#he can't really help for the numbness - gave me a med and said i need a massage

[marzipanladyart]

I was at the doctor today and I will live and you will never be free from Hojodegger xoxo

[renee-writer]

The Hunter Chapter 6 Secrets Revealed

“Sassanech, I feel queer.” His eyes, dulled by the pain and the effects of the morphine, meet hers.

“It is the medicine. How is the pain?” She sits on the edge of his bed laying out gauze, plaster of paris, and other such supplies.

“Tis' bearable. Thank ye.”

“I am glad. I am going to numb your hand before I examine it but, there is no way, short of knocking you completely out, that I can keep you pain free.”

“I ken Sassanech. Do as ye need.” She nods. Her hand goes to his uninjured one. She takes his pulse. Fast, as expected, but not dangerously so.

“Hunter, how did you do this?”

She feels his pulse jump under her hand. Interesting.

“I know you have your secrets. I won't ask any that are not medically relevant.” Said as I continue to examine hos injured hand with just my eyes, gaging what he has broke by the way his bones lay, by the spreading bruises across the top of his hand.

“I hit a tree.” I look up then. His eyes are down and an actual blush covers his cheeks.

“What did the tree do to you?” A soft smile lifts his lips for just a second.

“Naught. It was out of frustration.”

“And what had you so frustrated?”

“Is that medically relevant?” Ah, a secret he doesn’t wish to reveal. It isn’t. I am just very curious. But, I won't push him.

“It isn't. Okay, I am going to numb your hand before I do anything else.”

Aye Sassanech.” I am as gentle as I can be but he still winces as I cradle his hand in mine and administer the shots to numb it.

“Sorry.” I say over and over as I feel him jerk. I need to give him more morphine before setting it. I am just not sure he will allow it. He is covered in sweat when I am done and I know I am going to have to insist. “Hunter? I am going to let it numb up but, I need to give you another shot of morphine before working on it. You wouldn’t be able to handle it otherwise.”

“Sassanech, I fear that.”

“Talk to me.” I move closer and touch his quivering shoulder. He has to. This secret is a barrier to his treatment and, without proper pain control, will be to his recovery.

“My sister. Janet. She was overwhelmed with grief when she lost one of her bairns. She was at six months and the lass just passed. They delivered her. She was able to hold her. They gave her nerve and pain meds. She was just to take them a few weeks but..”

“She got addicted to them.”

“Aye. Her husband tried to be understanding at first. But, she was a danger to the other bairns. He asked her to get help. She did try but.. At the end all he could do is take them away. She really broke then. The last we heard of her was that she was somewhere in England. We dinna ken where nor how she is living.”

“I am so sorry Hunter. It is a heartbreaking story.”

“Aye. Now you see..”

“I do but.. Look her doctors didn't monitor her. I will be here Hunter. I will not leave you until the drugs are out of your system. I will only leave you when your pain is under control and will not leave you with heavy drugs.”

“Promise.” He looks to her with the eyes of a trusting child, the sweet lad he was before life crashed down on him.

“I do.” He nods.

“Aye lass. Okay.” She gives him another shot and watches the pain leave his body, the tenseness of his body relax, his eyes go from bright with pain to slightly dulled from the meds. He stops sweating and his pulse goes down

“I am going to examine your hand now.” She carefully runs her hand over his knuckles. He has several classic boxers fractures across them. A bad place for a fracture. She will be able to set them even without an x-ray( she knows he will never consent to going to the hospital) but, she will have to carefully monitor him for infection. “You’re broken several of your knuckles. I can set them here but I will need to give you another antibiotic shot and more to take. The risk of Infection is quite high. Without x-ray, I can't tell if you have any bone fragments floating around in there. Understand?”

“I do. Thank ye.”

“Okay. Still numb?”

“I don't feel my hand.”

“Very good. Okay.” She carefully presses them back into place, her hand cradling him, allowing her to monitor his pulse. It jumps with each time she slips another bone into place. That is expected. She is happy that it returns to normal after. The morphine is doing it's job. They both breath a sigh of relief when she is done. “I am going to cast it. I am just going to give us both a minute.” He shakes under the strain and her hands wake a bit too. “Hunter, I am going to built the fire back up.”

“Ye ken how to do that?” She laughs.

“you would be surprised what I know. Rest for a moment. Try to let the tension out.” She moves off the bed and kneels beside the fire. He tries to do as asked but the sight of her kneeling like that brought tension to a different area of his body. He reaches for the throw and covers himself so she won’t see. “Cold? It should warm up here soon.”

