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neoculturetravesty · 4 years ago

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We met in online class - Last Part

Image adapted from here.

Pairing: Renjun x Reader Genre: College AU, romance, angst, fluff Warnings: Strong language Word Count: 3.4k

A/N: And so it comes to an end, and let me tell you guys, I am not okay 😔 This is going to be a bit of a longer A/N, so please bear with me. If you’d like to get straight to the story, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND, so feel free to click Keep Reading!

Lowkey, I had a bit of a meltdown as I typed the final words on this fic because I hadn’t realized how attached I had grown to the characters. This is the first time I wrote three different chapter openers before deciding on one, because I simply couldn’t believe it was goodbye after this.

These mofos had constantly been on my mind for the past two months and a half. I would spend most days thinking about where to take them and then bringing them to life at night, after my entire day was over. When I wasn’t writing, I’d make little notes about thoughts I had into the night about them so that I wouldn’t forget them when morning comes.

This was my first ever (and as of right now, my only) chaptered fic. I had no idea parting with it would be as emotional as it was. When I think back to when I first received the prompt for this, I had never even imagined I could write Renjun, let alone a series. But there was something in the prompt that had gotten my wheels turning. And I am so immensely glad that it did. There were days when I thought “Oh man, what have I gotten myself into.” Some days, the story would just flow. Other days, I’d keep staring at the blinking cursor not knowing what to type. But when I did, I found my emotions so deeply connected with the characters. I was happy when they were happy. I was sad when they were sad. So, parting with them is very hard to say the least.

But through this journey, I got to experience the joy of reading all of your reviews and comments and honestly, it made it all worth it. THANK YOU to every single one of you that read this story and waited on it and laughed and cried with it. You have made my life better in more ways than you can imagine.

In this moment, I want to thank 🍙 anon, because it was their prompt that put me in this mess in the first place. And so, it is only fitting that I dedicate the final part to them 💛

“Oh, we definitely need a picture together. How about here? I think this place would fit everyone.” Kim Doyoung looks about, finding a spot best suited for the photo he wanted.

“I think right there on the platform would be better. We could get everyone in two tiers.” his assistant suggests.

“You’re a genius. Let’s gather everyone. It’s not often that so many NCTU grads and students come to Midnight Arthouse,” Doyoung nods.

“How many of us are here, anyway?” Renjun muses. The assistant looks at her iPad, checking once again.

“I think there’s 23 of you. So, let’s definitely go for the platform.” she nods.

“Okay, then.” Doyoung claps his hands together once, “Gather everyone,” he says to no one in particular and walks ahead with purpose. Renjun and the assistant’s eyes meet and they smirk. Of course this was directed to the both of them. So, they set about to work.

As it would turn out, gathering 23 people from a charity event with art and food and drinks would be a bit of a task. But somehow, they manage to gather all alumni and current students on the platform in three tiers instead of two for a somewhat chaotic picture. There must’ve been something in the water at NCTU because none of it’s students could stand still for very long. They get maybe one decent picture and several in which someone or the other was moving or pulling a face.

His friends aside, looking around at the group, Renjun realized that he recognized nearly all of them. Yangyang and Hendery and the rest of their frat were here. As were the 127s, old and new. Renjun recognized them all, except maybe two boys, who didn’t seem to know a lot of the others either. When the pictures were done and the main events were over and the crowd had started to dissipate, Renjun finally walked over to the artwork to observe it up close.

Honestly speaking, watching the work with his own two eyes left no doubt in his mind that this artist deserved to be spotlighted like this. This work was in a league of its own. Watching it makes Renjun smile; because looking at it makes him think back to a few months ago when he was sitting in Kim Doyoung’s office, thinking of himself as some sort of a big shot. But the truth is, there was no way he had that caliber then, and there is no way he has that caliber now, though he was sure as hell working on it.

“This is the piece I lost the bid on.” Renjun hears a voice and he turns around to see Zhong Chenle’s father observing the art with him. Renjun bows politely and smiles under his mask,

“I mean, this is a remarkable piece. You have good taste.” Renjun acknowledges.

“What about you? Why isn’t any of your artwork displayed here?” he asks and for a while, Renjun smiles a bit nostalgically. He could’ve been here, had he made something for the Annuale. Had he just selfishly taken that shot. Then again, there would’ve been no real guarantees. Because Kim Doyoung was pretty particular in the people he chose, whether they were recommended by his family or not. Working with him closely in the last couple of months had taught Renjun that. It had also taught him how underdeveloped his skill was in the real world context.

“I guess I still have a long way to go.” Renjun replies humbly.

“Don’t we all?” Chenle’s father nods, “Are you working here at this establishment?”

“Um, I… I suppose I am. I am Kim Doyoung’s apprentice. He is my mentor.” Renjun nods.

“So I might see your work here soon enough, eh?” Renjun assumes the kind man is smiling under his mask because his eyes seem to be making the same shape as Chenle’s do when he smiles. So Renjun grins back.

“I mean… if I work really hard, I might get to shoot my shot in the next Midnight Arthouse Annuale.” Renjun fantasizes.

“Or maybe you’d get lucky like this young artist,” he points his chin towards the artwork.

Renjun smiles, “I would credit her luck, too if I hadn’t seen her work. But her talent is… it kinda speaks for itself.”

“Oh, no, you should definitely credit her luck. Talent isn’t enough. The stars have to align. Luck, talent, the right place, the right time. It all has to come together.” he says nodding.

Renjun considers his words. They seem to be coming from the wisdom of experience.

What if Renjun hadn’t received the phone call about his grandma back then? Well, then he probably would’ve made something lackluster and gotten rejected. Working with Kim Doyoung has taught him as much. It didn’t matter who had put a word in for him. At the end of the day, his work had to be outclass.

What if he had received the phone call and then still had enough time to submit something for the Annuale? Then he still probably wouldn’t have because… well, because of you.

What if he had gone ahead, regardless of you or his grandma and just made something and submitted it? Then he still would’ve been rejected. Because the truth of the matter is, he just didn’t have the caliber that artists associated with Midnight Arthouse did.

In that sense, Renjun supposes everything was in fact happening at the right place and right time now. Doyoung was mentoring him and he was getting better by the day. The stars were aligning for him. He knew it in his heart.

“Then I would wish that it all comes together for me, too.” Renjun says.

“When it does, young man, I’ll be the first one to bid on your work.” he says and Renjun doesn’t even have the time to react when he feels a presence breeze in his direction and invade his personal space.

Renjun doesn’t even have to look up to know who it is. He can tell by the way this body fits perfectly into his side. He can tell by how naturally his own body responds and just puts his arm around it’s waist.

“Oh man, I missed all of it, didn’t I?” you lament, as you loop your arms around his neck from the side instead of a hello.

“Not all of it. The guys just left but your brother and his friends are still here. Besides, you had work.” Renjun turns his head and looks into your eyes to reassure you. “Y/N, this is Chenle’s father.”

“Oh, hello!” you say cheerfully and respectfully bow and give you greetings. “It is so nice to meet you. Chenle looks just like you!”

“Yes, I’ve been told I’m a more handsome version of him,” he smiles then turns to Renjun, “And who might this young lady be?”

“This is my girlfriend, Y/N. She goes to NCTU with us.” Renjun introduces you and you bow again. Oh, the thrill he got every time he got to introduce you as his girlfriend. Fuck, he’s pretty sure he’d never tire of it, even if it had just been a few months. The serotonin boost in his veins is strong and he gets the urge to squeeze you and hold you forever.

“Oh, that’s very nice. Come have a meal with us before we have to catch a plane back home, okay?” Chenle’s father invites the two of you.

“Oh, I would love to!” you say in your chipper tone before your eyes start darting around “I’m going to have to excuse myself for a little bit, I just wanna say hi to my brother.” you say and you politely bow before you start moving away.

“Babe, hang on…” Renjun says, holding you back by your hand. He brings his fingers delicately to the bridge of your nose and softly pinches down the mask over it so it sits more snugly on you. “There, it’s much safer now.” Renjun nods and watches the affectionate smile your eyes give before you move away. You looked so pretty today, even if you were just coming back from a four-hour internship. You were easily the most beautiful girl in this room, though Renjun suspected that you’d be the most beautiful girl in any room you entered.

Albeit sometimes, Renjun had to wonder if your talent or your beauty was greater. Because you had become the only junior in NCTU to land an internship at the SMK Trainee Drive. And now that you were a senior, you were somehow managing to keep your grades up alongside it.

Renjun, on the other hand, would find himself struggling with balancing his apprenticeship with his school work. So he knew firsthand how your discipline was something else altogether. Recently though, he had experienced a rise in his grades because you had been taking him on so many study dates that your organizational skills and motivation had started to rub off on him.

Renjun walks around the studio and the party and feels like it’s been too long till you’re finally back by his side.

“Love in the Time of Corona,” you read the title of an art piece displayed in front of you. “That was supposed to be our thing.”

Renjun laughs and has no qualms in looping his arms around your waist and finally pulling you into himself.

“I guess we should’ve realized then how un-novel the idea would become in a few months.” he comments.

“Un-novel is not a word, Huang Renjun.” you narrow your eyes at him.

Renjun laughs. “It is now,” he says and lets out a long exhale, “I missed you today.” he complains, though he looks down at you with warmth.

