#he's alright ! mostly looks mad but he's either processing or he just cant see

[ardenigh]

needed a mid-tier OC for smth so here’s some guy who likes soup

[evellyynn7]

That Night pt.2 of Meeting Mr. Wrong

            “It all started on a dark and cold night, November 7th to be exact.” I said very quietly almost regretting doing this. Dean was such a good listener, his eyes looked at me with such compassion as i told the whole story.

          “Lets do something crazy tonight guys!... unless some of you are gonna be little wusses” Steve was looking at us 3 girls, Nancy Wheeler, Barbra Holland... and me. He was of course mostly referring to Barb since she looked the most nerdy out of our bunch, he thought we would be at least a little bit easier to loosen up and i mean that in a dirty way too.

            Billy Hardgrove was there along with Tommy H and Carol. They of course were there to get lucky and wasted while my 3 friends and i were just trying to up our popularity status. “Hey here’s a clever idea, why don’t we play a little game to help these newbies ‘loosen up’ Billy said with a wink to me and his famous smirk. “That may be the only smart thing you’ve said all day Steve” joked. The others laughed and agreed while the rest of were nervous at first but warmed up to the idea while Barb was always against this ‘loosening up’ game.

           “Alright, fuck it, how do you play the damn game” i couldn’t believe i said that, i guess that was just all that naughty that’s been shunned away from my good girl act. “Oooo this pretty little girl has a naughty side?” Billy said this in a shocked but intrigued way. “C’mon Billy just tell us how to play the damn game” Nancy saw how i was learning to just go with it so she followed along. “ Okay book worm don’t get aggressive” Billy said this with less interest and more annoyance of Nancy. “Okay so newbies have to prove themselves to us by doing some dares that are given to you by yours truly” he winked and let out a puff while gesturing to his friends. Steve interrupted fast “So i’ll start with miss wheeler, i da...” Billy cut him off with anger in his eyes. “But my good friend forgot to mention the best part!, if you guys cant complete the dare then you have to strip one item each time” he seemed proud of his lustful command.

         After several halfly and fully covered dares, there laid 4 girls in either just a bra and panty or maybe they still had a sweater or jeans on. I was one of the girls in just a bra and panty but i never felt so alive and bad but i loved it not to mention i was far past drunk. I knew that barb felt uncomfortable the whole time and so did the whole group so they went easy on her and she just had to take off her coat. “Ok so this one is for Liv over there.” Billy said grabbing my hand while I lounged on the chair carelessly with my drunken and half covered gorgeous bod. His eyes lingered and he couldn’t hide his blushing and lustful eyes. This drove me crazy cause he was so handsome and sexy but i didn’t want to get to far, i just wasn’t ready for anything that big. I stood up very unsteady and barb saw that, she came over and told me that we should all go and that she would drive. “I think we all had enough fun why don’t we start heading home, you don’t look to well Liv.” “I’m fine i don’t need you to be a mom right now, why don’t you go you never fit in anyways, and don’t say that i don’t ‘look good’ for all i know your probably just jealous.” I knew right after i said it that i screwed up but it was too late. “ You know what, im done trying to be a good friend, i will go home and good luck trying to get home like that, maybe one of your new ‘friends’ can sober up before driving.” she left in tears running towards the woods. “Whoa whats up her ass!” Billy laughed and began kissing my neck but i just stood there in shock and a dazed confusion.

          Later that night Billy and i had made our way to Steve’s couch while tommy and carol took a spare bedroom and Steve led Nancy to his room. I had a feeling of what was going to happen but i was not in my right mind to fully stop it. He leaned in and starting kissing me slow then it suddenly turned harsh and passionate, i could feel his hands making there way up my thigh and i let out a small gasp. “Hey im not sure i wanna take this that far“ i mumbled against his lips but he ignored me and just kept going further up. I heard a faint scream and broke the kiss. “Did you hear that?” “Hear what doll, the only thing i wanna be hearing is you moaning my name.” he smirked then slowly went in again and then bit my bottom lip slowly. Little did i know that it was barb coming back to drive us home since she was actually a good friend who cared for us regardless and not just someone who was only trying to get in my pants. “ Billy i dont know about this” “Oh cmon your just shy but ill be gentle and then all youll feel will be pure bliss” he then lowered me on my back and made his way down by kissing me in every spot that sent chills to my body so i let go and just went with it.

