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vermillionflames · 4 years ago

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part 3. working on a title. can also read here

one: i do not like writing fighting scenes, one was needed so i bull shat my way thru it, sorry

two: it gets really fluffy at the end (and spicy if salt is too spicy for you)

nozel x oc

warning: language, mention of blood during a battle, fluffy nozel, cliffhanger?

enjoy!

“You sent her to the Black Bulls?!”

“Are you questioning my judgement?”

“Yes, obviously. You sent your sister to live with a bunch of heathens. I understand she can’t be with us, by why not just not make any arrangements for her?”

“Because if I had done that she would go to the entrance exam… and make a fool of herself in front of everyone. I have to prevent any embarrassment for our family.”

I lean back into my desk chair and look up at Nozel.

“The Black Bulls… are so unbearable.”

“Perhaps I’ve spoiled you.”

“Don’t you hate Yami? What did you say last time you had a captains meeting… foreigner??”

“Yes, he’s a foul-mouthed, filthy foreign-”

I crossed my arms and smirked.

“Then what, pray tell, am I?”

“I must leave now. I have some things to complete before the exam tomorrow.”

“Why? I mean you’re not gonna recruit anyone who attends the exam and we’ve reviewed every eligible royal and high ranking noble.”

“Captain duties, you wouldn’t understand.”

“I understand that you’re avoiding the question.”

“Seraphina, I really must go now,” He turned and walked towards the door.

“Wait, am I a foul-mouthed, filthy foreigner or not?”

“Foul-mouthed? Yes. Filthy? I should hope not considering how much time you spent in the bath.”

“Oh, so now you have a problem with how much I bathe?”

“Don’t forget to review that mission for me,” and with that he left. Note to self: ask how many baths everyone takes. ---- Nebra went to the entrance exam with Nozel. Solid was too busy being Solid… which meant I had to go with Rob and Curtis to Nairn to investigate rumors of Diamond Kingdom spies influencing commoners. Commoners upset with royalty? Not unusual but not something I wanted to deal with. I could not come up with anything brilliant to say to make them happy, handing out money felt like a facade, and how many times could I subject myself to be known as “the pretty one who hugs old men and kisses babies.” Oh, and there were the spy rumors. If there really were Diamond Kingdom spies we would probably have to fight them, and I don’t know if three of us in the middle of a populated area would be the best idea. Nonetheless, duty calls.

I made Rob and Curtis eavesdrop around the town while I went to the church to ask the sisters if they knew of anything suspicious going on. Of course Sister Theresa was not gonna let me off easy.

“Why are you asking me?”

“Because you live here.”

“Why do you think I would know anything?”

“I don’t know, because you try to protect these orphans.”

“Why hasn’t Fueggy come to visit me?”

“Do I look like I talk to Fuegoleon?”

“Did you at least bring a donation… for the children?”

“I always do.”

“Where is your husband?”

“Suffering at the exams, hopefully.”

“Why don’t you-”

“Sister, I appreciate the conversation but time is of the essence. If there are spies here we really need to take care of them before they cause physical harm.”

“Fine, but you’ll have to tell Fuegoleon to come visit us.”

“I’m sure he would be delighted to. Now, I know you were once a Magic Knight. What have you seen?”

“They meet at the bar and talk to the alcoholics, bless them, about uprising and taking down the Magic Parlament, attacking nobility and royalty, standing up to the Magic Knights.”

“Oh good. Just the kind of thing I wanted to deal with alone.”

“You’re going to deal with them now?”

“I might as well! Thank you, Sister.”

I didn’t run into Curtis or Rob on my way to the bar so I decided to go in alone. Didn’t make an effort to take off my Silver Eagles robe or House Silva insignia, which I will later regret, no doubt.

I walked up to the bar and ordered a beer. It became so quiet you could hear everyone breathing.

“Are you sure you want a beer… your highness,” the bartender asked. There was some poison in his words.

“Yes, please,” I smiled and dropped a few too many coins on the counter, while also taking a seat on the bar stool.

He comes back and sets the stein in front of me.

“Thank you,” he watches me take my first sip. “Is something wrong bartender?”

“Yes,” a voice from behind me says. I turn around and see three Diamond Kingdom spies and that the rest of the patrons have left. Uh oh.

“Oh hey, I was actually looking for you,” I get my grimoire out, “Would you mind coming with me?”

“Like hell I would,” they also pull out their grimoires. I’m not good at combat when I also have to be careful about civilians. Before I can cast a spell they attack me and I’m forced to be defense. I used my magic to create a barrier to protect me from attacks, but one of the Diamond guys grabs it and absorbs my mana, sucking it out of my hand.

“Well, that isn’t good.”

He gets close enough to grab my chin and forces me to look at him. Ew.

“You’ll be a nice prize back home,” he continues to suck my mana out of me, “I’m really sorry we have to do it this way. I’ll make sure to keep enough that you live… then we can have some real fun.” Double ew.

Against my better judgement I try to go for a physical attack and bang my head into his. He lets go of me and I get a raging headache plus blood from breaking our skin, but I don’t have enough mana now to move and I fall to my knees.

“Oh, you want it to be that way huh,” he grabs my wrist and pulls me up. I’m dizzy and seeing black dots. Next time, don’t slam your head so hard into some guys jaw, you fucking idiot.

I can feel a mana empowered fist go into my side before the dizziness gets to be too much and I black out.

----

I feel cold, silky sheets all around me. I’m too tired to open my eyes. I can sense some bodies are around me.

“She’ll be fine, she just needs rest.”

Oh I recognize that voice, thank god, those creeps didn’t take me.

“Captain, we didn’t know the spies were there and ready to attack or we wouldn’t have split up-”

“No one knows what mages from other kingdoms will do, what’s important is that you were able to stop them. The Wizard King is interrogating them as we speak.”

“Captain.”

“You two are dismissed. Thank you.”

“Captain Nozel,” I hear the doctor speak again, “I wasn’t able to fully heal her broken bones, I’ll come back tomorrow to finish the treatment. They’ll be sore and she-”

“That’s fine, she can be sore.”

Tough love, oh how I missed you husband.

“Alright, I’ll take my leave as well.”

I could feel him staring at me and decided I did not want to deal with whatever he was plotting so I went back to sleep.

When I opened my eyes again it was dark out. Someone had put me into a silk nightgown… God, my body is sore. And it’s fucking cold in here. I reached out to grab more bedding to snuggle into and hit my hand against something fleshy instead. I looked over and saw Nozel sleeping next to me. Um? Excuse me, this is my room. We have a deal. Actually… I’m cold, he’s radiating heat… I’ll just cuddle into him.

I don’t allow myself to think anymore before I lay my head on his chest and reach across his body with my arm. He doesn’t flinch so I know he’s in deep sleep and will not say shit to me about this.

I guess through the night we had managed to get closer because when I woke up my legs were tangled with his and his arms were holding me. I laid listening to his heart beat. Please don’t wake up, please don’t ruin it. I had to enjoy my affection in short lived moments so I always pray he doesn’t stop once he starts.

But I live in an unfortunate reality where Nozel does wake up. I turn my head to stare at him. He stares back. Now either I hit my head so hard I became stupid or I am in a coma. Because instead of getting off I lean my lips towards his and kiss him. And he kisses me back. Something he does like once every 3 years.

He puts his hands in my hair and deepens the kiss. Oh I like this. He flips us so that I'm on my back and he’s hovering over me. I’m feeling very, very hot. I put my hands on his cheeks. He doesn’t pause so I take it as a sign to continue and let my hand drop down to the top of his shirt and pull on it. He breaks away.

“That’s enough for now,” he gets up from the bed and I groan. Dammit.

“Why?”

“Because I said so. Owen will be here shortly to look over your injuries again. I would advise getting dressed or putting on a nightdress that is… less revealing.”

“Who cares about Owen? I want whatever that just was.”

“Perhaps another time,” Nozel was at the door that connected his room to mine, “Now when I come back with Owen please be presentable.”

#nozel x reader #nozel silva #angel #nozel x oc #black clover nozel #black clover oc #black clover imagine

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hookedontaronfics · 5 years ago

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Teasing the Bowstrings - Prompt fic

Title: Teasing the Bowstrings Pairing: Taron x reader Rating: T Warnings: Some light cursing, some very brief allusions to sex [but no actual smut - at least not yet...] A/N: This fluffy fic was generated off a prompt and I don’t think y’all will ever look at archery the same way again! I had a lot of fun writing it, and I hope you enjoy reading it too! x Prompt: Hi, what about a reader x taron one where the reader is his teacher for archery for the robin hood movie and they develop feelings for each other?

There you were, perched on your forearms and toes, every muscle in your body straining to keep you in that position as the sweat dripped from your face. You checked your stopwatch again - this had to be the slowest possible minute in the world. You sucked in your breath and held it, closing your eyes and relying on your mental toughness to stick it out as your muscles started shaking, before the little beep told you you could collapse to the mat in utter exhaustion. Five minutes. You had made it in the plank five whole minutes, a new personal best.

Friday morning burns truly were the best.

You finished your morning routine at the gym with some light stretching before hitting the showers, using the soap to massage your sore muscles as you went. Even though you were already fit, today’s training session had kicked your ass and you knew you were going to feel it for days.

Once you had finished rinsing off, you dressed quickly in a pair of sweatpants and a sports bra and tanktop, and checked your phone only to find six missed texts from Lars asking you for a massive favor.

<Yeah, what do you need Lars?> you asked, wondering if it would interfere with your afternoon plans.

<Yeah, sure, no prob. I’m already on this end of town. I’ll just swing by the training center.> You texted back, hurrying to your car and tossing your gym bag in the back. You had just enough time to grab a cold-pressed green juice from your favorite place on the way over. A surprise archery session wasn’t exactly out of the picture ever since you’d become Lars Andersen’s assistant. You were one of the top-ranked amateur competitive archers in the UK; it was a title you rather enjoyed wearing. Learning the art of trick archery, well, that had just become a fun hobby to add to your resume.

Your phone pinged with the client’s lesson agenda. You opened the text and scrolled through the document quickly as you waited in the drive-thru for your juice. Most of it seemed pretty elementary. Clearly you were working with someone who didn’t have much practice, if any at all. T. Egerton. Hmmm, you didn’t recognize the name right off hand, but this should be an easy session so you didn’t worry too much about it.

You made it across town to the training center with a few minutes to spare, and checked in at the front, handing over a list of equipment for check out. The entire obstacle room had been rented out, which surprised you. Why would Lars book that out for a private session with a newbie? you wondered as you hoisted the bag of bows and arrows and guards onto your shoulder, thanked the clerk and wandered off down the hall past the main training and target range areas, still clutching your green juice in your hand.

You pulled the door open and stepped inside, your eyes quickly assessing where each target was in practiced fashion. You didn’t even notice you did it; it had just simply been ingrained in you after years of training. You tsk’d slightly to yourself as the room was actually quite a mess; you went off to arrange a few targets how you wanted them, waiting on Lars’ client to show up. Soon enough the door opened and a bright-eyed man strode in, brimming with energy and apologizing profusely for being late. By one minute. Oh boy, this might be interesting, you thought as you went over to greet him.

“The name’s y/n, nice to meet you. I’m Lars’ assistant, on occasion. He couldn’t make it and asked me to take over your session for today,” you said, offering your hand.

“Taron,” he just grinned, taking your hand and giving it a firm shake. You looked him over; he was incredibly unassuming in a sweatshirt and jeans, a ballcap pulled low over his eyes.

“Just Taron?” you laughed at that, though you already knew his last name from the agenda sheet.

He just grinned back at you. “I figured you already knew who I was,” he said sheepishly and shoved his hands in his pockets, almost a bit nervously.

“Yeah sorry, I don’t,” you said with a shrug.

“I’ve been in a few films,” he chuckled. “All of this,” he said, gesturing around him, “is for a new film about Robin Hood, which I’m to be in. I play Rob,” he said with a grin you couldn’t deny was adorable.

“I mean, obviously. The great archer himself,” you laughed lightly. “I can see it.”

“I’m actually quite grateful for some anonymity. It’s not always easy when everyone seems to have an idea of who you are already,” he admitted, and you wondered why he was being so open with you.

“Well, I only judge people based on how well they shoot, so, shall we get started?” you ask, going to the bag of equipment and pulling out a bow. To Lars’ credit, he kept meticulous notes so you knew what Taron had already trained with and what he hadn’t. Warming him up was probably a good idea, so you started with the ten-pound bow and some simple target practice. He seemed comfortable enough with it, and you watched his form carefully, partly to issue corrections, and partly because you found him just so damn attractive. The way his biceps rippled as he handled the bow made you a bit weak in the knees. Not that you’d tell him that; you would always stay professional. That was your job, and besides, you were sure he had to have a girlfriend or something. Someone as sweet and polite as he was must have been snatched up quickly.

You shook those thoughts out of your mind as you moved Taron to a twenty-pound bow, walking around him as he held his formation for you, inspecting him at every angle. Thank God this is only going to be one session, you thought as you pushed his elbow up ever so slightly. You were already finding it hard to keep your hands to yourself, precisely because you had to adjust him constantly. He understood what he was supposed to do, but maintaining that form was another matter. Still, you could tell he was a quick study, and he often laughed at himself when he just totally failed to make the mark, which made your job just that much easier. You always hated working with guys who were egotistical and always blamed you when they couldn’t get their arrow straight, rather than their bad form they ignored you pointing out. Taron was coachable, and that made him fun to be around.

“Alright, well, you’ve proven that you can hit a target with some level of consistency, but can you do it while moving about?” you smirked at him, wondering if he’d be willing to bite at the challenge, and of course he was game.

“I’m probably going to fail massively, but I say we give it a try, yeah?” he chuckled.

“Just remember your fundamentals, you’ll be fine,” you grinned at him.

“Remember your fundamentals, she says. Fundamentals you’ve spent years perfecting,” he said. “Alright then, let’s get on with it.”

Cheeky bastard, you thought to yourself as you outlined some moving drills for him, ones you thought were rather easy but that seemed to throw him totally off because he wasn’t hitting a damn thing, and you could tell he was getting frustrated at himself.

