#he's a self identified theater kid oh i know he has thoughts...

[seasononesam]

we need to discuss what sam's favorite musical would be...this is vitally important... to ME....

[tlhrfanfic]

[Late] Thus With a Kiss I Die

Title: Thus With a Kiss I Die Ship: Late (Nate/Procrastination&Logan) Warnings: Idiot Gays, Kissing, Making Out, Disaster Gays, One Brain cell shared. Cuuuute. Words: 12,444 Request: So this was a Kiss AU list request that was requested by @romantichopelessly​ for a present for getting lots of stuff done with her Botwot AU: 36. we can never be together.

Summary: Logan was just cast as Juliet in the school play. He is not thrilled. Then he finds out that his crush Nate is Romeo. He's doomed.

Read on AO3

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Logan couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t that he couldn’t believe that a senior class in an all-boys boarding school was doing a play. No, that was statistically likely, all things considered. 

 What he couldn’t believe, however, was that the school had chosen Romeo and Juliet as the play for the senior class that year. 

 Why?

 They weren’t even changing the genders of the female characters to appear pro-gay or any of the less than moral types of things private institutions did to bring in donators. 

 “Maybe our parents just thought they’d get a kick out of some of their kids dressing up in drag and talking falsetto.” Logan snorted and glanced at his best friend. 

Virgil sighed. 

 “I’m soooo glad I got the nurse. Yes! No one cares about that old hag’s lines. Smooth sailing.”

 Logan glared. 

 Virgil cleared his throat, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, and shrugged. 

 “Yeah… tough luck you got the lead.”

 Logan laughed at that and shook his head. 

 “Thank you.”

 Virgil raised a brow. “For what?”

 “Most people have been congratulating me.”

 Virgil snorted. “Oh, yeah. Well, any time dude.”

 Logan sighed and nodded. 

 “So uh… have you talked with him yet?”

 Logan, who currently had his face in his hands, could hear the slight smirk in Virgil’s carefully phrased question. He suddenly longed to glare daggers at his friend but, due to all the excitement, was too exhausted to bother. Definitely not his excitement, but it was felt nonetheless. 

 “I don’t have any idea to whom you would be referring to Virgil.”

Logan attempted to silence the other with a look but his gamble failed.

 Virgil’s smirk widened. “Oh you don’t, do you?”

 Logan mustered up the energy to actually glare daggers his way, but there still wasn’t much fire behind it. He sighed. 

 “What am I going to do?” he asked, a slight whine to his words that he generally avoided. 

 Virgil sighed as well. “Why are you asking me?”

 Logan rolled his eyes and adjusted his glasses. 

 “One of us is actually in a romantic relationship and it is not me.”

 Virgil blushed and shrugged.

 “It’s all still very new though so I don’t know what you expect from me here, Lo.”

 “How do I get him to like me?”

 “Dude, you’ve liked that guy since we started high school. If anyone knows how to get him to like you, it’s you.”

 Logan groaned. 

 “Has Patton been having you listen to those self-growth tapes again?”

 Virgil shrugged but smiled softly and, for a moment, Logan smiled as well. He was very pleased to see his friend so happy. “They’re really not so bad.”

 “Good to know.”

 Logan sighed. 

 “Why don’t you just tell him?”

 Logan looked up at Virgil as if he’d grown an extra head. 

 “Right. Tell Nate Lassus, whom most of those students who identify as gay or bisexual and/or pan want, that I’ve had a crush on him for three years? Someone who I should not even want because truly, what do we have in common?”

 “You mean aside from the fact that you guys like each other and want to kiss each other and make out and do I need to keep going?”

 “That does not promote a healthy relationship, Virgil.”

 Virgil rolled his eyes. “Then you get to know him and I am certain there is something you guys have in common.”

 “Also, he does not like me. Don’t think I didn’t hear that.”

 “He does, and I hoped you would.” Virgil stuck out his tongue.

 Logan bit his tongue to keep from snapping at his friend. Virgil had been on this whole theory that Nate liked him as well. Which was absolutely absurd and held no merit whatsoever despite Virgil and Patton’s so-called evidence. 

 “Patton said he looked excited when you were chosen for Juliet. Even looked your way, hoping you were looking at him.”

 Logan looked up at Virgil. For a moment, there was a sliver of hope but reality sunk in. 

 “This is Nate Lassus we are talking about, Virgil. He’s just excited to get to kiss a guy on stage.”

 Virgil groaned but dropped the subject. Logan knew that wouldn’t be the last of it, however, he was happy for the break.

 »»————　♞　————««

 Nate watched as his two best friends fooled around with some of the prop swords backstage. He was currently working on some backgrounds, hammering some pre-cut wood boards that would be used as trees or perhaps castle props or any number of things. 

 He didn’t do the whole painting bit, but he could definitely manage hammering support pieces of wood to the backdrops. 

 As he worked, Nate thought back to the assembly when they were informed that a play would be put on and the parts that they would perform. When he had heard his name first, announced along with the name of the play’s male lead, his only thought had been a half-hearted wish. 

 If only Logan could be my Juliet… he’d thought and then—as if his thoughts had actually held any power at all—Logan’s name had been called and Juliet’s had followed. Nate could only glance at Logan, hoping to see what the other’s reaction had been. Unfortunately, it had looked like… well, not disgust, which was good… but definitely shock and dread. Nate had tried to tell himself that the looks were more about the role he’d been given and had nothing to do with himself.

 It felt like a lie, but it made Nate feel better all the same.

 “Take that, heathen,” Janus’s crisp voice broke through his thoughts. He glanced up from his spot on the floor as he shifted to the next set of backdrops and supports. 

 “Never, you scallywag bitch!” Remus cackled and rushed at Janus, the pair’s swords clacked with every strike.

 Where Janus actually had had fencing lessons and moved with finesse and experience, Remus struck down with pure force and nothing else. With Janus’s slight frame—at five-foot-four—it would seem that Remus’s strategy could gain him the upper hand. However, it was the smaller teen’s quick and fluid footwork that secured his victory. 

 As Nate had guessed, Remus’s wood sword was soon sailing across the room, clacking onto the tiled floor. Remus cackled, rather than growing angry, and rushed to get the wooden sword. With the more chaotic of his friends distracted, Janus turned to Nate while continuing to run through different fencing patterns.

 Sharp eyes met Nate���s, one a deep brown and the other a warm gold. He said nothing, knowing that whatever it was his friend wanted to say, he would get to it when he was ready and not a moment sooner. Still, as the moments ticked on, Nate wished he would just get on with it already. 

 “Sooo… Logan Wright is your Juliet… now why does this seem so fitting.… Oh right, because you complete morons are in love with each other. Maybe even the teachers and staff know it and this is the whole damn school’s way of saying ‘Now Kiss’.”

 Nate rolled his eyes. He tried to stay chipper and upbeat but now that it was spoken, he could no longer ignore the siren call of his crush as a topic. 

 “Jan… he didn’t even look at me… what if…”

 “Hopeless…”

 “Jan, I’m serious here.”

 “And so am I, Nate.”

 Remus returned. 

 “How do you know Logan likes him anyway, babe?”

 Janus looked at his boyfriend and shrugged. 

 “I can’t really say how… just trust me on this. My instincts are solid when it comes to people’s love lives.”

 Nate wanted to argue but, since Janus was his best friend from grade school, he already knew it was pointless. Not to mention, Janus had walked into the school freshman year, spotted Remus, and pointed him out to Nate. 

 “That guy is strange and quite possibly deranged. And I’m not sure how I know this, but we are most definitely going to date.”

 Nate had snorted and moved on. Then it had happened in Junior year, long after Janus had forgotten about the fateful statement he had made two years before. So he might have been right back then, but Nate really didn't want to have to wait two years like the other had to find out if his best friend’s prediction today would come true. 

 “You really should tell ol’ Logan how you feel, dude.” Remus shrugged, grinning that almost maniacal grin of his. Nate couldn’t help but grin back. 

 Still, his friends obviously didn’t get it. 

 If Logan had any feelings, he would have looked his way at the assembly when he’d realized it was Nate who he’d be kissing. 

 Oh, fuck. That’s right.

 Not only was it that Logan would be kissing him… 

 Nate would get to kiss Logan. 

 “And this look is Nate now realizing that not only does he get to share the lead with his crush, but he also gets to kiss said crush on stage in front of everybody.” Janus murmured with a side glance at his boyfriend. Remus snickered. 

 Nate threw them the double bird and kicked them out. 

 Getting back to work, Nate put all thoughts of crushes and kisses out of his mind.

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan almost didn’t make it to the meeting with Mr. Thomas Sanders, the drama teacher who was putting the show on, and Nate. He was just going to continue on with his normal routine and that would be that. They would realize he just wasn’t going to do it and they would get someone else. 

 Then he realized that part of him wanted to go. Was it curiosity? Or was it the siren call of having a valid reason to spend more time with Nate?

 Logan blinked as he looked around, finding himself already headed in the direction of the theater. 

 It took a lot less time than he hoped to reach the two large oak doors, opening one of them and slipping inside. He was not surprised to see Mr. Sanders’s bright, welcoming smile. He was also not surprised to see that Nate was not there. 

 Nate had a habit of running late… all the time. 

 Something that would annoy him in anyone else, but with Nate, it somehow just worked.

 “Logan! Thank you for being here,” Mr. Sanders said, still smiling brightly. “Nate should be here soon.”

 Logan nodded, ignoring the heat rising up the back of his neck. 

 He jumped a moment later as the oak door opened once more, his head jerking in that direction.

 In walked Nate, looking just as attractive as he always did. It was because he was having what Roman, Patton’s friend, would call a ‘swoon moment’ that Logan didn’t notice it at first, but Nate’s gaze was on him from the moment he walked in the door. 

 Pretending that his blush was not currently seeping into his cheeks, Logan cleared his throat and turned in Nate’s direction. Standing up straight, Logan nodded at the other in greeting. While they weren’t friends, they had shared a number of classes and projects and school trips over the years. They’d talked but only in a capacity regarding those things. 

 None of which were personal or intimate. 

 Logan withheld a sigh, then remembered he should say something. 

 “Salutations, Nathan.”

 “Hey yourself, Logan. Hey, Mr. S.”

 Nate joined them and Mr. Sanders led them to the front row of seats. He had three padded fold out chairs, one in front of the other two. Logan took one of them and Nate took the other. Ignoring how close he was to Nate at that very moment, Logan focused instead on Mr. Sanders. 

 The drama teacher took the chair in front of them and beamed at them both. 

 “Thank you both for coming. I just wanted to take a moment and congratulate you both on getting the roles, even if you may not have wanted them.”

 Mr. Sanders who smiled apologetically. 

 “I had suggested we hold auditions and I was overruled.”

 Logan shrugged, a habit he had picked up from Virgil. 

 “It can’t be helped now and it’s not for any major event. I mean, I may suffer from making an absolute mockery of myself but… I have my own reasons for doing it, I suppose.”

 “Oh really? Do tell,” Nate pressed, flashing an easy grin.

 Logan flushed. He couldn’t believe he had just said what he’d said. He had felt surprisingly calm in the moment though he supposed that was just the effect Mr. Sanders had on people.

 Effective for an instructor teaching performing arts. 

 “It’s just… I’m a team player. We all have to do this. I cannot be selfish. I’d also… well, I’d kind of like to challenge myself too, I suppose.”

 And it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Nate was playing Romeo and Logan would get to kiss him. 

 Logan’s heart rate increased and his eyes fell to Nate’s mouth before quickly looking away.

 “Huh. Well… that’s epic. Good for you, dude.”

 Logan nodded. 

 “Nate’s right. That is very epic!” Mr. Sanders agreed. 

 He clapped his hands.

 “Alright, I know I don’t have to tell you two that Romeo and Juliet are the two most important characters in the play. Obviously, without them, the play would not exist. But, I want you guys to forget about that.”

 Logan’s confusion must have shown on his face because Mr. Sanders elaborated. “You are to think of them as people. Think of them as your friends. Or better yet, yourselves. I want you to get into their minds and think about why they do the things they do in the way they do them.”

 He stood up, pacing back and forth as he explained, glancing at them every so often. He then returned to them, taking the chair once more.

 “By doing that, you open them up in an intimate way that allows you to become them. Does all of that make sense?”

 He looked at Logan first before glancing at Nate. 

 Logan considered the words. He wasn’t an actor. That was Roman. 

 Which reminded him to make a mental note to speak with Roman after this. Unfortunately, while that would help future him, it did not help him now. 

 “I suppose… it’s… well, if we don’t feel what they are feeling…” Logan was grasping at straws. He was hands down the worst choice for the character of Juliet he had ever seen. 

 Nate leaned toward Logan. It was subtle but Logan, constantly aware of his surroundings, noticed. Strangely, it was comforting. 

 “Let me take a stab.”

 “Go ahead, Nate.” Mr. Sanders said with a grin, pleased with the other’s enthusiasm.

 “It’s because we can’t just learn the lines and do what the movements and motions say. Anyone can do that, but in order to sell what we are doing, we have to understand the character’s struggles to better perform them on the stage. By becoming the characters, we help the audience experience what they were feeling and thinking.”

 “Very good Nate! Exactly.”

 Logan glanced at Nate and smiled his appreciation. Nate shrugged.

 And winked.

 Logan blushed and turned his attention back to Mr. Sanders who was rising to head to his bag. He pulled out what appeared to be papers and two boxes and headed back to them. Handing each boy a stapled document, he continued to talk. 

 “These are your scripts. Feel free to highlight, take notes, change directions, and—although anything you change must be approved by me—I am always open to and strongly urge suggestions.” He then handed them each a box of two highlighters. “Rehearsals will start tomorrow after school. They will run for an hour and a half during weekdays for the next four weeks. The three weeks after that will be two and a half hour practices and the week after that is show week.”

 He glanced at them both. 

 “Any questions?”

 Logan, afraid to speak, shook his head. He held his script and highlighters close, ready to bolt at the first opportunity. Nate must have agreed in some fashion because Mr. Sanders continued on. 

 “One last suggestion. You are expected to run your lines outside of rehearsals. It’s the only way to memorize the lines. However, you are not expected to run lines together. I do want to strongly urge that you do. Find a nice quiet place to run the scenes you guys have together. You both already seem pretty comfortable around each other. That will help! Especially when it comes to practicing the kiss.” 

 He glanced at Logan. “You do not have to practice the kiss but you will want to. Trust me. It’s not easy to kiss strangers on stage.” He shuddered and Logan had to wonder at his experience with such things. Perhaps it was better not to ask. 

 He ignored his flaming cheeks and cleared his throat. 

 “Thank you for all the suggestions and insight, Mr. Sanders, but if that is all, I really must go.”

 “Yes, of course. You are both good to go and I look forward to seeing you at rehearsals.”

 Logan took off and didn’t look back. 

  »»————　♞　————««

 Nate wasn’t sure how he managed it, but he was able to keep his disappointment and irritation off his face until he thanked Mr. Sanders and left. 

 So… that was it then. 

 Logan didn’t like him and was actually disgusted by the idea of not only kissing him but practicing kissing him too. 

 He sighed as he ignored the urge to hit the wall. Even if it would help him let out his frustration, he’d have a broken hand and that would just do no one any good. 

 Deciding to put the feelings into doing something useful, Nate made his way to the door that led backstage and headed in. Making his way past the dressing rooms and costume closets, Nate reached the main backstage floor, where he found Janus. 

 His friend was busy working, sketching backgrounds onto the backdrops that had already been assembled. Janus didn’t even bother looking up. 

 “Nice of you to join me, Nate.”

 Nate had no idea how he always knew it was him without looking, but at this point, he couldn’t be bothered to ask. Janus would likely take it to his grave anyway. 

 “Hey, dude.” Nate sighed.

 Janus immediately looked up from what he was doing, his eyes narrowing. 

 “What happened?” 

 Nate blinked, a shiver at the dangerous look in those two toned eyes running down his back. Not for the first time, he was extremely happy that Janus was his friend rather than an enemy. 

 “Nothing… exactly?”

 “Darling, it’s my job to be vague and interesting. Yours is to be strong and mmm… a little himbo-esque. Now, I’m going to ask you again. What happened?”

 Nate sighed and explained what had happened in the meeting and Logan’s sudden rush out the doors at the end. Janus kept the same unreadable expression on his face throughout the story and when Nate finished, he sighed. 

 Nate frowned. 

 “What?”

 “Nate… darling… I don’t mean to sound harsh when I say this… who the hell am I kidding, yes I do. Especially since I know you can take it. Think about what you just told me and then think about who it is you’re talking about…”

 “Logan… yeah, so what?”

 Janus tutted. 

 “Okay… I see I am going to have to spell this out for you, hon. In the years that we have attended this school with Logan, have you ever seen him date? Ever see him hold hands with anyone?” He watched Nate closely. Nate, not sure where this was going, just listened. “Ever see him hug anyone… well, I suppose he gets hugs from Patton but that definitely doesn’t count. Everyone gets hugs from Patton. But anyway… ever see him in any scenario like those I mentioned?”

 Nate didn’t really need to think about it. He had liked Logan for so long, it was as if his presence was a magnet for Nate’s gaze. 

 “No… but I don’t really see how…”

 “So gorgeous… so sweet… but so, so dumb.”

 Nate might have felt offended but the other said the insult with such fondness it almost felt like the other compliments he’d offered. 

 “Janus, just get to the point.”

 “Very well. Of course Logan ran out of there at the thought of practicing kissing you… he’s never been kissed, Nate.”

 Oh.

 Oh.

 “Oh.”

 Janus smirked and stood up, coming to stand in front of him. Nate looked down at him and sighed. 

 “I… never even considered… huh… okay… so I should definitely go find him then?”

 “Oh, most definitely.”

 Janus winked. Nate grinned at the other and nodded at the sketch. 

 “Nice trees, by the way. I think that’s what they are—”

 “Fuck you,” Janus said but grinned. 

 “You wish.”

 “Don’t I just.” 

 Nate chuckled and pointed at the hall that led to the exit with his thumb. 

 “I’ve got a cute nerd to find. Catch you later.”

 “Oh, have you learned how to catch things now?”

 Nate, who totally could not catch anything thrown his way, gasped. 

 “Low blow, my friend.”

 “It’s how you know I care. Now, go find Logan. Also, maybe consider telling him how you feel… just a thought. No pressure.”

 “Yeah… we’ll see. Later.”

 “Go get him, darling.”

 Nate snorted but headed out for the dorms.

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan reached the dorm room that he shared with Virgil and quickly buried himself in the thing that made him feel safest: homework. 

 He was so lost in his homework that he almost didn’t hear the knock on the door. It wasn’t odd to have someone knock on his door, so Logan didn’t give it much thought. It was likely Patton looking for Virgil or something. Patton often forgot that his cell phone would be a much more efficient solution to finding his boyfriend. 

 Then again, also knowing Patton pretty well by now, it was just as likely he was checking up on Logan. That boy did wear his heart on his sleeve and would want to help if he perceived someone was upset in any way. 

 Therefore, when he went to open his door, it was with great surprise, and uncalled for embarrassment, he found Nate on the other side. 

 “So… hey.”

 “... Hi.”

 Logan did not miss how Nate glanced into his dorm before looking at him once more. 

 “I was wondering if you… uh… if you had a moment.”

 Logan shifted slightly but nodded. When he said nothing, Nate continued. 

 “Do you think we can maybe take this inside?”

 “You wish to be invited into my dorm room?”

 Nate chuckled softly. Logan frowned. It almost sounded fond but that made no sense. Logan was barely a blip on Nate’s radar. There was no reason for him to be fond of anything that had to do with Logan. 

 Deciding it was obviously projections of his own feelings—why did he have them again?—Logan pushed any thoughts and inquiries on fondness from his mind. 

 “Yeah, if that’s alright with you.”

 Logan considered before nodding, opening the door and stepping away to let Nate pass. He closed the door behind him, trying to ignore the twisting of his insides from having his crush in his room. 

 Not sure what to do with himself, Logan returned to his desk and leaned against it, watching Nate and ignoring the heat rising up the back of his neck. 

 “Alright… we’re inside. What did you wish to speak to me about?”

 Nate, who had been checking out the room, seemed to focus on Logan’s side. 

 Interesting. 

 He grinned at Logan now and crossed from the book shelf he had been perusing to stand in front of him. 

 “Yeah, so… I just wanted to talk about the play…”

 Logan sighed. 

 “Obviously. There is no other reason that could have brought you here. I know we don’t talk too much and we aren’t friends so there would be no reason to hang out, but surely, after years of school with me, you would know that I am pretty observant.”

 Nate chuckled that same fond laugh again. The sound had heat slipping into Logan’s cheeks and he cleared his throat. 

 “What about the play, Nathan?”

 Nate sighed. “Janus told me you’ve uh… you’ve never been kissed…”

 Oh.

 Right, the kiss in the play.

 Even though this was obviously about kissing each other in the play, Logan couldn’t get past the fact that he would have to kiss Nate. If it had been anyone else, he was certain he could manage. But with Nate… 

 What if he was horrible? What if Nate told everyone?

 No… Nathan Lasses could be a dick but to most people, he was kind and fair and nice. Besides, in Logan’s humble opinion, Remy—Nate’s twin—was much worse. 

 Nate wouldn’t tell anyone. Knowing Nate, he’d offer to help him practice and—

 Suddenly it clicked. He knew exactly why Nate was there. 

 “Ah. You wish to practice the kiss,” he said simply. 

 Nate’s eyes widened in surprise for a brief moment before the look was replaced with something else. Something softer. 

 Do not even think of that word, Logan, or so help me.

 “Correct, as always, scholar.”

 Logan blinked. Huh, a nickname. 

 As far as Logan had been informed by Patton, nicknames were things people gave to other people they really liked and wanted to be friends with. 

 Logan held back a sigh. 

 Friendship… well, I suppose if that’s what he wants from me… it would be selfish of me to refuse.

 Ignoring the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he forced a smile. 

 “That… that would be okay with me…” Logan said. 

 This was not how he wanted his first kiss—especially not with Nate—but as there was no hope for more, it would be pointless to hold out on the impossibility that there ever would be.

 Besides, it was better this way. He was far too busy for silly things like holding hands, little whispers spoken between kisses, flirting, cuddling. He wasn’t big on those things anyway. Even if he would have liked to try… with Nate.

 “Wait, really? I honestly thought I was going to have to like talk you into it or something.”

 Logan shook his head and held up a hand.

 “Not at all. Janus, though I’d love to know who his source was, is correct. I’ve never kissed or been kissed. This is an adequate solution. Completely logical.”

 Nate frowned and Logan hesitated. 

 “What’s wrong?”

 Nate had a look on his face that was hard for Logan to read. It was reserved but there was something else too. Before Logan could figure out what it could be, Nate was suddenly grinning and clapping. It was as if nothing had happened but there was still a weird charge in the air. 

 Or maybe Logan was reading too much into the situation. 

 “Nothing’s wrong, dude. Let’s get started.”

 Logan’s eyes widened at that. 

 “Now?”

 He was pained to admit to himself that he might have squeaked the word, but if any one else asked, he would take it to his grave. 

 Nate snickered. 

 “Aww, getting shy? Cute.”

 Logan blushed at that and, regretfully, flailed his embarrassment. 

 “I’m not cute!”

 “I mean, of course you don’t find yourself attractive, scholar, but you never know. Some people might.”

 “Oh, yes, and someday Patton will stop hanging out with cats even though he’s pretty severely allergic.”

 “Haha, yeah right.”

 “Exactly.”

 It seemed to hit Nate what Logan had meant and suddenly the taller teen was closing the remaining distance between them.

 “I’m serious, Logan.” He looked it too. His dark brown eyes locked with Logan’s and he smiled the same smile from earlier. The one that Logan was positive he was projecting because it made zero sense for Nate to smile at him like that unless…

 No Logan. You already ran the probability of a guy like him liking a guy like you. He doesn’t like you in the same way you like him.

 “Hey, Logan…” Nate said, voice lower. Softer.

 Logan looked up, unsure of when he looked away. His grey eyes met brown once more and suddenly the atmosphere changed. 

 He could no longer hear the world outside his dorm room and time felt slower. He wasn’t sure what was happening and he wasn’t sure he liked it. Clearing his throat, he swallowed. 

 “Yes, Nathan…” he whispered. 

 Why was he whispering?

 “Can I kiss you?”

 Logan swallowed again but nodded. 

 Nate smiled and Logan was shocked again to find it seemed kind of… disappointed. Sad, even. Then Nate was closing his eyes and Logan, completely out of his element, did the same. 

 The first contact was soft… almost as if it hadn’t been there at all. Logan found himself leaning into it and his lips found Nate’s. He gasped and pulled away, bringing a hand to his mouth. 

