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agcntemily · 4 years ago

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heyoooo could u do “have you lost your damn mind?” and “i almost lost you” with emily? thx!

notes: thank you for requesting! i really enjoyed writing this one <3

Being married to any type of agent was hard. You hadn’t yet experienced that. However, being engaged, having the promise of an upcoming wedding, while simultaneously worrying whether or not your fiancé would come home each night, was also very scary. You had been experiencing this the hard way ever since your engagement was made official. (You had worried when the two of you were just dating, absolutely. But, at this moment in time, your current biggest fear was losing the person you were about to commit your life to. The thought of her not making it to your wedding, having to struggle with the pain of losing her and having to call off your wedding alone, paralyzed you.)

You were sure it was going to be much harder when the marriage was official, but you were trying to take things one step at a time. For right now, you just had to make it through the wedding. Scratch that — your fiancé, soon to be wife, needed to survive the wrath you were about to rage on her. If your primary concern hadn’t been ensuring her safety, you would have already strangled her. (Metaphorically, of course.)

As soon as you’d gotten the call from her teammate instead of her personally, you knew something during their case had went wrong. Your heart had clenched tightly, and your hands shook as you drove the familiar road to the hospital. This wasn’t the first time you were rushing down to see if she was okay, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Each time, though, nothing could calm the fear that gripped your entire being.

She was okay. Emily — Emily Prentiss, one of the most kind, brave, heroic members of the team. Agent Prentiss to so many families she had helped. Your Emily, the love of your life — was alive. It had been a minor injury to her shoulder, which you carefully avoided making contact with when you crushed her in a hug. You could tell by her apprehensive expression that she already predicted your reaction.

“Emily Elizabeth Prentiss!” Your hand lightly smacked against her uninjured shoulder. After you had held her in a tight embrace, Morgan had come in to explain the situation to you. Your fiancé had carefully avoided eye contact the entire time. Once Morgan had left, you waited until the doctor was finished wrapping her up in a sling to scold her. “Have you lost your damn mind?”

Concern was thrown out the window now that you knew she was physically safe. Anger now coursed through your veins. Anger at the unsub who had decided to use your fiancé as a punching bag, and anger at your fiancé who had ran into the building without backup. Red, hot, burning anger radiated from your entire stance. Instead of crossing your arms, they dangled to the side, and your narrowed eyes glared at her.

Slowly, she lifted her head to look at you, trying to defend herself. “I’m sorry, Y/N. But if you had seen this guy, what he was doing to his victims, you would have done the same thing!”

“Don’t play that card with me, Emily! You know damn well how that conversation goes!” The argument of how you would have handled the situation versus how she had was one the two of you liked to avoid whenever possible. You knew some of what it was like in the field through stories told by her or other colleagues, but you worked a desk job. There was no way you could begin imagining how to handle that kind of adrenaline. Besides, you both knew how guilty she would later feel if she continued using that argument against you.

Your own guilt would probably make an appearance later that night anyway, but your anger was practically blinding. “What is with all the ‘damn’s’? I’m sorry that I scared you, but this is my job, Y/N. You have to understand. I didn’t plan to get hurt.”

The miserable look on her face, coupled with the amount of pain she was clearly in, was all it took for you to soften. Not completely, because you still had a three page lecture buried in mind on why it was important to wait for backup. But her eyes were pleading with you to put it on halt, and denying her was something you’d never been able to fully do.

“I know.” You took a deep breath, shuffling your feet a bit closer. In the midst of your anger, you hadn’t realized you’d begun to move further and further away. Once in reach, you brought one hand up to gently cup her chin, lightly running your thumb over her jawline. She leaned into it, a silent way of expressing forgiveness and understanding for your miniature meltdown. “I know you didn’t plan it, honey. . . It just really scared the crap out of me. When I got that call, I just — I just got really scared.”

It seemed to be a whirlwind of emotions you were experiencing today. Perhaps it was the hormonal imbalance of being a women during a menstrual cycle, or perhaps it was the high anxiety you were coming down from. Either way, a lump was forming in your throat and your eyes were filling with tears.

Emotion was filling Emily’s eyes, too. Using her uninjured arm, she slid it around your waist to pull you closer. You stood in between her legs as she sat on the hospital bed, and your head fell to her shoulder. Your nose pressed against her neck, inhaling the familiar scent that never failed to calm you. “I almost lost you.” Your voice cracked, and hot tears fell onto her exposed skin.

Her hand rubbed over your back, as your body shook with quiet sobs. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m right here.” She spoke softly, soothing you by pressing a few kisses to the side of your head. “I’m right here, my love. Everything’s okay.”

“Em. . .” You struggled to get the words out between your sobs, but it felt as if you would never be able to if you didn’t say it as quickly as possible. “I don’t know what I would do if you. . .”

She just barely seemed to understand your words. In response, she pulled you in tighter and pressed her lips to your temple. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

It took awhile for you to calm down. Even after that, you stayed buried in her one-armed embrace, soaking up the comfort after your emotional rollercoaster. She didn’t seem to mind keeping you close. By the time you walked out of the hospital, with her sling secured in place, you were holding onto her free hand as if she would slip away at any moment. She could — slip away at any moment, that is. But for right now, she was by your side, exactly where you both wanted her to be.

#emily prentiss #emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss x female reader #emily prentiss x you #emily prentiss x y/n #emily prentiss imagine #emily prentiss one shot

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pamphletstoinspire · 6 years ago

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The Death Penalty and the Myth of Closure

Many argue that the death penalty can help survivors move on with their lives. However, this counselor writes that true healing can happen only when we learn to "walk with the pain."

The death penalty has been with us for millennia. If you take the time to read the Old Testament, you will find that the death penalty was widely accepted. We find in the words of Exodus the justification invoked to this day to defend the use of executions: “You shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe” (21:23–25).

This is known as Mosaic law and is an integral part of our legal system. And yet Jesus came to challenge it: “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on [your] right cheek, turn the other one to him as well” (Mt 5:38–39).

What a truly radical notion! In the Old Testament, one sees that violence was a way of life, and execution was a primary tool for meting out justice. But Jesus sweeps that all away.

As with many things Jesus said, excuses have been made and qualifiers added: Love your enemy . . . except when he is a murderer. Then you are justified to kill him, a conclusion that sounds very much like Mosaic law.

Desire for Vengeance Is Real

On the other hand, even if we accept Jesus’ teaching, turning the other cheek is not that simple. I can’t simply say, “Well, Patterson, you claim to be a Christian, so you must love your enemy and oppose the death penalty.” I also understand the desire for vengeance.

Some years ago when I was an Army psychologist, I was tasked with evaluating a man arrested for beating his 3-month-old stepdaughter within an inch of her life on Christmas Eve. It had already been determined that the child suffered irreversible brain damage. As I was interviewing the man, I received a call from the pediatric ICU informing me she had also been blinded. I hung up and told this man that news. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Oh, well.”