“Aye. Thank ye.” She sits back beside him. As they wait for the room to warm up and the adrenaline of the re-setting to fade some, she tries to make conversation.

“Do you have any other siblings?”

“A brother. Had a brother, William.” She shivers under the had. She decides not to ask. The goal is to get him calm.

He waits for her follow-up question. But it doesn’t come, to his relief. Willy, he still misses him badly, him and his mam and da. And Jenny, as dead to him as they are. He only has Ian and the bairns and hasn't seen or talked to them in years. A fitting punishment, he thinks. Though it still feels like his wame is being torn in two.

“Ye Sassanech, have ye any siblings?”

“No. Always wanted one. But, my parents explained that I was the only one my mum could have. After a while, I adjusted. Had a good childhood. I had them and my dad's brother, Uncle Lambert, who I called Lamb.”

“Tis good. Do ye see them?” He asked as she started preparing to put a cast on.

“No, they all passed away. Together. Five years ago. A horrid auto accident.” He gasps.

“Oh Claire, I am sae sorry.”

“Thank you Hunter. I wouldn’t have survived it, I don’t think, without my best mate Gillian. She and Joe keep me from the depths of my grief. But being an orphan really sucks.” She takes his hand and carefully wraps gauze around it.

“It does.” She looks up and meets his eyes that show he understands. Was it the death of his family that drew him into living like this? Didn’t he have a Gillian or Joe? She doesn’t ask just nods. He nods back.

“I am going to apply the cast now. I will then place your arm in a sling. Keeping it up will help with healing and relief pain.���

“Aye.” She wraps the quick drying plaster from his waist to the tips of his fingers.

“I assume this is dominate hand?” She pats the last down.

“Aye. I am a lefty.”

“Sorry. You won’t have use of it for a few months. If you need help, we can send someone to help with cooking and such.”

“Tis' a nice offer Sassanech but, I will manage.” She knew he would say that and decides to check in a couple times a week, just to make sure.

“Okay. I am going to sling it up.” This procedure involves her getting very close to him with her breasts temptingly close. Christ! He closes his eyes and tries to think unsexy thoughts least she feel him. She adjusts the sling and moves away, to his relief and disappointment. “You can remove it to sleep but try to keep it on otherwise.”

“Aye. I will do as ye say.”

“Good.” She gathers up her trash and keeps her eyes down for a moment. She had felt what she was doing to him. But, he is just a patient, no matter how much she sympathizes with his story. No matter how much she is drawn to the mystery of him and the gentleman Scot under the rough hermit mask. She is with Joe. Oh Joe! She hadn't called him! Crap. And she had promised to stay until he was no longer drugged. Double crap. She needs to call him. “Hunter I need to..”

“Jamie.”

“What?”

“My name. Tis Jamie. I felt I owed ye some honesty for all I canna tell.”

“Jamie. Thank you. I will keep it to myself.”

“Thank ye. I was going to ask.”

“I understand the gift you are giving me. I wouldn’t misuse it. When you are ready, if you ever are, I will hear the rest of your story and keep it too.”

“I canna. Not sure I ever can. But thank ye.”

“Jamie, I need to check your pulses and some of your other vitals then, I want you to try to sleep. I promise to be here when you wake up.”

“Ye are spending the night then?”

“I promised to be here until the drugs wear off. If that is okay? I just need to make a quick phone call.”

“It is. I am sorry I messed up your plans.”

“It is alright. Patients first. He understands that.” At least she prays he will. “Be right back.”

[everythingisgayandnothinghurts]

Hands to Heal

This was written for the random words random characters challenge for Marvel writing challenge!! This was fun to write yet heartbreaking. Hope you like it.

My character was Bruce Banner and my words were intelligent evening and long

As the years went by it was more and more common for Bruce not to have a full eight hours of sleep.  Hell, he was lucky if he got six on a regular basis. The world seemed to be ending more and more often,  which caused more missions to come up. Even though he bowed out of missions whenever he could due to his green tendencies normally causing more harm than good, he was called upon to help with medical problems here and there.  When the call came through from Steve at four in the morning he was only a bit surprised since four of them had left around nine. Steve, Bucky, Tony, and Natasha had dealt with what had seemed to be a small alien nest in the middle of Kansas. He rolled out of bed and went about prepping the med bay since Steve had said it was a case of major blood loss and that it would require some work.  

“They called finally?” Bruce glanced up at the young voice to see Peter lingering in the doorway. He should have known the youngest avenger wouldn't be sleeping until Tony was back safely.

