#haven't actually done it irl just told me rn

[fishareglorious]

THEY ADDED AUTO REPLAY FOR THE ANECDOTE CHALLENGE STAGES???? FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[izzy-b-hands]

Rambling abt the half dream half nightmare that woke me up today below the cut. feel free to ignore, just need to vent it out somewhere. Probably going to include me talking abt Current Family Issues and Feelings so. yeah. TW for mentions of someone in hospital, death, religion, and overall family dysfunction lmao

I know that ultimately, right now, if something big and/or terrible happened medically to anyone in my family back in ND, I wouldn't be able to go see them. The money just isn't there (part of why I'm not going out there this summer nor are they coming out here at all.) I've accepted it, and I try not to think abt it.

That said, LOVE (read: HATE) my brain deciding a hyper realistic yet weird dream abt my mum winding up in hospital is the way to go this morning. Complete with:

-her bf refusing to speak to me abt it, and telling me not to bother going to visit her in the weird, somehow existing in both CT and ND simultaneously, hospital with a 'haven't you already been enough of a burden to her?'

-me staying in my grandparent's old house in ND, and for some reason that meant being wildly unable to get ready to go to the hospital. Finding my clothes was nearly impossible, but. all their old decorations were back up on the wall so even as I was searching for them I like. Didn't want to leave? As if the house would revert back to being sold like it has been irl, if i left it. Finally I wound up just stealing clothes from my grandfather's side of their closet (specifically his old 80s styled 'eagle on a tree branch' print sweater that he got forced to toss a few years ago bc it was becoming more holes than sweater, and one of his old, big leather jackets. somehow i found jeans that fit me, idk how considering i can't seem to do that irl rn but i digress)

-me showing up to the hospital FINALLY only for Noel Fielding?? to be sitting outside it with a friend dressed in what i can only describe as absolutely gorgeous future techno witch clothing. Unfortunately they were fucking dicks in this dream and scared the shit out of me by joking that 'it was so nice I'd shown up still despite the worst' and implying my mum had already passed. Noel did shout apologies as i stomped off inside and that as far as he knew she was still okay, but his friend is the one who handed me a wrapped in plastic, small, metal stool with a weird cartoon face on the seat so i could 'sit with her body, like sitting shiva, right?' (not like that at all to my knowledge, but then again my family has rarely to never fully followed any of the various religious rituals around death, we just. take the bits the dead person liked from them and ignore the rest, for better or for worse. Maybe that's just what happens when a family is a mishmash of various christian sorts from Catholic to Protestant with the hidden knowledge that actually, prior to ppl moving to the States, ppl in the family were Jewish but inter-marrying into Catholic families for safety-sake, and so any Jewish traditions used now are done wrongly and weirdly and in odd bits and pieces. At least that's as much as I've been told/have found out abt it, anyway)

-I proceed into this stupidly fancy and open concept hospital, to immediately find a hugr crowd mucking up the elevators (crowding the elevator bank and refusing to let others on.) That's where Con showed up, and helped me make it up the ridiculously wide, roundish staircases (think like. wide rounded stage steps, but for each level of this hospital), while also trying soothe me by telling me Housemate was already here and waiting for me, so were my grandparents and even Mum's bf (he promised to keep him away from me lol, it was v sweet in an otherwise filled with anxiety dream.)

-however, as we were struggling up the steps (also full of crowds, pushing each other around, so we literally had to hold hands and hold onto the railings and walls to avoid being shoved down the stairs), he kept hesitating on saying more abt mum. He tried to distract me by mentioning that, since I was here, the docs might want me to address some of my own health issues but that he wouldn't let them force me into any treatment i didn't want. Then he finally alluded to mum being in worse straits than I'd been told abt and said something to the effect of 'doing only what you can, not what she or others would expect of you' and 'not to set yourself on fire to keep someone else alive' plus admitting he was deeply worried my family was abt to force me into a big decision that absolutely wasn't the ONLY treatment option that would help mum, but it was implied to be the one mum's bf and my grandparents were pushing for.