In that moment, I wanted to jump across my desk, grab him by the throat, and beat him within an inch of his life! As I think about him almost 40 years later, I have the same feeling. I am not proud of that, but it also helps me to be sensitive to the feelings of survivors when it comes to discussions of the death penalty. It reminds me to be sensitive to survivors’ need for justice and, possibly, vengeance.

Many justifications for executions set aside the language of Mosaic law and focus on possible benefits for the surviving family. One doesn’t so much hear the word vengeance in such discussions, but one does hear the word closure. A common justification for the death penalty is that it provides closure for the family.

When Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was sentenced to death, the mayor of Boston expressed the hope that “this verdict provides a small amount of closure.” Similarly, when the decision was made to allow survivors of the Oklahoma City bombing to witness the execution of Timothy McVeigh, Attorney General John Ashcroft stated that he hoped the execution would help survivors “meet their need to close this chapter in their lives.”

Whether executions provide closure depends on what we mean by that word. For most of us, closure implies a completion or conclusion. When a corporation announces store closures, that means those stores are no longer operational. So, in discussing the process of grief and trauma, closure would seem to imply a conclusion—the suggestion that there is an end point to grieving.

This expectation of closure is sometimes supported within a person’s social network. At this time, I am counseling several parents of children who committed suicide. All have commented on encountering, either directly or indirectly, the message “Aren’t you over it by now?”

Think for a moment of the people in your life you have lost. Are you no longer grieving? If I think of loved ones who are gone, I become aware that I may be grieving those losses for the rest of my days. My grief may not be as intense as it was at the time of the loss. But reminders of someone’s absence in my life help me see that grief goes on, that there is no closure in the sense of conclusion to my grief. There’s no point at which I dust myself off and say, “OK, I’m done missing that person.”

The Myth of Closure

In her book Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us, Professor Nancy Berns makes the compelling argument that the concept of closure has emerged within a political context to justify the death penalty and as a “made-up concept: a frame used to explain how we respond to loss.” It has become such a common word in discussions about grief that people assume it exists and is within their reach. In fact, its prevalence reflects the hope we all have that we can heal from the devastation of tragedy and trauma.

For some, closure means the conclusion to a very public process of crime, arrest, trial, and multiple appeals. Anecdotal evidence suggests that indeed the execution provides that sense of closure. But the word closure also implies healing and completion. Evidence suggests that not only does the death penalty not facilitate healing but, in fact, may interfere with it.

In his 2007 study of families of murder victims, Scott Velum found that only 2.5 percent indicated a strong sense of closure resulted from the execution of the murderer. A study published in the Marquette Law Review compared survivors’ reactions in Minnesota and Texas. Killers in Minnesota were sentenced to life imprisonment, an outcome that was experienced as satisfying by survivors. Texas survivors were less satisfied by death penalty verdicts, in large part because of the prolonged appeals process.

As Bill and Denise Richards, parents of a 9-year-old boy killed in the Boston Marathon bombings, wrote in the Boston Globe, asking that the government not seek the death penalty, “The continued pursuit of that punishment could bring years of appeals and prolong the most painful day of our lives.”

Jody Madeira worked with and studied survivors of the Oklahoma City bombings. In her book Killing McVeigh: The Death Penalty and the Myth of Closure, she noted that Timothy McVeigh’s execution did not provide the kind of closure some survivors may have hoped for. As one survivor noted, “There won’t be closure till I am dead.”

The Path to Healing

Are survivors then simply left in anguish, or is some form of healing possible? Perhaps rather than talking about closure, we should be talking about healing.

Sociologist Loren Toussaint suggests that healing is possible through the process of forgiveness. Madeira agrees that forgiveness can help but argues that it is not the only path to healing. This is a delicate topic that must be approached carefully and without judgment. Forgiveness can indeed help survivors heal, but it isn’t that simple. Forgiveness is a process, one that can last a lifetime.

First, let’s be clear on what forgiveness isn’t. Forgiveness does not mean condoning—a distinction relevant to people dealing with someone on death row. Forgiveness does not minimize what was done. The bombings in Boston will never be acceptable. The 9/11 attacks can never be dismissed in terms of the personal trauma. The murder of a loved one will never be OK. After all, the God of my understanding is indeed a God of mercy, but also a God of justice.

Then there is the common phrase forgive and forget. Not only is that often not possible, but in some cases it’s not a good idea. If someone has assaulted me, I may need to forgive that person, but it may not be a good idea for me to invite him or her over for dinner. That person may have no remorse and might assault me again.

The first step in forgiving is making the decision to forgive. The important thing to realize in making this decision is that the person who will benefit most from forgiving is the forgiver. Forgiving frees the forgiver from all the negative venom of hatred and resentment. Essentially, to forgive is to reclaim power from the forgiven. Professor Madeira quotes Oklahoma City bombing survivor Bud Welch as saying about forgiving Timothy McVeigh: “I was the one that got relief from all this pain . . . and it wasn’t about McVeigh.”

Sometimes we confuse forgiveness with reconnecting with someone in a loving way. That reconnecting is a decision that I may make after I have forgiven. I also have the option of not having the offender in my life. In other words, to forgive doesn’t necessarily mean to reconcile with someone.

To forgive means I also have to face all my rage and anger, all my thoughts of vengeance. We can’t sidestep the emotions. I have sat with some people who experienced tragedy or trauma and afterwards stated, rather flatly, “I’ve forgiven that person,” without any acknowledgment of the pain inflicted by that person. This to me is an intellectual exercise, not an experience of true forgiveness.

Learning to Walk with the Pain

In exploring alternatives to the prevalent concept of closure, we also need to broaden our understanding of grief. The concept of closure may have its roots in Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ famous five stages of dying. That theory has been broadened to include grief. The fifth stage is acceptance. Like closure, this notion has many meanings.

What does it mean to accept the death of a loved one? Again, some kind of finality is suggested, a sort of conclusion to the grieving. I have sat with persons who judged themselves because they did not feel they were finished grieving. Others had well-meaning friends and relatives suggest they should be “over it by now” or that they hadn’t “accepted” the death because they were still grieving.

Over the years I have dealt with many people who came to see me because someone else was concerned about them or, more often, because they themselves questioned whether they were grieving correctly.

I recall one beautiful woman who came to see me after the death of her husband of 50-plus years. She was concerned whether she was grieving correctly. She stated that well-meaning friends had given her a stack of books on grieving. Not wanting to disappoint anyone, she read them all. When I asked what she thought after all that reading, she told me: “I’m completely confused. They contradict one another.”

So what did I do? I gave her a book to read! Only it wasn’t an edition of Grieving for Dummies. It was C.S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed, his journal written the first year after the death of his beloved wife, Joy. The book has no easy answers, and, at its conclusion, it is clear that Lewis will continue to grieve. There is no nice, clean ending. No closure. Only Lewis trying to learn to walk with the pain.

In dealing with losses in my own life, what works for me is to view grieving as a process of learning to walk with the pain. This suggests that, because of a particular loss, my life is changed forever. I am challenged to find a way to move forward living my life as well as possible while at the same time carrying the loss. This is especially true for those who’ve lost a loved one through some criminal act, be it murder or terrorism.

