#have had one every day this month so far :’)
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I’ve been feeling some kinda way so now that I’m home and ready to write lemme just say.
no one really prepares you for how grieving a friendship or relationship feels and whilst I know how easy it is to fall into hurt and anger I’m just slowly realizing that as hard as making that decision for yourself is it’s not a bad thing and eventually you will be able to look back on the things that happened before everything took those turns and go there were good times and like reminisce in a way that isn’t inherently painful.
#I’ve been in a much better place and I’m far happier than I was#but catching up with my ex to get my stuff back and just chatting made me go#huh despite everything that happened that was shitty between us#you’re still a funny person and the three years we had whilst not always being good weren’t all awful#I’m glad you’re doing better for yourself now#which made me realize even what I’m in now will pass#and I will be able to look back on it one day and go yeah that wasn’t all bad#ooc.#sorry I’m in my feelings but the last two months have been hard#and I’m so happy to be writing with new people and finding joy in this hobby again#I’m not saying this applies to everyone and every end#but it’s good to know it’s not always gonna be pain
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do you ever just sit there thinking about your favorite ocs while violently shaking. god. clenches fist. They're So.
#every time a song from their Joint Playlist comes on i go fucking feral#the betrayal the refusal to Let Go the haunting the persisting love the renunciation the resentment the abandonment the resignation#the overwhelming desire to do good vs the fear of admitting you were wrong vs the two people you love most tearing each other apart#AGHHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK IM SUDDENLY DEEP IN THE ORIGINAL SAUCE#five seconds i was Normal. scribbling welcome home#then One Of The Songs Came On and now im losing my fucking marbles#perceived betrayals leading to real betrayals....#going too far and now its too late you're Committed you cant go back#he came to you thinking he could make you understand and you could work together to make things Better#and instead you ripped his heart out and left it bleeding on the floor for everyone to see#THEY MAKE ME MORE INSANE THAN LITERALLY ANYTHING#absolutely unprompted#the oc Unwellness comes and goes in waves but its the only true constant obsession with my life#god those three... my dearest darling Trio.... how old are they turning this year?#is it year eight of having them? year nine?#one of the two is for sure how long ive had My Specialest Boy Light Of My Life The Reason I Am Still Alive#the other two came after... maybe only mere months after but he was the first and he is just. i love him so fucking much#he is so so personal to me. he has a permanent place carved out in my chest#he sleeps on my ribs <3#the other day i was reminiscing about his development over the years. his changes his different Versions#and fuck... he's really changed with me huh??#his past selves are echoes of my own self over the years#like he is Very different from me but at the same time. i created him with little pieces of myself sewn in#we hold the same views the same beliefs. im not him and hes not me but we're Kindred yk yk#i think i need to go listen to his playlist.... how long is it now... let me check... 15 hours 13 mins... 228 songs...#my gay 5'2 powerhouse of a guy. him <3#maybe 'them' too he's played fast and loose with gender over the years. holy shit wait#his development echoes mine... i characterized him as 'fucks with gender norms' long before i realized my own gender fuckery#god damn. i love him even more now. i didnt think that was possible. im going to cry. hes so important to me#he has been with me through my worst years... and will be with me through all the hard times to come <3
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Got prescribed a new anti nausea medication to manage my health bullshit while we continue trying to diagnose it and I took the first dose today since I wasn’t feeling great (it’s a take-as-needed thing) and. I’m not feeling nauseous right now but I do have literally every other symptom that tends to go along with the nausea (weird temperature swings, fatigue, dizziness, brain fog, etc) which are apparently all common side effects of this medication. So maybe it’s working as intended?? But I’m so incredibly anxious because usually when I have this set of symptoms it means my nausea is about to get really bad.