          The next day Barb wasnt at school and nanc and i just thought that she was just mad at us but as a week went by we were beyond worried untill 2 days ago when we heard about her on the news, thats when our worried hearts turned into broken grieving hearts. The only good thing was that news report landed on a saturday and i could be a wreck the whole weekend and process things before heading back to school. Thats when things got crazy and people started suspecting her best friends and the sad truth was that i knew something others didnt, this slight piece of evidence could make everybody i care about turn on me.

                “And thats how it all went down Dean, I know i sound absolutely terrible but i want justice for barb.” He was looking at me with wide eyes and a dreamy gaze but i couldnt quite make out what he was thinking. “Wow olivia im shocked but so happy you told me, everything will get better from here on out” he gave me a reassuring smile and leaded me back to class and he happened to casually lay his hand on my waist and guide me, then whispered i think you sounded like a strong and beautiful girl for what you had to go through but im also gonna sound like a douche when i say this but im glad you didnt go after your friend cause it might have gotten you too and i wouldnt be able to meet the strong and beautiful girl standing right in front of me.” i blushed like crazy before walking into the class, once again all eyes were on me and Dean noticed so decided to do something about that. He walked in and said, “Every body should know that your classmate Olivia has helped this case tremendously and you all should give her a smile the next time you see her” “ i should be seeing you around miss hopper” he smiled and winked at you in a professional manner but you could tell it was far from that.

                  A week has past and your uncle hopper went away for a couple of days to solve this case with the winchester brothers, leaving you to watch El. Today she went to go hangout with her bunch while you stayed home and catched up on some vampire diaries. *knock knock* i was shocked to hear a knock on my door, maybe my uncle came back early i thought. I get up from my comfy spot and open the door to a pleasant surprise. “Dean!! how are you? we haven’t spoken in a while and i thought you were supposed to be with my uncle” i was confused yet happy since all my memories had been good with dean and i trusted him on something that meant so much to me. “ Well your uncle asked either me or my brother to check up on you and i happily agreed” he flashed his dazling smile and walked in. I sat on the couch and he sat next to me, for the past few hours we caught up and got to know each other on a whole other level, it was like weve always knew each other and time seemed to fly. I showed him my room and my personal things including some secrets. “ Ive always wanted to tell you this but i think your absolutely gorgeous.” he kept his beautiful blue eyes latched on me and leaned in for a kiss.I went in and soon enough we were naked on my bed over heated and satisfied. “You can spend the night” i said smiling at him with my fingers tracing his bare abs. “Im sure theyve got this covered for tonight” he smiled down at me and kissed my forhead, then we fell asleep in an instant.

              The next morning was amazing, waking up to a shirtless sexy Dean was priceless and epecially getting to watch his cute face sleep. He woke up with a smile and said “ Mornin gorgeous, how did you sleep, i know i slept well with you by my side” he pecked my lips “I could say the same” I got up to kiss him more passionalty and put some clothes on in the bathroom but as i was leaving i felt his eyes heavy on my naked body. I shut the door and got dressed but i stayed in the bathroom because i heard my uncle enter my room screaming his head off! Dean was shook and got up fast trying to defend himself while my uncle was saying “I cant belive you!! i practically told you to babysit her for a few hours and i come home to you naked in her bed doing who knows what! time to leave Mr.Wrong, youve helped enough. As i finished getting ready i walked out with shame all over my face and my uncle telling me to go for somebody my own age.

[devicefulflightrisk]

SOFIA: -she's hungry and uncomfortable and when she cries somebody always comes so...she's crying loudly from her crib- 

FINN: -wakes up at the sound of sofia but jace is completely on top of him and a bunch of dead weight. it suddenly hits him that if he doesn't get sofia right away, colt will, and that would be...not good. so he's attempting to peel jace off of him WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT-

JACE: -ZZZZZZZ. he hasn't slept this peacefully in a long time. he's not going anywhere. he's probably also clinging a little. or a lot.- 

COLT: -it's true, colt is up and at 'em in no time, but as he trots downstairs he notices some... strange signs. abandoned bowls of snack foods and a movie menu playing on loop. he squints... it isn't until he sees what appears to be jace's boots on the floor by the couch that he pieces it all together. AW HECK NAH. - 

COLT: -fuming JUST a little, but unable to do anything about it because he has a baby to attend to first. it's okay sofia, uncle colt is here to snuggle you and go get you some breakfast. don't mind him if he snuffles your baby hair a little during the process. she smells good...-