To learn to walk with the pain has several facets. One is to make the decision not to let the trauma define the loved one’s life. It is to affirm that I will not be known as the parent of that girl or boy who was murdered. Rather, I will be known as the parent of a child who touched lives in a beautiful way before leaving life much too soon.

Another facet of walking with the pain is to facilitate the loved one’s legacy. Such legacies may take the form of charitable donations or even the establishment of a charity. Others might establish a scholarship fund. Some get tattoos or plant trees. Such actions don’t make pain go away, but they create a legacy that has some meaning.

For me, acceptance means acknowledging that life is now different, and that I will be walking with this pain until I meet my loved one again in a better place. That may be the only real closure.

By Richard B. Patterson, PhD

#death penalty #myth of closure

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gotoocollectorheart-blog · 7 years ago

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Violence against women, also known as interpersonal violence

Overview

Violence against women, also known as interpersonal violence, is a crime of power and control. It occurs in the context of many different types of relationships and takes many forms. It can happen within marriages, between siblings, roommates, dating couples and those in lesbian and gay relationships. Elderly members of a family can also be the objects of abuse by relatives. In the majority of intimate partner violence incidents, men are the primary abusers. According to findings from the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 1.5 million women and more than 800,000 men are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner every year. And the U.S. Department of Justice reported in 2000 that 25.5 percent of women and 7.9 percent of men reported being raped, physically assaulted and/or stalked by anintimate partner in their lifetimes. According to the CDC's National Center for Injury Prevention, almost 5.3 million intimate partner victimizations of women age 18 and over take place each year, and 3.2 million occur among men. These attacks result in approximately two million injuries and 1,300 deaths each year. In 2001, intimate-partner violence accounted for 20 percent of all nonfatal violent crime experienced by women. In addition, one study showed that almost all (93 percent) of the women who were murdered by their intimate partner had been treated for at least one injury at the hands of that same person. Generally, victims of repeated physical violence experience more serious consequences than victims of isolated incidents. The abuser may use a number of tactics other than physical violence in order to maintain power and control over his or her victim. There are three categories of abuse: Psychological abuse: Sometimes called mental violence, this type of abuse may include constant verbal abuse, harassment, stalking, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, depriving her of physical and economic resources and destroying her personal property. The abuser may destroy objects or harm pets in front of the victim, and it may escalate to physical abuse. Psychological abuse can lead to psychological consequences for the victim, including depression, low self esteem, fear of intimacy, inability to trust men,anxiety, antisocial behavior and, in some cases, attempted suicide. Physical abuse: Physical abuse may begin with grabbing, pinching or shoving and often escalates into more serious and more frequent attacks including kicking, punching, biting, throwing objects, holding down, driving recklessly, blocking exists and sexual assault. Physical attacks and aggressive behavior, although they may not be life threatening at first, are not trivial and should not be excused or ignored. This abuse becomes life threatening when the attacks include choking, breaking bones or the use of weapons. Sexual abuse: Any time a woman is forced to take part in unwanted sexual activity, it is considered sexual violence. Physical abuse may be accompanied by, or culminate in, sexual violence, but there is a clear and distinct line between physical domestic violence and sexual abuse. Although some intimate partner abuse culminates in sexual abuse, the majority does not. And although perpetrators of sexual abuse sometimes physically harm their victims, it is unusual for sexual abuse perpetrators to be chronic intimate partner violence abusers. Certain groups of women are at higher risk for becoming victims of abuse and violence. According to the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, these include women who: are single, separated or divorced (or planning a separation or divorce) are between the ages of 17 and 28, especially under age 24 abuse alcohol or other drugs or whose partners do have partners who are excessively jealous or possessive have a history of prior physical abuse have partners who are verbally abusive have a history of childhood abuse are unemployed or experiencing economic stress have experienced prior injury from the same partner have a low level of academic achievement lack social networks and tend to be socially isolated There are also various relationship risk factors for violence and abuse, including the following: A male belief in strict traditional gender codes, such as the woman should stay at home and be submissive Couples with educational, income or job status disparities Male or female dominance in the relationship Dating Violence Another form of violence against women is dating violence (sometimes called "date rape"). In this form of violence, one person purposely causes physical or psychological harm to another person they are dating. Dating violence can manifest itself as physical abuse, sexual assault and/or psychological/emotional abuse. A victim of dating violence might unknowingly be given alcohol or slipped "date rape" drugs like Rohypnol in her drink. Alcohol and date rape drugs can make you unable to resist assault. You experience a type of amnesia so you're uncertain about what happened. This means you're left to cope with not only the trauma of the sexual assault, but the uncertainty surrounding the specifics of the crime. Unfortunately, most cases of dating violence are not reported to the police. Like other forms of violence against women, dating violence is a serious crime that occurs in both casual and serious relationships, as well as in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships. The physical and psychological health consequences of intimate partner and dating violence are very serious. Affected women experience more reported chronic health problems than unaffected women, including: Pain, gastrointestinal disorders and irritable bowel syndrome Higher rates of sexually transmitted diseases, central nervous system disorders and cardiac problems, although no history of cardiac disease. Gynecological disorders and unwanted pregnancies. Headaches and back pain Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, including emotional detachment, flashbacks and sleep disturbances In 2000, the U.S. Department of Justice reported on the extent, nature and consequences of intimate partner violence in the U.S. According to its findings, approximately 1.8 million women and one million men reported being raped and/or physically assaulted by an intimate partner in the past 12 months. These statistics do not take into account the occurrences of psychological abuse, which is harder to identify than physical or sexual abuse. Additionally, stalking by intimates is more prevalent than previously thought. According to CDC estimates, more than one million women and 371,000 men are stalked by an intimate partner every year. An abuser can be anyone involved in a relationship with the victim: husbands, boyfriends, dating partners, same-sex partners and others. Many abusers were involved in or exposed to abusive relationships during their childhood. However, exposure to abuse is not a prerequisite for abusive behavior later in life. The physical and psychological health consequences of intimate partner violence are very serious. Affected women have 60 percent more reported chronic health problems, including: If you know someone who is involved in an abusive relationship, it may be difficult for you to understand why she doesn't just leave. The answer as to why women stay in violent relationships is complex. Part of the reason is that domestic violence often occurs as a pattern of behavior known as the "cycle of violence." The cycle involves three phases: Phase 1: Tension builds. The abuser may threaten or push and shove the victim. The victim often reacts by working harder to keep the abuser calm. During this phase, the victim may believe that she can prevent a violent incident, but she is walking on eggshells. Her efforts typically fail. Phase 2: Violence occurs. The abuser may hit, beat, sexually abuse or use weapons against his partner. Women's lives are most often in danger during phase two. Phase 3: The "Honeymoon" Phase. The abuser apologizes to the victim and promises he won't harm her again. He may also blame his actions on her behavior. Often the partner accepts the abuser's apologies and forgives his behavior. The tension-building phase begins again, renewing the "cycle of violence." If you or someone you know is trapped in this cycle of violence, talk to someone at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Dial toll-free: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TDD 1-800-787-3224 24 hours a day, 365 days a year in English, Spanish and other languages. If you think you are being stalked, call the Stalking Hotline at the National Center for Victims of Crime at 1-800-FYI-CALL (394-2255). There are also many external barriers to women leaving a violent relationship. Reasons why women stay include: Lack of resources. Many women have children to support, yet they are not employed outside the home. Often the car, house, bank accounts and credit cards are in the abuser's name. Institutional responses. Clergy and secular counsel are often trained to save the marriage at all costs, despite the fact that abuse is occurring. Police officers often treat women not as victims of violent crime, but rather as participants in a domestic dispute. However, in most jurisdictions police can file charges against the perpetrator if women are afraid to. Prosecutors are sometimes reluctant to take legal action against abusers and when they do, the courts rarely levy heavy sentences. Restraining orders often do little to prevent an abuser from returning and repeating the assault. However, many women do not believe they will get support if they leave. Traditional ideology. MMany women do not believe divorce is an alternative to an abusive marriage. When children are involved, they may believe that an abusive father is better than no father at all. Also, women often feel responsible for the failure of their marriage. Because abused women may become isolated from family and friends by a jealous abuser, they may feel they have no one to turn to. Many times women will rationalize their partner's abusive behavior, blaming it on drugs, alcohol, stress or other factors. During non-violent "honeymoon" phases within the cycle of violence, the abuser may convince his victim that he is truly sorry and will not hurt her again. She may believe that her abuser is "basically a good person." Losing children. This is an enormous fear for women with children. They believe that in leaving they will lose their children. Reaching out to a woman who is in an abusive relationship can be difficult. Here are some things you can say to her: I'm afraid for your safety I'm afraid for the safety of your children It will only get worse You deserve better than this Let's figure out a safety plan for you Reflect and recall the pattern of events (to stop the cycle of violence) Diagnosis Prevailing myths about intimate-partner violence often encourage denial about abusive situations and prevent women from getting the help they need. Remember: Domestic violence can happen in any type of relationship, income level, environment or culture. Common myths associated with domestic and intimate partner violence include: Myth: Family violence is rare. Truth: Although statistics on family violence are not precise, it's clear that millions of children, women and even men are abused physically by family members and their closest relations or partners. Myth: Family violence is confined to the lower classes. Truth: Reports from police records, victim services and academic studies show domestic violence exists in every socioeconomic group, regardless of race or culture. Myth: Alcohol and drug abuse are the real causes of violence in the home. Truth: Because many male batterers also abuse alcohol and other drugs, it's easy to conclude that these substances may cause domestic violence. Substance abuse increases the risk for and lethality of the violence. But for some men, battering begins when they come off of drugs and other substances. Substance use and abuse are not excuses for a batterer's behavior or for his failure to take responsibility for his behavior, however. In addition, successful completion of a drug treatment program does not guarantee an end to battering. Domestic violence and substance abuse are two different problems that both require treatment. Myth: Battered wives like being hit, otherwise they would leave…Truth: The most common response to battering—"Why doesn't she just leave?"—ignores the economic and social realities facing many women. Shelters are often full; and family, friends and the workplace are frequently less than supportive. Faced with rent and utility deposits, day care, health insurance and other basic expenses, the woman may feel that she cannot support herself and her children. Moreover, in some instances, the woman may be increasing the chance of physical harm, death or losing her children if she leaves an abusive partner. Are you in an abusive or potentially abusive relationship? Here are some questions to ask yourself about how you are being treated by your partner and how you treat your partner. Does your partner: Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family? Put down your accomplishments or goals? Criticize you for little things? Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful? Control your use of needed medicines? Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions? Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance? Tell you that you are nothing without him or her? Control how you spend money? Treat you roughly—grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you? Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be? Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you? Blame you for how he or she feels or acts? Pressure you sexually for things you aren't ready for? Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship? Destroy your property or things you care about? Prevent you from doing the things you want, like spending time with your friends or family? Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson?" Do you: Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act? Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior? Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself? Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry? Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you? Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want? Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive or potentially abusive relationship. If you do not seek help, the abuse will continue. Ultimately, you can take the first step toward getting help by confiding in your health care professional. If you find yourself in a health care professional's office, an emergency room or clinic for treatment as a result of abuse, take the opportunity to talk to the health care professional about why you're there. Today, many health care professionals are trained to notice signs and symptoms of abuse, and they know how to help you. It might be up to you, however, to bring up the topic.