 “Very good, for your first kiss,” Nate said, grinning teasingly. Logan blushed. 

 “Shut up.”

 “No, no. None of that. I’m serious. You did good.”

 “Right.” 

 Logan had no reason to believe him, of course, but it was nice to hear. Then again, unlike Logan, Nate had kissed many people. Maybe he knew what he was talking about. He cleared his throat.

 “Should we… keep practicing?”

 Nate seemed surprised by the question but laughed and nodded. 

 “We absolutely should keep practicing. Definitely should. One hundred percent.”

 Logan rolled his eyes but snorted. 

 “Very well. Kiss me again.”

 Nate smirked. 

 “Yes, sir.”

 With that, he placed his hands on Logan’s hips and tugged him against his body, leaning down to kiss him deeply on the mouth.

  »»————　♞　————««

 Nate couldn’t help the pleased sound that escaped him as he kissed Logan deeply. His eyes were closed, brows furrowed, lips moving against Logan’s. 

 Never in all his wildest dreams had he ever thought he would get the chance to kiss Logan. Now that he had, however, he felt as if the universe was laughing in his face. 

 Like, yeah you get to kiss him but you ain’t never gonna have him. Not how you so desperately desire.

 Fuck the universe. 

 If he couldn’t find the words to tell Logan…

 If he couldn’t trust himself to say the right things…

 Well, he’d just have to tell him through his kisses. 

 He could do that.

 Logan’s arms wrapped around him and Nate took that as all the permission he needed to hold Logan closer. He moved one hand to the small of Logan’s back as his other hand came up to frame the intelligent teen’s face. 

 Nate was the one who had to pull away, inhaling sharply as he tried to catch his breath and chuckling as Logan chased after his retreating mouth. 

 “So…” Nate asked, the word low and still a little breathless. “How was that?”

 Logan just blinked up at Nate. “H-huh, what, I’m sorry?”

 Nate laughed deeply at that and, before he could talk himself out of it, he quickly leaned down to kiss the other’s forehead. 

 “Cute…” he said, voice low and fond. 

 Logan blushed but said nothing. Silence fell between them, neither knowing what to say or what to do. Logan seemed to want to say something—maybe ask something—but it was clear to Nate that he was nervous. Nate wished he could think of just the right thing to say that would reassure the other that he wasn’t ever going to judge him. 

 If he only knew how much I care…

 Then maybe you should tell him. That voice sounded far more like Janus’s than it did Nate’s.

 Yeah right.

 Nate smiled down at Logan and was about to ask him if it would be okay if they practiced again tomorrow but in the next moment Logan was pressing closer and kissing him. Having absolutely no problem with this change in plans, Nate wrapped both arms tight around Logan, embracing him completely as he kissed back hungrily. 

 It was Logan’s turn to make pleased sorts of sounds, the other teen obviously getting lost in the feelings and sensations. That was all well and good, of course, but the sounds did things to Nate and if he allowed those sounds to keep doing those things to him, well… 

 He wouldn’t need words to tell Logan how he felt because Logan would be able to feel it.

 Pulling away quickly, Nate worked hard to catch his breath. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat. 

 “Okay! So, I think this is a great place to stop. We can totally practice some more tomorrow, if you’re okay with that—”

 “Yes.” Logan said it so quickly he seemed to surprise even himself. 

 Nate’s brows rose as Logan cleared his throat and spoke up again, more reserved. 

 “I mean, that would be agreeable.”

 Nate smirked at that.

 “Great. Same time after classes? Back here?”

 Logan nodded but then stopped. 

 “Yes… but can we go to your room? I just… if Virgil’s here I’m not going to be able to… you know… it’ll be too embarrassing.”

 “You do realize that we are going to be kissing in front of a whole lot more than just one student, right?”

 Logan nodded, pulling off his glasses. He pulled out a little handkerchief, wiping gently at the lenses. 

 “Of course… but that’s a little different. We’ll be on stage and the audience will mostly be in shadow. Not to mention, the audience will be one collective group. I won’t know where my friends are sitting—well, most of them will be in the play but that is beside the point—and so I won’t see them. If it were just Virgil there though… it just seems too…”

 “Intimate,” Nate asked, hopeful. 

 Logan considered the word and finally nodded.

 “Yes, exactly. Too intimate.”

 “Well, I mean I have a roommate too, so I’m not sure I can promise Janus won’t be there.”

 That was a bold face lie. He could and would make sure Janus would not be there. 

 He grinned. “But if that’s cool with you, then I am more than happy to sacrifice my room for our kissing practices.”

 Logan blushed but smiled gently, nodding. 

 “Thank you.”

 Nate nodded. 

 He glanced at the door and then back at Logan. 

 “So… I have to be honest… kissing you is kinda fun…”

 That’s the understatement of the century.

 Still, he didn’t want to come on too strong and scare the other. The blush this pulled from Logan also made the light confession so very worth it.

 “Mind if I take one for the road?”

 Logan’s eyes brightened and Nate watched as the other’s eyes darted to Nate’s mouth and back while licking his lips. He nodded slowly. 

 “I would not be opposed.”

 “Good.”

 Nate moved in close once more, hands on Logan’s hips as he guided him in closer. His brown eyes met gray and he grinned warmly. 

 “Cute,” he said as the other blushed a little deeper.

 Before Logan could argue his point, Nate closed his eyes and kissed Logan hard. Logan gasped into the kiss, perhaps surprised by the sudden intensity. Nate took the opportunity to slip his tongue into Logan’s mouth, exploring it and caressing Logan’s tongue with his own. 

 Logan let out an almost whimpering sound and Nate groaned in response. It was Logan who ended the kiss this time and Nate couldn’t deny that he had definitely chased after his mouth. Logan was panting and pulled out of Nate’s hold, the taller teen letting him. 

 “Wow…” Logan breathed, bringing his fingers to press at kiss swollen lips. 

 “Yeah,” Nate agreed, catching his own breath. Silence fell between them again but it was almost comfortable this time. Nate grinned. 

 “Well, I guess I’ll see you in class and kissing practice after.”

 Logan nodded. When it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything else, Nate moved close once more and kissed the top of his head. 

 “See you tomorrow, scholar.”

 “See you tomorrow, Nathan.”

 Nate had the walk back to his own dorm to consider everything that had just happened. He couldn’t believe how well Logan had taken to kissing him. Then again, Nate had it so bad even if Logan couldn’t kiss, he’d still enjoy it… but there was also the fact that Logan was intelligent and smart and capable and it was no surprise at all that he had picked up kissing just as well as any other subject or skill. 

 But Logan had enjoyed it… and had wanted to keep doing it. 

 Just like that, hope returned in Nate’s heart. 

 Maybe, just maybe, his hopeless crush on Logan Wright wasn’t so hopeless after all. 

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan continued to press his fingers against his lips throughout the night. He did it so much that it almost became something of a fixation. He would remember the feeling of Nate’s lips pressed against his own and brush against his own lips, still sore from all the kissing. 

 He would then smile and sigh as his insides fluttered until he reminded himself that the kissing was just Nate being a good friend and one would assume a good actor. Logan was pretty certain that Roman went on often about something he called ‘method acting’. 

 His and Nate’s kissing was simply that. 

 Logan longed for so much more. 

 Still, Nate had obviously enjoyed kissing him so maybe this kissing practice would prove to be a good thing. 

 Logan brought his hand up to his lips once more, smiling softly as he brushed against them idly. 

 It was at that moment the door opened and Virgil shuffled in, tossing his bag by the little couch in the middle of the room. He collapsed onto it, only then glancing Logan’s way. 

 Logan, still lost in the memory of kissing Nate, had registered Virgil’s arrival but said nothing, still sliding his fingers gently across his lips. 

 “Hello~ Earth to Logan? Dude, what’s going on with you?”

 Logan blinked and looked at Virgil.

 “Oh, hey there, Virgil. Did you hang out with Patton?”

 Virgil nodded before shaking his head. 

 “Nope. We’re talking about you… you’re acting very… uh… Roman-y and Patton-y today.”

 Logan blushed because what that meant was that he was being very feelings-y. Logan usually was not a very feelings-y person. His best friend knew this well. 

 There were, however, some things he was not yet aware of. 

 “I kissed Nate today!” Logan said. Then he added, as an afterthought, “a lot.”

 Virgil’s eyes widened almost comically. 

 “You did what? When?”

 “While you were out…”

 “So, what? Did he ask you out? Are you two dating? Do I have to give him the best friend talk where I threaten his life if he hurts you?”

 Logan’s brows rose and he stared at Virgil waiting for him to end his tirade. He didn’t respond until Virgil grinned sheepishly and gestured in a go-right-ahead sort of manner. 

 “Okay, first… you have the wrong impression but, considering I blurted out that I kissed him with no other context, that’s not your fault. He sought me out here and I realized that he was offering to practice with me and well… I accepted.”

 “So…” Virgil bit his lip. “Look, I know when we’re younger and they tell you your first kiss is a big deal and all and it’s best with someone you really like and that likes you too but… it’s not like it is on tv.”

 Logan shrugged and smiled at Virgil. He knew it wasn’t a fully happy smile, but honestly, Virgil was a good friend. He tried his very best to help Logan any time he needed to feel better. 

 “So… even though you have to kiss him in the play when doesn’t like you—which, I’m still positive he does, that’s not the point here—how was it?”

 Logan laughed as he watched Virgil shift to the edge of the couch, leaning forward in Logan’s direction, obviously invested in whatever it was Logan would say next. 

 The intelligent teen blushed but smiled slowly, biting his lip. 

 “It was so much better than I could ever imagine.”

 Virgil chuckled at that and nodded. 

 “Yeah. Yeah, I feel that. Remember when we were younger and we were grossed out by even the thought.”

 Logan nodded. In fact, until that first kiss, Logan had still very much thought that. But now… 

 “I want to kiss him again.”

 Virgil laughed again. 

 “Damn, L.” 

 Logan blushed. “Shut up.”

 Virgil snorted. “Nope. Never. Besides, it's my job to keep you on your toes.”

 Logan shook his head. Idly, he brought his hand up to brush at his lips again. 

 “I’m a little worried though… it’s obvious that you like kissing him so much because of your feelings for him, L.”

 Logan nodded. He too had come to the conclusion. 

 “Okay… maybe don’t have so many practices?”

 Logan considered and nodded. 

 “Yeah… yeah, maybe.”

 Virgil seemed happy to have helped and went off to shuffle in his backpack for his homework. Logan sighed. 

 Virgil had a point. A very valid and logical point. 

 Unfortunately, Logan was not sure how well he would be able to resist now that he’d had just a taste of what could never be.

 Pushing the problem out of his mind, Logan turned his attention back to the problems that were within his ability to solve. 

  »»————　♞　————««

 Nate honestly felt like he was floating as he walked through the dorms, heading for his own room. He headed inside, making his way to his bed and tossed himself onto it. As he looked up at the ceiling, he brought a hand to his mouth and slid his fingers against his lower lip. 

 A smile slowly slipped onto his face as he pulled his hand away and bit his lip. He couldn’t believe how readily Logan had agreed to ‘kiss practice’. He had even agreed to continue it. 

 Nate found himself torn. 

 As much as he had so very loved kissing the intelligent teen, he also knew that he was only setting himself up for heartbreak. The play—and so the kissing—would come to an end and things would go back to the way they had been. 

 Still, Nate didn’t see why that meant he couldn’t enjoy it while he had the chance. If it had never been for the powers-that-be choosing himself and Logan for Romeo and Juliet, he would never have gotten the chance to feel what it was like to kiss the boy he had liked for so long. 

 The door opened and Nate, a soft, warm smile on his face and insides toasty, looked up to meet Janus’s gaze. Janus, apparently noting the love-sick look on his face, sighed and tugged Remus in by their linked hands before closing the door. 

 “I take it from the revolting look on your face that you talked to Logan?” Nate noted how eager the other sounded. 

 He cleared his throat. 

 “Oh, yeah… yeah, we talked a bit…”

 Nate looked away as Janus narrowed his eyes. 

 “And…?”

 “Ah, and nothing… I just told him I completely understood he was nervous.”

 “Did you tell him how you feel, Nate?”

 Nate had the decency to look sheepish. 

 “Not… exactly…”

 Janus gave him the look that meant he should continue. 

 “But he was very responsive to my kisses.”

 Janus’s eyes widened and Nate felt a rush of pride at causing such a rare phenomenon. It was not often that one surprised Janus Trompeur. 

 “You kissed him?”

 Nate could hear the excitement in his voice. Not wanting a misunderstanding, Nate cleared his throat. 

 “Yeah… I told him it was understandable he was nervous since he’d never been kissed and he came to the conclusion that I was offering to practice with him and so he agreed and we kissed… a lot… and it was so much better than I could have ever imagined.”

 Janus crossed his arms. “Uh huh.”

 “You should have seen Logan too… I’ve… I’ve never seen him like that before… I can safely guarantee it was enjoyed by both parties. He’s also agreed to continue. We’ll have another practice tomorrow.”

 He glanced up at Janus, hoping he would see where he was going with this. 

 The other sighed and winced. 

 “Oh, Nate… you beautiful, dumb idiot… you’re going to try to kiss him in love with you, aren’t you.”

 Nate flashed a grin. 

 “I’m going to kiss him in love with me, Janus!”

 Janus sighed, bringing a hand up to palm his face before he shook his head. 

 “Oh, darling. That’s not going to work if you don’t tell him how you feel.”

 Nate sighed. 

 “Yeah, you should lick his juicy butthole as well!”

 Janus and Nate both glared at Remus, who just cackled and continued to listen. 

 “Nate…”

 Nate threw up his hands in frustration. 

 “Okay, okay! Damn it, I know, Janus. I know.”

 Janus smiled and nodded. 

 “Very good… and….”

 Nate sighed and rolled his eyes but answered dutifully, as expected. 

 “And I promise I will find some time before the play is over to tell him how I feel.”

 Janus flashed a victory smile. 

 “Good. Now, all this dabbling into your love life has made me hungry. Let’s go get dinner.”

 Nate grinned and nodded. Ignoring the return of the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, Nate pulled on his coat and joined the other two for dinner.

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan wouldn’t say he had grown used to kissing Nate three days into practice, but he would definitely say he had grown comfortable with it. Unfortunately, as Monday came and classes began once more, Logan realized that today would be the first rehearsal. 

 He would have to kiss Nate… but on stage. 

 “I can’t do this, Nate,” he said, his words a little sharp from nerves. Nate just shrugged and nodded at the audience that was currently made up of the rest of their senior class. Unfortunately, that meant the seats were nearly packed and quite a lot of people would be watching. 

 Unlike their parents and faculty, the other students wouldn’t hold back if he were to make an absolute mockery of himself. 

 Suddenly, hands were on his shoulders and he could feel the tightness deep in his bones melting away as strong fingers rubbed into his muscles. 

 “Sorry… I should have asked first… I can stop, if you want me to…”

 Logan shook his head, letting out a little moan of pleasure as his eyes closed. 

 “No… this is… this is acceptable.”

 Logan sighed as he focused on Nate’s hands and the way his muscles relaxed under his touch. By the time his body was completely relaxed, Logan realized he was pressed into Nate in a very intimate way. Stepping forward, he turned to look at Nate, clearing his throat. 

 “Thank you for the massage. I appreciate it.”

 Nate smiled. 

 “Anytime.”

 Logan, noting how amazing his body felt, nodded. “Noted. I might actually take you up on that offer in the future. Now, let’s run the lines once more before we—”

 “Logan. Nate. You two are up.” Remy called, as if bored out of his mind.

 Logan stiffened but gave a sharp nod. Nate returned his hands to Logan’s shoulders as he nodded to his twin. Remy walked off and Nate turned Logan to look at him. 

 “You’ve got this, Logan. You already have all your lines memorized. Literally. Which by the way, think you can help me with that, because I totally do not…”

 Logan laughed, feeling the worry and stress melting away. 

 He turned to look at Nate and smiled. 

 “I have this theory.”

 Nate grinned. “Oh yeah, what’s that?”

 “That you’re going to do a really good job.”

 Nate’s eyes warmed and his smile went soft. Once again, Logan was projecting onto this poor teenager who had no idea what he did to Logan. 

 “Let’s go break some legs, yeah.”

 “I prefer the phrase ‘fracture a femur’ but yes, let’s.”

 Nate laughed deeply and Logan couldn’t help but grin, a little proud of himself for causing such a reaction. 

 »»————　♞　————««

 Nate, in character, made his way to his love, tears lingering on his cheeks. He swallowed hard as he took in his ‘dead’ Juliet, rushing to the ‘concrete’ dias where her body lay. Pulling Logan into his arms, he tried his hardest not to look directly at Logan’s face. He didn’t want to cause the other to crack up or break character. 

 Vowing that he would love Juliet and Juliet alone forever, Nate as Romeo took the colored-water ‘poison’ and began to choke. He shuddered and moved to lay beside his lover on the dias. He choked a few more times for good measure, causing students in the audience to laugh before he collapsed once more on the structure and closed his eyes.

 Nate did his very best to look dead. Considering that Nate was lazy by nature and often lounged around, and he was pretty certain Janus would happily tell him to his face he looked like a dead man walking, that was the easiest part of the play. 

 But what would come mere moments later… 

 Nate felt Logan shuffle on the dias, hearing him let out a yawn, signaling to the audience Juliet had woken from her drugged sleep. Unfortunately, Nate could not see what Logan was doing lest he break character but a moment later, he gasped. 

 Logan called for ‘Romeo’ but when Romeo did not rouse—though it was hard because Nate wanted nothing more than to reassure Logan how well he was doing—Juliet cried for her dead husband. 

 Nate felt a shift on the structure and then soft, gentle hands were taking hold of his face. He bit the part of his lower lip still hidden by his closed mouth to keep from grinning. He heard as Logan professed that he would kiss Romeo so that Juliet may be with him.

 Soft but firm lips pressed against his own. Nate couldn’t deny he definitely smiled into the kiss. He could also feel Logan smiling into it. 

 That was when it happened. 

 Logan cracked up laughing and Nate opened his eyes to chuckle as well. 

 “Well, hey there, Julie, baby.”

 “Oh my god, shut up.” Logan said through his laughing.

 Mr. Sanders joined them and laughed. 

 “That was really good… we’ll need to work on the laughing but otherwise… that practice was amazing, everyone! We’ll keep working on the blocking, but just keep running your lines and memorizing them. I think this is actually going to be really, really awesome!”

 Nate glanced at Logan, who was beaming at Mr. S’s praise. 

 He’s so pretty when he smiles. Janus is right. God, I have it bad.

“Yeah, just wait til half of us have to do it in dresses.”

 Nate snorted as he glanced at Janus, who was playing Rosaline. He had a point. Janus, Logan, and Virgil—not to mention a handful of other senior boys—would be wearing dresses for the show. 

 “And I have every faith that you will all rock them,” Mr. Sanders countered, which earned him a grin from Janus. 

 Janus leaned his arm on Remus’s shoulder and shrugged. 

 “I mean, you’re not wrong, Mr. S,” Janus agreed.

 “I know I’m not. Now, you all get out of here and have a great and relaxing night. Logan, that means you.”

 Nate glanced at Logan to see his crush blushing but grinning. Virgil spoke up. 

 “I’ll hold him to it, Mr. S.” 

 Thomas beamed at that. 

 “Good man, Virgil. Alright, see you all tomorrow.”

 Rehearsal ended for the night, Nate turned to Logan. 

 “So… I’m kinda hungry and I’m assuming we’re still on for kissing practice tonight?”

 Logan glanced at him and nodded. 

 “Then let me at the very least get you some dinner. It’s the least I can do after my dumb ass got exiled and you killed yourself over it.”

 “Nathan… it’s a play.”

 “You’re so right. It’s a total power play. You deserve better.”

 Logan snorted at that and hesitated before bringing up a fist to punch him lightly in the shoulder. 

 Nate feigned bodily injury, grabbing his arm. 

 “Oh. You got me. I’m dead.”

 He then pretended to die on the dias, eyes closed, tongue sticking out. 

 It wasn’t until warmth pressed against his cheek that he opened his eyes to see Logan pulling back, face flushed. It was obvious that Logan had just kissed his cheek and Nate, grinning, sat up to look at Logan. 

 Glancing around, he noticed that everyone else had left—well, mostly everyone. Virgil, Remus, Janus, and Patton were talking at the entrance to the backstage area. None of them were looking their way and so Nate, feeling confident, turned his attention back to Logan. 

 Before he could even open his mouth to ask Logan if he could kiss him, Logan claimed his mouth with his own. Nate’s eyes closed and he quickly returned the favor, a soft, happy sound escaping him. 

 Logan placed a hand on his chest as he slid closer, his other reaching up to grip at the little hairs at the back of Nate’s neck. Nate shivered but gasped, Logan quickly taking advantage of this and slipping his tongue inside. 

 Nate moaned, teasing along Logan’s tongue with his own as he kissed back desperately. 

 “Ooooooh,” Janus teased.

 Nate’s eyes opened wide as he and Logan both jumped from the kiss. He quickly glanced toward the backstage but no one was there and all sound of talking had ceased. He would have assumed that the others—seeing what he and Logan were up to—had left but he also knew Janus very well. 

 “That was…”

 “Satisfactory.”

 Nate laughed at that. “Yes, very, very, very satisfactory.”

 He held the other’s gaze and smiled. 

 “So… dinner?”

 Logan rolled his eyes. 

 “Very well. You’re paying.”

 “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan fidgeted with his keys in his pocket as he walked with Nate to the cafeteria. The nice thing about the school was that they had little restaurants in the cafeteria, a lot like they did in colleges, instead of what most public schools offered. Unfortunately, as they allowed the students to work there for a wage, Virgil would most definitely be present. 

 He sighed as he realized the long talk Virgil would want to have with him the moment he saw Logan with Nate, already feeling exhausted. 

 “What’s wrong?”

 Logan blinked up at the other. 

 “Huh? Oh, nothing,” Logan lied. It wasn’t a complete lie, per say. Logan was used to Virgil and he never minded talking with his friend. He just didn’t want to hear the ‘I told you so’ from his friend when Virgil realized he hadn’t been limiting the kissing practices as well as he could have. 

 Nate, looking doubtful, frowned. “You sure?”

 Logan laughed softly and nodded. “Yeah… just stressed out about the play but… somehow, I know it’s going to be okay.”

 Nate laughed at that. “That’s the attitude to have, scholar!” 

 Logan smiled, ignoring the slight twinge of guilt he felt at not being completely truthful. Then again, there was no way he could be truthful without informing Nate about how he felt about him, and Logan…

 He just couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

 Maybe it was selfish but, knowing that Nate would suddenly feel awkward and uncomfortable around him once he found out, Logan wanted to enjoy a little more time with him.

 Just the two of them.

 Just like this. 

 They reached the cafeteria and Logan followed Nate to the center of the room. Logan considered the options and was about to go order from where Virgil was working when Nate called out to him. 

 “My treat, so where we eating today?” 

 Logan nodded toward the little taco hut where Virgil stood now, watching them both. Nate, noticing Virgil for the first time, gave a start before grinning. 

 “Oh! Hey, Virgil. What’s up, dude?”

 He moved over to the little taco restaurant and offered his fist, which Virgil bumped but not before snorting and rolling his eyes first. As Logan joined them, Virgil spoke up, not taking his eyes from Logan’s gaze. 

 “Hey, losers. What brings you guys down? Logan, didn’t you say your plan was to do homework tonight?”

 He eyed Logan doggedly, which the intelligent student ignored, instead glancing at the menu though he already knew it by heart. 

 “Oh, that was my fault. After rehearsal I practically begged him to go get dinner with me because I am a sad, lonely guy.”

 Logan watched Virgil closely, surprised at the slight grin slipping onto his face at Nate’s words. 

 “You’re not bad, Lassus. Your brother though… he’s a dick and he still owes me 50 bucks. Now, what can I get you losers to eat?”

 Logan ordered what he always got: the taco plate. Nate, meanwhile, ordered a taco salad. Logan would have been slightly surprised as Nate had never pegged him as a good nutrition aficionado, but then the other asked for double meat and Logan could just sigh fondy and grin. 

 Nate tried to pay but Virgil completely ignored him. Food was placed on two trays and cups added afterward. 

 “On the house,” he said slowly, holding Nate’s gaze as if just trying to goad him into objecting. Nate seemed to realize this because he grinned and held up his hands. 

 “Okay, okay. I got the message.”

 “Finally,” Virgil mumbled but he was grinning ever so slightly. 

 Logan realized that, in his own way, Virgil was approving of Nate. Once Nate took his tray to go find a great table, Logan grinned when his best friend’s eyes met his. 