“Why don’t we take a break for a moment,” you suggested, but he wasn’t interested in stopping.

“I’m going to get this, you’ll see,” he said, sweat already staining the collar of his sweatshirt as he made attempt after attempt and, admittedly, getting closer and closer to at least hitting the targets. Taron was determined, you’d give him that. He was quite out of breath when he finally stopped, pointing proudly at the arrow he’d managed to sink just outside of the bullseye. “See that right there?” he grinned, pretty proud of himself and making you giggle despite yourself.

“Alright, alright,” you laughed as you grabbed a water bottle for him, but as you went to hand it to him you noticed that his bowstring hand was completely torn up.

“Taron, shit. Let me see that,” you gasped, grabbing his hand and forgetting your professionalism for a moment as you inspected the torn skin.

“It’s alright,” he shrugged but you knew it had to be painful. You’d experienced much the same as a novice over the years.

“Yeah, well, the last thing you need is an infection so let’s get that cleaned up.” You made him sit and rest while you went to retrieve the first aid kit from the front desk, and he calmly let you doctor up his hand. He didn’t jerk away when you put the antiseptic on, nor when you ever-so-carefully clipped away the ruined skin. You could feel his eyes on you, watching you go about your task, and you had no idea what he was thinking behind that green-eyed gaze. Touching his hands made you feel a thrill you were trying desperately to ignore, though.

You wrapped some gauze around his fingers, making sure he wouldn’t lose any function with them, and taped it all up. “There, how does that feel?” you asked.

“Mmm, dare I say better,” he said, wriggling them at you. “And I’m quite sure you could do all of that better too,” he chuckled, waving vaguely at the course you’d set up for him.

You gave him a smirk before grabbing a recurve bow, rather than the longbow Taron had been training with. You slung the quiver around your shoulder but pulled four arrows into your hand at once, making Taron’s eyes go wide. You effortlessly leaped and spun and twirled through the course, hitting your targets every time, and barely breaking a sweat over it.

“Now you’re just showing off!” he laughed as you tossed your hair back over your shoulder.

“Oh no, Mr. Egerton, that wasn’t showing off at all,” you smirked, before rummaging in your bag for something that could be made into a makeshift blindfold. You set up a single target about 50 meters away, before pacing between two poles and marking the stride distance in your head. This was one of your favorite tricks Lars had taught you, and you were hoping it wouldn’t fail you now in front of Taron. You wrapped the blindfold around your eyes, took up your bow and notched an arrow, and then ran backwards, mentally marking the space where the target should be in that space. You drew the bowstring back in the middle of your leap, nudged the tip of the arrow down ever so slightly and let it fly, hearing the satisfying thwack as the tip hit the target and you landed on your feet and let your continued momentum backwards absorb the shock.

“Holy shit,” Taron gasped at that, making you giggle slightly.

“Now that was showing off,” you grinned, as you heard him walk over to you. Blindfolded like this made you rely on your other senses, and you analyzed his footfalls and stride and mentally calculated the picture in your head of where he was at that moment. It was something you’d practiced for years, hitting targets blind and learning how to shoot around corners and visualize where in any given space someone or something could be. He walked softly, you noticed, carrying himself upwards, and you could also tell that despite being sweaty he still had a marked sweetness to his scent.

Why was he so close? you thought the instant before he lifted the blindfold slowly off your eyes, his intense gaze staring straight into yours. “Can you show me how to do that?” he asked, a bit breathlessly even though he’d been sitting down. A small shiver made its way through your body as his fingers had brushed lightly over your face.

“To shoot double-blind?” you said, a bit startled to be standing so close to him. You could see the light stubble shadowing his jawline and the individual color specks in his eyes. “That takes years to perfect. And probably not necessary for your film either,” you added with a laugh.

“No, I don’t mean that,” he chuckled. “The way you barely look like you’re working when you pull the bow back. I look like I’m wrestling a steer when I do it!”

You snorted at that, because he wasn’t wrong. “Alright then, get in your position,” you said, cringing at how that sounded but Taron didn’t miss a beat, focused on the task at hand. He pulled the dummy arrow back and froze in place and you sighed at his white knuckles; typical rookie mistake.

“Loosen these,” you said, tapping on the fingers he had wrapped tightly around the bow grip itself. “You don’t need to hold onto the bow for dear life. It’s not going to go anywhere, I promise. You want your grip to be steady but flexible. It let’s the bow vibrate the way it should in your hand as the arrow leaves its rest. It will fly straighter and won’t fatigue your hand and arm as much either, and in the middle of a competition the last thing you want is a hand cramp.”

“That sounds terrible,” he agreed with a laugh, doing his best to adjust his grip on the bow.

“And as for your other hand, well, you just need to think about teasing the bowstring,” you said, getting an eyebrow raise at that.

“Teasing it?” he smirked at you, even with the notch of the arrow pressed against the side of his mouth as he sighted the target. You had to admit, the way he was standing made him look powerful and athletic and, well, kind of hot.

“Yeah, like a woman. I assume you’ve had practice?” you smirked back, making Taron lose his composure completely. He managed to drop his arrow and then his bow and you couldn’t tell whether he was laughing or crying or maybe both, but it took a solid ten minutes before he managed to gain control again.

“Never thought of archery that way,” he said, wiping his face lightly.

“Everything comes back to sex, don’t you know it?” you smirked at him, handing him back his bow. “This is your woman, treat her well,” you joked.

“Well, I haven’t got any others right now,” he said, running his hand gently over the wood. You had no idea why he’d volunteered this information, but even though it surprised you, you filed it away in your brain all the same.

You picked up your own bow and showed him exactly what you meant by teasing the bowstring - to keep your fingers light but also firm around the nock, giving the arrow a chance to move in the natural way it was meant to but without too much give; pulling back the string at once both carefully but also with authority. “And when you feel you’ve reached the point of no return, where the bowstring might give out if you pull it back any further, that’s when you let it go,” you said, moving your thumb ever so slightly to release the pressure, sighting the arrow’s path all the way down its shaft as it left the riser and made its flight across the room, only to sink squarely in the bullseye. “See? Simple,” you said, looking over at Taron to find his mouth hanging slightly open. “Oh, did I lose you?” you laughed.

“No, I get what you’re saying. I just … don’t think I’ll ever have the finesse you have. You’re quite stunning,” he said, his eyes sweeping over you and making you blush despite yourself.

“It just takes practice,” you said, brushing off the compliment because you weren’t sure how to take it. “Practice I’m sure you’ll be putting in with Lars.”

“Ahh well yes, but he’s not nearly as good-looking as you,” Taron said, a bit jokingly but also with a note of truth.

“Mmm well this can’t be denied. I at least have better hair than he does,” you teased back, trying to keep things light because they were very much in danger of going a different direction. The tension in the room was as ready to snap as a bowstring. “So, try it again,” you managed, nearly choking on your own words in your haste to distract both of you from that train of thought.

He got a determined look in his eye as he took his stance again, remembering to keep his grip loose, his elbow straight and you couldn’t see anything wrong with the way he was holding his arrow. “Widen your legs,” you said in a bit of a whisper, trying desperately hard to keep your professional composure. “And square your hips with your target,” you added, and you heard Taron suck in his breath sharply at that, but he did what you told him to do and then let go of his arrow, and even if it didn’t strike dead center he still managed to hit the bullseye and fairly squealed excitedly over it.

“Did you see that?!” he giggled, hugging you cutely and having zero awareness of personal space in his excitement. But a huge part of you also didn’t mind at all.

“That was great, Taron! Now we just have to get you to do that every time,” you said with a wink. Your session time was almost up, so you only showed him a couple more things, mostly working on getting him more consistent on controlling his aim, though he asked to watch you shoot four arrows in quick succession again and you were happy to oblige.

“Think I could do that too?” he asked cutely as he helped you collect the arrows scattered about the room and return them to the quivers and the equipment bag.

“I think you could do anything you put your mind to,” you replied, realizing you actually meant it just about his life in general. The smile he returned made your stomach flip slightly; he was probably the most adorable man you’d ever met.

He insisted on grabbing the equipment bag as you grabbed the bows, hooking them over your shoulder as you both exited the training room. You returned the equipment to the front desk and walked out with Taron, who was still hanging around you.

“So same time next Friday?” he asked with a wink as he trailed you over to your car.

“Well that’s up to Lars, I suppose. I’m just his assistant and he needed me to do this as a favor,” you replied.

“Well maybe I’ll make it a special request then, eh?” he asked, smirking at you lightly over the roof of your car.

“Yeah, sure thing Taron,” you said though you couldn’t help being secretly thrilled by the prospect of training him again.

“I meant what I said, you know. You really were stunning in there. If I could only be half as bloody amazing as you…” he trailed off, his eyes searching yours for something.

“Thank you, I’ve worked on it for a long time,” you said, unable to just ignore the way he’d somehow gotten under your skin with his laugh and his dimples and his unassumingly kind nature.

“Yeah but there’s something else there, a sort of grace you just possess in how you carry yourself too. I just don’t know that I’ve ever met anyone like you,” he replied. Your breath caught in your chest slightly as you stared at him, a whirlwind of feelings bursting through you. “I’ve certainly never enjoyed getting my ass beat by a girl so much as I have today,” he joked, making you laugh too.

“I’ll, um, see you around, Taron, I’m sure,” you said, giving him a smile and mentally kicking yourself for not saying more.

“I look forward to it,” he just grinned back at you as you ducked into your car and took a deep, steadying breath. What the hell was wrong with you? you wondered as you turned your car on and watched Taron walk to his own car. You admired his ass before catching yourself and mentally chiding yourself. You never mixed business with pleasure; things always got far too complicated and you didn’t need the drama. Not only that, Lars had put a massive amount of responsibility in your hands and you weren’t about to let him down by being stupid with a client.

All of that being said, you did wonder if Taron really would request Lars to bring you in again, or if he’d forget about you the minute he and his car pulled away, honking lightly at you as he waved. You waved back, a smile on your face, before you finally put your car in gear as well. Either way, you were going to make sure to keep next Friday open.

Well loves, hope you enjoyed it! I COULD be convinced to write a second part to this if enough of you ask for it so leave me comments/asks!

#taron imagine #taron x reader #taron egerton #taron egerton fanfiction #taron fluff

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renegadesrpg · 4 years ago

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Paladin: Part 7. Ra

Tater Tot:

One night, not too long after I'd opened my place, a homeless man stood begging in my alley. What struck me the most was he was a member of my race. He was a vampire. I had no clue until that moment that there was such a thing. It broke my heart and reminded me of what Lily used to say about opening our eyes to reality. My mahmen and sire scoffed at her but I kept her words close. I just didn't think my eyes were truly shut, until that moment.

It was at that moment I swore to never close my eyes again. My employee was trying to get the beggar to leave but I interrupted, handing the male a few dollars, because my food handler permits weren't ready yet so no food was being cooked, and I told him to go get a hot meal on me. His gratitude was palpable. He scurried away and I left orders to never turn a beggar away. If there were concerns, come to me.

A week later there were several beggars at my alley door. I knew this could get out of hand and needed to figure out a way to keep my paying clientele plus help these poor. I tried a couple different things but it just seemed to get worse. My frustrations were overflowing and, unfortunately, it boiled over onto the beggars. The next night is when I met her. Twila, the so-called "Street heart" of Charleston.

I had just given $5 to a male beggar when a young, feminine voice blasted through my eardrum. "Are you insane or just a dipshit?" I looked around but saw no-one, until I looked down and there she was. If she was over 5' I'd have been shocked and she couldn't have been more than a year past transition. She was redheaded and, from the look on her face, had a temper to match.

"Please tell me you are NOT contemplating giving out more money to these fools?"

+Excuse me? This is my place and if I feel like giving money to beggars, I most certainly will!+

"Ohhhhh you can take the boy outta the Glymera but you can't take the Glymera outta the boy. Look, Robin Hood it's great you wanna help, make amends or whatever...but do it right and know who you are actually giving money and food to."

She spoke so quick and stern my head spun for more than a moment. She had a quick tongue and wisdom in her eyes that belied her very young appearance. +Who are you and what do you mean? And shouldn't you be at home with your parents?+

"Ok, I don't have time to give you a reality check so here's the scoop. I'm Twila and I'm older than you, by like a lot. I have been on these streets for awhile now. So, listen when I tell you...those are not real beggars. Those, dear Robin Hood, are scoundrels who play at begging for the joy of screwing do gooders like you over. Real beggars, wait for it...don't beg in back alleys."

+What, why, how do you know this?+

"Ummm I live on and in the streets, I literally know all. Do what you want but I don't think Lily would want her big brother giving money to bored rich folk."

My head exploded with the information this waif of a girl tossed at me, then I got pissed. +How do you know my sister? How dare you speak her name!! You know nothing you filthy TatorTot. You get the fuck out of here and do not return or I'll leave you for the sun!+

She laughed! Her response to my threat was to laugh at me. "Oh ok tough guy. You could do a lot of good, your heart is wanting to be in the right place. Just trying to help but whatevs. Toodles!" Then she was gone.

The next few days had my brain scrambled but I found myself being more hesitant to give out anything and when I did, I observed things more instead of just giving blindly on my assumptions. And I'll be damned but I think that little female, no bigger than a TatorTot for hell's sake, was right. One of the males that had become a regular, when I looked closer, was clean and shaved except for two dirt smudges on his cheek and forehead. In fact, the three nights I helped him, they were in the same spots...odd. And another male had leather shoes, in really good shape, not what you'd expect for a male living on the street. The female that came had a handbag that looked a little rough but not that bad. Upon further inspection, it was Prada! +Fucking hell, she was right! Goddamn fool.+

I stopped helping the beggars then and I can honestly say I inwardly hated myself for my stupidity. I think I berated myself for a good two or three weeks. Then, the TatorTot returned. Great, like I wanted to deal with her saying she was right and I was an idiot. Needless to say, I wasn't very nice.

+You get the hell out of here, NOW! I told you to stay away from here didn't I. I don't want your ass here.+

"If I stayed away from every place that told me to go away I'd be living on a cloud cuz I wouldn't be allowed on the ground. Now, grab your jacket, your big boy panties, and follow me."