“Well, you’ve got me now. And you have me for the entire weekend.” you reassure him, your palms on his chest.

“Mhmm.” Renjun smiles and he wants to lean in to kiss you. But Kim Doyoung specifically had people assigned to walk around and make sure that everyone had their masks on when inside. “Also, we already have a thing.” he reminds you and winks.

You laugh, and say “I guess we do,” then let out a happy sigh as your eyes avert from his for a moment, taking in your surroundings. “Our Couple Thing should give you some ideas on what you can make when your work is displayed here in the 2022 Annuale. I won’t be late to that, I promise. I’ll take a day off from everything else in my life.”

Renjun's heart grows warmer still, and he’s sure his eyes reflect what he feels, “How can you be so sure my work will be displayed in the 2022 Annuale?”

“I don’t know, Huang Renjun. I just have a feeling about you.” you say and Renjun can see you smile even if your lips are covered by a mask. Your eyes always smiled before your mouth did, anyway.

“Y/N L/N, I have a feeling about you, too.” he retorts.

“And what feeling would that be?” you raise an eyebrow.

“It’s a secret.” he says, but now he sees your pout, even if he can’t see your mouth because your cheeks have puffed up over the mask. It makes him laugh.

“You’re no fun.” you protest.

“I’ll tell you once we get out of here.” Renjun offers.

“Well, I’m ready to leave.” you jut your chin up. Renjun grins and offers you his arm. You grab it with your entire body and the two of you start walking out together.

You had plans for the weekend, after all. And Renjun was determined to keep you all to himself for once, with no one else demanding your time. Not your internship, not your assignments, not any of your friends, and especially not Lee fucking Donghyuck. He was finally going to take you away where it could just be you and him and nobody else.

This moment felt way too surreal to Renjun.

The campfire had simmered down from a glorious roar to a comfortable burn, giving off just enough heat in the cool of an early winter evening. The sky was in it’s fading moments, where the pink of the light was slowly turning to violets and the violets were slowly merging into darks.

Renjun remembered suggesting to you all that time ago that maybe you could go somewhere together. But now that he was here, he hadn’t imagined that the moment would feel as surreal as it did.

Because now the two of you are sitting in front of your tent by the fire, entwined in one another. You’re sitting between his legs, arms around his neck, nuzzling your cheek inside his padded jacket while he supports your head on his arm and kisses you.

He’s holding you in his arms and kissing you and everything seems so perfect that for a moment, he has to pull away to watch your face and wonder if all of this was real. And though there is a gentle smile on your face, you’re not opening your eyes much. Because you know full well that Renjun’s lips would be back on yours in no time. So you play with his hair as they fall to his forehead and when he kisses you again, you press up into him so he would wrap his arms around you and hold you tighter. He does and he rubs his hands up and down your back and attempts to close his jacket around you.

“Are you cold?” he asks lovingly. You shake your head.

“No. I just want to crawl inside you.” you say, like it’s the most logical thing to be said.

“Creepy.” Renjun remarks but holds you closer still.

“You should be happy you haven’t seen my collection of your hair clippings.” you quip as you nip into the skin of his neck.

“Oh, sweet. That rivals all your used tissues I’ve kept in my shrine at home.”

“Aww, you shouldn’t have.” you coo at him and then lean up to kiss him some more and he laughs. But soon, he pushes the arm that you were using like a pillow up so your face would be closer to his and he could kiss you as deeply as he was truly craving.

The two of you keep kissing like that till the sky is dark. It was an odd sort of trance, being so lost in one another that neither of you cared about what time it was or how long you had been sitting here, wrapped up in one another. Your phones were zipped away in your bags and you hadn’t checked them even once since you had parked your camping van and set up your tent. It was a slow, peaceful sort of bliss, just sitting by the fire and kissing and kissing with nothing else on your minds but being here like this with one another.

“Renjun?” you say, your voice sounding like it was returning from a deep thought.

“Hmm?” Renjun asks as he combs your hair away from your pretty face.

“You know, I learnt today that a cactus can live anywhere between 10 and 200 years.” you tell him, idly tracing the birthmark on the back of his hand.

Renjun leans in and presses long into your lips. “Yeah?” he replies and watches your face. It seemed hazily focused, like it was trying to catch onto a faraway thought.

“I also learnt that it can take up to 30 years for a cactus to bear flowers.” you say in an introspective, wistful tone.

Renjun looks away to hide his smile. Oh God, you were so cute. “Yeah?” he says again, but it’s getting more and more difficult to keep a serious face.

“Sometimes, a cactus doesn’t flower at all.” you say and then you turn your head to look at him like you’ve resurfaced from your thoughts and are now in the moment. Renjun’s grin grows wider. “Renjunnn…” you whine and so he has no choice but to tenderly hold your cheeks in his palms and stroke your hair.

“What?” he chuckles.

“You said you’d think you’re worthy of my forgiveness when the cactus bears flowers.” you whine again and Renjun has to plant a loving kiss to your forehead.

“Is that what I said?” he chuckles some more and then leans in to kiss the anxious realization away from your lips.

“Renjun.” you pout and Renjun laughs and takes his beautiful, whiny, kindhearted girlfriend in his arms and hopes that his hold could chase away all the worries from her pretty, brilliant mind.

He kisses you because his heart can’t bear it any longer. How did he manage to hold a heart like yours in his hand?

Renjun feels an indescribable amount of happiness. Like he wasn’t sure that you were really here with him, in his arms, all for him to hold, with no worry or burden afflicting him. The happiness is so immense and so incredible and so heavy that for a moment, he feels it suffocating him. He wonders if he deserved this kind of happiness.

But right in the next moment, he stops himself. He knew how easy it was to relapse into those tempting, lonesome thoughts. But if there was anything that therapy was teaching him, it was that of course he deserved happiness.

Though right now, holding you in his arms, this happiness was choking him. He felt like his heart was swelling and pressing against his lungs and his chest couldn’t bear it and he could no longer breathe.

“Y/N…” he exhales, holding you back so he can look at your face and you could look up into his. He pauses to gather another breath. Then, he just says it. “I love you.”

And doing so does the trick. He feels his chest slowly getting lighter, because this is what it had been bursting with. Now, he’s told you. Now, it can be unburdened.

You look up at him and there is nothing but a sparkle in your eye, and tenderness in your smile. For a while, you say nothing, just looking upon his eyes like that. “Thank you.” you finally whisper back at him.

Renjun pauses for a moment. But then, he relaxes. This was okay. You didn’t have to say it back right away. Renjun was ready to give you as much time as you needed. So he presses his lips into your forehead once again till he feels you laughing against him. He pulls back in confusion and you grab at the lapel of his parka.

“Huang Renjun…” you say and he looks back at you with uncertainty, “... I love you, too.”

And Renjun can’t help it if he kisses you too hard. He can’t help it that he’s squeezing you too tight. He wouldn’t care if the night brightens back into morning and the morning fades back into night. He was going to hold you just like this for the rest of his life.

So he lays you down and kisses you deeper, like he wanted to make up for all the time he had lost. All the time in his life when he hadn’t known you. All the time he had known you and didn’t let himself have you. He was going to make up for it all. And as he zips the tent up and shields you from the rest of the world, he wonders if he could spend all of his days just like this. Holding you and loving you and knowing that you loved him back; and if he could, today was a damn good day to start.

The fire slows to a simmer till all that’s left are embers that keep being carried away by the breeze. But the two of you remain inside, in your own world, happy that you had found one another, happy that you could finally have one another. Happy that you could hold one another and say that you loved each other and have nothing in the world hold you back, not now, not ever.

You were Y/N and Renjun, Renjun and Y/N, two names that were forever intertwined because that’s how people would call you now. You were the couple that belonged so perfectly with one another that people would wonder if you’d been together for years. And any time someone with a burning curiosity would come up to you and ask,

“So, where did you guys meet?” you would just look at one another, smile and say, “Well, we met in online class.”

~THE END

#renjun fic #renjun fluff #renjun angst #ficscafe #kpopscape #neowritingsnet #dreamwritersnet #huang renjun #renjun #nct fic #nct dream #nct #nct dream fic #nct fluff #nct angst #nct college au #renjun x reader #we met in online class

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guiltydumpling · 4 years ago

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The Guard: Chapter 5

[KUVIRA X READER ROYAL AU]

Summary: “I called you all here to announce that we have a guest arriving sometime later today. Princess Y/N of the Kingdom of Elysian” The people in the throne room looked at one another confusingly. “Their palace was under sieged and the king had to send the princess away to keep her safe from any assassination attempts. Their kingdom has done a lot for us and has proven to be great allies for generations. She’s come a long way and has been traveling for a week, I expect nothing less than for all of you to treat her as you do a member of the royal family and to attend to everything and anything, she might ask for… This poor child has already been through too much.” There was silence in the throne room for a while, as they let the information sink in. “Dismissed.”

A/N: Hi beautiful beings <3 Holy crap i’m back and I know it took me like a thousand years to update and I really have no excuse for that but I’ve been receiving messages and question about whether or not I will continue this story and guess what... YES I WILL! there’s only about 2 chapters left after this and an epilogue so watch out for that and thank you so much for the support! This is my first ever fic so I never expected to get this much love from the readers! anyway... Enjoy ;)

Word Count: 4.7k

~ ~ ~

He’s dead… your father is dead. They told you he was poisoned by the wine that was served during the peace negotiation meeting, that the poison didn’t take effect until he was brought into his chambers for the night and his mouth started to foam, blood coming out of his nose and ears, before he collapsed on the floor and that his body wasn’t discovered until the next morning when his servants would usually get him ready for the day. You were saddened by your father’s death but mostly angered.

