#guess who doesn't have today off even though i'm a better person than anybody in the military simply by virtue of not doing that

[iscariotapologist]

i will say one thing that frustrated me when i tried out that church yesterday was that they made a deal out of veterans day and had them all come up front and say what they did and the priest said something like "we couldn't be doing what we do today if you hadn't done what you did then" and like i fail to see how some bastard killing people from missile control in missouri 40 years ago or ruining vietnam 60 years ago or what the fuck ever is currently having any effect whatsoever on us going to church (because it's not). and this on the day we were all shitting our pants over republicans controlling the government again like do we actually have a moral backbone concerning the united states of america or only when they're being obvious about their evil war machine woman hating agenda. rhetorical question i would never expect a white as snow episcopalian congregation with an average age circa 75 to be anything but bland ass liberal but cmon

[half-oz-eddie]

Journaling Billy is so personal for me.

Billy with a gratitude journal that he writes in every time something good happens, or someone does something nice for him.

He got the journal from a nurse at the hospital post-starcourt, who thought it would be a nice way for him to pass the time, while also lifting his spirits and helping him realize how much love and kindness is around him, even if he doubts it.

It's just a blue, soft cover bound book, but he humors the nurse because she's got warm, pretty eyes and reminds him of his mom.

He uses it often, even after leaving the hospital.

Steve catches him writing in his journal one day, and Billy tells him it's fine if he reads the gratitude journal but not his diary.

Steve, of course, is dying to see what's in the journal, what Billy considers nice, and what good things have been happening to the love of his life.

Aug 1, 1985 Everyone came to see me. Even those kids Harrington always babysits. That's nice, right?

Aug 5 Harrington brought me some food from some burger joint. It was good. I guess he's nice even though I was kind of a dick to him.

Aug 21 Harrington showed up to drive me home. I don't know why he's being so nice to me. It pisses me off because I think he just feels sorry for me. I'm probably using this journal the wrong way but I don't care. I can't talk to anybody about this. I'm not feeling that grateful for shit today.

Aug 25 Max helped me with my pain medication. I thought she hated me. She acts like everything's fine. I have to admit I’m grateful what happened only stays in my nightmares and I wake up to a different reality.

Aug 29 Harrington called to check on me. Offered to come over and play cards. He doesn't have to keep pretending. I like the company, though.

Sept 10th Max tried to stay home from school to look after me. I'm doing a lot better so I didn't need the help. I still don't understand why everyone's being so nice after what I did. Sept 14th Felt strong enough to go out for some air on my own. Saw Sinclair and that other kid. Think his name's Dustin. They were on their bikes. They waved and asked how I was doing. Told them I was fine and they rode off. Do I deserve their concern? Sept 15th Sinclair came back while I was on the porch. Asked for Max. I told him he couldn't be here because of Neil. We waited for Max a few houses down and talked about basketball. He's trying out for the team so I gave him some advice. It was a nice conversation. Didn't feel forced at all.

Sept 20th I told Lucas I was sorry for what happened that night. He said he'd forgotten all about it. I know the little shit was lying, but I guess he forgives me. That was cool of him.

Sept 29th Lucas made the team and thanked me for the advice. I don't feel like I did anything.

Oct 4th I'm feeling better than ever. Driving around on my own again. Nobody seems to blame me for what I did, and everyone's nice everywhere I go.

Oct 11th Went to see El. She's always kind to me. She's like the little sister I never had. She made me some waffles.

Oct 15th Saw Harrington again. It was warm so we went swimming in his pool. I really missed the water.

Oct 29th Haven't been writing much down. It feels like I'm saying the same things over and over. Everyone's always nice to me. Dad's not bothering me anymore. I feel like I have a lot of support around me. For once I feel safe. Oct 31st Went to a halloween party with Harrington. First time having a beer in months. Got a little too drunk and we kissed. He didn't seem to hate it. I didn't either.

Nov 9th Finally talked to Steve again after the kiss. He asked if I wanted to go steady. I said no at first, then changed my mind. I'm glad I did.

Steve smiled as he read every entry. Every few days, Billy's entries were longer and longer. He talked about things that made him smile, people he met, and how much he appreciated the simplest things. It was an amazing transformation. He continued to read the entries, his eyes widening when he read the most recent one. January 12th 1986 I'm falling in love with Steve. I was hoping he’d say it first but he hasn’t said anything. Maybe I’m too hopeful. He treats me like he loves me too, I think. But I’m not sure. Steve quickly closed the book, feeling like he'd violated Billy's privacy by reading something he hadn't known before. "Why so quiet, Steve? You read yesterday's entry, huh?" "I—yeah. I thought maybe you wrote it in the wrong journal."

"I didn't. I was gonna tell you, I just...I dunno. I didn't want you to think I was trying to move too fast."

Steve laughed. "You have no idea how relieved I am."

Billy narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"Billy, I've been in love with you for weeks."

Billy snorted. "You're such a sap, pretty boy."

They shared a kiss and Billy wrote in his journal about how grateful he was, to love and be loved.

January 16th On August 21st last year, I was wrong. I have everything to be grateful for.

▪️▫️▪️

A little something to show my gratitude for reaching 400 followers. I appreciate all of you ❤️

Also tagging some friends I’ve met here that really belong in my gratitude journal for all the kindness they’ve shown lately and their posts just make me smile.

@shieldofiron @monsterpegger001 @dragonflylady77 @harringroveera @bigdumbbambieyes @brightside-of-the-upsidedown @thatgirlwithasquid

[punchthewitch]

What Matters is It's Done

Monday October 23rd 2023

Hi.

It's nearly 9pm and I'm sitting here in my computer chair, listening to lo-fi, and ~feeling things~. In fact that's about all I've done today. My sacred day off. I day dream about all the wonderful things I'd do when I have nothing to do... and then I do nothing. ugh.

I suppose I'm sitting here feeling the sorts of things I'd like to tell someone about, but then again I struggle to talk to people. I have a loving father, wonderful friends, but I keep things from them. Most things. I had a therapist. Well, rather I had a couple of therapists but at the moment I'm "between mental health professionals". So I've decided to talk to you

*gestures vaguely at the crowd of crickets*

That's okay, I don't really need anybody to hear any of it, I just need it to be said. Whatever *it* is.

I've never kept a diary. I promised my therapist I'd try journaling. I lied. I think I'm afraid to see my own thoughts written out because it'll make them too real. I'm afraid that when I see what's wrong with me apparent on the page, I'll have to get better. I'll have to work. And work is hard. I'm already working hard. It makes me sick to my stomach. If it's "just a bad day" and I don't write about all the painful little details and all the ways I don't feel like I'm enough and all the time I spend looking in the mirror and thinking that I'm not, at my core, even GOOD at all... Well then eventually I'll forget it all right?

I mean, all that said, I do believe my life is moving in a net positive direction. I started transitioning this year. I definitely feel less sad. My lows aren't as low and my highs are higher. More good days than bad. and that's good. But I don't feel like I can trust myself to not fuck it up. Because even though things are better, I'm still me. And I've spent a long time hating myself. I've made a habit of it. Habits are hard to break. I'm trying though.

I'm a selfish person. I think so anyways. I try to do things to not be so selfish sometimes, but it feels like that in and of itself is an act of vanity. I have this friend, and they're having a rough go of it lately. Like they're objectively in a harder place than I am. And I'm always the first person they go to for help but I feel like I can't handle it anymore. I try to be a good person and help, I HAVE helped, I have BEEN HELPING for so long but it never stops and I feel AWFUL that I just don't want to be responsible anymore... I want them to hate me. I want them to be angry with me and hate me so I can stop. Christ what an asshole I am. To spare myself another ride to and from work, sometimes I'd rather everyone see me as the most deplorable girl in the world and then maybe everybody would just leave me alone. God I want to be alone. Just a while longer. It's not that I don't like people. It's not like I don't like this friend who I want to hate me... I'm just tired. and if everyone thought I was a useless wretch, then at least I could rest.

Rest.

I can't even do that right. It's not as though I don't get days off. I have weekends. I ignore texts and calls. I disappear into a sanctuary of blessed solitude from time to time and still I find ways to fuck it up.

Yesterday I met an artist that I really, REALLY admire. Just seeing her motivated me to work harder and create. I wasn't angry at myself for wasting so much time, just driven to do better. To be more like her... And today I didn't do a god damn thing. I sat in my computer chair, listening to lo-fi, and feeling like I fucking hate myself. I wasted another day. How many days I've wasted are too many to keep count. Fine. Whatever. I'll try again tomorrow I guess. Maybe I can be better.

I don't know if any of this made sense. I don't know if it was helpful. I guess that doesn't matter. What matter's is it's done. Talk to you next week.

-Sam

[sjweminem]

do you miss your dad in a quantitive way? ive recently lost someone close to me and it hurts but you seem to be coping so well even tho its been years

i think a whole lot of it has to do with some of my own illnesses/disabilities (especially autism and SZPD), actually, as well as a severely trauma-ridden life..so i guess the """""""short"""""""" version (literally this fucking essay IS a short rundown) of the deal is this:

not only was i born with a predisposition for emotional scarcity, but also live the damage done by a life so harsh it just drains you of the more basic human emotions. i think that's why i'm so obsessed with math? everything is an equation to me. now, i loved my dad more than anybody on earth, but i don't know what "grief" means since i wasn't equipped with it, i don't think i know what it means to be "sad" (i'm recalling this old journal entry in which i said i was jealous of people who got sad, cuz like their mom died or they had a breakup or put their dog down etc. because my definition of the word "sadness" portrays it as a state of being with an inherent end-point, and good god did i wish i could be sad for that fact alone (i still have that journal, i can post that page or others if anybody wants, it's probably explained better there). the last time i cried was in drug detox like 3 years ago and that was due simply to the physical pain of opiate withdrawal. otherwise i straight up CANNOT cry, it's like i'm physically incapable of it. i think the ability has been taken.

it would make sense to cry over my dad, that exact moment while i was talking to him and felt life exit and soften the hand i was holding; at the moment we were looking each other in the eye and then suddenly..weren't. no tears; the mathematical equation had just been completed- when you become an adult it is the natural progression of things and has been for millennia. it made sense, it added up.

maybe, for weeks to come, it looked to others like i was repressing my Sadness (my WHAT?), that i wasn't letting myself Mourn (umm i don't think anyone ever taught me that ability?) but i'm still like that to this day. personally i just appreciate that i had him as a father, that he cared for me while my mother worked, taking me out for fun little adventures. i love that i had a father who so openly showed his love for me, was affectionate and never closed-off, and also he was brilliant and hilarious. moving on, i appreciate that the remainder of his life post-diagnosis was bright, that he moved in with us, that he and i got to be close again, that he continued with his passions. i hope you can gather past memories/positive facts to be seen through this kind of lens that eases your hurt.

i'm proud that i was the one to take care of him, driving him to and staying around for every single chemo session, sitting up next to his bed where he'd watch me draw in amazement. i'm delighted that the very last thing he felt while still a living human was my hand on his, that the very last thing he ever saw was my smiling face, that the last thing he ever heard was my voice. that's enough for me. i don't understand why i should feel hurt. i have plenty of "oh man i wish my dad could see this drawing!/hear about this stupid thing i did today!/etc but i mean..hey, i wish a lot of things! i wish i lived with mobius in a little house in maine! i wish there weren't so many dirty dishes in the sink right now! i wish my skin didn't get so dry no matter what i do why is it so fucking dry! i don't dwell. maybe the fact that i can't feel sadness and loss and whatever but am still able to feel love and affection work out in this case.

all that being said though, i wouldn't call any of this "coping well"- i just never HAD to cope. and i wanna make sure this doesn't come off as braggy abt how Strong i am or make you feel jealous for how i handled this loss!! like i come on here for people and content and i cuz i think i'm funny but the downside is it can project an inaccurate picture. like even if you've read the worst of the worst about my life and self i've cared to mention here over the years you've still only read the children's edition. if anybody ASKED for a real rundown i'd be totally fine writing that dissertation and pop some pics in for extra fun but i'm not the kind of person who whines all woe is me on their social media as if everyone cares lmao

[girl-in-the-tower]

CHAPTER I

Ramshackle Dorm - Birthday Party Venue

Kore: Woah, to think the ghosts would go all out like this just for today! Even though I told them that they didn't have to bother with it, they wouldn't listen, at all... It's... It's kind of embarrassing to be fussed over like this! If it was Grim I would have understood but this, uh...