“Should be back-” Bruce was forced to cut himself short when they heard the whir of the jet faintly above them.  “Now it would seem. “

“Who got hurt?” Peter asked anxiously with his mouth in a pinched thin line.  The worry was rolling off of him in waves, his hands twisting together as his brown eyes fixed to the door now instead.  

“They didn't tell me actually, “ Bruce frowned to himself,  annoyed he couldn't even get a blood transfusion ready without a name.  Steve had made the situation sound quite dire, and yet had left out a very important detail.  Peter suddenly stiffened and Bruce only wondered why for a moment before the shrieking reached his ears as well. The voice sounded much younger than anyone that had gone out on the mission last night and full of the kind of agony you would never want to imagine.  

“What the ever loving-” He was cut short again by the door nearly hitting Peter in the face as Tony slammed it open and held it for Steve bringing in a young girl with brown locks spilling over his arm.  Bucky brought up the rear and Bruce felt a slight stab of worry over the whereabouts of his favorite redhead. They may no longer have any romantic interest, but she was still one of his favorite people on the planet easily.  “Who the hell is this?”

“Civilian, “ Steve said shortly as he laid the young girl down on the bed.  Blood soaked the sheet quickly but the source wasn't immediately apparent.

“You're letting civilians into the Avengers compound now?” Bruce directed toward Tony, surprised his arms weren't full of a worried kid yet.  Peter was busy getting towels and O Negative blood ready for him as a matter of fact. He had adopted the method of keeping himself busy to deal with the stress of these kinds of things.

“It's funny you think Cap really gives us choices. “ Tony said dryly, leaning against the far wall with his eyes fixed on their guest. “He had her on the jet before I even had a chance to tell him he was-”

“Can we just save someone?” Steve's voice was much sharper than usual and Bruce nearly flinched at the unexpectedly harsh tone.  He had gotten the blankets off of her as well as the clothes and nearly lost his stomach at the sight. The blood was coming from her gaping abdomen with the organs just about spilling out of her.  Burns covered what skin he could see and they were oozing and appeared to be nearly third degree. Peter appeared at his shoulder and he couldn't contain his gasp at all. Tony moved to pull him to the side and presumably into his arms, but Bruce laid a hand on Peters shoulder first.

“Since you gave me nothing to work off of in the middle of the night I'm going to need his help if I have any hope to save her.  Peter has learned a lot. “ Peter had expressed interest in the medical world as a surprise to them all and Bruce had a feeling he would end up making some brilliant devices for the medical world down the line.  

“Peter isn't even qualified in any way to actually help her, “ Steve still had that harsh tone to his voice that made it nearly unrecognizable. He had been off lately with the increase in missions and the strain was getting to the captain.  

“Let them work Steve, “ Bucky's voice was still soft as he none too gently pulled Steve away from beside the table.

“You have to save her Banner.  I watched her parents die and she can't…  not like this. “ Steve glanced at them all one last time before he was dragged away to change out of the uniform covered in dried blood.  

The shock was keeping this young woman awake and her wide green eyes stared at him in pain and fear.  

“Darling what's your name?” Bruce asked gently as he got the supplies for an IV ready to hopefully get her knocked out before the pain could kick in any more.  She was panting heavily to keep from screaming and tears rolled down her pale cheeks.

“Am I going to die?” She asked with her voice shaking and the words barely intelligible. “Where are my parents? Where am I?” She was shaking like a leaf and Peter was staring at her in horror.

“Just tell me your name, “ Bruce coaxed gently to keep her gaze on him.

“E-Evelyn, “ She said shakily and he slipped the needle into her vein without the girl noticing considering her other injuries.

“Evelyn, you are going to be just fine. “ Bruce could only pray he was actually telling something close to the truth. “I'm going to give you something to help you sleep and when you wake up we will have you feeling so much better, okay?”

“Mommy and Daddy?” Her voice got younger in that moment if that was possible.  She was likely not yet a teenager but in that moment she could have been younger than eight easily.

“It's going to be alright, “ Bruce told her softly once again.  He swallowed thickly and had to put aside her wide eyes and get to work as quickly as he could as she finally went to sleep.

“I can start dressing the burns, “ Peter got into quick and careful action to peel off what charred  flesh he could as Bruce tried to cauterize the wound and wonder how he would even patch this up enough until Helen and her team could get here to do the proper work.  This girl had no real chance… and he would have to watch her die under his hand.

