#guys i think murdock's just gonna fuckin die

[pandadrake]

that same shit but in a universe slightly to the left

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

re: Matt growing up learning that it isn't safe to trust other people vs Foggy learning the opposite THANK YOU!! Matt grew up a disabled ward of the state he definitely had Zero interest in becoming the first Enhanced disabled ward of the state (and not knowing whether that would elevate his status or somehow be worse). Especially with, in a way, the only precedent so far being Captain America immediately becoming and then dying as military property.

I think it’s especially interesting in the sense that Cap was meant to happily become and die military property.

Like, all Matt has is the propaganda, right? He doesn’t know the true story of Steve rogers. He has star spangled man with a plan. Cream of the crop, most noble of them all, first to volunteer and jumped on a grenade while waiting for them to set up the machine. He went to Germany to deliver a punch, express shipping, straight from the good ol’ United States Armed Forces to Hitler’s jaw. He sacrificed himself without hesitation—to the experiment, to the war, to a plane crash and rogue missiles. He was the eager and willing super solder of the U.S. Army.

And Matt knows that he’s not that.

Because Matt’s already had problem child stapled all over him, right? The uncooperative one. The flight risk. In and out of every single group home, foster care situation, orphanage. And he knows what people do to the ones who don’t cooperate.

Like, Matt was very plainly abused after his dad died—by stick, and likely by others. Even if some people didn’t actively abuse him, they probably neglected him or turned a blind eye. He leaves foster care with absolutely no ties or support system. Father Lanthom doesn’t know him at the start of Daredevil, despite him having grown up in the orphanage. He spots him on a bench outside the church, says “you’re jack murdock’s boy, aren’t you?” And that’s when their relationship really starts. So it’s evident that Matt, in all likelihood, cut ties with everyone when he left foster care. He didn’t keep up with the orphanage. We know father lanthom knew him in the orphanage, but Matt’s practically a stranger in season 1. The only one he’s implied to have kept in touch with from his past before Daredevil Season 1 is Fogwell, because we see him take Elektra to his gym and he says something about having to pay him back for breaking his window.

Like. People who have healthy connections or memories in their past don’t do that. He was literally raised by his childhood church, and he doesn’t seem to have so much as gone back for a single mass until he’s confessing to being a masked vigilante at the open of season 1. Matt cut and fuckin’ run so hard and fast out of the system that he might as well have left skid marks. The man wasn’t in a good place when he made that decision. He was running.

It’s pretty safe to say that Matt Murdock has got no fuckin’ plans on being the smiling soldier of the U.S. military, and all he knows about their one super soldier is that it was a guy who was purportedly enormously cooperative in his own weaponization and death. And the way he borderline disappeared from his own past implies a lot of mistreatment growing up. He’s not expecting anyone to accept his refusal to cooperate gracefully. He’s expecting what has happened every other time that he’s refused to fit in a happy little box, which is for him to get hurt.

Matt’s very much a product of the system, and it feeds into his expectations on whether they will take advantage of him. Foggy grew up in a family that was happy, good natured, and helped people out when they needed it. It’s gonna make their world views diametrically opposed, but they didn’t exactly sit down and hash out whether they think the world is a place that will abuse you with half an incentive at the original roommate meeting. Matt didn’t exactly share “hey these are all the ways I was abused growing up.” So Matt’s just learning the extent to which he can legitimately hurt people when he takes actions he’s been taking to protect himself for decades, and Foggy’s only just learning how normalized getting hurt was for Matt growing up

[deniigi]

I always need Mike Murdock flirting with an unimpressed Foggy Nelson in my life!

Agreeeed

------

Foggy wondered, deeply, truly wondered, what chemical imbalance in Mike’s head made him think that he could do this shit every time and get away with it.

Matt was literally in his office.

Karen had just brought him a cup of coffee and clapped him awake from an unintentional mid-day nap.

Karen slowly turned her head towards Foggy with her lips so tight they could have been marble.

“I think we need to call security,” she said.

Mike balked.

“No need for no security, hon,” he drawled in that aggravatingly smooth accent. “I got all the protection you need right here in these guns.”

Karen refused to acknowledge his presence or his ‘guns,’ no matter how dramatically he flexed them for her.

“Fogs, do you think you can call security?” she asked stiffly.

“I can,” Foggy confirmed solemnly.

Mike recoiled and removed himself from Karen’s desk.

“Hey, hey, hey, now,” he crooned to Foggy with open palms in front of him, “No need for that, Foggy, my man. We’re just talkin’, ya see? Me and this lovely, lovely lady got a connection.”

“The only connection you’re gonna have is a single phone call from the station if you keep that up, Mike,” Foggy said.

Mike scoffed.

“Well, then call me ‘Matthew,’” he said with a charming smile. “Lord knows baby can’t do no wrong.”

“You’re eleven minutes apart,” Foggy deadpanned.

Mike’s lip curled.

“Baby can’t do no wrong,” he repeated like the thought was acid.

“Hm. Jealous, I think,” Foggy noted. “Did you need something from the more adjusted and successful brother, or…?”

Mike set Karen’s stapler firmly onto her desk and drew himself up to full height.

“I do, actually,” he said while Karen surreptitiously disinfected the stapler. “I need a date.”

“Oh, fun,” Foggy said. “Incest. You’ve finally stooped that low.”

Mike hummed.

“Well, you know, I would never say no to fucking my clone, but I’m afraid I’d rather eat asphalt than sleep in the same bed as Matty ever again. No, dearest Franklin. I don’t need Matthew. I need you.”

Foggy set down his mug.

“You’re making it weird, Mike,” he sighed. “Don’t make it weird.”

“But you like weird,” Mike needled.

“Take one of your showgirls,” Foggy said.

“I can’t, it has to be either you or this doll,” Mike purred in Karen’s direction.

Karen squinted at him.

“Are you blind?” she asked him.

“No, babe, just dazzled,” Mike said with a widening grin.

“You have the right to remain silent,” Foggy told Karen immediately.

“By what?” Karen asked instead.

Aigh.

“By you,” Mike crooned.

Karen stared.

Then her eyes went wide.

She stood up.

“I think get it now,” she said, “I got him, Fogs. Don’t worry, I’ll handle it. Come on, starry-eyes. You and me got a date.”

Foggy watched Karen pop up and Mike realize how tall she was. He then watched as Mike did some mental calculations before decided that this was a good thing.

He absorbed the cheesy thumbs-up tossed his way as Sir Asshole followed Trouble Herself out through the office door.

And then he decided that no, actually. This wasn’t his problem.

 --

 “Mike stopped by when you were asleep,” Foggy told Matt as they were closing up. “Karen took him out.”

