#hc; clipped wings I was a broken thing | backstory

[hawksights]

There’s a reason why Riza loves quiet. Outside of growing up in a rural environment, it’s because their hearing is not as good as a normal person’s due to frequent gun usage from a young age.

Granted, they use ear protection whenever possible, and this was true when they still lived on the estate, but their hearing is still a little below average. Guns do a lot of damage to a person’s hearing, and they don’t always have the choice to wear ear protection in the field. This was especially true in Ishval where Riza primarily used sniper rifles, which are louder than their typical side-arm.

The above is from Riza’s time in Ishval. Obviously, it is difficult to see whether or not they used ear protection, but it is unlikely due to being on the front lines. They needed to hear their surroundings (enemy movement/fire, for example). Ear damage was likely common throughout the war because of this, and it’s one reason Riza learned ASL. Additionally, look at the weapon they’re using as well. It is not a small rifle.

Now, while Riza’s hearing may be below the average human’s, they are still incredibly observant. They tap into their senses more than most, and they make the most out of the hearing they do have. In essence, this is their hypervigilance at work, and it is incredibly difficult for them to get out of that mode. They don’t know any other way to exist.

[hawksightsarc]

Just here to say that Riza's medical records are a mess. Even before she joined the military, stinky man did not take her to a doctor. Like hell did he want anyone seeing his alchemy tattooed on her back. Also, regularly seeing a doctor was a pain, and he did not take care of himself anyway.

Joining the military was a challenge because she had to risk getting exposed by medical professionals. So, what did Riza do? Lied. Everything else about her service record is above board (save for, you know, Ishval). Her medical records? Forged. Lied about. Hidden.

There is only one doctor she trusts, and that would be Knox. He oversaw her condition when Roy burned her back before they left Ishval (since they had to be careful). Even then, Knox has never seen the array in full, and he didn't want to. Roy told him what needed to happen, a vague description of why, and that was it. Nothing else.

[hawksights]

Riza does not view her body in a positive light. It’s hard to say if she ever did.

To start with, Riza’s almost always had an athletic build. She was an active child who enjoyed being outdoors whenever she could. Climbing trees, hiking, hunting, gardening, and fishing were just a few things she liked doing, and none of those account for all of the chores she did around the house. After her mother passed, taking care of the house and her father fell on Riza’s shoulders. That meant a lot of moving around, cleaning, and finding ways to keep the lights on and their cupboard stocked.

It was not an easy childhood, but she survived. To her, not much else matters.

After joining the military, she continued to stay in shape. Sniper gear isn’t light, and she put in the effort to make sure she could carry it. Her diet became more balanced and regular with the routine being in the military provided. She does take her health seriously, and she does everything possible to stay at the top of her game not just for her sake, but for Mustang’s. If she’s not at her best, then it reflects on how well she protects him.

All in all, one might think that, with her appearance and physique, she views herself in at least a slightly positive light. She doesn’t. Her body still barely feels like it belongs to her. It will always have her father’s legacy, the secrets of flame alchemy, whether she likes it or not. The burns erasing part of the tattoo doesn’t make it much better. They’ll be with her for the rest of her life as well, and they’re hard to look at. They don’t feel particularly nice either.

But, the burn scars are better than having the entire tattoo intact. The average alchemist wouldn’t be able to decipher it, but she still refuses to take the chance. There can’t ever be another flame alchemist.

Her decision to have Mustang burn at least part of her back was the first decision she ever made for herself about her body. To her father, she was nothing more than a canvas for his alchemy, not a human being. The second choice she ever made in regards to her body is about her hair. She had to keep her hair short for years so her father could tattoo her back—because he had to do it in parts, her healing process took a long time. Seeing Winry in Resembool was the first time she thought to grow her hair out for herself. She got to make a choice about her own body instead of someone else. Since it doesn’t interfere with her work, and her burn scars don’t bother her as much anymore, she keeps it long for now.