Peter still hadn't gotten used to the smell of burning flesh, but he was doing much better than last time and kept his focus on his task.  Bruce was busy searching for any damage to the organs he could repair so he could pack and wrap the abdomen as quickly as possible. His gloves were quickly soaked in blood and the squish as he worked made his eyes burn. This girl wasn't even Peters age yet and Bruce's heart broke often enough working on him from time to time. At least Peter had Tony to hold him through it, but if this girl ever woke she would be completely alone in the world like so many of them had been before finding one another.  He had to wonder if it would have been kinder to let her go with her family. If she was this damaged then he could assume she was probably one of the only survivors from her city.

No sooner had that thought crossed his mind than the monitor flat lined almost the minute he had gotten her bleeding under control and the wound packed. He was no true professional but he had always hoped he had learned enough to make a difference in situations like this.  

He wasted no time in starting CPR, praying for this young girl not to die under his very hands.  Peter looked lost as his hands hovered over her body and his large brown eyes fixed to the monitor holding her vitals.  He didn't want Peter to watch someone die, but he couldn't even find enough breath to tell the young man to leave. Her body jostled as he tried to get her heart to start working on its own once again. The moments seemed to stretch on forever as he kept praying and hoping in a way he hadn't for ages.  

He was barely aware of gentle hands taking him by the shoulder until he was forced off her small body and could only stare at her pale skin and the wave of her hair as it trained nearly to the floor. Peter was crying across from him and holding her pale and lifeless hand.

“it's over Bruce, “ Tony said to him softly, still gripping his shoulders and he could swear it was the only way he was still standing.  His knees felt weak and he fought weakly to do something, anything, to let this not be the end. They had all lost enough over time and he had always wanted to have hands that healed rather than harm.  He had warred with himself enough over the green other half he had almost no control over and the medical training had been all that had helped him. The thought that he could help someone else even when the same hands could tear a human apart effortlessly if the Hulk chose to do so.  “You did all you could Bruce. Steve was an idiot to bring her back. “

“She was just a girl, “ Bruce whispered as he let himself be guided to a chair and fought the burning behind his eyes. The feeling of worthlessness washed over him like it hadn't in years now.  She had barely been under his care for an hour and she was gone. Tony was now holding Peter close and whispering to him softly as the boy openly cried. He shouldn't have seen any of this and once again he was too useless to stop that from happening as well.  

He felt completely numb by the time Tony returned except for the way his heart ached horribly in his chest.  He kept hearing her young voice screaming, pleading, and terrified. He could only picture the screams of people the Avengers once again failed to save. The destruction and horror witnessed before their lives were taken from them forever.  Having a dark side wasn't a new thing for him, but having it so visible to everyone else was.

Tony's footfalls were soft and even now as he quietly came across the room.  Evelyn's corpse was still in the room with them since Bruce hadn't had the strength to get a body bag out yet.  Helen's team would be here within the hour probably on a useless call and maybe she could do it this time since he just couldn't.

Bruce, please don't do this, “ Tony begged softly as he crouched in front of him.  His brown eyes were darker than Peter's, but just as kind at the moment. “You don't have to feel responsible for this.  Steve had some guilt complex and he never should have out saving her on you. He's frustrated that lately our missions have cost so many lives of innocents.  It doesn't give him any kind of right, but I can at least kind of forgive him this one.”

“I told her it would be alright, and I couldn't even keep her alive through the night. I was so useless and helpless to save her. She was just laying there bleeding faster than I could stop it. “ Bruce's voice was hoarse with unshed tears.

“You are so far from useless or hopeless my friend. “ Tony said quietly.  “Peter and myself both owe our lives to you several times over by now. My life in more ways than medically.  Steve knew she was a lost cause when we got here. He sent you on a fools errand and I'm sorry.”

“Steve wasn't the only one who wanted to see some good for a change, “ Bruce felt tears slip down his cheeks and that was the cue for Tony to sit next to him and pull him close as well.  He must have been tired from staying awake all night for that journey halfway across the country but his hands were firm as he held him close. He clutched on to his best friends arm tightly and tried to remember more good than bad that his hands had done.

[justcallmemav]

7/20/18

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Pt.20

--------------------------

“You didn't get along with her, so this shouldn't be affecting you this bad.”

(She saw how you treated me and wanted to adopt me.)

“You trust people too easy, girl.”

( I had known him for 13 years. I built that trust. )

“You put yourself in this situation.”

( I didn't ask for it.)

“I never liked him anyways, trash grew legs and took itself out.”

(I loved him for five years.)

▪▪   ·I love you, mom. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be.

---

▪▪   ·I'm at work I'll message you when I'm off. Ly2.

---

▪▪   ·I could use a call right now.