#I hate this so much#I’m hoping that it is just the medications normal side effects and not something else#but also if I’m gonna feel like this every time I take this med idk if it’s worth it#I’ve had a hectic couple of days so it is possible that I’m just feeling like this because of that#but god I feel kinda awful#I’m watching totoro with my partner cause it’s one of the few ghibli movies I haven’t seen yet but#it’s so hard to keep my eyes focused on the subtitles so I keep missing stuff#god I’m so tired of this health bullshit#I had my long awaited appointment with a specialist and other than prescribing me this new med#which sucks so far#they just ordered repeats of several of the tests I’ve already had done#and a couple new ones but I’m not super hopeful#I have a follow-up appointment in three months#at which point I will have been having these symptoms for over a year#and I’m just so tired of it#god I’m so fucking tired of it#the being of chaos speaks#health tw
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I am so so fucking glad that Pokemon is taking a gap year but the one downside is that November is kinda mid without a Pokemon game to look forward to
#I'm really starting to feel academic stress build up which I don't foresee ending until I am on winter break a month and a half later#and last november kinda fucking broke me soooooooo#yea if you are someone I text a lot and you notice my reply time going down I prommy I still love u I am just busy and exhausted#ALL THAT BEING SAID I very deliberately chose the adjective 'mid' instead of anything harsher because recently I have been thinking about#how there is value in every single day and I don't want to wish away time#I've started keeping a journal about my life recently and so far that has been one of the main themes and motifs#HIGHLY recommend journaling btw. one of the best fucking decisions I have made this year#unfortunately I haven't had much time to write in it recently CAUSE I HAVE ASSIGNMENCE RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH#my beautiful mind
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I'm about to be so annoying btw
#by this I mean I'm going to talk about my job until it's no longer new and exciting sorry guys#but this is literally the first good thing to happen to me in MONTHS#shit has been so bad like SO unbelievably bad for a WHILE#like. not only do I have a job (!!!!!!) but it actually seems like a really good fit for me and what I need#like. the hours aren't horrible and in fact I could stand to have more of them#the pay isn't *good* but it's not the worst I've ever made for sure#the work environment though... that's where it gets me. because I get to just be one guy in a store interacting with customers and literally#nobody else#for most of my workday#like. no small talk except for with customers. no learning about my coworker's stupid life. no trying to get along with someone for the sake#of work#like. I just get to be alone and sell shit and when it's slow I get to organize shit like. hello??? yes please#I don't have to be micromanaged because I'm literally alone. like. god I'm so excited#plus it's similar to work I've done before. so. yay#I do really like the coworker I've met before though. he's very sedate and has excellent customer service.#which I know bc every time my mom shops there and he's the one working he's very genial and nice#definitely good at his job. but I wouldn't be surprised if he was getting high in the back or something lmao#he's just so calm ive never met a dude more chill like. he seems like the exact opposite of anxious#and then my other coworker I haven't met yet but I'm sure she's fine.#I do like my boss though! and she's only my boss until they get another manager bc she's actually the manager at another location too#she's just filling in here while they look for another manager#but I like her she was extremely up-front and no-nonsense and plainly stated exactly what she needs from an employer#employee*#which is honestly such a relief like my last job I felt like I had no clue what people wanted from me and it was horrible#but this seems better so far#also I know for a fact I beat out two other people who had interviews the same day and I was so much the preferred choice#that she didn't even wait to decide or anything#she called me like a few hours after my interview ended like. that 3rd person left and she immediately hired me instead lol#which I have to admit does feel good after so long feeling inadequate and unhirable.#I am more hirable than at least two people. so THERE
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💚
#RDO TOMORROW!!#(thats rostered day off for those who dont know. which i didnt before i got this job.#it means i work an extra half hour every day and that all adds up to a full day off during the week once a month.)#rdo's are my museum/zoo days!!#this is the first one i've had in months where i havent been sick. so i wanna try and do museum. zoo. and a little shopping-#if i can swing it#zoo's free for me cuz i'm a member- and i only really wanna see my favourite gentlemen wilbur and little john (giant tortoises).#museum pricey but i'm a student again!! so- discount 💞💞#i get to see my OTHER favourite gentleman there. he's a taxidermy horse. i have BIG FEELINGS about him.#then not far from that is the biggest book store in the city and i really wanna browse that for a while <3<3<3#i also wanna go back to the comic book store i found that renglund book at. see if theres anything else cool there ^^#i cant wait. its gonna be a good day even if I dont get to everything XD