You were sat on the training grounds on the bench where you first opened up to Kuvira about your kingdom’s situation. You felt your eyes burn from all the tears you have shed for not only your father but your home. You stared at the stars that lit up the dark sky and all you could think about in this moment was your sister. How different things would be if she were still here you thought.

A few moments later and you did not move from your position when you hear someone walking towards you. You didn’t have to turn around to see who it was because you already knew who would be stupid enough or brave enough or both, to follow you when you clearly wanted to be alone.

“I’m sorry about your father” Kuvira spoke a few feet from where you were sitting.

“Why are you sorry? You weren’t the one that killed him” you said coldly. All manners and sensitivity abandoned.

She didn’t speak for a while and you turned your head to finally meet her eyes. They were sad and full of worry for you and somehow you felt a pang of guilt, she just wanted to be there for you. “Sit with me?” you ask her in a softer tone, and she does. You grab her hand to intertwine your fingers with her and you place it on your lap turning your attention back to the stars as you both sat there quietly.

Kuvira loved to banter and tease, it was basically her form of endearment not only towards you but to everyone around her that she cared about. Despite that, she knows exactly when you just needed silence and her presence alone. This was one of those times and you were so thankful for that.

“I guess I’m a queen now” you say as a matter of fact and she hums in response.

“I would be lying if I said that I never wanted to be queen. I’ve thought about it once or twice when I was a stupid child, but I would always push the thought back when I would come to the realization of what exactly being queen would cost me.” And you were right. It cost you everything. Your sister, your father, your home, your happiness, your freedom, everything.

“Have I ever told you about my sister?” you asked her, not tearing your eyes away from the sky.

“No. But I know you two were close” She says

“We were.” You gently smiled at the memory of you and your sister running around court, hiding from your guards because all you wanted to do was play in the garden all day. You two were inseparable.

“My father would often joke about how we were practically joint at the hip.” You continue and you see Kuvira smile gently from your peripheral.

“We were both opposites in everything. From our duties, to our skills, even to our aspirations. You see, my sister loved being a firebender. You should have seen her when she first discovered her gift, she nearly burned down the garden.” You say with a slight laugh.

“Our father had her trained by the best masters in our kingdom and she became a master herself. She was stubborn as well, that’s what made her a great fighter. She was outspoken and rowdy and very much like my father when he was in his youth. Or at least that’s what our servants would tell me. I on the other hand took from my mother, I was quiet and timid, I devoured book after book, practiced the discipline of art and music, and I wanted pretty much nothing but to be able to see the world and its beauty and culture. That was my destiny. To share my gift of knowledge to the people around me, and hopefully contribute to it. However, my sister, was destined to stay in Elysian and be responsible for our family’s line and heritage. But she had other plans in mind. She wanted to become a soldier, she wanted to fight, and that meant having to renounce the family name and her title in order to do so, and you can only imagine how furious father was when she told him. They got into a huge fight after that conversation and they barely talked afterwards. That’s when their relationship started to wither. She would often escape at night to go to town and observe civilians living their life according to their will, she told me it was fascinating, and she was jealous of them all, then she met this man. He was just a farmer’s son and he didn’t know the real identity of my sister, so he pursued her, and they fell in love. But one of the roaming soldiers caught them half undressed in one of the stables behind the man’s home and they dragged the man away for violating her highness.” You paused for a while, remember the poor man’s face, he was so terrified and clueless at the time. Dragged in chains, when all he was doing was spending the night with the woman he loved and thought he knew.

“They sentenced him to be exiled and had his family’s land stripped from them as payment for dishonoring royal blood with peasant hands. I heard his father was killed in an alley by angry citizens because of the deeds of his own son, and that his mother died from a disease that could not be treated because they no longer had the means to pay for medication, leaving his little sister to sell herself to desperate low-life men just to be able to fill her stomach. My sister had every right to be furious. She was put under supervision the entire day and had the guards stationed in her chambers doubled at night. Chantou ordered the exile sentence of the man and told my father that he should find my sister a husband soon so that this kind of thing does not happen again. And that’s what my father did. He wrote a proposal to one of our allies and they agreed that marrying their offspring would make a better knot than any treaty would.” You shake your head in disapproval of the memories and let out a sigh of pity for your sister.

“Months passed and her marriage was nearing. She barely left her room so I only saw her once a week at best, and whenever she would have conversations with my father it would end in a screaming match or at least one of them storming out of the room. My father believed that what he was doing was for the best, or at least that’s what he told himself when Chantou was basically gaslighting my father into forcing my sister into submission… The night before her wedding, she didn’t leave her room the entire day. It was late at night when I heard a crash in her room since I was only across the hall from her. When I tried to check on her myself, she was being held down by two of the guards and she was thrashing around, blood on her feet and knuckles while her handmaiden tried to calm her down. She was having a meltdown basically. When she saw me enter the room, she settled down quite bit and just started crying hysterically while her handmaiden looked at me with pleading eyes not knowing what to do anymore. The room was a mess, there were shards of glass on the floor and flipped furniture but all I could think about was how I barely recognized her. She was much thinner, her eyes were circled dark, and her hair was all over her face. I felt so bad for her.” You say feeling your chest tighten.

“I told the guards to let her go and that I would take care of her which immediately got her to finally settle down and I had her handmaiden and guards leave us alone so I could personally attend to her. Which I did. None of us spoke as I cleaned her up and put her in bed before I attempted to clean up the mess, she made in her room. I didn’t want to leave her just in case she woke up and had an episode again, so I decided to sleep on the couch of her room. A few moments later I was woken up by a cold breeze and when I opened my eyes, I saw the balcony window wide open and I immediately searched for my sister on her bed, but she wasn’t there anymore.” You feel the tears start to brim in your eyes, but you held it down not wanting to cry anymore.

“I immediately got up and went straight to the balcony and that was when I saw her… just standing still on the railings, wind blowing her nightgown and unkempt hair. I didn’t know what to do and I… I was frozen in place. But I called her, and she looked back at me with tears in her emotionless eyes as she told me she loved me. I told her I loved her back and that I would always be there for her… I was begging her to come down from the railing, but she just stared at me…then she asked me if I really loved her, which of course I said yes to, and then she smiled, for the first time since the day of her lover’s exile she smiled… the only reply she gave me was “good. Then take care of everything for me okay?” those were her last words and she just… jumped. And I don’t remember much but I think I was screaming? Or maybe I was trying to, but nothing seemed to come out. But I passed out on the balcony and woke up in my room with my father sitting on the foot of my bed only to tell me that my sister committed suicide.” You finish, and you swallow the lump in your throat as you held Kuvira’s hand tighter.

“Is that why your sister’s death took such a big toll on your father? Perhaps he felt like it was his fault?” She asked carefully and you nod your head to confirm.

As much as Kuvira felt bad for your sister she couldn’t help but feel her blood boil. How could your sister do that to you? Leave all the mess she created to you? Even the audacity to take her life in front of you while you were begging her not to. Why did everything have to fall on your shoulders?

And now your father is gone, your home is in a civil war, and you were blaming yourself for everything when none of this was ever in your control. You had such big dreams, and you had such a big heart. Why is that all being wasted on a mistake you didn’t make?

Call Kuvira biased, but you absolutely did not deserve any of this.

After a while you chuckled lightly at the stars before you, causing Kuvira to raise an eyebrow at you. “What’s so funny?” she asks, and you simply shrug

“When my sister died, I was so angry… I wanted to lash out on everyone and everything but my father… He was silent. I would often catch him sitting on my sister’s balcony at night staring at the sky and when I asked him why, he told me that he used to do that too when my mother passed away. He said that our ancestors used to say that when somebody we love crosses the afterlife, they become our guardians… and the stars we see are actually their eyes looking down on us from the heavens.” You explain

“That’s beautiful” She comments

“It’s bullshit” you state abruptly. “I always thought it was stupid, something old people would say to comfort the young when they would lose someone” you paused, eyes still searching the stars. “But why is it that all I’m trying to do right now is look for their eyes?” you wonder out loud. Desperation perhaps? You wanted a sign, anything, that will indicate what to do next. If the stars were really your loved ones watching over you, then why has nothing in your life worked out for you?

You felt alone. Then you turn to the person beside you. The person who was still holding your trembling hands and sat beside you in your darkest moment and will continue to do so as long you allow her to. You weren’t alone. You had her. She was the only one you had.

You turn to her, taking your free hand, you bring it to her face and slowly caress her cheek. She looks at you with a slight confusion at the sudden affection but places hand above yours anyway.

“Promise me something.” You whisper to her “Promise me that your different. That you’ll stay… Promise me you won’t leave me?” you whisper in a desperate tone, tears threatening to fall from your eyes and Kuvir smiles gently at you. “I love you. Spirits know how much I do… I promise I’ll never leave you.” Kuvira whispered back, lump forming in her throat.

