#haven't talked abt it much on here but the past couple of months have been rough

[pinktinselmonstrosity]

I GOT A PLACE ON THE MASTER'S COURSE!!!!!!!!!

[mariska]

hi queer friends in my phone i hope u have all been having an ok month so far 💖 im sorry i havent been online very much lately, its like 80% just me being forgetful except to hop on my phone app for like ten mins to browse my dash and reblog something and get distracted by another non phone related activity LOL. my bestie Eli is here still until the rest of the month and we finished our rewatch (their first watch, my like......who even knows the specific numbered rewatch) of Avatar The Last Airbender a couple days ago and that was very fun and exciting, it was wild getting to those last few episodes in the final season and just totally getting brought back to being a kid in my head when the show was actively airing on tv and i was sitting in my bedroom exploding from sheer special interest excitement watching the story wrap up on the super small box tv i used to have like 15+ years ago 😭🫡 we haven't started watching Legend Of Korra yet since we just finished ATLA and need to like. take a lil Avatar media break before jumping into another entire finished series fhdhdhsfsshhgd but excited for whenever we start that too!! Eli showed me a fav movie of theirs the other night called Thoroughbreds and i REALLY liked it, fellow toxic yuri enjoyers i truly cannot recommend that one enough those girls have Problems In Abundance and i love that for them and also me.

OH OH OH ALSO on my birthday after we got home from out of house activities we watched that Nic Cage movie 'Dream Scenario' that i've wanted to see so bad since the first trailer for it dropped online a while back, and i am truly not just being dramatic when i say i think that is my favorite movie i've seen this year and it will be Difficult for another movie to win over that 2024 Fav Spot in my mind, it was exactly what i wanted it to be and MUCH MORE LMAOO IT WAS SO GODDAMN FUNNY. very specifically Me And Eli's Kinda Stupid Sense Of Humor throughout the whole run time we were fuckin losing it at every other scene. that was a wonderful lil birthday treat.

also the antique mall we were gonna go to ended up being closed on the day of my birthday so we went to a big mall off-Cape that i like instead and have been to a few other times for past birthdays cus they actually have a bunch of different types of stores with stuff i actually enjoy unlike the more local mall we have here that is 100% dying a slow agonizing Mall Death lmao. went to Build-A-Bear and they had that one bear style in stock that literally just looks like a femme lesbian with the lesbian flag colors and perfect lil eyeliner so i made a Chappell Roan inspired pop star outfit wearing lesbian colored bear (saw someone else online do that a lil while back with the same style i chose so i couldn't resist doing it myself when i saw it was at the store hfsfgsvsgshshdg) and the ppl working there that day were all super chill and friendly and most likely around me and Eli's age or maybe a few yrs younger than us, the person who helped me make my bear specifically was really friendly and fun to talk with cus while we were in there it was pretty much just us and the employees for the majority of the time, he like immediately picked up on me being A Very Obvious Femme Lesbian on account of The Femme Lesbian Bear and also The Very Over The Top Femme Alt Outfit I Was Wearing and we chatted abt being gay and trans while he was stuffing the bear it was such a genuinely sweet and wonderful interaction, he was also autistic and we got to briefly bond over Build-A-Bear being mutual life long autistic special interests of ours and he seemed rly happy to hear that i was turning 27 that day and was still actively wanting to spend birthdays making custom stuffed animals there it was just really great all around 😭💕 also before the mall closed later on we did a quick stop at the FYE store that was there (i always get very excited when i see a still active FYE store anywhere cus it was a childhood fav place of mine to shop but our local mall closed ours when i was a teenager lol) and there was a small stand set up with some ATLA merch and i got a fully functional Momo backpack/crossbody style bag that i am so incredibly psyched about having fjdgedfdhsshfg it is very cute. and anyone who knows me knows i love adding a silly lil functional novelty bag to my collection of silly lil novelty bags. so it will be getting much use from me out in the world

anyways!!! thats pretty much what i've been up to, just figured i would hop on and write a mariska life update so everyone here knows i didnt just like. drop off the face of the earth lol

[mikibwrites]

personal crap under the cut, massive tw for self harm and the thoughts that go along with that.