---

▪▪  ·Can't talk right now, will call tomorrow. You'll be fine for a day.

--------------------------------------------------

▪  You're my best friend. I love you. I can't take it anymore.

---------

▪   I think this is it.

--------------------------------------------------

▪▪▪  Thank you for always loving me unconditionally. You're the greatest sister anyone could ask for. I love you. You're better off without me.

--------------------------------------------------

      You came to visit me two days after i was taken into the hospital on july 20th at 9 o'clock at night.

      I was drinking an excessive amount within the matter of two hours.

     Within the last few minutes of the second hour, I saw the walls of the world around me collapsing.

This is it.

I have nothing left.

     My mind wouldn't rest. I took a xanax but it didn't help ease my mind.

     It sure couldn't mend my broken heart.

                  This was the last time.

It didn't work before.

           It has to work now.

                          So I begged, and I cried.

I prayed to a God I wasn't even sure existed.

Please take me now.

        I want to come home.

                      I think I'm ready now.

JUST TAKE ME NOW. I AM READY. PLEASE FUCKING TAKE ME. I'M READY.

      I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I made the choice to give into my thoughts and my depression. I made the choice to finalize this shit I consider living. This existence. This truly was it. This is the end.

      I let my hands trace their way to my fate. To my drawer. Opening the pill bottle. Where the palm of my hand met my lips to fill my mouth with what I knew would make everything better soon. Next thing I know, my body was lured to the bottle of vodka as it stands at the end of the bed. I wrap my fingers tight around the neck of the bottle, lips to the glass. Down the hatch and into the rabbit hole I go. I feel my body spiral. Down...down...down...down…

                      Boom

                         So bitter.

                        Yet so good.

Was this the only way i could be happy again?

I will reach the numbness I yearn to undergo.

I've heard the rumors.

Does it seem as free as they say?

            Then along came the thump.

                       ALAS~

Nothingness.

Darkness. No voices, no pain, no criticism. Just the echoes of my heart beat.

Thump.. Thump….. Thump….

After what felt like days… the darkness fades steadily. The numbness dissolves like ice through my fingertips.

               Off in the distance I hear something. A cry? A car? A siren? A siren.

I struggle to come to consciousness.

                 I find it nearly impossible.

Then out of the blue, I hear a voice.

                A voice so faint and familiar.

After some time, I can open my eyes half way as I slip back into consciousness.

My vision is hazy. I managed to come to when I hear her voice.

“Cayley, there's some people here who need you to get up and come outside. They need to check on you.”

I see the pigments from the lights spinning on their vehicles, bouncing off of the brick walls on the outside of my home, but it's all blurry.

       I struggled to stand as I stepped through my threshold to go outside.

Who needs to talk to me? About what? Why?

I look up and see two policemen and a paramedic. I begin to hyperventilate.

“Is my dad okay?”

Ma'am, we received a call stating that you may be a harm to yourself, so I ask that you don't resist help. Are you able to follow us to the back of the ambulance, ma'am?

·I haven't done anything and I'm not a harm to myself.

·For your own safety we need to make sure that's true. We can't take risks, miss.

·I'm sorry, please ma'am let go of my arm, I don't need help. GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME I AM FINE.

I hear my father talking to the police officer but couldn't make out what they were saying over dad's coworker crying and all of the sounds around me. I panicked. I heard my dad speaking once more, only this time it was directed at me.

He asked me three things.

“CAYLEY BABY WHAT’D YOU DO?”

“WHAT DID YOU TAKE?”

My hearing began to fade slowly, as I focused on the ringing gradually developing in my head. I could ever so slightly hear the walkie talkies and daddys office keys jingling in his pocket. I heard Sues charm bracelet that she loves so much.

I felt my heartbeat through my chest, as if it was trying to escape. I feel my heart rate descend,  I look up to see what was around me. Everyone was there.

I saw my father crying and shaking.

 I saw his girlfriend crying.

    I saw my father's coworker crying.

          I was embarrassed.

Yet, too weak to care.

I muttered to the medic under my breath;

“I'm ready to go. Ma'am please take me.”

I collapse, but the woman was quick to catch me. She definitely had motherly instincts. Not even 2 seconds after i collapsed, I lose consciousness.

          I woke up in the back of an ambulance. I'm being hovered by two men with papers on clipboards and the medic who stopped me from busting my ass on concrete. They're bombarding me with questions and demands.

“Your oxygen levels are low, ma'am. I need you to inhale and exhale on ten. The oxygen being distributed through the tubes in your nostrils is a bit cold. Just a fair warning. Are you physically capable of removing your tunnels, lip piercing, your engagement ring, and whatever else pierced or on your person that could be a threat to yourself of me?”