 “Thank you,” he mouthed. Virgil rolled his eyes but mouthed your welcome before waving in the direction Nate had gone. 

 “He’s not such a total waste of a human, I suppose,” Virgil said finally. “But Logan… if this is something you want… you really need to tell—”

 Logan sighed, cutting off yet another tirade. “I’m aware, V. I promise… I’ll tell him by the last performance.”

 Virgil groaned softly. “You really, really should tell him before that but… fine… look, L. You don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to but… I’m afraid that if you don’t, all of this is going to hurt you a lot more than you realize.”

 Logan wanted to disagree. Unfortunately, he was definitely not an expert on feelings and since Virgil was dating one of the two experts on feelings that they knew, he suspected Virgil likely picked up a few things. 

 “I vow to tell him before the start of our last performance at the latest.”

 “I’ll drink to that compromise… you know, if I had a drink.” He sighed wistfully but Logan knew it was all for the theatrics. Though Virgil would swear up and down that he was not dramatic, Logan—friends with three dramatic people—knew better. He could be just as dramatic as Roman when he wanted to be. 

 Logan grabbed his tray, thanked Virgil once more, and headed for the table on the far side of the large, open room. Virgil called back to him, wishing him good luck, causing Logan to smile softly. 

 Gray eyes sought out his...friend. Logan, ignoring the sudden feeling of sadness, pushed such thoughts out of his head. Sure, Nate would never be his boyfriend, but it was clear he wanted to be friends. Logan would not be the kind of person who couldn’t be friends with someone who did not want to date him. 

 Nate waved his arms wildly, chuckling when Logan’s eyes met his and he corrected his course for Nate’s table. He reached him quickly enough, snorting when Nate tugged him gently to sit next to him, rather than across from him. 

 Logan had expected Nate to talk to him then but, as he quickly learned, Nate was very much an eat-now-talk-after kind of guy. 

 Laughing softly, Logan started to dig in as well. 

 »»————　♞　————««

 Nate had eaten about half his food when he turned to Logan. 

 "I don't know about you but kissing sure does work up an appetite." His grin was flirty and eager. 

 Logan blushed and nodded. 

 "Interestingly enough, I have found that as well," Logan said. "I, too, am quite famished."

 He continued to eat as Nate became preoccupied with stuffing his face once more. 

 "Mmmm."

 Nate looked up at the sound of laughter. Logan was watching him eat, amusement in his gray gaze.

 "Adequate to your taste buds?" Logan asked with another laugh. 

 Nate looked at him and answered, a bit of food still in his mouth. 

 "Beyond adequate," he moaned. "Thank Virgil again for me later." 

 Logan laughed. 

 "Will do."

 They fell into companionable silence once more, Nate glancing at Logan every so often. Every other time he glanced, he caught Logan's gaze and both of them blushed before looking away. 

 Huh.

 Wasn't that interesting. 

 Deciding he needed more time to consider the new development, Nate cleared his throat. 

 "So… what new book are you reading? I just picked up this great Agatha Christie novel that I'm sure you've read already but it's so good."

 Logan blinked. He looked confused and even said as much. 

 "How do you know I read Agatha Christie novels?"

 Nate laughed at that. Looking fondly at Logan, he smiled. "Scholar. You've been reading those books since we all started here. I noticed them and started reading a few myself."

 Logan’s brows rose and while he didn't say anything, Nate knew exactly what that look was for. 

 "Yes. I read. Shocker, right?"

 Logan's expression took on an apologetic sort of look and Nate laughed. 

 "No no. You're fine, cutie. I'm used to people being surprised. In their defense and yours, I don't read a lot. But I can and do read."

 Logan nodded, a grin slipping onto his face as he turned to look at him better, leaning in eagerly. 

 "So which book is it that you're reading?"

 "Death on the Nile."

 Logan nodded with a grin. 

 "That one is very good but my favorite will always be—"

 "The Murder of Roger Ackroyd," Nate finished for him with a warm smile. 

 Logan blinked. He stared at Nate for a few moments, questions in those gray eyes. Nate was worried that maybe he had said too much. 

 Maybe Logan realized that Nate really liked him and now it was going to be awkward because Logan didn't feel the same. 

 And then Logan blushed and nodded. A soft smile slipped onto his face.

 "Precisely."

 Nate grinned as the slight charge between them in that moment settled. He didn't know what had happened but it hadn't sent Logan running and he considered that a win on his part. 

 They finished dinner and said their goodbyes to Virgil before heading out of the cafeteria for Nate’s dorm. 

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan was quiet on the walk to Nate’s dorm room. He knew that Nate had to be wondering at his silence but he couldn’t bring himself to speak just yet. 

 The reason for his silence...

 There had been a moment while eating with Nate that had opened his eyes to knowledge he hadn’t been aware he had lacked. 

 Logan didn’t know how he knew it but the moment Nate supplied Logan’s favorite Agatha Christie novel as fact and not a guess had been very telling and Logan was almost certain that Nate liked him. A lot. 

 Perhaps even as much as Logan liked Nate. 

 Just tell him! You know he likes you now! Tell him!

 He knew that his more logical side was right. At this point, with such a high probability of his feelings being reciprocated, the logical course of action would be to tell him. 

 And yet, Logan couldn’t. 

 He couldn’t even give a logical explanation as to why, which frustrated him more than anything. It just didn’t feel like the right time. Or the right place. 

 Logan chewed his lip. 

 He really hated relying on his feelings. 

 “Hey… half-dollar for your thoughts?”

 Logan blinked up at the other. He seemed nervous. Logan smiled at him. 

 “I’m certain the expression is ‘penny for your thoughts’.”

 Nate grinned at that, seeming to relax once more. 

 “Yeah, well. Pennies are practically worthless these days and I think more highly of the things that come out of your beautiful brain.”

 Logan blushed at that and cleared his throat. 

 “Just have a lot on my mind.”

 Nate nodded, falling silent once more. 

 Logan bit his lip before moving a little closer to the other. He tapped him with his elbow in a playful manner he’d seen Virgil do with Patton. It seemed to work because Nate grinned down at him like the sun. 

 “Hey.”

 Logan wanted to make up for the silence and since he couldn’t tell him everything… not yet...Logan said the first thing he could think of. 

 “I can’t wait for practice.”

 Then he blushed as he realized the implications of this. Nate looked at him in surprise, a slight flush to his cheeks as he slowly grinned. 

 “Uh oh…”

 Logan raised a brow. He hadn’t expected that reaction. “What?”

 “Looks like someone has an addiction to kisses.”

 Logan blushed but rolled his eyes. 

 “You are what my friend Roman would call ‘an absolute dork’.”

 Nate snorted. 

 “Roman Prince? Not surprised that’s his idea of an insult but, well, you're not wrong.”

 Logan grinned, pleased to feel the air around them grow comfortable once more. 

 “But… I concede that, perhaps, you are not wrong as well.”

 Nate grinned at him. 

 “About what?” he pressed. Logan glared at him. Nate took on a look of innocence. “I merely want to be clear about what part of what I said was not wrong.”

 Logan knew that wasn’t the case. Nate wanted to hear him say it. He decided that since he couldn’t outright tell him how he felt, the least he could do was tell him what he wanted to hear. 

 It was true, after all. 

 “I am… addicted to kisses.”

 He blushed far deeper than he expected to confess that out loud. He stopped and quickly hid his face in his hands. Nate must have glanced back and noticed he had stopped before quickly returning to him. 

 “Awww. No, no… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you… I was just teasing. Can I… can I hug you?”

 Logan nodded but did not remove his hands from his burning face. He felt as strong arms embraced him. He stayed like that, feeling safe and secure in his arms. At some point, he pulled his hands away to press his face into the other’s chest, his own arms wrapping tentatively around the taller teen’s middle. 

 “How’s that? Better, cutie?” 

 Logan nodded, trying to ignore how warm the nickname made him.

 “Do you want to postpone the practice? If you need to, then that’s totally—”

 “No!”

 Nate blinked down at the other in surprise. Logan could see that his reaction had been a bit too passionate considering Nate had no idea how he felt about him.

 “I mean, no… I very much would like to keep on schedule.” 

 Nate slowly grinned. 

 “Then what better time to start… Can I kiss you right here, Logan? Right now?”

 Logan had a feeling Nate was expecting him to laugh and playfully punch him before they continued on their course for his room. 

 That was not what happened. 

 Logan moved his arms from around him. He then threw himself at Nate, wrapping his arms around his neck, as he kissed him. Hard. 

 Nate’s eyes widened but soon fluttered closed as he tightened his hold on the slighter teen, kissing back as desperately as Logan kissed him. 

 When they finally pulled away—it was with some difficulty breathing, Logan couldn’t deny—he swallowed hard and held the other’s gaze. Nate’s gaze was curious.

 “Nate…” Logan said slowly. He saw the slight surprise on the other’s face. Logan had never called him Nate before.

 “Logan…” 

 Logan hesitated. He very much needed to tell Nate or he would always be wondering ‘what if’? As a scientific minded individual, what ifs were only useful if the question was answered. Logan needed some answers.

 “Can we… can we go somewhere quiet… your room is fine… but just somewhere with not a lot of people… please?”

 Nate, obviously confused, nodded.

 “Yeah… we’re almost to my room anyway. Come on.”

 Logan’s insides churned and tumbled as he walked at Nate’s side. He honestly had no idea what had possessed him to almost tell Nate how he felt… outside. 

 That… that definitely was not the place for such intimate talks such as that. No. One should take the person of their affections, ask to speak with them in private, and only for their ears, share what was in their heart. 

 Logan nearly made a face. 

 When had he become so sentimental?

 He glanced up at Nate and slowly, a fond smile slipped over his lips. 

 Oh, yeah. Right.

 They reached Nate’s dorm room soon after, Nate holding up a finger before walking inside, signaling Logan to wait. Logan, considering himself fairly intelligent, was sure Nate wanted to make certain Janus (and by proxy, Remus) was not around. 

 He waited as patiently as he could, rubbing his fingers against his jeans in a comforting manner. Soon enough, though it felt a lot longer to Logan, Nate returned and held the door for him. 

 “Come on in, scholar.”

 Logan did just that, almost jumping at the click of the door as Nate closed it behind them. He then led Logan into the room, making his way to the bed and taking a seat. He patted the space next to him. Logan took a deep breath, crossed the room to the bed, and took the offered seat. 

 He quickly turned to Nate just as Nate turned toward him. 

 “Logan, there’s something I need to tell you,” Nate said at the exact same time Logan said, “Nate, there’s something I wish to tell you.”

 Both of them broke out laughing, their faces flushed, gazes vulnerable. 

 Nate cleared his throat and held out his hands, palms up, to Logan. 

 “May I?” he asked, voice low. Logan nodded, placing his hands into Nate’s.

 Nate, dark eyes locked with Logan’s, bit his lip before smiling. 

 “That’s better… now… I’m sorry for jumping the gun. You… you go first.”

 Logan wanted to refuse or insist Nate go, but he decided that that wasn’t fair to Nate. He had been the one asking to talk. He should go first.

 He nodded. 

 Taking a deep breath, Logan for the first time in his life ignored his mind and spoke from his heart.

 »»————　♞　————««

 Nate squeezed Logan’s hands as the other seemed to search for the courage needed to say what he had to. 

 Nate knew what he hoped Logan wanted to say. He hoped more than anything that Logan had come to realize that he liked Nate too. But, that could just as easily not be what Logan wanted to tell him. Maybe he had noticed that Nate liked him and was being respectful, letting him down in private. 

 Maybe he just wanted to be friends. 

 Nate could live with that. It would hurt for a while, but he could deal. 

 As long as it wasn’t Logan never wanting to see him again, Nate could live with whatever it was the other was about to tell him. He sighed inwardly and instead focused on Logan. 

 Logan, who was struggling. 

 Nate squeezed his hands again. 

 “Hey,” he said and waited until Logan’s eyes met his. “Whatever it is, you won’t scare me away.” He paused. “Unless you dress up as a clown on the weekend… then I’d say my loyalty is questionable…”

 Logan laughed at that and it seemed to be the reassurance he needed. He cleared his throat and Nate leaned in subconsciously.

 “... You were correct earlier… when you said I was addicted to kisses… I am very much addicted to kisses…” 

 He glanced down at their hands and seemed to consider what to say next. Nate watched him closely, mesmerized by him. 

 “I am addicted to your kisses, Nate…”

 Nate blushed and a big grin slipped onto his face as it hit him. 

 Logan liked him. And Nate was him. Nate. Logan liked Nate. 

 “Are you saying-?!!”

 Logan laughed at that and nodded, blushing a little himself. 

 “I like you, Nate. I have for a very long time.”

 Nate whistled and shook his head. 

 “Well, that just sucks because I’ve liked you for a very long time too. Since we first met, now that I think about it. It feels like we’ve missed out on so much time.”

 Logan blinked at the remark and nodded a second later when it registered what Nate meant.

 “It does. But we’re here now… together...”

 Nate beamed and his excitement soon morphed into unbridled adoration. 

 “Be my Juliet… but alive… and forever?”

 Logan snorted. “There are so many things wrong with that question, Nate, but I like you, so I forgive you. I will be your boyfriend, though, if that would be agreeable with—”

 “Yes! So freaking agreeable! Totally agreeable!”

 Nate watched in wonder as Logan laughed, not holding back, his gray eyes full of happiness and fondness as he looked upon Nate. He couldn’t keep from surging forward and claiming Logan’s lips with his own. 

 Logan relaxed into the kiss with ease, his arms wrapping around Nate’s neck like they’d never stopped. Nate moaned into the kiss as Logan kissed back eagerly, sounds of enjoyment escaping him as well. 

 When they broke for air, Nate nuzzled into Logan’s hair with his nose before pressing a kiss to his temple. 

 “Boyfriend,” he said, overjoyed to use the title for Logan. 

 Logan rolled his eyes, blushing. “Dork.”

 Nate brought a hand to his heart as if he had been hurt. He then swooned and ‘collapsed’ upon his bed. Logan laughed and then shifted to hover over him. 

 “Let’s keep this between us… just until after the play… Virgil has been trying to get me to tell you forever and I really do not need to deal with any I told you so’s… and maybe, I also would not mind keeping you to myself for a little bit longer.”

 Nate snorted. “Oh. You can always have me to yourself. I don’t mind picking Janus up by the collar and tossing him out if need be… uh, but maybe don’t quote me on that. Still, keeping up a ruse sounds fun. I’m in.”

 Logan smiled down at him and Nate brought a hand up to frame his face, guiding him down to kiss him.

 If they got lost in the kisses and each other, neither minded in the slightest.

-----------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Thomas Sanders or Joan, nor the rest of their group. I do not own or make money off of these characters. I only own the story as it is written.

Super uber thanks to my beta reader for this fic @superweebside​ and the two that preread my stuff to make sure its up to par: @romantichopelessly & @sunshineandteddybears.

[frogeye-pierce]

Okay, crazy question but coming from your tags on that music post: what songs and/or types of music do you think the characters would go for if they were exposed to the music of our times?

Oh what a good question!! I’ll try my best to answer but to be honest with you I don't really listen to any current music haha. My answers will probably be limited by that but maybe you can help if you know more current artists!

Hawkeye- I want to say The Smiths so bad but a lot of the songs Hawkeye quotes are show tunes. I could see him being someone who listens to musical theater soundtracks like Rent, Hamilton, (or other popular progressive ones idk). Then on his sad days I could see him getting really emotional over really obscure indie music.

B.J.- Outwardly he’d want everyone to think his music tastes were like your typical dad classic rock or something (standard stuff, nothing too adventurous or outside of the Spotify top five for each artist). BUT deep down he’d have a secret love for artists like Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, Rhianna, Katy Perry, etc. (I don't really know these artists that well but think pop lady singers) 

Margaret- Angry girl punk. Cranberries. Joan Jett. Patti Smith. Songs to listen to when you're kicking a door down, or a man out. I’d like to think she’d use this kind of music to connect with her emotions! I can picture Margaret angry dancing around with her whip singing her heart out to Suzi Quattro or something. 

Potter- All the songs on my playlist that are associated with Potter are pretty much old country songs, Doris Day, and WW1 army songs. He’s a tough one because I don't think he’d like modern country music at all. It’s possible he could like Johnny Cash because he has an old country sound, and the occasional patriotic song thrown in there. (Johnny Cash also has songs with pretty radical ideas and I’d like to think Potter would enjoy that on some level) 

Klinger- Anything loud and/or theatrical!! I have a lot of thoughts on the songs they make Klinger quote on the show but I don't want to get into that for this question hah. I want to think he’d love current powerful women artists like Lady Gaga, Adele, and Lizzo. Maybe he’d also love classic artists like Prince, Queen, and David Bowie you know? Its all about the self-love, individuality, and STYLE. 

Radar- Kidz Bop?? ok just kidding. But all the songs I've found associated with Radar are used to call attention to his youth. He got really into being a DJ in “Your Hit Parade” but I almost think he’d be someone who didn't really *get* music you know? Maybe The Beatles just because they are popular and seemingly wholesome. 

Trapper- You know what? I’m going to say metal. Trapper has a penchant for quoting Frank Sinatra in the show but he’s a little devious and I feel like he’d identify with the rage. 

Charles- I don't think modern times could make Charles ditch his love for classical music. And that’s ok! Even though he likes classical music I like to picture him enjoying live music festivals or something. Probably alone since he doesn't want that kind of reputation. (sometimes people can be pretty snobby about live music so maybe that's where I get this from)

Frank- Trap because he desperately wants to be cool. And he’d say all the bad words while singing along (which is bad in itself). Also, maybe the national anthem but like unironically. Oh and he’d totally own a Nickelback CD.

Father Mulcahy- Most of his songs/quotes in the show are religious ones. Despite this, there are times when he mixes it up like in “Your Hit Parade” when he said he requested “Tico Tico” and Radar played “May God Bless and Keep You” instead. He probably would have the best music taste of them all but everyone would assume he only listened to like hymns or something. I could also see him being really “woke” with his music and liking classic revolution/rebellion songs by artists like Bob Dylan, Marvin Gaye, Pete Seeger, Tracy Chapman, etc. 

Haha hope that sort of answered your question! This is just my initial opinions based on what I know from my obsessive documentation of the music used in M*A*S*H. Feel free to add anyone!

[tothestanders]

Trading Places

Summary:

"Why’d you harass me about wanting to play video games instead of talking to my friend? You don’t care about that sort of thing.”

Remus’s grin widened.

“Now Thomas, maybe Remus is turning over a new leaf. In that case, we should celebrate! How about we throw a bunch of Babybel cheese at people’s cars so the wax stains them red in pretty polka dots!

”Thomas stared at Patton. “…That’s vandalism. You want me to vandalize people’s cars?"

Or, Patton and Remus swap roles. It goes about as well as you’d expect.

Warnings: canon-typical Remus language

Read on AO3 here

Thomas’s back ached from being hunched over so long, fingers half numb from hours of button pressing. Thomas hardly noticed. He was only one level away from meeting the final Boss. Weeks of gameplay had been leading up to this moment. All the lost sleep and forgotten meals were about to pay off in the greatest, grandest, most magnificent battle of all time –

Something ringing cut through Thomas’s laser focus, jolting him back to the real world. He frantically groped for the ‘pause’ button before tearing his eyes away to read the caller ID on his phone. A friend from community theater. Thomas was disappointed for a moment that it wasn’t just ignorable spam, then immediately felt guilty. He quickly accepted the call.

“Hey man, what’s up?” he spoke into the phone. “Oh! Free to talk right now?” Thomas glanced longingly at the paused video game. “Um, well…”

“Are you really gonna hang up on your friend for a video game? Wow, Thomas, I didn’t realize you were even more evil than I am.”

Thomas nearly threw his phone in surprise. Next to him on the sofa suddenly sat the Duke, his face shifting between maudlin disappointment and a suppressed grin.

“What the heck, man! Why you gotta pop up in my blind spot like that?” Thomas yelled, putting the phone on mute while noises of confusion came through the speaker.

“Why you gotta be a shitty friend?” Remus replied without missing a beat. “What if they’re in crisis? What if their family just disowned them? What if they lost their job and can’t afford rent or food and have nowhere to go and you were their last option for help and now they’re going to spend the night on the streets and get mugged and then murdered and so eviscerated that they won’t be able to identify the body and he’ll be tossed into a mass grave where he’ll get devoured by worms at age thirty…”

“Oh my God, stop!” Thomas tried to command, to no avail.

“…and then he’ll turn into a zombie with his mind trapped in his rotting brain and forced to watch as his body kills people…”

“I hope your friend is doing all right!” Thomas whirled around to see Patton sitting on his other side, expression sympathetic. He didn’t seem to notice that Remus was there or still talking. Or maybe he was just ignoring him.

“Oh, thank God, Patton. Do you think it’s okay for me to play my video game instead of talking? I’m just so close to the boss battle and I really wanna finish it.”

“Well, I think your pal sounded fine, but better safe than sorry. How about you can finish your game, but first we say something to cheer him up just in case?”

“…and once all his loved ones have been eaten alive his zombie brain will come back to life and have to live with the horror of what he’s done…”

Desperate to get the Duke’s morbid monologue to stop, Thomas rushed to agree. “Yeah, sure. Any ideas?”

“Oh, you know I’ve always got something up my sleeve. A dad joke is never a bad joke!” He paused a second to think. “What has two butts and kills people? An assassin!”

Without a second thought, Thomas lifted the phone back to his face, unmuted it, and repeated the joke. He snorted at his own punchline, mentally congratulating himself on the pun. Then realization set in. Patton seemed to have the same realization, judging by the look of self-directed horror on his face.

The sound of laughter came through the phone. “Sorry, that was kind of a silly one. But glad you liked it,” Thomas said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Listen, I was kinda in the middle of something when you called, but I’d love to catch up later tonight if that works for you?” His friend assured him it was no problem, and after setting up a time to chat later, they hung up.

“What the heck was that?” Thomas said.

“Great teamwork!” Remus chimed, raising a hand to high-five Patton across Thomas’s body. Patton eyed it nervously, then lightly tapped the palm. Then not so subtly wiped his hand on his pants.

“Sorry, kiddo. I didn’t mean to use potty language,” Patton said, shaking his head. “A dad’s gotta set a good example for his kids! Not my best work, huh?”

“Yeah, that was weird,” Thomas said. “But mostly I meant Remus. Why’d you harass me about wanting to play video games instead of talking to my friend? You don’t care about that sort of thing.”

Remus’s grin widened.

“Now Thomas, maybe Remus is turning over a new leaf. In that case, we should celebrate! How about we throw a bunch of Babybel cheese at people’s cars so the wax stains them red in pretty polka dots!”

Thomas stared at Patton. “…That’s vandalism. You want me to vandalize people’s cars? And wouldn’t that probably make dents and break the windows?”

Patton’s face fell into a look of consternation. “Oh, yes, sorry. That would be very inconsiderate. Definitely don’t do that, Thomas. Okay, instead, we can celebrate with food! I think we’ve got eggs, pickles, maple syrup, and coffee in the kitchen. Sounds like the ingredients for a yummy soup.”

“Soup?” Thomas repeated in disbelief.

Patton tilted his head. “Yeah, soup. You know, a liquid you can eat! We could add cinnamon too if you want.”

“I love it, Patton! Look who’s finally not being such a fuddy-daddy,” Remus said, drumming his fingers against his cheek.

Thomas looked rapidly between the two of them. “Okay, is someone going to explain what’s going on here or am I just gonna stay confused?”

“You could’ve skipped all the confusion in the first place if you’d just listened to me earlier. I knew you liked boys by age 6!” Remus answered, and Thomas groaned. But then the Duke let out a long, dramatic sigh and stood, spreading his arms wide. “All right, killjoy. I swapped us, of course!”

“What? You can’t do that!” Patton reprimanded. “You switch back with Thomas right now, mister! This is Thomas Sanders Sides, not Remus Sanders Sides.”

Remus blinked. “Uh, right. No. I swapped our roles, Patton.”

Patton’s eyes widened with realization. “Ohhh. Well that’s much better.” He nodded to himself. Then, “Hey! You switch us back right now, mister!”

“Oopsie doodles, no can doozies. This is way too much fun! Now, Thomas, about your content.” Remus turned to face Thomas, a manic gleam in his eyes. “You really love to coddle your viewers, huh? Do you think they can tell? Do you think they click on your channel and get whacked in the face with the patronizing ooey gooey BS you sprinkle over their dainty little heads? They’re probably devastated you don’t trust them to be able to handle anything more meaningful and substantial than the trite twaddle you call videos.”

Remus pushed up his cheeks with his fists, lower lip jutting out in an exaggerated pout. “Aw, poor babies. Their favorite Youtube star thinks nothing of them. That’s gotta cut like a machete to the heart.”

