#happy birthday izuku (traumatizes you in all my fics)

[toshiyesri]

survivor’s guilt by another name

Author’s note: This fic takes place just before the students move into the dorms and ends with the fight between Deku and Bakugo in Deku vs. Kacchan, episode 23 of the third season. Just before the last scene, the bus ride is on the trip to the hero provisional licence exam. Italics are both narration and Bakugo speaking during various points in his childhood.

---

“Kacchan!” 

---

Deku woke up with a sudden start, his muscles hard and tense against the sweat slicked sheets. The loud thudding of his pulse in his ears obscured the sound of the All Might edition clock his mom had gotten him for his twelfth birthday. Tiny blue painted eyes stared at him from across the room. Outside, there was a rush of air and the soft calls of an owl, causing him to jerk again- this time into a sitting position on his bed. 

It was a dream. 

Roll over and go back to sleep, Izuku, he told himself. Don’t think about it. It’ll go away eventually. 

Or at least, that’s what he hoped. 

This wasn’t the first time it had happened. 

The blankets that had been on his bed when he’d gone to sleep earlier were scattered on the floor. There was even a tear in the sheets. Deku fingered the mark carefully. 

Quirks activating during the middle of the night weren’t unheard of but . . . 

Deku knew it was probably particularly dangerous if he started doing that. Not just for his stuff, but his body- he still wasn’t quite as far along as he would have liked. Saving Iida- he had pushed himself a little further along. But even with all the training he was doing, his body was too weak to handle the full extent of the quirk. 

“Make that borrowed quirk your own, Deku.”

Deku winced. He knew that. He did. It wasn’t like he could convince the self-critical voice in his mind- that suspiciously resembled a voice of reason- of that though. Not if he couldn’t even manage to convince Kacchan himself. When he was at his worst, instead of sounding like his own voice it would just replay faded snatches of memory instead. 

Like turning them over and over in his mind would do any good.

Kacchan’s voice echoed around his head extra loudly lately. He didn’t want to think the two events were connected, but it was getting harder and harder to avoid what would have been the natural and obvious conclusion. 

Shaking his head roughly he stumbled out of bed, pulling on slippers and combing a hand through his unruly hair. In the soft light coming through the window, his scars almost looked sliver. The raised skin hadn’t taken any pigment yet after the redness had truly faded pink. Another good reminder that recklessly activating his quirk- even asleep- was a bad idea. Rubbing his palm briskly over his arms to fight off the chill, he edged out of the room, tiptoeing carefully. 

Soft snores came from the direction of the other bedroom. His mom had enough to deal with already. She didn’t need him waking her up on top of it. 

Of course, almost immediately after he had that thought the floor creaked. Deku bit his lip, freezing in place. A breeze whispered into the house as the only sound for a short guilty second, but then the snores continued. 

Breathing a quick sigh of relief, he leaned against the wall for a second. 

That was a close one. 

That was so close! Did you see that Deku? I knew I could get it in the hoop. Deku! Deku! Why weren’t you paying attention? 

Remembering the fracture of disappointment that Kacchan hadn’t been able to hide in his voice when they were just kids wasn’t helping his guilt at all. If he was honest with himself, which he tried to be, it made him feel even worse. Being tormented by these memories was basically torture- but he just shook his head and kept walking in the hopes that his brain would get the idea and leave him alone already. 

Deku finally made it to the kitchen without any other incidents. 

The fridge light was blinding. A gush of air whooshed into him, soothing his heated skin. 

“Chocolate, choco- there,” he whispered to himself, plucking from the emergency chocolate supply. He knew his mom noticed when there was less in there, but she never said anything. Deku sniffed, mouth wobbling as he fought back against the stinging sensation in his eyes. I’m too old to go wake up my mom because of a dream. I’m too old. Too old, damn it! 

It didn’t even sound all that convincing to himself. 

The chocolate tasted like tears but it’d have to do. 

---

Deku collapsed into his seat. He knew his exhaustion was plain on his face, but he couldn’t help it. 

It was their first day back at U.A. but he couldn’t even enjoy it, not after sleeping for just three hours. 

“Jeez, Deku, what’s gotten into you?” 

“Morning Uraraka,” Deku said, trying to be somewhat normal at least. It wouldn’t do to have her worrying about him so much. She was looking at him with deep concern, eyebrows furrowed together with tight suspicion. 

“Did Bakugo say something nasty to you again?” she asked, sitting in a random chair and leaning closer to look at him properly. 

Oh no! She figured it out-

Calm down! 

“W-why would you say that?”

Damn it. Deku winced at the sound of his own voice. He was probably bright red, too. 

That wasn’t calm at all! 