I wanted to apologize for my absence on here lately. I know you've seen me reblogging n liking sometimes, and i do enjoy coming on here when i have a couple extra spoons bc I love reading everyone's wip posts and the like. When i have even more spoons i try and go back and comment on things i've read and try to be upbeat but most of the time it feels like a lie (not the things i say in comments i MEAN those i definitely mean all the wonderful things i have to say abt your fic, it just feels like im faking a smile for the moment when im making the comment if that makes sense idk)

the truth is i'm not okay. i haven't been okay in....a long time. up until a couple of months ago i was pretty good at masking but it's like i've lost the ability to even do that. i go to work and do what i can to get thru the day. i come home and i barely speak. my husband worries, i know he does, but he doesn't know what to do. the other day at work i dropped a paper clip on the floor while trying to clip some papers together and my mind immediately went "you deserve to die a painful death". and i just thought....yeah. true.

i'm not going to do it. i know im not. mostly in life i tend to just hurt myself in ways that linger. burns. hitting myself till i bruise. stop eating. eat too much. things like that.

also i isolate. i isolate so much that i lose decades long friendships. just bc i can't find the wherewithal to respond to a message. and they end up thinking its their fault when its not. not at all. but then what else are they supposed to think when i essentially ghost them? when i have absolutely zero ability to keep up a convo even in DMs. if You're reading this (which im sure You're not bc why would you) Im sorry. I've thought about you at least once a day every day since you left. I honestly do not know if i could've done better. maybe i was always a piece of shit. You definitely deserve better. You don't want to know nor should you care what i did to myself after i read your last message. bc it is no way your fault and you should not feel anything abt it. but. yeah.

i'm talking abt this friendship i lost and i don't even know when it happened. it feels like it was yesterday. but i could have been years for all i know. time doesn't make sense anymore. i don't sleep. i don't take care of myself. i'm a shell. and yet i get up and go to work every day bc i will be homeless if i don't.

i don't even really know what i'm trying to say here. i guess maybe im trying to tell anyone i've befriended in any of my fandoms that im still here but im not like...here. and im not okay. not by a long shot. but like. i'm trying. also i see every time someone tags me and it makes me ache bc even if it's a copy/paste of a prewritten list, someone remembered i exist today, outside of what people need from me. i have given all of myself and my psyche to a job i used to love but now cannot stand. it's nice to feel acknowledged by someone who doesn't want anything from me other than to show me something they're proud of. it's nice.

so anyway. sorry for the steam of consciousness. i just. needed to say something somewhere. and also apologize for ghosting anyone. i tend to do that.

[highschool-rooftop]

oct. 27th, 2020

man its weird to think this blog is 2 years old isnt it? like when I started this i thought that i was anyday from just killing myself, i had no hope, no job, and was about to love my living situation but thanks to a few nice friends and accepting people, i was able to land a job at *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* and then after that place stressing me to the point of panic attacks and taking it out on the wait staff... then i ended things nice with that place despite how much i hated it and i apologized to the wait staff alot.. probably too much...

now ive worked at *big store chain* a year now and i hate it just as much as i hated *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* for a similar reason too!! i fucking despite the people that run the places i work because i know i could probably do their job 30× better, i just choose not to because thats also 30× more responsibility on my shoulders and ive already got broken legs from the shit i feel like im dealing with outside of work.

