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junker-town · 7 years

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‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 6 recap: Lee finally goes home, Rachel spews romantic word salad, people go on lots of boats

Thank god the racist storyline is over.

Okay, hello, we’re back. I can’t believe they made us watch two episodes in one week. It’s the meanest thing you could do to me professionally. BACHELORETTE RECAPPERS HAVE LIVES, TOO, ABC!!!!!

But The Bachelorette waits for no woman, so let’s dive back into this black hole. When we left off last night we were primed for the disastrous end of Kenny and Lee’s two-on-one date. The previews showed Kenny bleeding and Rachel crying. I am ... not excited about this.

EXCEPT ALL THAT HAPPENS IS LEE GOES HOME

After three episodes of Lee’s garbage racism, all the teasing of tonight’s episode as a big showdown was a pump fake. Rachel says she believes Kenny when he says he’s done nothing wrong, and she tells Lee she doesn’t trust him. She gets annoyed with Kenny after Kenny rubs it in Lee’s face that he lost.

Kenny unloads the most impressive series of swears I’ve ever heard:

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(Kenny is me when i find out The Bachelorette is on two nights in a row.)

Then Kenny and Rachel fly off in a helicopter and leave Lee sitting on a peninsula in the middle of Norway. He could still be sitting there. He probably is. There’s no way of knowing.

I do this recap completely chronologically, but I have to skip ahead for a second and tell you that Lee does not come back all episode. I was worried he might, because that’s what happened on JoJo’s season after she got rid of Chad on a two-on-one. Chad came crawling back to the Pennsylvania hunting cabin and dragged his hand down the glass of the sliding door like Leo DiCaprio in the fogged up car in Titanic, but ten times less sexy.

The fact that Lee, the human garbage can, is gone? That’s fantastic news. We can finally get back to watching this show as a silly, fun diversion from the banality of our repetitive adult lives.

HOWEVER: What is not fantastic news is that the producers primed this whole storyline as an epic firestorm between two mortal enemies and used racism as lighter fluid. Thankfully it did not result in violence, but that set-up was shitty, and even for this depraved franchise, a new low.

There. Now let’s get back to Rachel’s husband hunt.

KENNY FACETIMES HIS DAUGHTER AGAIN AND CRIES

Kenny FaceTimes his daughter for the second time in two episodes. Her face is painted like a cat, which is cute. He says he misses her. I have to be honest: This feels somewhat exploitative. I always feel that way when they put kids on this show — remember Nick’s little sister Bella, who appeared on like ten seasons of this show because Nick made an entire career out of going on The Bachelor?

Kenny’s like, “I just want to be with my daughter so bad!” but says he’s doing this for both of their own good. And I’m like, dude, if you miss your kid so much, why’d you go on a reality show where you knew you’d be separated for months to have a one-in-30 chance of ending up with this woman who is probably out of your league? But hey, he did get exposure, so maybe more people will watch him wrestle now. Or he can sell FitBits on Instagram or something.

Maybe that’s all way too cynical, but I just don’t have a lot of faith in this show these days.

ROSE CEREMONY

They’re showing Josiah being super confident about how he won’t get sent home, which means he’s going to be sent home for sure.

I can’t believe that this one white dude who definitely has hair plugs and whose name I can’t remember is still around. Ah, Matt, that’s his name. Anyway, I can’t believe he’s still here.

“What I see in this room is my future,” says Rachel. She’s such a good Bachelorette. She says what she has to say and sticks to certain platitudes. It feels a little stale, but then again, this isn’t, like, groundbreaking artistic programming.

Is Peter wearing a scarf? A la John Kerry at that Pats game a few years ago?

I can’t find a picture of Peter at the rose ceremony to show you guys, but yes, Peter is wearing a John Kerry scarf.

“If she doesn’t give me a rose, there’s something wrong with her brain,” says Josiah.

Josiah goes home. So does Anthony. Which is dumb, because I would marry Anthony in like two seconds — he’s a Fulbright Scholar, he’s hot, and he seems fun. SMDH.

You know who doesn’t go home? Hair Plugs McGee.

I’m not sure I understand Rachel’s taste in men.

ON TO DENMARK!

The whole crew goes to Denmark. Eric gets the one-on-one. I wonder if Rachel is allowed to have a cell phone. I know the dudes can’t, but can she? It seems important to be able to text your friends about the guys you’re dating and might marry. I don’t know how you even begin to date guys if you can’t text your friends about them.

Eric is so happy to have a one-on-one. I like Eric on this date — he’s dancing, bopping around. He says “swag, swag, swag.”

Dancing on the docks in Copenhagen! #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/PLOfDE1H4e

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 28, 2017

“I love sports,” says Rachel, when Eric asks what she does for fun. “So I just go to a bar and kick it with friends. Eat, drink, watch the game.”

Hell yeah, Rachel. Sports! Sports, sports, sports. Love ‘em.

At dinner, Eric tells Rachel that he always got good grades, wasn’t ever in trouble, and was “a cool square.” But he says that when he was young he never really “got love.” His mom wasn’t very affectionate, so when he started getting in relationships with women, he’d run away.

He’s falling for Rachel, though.