-still dunno exactly what that option was, but just before i woke up i started hearing the latter part of the song Gethsemane from JCS (Housemate and I have been watching various versions irl this weekend lol), specifically the bit where Jesus dares/begs/etc God to see how he dies. This was accompanied by me finally reaching my mum's hospital room, and a stupid bright light emanating from it and like. Not to critique my own brain and the dream it created, but that was far too on the nose for me personally lmao.

-and I woke up thinking abt the call with my grandparents that I had on Thursday (didn't go super poorly but went. kind of weird and uncomfortable and confirmed again that like. they're happy for me being out here in CT, yet at the same time hold it and my happiness against me to some unconscious degree as originally outright confirmed by Mum in an earlier call her and I had like. Tail end of last year lmao. the main crux seeming to be 'why couldn't i find happiness in ND/what's wrong with all of them/why wasn't i willing to keep trying to make my life work in ND regardless of my happiness/don't i know how hard it is without my being there to help everyone whenever they ask/etc family bullshit')

And now I'm laying here thinking. If the Worst would happen for any of them, they would fully expect me to empty my bank accounts and do whatever else i had to, to get to ND not just to see them, but to help. to take care of as much as possible for them (mum and grandma get decision paralysed by sad/scary life events, my aunt is so uncomfortable with sickness and death she won't do hospital visits or funerals at all anymore for anyone, my cousins...are young enough they won't know how to handle it/won't want to, my grandpa tends to just shut down and isolate when things go to shit, and that's not to say that they all don't still get done things that need doing in these situations, but that they DO all usually need prodding and help and have leaned on me for that since i was a kid.)

And i would of course want to see them/help however i could, but. not to that extent. not to the point that I'd have nothing for myself, no money or help (bc they're not in a position to return that help or money to me, and they'd be so emotional as to likely be extremely offended and upset if i mentioned needing help myself.)

That said, I'm sick of silently daring them to watch me die just for their sakes, even tho i do still love them all dearly. and of course, that's entirely too dramatic but at the same time, Mum and I have had convos abt 'what if there's a shooting somewhere that we're at, how do we handle it, how are we attempting to protect each other' and Mum always says she would take a bullet for me, but she didn't protest when i say that I'd take one for her or anyone else in the family first. Last time she just nodded like. yeah. of course you would. so. Feelings, abt all of this.

If u actually read this full thing that was A. very sweet of u and i appreciate that u care abt my silly lil fucked up brain enough to do that (genuinely, I'm v grateful) and b. here is a pic of Nisha as what little compensation i can give for u reading this long ass ramble lol

[smallfriendlyhamster1187]

Waytfm hype-train: @$11.87 Doki doki time motherfucker

Tormeson: We expect good, written commentary

biglawk: oh my god it's happening

Danimark: I expect great things

Waytfm hype-train: @$11.87 get the fuck in here and start playing

Waytfm hype-train: So help me god, I will ban you

$11.87: ok but i only have one hour

$11.87: one sec

Waytfm hype-train: Fuck, why are you so awful

Waytfm hype-train: Skip whatever the fuck it is

$11.87: i have a life my dude

biglawk: get your shit together 11

biglawk: jesus christ

$11.87: i have to go to UVA

Waytfm hype-train: you have a game to play, fuck your life

biglawk: how about you fucking call UVA up and tell them to wait

Waytfm hype-train: ^

Tormeson: :veryTru:

$11.87: https://www.twitch.tv/movkeyb

Waytfm hype-train: Wait, are you legit streaming this?

