#haven't messaged a friend since i they got into a long distance relationship and idk why

[kiburebuc]

goddd ugh why do i have such a debilitating reaction to jealousy, genuinely one of the things i dislike most about myself. why can't i just be chill about things. i see any kind of positive interaction from a friend and someone else or a friend i really like gets into a relationship and just oughhhhh, it gives me body and headaches and makes me really shut down socially and the thought of it looms over me and makes me overthink everything. like, i reallyreallyreallyreally wanna be happy for people but i just cant for whatever reason fuckkk. and how it makes me feel like a shit person doesn't help either. this has been a thing about me for as long as i can remember, it legitimately ended my first relationship in highschool and i was such a huge jerk at the time

[kart0]

Am I in love ???? Help

Ok so y'all already know I treat this blog like a journal. And on today's post I'm gonna talk a LOT. So get ready !!!! Also, DISCLAIMER: I'm hypomaniac rn, and my thoughts are zooming like crazy, so this will be one heck of a chaotic text

Remember my situationship, with my best friend, I had, a couple months ago ? So, after like two months of not speaking, he texted me. Casually. Trying to engage in conversation and all of that. And I kept my distance, because I didn't want to bother him with too many messages, I didn't want to idk make him hate me or something. I was scared. But he kept going, and it made me wonder huh, maybe we're ready to be best friends again. Maybe it doesn't hurt anymore.

It's hard, but I have to keep level headed and think logically, so I dont ruin what's left of our friendship, but my mind keeps straying away ( and I might blame this on my hypomania ) and I keep thinking about scenarios and stuff where we're together romantically and we're soulmates.

And I've always been a romantic, ever since I was a kid. It fascinates me. Having this kind of connection, seems so special and a wonderful experience. But turns out I am autistic, and I fall into the aroace spectrum. So I like romance but in an analytical way, I like to dissectic it and see all the layers and complexity. I don't know if I am capable of feeling romantic love.

But him... Oh man... We grew up together, literal babies. He knows me so well, and no one compares to him. As a kid I use to think, truly believe, we would get married once we grew older. And now there's still some spark of hope that maybe we'd get to date once in our lifetimes.

But I don't know what I want, what I truly want, because everything gets mixed up and it's like, foggy, in my brain and I get confused. Like, as an autistic person, I know I can get attached really hard onto someone, so it could be it. But maybe it's not, what if there's real feelings ? But again, I'm hypomaniac right now, what if I go back to normal I regret my choices ? I can't take this risk, I've already damaged our relationship too much. I can't take the risk of hurting him more. Because he like-liked me. And he treated me so well and was so kind and caring.

And now it comes: the self hatred.

I hate myself, and I know I have little to no self esteem. And I don't consider myself to be a good person, even though I'm always trying my best, and I'm not really pretty either... But I don't deserve love. I don't deserve his love, because I'm not sure I can give him back. I can't kiss him. I can't have sex with him. I can't give him a normal love life, a true relationship. He is neurotypical, and he wants and deserves something better than me.

I can't be what he needs. But god, I want him so bad. I wish I could be normal. I don't even know if he would see me as a man. He definitely liked my longer hair, and girly clothes. If we got together, would he regret me ? Would he be embarrassed of me ? Oh man, I haven't even talked about his parents. They used to love me. But now... After what I've done, how I broke his heart. They probably hate me.

He probably regrets me too.

My head is such a mess right now. Part of me wished he didn't message me. So I wouldn't remember how painful it is to year for something I can never have. I long for love but I don't know if I can feel it. But I'm so scared of being alone. And also, I'm such a jealous creature too. I'm terrified of him meeting a pretty girl, and getting his life together and we'd never talk anymore.

I wish I could be normal. I'm crying writing this, because it hurts so much. I know I feel something for him. But I can't tell what it is. I just wished we could go back in time, before things got messy.

I'm like a stupid teenager, I keep checking my phone every second to see if me replied.

Ugh.

That's all. Thanks for reading. Makes me feel less lonely.

[polygonal-trees]

I don't much like putting this stuff here but I need to get it off my chest and I don't want to use my main

today, after thinking about it for a long time, I decided to put some much needed distance between myself and somebody who used to be a very close friend. I don't want to cut them off completely but idk if pur friendship will survive

and the truth is that i don't even feel that bad about it because it really needed to happen.

what used to be a normal, happy relationship turned extremely toxic. there had always been ups and downs, but nothing that couldn't be talked through and overcome. or so I thought. in retrospect I wonder if I was just giving in and apologising to avoid conflict

but anyway, my friend has a long history of mental illness, including suicidal ideation. this is incredibly stressful for friends and family in its own right and I've weathered many sleepless nights, but it was worth it because I could help someone really important to me. more recently however, I feel like my friend was lashing out at their friends far more often and treating us really terribly

I don't want to go into detail but some stuff was said over DMs that was really horrible, and while I know it's a product of their mental illness, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with

and the fact is that I am also mentally ill. not in the same way or to the same degree, but I certainly don't have the mental or emotional fortitude to cope with that degree of stress, repeatedly, from someone I'm supposed to be able to trust and confide in. I went from enjoying my friend's company to constantly worrying that I was about to say or do (or not say or not do) something that would cause them to either shut down and storm off, or start saying some really fucked up and hurtful things

I've also never received an apology. I get that mentally ill people are expected to apologise to a ridiculous degree, but after all the fucking grovelling I've done I'd at least appreciate a fucking "sorry i hurt you"

anyway. we just got back from a short trip - me, them, and a third close friend - and apart from some of your standard travel troubles everything went really well. we all had a great time. and yet.

and yet.

it still ended with my friend storming out of the hotel late at night to stay elsewhere, because they 'didn't want to be around us'. no other explanation until the morning

apparently there were multiple contributing factors, but one of them was that I... didn't say thank you enough.

and good god that's just bullshit

being annoyed at me? fine. thinking I'm ungrateful? fine. but fucking refusing to spend the night in the same building as me?? I'm not putting up with that!!

even if I genuinely didn't say thank you enough (something i disagree with lmao) I have the right to be mildly dickish without worrying that it's going to cause a mental breakdown. I am not - and I cannot stress this enough - I am not mentally healthy enough to cope with that.

and to top it all off, the reason I may have seemed ungrateful or w/e is probably because I am currently going through a depressive episode. something my friend knew about, because I told them.

so to have them turn around and blame me for shit caused by my mental illness when their mental illness causes them to actively hurt people all the fucking time, is just another step too far. again, it's not their fault, but I think their mental illness makes them so self centered that they genuinely don't know how hypocritical they are. and that's not something I can fix

this isn't even the worst thing that's happened, but I know that if this is the result of an overall really good experience, then I need to jump ship before the next genuine crisis because fucking hell

anyway it's been a few hours since I told them I'm going to take a step back and I haven't read their reply yet because I know it's going to be rough lmao

(god but my message was so fucking kind as well, all 'i want what's best for you' and 'I'll treasure the memories'. I don't think they'll ever appreciate how nice i was being despite how hurt and angry i am)

but at the same time, I already feel better, and it turns out that several of our mutual friends have done similar (tho idk if they sent messages) so at least I feel supported and understood. it's just going to be tough moving forward because they were a very significant part of my life for a very long time, tho i know this was definitely the right choice

anyway, back to the robot posting. til all are one or whatever lmao