Calling her beautiful gets mixed results. She’ll be hesitant to reply positively to compliments about her physical appearance with anything outside of a short “thank you.” The people complimenting her can’t see the scars or the tattoo—they’d change their tune if they could. Riza compares herself to other women regularly when it comes to beauty too, but she won’t voice it. Being vulnerable around others isn’t allowed. That emotional scar will hasn’t healed, and she’s not sure it ever will.

[hawksights]

Gender roles played a large part in how Riza views her gender. Her mother was subservient to her father, and he expected the same out of his daughter. Girls weren’t supposed to roughhouse, get dirty, hunt, or do anything that seemed even remotely masculine. They were supposed to be polite, speak only when spoken to, and, above all else, caregivers. That was what Riza was raised with, and her father enforced it more after her mother died.

Though, she didn’t stay strictly within these boundaries. She hunted, fished, got dirty, and was generally outside more than not. Part of that was to escape her father while another part of it had to do with making sure they had food and money. Berthold didn’t venture out of the house that much, especially as his health began to decline in the early 1900s.

Generally speaking, Riza views herself as a woman while rejecting stereotypical gender roles and femininity. Occasionally, she can be found wearing skirts or keeping her hair down, but she doesn’t gravitate towards those things. Makeup isn’t her thing either—though, she knows how to apply some of it. Her clothing choices tend to be practical and comfortable.

Another key factor about Riza’s relationship with her gender has to do with how she views her body. Because of the tattoo on her back, she doesn’t feel like she gets much of a choice in how she expresses herself through clothing. Her body didn’t really start feeling like hers and solely hers until after she had part of the tattoo burned. Even then, she has to keep it covered. No one can know about the array. No one else can know what her father did.

There are times when Riza doesn’t identify as a woman either. There are times when she isn’t comfortable being called a woman, girl, or other gendered terms. Part of that comes from not feeling comfortable in her own skin for long. Another factor is that she’s well aware her father wanted a son, not a daughter. Whether or not he realized it, Berthold Hawkeye did a lot of damage to his child’s self-image and psyche.

On days when she doesn’t want to feel feminine, she’ll attempt to make herself appear more androgynous or masculine. She’ll bind and wear slightly looser clothing if she can; her job will always come before her physical or mental comfort. Thankfully, the Amestrian uniform is standard no matter what, and she’s grown accustomed to wearing her hair up (with an elastic or a clip).

TLDR: Riza is a demi-woman who mostly uses she/her pronouns, but will also accept they/them and the occasional he/him.

[hawksightsarc]

There was a period of time during and after the war when Riza hated Roy. Absolutely loathed him, didn't trust him, and wanted nothing to do with him because of what he did with flame alchemy. She felt incredibly betrayed by his actions during the war, and that sort of betrayal was something she took years to recover from.

It was only through him keeping his word that there would never be another flame alchemist, and he would do everything he possibly could to ensure a war like that would never happen again, that she began to heal. What also helped was the amount of trust he placed in her, and he didn't expect any back. He placed his life in her hands, telling her that if she thought he deviated from his set path, she could take action.

That's how the two of them are so in sync years later. She saw that trust, and she let it build back up on her end.

[hawksightsarc]

Berthold Hawkeye wanted a son, and this is something Riza was acutely aware of growing up. That's part of why she "consented" to the tattoo on her back. She badly wanted her father's love, and she knew alchemy was essentially the only way to get it. Unfortunately, "allowing" the tattoo didn't have the desired results.

[hawksightsarc]

When it comes to love languages for Riza, she gives in quality time and acts of service, and she receives in physical touch and words of affirmation.

Unfortunately, her relationship with touch is complicated thanks to Berthold. She hates that she wants someone to hold her once in a while, even if it's just her hand. It's something she doesn't say aloud. With most people, she's quite touch averse, and she won't allow that sort of closeness without a high level of trust. She will say she is an acts of service person when it comes to receiving as well as giving, and she'll avoid the subject almost entirely.