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I’m so excited I’m like literally shaking
#so I work at like seasonal job multiple stores and shit some more far out and in the boonies than others#and like before I was at my current job I managed this shitshow camp store#literally was so horrible but only bcs my boss sucked and pushed all his responsibilities to me while I still had to do MY JOB#like darkest time of my life trying to keep that store from falling apart until eventually I was like fuck this#transferee to a different property in a different state and like stalked this lady who would come help us and she hired me as her assistant#like truly amazing I love her so much my boss is the fucking best#but now at my property we have a camp store with no manager being run to the ground#so they asked me to go manage it…#and lLIKEEEE ITS IN THE HIGH CIUNTRY#SOOO NO SERVICE LIVING IN A TENT SHARED SHOWER DORMS#IM SO EXCITEDDD#and also I’ll be at 9k feet elevation SO ILL SEE STARSS!#im at 5thoussnd feet rn and it’s just not the same#my shitty store was at 7 thousand but the year before I lived at 8 thousand feet and the stars are so magical#but everyone else I work with feels bad I ‘have to’ go up there and run the store for a few weeks#I’m like literally MY PLEASURE#working in a camp store is literally summer camp vibes#and I’m such a retail girl boss they didn’t even brief me they were like you know how to open and close a store#AND I DONT HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF INVOICESSS#that was my nightmare at the last place like they taught all the managers how to recieve and pay invoices but no one else really understood#sooo like a day before months end when invocies HAVE to be paid I’d get stacks from every store on property#and like just my store was already a lot to go through bcs we did groceries and gas and beer and retail merch#but lol I came to my current place and they have a whole office just for that lotta sweet lady’s in accounting I’m like damn??#they did me so dirty????#best part about being a warehouse girl with previous retail management experience is thissss#pray for me though I haven’t managed other humans in 2 years and they’re union employees so I just have to follow all the rules#love the union but I’m scared of breaking any labor laws since I’ve never managed humans in the state in living in#last state was horrible there was no lunch break laws
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i feel very disappointed and sad right now 😞
#my three cousins (that i took care of a lot when i was younger) and i were supposed to go to breakfast and shopping in a v pride friendly#town tomorrow and we’ve had this planned for over a week and i’ve been looking forward to it every day since#and i just texted them letting them know when i’ll be at their house in the morning to pick them up#and one of them goes what plans? as if she didn’t agree to the plans last week and tells me it’s her bfs birthday tomorrow and she’s going#to his party. lol#and her brother just flat out cancels as well#i was so excited to have a day with all of them and show them around during pride month because the usual pride is turned up to the max#right now so it’s really cute and fun esp because the brother and the cousin i haven’t mentioned so far are queer#i just feel very disappointed and sad and honestly frustrated that they cancelled at the last minute and that i had to reach out to them to#find out that they were cancelling bro. who does that#so we’re going to go to breakfast at another place (not the place i was planning or wanting to take them) and then the 1 cousin who didn’t#cancel on me and i are still going to go shopping where i wanted to take her#>:l & :(((((((( i’m disappointed ☹️#it will still be fun but :(#it’s not what i had planned or wanted and i looked forward to it for a long time and had my hopes up high 😞#and sorry not to be that guy but i wish i had a gay or queer older sibling/cousin when i was younger so i am trying to be that for them#knight rambles
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can dads please be normal about things for one fucking second
#like. he and his partner just spent a week biking in italy and having a fab time while i'm studying for ib finals at home and taking exams#supposedly the most stressful and busiest month in our lives so far#and now the entire day he's been getting on my ass about how the kitchen table (where i study) is messy and how the bathroom is untidy etc#like mister hello?? i'm trying to learn my entire high school's worth of material in one month and you can't move one notebook before eatin#and i'm honestly handling it well so far. getting everything done. not super stressed. working very very late but sleeping enough#while also taking care of a cat and a dog with no help every day#he's had literally zero work with my entire education and all the straight As (admittedly more cause i remember fast than due to hard work)#but by how he's talking you'd think i'm doing heroin under his roof every day and routinely setting our house on fire#*long sigh*#noodle rambles
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.