She promised you that she will never leave you and she knew in her heart and her soul that she never could even if she tried. But everything’s different now. You had duties; you were queen. No amount of love in this stupid world could ever provide you a legitimate heir with her. It was you who had to leave her.

She pulled you into a hug and you pressed your cheeks against her chest, letting your tears flow freely once more. “I love you so much” you sniffled.

~ ~ ~

You were now seated on the edge of your bed with Kuvira sprawled on the sheets beside you.

“I think the Avatar may be paying us a visit tomorrow” She stated

“Yeah?” You asked unconsciously eyes glued to your lap. You feel Kuvira shift from her initial position to crawl over to your side on the bed before snaking her arms round your waist, resting her chin on your shoulder. “hey…” she whispered gently, and you hummed in response, still not moving a muscle.

“You need to rest” she said her tone laced with concern for you.

You did need rest. Your eyes were sore from crying and you simply don’t have enough energy to even hug Kuvira back. You were so tired.

You nodded you head and turn your face towards her and kissed her cheek as you smile gently at the woman. “Scoot over” you say, and she does exactly that.

You laid under the covers in the dark, your legs tangled with Kuvira’s arms wrapped around you as you rest your head on her chest feeling her calming breath.

“What are you thinking about?” you asked after a few moments of silence.

“Honestly? Your guard.” She said with a slight chuckle

“What about him?” you asked in curiosity

“He must be wondering why I still have not left your room” she responded, and you gave a light laugh

“Don’t worry… He’s a great secret keeper” you assured her, and she simply nodded, trusting your judgement.

“Stay with me ‘til I wake up?” you asked her, and she lets out a sigh causing you to look up and meet her emerald eyes. “Please?” you pleaded, and she looks at you sadly, already giving you the answer to your question. “It’s fine.” You simply say turning away from her once more and you feel her hand gently caress you.

“You know I would if I could… please don’t be upset.” She explained and you simply shook your head

“No, I’m not upset… I understand you have your duties, it’s just… sad.” You explain

“Damn… love sucks.” Kuvira mutters and you couldn’t help but give light chuckle nodding your head in agreement.

“Yeah… it does.” You responded.

After a few moments you started to feel your eyes go droopy and you felt Kuvira’s breathing slow down as well. “Stay beside me in the meeting tomorrow, okay?” you muttered half asleep earning a hum of acknowledgment from Kuvira as you both gave in to the comfort of sleep.

~ ~ ~

You woke up the next morning from the sunlight peeking through your curtains and you slowly open your eyes. Instinctively, the first thing your body does is stretch your arm across your bed to Kuvira’s side only to feel a pang of disappointment when she was no longer there. You knew she wouldn’t be. But you couldn’t help but hope.

As per usual, Zhu Li helped you get ready for the day, dressing you in all black as a sign of grief and the next thing you know you were seated in the war room across the Avatar. Your guard and Empress Suyin were in the room as well, with Kuvira seated beside you.

“We received a message from Elysian, it’s addressed to you, your majesty.” Your guard starts, retrieving an envelope and handing it over to you.

The room was quiet while they patiently waited for you to finish the letter. It was from Chantou. And he was asking your hand in marriage. Why were you not surprised?

Chantou was not a nice man. He was greedy and always wanted what he could not have, but even though, he was smart about everything. All his moves calculated from the very beginning or you wouldn’t have been in this mess otherwise.

You knew exactly why he was asking your hand in marriage. Your marriage would make him legitimate because as of now, to the eyes of your people, he was a usurper, which was exactly what he was. But with you as rightful heir, Elysians will accept him. Your people loved the royal family and for a traitor like Chantou who did not have any claim to the throne, it was no question if the Elysian people might kill him themselves. He needed you. And as much is made your stomach churn, you needed him too. At least for now, as you try to claim your birth right. You needed the nobles on your side again, and right now, they were loyal to him.

You look up from the letter to meet 4 pair of eyes on you, eagerly waiting for you to tell them what was on it.

“Chantou’s asking my hand in marriage” you finally say, and their reaction were exactly what you expected. Confusion, anger, disgust, and for the woman beside you, fear.

“Like hell you would!” The avatar exclaimed but you simply kept quiet.

“He must be crazier than I thought if he thinks you are ever going to agree to that!” Kuvira commented but still, you remained silent. “Right?” she pressed, her eyes trying to meet yours, but you refuse. Instead, your eyes meet Suyin’s. She knew exactly what you were thinking, and she knew exactly why he was asking your hand in marriage. In her time as an empress, she has probably seen all kinds of tactics people use just to gain the power they didn’t deserve. This was one of them.

“Your majesty.” Kuvira speaks once more, this time in a lower more demanding tone and you finally meet her eyes.

“I’ve decided to accept it.” You finally say and together with the avatar and your guard, Kuvira give you a look of disbelief.

You decided to explain yourself and your decision to them. Talking to them about why he asked your hand in marriage and why you were willing to accept such terms. The Avatar, being her usual brash self, told you to just take Elysian back by force. But you rebutted by arguing that you did not have enough men or resources to do such thing. Meanwhile, Kuvira was kept silent. Her jaws were clenched and was breathing heavily but you tried your best not pay much attention to it as you stood by your decision.

After a few moments of discussion Suyin finally speaks up. “Maybe we should give this a little more thought and process… Of course, I’m not suggesting that you have not your majesty” She said, careful to not offend you. “But perhaps its best if we let ourselves clear our heads and we can come back maybe later in the day to discuss your final decision. If you still wish to accept his proposal… then I personally will support, you.” She finishes and you give her a gentle smile.

You doubt you were going to change your mind but for everyone’s sake, you agreed and had dispersed.

~ ~ ~

You were near the training grounds shooting arrows to a target with your guard a few feet behind you. Shooting arrows used to be an activity that got your mind off of things, but now it just achingly reminds you of your father. A few shots later you heard steps coming towards you. You didn’t bother looking when you knew exactly who those footsteps belong to.

The footsteps came to a halt and you saw Kuvira’s figure in your peripheral. You already knew her purpose for finding you and you just honestly did not have the energy or the heart right now to tell her that you were going to push through your decision. Choosing to ignore her, you continue shooting arrows.

“Leave us.” Kuvira states, tone filled with authority. No wonder why the other guards around here are terrified of her. You thought.

The look at your guard to give a nod for approval and he distances himself from the two of you, far enough for conversation privacy but close enough that he can still keep his eyes on you.

“What do you want Kuvira?” you ask in the most neutral tone you could muster as you shot another arrow.

“Don’t act like you don’t know why I’m here Y/N” she answers, tone still laced with authority.

You took a deep breath before shooting another arrow. Bullseye. You put the bow down and turned to finally look at her. She was fuming. You couldn’t quite put your finger on the exact emotion she was expressing just yet, but you knew it was anything good.

You took a deep breath before answering her, “I’ve made up my mind. I’m going through with my decision. If you don’t like that, then leave.” You say, trying your hardest to not show any emotion. You couldn’t.

“How could you say that? To me, of all people! Do you honestly believe that marrying that son of a bitch is the only way out of this?!” She raises her voice taking a few steps towards you and you almost stepped back, but you held your ground.

“No! It’s not the only way! I can just easily declare a civil war right now and hold on to my pride and title as I let nameless soldiers die on the field while I sit in my chambers drinking tea waiting for a victory, I didn’t take part in! Or I can stop it. Right here. Right now. Without anybody else getting hurt!” You challenged her. It was true. You thought about the options you could take and it all just ended up either more people dying or simply losing. This wasn’t the only way to win back your kingdom, but it was the best way to do it.

“Then don’t.” Kuvira states and you raise a brow in confusion. “That’s what I just said… I don’t underst--what? Haven’t you been listening to what I’ve been saying since the meeting?!” you groan in frustration. Kuvira takes a step towards you not turning her eyes away from your evidently confused features.

“Don’t declare a civil war. Let us do it.” She explains and you feel your breath hitch. You shake your head and take a step back trying to process what she’s saying. “This is madness Kuvira… even for you…”

Having Zaofu declare war on behalf of your family was a huge risk to their empire. You can’t say the thought never crossed your mind when you arrived in Zaofu and you saw the thousands upon thousands of elite soldiers, bender and non-benders alike, not to mention the resources they have remaining stagnant. You knew that you had nothing to lose and that’s what makes declaring a war yourself moot, you had nothing to bargain with but your claim to the throne. How selfish do you have to be just to claim back your kingdom? Your home?

“You’ve seen Zaofu yourself your majesty, we have more strength and power than the wealthiest kingdoms combined. Declaring war on your behalf won’t even cost us half of our excess” She explains, basically confirming your theory. “And what of the empress? What will she have to say about this rash decision you are proposing to me?” you ask as a matter of fact. Your heart was racing, and your palms were getting clammy from this conversation. Why? You’ve yet to figure that out yourself.

“Su just lost one of her most loyal and strongest allies and her best friend. She’s not about to let the remaining daughter of the two people she cared about the most, to sell herself to a usurper when she gave her word that she will protect you at any cost.” Kuvira states and she takes your hand into hers eager to see your face to give her a hint of what you’re thinking right now. Your hands were trembling, and you were feeling guilt eat your heart and soul. Is this the cost for salvation? Selfish drive and wishful thinking? What would your father do? What would your mother say? What would your sister tell you?