$11.87: not with commentary, but yeah

$11.87: since my gf is sleeping

$11.87: but if you want to follow along

Waytfm hype-train: We demand commentary here

Waytfm hype-train: Type it out

$11.87: yeah i'll do that

$11.87: but you can watch along

Waytfm hype-train: I might pop in

$11.87: hmm what should my name be

$11.87: a boat name generator says i should be "Limerick II"

$11.87: so thats my name

Waytfm hype-train: No, that's awful

Waytfm hype-train: Name yourself oby

$11.87: nah im a boat rn

Waytfm hype-train: Fucking restart the game

$11.87: fine

$11.87: yeesh

Waytfm hype-train: You're almost at sec's level of playthrough awfulness

$11.87: oh the sayori girl came up to me

$11.87: brb putting on pants irl

biglawk: i'm going to be sick

Tormeson: @secular25 your gameplay was fine I'm sorry for having mocked you

Waytfm hype-train: haha

Waytfm hype-train: @secular25 Fuck you sec, you'll never be forgiven

$11.87: this game is far improved when i think of myself as being a boat

Waytfm hype-train: I'll make that game for you

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434352582534889483/unknown.png?width=400&height=48

Waytfm hype-train: Hatoful Boatfriend

$11.87: i feel insulted

Tormeson: I want a british Sayori calling you a chav now

10: 04 AM] $11.87: =\

https: //media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434353085293527050/unknown.png?width=400&height=61

$11.87: fuck off main character

$11.87: you're so melodramatic

biglawk: MC is the worst

Tormeson: 0 to hate in 25 seconds flat

Waytfm hype-train: Fucking MC

Tormeson: Impressive

$11.87: who is MC

Tormeson: Main Character

biglawk: main character you dip

$11.87: oh ok

$11.87: i meet girl with large bust, named "girl 1"

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434353366458564608/unknown.png?width=400&height=183

Waytfm hype-train: That's how you know it's anime

$11.87: > this club is full of incredibly cute girls

$11.87: MC confirmed thirsty

$11.87: well, thats a given, seeing as he is a boat

Waytfm hype-train: Holy shit, I'm banning you

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434353710894940180/unknown.png?width=400&height=65

biglawk: uwu

Tormeson: :smilepls:

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434354038256173066/unknown.png[10:07 AM] Tormeson: That's the only anime emoji I have

Tormeson: I think

biglawk: i long watching 11 screenshot things

Waytfm hype-train: Everytime I see the name "Limerick" I want to just delete this whole channel

$11.87: Limerick II

Waytfm hype-train: Mes, how can you not have anime emojis?

Tormeson: I dunno, I'm not in servers that have a lot :shrug:(edited)

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434354508496371730/unknown.png?width=400&height=44

$11.87: why is everybody so coy

$11.87: "these are good cupcakes you made"

Waytfm hype-train: Motherfucker, have you read a VN before?

$11.87: gasp HOW DARE YOU

Waytfm hype-train: Also, if you wanted to bump the resolution down to like 720 or what have you, I'd appreciate it. not only is my internet carried in by carrier pigeon, but I also have a daily datacap

Waytfm hype-train: it's pretty awful

$11.87: one sec

$11.87: its at 720 and 10 fps

Waytfm hype-train: Aight, I can do doki doki powerpoints

Waytfm hype-train: Hopefully

biglawk: 11 you broke your stream wtf

Waytfm hype-train: It's at 480p now, actually

$11.87: its working for me

$11.87: oh oops

$11.87: lemme fix that

Tormeson: Eleven, my first VN was DDLC and even I wasn't surprised by this

Waytfm hype-train: Go play Saya no uta, Mes

Waytfm hype-train: stream it

Tormeson: I have exams tho

Tormeson: After exams?

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434356081435607040/unknown.png?width=400&height=32

Waytfm hype-train: You think I care about your life

$11.87: time to seduce monica

Waytfm hype-train: She's onto you 11

Waytfm hype-train: Abort game

Waytfm hype-train: Get the fuck out of there

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434356229834407936/unknown.png

10: 16 AM] $11.87: some romance going on in here

Tormeson: Monika would probably wipe the floor with you, Eleven

biglawk: you don't even stand a chance

Tormeson: And I'm not talking about her club, just Monika

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434356457534914560/unknown.png?width=400&height=216

$11.87: title screen

$11.87: stop telling me about these teacups when you've not animated them

$11.87: they just have their hands behind their back

$11.87: thats a weird ass way to hold your cup of tea

$11.87: "ah i read a horror book once"