#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life#woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour#i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom#i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess#earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like#2 weeks straight#i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house#i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you#i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control#fucking sucks man#i hate ibs#in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school#while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick#but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then#but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off#and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh#this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person
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Missing people and regretting shit o'clock
#why did i even let it come this far. 7 fucking months and i didn't realize what was going wrong so i could have saved it#i want him back fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#was thinking of this notebook i filled for him with memories and poetry and quotes and general mushy things and goddamn#why am i crying i just looked at my desk and i don't have the heart to put everything in a box so i don't see it every day when i wake up#i know i can't change it and it's probably over for good now after i fucked some things up extra hard but fuck do i miss him#i wish i could have done something in time before even the thought of breaking up came up#just when i thought for once things are working out for me and it was really fucking good and happy until a week before it ended#guess i just can't be happy. i never could#i was really really willing to talk things out and fix whatever needs to be fixed while staying together#not go separate ways and maybe not so maybe definitely not possibly maybe see if we can try again in the future#which we (spoiler) apparently won't and i kinda came to terms with that but i still wish there was a possibility#or at least i would have liked to know from the beginning and not spend weeks hoping for a reunion and working towards that specifically#while i seem to be the only one with that goal#idk i just wish it had been more thought through and talked about properly so there wouldn't be the misunderstandings we deal with now#and like boundaries for the first two months or so after that but it takes two i guess#disclaimer i'm not bitter or mad at anyone just sad and nostalgic. if the person in question reads this i love you ok that won't change#deleting later but now i need to go back to sleep before i kill myself on a whim#mel talks#depressed bitch posting#i know i know i know i did some shit too that wasn't great and i'm not saying i'm innocent here i'm just so depressed about the situation#it's been seven goddamn weeks it never took me this long to get over anything before
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"We don't talk about Reina" rightfully bout to be the Tekken fandoms anthem 🫠
#✧･ﾟ:*𝐿𝑜𝑜𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝒞𝑜𝓂𝑒𝓉𝓈*:･ﾟ✧ - Random Thoughts#|| like.... the leak happened months ago#|| I have not seen one person happy about the idea of her since then#|| it's one thing to do the whole ''don't ask me for shit' thing for some stuff#|| but when it's something this genuinely majorly hated thus far by fans#|| you had months to scrap the character - you had months to say this can be a dlc character-#|| -so you can at least rework their story a little#|| I- ..mmphmhmh#|| every day I get closer to the edge that is ranting about how t.ekken treats it's fandom I swear
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I still have 5 hours left in my shift 😭😭😭
#I just….#really wanna go home today#not having a good day. I started my period this morning and then I got to work and found out only me and one other opener were there but our#opening manager wasn’t here yet so she was late and we spent the next 20 minutes rushing to get everything set up before we opened#and then we immediately started getting customers and it’s just been busy and I’m tired and just don’t feel good bc of my period#and then so far I’ve had 2 of my least favorite customers come through the drive thru where I’m working#one is this dude who’s just fucking annoying another is the guy that asked for my number a few months ago who I haven’t seen since I turned#him down so I took his order and then made someone else deal with him at the window#and then it got busy with everyone ordering drinks like hot coffees which meant I had to walk from our drive thru out to the lobby bc my#coffees were out bc everyone wants coffee today but when I would do that I would still have to be taking orders#and then someone cleared a few specialty coffees off the barista screen without making them while the person was sitting in the drive thru#so I had to make those while doing other stuff too and people were asking me questions#and I was just getting very overstimulated and annoyed plus I’m hungry#and I just want to leave and go home and sleep but it’s my best friend’s birthday so she’s probably gonna want to do something later but I#just don’t feel up to it and I know she’s probably ready to hang out because she’s been off for 10 days with Covid so she’s well rested now#for her birthday but 😭😭😭 I just want to crash into my bed so hard and not wake up until noon tomorrow#also the coworker I work with every day and don’t like is here today unfortunately#and also all of the speakers we use to play music in the back are dead right now and I just want to play music#first world problems but I have so little patience today