You lightly shake your head, still not fully accepting this decision “no… I don- ugh! Spirits, I don’t know what to do!” you let out in frustration. And Kuvira put her index below your chin to gently tilt your head up to meet her gaze. “You are the smartest woman I know. You always know what to do…” She whispers and you feel tears forming when you let out a sigh.

You knew what to do. You just didn’t want to admit it. Your first plan had a lot of flaws in it to start with. Chantou could just easily poison you like he did with your father and declare you died of illness to your people after he gains their favor. You would’ve never ceased the throne back, not to mention you had to have eyes at the back of your head 24/7 knowing that nobody was loyal to you in the palace anymore.

Kuvira’s proposal was exactly what you needed. A display of external power and allies. A reminder to Chantou that his claim to Elysia threatened our close powerful allies, and that they would not sit idly by as they watch their sister kingdom perish. It was the right thing to do.

It’s the right thing to do.

Kuvira cups your face into her hands, and you are forced to look at her once more. “Su loves you. Your people love you. I love you. And I know that your father would never want you to go through your original plan because he died to save you and Elysia. Please… Let Zaofu fight for you… Let me fight for you”

You feel the tears forming in your eyes cascade down your face and you give her a gentle smile. The first time you did anything for yourself was when you confessed your love to Kuvira. And now… you’re letting yourself be selfish once more.

“Okay.” You finally answer.

#kuvira #kuvira x reader #kuvira/reader #kuvira fanfic #tlok #the legend of korra #royal au #F/F romance #W|W #fic

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago

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Survey #341

“anger, misery, you’ll suffer unto me”

Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? I don't think so. Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument? No, and I never would. Grow up. Have you ever done something because of peer pressure you are ashamed of? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever been embarrassed to introduce your parents to anyone? No. Would you leave a note on a car claiming responsibility if you damaged it? Yeah; guilt would eat me alive otherwise. Have you ever used someone's handicapped parking pass to get a parking spot? Fucking ew, no. Have you ever held back a well-deserved compliment because you were jealous? No. Do you guilt people into giving you what you want? Ugh, no. Would most people consider you better than average looking? Ha, no. For yourself, would you rather have a perfect body or high IQ? Give me the perfect body, living in my horrible one has affected my mental health badly enough. I'm fine with having a moderate IQ. I just want to feel happy in my own skin. Have you ever embarrassed some intentionally in public? Wow, no. Have you ever used a false ID? Also no. Are you embarrassed to tell people your job? I'm embarrassed to tell people I don't HAVE a job. Do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you have feelings for? I don't. I'm sure it was RP-related and not friendly, but I don't remember the exact convo. Have you ever got a D or F on your report card? I want to say no; I think the lowest I ever got was a C. If you had twins, would you give them rhyming names? Ugh, no. I'm sorry if you're into it, but I'm just not. I would want to ensure they knew their uniqueness and individuality was seen. Is there anyone that you wish was IN your life who used to be? There's a large number of those kinds of people. What brings out the worst in you? Probably when I'm building up towards a PTSD meltdown. I get VERY short and snappy and am convinced everyone hates and wants to leave me. My mouth also has NO fucking leash, and I know I can say very mean things that I'll regret later. What do you prefer, Skittles or Starbursts? Skittles. Mike & Ikes or Jolly Ranchers? Jolly Ranchers for sure. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? Waffles (with syrup). Don't knock it 'til you try it, I'm telling you. What are some wild animals commonly found where you live? Besides birds obviously, there's squirrels, deer, opossums, raccoons... Have you ever had a lucid dream? I think I've had just one. What's your biggest problem at the moment? Probably my anxiety having stunted my growth in so many areas. Have you ever turned down a job offer? I don't think so, no. What's the longest hospital stay you've had? For what? I think my longest was almost two months for suicidal thoughts. Two months might sound long, but it was like... my third or so psych hospital stay for that same reason. What's something really basic that you're terrible at? Even the most simple math. I don't even know the majority of my elementary multiplication tables. Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? I have one there already, but I plan on getting it covered because it was an impulse tattoo that I feel no connection towards. Have you ever searched for your house on Google Earth? My old house, yeah. Are you a beach, country, or city person? Country. Living in the suburbs has definitely reminded me of that... Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? Typing, by a long shot. I make typos texting too much. Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yeah. Who is the last person that you said "I love you" to, besides family members? Sara. When was your first real relationship? Sophomore year of high school to early college. Have you ever cried over an ex? I've cried the entire mass of water on Earth over an ex lmao. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yes. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? No. Have you ever copied someone else’s homework? I think I have once or twice, but obviously with consent. What’s a hobby you would like to try out? If my legs worked like actual legs and I didn't sweat like an absolute pig, I would like to try out herping, but without actually interacting with the animal like picking it up and scaring the daylights out of it. I'd just be happy enough looking for reptiles, amphibians, and inverts to photograph instead. Does that still even count as herping? What was the last event you attended? My youngest niece's birthday party. How about the last event you organized? I've never organized an event. What’s something you get excited about doing and want to do it right away? Whenever I take nature pictures, I'm immediately keen to get them into Lightroom and do the postproduction. Is there anything you feel you’re better at than anybody else? Definitely not. What’s the biggest insect you’ve ever seen? If you exclude places like the zoo, that would probably be a rhinoceros beetle or something. Oh no, actually some kind of local moth I don't know the name of. They're beautiful big white boiz. How about the biggest spider? I might be mis-remembering, but I believe at a reptile convention I went to with Sara, one of the vendors had a goliath bird eater tarantula in one of the cups. I do know it was some tarantula species for sure, though. Who was the first person to break your heart? My dad. Obviously not romantically, but him just splitting on the family with no proper communication absolutely broke my heart for years. First person to give you flowers or candy on Valentine’s day? I'm sure that would be my parents. If you exclude them 'cuz that's kinda obvious, I believe it was Aaron, my first boyfriend. I'm pretty sure we were together on Valentine's Day, because I remember getting him a giant Hershey's Kiss. First band you obsessed about? I wasn't truly obsessed with any band 'til Ozzy in middle school. Can you do a backflip? No; I've never tried and never will. I was and still am too afraid of breaking my neck. Like I have a MASSIVE fear of paralysis, particularly from the neck down; that fear is actually the biggest one that keeps me from driving, fun fact. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Of the two, definitely a pessimist, but I at least think I align most with being a realist. What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone? I'm unsure. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same sex? Yeah. How many doors are in the room you’re in? Just one. Have you ever been engaged and broke it off? No. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Tyler once drew a picture of him and me. It was cute. That guy still dove in WAY too fast. Have you ever dated a redhead? I haven't, but I love redheads. Natural red hair is just gorgeous. What are your thoughts on facial hair on guys? Historically, I seem to generally like some, but it really depends on the guy's general appearance. I can like none at all or a full beard and mustache, it doesn't really matter to me. Did you go anywhere today? No; my mom is in Florida with her brothers totally cleaning out Grammy's house, so she's not here to take me anywhere. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Oh yikes, I have a lot. I honestly can't count because I've lost track of how many boys and girls Katie has. You have a choice to shoot your father or die, what would you do? Jesus. I'd rather die; some things just aren't worth living after, and I'd have no desire to keep going if I killed my father. Did you ever cry at the end of King Kong? I've never watched it, actually, but I. LOVED. The video game. I haven't played it in years and only faintly remember how it ends, but I don't remember crying. Are you in any amount of pain at the moment? Quite a lot, actually. It's kinda a TMI subject so I won't delve into it, just know I'm hurting like a bitch. What was the last sugary thing you ate? I snacked on some chocolate chips earlier today... which I really shouldn't have done, but I think I had reasonable restraint and didn't totally binge. When was the last time you did something extremely stupid? Who knows, that's not a rare occurrence, it feels like. Have you been to any parties lately? Only my niece's bday party in February. Thankfully it was kept pretty small, given Covid; not that anyone in that family besides my sister gives a flying fuck about precautions, though... Can you touch your pinky to your thumb around your wrist? Ugh, no. Close, but not enough. I still have thin wrists and hands, but yeah, yay for being overweight. If you were to start a charity, what would you call it? I'd hve to put more thought than I'm willing for one survey question. I'd have to decide what KIND of charity I want to start first, which I'm unsure of. Probably something related to animal wellfare and conservation or something similar to the Trevor Project. Maybe LBGTQ+ youth disowned by their families... I dunno. There's so much good I wish I could do. Are you comfortable with your body? Holy fuck no. It's only gotten worse since I started gaining weight again and almost entirely erased all weight loss progress I'd made. What is your recent inside joke? Most recently made? Idk, man. I don't make those often. Would you rather be a human, vampire, or a werewolf? Er, I'm good with being a human. If I was a vampire or werewolf, I wouldn't exactly be very welcomed, I'm sure, and both have seemingly painful traits to cope with. Are you good at giving directions? It is absolutely impossible for me. I have NO sense of direction, like, at all. I don't know highway names, local exits, etc. etc. etc. etc. Why did you last curse? Pain when readjusting myself due to aforementioned issue I'm having. What is your purpose in life? I hope it involves animals and spreading words of peace and an appreciation for art. What is one of your weak points? I'm very, very, very dependent on others. I'm really working on trying to correct that. I can barely do shit on my own as is. Who was the last person you heard snoring? My cat, haha. Would you rather shower by yourself or with another person? 100% by myself. Another person would just get in the way and make me VERY self-conscious of my body, even if it was my romantic partner. Just please leave me alone to hate myself for 10 minutes. :^) What was your last addiction? You could say my current one is John Wolfe, a really funny let's player I've gotten into. Been bingeing some of my favorite games he has playlists of for a few weeks now. You are in a tank full of spiders, what do you do? Well one, I'd like to know what kind they are. Venomous? Harmless? You gotta give me the details. If I don't have any, then I'm admittedly freaking the fuck out, even though I know I should stay very calm when trying to get out. Fear would win, though. If killing yourself meant saving the world, would you? Saving the world from what? But odds are, yeah. I don't cherish my pretty damn mediocre life more than I do the lives of what, 8 billion people? Have you ever stayed up all night just to talk to someone? Yeah. When was the last time you eavesdropped someone? I kinda do that sometimes when Mom's on the phone and I can hear her from my room, and if they're on speaker. Particularly if the subject is me. When was the last time you went to a club? I've never been to one. How have you been sleeping? Poorly. Are you adopted? No, I'm not. Do you like scrapbooking? Not really, no. Do you collect anything valuable? "Valuable to me." <<<< This. Nothing of great monetary worth, though. Have you ever been beaten up? No, thankfully. Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? I don't think so, in my personal life. What was the last thing you killed? An ant. Have you ever used someone for money? I never could, no. When was the last time you went to the zoo? Sigh, it's been many many years. I'm so ready to get my goddamn legs back in shape so I can go again, this time with a REAL camera, too. Last time I went was when I still only had a Kodak EasyShare; I have a professional Canon camera now with much more education on photography too, so I would be in absolute heaven with at least twenty memory cards in need, haha. Maybe next fall... Is there a teacher you hate more than anything? I actually never had a teacher I hated in my entire school career. It really, really is as simple as just being a respectful student. In most cases, I should emphasize, because I do understand some educators just suck. Now I had some teachers I wasn't very fond of, but most certainly none that I hated. Do you own colored eyeliner? No. Do you have manners? I honestly think I'm very mannerly. When was the last time that you had a pet that died? We last had to put my dog Teddy down; he had cancer and was literally withering away. I knew in my very core that even if we didn't bring him to the vet to euthanize him, he would've died naturally in a very short period of time; I doubt he would've survived another night. Now I'd like to move on. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? The combination of Vraylar and Lamictal is the reason I'm alive. It keeps my bipolarity and depression under control. Do you decorate Mason jars? No, but those are some of my favorite crafts visually. They're very pretty and cute. Can you see the mountains from where you live? Oh hunny, I wish. Did you ever play pranks on April Fool’s Day? As a kid, yeah. I don't anymore. I'm not really even a fan of April Fool's Day as an adult because of how cruel some jokes assholes play are. Which instrument would you play if you could learn to play one? Maybe violin. Do you part your hair on the left side, right side, or in the middle? The left. What are some names you like that start with the first letter of your name? Uhhhh Bianca, Braelynn (look I know it's so stereotypically Southern but it's pretty)... and idk from there, those are the two that come to mind first.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''harvester of sorrow'' by metallica