“Okay! Got it,” Thomas said. “So what I’m hearing is you’re my morality now?” Horror rose in his throat. “And Patton is my bad creativity?” Remus nodded excitedly. Patton looked nauseous. “Why would you do that?” Thomas asked, desperate.

“Oh, it’s simple. Dear Virgie didn’t like the bloody death threat I left on his wall earlier. Talk about not being able to take a joke, amirite?” Patton grimaced at that idea of a ‘joke.’ “Anyway, then he went off about how I’ll” – Remus adopted a mocking, bored tone to accompany his air quotes – “‘never be an important Side’ because I ‘don’t know the difference between right and wrong.’ Blah, blah, blah. But that was just too good of a challenge to pass up!”

“Too good of a challenge…so you’re trying to prove Virgil wrong? By being my morality? ” Thomas clarified in dismay.

“Yep! And proving that I could gain a whole lotta influence real quick if I wanted. Good little Thomas would never repress his moral drive.” Remus smiled sweetly at him.

“Sure, okay. This is not happening.” Thomas turned to Patton. “You’re my real morality. Can’t you, like, take your job back? Please?”

“Afraid not,” the Duke answered for him in a voice dripping with fake sympathy. “Where do you think your Sides comes from, Thomas? We’re figments of your imagination, after all.”

Thomas rested his face in his hand, exhausted by the whole situation. “I’m not following.”

“It’s easy. Imagination is part of creativity.” He did a mirror of Roman’s typical arm flourish at the mention of his function. “Therefore, your creativity created your Sides and is the only thing that can change them as it pleases. As I please.”

“Hold on, does that mean you and Roman are, like, literally everyone else’s dads?” Thomas asked.

“Hey now, kiddo. Don’t go stealing my kids out from under me,” Patton said, pointing a stern finger.

“Don’t worry, I’m a deadbeat dad!” Remus replied. Then his expression turned thoughtful. It was the most terrifying thing Thomas had ever seen. “Huh, isn’t it interesting that we’re figments of your imagination but also kinda not? I mean, we’ve got thoughts and feelings of our own. Yet our whole existence revolves around you.” Thomas braced, not sure where this was going but sure it wasn’t anywhere good. “You call all the shots about what we do, and if one of us wants to do something? Well, better pimp yourself out to get on the Big Daddy’s good side –”

“What?!”

“– and hope he graciously agrees. No autonomy for us. Just wasting away in your brain while you fuck around with the body. Male privilege? Please, let’s talk corporeal privilege, Thomas.”

Remus’s tone stayed casual, gaze idly wandering as he thought aloud. But the wave of guilt that came with his words was enough to nearly knock Thomas over, and made his eyes sting with tears. The Duke actually had a point. Was Thomas a terrible person? Oh, God. Was he abusing his Sides?

“Okay, kiddo.” Patton said, holding out his hands in a pacifying gesture. “That’s some pretty heavy stuff. Let’s not get carried away, all right? Don’t worry Thomas, we love being part of your amazing head!”

“Did someone say amazing head? I was wondering when you’d ask –”

Thomas closed his eyes. He could not deal with this. His Morality was suggesting crime, his Bad Creativity was giving him intrusive guilt, except all that was actually the other way around, now. Too much chaos, too many moral crises jam packed into ten minutes, too much Remus. Frankly, at this point he was just surprised Virgil hadn’t popped up to yell at him yet. Thomas was considering just getting up and walking away, irrationally hoping that no one would follow, when he remembered something.

“Wait a second. You said only Creativity could switch you guys back, right?”

“Yeppers! And don’t bother calling Roman, he’s still black and blue from reading Youtube comments earlier,” Remus replied cheerfully. Thomas made a mental note to check on Roman once all this was done.

“But you switched roles with Patton,” he continued, frown sliding into a sly smile. “Which means that Patton is now my Creativity – well, part of it, anyway. Which means he can switch you back!” Thomas turned eagerly to his father figure figment.

“Ah, I’m not so sure about that, kiddo.” Patton’s eyes were wide as saucers. “What if tapping into a” – his voice fell to a whisper – “dark power turns me evil. Like Ursula from A Little Mermaid.”

“Is that Ursula’s backstory?” Thomas asked curiously.

“No, actually! The real one is much better,” Remus said. “She almost got burned alive when her village figured out she was part octopus. Good thing her dear brother rescued her. Oh, except he thought she was a monster too, so he banished her to the cesspit of the sea.” Remus’s enthusiastic tone only made his darkened expression the more unnerving.

Thomas shifted uneasily. Once again, he was reminded just how much he didn’t know about what went on in his own head. But then again, Remus had told him, hadn’t he?

The unloved brother from the Genesis.

He began to spiral back down Remus’s guilt trip about responsibility to his Sides. Thankfully his thoughts were interrupted by Patton. “Aw, poor thing! People can be meaner than a bully burning a baby bunny in a Satanic ritual.” What? “Uh, I mean! A stuffed bunny. Anyway, I hope Ursula is okay now.”

“Nope, she died,” Remus informed him. Patton’s lip started to wobble.

“So that’s good news!” Thomas butted in before things could get any more derailed. He’d have time later to worry about sibling rivalry and possible injustice among figments of his imagination. “I mean, Ursula didn’t turn evil from using dark magic. So Patton has nothing to worry about. I’m sure everything will be fine.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please, I need my good old morality back. No one else can beat the top pop.” Thomas smiled at the giggle that got.

“Oh, all right. I’ll give it the old college try.”

Thomas sighed in relief and watched as Patton squeezed his eyes and fists tight, brow furrowing in intense concentration. A moment later he cracked an eye open. “Did it work?”

“I don’t know, tell a joke!” Thomas urged.

“Um…oh! Why can’t a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it’d be a foot!”

Thomas groaned, but he was smiling. Finally, his Sides were back to normal.

“Or my dick!” Remus chirped.

Yeah, normal. The thought was far fonder than it had any right to be.

“See, Patton? There was nothing to worry about. No spooky magical corruption – hey what’s up with your logo?” Thomas pointed at the heart on Patton’s shirt. It had turned upside down, its shape now looking a lot like…well.

Remus gasped in delight. “Awesome! Taking style inspiration from your favorite Creativity, I see.”

“You’re not my favorite Creativity,” Patton said, and Thomas couldn’t help his flinch. But then, “I can’t play favorites with my kids! You’re all perfect just the way you are.”

The side-eye Remus gave Patton was truly impressive. “Perfect, huh? Even when I do this?” Suddenly he was holding what looked kinda like a bouquet of pale, bloody flowers. Then Thomas spotted the fingernails. He watched as the entire handful of severed fingers slid down Remus’s throat and disappeared with a loud slurp.

“Of course!” Patton replied, seemingly unfazed. “No matter what you do, you’re still famILY.”

Okay, that was weird. Patton, not bothered by that sickening gesture? But wait a second – was it sickening? Strangely enough, Thomas found he wasn’t all that bothered by it either. Like some of his aversion to Remus had faded.

The suspicious look didn’t leave Remus’s face, but something about him seemed…calmer, than it had a minute ago. Softer.

Patton looked back at his shirt with a puzzled expression. “That’s funny, I could’ve sworn the heart was right-side up. Maybe I need new glasses!”

“I wouldn’t call that a heart anymore. It’s totally a pair of dingle-dangles.”

“A what?” Thomas said, unable to believe the Duke had actually used a euphemism. And a downright cutesy one, at that. His gaze fell to Remus’s belt.

“My eyes are up here, you saucy minx. And here,” Remus added, pointing to the eyeball on his shoulder.

“No, look,” Thomas said, pointing to the logo on the belt buckle. The crescent moon at the top seemed to have morphed into a smiley face.

Thomas head swiveled between the smiley face and the – uh, inverted heart – several times. He thought back to what Patton had been worried about. Lasting effects of the role reversal. Oh no.

Patton and Remus, both still engrossed by their changed logos, seemed to have the same thought. In voices heavy with resignation, all three of them spoke at the same time.

“Aw, butts.”

[stonerbughead]

maria watches friday night lights (#4)

season 2, pt 2!! (2x08-2x15)

ugh Matt is really having his Being A Stupid Teenage Boy season huh?

-lol love a good naked dude being chased scene — in this case, Smash on his recruiting trip being chased around by a potential future teammate. Classic.

(it’s kinda cute that Matt came to pick him up tho)

- the latest in season 2 being off the fucking rails: really? Riggins’ new digs include a meth lab on wheels??

-Landry confessing to murdering someone and then having his sheriff dad drag him out of the station to go home is the whitest shit EVER. Like, Landry is literally *trying* to be punished and they just won’t punish his white, cop-kid ass. ‘Murica. (I mean don’t get me wrong: it WAS self defense against someone literally stalking and trying to rape Tyra, but the point still stands that if Landry was a black kid he’d have been tried as an adult and convicted no doubt)

-YESSSSS a MySpace shoutout! we love to see it

“I hate you” - Santiago (and also me) @ Buddy Garrity

-omg Coach Taylor noticing that things aren’t good at home for Riggins and taking him in, my heart!

-Wow in just one scene Riggins charmed baby Grace, warned Tami’s sister not to shame women for eating a lot (“it can lead to anorexia, especially in girls”) and then offered to go out to the store to get baby formula in the pouring rain. What a man.

-and yes, Shelly, you fully grown woman, it IS a bad idea to lust after a TEENAGE BOY

-wow Riggins protecting Julie from the SUPER DRAMATIC TORNADO that made me laugh. Do we get to have a Riggins-Julie friendship??? bc I’d be down. We need more friendships.

-Thank you, Tami, saying “EW” to her sister watching Riggins work out! Someone has sense to know a fully grown woman shouldn’t be lusting after a teenager! Julie can lust if she wants tho, that’s age appropriate.

-DYING at Landry being aghast that Tyra’s never heard of West Side Story.

-oh god, Lyla — it is totally fair to assume your mom would tell your dad she’s getting remarried, especially if she knew you’d be seeing him — so I’m sorry you’re the one who accidentally set off whatever nonsense Buddy is gonna pull now that he knows his ex wife is “marrying that treehugger.”

“Who’s that?” “Some douchebag named Chip. who names their kid Chip anyway?” Same, Tyra, same.

-Landry, one of my biggest pet peeves is asking someone out while they’re on the clock. Like, come on! let Tyra work, boy.

-Jesus Christ it’s like everywhere Julie looks, she has to see Matt making out with someone. That’s rough.

-and oop Matt you busted bc Julie actually knows who Carlotta is!

-once a cheater, always a cheater, Buddy. And yes to Pam for being like “nah bye I’m happy now, it is over.” You treated her like garbage so here we are, sir!

-hilarious that Landry is the one who ends up throwing the first punch that gets the post-tornado, school-crossover tensions to finally boil over

-I like that they show both the fall formal and the party where everyone who didn’t go to the formal is. Nice.

-Aw poor Julie got drunk af to deal with all her feelings. This really is the season where they have Julie and Matt being sixteen year olds in the most painful ways. So maybe it’s good they’re not together during this tho I’m still looking forward to when the tide turns their way again.

-anyway, Tim is a good friend for getting the creep who thought he was “one beer away from getting laid” off of Julie.

-And....in true Texas dad fashion, Eric Taylor misinterprets everything! Noooo. We can’t have nice things.

-This Noelle-Smash partnership is definitely an interesting pairing. Two very ambitious football people courting all these recruiters while Smash’s mom side eyes them in the corner? Hilarious.

-omg not this Oklahoma tech recruiter harassing smash’s mom in the grocery store! GTFO here! Give her some fucking personal space. They really do such a good job of showing as much of the toxic shit about football culture as the inspiring, big moments.

-Aw and I love that Tami tried to help Mama Smash get the guy to go away. It’s such a familiar scene, women helping each other get a dude harassing them away. And then they have a heart to heart in the parking lot? Love that.

-omg what a throwback that Shelly TAPED OVER Eric’s football game to tape a NEW EPISODE of The Office! Love it. “Y’all should get a TiVo.”

-omg watching Tami and Eric work out arguments is so beautiful, they communicate very well! We stan a good marriage.

-wow seeing the other coach from tornado school lose his shit publicly after he knocked down Riggins was uh....wild???? This is the second time he put his hands on Riggins!

-awww Eric actually coming to apologize to riggins for overreacting about Julie when he hears the real story??? Love it.

-Weevil from Veronica Mars shows up as a friend of Santiago’s? Of course.

-WOW and Logan from Gilmore girls as a Christian radio host...tracks.

“Is that your way of telling her you like her?” Jason making a surprisingly astute observation about Tim. (And Lyla.)

-yo why would you invite your daughter’s boyfriend’s family over for dinner just to say they shouldn’t date? (And bc it’s an interracial relationship.) Southern culture is wild to me lol

-wow the racist coach from last season is now off spouting his mouth about how “no wife of mine would be working with a kid at home.” I love that Eric calls him out as sounding stupid and ignorant — you better!

-hearing that Lyla burned her cheerleading uniform is one of the most badass things she’s done so far tbh along with that dealership destruction

-off the rails update: 2x12 was toooo much!! Like, Jesus between Smash’s sister getting harassed at the movie theater by the racists who hate on smash and Noelle...and this plotline with Santiago and his old friends trashing Buddy’s place...it’s like, can we breathe.

-I could not be more excited for Carlotta to leave and another teenage boy with adult woman relationship to end.

-wow can’t believe the plotline where Riggins stole $3000 from a drug dealer isn’t ending well for him. And now Smash is getting arrested bc of those racist guys from the movie theater episode? One recap I read said that too many of this season’s plots feel contrived and I think that sums it up.

-is there any character who HASN’T worked at Buddy Garrity’s dealership at this point?!

-and yikes at all the other salespeople being mad that a salesperson in a wheelchair was hired...y’all mad ugly and ableist for that

-Tyra and Landry are....confusing

-Wait Logan from GG is an actual preacher and not just a Christian radio host? CREEPY. And he kissed Lyla? A lot to unpack there.

-lol Tim trying to woo Lyla is kinda funny to watch simply bc Tim is clearly so confounded by rejection

-I love how much space they give for Smash’s sister’s pain in the Noelle-Smash theater incident. A lesser show wouldn’t have centered her as much.

-is it mean of me to say Jason is boring AF most of the time

-yeah this dreads girl is seemingly way more compatible with Landry than Tyra yikes! Like she made him a power metal mix cd???

-wow this Smash storyline where mouthing off to the press is what gets him suspended....really checks out bc teenage boys are dumb

-I love Tami as a volleyball coach and getting to see another sport! Also as someone who’s been on a losing team I know that feeling of finally winning a game!!! Go Dillon volleyball!!! (Am I maybe currently writing a Bughead fic based on my underdog field hockey experiences? ;) yes yes I am)

-Oh shit now Saracen’s at the nihilistic Nothing Matters phase of teenage angst. Right on schedule!

-lol these two short haired blondes (white dreads Jean and Tyra) being in a love triangle with Landry is wild

-Omg jean just said, “are you a friend or are you competition?” She is not playing!

-I love Riggins dragging Saracen to practice

“I don’t want you to become at an at-risk youth” -Landry teasing Saracen while also sincerely caring about him is some of the best friendship banter on this show. The accuracy 😂

-It seems like Julie gets a lot of hate? But I think I have such a soft spot for Julie bc I was a bitchy teenager with undiagnosed mental health disorders and I just wish so much #growth for her! Also I really do miss her and Saracen’s relationship, I’m so excited I’m almost at S3 where it seems like it’s happening again?

-LOL this guy at the dmv is the first person in Dillon to be like, “no I hate football.” That tracks.

-wow Saracen is getting driven to the hospital to make sure his grandma is okay by the sex worker who was just giving him a lap dance. Amazing.

-also I hope grandma is okay!

-okay Tyra throwing her hat in the ring for Landry at the last minute? Idk I think Jean deserves the win but there’s no way it’ll happen bc she’s a guest actor?!

-awww Saracen’s abandonment issues coming out whiles he in the tub after being sobered up by Eric Taylor. “There’s nothing wrong with you.” 😭 and “your daughter left me for a better guy” - will take that crumb — first mention of Julie out of Saracen’s mouth in a minute

-hey, Landry, my friend: flirting with a girl (Jean) to get her outside then dumping her immediately is kind of a wild bait and switch. But I get it, he’s been in love with Tyra for a long time and Tyra IS right — they had a very fucked up start to their relationship so it makes sense she needed a minute to process her ~feelings~. however I definitely identified closer to a jean in my high school experience L O L (minus the unacceptable white dreads)

-these Julie and Tami driving scenes are painfully accurate, btw. Love them.

-wow the scene of Smash hyping everyone up, the adrenaline/energy of the team cheering with helmets and a classic “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” - then the whole team running out onto the field and leaving an empty locker room with just Smash breaking down into tears....#art

-alright y’all I’m gearing up for the last episode of S2! Thanks to @lockitin for reminding me this is the writers’ strike season — I was in eighth grade then and remember being pissedddd about the shortened fourth season of “the office” — so I’m fully prepared for the abruptness to come.

-I love when they parallel showing the white church and the black church

-and Tim going to church just to see Lyla makes me laugh

-ooooof Jason you cannot put on this waitress you had a one night stand with the fact that this could be your only chance to have a baby!!! Omg this poor woman who just pointed out she, too, is NINETEEN.

-wait so is Riggins doing a sports show on a Christian radio station? What?

“I think you’re really hot. Your long hair reminds me of Jesus” -Christian girls being horny for Riggins LOL

-awww Saracen being like “okay Landry you’re gonna impress Tyra right now” before that football play was a cute friendship moment for those two

-aww I love how this Smash storyline is turning out with Coach Deeks whose had his eye on him for six years my heart 😭

-also unclear to me whether Logan Huntzberger the Preacher is a fully grown adult dating a high school senior?? Biggest teen drama pet peeve once again! Stop this!

-Tami is my heroine for just leaving Eric at the restaurant fighting with her ex. “see you at home, honey!”

-I’m sorry, is Jason gonna like actually convince this girl to have a baby with her one night stand at 19??? Oh lol wait THAT ended up being the cliffhanger of the whole season? Fucking hilarious.

well I made it through season 2!!! Super psyched for Season 3, Jay has been hyping me up for it. See y’all next time! (I’ll try to post more for season 3 bc this accidentally got long af.)

[aerois]

Quarantine tag game, tagged by @ribbonreverse . Thanks for the tag! 😁

1. Are you staying home from work/school?

Yep! I’m a grad student in my last semester and we shut down the university, and I have no job so there’s nowhere else for me to go. Technically I graduate in 2 weeks though, and it would be great to get a job even though I’m terrified for my life.

2. Who is at home with you?

I live in an apartment with my twin sister and 2 roommates, but they kept inviting people over literally every day. So we just packed up some clothes and went back to our mom and dad’s house. Now it’s the 4 of us, and I love my parents but they do drive me a little crazy lol

3. Are you a homebody?

Oh hell yeah! Don’t get me wrong this whole thing sucks, but for me it’s kinda like a vacation. Originally I thought I was gonna jump right from school to my career and I was a little bummed I wouldn’t get any break, but now I’m forced to take one. I have mixed feelings I guess, but as a natural homebody I’m not wilting away just because I have to stay inside.

4. Any event you were looking forward to that got canceled?

Uh yeah, my graduation! 😭 I didn’t walk when I graduated undergrad because I knew I was going to grad school and and I didn’t wanna sit through 2! NOW I DON’T GET ANY! 😭 This is the part that has me kind of depressed. I wanted my parents to see me walk and be proud of me. I used to even fantasize that my oldest sister (mom had to give her up for adoption but we reconnected) would surprise me and show up. And that my dad would give me a bouquet of roses just like he did at my first ballet recital as a kid. That I would be surrounded by my friends and they would cheer as I walked. But it turns out none of that would happen. Even if there were no quarantine. I invited my sister months ago and she said she wouldn’t be able to come. My brother and his wife just had a new baby so they wouldn’t be able to come. My friends care about me I’m sure, but they all graduated earlier than me and I think the whole thing has lost it’s appeal to them. Plus, they are busy. Everyone is busy, even the people I love most. I understand. But it still makes me really sad. So maybe it’s better that graduation got canceled. I don’t think I would be happy with it anyway.

5. What movies have you been watching recently?

I’m not really a movie person, actually! Well, I like them, but usually if I watch a movie it’s at the theater, or a night hanging with friends. I prefer tv shows and books.

6. What are you doing for self-care?

Same stuff I do normally, just more of it I guess? I bake sometimes. Read lots of fanfic. Play some video games. It’s funny: as counselors, we stress the hell out of self-care. But it’s hard for me to identify what self-care is for me. Oh, I know! I wrote something for the first time in ages! I’m writing a short little Harvest Moon fic. Lol I thought I would have it done by Easter but I’m procrastinating on the last part. I wonder why even the things I love feel like a chore...

7. What shows are you watching?

Well recently we (Mom and sis and I) marathonned this Anne of Green Gables remake series. I have my share of thoughts on it but that’s another story if anyone’s curious. Finally started watching The Office, don’t really get the hype. I mean, it’s okay? It can be pretty funny. Jim and Pam are kind of cute, but man that shit is way overhyped. The couple and the show. But the cast all play off each other pretty well. I think I’m on Season 4?

8. What music have you been listening to?

The usual. Typical weeb shit from anime I liked as a teen, Vocaloid, 90’s hits, Top 40, a little bit of EDM,and OST’s from K-dramas lol

Spacing got kinda weird in the middle there, but this was so much fun! Thanks for giving me the chance to word vomit my feelings lol. I now tag @soryualeksi @holycowharvestmoon @gabbslemons @wannabe-everythings @harley-jaymes and anyone else who wants to try!

[thepatricktreestump]

pride month asks!

some questions and answers about my experience with LGBTQ+

1.       What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? 

I identify as bisexual and genderfluid, so my pronouns regularly change from she/her to he/him.

2.      How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

I have always been a huge ally to the LGBTQ+ community, but one day I was stepping out of the shower, and kind of thinking to myself what the difference between having sex with a guy and having sex with a girl was. After contemplation, I thought to myself that they really weren’t all that different to me, and I’d probably enjoy having sex with a girl just as much as having sex with a guy. I researched online a little bit, and I figured out that yeah, I’m probably bi. Especially after I fell in love with both Brendon Urie and his wife Sarah, I was pretty damn sure I was bi.

3.      Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Sometimes I do, but it honestly doesn’t bother me too much because I come from a very conservative, religious, small town background. I grew up in a private Catholic school where everyone is Republican and nobody even knows what being gay is, much less a different gender. So I’m kind of used to putting up a façade for others. As I graduated and moved away from my hometown, things have been much better, and by politely correcting others, I’m able to be confident in who I am as well as educate the people around me.

4.      Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

Oh god, haha. I distinctly remember that night when I knew I was going to tell my best friend I was genderfluid. I was so nervous and scared, I just sort of blurted it out over text, in all caps, like “I’M GENDERFLUID” and then I kind of panicked, so I proceeded to send her about a hundred Hamilton gifs to cover up what I had typed out and sent. Although it was awkward in the moment, we both laugh about it to this day, and she’s been so accepting and kind to me ever since that moment.

5.      Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

For my friends, it was a lot of anxiety and doubt. For my parents, fear and chaos. My friends didn’t understand, they thought it was a disease of some sort, and actually a lot of them stopped talking to me. Again, conservative religious background, but still, no excuse. I grew up in a very abusive household, and it wasn’t my choice to come out. My therapist had forced me to tell my parents in a session and it was an absolute mess. Coming out wasn’t the best experience, especially as a freshman in high school.

6.      If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

I kind of explained above, but basically not so well. My dad went absolutely off on me, and said some of the most horrible things I have ever been told in my life. He said that I was dragging everyone I knew towards hell, that what I was is unmoral, unnatural, and unnormal, acted like I was some sort of monster, said it was extremely difficult to even be related to me, and that I was corrupting his family and disrespecting his household. It was a miserable time for me, but through music, I was able to write a song about it that helped me cope.

7.      What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

A lot of people assume that because I’m bisexual, I’m some sort of fetish they can use to fulfill their dirty fantasies. I’m always asked to be a part of a couple’s threesome. I am told that the only reason I’m bi is because I want double the opportunities to have sex. It’s ridiculous and disgusting. I’m bi because I like people. Not because I like sex.

8.     Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

I really fucking love beanies! Most of the time I read that’s the essential clothing item for all genderfluid people, which makes me laugh, because it’s true. Combat boots or converse, black jeans, a band t-shirt, a sports bra or binder, a jean jacket, and a beanie is always my go-to outfit. So much so, to the point my sister told me that every time I go out in public I’m always wearing the same thing, which kind of makes me laugh.