Matt paused in stacking files.

“He did? She did?” he asked.

“Sure as day,” Foggy hummed. “They gonna be cool, you think?”

“What was he here for?” Matt asked instead.

“Trying to get me to go on another date with him. Seems like he’s trying to steal your identity for the eightieth time,” Foggy said.

Matt hummed.

“He’s probably running a con,” he said. “Best of luck to him for Karen.”

“Yeah,” Foggy sighed. “Fucker doesn’t even know what he doesn’t know.”

“Did she like him?”

Foggy huffed a laugh.

“I think she’s gonna love him,” he smirked.

Matt tried to muffle a snicker.

 ---

 Foggy was picking out all the mushrooms from his take-out box and stuffing them in Matt’s when the long-awaited call came.

Both he and Matt addressed Matt’s phone buzzing across the coffee table.

“Mike. Mike. Mike,” It rattled.

Matt let it vibrate its way off the table and onto the carpet.

“To answer or not to answer,” he asked it, still buzzing away on the carpet.

“Not to answer,” Foggy said.

Matt cocked his head towards it, then shrugged and turned around to go back to picking through his box for newly-acquired fungus treats.

 --

 Foggy’s phone was next and they put both of the phones in a bowl so that they could vibe together while their owners appreciated all that was West Side Story.

 --

 It was about midnight when the front door rattled in its frame. Foggy snapped awake and wiped the drool off the corner of his mouth. Matt asked him if West Side Story was supposed to be about Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet.

“You can’t tell?” Foggy asked him in disbelief.

Mike shouted at them to open the damn door, you traitors.

“I mean, I thought I could, but the girl always seems to die, so I’m trying to figure out if there’s a gender switch thing going on here,” Matt said.

“Matt, first of all, this was the 60s. So no. Just. No. Not even wishful thinking could have made this movie that deep in the 60s. And second, Ophelia drowns herself. Is Maria drowning herself?” Foggy asked him.

“Well, no. But maybe there’s a metaphor happening. Maybe she’s drowning in emotions,” Matt said.

Mike informed them through the door that they weren’t cute or funny and he would wake up Mrs. Rodriguez and all of the fucking neighbors if he had to.

“I guess we should answer,” Matt finally hummed.

“Or?” Foggy tried.

“I’m answering,” Matt sighed.

Foggy moaned and flopped back onto the couch.

“We were doing so well,” he lamented.

Matt huffed a laugh and finally opened the door, only to hit the floor moments later when Mike collapsed on top of him.

Mike shoved himself up first. Matt shoved a hand against his jaw and pushed him back further, as any good sibling would.

“Who is she?” Mike slurred around the shoving.

“Who? Karen?” Matt asked. “I told you: our third partner.”

“You’re lying,” Mike gritted out, dislodging the hand and then trying to catch the wrist of the other one as it came to take the first’s place.’

“You ain’t said she was the Punisher’s gal,” he growled.

“I ain’t said shit,” Matt told him. “You’re the one waltzin’ in and tryin’ to steal my friends. Go get your own.”

“It’s more convenient to take yours,” Mike growled. “That guy’s batshit.”

“Amen to that,” Matt said, taking back his hand and wriggling out from under his brother.

“You coulda at least warned me,” Mike pouted as he sat up on his heels in Matt’s absence.

“You don’t deserve it,” Matt sniffed. “I don’t got anything for you. So you can sit there like a putz or you can watch Maria crying over whatshisface.”

“Man tried to shoot me in the ass and you’re here fussin’ over fuckin’ Maria, Matty? Where’s your family honor?” Mike demanded.

Matt stared over his shoulder.

“Maria or putz,” he repeated.

“I ain’t a putz. I was just nearly murdered,” Mike said. “Come on, man. I’m just trying to—”

“Maria or putz,” Matt repeated with no room for argument.

Mike groaned.

“Fine. Maria,” he relented.

“Don’t talk over her,” Matt stipulated.

“I won’t talk over her,” Mike sighed.

Matt lit up.

“Great. I’ll go get the first aid kit,” he said cheerfully.

Mike and Foggy watched him hurry off.

“This wouldn’t have happened if you’d just said yes, Fogs,” Mike said.

Foggy hummed.

“I’m not suited for criminal life, Michael,” he said. “You’re just gonna have to try again later.”

“Oh, I will,” Mike told him. “You ain’t seen the last of me.”

[nerdypinupcrystal]

Every Breath You Take Chapter 9: Girls Night

I’m BAAAAACK! I’m so sorry for taking forever to update, guys. I had so much going on; school and work back to back, I seriously get no days off! My aunt was in the hospital for a month, but she’s okay now. And I was also hit with the dreaded writers block.  But I’m finally here with a new chapter, it’s a fun lengthy one, I hope you guys enjoy it!

Masterlist

Chapter 9: Girls Night

After our talk in Matt’s apartment, he walked me back to my place to rest, obviously noticing how drained the talk left me. With one more lingering, spine tingling kiss, he walked back to his apartment with the promise to see me later. 

I called Lucy to invite her to have a  sleepover with me. This day of honesty has encouraged me to want to open up to my new “best friend” as Lucy fondly titled herself. 

I slept the day away until a knock on the door woke me up. I reached for my phone to check the time. My eyes widened with disbelief at reading the large bright numbers on the screen. 6:15 PM 

Holy shit that talk really did drain me!

The knocking continued until I heard a familiar voice through the door. 

“Iris, open up! The strippers are getting restless!” Lucy yelled impatiently. 

I let out a snort of laughter as I made my way towards the door, opening it to reveal my quirky best friend wearing a yellow dress and carrying a green stuffed animal with little tentacles in its face. 

“Good evening, Miss. Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior Cthulhu?” Lucy asked, sounding every bit like a missionary. 

“I was under the impression you brought strippers with you.” I replied, arching one brow up as I patiently waited for her response. 

“They got impatient and went back to Chippendales. Now you get Cthulhu.” She responded as she thrust the green stuffed Cthulhu doll into my hands. “He like praises, occasional human sacrifices, and cuddles.”

I giggled as I held the stuffed monster like a baby. “Thank you, I’ll do my best.” I opened the door wider for her, “You may enter if you dare.”

“Thank you, kind gentlewoman.” Lucy replied with a curtsy. She stepped inside carrying a medium sized overnight bag on her shoulder, but surprised me with the tall pink train case she rolled in behind her. 

“Please don’t tell me you have luggage for Cthulhu.” I pleaded, my brows furrowed in slight worry. 

Lucy was quick to respond. “Nope! I came prepared with some essentials.”

