#grim & oliver༻you’re like lightening in a bottle

[monmonstres]

@skvtewitch 

Merry Christmas, here are some fucking feels

Fourteen. I met you in school. You were bragging about being the smartest kid. I called your bullshit. I was new, no one knew anything about me, but they quickly learned I was smart but I just didn’t care enough. My head was in the clouds filled with visions of rehearsals, recitals, my name up on the marquee lights, and ballet flats. You loved that but you didn’t let me float too far. You kept me on Earth and my head in the books. It was a competition that I only cared about because you did. It made you smile and laugh and I wanted that for you.

I started coming over all the time, I practically lived at your house. Your mom treated me no differently than you, although we were worlds a part. She got me shampoo and conditioner that I liked. She packed me lunch. I was home with you.

We snuck out most nights, just exploring the city. Looking at the dark city, looking at the sights it offered up now that we didn’t have when the sun shined high. All those concerts we snuck into, the things I stole from those places, I still hold them like the dearest things because they are. We got them together. I remember showing you the most sacred spot of the city, the one fire escape that had the perfect view into the ballerinas’ studio at Juilliard. The only place I thought I wanted to be.

We danced and cuddled a night. When my head felt like it was going to explode and I saw things humans should never, you were there, holding me close and reminding me that it wasn’t real. You and I were. I should have known.

Sixteen. I discover sex. It’s like my drug though I discover those too. Girls and some guys who are in tune with themselves to know what they like fall at my feet everywhere.

We’re still together most of the time, when I’m not with them or at practice which is slowly starting to eat more and more time away from our competition, our studying, but I have a good studio. A good teacher. I work myself nearly to death, before and after school, weekends, rain, snow, sun, it doesn’t matter. It’s paying off, some scouts from Juilliard are interested and I still have two years together. I’m working towards that studio that I still take you to look at sometimes. Sometimes when I feel like ripping my hair out, you bring me there to remind me why I’m doing this.

I mess around with all these people and I hardly pay attention to my grades besides what I need to fulfill my dream and I might be using my gift to cheat, and nothing makes sense. All I know is that despite everything, when I see you in the audience at my recitals, when you come to hug me offer the show, my heart skips a beat and that’s all that matters. I should have known.

Eighteen. I’m pretty sure both Andy and your mom want to throttle me, they know what I’m doing. They know I’m scared of everything but I deflect all their attempts to talk to me, but it doesn’t matter. I got it. I got in. I did it. I, Grimshaw Rory Williams, got into Juilliard. A full ride with a BFA and principals promised. I did that and I did that with you by my side. 

I should have told you that when I told you I got in. I should have told you that you were what got me in, I tried but you only praised me. I could see that fear in your eyes. You had lost so much of me in these past few years, you could only imagine what this school would do to us, and for the first time ever. I doubted if this is what I wanted. I should have known.

Twenty. I’m almost done with school. There’s a mess of hearts in my wake, a few ruined careers too. I’m the future face of ballet but everyone that knows anything about me at school knows I’m a snake. I will do whatever it takes to become number one. I’m scared that you’ll learn about this me. I’m scared that part of me will turn on you.

We got drunk the other night. We curled up like old times and for the first time in years, I remembered what love feels like. I told you everything, I apologized for everything. I said everything except what needed to be said. A truth buried so deep down that I can’t admit. I can’t admit that truth and I can’t admit my fear. I know now.

Christmas. Your mom is throwing a party like back in the old days. It hasn’t happened in a few years, or maybe they’ve had and I’ve been two busy, I can’t be sure if I’m honest, but here we are. It’s like the way it was and you and I are talking and laughing like we used to, and a jingle sounds above us. I look up first to see the mistletoe hanging above us, my eyes going directly to Andy who’s hiding a cheeky grin with a glass of wine. This is far from the first time this has happened. 

I turn to you, going for your cheek like I always did, but you grabbed my face and pulled me into a real kiss. This was far from my first real kiss, that happened years ago and I couldn’t name all the names since then but this felt more real than any of them. I froze like an idiot, not sure what to do.

I eventually laugh it off, like I always do and I can see it in your eyes again. The last time I saw that in your eyes was when I got that acceptance letter from Juilliard. My heart breaks and I, for a second time, rethink my choices. 

I left that party, and I left that party for the one place that I felt home. When you and I would go to that fire escape and dream about the future. It felt hollow though, without you. I watched someone in my class practice. Her name was Asterea and she was going far, I knew that. I watched her graceful lines moving like water, like all the times as a kid, but I knew where I went wrong. 

My professors always praised my abilities and talent but they all said the same thing: Take risks. Face your fears. “Well, suck it,” I spoke to myself, “I am going to do just that... Fuck me.”

Without giving myself a chance to rethink this, I went back home and found you, brushing past our moms and finding you out on the fire escape. I climbed through the window and before there was a reaction from you, I grabbed your face the same way you did to me and I pulled you down for a kiss. It was much more passionate but this time I wasn’t holding back. 

I rested my forehead against yours and the words came out of my mouth too fast for me to stop them. “I should have known. I should have but now I do. It’s you, it’s always been you. I always thought the dance studio was the only place for me, but I think my true home is your arms...” It almost hurts to say this, to be this open, but I know you. I know you won’t hurt me. “I love you Oliver, I’ve loved you since the first time you smiled.”