There are a couple parts of her relationship with touch that need work. Here's one of them: she doesn't want someone who says they loved her to hurt her again. Not like Berthold. Roy burned her back because she asked him to, but it came from a deep emotional betrayal. If she lets someone make physical contact with her, it's always brief. Never more than a few seconds.

Another facet of her mentality that needs work, and this stems not just from Berthold but from Ishval as well, is the fact that she doesn't believe she deserves affection. Or love. She believes her life is supposed to be relatively empty now because of the pain she caused in Ishval, and no one could love a killer like her. Berthold also made it clear to her on numerous occasions, outright and subtly, that he didn't love her, and thus she didn't believe she was worth loving.

TLDR: Riza lies to herself and others about what she wants when it comes to physical contact, and that's mostly due to her complicated history and relationship with it.

[hawksights]

Riza only started using contractions in their speech after she spent more time around Roy and the military. Before that, she rarely if ever used them. Her father encouraged formal speaking habits around him. To this day, when she gets nervous, she reverts back to speaking without them.

[hawksights]

Riza can’t ask for help. They learned that lesson young, and it stuck. If they needed something, they had to get it themself. If they wanted something, they had to work for it or go without. Relying on anyone else was a literal hazard to their health, so they refused to. Even after they joined the military, they struggled with the mindset of letting other soldiers watch their back.

As for helping others, they’ll bend over backwards to make sure everyone around them is okay. They took care of their father for years without doing the same for themself, so they grew accustomed to this role. Their own needs will go unmet if no one calls them out on it. The fact that they’re not more of a people-pleaser is a testament to how much work they’ve put in to establishing boundaries.

[hawksights]

Riza knows how to use other weapons besides guns. Crossbows in particular were useful for hunting on the Hawkeye estate since they made considerably less noise. Put a ranged weapon in her hands, and there’s a 90% chance she’ll either know how to use it, or she’ll be able to figure it out in five minutes.

[hawksights]

Riza could not safely show emotions around Berthold. Period. He made that very clear to her, and he always wanted her on her best behavior. No matter what mood he had, she was expected to take it with grace and levelheadedness. When Roy entered the picture, Berthold told her that she couldn’t get close to him either. “He’s here to study alchemy, not for you.” She was basically expected to be seen and not heard with him.

Berthold essentially isolated Riza from all other people, and that included Roy. She was expected to come home straight from school to tend to the house. Having friends was impossible. Roy was the first person she got close to, but Berthold’s damage was done. She couldn’t show her feelings. If she did, she’d be punished or put down for them. She didn’t want to burden Roy with anything either, so she just didn’t talk about her feelings.

[hawksights]

One might think Riza should hate alchemy considering her history with it. The neglect she endured from her father, tattoo forced on her back, the atrocities she witnessed in Ishval—she had every right to loathe it. However, while she doesn’t have a full grasp of alchemy, and she doesn’t desire to, she’ll never hate it. She’ll only hate those who use it to harm others.

Not only that, but there is one important fact to consider: Berthold Hawkeye considered his alchemy more important than Riza. He saw her as a canvas, a place to put the world’s most dangerous form of alchemy. Roy Mustang didn’t. He saw her as a person worthy of respect. He never talked down to her, treated her like an object, or even shied away from her in Ishval.

By no means was Roy Mustang perfect. She knows this, and she was deeply hurt by what he used flame alchemy for during the war. However, she fully believes in his desire to make amends for those actions, and she knows her hands aren’t completely clean either.

[hawksights]

tag dump #2

[hawksightsarc]

Riza could not safely show emotions around Berthold. Period. He made that very clear to her, and he always wanted her on her best behavior. No matter what mood he had, she was expected to take it with grace and levelheadedness. When Roy entered the picture, Berthold told her that she couldn't get close to him either. "He's here to study alchemy, not for you." She was basically expected to be seen and not heard with him.

Too bad Roy noticed her.