9.      Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I don’t know if you’ve ever read the magna, Tamen de Gushi, but I absolutely love it! That lesbian couple is everything! I also really love Shane Dawson and Ryland Adams, of course. Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine Nine and his husband is amazing. Elijah Daniels and Sam also make me super fucking happy.

10.  What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

Growing up as a theater kid, I’ve always seen makeup as accentuated and over the top. I only ever wore makeup on stage, and even then, it was special effects type stuff, zombies and clowns and shit. Once I hit puberty though, my mom would force me to wear makeup because she said it would make me beautiful. I hated it. She would force me to put on makeup before I left the door and it made me have horrible self image issues. As I grew older, I found a love for makeup through beauty gurus and drag queens, and I sometimes dabble in it either for fun or for special events like prom or fancy dinners. I always prefer no makeup though, I feel like to me, wearing it is just hiding behind a mask.

11.   Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

ALL THE GODDAMN FUCKING TIME. Since I’ve gotten my haircut, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Wearing a binder also helps so much! However, I still really want to start T and I think that will help a lot. Dysphoria affects me in so many ways, whether my self confidence or my body image, my anxiety and my mood, etc., a lot of it depends on how comfortable I am in my own skin.

12.  What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Homophobic people are probably the stupidest people I’ve ever met in my life, to be honest. I’ve heard thousands of dumb things come from their mouths. I think the most outrageous myth I’ve heard is probably that being gay is a disease, and that simply being around another gay person will make you gay. Like who the fuck comes up with this shit? Smh.

13.  What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

How creative we are. We’re resilient and outspoken and passionate, but most of all, so talented. The queer community is full of inventors, politicians, emperors, artists, directors, actors, musicians, and more. It’s gorgeous just how much we are capable of.

14.  What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

The discrimination breaks my heart. The fact that we are terrified to so much as hold hands with the one we love in public. To be beaten, tortured, and killed simply for who we are. That is what hurts me the most.

15.  Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

No, I find it sort of ironic every time there is a pride event I happen to have a concert on that day. Once, a Panic! concert, which honestly is sort of the equivalent of Pride. We went and there were so many LGTBQ+ flags and people and it was so gorgeous. I have attended pride prom once though, and it was probably the most fun I had ever had in a really long time.

16.  Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I absolutely adore Miles McKenna. He has helped me so much in finding myself and accepting who I am. He’s such a huge spokesperson for the community and I am so grateful to have him in my life.

17.   Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

I’ve been in several relationships, surprisingly, through parties and discussions and friends. My s.o. right now I met through high school, which was crazy in itself, but we’ve been dating for almost two years now and I love them to death.

18.  What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

Beautiful Music for Ugly Children is one of my favorite books ever and it’s about being FTM trans and I love it so much wow.

19.  Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

So very much. After coming out to one of my best friends, she stared at me, disgusted and went “well don’t try to have sex with me or anything” and then proceeded to never talk to me again. I’ve received dirty looks and glares, been misgendered on purpose, and even received death threats. It’s horrible.

20. Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

I love American Horror Story so much because of just how much representation it gives our community and how natural they make it seem! And of course, “Love, Simon” was an amazing movie that made me cry like a baby.

21.  Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

I don’t really know about bloggers, but definitely Youtubers! Shane Dawson, Miles Chronicles, Thomas Sanders, Ally Hills, Anthony Amorim, Elijah Daniels, Elle Mills, Garrett Watts, Sam Collins, Todrick Hall, and Trevor Moran are a couple of my favorites.

22. Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I don’t think queer should be a slur. I think queer is a form of self expression and an umbrella term for the community, and I believe many other LGBTQ+ members agree. It’s a word that we take great pride in rather than shame or discrimination.

23. Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but god I would love to.

24. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

For me, it’s simply just a part of who I am. Just like the weather, my gender simply changes and I adapt to it. It makes me comfortable in my own skin and proud of who I am. I wouldn’t change being genderfluid for the world.

25. Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I fucking hate the idea of pushing a human being out of my vagina, and I would probably want anything else in the entire world other than giving birth. Being pregnant for nine months sounds absolutely miserable and dysphoric, and I cannot even imagine going through labor. However, I would like to have kids, just simply through foster care or adoption, never like my own biological children. There are more than enough kids who need good homes who already exist and I’m more than happy to give it to them.

26. What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You aren’t alone and there are so many people just like you. Your parents do not own you and cannot tell you who you are supposed to be. You are you.

27.  What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

Gender roles are complete bullshit. Let a guy be a stay at home dad. Let a woman be the working one. Everyone should have responsibilities regardless of their gender. If there’s dirty dishes, do the fucking dishes, don’t wait for your spouse to get home to do them. It’s absolutely ridiculous, really. Just do your part in the relationship.

28. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

It breaks my heart how much pain and suffering one has to go through just to be themselves, especially for women and trans people. It’s horrible.

29. What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

It’s natural! It’s comfortable! And it’s normal! Being oneself is just part of life, there’s no need to have shame or guilt about it. Respect someone the way you wish you would be accepted and loved.

30. Why are proud to be lgbt+?

We have worked so fucking hard to be recognized for who we are. There’s still so much we need to do though, and we aren’t ever going to stop until every single one of our siblings gain the love and respect they deserve.

[maybememoriesx]

Answer All the autumn asks

lantern - how did you meet your best friend? What were your first impressions of each other?

Aside from my husband I don't really have a best friend. So 🤷🏻

frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say?

Please don't let other people push you around, you can be fierce, you're allowed to have an opinion and feelings and you're allowed to voice them. Also, you know when things are wrong, listen to your gut feelings.

maple - is there a hobby / skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did?

Right now doing stained glass art looks really cool and I've wanted to try it on and off for years.

harvest - what fictional character do you most identify with? Why?

Honestly way too many to even remember. I usually find one with every show I really get into.

fireside - if you had your dream wardrobe, what would it look like?

More teeturle shirts, more comfy dresses that boost my confidence, more cute leggings.

cider - a food that you disliked as a child but now enjoy?

A lot, my parents aren't really exotic eaters. So as a kid never liked broccoli, basically and veggy really. I love veggies now as an adult.

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have.

Having animals is just like having kids.

fog - how well do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario?

Probably not well at all. I mean I'd probably get super defensive if someone I love or my pups were in danger but if it was just me.. I would freak out and probably trip and be killed.

jack-o-lantern - if you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose?

I'm good.

spice - have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted?

Yes. My house now!

orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn.

I'd love to have a cute little fall photo session with my pups. Like cute Halloween bandanas and pumpkins and stuff.

crow - which school subject do you wish you had an aptitude for?

Probably science or math. But I am happy I naturally got art and English.

bonfire - describe your dream house.

Big, colorful but dark, each room to have it's own design kind of. An art room for me. A game/office for my husband. Lots of room for my pups.

cinnamon - if you had to live in a time period different than the present, which would you choose and where?

Hmm. I have no clue honestly.

cobweb - (if you’ve graduated) do you miss high school?

Not really.

cranberry - what’s one physical feature that you get complimented on?

My hair a lot. Usually when the pretty dye has faded 🙄

maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street.

Oh geeze. I get a lot of "are you so and so because you look really really familiar" and some people don't believe me when I tell them I'm not?

quilt - how do you take your tea (or coffee)?

I like sweet tea with ice and warm tea with honey.

pumpkin - do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?

Honestly with how my family is I think it's just inherented.

moonlit - are you a neat or messy person? Is your room / house orderly?

In my mind I want to me clean and orderly. But we just have so much stuff and not enough space. Like we have one room and in the one room is stuff that would be spaced through a whole house if we had one.

flannel - have you ever gone on a bad date? 

I have. When I was younger I met a guy through a friend. But I met him online and we would talk on the phone. One day he asked if we could hang and go to the movies. So he go a ride to my house, where he met me for the first time and me being like 14. I'm shy af and awkward. My dad drops us off at the movies. I pay. And he basically ignores me and is on his phone the whole time, when I'm finally trying to talk to him. And when we got out of the movies he had someone pick him up from the theater. The next day he deleted me off myspace and told me not to call him anymore. When I asked the mutual friend what happened his reply was "I was just too quiet for him"... But I'm pretty sure he just thought I was ugly af in person.

It's been like 11 year's since then and I'll still see the guy once in a while and I always wonder if he remembers me.

cocoa - if you could have any type of hair, what colour and cut would you have?

We'll my hair will be purple tomorrow lol. The only thing I wish was when my side cut grew in, it grew down not up.

ghost - is there someone that you miss having in your life?

Of course.. I miss them every day..

[screamingintp]

more about my mc

this is a mess, please don’t read it unless you’re interested in what i come up with when i’m sleep deprived and creating my first rp character

https://character-resource.deviantart.com/art/Big-Ass-Character-Sheet-Updating-167182524 but i cut out a buncha shit

welcome to hell(or the place in which I can’t capitalize for shit and curse too much and am vague but that’s honestly my personality in general)

Full Name: Mark Knox

Meaning: Mark, derived from Martkos(Roman), related to the war god, Mars. Knox, derived from cnoc(Scottish), meaning hillock.

Origin: made it up on the spot because planning is for cowards

Signature: illegible letters - MKX

Gender: male

Orientation: pan(i wrote pam and don’t regret it)-aro

Blood: three-quarters pure, half blood father

Birthday: 6-6

Deathday: (May not have one yet)(oh gee, did you not expect me to have a day of death?)(well, i don’t)

Astrological Sign: Gemini(fun fact: Draco’s the only Gemini on the wiki)(why is this relevant)(astrology is weird as all hell)

____

Immediate Family: Jacob Knox(brother)

Distant Family: Shay Knox(mother), Clark Knox(father)

Parenting: non-existent

Upbringing(morals and ideals): considering he was raised by a person only a few years older than him, during the period of Voldemort’s rule, he is less screwed up than he could’ve been. However, he still possesses a rather vague and undefined sense of right and wrong - using his logic to bypass any sort of regrets if it blocks him from his goal

Infancy: (dropped at birth is an option and i’m living for it)

Childhood: that one kid who lit ants on fire and was ‘rebellious’ (you know that post about america being the asshole kid with neglectful parents? That’s the one)

Adolescence: canon

Adulthood: never. He hasn’t even gotten taller

____

Species: hooman

Preferred Hand: ambidextrous(he keeps injuring his hands)

Facial Type: like a face, why is this - oval, i guess

Eye Color: dark brown

Hair Color (Self Explanatory)(it isn’t when his hair is grey/silver/white)(the kid probably bleached his already pale hair)(he probably likes the smell of bleach)

Hairstyle: fringe-up

Complexion: blushes easily, relatively smooth unless you look at the cuts and bruises and scars on his arms, back and legs

Body Type: ectomorph

Build: skinny arms and legs, he isn’t the most physically fit and regularly damages his body due to his complete lack of care for his own safety

Height: 65 in

Weight: 120 lb

Shoe Size: (Shoe size doesn’t matter)(goddamnit i forgot this was an innuendo)(keep it pg, please)

Birthmarks/scars: no birthmarks, and has tons of ugly marks all over him, none of them particularly remarkable

Distinguishing Features: the contrast between his eye color and hair color - but other than the hair, he doesn’t have a memorable face

_____

Health: as healthy as a wizard without impulse control and emotional support could be

Energy: swings from highs and lows without any pattern

Memory: remembers the small stuff, the negative parts - forgets about major ideas or lessons

Senses: heavily relies on eyes, can’t taste for shit

Allergies: (Self Explanatory. May be optional.)(i mean, i would put animals, but we have transfiguration)

Medication: needs some, doesn’t take any

Phobias(irrational fears):

Symmetrophobia(fear of symmetry, an unnatural-looking but normal occurrence, which isn’t debilitating, but causes him stress and uneasiness)

Siderophobia(fear of the stars, the idea that there’s so much out there that he doesn’t know of is pretty awful and, again, while it isn’t going to freeze him up, it will cause him to become upset)

Addictions: none yet

Mental Disorders: undiagnosed

______

Style: couldn’t care less about appearance  - he wears the school robes most of the time

Mode of Dress: doesn’t have a particular taste, as long as it’s passable, it’s fine - tends to wear a size or two larger

Grooming: somewhere in between messy and neat

Posture: he displays an air of aloofness and confidence - almost condescending in stance

Gait: quickly and efficiently - it’s brisk at his slowest

Coordination: not physically fit at all, he’s too reckless for that - exercises to the point of exhaustion without realizing that it’s detrimental to do so and has limbs flying all over the place

Habits and Mannerisms: taps his foot or fingers when excited, nervous, or anything that deviates from his usual ‘cool’ facade

Scent: earth, smoke, and grass - faint but noticeable

______

Mood: ‘calm’ - probably plotting though

Attitude: he’s charismatic and charming until you dig deeper

Stability: hA

Expressiveness: can act like he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve but can never fully give his true thoughts

When Happy: smirks - invades personal space and slows down

When Depressed: smiles - talks louder and speaks faster

When Angry: (trolls online is an option and if that isn’t Mark, i don’t know what is) smirks - wide eyes and tense hands

______

Friends: Rubeus Hagrid - but not really

Enemies: Rita Skeeter - but not really

Bosses: Filius Flitwick - but not really

Followers: not even himself

Heroes: Filius Flitwick - “short people are closer to hell and he’s gonna whoop my ass if I do anything stupid”

Rivals: Ismelda - “for most edgy teen”

Relates to: Dumbledore - impersonal but seemingly close, full of contradictions and ulterior motives

Pets/Familiars: does his jar of bug bodies count?

______

Wardrobe: mostly consisting of Hogwarts robes, formal robes, and the identical grey-blue sweater and jeans

Equipment: carries a wand and a pencil(but not paper, because he has problems)

Accessories: a single dangling silver piercing on his right ear(family tradition)

Trinkets: carries hair ties on his wrist all the time(why? He doesn’t even know)

Funds: his family is relatively well off, being a respected branch of purebloods

Home: almost like his personality, warm and nice on the outside, cozy on the inside, but dead silent and empty when no one looks - not large but not small either, seeming normal by all accounts if you don’t look into any of the rooms(jacob’s windows are taped shut and Mark broke through the locked door that connected their bedrooms)

Neighborhood: the woods

Transportation: running because stamina apparently is infinite in this world

Collections: bug bodies, herbs, and lighters

Prized Possession: his wand, after seeing Jacob’s broken one

_____

Lovers: yeet

Marital Status: yeet

____

Experience: works in the three broomsticks in his off time to get experience and money, nothing serious

Organizations/Affiliations: changeable, he doesn’t plant many roots or make any long-term promises

______

Education: i mean, Hogwarts. But is it even ‘education’?

School: (What was their school like?) bitch this is Hogwarts

Social Stereotype: “least favorite cursed student”

Intelligence: mostly interpersonal, linguistic and logical

Extracurricular Activities: would do theater if given the chance

_____

Morals: don’t exist - but he honestly has a problem with reasoning his way into committing seriously wrong deeds

Crime Record: hasn’t been caught yet ;)

Motivation: adrenaline, change - nothing truly meaningful or satisfying

Priorities: knowledge, humans, self

Philosophy: gen z nihilism

Etiquette: usually practices ‘correct’ etiquette - does not give a fuck if his behaviour offends someone though

Influences: everything and anything he finds intriguing

Traditions: tries to run away from them, always moving and staying ahead of the past

______

Career: spell-inventor or wand-maker/seller

Desires: uncertain

Accomplishments: undetermined

Biggest Failure: failing Jacob

Secrets: his manipulative side, his genuinely mean streak and the fact that he regrets having those traits

Regrets: a shit ton of things

Worries: Jacob, being nothing in the grand scheme of things, being a hypocrite, betrayal, a shit ton of things

Best Dream: having a greater purpose

Worst Nightmare: dying alone and being left behind as a ghost

Best Memories: finding his brother’s secret room, meeting Billingsley

Worst Memories: losing his brother, lying to his teachers, accidentally calling Chester: Jacob

_______

Hobbies/Interests: explore the wilderness, identify flora and fauna, observing other people

Skills/Talents: pyromancy, charms in general, debating, acting, singing

Likes: mint, sharpies, fire

Dislikes: himself, close-minded people, pity

Sense of Humor: sarcastic, self-deprecating, relatively dark

Pet Peeves: the guy scratching his quill the wrong way in the front row whenever they write essays

Dreams/Nightmares: doesn’t dream usually - when he does, it’s usually flashes of color and abstract black and white shapes

Quirks: can’t sit on the fucking couch correctly

Understands: how people think, the reason they fail, mistakes

Can't understand: quidditch, values, structure

Closet Hobby: burning shit(though that isn’t really a hidden thing with him)

_________

Strengths: charismatic, diplomatic, quick-witted, inwardly caring, able to understand his flaws, patient, logical, able to read other people

Flaws: lies often, manipulative, lazy, lenient, passive, harsh, inconsiderate, enjoys pushing people’s buttons, doesn’t understand people

Perception of others: beautiful, incomprehensible, vast

Instincts: wants approval(deems it irrational)

Lures: leadership roles, secrets, problems

Soft Spot: innocence but not ignorant, optimism

________

Ability: capable if he puts his mind to it - employs unpredictable and risky techniques instead of having a fear of consequences

Weaknesses: stubborn opponents - he expects change and gets caught off guard when someone seems set in their ways

Patronus: non-corporeal

Boggart: fire(irony i guess is easy to use when you don’t have anything else)

Wand: spruce, phoenix feather, 12”, springy

Amortentia: lime, smoke, sharpies

House: Ravenclaw(that post about the kid wanting to be put in Ravenclaw since ppl will trust you but got in Slytherin)

_____

Favorite Color(s): grey, blue

Favorite Animal(s): swedish short snout

Favorite Drink(s): coffee and soda(probably together because he can’t function like a normal person)

Favorite Genre: mystery or myths

Favorite Subject(s): charms(Flitwick is the man) and divination(where you can bs your way through anything)

Least Favorite Color(s): black, white

Least Favorite Animal(s): flies

Least Favorite Drink(s): does soup count? Because he does drink it in a cup

Least Favorite Genre: manuals and biographies

Least Favorite Subject(s): flying(impulsive idiot) and care of magical creatures(he’s a screw up around animals)

________

Languages: english and he taught himself some Latin

Voice: average in tone, a bit nasally, rather forgettable except for the speed

Greetings and Farewells: doesn’t

Ask your character "how are you": yes.

Character tries to compliment: you have eyes, your name is ___

Tries to insult: passive-aggressively drags a person

Expletive: damn(dam)(loopholes, my friends)

Laughter: snorting, definitely not normal

Tagline: ___, yeah?

________

Reputation: other than the whole ‘brother’ problem, is relatively well-liked

First Impressions: charming, confident guy

Stranger Impressions: a bit loud but not strange

Friendly Impressions: goddamnit Mark, shut up

Enemy Impressions: please keep talking so we’re allowed to punch you in the face

Familiar Impressions: ah yes, the hair pops up from time to time

Compliments from others: bright, energetic, optimistic, honest

Insults: dangerous, unstable, chaotic

Self-Impression: am shit

_________

Compare to: forest fire(destructive and necessary for change)

Symbols: flames, ashes, duality

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Bring the Heat

Finally had the opportunity to sit down and check out Raya and the Last Dragon. Disney Animation is kind of hit and miss when it comes to their new flicks and this incredibly transparent push for diversity profits has had mixed results for me. I enjoyed Tangled and Soul for what they were, and Zootopia was an excellent look at prejudice, but Moana was basically just Pacific Islander Pocahontas and the less said about the Frozen franchise, the better. I know all of this focus on diversity coming out of the Mouse House is strictly performative but it’s still dope seeing other cultures represented by the biggest studio in the land, even if that doesn’t translate so well to live action leading roles. Raya is the newest attempt by Disney to cash out by presenting or, as my more cynical self would say, pandering, to the Southeast Asian markets. Let’s see how well they pulled this sh*t off

The Good

This movie is gorgeous. Raya is easily the most beautiful film out of the Mouse House in a while. It definitely gives Soul a run for that tile and kind of sh*ts all over Frozen. That stands to reason considering it’s been a few years since the last Elsa outing, even though Sisu is just Dragon Elsa. Disney got that anime sameface problem.

Kind of an addendum to the previous note, Raya is beautifully animated. The facial movements, that audio sync, the f*cking hair, those action scenes; All of it is exquisite! I'm not going to say it can give Pixar a run for their money when they are a the top of their game, no CG animation company can, but Raya is definitely a contender.

The world of Kumandra is an interesting one with a truly unique feel, even if it’s kind of a homogeneous, Asian, conglomerate. I would have liked to see more of a focus on a specific Asian culture that doesn’t necessarily get the spotlight as often as China or Japan. Something like Thai, Hmong, Filipino, or Vietnamese would have been dope but i guess Kumandra had to hit all the bases to make all of the money. I dunno, it’s fine that there is Asian representation but creating a fictitious catch-all instead of actually building on something comes across as real tone deaf and a little disingenuous.

I like that there’s no singing in this thing. I’m not a fan of musicals so when the rare Disney animation comes through and it's not one, i tend to pay closer attention. That's probably why i love Atlantis so much. Also Maleficent but that's more because I just genuinely love the character of  Maleficent. All that said...

What little music we did get in this thing, was lovely. Like, it felt distinctly ethnic and fit the narrative perfectly. It went a long way to lend a bit of authenticity to a movie that is basically a soulless cash grab

These fight scenes are dope. Wonderfully telegraphed and visibly punishing, they’re great examples of choreography, especially considering how a lot of this is mocap. It’s a fine line between a fight and a dance but Raya traverses that gap with real aplomb.

Solid performances abound. I genuinely enjoy the vast majority of this cast and it's super-dope that it's almost all Asian actors in these parts. Sandra Oh, Izaac Wang, Daniel Dae Kim, Benedict Wong, Lucille Soong: This flicked is stacked with that Eastern excellence. It's a shame this thing didn't get a theatrical release. I'd be curious to see how a mass audience would have received this film if it was properly released into theaters, especially after witnessing how films like Paradise, Crazy Rich Asians, and The Farewell were so well received.

Sisu is adorable. I kind of love this little dragon scamp. She might be one of my favorite Disney characters in their library. Nora Lum does a great job giving Sisu life with her performance. The more I see, and hear, of this chick, the more I love her as an actor. Also, getting Awkwafina to voice the Water Dragon is not lost on me. I See you, Disney.

I really like Namaari, too. Gemma Chan does an exceptional job making her compelling. I don't really agree with her motivations but I understand them. Some of that has to be credited to the writing but Chan's performance goes a long way to making her believable. Seriously, I thought  Namaari was a much better protagonist than Raya and that has everything to do with Chan

The Meh

Kelly Marie Tran was a little dry for me as Raya. Like, she was good, don't misunderstand, but the character of Raya, as written, was kind of an idiot? Tran is excellent in the role as a performer, but Raya, herself, is real hard to identify with. She was scripted as the low energy straight man to Awkwafina's uber-kinetic Sisu, and to that end, Tran captures the character perfectly, she just comes across as kind of a dumbass. Her chemistry with Awkwafina, though, goes a long way to making Raya tolerable.

The Bad

It's kind of ridiculous to me that this entire film can be solved with honest communication. The fact that Sisu blatantly points that out means this movie is aware of it. Sh*t's kind of absurd but that might be the point. This thing is made for kids so I understand it can't be super nuanced with it's themes but I can kind of see this being a sticking point for other people.

The pacing is a little wonky. It feels really start-and-stop. Like, it took me this long to finish this flick because it was so slow in the beginning and then stalls kind of partway through, and then again toward the end. It's definitely a contradictory thing to say because this movie really moves overall. Like, it's totally a brisk watch but, at times, stalls to a near stop.

Now, I found Sisu adorable but I'm a fan of Spider-Man. He's super quippy, just like her, so that was right in my wheelhouse. However, I can totally see people frustrated with her character. She has the potential to be incredibly annoying to some.

Could have done without the extra supporting characters. In a lot of ways, this movie felt like a video game where you traverse several levels, acquiring mcguffins, picking up party members, all for the ultimate goal of defeating a powerful enemy force. And, just like video games, some supporting characters are better than others. I liked Boun, though. He was kind of hilarious.

The Verdict

Finishing Raya and the Last Dragon after, like, six false-starts, felt like an accomplishment. Turns out, it's a pretty good movie. Raya does start a little slower than i would like, and can definitely stumble in pacing at times, but it's still pretty fun to watch. The performances re strong, the characters are endearing, an the world is rich with intrigue. Awkwafina and Gemma Chan turn in some excellent performances and even Kelly Marie Tran does her best with what she was given, which wasn't much. Not going to sit here and claim it to be one of my favorites but it's better than i initially gave it credit for. Raya and the last Dragon has a ton of potential but I think Disney played it too safe and missed out on something great. Still, it's a fun watch that I think kids will enjoy. I mean, don't pay any extra loot for it but, if it's on Disney+ or if you wanna fly that Jolly Roger, it might be worth.