“Do I have to take off my ring?”

“Yes ma'am, unfortunately it's code. We'll put it in this bag. It will stay unbothered. Please remove your piercings.”

Shortly after I began hyperventilating because I couldn't stop crying, and boom.

All consciousness was lost.

How could I harm anyone with a ring?

She should have been patient, anyways.

~Don't rush me.~

       You asked me why I did it. It took you two days, it took my father less than 60 seconds to get to me when he saw the ambulance at the door.

       You took 48 hours to muster the pride to visit me, and when you did, you showed no emotion at all. You hugged me that day and I felt no love.

        I was barely aware of what was going on, yet I somehow sensed tension coming from your end. As if you were forcing yourself to care when deep down you knew you didn't.

I felt like I was being smothered by a well maintained, ‘JLo Glo’ scented greeting mat.

          Even when I was much younger and you would stay in and drink, you'd hug me and I felt this giant strange force field of motherly love surrounding me, if that makes any sense. There was a step by step process of your home drunk persona and it went the same way every time.. but I'll get to that in a moment.

    Anyways, I'm still thankful you showed. Even two days late. You had me slightly convinced that you actually cared.

ALMOST. I was informed of the insensitive remarks you made to my father about me.  You really had the audacity to turn around and say I was wanting everyone to be worried about CAYLEY because ‘everything has to be about CAYLEY and CAYLEY was just looking for attention'.

         Like I didn't come home from school and take two steps through the threshold only to see you crying because you got dumped. You threatened to end your life. (Because you loved this man so much. The man you are with now. 9 years later. The man you use for money. Whom you cheat on)  Me and your biological daughter took you and admitted you.

         I felt like i betrayed you, but i needed you to be alive. For...whatever reason. I guess cos y'know.. a 12 year old needs a parent. You came home and the meds they gave you calmed you down, but you liked that too much. You quickly became dependent, actually you still are. You contradict yourself too often.

         Don't you remember what I have been put through..? By you, mostly. You were and still are so hypocritical that it makes me chuckle. Sigh- anyways, I couldn't fully comprehend anything you said during our visit. I couldn't gather the energy to move nor look at you, let alone reply to your bullshit motherhood quotes.

        You left when the time was up, two weeks go by in a blur still ever so slowly, and they transfer me. People were able to reach out to me. A handful of people I love and cherish which includes my sister, my father, his girlfriend... the woman who has been more of a mother to me than you ever were.

       It didn't take much time after me being in that God forsaken inpatient facility for me to be pulled aside by a nurse in a confidential manner. My brain threw around every possible reason as to why she was doing this.

--------------------------------------------------

Am I going home?

Are they moving me again?

What did I do wrong?

--------------------------------------------------

  ~ Nothing, stop with the assumptions~

    She informed me that I had received multiple calls from a woman saying she is my mother but she couldn't pass it through because another woman, who ALSO claimed to be my parent/caregiver, had requested that this number (she was giving me )go on a restricted no contact list. She handed me a sheet of paper with with a number on it. Buttttt, it wasn't yours. So I had no idea what was going on. Who's my caregiver? Did my sister put you on the no call list? Nope. It wasn't your number and you never do wrong, so you denied having anything to do with that whole thing. I decided to call the number while the addiction groups were in the other room. I had no reason to be there so I had time to meditate, draw, socialize, or find out who was on the other end of that phone line.

It's obvious what I chose.

It took a few tries until someone finally answered. When they did I felt like an idiot. How could I not know.

You hated her because of how hard she tried to see me and my siblings. You had so many hateful things to say about her, yet no validation. It made you angrier when you told us about her then made her out to be a bad guy and we still got in touch with her. You hated that, didn't you. You hated it because the truth was going to come out if we found her.

Lady, I met my real mother when i was 11 years old. That was the day my father bought my favorite hat… a black fedora with a blue stripe inside of a purple stripe in the middle (which I still own). I was wearing this black shirt with a red graphic design on the front and back that was WAY too baggy on me and a pair of cuffed blue jeans, I do believe. It's been eight years, I have great memory but I'm not special like that.

If it weren't for daddy, my sister, and my brother... I would've never known who she was. Well, when I finally got ahold of my biological mother on the phone the day after I received the number by the nurse… she was genuinely upset. She said one thing that will stick to my brain for the rest of my life.

“I lost you once I can't lose you again”

You won't have to.