She unlocked each compartment of the large case and proceeded to open and separate the case. Each compartment, to my amazement, revealed an assortment of pastries and desserts from the bakery. The top compartment had a protective container filled with a variety of cupcakes; the second compartment held a wide selection of French macarons, truffles,and fruit tarts; and the third compartment held various cronuts, puff pastry treats, and dulce de leche cookies. 

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head at all the sweets. “Holy shit, Luce! There’s no way we’re gonna finish all of this tonight!”

“Oh don’t be silly!” She replied as she started handing me the desserts to put in the fridge. “Some of this can be our breakfast too. Maybe you can even take some over to Matt.” Lucy wiggled her eyebrows at me with a smirk. 

I blushed at the thought of Matt, my lips still tingling from our kiss this morning. 

“And besides,” Lucy continued, interrupting my thoughts. “You haven’t seen the best part. Guaranteed to hype up that appetite.”

With that, she opened the bottom largest compartment. Revealing six bottles of Stella Rosa wine. 

“Three for you, three for me!” Lucy exclaimed in excitement as she pulled out the bottles and set them on the counter. 

“Holy shit.” I said, too speechless to say anything else. But then I realized to my dismay, “I don’t have a corkscrew.” 

Lucy, being the ultimate problem solver replied. “No worries, I have one on my keychain.” She held up said keychain in all its pink bedazzled glory. 

“Always prepared.” I spoke with admiration. 

“Never know when you’re gonna need it. My sister and I learned that in Girl Scouts.” Lucy replied as she uncorked one of the bottles. 

My eyebrows raised in surprise, “They taught you about corkscrews?”

“My mom was our scout leader, she insisted. But enough about that,” She thrust the open bottle to my hands as she opened a second bottle. “Let’s drink.”

“Shouldn’t we get some wine glasses?” I asked perplexed. 

Lucy scoffed. “Sweetie, please. We’re ladies. We drink straight from the bottle.” I let out a laugh as I put the rest of the bottles in the fridge to chill. “Now let’s sit down, drink up, and talk about what’s going on with you.”

We got to the couch, I took a healthy gulp of the wine and told her everything. 

She took it pretty well. 

“I’m gonna fuckin kill him.” Lucy growled as we both wiped our tears. “I’m gonna fly out to Miami, and kill him to death!”

I let out a snort of laughter. “How do you kill someone to death?”

“Oh there are ways.” Lucy was quick to reply. “I can get quite creative when the inspiration hits me.”

“I don’t doubt that for a second,” I chuckled. “But I just got away from him and I hate the idea of you being in the same room as him. What he did to me was horrible enough. The thought of him doing anything to you or anyone else I care about terrifies me.” I felt a chill of fear go up my spine just saying it. 

Lucy frowned in sympathy and pulled me into a comforting embrace. “Hey now, get that thought out of your mind. He’s thousands of miles away back in Miami. We’re in New York. You changed your look, it’s a huge city, and he thinks you’re dead. And most importantly, you’re not alone anymore. You have me, and two adorable kick ass lawyers that will fight for you. Especially Matt.” Lucy finished with a wink. 

My cheeks reddened at the thought of my sweet, gorgeous neighbor. “That’s a pretty valid point.”

“Does he know?” Lucy asked. 

I nodded. “Yeah, I told him this morning before I called you.”

“How did he take it?”

I hesitated before I answered. “Better than I thought. At first, though, he was silent. I guess he was processing everything, but I was so sure he hated me.” Lucy looked confused before I elaborated. “For lying. For running away from my problems like a coward.”

“Oh sweetie, you’re not a coward!” Lucy exclaimed, her eyes meeting mine. “You were being abused, you were alone and scared! You said yourself that cops couldn’t help you. It would’ve gotten even worse the longer you stayed. You did what you had to do, and on top of that, you snuck out to move your mom and faked her death to protect her even though you knew that you were gonna get hurt for disappearing like that. That took a lot of guts, you must know that by now.”

I nodded shakily, fighting the tears threatening to shed. “I do now. Matt said as much himself.”

Lucy’s face brightened. “See? That man is as smart as he is gorgeous...”

“And kissable.” I muttered as I took a sip of my wine. 

Lucy continued, “Just like my Foggy- time the fuck out!” 

My eyes widened at the sudden outburst. “What?”

“You kissed Matt?!” She asked excitedly. 

“Oh, yeah, I did.” I replied with a timid smile, my cheeks flushing into a rosy pink. 

Lucy could barely contain her composure, her hands were flailing and her body jumping from excitement. She shot up off the couch and rushed to the fridge, returning with the container of cupcakes before going back to the fridge to grab two more bottles of wine. She gingerly sat back on the couch, her legs folded like a kid eager for story time. 

“Okay, I’m ready! Tell me everything.” She begged with glee. 

Exasperated, I shook my head and replied. “Luce, there isn’t that much to tell. It wasn’t hot and heavy, it was sweet and tender during a vulnerable moment.” 

“You say there isn’t much to tell, but I don’t care. Tell me about it anyway!” Lucy exclaimed impatiently. “Finish your first bottle and we can share all the dirty fantasies about our guys.” Her eyebrows wiggled suggestively as she nudged my open bottle towards me. 

“Luce!” I laughed out. “I don’t really talk about this kind of stuff.”

“Oh you will,” Lucy stated. “Now sip sip.”

30 minutes, one and a half bottles of wine later….

“Matt’s so fuckin beautiful, it’s unfair!” I cried out dramatically, fully feeling the effects of the sweet wine. Lucy giggling like a drunk hyena as I continued. 

“Like, he’s so sweet and precious with that smile made of sunshine, but he’s also sexy as fuck with that body- oh God, that body! I’ve bumped into him like a billion times, he even caught me in his arms once, and sweet baby Jesus that man is pure muscle! I wanna play with it like a jungle gym. Like every time I look at him...I feel it in my bones,” My eyes welled up with drunk tears, “I know his dick is big, I know it! I know it’s big! Oh God, my heart hurts!” 

I was full on sobbing as I bit into my fifth or tenth cupcake. 

Lucy was no better off than I was. She was on the brink of tears as she hugged me sympathetically. “My poor, sweet, thirsty flower child needs to get Murdocked so bad.”

“I really do!” I replied as I wiped my tears. “I’ve never had an orgasm and I really really wanna know what one feels like before I die of old age or something.”

“You what?!” Lucy exclaimed with and inhuman sounding gasp of breath. “How have you never had an orgasm?!”