Ah! And I'm supposed to have a guest over today as well! Hm, I guess some tea should be in order... maybe some cakes as well... I wonder if there's any sugar left...

Ace: Yo!

Kore: Ah, just a moment- Oh, it's just you, Ace.

Ace: Ha? What's that supposed to mean? 'It's just you'? It's super rude to greet your dear guest like this, you know?

Kore: Is that so? But calling you a guest is...

Ace: What's that?

Kore: Hm...

Ace: Well, doesn't matter because my feelings were hurt either way! So I'll help myself to this krumkake to make myself feel better! Let's dig in~

Kore: Hey, that- Aaah, that was meant to be for Grim. He kept complaining all day yesterday that he should have a cake all to himself too since it's a special day so I woke up extra early just to make it for him. Now he's gonna be mad...

Ace: Haa? A whole cake just for that furball? You've got to be kidding me!

Kore: What are you talking about? You know how much he likes krumkake.

Ace: Nah, I doubt there's really anything that guy won't eat... But that's not the point. You're spoiling him too much. He's gotten really fat, you know?

Kore: It's fine. I still make sure he exercises and he looks cute round like that too, so it's not a problem.

Ace: No, I definitely still think there's something wrong here. Mainly with your head.

Kore: Haaaaaaa, you wanna pick a figh-

Ace: Oh, I almost forgot! Here you go!

Kore: ... What's this?

Ace: Isn't it obvious?

Kore: Well... Huh? Wait a minute- That can't-!

Ace: Ta-da! It's a limited edition Griffons varsity jacket that's been all the rage with Magift meatheads like you~

Kore: No way!! This is- This is-

Ace: Cool, righ- Hey!! Don't jump on me like that! You almost knocked me off the chair!

Kore: Sorry, hahaha! I was so happy I just couldn't contain myself! To think that I would be able to actually get my hands onto something so valuable!

Ace: Yeah, we figured you'd like i-

Kore: This season has really been a blessing from above for them, you know? Everybody is in top shape and playing at their best! I heard their new manager actually made them go through this super difficult training regime that has been working wonders for them. Though it's only speculation so far!

Ace: Uh, Kor-

Kore: If you ask me, it's definitely also thanks to those new brooms that they ordered for the team. The wood is apparently from the Valley of Thorns and super-resistant so they go all out without worrying about breaking them. For the moves that the team is pulling, they really need that propulsion time! Even a second helps when you're in a headlock. I remember back in the vs Mandrakes game that they switched brooms in between-

Ace: Heeeeey! You Magift boar woman! Can you hear me?

Kore: Wh-Why are you yelling like that?! I'm right next to you!

Ace: Haaaa, when you start talking about Magift you might as well be in a completely different world... No wonder they all think of you as the Magift Encyclopedia. I bet you have hundreds of useless pieces of information like that stuck in your head.

Kore: You-! Huh? What's this?

Ace: A-Ah! That!

Kore: It's rice pudding- Ah! It's homemade from the Mountains!

Ace: Hm? Ah, ye-yeah... That came with the jacket...

Kore: Eh? They put pudding in jackets when they sell them?!

Ace: O-Obviously! Don't tell me you didn't know? Bwahaha, man, you sure are clueless...

Kore: ... It's my favourite flavour too...

CHAPTER II

Ace: Alright, next to the first question!

Kore: Eh?! Question?! Is this a quiz of some kind?!

Ace: I guess you could think of it like that, so anyway- Your first question as today's birthday girl issssss: "If you were stuck on a deserted island, who would you take with you?" Hm, here it says that you can't pick members of your own dorm, but given that you guys don't even have a dorm, I'm not sure that the restriction applies. Not that it matters since you wouldn't choose Grim anyway, right?

Kore: Huh? Why not?

Ace: You're serious?! You'd pick that furball?! Hey, we're talking about a deserted island here so think carefully! Don't you want to get off it?!

Kore: Well, obviously I would... But...

Ace: But?

Kore: I can do that on my own.

Ace: Huh?

Kore: Survival is all about securing shelter, food and formulating an escape plan. If it's a deserted island I assume there would be some fauna and animals too, so we could feed ourselves through fruit gathering and hunting. It might be hard if we don't have any tools, however, but I think Grim's claws would be sharp enough to cut through the skin and meat fairly easily. I make sure he takes good care of them after all.

Ace: I-I see...

Kore: If there's no drinkable water then we'll have to boil some from the sea in order to deal with the thirst. Grim's flames, when properly utilized, would be able to do such a thing. Not to mention that he could start fires to keep us warm at night and to cook food to sustain us! Also, it could be a great emergency signal if we end up at sea and need rescuing.

Ace: You want to use him as a flare?!

Kore: That sounds so mean! I would only do that as a last resort, however! Grim's pretty sensitive about having his belly scratched so I wouldn't do anything to make him uncomfortable like that!

Ace: Haaaa, I get it, I get it! So you're saying that the furball has his practical uses too. But I can't help but worry about some flaws...

Kore: Flaws?

Ace: No matter how much you feed that glutton, his stomach will never be full, you know! Whatever provisions you managed to gather, he's sure to inhale them with the first occasion!

Kore: Wah- That's a horrible thing to say! There's no way my Grim is so selfish!

Ace: My Grim?! What is he?! Your child?! And he's totally selfish, you know!!

Kore: HAAAAA?! ARE YOU REALLY PICKING A FIGHT WITH ME?!

Ace: Ca-Calm down!! I take it back, ok?! You can bring the furball with you!

Kore: Hmph.

Ace: Seriously, getting this angry over that cat...

Kore: Isn't that normal? Grim is my special person, after all!

Ace: SPECIAL PERSON?!

Kore: The person you care for a lot, like they're part of you, right? Like Cay-senpai said!

Ace: I-I see, so that's...

Kore: Being on a deserted island isn't ideal, but at the end of the day I know I can be ok on my own. Farmwork, housework - those are things that I'm used to from the Mountains. Life isn't so easy back home, but we all make do with what we can - magic or no magic. Even if I'm stuck in a bad situation, I can manage to get through so I don't need anybody else.

Well, that's what I thought before I came to this place anyway...

Ace: ...

Kore: Besides you're wrong about something!

Ace: Huh?

Kore: In order to survive it's not just physical attributes that are important, but mental ones as well. And in that case, Grim has the real trump card!

Ace: He-He does?!

Kore: Mm! You see, Grim, he... has the cutest paws and the fluffiest fur in the world!

Ace: HUH?!

Kore: Mm! Every time I feel like giving up or am reaching the end of the rope, all I'd have to do is give his paw pads a little squeeze or lay on his tummy and my mood would instantly clear up again! In a situation full of despair like that it would make a world of difference, you know?

Ace: SO HE'S THERE JUST FOR MORAL SUPPORT?!

Kore: Well, that too! It's important after all!

Ah, this pudding is really good actually...

CHAPTER III

Ace: Haaaa, I give up... Your boar mind is way too difficult to understand...

Kore: HUH?!

Ace: Anyway, let's get on with our next question and- Ah.

Kore: Hm? What is it? You suddenly stopped in the middle of the sentence. Did the falcon get your tongue, hehe?

Ace: It's a cat, not a falcon! And I only stopped because- uh...

Kore: What?

Ace: "You're offered the chance to pick another dorm, which one would you choose?"

Kore: ...

Ace: I swear, that Headmaster doesn't even think of these questions at all...

Kore: Yeah, there's no way I can answer that...

Ace: I figured. So instead! "Please share your opinions on the dorms!"

Kore: Ah!

Ace: Nice, right? You can definitely count on me when it comes to quick thinking, you know?

Kore: ... I guess.

Ace: You guess?!

Kore: I'll start with Diasomnia then!

Ace: Hey, don't ignore-

Kore: Hm, I'm not really sure about the atmosphere there but- Don't you think that their interior decor is pretty fancy? I haven't seen stuff like that in magazines for quite a while, so I feel like it's definitely something that must have required a lot of work! It's kinda dreary though, what will the windows not letting enough light and the greenery around it could stand to be looked after better, hm...

Ace: So you're only interested in the decor, huh? Alright, what about Ignihyde?

Kore: It's too technological.

Ace: Huh, I guess that you're right. For somebody like you, it would really be a struggle living there...

Kore: ...

It's even more depressing than Diasomnia, so I feel like I would be stuck in a bad mood without enough sunlight, you know? Though I must admit, it really is super clean inside! That's a very important detail! Clean homes are necessary for good health!

Ace: There you go again, sounding like a mom... Next is Pomefiore!

Kore: IT'S SUPER FLASHY!

Ace: I know~?

Kore: No, no, you don't get it! It's so flashy it actually scares me! All that pomp and glamour! The rugs themselves look like something from the fall collection that sold out about twenty years ago and the chandeliers are bound to be at least four times Theo's salary! Walking through those hallways is like stepping on opulence! A continuous loop of flashiness!

Ace: HEY! Get a hold of yourself! Let's go over to- Ah, Scarabia...

Kore: It's so hot there!!

Ace: Oh, yeah, you're super weak to heat so you'd definitely hate it there. Right?

Kore: Mm, hate is... I think that if it was the old me, I would never have even stepped in there. But now I feel like... Yeah! I definitely think that I can give it another try! Scarabia is pretty rich too, but it feels more homely? There's a lot of people gathered around and there are banquets and feasts pretty often too. It's always lively and warm... In a way, I imagine that's what a home would feel like...

Ace: ...

Kore: I can't say the same for Octavinelle however. Hmph!

Ace: Bwahaha, that's true. It really feels like you'd get scammed in there pretty quick.

Kore: Not even that! But building a dorm underwater? I admit the decor is pretty nice and classy, but the atmosphere is too cold! There's a lot of types that I can't get along with at all so it would definitely be a miserable time for me. No, I definitely don't want to set foot there ever again!

Ace: I totally get it~ All that commotion after the exams was enough for me too. Guess the same goes for Savanaclaw too, then?

Kore: ...

Ace: HA?!

Kore: I-I refuse to believe that anybody who loves Magift is a bad person!

Ace: There's that meathead in you talking again! Are you seriously that obsessed with it?! I feel like there's a sickness that applies in this case!!

Kore: He-Hey!! That's way too- I understand that what they did was bad, and I definitely haven't forgiven Kingscholar-senpai yet, but there are definitely good points to them as well! I think!

Ace: So you're not even sure?!

Kore: A-Anyway, as for Heartslaybyul-

Ace: Don't go changing the subject!

Kore: - if I had to pick that would be my favourite.

Ace: Huh?

Kore: I love Scarabia too, a lot, but at the end of the day all that rich atmosphere is scary. I really don't feel like I would belong there at all. I'd stick out like a sore thumb among everybody else - more than usual at the very least. But in Heartslaybyul, even if Rosehearts-senpai is strict, I feel like everybody is sort of content with the oddness. There's not much that stands out about it, but I think that's what makes it so appealing, you know?

Ace: ... So... what you're saying... Is that we're a shabby dorm full of weirdoes?

Kore: I-I wouldn't go that far...

