#half because aesthetics + dysphoria and half bc they're just inconvenient
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thinking more about being trans
#because i want the voice drop of testosterone because training my voice has not been enough for me. i want some of the body shifts with it#and i want top surgery at some point#half because aesthetics + dysphoria and half bc they're just inconvenient#but i dont want to be a “man”#i dont want the capacity to grow a beard or a bunch of hair and have to shave all the time to keep up my looks the way i want#i dont want to “pass” the way some people do#i dont want bottom surgery for sure and i don't have any desire to have a dick or anything. ideally i would be like a doll with no features#i certainly have no plans to stop dressing feminine#i like being my androgynous twink self#and theres certainly a lot of aspects of femininity i do enjoy#jewelry makeup skirts certain aestheitcs long hair etc#i just want to be able to wear those things in a way that i am no longer a woman but a feminine man instead#i want to be one of those weird 80s twinks who would steal your boyfriend while wearing your dress and looking better in it#or like half the men you see in regency shows with the long hair/fine features/gentle manner etc#idk. i dont want to be a man. i genuinely feel like im putting on the wrong skin saying im a transman#genderqueer/agender is the closest i think ill ever find#but god i just wish id been born a man and then had the freedom to explore looking like a girl#little fucked up freak femboy stuck in some body that doesn't feel like its mine#maybe going on t will help me feel comfortable with growing out my hair again tho#idk. spitballing#it doesnt even matter that much rn. i have to delay my t appointment because of other medical shit#but man are there a lot of thoughts up here that will never in any way make sense to most people or be accepted by greater society
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