#he's an ex corporat who deep down is a sensitive person and doesnt know how to live with some of his past mistakes and is v traumatized

[southernvampire]

just got to act 3 and I'm not ok. that conversation in the pistis sofia... after going through everything, losing a lot of people, your time running short and getting sicker by the moment, the option for V to trust Johnny almost completely is there.

the realization (for my V in particular) is that yeah, he would take a bullet for Johnny. yeah, he does want corps to burn, no matter how impossible that actually is. yeah, he will let Johnny take over to talk to Rogue and trust him with his body, because at this point, what else does he have to lose? Johnny needs his body to survive just as much as V does. and when Johnny tells him that he'll help V and be ok with being wiped out, V believes him. no matter if Johnny is actually trying to trick him or what everyone has told V about Johnny, he chooses to trust him.

in the moment, he doesn't worry about the reasoning behind it, if his mind is slowly turning into Johnny's or if he's just being stockholmed by Johnny, because he's seen the look on his face when a relic malfunction happens, heard the hitch of concern in his voice each time. and yeah, that concern is for himself, but also for V. he can almost feel Johnny's emotions in those times.

after that conversation, he realizes that he loves Johnny in a way that he can't quite put his finger on. like not being able to help but love a part of yourself simply because it's you, except Johnny isn't V. not yet, if Hellman was right about how this was all going to go down. but it's more than that. he also loves Johnny like a childhood friend you've always had feelings for, but know nothing will ever happen of it so you choose to be by their side through the years to be close to them and care for them in a way they will accept. except they've barely had time to properly know each other, yet they know each other more than anyone else has ever had.

whatever feeling it is, it is intimate and selfless and bordering on being completely, unapologetically unconditional. and though he doesn't have proof, V thinks that Johnny might be feeling the same, or similar, feeling toward V, whether or not it's solely based on his own need for survival.

he realizes that he doesn't exactly want Johnny to go away, not completely, and he's not sure if he could deal with the loneliness in his mind afterward, or the guilt if anything happened to Johnny's construct. he needs Johnny, cares about him, partly because they're slowly melding together into one, but also because he doesn't have anyone else he's ever been this vulnerable with, and he senses the same might be true for Johnny. he doesn't want to let go of Johnny, but deep down he's also not ready to die, his self-loathing be damned.

the pistis sofia is a great place to die, but not today, so he'll keep trying to find a solution. but the odds aren't looking good, and if it comes down to it, he doesn't know if he'll be able to choose himself over Johnny.