SOFIA: -she ALWAYS smells good. she's just flopped against colt's chest and whining. she knows he'll take care of her- 

FINN: jace -he hears sofia quiet and realizes that colt must have her and there's a certain kind of panc in his eyes as he tries to UN-CLING JACE-

COLT: -GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT. just kidding, he might be turning into a monster boy but he wouldn't eat sofia. he loves her too  much.- There there... -heats up a bottle, readjusting her in his big arms so he can feed her when it's ready. he does this, but keeps glancing at finn's room... WAITING for him to show his face.- 

JACE: Mmhh? -cracks eyes open, staring blearily at the warm body he's clinging to. that isn't normal. suddenly he remembers what happened and snaps awake.- Oh.......... -detaches when he sees how panicked finn is.-

SOFIA: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. she keeps whining until she can actually start drinking the bottle, and then her crying immediately stops and though her cheeks are covered in tears, she's much more content- 

FINN: sorry it's just sofia -kisses jace's head so it's not too abrupt and he gets up to put his abandoned sweatpants on- i'll be back just FINN: hold on FINN: -he BUSTS OUT THE DOOR-

JACE: Okay.... -sits up and watches him go, processing everything again. ITS ALL STARTING TO SINK IN.- 

COLT: -standing in the kitchen SQUINTING at finn.-

FINN: -finn looks disheveled- oh hi 

FINN: i was uh 

FINN: gonna get her

COLT: I've got it handled. -colt looks DISPLEASED.- 

COLT: You musta been sleepin' pretty heavy.

FINN: yeah just a -DONT LOOK AT HIM LIKE THAT- just a little i guess

COLT: Did you have someone over last night? -glances at the living room.-

FINN: -looks back at the living room- oh 

FINN: well jace was sneaking around the house late and i just 

FINN: let him come in and thought it wouldn't be a good idea for him to keep exploring in the dark 

FINN: so i let him have my bed

COLT: -he just stares at him, clearly not buying this story.- Finn.

FINN: -HE CANT STARE BACK AT THOSE EYES- yeah

COLT: -THESE BIG OL' EYES. they judge.- I know that ain't the whole story.

FINN: -just kind of looks guilty-

COLT: You know I don't wanna tell anybody how to live their lives. 

COLT: ... But this is my house. And that's my baby brother. And if you're gettin' up to somethin' but you don't wanna own up to it, then I think you already know you're crossin' some boundaries there. -frowns, angry, but mostly just disappointed...-

SOFIA: -she's just so happy about eating honestly- 

FINN: -hangs his head a little- i just -he sighs-

FINN: it was fine at first just normal and then like

FINN: uh

FINN: he said he had feelings for me and i basically told him i didn't feel the same way but he thought it was because i saw him as a baby but 

FINN: i was telling him i didn't see him like a baby and then he was still upset so i told him he was attractive because well he is your whole family is but that's not the point

FINN: and he just wanted to 

FINN: you know 

FINN: regardless 

FINN: so i said ok

COLT: -LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA ABOUT HIS WHOLE FAMILY BEING ATTRACTIVE-

FINN: -I AM SORRY IT'S TRUE-

COLT: -finn he's gonna put you in the ground-

FINN: -oh- 

FINN: -uh oh-

COLT: Why would you-- 

COLT: Don't you think that might send some mixed messages??? 

COLT: Listen... Jace ain't like Citrin or Ryan, alright? He's sensitive and-- -SIGHS. he can't believe jace instigated this, and yet somehow he can. clearly he wasn't thinking this through either... THAT BOY AINT RIGHT.-

COLT: I just hope you know there's likely gonna be consequences. -LIKE ME PUTTING YOU IN THE GROUND-

SOFIA: -okay she's done. she turns her head away. NO MORE PLEASE. she whines about it- 

FINN: -he's still hanging his head- i'm sorry 

FINN: i should have 

FINN: thought it through 

FINN: instead of just thinking he knew what he was getting into

COLT: -looks down at sofia and sets her bottle aside. burping time. he's already got a cloth ready to prop her up against. pats the sweet baby.- 

COLT: Yeah, well... Reckon I oughta have a chat with him too. -eyeballs finn's room again.-

FINN: do you have to have a chat with him 

SOFIA: -making noises over here while the burp attempt is made-

COLT: -he's proud of her. she's good at making noise.- 

COLT: Yes.