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anemonenemerosa · 4 years ago

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Hello hello,

here we go. Thank you for staying with me and thank you @lumosinlove for creating this world =)

This is still dark (but we’re getting a bit better) so please stay safe.

Chapter 10

They stopped in front of a big apartment-building, windows mostly dark, it was almost one in the morning. There was no doorman, no entry hall to the building, just a corridor leading to stairs and a concerningly dingy lift. Ouais, enfin… maybe I pay with my kidneys for this, after all.

The door to the flat opened, Regulus was pushed in and all but froze. He had never seen such a place.

There was no entrance hall in here either, the front door directly opened into a small living room with an open kitchen and a dinner table shoved into a corner, half hidden behind an overloaded laundry rack.

The windowsills were crammed with pot-plants in several states of... health? survival? decay? Books and knickknacks were messily shoved into the tall but sloping shelves lining the walls, which were painted in a soft warm yellow, making the room look sunny and warm, even in the middle of the night.

Nothing, not even the chairs or precariously crooked shelves seemed to belong to the same set of furniture. And was one of the table-legs different from the others?

It was... all over the place, really.

The worn maroon rug in the living area clashed horribly with the big, ugly purple corduroy couch and the mismatched and multicoloured throw pillows.

Posters of 80's movies -Regulus recognised Ghost Busters and Back to the Future- and lots of unframed photographs almost covered the wall behind the couch.

On the far wall were three doors, one closed, one revealing bits of a very messy bedroom, the other ajar, sporting a poster of a rather ancient wooden privy... What. The. Hell.

Regulus did not know what to make of this. He somehow loved it instantly while simultaneously cringing over all the chaos and all the stuff crammed in here. His, stylistically uninspired, mother would probably die of shock at the view and somehow that made the place a little more endearing to him.

However, he always thought of himself as tidy and some part of him died just a bit at the sight of the mismatched socks and shirts littering the part of the bedroom-floor he could see. This place, starkly contrasting the house he grew up in was bursting with life, messy and welcoming instead of an assembly of model rooms resembling what was shown in some posh interior-design magazine. This is what a home looks like, Regulus decided.

He allowed himself to be ushered further inside.

"Leave you shoes here please and put your coat..." Regulus turned around as the sentence did not continue and saw Ben looking at the overflowing coatrack behind the door.

"...Put your coat somewhere you will find it again" he concluded, nodding to himself.

Mateo already went past them into the kitchen and dived headfirst into the fridge. "We have some left-over Minestrone from yesterday, if you want, Reg."

Regulus turned, having disposed of his coat on one of the chairs. As he didn't answer for long enough to be considered impolite, Mateo lifted his head from the fridge, noticing Regulus blank stare

"Is it OK, if we call you Reg? Regulus sounds so stiff..." This warm, infuriatingly disarming, smile. Regulus could only nod.

These people rendered him speechless at a disturbing rate. Usually, he chose not to speak but with them, he often couldn't.

The only one who had ever called him Reg was Sirius and even he stopped that years ago. Could he really be Reg again? Was he allowed to? No, a malicious voice echoed through his head. You do not deserve that comfort. Remember what you did. Regulus felt sick.

"Soooo... Minestrone?" – "I am not hungry, but thank you" Regulus looked at Mateo, hoping he would not call him Reg, regretting his thoughtless agreement.

"When’s the last time you eaten?" Ben asked as he came from the Bedroom in striped Pyjama-bottoms and an old shirt. Regulus tried to remember if he had had lunch today. Not good.

"If you need to think about it, it is too long ago. You eat." The man stated as Mateo chuckled and put a pot on the stove.

"Do never deny again that you are a freaking mother hen", he joked while walking into the bedroom, probably to change, too.

Regulus hovered in the room, wary and utterly confused. He struggled to maintain a safe distance, still trying to fathom what's going on and why these strangers were more welcoming and affectionate than his family ever been.

A quiet but reckless voice in his mind - very different from the sneer that chimed up just a minute ago and sounding suspiciously similar to a younger Sirius- reminded him that he fucked up already and that he might as well go and enjoy his time while the universe and/or his mother were probably already in preparation to take him down.

----------------------------------------------------------

A while later he was seated on the ugly, lumpy couch, nursing a bowl of minestrone. He was clad in a much too small shirt ("this is the biggest shirt we have, you are just a giant") and borrowed underwear (his blood-stained sweatpants were soaking in the sink along with his, also bloody, shirt) and wrapped in a baby blue blanket with pink chickens on it. Why does such an item even exist?

The TV provided mindless background-noise while Ben and Mateo chattered along about anything and everything. Regulus just sat there in silence and listened intently. He never met people who would just go on and lay out their life in front of a person they just met. Let alone a person they found bleeding in the shower, mid-meltdown... Maybe their life history hinted on why they were so careless with private information.

And they really were. They told him everything and Regulus was confident he could write their memoirs by now.

Apparently, Mateo grew up in Manaus, Brazil So, it was Portuguese, not Spanish. ("That's where Rio Negro and Rio Solimões meet to form the Amazonas" The more you know...) He came to the US to study medicine on a scholarship, is in the last weeks of his training and only stays in Slytherin because-

"One cannot choose their training hospitals on that scholarship. No offense, mate." None taken.

They recounted how they met almost five years ago at an airport. That, after spending eight hours waiting for their delayed flight, they were joined at the hip. "Metaphorically and literally." Regulus went bright red at the innuendo while Ben patted his back sympathetically, shaking with suppressed laughter. He and Mateo were huddled up together in a yellow blanket with... Flamingos? Where did they even get these bird-themed things?

Ben had a sister, Josephine, who stayed here during semester breaks ("But do call her Jo or she will end you.") After Regulus gave a pointed look to the closed door, he was informed that he did not need to worry about their noise as she slept like the dead and even overslept a fire alarm in the building last summer.

Jo was 18, like Regulus but already in her Sophomore at Boston University as she skipped a year in middle school. "Got herself a scholarship and does computer-sciences, the insufferable nerd and know-it-all."

"She's really great, Reg. Ben is just her brother and thus, bound to think she’s annoying." Mateo interrupted Bens speech about his sister.