Berthold essentially isolated Riza from all other people, and that included Roy. She was expected to come home straight from school to tend to the house. Having friends was impossible. Roy was the first person she got close to, and even then... Berthold's damage was done. She couldn't show her feelings. If she did, she'd be punished or put down for them. She didn't want to burden Roy with anything either, so she just didn't talk about her feelings.

[hawksightsarc]

One might think Riza should hate alchemy considering her history with it. The neglect she endured from her father, tattoo forced on her back, the atrocities she witnessed in Ishval---she had every right to loathe it. However, while she doesn’t have a full grasp of alchemy, and she doesn’t desire to, she’ll never hate it. She’ll only hate those who use it to harm others.

Not only that, but there is one important fact to consider: Berthold Hawkeye considered his alchemy more important than Riza. He saw her as a canvas, a place to put the world’s most dangerous form of alchemy. Roy Mustang didn’t. He saw her as a person worthy of respect. He never talked down to her, treated her like an object, or even shied away from her in Ishval.

By no means was Roy Mustang perfect. She knows this, and she was deeply hurt by what he used flame alchemy for during the war. However, she fully believes in his desire to make amends for those actions, and she knows her hands aren’t completely clean either.

[hawksightsarc]

Character trivia meme

Rules: describe 10 random headcanons about your muse of choice that will rarely ever have the chance to naturally come up in threads. Go wild, go random, go meta!

tagged: @shiroi---kumo​​ tagging: steal it from me

1. Riza was not allowed to learn alchemy. She wanted to in an attempt to get closer to her father and be part of his world, but he didn’t allow it. Part of this was certainly due to sexism on his part, but a large part of it was due to the danger he believed his alchemy posed. It was only later he decided he could trust her with the secrets of flame alchemy---but she has no idea how to decipher the markings on her back.

2. To the surprise of some, Riza had to teach herself how to hunt. Her mother passed away when she was about seven years old, and her father was rather neglectful even before that. Someone had to put food on the table, and she couldn’t always rely on neighbors---not when they didn’t even like Berthold, and they lived pretty out of the way. It was hard, and she did get hurt a lot doing it, but she learned.

3. She only ever wore dresses and skirts for formal pictures taken during childhood or for school. Outside of that, she wore pants or shorts at all times. Her father lamented her clothing choices, and he told her that he wished she was more feminine. Unfortunately, he couldn’t argue with her more practical clothing choices when it came to hunting.

4. Something else Riza learned to do was cut her own hair. Before, her mother used to do it, but that stopped for obvious reasons. She preferred to keep it short since it was easier. It was only after the war ended in Ishval that she even considered growing it out again.

5. She likes tea over coffee. She just tends to drink a lot of coffee to keep up with her ridiculous work load as Roy’s adjutant. Green teas tend to be her favorite.

6. In order to be a better hunter, Riza had to learn how to climb trees. She genuinely liked doing it too, which helped, and it fed into her love of high places. Even now, she can scale a tree at a quick speed.

7. Getting Black Hayate fulfilled her childhood wish of owning a pet. Her father was against having animals in the house, not even if they could be trained to hunt. Bringing Black Hayate home made her the happiest she had been in years, and she maintains that keeping him was one of the best decisions she’s ever made.

8. Before enlisting in the military, she had never traveled far outside of her town. She never knew what a city looked like. Central City blew her mind, and it still sort of does. The noise and close quarters bother her, but she’s gotten used to it by now.

9. When Roy accomplishes his goal of becoming President, and he starts making the policy changes they’ve had in mind for years, Riza eventually plans to retire from the military. Granted, this is on the off-chance that she thinks she’ll live that long. If she believes she’ll live through a trial for war crimes, then she will protect Roy for as long as she feels it’s necessary. However, she doesn’t have any goals of ascending ranks. She doesn’t know what she’ll do with her life outside of the military, but she does know it will involve at least one dog.

10. She prefers warmer times of the year compared to the cold. Winter? No, she hides in her apartment with Black Hayate and blankets instead of braving the snow.