#got a big head when i listened to pink floyd and adults told me they were surprised i could ''appreciate that kind of music''

[shoechoe]

playing rap/hip-hop for family members who like making fun of your music taste and are that "i hate rap i don't consider it real music" type really spotlights how much they do not know anything about or listen to rap and their "criticisms" for it are a bunch of garbage that they wouldn't say about any other music genre

[so-shiny-so-chrome]

Witness: Kalashnikorn

Creator name (AO3): Kalashnikorn

Creator name (Tumblr): Main-force-patrol

Link to creator works: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalashnikorn

Creator name (other platform- please specify): @Riccarterfans (twitter)

Q: Why the Mad Max Fandom?

A: My interest in Mad Max started early. I was maybe 12-14 when my mom picked it up on VHS at a garage sale because she had fond memories of the film when it came out (she saw it in theaters, which is rare for her). We’re both fond of cars and dystopian/apocalyptic stuff, so I easily connected with the movie and fell in love with WAY too many of the characters. So there was my weirdo self, in the early 2000s, loving MM1 but not really having a fandom to join. I had fun on my own, drawing stuff, making toys of the characters, writing doofy adolescent fanfic. You know, the works. But I did it in isolation, because I was a LONELY kid. Not just in terms of fandom, there were just never other kids around, or adults (other than my parents) around. Therefore, I spent most of my time online, and lost countless hours lurking on the MadMaxMovies.com forum. But I didn’t feel safe talking to people there, because the only other fans were guys my dad’s age. For years, if I had any kind of fandom-related wish that I’d give an arm to fulfill, it was that other girls and queer folks would embrace the MM series so I could finally share my excitement with people that would “get” me. Fast forward to 2015. Fury Road fulfilled that wish. I knew tumblr was my best chance at getting those friends I’d wanted for so long. It’s better than I’d ever dreamed. Mad Max Fandom, I love you! Special shoutout to @d--t, @crunkmouse, @sillyb0yblue, @sleepymayo, @lethalpr0tector, @legendofstraydog, @partyinvalhalla and @vanessa-geraldine-carlysle! 

Q: What do you think are some defining aspects of your work? Do you have a style? Recurrent themes?

A: I love to write first-person fic that delves into the darker aspects of the human psyche. How do we justify killing others? What impact does a hypermasculine culture have upon a man with depression and anxiety? Is violence really the key to surviving the apocalypse? I also enjoy writing about people seeking control or freedom, and wrestling with that they believe they need to do to achieve that. 

Q: What (if any) music do you listen to for help getting those creative juices flowing?

A: Since I do first person, I like something to get me into the head of the character I’m writing, so I make playlists for certain characters. 99% of the time, anymore, I’m writing as Roop, so on his playlist I’ve got a bunch of stuff quasi-hipster stuff that touches upon themes of isolation, anger, violence, and feelings of helplessness. There’s a bunch of indie rock, some seventies stuff, and A LOT OF PINK FLOYD. Oh, and there’s some Aussie rock in there too, of course. 

Q: What is your biggest challenge as a creator?

A: Finding the time to write! 

Q: Which character do you relate to the most, and how does that affect your approach to that character? Is someone else your favourite to portray? How has your understanding of these characters grown through portraying them?

A: Roop… And Roop.  And my understanding of him has absolutely grown through portraying him. He’s a character that’s in MM1 for like.. Ten minutes? And after the opening chase scene, he hardly has any lines. But Steve Millichamp does an excellent job portraying him with his posture, body language, etc. So I gleaned ideas from his non-verbal performance. Honestly, if you look at the number of times he makes a mopey face, it’s astounding. Other times, he looks at Fifi for guidance, the way a kid looks at a parent or teacher. He doesn’t seem to have any friends at work, partially due to his own personality. I could go on for hours. From all that, I extrapolated that he’s basically caught between childhood and adulthood, and he’s trying to sort out what it means to be a good cop and a good person. Sometimes those things aren’t congruent, and it tears him up because he’s a very type A, hardworking perfectionist. Growing up, he was told that he was gifted, smart, etc., and he feels like an imposter because he fixates on his shortcomings and mistakes. And when trying to live up to this impossibly high standard, he puts a lot of pressure on himself and struggles when he has to surrender or when he fails. There’s a ton more, but those are the highlights. The vast majority my MM/Roop fic stays offline. Pretty much all of it is irrelevant to the rest of the Mad Max universe, so there’s no point in posting it. It’s taken on a life of its own. Of course, some people have let me know that they dislike or disagree with my characterization of Roop. That’s fine. Nobody’s forcing them to read my fic.