Ace: But that's the gist of it, isn't it?!

Kore: Ummmmm...

Ace: ... Alright, I get it.

Kore: Huh?

Ace: You know, it just so happens that there's one more thing I have to tell you about.

Kore: One more thing?

Ace: Yup! You see, there's this tradition where the presenter has to give the 'gift of fortune' in order to make sure this ends up being a great birthday! And it just so happens that you're lucky enough to have me here today to deliver the goods~

Kore: Huh? What are you-

[SPLATTER]

Kore: ...

Ace: BWAHAHA, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST STOOD THERE LIKE THAT!

Kore: ...

Ace: Oh man, the look on your face is hilarious! Oh, let me take a quick picture to show the others too!

Kore: ...

Ace: Ok, so then- He-Hey! Don't- AUGH! MY FOREHEAD!

[vanchlo]

The Partner / Chapter Fourteen, "The Ten"

Word Count: 5.9k words /  Story Masterlist /  Read The Assistant /  Read on Wattpad / Warning: Sensitive and upsetting topics

I wasn't sure what had brought me here. It had felt like yesterday since I'd shut this door last, even if weeks had passed since. I'd never been able to shut it on that day and I knew that I wouldn't be able to, not fully.

"Babe! Are you ready to go? We're going to be late for the meeting," a voice calls from down below. Gulping hard, my heart stays stuck in my throat at the sight before me. It hadn't been the only one this morning that was hard to swallow.

"Coming!" The upstairs guest bedroom door closes behind me. I can't help but look at it over my shoulder, still unsure of why I had come up here. "We're not going to be late, Harry! When was it that you started to become so anal about being early?"

Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, he doesn't attempt to hide the way his eyes roll at my remark. They finally settle on me, registering my eyebrow raise I challenge him with.

"Since you take fricken forever to get ready in the mornings, and the boss needs to be early," he tuts, nodding his head towards the front door. I hadn't noticed before how he holds it open, but now, the spring sunshine is unmistakable. "Come on already. I put our stuff in the car while you were dilly dallying upstairs. What were you doing up there anyways? It took me a few times to get your attention."

We'd long ago passed the time of saying 'thank you's for holding doors open, but habit aside, I still say it. Pulling the seatbelt across my chest, I ruminate on his question as he messes with the radio beside me. I'd become a master at being able to tell when his eyes were on me, and right now was no exception, because when I glance over at him, he's doing just that. The words hesitated on my tongue because at times I still found it hard to talk to him about her. We shared her and the grief around her. There was nobody else in this world who could know how I felt about her besides him, but the struggle persisted.

Avoiding his eyes had been my go-to when I didn't want to answer him. I did it now but it didn't serve me well, because of what I find instead. It seemed that nearly every time my eyes came upon it, it was impossible to not trace the curves of ink. It had lived on the inside of my wrist for over two weeks now and I still hadn't gotten used to it. When I thought that way, I realize I was never one to get used to things. My mother's abuse. Harry's coldness towards me in the beginning, only to be changed into sporadic softness. Then we became friends and something more, and it was hard to wrap my head around. He got hurt and I almost lost him, and it was something I still couldn't believe. It was a recurring theme in my life, especially as of late.

The permanence on my skin is interrupted by the soft edges and lines of his hand. A relief is kissed onto my skin when his fingers lace with mine, his thumb paying attention to the capital letter P in his handwriting on my skin. I don't know what does it but suddenly, I'm looking at the melancholy lifting his lips.

"I don't know but I wanted to look at her things in the nur- guest bedroom. The sonograms and clothes . . to remember that she was real and ours when . . when today I feel like I need to pretend that she wasn't," the words tumble from my lips as my throat feels tight with remembering. "I miss her."

"I miss her too," Harry says with a softness saved for times like these, which seemed to be quite often lately. It speaks louder when his lips press a kiss to the top of my hand. "But we don't have to act as if she never happened, Becks."

"I want to though. Not to act like- I'm just not ready to talk about her with people at work yet. It's almost been two months and I feel like I should be ready by now."

Repeating in and out inside of my head didn't help to steady the breaths trying to swim into my lungs. What did succeed was letting myself live in the unending sage color of his eyes, wondering what the flecks of gold would feel like if I swam in them.

"That's okay too, honey. People know not to ask and I said not to. It's more so something that you bring up yourself if you want to," he murmurs, thumbing at the escapist tear that got through my guard. "Are you sure you don't want to stay home another day? I can work from home whenever I want, you know."

"I'm sure," he had barely put a period to his words and I was insisting. His nod was fast but I could read the hesitancy in it. I tried to push it out of my mind as the car began to move, my thumb occupied by the same traces of ink on the inside of his right wrist, a P in my handwriting.

It wasn't how I thought I'd be living my life today, carrying the memory of my daughter in my heart and on the inside of my wrist, instead of in my arms in a few months.

*

I had thought at once that it was a sight for sore eyes, but now I couldn't be more sure that it wasn't. Still, I wasn't certain how I felt about it now. Seeing it had brought forth a nostalgia I yearned for, wanting to go back to a time where we were so naive and unknowing of what the future held for us. It also dug up a pain that could be unfathomable, because I knew how different things were the last time I stood outside his office door, looking in. Our happiness had been unmatched and upon realizing that, I felt my throat grow dry.

He looked more handsome than ever with the short beard he'd come to keep, one that swims into view upon turning around. I'd been caught.

"Hi, bug," Harry says, a smile making the dimples dive into his cheeks. It was small but it brought a glow to his face that I'd missed. "Are you heading out?"

Nodding was all that I could do as I stepped foot in his office. Even if it wasn't the first time today it still stung. Everything I missed was what I thought of when I stood in here. It was the framed sonogram missing beside his desktop, the space behind the guest chairs where I'd showed him the pregnancy test, and on the couch where we spelled out potential names with Scrabble tiles. That was only the beginning of what stabbed at me like knives, even if things had gotten better. It had only been two weeks since we'd started to talk and I had come to feel so much better, almost like myself again. I wasn't sure if I'd admit it but he was right. I'd come back to work too soon and it had been too much. I couldn't decide when I would tell him that I had cried in the bathroom twice today because of it all. He'd wonder when that had happened since I had been at his side all day helping him start on his new case, but I'd thought about her all throughout. I hadn't known that coming back here would stir up so many thoughts about her. How could I?

"Becks?"

"Y-Yeah, soon," I belatedly answer, grateful for his bookshelf in front of me. I know that he knows the truth, but it could seem as if I was lost in reading his titles, instead of consumed by my thoughts. No, Harry was smarter than that. He knew that I had perused his bookshelf more times than fingers I had on one hand, more than one normal person would. "You're sure it's okay that I take the car?"

"Of course. I'll just catch a ride with Myles. We still have a few things to go over anyways. We're not sure if we're sold on that one guy for the new hire or not, so we have to figure out what to do."

I couldn't find it in me to make a comment. Today had taken so much more from me than I had anticipated. I knew that there would be awkward interactions and maybe the curious looks. I didn't know that the team meeting right off the bat would let everybody stare at me to their heart's content, and let me catch them in the act.

"How was today?" his voice comes, interrupting my thoughts. I had come to welcome it, knowing how it broke up my mental web of danger. He had to have known too. "Rate it."

A title catches my eye, replacing the Pain-O-Meter we'd come to adopt since it'd happened. Plucking the book off the shelf, I flip it open to find the familiar title page and a message written in black ink. I'd have a good shot at reciting it without needing it before me even as the words came to blur before my eyes.

"Pass," I mumbled, daring the tear at my nose to fall onto the paper. Brushing it away before it can, I let the words in front of me swim through my mind yet another time.

March 2024

Harry,

I couldn't count how many times I've heard you speak of this case and all that it's taught you, even inspiring you to become a lawyer, you once said. I guess maybe I should have kept it for myself seeing as how you know next to everything about it, but maybe you won't know some of this 'never before seen' stuff. I call dibs on being the first one to borrow it from you, seeing as how it's a new release. I hope that one day we can bring justice and right a wrong like seen in this landmark case. Book aside, I couldn't ever find the words to tell you how grateful I am for you and even though it hasn't been a month yet, how much I love you, Harry. If there's a God, I'll be thanking them forever for bringing me back to you and to your firm to work beside you, and to fall in love with you all over again. I can't wait to hear you talk so passionately about this case and all of the others you look up to when we have our nightly goodnight call. I'll try not to fall asleep the next time.

Love,

Your Becks xo

"Becks?" There had been a time when I'd hated that name and how he'd mistreated it. It wasn't long after that I'd missed it deeply and wished to hear it despite being scared to. "There's no passes."

"Since when? Why can't I just for one time not have to rate my pain, Harry," I almost retort, my chest heaving when I turn to face him. His face remains stoic, that is if you were anybody but the few people who could read his face right now. The shock is clear as day and brings my hands to my mouth. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to explode on you."

"It's okay," he assures me, stepping forward. His hand on my wrist is ginger and reassuring. "What one have you got there? Ah, the good old Glensheen murder. One of my favorite cases."

There hadn't been many times anymore that I couldn't unravel the emotions hiding on his face. Except for now, he locked it up good as he thumbed at the page, nostalgia lifting his lips into his cheeks. It made the sting louder inside of me as his mouth relaxed into its former line, a wetness clinging to his eyes.

"I'd started to think about how I'd tell our kids how I became a lawyer and it always started with this case here," unlike before, a dullness lept into the curling of his lips, a smile dipped in sour memories. "I thought of it with P, telling her how Daddy became a lawyer because of Glensheen . . but I can't do that anymore. It's too hard to think about."

A hastiness filled my actions, first with my hand on his forearm. The velvet button down he'd picked for today felt like butter beneath my fingers, but it was the only easy part about this. No, the wetness spilling onto his cheeks only made it harder and so did prying the book from his hands. It wasn't any smoother looking into his eyes as mine welled with what filled his.

"I'll rate today if you will," my gentle words came, volumes different from mine that had come before.

"Eight and a half," Harry said dryly, clearing his throat afterward. I knew how he craved a glass of water to soothe the cracks in his throat. If only it could do the same to the heart.

"That's your first eight in a week and a half," I note aloud and his acknowledgement is absent. That is unless you count his eyes falling away from mine, focused on dragging his finger along the letter on my wrist as if he could do it forever.

"What's yours?" his question is quiet, but I could hear his voice in the loudest of darks. It was what had dragged me out of my lowest of lows, afterall.

"Nine . . and a half."

It was my turn to stare at my hands and avoid the gaze of the other. I could feel his as I tried to swallow past the heart shaped ball in my throat, trying to forget how quickly his head lifted.

"You haven't had a nine in weeks, bug," Harry remarks and I don't bother to nod. What would be the point? I don't want to make it any more real than it has to be. "Becks, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"When you say nine . . do you mean a ten?" his question made sense but I didn't want it to, because that would mean I'd have to come up with an answer. That wasn't something I could do.

*

Waiting was something I had done a lot of recently and what joined it was my feeling of something being amiss. I had blamed it on losing Phoebe and how it had upset my entire life, but standing here now, both rang too true. I couldn't put a finger on why I hesitated opening the door, even though I had been here just the other night. It had been Harry and I's first double date back with Asher and Skye. We had played Cards Against Humanity and sat around the old rinky dink deep fryer whilst picking our cards.

Leaving that night, my stomach was full from the pizza rolls, cheese curds, steak bites, and more that we deep fried, but that wasn't why my gut felt off. Skye had been acting weird and I couldn't put a finger on it. Sure, things had been different since losing Phoebe, but I knew it wasn't that. Tonight, I hoped it would come to light. If only I'd known now what I would later, I would have never come at all.