Why I followed, I'll never know. But there is something about this female that makes me do it. Maybe it's her take no shit attitude, her persistence, or maybe I'm just desiring a better way to help this city and thereby making Lily proud of me.

"Listen up Robin Hood. This is an area we like to call Tick Central. That over there is #Sasha and #Bogi. They run this area and know everything happening within it. They also do their begging in the streets. Generally between 34th street and 70th. They don't like going too far from T Central. They could use regular meals as could a few of their buddies. If, IF you want to help...start here. These are good peeps and they are vamps so you are helping the race."

+But, how do they survive during the day?+

"Underground Tunnels of course."

+Shit. How do I do both?+ I looked at Twila, my desire to help still battling with doing good at my place.

"I tell you what. You have 20 food boxes ready by 7pm 4 nights a week, let's say Tuesday thru Friday, and I'll pick them up. Eventually you could bring them or #Sasha will grab them. You both just gotta earn each other's trust first is all. "

Relief flooded me as I saw a way to do what I wanted. +Thank you+

"Hey, you're the one with a willing heart. Do good, or I'll gut ya Robin Hood. Now, I got a person to see about a thing so you see your way back, Ok? Toodles!" Aaand she was gone again. Odd little TatorTot but she was growing on me.

This began a routine where she showed up at the prescribed time and days, took the food boxes, winked, then was gone again. It went like that for a couple of months then one Tuesday she didn't come. In her place was #Sasha, and she didn't say anything except a quiet 'Thank you' as she took the box and left. Another month went by and then TatorTot came back. She said #Sasha was ill so she'd take the boxes. Unfortunately, before she could leave one of my customers came looking for me.

"Ra, I've been asking for you for 10 minutes, it's rude to keep your customers waiting."

+I apologize #Gwyn, just another moment and I'll be with you.+ I don't think he caught that bit as he was too busy staring at Twila. She didn't look pleased to see him either. She collected the boxes to her chest and said, "Keep better company Robin" then was gone.

I found it strange but not enough to do anything so I went back into my place with #Gwyn on my heels.

A week later #Sasha showed up on a Monday. She didn't say much, just banged on the back door, grunted til the staff got me then grabbed my hand, pulling me to follow her. +#Sasha, wait a minute. What are you doing here? Is something wrong?+ All she would do is stomp and grumble.

+#Sasha I will go no further without an explanation. What's going on?+

Finally her words formed, "Twila hurt, bad man, come help."

TatorTot hurt? Was that even possible? +Ok #Sasha, take me there.+

We ran through back streets and under a bridge until we got to T Central. There behind a box was TatorTot, bleeding and bruised.

+Who did this? Let me get the doctor, he will help.+

"Doctor doesn't help streethearts Robin. Just need a first aid kit and I'll be good as new. #Sasha shouldn't have bothered you." She needed blood, to feed, she should be healing by now but wasn't.

+You need to feed. Do you have a regular feeder? Can I get them for you?+

"First aid kit Robin. Feeding is overrated."

+Here, first aid kit.+ I got close to her which made her shrink further against the wall but she needed this. So, I shoved my wrist in her face, +feed.+ "fuck you, get that away from me!" +feed please?+ "go away please?" Now I'm grumbling under my breath, what an infuriating little creature she is. But two can play at stubborn games.

+feed TatorTot.+ " Don't call me that! Asshat." +feed or I'll keep calling you that.+ "fFuck. You. Nno." Needless to say this went on a while.

She grew too weak though and eventually, I won. It was obvious she didn't feed from someone too often but she got enough in her to heal well. When she finished I licked the wound closed and asked what happened.

"Nothing Robin. Thanks for your help but I should go. Toodles."

I grabbed her arm before she could disappear on me again. +Who did this to you TatorTot? I'm not asking again.+ I growled, didn't mean to but damn she needed to know I was serious and, if I'm being honest with myself, she reminds me of Lily. Her spunk and annoying stubbornness that is.

+Answer me, NOW!+ My patience was gone.

She even managed to make her sigh sound indignant. Damn this female.

"Your buddy #Gwyn. I was involved in a situation where he lost a wee bit of money and he recognized me the other day, realized I had something to do with his loss and took his revenge. Not the first, won't be the last. I can usually hold my own just fucked up this time and lost. The End. May I go now?" She might as well have knocked me down with a baseball bat. Shocked didn't even cover how I felt in that instant.

+What did you do that cost him some money?+ "Oh sure, blame the streetheart ! Just like all you asshats do. Never take into account that 87% of vampire crimes are committed by aristoscats. Fuck off, not even sure why I bothered trying with you Robin Hood. "

+Explain it to me then, help me understand if it's that big a deal. If he is in the wrong then I don't want him or anyone like him in my place.+

"Your pal was into illegal firearm distribution. I found out, told those in power, and his business was closed. Cost him around $30 million. Your place is a prime spot for assholes like #Gwyn to visit to conduct business. Its dark, busy but not too busy, and appeals to the aristoscats because it makes them feel trendy while they do illegal and hurtful shit to their own kind. If you want to stop it, don't run them out...keep them close, listen, get info, pass it to me, and I'll get it where it needs to go."

+Damn, you weren't kidding were you? You really think I could do that? It's not what I want to do. It's not anywhere in my comfort zone.+

"I get it, it was just an idea as I could always use more information gurus. Now I really need to go, you wanna help then let #Sasha know and she'll get a hold of me. Toodles!" Aaaaaaannnnnddddd she was gone...again.

Two weeks later things had gone back to a good rhythm and I was happy. I was still giving out food and my piano place was doing well. The words TatorTot had uttered at our last meeting still rang in my head and, despite my best efforts, had me looking at my clientele more closely.

One night the words seemed to be particularly loud and annoying and that's when I saw #Ector and #Samuel. They used to come in with #Gwyn but when he disappeared so had they, until now.

+Hello gentlemales, welcome back. It's been a while. Your usual table?+

"Yo Ra, you a waiter now?"

+No, just playing host for a little bit.+ I chuckle as I lead them to a table that I had set up with a hidden microphone one day, on a whim...a 'TatorTot is in my head and won't shut up' whim that is.

+Here are the menus for tonight and the waitress will be by in short order.+ "Thanks Ra, glad you kept our table for us." +Of course, be well.+

A few hours later the males leave and I retrieve the microphone. I won't listen to it until later but I want it in my possession. I finish my work, close the bar, and go back to my home. My doggen, #Oliver, brings me food and a much needed whiskey sour. I rewind then hit play on the tape that the males conversation was on.

"Did you hear that #Gwyn found a new buyer for his product? Already made back what that bitch cost him. He said he'd be damned if he let the 'wannabe king' or city rulers tell him what he can or cannot do." "#Samuel, did you get the number to his new buyer? He told us to get it and memorize it but I forgot my copy at home. Plus, he thinks he'll have a second buyer in a few days. He's really pushing shit but the money is wicked. I won't be complaining that's for sure." *laughter than the sound of silverware moving around follows*

Damn, they are really doing it again, even after getting in trouble before? Dumbasses. Great, Tater Tot was right...I can't let this sit. Too much danger to our people and I don't want anyone hurt because some asses want more money. So, the next evening I sent a message with #Sasha for Twila. An hour later, "Hey Robin what's shaking, you wanted to see me?"

+Damn female, would it kill you to knock?+

"Yes, it would. Now whatcha need?"

I chuckle because, well you just can't help it around TatorTot if I'm being honest. +You were right. Shady shit is going down in my place and I won't have that. Two associates of #Gwyn came in last night and he's apparently back in business. + I hand her the tape and she pockets it.

"You recorded them huh. Mighty sneaky Robin Hood. Proud of you. Now, do you wanna keep helping me or is this a one time thing?"

+I wanna help, just not sure how this could work.+

"Easy peasy. Select 2-3 tables that you can wire up. If people come in you sense are questionable, sit them at those tables. Occasionally I'll send people your way but I'll always give you a heads up. Give me the recordings and I'll handle it from there. Eventually, you'll instinctively recognize assholes from decent folk. You won't have to do more than hand me information. Sound good Robin?"

+Yes. I can do that. When should I start?+

"Tomorrow. I have someone I could use information on. His name is #Gerald and he always has a blonde bimbo on his arm."

+Alright TatorTot.+ I went to pat her shoulder and she growled and jumped back. "No touching unless I say so. And. I. Didn't. Now I gotta fly. Toodles!"

And off she went.

I come out of my reverie, sucking in a long, deep breath.

It's been a few years since this all happened and Twila is all she said she was and helping her has been a pleasure. I love helping and this has helped me deal with my sister's loss in a way nothing else had.

I look at the clock and realize I need to get some sleep or I'll be a nasty bastard tonight.

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365-of-2019 · 4 years ago

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Today is August 7, 2020. I am currently on a flight home to Atlanta after spending more than two weeks out West in Colorado and Utah. Though I am coming off a desert adventure, I am sitting on this plane feeling intensely anxious. The last time I remember feeling this way was during my sophomore and junior years of college—the years in which I couldn’t see straight and didn’t sleep properly for weeks at a time. So, I am scared. I would very much prefer not to spiral in the way that I did 3 years ago. I would prefer to prove to myself that I have grown since then, and that I have ways of dealing with my anxiety other than just pretending it doesn’t exist. If it turns out that I am unable to handle my anxiety, then I will need to follow up on my years-long intention of getting professional help. Anyway. I wanted to open up a blank page and write a little bit about the past two weeks, rather than writing about my job and my stress levels.

For context: the world is still in the middle of a pandemic. In the US, COVID-19 cases continue to rise every day as public officials make laws, take back laws, and take back their take backs. In general, flying is frowned upon. When I drove up to the Atlanta airport two weeks ago, I felt enormous tidal waves of guilt. I felt selfish, ignorant, and borderline idiotic. But I still went through with it. So I guess none of those feelings really matter.

This summer, Maddie worked for Jefferson County in Golden, Colorado. She was a trail specialist and spent three days a week performing maintenance on trails all around Jefferson County. At the same time, Nevada was driving around the West Coast, spending time in California, Nevada, Arizona, and Colorado. For the past two weeks, both Maddie and Nevada have been living in the suburbs of Denver.

With both of my sisters in a city that I have always wanted to visit, and with the opportunity to work remotely from any location I choose, I felt like I could not pass up such a special moment in time. Special feels like the wrong word to use. I may look back on this decision and think, “IDIOT!” But, for now, I feel grateful for concentrated time with Maddie, who is growing and evolving so quickly and confidently.

I arrived in Colorado on July 23. That weekend, Maddie and I, along with her roommate Emma, made a drive out to Great Sand Dunes National Park. It was wild. There was sand everywhere. The hills were steep and tough to trek, due to our feet sliding backwards four inches with every step we took. But, we eventually found our own little peak to claim. And then we claimed it by eating peanuts and dancing to Harry Styles and throwing our cowboy hats into the wind. We finished the day by ordering six burritos in the drive thru of La Casita, and eating them in the Colorado wilderness. A hard Saturday to beat.

The next day, we met up with Nev to check out UC Boulder’s campus. We grabbed coffee at a Boulder café, walked around the Quad, found Varsity Bridge, and talked smack about our family members. I am so thankful for those moments—no matter how nasty or silly or irritating we may be when we are all together, we are all together.

Unfortunately (the word “unfortunately” is comical in this context), I was not permitted to take more than two days of PTO while in Colorado. For the last week of July, I worked a four-day week before we set off on our four-day weekend in the desert.

We left Thursday night and drove to an Air BnB in Grand Junction, Colorado. We woke up the next morning and drove straight to Arches National Park—the park I have been dreaming of ever since I went to Zion with Zander last year! It was 105 degrees. The air was dry. There were no trees. It was amazing.

Because I am obnoxious and feel the need to prove points that don’t need to be proven, I suggested that we attempt the longest hike in the park—an 8-mile loop through the most northern tip of Arches. To my surprise, Maddie and Emma agreed. Maybe they shouldn’t have. But they did! So we set off! We made it about halfway through the trail—seeing some beautiful arches along the way—and then spent about 90 minutes trying to locate the correct path to take to lead up through the second half of the loop. It was a little bit fun and a little bit concerning.

I love National Parks and I love the West because they make you feel small. You can look at a canyon or a mountain or the clear night sky and feel like a speck. Which then means that all of your problems and worries are smaller than specks. And that’s nice. However, when you are lost in the middle of a canyon, feeling small is not so reassuring. As we drank the last sips of our water, we decided to turn around and cut our losses. So, we did not complete the 8-mile loop, but we did complete an 8-mile hike. I was so thankful to be with my sister in nature. Not even a powerfully persistent dry mouth could ruin the day.

That night, we camped at a private campsite in Moab. We grabbed fresh corn, broccoli, and vegan sausages from the grocery store and grilled them over charcoal. We slept in Emma’s tent, sleeping on the camping pads that I purchased last November when Kristy and I spent the night on Maddie’s dorm floor. I had not been camping since I was little, and I had not felt so disconnected from technology since my time in Uganda. It was a welcome change.

We woke up to the blazing sun burning through the side of our tent, and set off for another stint at Arches. The second time around, we waltzed around the more touristy parts of the Park, taking ~4 minute walks to reach beautiful viewpoints. It was relaxing. And beautiful. And I think we were all happy to have the car within a half mile.

Arches was everything I thought it would be. I wish I could explore the that place for weeks, rather than days.

The second night in Moab, we drove to a Utah state park called Dead Horse Point. It sits at the northern end of Canyonlands National Park. It was insane. I saw the Grand Canyon last year, so I know what big canyons look like, but this one still took my breath away and had me repeatedly saying, “Wow,” like an idiot. I hope that that feeling never goes away no matter how many feats of nature I come across.

We asked the park ranger if we could stay past closing hours, and he suggested that the answer was yes. We laid on the rocks of the canyon wall for hours, watching the sky turn from neon orange to dark blue. It was the night before a Full Moon, and the light of the moon lit up the canyon walls so brightly that we ran and danced and played music until nearly 11PM. The tiny desert mice made a couple of appearances. We said thank you.