This feels like a big moment for Eric personally, even if he doesn’t end up with Rachel. Which he won’t, because Peter will, so I don’t know why we’re even still watching this. My biggest question is why aren’t they eating the burgers sitting in front of them? I never see them eating on these dates. They just sit there with the food on the table.

Eric gets a rose.

VIKING DATE

Rachel makes the dudes go on a group date where they row a viking boat. Now, let me tell you, as someone who’s rowed a boat before: it’s hard. It isn’t fun. They’re wearing these nerdy lifejackets that inflate when you pull the cord, which is not a cool thing to do on a boat (trust me, I’ve been on boats). You need a real one that looks like a vest if you want not to be a nerd on a boat (have I mentioned I’ve been on boats?).

The best part of this date is Tom and Morton, two Danes who do viking reenactments and pronounce viking as “wiking.” Rachel’s dudes are dressed up in furs and, this might be weird, but I think they look pretty hot.

Tonight on #TheBachelorette. Peter is quite the pick up artist...literally! http://pic.twitter.com/g94KPgjd1U

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 28, 2017

“The guys look hot dressed up as vikings,” says Rachel. Phew, I’m not alone.

They play all these ancient viking games, and Kenny and Adam end up bleeding from their eyebrows. I feel so stupid for falling for the previews that made it seem like Kenny and Lee got in a fist fight. Of COURSE the producers took something out of context for drama. That’s on me for falling for it, but also, it’s so slimy.

I’m still mad.

THIS IS BORING

I’m bored. Maybe they milked the Kenny and Lee storyline because everything else was so unexciting (that doesn’t excuse it). Bryan and Rachel are talking about their feelings in the typical emotional word salad you’d expect. She asks if his family would accept her. He says yes. They make out. Yadda yadda yadda.

God, Peter is hot. Rachel tells him that. They make out. Yadda yadda yadda.

KENNY GOES HOME

Rachel cuts Kenny loose when she can tell that he’s spiraling. Stockholm Syndrome usually sets in for a few contestants at about this time in the arc of a season, so his come-apart makes sense. Kenny is basically asking Rachel to tell him she wants to marry him and Rachel is like... I can’t do that, so you should probably go home. She says it nicely though. It’s thoughtful. She doesn’t want to waste his time.

WILL’S DUD OF A DATE

“I’m in wifey mode right now,” says Rachel, and I throw up in my mouth a little. She and Will go on a date to Sweden. They take a boat there from Denmark, and Will’s like, “It’s crazy to take a boat to Sweden.”

I’m like dude, how do you think people used to get across bodies of water before the invention of flight? You can take a boat to Canada from the U.S. You can take a boat from Europe to the U.S. You can take a goddamn ferry from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Do you not know how boats work, Will? They take you places.

The whole date is boring, and Rachel is pissed that Will won’t touch her. At dinner he tells her he’s a very physical person, and she’s like, so, why won’t you touch me? And he’s like uh...

She asks him what kind of women he dates, he and he’s like, white women, mostly. And she’s like ... okay. And he’s like, “Because I grew up around mostly white people.” And Rachel says, “Clearly I’m open to everyone, and I always have been, but I grew up the same way you did.”

She says her “mind is going a mile a minute,” and Will keeps laughing his awkward laugh. Will has a really bad awkward laugh (not that you can really have a good one). He realizes he blew it. Rachel sends him home.

She’s very good at sending people home tonight.

ROSE CEREMONY

We finally get a rose ceremony at the end of an episode! Thank god, enough of this “to be continued” trash. There’s a shot of a swan to signify romance. I love the idea of some producer being like, “Yeah, we need B-Roll of a bird. Can we a close up on that one? Ah, it’s diving! Butt in the air. Perfect. Thanks, Gerry, you get a raise.”

Our fearless leader, the always huggable @chrisbharrison! #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/gMuHDh1qr6

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 28, 2017

Chris Harrison shows up. His hair looks terrible. Maybe he and Matt have the same hair plugs guy. Rachel’s crying, because goodbyes are so hard. She quotes Hamlet, because Shakespeare wrote Hamlet in Denmark, and that’s where they are.

SHE SENDS ERIC HOME!

WTF? Rachel keeps Matt, Hair Plugs Matt the Construction Worker, but she sends Eric, sweet, vulnerable Eric, home??? My theory is that she’s getting rid of any guy she might like besides Peter so that she can focus on him and kind of fake her way through the other ones. Except for Bryan — he could give Peter a run for his money. Maybe narrowing the pool is a way of protecting herself emotionally, so she can focus on the dude she likes most without being distracted by other dudes she kind of likes. And also so that if she and Peter end up together she can be like, “Yeah I totally didn’t like any of the other finalists,” and mean it.

But: there are mostly white guys left now, and I can’t help but wonder if ABC was steering the ship in this direction so that the next Bachelor will be white.

Poor hunky Russian Alex goes home. Why would you keep Matt over Alex? Ugh. In the previews, it looks like Peter might manage to eff this up, but I think that’s also a fake-out.

Awesome. Cool! Can’t wait for next week. LOL. If there are two episodes again I’m quitting my job, moving to a farm in Maine with no TV or internet, and living off the land.

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