FINN: what are you going to say

COLT: -that finn is a ho.- I'm just gonna make sure he knows what he's gotten himself into... Unless you want to talk to him to clarify. -EYEBALLS some more.-

FINN: -pauses- the look you're giving me is confusing because i don't know if you actually want me to or you want me to stay away

COLT: Guess I don't know either. 

COLT: But I know it's best to take responsibility for yourself.

FINN: -he sighs- i can do it

COLT: -grunt.- Alright. Good.

FINN: do you want me to do it now 

SOFIA: -she burps-

COLT: -frowns some more- That'd be ideal. 

COLT: -good girl, sofia. cleans off her face and goes to toss this towel, leaving finn to his own devices.-

SOFIA: -do I get to hang out with you uncle colt-

COLT: -of course cutie pie...-

SOFIA: -its a good day-

FINN: -meanwhile, Finn walks back into his room to see if Jace is still awake-

JACE: -currrently in the process of climbing out the window without his shoes.- O_O

FINN: hey wait

JACE: Hhhh... Okay... -sits on the window sill-

FINN: -gestures at him- you can sit somewhere inside

JACE: ... Its alright. I like the window sill. -even though it's not super comfortable on the ass.-

FINN: oh okay uh -scratches the back of his head- colt knows

JACE: Oh......... I figured as much..... 

JACE: Is he mad?

FINN: at me yeah 

FINN: he doesn't think we are on the same page so 

FINN: i should probably make sure that's a thing

JACE: -frowns down at the floor.- So... he thinks I dont understand that this is just... 

JACE: Um. You know... a fling.

FINN: -nods-

JACE:  -sighs- I do know that. 

JACE: ... I guess it makes me kind of sad. 

JACE: -pauses, really thinking about all this. as best he can with his head swimming and his heart still racing from anxiety.- But I had fun? 

JACE: That probably counts for something. 

JACE: I dont really... want to regret it... Even if its not permanent...

FINN: -his expression softens- yeah me too 

FINN: i really don't want to hurt you

JACE: Oh, yeah.... Um... Ill be okay. 

JACE: This is way more than I ever could have expected so Im happy about that. -manages a little smile-

FINN: -smiles back- well just so you know if you ever feel bad about it it's okay to talk about it 

FINN: i've had flings that made me feel pretty sad

JACE: -swings his feet as he looks to the floor again, contemplating something... then he slides out from the window sill.- 

JACE: Is it okay if I kiss you one more time?

FINN: -he pauses and nods- yeah

JACE: -shuffles in closer, shyly... before he places his hands on finn's cheeks and leans in for one last slow, soft kiss.-

FINN: -kisses him in return for as long as Jace wants to. Consider this one for the road-

JACE: -melts... he really doesn't want to let go when it feels so nice, but alas... he draws away after a moment, gazing up at him with his big eyes.- 

JACE: ... Did you see my boots out there? -points at finn's door. he's still just in his socks...-

FINN: yeah you left them 

FINN: i think that tipped colt off just a little 

FINN: you don't have to leave i can sleep on the couch i don't mind

JACE: No, its okay!! I should go... Now that Im up I wont be able to fall asleep. 

JACE: -shuffles over to the door- Ill just... Umm. -opens it carefully.- 

JACE: Ill see you! -YOUTH ROLLS OUT THE DOOR. snatches up his boots, stumbles into them, and sprints out the front door.- 

COLT: -squints after him from sofia's room. INCREDIBLE.-

SOFIA: -look at me i'm cute- 

FINN: -he just kind of waves and goes in to join colt-

FINN: so

FINN: same page

COLT: ... Good. 

COLT: -offers sofia to him.- I think she wants you.

FINN: -takes her in his arms and kisses her head- 

FINN: colt i'm 

FINN: i'm sorry

COLT: -gives him a bit of the silent treatment, but it's mostly because he doesn't know what to say. there's too much on his mind, and all his weird compulsions and sensory overloads aren't helping him feel any more at ease. maybe he's being unfair, or hypocritical... or maybe joel's just right about them. they're all just a bunch of idiots prone to bad decisions and they should feel bad for it.- 

COLT: ... Reckon it don't make much difference. 

COLT: Jace can make his own decisions.