I rolled my eyes and took a huge gulp of wine. “I was a virgin when I met Paul. He insisted we wait until after the wedding to make it more ‘special’. And the whole time during our honeymoon, it was uncomfortable and kinda hurt like hell, but he was a little gentle with me.” My mood began to dampen as I went on, “When he showed his true colors, he stopped being gentle. He took what he wanted and I just laid there and let him. It was better if I didn’t fight.”

I took another gulp of wine as Lucy processed everything. “Could he be any more of an asshole?!” She yelled in disgust. “If he has to be so controlling that he doesn’t care whether or not you cum, then he’s probably shit in bed anyway.” 

I nodded in agreement, “That actually makes so much sense. He’s…..” I hesitated for a second. 

Come on, girl. Say what you want about him. He’s not here to stop you. 

I stood up on the couch, holding my bottle up high and proudly cried out, “Paul Burney is a fuckin asshole! I hate him with every inch of my body, and I deserve a better man that will give me all the love and orgasms I want!”

“Fuckin A, babydoll!” Lucy cheered as she clumsily stood up on the couch alongside me, holding her own bottle up high as she pledged, “Love and orgasms for us! A lifetime of STDs and...um...unlubed anal for Paul!”

I laughed so hard, I couldn’t control the sudden spray of wine from my mouth. I collapsed onto the couch, struggling to breathe through my drunken laughter. 

“What the fuck?” I managed to ask. 

Lucy hopped off the couch to sit back down. “It’ll be my birthday present to you.”

“My birthday isn’t until October.” I replied. 

Lucy’s eyes widened in excitement. “Ooh only two months away then! What day? I wanna start planning now.”

I snorted in amusement as I replied. “The 31st. “

Lucy looked almost ready to have a heart attack. “NO WAY!!! Your birthday is on Halloween?!” She waved her hands ecstatically. “Halloween is my Christmas! And you get to have it for your birthday! That’s so cool!! It must’ve been so fun celebrating it.”

My smile dimmed. “It was when I was with my mom. When I got married, I didn’t get to celebrate either holiday anymore. Paul doesn’t like celebrating holidays, especially Halloween. He finds them childish.” 

I looked down at my feet in shame, hating myself for letting him control me for so long. Lucy’s smile dropped; her face turned red, either from anger or the wine, or possibly both. She shook her head in disgust, relaxing her face back into a smile. 

“Well he’s not here, and this is a new start for you, right?” I nodded for her to continue. “So it’s decided. I’m throwing you the spookiest, most epic Halloween birthday party ever! Costumes, Halloween themed birthday cake, booze, candy, the works! What do you say, birthday ghoul?”

Lucy wasn’t prepared for me to pounce onto her into an attack hug, she let out a yelp as the impact caused us to fall off the couch and onto the floor. She giggled hysterically as I peppered her face with drunken kisses. 

“I take that as a yes?” She asked with excitement. 

“Can we make jack-o-lanterns?” I asked, my eyes widened with childlike glee. 

“Are you kidding? That’s gonna be the first thing we do, of course we can make them!” Lucy replied happily. “We’ll have a day at the pumpkin patch, ooh and I’m sure there’s a corn maze out there too. This is gonna be so much fun!” She clapped with excitement. 

I was too drunk to keep any ounce of composure, l squealed and kicked my feet in the air like I just didn’t care. Then a thought occurred to me. 

“Do you think Matt and Foggy would wanna join us? Would they even be into that sort of thing?” I asked, starting to feel a smidge of doubt. 

Lucy gave my hair a gentle tug. “If they’re as into us as I’m pretty positive they are, then they’ll totally wanna join in. You can find out when you see Matt tomorrow.” She replied with a wink. “Besides, you pretty much have to be a soulless asshole to not wanna celebrate Halloween- let alone someone’s birthday!”

“Well, that explains Paul.”

Lucy scoffed. “Fuck that dumpster fire of a human being with something hard and sandpapery.”

I let out a snort of laughter, “Oh Luce, you have such a way with words.”

Lucy grinned with pride. “It’s a talent. However speaking of assholes…” 

I caught her finger before it had the chance to poke at my bruised cheek. 

“Who’s the asshole that hurt your cheek? What the Hell happened? Tell me everything!”

My clouded brain didn’t understand what she was talking about, until a certain sexy vigilante in black pajamas flashed through my mind. 

“Oh my god, I totally forgot about that!” I exclaimed. “I had a crazy night last night.” 

“Well don’t leave me in suspense, Woman! What happened???” Lucy asked impatiently. 

I sat up before I started my tale of the night before. “So, I didn’t go home after seeing you. I needed to go somewhere to breathe. And while I was out, I made some new friends. Like this nurse who I ended up spilling my guts to about my situation, and she gave me a checkup. Her name’s Claire, very cool chick, she gets a free treat from the bakery, I can’t wait for you to meet her. Oh and I met this super cool group of musicians and jammed with them at Guitar Center, they’re my own band of gypsies, you’ll love them!” Focus, girl. “Anywho, I was walking home and it was dark. Then this dirty creepy guy dragged me down an alley. My dumb ass thought it was Paul, but nope, I was just being mugged. I tried to get away, but he threw me against the wall, which caused this,” I gestured to the bruised scrape in my cheek. “He started groping me and wanted to do other stuff to me,” I shivered at the memory. “But then, out of nowhere, this guy shows up, throws the mugger off me, and beats the mad shit out of him!”

“No way!” Lucy exclaimed as she sat up facing me. “Who was it?! Ooh was it one of the Avengers?”

I shrugged, “I don’t think so. Do any of the Avengers dress in head to toe black and fight like some kind of sexy acrobatic ninja?” 

Lucy let out a dramatic gasp. “Oh my god, you lucky bitch! You got rescued by Daredevil!”

“Who?” I asked, not familiar with the name. 

“Oh that’s right, you haven’t lived here long enough to be familiar with him. He’s our local vigilante, also known as the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen. He’s been around for about a year now, I think, trying to clean the streets of criminals and scumbags with some epic ass kicking from what I’ve heard. And you got rescued by him!” Lucy finished excitedly. 

I sat there in disbelief. I couldn’t believe that not only did someone care enough to save my life, but that it was by an apparently famous crime fighter. 

“What happened after that?” Lucy asked. “Did he talk to you? Or did he disappear mysteriously into the night?” She finished with a dramatic whisper. 

I blushed as I remembered how close and intimate my moment with the masked man felt. 

“He spoke to me…” I trailed off. 

“And????” Lucy asked impatiently. 

She wasn’t going to let it go until I told her, so I let out a sigh and continued. “He asked me if I was okay. He got really close to me, he touched my cheek…” I felt my heart race remembering his touch. “It felt so intimate. Like he really genuinely cared about me. Like he wanted to hold me, you know?” Lucy dreamily nodded as I continued. “He told me to go home and be safe. I thanked him, and then he was gone.”