Prevention

Emotional and verbal abuse, attempts to isolate and threats and intimidation within a relationship may be an indication that physical abuse is to follow. Even if these behaviors are not accompanied by physical abuse, they must not be minimized or ignored. If you are dating, learn how to minimize your risk of becoming a victim of dating violence before you find yourself in an uncomfortable or threatening situation. If you are already in an abusive relationship, take the following actions to prevent the violence from escalating: Share your situation with someone you can trust. Tell a family member or friend what's going on. Prepare NOW for your escape. Make plans for what you will do if you are attacked again. Locate a safe place for you and your children to go—a friend's house or a shelter. A crisis hotline or your local police can help you find a shelter. Have a back-up plan in mind just in case your first plan doesn't work. Build a survival kit including a spare set of keys, clothes, birth certificates, passports, divorce/custody/separation agreements, protection orders, prescriptions, bank cards and money. Ask someone you trust to keep these items for you. Contact your local family court or domestic violence court for information about getting a civil protection order. Try not to let the abuser trap you in a kitchen with potential weapons or in small places like a bathroom. If you are injured, go to a hospital or health care professional's office, tell the health care professional who treats you what happened and make sure he or she writes it in your medical records. Try to open a savings account in your own name. Ask someone you trust to keep the account statements, and have the statements sent directly to that person. Keep some emergency cash in a safe place near an escape exit. Know your rights. Contact the shelter or women's center in your area to find out about your legal rights and what resources are available in the community. Facts to Know Help is available by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TDD 1-800-787-3224. You can reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. And the Stalking Hotline number is 1-800-FYI-CALL (394-2255). Women living with female intimate partners experience less intimate-partner violence than women living with male intimate partners. However, men living with male intimate partners experience more intimate-partner violence than do men who live with female intimate partners. Unmarried couples are at greater risk of intimate partner violence than married couples. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's (CDC) National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, women who experience intimate partner violence are more likely to have been unemployed in the past and are more likely to be receiving public assistance. Ironically, however, women with an education level higher than their partners' are also more likely to become victims of intimate partner violence. Women are primarily raped and/or physically assaulted by intimate partners and are more likely than men to be injured during an assault. Approximately 1,300 women are murdered every year by an intimate partner, according to the U.S. Department of Justice. The CDC reports that people with disabilities are four to 10 times more likely to become victims of abuse than people without disabilities, and that women with disabilities report a greater number of perpetrators of physical violence, emotional abuse or sexual abuse—and for longer periods of abuse—than women without disabilities. A batterer may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence, and is often seen as a "nice person" to outsiders. Some behavioral warning signs of a potential batterer include extreme jealousy, possessiveness, a bad temper, unpredictability, cruelty to animals and verbal abusiveness. Women and men who were physically assaulted as children by adult caretakers are significantly more likely to report being victimized by their current partner. One-third of women who are physically abused by a husband or boyfriend grew up in a household where their mothers were similarly abused. About one in five were abused themselves as children or teenagers. Children who witness violence at home or who are abused themselves are more likely to abuse their own children when they become parents Information from the U.S. Department of Justice shows that violence perpetrated against women by intimate partners is rarely prosecuted. It is important to realize that a woman who begins to talk about her situation is reaching out for help and making an effort to involve someone in her situation. Family and friends should be supportive of her attempts to escape her abuser, since there are often financial and psychological barriers standing in her way. Key Q&A If things are so bad, why doesn't she just leave her abuser?Shelters often are full, and family, friends and the workplace are frequently less than fully supportive of a woman fleeing an abusive relationship. Faced with rent and utility deposits, day care, health insurance and other basic expenses, she may feel that she cannot support herself and her children. In some instances, the woman may be increasing the chance of physical harm or even death if she leaves an abusive partner. What can I do to convince my friend that she needs to leave her abusive partner?Explain to her that you are afraid for her safety and the safety of her children. Assure her that the abuse will likely continue to escalate and will definitely not go away. Tell her that she deserves better than this and offer to help her devise a plan for escape. What if she will not or does not want to leave?Encourage her to investigate local resources for counseling and temporary shelter, or other social services she or her family may need. Sometimes abusers can be persuaded, or court-ordered, to enroll in anger-management programs for intensive therapy aimed at rechanneling rage. Additionally, the woman needs continued support—it may take a victim months or even years before she feels safe enough to leave. Is it still considered abuse even if he doesn't physically harm her?Yes. Psychological abuse, sometimes called mental violence, may include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources and destruction of personal property in her presence. The abuser may destroy objects or harm pets in front of the woman. Psychological abuse often escalates to restraining, pushing, slapping and/ or pinching. If I can get my partner to stop drinking so much, will that help calm his abusive behavior?Probably not. Although abuse is often blamed on alcohol and drug use, abusers rarely stop their abusive behavior even after completion of a drug or alcohol treatment program. Abusive behavior and substance abuse are two separate issues that both require treatment. How can I prepare for the day when I finally leave for good?Begin now to build a survival kit containing a spare set of keys, clothes, birth certificates, passports, divorce/custody/separation agreements, protection orders, prescriptions, bank cards and money. Ask someone you trust to keep these items for you. If you are concerned about leaving important items and money with someone, get a safety deposit box. How can I leave my husband when he always seems so sorry after he hits me?Your husband's apologies may seem sincere for the moment, but they are part of the cycle of violence. After a violent incident, most abusers apologize and promise to stop hurting their victims. But soon after the "honeymoon" is over, violent tension begins to build again and will inevitably result in more abuse. Am I doing something to provoke my husband's rage?Like other abusers, your husband would like for you to believe that his violent behavior is your fault. It is not. And by the same token, there is nothing you can do or say to prevent the abuse from continuing, except to leave. Its important to understand that one reason the abuser attacks you is because he sees you as vulnerable, not because he has a tendency to attack all women. Can sexual abuse occur between husband and wife?Yes. Sexual abuse is any type of unwanted sexual activity. Sexual abuse can occur within a marriage or between lovers. Physical abuse may accompany or culminate in, sexual violence. However, a few states still don't allow women to charge their husbands with a sexual crime. Sexual abuse can include the abusers' insistence on total control of the woman's sexual life, including the type of contraception she is "allowed" to use, or the insistence that she cannot use any contraception. Today, more contraception choices are available to women and may be used without detection. Every woman should also know about and have access to emergency contraception, the so-called "morning-after" pill that can prevent a pregnancy from occurring after unprotected sex Read the full article

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buykamagragoldonline-blog · 7 years ago