FINN: -he just feels really guilty. and pathetic. and like the worst person ever. maybe joel was right, he shouldn't have a kid. why did he have sofia in the first place?- i'm still sorry

COLT: Ok, I get it. -says sharply, but he's starting to look upset.-

FINN: -he just looks down and says nothing. HE FUCKED UP. HE REALLY FUCKED UP-

COLT: -sniffles where he sits, falling quiet again and feeling very stuck and confused.-

SOFIA: -yells momentarily just because she can.- 

FINN: -shhhh baby. he sits there as well, just holding sofia and staying quite and he might actually BE SNIFFLING TOO?-

COLT: -glances at sofia when she scream... then up at finn because they're both sniffling babies.- 

COLT: I'm not... 

COLT: I'm not really mad at you... I am disappointed but... 

COLT: Mostly I'm just upset about everythin' happenin' lately. 

COLT: And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.

FINN: i don't like to disappoint you

COLT: ... It's not like it's the end of the world. 

COLT: I'm not gonna snub you for it or nothin'.

FINN: i don't want to make your life worse 

FINN: because i know it's already hard

COLT: My life is fine. 

COLT: My life is great, in fact? I don't got much to complain about. 

COLT: I'm happy. -sighs- Even if I'm havin' a hard time right now.

FINN: -wipes his eyes- but it's been hard lately 

 FINN: i know that

COLT: Well, it ain't all about me. -starts to get up-

FINN: -stays sitting and watches him. all he can do is wait it out, because it seems like he can't fix this. the tears don't stop-

COLT: -he just needs some time to calm down... he really can't stay upset about all this -- and he definitely doesn't want to.-

FINN: -he'll just remain here holding sofia and using his communicator to start doing some research-

[very-cherry]

Hey. Hi. Big fan. I don't watch half of the shows that you reblog, but your enthusiasm is quality. Um.. this is super personal, so I totally understand if you don't answer, but how did you realise you were nb?

omg im so sorry you have sat through my tags for this long, buddy you deserve better lmao. but no this is super okay to talk about, and ya its personal but im alright with it bc sometimes its nice to talk about?? like its a lot easier to explain over here rather than to my family (rip) but yeah i can get into it. um, itll be under the cut tho bc its a long answer, so if my other followers (or people who may get triggered) dont wanna read like ya theres that

the short answer: i realised last year, bc of everything that piled up and me finally finding the time to sit down and Think About It.

(tl;dr: at the bottom if youre not here for the Super Long answer)

the long answer: gender had never come easily to me as a kid, like i understood that girls played with dolls and that boys played with trucks. but i also was raised in a family where girls could play with trucks too, as long as they still looked like girls. so from the get go i had a v “tomboyish” look about me, and how i presented myself. i found i was v comfy with the tomboy label growing up, bc it meant i could play with the boys but still be sensitive and emotional while the boys werent allowed to feel like that

my biggest stepping stone tbh was (is) my mother. now if youve followed me for a while you probably know that while my mother loves me, and i suppose i love her (still up in the air), our relationship is v v v v Tense. this is due mostly to the fact that she has this preconceived notion of what the world looks like, and how people should act and present themselves. for her, to have me as a child saying “i wanna dress like a boy” “i wanna be a boy” was no biggie bc i was Just A Kid and would grow up to flourish into a beautiful young woman. which, for the most part, i did. but that doesnt mean i enjoyed it. from the age i was allowed to dress myself, my mother and i would fight about my clothing choices (and i literally mean fight. she would refuse to take me somewhere if i didnt dress the way she wanted. would throw my own clothes at me or on the road outside our house etc) and she would dub my clothes “too casual” and tell me to “dress up” and “look a bit more girly, please?” which i now know is totally Gross and not v nice, but at the time i didnt know any better, i hadnt grown into myself. this, alongside many years of condemnation in regards to my interests and hobbies and things i just enjoyed and wanted to talk about, just Didnt Add Up to my mother. she loved having two pretty daughters, pretty daughters who could wear dresses and live out the life she couldnt bc she fell pregnant with my older sister at 19, and thus had to grow up v quickly (no blame on my sister tho, shes my favourite person in the world and shes trying v hard to understand me and loves me v much)

fast forward a couple years: i was 15 when i first developed my eating disorder. quite frankly, it was only upon realising that im nb as to how i figured out what my ed was Actually About. i didnt like my curves. i didnt like being “girly”. i did constant misguided ab workouts and ate three rice cakes for lunch, followed by nothing but a banana until dinner. my sleep patterns were hit and miss bc i would either write away the pain or stay up wondering what this Thing i was feeling was (spoiler: it was dysphoria). i tried super hard to love my curves, to own myself and how i looked, but it never felt Right. i never understood. i would see my psychologist and ramble about my ed and she would pinpoint it and say it was curves and i would always just say “but its not”. bc it wasnt Just Curves, it was the idea as a whole. and it was v confusing and scary, so much like my exploration into my sexuality, i just put it off.