Day three in the desert: we drove to the center of Utah. Along our drive, we saw signs that said, “No Services for 100 Miles.” We thought we were in the desert in Moab. But when we drove farther West, we started to realize that Moab is a bustling city in comparison to the center of the state.

We spent the afternoon at Little Wild Horse Canyon, a slot canyon near Goblin Valley State Park. We had a photoshoot between the canyon walls and soaked up the shade that the narrow slots created. It was a beautiful, totally unique ~4 mile hike that left us in high spirits.

That night, we stayed at a campsite in Goblin Valley. Emma got us some firewood and we roasted corn over a fire. Maddie made me tiki masala with chickpeas. There were signs at the campsite that advised boiling water before consuming. We tried. It was very bad.

After dinner, we drove to the valley of the park to soak up the stars. Goblin Valley is home to one of the darkest night skies in the US, and we could tell how special that darkness was, even in the blinding moonlight. Maddie and Emma stripped and ran around the valley naked. I curled up in the crevice of a boulder and stared up for an hour. Sometimes, I wish I would not be such a square. Sometimes, I appreciate my ability to choose the things that bring me most satisfaction, even when others are telling me that I am choosing incorrectly. But that’s for another time.

We drove home to Golden the night after our rendezvous with the goblins, and we all took showers and curled up on the couch after nearly four full days in the desert heat.

I have already written this so many times, which I hope suggests that it is authentic: I am so thankful for experiences like the one I had last weekend. Particularly in the midst of a world that is stressful for me as an individual, but also stressful for global society, I feel so lucky to have the relationships and resources at my fingertips to experience truly special pieces of life. Never have I ever wanted to buy a van and live off of rice and beans so badly. There is so much that I haven’t seen and so much that I want to see again. I often feel as though I approach life like a race—trying to squeeze in experiences even when doing so is inconvenient or difficult or exhausting. I hope this is a good thing. I am not sure yet.

I spent the last four days working from Maddie’s home in Golden. She finished up her summer job this week, and is driving back to North Carolina this weekend. I am landing in Atlanta tonight and moving into my new apartment tomorrow. Jake and Dad are driving down from Raleigh to help me with the insane one-day moving process. They are kind.

I am stressed about work, stressed about moving, stressed about money, stressed about COVID-19, stressed about the social and political atmosphere of the country. Sometimes, it is so much that I break into tears without any specific triggers. But at the same time, I am feeling such immense gratitude. I have siblings who are so smart and thoughtful and unique. I have spent more time with Mom and Dad in 2020 than I did in the four years previous. Zander is loving and kind and gives me advice when I feel helpless. I have a job that is challenging, but full of some of the brightest people I have ever met. I am moving in with one of my best friends from college tomorrow, making a beautiful apartment on 14th Street into our home. I got to see the desert and soak up the dirt. So, really, life is very very good.

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never-to-be-read · 6 years ago

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how do i even begin this first i think i want to acknowledge that you probably don’t care this is all so far off in your rear view mirror that you probably haven’t looked back in months at best i can managed weeks i guess that’s what happens when you miss people and moments and memories and words said through laughter or through tears but i wanted to write this all down one last time so if you want the rest then just say the word but the last thing i want to do is bother you and dredge up the past again although i promise this time is not like the last there are no names here just me and you the way it should have been from the start i’m so sorry that everything else got in the way sometimes i can feel my heart straining as my head tells it over and over not to care don’t care please stop caring when i’m busy it works i can almost forget all of it almost forget the months of silence almost forget the loss and the grief almost forget the loneliness ...almost but then the night comes and the shadows invade my room and my thoughts and i tell myself it’s over all of it it’s over i can’t go back to it i don’t want to go back to it but i was struggling i do not like who i became last year and i try and focus on the positives but there just aren’t enough to stop the tide of darkness when it comes january starting the year with you (do you remember that?) so much darkness inside of me but only on the inside my life was good looked so good from the outside and i hated my mind for convincing me otherwise february i got help from some of the right people and some of the wrong (i will not name names because i am past that - i need to be past that) and you were still there but i started deteriorating so we started deteriorating march the first end of us so much hurt and pain and confusion and fear so many tears and so many words said that we can’t get back oh how we wished we could take them back i wish i could take them back but you know me how i get caught up in the moment and say what i think i want to say i’ll take the blame for that and i won’t pretend like that end isn’t all on me i couldn’t handle it and i hope one day you will know how much my heart broke when the end came i am so sorry ben and then we were back again and i shouldn’t have done that to you i’m sorry for how much that hurt you confused you and i’m sorry that i’m saying this too late because now it probably doesn’t matter in the slightest to you but i tried to say this in the park that day when i cried for hours but i was still in too much pain to find the proper words april that one whole we had been for so long had been ripped into halves and although we brought out the tape we couldn’t quite get it right we didn’t line up perfectly anymore and the clean cuts i had made began to fray and all the while i was struggling stress panic fear anxiety fear again depression (the one i couldn’t say without crying) pain panic again hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt the second end the shitstorm the start of all that drama i won’t say i started it (at least not solely) but yes i spread it i had to talk because it was killing me ben and if i hadn’t maybe i would’ve killed me i barely got through as it was it’s so scary saying that but that was the reality everything came crashing down and you lost me but i lost everything (i wish that was purely for dramatic effect) may the start of the loneliness it’s such a ugly word such an empty feeling i had half friends left and for a while i managed drifting from group to group to group to group to group to group until soon even i got sick of watching myself push my way into other friendship groups because the one i had built didn’t have room for me anymore so i left and everyone else stayed and that hurt it was my choice but it hurt so fucking much i spent too many nights crying too many days tiptoeing around trying to scrounge and salvage any scraps left but i can’t live off scraps it’s the only thing that kills me faster than the lonely the thing about new friendships is that you don’t know the cues and so the anxiety, the social kind this time just eats you alive because what if they got annoyed at this? what if they took that the wrong way? was that eye roll at me? did i hear my name in that whisper? paranoia feeds paranoia and soon there is just tears because i just wanted someone to talk to and an extrovert without anyone to talk to doesn’t keep talking for long june silence so much of it too much of it so many hours too many day branching into weeks school used to be a refuge now it was a prison home used to be a prison now it became white noise not good nor bad not better than the alternative and i looked for slivers of hope of light because my mind had made the world too dark i tried to let go you tried to let go you’ve probably succeeded i have i’ve let go of us (as much as one ever does) but for a while i held on to the thought of you not letting go because you knew you had been my rock and i liked the feeling of knowing that if i called you would be there i think that was the hardest to let go because you wouldn’t be there now would you? don’t answer that some things are better left unsaid july another straw that was placed on the back of the already collapsed camel but this isn’t about that anymore because i know i can’t change that i never could which is why i left you properly the second time and i don’t regret that choice because i was never going to ask you to choose but watching you replace me hurt which i’m sure you could say right back to me let me say right now i made a mistake and i hope i never force myself to rebound that fast ever again because it wasn’t fair on either party involved just another bridged burned and more hurtful words hurled in my face but at least we both learned that a relationship should be filled with real love after you’ve had a taste anything less is not enough do you agree? august hoping for the new year when i was barely halfway thru the current one i began caring less and less trying less and less talking less and less a shadow of the loud, proud girl i was before minimal effort minimal output if people didn’t want to deal with me they didn’t ninety-nine percent of the time i believe that it’s better to cut yourself out of someone’s life than continue to be treated in a way that is less than you deserve it can be devastatingly lonely but there is no fakery no falseness left and it is time that we all started treating people the way they deserve to be treated september october november three months with a new love you don’t want to hear about that so i will skip it and i think after school ended and then exams i grew up a bit i got a bit better i got off medication it’s just me and my natural chemicals again i’m giving the girl i was two years ago another chance because she had it pretty good for a while it’s nice to know i’m not stuck like this that my depression is simply reactive that means that now i work hard at not slipping back into it ever again i’m going pretty well, ben i don’t really cry anymore except for when i think of morri back home or when i’m writing this or thinking about the past year which is why i’m writing this all out so i can get the fuck over it and stop the tears before they form december no more new love just self love it feels good but it feels worse when you think the only one loving you is you because i can only manage so much i think we all need someone else to remind us just how amazing we are sometimes and you’d tried to do that for me and i needed to hear it so thank you i’ve said it so many times before but you deserve to be loved and to know that you are loved and i’m sorry that i failed that you were the best person for me it just wasn’t the right time i couldn’t get past my own mind to realise what was right in front of me someone who truly cared that is so rare nowadays so thank you and i’m sorry for blanking you for so long sorry for acting like a twat when i came into your work sorry for making a small fuss when you came up to us with michael in dubai i just didn’t know how to handle any of these situations so i panic and draw attention to myself or shut down i’m so so sorry that you seemed surprised that i would talk to you when we landed in dubai i just want all this drama to be over to you it probably is but in my head in my world in my life it won’t detach itself a parasite slowly draining me i just want it to stop i’ve said so many hurtful things and i wish i could take most of it back all the things said just to spite you we both lashed out, me more than you and i don’t think i ever thanked you for putting up with that for so long so thank you so many ‘thank you’s and ‘sorry’s in this note too many but i guess that’s apt the last note to finish this mess i just want some closure and every time i think i have it it slips away so now i think i will never have it a tough pill to swallow but i am slowly choking it down january again so i’m sitting underneath this flashing green fire exit but there is no escape to be seen and i still feel like a child like a cringey stupid child writing about their feelings because they got hurt for the first time i know i continue to get things wrong and i continue to hurt but my phone keeps bringing up memories from a year ago and there are so many smiles so many familiar laughs i didn’t realise i missed until i heard them after months of silence and i know i’ve done this before and it’s ended badly and i can’t promise that it won’t end badly again because i can’t see the future and what mistakes i will make in it but we made a pretty good team once before so if you’ll take me back i would like to try to be friends again and all this ^^^^^^^ white noise bullshit emotional wreck essay mess whatever you want to call it ^^^^^^^ is so you remember what you’d be getting yourself into i am so very far from perfect, sweetheart still a little bit broken and in need of a really long hug and i understand if you don’t want to risk putting yourself through my fuckups again but, then again, being over here is a chance for a fresh start and i’m trying to be a better me that’s all i can offer. a better me.

brain

january twenty-first twenty-nineteen

three eleven am

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punkscowardschampions · 6 years ago