There was no answer when I knocked on the door, so I let myself in like usual. Our favorite chicken bacon ranch pizza Skye had promised me wafted from the oven where it cooked. After a quick glance around the open apartment, I find that I'm alone. That's odd, I think to myself, remembering running into Asher in the parking garage on my way from leaving work today. Their cars were parked out front and Skye's purse and keys are scattered across the island. Just like the old times, I muse silently as I begin to toe off my shoes until I stop.

Loud voices carry from down the hallway and immediately I recognize them as the two blondes I'm looking for. Removing my shoes is forgotten as I inch my way into the apartment, trying to listen. Normally, I'd feel guilty eavesdropping and so I don't often do it, but that went out the window when I heard my name. It sounds like they're fighting, but what about? Does it have something to do with me? Why would it? The questions bloom behind my eyes as the sound of their arguing grows when I come closer.

Stopping outside my old bedroom door, I felt more than uncomfortable, but it only grew as I waited. It had been weird at first finding out that Asher and Skye moved into my old bedroom, but knowing that it was the biggest, it made sense. Something inside of me tells me to stop and that I shouldn't be stepping into such a private moment of theirs. If it were the other way around I wouldn't want somebody to eavesdrop on me and Harry talking, and least of all a fight. But I can't stop after I hear my name for a second time.

"Skye, you have to tell Becky. You can't wait any longer."

"Don't you think I know that, Ash? I've been trying to think of how to say it, but for the life of me I can't," my best friend sighs. A whining sound follows her words, presumably after she plopped down onto the mattress. But when it comes a second time, I realize it's drawn from her lips.

"It'll be easier the sooner you tell her, babe. You know that." An unmistakable sigh whooshes from my best friend's lips on the other side of the door. "It can't wait any longer. Maybe you should tell her tonight."

"No! She just went back to work earlier this week and Harry said that she's doing better. I don't want to ruin any of that by telling her."

"She'll understand, Skye, and I know how much you want to tell her, to share this happiness with her. It was all I could do the other night to not talk about it, because I'm excited too," Asher admits with exasperation. Another sound tells me that he's joined her to sit on the bed.

"Of course I want to tell her, but how do I tell her about . . "

I hadn't known how I had gotten here. That's stupid because, of course, I did. But sitting here now, the steering wheel of Harry's car slick with my tears, I still wish I hadn't heard what I did. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't erase it from my memory, and no amount of tears could make it better. Each breath I took sent shoots of pain through my chest as it shook with fitful sobs. The engine still ran, rumbling softly even through the steering wheel my head rested on.

I had lost track of how long I'd sat here after pulling into the driveway. I knew that he would hear the garage door if I pulled in, so I was waiting. He didn't seem to hear or see the car yet, something I was grateful for. I wasn't ready yet, but would I ever be after what I just learned? Just as much as she didn't know how to tell me, I had no idea how I could tell Harry.

The laugh track of a TV show is what I hear first upon opening the door, followed by a wisecrack from Joey on FRIENDS. My heart squeezed at the sound of Harry's subsequent giggle, and knowing how I was about to take it away. I closed the door softly as I could and still knew that he would hear it. It's instantaneous how quickly the TV is turned down and how my unrelenting crying replaces the sound.

"Becks? You're home already, love?" my favorite voice murmurs from the living room before alarm is racing in it. "What happened? Is everything alright?"

I could count the seconds before I hear his rushed footsteps coming my way, and then stopping in front of me. Harry's molasses voice rushes to say my name a few more times but he succeeds in one try to pull me into his arms. Taking my spot sitting against the front door, I melt inside of his arms.

"Baby, please. What's wrong? You're scaring the shit out of me," it was hard to make out the concern in his voice amidst the spinning of my thoughts. It was there but I knew that had things been normal inside of me, I'd be able to hear the panic and fear living in his voice. "Are you hurt?" hurrying to ask, his hands run along my body, as if checking for injuries.

His neck smells sweet with vanilla from his cologne and then woodsy all at once, a smell that used to calm me in seconds. No, not now. Inhaling, I try to focus on his voice and the feeling of his fingers in my hair, but it's more than hard. It's only after snaking my arm out from around him and my fingers into his, do I find my bearings. His chin was sandpapery against my head and although he'd wake me up with the weird feeling, I welcome it now. It's what roots me to the spot and brings me back to him.

"Becks honey, talk to me . . Don't run away from me again," sorrow leaked from his words that began to break on his lips. "Please."

"Harry," his name came out in a sob deep from inside of me. The second I'd heard those words drop from Skye's lips I had wanted him . . needed him. I had known that's the only thing that could ever make it better, but could it after I utter the words that had been spinning webs in my head? "S-Skye . . . "

"What, is Skye alright? Did something happen to her? Did-."

"Skye's pregnant, H-Harry."

*

What woke me wasn't the feeling of his fingernails dragging along my arm, raising goosebumps. It was a nightmare that I couldn't place once I'd opened my eyes, but that didn't matter because I'd woken up to one. The night before came flooding back to me, making me remember why my throat burned and my eyes stung. It was from the screams I shouted in the car where nobody could hear me, not even God who they were meant for. No, I doubted he heard me or saw the way I chased breaths between sobs.

"Morning, bug," Harry rasped in his voice dripping with extra honey.

Something unspoken hid in his words and in the way he covered my face with loud kisses. I didn't laugh or even break a smile. It was impossible after the newly awake ignorance washed away seconds after waking. I felt the hesitation in his movements, the way his chin now tucking my head to his chest moved when he was going to speak only to stop. He wanted to ask how I slept or what I dreamt about. It was the usual stuff but I knew that he was choosing his words carefully after all of the ones that were said last night.

I felt lost in my own, not knowing what to say. It was almost as bad as before when a chasm broke through our lives, carrying us away from each other. Almost but not quite. The thought made me cling to him with fear, never wanting to lose him ever again after all of the times that I had already.

"Shhh, I'm here. I-I know it's not okay right now, but it will be eventually," he cooed to me, fingers nimble and gentle where they dragged through my snarled hair.

"How, Harry? How am I going to be okay seeing her have what I want? I have to watch my best friend have a baby when- when I should be pregnant with her too. I-I . . ," no other words are possible as I begin to shake in his arms. Again.

"I know, buggie," is all that he says, speaking volumes more through his fingers drawing shapes into my back.

"How many times have they called?"

His hand pauses, frozen in a soft claw against my spine, "How'd you know? I thought you were asleep."

"I was but I know h-how they are . . She was so upset, Harry. I still feel so bad for how it happened."

"They each called about ten times already since last night between our two phones. I've gotten a few texts as well but I don't know how to answer them," he murmurs and I can only nod. His calming humming begins against my hair, some tune by The Paper Kites that he caught me listening to when I was his assistant, saying it was a favorite of his too. "Skye already said a hundred times that she understands that this is hard for you . . It's what all her texts and voicemail said."

"How can she say that she understands wh-when she's never lost a baby?" out it comes and I can't take it back, despite all of the times that I had thought it. His words of comfort begin but I'm too quick to shut them down. "But I should be happy for her and Asher," I whisper into his chest, the familiar warmth of his necklace against my cheek.

"You don't have to be anything you don't want to be, Becks. We don't get to choose how we feel . . However you're feeling is okay and it's understandable," Harry says, tracing circles under his t-shirt he pulled over me last night when I couldn't get dressed myself. "To be honest, I'm quite pissed at the world at the moment and somehow at them too. It doesn't make sense but feelings never do . . I had the hugest crush on you when we met and I had a girlfriend. It didn't make one bit of sense to me."

All that I can muster is a hummed acknowledgement before words find me, "You fought it and it didn't go away though. I want this to go away. I don't want to be jealous and mad but . . I don't know how I can't be. It's not fair, Harry."

Any licks of morning light is doused out by black when I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing that was the trick to keeping the tears in.

"I know, honey bug. Life is never fair, unfortunately . . but we're going to have our own family one day. It'll happen for us when we're ready again . . And if you can't do it, watching Skye become a Mum, then you don't have to. I don't want you causing yourself any more pain. You've already been through so much."

"But she's my best friend, Harry, ever since first grade."

"Then give it time, babe. Healing doesn't happen in a day . . We both know that."

"How can I heal if everyday I'm reminded of it, Harry? Sh-She's going to have a baby and I'm supposed to be there as her best friend, like we've always planned. The best friend plans the shower and is there for the birth, and her bump is going to get bigger. I-," he stops me before I carry on and eventually implode from the feeling bursting from my words.

"You can only do so much, and however much that is - big or small - is okay. Skye will understand," he insists from above, nudging his nose against my temple. "Shhh, shhh. It's going to be okay, babe. I promise."

Harry's words ghost over my face, smelling of the minty toothpaste we use. If my body wasn't shaking with waterfalls of tears, I'd try to care what time it is and why he isn't at work. Part of me wants to ignore it and that's the one I listen to, letting him rock me back and forth inside of the safety in his arms.

"Thanks for staying w-with me," I blubber against his neck, finding purchase with my hands cupping his shoulders.

"Always, my love. Thank you for doing the same. I know it seems like we keep getting hit down as soon as we get up."

"No kidding," I hiccup.

Trying to focus on the Elton John song he sings to me instead of the danger concocting inside of my head is no easy task. It was one of our favorite songs but it still couldn't stop me from thinking about how it should be Skye and me pregnant together. We'd dreamt out loud how many times since we were six that we'd be mothers together and our kids would be best friends. Now, that will never happen, I think miserably, wishing that things could be different just like I had thought for the last two months. Those thoughts spun back into how I'd have to stand by her side through it all, pretending that I wasn't insanely jealous and resentful. That sentence in itself makes me cry louder against his bare chest, because she was my best friend and how could I be so mad at her for something that was so amazing? I can't but I am.

It was the very same thing I'd said last night after the bedroom door had opened, all of our mouths agape. I'd tripped on my own feet, or their news had knocked me off them, I suppose. It had sent one of their plants onto its side and profanities from my mouth.

"Ree . . Oh my god," Skye had gasped, a hand to her mouth, of course. The face I had known for so many years, watched change over and over, had paled so that it almost matched the wall behind it. "Please. I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to find out this way. I promise I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how. I-."

"I can't do this, Skye. I'm sorry but I-I can't. I don't know how to," I had muttered hastily, my wet eyes already painting my face only moments before hers.

It was only seconds later that Asher had exclaimed my name for there to be no response. Moments before slamming the door, I heard him call after Skye whose footsteps trailed behind me.

"Ree, please! I'm sorry!" she had shouted after me, in a voice that snagged on the fresh crack in my heart.

"Skye, don't. She'll be okay, just give her time."

With a pained sob just before the door closed, I heard her choke out, "I never wanted to hurt her."

"Is there anything I can do to take your mind off it, bubs? It's not healthy to keep replaying it over in your head, and I know you are," Harry's murmur comes, trying to shut the door on the memory. One that is still too fresh and new, too much like the puddle of red I sat on in this very bed that morning. We'd made our way back into our bedroom and into our old lives, thinking things were going back to normal. Little did we know. Shaking my head does little to erase the thoughts, no matter how many times I do it.

"Your head's not an Etch A Sketch, bug. Stop, baby, please," he insists, bringing a hand to my head, trying to make me stop. If only I could erase the thoughts like the old toy we played with as kids. Skye and I would fight over who used it, even if we both were terrible at it. "Please, just tell me what I can do to make it all better."

"You can't always fix it, Harry. Thank you for t-trying, but . . "

Puffing, the crack in my heart widens at the pain held in just his sigh. "I wish more than anything I could, Becks. I'm the husband, the d-dad. I should be fixing it."

"Don't. You can't a-and that's okay," I say with a voice colored with the very opposite, because it really isn't okay.

"Even though it's not . . okay."

Nodding my head quickly into him answers that then and there, as if the tears loud from my eyes didn't say that already.