Regulus allowed himself a minute of going over the relationship with his own brother. Sirius was annoying. Very annoying, to be exact. But if anyone except him had called him out in the past, Regulus remembered feeling a little surge of protection against the git he was related to... maybe this was a siblings-thing.

He focused back on the conversation in front of him, fascinated by the insight of other people’s relations and upbringing.

The siblings grew up in Bristol, Great Britain, and moved to New York when Ben was seventeen and Jo ten but he did not elaborate on why they came here. That’s why I couldn’t place the accent.

Ben had studied Art History at NYU and actually worked at the Art Gallery in the city-centre. Cleaning the rink in the evenings was his means to save money for a tattoo shop he wanted to open in Boston, where they would move, come February, for Mateo’s new job.

He got informed that a note has been shoved under Jos door, announcing his presence, a spare toothbrush was presented and then, at nearly half past two in the morning, he is left for the night with a hug (!) from both of them. How touchy they are.

Regulus was not cuddly, never had been.

Really? You loved to snuggle up with Sirius in bed. The voice of reckless young Sirius supplied unhelpfully. This whole situation was completely surreal but also comfortingly normal.

This is a dream or, more likely, a godamn fever-trip. C’est pourri! This is shit! Regulus sighed.

These people were mad... hell, they didn't even know him. Yet, they took him in, fed him (very good) soup and freaking hugged him good night. They probably even stayed awake that long, filling the air with their complete life-story to keep him from feeling lonely... Allez savoir pourquoi! God knows why!

Reckless young Sirius suggested again to just roll with it and Regulus began to wonder whether he, instead of them, had gone mad.

This life he had a short glimpse into, this night was not real for him. He couldn't have that, considering the family he was born into and his obligation to live up to their expectations. Not to mention that he absolutely did not deserve being cared for after he de facto kicked his brother in the face ruined and his career.

The tiny voice piped up again, but Regulus silenced it with an exasperated groan. Yep, mad.

He surely would not sleep here on this odd couch. He would sit here, mull over all the shit that happened in just this one day, wait for them to wake up to thank them appropriately, return to the Malfoys and sleep there for a week to recompose himself.

#the spare #regulus black #oc's #Sweater Weather #lumosinlove

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fentonizer · 8 years ago

Text

Zero Value

“You should do some more writing” my girlfriend said to me in what may just be a narrative framing device.

I have always dabbled in writing, and people have always been polite enough to tell me the things that they’ve read that I wrote have been good.

Truth is, of late I have been in a funk. “Funk” being an offhand and slang way of distancing the problem that is no doubt a depressive disorder. Low mood is the symptom, as as far as symptoms go, it sounds benign. Everything is grey a lot of the time, and I do not know where the colour has gone.

I can’t seem to remember the last thing I looked forward to. Nothing grand anyway, nothing more important than a pizza, or a lie in. The days, like much of my writing are a run-on sentence.

I did write a 2000 word, mostly auto-biographical story about the year of my life twenty-fourteen, a year where a lot of “mad shit” happened to me and which I have never fully internally processed to closure. I probably never will.

Here are a few paragraphs from it I feel comfortable sharing with you:

There’s a documented condition called Paris Syndrome; a form of culture shock, the romanticised view of France and Paris specifically, a city of green grass, culture, love and that European free spirit is at odds with the reality of an overpopulated, dirty city, full of normal French people sick to death of tourists.

Depression itself is like Paris Syndrome, but instead of culture shock, it’s existence shock. You’ve been thrown into a world you don’t understand and are trying to cope. It’s not like how you thought it would be, is it? It’s not like how you were told it would be. Everyone else seems to have it together, right? Why aren’t I like that? Why do I go home and want to do nothing but rest in bed? Where do these people find the energy to do all this stuff? See places. Go to things. What am I missing that doesn’t make me feel capable of doing all that too?

The quintessential existential problem is feeling like you don’t belong and having no memory of the place where you do, if it even ever existed in the first place. How can one hope to fit in and find purpose when we have no template with which to work from? This is the void depressives speak of, like being perpetually hungry for a meal that doesn’t exist, the hole is indescribable precisely because nothing will fill it. It is formless, and we try to sleep, eat, drink, love, talk and fuck our way to a fulfilment that doesn’t exist for us.

We cannot ever get a plane out of Paris.

My intuition tells me only one thing here, and that is that because I am actually quite proud of the literary clarity of my mental state in the above, it is likely trite, probably plagiarised, and essentially of zero value.

Maybe you know or even remember that I wrote the allgamesshouldbedarksouls blog. This was a few years ago, before even Dark Souls 2 came out and society hit what we now refer to as “Peak Dark Souls.”

I don’t really want to go on about it, but it’s easily summarised. Remember liking “the cake is a lie” references? Then remember hating them as overdone and shallow, popularised not because of any real love for the art or end result, but because it was coded “in-language” that separated you from “them?” Like drawing a fish in the sand, we understand, and we’re safe here, away from those neophytes. And when they kneel at my feet, saying “Why!? Why didn’t we listen to you about how Dark Souls was an instant classic?” I will shove them aside. They had their chance, and no, I will not lend you my copy of it now.

The writing was good (people were polite enough to tell me) but as far as “video” “game” “writing” goes, it was shallow and I could see that. It was overly concerned with mechanics and more than implied some measure of objectivity in game-design. Plus, I was really tired of the “angry young dude hates every video game for petty reasons” shtick, knowing full well that if you gave me money and a team to design a videogame I would inevitably shit out something milquetoast.

But nevertheless, it was well received and proved that if I had the inclination I could string words together to create something vaguely compelling, although possibly I’m not accounting for the low bar of the subject matter, in this, the medium where you can wax idiotic about your constitutional right to kill a virtual prostitute.

I bring this up not because it’s the one good thing I’ve ever produced and reminisce about it daily, but because it’s yet another unfortunate example of something in my life that I tried, started to get somewhere with, then got bitter about not being handed fame on a plate and gave up.

I noticed this of myself today; (now, look, this is going to get pretty pathetic, but my girlfriend said I should write more (she didn’t), and I’m being open and honest with you, even if that reveals some... truths.) I have very few twitter followers. Not even 150. I use twitter all the time, every day. I say things, I make jokes, I comment on current events. I have tweeted almost 6000 things. I use hashtags, and I use them correctly. I do not, repeat DO NOT, make up random hashtags about my day like #FentonsTeaBreak, which is, like, something everyone who is new to using twitter does in the first week and thinks they are hilarious for doing.

But I am yet to find any more than 150 people who are interested in things I have to say. And 150 is generous as well, I suspect at least half of those are either robots, people who have since died, or people who followed when they signed up because Twitter suggested it might be a good idea and haven’t logged in since.

I actually lose more followers than I gain, and I can assure you that it not because of self-pitying screeds like this (I learnt that lesson about 4000 tweets ago). If you've never felt unsure about your place in the world, imagine the feeling that it is easier to find people who actively regret choosing to listen to you, and you’ve got a good approximation.

Today brought this to the fore as I saw a tweet that was basically the same as a tweet I made, retweeted into the thousands, simply because that person’s audience was bigger than mine. It was weirdly validating, that yes, my thought would have been accepted en mass, but also infuriating like meekly muttering a joke, only to have your confident friend repeat it, louder, to roars of applause (having used better words with a defter sense of comedic timing).

I realise this is incredibly arrogant. People are busy, and the world does not stop when Fenton Makes A Tweet. These days, everyone is a “content producer.” Running the wide gamet of pictures of their cat all the way along to pictures of their latte. There simply isn’t enough internet attention to go around, because mostly, it’s all so fucking boring.

I have come to see twitter more as a diary. A repository of my thoughts so that, like the cold unfeeling robot I am, I can purge the memory banks once this string has been archived, and move on to thinking other things (there is no rider to this joke, I am not going to list two normal things followed by one surreal thing).

For 6 months in 2016, I captured approximately 40 minute chunks of me playing video-game farming simulator Stardew Valley. I uploaded these videos to YouTube and in each I would talk about the game and talk about things going on in the world and it was generally incredibly cathartic. I appreciate there’s not much of a market for what ended up being about 70 hours of unedited video-content of a man, forever teetering on the the brink of an emotional meltdown talk about miking a virtual cow, but goddammit, I produced that content anyway. Fuck the haters (of which there were none).

Someone once said of my brief foray into stand-up comedy, that I was talented but showed an obvious lack of preparedness. That review (3 stars, Milton Keynes SnoZone, 2010) was a more accurate summary of my being than any psychoanalyst has ever achieved. I do not apply myself, and therefore I do not achieve. Even this, these very words that you’re reading right now, I am writing so that I don’t have to practice for a tournament of a game I supposedly enjoy playing and want to be good at.

My entire life feels like a omnibus of half-efforts. Even my job, which I openly loathe, I don’t quit because I do not want to risk trying anything different and have it be worse. I talk myself out of it daily for reasons like “you only know how to do this once specific job anyway” and “other jobs are probably a lot harder.” I give up before I even begin, and then use that same lack of motivation as a self-fulfilling prophecy to convince myself that it was never going to happen anyway, so I’m justified in giving up.

And then, on top of this, the Earth in year 2017 is a shit show to the point that your troubles are pretty small-fry. I’ve drafted tweets, had thoughts, typed internet comments, and then fallacied myself into relative privation by realising “wait, maybe the world doesn’t need THIS JOKE right now, because Muslim’s are being unlawfully detained at airports. Is this really the time for a pun on the word fondant?”