Lucy sighed. “That sounds so romantic. Having your own superhero to keep you safe. What a dream!”

I couldn’t help but agree. “He certainly got my heart racing, that’s for sure.”

“I heard he has a killer body under those black pajamas.” Lucy pointed out. “How did it look? And most importantly, did you check out his ass?” She asked, causing me to almost choke on my wine. 

“Oh my god, Luce, warn a girl next time!” She simply shrugged. “And seriously? I was in danger. I saw him beat up that creep who wanted to hurt me!”

Lucy’s excitement deflated , “You’re right, I’m sorry-”

“Of course I checked out his ass!” I cut her off. “I’m not stupid! If my life was about to end, I needed something good to look at.”

Lucy let out an excited giggle. “And how was it?”

“Round and juicy, like a perfect peach. If I were to rate it, I’d give it two palms up.” I replied, holding my hands palm side up with a grabbing motion; causing Lucy and I to burst into hysterical laughter. 

“You’ll have to get a good grip on that peach the next time you see him.” Lucy wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. 

I snorted, “Groping a vigilante? Oh yeah, I see that working out well. He’ll probably have me arrested!”

Lucy shrugged, “You know a couple hot lawyers that’ll defend you.”

Matt. 

The thought of him instantly sobered me up. 

“Fuck, how could I have forgotten about Matt? I shouldn’t be thinking these things about some masked stranger! What’s wrong with me?” I asked, frustrated with myself. 

Lucy seemed unfazed by my thoughts. “Don’t worry about that. He won’t mind.”

“What makes you say that?” I looked at her in slight confusion. 

Lucy’s eyes widened as she took a huge gulp of wine. She hesitated for a second before replying. “Maybe...he’s into kinky shit and would be open to a sexy three way. Then you really would be the luckiest bitch in the world!”

I just barely swallowed my wine before cracking up. “I don’t think Matt and I are at that stage of our relationship to talk about that kind of stuff yet. We haven’t even really talked about what we are yet. And besides, I doubt he’s into threesomes and stuff like that anyway.”

Don’t act like the thought didn’t cross your mind. I shrugged at my thoughts. 

“Hey, don’t rule it out,” Lucy insisted. “Just because he’s blind and catholic, doesn’t mean he’s not kinky as hell. In fact, he’s probably very adventurous indeed.” She finished with a wink. 

I rolled my eyes and replied, “I’ll keep that in mind, you weirdo.”

“Dancing!” Lucy exclaimed out of nowhere, immediately changing the subject. “We have to have dancing at your party! Ooh the Time Warp is a must, remind me that we seriously need to go out for a Rocky Horror night, by the way. Ooh we can do the rockabilly stroll! That’ll be a fun and easy dance to do.”

“What’s the rockabilly stroll?” I asked once Luce stopped to take a breath. 

She immediately jumped up and ran for her bag. She pulled out a portable speaker and her phone. A moment later, rockabilly music filled the air. Lucy grabbed my hands, yanking me to my feet. 

“You’re gonna learn today.” She declared before my new dance lessons began. 

The rest of the night was spent dancing, eating, drinking, and leaving all my troubles behind. 

Next Morning 

I woke up the next morning expecting a killer hangover despite Lucy making me take some aspirin and orange juice before passing out, but no such hangover occurred. I wanted to go back to sleep, sure, but thankfully there was no splitting headache from all that wine. 

The smell of coffee brewing prevented me from falling back asleep. I slowly started to rise up from the scattered pillows and tangled blanket on the...floor?

I guess we were too tired or too hammered to make it to the bed. 

“Rise and shine, Ginger!” Lucy called out from the kitchen. 

I forced myself up and clumsily stumbled towards the kitchen. Lucy stood at the counter wide awake and perked full of energy. 

“How are you so full of energy?” I groggily asked her. 

“High metabolism and an iron liver. I get that from my mama.” Lucy replied with a cheeky grin. “How do you take your coffee, my sleepy ginger snap?”

“Sweeter than Matt’s smile.” I replied dreamily, still half asleep. 

“What was that?” Lucy replied with a chuckle. 

“More cream and sugar than coffee.” I clarified, blushing at the realization of what I said. 

Lucy complied, handing me my fresh cup. “One sweet ass coffee for one thirsty ass lady.”

“Thanks, darling.” I replied, drinking the coffee. “So what time are we opening the bakery today?”

“Well I think we can get away with opening up shop a little later today. The boss is pretty lenient.” She winked. “So we can take our time getting more awake and ready for the day.”

“Sounds like a great plan.” I readily agreed. “I love my boss.”

“Love ya too, doll.” Lucy replied with a wink. “But first thing’s first.” She made her way to the fridge. “You’re gonna brush your teeth, get dressed, and take some goodies over to the handsome Mr. Murdock.”

“You don’t mind if I leave you behind for a few minutes?” I asked, not wanting to be rude to my friend. 

Lucy put that worry to rest. “Don’t worry about me. I might take advantage of your shower if you don’t mind?”

“Knock yourself out. I’m just gonna freshen up real quick.” I replied as I raced to my room to change and brush my teeth as well as my birds nest-looking hair. 

I was ready in no time; I rushed over to the kitchen where Lucy had just finished putting together a container full of pastries for me to take. 

Lucy looked at me knowingly. “Wow, someone is eager to get Murdocked.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, you perv.” I replied innocently as I reached for the container. “Thanks for putting this together, Luce. I think I’ll bring him some coffee too. I think he’ll appreciate that.”

“Aww that’s so sweet!” Lucy gushed. She grabbed her overnight bag and pulled out a small stack of to-go coffee cups and lids. “Here, take one of these. Last thing we need is a coffee accident.”

“Thanks, Mary Poppins. You seem to carry everything!” I exclaimed. 

Lucy scoffed. “Sweetie, Mary Poppins has nothing on me. Now go get your Murdock fix!” She started nudging me out the door. “I want details!” She finished with a slam of the door. 

I shook my head with a giggle as I walked over next door. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as I raised my hand to knock on Matt’s door. 

The door opened after the first knock, revealing Matt, who was looking absolutely sinful in a black suit and tie. His beautiful eyes were already covered by those familiar red sunglasses. 

“Morning, Matt!” I greeted cheerfully, feeling more awake in his presence. 

“Good morning to you too, Iris.” He replied, flashing that gorgeous smile I love so much. “You sound better today.”

“I feel better today.” I replied, the memory of our kiss causing me to blush. 