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Jimmy & Janis

Poor Pablo

Jimmy: You here? Janis: standing to attention, like Janis: what's up? Jimmy: Can I stay at yours tonight like? Janis: 'Course, my Dad already extended the offer when he was trying to parent me lol Janis: Yours doing your head in? Jimmy: Seriously though? I'll sleep in the bath and try not to have Skerries flashbacks. Give a shit Jimmy: Yeah Janis: You don't have to Janis: though I've been told its comfier than you'd imagine if you're feeling it Janis: What's his damage...not ideal they had to call the parentals in but it is just detention, not a court date, y'know? Janis: I'd have figured out a way to take all the blame if I knew he'd go off Janis: Wank bank fantasy getting outta hand in the stalls? 🤔😉 Jimmy: It's an excuse for him to get at me, that's it Jimmy: Doesn't really matter what the drama is Jimmy: 😍 Proper romantic you 💕 Janis: Yeah Janis: Suppose it'd make a nice change to have you as the bad guy for once, eh? Janis: fuck that though Janis: Who me? Janis: never Jimmy: What d'you mean 😎👎💔 Jimmy: I'm so bad Janis: Very bad boy, NOT bad guy, waaaaaay different vibe Janis: Silly Jimmy: Good save Janis: Not a goalie or a superhero Janis: but Janis: 💪 Jimmy: 🏆 Jimmy: What time can I come over? Freezing here casually Janis: Come over now idiot Janis: Be doing me a favour anyway, be your charming self so I can escape the fam Jimmy: Done Jimmy: Want me to bring you anything? I'm thinking chips but no pressure Janis: Quite the offer Janis: but no need Janis: there's always so much food going in this gaff Janis: may as well help yourself Jimmy: Yeah? Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: I'm just gonna get Cass to bring me some stuff out #doorstepdrama Jimmy: Like fuck am I gonna come back here any earlier than needs Janis: That's fun 😒 free entertainment for the neighbours, nice one 👍 Janis: at least Cass'll get a kick out of helping the outcast hero Janis: Best to let him have his paddy, yeah, he'll be begging you back when he can't figure out where the kid's school shoes are Jimmy: I wouldn't bother but I need my charger in case Bobby can't sleep. Cass shouldn't have to handle that on her own Jimmy: She's be the definition of #buzzing for this part at least Jimmy: Maybe Twix'll shit in his shoes this time, 'cause bitch be loyal Janis: Shame you can't bring them both but kidnap would technically be something to shout about Janis: They'll be alright though, she's a tough cookie and a smart kid Janis: Get Grace to facetime him a bedtime story, he'd love that and she'd feel like she's doing jackanory, like Janis: We can only hope girl comes thru Jimmy: He'll take her up on that if I don't. Boy is 💕 for Gracie Jimmy: You're not about to get off light though, Cass wants to hear from you that I'm alright Jimmy: My word isn't worth a damn apparently Janis: She ain't offering for you! Even if you're currently in her good books for taking a 🔥 photo, like Janis: Still not good enough to be her fave 🤷 Janis: Tough ground Janis: Well, she's got you there, you're not the best at using 'em 😏 100% taking the fact I'm being considered the reliable one for once Jimmy: You win this round Jimmy: Don't get too comfy with it though Jimmy: I am on my way Janis: S'lonely at the top Janis: Get on my level, boy 🥇 Jimmy: 🎻 Janis: rude Janis: biting the hand that feeds Jimmy: Learning from your true love like Janis: I won't stand such slander on her good name Janis: she's a revenge shitter only not a biter 😂 Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: I'm having a smoke, you joining me or am I coming knocking? Janis: Lungs won't thank me but Pablo would if he knew how close he was to getting a smackdown Janis: Save me some I'm running Jimmy: *He took it easy on this one (not for her sake, you snooze you lose, mate) having been puffing away consistently since he slammed the door on his dad's ranting 'cause he'd needed to calm down. Or shut down. Naturally, it crept up on him, as persistent, which is why he's here, huddled in another cold doorway, waiting for a distraction that'll have him forgetting the barney his dad started days before and wasn't done with yet. Argumentative prick. Jimmy was happy to let Janis have that win, the only where he wouldn't (and couldn't) compete being in this, in drowning out the shit with something that isn't. There's no hiding the smile when he sees her, if the shadows do let him get away with it, they won't for long 'cause he's closing the gap between them instantly, refusing as much of the space as he can without giving himself away for doing it as he passes the cigarette over.* Janis: *She takes the cigarette like its second-nature, kiss on his cheek, feeling the familiar dimple of his smile, like they are too. Far from it on both counts. She's not a smoker, she needs her lungs clear and strong. And she's not in love, same reasons for her heart. Simple as. Still, she could enjoy the benefits of both without committing, couldn't she? Why not. It's not like she's faking either, just...dipping her toes. Only likely to incur minor damage, she reckoned she could take that and still get away laughing. Sure. Long drag before passing it back because without needing to even look his way, (though she did regardless, studious expression taking in his tight, stressed as shit, posture right now), she knew he needed it more. Janis jogs her legs up and down, 'brring' in the cold Winter night air.* You alright then? *She adds, as if they're just meeting on her doorstep by chance, not for reason. She smirks, shaking her head at herself, nudging his side.* Jimmy: *With the cigarette back between his fingers and the girl by his side he gets what he needs, the familiarity a reminder that this is his normal, not what he rushed to leave behind. To pick up his girlfriend for dinner his dad will have to drop this, rely on moody silence to show how he really feels and his own fakery, in this woman's company, for what he thinks he should. They all know how to handle the first, years under their belts, and the second idea's even more temporary. Fuck it. Jimmy could make a single cigarette last longer than his dad's current relationships, and had done, sometimes. Not this one though. Nah. He wasn't the dickhead to keep his girlfriend shivering while he pissed about blowing smoke in the dark. He took a final drag before flicking it away to meet Janis's contact with his own, using his now free hand to gently brush a loose curl from her cheek.* Yeah, mate, you? Janis: *Janis scrunches her nose up, batting his hand away, mix of bashfulness and banter, blown with a raspberry. Turns out, sex is alright, stunning review there, indescribably better than alright obviously but- its the smaller, everyday moments of intimacy, that had flown under her radar when she wasn't receiving them, that she still finds herself flinching from, or covering up said flinch with some kind of bullshit she finds it easier to wear, to shoulder.* Fine. *She blurts out, flustered and being a little sharp with it. Get it together. More jokes, forever skirting around serious, not getting too real or too deep 'cos they both know there's no coming back and why ruin it and- She peers at him, like he's a dog in Crufts, pretending to shine a torn in his eyes, checking his teeth, that kinda shit.* Hmm, healthy enough specimen. Gonna give me anything else to give to your Sister though, like? Dunna if 'yeah' is gonna get her off the phone in a hurry, to be honest. Not that I give a shit, or nothin', don't get it twisted. *She grins, turning to the door and then back again, lingering, reluctant to open the door yet, knowing they'd get descended upon by someone almost immediately. All fun and games. Still, there wasn't a world in which she was gonna turn him down and have him out on the street, like. No way.* Jimmy: *He plays along as though it's still a game and why not? He's just admitted to himself how used to fakery he is, being a family trait like, with both of them for him to thank. Not that he's sparing a thought for his mum, first or second. Not now. He told himself no more slips with the girl beside him and meant that just as much. More. It's easier to stick to on every level, and he does, ruffling her hair fully when he gets the chance. Eyebrows raised and an expression of his own ready to wear. This, he can keep up all night, same as the exaggerated huff that he let's escape, like a Twix snore, into the night along with the shrug that follows.* Use your skills, throw in as many hashtags as it takes to put her at ease. Throw in a selfie if she still isn't convinced. Me sleeping sound should do it. * He's joking but not wrong for it, not able to remember a time when he fell asleep before the other two. Cass'd be beyond 'shook' to even see a fake out of him getting a good forty winks. Jimmy smirks through the thought, forcing it to pass.* You got this, girl* He retorts it in the best mimicry of how Mia and that crowd speaks that his accent can do, wincing slightly both at the impression and idea of them being around. Still, he claws some of his 'clout' back with a challenging look that adds 'What else have you got.' 'cause who are they if there's not a challenge ongoing. As if to emphasis this, he goes towards the door himself, pushing it open with more daring than he actually feels. * Gonna invite me in then, or what? Janis: *She kisses her teeth angrily, full on 'boy, if you don't stop-' vibes, planting a balled fist in his stomach, gentle warning like, no need to assault him before the family saw to it with their over-the-top nature and curiosity. She knew it would but it was getting to her more than she imagined even. The cooing and awwing or the piss-taking and wink-wink nudge-nude of it all, whatever approach they took, why did they have to? What business was it of theirs? Of anyones? Why did there always have to be a song and dance about everything? The hot takes she'd never ask for. Ruined everything. Why did they care? About this? About her? Just fuck right off. Messy. Too messy. Family, feelings- fuck it all. She used to kid herself, couple of years ago, when it happened, that she'd move out as soon as she could and that'd be it. They'd leave her alone. And she could just exist. Run, sleep and repeat. And that is all she'd have to do. No thinking or feeling ever. But she knew better now. They weren't just going to disappear, even if she changed postcodes. Even Edie couldn't manage that. And she had really tried. The others didn't want to. So she was stuck. Here in the land of the living. Forced to participate, like it or not. Then Jim had come along. Made her like it, a little bit, like. And he'd made her think maybe she could add to her shortlist of approved activities. But let her think about that for too long and she always came to the same conclusion; that she was a fucking idiot and it'd all end in tears. She sighed, overexaggerating it last minute to pretend it was in reply to his showy huffing and puffing.* Not my skill-set, kid. You were always better at it than me. Not just the snappin', like. Right up until you jumped ship for a pretty face, #commitment. *She laughs.* But for Cass, I'll see what I can do. *Cringing at the accent-attempt and gasping in mock-horror at the invocation of Mia and co. (as if say their names three times and they'll appear to tell you your outfit is ugly) she puts a finger to his lips, pushing him behind her at the same time so she can lead the way in too.* Ta-dah! *She flourishes, with a shrug to say 'you asked for this' 'cos there was no hiding now. The downstairs open-plan, parentals unconvincingly 'busying' themselves in the kitchen. Iggy, Diego, Gus and (thank fuck, 'cos we know who's the likeliest to be a prick here) Pablo so far unaccounted for, Grace watching telly, curled up with her phone as per. Janis was ready to bolt up to her room, not so much as a hello but reckoned Jimmy wouldn't want the rep of being her 'rude boyfriend' (as concerned as he was with opinion clearly, bless) so she shouts out 'Jim's here', eyes on the stairs, giving them five seconds to respond before she was up 'em, like.* Jimmy: *The house makes him feel the same as it did the first time he was here once he's through the door again, thankfully though the urge to whistle is muted today, full of sobriety as he is, in every sense. He knew her family weren't renters in over their heads like his from day 1, it isn't just that like. He isn't just some reverse snob, it's everything here they haven't had to buy, and he couldn't if he had armfuls of cash. The 'vibe' he'd probably call it if he was Grace or her crowd. Still, he nods at everyone about as if it's common place for him to him to be greeted by a warmth that's nowt to do with temperature.* Evening. *He's got his smile back on but Jimmy's hand is scratching the back of his neck before he can stop it giving him away and all he can do is 'reckon' on Janis being too caught up on her own family dynamics to call him out for his lack of. That's the real #goals, isn't it? He thinks to himself, trying to shake these feelings off him without moving. Or sighing. You massive dickhead. Grace waves at him without looking up from her phone screen, a slice of his home life #relatable enough he can follow her sister's gaze with a decent smirk and a readiness to deal with what's gonna come down. Need's must had him here in the first place, alright, but now he's made it as far as asking to be let in, he'd like to stay. Not only be a grumpy twat Janis is stuck with, but a laugh she wants to stay about. In her gaff and out of it. When nobody immediately appears he heads up himself, not forgetting her insistence to lead the way before, he looks over his shoulder at her, obvious with it that's there's nowt for her to do now but keep up.* Unlucky, mate. You're not getting off that easy, we've got a whole night ahead. Janis: *Janis is holding herself rigid, eyes fixed as tight and strong on her parents letting them know in no uncertain terms to behave...and they did? Leaving it at cheery hellos and promises of dinner being done in about half an hour if they fancied it. Hm. First time for everything. Letting disbelief at their ability to be normal for once in their friggin' lives (where had this been all the other times she'd begged them/the universe for it?!) carry her up the stairs behind Jim. She let him flounder in the burrow-like corridors of upstairs, so different to the openness of the downstairs, that'll teach you to go ahead, boy, she thought with a smirk, now pushing in front with arms wide open.* Pick a door, any door! *She laughed, heading to her own before he actually did, not knowing who was in.* Welcome to my humble-abode... *She added, as they were over the threshold, kicking her gym bag, over-spilling with laundry, aside. She sat down on her unmade bed to assess, from outsiders, from his, eyes. Not here enough anymore that it was critically messy, that was good; old posters covering up old holes in the plaster from older anger, nothing cringe, thankfully but- It was a bit sad, to be honest...bare, lacking...anything, personality, life. She sighed. Red-faced from embarrassment and redder still from anger at feeling that embarrassment. She didn't care about herself, yeah. And what? And what is that her room said as much in no uncertain terms and having him see it was just- well. Shaming. Time for a joke.* If this setting don't get you in the mood, I don't know what will. Jimmy: *10 kids, he reminds himself, when he reaches the top and is met with an upstairs that belongs to a different house. That disconnect continues, growing, when Janis opens one of the doors in the maze. Hers. He's got no room to judge, none of his house looks lived in yet, as if Cass can protest having to by refusing to help unpack, knowing he doesn't have (or want to make, 'cause there's enough stuff in there for it to be boring, but then there's what's missing too, which is worse. Depressing.) the time to tackle the unopened box on his own after months. He isn't. Judging, that is. But he can't stop himself looking about, eyes focusing again on what there is, and isn't. What it means. And doesn't. Fuck. What a pair, they are like. Jimmy has to say something, silence will have her thinking all kinds of shit that isn't right. Least of all that he's a twat. Which, sort of is. He's equipped to be that though, which is something. He can easily grin at her, fall into simple, old habits. Banter by numbers that'll be #nodrama for her to throw back at him. 'Cause whatever his dad might think right now, he's not the dickhead trying to make everything harder. Why would he? The day to day shit already has that covered. So he aims his biggest 'heart eyes' at her, from the earliest days of their fakery, hiding any real expression in the over-the-topness of it all, for her as much as him (he tells himself, without needing much convincing with the blush spotted. It isn't thanks his charms, they both know. But in a second they can pretend it's his cringe factor.)* Only got eyes for you, babe. We could be anywhere. *Still, even as he's mocking himself with mimicking throwing up in his mouth, before she can, naturally, passed that, somewhere real he's deciding that should she suggest getting out of here to elsewhere tonight he's not about to fight it. Wherever they end up. #nocringe. It'd be too much of a lie to act like asking to come here was too much and everything that's come after, as a result, is too. He shouldn't have done it and there's no wonder everything's been off since. Her room could be the same as downstairs and he wouldn't wanna stay there, would he? It's his 'vibe' fucking things. Cheers dad. Jimmy sighs, throwing himself on the bed, and turning it into the appreciative whistle he didn't do at the door. Fucking hell.* Janis: *The eye-roll comes so hard it has her reeling, spinning out in her own head. At least, its better for them both if she pretends that's what's got her feeling dazed and disorientated. Sick with not knowing how to play this. No 'oh my, a boy in my room!' giddiness, fuck that shit. It was 'oh my, having to spend time in this depressing pit'. And his hand forced to spend his time here too. It'd be different if he had wanted to. Maybe. Okay, probably not. But if he had wanted to then they really wouldn't care where they were, paying no mind to anything but each other, not like his car was a lambo or like she'd given two fucks then, so it might've been tolerable. Ignorable, at the very least. But he HAD to be here. Nowhere else to go. That paired with how this room inadvertently showed all her cards had her feeling as bare as their surroundings, #exposed as they would say for the craic. Not that she was mad at him for not begging to sleepover just 'cos he wanted her so bad, again, fuck that shit hard. Not that girl. Everything was just weird and off and it didn't lend itself to a good night's sleep for either of 'em, she was willing to bet. She shrugged, those muscles so overworked, never skipped, massaging at the tension there in vain. Bounced from the dramatic way he flung himself down, she rests herself down on her elbow beside him, face to face.* If you want, we can go to the Barn. Its kitted out, like- *She pauses, thinking back on the times when it had been a place they all made Diego's films together, the times it had been Edie and Rio's bedroom, sneaking in there with them, leaving Grace alone in the dark of their old shared room. Now, well- She spent even less time in there than she did here. Only venturing when it was so dark and she felt so alone, it just felt right to hide out in there; harking back to all those many nights she'd sneak out, praying Edie would be there again, and to the one night, she was. Tucked up in her bed as if she'd never left. As if she wasn't really there. But she was. She was. And she'd gestured for her to get in with her and they'd just held each other...Janis holding on for dear life, determined to NEVER let go, so she couldn't leave again. She thought she felt the same desperation, in the way her big sister clutch to her too, almost hurting her but she would have never of complained. Determined to keep her in sight, eyes wide open and staring into hers, barely visible in the dark but there. She was there. Of course, she had fell asleep, and of course, when she awoke, the sun was up and Edie was gone. She was just a fucking kid, like. 'A fucking failure is what you were. And are.' She shook her head. At least the barn HAD memories, more than you could say of the box room she'd relegated herself too. No longer able, or needing to share with anyone. Not Grace. Or Rio and Edie. They'd all gone. Empty rooms to fill.* All mod cons and a comfy bed, like. But you can keep that between us and add to your sob story, yeah? *She mimics the tiny violin he was always sending, #IRLShade like, hoping the piss-taking would distract from the disjointed nature she'd made that offer in. Ghosts refusing to let her go, let her be with him fully. She never could be. It was the sad kind of hurt when you just know, know that whatever you're doing, or want to do, won't work. And knowing this and knowing you're gonna hurt the other person, so far so clueless. Oh, Jim. Why do you think I was on my own when you met me, boy?* Jimmy: *He's fucked it instantly, looking at her too hard, all the bollocks stripped back and away by how close she is, suddenly, though he should have expected it. Not like her bed's big enough for anything much else, but he never does, somehow. Still. Ever. Breathing hurts but he forces himself not to keep it shallow, refusing to swap places so soon when she was meant to be the one swooning. Fake or not. And there's so much real shit he wants to say, but can't. Again, too much. It leaves him only inhaling and sighing, brooding like the kinda poser he isn't trying to be on any day. Least of all this one. Does it matter though? It doesn't feel like it when his hand drops before it can reach out, touch her in any way, jokes as out of bounds as anything. He isn't meant to be lost with her, but tonight doesn't give a fuck about that, does it? He jumps on the offer a change, nodding, frantic for a kick that'd have him behaving like less of a dick. Please. The fucking break he hasn't asked her for is there, inching closer to letting itself be said, and he's scared of that, going there like.* Alright. *He wants to give himself a smack for how quiet he sounds. Serious. Okay knobhead, calm it. Good luck following that through when you know you've got none though, Jim. He's up and taking her hand before he can dwell on it, moving to take the lead as far as retracing their steps and being out. He can handle that geography. Jimmy does allow himself a pause small enough only to draw a cross over his heart playfully once she's played the violin for him. Thanks, mate. It's almost spoken aloud 'cause of the relief the familiarity of it , brought here and now, comforts him. Alright, calm it again, tosser. But yeah, that works, letting him. He walks stretching their linked hands as far as possible while staying connected, laughing genuinely, still soft but out there. He draws a quick tick over the same space, hurriedly.* Done. Janis: Alright. *She confirms with a nod as serious as his close-to-silence was. Couldn't accuse him of being a man of too MANY words usually, like, but still, spoke volumes, didn't it? Could write friggin' volumes on how badly she was fucking it up with him now. That's what you did after break-ups, right? Write wanky (in all the ways) poetry. Fuck that. Get the fuck out of your own head, fucking eejit! Now! He's still here yet. She seized the conversation by the balls, 'fore it got away from her grasp again, immediately adding-* Alright, alright, alright! *Matthew McConaughey style. 'Cos Christ, someone had to cut through the tension and she weren't about to invite the fam up to give it a go. Fuck that, too. Even if it was awkward as arse, to say the least, and the dead and buried past was unearthing itself just to try drag her under tonight- she still wanted it to be just them. Him and her, fuck the rest. And that was something. Even if that was all she could get, all she still had. She'd cling to that with bleeding, broken nails, jaw clamped, teeth sunk deep in the flesh of it. It was something. She was so fucking used to, so fucking sick of, nothing. A promise, or a prayer, she repeated it over and over, 'til she near believed it herself. With this in mind, she pulls on the hand that is leading her, pulls him back, understanding his rush and only wanting to slow it for one thing. She mimics shooting him where he had been tracing, where she wants to trail her own fingers badly, as he draws in, she puts her fist over his heart, thumping up and down, up and down, before exploding out- And with that, she kisses him, as desperate as he was to take up her offer and run, she needed this more. And she had never known anything she needed more than to run. But she did. She did.* Done. *She mirrors, drawing her lips away from his, with a smirk. Ahead again, one foot on the top step.* Jimmy: *He's about to descend back into mockery, the words 'all about the obscure refs, you' there, ready to go if he's willing to release them, thoughts already going backward, onto the typed convo where she tried to give him an artsy education, school him about muses, all of that, but before he can take the step she's pulling him, literally to where she's forced a stop. In the first second he's tense, thinking it's a full one, that she's done with him and the company he isn't being tonight, but before he can fall further into his pit (he's in there enough, prior that she's tried to dig at him with her best McConaughey, for fuck's sake) he all but floats out. There's no # that could cover this in his stunted imagination, he thinks, before his brain shuts off. The kiss is more than the break he didn't have the balls to ask for (though it lasts about as long as the one he'd gave her, standing on some twat's marble floor). It's a separation from all the shit that's been running him ragged for days, forcing him to run here in the first place. Jimmy knows then that he'll stay, has to, not 'cause there's nowhere else to go, but 'cause nowhere else exists when she kisses him like that. Fuck. It basically escapes, not as the word, but in sound that he can't escape either. Doesn't want to. The only thing he cares about is keeping this close to her and knowing she's alright with him being there. More than fucking alright like.* Nah mate *He retorts breathlessly, clawing back some strength back only as his hands find her hips and use the grip he's found there to spin her body round to face him. He isn't done yet, there's no chance. Not now she's given him one to erase the last few days and land him back into decent ones with her. Jimmy's an echo of how he was after running from Mr Lucas and he's not letting go of that. What for? 'Cause his dad wants him to. Fuck that and fuck him. What was he done with was feeling like shit. So of course he kissed her again, sinking only into the depths of that, trying to say everything with it that he couldn't verbally. Needing to have a go even though it meant hearing Janis' clatter into the beginnings of the banister with the force of everything he was desperate for her to know, 'cause if he pulled back then that'd be it and he's not having that. Fuck no. He's lost enough, tonight's bed being the least of it. Janis: *If she was going to complain, (she wasn't), he doesn't give her the time, or space, to do so. Exactly what they both needed; and she didn't need to reckon that. Crashing together, crashing into the wall, like. No room for anything to come between 'em, not their thoughts or past or any of that bullshit; all blurring into background nothingness, where it belonged. In these moments, there was nothing but them and their need. And it was good. Really good. The kind of good she didn't need to second-guess or overthink. Just be in it and soak in every second, every touch, the heat and feel of his skin against hers, alive, human, real. The violence of the urgency, the competitive one-upping- Not only keeping it interesting (to say the fucking least) but keeping it as something she could understand, something that didn't scare the living shit out of her, frankly. Easy as breathing, this; Though both theirs was heavy now, laboured from the control of letting some of said go, whilst not losing themselves to it so wholly that they alerted someone to it, spoiling their fun for the second time in a week. A game of meeting every kiss of his with more, and then some. Biting, tugging at his bottom lip in, trying in vain to make the kiss even deeper. Nails dug into his shoulders, pulling him down with her as her back slid down the wall, him sat at the top of the stairs, her on his lap. 'How did you stop yourself though?' A faint voice in the back of her mind pondered, with no intention to found within her. Clearly, they needed the Mr. Lucas' of the world or they'd never get anything else done. Clearly channeling the man himself, Pablo chose this time to appear out of his room, quite literally stumbling onto the scene, and them, Janis sticking out an arm (and jumping off Jim's lap) with lightning reflexes so he didn't topple down the fucking stairs.* Oops, watch it... *She didn't have time (nor desire) to be embarrassed. Her older Brother's mumbly, half-asleep grumbles of 'a-fucking-gain? Really Janis?!' and promises to 'have words with you, later!' to Jim, had her creasing. When Pablo was out of sight, and out of mind as soon as, she rested her head on the shoulder she'd left nailmarks in, kissing it gently though she wasn't particularly sorry about it.* Jimmy: *It isn't until she has to save him from hitting the bottom of the stairs with a thud that he even sorts out in his head again where they are, beyond the abstract bollocks of 'together' and all that. It takes that much to get through to him, but he isn't sorry, 'cause he isn't alone in it. If he's falling, figuratively as well as the near literal, then she is too. And that's alright by him. More than fucking alright, as per like. Jimmy can laugh through this interruption, at what it takes to pull them apart now (unlucky Mr Lucas but you probably won't cut it next time) adding to it himself with the breathless whisper of 'fucking hell, mate' that finds only her ear as he shakes his head affectionately at the pair of 'em. Janis' brother's appearance (along with anything he might have said) forgotten as soon as it's happened, same as before. If they'd been any room for it he might have felt bad for the lad, keeping mugging him off like that, but he still wants what he wants. Needs, honestly. There's no forgetting, or ignoring that any 'itch' has only been scratched so far as to make it more 'itchier', more noticeable in the first place. It's a crap analogy but it's what's there as he pulls her down the stairs and back towards the door, rougher and noisier that he would if he could make a string of thoughts or words fit together properly to promise her that this still isn't done. Jimmy 'reckons' in a semi coherent idea that he'll barricade the barn door with any or all manner of shit, once they are there, to guarantee no more interruptions tonight. Bet on that, mate, his expression says, as they go. Jinx. Fuck. He almost kicks the door in frustration upon hearing the shout for dinner, her dad's head catching them as 'ready' for it. Pfft. No chance. It smells good, yeah, but there's no contest. Janis feels, looks and smells incredible like. Meals can wait, they always did at his, even when he had his mum there to do his job of moving a tray of something from freezer to cooker, or his pop's of fetching a takeaway when in from work, there was no sitting down at a this or that time. No table to eat at either, just the sofa, or his bed when he was being the type of utter dickhead that only a certain age manages, whenever it was put in front of him. Here at Janis, that time, was right now. And worse, ('cause of course there's worse with his English luck) before he can do a dash that'd have that school day looking like slo-mo, his stomach rumbles, sealing the deal and their fates. His girlfriend has never let him go hungry yet. Shit. To be continued then.*