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Violence Against Women

Overview

Violence against women, also known as interpersonal violence, is a crime of power and control. It occurs in the context of many different types of relationships and takes many forms. It can happen within marriages, between siblings, roommates, dating couples and those in lesbian and gay relationships. Elderly members of a family can also be the objects of abuse by relatives. In the majority of intimate partner violence incidents, men are the primary abusers. According to findings from the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 1.5 million women and more than 800,000 men are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner every year. And the U.S. Department of Justice reported in 2000 that 25.5 percent of women and 7.9 percent of men reported being raped, physically assaulted and/or stalked by anintimate partner in their lifetimes. According to the CDC’s National Center for Injury Prevention, almost 5.3 million intimate partner victimizations of women age 18 and over take place each year, and 3.2 million occur among men. These attacks result in approximately two million injuries and 1,300 deaths each year. In 2001, intimate-partner violence accounted for 20 percent of all nonfatal violent crime experienced by women. In addition, one study showed that almost all (93 percent) of the women who were murdered by their intimate partner had been treated for at least one injury at the hands of that same person. Generally, victims of repeated physical violence experience more serious consequences than victims of isolated incidents. The abuser may use a number of tactics other than physical violence in order to maintain power and control over his or her victim. There are three categories of abuse: Psychological abuse: Sometimes called mental violence, this type of abuse may include constant verbal abuse, harassment, stalking, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, depriving her of physical and economic resources and destroying her personal property. The abuser may destroy objects or harm pets in front of the victim, and it may escalate to physical abuse. Psychological abuse can lead to psychological consequences for the victim, including depression, low self esteem, fear of intimacy, inability to trust men,anxiety, antisocial behavior and, in some cases, attempted suicide. Physical abuse: Physical abuse may begin with grabbing, pinching or shoving and often escalates into more serious and more frequent attacks including kicking, punching, biting, throwing objects, holding down, driving recklessly, blocking exists and sexual assault. Physical attacks and aggressive behavior, although they may not be life threatening at first, are not trivial and should not be excused or ignored. This abuse becomes life threatening when the attacks include choking, breaking bones or the use of weapons. Sexual abuse: Any time a woman is forced to take part in unwanted sexual activity, it is considered sexual violence. Physical abuse may be accompanied by, or culminate in, sexual violence, but there is a clear and distinct line between physical domestic violence and sexual abuse. Although some intimate partner abuse culminates in sexual abuse, the majority does not. And although perpetrators of sexual abuse sometimes physically harm their victims, it is unusual for sexual abuse perpetrators to be chronic intimate partner violence abusers. Certain groups of women are at higher risk for becoming victims of abuse and violence. According to the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, these include women who: are single, separated or divorced (or planning a separation or divorce) are between the ages of 17 and 28, especially under age 24 abuse alcohol or other drugs or whose partners do have partners who are excessively jealous or possessive have a history of prior physical abuse have partners who are verbally abusive have a history of childhood abuse are unemployed or experiencing economic stress have experienced prior injury from the same partner have a low level of academic achievement lack social networks and tend to be socially isolated There are also various relationship risk factors for violence and abuse, including the following: A male belief in strict traditional gender codes, such as the woman should stay at home and be submissive Couples with educational, income or job status disparities Male or female dominance in the relationship Dating Violence Another form of violence against women is dating violence (sometimes called “date rape”). In this form of violence, one person purposely causes physical or psychological harm to another person they are dating. Dating violence can manifest itself as physical abuse, sexual assault and/or psychological/emotional abuse. A victim of dating violence might unknowingly be given alcohol or slipped “date rape” drugs like Rohypnol in her drink. Alcohol and date rape drugs can make you unable to resist assault. You experience a type of amnesia so you’re uncertain about what happened. This means you’re left to cope with not only the trauma of the sexual assault, but the uncertainty surrounding the specifics of the crime. Unfortunately, most cases of dating violence are not reported to the police. Like other forms of violence against women, dating violence is a serious crime that occurs in both casual and serious relationships, as well as in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships. The physical and psychological health consequences of intimate partner and dating violence are very serious. Affected women experience more reported chronic health problems than unaffected women, including: Pain, gastrointestinal disorders and irritable bowel syndrome Higher rates of sexually transmitted diseases, central nervous system disorders and cardiac problems, although no history of cardiac disease. Gynecological disorders and unwanted pregnancies. Headaches and back pain Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, including emotional detachment, flashbacks and sleep disturbances In 2000, the U.S. Department of Justice reported on the extent, nature and consequences of intimate partner violence in the U.S. According to its findings, approximately 1.8 million women and one million men reported being raped and/or physically assaulted by an intimate partner in the past 12 months. These statistics do not take into account the occurrences of psychological abuse, which is harder to identify than physical or sexual abuse. Additionally, stalking by intimates is more prevalent than previously thought. According to CDC estimates, more than one million women and 371,000 men are stalked by an intimate partner every year. An abuser can be anyone involved in a relationship with the victim: husbands, boyfriends, dating partners, same-sex partners and others. Many abusers were involved in or exposed to abusive relationships during their childhood. However, exposure to abuse is not a prerequisite for abusive behavior later in life. The physical and psychological health consequences of intimate partner violence are very serious. Affected women have 60 percent more reported chronic health problems, including: If you know someone who is involved in an abusive relationship, it may be difficult for you to understand why she doesn’t just leave. The answer as to why women stay in violent relationships is complex. Part of the reason is that domestic violence often occurs as a pattern of behavior known as the “cycle of violence.” The cycle involves three phases: Phase 1: Tension builds. The abuser may threaten or push and shove the victim. The victim often reacts by working harder to keep the abuser calm. During this phase, the victim may believe that she can prevent a violent incident, but she is walking on eggshells. Her efforts typically fail. Phase 2: Violence occurs. The abuser may hit, beat, sexually abuse or use weapons against his partner. Women’s lives are most often in danger during phase two. Phase 3: The “Honeymoon” Phase. The abuser apologizes to the victim and promises he won’t harm her again. He may also blame his actions on her behavior. Often the partner accepts the abuser’s apologies and forgives his behavior. The tension-building phase begins again, renewing the “cycle of violence.” If you or someone you know is trapped in this cycle of violence, talk to someone at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Dial toll-free: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TDD 1-800-787-3224 24 hours