“I’m just kidding! Wow Deku, you’re really out of it. I thought Bakugo hasn’t said anything mean in-”

“What are you talking about me for? Get out of my seat.”

Kacchan!

“Kacchan!”

“Morning Bakugo!” Uraraka said cheerfully, taking her time getting up. Her and Bakugo weren’t quite enemies and they had a lot of competitive respect for each other’s skill . . . but they weren’t quite friendly either. Deku stared at them both anxiously, sweating bullets and trying his hardest not to show it. Forget me, if we just get back to U.A. and they start fighting already, I don’t know-

But in the time it took him to even consider the possibilities, Uraraka had already sat down. 

Heartbeat settling into a calmer pace, Deku let out a small sigh of relief. One he hoped that no one heard. Actually, now that he thought about it, Kacchan didn’t look so good either. What was his problem? Even though he usually was pretty rumpled looking, it was worse than usual somehow. And his hands looked ready to break the writing utensil in his hand into a thousand pieces, tendons straining against his skin. 

All through class, Deku tried to focus, but it wasn’t like he didn’t always stare at the back of Bakugo’s head anyway. It wasn’t like there was much else to do besides taking notes. 

And as much as he liked U.A.’s mission to produce well rounded students, English just wasn’t his thing- or rather, he liked it just fine. But it wasn’t as interesting as Mr. Aizawa’s lectures on pro hero work, or improving their quirks. Deku scrubbed his eyes and renewed his focus. 

I knew things would be tough! Not every part of U.A. is going to be as exciting and as challenging. I can-

“Would’ya quit the muttering, Deku?”

Whoops. 

You sure do that a lot! I don’t understand what you’re saying, it’s too fast. Speak slower will you?

Deku shook his head to clear it. 

“Yeah, sorry.”

---

“Hey.”

“Todoroki!” Deku sat up too quickly and almost tipped over his chair. The look on his face was troubled, like it was during most of the serious conversations that they had. “Is something wrong?” he asked. 

Todoroki motioned for him to walk home- er, back to the dorms with him. 

“I’m not sure. Bakugo’s acting weird.”

You were actually really weird yesterday . . . so I brought you this. Don’t take it if you’re just going to think it’s dumb!

Bakugo had been his partner earlier this afternoon for some assignments. 

“I-”

“Talking about me again, Deku? Cut it out,” Kacchan said, suddenly coming up from behind them, with the words as his only warning as the gate came up. He made a point of slamming between Todoroki and Deku where there was barely any space, throwing Todorki off kilter. But that also left his other shoulder barely brushing up against Deku’s own. It wasn’t the hard impact he was expecting, more like a cat rubbing up against him. Todoroki raised his eyebrows in question once he was gone. The sunlight dappled his cheeks through the trees. 

“Yeah, I noticed too,” Deku sighed. “He’s been like that all morning. Do you know why?”

“I was hoping you knew.”

“Not really, sorry.”

Todoroki shrugged, inspecting Deku critically. “Ochako said you weren’t doing great either.”

“I just haven’t been sleeping much.”

“Haven’t we all?” Todoroki said, shaking his head. 

That reminded Deku of the fact that they’d all gone through some pretty traumatic things lately. Todoroki had been with them through the gas attack, the rescue, and even Iida if he went that far back . . . it made him feel even worse for his private crisis. 

I should be focused on any of those things. 

But he wasn’t. 

Deku nodded anyway. 

“But if you need something from us, you can always ask. I’m going to study in my dorm, but if you wanted to talk in private . . .”

His voice trailed off in question. Deku shook his head quickly. “This is nothing some sleep can’t solve!”

---

Why did I say that? I must have jinxed myself!

The clock read 3:00 A.M. 

Deku had done all his homework . . . for the next week and a half. 

Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day. 

---

Deku glared at his food. It was really good. He should be really happy he got to eat it right then. 

But all he wanted to do was sleep. 

He must look as tired as Mr. Aizawa by now. 

The chair in front of him jerked out with a startling screech. Deku was so tried he only took note of the noise, but he didn’t react to it. Instead, he kept glaring at his pudding. 

“What the fuck is your problem, Deku? Even those friends of yours that hang around you like flies are worried about you.”

Flying quirks aren’t the only cool quirks! Right, Deku?

Iida had tried to extol the virtues of a nine hour rest during adolescence to him earlier. Deku was surprised Kacchan had noticed, much less cared. Much less come to him directly to talk to Deku himself. Glaring at his pudding, he decided he didn’t want to be having this conversation. It was the most his tired brain could do. 

“What’s your problem?” he shot back.

Kacchan didn’t even pause, his face calmly focused on Deku. Analyzing. The afternoon glow from outside caught his pale eyelashes in a way that would be incredibly flattering- like All Might’s signature smile- if it weren’t for Deku’s current state of mind. 