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hazzard0us · 7 years ago

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I am not the girl I used to be

I was having a conversation with someone I’ve known for quite some time today, and mid conversation he says “Bullshit. That doesn't sound like you” which lead to me replying: “I’m not me anymore. And I’m even less me now that I’ve lost Kasper.” (Kasper was my dog, who I had since he was only 1 pound 3 ounces, he died last week. He was 6 and a half). The conversation continued: “All I do now days is work, or sleep, I seclude myself from those around me. That little dog was all I had left in this cruel world, and now I’m just alone.” and he asked me “what about ***** isn’t he your man?” My answer: “He’s there but he’s not. He’s dealing with his own shit & so am I. Our schedules are opposite, he works mornings. I work nights. I barely talk to my mom. I’m not who I was. And I just lost what was left of me. No one gets it. But they all wonder why I’m quiet or have’t been around. Why I’m always tired even when I just wake up. Why my eyes are red or why I just stopped caring. They all want to ask but no one gives a fuck about the answer.” He countered with: “Lets run away” & though none of this was on my mind he managed to get the most out of my answers tonight: “There’s nothing for me to run from. Doesn’t matter where I go. I will be empty. I will have this hole in me. I will just be the shell of who I was when I felt alive. I wont be better. If I run away I will leave the only things that spark any light in me anymore. I’m not saying I’m alive, but every now and again someone here gets me to smile like I mean it.” And he says: “Not run, get away. Start over. I want to.” Again after I respond I realize I am less and less of the person I used to be and more of someone I don’t know. “There’s no starting over for me. I tried that. It didn’t work. I got some amazing people put into my life but it still ended up not better. The pain is still there. I’m not saying don’t try to start over, I’m saying for me its not worth it. I’ll be empty no matter where I go or how I try to start over....I’ve come to terms with it. So I just take it day by day. Work. Sleep. Repeat.” He says “I wish I could.” And I tell him “You don’t want to be a zombie. It’s what I’ve become. I’ve become good at faking a smile and making everyone believe I am the happiest person in the world. I’m good at pretending everything is fine, when in reality everything is a mess...I’m trying but there’s not much left worth fighting for.”

Having this conversation put me in tears. That little ball of fur was the last link between who I was, who I truly liked being and to who I have become. He was the realest mf on my team. He was love and loyalty at its finest. He would have given his life to save mine and I wish I could have given my life to save his. I have been a wreck since I lost him, and I have comments all across the board about it, from “He was just a dog” to “get a new one” to “its because he has been there through every terrible thing that has happened in your life.” Those who really know me know he was NOT just a dog. He was my best friend. He was tiny but mighty. And I have been a wreck since I lost him. I don’t even recognize myself, that spark has dulled the day he died. I asked my mom the other night why does it hurt worse to lose an animal then to lose a human and she told me it didn’t that this was just fresh so it seems that way. I was talking to one of my best friends today about missing my dog and how I’ve been even worse since I’ve lost him and she said “Well yeah, you had him through all these tough times, I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been, dogs are so pure that it hurts as much or even more the losing a person. Dogs never betray or judge, they are just better then us.” And it was when she said that, that I remembered reading about a 6 year old who explained why dogs lives are shorter then ours. He said: “People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right” he continued “Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.” This was one of the purest things I have ever read, a 6 year old explaining to his parents and the vet why their family dog couldn’t live as long as we do. Kids hearts are so pure and they tell us exactly how they feel. Sometimes we just need to listen.

I have never felt so alone in my life. Kasper wasn't just a dog, he was truly my best friend, he was my kid. He was there when my first dog passed away, and when my daughter died, he was there thru all the toughest parts of my life, except for this. I am so broken. I catch myself full on tears at the most random moments, I still find myself looking for him when I wake up half asleep and hes not there, I got him registered as my ESA because he stopped my anxiety attacks, he knew before they came and would jump up into my lap, he was small but he would have risked his life to save mine. He got in between my Ex and I countless times trying to protect me, he was tiny but mighty, and I would have given my life to save his. That little mutt was my entire world and now hes just gone. And I will never be the same. I lost the last part of who I was. Now I’m searching to find who I’ve become.