"I see now why you've never rated your pain as a ten before today . . ," he didn't need to finish his thought because my mind knitted it up for him. Because I need to save it for when it could be nothing else but a ten.

"I miss her. I never even met her and I miss her so much it hurts," my voice trembles, colored with memories that had just become bearable to recall. Now, I feel as if I need to find the key to lock them back up in their box because they're too painful to think about. "I just want her back, Harry."

"I know, sweetheart. So do I," his lips brush against my temple with his words, pressing a kiss there that stays. At least I have Harry. I can get through anything with him by my side. I find it in me to take a full breath at that realization, holding onto him tighter.

*

What now, I thought silently but the words spoke volumes. Underneath me the mattress squeaked when I tried to get comfortable. Tugging at my shirt, my eyes fell to my legs clad in a fresh pair of jeans. It felt bizarre to be wearing them. I hadn't gotten dressed in four days, because I could barely get out of bed. It was too much like the last time and it scared me to no end, because I didn't want to lose everything like before.

I didn't want to get dressed today or to take a shower for the first time since I'd heard about Skye, but I did. Harry gave me time and didn't push me, but when he left for work this morning, again without me, I found it in me to do it. My body had already gotten used to the baggy feeling of Harry's oversized shirt and sweatpants. Now, it wasn't sure about these jeans or the warm black and brown Argyle sweater I'd found in his closet. Dragging a brush through my snarled hair seemed like the most work I could do all day, let alone warming up leftovers after it. This time, I hadn't lost myself completely, but I still didn't feel like me. Knowing what I did changed everything once again, and I didn't know how to do it.

Staring back at me, the meticulous plans Harry and I had made seemed impossible now. The blinking cursor nagged at me to type in the shared Google document, knowing Harry would see it. The top listed the logical need to know things and then the places we'd go, followed by the costs and smaller details. It had only been a week since we'd looked at our wedding plans together, but it had seemed much longer now. Seeing the dress decorated with lace and sewn flowers in our closet pained me, making me wonder how I'd get my best friend to do my hair and makeup now. I knew that she would come, even if I hadn't answered any of her texts or phone calls since it had happened. But how could I do it?

[addictofsupernatural]

Spidey Senses (pt. 1)

Peter Parker x reader

Summary: You have a big secret about your life, and so might your crush.

Word Count: 2253

Chapter 2

You woke up, looking around at the apartment to yourself, and got ready for school. You made yourself some scrambled eggs; they were quick enough to make. You ate and cleaned up, not that anyone was expecting you to. You went to the bathroom, looking at yourself one last time. You frowned, but smoothened out your shirt.

Peter liked this shirt. He once told you that at lunch, when you brought him cookies made cookies for him and Ned. It was a Bowsette shirt, and this time instead of wearing it lose you tucked it in. Maybe he'd like that? Not that it was doing much for your body. You did read somewhere that having confident vibes was attractive, so maybe you just needed to act confident, and he'd notice that you wore the shirt he likes? It was stupid, but you were doing it anyways.

You locked up your apartment and walked to Peter's nicer apartment complex, where you sat down on the untagged steps outside. A few minutes later Peter came rushing out with a piece of toast in his mouth. You turned and smiled, perking up.

"Morning Peter." You chirped. No matter how bad you could feel sometimes, you couldn't help but have the best of attitudes around Peter.

"Morning." He said, voice muffled. He took a bite and ripped off a piece of toast, silently giving it to you. You took it and ate with him. "So I just got a text from Ned, and we have to pair up in biology for a project on the genetics of different forms of life."

He sounded pepped up, and so were you. You loved doing projects. It was a stress reliever from working at nights, and you got to spend some time after school with Peter. To you, projects were amazing. "So, who're you gonna pick for your partner?" You teased.

"Of course only the one person I know who can keep up with me." He nudged you, and you giggled. "I wish Liz was in that class. She's really smart."

Then there was that. Peter's crush on Liz. Though it made you feel terrible about yourself, you couldn't help but constantly compare yourself to Liz. She was so much prettier than you, smarter, actually popular. Not that you really cared about popularity, but it seemed like everyone adored her, Peter included. You didn't dislike her, you just wished you could be more like her. But if she's what makes Peter happy, then you would try to be the most supportive friend you could be.

"I bet you do." You did your best to smile. "Are we still on for joining the Mathletes?"

"I don't know. What if I get too nervous around Liz and start messing everything up? Then I'll look like an idiot."

"First of all, never call yourself an idiot. You're a genius, own it. Second, me and Ned are gonna join with you. We'll have your back Peter. We'll all have some fun, and you'll get to spend more time with her. We'll be in the back for support if you need us."

He nodded and put an arm around you, squeezing your shoulders as he side hugged you. "Thanks y/n. I can always count on you and Ned to be really awesome friends."

Though it took a blow to your feelings and self esteem, all you responded with was "Of course." as you walked into school and met up with Ned.

Sometimes, keeping things to yourself was just the better option. There were two things you kept from Peter. One, you were completely and undoubtedly in love with him. Only Ned knew about this, since he's just as close to you as Peter is. Two, the day you went to the Stark museum field trip and got bit by that spider changed your life forever.

As the day went on, so did your anxiousness. It was good this time; you didn't have work today at Delmar's Deli-Grocery, meaning it was time to suit up. Queens always needed help, and you were happy to do it. So was this other guy with similar abilities, but you never met him, so you didn't worry about it.

Mathletes went pretty much as expected. Peter was adorably awkward around Liz, but a genius none the less. You actually had some fun with Ned, goofing off as well as being able to get some work done. Peter would come back to you two every now and then to give updates. "You okay?" Ned quietly asked.

"Yeah, I'm good." You rested your chin on your hand and leaned over. "What about you? Like anybody right now?"

He gave you a goofy smile. "Nobody specific, but I'm hoping being in the Mathletes will show girls how smart I am."

You gave him a toothy grin in return. "I'm sure they will. Girls who are worth your time are suckers for nerds." Ned nodded his head eagerly in response.

Peter caught a glimpse of your conversation with Ned about girls liking nerds, and it sounded like a really tempting topic to over and listen about, but he had to focus on Liz. Giving her his main attention will show her that this is just as important to him as it is to her.

When Mathletes was over, Peter went over to you and an excited Ned, trying to ignore that nagging left out feeling he was having. "What'd I miss?"

"Y/n's gonna paint the Millennium Falcon and Death Star on my walls!" Ned said excitedly.

"Woah, really?"

You shrugged and smiled. "Yeah, it's not a big deal. I like painting, and it's not like my landlord would let me do it on my own walls. His parents are gonna take me to buy the paints and pay me for doing it too, so it's really just me getting all the benefits."

"It's gonna happen next week, so we should have a marathon over the weekend." Ned proposed.

"I love that idea!" Peter said, getting pumped up and excited in a very cute way he does. "We should do it at your house!" He said to you.

"I'm so down!" You excitedly said. "But right now I have homework to do, so let's walk home."

Ned said his goodbyes as he got picked up. You and Peter walked home together talking about Star Wars and how he would love it if you painted for him sometime. You promised him you would and said your goodbyes, watching him walk up his apartment complex steps and disappearing. You then quickly ran home to put on your super suit and head out.

Meanwhile, Peter came home to see Mr. Tony Stark in his very own living room. "Aunt May, I'm ho–"

The two heads turned to see the suddenly out of breath teen. "Oh, hey! Mr. Stark was just telling me how you got accepted." Aunt May smiled.

"W...wha–how–um, hi." He breathed out.

Tony smiled effortlessly as he got up. "I was just talking to your Aunt May over here about your acceptance for your application into the Stark internship." He winked. "Can we talk privately in your room?"

"Ye...uh, sure. Course." They both went into his room and Tony closed the door, looking around the room.

"So your aunt seems nice." Tony said nonchalantly. "Really doesn't look like an aunt."

"Um, why are you here Mr. Stark? I never filled out an–"

"She's cute." He picked up a framed picture of you and Peter, you hugging him while you both smiled. Tony instantly recognized you as the other person he was going to recruit.

"Y–uh, I guess." The question was very flustering for Peter.

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"Woah! No, we're just friends. There's actually this other girl–"

Tony set the picture down and went on to his phone. "Okay, I'm bored with this story now." He then pulled up a video of a disguised man stop a car from crashing into a bus. "This you?"

"No! I don't know who that is."

"Yeah?" He looked up and got the broom that was against the wall, pushing one of the air vents out of the way and watching Peter's suit fall while tied to a rope. "Tell anybody about your powers?"

"No! Not even Aunt May, I promise. It's been a secret since I got them."

Tony nodded. "I'll cut to the point. I need you to come with me to Berlin. There's something you can help me with. Think of it as a mission. Are you up for it?" Peter only nodded his head. "Good, we got one more stop to make."

You got home to your apartment after stopping a robbery at a fast food restaurant. You took a shower and finished your homework fairly quickly. After backing some double brownie cookies for the weekend, you started pencil drawing to pass the time. That's when you heard a knock at the door. Your hair was still a bit damp as you curiously got up and answered the door. In front of your very eyes was the infamous Tony Stark.

"Woah." Was the first thing to drop out of your mouth. You wanted to slap yourself. You quietly said, "Hello."

You stuck out your hand for a hand shake, trying to make it as firm as you could while feeling nervous around the celebrity. As he shook it, you swallowed your nervousness down and remembered that everyone has flaws and he's just a regular person.

"Hi, can I come in?" You forced a smile and nodded, stepping aside as he came in and walked around your house. In all honesty, it was kind of making you uncomfortable how much observing he was doing. He noticed the same picture Peter had was hanged up on your wall. "Is this your boyfriend?"

You nervously laughed at the thought of that fantasy. "I wish." You blurted out. He raised his eyebrows and looked at you, feeling that this was going to be fun to tease about over this mission. "But I've been friend zoned, so yeah." You quickly said. "Anyways, would you like something to eat or drink?"

"Got any sweets or something? I am kind of hungry." He didn't look at you and kept wandering around your apartment. You silently nodded and took out the container of cookies you just put in the cupboard. You made those for the Star Wars binge, but if you had to sacrifice some for Tony Stark, so be it. You opened it from the kitchen counter, and he took one while inspecting your kitchen. "Oh wow. These are good. Make them yourself?"

"Yeah actually. Thanks." He opened your finance drawer with your bills, newspaper coupons and food stamps. You quickly closed it. "Um, please don't look at that!"

He looked you in the eye for a second before nodding and looking at another picture of Peter and you, this time with you trying to cover your face from the selfie. "So, I've read your personal file."

He was so straight forward that you didn't know how to react. "Oh. Are you even allowed to do that?"

"I'm allowed to bend the rules a bit sometimes." You huffed in response. Rich people. "Emancipated at 15. That's a lot."

"Yeah, I guess. I'd like to think I've adjusted well." You put on a smile again.

He leaned against the kitchen counter. "You miss your mom?"

"Um, she needed to learn how to take care of herself before she could take care of anybody else. I'm okay with that." You rocked on your heals.

"That's very mature of you, but you didn't answer my question."

You really didn't know why you felt so open with him. Maybe it was all that internet stalking. Damn. But you weren't about to spill out your life to this man and scare him off. No matter how well you felt like you kind of knew him. "Mm, it's complicated."

"And what about your dad?"

You truthfully never really think about him. "What about him?"

"You don't want to meet him? Know anything about him?"

You let out a laugh. "The only thing I want to know about him is his address, so I could file for some child support."

Tony smirked, deciding that he liked you. "Can you even file for yourself."

You sighed. "Probably not. Sometimes the government can suck."

He nodded his head, his eyes averting to your room. Shit. "What're those?"