Matt opened the door wider. “Would you like to come in? I have to leave soon, but I can definitely spare a few minutes for you.” He finished with a wink, causing my organs to bounce. 

I cleared my throat before I could get lost in my dirty thoughts. 

“Why thank you, don’t mind if I do.” I replied with a slight curtsy before entering the apartment. Matt smirked as if he could see my gesture. 

“How are you?” He asked as he closed the door, moving towards me. “I know yesterday had taken a lot out of you. Are you okay?”

He lifted his hand to my shoulder, giving me instant warmth at his thoughtfulness. 

“I am.” I replied with a smile. “For the first time in a long time, I really am.” I leaned up to kiss those sweet lips of his, which he eagerly and gently gave back in kind. “Thank you for listening. And for accepting me and the truth.”

Matt smiled as he caressed my cheek. “Anytime. Thank you for trusting me. I know it wasn’t easy.”

“It wasn’t.” I agreed. “But it feels better to not have to keep this to myself anymore.  I even called Lucy over to tell her.” 

I looked down at the goodies in my hands and remembered the initial reason I was there. 

“And speaking of which, she brought over practically half the treats from the bakery, and I thought you might like some for breakfast. You can maybe share some with Foggy if you want.” I gently nudged the container into his hands. 

Matt’s smile was priceless. “Thank you so much, Iris. That’s so thoughtful of you. Foggy will appreciate this for sure.” He then sniffed the air. “Is that coffee I smell?”

“Yup!” I replied, carefully placing the hot cup in his hands. “I thought you could use a pick-me-up.”

“Wow, thank you! You’re a goddess.” He sighed appreciatively as he smelled the coffee. 

I blushed at the comment, “It’s no problem. I don’t remember how you take your coffee, so I left it black.”

“I actually do take it black, so you did perfectly.” He praised. He took a sip, letting out a soft moan, giving me goosebumps. “Thank you so much, you saved me from having to make some myself.”

“Anytime.” I replied. “I’m happy to help.”

Matt smiled back; he was about to speak, but he was cut off by a robotic voice calling out “Foggy. Foggy. Foggy.”

Letting out a huff he pulled his phone out of his pocket. “I’m sorry, Iris, can you give me just a second?” 

“Of course, go ahead.” I assured him as he answered the phone. 

“Hey, Foggy.” Matt greeted. 

I couldn’t hear what Foggy was saying, but from Matt’s expression, I would guess Foggy was getting impatient. 

“I know, I’m sorry I’m running late. I overslept.” He explained. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He tightened his grip on the container of pastries in his hand. He continued with a smirk, “And I’m even bringing breakfast. Courtesy of our favorite ladies.”

I felt my face flush even redder at the comment. Matt had to have known how he was affecting me, his smirk grew with a chuckle. Either at me or at what Foggy was saying, I have no idea. 

“Okay. I’ll be there soon.” He finished before hanging up. 

“I take it this is your cue to go?” I asked, already knowing the answer. 

Matt nodded apologetically. “Yeah.  I’d rather stay, to be honest, but we’re meeting a client today, and we have to prepare for that.”

I immediately felt guilty. “Oh god, Matt, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you late.”

Matt tilted my chin up to look at him. “Hey, don’t ever apologize for coming by. You’re a very welcome distraction.” 

Our noses touched oh so softly, only a breath between our lips. My heart pounded in my ears, I think even Matt could hear it. 

This man will be the death of me. But what a way to go. 

The logical part of me should back away before we get carried away. But the aroused part of me wanted to keep going. 

I gave in and eagerly pressed my lips against his, feeling lighter than air. I could feel Matt’s hand lightly grasp the back of my neck, his fingers combed through my hair as he held me closer to him. My hands clawed at his back, trying to get him even closer. 

I felt the tip of Matt’s tongue at the seam of my lips, begging for entry. I let out an eager gasp in response, I softly began to greet his tongue with mine….

“Foggy. Foggy. Foggy. Fog-”

Letting out a groan of frustration, Matt broke apart from our kiss and answered the phone while still holding me close to him. 

“What, Foggy?” Matt asked through clenched teeth. 

The deep growl sent thrilling chills up my spine. Why does it sound so familiar?

“I knew it!” Foggy yelled on the other end, which I could hear loud and clear this time. “Get your tongue out of Iris’s throat, and get your ass over here!”

Foggy hung up before Matt could even respond. 

We both let out a sigh of disappointment, Matt leaning his forehead against mine. 

“I guess you really have to go this time, huh?” I asked dejectedly. 

“I don’t want to, but he’ll hunt me down if I don’t.” He replied with a half hearted chuckle. “May I walk you back to your door?”

I giggled back, “Of course. Don’t forget the container. You’re gonna need those pastries to calm him down.”

Matt chuckled again, “You might be right about that. Though I think we’ll have to stop by the bakery so he can see Lucy in order for him to forgive me.” 

“That can be arranged.” I replied as we made our way out the door. 

He locked the door just as I noticed something was missing. “Oh Matt, you forgot your coffee.”

He turned to me with a smirk. “It’s okay. I already had my pick-me-up.”

Damn he’s smooth. 

“You’re incorrigible.” I responded, flushing as red as a tomato. 

“And you’re irresistible.” Matt replied with a wink as he held my hand. 

“And you’re running late.” I replied back, trying to control my racing heart. 

Our short walk ended as we stopped in front of my door, our hands still clasped together. 

“You’re right,” He said, sounding disappointed once again about leaving. “Thank you for stopping by. It really made my morning.”

I grinned. “Anytime.” Then I decided to continue my bold streak. “In fact, would you like to come over for dinner tonight? We could whip something up in the kitchen together, it’ll be fun.”

I felt unreasonably nervous waiting for his answer. 

You just soft core made out with the man in his apartment. I don’t think he’s gonna say “no”.

Matt smiled sweetly and replied, “I’d love to. What time should I come over?”

“How about 6:00?” I asked. Lucy won’t mind letting me off before then. 

“Perfect.” He replied. “Want me to bring anything?”

“Just yourself.” I said, not wanting to let go of his hand. “Are you craving for anything in particular?”

I know what I’m craving for. 

Matt smirked as if he heard my thoughts and replied, “How about we bake some dessert for dinner?” His calloused fingers lightly caressed my hand. “I’m suddenly craving for something sweet.”

I suddenly felt hot enough to break a sweat, and my rapidly beating heart certainly didn’t help.  Keep it together. 

“Okay,” Why did I sound so breathless? I cleared my throat before continuing. “I’ll think of something for us to make. I’ll see you tonight?”