[anxietalyn]

ACL reconstruction

so. last week on Tuesday I got ACL surgery, and I've looked on a few tags on Tumblr for tips and what to expect. but, I didn't find a lot, and when I did they weren't really descriptive. so ima do one to maybe help some folks out. this is tips and my experience so far.

Edit: this turned out waaaay longer than I thought it would

THIS IS ALL BASED ON MY SURGERY AND RECOVERY. I'M NOT SAYING THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT WILL GO. I WENT TO A TOP ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON BC MY FAMILY HAD HEARD A LOT ABOUT MY DUDE AND THEY TOOK MY INSURANCE(he turns out to be one of the top orthopedic surgeons in Texas. If you live in the Houston, Texas area, the dude is Dr. Barrett Brown at Fondren Orthopedic Group in the medical center. whoop.) :

if you have the time, money, and availability, go to therapy a few weeks before the surgery. it'll strengthen the muscles in the injured leg, and the leg that isn't going under the knife. it'll help you after the surgery when you're having to use crutches or a walker. trust me on that. I was going to therapy 7 1/2 before my surgery. my orthopedic said that I should've gone at least six weeks.

when I went to therapy for the first time after tearing my ACL and MCL back in October, he was concerned. *I was also in a wheelchair for ten days*.

don't do that

I wish I would've looked up how or asked a family who is a doctor how to use crutches. because I was miserable in that wheelchair. my muscles in my left leg(injured leg) shrinked because they weren't used in a week and a half. and my leg muscles are pretty strong for my height and weight. that was the most difficult part of therapy leading up to last Tuesday. the fact that my strength and body changed.

if you're learning how to use them, or they are unavailable for a day or so, go ahead and use a wheelchair. bc, I'll be honest, it is a lot easier.

You might be at the hospital for a while before they take you in. I was told to be at my surgeon's office at 9:30, and I wasn't taken back for prep until 13:00(1:00pm)

You might also be in the prep area for a bit.. but there is where you get the hospital dress, no-slide socks, a "fall risk" bracelet(which I should've gotten when I started to walk when I was little bc I'm hella clumsy), your IV, I was offered a numbing shot for the area of the IV but I dunno if that's universal

if you have a family member or friend back there with you, ask for them to distract you. I had my goofy brother to make faces at me

if you are offered that numbing shot, they will tell you this, but for about ten seconds it burns like hell

at my hospital, everyone who would be in the OR had to come introduce themselves before surgery, so if you have any questions, ask! they are there to answer your questions. no matter if you think they're stupid.

my Anesthesiologist(the dude who gives the knock out juice) came over, asked if this is my first surgery, and when I told him yes, he explained EVERYTHING. He said that all the folks in the room(for me it was 6) would come by, ask my name, birthday, what was happening during the surgery, and which leg. he then said that the anaesthesia I would get was a non-narcotic which is to help you not throw up after surgery(which I didn't).

five more people then introduced themselves

when they were wheeling me to the OR, they said it would be cold so they gave me a second blanket

they wheeled me up to the table, had me crawl onto it, had a foam pillow for my head, and extended arm holders for my arms to lay outta the way

Steve(anesthesiologist) then asked if I was ready, I said I was scared. one of the nurses then held my hand as he put in the knock out juice. he then said I did good, and to help the anaesthesia work faster, put an oxygen over my nose and mouth until I was out.(last thing I remember)

when I woke up, I was still in the OR, but I was incredibly dis-oriented. I know ASL, so I started signing "want brother" over and over. none of the OR folks knew what I was signing, so they found someone who knows a little ASL and they interpreted what i was signing

they told my that I had to wait for a little bit so they could check to make sure my vitals and wrap up my leg(it's a 30 minute waiting period)

when my parents came in, I was offered sprite(You can't eat anything after ten o'clock the night before, or drink anything(even water) after midnight.) because my sugar level was low

!!!start drinking water a week before the surgery!!!it's so much more difficult to find a good vein for the IV!!! my grandma was poked seven times in different places to find a good juicy vein!!!

the anaesthesia will most likely make you feel weird.

I called everyone cute. everyone. nurse, doctor, patient, people who I don't know. everyone. I asked my nurse out on a date. I told my mom who Is married she's jealous of my "mad flirting skills"

You need to eat something on your way home. I stopped and got soup to-go. I recommend soup, just because it is easy on the tummy

You will not have an appetite for at least a week. regardless, you need to eat protein during recovery bc it'll help your Incision.