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snowleopard59 · 7 years ago

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Dostoevsky Joins Gamblers Anonymous “Tough night,” the older man said to the younger man sleeping in the bus station waiting room. “Why’d you wake me up?” “Cops will be comin’ thru soon, they won’t be so polite if you don’t have a bus ticket. And I know you don’t have a bus ticket.” “Screw it, let them arrest me at least I’ll have a place to sleep for the night.” “If they bring you in you won’t be doing any sleeping in the Las Vegas city jail tonight partner.” “Look mister I can tell a gay pick up when I see one and I’m not interested alright?” “Oh he’s not gay,” a woman suddenly showed up and said. “And she ought to know,” the older man said. “What do you guys want then?” “We need you to play a few hands of blackjack for us,” the woman said, sitting down beside the young man, then continuing, “we’ll give you a $1,000 to start. If you lose it all we walk away friends, if you win anything over the $1,000 it’s yours to keep. Interested?” “You’re kidding, right? Why would you do that?” “Let’s get out of the bus station and we’ll explain,” the older man said just as the cops came walking through, poking sleeping people with nightsticks and telling them to move on if they didn’t have a ticket. They went to the bar at the Hotel Fremont and introduced themselves as Sheldon and Lauren. The young man explained he had taken the bus from Boston only three days ago and was now flat broke waiting for his mother to wire money via Western Union tomorrow to get home. “What were you thinking?” Sheldon asked, then without waiting for an answer said “first off what are you drinking?” Just a Coke, I don’t drink. “Oh that’s perfect,” Lauren said, “I hope you don’t start.” Sheldon grimaced but did not expand on the subject, instead going back to, “what were you thinking, coming to Las Vegas without a plan?” “I had a plan, I just couldn’t stick to it,” Derek, the young man’s name, said, “I would win enough by counting cards, just enough, to cover my daily living expenses, rent, food, and spend the rest of the time writing.” Sheldon sipped his drink thoughtfully, “let me guess you started winning right away and decided to keep playing to win more? And then you started losing and kept playing to get even?” Derek nodded. “I mean,” Sheldon continued, “what’s the point of being within walking distance of so much gambling opportunity and not taking advantage of it? Write? Sit in a room by yourself and write while all this,” and he waved his arm in a semi-circle, “is going on around you just outside your door? Hercules himself would not be up to that labor to just win living expenses and stop for the day and go write.” “Oh Sheldon,” Lauren interrupted, “Derek, maybe if you won living expenses for the day and then drove out of town for an hour or so into the desert or mountains and wrote there, did you think of that?” “Yeah,” Sheldon nodded, “that would be the way to do it. Get your $100 a day or whatever and then get out and don’t come back for at least 24 hours or more if you can stand it, then drive in like you’re going into battle, get your $100 and get out again. But if you’re a compulsive gambler/addict you couldn’t do it. And I can see you are an addict.” “I am not!” Derek angrily retorted. “You were sleeping in the bus station without a dime to your name. The task of winning just enough one day at a time would require someone who did not accept the basic premise of gambling.” “Here we go,” Lauren said, “if you want the opportunity to play with that $1k there’s going to be a lecture. Still interested?” “I would like to win enough to get a hotel room to sleep in, yes, sure I’ll listen.” “All these people you see gambling all around us accept that when you gamble you might win but you might lose, you agree?” Derek nodded. “So everyone wants to win of course but they can never eliminate the specter of losing from their consciousness, and so of course, more people lose more often than not.” Derek rolled his eyes as if to say duh. And then said, “Duh.” “But Lauren and I have devised a system whereby we can never lose. But it only works if we can teach it to people and not very many want to learn believe it or not. We’re hoping you will.” Derek had by now fallen in love with Lauren. She looked just like Lauren Hutton the super model from the seventies. Were they married, Lauren and this Sheldon guy Derek was still not convinced was not gay? There were no rings in evidence. What was there to lose? “How do we start?” Derek asked. “Simple- find a table that has a dealer you think you know,” Lauren said and Derek continue to melt inside. What was it about her? That she was older? He heard her continue to speak through a scratchy old-time radio broadcast, “of course we know you don’t know any of the dealers here – in this life- but you know them all from past lives. Do you believe in reincarnation? Millions of people on earth do you know.” “Derek, are you alright?” Sheldon asked. “Maybe I should have a drink,” he answered, “Sangria.” “Sangria? Sure, ok, a Sangria for our young friend please.” Derek downed it in three or four swallows. The three of them sat there silently for about a minute and then Derek burst out in a laugh, A laugh that had been held back from many past lives no doubt. “Let’s play some blackjack,” he said. Within thirty minutes he’d turned their $1,000 into $10,000. “I feel like it’s not me playing,” he said. Sheldon had disappeared, Lauren sat beside him but the attractive female dealer had successfully shifted his attention as the new love interest in his life. “I think we might get married and settle down,” he said to her. She smiled wearily and replied in a British accent, “we’ve done that love, already, you know, 18th century Ireland?” And he knew she was right as the cards continued to fall his way. Lauren gave him a knowing glance. “The money doesn’t matter, right?” he said, “I’m not excited that I just got blackjack with $500 in chips sitting on the table. That’s crazy.” The pit boss, a classic mob guy, came over and brusquely dismissed Linda, the British dealer then, saying, “I’ll say it is. Let’s see how it goes when I’m the dealer.” “Wait,” Derek said, as the man shuffled the eight decks, “I know you too. Your burned us out of our farm in Ireland. I don’t think I should stay at this table.” “Good idea, get lost punk.” “Lauren what happened?” Sheldon asked, showing up from out of nowhere. “Derek learned the system. Just give us back our $1000 and tell us what you’ll do now with the rest.” The sound and the light of the casino swirled in Derek’s head and vision as he cupped the $9,000 in chips in his left hand. It wasn’t the Sangria, he knew, he wasn’t drunk, in fact he had never felt so alert. Had he chosen, he could have read the life story he shared with every person there at that moment gambling. “We’re gambling, we’re all gambling, but we’re pretending we can lose. I know I can put this $9,000 on one number on roulette and that number will come up at 36 to 1 or something but they will likely then ban me from playing. But that wouldn’t matter either. I know every number that will come up, I don’t know how but I do, there’s no chance there’s no risk. What’s the point of pretending? If I make millions gambling it will cut me off from getting to know the people I need to get to know. It will reinforce the lie that there is a duality to be dealt with. Thank you, Sheldon, thank you Lauren, I’m going to get a really nice room have a really good breakfast and fly home first class tomorrow. I don’t want to gamble, I don’t need to gamble to pay my living expenses so I can write, I can pay my living expenses by writing, and by remembering.” “Do you remember us now?” Lauren asked. Derek smiled, “I sure do, now that you mention it,” and he counted out $3000 in chips, and handed it to her, “That ought to settle the debt, right? Sorry I almost forgot. But I would have remembered on the plane and mailed it to you. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of each other again.” “Oh yeah,” Sheldon said, “you’re a quick study but there is so much to study. Go get started on that first book.”

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takenews-blog1 · 7 years ago

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For One Household, Contract Work Means 'Feast Or Famine' As Revenue Varies

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For One Household, Contract Work Means 'Feast Or Famine' As Revenue Varies

A brand new NPR/Marist ballot finds that 1 in 5 jobs in America is held by a employee below contract. Inside a decade, contractors and freelancers might make up half of the American workforce. In a weeklong sequence, NPR explores many facets of this alteration.

For Tom Hansen and his household, the previous few weeks have been a time of feast or famine.

December was particularly busy on the suburban Denver restaurant the place Hansen works, and the 39-year-old was given loads of shifts. However now with the vacations over, he has been working rather a lot much less.

“We had an excellent Christmas,” his spouse, Gina Barr, 37, says with fun. “However if you drop into January and that earnings now slices in half, that is a little bit bit more durable to cope with.”

A few fifth of People work on contract, employed for particular tasks or for a set time frame, in line with a brand new NPR/Marist ballot. Just like the Hansens, almost half of them have incomes that adjust significantly from month to month or seasonally.

“There are very excessive ranges of earnings and spending volatility, not only for low-income individuals, however for all individuals throughout earnings [groups], ” says Diana Farrell, president of the JPMorgan Chase Institute, which has studied the U.S. workforce.

Many individuals truly favor contract work, due to the flexibleness and freedom it permits, Farrell says. However as Hansen and Barr can let you know, there is a draw back as nicely.

Till final yr, the couple lived in Utah, the place each held full-time jobs. Barr labored at a telecommunications firm and Hansen managed fast-food eating places.

The hours for each have been punishingly lengthy, and so they could not spend as a lot time with their youngsters as they wished. (The Hansens are a blended household; every has two kids from a earlier marriage.)

They moved final yr to the Denver space and dwell in a two-bedroom condo in Englewood. Each Barr and Hansen grew up within the space, and with loads of kinfolk round, they’ve much more household assist in Colorado.

However the price of residing is increased within the Denver space, and for now they make much less cash.

Barr works as a shift supervisor at Starbucks, beginning her day nicely earlier than daybreak and returning residence at about 11 a.m. The job comes with advantages, together with medical health insurance for the household.

Hansen is a banquet server at a big close by restaurant, the place he earns good cash in suggestions. The hours are irregular, nonetheless, and he cannot make sure how a lot he’ll earn in a single month.

To complement his pay, he typically drives for Lyft, the ride-hailing firm.

“A variety of instances I will know that I am $70 quick on lease or regardless of the invoice I am attempting to pay is, and so I will simply drive till I’ve $70 after which money it out after which I am performed,” he says.

Hansen and Barr have additionally picked up a little bit cash right here and there by promoting a few of the possessions they introduced from Utah on websites similar to Facebook Market.

It is not nearly cash: They’re attempting to declutter their residence, conserving solely what they really want.

Lots of people with fluctuating incomes earn extra cash by promoting gadgets, renting rooms or offering transportation, by way of platforms similar to eBay, Airbnb and Uber, Farrell notes. For many it is not a essential supply of earnings, however a strategy to complement earnings when wanted, she says.

“Individuals are utilizing these platforms to scale back volatility of their earnings,” Farrell says.

Barr and Hansen’s family is typical in one other means: Like a number of households residing on irregular incomes, they’ve little cash put aside to deal with surprising bills — like a sudden journey to the physician or a automobile restore. They’re nonetheless studying how you can regulate their spending.

Final yr, after doing particularly nicely, the household took a trip to California.

“We got here again after which swiftly there was no work, and we could not even pay lease,” she says. “It was very tough, and we have been scrambling. And we have been like, ‘Was it us? Did we simply spend an excessive amount of?’ And also you type of query and doubt your self, I believe, at moments. ‘Am I doing the suitable factor?’ ”

Hansen credit his spouse for getting them by the gradual intervals. She is aware of how you can put together cheap meals or ask for extra time to pay a invoice.

“She’s undoubtedly the planner within the household, and thru her survival brilliance, we have gotten by a number of powerful months when the shifts have dropped off, and we have made rather a lot much less cash,” Hansen says.

Barr says having to juggle funds is “like nails in my mind. I hate doing it. … I favor to only let all the pieces receives a commission when it must receives a commission. We’re not frivolous individuals. We do not spend some huge cash.”

Tough spots apart, the couple are optimistic in regards to the future and pleased with their present jobs. Barr, who loves all issues espresso, is angling for a promotion at Starbucks.

The household has traded rapid safety for a greater future, and Barr figures everybody continues to be studying to adapt to the brand new life. Whereas she and Hansen get their ft moist, they should discover a strategy to stabilize their funds, she acknowledges.

“I simply need sufficient from each of us to not have to fret, to not play the feast-or-famine recreation,” she says.

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chimpsterblog-blog · 7 years ago

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What A Good Website Builder Should Have

As with all businesses, the problem lies in find out how to effectively attain the right audience in promoting your services. Thankfully, the answer is right on the tip of your fingers - create a web site! Getting what you are promoting on-line shortly and simply with an internet site builder is an inexpensive way to construct up your enterprise' presence as this attracts a wider goal market.

However I do not know anything about web sites!

Do not fret. It is even easier to get your small business on-line now with the help of a web site builder. With this software, you'll be able to create your website simply by dragging and dropping widgets. This lets you quickly and conveniently build your web site, without the use of mind-boggling guide codes or programs. So should you're a newbie or not so tech-savvy, this is just the instrument for you.

How does a Web site Builder work?

A web site builder helps you create your web site like a professional with no experience needed. The software provides you with 100s of site templates to select from. Upload your brand, drag and drop some widgets to best suit your preferences, and add your content. You'll be able to customise the look further by choosing colour schemes, layouts, and fonts; making the process much more enjoyable. In as fast as 5 minutes, you can be good to go. And as soon as the publish button is clicked, your business is accessible to the world. Constructing, managing, and updating an internet site has never been simpler!

Using a Web site Builder is cost-effective.

Seeing as the web site builder is a do-it-yourself instrument having options you possibly can so easily manage, there isn't any need to rent knowledgeable net builder or coder to do the job for you. This considerably reduces the normal value of building a site. You won't even need to spend more for additional features as useful add-ons are already included in most packages.

Save time, Money with the Web site Builder.

Relying on the structure you favor and the options you select, your website is live in minutes. The DIY web site builder provides you extra control, use it for designing and deciding what content to include, as an alternative of racking your brains on what codes to use. This fashion, more of your time is free for really working your small business.

5 tips that can assist you select the best template:

On the onset of website builder tools, users nonetheless needed to create their own unique layouts for his or her sites. This required a lot of analysis and effort for the consumer making it more sophisticated and time-consuming. The good news is that even this course of has already been eliminated when using a website builder. The software gives you with a big selection of templates that you should use to show off your enterprise in a singular and visually appealing manner. However how do you select the right template for your enterprise?

Define your wants.

Before actually wanting right into a template in your website builder, reply the next questions: what sort of web site do you propose on building? Are you building a weblog or an e-commerce web site? Who will your target market be? Will there be photos and movies included? What type of content will you be adding? Your solutions will guide you through the selection, saving you extra time within the course of.

Consider your sort of enterprise.

Website builder templates are often built around a selected concept, theme, or business; although it's not restricted to that. Nonetheless, selecting a template that most closely fits your area of business will make it simpler so that you can personalise with your own photographs and content.

Take into consideration your visual preferences.

Business logos, images, movies, and different graphics are a great way to draw attention to your web site and join with your audience. So when creating your web site with a web site builder, select a template that offers you essentially the most freedom adding and managing your visible content.

Take into account your textual content.

Not your whole content might be graphics. Your site may even want the appropriate textual content content to help your audience understand what you are promoting. Your website builder template ought to have ample house for longer textual content like news, articles, and blog posts. Additionally, take into account selecting one that's simple for you to add textual content and make future updates.