All that said, this sh*t feels a lot like the plot to Breath of the Wild, complete with kind of a Calamity Ganon as the principal conflict. I'm curious if anyone else got that same vibe.

[paxvictoriana]

The Incredible, Radical Jessica James

• • •  [spoilers below]  • • •

In the middle of a blind date she doesn’t particularly want to be on, The Incredible Jessica James’ eponymous heroine squares off with her equally uncomfortable, male dinner friend/potential boyf/adversary.

They volley back and forth several brutally, “completely honest” questions.

After a few, he asks her, “How do you pay your rent?”

“I… work at a non-profit, in Hell’s Kitchen.” (Pride in her voice, though a somewhat knowing tone: yeah, I know. Very Brooklyn answer.) “I teach public school kids how to write and produce their own plays.”

“So… how do you pay your rent?”

She laughs.

Already – my Netflix ticker says this is barely 13:50 into the entire movie – the two biggest threads of the film come together: (1) an endearing, realistic romantic comedy starring Jessica Williams (that Dope Queen off The Daily Show who now does other stuff – namely, this) and rom-com’s staple dorky everyman Chris O’Dowd (because the thinking, even semi-straight woman[**] needs an IT guy); and (2) the female Bildungsroman.

If you’ve taken an English class any time since approx. 1980, you’ve probably had to learn and use “Bildungsroman” in an essay. It’s the coming-of-age novel, the story of growing up, an arc from innocence to experience. Except, as a pivotal cohort of feminist critics in the 1980s argued, the female Bildungsroman means “growing down,” a story of women being taught by society: Lower Your Expectations! Conform! Settle! The debate around what even is a Bildungsroman has wrestled with how gender-specific a story about maturing and (in essence) #adulting can be, given that women in Western society since the inception of the novel itself haven’t really had the options to leave home, discover themselves as autonomous, free, independent selves. The male Bildungsroman, in other words, is about the boy who grows up to be a man, and gets a job; the female Bildungsroman is about the girl who becomes a lady, and finds the right husband. Sure, there’s status and some freedom attached to that – class status and thus economic freedom, as the bourgieness of the novel excels at rewarding. But by and large, no matter how failed the male career, no matter how much the woman takes on a new career of domestic labor, the novels usually emphasize along these lines. Men achieve professional success; women aren’t left to be spinsters.

(A professor in my department, Jesse Rosenthal, pointed out how pervasive this narrative still is within even the most indie, “unconventional” of tales. His case study? (500) Days of Summer. As he recounted to a class on the 19th-cen. British novel, here’s a movie putatively about the romantic maturation of the male subject – a rom-com trajectory usually reserved for women [i.e.. He’s Just Not That Into You could never be She’s Just Not That Into You]. But Joseph Gordon Levitt’s problematic-nice-guy fairy tale, complete with problematic-indie-dream-girl Zooey Deschanel, isn’t his acceptance of a limited role in his next relationship. It’s a successful job interview. [roll credits])

So the fact that The Incredible Jessica James coupled, in several senses, these two plots wasn’t surprising to me. Less than 15 minutes in, and yeah, obviously, Chris O’Dowd is gonna get the girl, and Jessica is gonna get over her ex by realizing that she “deserves” this more mature guy. Her work is great and all, the story goes, but obviously what we want is Bridesmaids with a lady of color. Comedy + late capitalism’s precarity (Jessica, how do you pay your rent? Are you going to have to go live with your parents like Kristin Wiig had to after the cupcake biz tanked?) = love story. And bonus points for being about Instagram, and having a WOC lead where a white actress would have been five or ten years ago (slash even now): kudos, my friends. Kudos.

But… that’s not what happened. And here’s where this movie is radical.

Because The Incredible Jessica James is a female Bildungsroman [or Bildungs-Film] that subtly, cannily, definitively breaks the mold. 

It isn’t a story about a woman realizing how wrong she is to be hung up on the wrong, bad boy, and thus the return to the family, to society’s right side of the tracks, to *herself* that is made whole again by giving up her rebellious adolescent wandering and waffling. Instead, TIJJ presents a heroine who goes through a series of rejections not of lovers, but of jobs [displayed on her wall: see first screencap]. It tracks her indefatigable efforts to make what she loves (theater) into a career, even a somewhat uncertain one. It’s about her slow realization – not the sudden “awakening” narrative that critics have ascribed to female/feminist Bildungsroman of old – that what she’s doing, working every day with kids, continuing to send out her resume, writing and reading and connecting with the public circles of her aspiring field – all that, is a career.

Take, for example, a crucial marker of James’s acceptance of herself, and of her status, as grown-up, matured, sufficiently adult that she’s no longer faking it til she makes it: she’s Made It. The blueish-purple jumpsuit spotted in a Brooklyn consignment shop, the kind that is explicitly labeled as male by the sewn patch of its previous owner, “Randolph,” tall enough for even the pretty tall JJ. 

Working-class, second hand, male-identified uniform; natural hair in box braids; red lipstick and bright eyeliner. This is how Jessica meets her parents. But the music slides to an uncomfortable stop as Jessica gets off the Arrivals moving walkway: her parents are bourgie, sweet, stable, and utterly unlike her in spirit. This is the American middle-class dream – as authors from Frantz Fanon to Paul Gilroy to Ta Nehisi-Coates have written – that preys on Black people specifically, the double-consciousness of passing as it works in all its formulaic vapidity. Jessica’s younger sister, too, has bought into this dream: she takes one look at Jessica.

“You look like an auto-mechanic,” Jerusa (her sister) points out in a tone dripping with judgment.

“It’s cool, though, right?” Jessica beams.

“Yeah…” her sister nods, meaning the opposite. “I mean, you’re not going to wear it to the party?” [Her very normative, unironic, and uncritical baby shower.]

“… Nope,” Jessica deflates. Pretending this has been her plan all along.

Because this family isn’t ever going to be the place where Jessica can be anything other than stifled. The prim-and-proper group sits in the suburban family room late that night, merrily gooey-eyed over a romantic drama they’re watching on TV, whose dialogue (that’s all we overhear) is so utterly, sickeningly banal that Jessica doesn’t even enter the room. She hangs back, in the darkness. The entire setting – with all its race and class implications (and the sincere and moving subplot about the James family’s struggles with making their own rent, and how this continues to the present with Jessica’s public school kid whose divorced parents are fighting over custody, intertwines class and race throughout) – requires, in sum, the painful subjugation of Jessica’s self. A “growing down,” a compromise, as its definition of “growing up.”

Women of traditional Bildungsromane, Abel, Hirsch and Langland posit, “are not free to explore; more frequently, they merely exchange one domestic sphere for another. While the young hero roams through the city, the young heroine strolls down the country lane” (8).

Jessica James, by contrast, goes back to New York.

And back, at least superficially, to the romantic sphere of this rom-com. Where her jumpsuit is acceptable; where people like her appreciate thoughtful, empowering arts (instead of, like her mom’s Very White Book Club Lady friend wants, Cats). Where her lesbian best friend (that actress from Master of None) is the elective community James wants, not the family she’s contractually obliged to recognize in her blood. Where Chris O’Dowd is; where her career is.

So how does the movie wrap up the romantic plot without making this about Jessica’s successful “deserving” of the Right Man™?

(It’s worth noting, before we spoil the ending, that the Boone – aka O’Dowd – subplot of the movie focuses on his not being able to get over the right girl. He stalks his ex-wife, amusingly because it’s Chris O’Dowd, but I think the movie implies cringe-worthily and creepily too: the dude side of rom-coms, it seems, is bleak; not somewhere the film is especially interested in lingering, and neither really are we. He’s eventually ashamed of himself, and this humility is deliberately more endearing than his Every Breath You Take enactment was. Admittedly, we could get into the politics of who says they’re sorry at various points in the film, who asks for and who gives forgiveness, and the ways in which being placed in a position of forgiving is, in a way, simultaneously powerful and powerless. But Nietzsche and feminism is a debate for another time.)

What I’m especially struck by – and I’ve watched this movie myself and with my sister, and then thought about it again after it was praised by another woman I love who watched it an ocean away – is that TIJJ ends with Jessica.

The final two scenes are crucial here. The penultimate brings together the two guys; formally, the two choices of a Bildungsroman: forward, or back? Jessica’s ex, Damon, finds her backstage after the kids’ theater night concludes, and opens with how he “know[s] how much this means to” her. For a split second, I panicked: OH GOD, fuck, this is why we can’t have nice things. They’re gonna have this guy realize how great she is – because obviously the only way a guy can appreciate a woman is for him to be in competition with another man. She deserves better! I shouted internally. Don’t take him back: sure, you realized you were as responsible for the break-up as he was. So what! You can do better.

But they hug, they sigh, and he leaves. (At which point I breathed a sigh of relief.)

Enter Chris O’Dowd. (At which point I was back to, fuck conventionality. What a missed opportunity.)

Turns out, though, the movie saw me – and the Bildungsroman – coming a mile off.

Because Jessica – unlike Rachel – gets on the damn plane.

Jessica, after all, has been offered a huge job opportunity in the most novelistic of cities: London. But things are just getting back on track with Right Guy; but going is her dream, is her big break; but he, like Damon, just realized how great she is – he read her entire corpus of theatrical writing, and declared – #honesty – that he’s still coming to grips with her complexity, on the page and off; but; but; but…

But… she forgot to tell him about London. And in a sense, this is where swelling crescendos of orchestral joy began filling my head, because if this had been a rom-com like the others, if this had been a female coming-of-age story like the others, she would never forgotten about him. Ever. Not once. He would have been her one phone call; her best friend-par-excellence; her Person. Instead, that honor goes to Tasha, the semi-parodic self-involved best friend who always, though, has Jessica’s back.

And so when the clearly wealthy – loaded, because of an app that is explicitly about the formal gesture afforded by technology of Family, without the actual emotional or affective labor of having to talk to those totally different people who somehow raised you! – Boone mentions “frequent flyer miles,” we can anticipate an airplane that Jessica (by now we can say, of course) will be on.

“Just if you wanted to… bring someone with you… to show you around the town,” he hedges, just before the cut.

“How does that work? [...] Frequent flyer miles?”

Cut to Jessica – in the god. damn. JUMPSUIT. Pleased as punch, sitting in – oh yes, we can have nice things – not even economy seats. The nice seats.

At which point, the truly INCREDIBLE part of this movie becomes clear:

Tasha: Dude, I can't believe your boyfriend bought us tickets to London.

Jessica: Okay, who said anything about him being my boyfriend?

T: Wait. What are you talking about? This is like, the most romantic gesture I have ever seen.

JJ: Yeah, it's dope. But it takes more than a couple of roundtrip tickets to London for somebody to be my boyf.

T: That is so boss.

Shandra – the elementary school girl whose divorced parents prompted Jessica’s own reflection on her parents/childhood – returning to her seat: What is so boss?

T: Uh, Jessica.

S: Oh, yeah. Duh.[… I]t was really cool of your boyfriend to get me a ticket, too.

T: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sister. Just because a guy buys a lady a couple of roundtrip tickets to London does not make him her boyfriend.…

[a beat]

S: You know, I like your jumpsuit.

JJ: Thank you. Yeah, it's pretty bad-ass, right?

S: Hm. Yeah, it is.

They all exchange smiles, the camera zooms in for one final-close up of Jessica’s excited anticipation of landing for the beginning of – not her romance, but – her career.

COME ON! You’re telling me the final scene of this movie is a new affinity, a new definition of family, in which the white, straight, married couple form is reshaped into the female solidarity of friendship, while the child of that hetero dyad of yore is now the dark-skinned girl who herself is a budding author, having been mentored by Jessica, who is – onscreen – mentored by another strong, Black female playwright??? You’re telling me that throw-away moment in the corridor backstage with Chris O’Dowd that seems like the lead-in to a kiss is in fact his last appearance onscreen??? You’re telling me the movie, moreover, goes out of its way to stress – TWICE -- that whatever erotic/romantic relationship they’re in, Jessica didn’t accept this trip as the quid pro quo of settling down??? YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS NEW COLLECTIVE IS SO AWARE OF ITS MEMBERS’ QUIRKS AND FOIBLES AND SELF-AUTHORSHIP/FASHIONING THAT THE FINAL LINES OF THE MOVIE UNDERSCORE THAT JESSICA CAN, IN FACT, DRESS HOWEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS, AND THAT SOME PEOPLE WILL LOVE HER FOR IT, AND FEEL THE SAME ABOUT THE THINGS SHE LOVES???

Get out of my face, TIJJ. You have *EXPLODED* the female Bildungsroman, and maybe the Bildungsroman full-stop. There is no return to the original society, no compromise, no settling. Jessica isn’t the one forced to the margins of the story by choosing either independence or submission: the family is.

For that matter, romance sort of is. Jessica has no “boyf”; Tasha has no (onscreen, stable, couple-form) gf, but neither is she a hypersexualized lerb. She masturbates on/off-screen, but it’s one of her quirks! She and Jessica go to a lesbian bar, where Tasha chats with several recognizably-styled queer ladies: but she is neither reduced to her own romance plot, nor denied any sexuality at all. She and Jessica, however queerly you read their relationship (and I don’t especially, but I see how one could), are the empowering couple of the film, supporting each other not just in romance but in their mutually-reinforcing careers.

This is a rom-com about aiming high, about finding a career not in, because of, or in spite of a guy, but because it’s the one through-line of the entire story. Jessica begins and ends loving her work, and the slow build of that love rewards her by the end. She has Made It. The fact that she probably goes home to an attractive dude who boosts but is not himself responsible for her career – sure, he gets her upgraded tickets, but her confidence, “forthright[ness],” and drive suggest she would have made it to London without him, no question, by whatever means necessary – is icing on the cake. Yes, there was a maturation narrative within the romantic plot (she learned to leap in her relationships; she also learned, as Boone did, to have realistic expectations of where both partners are at any given moment in a relationship). But this, the movie stresses, is not the end of the story. It’s a subplot within her story.

[gif from x]

I don’t think it’s unimportant, either, that Jessica Williams – a fine actress in this movie, entirely winning the screen – plays the heroine. By which I mean, I think it’s all the more radical that to play the romantic interest to gaze adoringly at rom-com’s Irish nerdboy Chris O’Dowd, the director/producers/writers picked a woman whose best-known appearances are in scathing condemnations of male privilege, white supremacy, and American patriarchal, racist, and just terrible norms in general. That such a woman is the new face – but I didn’t even get to talk about the fact that in a few scenes, Jessica J/W’s complexion is a little spotty, which made me (with a long history of struggling with the medical and psychological reality of being a teenager and then adult woman with terrible acne) want to cry with gratitude: this is what a heroine looks like? 

Sure, Wonder Woman is fab, but damn I needed this representation so much – maybe more – than the superheroic, impervious demi-goddess from Themyscira. I needed a strong, self-loving, no-nonsense, tall, Black, not-quite-starving artist in Brooklyn, jamming with headphones in the concrete stairwell of her building, who proudly declares, “I’m freakin’ DOPE.”

I needed a new female coming-of-age story – especially in 2017 –, and, somewhat subtly but unquestionably, The Incredible Jessica James delivered.

***

{** I use “women,” “men,” “male,” and “female” throughout this piece to refer mostly to the historical categories of those identities/concepts. I also want to be clear that I’m not trying to gloss over this film’s missteps; rather, I’m trying to celebrate its major, but possibly missable, wins. Lastly, I know that in German Bildungsroman means *novel* of development/maturation, not *film*. Don’t @ me.

Thanks to Jesse Rosenthal (JHU) for getting me thinking about the basic understanding of the Bildungsroman in such concise, formal terms. For the debate about male vs./and female Bildungsromane, see – to name just some –, Abel, Hirsch and Langland (eds.), The Voyage In: Fictions of Female Development (1983); Lorna Ellis, Appearing to Diminish: Female Development and the British Bildungsroman, 1750-1850 (1999); Rita Felski, Beyond Feminist Aesthetics: Feminist Literature and Social Change (1989); Franco Moretti, The Way of the World: The Bildungsroman in European Culture (1987); and Susan Fraiman, Unbecoming Women: British Women Writers and the Novel of Development (1993).

The Incredible Jessica James (2017), dir. and writer Jim Strouse; produced by Beachside Films/Netflix. S/o to casting, Kate Geller and Jessica Kelly. Thanks also to Springfield! Springfield! movie scripts for their transcription, which saved me time. }

[moreracquetball]

you know one of the au's i've been thinking about? a modern day au where whizzer is a professional baseball player in his late 20's, and marvin's already divorced but he has to chaperone jason's little league trip to watch a big league game, and they somehow run into each other at a bar nearby after the game/trip and marvin has no idea who he is, which intrigues whizzer to no end.

Marvin drains the first beer in almost a minute flat, desperate to get the echo of eleven loud, shrill-pitched voices out of his brain before it eventually develops further into a headache. Jesus, he was lucky that the stadium was only in the next town over—the two hours trapped on a bus with sweaty, squeaky-voiced Jewish boys still being terrible, but any minute longer than that, and Marvin would have started drinking then instead of sneaking off after checking into the hotel and “turning in for the night.”

And it's all for some stupid baseball game—not an art museum or science expedition or theater production (you know, something educational that would actually be worth the money and missing work days). Bitterly, Marvin can't help but think of Trina and Mendel enjoying their peaceful day at home, probably drinking champagne and laughing evilly about how they suckered him into chaperoning Jason's little league team for some "father-son bonding." 

Yeah right. So far, Jason has sat as far away from him as possible and looks embarrassed any time that it's even mentioned Marvin is his dad. Great bonding time, Trina, so glad you guilt-tripped me into it.

It's only the first day of the weekend-long trip, and Marvin is already over it.

He nurses his second beer slowly and flickers his gaze around the low-lit bar, trying not to linger too long at the jawline of one man or the slope of another's ass. Even though it's been two years since his divorce—two years since he stopped with the lying and suffocating self-repression, Marvin still gets nervous about being here, about being noticed and identified as something that he tried for years to suppress. He still remembers high school, with the taunt fag being a slap to the face and getting shoved into a locker when he got caught looking at a cute boy's ass during homeroom. 

The memories make Marvin hurriedly avoid all eye contact and stare down at his beer, tensed and terrified and suddenly feeling like he's fifteen-years-old all over again.

But a distraction would be nice, after all. A pretty little thing to help Marvin edge out the headache, loosen the tension coiled in his shoulders, make him just forget everything except the slapping of skin and release of pressure.

He's picked up guys before, but it never gets any easier. It's always stilted, awkward. And if Marvin didn't look so rich and have at least a pretty decent face, he’s sure he'd barely get through the torturous small talk before the your place or mine?

He polishes off his second beer for some liquid courage and finally spots someone worth the effort.

He's just Marvin's type—with a fit, lithe body and soft-looking hair and a dangerous smile easily interchangeable with a sneer. He's seated at one of the bar stools by himself, sipping on one of those fruity cocktails that change the color of your tongue and make your mouth taste of sugar. And Marvin feels a want deep in his bones, the desire coiling hot and tight in the bottom of his stomach. 

Shaking his nerves, he walks over and plops down in the seat directly beside him, ignoring the man's critical raise of eyebrow and ordering himself another drink. Marvin refuses to meet the other's expectant gaze and tries not to feel bereft by the man's clear exasperation.

"Let me guess," The man drawls out, arrogant and scathing, "You're in town for the game, right?"

The question throws Marvin off, so much so that he abandons his plan to play it aloof and look at him, "How'd you know?"

"All those empty bar stools," The man gestures with a slow loop of his finger, "And you chose the one directly next to me." The explanation doesn't really make that much sense, and Marvin feels his confusion clear on his face.

"I sat next to you to hit on you," Marvin informs him, the alcohol on his tongue making him blunt, "I wasn't going to make shitty small talk about overcompensating meat-heads with 'roid rage standing in a field for two hours."

The man's bored expression fades slightly, a slight crease forming in between his immaculately shaped eyebrows, "Well, that's a new approach. Can't say I've heard that one before."

Marvin tries his best flirtatious smile, hoping it doesn't look too much like a leer, "You've never been hit on before?" 

The man blinks at him, "You're a bold one, aren't you?"

"Not usually," Marvin admits, "I'm just trying to delay turning in for the night because when I wake up, I have to go to that boring ass baseball game."

"Boring?" The man repeats, looking almost offended, "Baseball isn't boring." And oh great, the guy's probably in town for the game too. Voluntarily. Without a son who he's desperately trying to connect with over anything at this point.

"You're not one of those super fans, are you?" Marvin asks with a groan, only half-kidding, "Because I'll be honest, that's kind of a deal breaker. I've heard enough about baseball today to save me a lifetime."

The man continues to stare at him, looking vaguely bereft and intrigued. And yeah, Marvin can work with that.

He sticks out his hand, "Marvin."

The man scoffs at the formality and ignores the outstretched hand, swishing his fruity cocktail around with one of those tiny umbrellas, "Whizzer Brown." There's an emphasis on the name, a pointed inflection. It goes over Marvin's head because he's too focused on the blue dye staining Whizzer Brown's tongue. Marvin licks his lips, waiting desperately to lean in and just taste.

"You're not a baseball fan, are you?" Whizzer Brown asks, still hung up on the subject.

Marvin tries to hide his eye roll, "Don't you want to talk about something actually interesting? Like whether or not if I kiss you, I'll be able to guess the flavor of your drink."

Finally, a smile twitches onto Whizzer Brown's handsome face. Without any response or further coyness, Whizzer leans in and kisses Marvin, filthy and deliberate. Marvin hesitates for only a few seconds—surprised that that actually worked—before reciprocating, pushing and licking into the man's mouth as his hand subconsciously goes to bury itself in the soft brown hair. When he reflexively tugs a little, Whizzer moans, breathless and surprised. 

Whizzer breaks the kiss abruptly, leaning back and cocking a challenging eyebrow.

It takes Marvin more than a few embarrassing seconds to remember what he had said, "Uh...Blueberry?”

"Cotton candy." Whizzer corrects, giving Marvin a thoughtful once over. Marvin tries not to preen nor shrink under the man's critical stare. Rather, he meets his gaze straight-on with the kind of courage that he certainly doesn't feel.

Finally, after a long moment, Whizzer Brown asks, "How far away is your hotel?" Marvin suddenly remembers Jason fast asleep in his room, finally crashing from that sugar high when Marvin was stupid enough to let the kids bring candy and snacks for the ride.

"Too far." Marvin says, which blatant lie but he can't necessarily say Actually, my son's in the bed next to mine, so we really can't. 

Whizzer doesn't question his answer, simply replying, "Bathroom it is then. Meet me there in five minutes."

Marvin snorts, "You don't seem like the type that likes to be discreet."

Whizzer fixes him with a crooked smile, saying wryly, "Well, I can't let any potential paparazzi see me lead a man into the bathroom of a gay bar, now can I?"

Marvin blinks at the word paparazzi, "That's a weird, self-absorbed thing to say."

Whizzer huffs a laugh, seemingly amused, "Five minutes."

Five minutes later, Marvin is slamming Whizzer against one of the stall doors, nipping at his neck and uncaring if he leaves bruises.

"So you're going to the game?" Whizzer says breathlessly, making small talk at a time like this, "Maybe we'll see each other there." Marvin thinks about the potential of seeing a bathroom hook-up when he's out with his twelve year old son and inwardly cringes.

Forgoing a reply, Marvin pulls harder on Whizzer's hair, effectively shutting him up.

:: - ::

In the stands, Marvin pays as little attention as possible, his legs crossed and chin propped up by his hand. Beside him, Jason seems equally as morose, though that has more to do with the fact that his team is losing rather than being bored by the whole thing in general.

"I told you, Jason," Some other kid (Kevin? Andrew? Shit, what is his name?) says with a smirk, "Nobody can't beat Brown's fast ball." Brown. Marvin is suddenly reminded of breathy moans and hands clawing at his back. Jesus, why did the guy have to have such a common last name?

"He's nothing but a head of hair. Even my dad can pitch better than him." Jason argues airily, rolling his eyes. Marvin is paying enough attention to feel a little insulted. 

"That's not what the score is saying..." Blocking out the bickering and staring down at his phone, Marvin looks anxiously at the added number, the name Whizzer glaring at him from the screen. He had been surprised when Whizzer had given it to him, even though Marvin was the one who asked for it (the sex, as rushed and crowded as it was being in a bathroom stall, was still mind-blowing—enough so that Marvin would suffer driving two hours into this town to have it again). Whizzer Brown. Weird, probably fake name, but the guy did have a tight— 

"Whizzer Brown has nothing on James Price!" Jason says, snapping Marvin out of his daydream.