I keep repeating this but. YOU NEED TO EAT. YOU WILL NOT FEEL LIKE IT. BUT EAT. I AM AN 18-YEAR OLD AND I GO TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE SO I STAYED HOME. I HAD THREE PEOPLE TELLING ME TO EAT. AND ONE WHO FORCED ME TO EAT. GET YOU SOMEONE THAT WILL MAKE YOU EAT WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.

your leg will hurt. there's no way to sugar coat. it will hurt a lot.

find something to distract yourself. my Alma Mater was in the state championship for football, and I love football and star wars. I watched The Force Awakens an ungodly amount, that I could quote every. single. character.

just find things to do that you don't need to exert yourself too much. I like colouring books, reading, and watching movies. just have something to do while you recover. please.

you'll get prescribed four things: pain medicine, meds for muscle spasms, meds to help with nausea, and a shot that helps prevent blood clots in my leg while I can't move it regularly

I'm about six days into recovery, and the shots are the worst part currently.

The first three to four days are the worst of it. your nerves are waking up, you're getting used to not bending your knee, your learning how to walk again. they are just bad.

take the pain med when your pain level is a 3 or 4 on a 1-10 scale. it'll kick in right before it gets too bad

on that note. DON'T LET SOMEONE TELL YOU HOW BAD YOU HURT. YOUR BODY. YOUR PAIN. EVERYONE'S PAIN TOLERENCE IS DIFFERENT.

when you stand, it will hurt.

when you put pressure on it, it will hurt.

when you move it, it will hurt.

when you hit it(on anything), it will hurt.

when you have to adjust the brace strap that is riiiiight on top of the incision, it will hurt like no other.

that pain, will pass.

I PROMISE you that the pain will reduce. in the moment it may seem like your leg is on fire, but fight on, Strong Warrior. fight on.

elevate your leg from behind your ankle

elevate when ever you can. you're told to, and 10/10 recommend it because it will reduce swelling

you're gonna swell anyways. a little bit of swelling is normal. it's your body trying to heal it's self.

don't take Ibuprofen: it flushed out the good things that the swelling is bringing to heal your body

ice your knee. ice. ice. ice. it will help with over swelling

you don't HAVE to elevate your foot while you sleep though.

You will not sleep for a couple nights. it will suck. it will be frustrating. and it will awful. last night was the first night since Tuesday(it's a Monday) that I got more than four hours of sleep. You will eventually get sleep though. and personally, I was able to take small naps during the day.

I personally, have self-harm scars on my left thigh. so I was slightly uncomfortable with people being around them. You'll have to have someone wrap an ace bandage around your leg(mine is wrapped from my ankle to mid thigh.). Have someone you are comfortable with touching them wrap your leg.

You may not always be fully comfortable during recovery, but try to get as comfy as you can

Go to physical therapy.

it will help(and it's prescribed)

and for goodness sake. Do your at home exercises they give you. they seem like a waste of time, but they honestly do help.

find a PT group you like. **look on your insurance to find a place that is "in network". it'll cost a whole bunch less.**

for PT it's completely okay to go to different people until you feel comfortable. You will do so much better when you're with someone you trust and can tell they know their shit.

I'm curious by nature, and my therapist has the alphabet behind his name. so if you get a card, Google the letters!

for example, the alphabet behind his name is: PT, DPT, FAAOMPT. When I searched them, I found that PT is the good ol' fashioned Physical Therapist. DPT is Doctorate of Physical Therapy. and FAAOMPT is  American Academy of Orthopedic Manual Physical Therapists("The “Fellow” is a physical therapist who has demonstrated advanced clinical, analytical, and hands-on skills in the treatment of musculoskeletal orthopedic disorders and is internationally recognized for their competence and expertise in the practice of manual physical therapy." Basically, my dude knows his shit).

Warning though, if you're curious about what a certain exercise does, and you ask,they might touch your body and physically show you what muscle the exercise works. and while you're doing an exersice, if you're doing it wrong, they will fix your position themself. this is why I say find someone your comfortable with. They are very hands on. I was lucky because the first one I went to, we hit it off. we both have mutual interests, and he isn't annoyed when I sass him. he sasses me back.

In pictures of me within a couple weeks of the operation, you can see how swollen my foot is. the brace I have is a pretty general brace, and it I locked straight. I cannot bend my leg while I have it on. under it is two ace bandages, and then on my incision there is a steri-strip. My nurse said not to touch it/try to remove it because it's keeping it clean and helping it heal. I got four holes in my knee for a camera and tools. the graph that is now my ACL is from my Patellar tendon, so the incision is between 6-8 inches.

I'll continue to update this as my recovery continues. and if you have any questions, feel free to message or send me an ask!