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July 23
#1. the weather this month was horrible. how is it raining this much in the middle of summer? so annoying#2. July was a month full of having mehmaan or going to visit other peoples houses. I’m a pretty social person and I usually love spending#spending time with family but this was a bit too much#I made my version of knafeh after quite some time (without a recipe really) and it turned out good 😃#3. flowers my mum regretted buying cause after paying she saw other ones she liked more and which were cheaper lol#4. these beads I used last year to make necklace. wore it only a few times so decided to change it and make it into a phone chain. also#got this cute sticker from work. cute right. my inner child is really happy with the amount of cute stickers I can just use#5. every year there’s this group of Muslim youth from another city. and they organise a carnival type a thing for the kids in their city#2 years ago I volunteered there and decided to do it again this year. it’s not in my own city but our masjid is in that city. took my mum#+ little brother with so he could play. my aunt also came with her kids and it was a really nice day. the whole thing was organised and run#by Muslims and was free for all. i had a good time helping out and was asked if I wanna join the committee (?). I declined#bc it’s a little too far for me to be present throughout the year. I will continue to help on the day of in sha Allah. anyway they did do#catering for the volunteers and it was from one of my favourite restaurants in that city. I kinda know the owner so when I saw him when I#joked if my favourite cheesecake would also be provided today. he said unfortunately not but he’ll bring some just for me so he did 🥺#6. made a little heart w my baby bros hair#monthly recap
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You guys want to know something?
My first post is almost a year old.
...I’m getting old./hj
#i mean old as in I'm starting to realize how much I've seen this fandom change#I also realize how I was part of an era that some that I've grown to know well have never been a part of#of course it wasn't mind blowing or anything#but it was still a good place to be#it was a small community that I was new to back in February#It was tightly knit and very compact#not only that but when I came into the mix they just accepted me without question#this fandom has morphed and changed so much and I'm glad I could be here for most of it#i love seeing new people arrive and creating what they love most out of Inscryption#no matter what it is#whether it's headcannons or art or fanfics or music it doesn't matter what#it makes them happy and they took inspiration from Inscryption or maybe some of us elder creators here on Tumblr#I know for a fact that I'm not the eldest one here far from it#but I'm certainly not new or young#more middle aged if you will#I've been here on the Inscryption Tumblr since February 9th of 2022 if not earlier than that#It has been ten whole months since then and I've loved being in this community every passing day#Of course I've had my ups and downs#But I've never left#And I hope it stays that way#oop me reminiscing#whoops#anyways#healer elowen#rant in tags
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had a dream about kissing a certain. gorgeous y3 man. and have been crying/pos over it all day (been awake for 1 hour) also y0 majima but thats not the point im finally getting my beautiful men in my dreams what caused this
i dont know but im en route to your position to steal your brain thats not FAIR
#snap chats#the only RGG dreams i have are of ryuji and aoki but i havent even had those in months#i dont even interact with aoki in my dreams like in one of them i was just in the airport with my dad and he was on the telly#and another i was at like. soem government dinner and he happened to be sitting diagonally from me but we didnt acknowledge each other#and my ryuji dreams like. i forget the first one but the second one i was looking for booze at the market#and then ryuji just approaches me and just asks to hang an shit so we bounce and i sit in his car right#utterly illegal it wasnt a pick up trucck or his motorcyle since he was wearing his tanktop and jeans but POINT IS#im envious. enraged even#i can draw and think of a character every day and every night and never dream about them#well. except aoki i guess😭#i feel like i had a really homosexual dream with daigo but i cant remember... i remember havin a gay ass hell dream once tho#i mean i do remember the pieces are coming back but i just dont know 100% if it was daigo- leaning more to it being daigo tho tbh#if you read this far no you didnt we never spoke of this
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