a day, 365 days a year in English, Spanish and other languages. If you think you are being stalked, call the Stalking Hotline at the National Center for Victims of Crime at 1-800-FYI-CALL (394-2255). There are also many external barriers to women leaving a violent relationship. Reasons why women stay include: Lack of resources. Many women have children to support, yet they are not employed outside the home. Often the car, house, bank accounts and credit cards are in the abuser’s name. Institutional responses. Clergy and secular counsel are often trained to save the marriage at all costs, despite the fact that abuse is occurring. Police officers often treat women not as victims of violent crime, but rather as participants in a domestic dispute. However, in most jurisdictions police can file charges against the perpetrator if women are afraid to. Prosecutors are sometimes reluctant to take legal action against abusers and when they do, the courts rarely levy heavy sentences. Restraining orders often do little to prevent an abuser from returning and repeating the assault. However, many women do not believe they will get support if they leave. Traditional ideology. MMany women do not believe divorce is an alternative to an abusive marriage. When children are involved, they may believe that an abusive father is better than no father at all. Also, women often feel responsible for the failure of their marriage. Because abused women may become isolated from family and friends by a jealous abuser, they may feel they have no one to turn to. Many times women will rationalize their partner’s abusive behavior, blaming it on drugs, alcohol, stress or other factors. During non-violent “honeymoon” phases within the cycle of violence, the abuser may convince his victim that he is truly sorry and will not hurt her again. She may believe that her abuser is “basically a good person.” Losing children. This is an enormous fear for women with children. They believe that in leaving they will lose their children. Reaching out to a woman who is in an abusive relationship can be difficult. Here are some things you can say to her: I’m afraid for your safety I’m afraid for the safety of your children It will only get worse You deserve better than this Let’s figure out a safety plan for you Reflect and recall the pattern of events (to stop the cycle of violence)

Diagnosis

Prevailing myths about intimate-partner violence often encourage denial about abusive situations and prevent women from getting the help they need. Remember: Domestic violence can happen in any type of relationship, income level, environment or culture. Common myths associated with domestic and intimate partner violence include: Myth: Family violence is rare. Truth: Although statistics on family violence are not precise, it’s clear that millions of children, women and even men are abused physically by family members and their closest relations or partners. Myth: Family violence is confined to the lower classes. Truth: Reports from police records, victim services and academic studies show domestic violence exists in every socioeconomic group, regardless of race or culture. Myth: Alcohol and drug abuse are the real causes of violence in the home. Truth: Because many male batterers also abuse alcohol and other drugs, it’s easy to conclude that these substances may cause domestic violence. Substance abuse increases the risk for and lethality of the violence. But for some men, battering begins when they come off of drugs and other substances. Substance use and abuse are not excuses for a batterer’s behavior or for his failure to take responsibility for his behavior, however. In addition, successful completion of a drug treatment program does not guarantee an end to battering. Domestic violence and substance abuse are two different problems that both require treatment. Myth: Battered wives like being hit, otherwise they would leave…Truth: The most common response to battering—”Why doesn’t she just leave?”—ignores the economic and social realities facing many women. Shelters are often full; and family, friends and the workplace are frequently less than supportive. Faced with rent and utility deposits, day care, health insurance and other basic expenses, the woman may feel that she cannot support herself and her children. Moreover, in some instances, the woman may be increasing the chance of physical harm, death or losing her children if she leaves an abusive partner. Are you in an abusive or potentially abusive relationship? Here are some questions to ask yourself about how you are being treated by your partner and how you treat your partner. Does your partner: Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family? Put down your accomplishments or goals? Criticize you for little things? Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful? Control your use of needed medicines? Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions? Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance? Tell you that you are nothing without him or her? Control how you spend money? Treat you roughly—grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you? Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be? Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you? Blame you for how he or she feels or acts? Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for? Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship? Destroy your property or things you care about? Prevent you from doing the things you want, like spending time with your friends or family? Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson?” Do you: Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act? Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior? Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself? Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry? Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you? Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want? Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive or potentially abusive relationship. If you do not seek help, the abuse will continue. Ultimately, you can take the first step toward getting help by confiding in your health care professional. If you find yourself in a health care professional’s office, an emergency room or clinic for treatment as a result of abuse, take the opportunity to talk to the health care professional about why you’re there. Today, many health care professionals are trained to notice signs and symptoms of abuse, and they know how to help you. It might be up to you, however, to bring up the topic. Prevention Emotional and verbal abuse, attempts to isolate and threats and intimidation within a relationship may be an indication that physical abuse is to follow. Even if these behaviors are not accompanied by physical abuse, they must not be minimized or ignored. If you are dating, learn how to minimize your risk of becoming a victim of dating violence before you find yourself in an uncomfortable or threatening situation. If you are already in an abusive relationship, take the following actions to prevent the violence from escalating: Share your situation with someone you can trust. Tell a family member or friend what’s going on. Prepare NOW for your escape. Make plans for what you will do if you are attacked again. Locate a safe place for you and your children to go—a friend’s house or a shelter. A crisis hotline or your local police can help you find a shelter. Have a back-up plan in mind just in case your first plan doesn’t work. Build a survival kit including a spare set of keys, clothes, birth certificates, passports, divorce/custody/separation agreements, protection orders, prescriptions, bank cards and money. Ask someone you trust to keep these items for you. Contact your local family court or domestic violence court for information about getting a civil protection order. Try not to let the abuser trap you in a kitchen with potential weapons or in small places like a bathroom. If you are injured, go to a hospital or health care professional’s office, tell the health care professional who treats you what happened and make sure he or she writes it in your medical records. Try to open a savings account in your own name. Ask someone you trust to keep the account statements, and have the statements sent directly to that person. Keep some emergency cash in a safe place near an escape exit. Know your rights. Contact the shelter or women’s center in your area to find out about your legal rights and what resources are available in the community.