it was combating my ed that helped me most, i think. it was getting over it, and forcing myself back into a natural sleep pattern (so i could actually do year 12 without wrecking myself). i didnt get over it until around april 2016, which was when i fell in love with the idea of self love, and decided to give it a go. i listened to my psychologist, and she was v patient with me, and was cautious with where i placed my blame (”yes its your mothers fault for making you react and feel this way, her words hurt you. but youre the one that decides what to do with that negativity”) and it was so so so helpful. she taught me that i was deserving of love, and positivity, and that loving youself is a process, and it doesnt always work the way you want it to, but you need to find what makes you happy and keep doing that. for me, that tied into my food, my talents, my friends, and my actions. im not going to sit here and claim that fitness is key to happiness, but its part of whats key to mine (to the point that i have been inspired to become a personal trainer and teach other people that being “healthy” isnt just about food and exercise). each person has their own individual things that keep them balanced, and if yours is painting your nails instead of doing sit ups fucking go for it - just make sure you find that thing, because it gives you clarity.

my clarity hit me in the beginning of year 12, when i Sat Down and really had a think. i thought back to how i wanted to look growing up, how i wanted to act, i remembered the day i first had a proper bra bought for me instead of a crop top and the way i cried for hours that night without knowing why. i remember not wearing shirts to bed and then suddenly feeling awful when i started having to. i remembered trying to wear boxer shorts and nothing else around the house and being yelled at. i remembered telling my dad i wanted to look how he did when he was 18, and yelling at him when he said “but dont you want to be pretty like your mum”. i remembered my sister cutting my hair in the dead of night in her bedroom, bc i didnt want to look the way i did. i remembered wearing all these oversized clothes to hide my chest. being uncomfortable when anyone (family or stranger) would say “lady”, “girl”, “miss”, “female”. shrinking into myself when someone pointed out my curves. looking in thw mirror and only smiling when my hands were covering and pushing my chest. looking at the scale and not seeing anything other than a number that meant i was stuck being curved. refusing to go swimming bc it meant having to wear a bikini instead of just board shorts. wanting to play on the mens basketball team, wearing mens clothes, being mad when i suddenly couldnt wear them anymore. overcompensating by wearing midriffs and muscle shirts and short shorts and lacy underwear to impress my boyfriend(s) bc i was their GIRLfriend and this is what I Needed To Do. wearing clothes around my first girlfriend that i was really comfortable in, and her telling me that im still nb even if i have to wear a bra for now, and that she wouldnt ever take my shirt off or act as if my chest ever existed if thats what would keep me comfortable, and me nearly crying bc of how validating and overwhelming it was.

it all hit me at once, and i was struck with the blatant honesty of what this had been all along. id ignored it and shoved it down bc i didnt want to upset my mother, disappoint her. i didnt want to be what she never wanted. but then i remembered that i am deserving of love, even if its only ever from myself. 

so i told my best friend, and she was so wonderful with it, and she asked what pronouns i wanted to use from now on, and she helped me ease into shopping for clothes. and i bought a binder, and it fits v well and i fucking love it. and i told my other friends, and all the ones who matter are v supportive and beautiful (one even offered to make me a suit). and i told my two favourite cousins, and my sister, and they make sure to text me that i should stretch when i wear my binder, or to take deep breaths in case i forget to and its v homey and nice and they want me to be happy. and i blurted it out to my mother and she fucking hates it, and shes threatened to “burn” my binder if she ever sees it, to “rip it off [my] body” if i ever wear it in front of her, that she wants “nothing to do with It” and that “its a fucked up idea” someone has “put into my head”. but you know what? thats okay, bc i Know who i am now. and sometimes things dont always go how you want, and sometimes the people who love you most cant love all of you, and i want you guys to know that if that ever happens, youre not obligated to love them back, okay? love yourself, love those who love All Of You.

tl;dr: years of dysphoria piled onto me when i had a hot ten minutes to fully think about it in between classes.