"What did you say?" Because how could Jason have found out? He'd been so careful. Oh fuck, how did—

"It's true," Jason argues after a beat, looking suspiciously at Marvin for his sudden interest, "Whizzer is a great pitcher and all, but his batting average is—"

"Whizzer Brown?" Marvin repeats dumbly again, "How do you know him?"

"He's a player on the other team," Jason says exasperatedly, pointing into the field, "He's pitching, see?"

For the first time, Marvin looks onto the field, squinting and making out a familiar form with a fit, lithe body and soft-looking hair and a dangerous smile easily interchangeable with a sneer...

Oh.

"Whizzer Brown is a baseball player." Marvin says faintly, surprised he's able to get that much out.

"But we don't like him," Jason tells him hurriedly, "We're for the other team. The home team." After a pause, he squints at Marvin's stricken face, "What's wrong with you?"

I had sex with him in the men's bathroom last night.

"Nothing," Marvin persists with a cough, rubbing the back of his neck, "It's just the, uh—the pitcher's very...handsome."

Jason rolls his eyes, "Dad, come on. Gross."

"He definitely got some action last night." The other kid says, with a leer too old for him, "I bet she was smoking hot, too." Marvin follows the other kid's line of sight and sees purple bruises the shape of Marvin's mouth decorating the side of Whizzer's neck.

Marvin is torn between feeling shame for sleeping with a player from the team Jason hates, disgust at himself for sleeping with a baseball player period, and an odd sense of pride because after all, he is a celebrity, isn't he? Albeit a celebrity from a barbaric, boring sport, but. Still.

Marvin pays more attention in the last half of the game than he's ever had. He bombards Jason with questions about scoring and positions and just what the hell is happening right now, which Jason all answers with a confused but nonetheless pleased smile. Marvin doesn't have the heart to tell him that he's more interested in a certain player than the game itself.  

[yellow401]

In His Defense, Evan Already Hated Himself

I remember the first time I listened to Dear Evan Hansen, really listened. Up to that point, I had heard snatches of it here and there. It sounded catchy, but I was under the impression that it was a bit too first-world-problemsy for my taste. Oh, no, an angsty teenager is angsty! More touchy-feely musical theater that wouldn't interest me.

I'm not a huge musical theater listener, but my wife does have a couple of Pandora channels that delve into modern musicals (don't knock doing family history to the Hamilton mixtape 'til you've tried it). So it was that one day when my house was unusually quiet (the children not being at home) I was in the room when "Waving through a Window" came on Pandora. I listened:

 I've learned to slam on the brake

Before I even turn the key

Before I make the mistake

Before I lead with the worst of me

 and I thought, oh no. Oh no. I like this. I really, really like this.

Give them no reason to stare

No slippin’ up if you slip away

So I got nothin’ to share

No, I got nothin’ to say

I was unmade. I was not okay. If Dear Evan Hansen was too first-world-problemsy, then so was I, because Evan Hansen's problems were my problems. I identified with Evan Hansen on a level I wasn't comfortable with. I wasn't okay for days. This was middle-school me, sung by someone with a much better vocal range than I had, but it was exactly how I felt. Exactly. And I suddenly understood why so many people were going cuckoo for this musical. Because I was hooked.

I listened obsessively to the music. I wept. I apologized to my family for not treating them well enough. I've referenced it every time social anxiety comes up in conversation. It's been go-to listening for me when I'm in a bad mood ever since. It speaks to a part of me that I didn't know still existed. I've since graduated high school, and college twice; I successfully interact with scores of people each day at work. I can have the whole room in stitches when the mood is right. I regularly teach classes and give talks at church. I have three kids, a house, and a minivan, and we go to CostCo in our minivan, and I wonder what happened to my life as I'm loading boxes into the back of the minivan--but underneath all that, it turns out, is still a scared, socially anxious teenage boy. I've learned to deal with him, even befriend him, but he's still there, and Evan Hansen's words might as well be his. I didn't realize he was still there, but I feel more whole now that I can recognize that fact.

Because, for me, Dear Evan Hansen is ultimately a story about healing and forgiveness. In explaining why, I'm spoiling everything but the last thing--so if you aren't familiar with the plot, you could go listen to the music for free on the official Dear Evan Hansen YouTube channel. That's a good start.

When Connor Murphy tragically takes his own life at the beginning of his senior year in high school, Evan Hansen must overcome his crippling social anxiety and self-doubt to make sure his best friend's life is not forgotten. Nobody knew Connor and Evan were friends, but after Connor's family finds a note to Evan in his pocket and Connor's name written on Evan's cast, they learn the story and welcome Evan into their lives. With his friends Jared and Alana, Evan launches the Connor Project, a school-wide initiative dedicated to preserving Connor's memory. Evan speaks at the school assembly about how Connor was there for him when he broke his arm the previous summer. His story goes viral, softening hearts and driving home the message to people all over the country that no one ever has to be alone, or as the song puts it, "You Will Be Found." Evan gains confidence, finds love, and learns that he matters—he can make a positive difference in the world.

Except that it was all a lie. Connor and Evan weren't friends at all. A set of unfortunate coincidences combined with Evan's abject inability to stick up for himself leads to ever more convoluted manipulations of reality. The suicide note Connor's family found? A therapy letter from Evan to himself. Connor being there for Evan and taking him to the hospital after he fell? Nope—Evan was alone, and his boss drove him. And so it goes—Evan digs himself deeper and deeper; the cracks begin to show in his story and he becomes increasingly desperate to hang onto what he has gained. His efforts backfire: the original "suicide note" gets shared online, prompting a frightening internet backlash against the Murphys.

Evan finally comes clean to the Murphys in the song "Words Fail." He makes a last-ditch effort to explain why he let the lie go on for so long: he wanted to be part of the Murphys' perfect family.

I guess . . . I thought I could be part of this

I never had this kind of thing before

I never had the perfect girl who

Somehow could see the good part of me

I never had the dad who stuck it out

No corny jokes or baseball gloves

No mom who just was there

‘Cause mom was all that she had to be

This hail Mary fails utterly—the Murphys all walk out without saying a word. It is here that some critics have taken issue with the story, because they believe Evan got off far too easy. There is no retaliation, no public humiliation in store for Evan Hansen, just silence and loneliness. Evan manipulated the lives of Connor's grieving family for his own benefit, including dating Connor's sister, Zoe, on whom he's always had a crush. He manipulated the sympathy of other students and many people on the internet for his own fame and gain. He ruined his relationship with his hardworking single mother because he wanted something better. And his defense for this is that he didn't come from a loving, stable, two-parent household? That's it? Screw you, Evan. And screw all the fans of the show for being taken in by all this.

I understand where these critics are coming from, but I think they are wrong. I think this is because they hate themselves insufficiently to truly understand Evan Hansen.

Previous to his confession to the Murphy family, Evan has been conversing with the demons in his head via Imaginary!Connor, who has visited him before under happier circumstances. Connor mocks Evan's desire to come clean, stating that Evan can't even be honest with himself and reminding Evan that if he confesses, he will lose everything he has gained by lying. He will be all alone. And indeed, when the Murphys all wordlessly walk away from Evan's confession, the light slowly goes out on Connor as well, and Evan is left alone onstage to finally indulge his self-hatred.

I use the word "indulge" deliberately, because it matches my own experience. In our society, we are often encouraged to "stay positive" and to "believe in yourself." There are expectations that we will react positively to certain events deemed "good" and negatively to others deemed "bad." These expectations are not in and of themselves evil, but can break us as it is simultaneously exhausting to keep up appearances and unrewarding to be honest about our situation. For example, last year when we found out we were expecting a child, the traditional response was presumed to be one of joy. But we were also worried because the doctors had identified potentially life-threatening complications with the baby. It ultimately became too tiring for me to pretend to be excited about the baby or explain away why I wasn't, so I wrote a sappy email to my co-workers explaining some things. And it was awkward, and I'm sure it was TMI, but it was much easier emotionally after that, because I didn't have to pretend anymore.

Easy for me to say. But Evan is seventeen and has been pretending one way or another for most of the show while hiding his true insecurities and dark feelings from a world he has found through experience will be unsympathetic. After all the whirlwind of emotions and changing relationships as Evan became someone he wasn't, after ignoring all the lingering feelings of guilt and inventing ever-more-complex fixes for growing inconsistencies, after being "encouraged" to be positive by his mom and lifted up as a viral example to a fickle society, it must feel good to let it all fall away and just sit and HATE himself for a while.

Because here's the thing. Evan already felt that way about himself.

Make no mistake, Evan has effed up pretty bad by this point. But all this is just that he has found a particularly good reason to hate himself today. Even if he hadn't been involved in a large-scale deception involving the family of a classmate who took his own life, he would have found some minor error to loathe himself about. The lines

I never meant to make it such a mess

I never thought that it would go this far

could have been sung, for all we know, about the fact that he had an awkward conversation with Zoe at the beginning of the show. I know I've beaten myself up at length before for things that would be embarrassing to admit because of their triviality. I have practiced no large-scale deception, but the other day at work when I was discussing an upcoming unpopular decision, I sardonically said, "I've spent some time alone in the dark thinking about this," and one of my employees said, "Calm down, Evan Hansen."

So Evan is left alone in the dark to sing his anthem to self-loathing:

This was just a sad invention

It wasn't real, I know

But we were happy

I guess I couldn't let that go

I guess I couldn't give that up

I guess I wanted to believe

'Cause if I just believe

Then I don't have to see what's really there.

No, I'd rather

Pretend I'm something better than these broken parts

Pretend I'm something other than this MESS that I am,

'Cause then I don't have to look at it

and NO ONE gets to look at it

No, no one can really see

including a devastating reprise of the words he sang at the beginning, with soft piano and guitar-as-percussion replaced by passionate strings and devastating silence:

'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake

Before I even turn the key,

Before I make the mistake,

Before I lead with the WORST of me.

I never let them see the worst of me!

'Cause what if ev’ryone saw?

What if ev’ryone knew?

Would they like what they saw?

Or would they hate it too?

(emphasis Ben Platt's)

All has come crashing down. "The mistake" is no longer an abstract concept. It's just as he feared, just as the Connor in his head warned him. Or is it? At the end of "Words Fail," Evan finally confronts his real self:

Will I just keep on running away from what's true?

All I ever do is run

So how do I step in

Step into the sun?

Step into the sun

Evan goes home, where it turns out the demons in his head were wrong about one thing. Evan's not alone. His mom is there, and she's figured everything out. But despite Evan's asserted fear to the contrary, she's not mad at him. In fact, she apologizes for not being there for him when he most needed her. She sings him a song about the day his dad left, ten years before—a song that would make me ugly cry even if I'd just been handed a check for ten million dollars. (As an eclectic pal of mine remarked, "What do [people] mean, 'He got off too easy?' He's been punishing himself for the last ten years!") She promises him this will one day all seem like a distant memory. Evan just walks away, as she says, "You'll see. I promise."

So begins the redemption of Evan Hansen. Most of the rest of his redemption is shown off-camera, because it's not actually all that important just how it happens. There are plenty of other stories about how someone is redeemed, and we can assume it was heavy work for Evan to confront his demons and face life as a real person instead of a constructed one. Rather, we are granted a glimpse into life a year later that shows evidence of progress, but also an act of forgiveness. Because forgiveness, as I mentioned 1,666 words ago, was actually the point.

It's clear from Evan and Zoe's conversation that it's been a hard year—they both admit it out loud; Evan hasn't been on speaking terms with the Murphys since his confession; he's never even seen the orchard he spent so much time talking about earlier in the story.

But there's also evidence of progress. Though Evan is feeling a range of emotions here, being intimidated by Zoe isn't one of them. Their conversation is bracingly honest. Evan's working in retail—so much for social anxiety! And when he starts another therapy assignment, the letter he writes is as to a friend: ". . . today, you're you . . . And that's . . . that's enough." He's clearly not done progressing, but he accepts himself, which was unthinkable at the beginning.

None of this should really be a surprise. Even in middle of all the lies, the fear Evan overcame when he spoke to the school assembly was real, and the relationships he formed were real while they lasted. The message of hope he shared resonated with thousands because it is, in fact, a message many of us need. Even though it didn't go well, he's been able to stand up to people, including the "voices in [his] head." Even in the midst of his despair, Evan has grown and can find new strength to stand.

And it is enough, honestly, that Evan's progressing, because who didn't have something to regret or move on from, here? Larry and Cynthia Murphy, whose marriage was on the rocks and who were deferring their guilt over the loss of their son by replacing him with Evan? Heidi Hansen, who flaked out on her son so many times he's not even surprised by it anymore? Jared and Alana, who each had their own personal reasons for prodding Evan further down the path he was on?

No, I'll tell you who—Zoe. Zoe, who got treated like trash by her brother and was told that it was she who needed to be more “constructive” with him; Zoe, who reached out to loser Evan in compassion when he got shoved to the ground; Zoe, who forgave her brother as soon as Evan mentioned that they said nice things about her; Zoe, who assured Evan that he was relationship material even as he apologized for apologizing. There's a poignant irony in the fact that Evan spent the whole show trying to build up Connor, who shoved him to the ground, who freaked out at his therapy note, as a nice guy, as his secret best friend; but it's ultimately Zoe, who was only ever good to Evan and who was truly hurt by his lies, who shows Evan the orchard, who tells him that everything turned out all right in the end. It's a small glimpse, but Zoe's act of forgiveness toward Evan ultimately shows us that everything can turn out okay.

If there's a moral to the story for me, it's that everything turned out all right—but maybe it didn't have to happen at all. It's hard to imagine how Evan would have gotten himself out of the mess he was in, knowing what we know about him, but we aren't him; we don't have to be him. We can stick up for ourselves. We can speak the truth, even when someone desperately wants it to not be true. We can take a good, long look at ourselves and accept ourselves for who we are—and we can work to change ourselves and our circumstances rather than simply pretending to be something we're not. Unfortunately, it won't be enough to "just believe [we] can be who [we] want to be," but it will be infinitely better in the end when we do achieve lasting improvements in our lives.

And we can reach out to the Evans in our lives. It turns out that, as much as teenage me identifies with Evan Hansen, 34-year-old me is closer to Heidi. I have three beautiful children that miss me when I'm not home and pester me when I'm on my phone. I can "just gimme a minute" my son out of playing a game together until it's past bedtime unless I consciously make an effort not to. The stresses of my day don't matter to my kids. They just need to be loved (and put back to bed 1,000 times, which is an expression of my love for them, I guess). I am, against all probability, a leader in my own congregation, and the responsibility is partly mine to help these people feel God's love and understand they don't need to be a different person to be a better person. I'm not a licensed therapist, but people do ask my advice about being gay and a Latter-day Saint, and I hope I'm helping them get their questions answered in such a way that they loathe themselves, maybe, a bit less when we're through. I've received much and now I must give much, probably for the rest of my life.

When I hear Evan sing "And oh, someone will come running," I weep inwardly with weariness at the thought that I have to be the one who comes running, and that there are so many people "broken on the ground." And then I have to look at myself honestly, make sure I am not "[running] faster than [I have] strength (Mosiah 4:27)." What can I do? So little. But it's something. "And that's . . . that's enough."

(Thank you, Evan Hansen.)

[beardedchrisevans]

CHRIS EVANS IS READY TO FIGHT His success as captain america has made Chris Evans one of Hollywood's sure things, which means he can do whatever he wants with his free time. So why jump out of airplanes and get into it with David Duke?

The Canadian commandos are the first to jump. Our plane reaches an altitude of about eight thousand feet; the back door opens. Although it's a warm winter day below in rural southern California, up here, not so much. In whooshes freezing air and the cold reality that this is actually happening. Out drop the eight commandos, all in black-and-red camouflage, one after the other. For them it's a training exercise, and Jesus, these crazy bastards are stoked. The last Canuck to exit into the nothingness is a freakishly tall stud with a crew cut and a handlebar mustache; just before he leaps, he flashes a smile our way. Yeah, yeah, we get it: You're a badass.

Moments later, the plane's at ten thousand feet, and the next to go are a Middle Eastern couple in their late thirties. These two can't wait. They are ecstatic. Skydiving is clearly a thing for them. Why? I can't help thinking. Is it like foreplay? Do they rush off to the car after landing and get it on in the parking lot? They give us the thumbs-up and they're gone.

Just like that, we're at 12,500 feet and it's our turn. Me and Chris Evans, recognized throughout the universe as the star of the Marvel-comic-book-inspired Captain America and Avengers movies. The five films in the series, which began in 2011 with Captain America: The First Avenger, have grossed more than $4 billion.

The two of us, plus four crew members, are the only ones left in the back of the plane. Over the loud drone of the twin propellers, one of the crew members shouts, "Okay, who's going first?"

Evans and I are seated on benches opposite each other. Neither of us answers. I look at him; he looks at me. I feel like I've swallowed a live rat. Evans is over there, all Captain America cool, smiling away.

While we were waiting to board the plane, Evans told me that as he lay in bed the night before, "I started exploring the sensation of 'What if the chute doesn't open?'. . ."

Oh, did you now?

". . .Those last minutes where you know." As in you know you're going to fatally splat. "You're not gonna pass out; you're gonna be wide awake. So what? Do I close my eyes? Hopefully, it would be quick. Lights out. I fucking hope it would be quick. And then I was like, if you're gonna do it, let's just pretend there is no way this is going to go wrong. Just really embrace it and jump out of that plane with gusto." Evans also shared that he'd looked up the rate of skydiving fatalities. "It's, like, 0.006 fatalities per one thousand jumps. So I figure our odds are pretty good."

Again the crew member shouts, "Who's going first?"

Again I look at Evans; again he looks at me. The rat is running circles in my belly.

I look at Evans; he looks at me.

Another crew member asks, "So whose idea was this, anyway?"

That's an excellent question.

I ask Evans the same thing when we first meet, the evening before our jump, at his house. He lives atop the Hollywood Hills, in a modern-contemporary ranch in the center of a Japanese-style garden. The place has the vibe of an L.A. meditation retreat—there's even a little Buddha statue on the front step.

The dude who opens the front door is in jeans, a T-shirt, and Nikes; he has on a black ball cap with the NASA logo, and his beard is substantial enough that for a second it's hard to be sure this is the same guy who plays the baby-faced superhero. Our handshake in the doorway is interrupted when his dog rockets toward my crotch. Evans is sorry about that.

We do the small-talk thing. Evans is from a suburb of Boston, one of four kids raised by Dad, a dentist, and Mom, who ran a community theater. The point is, he's a Patriots fan, and with Super Bowl LI, between the Pats and the Falcons, just a few days away at the time, it's about the only thing on his mind. You bet your Sam Adams–guzzling ass he's going to the game in Houston. "Oh my God," he says, doing a little dance. "I can't believe it's this weekend."

Like any self-respecting Pats fan, Evans is super-wicked pissed at NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

Evans won't be rolling to SB LI with a posse of Beantown-to-Hollywood A-listers like Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, and Ben Affleck. For the record, he's never met Damon, and his only interaction with Wahlberg was a couple years ago at a Patriots event. Evans has, however, humiliated himself in front of Affleck.

Around 2006, Evans met with Affleck to talk about Gone Baby Gone, which Affleck was directing. Evans was walking down a hallway, looking for the room where they were supposed to meet. Walking by an open office, he heard Affleck, in that thick Boston accent of his, shout, "There he is!" (Evans does a perfect Affleck impersonation.)

By then, Evans had hit the big time for his turn as the Human Torch, Johnny Storm, in 2005's Fantastic Four, but he still got starstruck. As he tells it, "First thing I say to him: 'Am I going to be okay where I parked?' He was like, 'Where did you park?' I said, 'At a meter.' And he was like, 'Did you put money in the meter?' And I said, 'Yep.' And he says, 'Well, I think you'll be okay.' I was like, this is off to a great fucking start." Stating the obvious here: Evans did not get the part.

No, Evans will be heading to the Super Bowl with his brother and three of his closest buddies. Like any self-respecting Pats fan, Evans is super-wicked pissed at NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for imposing that suspension on Tom Brady for Deflategate. Grabbing two beers from a fridge that's otherwise basically empty, Evans says, "I just want to see Goodell hand the trophy to Brady. Goodell. Piece of shit."

In Evans's living room, there's not a single hint of his Captain Americaness. Earth tones, tables that appear to be made of reclaimed wood. Open. Uncluttered. Glass doors open onto a backyard with a stunning view of the Hills. Evans stretches out on one of two couches. I take the other and ask, "Just whose idea was it to jump?" Since we both know whose idea it wasn't, we both know that what I'm really asking is Why? Why, dude, do you want to jump (with me) from a goddamn airplane? "Yeah," he says, popping open his beer, "I don't know what I was thinking."

Settling in on the couch, he groans. Evans explains that he's hurting all over because he just started his workout routine the day before to get in shape for the next two Captain America films. The movies will be shot back to back beginning in April. After that, no more red- white-and-blue costume for the thirty-five-year-old. He will have fulfilled his contract.

"Yeah," he says, popping open his beer, "I don't know what I was thinking."

Back in 2010, Marvel presented Evans with a nine-picture deal. He insisted he'd sign on for no more than six. Some family members thought he was nuts to dial back such a secure and lucrative gig. Evans saw it differently.

It takes five months to shoot a Marvel movie, and when you tack on the promotional obligations for each one, well, shit, man. Evans knew that for as long as he was bound to Captain America, he would have little time to take on other projects. He wanted to direct, he wanted to play other characters—roles that were more human—like the lead in Gifted, which will hit theaters this month. The script had brought him to tears. Evans managed to squeeze the movie in between Captain America and Avengers films.

In Gifted, Evans stars as Frank Adler. You don't get much more human than Adler, a grease-under-his-nails boat-engine mechanic living the bachelor life in Florida. After a series of tragic circumstances, Adler becomes a surrogate father to his niece, Mary, a first-grader with the IQ of Einstein. He recognizes that Mary is a little genius, and he does his best to prevent anyone else from noticing. Given the aforementioned circumstances, Adler has witnessed what can happen when a kid with a brilliant mind is pushed too hard too quickly. Then along comes Mary's teacher. She discovers the child's gift, and a Kramer vs. Kramer–esque drama ensues.

During a moment in the film when things aren't going Adler's way, he sarcastically refers to himself as a "fucking hero." Evans says the line didn't lead him to make comparisons between superhero Steve Rogers (aka Captain America) and Everyman hero Frank Adler. But now that you mention it . . . 

"With Steve Rogers," Evans says, "even though you're on a giant movie with a huge budget and strange costumes, you're still on a hunt for the truth of the character." That said, "with Adler, it's nice to play someone relatable. I think Julianne Moore said, 'The audience doesn't come to see you; they come to see themselves.' Adler is someone you can hold up as a mirror for someone in the audience. They'll be able to far more easily identify with Frank Adler than Steve Rogers."

Dodger. That's the name of Evans's dog, the one who headbutted my nuts and has since done a marvelous job of making amends by nuzzling against me on the couch. Evans got him while he was filming Gifted; one of the last scenes was shot in an animal shelter in Georgia. Evans had wanted a dog ever since his last pooch died in 2012. Then he found himself walking the aisles of this pound, and there was this mixed-breed boxer, wagging his tail and looking like he belonged with Evans.

Dodger is not exactly a name you'd think a die-hard Boston sports fan would pick. His boys from back home have given him a ton of shit over it. But he has not abandoned his Red Sox for the L.A. team. As a kid, he loved the Disney animated movie Oliver & Company, and his favorite character was Dodger. Anticipating the grief he was going to get from his pals, Evans considered other names. "You could name your dog Doorknob," he says, "and in a month he's fucking Doorknob." Evans's mom convinced him to go with his gut.

Right around when Evans was wrapping Gifted and heading back to L.A. with Dodger, the 2016 presidential campaign was still in that phase when no one, including the actor—a Hillary Clinton supporter—thought Trump had a shot. He still can't believe Trump won.

"I feel rage," he says. "I feel fury. It's unbelievable. People were just so desperate to hear someone say that someone is to blame. They were just so happy to hear that someone was angry. Hear someone say that Washington sucks. They just want something new without actually understanding. I mean, guys like Steve Bannon—Steve Bannon!—this man has no place in politics."