“Looking forward to it.” He said as he leaned down to leave a soft, lingering kiss on my lips. “See you tonight.”

“Bye.” I whispered, biting my lip to try to hold back my bashful grin. 

I could faintly hear Lucy’s footsteps shuffling quickly away from the other side of the door. Matt had an amused grin on his face as he turned away and walked towards the elevator. 

I drifted through the doorway of my apartment like I was floating on a cloud. Even Lucy’s knowing smirk couldn’t distract me from the excitement tonight will surely bring. 

                         ------------------------------------------------------

A/N: And that was chapter 9!!! I hope it was worth the wait and that you loved the bonding between Iris and Lucy. I love them so much! And Matt...*sigh* he makes my heart sing! I hope y’all liked it, please be sure to follow me, reblog and leave a comment telling me what you think. Your comments truly make my day! Well that’s all for now and I’ll do my best not to take forever on the next chapter. Until next time...*kiss noise*

@jobean12-blog @cametobuyplums @tomhollandeu @writeyourmindaway @annavega333 @lullabylike @persephone-of-tartaros @emilymarie0422 @andrasta14

[lovesoakedd]

ooh what are you studying? im a med student, in my last year. im planning to do a masters of pharmacy and maybe psychology or education, i havent decided what ill double up on.

my timezone is in hell so eid was technically yesterday for me, we go to the prayer in the park then buy flowers for everyone, and visit my grandparents for breakfast and then all the aunts. one of my aunts lives across the road from a mcdonalds, so naturally the most important tradition we have is spending our eid money there. and then we watch a movie and uber maccas again when we get home. what do you do for eid?

daredevil is pretty good, i got into it mostly bc ive read a couple comics, and matt murdock is THEE most ridiculous character ever. i love him so much in a very, im holding him by the scruff of his neck and making him take a shower. blorbo emotions. its abt a blind lawyer who is a vigilante on the side, and is determined to singlehandedly take down an entire criminal empire all by himself. its really funny when u get into the other defenders bc like. jessica jones has super stength. luke cage is bulletproof. danny rand has whatever tf he has going on. and then matt is just there,,, his super power is catholic guilt and intense rage. mf has two sticks and ends up in garbage bins more often than he probably should. hes like a damn cockroach, he just doesnt seem to die.

i just fuckin love superheroes u dont understand i am holding myself back from going off into a tangent. esp street level heroes, they have a completely different vibe than like, bigshot heroes such as iron man or even a lot of the dc heroes.

if ur interested, theres a fic series i recommend to everyone based around team red (thats spiderman, daredevil, and deadpool) which is a. super long and will entertain you for ages bc its broken up into digestible parts and b. absolutely hilarious. its like, what if marvel was actually good. the iteration that author created of all the characters is chefs kiss, amazing.

im gonna shut myself up rip, ill talk to you soon <33

- z

omg, wow, that's so interesting! what do you enjoy about medicine? that is so cool that you're planning on doing your masters too! those all sound like really good options of what to go into. and my program is English! also thinking of adding History as a minor since I love it

this is so sweet omg. I love that you guys do prayer in the fast and do such a sweet gesture by giving flowers to everyone. it just sounds so comforting and cozy, how you and your family have all these traditions and spend so much time eating and hanging out together. for me, I unfortunately couldn't do much for Eid because my Wifi had just started back up and I had an assignment due that day that I hadn't been able to work on LMAO. but, usually, we try to get together with my aunt, one of our only relatives sharing the city with us. and my father wants to host something in our neighbourhood for Eid, where people (neighbours, relatives, family friends, etc.) will come by and we feed them and spend time with them.

omg that sounds so fucking cool! like, the entire concept of a lawyer who also simultaneously is taking down an entire criminal empire sounds do cool. and I love ridiculous characters, it's so easy to root for them omg. aksjkajs "catholic guilt and intense rage," LMAO. I really like when there's a group and all of them have an individual power and something they bring to the table.

you can totally go on a tangent! it's so cool that you're so into them and passionate about them! my sibling is the same about certain superheroes. I honestly don't know much about them, but I have friends who adore them. what do you like most about street level heroes? are they heroes that, like, are working in a specific spot as opposed to, like, saving the whole world?

you can totally send me the fic! even if I'm not a part of the fandom, I always appreciate a good, funny fic, hehe. I'll even send it to my friend who is really into Marvel!

(also, you don't need to shut yourself up! love that you're so into it)

[deniigi]

There’s a tornado coming towards my town and we’re all huddled in shelters. Got anything lying around to distract me?

I sure fucking do now!

I’ll give you two, here’s the first under the cut. I wrote it today, it’s basically Matthew Murdock’s Steps for How to Make a Family:

How to Make a Family

By Matt Murdock

Step 1. Have a dad.

Step 2. Lose your dad. Bemiserable. Great job, everyone. We’re doing amazing so far.

Step 3. Attempt to find areplacement dad.

Step 4. Fail abysmally.Like, make that shit stunning. Literally ruin your life for the rest of alleternity. Make yourself physically unlovable by all potential foster families,church members, and living humans. Don’t worry if you get tripped up by thisstep, you can repeat this one as many times as it takes for you to learn agoddamn lesson, but be equally warned: you will not learn that goddamn lesson.

Step 5. Go to law schoolbecause fuck it, why the hell not?

Step 6: fall in stupid,hopeless love with your roommate

Step 7: do not account forthe fact that the roommate maybe loves you back. Fuck no. REPRESS. THAT. SHIT.

Step 8. No longer repressthat shit. Accept the roommate. Embrace the roommate. Maybe drunkenly kiss theroommate and then make extraordinarily poor decisions with the roommateinvolving, at least at first, truly horrendous sex on a twin-sized bed.

Step 9. Meet your soulmatein the form of a tiny, angry woman set up to ruin your life by the first faileddad figure.

Step 10. Do not commit murder.

Step 11. Wave goodbye toyour soulmate and sob helplessly on your roommate. Don’t worry. Roomie ain’tgoing anywhere. Cling to this because it is the only thing you’ve got going foryou for the next three years.

Step 12. Have a fuckloadof casual and unhealthy relationships.

Step 13. Graduate.Accidently make a nemesis out of your roommate’s girlfriend who knows more thanhe does and possibly you do that you would do anything to be with the roommate.Including steal him from a perfectly respectable internship with a perfectlyrespectable job offer at the end of it.

Step 14. Set up a lawfirm.

Step 15. Acquire a client.This is family member #2. You will now kill for her. Congratulations.

Step 16. Attempt tosemi-murder some Russians

Step 17. Get found by yourroommate!!