the more i focus for a minute the more i feel like my life is in shambles and that im barely functioning right anymore. ive been horribly depressed again as of the past couple months and my family i live with barely talk to me because im always in my room which is like totally fair, but if im not sleeping up there im using whatever energy is left from work to hang out with my friends because theyre actually engaged in the topics i talk about, they show interest and actually talk to me not at me. my aunt and uncle and i have few interests in common so its incredibly difficult for me to keep a conversation going for long with them. theyre always playing card games or board games but im not interested in them, theyre not really that fun for me. my uncle plays xbox but hes typically on COD which i dont enjoy because of how toxic those communities are, hes got minecraft but the last time he played he never told me he was getting on at all otherwise i would've joined! then theres me and my cousin who are currently on nearly completely different schedules and really only see each other when hes taking me to and from work which makes it hard to hang out and play games, and thats of hes even willing to play any of the games im comfortable with and not trying another Survival-Crafting-RPG-Game of the week or something like factorio which is hyper complicated and i dont have the time to dedicate to learning how to play correctly so i just end up being a resource collector and its kinda boring..

and all of thats just the at home situation. my friends at least hear from me more but since alot of them have moved out of town for college at this point i haven't hung out with a friend outside of work irl in like 5, maybe 6 months... and i dont interact with many people at work. im really really lonely.

small bit of good news i feel i should add here in case i dont come back again for a few months is that ive scheduled an appointment to see someone abt getting hrt, itll be Jan 19th! ill also be seeing a few of my online friends in December too!! i hope i can stay alive at least until then. sometimes i feel like im in the same situation i was in when i started this blog but those two things are the two things giving me the hope to keep pushing on i guess.

oh and my old friends birthday will be this weekend, i probably shouldve just forgotten them by now like they probably have me but in the off chance that they ever find this stupid blog: happy birthday BXXXXX, hope you have been in good health and that you are happy ! please be well and enjoy Freddy VS Jason and the Scary Godmother, and the live action Scooby Doo movies again this year !

with that i think thats all ive had to say. im neglecting mentioning new speaker of the house, Mike Johnson, and all the terrible horrible things i want to say abt him and how im worried it will fuck with my healthcare before i even recieve it due to the fact that im typing this up outside, its cold out, my phones almost dead, im tired, and i still have a bit of this bowl of the married iguanas to finish up with before unwinding and going to bed to repeat this living nightmare of a life all over again tomorrow. maybe ill watch adventure time before bed ..?

[dongfangxunfeng]

gonna put it under a readmore ppl who don't rlly know what's happening don't worry abt it too much it's honestly just to get it out to my friends on here

some notes 1. I have been sitting on this for a yr already bc i have just been (a) felt embarrassed honestly that i let this happen (b) guilty bc i felt i was doing smth so wrong (c) overall just felt like i shouldn't talk abt it

2. this is just to talk to my friends here tbh i just. cannot pretend its over when it still affects me a lot.... just want yall to know bc you're my friends yk 😭

anyway. i still feel like I shouldn't be airing this but it's been a year fuck it. the relationship was terrible and of course while there was good aspects to it it was not worth the pain the only way I can rlly do this is bulleted list of just shit bc anything more would require digging into screenshots and i really don't want to do that. also my memory is spotty so yknow. disclaimer etc emotional truth not necessarily verbatim and def not super chronological

it started out fine as it usually does. a month into i said something about how we were at different levels of attraction bc he was telling me how he wanted to wake up next to me. i don't remember exactly what but it was like too much too fast. then he fully shut down and i was like comforting him for days about how yes i still loved him. emotional hell

another point of contention was him visiting me. like it was just so strong how he wanted to. i ended up telling him a couple months in that i wanted to but wasn't comfortable with this talk. you'll see this later too but it was like. hed say shit like 'oh I'd talk abt this but it makes you uncomfortable' re:visiting afterwards. so i was still trying to not talk abt it while having it brought up.