Facts to Know

Help is available by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TDD 1-800-787-3224. You can reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. And the Stalking Hotline number is 1-800-FYI-CALL (394-2255). Women living with female intimate partners experience less intimate-partner violence than women living with male intimate partners. However, men living with male intimate partners experience more intimate-partner violence than do men who live with female intimate partners. Unmarried couples are at greater risk of intimate partner violence than married couples. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, women who experience intimate partner violence are more likely to have been unemployed in the past and are more likely to be receiving public assistance. Ironically, however, women with an education level higher than their partners’ are also more likely to become victims of intimate partner violence. Women are primarily raped and/or physically assaulted by intimate partners and are more likely than men to be injured during an assault. Approximately 1,300 women are murdered every year by an intimate partner, according to the U.S. Department of Justice. The CDC reports that people with disabilities are four to 10 times more likely to become victims of abuse than people without disabilities, and that women with disabilities report a greater number of perpetrators of physical violence, emotional abuse or sexual abuse—and for longer periods of abuse—than women without disabilities. A batterer may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence, and is often seen as a “nice person” to outsiders. Some behavioral warning signs of a potential batterer include extreme jealousy, possessiveness, a bad temper, unpredictability, cruelty to animals and verbal abusiveness. Women and men who were physically assaulted as children by adult caretakers are significantly more likely to report being victimized by their current partner. One-third of women who are physically abused by a husband or boyfriend grew up in a household where their mothers were similarly abused. About one in five were abused themselves as children or teenagers. Children who witness violence at home or who are abused themselves are more likely to abuse their own children when they become parents Information from the U.S. Department of Justice shows that violence perpetrated against women by intimate partners is rarely prosecuted. It is important to realize that a woman who begins to talk about her situation is reaching out for help and making an effort to involve someone in her situation. Family and friends should be supportive of her attempts to escape her abuser, since there are often financial and psychological barriers standing in her way.

Key Q&A

If things are so bad, why doesn’t she just leave her abuser?Shelters often are full, and family, friends and the workplace are frequently less than fully supportive of a woman fleeing an abusive relationship. Faced with rent and utility deposits, day care, health insurance and other basic expenses, she may feel that she cannot support herself and her children. In some instances, the woman may be increasing the chance of physical harm or even death if she leaves an abusive partner. What can I do to convince my friend that she needs to leave her abusive partner?Explain to her that you are afraid for her safety and the safety of her children. Assure her that the abuse will likely continue to escalate and will definitely not go away. Tell her that she deserves better than this and offer to help her devise a plan for escape. What if she will not or does not want to leave?Encourage her to investigate local resources for counseling and temporary shelter, or other social services she or her family may need. Sometimes abusers can be persuaded, or court-ordered, to enroll in anger-management programs for intensive therapy aimed at rechanneling rage. Additionally, the woman needs continued support—it may take a victim months or even years before she feels safe enough to leave. Is it still considered abuse even if he doesn’t physically harm her?Yes. Psychological abuse, sometimes called mental violence, may include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources and destruction of personal property in her presence. The abuser may destroy objects or harm pets in front of the woman. Psychological abuse often escalates to restraining, pushing, slapping and/ or pinching. If I can get my partner to stop drinking so much, will that help calm his abusive behavior?Probably not. Although abuse is often blamed on alcohol and drug use, abusers rarely stop their abusive behavior even after completion of a drug or alcohol treatment program. Abusive behavior and substance abuse are two separate issues that both require treatment. How can I prepare for the day when I finally leave for good?Begin now to build a survival kit containing a spare set of keys, clothes, birth certificates, passports, divorce/custody/separation agreements, protection orders, prescriptions, bank cards and money. Ask someone you trust to keep these items for you. If you are concerned about leaving important items and money with someone, get a safety deposit box. How can I leave my husband when he always seems so sorry after he hits me?Your husband’s apologies may seem sincere for the moment, but they are part of the cycle of violence. After a violent incident, most abusers apologize and promise to stop hurting their victims. But soon after the “honeymoon” is over, violent tension begins to build again and will inevitably result in more abuse. Am I doing something to provoke my husband’s rage?Like other abusers, your husband would like for you to believe that his violent behavior is your fault. It is not. And by the same token, there is nothing you can do or say to prevent the abuse from continuing, except to leave. Its important to understand that one reason the abuser attacks you is because he sees you as vulnerable, not because he has a tendency to attack all women. Can sexual abuse occur between husband and wife?Yes. Sexual abuse is any type of unwanted sexual activity. Sexual abuse can occur within a marriage or between lovers. Physical abuse may accompany or culminate in, sexual violence. However, a few states still don’t allow women to charge their husbands with a sexual crime. Sexual abuse can include the abusers’ insistence on total control of the woman’s sexual life, including the type of contraception she is “allowed” to use, or the insistence that she cannot use any contraception. Today, more contraception choices are available to women and may be used without detection. Every woman should also know about and have access to emergency contraception, the so-called “morning-after” pill that can prevent a pregnancy from occurring after unprotected sex

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#Violence Against Women

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bristolwomensvoice-blog · 8 years ago

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‘What on earth is Bristol doing inviting a known rapist to speak here?’