Take your time.

Do not rush your format selection. Flick thru your website builder templates to benefit from the very best one that's waiting for you. Think about the visible attraction of the template and read through the features included on every web page. Do not forget that it isn't nearly being visually interesting. You also have to build a website that is simple to navigate, to give your target market the perfect expertise upon visiting your site. So take your time and have fun!

Other than hiring net designers that can assist you build a great web site, there are different tools that you need to use to create a great website even without any prior experience or talent in the improvement. There are very good web site builders at the moment and you'll simply select one that can assist you with the web site building process and to get the best outcomes with it. With so many websites offering trendy templates and domains which are custom-made, it's best to make a point of guaranteeing that the website builder you accept has each necessary feature to help you have a simple time and achieve wonderful outcomes in the end.

It must be easy to make use of

The actual fact is that you may not have any coding abilities when seeking to construct a web site and the builder should subsequently offer you an easy time using it even without the skills. Discover a builder that has simple navigation and editor to have a swift time using and creating your web site. Select a builder that doesn't require any coding expertise to deal with.

It ought to be customizable

Web site builders have an inventory of themes you can choose from and a very good one ought to provde the means to make adjustments wherever you need and need. A customizable builder ensures that you get only the features you discover most relevant and never force you into a theme that you feel is overwhelming. You must be capable to choose legible and related texts, and a structure that's navigable and understandable for the sake of visual enchantment.

It should supply design flexibility

To have a fair simpler time, choose a website builder that lets you drag and drop your content in the fitting areas. The content material could possibly be apps, images, buttons, texts and social instruments amongst others. You too can select a builder that makes it attainable so that you can animate what you want for a more professional and distinctive look. Check what skills and flexibilities you stand to achieve before making your builder selection.

It should offer you an easy time integrating different options

WEBSITE POSITIONING, blogs, e-commerce platforms and cell friendliness are some of the things you may want to get pleasure from when creating a web site. It makes it essential to select a web site builder that means that you can provide meta descriptions and name page titles and in addition streamline cellular experience by keeping content that is not cellular friendly hidden but visible on desktop shows. Additionally, you will find a builder that enables weblog integration into the location very helpful.

One of many reasons you've determined or are contemplating creating a website for yourself is cost, proper? And because you've got little thought on how you can create or design this website you need the website builder firm to make it as easy as attainable for you to have the ability to launch or publish your on-line presence. This is why, if you end up looking for an easy to make use of website builder, you ensure that they provide a free domain name with your web site builder bundle. A site identify can be just as onerous to buy and setup as a website when you do not know what you're doing so having the ability to combine the two and have a domain identify included in your web site builder package deal makes the method simpler and gives you one much less factor to fret about.

Does It Come With Web Internet hosting Included?

This step of the process is essential, if your web site builder does not come with webhosting or will not be a hosted web site builder then you definately may as nicely create a website from scratch as after you have got created the website, you'll then need to buy internet hosting, configure your web site settings, add all web page recordsdata after which publish your web site after that. This is a time consuming process and once again will make the process very tough in case you should not have an understanding of hosting or easy methods to upload files to a server. Ensure that the web site builder that you simply choose is a hosted website builder to get rid of this speed bump.

Do They Embrace Enterprise E mail Addresses?

One of the reasons that you simply wish to launch a web based presence is to increase brand consciousness and gross sales alternatives, appropriate? Well, there's nothing worse than having a web site however emailing your shoppers from a Gmail or Yahoo account to observe up on sales enquiries, I mean, would you buy from someone sending a suggestion to you from joeblogs at yahoo dot dom? I do know I wouldn't! Make it possible for your chosen website builder bundle contains business e-mail addresses reminiscent of [email protected] to ensure that your potential shoppers know precisely where you're from, to assist to extend the general professionalism and even help to extend gross sales.

Are There Tons of Of Quality Design Templates?

An internet site builder will usually include a number of DIY design templates so that you can use and get started with. Make it possible for your web site builder package deal not only comes with web site templates but, good high quality and well designed, pre-made website templates. A good template will provide you with a solid canvas to work from, scale back the quantity of work you'll have to do to reinforce the design of your web site and the finished product will look a complete lot better. A very good design mixed with a stable website structure will assist to extend website enquiries and ultimately, online gross sales.

Is There Comprehensive Tutorials To Observe?

This step and the next step are essential for anyone who is seeking to create an internet site using a DIY web site builder. Make sure that the website builder that you just choose has a complete database of tutorials to follow that you need to use as you go alongside. Will probably be like having an open book exam and with the ability to refer again to the text books for the relevant answers. Building a website using a DIY website builder might be very easy however, when you get caught, you wish to have the solutions right there to be able to refer back to them, get the answer you need and move on rapidly, with none delays and with out frustration.

Do They Provide 24/7 Support?

When you get stuck creating a web site half manner via your build, you need to know that there are either step-by-step tutorials to observe or that there's someone there to assist or else the process of making your website or your website may switch from being a 30 minutes up to three day challenge all the way out to 3 weeks and even 3 months by which time, you have misplaced curiosity, you've lost hope and you have given up the ghost.

Be sure that the web site builder you select or have chosen comes with a 24 hour, 7 day, or even 5 day support service, so that anytime to you've got an issue, query or query concerning the website builder or the website you are creating, you can all the time flip to someone for professional recommendation.

Web site Structure & Structure

A properly thought-out website construction and layout are crucial to the general performance of your web site. Sit down with a piece of paper before stepping into the creation of your web site and decide how you desire to your website to be laid out and what format could increase web site conversions.

You want to ensure that the structure and structure of your web site is simple to navigate and point to the places that can be not solely of interest to the website visitor however will encourage them to contact you or by your products, in spite of everything, we aren't launching a enterprise web site to offer your potential webdesign Gent purchasers one thing to read and entertain them, we are attempting to have interaction them and entice them to both purchase your products and services or contact you relating to your products and services so that you have an opportunity of changing that website customer into a long-time period, paying customer.

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bestnewsmag-blog · 8 years ago

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New Post has been published on Bestnewsmag

New Post has been published on https://bestnewsmag.com/mojo-networks-tips-to-secure-data-protection-safe-internet-usage/

Mojo networks' tips to secure data protection, safe internet usage

Socal Media Networks Make Global Travel Lodging Easy

The online marketplace for worldwide accommodations thru social media networks has contributed to the fast unfold of globalization among humans of different international locations. The start framework for our cutting-edge-day computers, tour, and internet abilities happened across the mid-20th century. Over the following sixty years, not possible advances in computer technology and increased accessibility to the sector-huge internet on an international scale have created a large number of travel accommodation options for the avid world tourists. A big a part of this increase in global lodging alternatives for global travelers is due to social media networks. human beings at the moment are able to resourcefully and effectively plan for worldwide tour arrangements the usage of social media networks. travelers can enjoy varying cultures amongst people and local landscapes, main to a unique experience on a global degree. Our global has contracted even as our travel alternatives are actually infinite. As soon as a tourist arrives at a favored vicinity, accommodations in the vicinity may be as culturally immersive because of the traveler goals. In a phrase, globalization of travel has long past digital (Susan Lund).

Not unusual practices for planning an experience, along with contacting an airline, lodge, or making plans an experience through a journey company have to emerge as increasingly obsolete. A quick seek on the internet yields several websites to go looking and explore. A recent article in Forbes listed several beneficial websites for making plans a trip (R.L. Adams). Many of the ten websites indexed, Airbnb.Com and HomeAway.Com stand out as providing global lodging possibilities on a very real cultural degree. Airbnb is a web marketplace and hospitality provider, permitting human beings to rent or rent short-time period accommodations which include holiday rentals, apartment leases, homestays, hostel beds, or in rooms. HomeAway gives an expansion of apartment resorts from cabins to castles to farm homes. Further to those websites, Couchsurfing.Com affords a platform for contributors to stay as a guest at a person’s home, host vacationers, meet other contributors or be a part of an occasion. The Common thread of every of these three sites is their platform to connect the man or woman traveler to a global community establishing their doors to them.

The first website cited, Airbnb, ranks primarily on Forbes’ list. Airbnb became nearly unknown in 2008. Now over a decade later it has grown to be synonymous with lodging at any fee point allowing human beings to list or rent short term lodging. As Airbnb internet site information, the enterprise expands a character’s journey opportunities and opportunities to over 191 international locations. Airbnb promotes that vacationers can experience towns as locals more so than as vacationers. Airbnb has clients from around the sector and believes that people will continually become extra linked to greater cultures, shaping the way that the character tourist engages with the arena.

A second social media community for accommodations options is HomeAway. This website is listed as 2nd on Forbes’ recent article of pinnacle journey lodging resources. It has been set up since 2005 and is making a name for itself by acting as a condominium labeled having over 1 million listings in 22 languages in 190 nations. HomeAway’s website states its’ challenge is to make each vacation rental in the global to be had to each visitor within the international through their on-line market. HomeAway gives a wide-ranging choice of vacation houses. vacationers have greater room to relax with introduced privacy at the same time as experiencing the arena around them.

Having now not made Forbes’ list, Couchsurfing simply stands out, expanding a vacationer’s opportunities to experience global cultures up-close and private. Couchsurfing was founded in 2004 and services over 14 million people in 200,000 cities around the sector. Couchsurfing’s website states that the organization envisions a global made higher by way of tour and travel made better with the aid of connection to foster cultural exchange and mutual appreciate. tourists can hook up with hosts who offer air mattress, couches, or spare bedrooms as lodging – experiencing the sector in a way money can not buy.

In summary, there is a Common thread among these social media networks this is targeted on worldwide lodging: they may actually preserve to play a function in furthering globalization.tips to secure data protection, safe internet usage.

An individual’s journey enjoys will vary significantly relying on which us of he or she chooses to visit. Airbnb, HomeAway, and Couchsurfing are three websites that concentrate on expertise through the share of ideas, culture, and knowledge. Social media networks have the opportunity to connect or disconnect global members of the family, through the cultivation of a shared international citizenship between human beings of all cultures.

Motocross Tips – How to Shift Gears For Maximum Speed

I have observed that lots of beginning motocross riders often get pretty burdened approximately the way to shift gears properly. Absolutely everyone appears to have a distinct opinion and it may be quite tough to discover instructional materials that clearly cover this essential issue of motocross technique.

There are two ways that I in my view like to shift up gears on a motocross motorbike and I’m going to attempt to explain them in this brief article.

For the first way you don’t must use the grab. Basically, all you need to do is backtrack the throttle, shift up and then get instantly returned at the throttle as short as you may. It’s Adequate to now not use the clutch in this case as the drive is momentarily disengaged.

This manner is nice however considering you need to backpedal the throttle, you will lose a bit of momentum and you can not manage to pay for to try this in a race.

There is a far extra powerful manner of upshifting that will really permit you to move tons faster and also you won’t lose any speed.

All you need to do to is get the throttle pinned huge open, pull in the grasp just a tiny bit so that the engine is just about disengaged, shift up then set free the grasp. Do this as quick as you can and make it one fluid motion. This ill-will let you hold the revs high in order that while you allow the size out, the power is there right away. You might not need to anticipate the strength to dial in again as within the preceding technique.

Now, a variety of humans assumes you have to use the clutch when downshifting however that isn’t always the case at all. whilst you shift down, there is not anywhere near as plenty of a pressure at the engine so It’s no longer without a doubt necessary. In fact, through now not using the grasp you’re able to use the engines natural resistance to help you sluggish down (this is called engine braking). Ideally, the simplest time you need to be moving down is when you are on the brakes. Being on the brakes method that There’s even much less stress positioned at the engine and the blended impact will help you sluggish downloads more correctly.

Use The Power Of The Internet To Market Your Business Using These Simple Tips

No person or employer can ignore the energy of net advertising. It is a crucial element of aa hit task, something that assignment can be. Pointers including those listed in this article will assist you to get began on aa hit, dynamic internet advertising campaign for yourself or your enterprise.

Suppose visually. Sure, you are trying to sell a products or services, however, think about it: how oftentimes have you stayed on an internet site that you could not stand to study? Make your website easy and attractive in order that people will live long enough to take a look at what you have to offer.

Twitter is a first rate manner to keep your customers updated on information approximately your enterprise. The provider is completely loose to apply and really intuitive for users. That means that brief updates about new merchandise, sales, and other sweets can be brought right to your fans without problems. Twitter is extraordinarily famous with college students of all ages, making it an amazing preference for companies that cater to the underneath 30 demographic.

While reaching out to other sites to link again to you and while you hyperlink to different websites, construct relationships with great/valid sites in place of a handful of semi-legitimate ones. In case you are related to a website that search engines already location excessive on seeking results pages then you too may be favored by the algorithms.

If you are trying to position out your product on the net, It’s miles vital that your internet website does now not get lost in statistics. You need to always remember the fact that the primary factor of your internet site is to catch your visitor’s attention. You have to not lavatory your website online down with an excessive amount of data.

In case you are running a weblog or a question discussion board to your internet site, make certain which you rent a moderator to monitor the go with the flow of content material. Now and again, you could have a person who isn’t always behaving correctly who will be detracting potential clients from traveling your website. Moderating your internet site can assist growth purchaser loyalty.

Try sticking to “honesty in marketing” When advertising. Simply because a few advertisements sell via outlandish claims does no longer imply that you have to into that to make a sale. You may indeed make an honest living by means of certainly marketing your products and services. think about the kind of humans which you want to shop for your stuff and how they will let you get extra customers if what they get is similar to what you marketed.

Social media is extra heavily used now than ever before, so take advantage of it. Create Fb and Twitter pages on your internet site or product. marketing on those websites is also a super concept, as You could goal a certain target audience a whole lot extra without difficulty. advertising and marketing are also pretty cheap on these websites.

Pay attention to the advice indexed in this article. Because of the ever-developing necessity of internet advertising and marketing, It is greater crucial than ever before, to make sure which you live focused and organized in your future marketing endeavors. The energy of internet advertising has been mounted and with the right recommendation, You could effectively enact on-line marketing strategies.

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