#have to read this because it's really mean & petty & way less compssionate than i'd like to be

[courantdair]

ykw not to quantify """trauma""" but (doing exactly that) i actually have decided that nine months of almost dying multiple times comma attempting suicide getting albeit temporarily kicked out developing substance use problems sleeping outdoors honestly anything about being transgender in an ER is actually probably worse than "being very stressed about my life due to yr proximity to my situation." which isn't to dismiss the very real, inexcusable, irreversible, & tangible harm that the latter entailed but just to say that "you commenting on how proud you are for surviving this year despite, & i quote, 'That Shit,' is admirable but also - in my uncharitabel & petty moments - feels kind of ludicrous considering the fact that 'That Shit' had My Pulmonary Embolysms involved." like again i'm not discrediting or minimizing the very very real + painful experience it must have been to be near all of this stuff & my reactions to this stuff but also like wow you had to spend a week sleeping on your friend's couch before moving into your new apartment? that's so sad. (not totally sarcastic, it is sad/hard/difficult). i'm actually still sleeping on my friend's floor and might not graduate depending on how scary my lab results come back tomorrow. but congratulations on submitting your thesis even though you don't feel proud of it since you associate it with 'going through That Shit.' it's very interesting because i actually wasn't able to write a thesis at all due to um, Being Me! 👍🏽

& again, you naming yr experience as 'ongoing trauma' is accurate, & is something that deserves to be healed. but i think part of why i'm mad is that i'm also frustrated that for me i'll have to relive it for maybe even the rest of my life considering that i apparently have progressive disabilities with no cure. & i'm mad partially for more selfish reasons but like i'm kind of done feeling so remorseful bc ofc there are steps i am taking to be more mindful of my reactions but also like okay we're done for real i have the self respect not to keep associating with someone who only sees me as one million problems to be solved. i really do wish them all the best i will always want them to be happy. but continuing to blame myself with no recourse isn't productive/restorative at all, i am a whole human person you spent four years of your life with, not just a self harm project that happened to you