Q: Do you ever self-insert, even accidentally?

A: Oh hell yes. And I’m completely shameless about it, because I don’t think the practice should be taboo or frowned upon. We wouldn’t shame an actor who tapped their lived experience to bring authenticity to a role, would we?  I think we should extend the same understanding to writers. Aside from being a great way to understand more about our selves, enjoy an escapist fantasy, or work through trauma, I think self-insertion can be a great way to evoke emotional authenticity in a story.

Q: Do you have any favourite relationships to portray? What interests you about them?

A: I pretty much stick to what I consider my strength, which is genfic. So I mostly stick to portraying platonic interactions, both friendly and unfriendly. I particularly like exploring how Roop interacts with/judges his co-workers. I’m also fond of writing about good moms who love and encourage their kids. Sometimes the mom is the viewpoint character, sometimes it’s the kid. Regardless, I like looking at how parental relationships can shape a person’s worldview.

Q: How does your work for the fandom change how you look at the source material?

A: My work makes me hyper-analyze MM1 and its novelization. I mostly write MM1 fic because I feel like we could have gotten a lot more mileage out of exploring MM1’s world, before society fully broke down and became the more fantastical wasteland we know and love in MM2, MM3, and MMFR. As much as I like the later worldbuilding stuff, I can really appreciate watching a civilization crumble in a grounded, slow-burning manner. 

Q: To break or not to break canon? Why?

A: Depends on what you mean by “break.” I think a lot purists would say that I break canon, so I’ll put it this way: I like to write stories where I add to canon without directly contradicting it. We’re never shown Roop’s home life, for instance. It’s free real estate! I do this because I just want MORE MM1. More Roop, more MFP, more Armalites, all of it. I don’t feel the need to change anything, just add more volume to it. That said, I love it when others break canon! I have a ton of fun reading AUs and alternate scenes. 

Q: Share some headcanons

A: GRAB A SEAT AND PUT YOUR SITTIN’ PANTS ON. Here we go: In addition to recruiting local police officers and other traditional recruiting strategies, the MFP uses conscription to fill out its ranks. Roop is one such draftee. Roop doesn’t spend any time with Charlie outside of work. He really just tries to minimize contact with the guy. If we do all my Roop headcanons, we’ll be here until the Miller completes MM5. Charlie wanted to go seminary school and become a priest, but was drafted. Losing his voice pretty much killed his dream of preaching. Fifi takes an interest in his men, but only so he can better manipulate them into staying/reenlisting. Bubba was a former MFP officer who went rogue once budget cuts and bureaucratic decisions made law enforcement abandon his rural hometown.

Q: Who are some works by other creators inside and outside of the fandom that have influenced your work?Inside the fandom, the old RP crowd and I bounced a lot of ideas off each other, and interacting with their muses helped Roop’s story grow by leaps and bounds (finger guns at @d--t’s OC, Renholder, @vanessa-geraldine-carlysle’s portrayal of Charlie, and @legendofstraydog’s OC, Syrup!) Outside the fandom, my biggest influences are Kurt Vonnegut, J.D. Salinger, Quentin Tarantino, the Coen Brothers, and Sam Esmail.

Q: Have you visited or do you plan to visit Australia, Wasteland Weekend, or other Mad Max place?

A: Not yet, but I'd love to go someday!

Q: Tell us about a current WIP or planned project

A: “Autotomy” is my big current WIP. It’s 7 chapters into its 9 or 10 chapter run (I’ve literally got chapter 8 open in another window as I’m writing this). It follows Roop immediately after MM1 ends. He sees the aftermath of Max’s rampage, and begins to question his own ideals. Then his morals are put to the test when an unexpected guest arrives at his home. The word “autotomy” describes cutting off a part of oneself to escape a greater threat. Think of a lizard that sheds its trapped tail to avoid being eaten. I’m using it in the literal and metaphorical sense. At the end of MM1, we see someone have to make a literal life-or-limb decision. And in this story, Roop has to decide whether or not to cut off the toxic ideology that has guided his actions.

Thank you @main-force-patrol @richardcarterfans some of your tags got lost in reformatting.  You may want to retag your peeps

[twilightculture]

Could I maybe get a describe yourself for a story thing? My name is Emily. People tell me that I'm classically beautiful. I'm very smart, and enjoy time to myself. I love listening to music and my fav band at the moment is Pink Floyd. I'm very smart and want to be a pediatrician one day. I give off the vibe of being shy and possibly a bit weird. I'm not the best at making friends, but I really want to be liked. I'm very mysterious. I enjoy dark, rainy, winter days. I'm an INTJ or INTP. Thanks!!