“I asked first.”

Me first, Deku! I helped you up remember? 

“I don’t have-”

“Spit it out, Deku, I don’t have all day.”

And then we can play out here, alllll day! What do you mean, you have to go home? What kind of doctor’s appointment? 

Are you sick? 

“Maybe I don’t-”

“Deku,” Kacchan said, in an angry voice. But he didn’t seem angry. His eyes were still fixed calmly ahead, red irises never wavering. 

“Ugh!” Deku finally cracked, head falling down to the table and narrowly pissing the pudding cup. The impact made a hollow thunk that reverberated his entire skull. “I’m tired! There! Are you- what are you doing?” Deku squinted at the cold surface of the can that bonked him in the head. He took it automatically, not understanding why Kacchan was giving it to him. 

“Because, you dumb ass, people drink coffee when they’re tired.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and maybe it was. It was hard to tell with all the fuzz in his brain from the lack of sleep. 

“Now stop freaking out our classmates, they keep asking me if I know what’s going on. Oh, and, get some sleep before you do something stupid.”

“Thanks?” he said. What had just happened?

Deku stared at the can a lot longer than after Kacchan’s footsteps had faded. 

The coffee tasted as bitter as his mood had been, and it did help. The rest of the day went by without him fighting every blink, and when he finally got to his bed, he fell into a blissful sleep for a whole twelve hours. 

The next morning, he was so happy that he completely forgot that he still didn’t know what was bothering Kacchan. 

And he didn’t get the opportunity to, because Kacchan was back to his seeming usual self a few days afterwards. 

---

“Leave the guy be Mina! He’s probably tired,” Kirishima’s rough but urgent whisper was the only one speaking on the bus, which was full of sleeping students. Deku squinted in the low morning light, sitting upright and almost jostling Iida- who he’d been using as a pillow. Wincing as he rolled the kinks out of his neck, he scanned the other students for the disturbance. 

Mina was hanging over her seat, one foot in the air as she tried to balance and use her phone to capture a photo of Kacchan’s face nestled against Kirishima’s shoulder. 

The sound of the camera going off was so loud it was practically a Detroit Smash to the quiet. 

Mina froze comically. 

Even Kirishima looked horrified, irate eyebrows shooting up as if to say, “See?”

The commotion even caused Aizawa to wake up himself. “Mina-”

“Delete that or I’ll kill you,” Kacchan said, voice guttural and rough with sleep. 

It was a bare moment of perfect silence before absolute chaos erupted. 

Ducking down into his seat, Deku narrowly avoided Momo’s arm as she stretched into wakefullness. Iida snapped to attention like Kacchan had set off some mysterious class rep instinct that something was going wrong. And the bus slowly filled with sounds of first talking, then shouting, gradually building in volume until finally- 

“Class 1-A!”

Deku let out a breath. 

“There will be no exiting our seats. That includes you Mina. And there will be no throwing other students. And stop shouting.”

Those were his last words before he zipped his sleeping bag shut once more. 

Iida was practically twitching. 

“I was having a nice nap, too!” Momo said mournfully. “How am I going to pass the time now?”

“But it’s cuuuute! No, don’t! Bakugo,” Mina’s harsh whisper signaled that the photo had been deleted. “Just kidding!” she declared brightly, “I backed it up to the cloud.”

“Mina, you idiot-” Kacchan said and sighed, cutting off his own whisper. 

“Actually, I thought that was pretty clever,” Kirishima said.

Deku coughed to cover his laugh. 

“What was that Midoriya?” Iida asked. 

“N-nothing! Nothing. Just something in my throat.”

Momo eyed him suspiciously, so he made a point of clearing his throat. 

---

When they got there, Deku decided to thank him for the other day. It seemed important, somehow. 

Kacchan noticed him hanging back behind him almost immediately, and signaled at Kirishima to go ahead without him with a hard jerk of his chin. 

“What do you want Deku?”

. . . Deku wasn’t sure how much his thanks would be appreciated, though. Running a hand over the back of his neck to calm his nerves, he figured he’d just have to hope for the best. 

“I just, uh, wanted to thank you for the other day-”

“You’re welcome, now screw off. Don’t keep All Might waiting.”

Was it just him, or did Kacchan say that last part differently than usual? 

Deku was about to ask- but Kacchan was already long gone, his figure swallowed up in the crowd of students. The only thing visible was his head and his broad shoulders stretching the fabric of his uniform. 

---

Awhile later, while his face was being pressed firmly into the training ground’s hyper-realistic city black top by Kacchan’s shoe-

Well, Deku wondered if he should have seen this coming a long time ago. 

And that was true, he must have been a really bad friend.