$11.87: me_irl

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434356908489703424/unknown.png?width=400&height=27

Tormeson: I think Eleven is our world's MC

Waytfm hype-train: Yeah, Saya no Uta is kinda bad. it's a shame, because it's a cthulhu love story, basically, but cthulhu is a loli and it kinda ruins it

Tormeson: Fun fact my second VN was DDRC

Tormeson: I haven't played any other VNs

Waytfm hype-train: Oh, boy

$11.87: i have 200 hours in some anime dating sim

$11.87: but i just afk'd that for two weeks

$11.87: im not really one for VNs or animes in general

biglawk: lmao

Waytfm hype-train: No, fuck off, you don't get to say "I have 200 hours in a dating sim" and "I'm not one for VNs"

Waytfm hype-train: You shit

biglawk: ddlc was my first and so far only VN

$11.87: who tf is like this

https: //media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434357829168660480/unknown.png?width=361&height=300

biglawk: nic

$11.87: this girl is going to snap her spine or something

$11.87: also is there some fan thats out of shot that makes the hair billow

Tormeson: No she's just perfect

Tormeson: Doesn't need a fan

Waytfm hype-train: Mes

Tormeson: And she has a strong spine

biglawk: we're all her fans

Waytfm hype-train: Don't

$11.87: oh no

$11.87: i actually have to do something

Waytfm hype-train: You trash

$11.87: i forgot that this was a game and not just a powerpoint

$11.87: since i spent the last 20 minutes just reading the slides

biglawk: who are you gonna try to bang

Tormeson: You

Waytfm hype-train: Write your poem

Waytfm hype-train: Go go go

Tormeson: :ablobwink:

biglawk: :heart_eyes:

$11.87: monica obviously

$11.87: what the heck how does this work

$11.87: um

$11.87: time to write some magical literary masterpiece

Waytfm hype-train: Click a word

Waytfm hype-train: then click another

Waytfm hype-train: And do that until you've spilled your heart out onto a page

$11.87: > suicide

Waytfm hype-train: >picking papa

$11.87: > one girl jumps up and down excitidly

Waytfm hype-train: hmmm

$11.87: i have daddy issues, ok?

Waytfm hype-train: You have no idea

Waytfm hype-train: Yuri is trash-tier, just so you know

Waytfm hype-train: Natsuki is like a worm crawling around on the ground

biglawk: delete tihs

Tormeson: Yuri is trash-tier only if trash-tier means top-tier

Waytfm hype-train: My girl Sayori floats above like an angel though

$11.87: hmm mr "oh jeez whats a 'book'" is now effortlessly flirting

Waytfm hype-train: You're a fast learner

Waytfm hype-train: There had better be A)voice and B)a saved VOD when you finish this game after you're done with your other stuff

$11.87: hmm, i can probably record

$11.87: but rn my roommates are loudly watching something else

Waytfm hype-train: Eh, this first hour probably doesn't matter so much(edited)

$11.87: also yuri sure seems to be a datelet

biglawk: explain this word

$11.87: she is very ungood at being subtle

$11.87: she's bad at flirting

Waytfm hype-train: Have twitch save your past broadcasts, though, if they don't already

$11.87: i think the bigger question is "what sort of chad am i where so many people are tripping over themselves to date me"

biglawk: big booby goth tho

$11.87: they only do that if you have enough subs or something

Waytfm hype-train: That is a big question

Waytfm hype-train: I don't think they do?

$11.87: also brb im getting some water

$11.87: my recording software can probably do that

Waytfm hype-train: Haven't really looked too much into that

$11.87: " i just happened to buy two of them"

$11.87: hmm that was a bit heavy handed

Waytfm hype-train: You ain't seen shit

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434360808248442881/unknown.png?width=400&height=37

10: 34 AM] Waytfm hype-train: Buckle up motherfucker

Waytfm hype-train: Quit ruining my posts, 11

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434360967158300682/unknown.png?width=400&height=30

https: //media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434361015996645376/unknown.png?width=400&height=36