Step 18. Get abandoned byyour roommate!! Well done, everyone, we are back down to one family member.Let’s hope nothing bad happens to them!!

Step 19. Get re-found byyour roommate!! Attempt to make up. Lie a lot about being better and morehonest in future. That’ll show ‘em.

Step 20. Become aterrorist?? Maybe skip this step if possible.

Step 21. Make anintentional nemesis of the Punisher. Congratulations! You have found familymember #3! It doesn’t matter if you don’t fucking want him, he’s yours now,baby!

Step 22. Ruin everyone inyour family’s lives with a botched trial! Break up with the Roommate. Cut tieswith family member #2. Do not fuck her.

Step 23. Re-kindle yoursexual relationship with your soulmate. Oh, by the way, she’s back. We’re goingto call her family member #4 now, ‘cause she’s harder to kill than a fuckingcockroach.

Step 24. Make the mistakeof allowing The Punisher (nemesis) and the soulmate to join forces.

Step 25: Just fuckingmurder your soulmate. Do it, you coward. Yeah, suffer them consequences, youpiece of shit.

Step 26. Get smashed. Getangry. Go out and nigh-eviscerate some folks. Don’t worry, you’ve got a couplemonths for this step/spiral.

Step 27. Trip over theSpider. Menace him. Say it’s his fault. Ignore all apologies and tell theSpider to get and keep the fuck out of your city or else. That’ll fix him.

Step 28. Go on anotherbender. Drink too much. Forget to eat. It’s fine, you’re not alone, you’llalways have the Devil to talk to.

Step 29. Accidently kickthe Spider in the head. Realize now that the Spider is approximately 12 yearsold and you just kicked him in the fucking head. Holy fuck, you fucking disgrace.You fucking child abuser. You are no better from your sensei, not evenan iota.

Step 30. Feel bad.

Step 31. Go on, you ain’tdone yet. I’ll tell you when to fucking stop.

Step 32. Orchestrateanother trip over the Spider. Do it gently this time. Make the same kind offuss but, when his voice does the horrible wavering thing, clear yours andannounce obnoxiously that there’s only one thing to do to stop this and its toteach the Spider how to fight properly.

Congratulations! You have foundfamily member #5! Aw, he’s so happy. Oh wow, he’s still talking.

Jesus fuck. He’s stilltalking.

Step 33. Meet Deadpool.Make tracks. You are an idiot, but not that kind of idiot.

Step 34. Meet Deadpool.Nearly die. Admit that Deadpool might have just saved your goddamn life.Reflect. Reflect. Reflect.

Step 35. Accidently set afoot outside HK and find yourself in the crossfire between a load of morons,Deadpool and the Spider. Do what you do best. Bask in the awe and approval ofthe giant man and the Spider afterwards.

Step 36. Get charmed ontoa team.

Wait. What?

Step 37.  Investigate: why the fuck is the Spidercrying? Who has made the Spider so distraught? He is 12. 15, whatever. Theymust die, whoever they are.

Eliminate the threat. Maybe, sortof, kind of, give away your identity. It’s fine, it’s a mutual exchange. Hisname’s Peter Parker.

Step 38. Alright, a bigstep made up of many little ones, so stick with me. In the absence of reliablesupervision, make shit decisions. Drink too much. Work too much. Sleep never. FuckDeadpool. Yeah, go on. We all knew it was going to happen with your goddamntrack record, pal. Kind of make up with the Roommate and family member #2. Moreor less get back onto speaking terms with them. Hire an office coordinator andan intern for the summer. But most importantly, meet a tiny angry woman with ascarf. Guess what! She’s family member #6. Hey, y’all are mutual functionalalcoholics. Drink to that, babes.

Step 39. Fuck, there’smore. Okay, well. You’ve always wanted a weird brother. Two weird brothers. Oneweird brother and one big, grumpy brother. Oh, yeah. That’s fine. That’s cool.Let’s call them family members #7 and #8.

Damn, it’s getting kind ofcrowded in here.

Step 40. Hey, so. Dunno ifyou’ve noticed with all the bad decision-making things going on, but Deadpool justwent on a bender with you and brought you home at the end of it. He’s kind ofcool with your whole deal with the Roommate. So, that kind of makes him yourbiggest, weirdest family member. So, welcome #9 to the family.

Step 41. THE SOULMATE ISBACK. Girl, did we miss you!! Yeah, totally go out with her to the bottom of apit. That’s safe.

Step 42. Die.

Step 43. Wake up. That’sright, sleeping beauty. Death is still too kind for the likes of you. Hey, bythe way, this lady? You know her and guess what??? She’s been your fuckin’ momthis whole damn time. Congrats, you’ve found family member generation 1, #2.But now, since you are a fucking self-absorbed, suicidal piece of shit, let’scall her family member #10. Or hell, maybe family member #1, since you’ve lostliterally everything you’ve ever worked for and which ever mattered to you.Hell, yeah. Since you’re gonna die like an idiot soon anyways, why the fuck notstart over?

Hello family member #1. Nice tofinally make your acquaintance. Give us a few days to shake off the shock andwe’ll be right with you.

Step 44. Get the fuck backon the rails. Say thank you and I’m sorry to your goddamn mother, for fuck’ssake, she’s been here the whole damn time.

Step 45. Wake the fuck upand appreciate that the Spider and Deadpool and Jessica and Danny and Luke wereall worried as fuck about you. Feel ashamed for that. Bad dog, no biscuit.

Step 46. Celebrate acouple holidays with the guys.

Step 47. Nearly lose thekid, once to Stark, then once to the city.

That’s your baby brother. Yeah,it’s normal to not stop shaking sometimes.

Step 48. The Roommateloves you, you asshole. He and family member #2 want to start up a new firm.Yeah, it’s pretty great, but don’t cry though, ya moron. People are around.

Step 49. Wake up onemorning and realize that your family looks like the following:

Slightly-estrangedbut well-meaning mother

Best friend withthe great hair and a nose for trouble

Frank fuckingCastle (whether you want him or not)

A highlyfunctional alcoholic who thinks you’re funny but won’t admit it

The strangelittle cult-brother

The strangecult-brother’s girlfriend

Your nursefriend who you fucking failed to appreciate earlier, you shithead

The big,sometimes grumpy bullet-proof brother

Your secretary

A spider

The Spider’s mom

The Spider’sbest friend

The Spider’sother best friend/your intern

The merc with amouth

His cat

Your soulmate

Yourroommate/best friend/life partner

And your dad, youfucking moron, he’s been with you in your heart this whole time.

Step 50. Rinse and repeatthe relevant/applicable steps from 1 to 49 for those persons who seem more orless worth it for the foreseeable future.