"Oh, um, you don't need to see that!" He walked a lot faster than you and went into your room. You silently cursed your small legs. "Wow. These are a lot of drawings. And there's a lot of Thor. Do we have a little crush on a certain God?"

"Maybe!" You blurted out, much to Tony's amusement.

There was a small desk over a bulletin board full of your drawings. You got the desk when you saw pieces of wood being thrown out of a Home Depot because of chips and scratches, and you volunteered to take it off their hands. You built it yourself, wobbly and uneven, and painted some of it with the paints Aunt May got you. It made you look like the help, but it was nothing compared to the drawings you had of the superheroes.

"So what if I do? I know a ton of people who have fake crushes on you!"

"And you're not one of them?" He raised an eyebrow and chuckled. "Should I be offended?"

You smiled, genuinely smiled, and shook your head. "People have fake crushes on unrealistically perfect people. Thor, Thor is unrealistically perfect. You have a ton of flaws but are essentially a good person at heart... With all respect."

"What makes you think I'm not just perfect?" He was truthfully interested in hearing your take on this.

"Because it takes a person with anxiety to know a person with anxiety." Tony uncomfortably shifted his weight onto his other foot.

"I've seen some bad stuff too, not as bad as you, but I know that memories creep up when things get too much to handle. You have a ton of things to handle. I've seen some interviews that get to you. Some things that people say. The rude reporters. Even though a lot of people say bad things about you, your company, and even your family, you still have it in you to fight for everyone. That's amazing. You're not unrealistically perfect, but you are realistically perfect to me."

He paused for a moment, absorbing what was said. "If you're not in love with me, then why do you take the time to know so much about me?"

"Because, while I don't think of you as the fake love of my life, I see you as someone I look up to."

"Believe me kid, you should look up to someone else." He tried to joke it off.

You shrugged. "I don't have anyone else." You felt embarrassed suddenly, looking down at your desk. You then smiled again and searched through your drawings, picking up one of Tony smiling. "Just think of me as your number one fan. You can have that."

"Huh." Was all he said as he looked at it.

"What? Not used to seeing yourself smile?" You giggled. "Anyways, why are you here?"

"Oh, right." He took out his phone, showing you a video of you suited up, stopping a moving car full of robbers until the police showed up.

You sighed. "Okay, you found me. What now?"

"You're not going to try and lie for your secret identity?" Tony smiled again.

"To Ironman?" You giggled again. "No."

"Well, there's a mission in Berlin I need you and the Spiderman's assistance for."

"Is that what he calls himself?"

"Yeah. You met him?" You shook your head, and Tony knew he was going to enjoy this. "Well, you're about to. Ready Spidergirl?"

"Um, shouldn't I pack or something?"

"No need. I got you provisions and clothes for a few days. Especially considering that's probably the only kind of things you have."

You clutched your baggy shirt. "Rude, but true."

"Okay then, stay here." He then left the apartment for a bit and came back with a nice looking shirt and ripped jeans. "I don't want people thinking I found a homeless girl off the side of the street."

"You're so mean." You breathed out a laugh. "Thank you though. I'll be out in a bit." You stepped out a minute later uncomfortably. "Ready?"

"Look at you, looking like a girl." He teased.

You laughed. "Who'd have known? Let's go."

"You ready to meet the Spiderman?" Tony asked as you both stepped down from the apartment complex.

"Should I be? I don't even know who that is." He winked at you before opening the door for you. You slid in the back seat and looked at a surprised Peter dead in the eye. "Holy shit!"

[thatnerdwolfnell]

I'm calling the apprentice here MJ which stands for Main Jcharacter. I wanted to give them something of a proper name and my autocorrect hates MC anyway. They aren't my apprentice they're just supposed to be a generic MC for people to insert their apprentice in for. They are entirely androgynous and completely non descript. I just got sick of typing MC and I refuse to put y/n into shit I write because it looks stupid and keeps fucking with my dyslexic ass.

**trigger warning: suicide**

Lies

For @wilddarkchocolate

Asra was different before he left. Nobody acts like themselves these days. Well, that's not really true. I just didn't know them well enough, I guess. Asra's a caring person, I know he is, he can just act so damn heartless sometimes. When the plague hit everything light and airy about just became streamlined and sharp, calculated. It triggered the part of him that was still living on the streets, that taught him to prioritize. to be kind and generous and give everything you have everytime you can but be ready to cut your losses, and grab what you can and get the hell out. When things go to shit he picks his battles, prioritizes his objectives, protects what he can and damn the rest if he can get his people out alive. I didn't think he'd leave me too though. There's nothing more important to him than the people he cares about. I thought there was nobody on earth more loyal than Asra, that there was no bridge he wouldn't cross and we'd fight everything together. Die together if we had to. Apparently I was wrong. I guess it was selfish to assume that of someone.

"This thing destroyed several villages in the south, we saw it leave Nopal in shambles, and now it's happening here!" He had said. "Remember when we saw them hauling cartfulls of bodies away in Nopal? People rotting away in the streets? In their homes? Remember when I said if that happens here we're getting out? It's been happening here for weeks now! We've done what we can but there's nothing we can do!"

I sighed. "Just stay a little longer, Julian's close to finding a cure and—"

"NO HE'S NOT!" he shouted. "HES COMPLETELY LOST! HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE'S DEALING WITH!"

He flung a jar of sage off the counter letting it shatter on the ground like he was brushing away a mosquito. Like he didn't care.

"ASRA!" He just shook his head and leaned against the wall. Resigned. His face was red. He was crying. "What the hell are you talking about? You've been working on this for months you know that's not true!"

"No. I haven't. Because I can't. All I know is that it's something of magical origin and that it's way out my league. It's more powerful than anything I've ever seen in my life –or even heard of, and Julian's barking up the completely wrong tree."

I had known it had some kind of dark magic attached to it, but so does death. So does lots of things. With the amount of tragedy this plague had caused it wasn't shocking that it had a dark energy around it. But what Asra had said...

"What is it like a curse or something?"

He shook his head again. "No. I don't know. When I was little my parents used to talk about God." He wouldn't look at me. "Then they disappeared. And on the docks... I don't know, I stopped taking it seriously." He shuddered "But this? If it's not the wrath of God I don't what else it could be. It's like somebody knocked a cosmic balance into shit and now its just... spilling."

My hands grew cold. "Is there any way we can balance it?"

He scoffed "Not unless you're a fucking arcana. Or ten."

"Why didn't you say any of this before?"

He slumped down against the wall and sighed. "Well what good would it have done, MJ? I can't just tell them 'hey nobody can do anything to save your children have fun dying!' now can I?"

"You could have at least told Julian! He's been killing himself trying to find a cure! He'll blame himself for-"

"He'd blame himself for the damn RAIN if he could, MJ. I already told him and he said all that meant was there no magical cure, but SCIENCE still had the answer."

I paused. "He's crazy."

Asra wiped his face on his sleeve. "I know." He stood up pulling his bag back over his shoulder. "That's why we need to leave. Now."

"Asra..."

That was all I said. Just his name. How could go with him when people were dying? For all he knew Julian could be right. And there was still something I wanted... I NEEDED to do. I just didn't have the heart to tell him.

That was almost a year ago. We fought more of course, but we didn't really say anything after that. If I'm honest I don't even remember. Just the anger and the magic sparking from the raw emotion in the room.

I am so fucking sick of this dungeon.

Julian's already here of course. I doubt he even left, I don't think he ever does. He's muttering, reading some paper he wrote.

"Samples?" I say as I pass his desk.

He shakes his head. Which means I need to collect them myself. That's not really an inconvenience, especially since I'm going down to the cells anyway.

I haven't felt anything in months, but when I see those people in cages like animals slamming their faces against the bars shrieking at their hallucinations I can at least remember one part of me that's still human. The part that knows that this is fundamentally wrong. And I thought maybe it could be worth it if we found a cure, but now... Now there's nothing left to justify this.

Believe it or not, these are vesuvia's richest, the "lucky" ones if you will. The ones who's families could afford access to "experimental treatments" rather than simply dying surrounded by living corpses in the lazaret. I know I'm going to die here. It's only a matter of time before I catch it and maybe if I can do this, my life will have been worth something. Today's the day I get the plague. I should feel something about that. I don't. Like I said, I haven't felt anything in a long time. Still it took forever to get the guts to do this though.

I take the syringe and walk up to the first cell. I barely even hear the screaming.

"Hi, Miss Walker?" The woman in the cell freezes. Guilt twinges in my gut. It's been a while since anybody has used her name –or even addressed her directly. I actually had to look up her name in the file just now. "I have to take a blood sample, is that okay?" It doesn't actually matter if it's okay or not I have to take it anyway.

"NOOOO!" she wails. "ALEX YOUR FACE! YOUR FACE THEY'RE ON YOUR FACE!" Her cries fade into fitful muttering that I can't make out.

"Okay ma'am, I'm coming in now."

She's huddled in a ball in the back corner of her cell. I grab her arm in the standard method that keeps her from moving away, but she doesn't even react. Which means she'll probably be dead by tonight. I tuck the sample vial in my bag and take off my mask. This part is not standard procedure.

"Hey, you're okay." I try to use the most soothing voice I can. I'm definitely not the ideal choice for comforting people, but nobody else will do it, and I can't watch another person die like this. Scared and alone. I pull off my gloves and gently rub her back. She flinches. Maybe this was a bad idea but it's definitely too late to go back. I'm probably already infected. "You're okay. Where does it hurt?"

"My Alex!" Her hand swats weakly at my face. It was probably supposed to be a loving gesture if she still had her strength.

"Sure. Fine. It's me, Alex" I have no clue who Alex is, I'm just trying to make dying a little nicer.

"You're all grown up, why are you grown? They were eating your face..." She breaks down into sobs.

"Hey, hey don't cry it's okay. Alex is fine, I'm fine." She throws herself into my arms sobbing and blubbering. I pull her close into a hug and I feel her start to calm down. "Yeah I'm fine, we're all fine. it's okay."

"I-I love you –I miss you so much i-" she shudders.

I hesitate. This is what I came here for. There's not much left of her and she needs comfort. "Um...I love you too... Here." I do a quick spell that should take away her pain for a while. She sighs and closes her eyes. "Alright

You get some rest now okay?" She doesn't respond she's already asleep.

I continue down the row of cells in much the same way. Blood sample. Mask off. Lie. "You're okay", "See? No more pain.", "I love you."

I drop off the samples before heading over to the lazaret to do the same there. I'm probably just being selfish. Just trying to feel like a good person. Like this MEANS anything. Maybe staying here at all was selfish. Maybe Asra was right and this was all a naive ego trip to make me feel better about myself. Maybe this is the only way I can justify killing myself. Or the only way I have the courage to do It. I'm being selfish.

I feel nausea twist in my gut as I land at the lazaret.

Looks like I'm not leaving.

It's for the best.

"Hi, I'm MJ.", "Its alright, you're okay.", "You want to see something cool?" "Go to sleep now." "I love you." "Yes your mommy is right here." , "I won't leave you.", "You're not going to die.", "You're safe.", "I love you."

The last thing I remember is a toddler, or maybe a corpse curled up in my lap. Humming softly. I'm holding a tiny hand. I don't quite have the strength to do the spell that will make it hurt less. Not that I deserve it. God it hurts. Where's Asra? What happened to him? The small hand drops. And everything fades to red.

[yetanotherreader]

Useful—1

Genre: College AU

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Y/N, a pinch of Lisa sprinkled in.

Summary: The school's most popular boy wants to be friends with Y/N, out of the blue. It definitely doesn't have anything to do with her hot best friend, though.

Word Count(for the chapter): 1,494

Warnings (for the chapter): Nothing as such. Slightest language?

____________

Useful Masterlist

Chapter-1

Good girls always fall for bad boys.