$11.87: > implying that the MC being a doofus will be a surprise twist

biglawk: but who is the real MC

$11.87: oh no

$11.87: stop bullying me

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434361467806941200/unknown.png?width=400&height=184

$11.87: :thinking:

Tormeson: >LimerickII

I might just delete this channel

$11.87: i told you, im cosplaying as a boat

Tormeson: Hmmm

biglawk: why delete this whole channel when you can just delete 11

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434361939792101376/unknown.png?width=400&height=36

$11.87: this some tasty smut

biglawk: lewd

Tormeson: Don't make me use this

https: //media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434362150668992512/Capture_2018-04-13-10-39-46.png?width=194&height=301

$11.87: > sorry i didn't know you were self concious about that sort of thing

$11.87: you fucking idiot MC

$11.87: brb getting water

$11.87: back

$11.87: oh no its decision making time

$11.87: who should i show my poem to

Tormeson: Who's your fav?

Waytfm hype-train: Gross

biglawk: decision time

Waytfm hype-train: No one wants you to whip out your poem

$11.87: ill show it to my waifu, monica

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434363648316538902/unknown.png?width=400&height=78

$11.87: this game is not good at being subtle

Waytfm hype-train: Your face isn't good at being subtle

biglawk: i hate you and your boat

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434364023979638804/unknown.png?width=24&height=300

$11.87: i like how this is handdrawn

$11.87: like, is that canon?

Waytfm hype-train: ?

$11.87: did monica actually draw this little slide thing on her paper

Waytfm hype-train: lol

biglawk: yes

biglawk: what do you think of her poem

$11.87: :shrug:

Waytfm hype-train: Monika's poems are shit

Waytfm hype-train: Natsuki has the good stuff

$11.87: roni just shouted "yuri is best girl"

$11.87: so i know who her waifu is

Waytfm hype-train: Roni, shut the fuck up

Waytfm hype-train: We're trying to have a moment here

biglawk: based roni

Tormeson: Roni is right

Waytfm hype-train: I'll ban all of you

Tormeson: Tell her that she's right

Tormeson: :(

Waytfm hype-train: I'll corrupt 11's game so he can't play anymore if you keep poisoning his mind

biglawk: i would be banned a million times for yuri

Waytfm hype-train: You will be

biglawk: oh no

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434364791575019521/unknown.png?width=400&height=41

$11.87: thats some good mind reading MC has

$11.87: then again he's a boat so pretty much any action he takes is impressive

Waytfm hype-train: Go play hatoful boyfriend

$11.87: the fuck is this shit

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434365292391563286/unknown.png

$11.87: this reminds me of that joke with the table

Tormeson: :tharking:

Waytfm hype-train: Flicka flicka

$11.87: why cant i tell what my poem is about

$11.87: it is just a bunch of random words on a piece of paper

Waytfm hype-train: Yeah, you're a pretty shitty poet

$11.87: hm this poem is the best imo

$11.87: its not 2deep4me

$11.87: HAHAHAHHAHAHHAA

$11.87: this poem is so trashy i love it

$11.87: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/433621801512337410/434366555699019788/unknown.png?width=249&height=301

biglawk: way is going to ban you

Waytfm hype-train: Listen here you little shit

Tormeson: I'm not a Natsuki-boi but I actually like that poem

$11.87: > i dont get an option as MC to trash on her poem

$11.87: whats even the point of playing tbh

$11.87: anyway i need to head out

Waytfm hype-train: Yeah, you'd better get the fuck out of here

$11.87: i'll have my laptop so i can remote access if i have any downtime

$11.87: but i won't be able to alt tab as easily to give comments

Waytfm hype-train: Commentary is paramount

Tormeson: :ANGERY:

biglawk: just wait until you're back home

Tormeson: ^Way rn

$11.87: oh god i can't wait to get 0 sleep tonight

$11.87: im not bringing my bed

$11.87: so its blankets and floors for me and roni

Tormeson: >having a bed

You fucking bourgeois scum

(napkin) i might miss your msg: who is roni?

Tormeson: Eleven's gf

(napkin) i might miss your msg: understandable