Evans has made, and continues to make, his political views known on Twitter. He tweeted that Trump ought to "stop energizing lies," and he recently ended up in a heated Twitter debate with former KKK leader David Duke over Trump's pick of Jeff Sessions for attorney general. Duke baselessly accused Evans of being anti-Semitic; Evans encouraged Duke to try love: "It's stronger than hate. It unites us. I promise it's in you under the anger and fear." Making political statements and engaging in such public exchanges is a rather risky thing for the star of Captain America to do. Yes, advisors have said as much to him. "Look, I'm in a business where you've got to sell tickets," he says. "But, my God, I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror if I felt strongly about something and didn't speak up. I think it's about how you speak up. We're allowed to disagree. If I state my case and people don't want to go see my movies as a result, I'm okay with that."

Trump. Bannon. Politics. Now Evans is animated. He gets off the couch, walks out onto his porch, and lights a cigarette. "Some people say, 'Don't you see what's happening? It's time to yell,' " Evans says. "Yeah, I see it, and it's time for calm. Because not everyone who voted for Trump is going to be some horrible bigot. There are a lot of people in that middle; those are the people you can't lose your credibility with. If you're trying to change minds, by spewing too much rhetoric you can easily become white noise."

Evans has a pretty remarkable "How I got to Hollywood" story.

During his junior year of high school, he knew he wanted to act. He was doing it a lot. In school. At his mom's theater. He loved it. "When you're doing a play at thirteen years old and have opening night? None of my friends had opening nights. 'I can't have a sleepover, guys; I have an opening night tonight.' "

That same year, he did a two-man play. For all of the twenty-plus plays Evans had done up to that point, preparation meant going home, memorizing lines, and doing a few run-throughs with the cast. However, for this play, Fallen Star, he and his costar would rehearse by running dialogue with each other. Hour upon hour, night after night.

Fallen Star is about two friends, one of whom has just died. As the play opens, one of the characters comes home after the funeral to find his dead friend's ghost. Evans was the ghost. Waiting backstage on opening night, he knew he didn't have every line memorized, but he had the essence and emotion of the play down. Onstage, he remembers, "I was saying the lines not because they were memorized but because the play was in me. I was believing what I was saying."

He was hooked. He wanted to do more of this kind of acting—real acting. He wanted to do films, in which the camera was right on him and he could just be the character, rather than theater, in which an actor must perform to the back of the room.

A family friend who was a television actor advised Evans that if he wanted to go to Hollywood, he needed an agent. Toward the end of his junior year, he had a ballsy request for his parents: If he found an internship with a casting agent in New York City, would they allow him to live there and cover the rent? They agreed. Evans landed a gig with Bonnie Finnegan, who was then working on the television show Spin City.

"I just fucked off. I lost my virginity that year. 1999 was one of the best years of my life." Until it wasn't.

Evans chose to intern with a casting agent because he figured he had more of a chance to interact with other agents trying to get auditions for their clients.

The kid was sixteen years old.

Finnegan put Evans on the phone; his responsibilities included setting up appointments for auditions. By the end of the summer, he picked the three agents he had the best rapport with and asked each of them to give him a five-minute audition. All three said yes. After seeing his audition, all three were interested.

Evans went with the one Finnegan recommended, Bret Adams, who told Evans to return to New York for auditions in January, television pilot season. Back home, Evans doubled up on a few classes the first semester of his senior year, graduated early, and went back to New York in January. He got the same shithole apartment in Brooklyn and the same internship with Finnegan. He landed a part on the pilot Opposite Sex. Even better, the show got picked up and would start shooting in L.A. that fall.

"I know I'm going to L.A. in August," Evans says, recalling that period. "So I go home and that spring I would wake up around noon, saunter into high school just to see my buddies, and we'd go get high in the parking lot. I just fucked off. I lost my virginity that year. 1999 was one of the best years of my life." Until it wasn't.

He wasn't in L.A. for even a month when he got a call from home. His parents were divorcing. Evans never saw it coming.

Family and love and the struggles therein are part of what attracted Evans to Gifted.

"In my own life, I have a deep connection with my family and the value of those bonds," he says. "I've always loved stories about people who put their families before themselves. It's such a noble endeavor. You can't choose your family, as opposed to friends. Especially in L.A. You really get to see how friendships are put to the test; it stirs everyone's egos. But if something goes south with a friend, you have the option to say we're not friends anymore. Your family—that's your family. Trying to make that system work and trying to make it not just functional but actually enjoyable is a really challenging endeavor, and that's certainly how it is with my family."

In the plane, a decision is made.

"I want to see you jump first," Evans shouts my way.

Of course he does.

Like any respectable and legal skydiving center, Skydive Perris, which is providing us with this "experience," doesn't just strap a chute on your back. First, you go to a room for a period of instruction. Then you go to another room, where you sign away your rights.

You may be wondering how the star of a billion-dollar franchise with two pictures to shoot gets clearance to jump from an airplane—never mind the low rate of fatalities, as Evans has presented it. So am I.

"Well, they give you all these crazy insurance policies, but even if I die, what are they going to do? Sue my family? They'd probably cast some new guy at a cheaper price and save some money."

Thinking the answer is almost certainly going to be no, I ask Evans if he's ever gone skydiving before. Turns out he has, with an ex-girlfriend. Turns out that ex-girlfriend is now married to Justin Timberlake. Evans and Jessica Biel dated off and on from 2001 to 2006. They took the leap together when Biel hatched the idea for one Valentine's Day. According to media accounts, Evans was recently dating his Gifted costar Jenny Slate, who plays the teacher. "Yeah," he says, "but I'm steering clear of those questions." You can almost feel his heart pinch.

"There's a certain shared life experience that is tough for someone else who's not in this industry to kind of wrap their head around."

We end up broadly discussing the unique challenges an international star like Evans faces when it comes to dating, specifically the trust factor. Evans supposes that's why so many actors date other actors: "There's a certain shared life experience that is tough for someone else who's not in this industry to kind of wrap their head around," he says. "Letting someone go to work with someone for three months and they won't see them. It really, it certainly puts the relationship to the test."

In Gifted, there's a moment when Slate's character asks Adler what his greatest fear is. Frank Adler's greatest fear is that he'll ruin his niece's life. Evans's greatest fear is having regrets.

"Like always kind of wanting to be there as opposed to here. I think I'm worried all of a sudden I'll get old and have regrets, realize that I've not cultivated enough of an appreciation for the now and surrendering to the present moment."

Evans's musings have something to do with the fact that he has been reading The Surrender Experiment. "It's about the basic notion that we are only in a good mood when things are going our way," he says. "The truth is, life is going to unfold as it's going to unfold regardless of your input. If you are an active participant in that awareness, life kind of washes over you, good or bad. You kind of become Teflon a little bit to the struggles that we self-inflict."

He continues: "Our conscious minds are very spread out. We worry about the past. We worry about the future. We label. And all of that stuff just makes us very separate. What I'm trying to do is just quiet it down. Put that brain down from time to time and hope those periods of quiet and stillness get longer. When you do that, what rises from the mist is a kind of surrendering. You're more connected as opposed to being separate. A lot of the questions about destiny or fate or purpose or any of that stuff—it's not like you get answers. You just realize you didn't need the questions."

This here—this stuff about surrendering, letting life unfold, taking the leap—this is why he wanted to go skydiving. It's why that sixteen-year-old took the leap and did the summer in New York; it's why he took the leap and turned down the nine-picture deal; it's why he got Dodger. Surrender. Take the leap.

And so I go first.

Oh, one important detail: Novice jumpers like Evans and me, we don't jump solo. Thank God. Each of us is doing a tandem jump. Each of us is strapped with our back to a professional jumper's front. I'm strapped to a forty-four-year-old dude named Paul. Considering what's about to happen, I figure I should know a little something about Paul. He tells me he used to own a bar in Chicago. Evans is strapped to a young woman named Sam, who looks to be twenty-something. She's got a purplish-pink streak in her black hair and says things like "badass." In fact, Sam introduced herself  by saying, "I'm Sam, but you can call me Badass."

At the plane's open door, my mind goes to my wife and two teenage sons, to those I love, and to the texts I just sent in case my chute fails. Then Paul and I—well, really mostly Paul—rock gently back and forth to build momentum to push away from the plane, to push away from all that seems sane.

Three.

Two.

One.

Holy fuck.

HOLY FUCK. This is what I scream as we free-fall from 12,500 feet, at more than a hundred miles an hour, toward the earth. Which I cannot take my eyes off of. I think about nothing. Not living. Not dying. Nothing. I simply feel . . . I have let go.

Suddenly, it all stops. I'm jerked up. Paul has pulled the chute, and it does indeed open. This is fantastic, because it means we have a much better chance of not dying. But it's also kind of a bummer. I had let go. Of everything. I had chosen to play those odds Evans had talked about. I had embraced jumping and letting life unfold.

Now I had been jerked back. I would land. Back on the earth I had been so high above and from which I had been so far removed. Back in all of it.

Once I'm on the ground, safe and in one piece, a staffer runs over and asks how I feel. I say, "I feel like Captain America."

The staffer runs over and asks Evans the same question. He says he feels great. Then he's asked another question: What was your favorite part?

"Jumping out," he says. "Jumping out is always a real thrill."

This article appears in the April '17 issue of Esquire.

[kuciradio]

SXSW - Madame Gandhi Interview

Interview and photos by Shay Mehr

SM: So recently I feel like you’ve been pretty busy. Could you just tell us a little a bit about what you’ve been doing? Maybe just gives us highlights or something like that?

MG: Totally, I always say that my mission is to elevate and celebrate the female voice so therefore anything I can do that can achieve that I’ll do it. And so, that can mean giving a talk, it can mean meeting with young girls, it can mean giving a show. And I think right now under the Trump administration the female voice has been quieted more so than it has in a very long time. And so, that given just enormous meaning to my work therefore keeping me very busy so recently I've spoken with some girls at Girl Up, which is a foundation, a UN foundation. I did that in LA. I mean every day there’s something. Last week I did a did a big fundraiser in Los Angeles called Bleeding where I had DJs perform all night and then I gave anyone came to the dance party the option to pay 10 dollars or to donate menstrual products at the door and we took all that money and those products and then donated them to homeless women on skid row in Los Angeles who live down the street. Those are the kinds of examples of some of the events that I'm doing.

SM: Yeah I just noticed so much different stuff I saw, all those on your Facebook feed as well. So, I was thinking you must be running around everywhere.

MG: I think I feel lucky because I'm really just living- every moment I'm living my life's passion. You know, I really that feel that way so then it ends serving as the fuel for my work I think it's you have to run around and do stuff that you don't want to be doing you'll eventually stop because you'll run out of fuel. But I think what I tell others is that my job isn’t to get you to play the drums or to you know be a leader in feminist activism, my job is just to get you to find whatever it is that you do to use that to mobilize to make the world a better place.

SM: So, speaking of the feminism stuff basically you're pretty well known as the free bleeding London marathon runner and I saw you speak at the UC radio network and you talked how people don't always place…you should be careful about when you speak when you speak to people about their identity right because they don't always place gender as the top thing. For you I don’t know...I want to know first of all if you do place gender as your first identifying thing.

MG: I do absolutely, absolutely.

SM: And then what kind of sparked you to be begin being such like a fierce feminist?

MG: It's just been in my bones since I was a kid, you know? It usually I was I think pop culture was really what was. For me I noticed that as a kid I was most influenced in and my gender roles were most shaped by Disney films, by Spice Girls, by the Power Rangers truly. And so, when I started a kid not really vibing with the options in pop culture that were available to girls that’s when I sort of intuitively knew something was wrong. I thought it was really unfair that, for example, that Aladdin gets to be on the magic carpet and flying around saving everybody, but then Jasmine, even though she's a princess, is the one who needs saving. She rarely had her own agency. Or even in the Power Rangers it's the same thing how the boys tended to be the leaders of the girls. You know the plot line for the girls was often about their breaks up and how sad they were. So, it's like as a kid I didn't relate to that. I thought where are those strong female characters that I see my mom I see now I knew so many bad ass woman just as young kid that are not reflected in pop culture. And so even though I wasn't able to quite explain it like that as a kid I knew something was up. I remember even being on a tennis court as like a 6-year-old with a bunch of boys and kind of getting pushed around or they would call girly as an insult. Wow being a girl is like a good thing and I used to say the word feminism and I remember like being on a tennis court once just screaming feminism like I sort of knew what it meant. I knew it was gender equality so that's how.

SM: That's incredibly intuitive and conscious for a young person I would say.

MG: My parents are very woke.

SM: I imagine so because that's pretty conscious for anyone... I don't know... under ten for sure. Whatever generation you are, maybe ten years old now are more woke but I think –uh- for us that's pretty conscious. Anyways so what got you interested in drums then? How did you pick up drums?

MG: I had already been doing other things like singing and playing piano but I was like around 8-9 years old I went to a summer camp for sports, it was in Maine, but every option the counselors knew forced the campers to do a lake activity and I really didn't like swimming, I didn’t like being in the water, I didn’t like kayaking all that stuff at the time. I remember sneaking away to the theater cabin and when I got into the theater cabin I was just trying to hide for the rest of the afternoon, I saw a drum set there and it really inspired me so I sat at it and I started kind playing around and then was a maintenance man in the uh theater cabin and I thought he was going turn me in for sure and force me to go swimming but it turned out that he was a drummer and so he started teaching me how to play drums it was so cool. So, every day that summer I just got to hang out with him and learning how to play and I got better at it really fast. I think the things that attracted me to it were the fact that it's just rare to see anyone playing the drums let along a girl. I definitely liked the fact that it felt rebellious, that it felt like very girl power. I also loved the fact that it was more self-expressive than a melodic instrument, at least the way I was taught melodic instruments. Usually as a kid you're like taught how to play a song and if you haven't learned the song perfectly, you hit one note it’s wrong. Whereas with the drums you hit the left cymbal versus the right cymbal, you play the fill on these two toms versus those two toms no one’s going say anything you know. You can use self-expression how you want to play a lot of times and I really love those elements of it. My parents were really encouraging I stayed with it.

SM: Yeah I had to learn piano like most children and I always hated that I had to play someone else's stuff.

MG: Exactly we're not taught how to express ourselves.

SM: Yeah and it's just less fun for whatever reason, not always but a lot of the time.

MG: Well right now I'm learning again the piano. I wish, I would have loved it if I was taught the basics then go ahead and form my own self-expression as opposed to just regurgitating everybody else.

SM: Which is totally not the case everyone learns classic pieces and note by note as you said. As a female musician, have you faced any obstacles that are blatant to you that you notice and do you think those things are things that can be remedied as well are they exclusive to the music industry?

MG: I think there’s definitely misogyny. One interesting thing that I notice is that if I dress particularly more fem people tend to immediately take you less seriously. It's just so problematic. Like I remember doing a DJ set in Germany and they really wanted me to … they gave me a couple of clothing options and there was this one cool dress that came with a jacket and I rarely wear dresses but I wore the dress and so interesting I could just feel the vibe immediately people don’t take me seriously or they have really low expectations they just kind of think it's not really going to go that well. Whereas when I present more androgynously or the clothing that I wear is more comfortable, or more playful, or more artful and not necessarily fem in the very traditional context I tend to get taken a lot more seriously or at least I start from a higher platform and I think that's so unfair. I think if I've already picked up on that which is why… and luckily I tend to pick more interesting clothing which tends to not be very cookie cutter but I think it's unfair for those women who do what to express themselves in a very fem traditionally fem way that they're going to have a much more uphill battle than the rest of us because the norm is set by men.

So, I think one way is making sure that we dress comfortably for the stage and if that means wearing a dress then we go in anticipating the fact that maybe others can't take us as seriously and we have to be ready for that.

I think the other thing that we all could do is check our own inherent biases when we watch other people play whether they're men or women giving them a fair equal shot. I think there's been subtler sexism throughout my life someone not thinking that I know how to operate my own drums or people thinking that it's okay to make suggestions when I'm about to sound check as to like you know which cymbal I should use or which pedal I should use and it's like you wouldn't be going kind of guy musician regardless whether it’s a famous person like John Mayer or a random musician and telling them what to select for their own show. You know you wouldn't think that's it even okay to make that suggestion unless asked. Whereas I think with women people do think that’s welcome. So, I think those are some examples of subtle sexism that's frustrating and tend to distract you from just playing a great show.

SM: That's interesting that you said the DJ set provided you clothing. Did they do that for the men?

MG: Oh, actually I think they do. It was a just a cool thing because it was for Adidas.

SM: Oh, okay okay. I was like that's so weird.

MG: No, it was a wonderful thing and I was very grateful for my wonderful clothing, I chose that outfit there was tons of more sport clothing and I chose that outfit. That wasn’t bad at all, it was more of a social experiment. It wasn’t it my best set... uhm, neither but I could definitely feel the difference of me like jumping around performing in a dress. I could just feel the eyes on me are perceived differently than when I dress more masculine.

SM: Stephan and I notice that all the time with anyone we go out and see. A lot of the guys can look pretty just shabby and it's not a problem… and anyway …and it doesn't affect women’s perceptions of them as far as glorifying them iconically or their musical ability, neither thing. Okay so I'm really curious as to specifically what you hope to achieve with your music. And kind of wanted to talk to you a bit about the process that you go through. Because I know you keep things pretty simple and I kind of want to know the reasoning behind all that and how you get to those tracks you have out.

MG: My goal for my music is to write the sound track for a modern feminist movement. And my process is simple for the very reasons that the music that you hear are the skill sets that I have, the ability to sing, play the drums, and make electronic sounds and that's it. You know? I think I like the idea of the drums and vocals leading because those are how I have always articulated myself. And then I like that idea of working with people like my sound designer Alexia to create really unique sounds that can't be copied or mimicked because they're designed in the studio and that inspires me. I think some of the best artists just have this unique sound imprint where you could listen to any random song and you know it's just them because it has personality. So, in making strong choices that are simply based on your own capabilities that's how you guarantee that your music has original personality.

SM: So, that makes sense because I was wondering why-because I know other artists like Beyoncé will sample like big feminist speeches so I was curious as to why you hadn't gone that route, but that totally makes sense where it's pretty much self-expression having your own blue print doing things with the skills you have yourself. Right?

MG: I'm the one giving the speeches you know? In my shows, sometimes we'll sample other people for sure. But the actual music itself I think it would cheating to do that. I keep giving everybody advice to own their voice so I have to take my own advice and own my own voice, share my own perspective, contribute to the conversation.

SM: What does the future is female mean to you and what fulfills you?

MG: I'll answer the last question first, what fulfills me is when I have basic challenge for myself and I'm able to meet it. So, with my running if it’s setting a certain mileage. With my work stream, you know literally being like, “can you get through these ten emails?” If it's with teaching myself a new skill set musically, being able to achieve that skill set, like DJing. So, I think for me what motivates me and makes me feel fulfilled is when I set a challenge and achieve it. I think it's also about self-love, you know when we honor our own promises to ourselves, we build self-confidence we build self-trust we build self-love, which I think is a lot of work.

And then the future is female means that no longer will female qualities be subordinated to male qualities. The future is female means that we learn from the female archetype for our very survival. Develop alternative sources of leadership we right now learn so much from the men in our life but we have gone so far up the masculine hyper machismo spectrum when we look at Trump leadership, which is about brute force, not listening, ramming something through. Proving power with might and force as opposed to proving power by listening, by coming up with emotionally intelligent solutions by negotiating with respect. By trying to unlock value for both parties as opposed to just for one. And so, to me the future is female means that we look to the women in our life and their qualities and say how can we actually use those to build a brighter future.

[vitalmindandbody]

Josh Groban: how the dad perception became Broadway’s leading man

The singer with 20 m album auctions to his name has realized a daydream by making his Broadway debut starring in Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812

Last year might have been an annus horribilis for most, but for Josh Groban, 2016 couldnt going to go something better. The multiplatinum-selling singer-songwriter, who killed to fame as a girl, stimulated the transition to Broadway star after reaching his debut in the musical Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812.

A musical adjustment of 70pages of Tolstoys War and Peace, affectionately decreased to The Great Comet, caught Grobans attention when it was in residency at a custom-built supper club in downtown Manhattan. Hed been looking for a new musical programme and contacted individual producers to say his interest in working on the show.Fast-forward numerous months and Groban is starring on Broadway, singing( happily) and dancing( reluctantly) in eight renditions a week of a demo with nearly wall-to-wall rave reviews.

The Great Comet is his Broadway debut, but Groban is no stranger to the stage. When he was a child in Los Angeles, his mothers took him to the theater, and he was accepted into Carnegie Mellon Universitys musical theater program but put out of his freshman time after being offered a recording transaction by Warner Brother. Seven books and more than 20 m sales afterwards, Broadway was still on his attention, which was apparentwhen he starred in two concert makes of the musical Chess and then released Stages, an book of musical theater favourites that includes Bring Him Home from Les Misrables and Old Devil Moon from Finians Rainbow.

But none of the chants from Stages resemble melodies from The Great Comet, an electro-pop opera that boasts merely one line of sounds talk in its two-and-a-half-hour make. Composed by Dave Malloy, the score which follows the naive Natasha who, while her fiance, Andrey, is at war, is swept into the fast-paced life in Moscow and falls into an thing with the rascal Anatole is a fusion of Russian kinfolk, classical structures, indie rock and punk music.

Josh Groban in Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 Photograph: Chad Batka/ AP

Despite all that, Groban tells it was the restlessness and discomfortof Pierre that outlined him to the character and the project.

He simultaneously kind of shuns and criticizes the vapidness and narcissisms of society, and at the same occasion so badly wants to be a part of it, he mentioned. I thought that was so much more interesting as a reference than any of the step-out-in-the-spotlight leading man kind of roles.

Rather than a rising ardour ballad, that large-scale number for Groban is a song announced Dust and Ashes, in which Pierre reflects on the wasted opportunities of his own life and articulates his desire for meaning.

You do have your epiphany and do have the discovery of true love and glee and the comet and all the things that Pierre eventually detects, Groban persisted. I think it gives that so much more heavines and entail when youre bumbling and balk and locked in your hole.

While Grobans playing and singing have been praised by critics, he is quickly and bluntly self-deprecating about his dancing. Another reasonablenes Pierre appealed to Groban was the specific characteristics did not dance.

The choreographer, one day at recital, he announced: Uh, Josh Groban, can you come out in the hallway satisfy? I reckoned, Oh, God, am I in fus? Groban recalled, laughing. He gathered me out and added, Youre going to hate me, but theres a scene in Gypsy Lovers where I recollect Pierres going to have to dance. So we came up with this five-second whirl that he does, and I can say that I have been a triple threat on Broadway not well, but I have done it. And the neat happen about Pierres dancing ability is hes is expected to be drunkard and supposed to be a bull in a china shop.

Accessing Pierres despair, Groban replied, came from his working experience, both personal and artistic, duelling self-doubt and self-criticism and struggling with a lack of purpose or arrangement.

Ive never gone through anything to the extreme that Pierre has gone through. Fortunately, I reckon the majority of members of us have not gone through that, he pronounced. But at the same period, we all was aware that hopelessness feels like. We all was aware that a lack of purpose, what a lack of vitality feels like. I think we all know what it feels like to break through that and be stronger from it.

Groban has weathered a few onstage misfortunes, including one that actually property him offstage. Caught up in a moment of conflict with another reputation, Groban stomped his hoof so difficult that he fell forwardinto the orchestra pit.

Every time I articulated[ the line] I kept stomping and stepping forwards and I didnt recognize where my paws were, he recollected. Generally Im a little furthest back. I missed because the strobe light are so disorienting. I enunciated, You bully! You scoundrel! It was like a vaudevillian farce number. I descended smack-dab right on to the container prepared.

I had fat padding on so I didnt find a event. But my self-love was bruised, he sustained. At least it was when Pierre is drunk and stumbling. At least it wasnt, like, during the course of its final psalm. Terminated chaos. I gate-crashed into the quarry. It was almost a rim hit. The trap punch, the cymbal disappeared operating. Everyone in the cast was like: Well, youve done 50 evidences now, but this was your official initiation.

Stunt-casting a indicate, with a glittery personality identify taking on a very limited operate, is nothing brand-new to Broadway, and something Groban is aware of. But the hotshot is speedy to emphasize all levels of society of the Comet cast and sing my honourable colleagues praises. If anything, ultimately play-act on Broadway, which was his fantasy since he was a boy, moves the self-proclaimed dork who declares to difficulty loosening and celebrating his accomplishments feel like one of the cool children.

When James Corden played my time of Tevye at the Tonys, I was humiliated, he answered, echoing a video of himself as a teen singing If I Were a Rich Boy in a school production processes Fiddler on the Roof. But principally I was like, Gaze at that kid who couldnt get a time, who had to put on a bogus beard, whose rightfully being onstage as Tevye was the most cathartic stuff for me “re going through” a difficult high school ordeal. To see that being aired on the Tonys I so rarely do it, but sometimes I render myself a high five.

Recently, hes had a lot to celebrate.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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