By Nancy Fielding

In the week when Bristolian women celebrated International Women’s Day in a multitude of exciting ways, we also experienced a boxer who has been convicted multiple times of violence against women visiting our city, and the promise that a man who freely admits he is a rapist will be speaking at an event here on Monday night. What on earth is going on?

Boxer Floyd Mayweather is one of the wealthiest men on the planet and is celebrated for his sporting achievements. He has also been convicted multiple times of domestic violence against women, he has been sentenced to community service, given a suspended jail term and, in 2012, spent three months in prison for six offences of violence towards women. His presence in Bristol (where his event was cancelled last year due to objections, and moved around several venues this year due to further objections) was greeted by a protest outside the venue. (http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/floyd-mayweather-event-met-with-raucous-protest-over-domestic-violence-charges/story-30190374-detail/story.html)

And there’s more. On Monday, rapist Tom Stranger will be speaking at a Festival of Ideas event in a bookshop… alongside Thordis Eva, the woman he raped. (http://www.ideasfestival.co.uk/events/thordis-elva-tom-stranger/)

Stranger raped Elva in 1996 when she was 16 and he 18, in an ordeal lasting two hours while she was so drunk she could not even speak and he took advantage of a vulnerable young woman of whom he was supposed to be looking after. Chillingly, Elva now says: “In order to stay sane, I silently counted the seconds on my alarm clock. And ever since that night, I’ve known that there are 7,200 seconds in two hours.” (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/rape-victim-thordis-elva-attacker-tom-stranger-tell-story-together-sexual-violence-understand-shame-a7571076.html)

Eight years after the rape, Elva decided to contact Stranger and confront him via a series of emails, which culminated in a decision to meet up. The result of this is a joint TED Talk, a co-written book, and a series of talks promoting the book where both Elva and Stranger take the platform. And this is what will be happening in Bristol on Monday as part of the Bristol Festival of Ideas.

The Bristol event has so far faced an online petition, a volley of upset and angered people who are expressing themselves on social media, and a range of blog posts. All against the event and expressing shock and disgust at the event, and at the invitation of a rapist to speak in our city. Elva and Stranger had been due to speak in London this weekend at the Women of the World Festival, but this has just been cancelled due to a huge outcry from angered women. (https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/mar/09/womens-festival-drops-event-with-rapist-protests-thordis-elva)

There seems no difference between Stranger and Mayweather. They are both men who have committed violent acts against women, and who are being ‘celebrated’ and invited to come and speak in our city about themselves as if they are heroes. It is inappropriate. And it is insulting that we are expected to pay to hear them, as if their opinions are valuable.

In many ways, the Tom Stranger event is even more unpalatable than the Floyd Mayweather one, because Stranger has not been convicted of his crime, because he is presented as a charming, white, middle-class, conventionally attractive man who therefore isn’t a criminal (yet he freely admits he is a rapist), and because of the devastating message this puts out to women everywhere that there is no point seeking a conviction for their rapist because rapists rarely get convicted. This reinforces the existing damaging message that women are not to be believed.

While this event may pretend to be (and the Festival of Ideas insists this is the case) about Thordis Elva and her experience, it is not. It has, of course, become all about this man and not about the woman at all. Despite the fact Elva is an extremely interesting and strong woman who has achieved impressive things in her career. But this story has now become about him, not her. Which is a shame, because in her native Iceland Elva is an acclaimed feminist writer, journalist and public speaker who was named woman of the year 2015, and she is a recognised specialist on violence against women and girls. She sounds amazing.

Elva’s story is important, as is the story of all rape survivors. But just as her words are overshadowed by the very charming voice of her rapist in their TED Talk (a rapist who makes jokes while he talks, and who stands with his hands in his pockets while his victim talks), Elva’s story is also being overshadowed by the presence of Stranger in their live talks. Scribe, who published their book South Of Forgiveness this month, have said: “Tom Stranger is a perpetrator of rape. He has acknowledged as much publicly, and seeks to avoid inappropriate praise for his admission of guilt. He believes taking responsibility for committing any form of sexual violence should be viewed as essential rather than praise-worthy, whilst going to lengths to avoid suggesting that perpetrators should make contact with any individuals they have subjected to sexual violence. He will be donating a proportion of the proceeds from the project to charity.”

That’s great in theory but the reality is that Stranger is of course dominating all of the discussions, newspaper articles, social media posts and general debates around Elva’s story – a story that she has a right to explore in whatever way she feels appropriate for her. Yet again, he is dominating her and her experiences. And whether or not Elva feels this herself, the message being put out there for all other survivors of rape and sexual assault is that their voices and experiences do not count, that they should be making peace with their rapist.

The Bristol Festival of Ideas has issued a statement saying: “We have organised a number of events around violence against women and girls and have supported many women’s and feminist organisations in their work. These are issues we continue to explore and organise events and initiatives around.” But this doesn’t excuse anything. The fact that they have included some events in their past and future programmes around feminism has no bearing on the fact this this one event is alienating and potentially triggering to existing survivors of sexual assault – women will doubtless feel excluded from the event as why on earth would they wish to attend?

It is worth also remembering that Bristol has good credentials as a feminist city. Bristol was the first city to sign up to the European Convention against Trafficking; was the first UK city to sign up to the European Charter for Equality of Women and Men in Local Life; was the first city to create a mayoral Women’s Commission; was one of the first UK cities to have a violence against women strategy; was awarded White Ribbon status, showing the city’s commitment to eliminating violence against women and girls; has the ‘This Is Not An Excuse’ programme of public advertising across the city to challenge ideas of sexual entitlement; has a programme of education available to all of Bristol’s early years, primary and secondary schools via the Bristol Ideal; offers workplace DV training sessions being developed by Public Health Bristol; and Bristol is host to the widely acclaimed Zero Tolerance initiative, working towards a city that is free from gender-based violence, abuse, harassment and exploitation.

Bearing all of this in mind, what on earth is Bristol doing inviting a known rapist to speak here? It’s truly staggering. Not only did this man commit a violent sexual assault on a woman, but he has received no criminal punishment, and now he is profiting from his actions as a rapist (as noted above, Stranger is only donating ‘a proportion’ of his fee from the book and talks to charity).

This whole episode puts out the very harmful message that as long as you say ‘sorry’, you can get away with the most hideous of crimes.

Nancy Fielding is a reporter for Bristol Women’s Voice: an organisation seeking to make women’s equality a reality in Bristol.

‘What on earth is Bristol doing inviting a known rapist to speak here?’ was originally published on Bristol Women's Voice

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gotoocollectorheart-blog · 7 years ago

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Violence against women, also known as interpersonal violence

Overview

Prevention

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gotoocollectorheart-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Violence against women, also known as interpersonal violence

Overview

Prevention

0 notes

gotoocollectorheart-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Violence against women, also known as interpersonal violence

Overview

Prevention

0 notes

gotoocollectorheart-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Violence against women, also known as interpersonal violence

Overview

Prevention

0 notes