Now, did they? At least, that's how the legend went. All your life, it was exactly what you had read in those books you carried in your bag. And they were the reason you were starting to believe this pointless theory. Or was it your irresistible attraction towards that leather-jacketed classmate of yours? Obviously, the former. You weren't falling for him of all the guys. And you weren't exactly the good types, were you? 

"Y/N!" You heard your friend call from behind, "You up for tonight's party at Jo's?

"Jo? I thought you hated her?" You raised your brow in your friend's direction, continuing your walk down the hallway.

"Nooo, why would I hate that beautiful babe?" 

"Lisa," deadpanning, you continued, "Cut the crap."

Lisa smiled at you cheekily, squinting her eyes and you obviously got the sign.

"Boys" You said with the roll of your eyes, whilst she echoed simultaneously with an excited squeal. Shaking your head, you smiled at her excitement, whilst she continued to grin your way adorably. At least someone's looking forward to living their life.

You and Lisa were totally different, to the extent it got you thinking about how you were even friends in the first place. She was one of the most popular girls of the college, whilst you were a hidden hermit. She loved partying and drinking, whilst you made excuses to stay home and read one of those fanfictions they wrote. Not that you got a lot of invitations, but ever since you started hanging out with Lisa, they were more. It was uncomfortable at first, and quite frankly, it still was. You weren't used to it—the attention, so many people around you, people talking to you. Although before you met Lisa, you felt way lonelier than you'd ever like to admit, you still sometimes missed the calm in it. But again, you did you. You still ditched parties for books, still said no to drunk boys, still wore baggy hoodies and Potter glasses, and still ate street food. Uncool? Fair enough. Uncool it is, then.

"So, you coming?" She tugged at your backpack just as you were making your way into the class.

"No"

"Please"

"No"

"Y/N"

"No"

"Today's food on me"

"Yes"

"Yee!" She squealed and hugged you, locking your hands to your body, as you froze in your place. You really did like to maintain that reputation of the tough, unaffectionate girl you had among the few people you talked to.

"Yeah, yeah. It's the free food." With a fake scowl, you went in the lecture hall, as she made her way to hers.

_____________

It was a rather boring lecture, and you would sell your soul to bunk the other one scheduled after the break. All you did during the whole class was scroll down your Instagram feed, or Tumblr checking for another part of the fanfiction you were currently reading. Hunters. How cool was that! You lived to read such fantasies, or who knew if they existed in real life too.

"Didn't take you for the one to use your phone during the class." You looked up to see him, and tried your hardest not to gawk at his entire confident demeanor. Leather jacket, spiky short blonde-ish brown hair, green eyes and—were they...freckles?

You cleared your throat locking your phone, "Didn't take you for the one to talk to unpopular girls during the break, either." 

A smirk started to grace his lips as you quickly averted your gaze back to your phone, unlocking it and scrolling through the posts again.

"Ah! That hurt," he mocked hurt as you found yourself resisting a smile at his antics, "Did I see a smile there, and can I sit?" He smiled to himself.

"No," You said with a roll of your eyes shifting to the seat next to the wall, "So what brings you here, Winchester?"

"Low attendance," He chuckled to himself but it subsided soon, clearing his throat, as he heard no laugh from your side, "Sorry, wasn't funny." 

"No it was, I'm just trying not to laugh." You said, the bored expression not leaving your face, as you again turned back to your phone, just before it was snatched from your hands.

"First, it's very rude to use your phone when someone's talking to you," He smiled in return to the glare you threw his way, "And second, Y/N, I've come here to be friends with you.

Now that piqued your interest, as you raised your right brow at him, "No, I mean it. I'm buddies with everyone in the class but you. The only time we ever talked was back during the first year, and it didn't quite end well."

"Sweets. Tempting but no," You gave the freckled man in front of you a tight lipped smile, "Winchester, what kinda bet you at, this time?" You said nonchalantly, definitely not believing a word of what he was asking for.

"No bet, I promise! I genuinely want to know you." And he thought you'd believe him, didn't he? As if.

"Guess what, Dean?" You smiled at him sweetly, as he started to grin, "Buzz off, not before giving me my phone back."

His grin faltered midway as he sighed, "You really are a hardhead, are you not?" He handed you over the phone and walked out of the hall.

Well, wow.. that was weird.

_____________

Dean knew it wasn't going to be an easy task. She wasn't a soft nut to crack. Not that he had expected her to just believe him like that. He wasn't joking when he said that their first encounter wasn't the most pleasant one. A bet. That's what it was.

New to college, he knew he needed to make a reputation to survive those four years. He couldn't go down on his first day, after all. He wasn't going to. And as his seniors dared him to throw the next student out of the door into the pool, he did. He was very hesitant, he knew it was bullying and he sure wasn't in favor of that but he also knew that if he didn't, they'll make the next three years of his life hell. He had no other choice.

That's when she walked out of the class—baggy sweater, round glasses, reading a book, your typical nerd. Her appearance just made him more guilty for what he was about to do next, she was too innocent to be a part of any of this. Other bullies of the school would just make her college years a living hell after today, if he did that- when he did that. Although, he was determined he wouldn't let anyone near her after today, it did little to no good easing his guilt.

Next thing he knew was that she was scooped up in his arms, her book on the floor, deep Y/E/C wide orbs staring back into his apologetic ones and her arms tight around his neck as if to make sure she wouldn't fall down—oh boy, only if she knew—and splash!

It was all a matter of seconds when he realized she was struggling to keep up on the surface, "The bet's over, I won!" He yelled at the couple of boys and three girls laughing behind him as he jumped into the pool to save the tiny bean.

"Look I'm sorry, I know it was an ass move but you gotta believe me, I didn't mean any of it. It was a bet, I mea-" He looked at her still baffled expressions, as she tried to regulate her breathing, "Are you okay?"

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" His eyes all but widened at the unexpected not-just-an-outburst but a hard slap to his face.

Turns out, she didn't need all that saving after all.

He chuckled at the memory. It's been three years, and they were still not friends. Gosh, what did he not do after that. Passed her sorry notes, apologized to her in person, waited for her outside her classrooms and even sneaked into her dorm earning an earful from the warden. Oh, Y/N still didn't know about the dorm one, not that she ever would. Finally, after all those efforts she sure forgave him, but they decided that they won't talk ever again. 

And they didn't.

It wasn't that he never wanted to. He did, he really did. Y/N really intrigued him, to the point he found himself staring at her just to study her, in hopes to look past the mysterious aura she carried. If he didn't know better, he would have thought he had a crazy crush on the girl. 

Right then, though, he hoped she came to Jo's party that evening, and he sure as hell hoped he could get some help winning over the beautiful girl he had gotten a crush on.

Lisa. 

______________

Chapter 2

_____________

A/N: Wellllll. I tried my luck again. I don't know how it turned out but ah. So it will have more parts, so if anybody of you wanna get tagged, send me an ask or reblog it with your comment. Feedback is really appreciated, so I can know if I should continue or not. Love❤️

Tags: @bi-danvers0

[queerchoicesblog]

A Few Words On Pride Month 2020

So, pride month has come at last. No matter how crazy it sounds right now as we're experiencing first-hand one of those events that will end up in history handbooks one day.

I'll be honest, it's quite difficult for me to talk about it now when everything that is not Mrs Rhona releted seems so well less relevant than it was before. But I want to share a few words that most likely nobody will read but I'll let them flow anyway.

I watch that video every single year during pride month. It's from a series I liked quite a lot back then, it's called Sense8. The character speaking is a trans woman, an lgbtq+ hacktivist, reminiscing her disastrous relationship with her transphobic mother yet finding strength in her own sorrow. There is a passage I love:

Today I'm marching to remember that I'm not just a me

But I'm also a we

And we march with pride

These words resonate with me: they summarise perfectly the deep empathy and acceptance that I feel should make us stick together. Both inside the lgbtqa+ community and as human beings: "I am a human being, and thus nothing human is alien to me". I'm quoting by heart a Latin playwright named Terentius (Terence in English, I guess?) so forgive me if I got something wrong but what I mean is...we should all care about each other because no matter our differences, our sexuality or color of skin or class, we are human. We are brothers and sisters: I'm an only child but I believe that the definition of a healthy family is one where people overcome differences that don't truly matter in the end, they don't define us as worthy or unworthy of love and respect which should always be given to another human being.

Unless there are valid reasons not to.

As the latest happenings in the world have shown, a hard truth we all know has been reinforced: we live in a cruel, unfair world where, as Nomi said, "hating isn't a sin on that list and neither is shame". A world where people get hurt or killed for reasons which can be hardly called a motive for violence: not being white, not being rich enough, being different, holding a hand or kissing a person of the same sex in the street.

We may comfort ourselves saying these fears were past fears, last century or even Victorian age fears but no, they're still out there. And we can't turn a blind eye.

The current pandemic added new ones, making our lives even more miserable. Speaking of the lgbtqa+ community, I think I can say the social distancing is hitting even harder. Does anybody feel lonelier now? I rise my hand, I do. I'm not referring to the fact that pride parades are cancelled (because we all know there is a freaking valid reason atm), but getting in touch with other people is way harder now. In my personal experience, getting in touch with fellow lgbtqa+ folks was rare even before the pandemic, now it's hella tough. In the street we hide our faces behind masks and don't have the same careless attitude we used to display. Shaking hands and even the lightest touch or proximity are not allowed under the new restrictions: a few weeks ago, over here a couple was charged for hugging each other in the street. How sad and dystopic are these times we live in...

Virtual meetings can help but they're not like in person meetings: the warmth of personal interaction is simply not there. We try but it's not there. Couples are separeted by lockdown rules and so are some families. Lgbtqa+ hotlines are a saving grace and I cannot stress enough how important they are and how anyone struggling with their mental health or literally anything concerning themselves, their gender and sexuality should feel free to contact those volunteers who are a blessing restoring a little faith in humanity.

My thoughts are for those of us who got stuck quarantining with homophobic/biphobic/transphobic etc parents or roommates, and those stuck in abusive contexts. Yes, even relationships because - I know I'll be super unpopular saying this but we can't lie especially to the minor or vulnerable ones- lgbtqa+ relationships can be abusive and toxic too. As I said, we're human and I am sick and tired of the honeyed sunshine rhetoric of lgbtqa+ people and love as an ever right and righteous safe haven. It is a safe haven for us to some extent but we must acknowledge there are problematic issues in our community. We have to be honest with each other especially for the sake not only of each other but for the vulnerable ones and the young. Like criticising or reporting abusers, predators, rapists and so on don't make us all filthy creatures who will burn on a stake for our abominable sins. It just makes us responsible and looking out for each other.

We spend so long dreaming of finding someone of the same sex to be with that when someone shows us any sign of affection our feelings for them grow fast, even when red flags or abuse enter our lives. We stay because we're hungry for love and crave what straighties seem to get so easily: love, acceptance, reciprocity. To the young and everyone who needs to hear this I wanna say: it doesn't have to be like that. Don't ever settle for cheap love only because you feel you will lose your only chance to be loved. There are good people out there too and you deserve one of them at your side. You will find them, your paths will cross: just be patient and never ever forget the importance of respect and consent.

To all those experiencing anything like the relationships or toxicity I mentioned, who feel silenced by the sunshine rhetoric, I say: you are not alone, stay strong and you did nothing wrong, others did and I'm sorry you're going through this cause you don't deserve it.

I share a similar shutout to those struggling with mental and/or physical disorders. If you ever felt pretty much invisible, you're not. I see you, many others see you and we're all rooting for you. You're stronger than you think and you're beautiful.