Today is February 2nd. It’s hashtag Time-To-Talk day. And that is as good an excuse as I’m going to get to be this massively self-indulgent and start my commitment to writing more by laying out my neuroses on the shaky pre-tense of lowering the stigma towards mental health.

But please, talk to each other. See your faults, your weaknesses, understand why you feel like you do and then you can start looking at changing patterns and habits that might be bad for you.

Don’t keep this shit locked up. Be brave. Talk. It’s ok. People will understand that you’re a mad-shit. Write a blog post that people will have trouble deciding if it’s too meta or not meta enough.

Society puts so much pressure on us to perform. Be like this. A man should be like THIS, a woman should be like THAT. This is damaging and only serves to alienate.

Mental health is important. My mental health needs constant work. Did you actually read the above paragraphs? That’s my brain all day “Not good enough, stupid weak thoughts, stupid weak job, you’re a failure and it’s no surprise you give up.”

To be Onan just one more time, my mental health is really the only thing I’ve never given up on.

Plus, of course, I have an amazing support network of my partner, family and friends. And if you feel you don’t have this kind of network, then there are plenty of resources which are listed here, the Time To Change website: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/mental-health-and-stigma/help-and-support or you can drop me a line.

#timetotalk

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eldritchsurveys · 6 years ago

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11o.

Could you have sex with the last person you text messaged? >> I could, logistically...? I don’t really know why “could” is the word used here, lol. Last person you watched a movie with? >> Sparrow. Who has the power to break you? >> No one?! That power is restricted to me and me only, thanks. You can be a participant, but you can’t have the full credit. Do you play any instruments? If so, what? >> No. If the last person to hurt you apologized right now, what would you say? >> “Apology accepted. Now fuck off.”

Favorite “little kid” movie? >> I’m not sure. I like a lot of movies marketed towards children, I think. Is confidence cute? >> It’s attractive, but I don’t think “cute” is exactly the word I’d use. What are you listening to? >> Nothing. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? >> --- What did you do Friday night? >> Played video games, probably. Have you ever been caught skipping class? >> No. Have you ever kissed in the rain? >> Yes. Hair color? >> Dark brown. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? >> Can Calah. The last time you felt broken? >> I’m not sure. Probably the last meltdown I had, because that’s a side effect. Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three months? >> Sure. Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? >> I am my complete self at all times. Are you alone right now? >> Yes. Hows your week been? >> Last week was a little up-and-down, but I think I weathered it pretty well, considering. What is your background on your phone? >> The lock screen is a King in Yellow art I found online and the home screen is some desert thing that came with the phone. Do you follow your head or your heart? >> Hm. Whats the latest you’ve stayed up in the past week? >> Maybe like 11.30p. Does anyone know your password besides you? >> Sparrow knows (well, “knows”; more like “forgets and asks for again”) a couple of my passwords, for things that we share, like Netflix and Origin. Do you find smoking unattractive? >> Not by itself. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? >> Sure. If someone wanted to tell you how they felt, would you listen? >> That depends on whether I’m in the mental space to receive that sort of thing, but generally I think I make a decent sounding board. What’s one thing you wish you could take back? >> Meh. Do you like falling asleep to the sound of the rain? >> Sure. What are you wearing? >> An olive-green maxi dress with an elephant on it. Have you ever just laid down outside and stared at the stars? >> No, strangely enough. I gotta try that one day. How’d you get your last bruise? >> I don’t remember the last time I had an actual bruise. When was the last time you were laughing so hard you could barely breathe? >> I don’t remember. What is your hair looking like right now? >> Like... hair. Think of the most recent person who has hurt you, will you ever forgive that person? >> I don’t know anything about “forgiveness”. I think there’s something sacred and transformative in the fury that comes from betrayal, and I’m in no real hurry to forget that dry-ice feeling (especially since it’ll probably prevent me from falling into the same dumb trap in the future). What I do know is eventually I’ll stop thinking about him altogether except when reminded (like by a survey question or something), which is the actual end goal. Are you going to sleep in tomorrow? >> Most likely not, since I usually don’t. Do you remember what you wore last night? >> Yeah, alien-print PJ pants and a Supernatural shirt. Are there any saved birthday cards in your bedroom? >> No. Is it easy for you to pretend everything’s okay? >> It is if I have to. Is there someone you used to talk to every day that you don’t talk to at all? >> Yeah. Your phone goes off during the night, do you answer it? >> Hell no. Do you think things will change in the next few months? >> That’s how life works, yes. Has anyone ever asked you if you were bi polar? >> Clinicians have. What was the last thing you looked up on Google? >> The definition of the word “diaphanous”. Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 24 hours? >> Can Calah, probably. Has anything happened to you in the past month that made you really mad? >> Hell yeah, it has. Your phone is ringing. Its an ex. What do you say? >> None of my exes have my phone number. Except Anubis, maybe, but we’re friends so that’s not the weirdest thing in the world. Do you lose interest in someone quickly? >> Sometimes. Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone? >> Yeah. Was the first person you talked to today male or female? >> Hm. Does your password have to do with a boy/girl? >> No. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? >> Probably. If you could go back in time and change things, would you? >> No. Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours? >> Maybe. Would you ever camp out under the stars, on the beach? >> Yeah. Do you like to sleep in a warm or cold room? >> I prefer the room to be on the cold side. What was the first thing you did when you woke up today? >> Went to the bathroom. Do you have a best friend? >> No. Who did you last call on your phone? >> My father. Do you think high school relationships can last? >> Sometimes, I guess. I wouldn’t know. Does anyone completely understand you? >> Hm. Do you have a reason to smile now? >> Sure. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? >> No. To be honest, do you have a boy? >> --- Who was the last person to comfort you as you cried? >> Can Calah. Think back to last year. Who did you like? >> --- Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? >> Sure. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? >> --- What do you do when you have a bad day? >> Watch TV or play video games or something distracting like that. Is there a person of the same sex who means a lot to you? >> Sure. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? >> Yes. How did you meet the last male you called? >> I was born. What were you doing at 7:45AM this morning? >> Sleeping. What are you listening to at the moment? >> Nothing. Person you last sent a text to? >> Sparrow. Ever been kissed on the leg? >> Probably, at some point. Plans for tomorrow? >> I don’t have any plans. What was the last thing you ate? >> A veggie burger and salt-and-vinegar chips. If you HAD to kiss someone right now, who would it be? >> --- Who was the last person you rode in the car with? >> Sparrow. Name some things you love about Winter? >> The winter holidays, the first few snowfalls, and... that’s pretty much it, tbh. Winter gets boring real fast (which is pretty logical, since it’s the “death” season). Does anyone call you babe or baby? >> Sparrow says “babe” sometimes. Are you a snob at school? >> --- Last person to hear you cry? >> Can Calah. How do you feel about your relationship status? >> Fine. Last person to make you smile? >> Me? Is it possible to be JUST friends with someone you wanna be with? >> Sure. Friendship is pretty cool to me, sorry it doesn’t seem to be enough for others. Is there anyone you don’t wanna lose? >> Sparrow, I guess. At this point, I can’t imagine putting investment enough in anyone else that I can’t imagine my life without them. Maybe in the future, but right now, people have largely been a Great Disappointment. Do you find trusting people easy? >> Not anymore. Do you make smart decisions? >> Some are smart, some are not. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? >> --- What color is your shirt? >> I’m not wearing a shirt. Would you rather marry Edward Cullen, or take a million dollars? >> I’d much rather have any sum of money than... anything related to Edward Cullen. Have you ever been given roses? >> No.

Would you ever sky dive? >> I’d love to try. Who is in your default picture with you? >> --- Have you ever been disappointed in someone that you were really close to? >> Yes. Is it hard to walk away from things sometimes? >> I guess? I don’t know, I don’t really like staying in futile situations. I am more prone to saying “fuck it” and leaving it alone than I am to sticking it out. (And nine times out of ten when I do try sticking it out, it ends up obvious that my first instinct is actually the one I should have gone with anyway.) Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? >> No. Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before? >> Sure. Do you have a lighter on you? >> Not on me, but there’s like 6 in this apartment. Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed? >> A bed in an Airbnb. Is the last person you hugged older than you? >> --- Are you happier now than you were four months ago? >> I think I’m at the same general quality of life. How many radio stations do you listen to? >> I don’t. Your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care? >> Of course not. Unless they didn’t share, in which case, fuck you! Do you miss the way things used to be? >> No. If you were pregnant, who would you tell first? >> --- Would you rather be in a relationship or play the field? >> I’d rather not have to play any field. This time last year were you single? >> No. What school did you go to in 7th grade? >> Wow, I’ve actually forgotten the name of the middle school I attended. I started to type it and was like “... wait.” I had to fuckin google it -- Helen A Fort Middle School.

Has your heart ever been broken? >> Yeah. If you dated someone that someone else liked, would you rub it in their face? >> No, what the fuck? Where do you sit at lunch? >> --- Has anyone told you they missed you lately? >> Nope. Have you ever played a Wii? >> Yep. Have you received a text message that made you cry? >> I don’t think so. What holiday is your birthday closest to? >> Memorial Day (sometimes it’s the same day, annoyingly).

#surveys #survey #random survey

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