ok honestly the reason why i haven't rlly talked abt it bc of this key bullet point that u need to understand to understand the dynamic but for obvious reasons it's hard to talk about. we were sexting for a while and then i told him no, i do not want to do this. unequivocally. what proceeded to happen was exactly like the visiting thing, where he would bring it up and then go 'i don't want to make you uncomfortable'. like for months he was like yeah I only feel like im loved when we sext and he kept going on about how he was sexually frustrated and how it's not my fault. but he would keep bringing it up. and anything I said was apparently not emotionally helpful. so what the fuck did I do. end up sexting him out of obligation. god and he had the audacity to ask me after we broke up but were still talking (we'll get into THIS PART later) whether or not he ever did anything unconsensual BC he couldn't live with it if he did or smth. im like . excuse me.

anyway so after all of that I was like. getting more involved w my irl friends and tasks and work and school and also I didn't want anything to DO with him bc it would end up coming back to sex was how I felt. and so when I broke up with him he was like 'youve been so cold and awful to me for the past month. why the fuck did you do that.' and proceeded to guilt me over breaking up with him. and literally kept me on the other end by yelling at me over voice call BC he said shit like the least you owe me is a call.

I'll talk abt this post break up time in a next post lol bc it truly is fucking insane. like a 4 month affair that ends in me blocking him.

also there's a lot of shit that will make me look bad and you know what. fuck it I'll own it. yes I did that shit. hopefully you'll see why but if not. that's fine .

u know what i think i finally need to talk abt what happened btwn zero and i because it was genuinely. so bad

[allisonesays]

Hello Allison! Thank you SO much for proving these readings to us, they are extremely appreciated - especially at this time. Could I kindly ask my Guides/higher self what I need to do to help solve/improve this press release writing problem I’ve run into & if it currently means I’m going to have extra eyes on my work, in general, for the time being? [*Context: I started a new job a couple months ago that requires me to either help with or individually write summaries, press releases, notes, etc. I hadn’t had any issues with them until last week when I had to draft a release that was hard to make heads or tails of with the confusing (to me) mix of info. given. Long story short, the draft and the 2nd edit I tried to make to it wasn’t good & one of the higher ups/account leaders wasn’t to virtually sit with me to discuss it/talk about my learning style so they can properly provide feedback+guidance for me/asked about my history with writing (even tho this was the one/only time this happened to me and all my past work was solid). I’m embarrassed, anxious (about this talk/the future/future writing work), feeling stupid, worried this makes me seem as though I need my hand held, and want to fix things FAST]😓AK, Gemini sun/Virgo moon

hello AK. my name is Robyn actually. the url is all is one says. it's a neato lil reference to my faith that draws on it's panenthiesm. what I did here was pray for a window into your situation before I drew and these results don't tell me much about your work. in fact the knight of coins reversed tells me that you may be neglecting life outside work.

I see feelings it isolation and being trapped here. most notably the devil card is often found in dealing with addictions or toxic situations. think of it like the tower card making a fallout post rather than crashing down itself. is this job the right fit for you? are you making a solid work-home balance?

I hate to encourage this but I do have a question. is this job just a means of getting fat checks? do you really have much emotional or personal involvement with this position? here the king of coins reversed as well as all three court cards of the coin suit are telling me materialism is a real factor to your present situation. but this is rectified by the world. let me dig into that more.

the world itself is one of the most auspicious cards to be pulled in the deck. it signifies completion and harmony with the both the self and the universe. in this position though you may need to go through the trials and tribulations of the work ahead to become the person you need to be. this is part of the reason I hate encouraging you to pursue something else. but that something else might just be something outside of work.

on the right side we have the hanged man and the 2 of swords reversed. these make it especially difficult saying there's no real right answer. shifting perspectives, maybe the release of anxiety that will occur when this inevitably blows over, will be enough to guide you through this moment.

the queen of cups in this position leads me to believe that you haven't been reaching out or maybe you've been too focused on your own lane to think abt others. regardless adulthood is not about stifiling your interests but doing the things you were held back from by autonomy and funds. nuture your inner child, accept the foundation you've built for yourself and be patient for this situation to blow over and you won't have anything to worry about.