The not-as-unfortunate-as-the abovementioned but still quite forlorn are the star crossed lovers meeting that special someone in a bad time. Quarantine will see the blossoming of some romances but also takes no prisoners, blowing off others. They don't vanish though, in most cases they turn into those impossible loves and what if we love so much in the movies and hate in real life. I wish I could lay a blanket or pull into a tight hug all those going through this. Your pain is not irrelevant even if there are worst things in the world right now, our souls hurt for things like that. I hold your shaking hand wherever you are as you stare blankly at your phone, waiting for a message or a call that will never come, or you reminisce, listening to a romantic playlist you still have saved on your device. Your suffering is my suffering.

On a brighter side, cause I don't wanna be a complete downer, the luckiest ones among us are blessed with love and I can't be any happier for you, whoever you are. I can picture the one day a few years from now when I will be talking to someone and they will share their story saying how they met the love of their life during the pandemic. How it wasn't easy at first because of all the uncertainty and fears but they kept trying and it all started with a social distancing date at a park or via Zoom. You lucky ones, cherish that and never take what you have for granted: the love you feel and that special someone is showing you is a balsam in hard times. Please cherish it dearly and never stop loving: one day you'll warm these old bones and lonely heart if we ever get the chance to cross path.

Actually I don't have any more wisdom to share, granted what I wrote can be called wisdom, nor giveaway. I considered doing a lgbtqa+ one in honor of the pride month but I feel nobody would be interested. Or at least not by me and I fully agree: writing is getting hard and I feel like I risk of ruining everything I dedicate myself to, as I usually do in my life. I'll follow the tips of a few anons (I think?) and devote this month to educate myself over aspects, nuances or realities I am not fully familiar with: so I'll watch Pose and Sex Education. Hopefully I'll learn something new that might make me a better human being.

Feel free to share further advice: books, articles, movies, series, documentaries...you name it! Drop a message or an ask and I'll make what I'm starting now a lasting project!

That is my advice: if you're stuck inside with nothing much to do this month, find something that might enrich you, even a little thing, and go for it.

As well as reminding yourself the usual stuff: you are not wrong nor unlovable, you're not offensive or dirty for being attracted to your same sex or both or none. Not to quote Lady Gaga, but it's truly is that simple: you are born and beautiful this way.

Stay safe and stay strong, my darlings 🏳️‍🌈

Love,

E.

[epajournal]

Anonymous9837 Not seeing new messages? Click here to correct.

Anonymous9837:

22:17

While an IMALIVE Volunteer is joining this chat, please take a moment to read this disclaimer. If your chat disconnects unexpectedly, it may be caused by wifi network connection issues, so please log back in and start a new chat. IMALIVE chat is for those who are thinking about suicide or are in distress. If you are having trouble seeing new messages or typing, please select - Click here to refresh - on top of the chat window. If you or someone you know is currently in the state of medical emergency, please dial 911 or your local emergency number for an ambulance. The volunteer will not be able to locate you without your help. If you wish to speak to someone on the phone right now, you can also call 1-800-SUICIDE(784-2433) or visit befrienders.org to find your local hotline. Please stay online while the next available volunteer is connecting to the chat....

Alex:

22:18

IMALIVE Volunteer joined the chat.

Alex:

22:18

Hi, my name is Alex. May I ask your name?

Anonymous9837:

22:18

Hey there. I guess Elise, that's my real name.

Anonymous9837:

22:18

I don't know, I feel silly doing this at all. I guess first, how are you?

Alex:

22:19

It sounds like you're worried about being judged

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Well, I'm mostly worried about being whiny, honestly.

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Like... I don't know, I'm not in an immediate place where I'm going to hurt myself, honestly

Alex:

22:19

Why don't we start with what brought you here today

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I just know if I don't talk about it or at least let someone know I'm having bad thoughts that it'll swell into a pretty crappy place later.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

Well, I guess just... My life's in a real weird place. I'm on medication but I've been off it for a few days, back on it again. I've been in therapy for close to a year but my life just seems to be getting worse.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I think I need to get a new therapist or something, or at least talk to her about improving our sessions. But it's tough.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

I also know that we're at a place where it's like... There's not too much more she can do for me in a lot of ways.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

And I guess that's scary.

Alex:

22:22

It can be very discouraging when you feel the help you're getting isn't helping. It sounds like this is adding extra stress to your life at a very bad time

Anonymous9837:

22:23

I wish I had something that was more unknown to me or had some big revelation about why I'm all dysfunctional, but. I don't. I feel like a car that's been taken apart and clearly you can see things aren't working right, but somehow you can't get the pieces to fit back together right. There's not much more to do than just trash it, you know?

Anonymous9837:

22:23

And yeah, it's demotivating. It took me a long time to go to therapy again, I mean I went through a bunch of therapy as a kid and none of it was too much help. I took a chance with it again recently and it's just been...

Anonymous9837:

22:24

I guess a lot of it has been useful, at the very least I can say I'm working on it, but I just want to be... Not even "fine", but just better.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

It's hard to imagine a year ago that I was nearly a functioning person, but. I guess it's a real shaky support that keeps that facade going, things were clearly going wrong.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

Sorry, I feel weird not asking again, how are you?

Alex:

22:26

No need to feel weird. We are here to work with you and focus on how you are doing

Anonymous9837:

22:26

Well, thank you.

Anonymous9837:

22:27

I'm in my late twenties and live with my mom and brother... Our house isn't big enough for everyone so we ended up with me in the basement, but in the last few months I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore and moved upstairs, even though that means not having a room and sleeping in the living room.

Anonymous9837:

22:29

And it's been a rough adjustment. I can't get myself to take care of my messes easily as it is, so combine having a small house where I don't have a room, things build up, people get upset. I've been out of work since last July, I had some financial fortune to get by but I fucked that up pretty badly and I'm broke again, but I just... There's no way I can hold a job. My therapist and I are working on SSI but it just... takes a while, and it makes me feel like I'm a brat.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

My mom's disabled, physically, so it's like. I feel like I'm making an excuse for myself when I should just be having a job. I've worked before for years, but I just can't. I mean I can barely keep myself showered, or bother to eat, even though I'm a fat sunnovabitch because I rarely leave my house.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

So it's just... Things get tense. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

The answer seems to be that it'd be easiest if I weren't here, but aside from it being a scary idea, I know that'd be a lot of shit my family would have to go through.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

But I still think about it a lot, and it's upsetting.

Anonymous9837:

22:32

I just want to be left alone, honestly. I feel like most of my life I haven't had any chance to just "be". I want to exist but just barely, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:33

I've been working on it, it doesn't look like it, but I have been. I'm just not well, physically and psychologically. Today I started an herb garden, I'm raising them from seeds, hopefully they work.

Anonymous9837:

22:34

I try to take my dog out, I got a FitBit so I can be mindful of my movement. But as soon as I do these things, people think I'm shirking important things, but... I need to do anything I can now, because otherwise I just do nothing.

Alex:

22:34

You sound very invested in your recovery. It can be tough feeling like a burden on people, but it sounds like you have a family that you care about and that cares about you. So it sounds like at some point in the past you felt you were doing better, but you now feel yourself spiraling in a downward direction. You're not sure if it's the move to a less private living situation, or the medication or if you should try seeing a new professional and it sounds like all these factors are really overwhelming you

Anonymous9837:

22:35

I fantasize about running away a lot. But I have a dog who I feel like I need to be there for even though my family would take care of her, and I have a 20 year-old cat... And I don't want to ditch him.

Anonymous9837:

22:35

Yeah, that all sounds fair. I mean, it's a long history of dysfunction, I can't even tell you my family history and growing up.

Anonymous9837:

22:36

I guess the one good thing about therapy is I'm finally so tired of mourning my past because I just can't be bothered to talk about it anymore, which is saying something, because it's been the only thing I can discuss with any passion for a while.

Anonymous9837:

22:37

But now I'm just like, "here I am," and it's crappy. Like, that's done. There's nothing I can do that I haven't already to try and compartmentalize and digest it better. But I'm still messed up and now I'm an adult and nobody can fix it for me.

Anonymous9837:

22:38

Some days I feel okay. But I just... I'm tired all the time and I don't care about anything, the only thing that I actually feel emotionally responsive to is when I'm upsetting people.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I tried to move into my dad's a number of years ago after he told me there'd "always be a place" for me with him, and he knows things have been awful, and he's a lot to blame for it. But when I did, he suddenly didn't have room, which sucked. It kind of felt like I finally went to make a huge change in my life even though I was scared and ultimately was told, "nah." Like... Idk.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I just keep thinking I need to get out of here, and the only feasible way I can imagine that is to not exist anymore.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

But that's a whole mess to itself.

Anonymous9837:

22:40

It's a good thing I'm anxious about what happens after you die, though. A lot of the time that's the only thing that keeps me here-- I guess that's true for a lot of people, but still.

Alex:

22:41

There really is no easy fix, which can make things seem hopeless. Elise, have you been thinking about suicide?

Anonymous9837:

22:41

Oh sure, but that's nothing new. I think about it pretty constantly, but I'm not going to enact it.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

I walked in on my mom readying to kill herself when I was thirteen and decided I didn't want to do that to anybody.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

But it's still a thought, and it's one of those things where it's just... Super depressing to realize that's what you'd kind of like to do.

Alex:

22:43

But you haven't thought about how and when you want to kill yourself and you're able to stay safe while we continue to chat?

Anonymous9837:

22:44

Yeah, I'm okay. That's why I'm talking now, so I don't have more of these thoughts later. I took an Ativan recently and I'm getting pretty calmed down in addition to that. I'm not in any danger to myself now, but. It's preventative, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

I've never really thought /how/ I'd kill myself, they all seem pretty creepy. More of what would happen after, which I guess is less dangerous.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

(my ativan is prescription, btw, I don't use it often but I do have it officially for when I need it)

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just kind of needed someone to talk to so it didn't stay in my head and chest and get into Bad Territory.

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just hope I'll be Okay someday. I keep thinking I'm about to get to the final corner of this maze but it just keeps goddamn turning.

Alex:

22:47

Ok. Well Elise, what else do you think would help you right now? It sounds like having someone to talk to has helped with the stress a bit

Anonymous9837:

22:47

And it's tough, too, because you can't see all the progress you've made in these situations. But that's the depression talking.

Anonymous9837:

22:47

and yeah, it has, I'm getting pretty relaxed again already, so thank you for that.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I think I need to contact my therapist and discuss making our appointments more constructive, and contact my doctor to start finding a psychiatrist I like. My recent one retired.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

Which sucks, I really liked her.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I need to keep on my SSI application... And just keep working through my list of to-do's, since every one of those I complete makes me feel like I'm doing a little bit better.

Anonymous9837:

22:49

I guess for right now I should get something to eat or drink and do little things, maybe just fold my clothes while I watch a movie, and probably write in my journal.

Anonymous9837:

22:50

And maybe tonight I'll go for a drive for some privacy and have a good cry-- I've been needing to do that for a while now.

Alex:

22:51

It sounds like feeling like you are making steps toward your recovery is important to you. You have a very well built plan of next steps to take.

Anonymous9837:

22:52

Thanks, I guess it's a matter of me actually doing them, haha. My mom actually is out here trying to get me to talk to her and... I think I should, I don't mean to cut off from you so quickly, but I'm calmed down and I know there are people out there in actual danger.

Alex:

22:52

Would you like someone from the IMAlive Team to follow up with you? That follow-up would be via email, a few days after this chat.

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Mm... I think I'm okay, actually-- Or, would that be just a check-in, I guess?

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Sure, you can contact me at *********@gmail.com, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Gives me something to keep working on myself for so I can reply with positive news, haha.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Hopefully!

Alex:

22:54

A check-in. Ok Elise a member of IMAlive will follow up with you. In the meantime, be good to yourself smiley

Anonymous9837:

22:55

Thanks so much, I really appreciate you listening to me.

🙂

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