I didn’t write this one like the others but honestly this was my favorite one to write. And also you sound like really cool so yeah :)

Emily/ Werewolf

Story: You grew up in the valley in Montana, you didn’t have many friends because your house was far away from town and your parents homeschooled you. When you were a child your father refused to tell you about your heritage since you were half native Indian and half white you knew enough about white folk like your mom thanks to your history books but you wanted to know more about your dad’s past. Your dad was bit of a hot head and would explode when you asked, as you got older he was calmer or maybe it was because he made you hand shy about asking. He would always get mad of the smallest things going out for a run daily he would run for hours, you always thought you were driving him away that he didn’t love you. When you told your mom this she cried, that night you woke up to hear them both arguing about something you tried to ignore it but your house wasn’t all that big so that was pretty much impossible. “You have to tell her one day or another!” Your mom yelled “Stop throwing gasoline to the fire Julie! I don’t want to hurt you goddamn it!” Your father yelled after that the voices fell silent a few minutes later you heard the front door slam. That next morning your dad took you to the local pancake house and you ordered your first cup of coffee, since that night your dad worked hard to build a bond with you. When you were a sophomore you were in your room working on your biology homework when you dad swung your door open you at first thought he was losing his head about the dishes that were pilling up in the sink that you were to lazy to get around to do today but you froze with fear when you saw the tears falling down his cheeks, your father was a proud man you had never seen him cry.

“Em pack a bag” You dad gasped like his body was out of breath.

“What why, where is mom?” You asked this just caused your dad to cry harder.

“Get a bag packed now. They are coming Emily” You dad finally calmed himself enough to tell you, with the urgency in his voice you grabbed your backpack out of your closet throwing to outfits in there the picture of you and your parents and a few small things then zipped it up.

“Who is coming dad?” You asked him almost in tears yourself.

“A cold one, please Emily stop asking questions and put your boots on” You did as he said then he dragged you by your arms into your living room.

“Emily listen to me” Your dad bent down  to look into your eyes you lip started to shake and you felt tears fill your eyes you were scared.

“You are the most wonderful thing this life has given me, you are smart and beautiful you are a dreamer someone who can only succeed. I need you to be strong I love you more than life itself. I put address in the GPS drive until you get there make as little stops as you need to”  You dad handed you a handful of bills rolled in a circle being held together with a rubberband.

“You aren’t coming with me?” You asked this time really crying.

“No sweetheart, I will meet up with you later. Your mom was right I shouldn’t have hid my past from you. I used to live in a reservation in Washington on the beach, it is a beautiful beach my brothers still live there. I gave you the address they last had ask for Sue Clearwater or Billy Black. I wish I had more time to explain I wrote a letter it is in the glovebox. Do. Not. Read. It. Until you have found one of those two people show them the letter. I love you” You dad pulled you into a hug then quickly pulled your crying body to the family truck he grabbed you backpack throwing it in the truck along with the money both landing swiftly on the seat. Your father turned to say something but then growled, like literally growled. He picked you up putting you into the truck and buckling you in.

“Go right now Emily, do not look behind you until you reach the main road you got me?” You dad asked you nodded trying to process your dads words and clear your vision, the truck door shut and your dad banged on the glass.

“Emily. Now!” Your dad yelled at you in the most terrifying voice you screamed then started the stuck barely changing park to drive then peeled out of the driveway throwing gravel everywhere. You stopped a few times for gas jumping at every sound constantly looking over your shoulder. When the GPS alerted you that you were twenty minutes away from your destination you were practically asleep at the wheel, you saw a group of kids walking down the side of the road you pulled to a stop and rolled down your window.

“Um hi!” You called to them, it took them 5 seconds to realize you were a young female then they all ran at the truck with friendly smiles, they were all in basketball shorts and t-shirts even though it was cold outside you had your heater on high.

“What can we help you with?” One of the guys asked while another punched his arm.

“Um.. D-do you know where to find uh Sue Clearwater?” You asked trying hard not to cry even though you had no more tears to shed all of the boys heads turned to look at one kid.

“That’s my mom?” He asked his face confused.

“My dad said he had brothers here and that Sue would help me. H-he’s in trouble I need her help” All the boys started mumbling you heard a few words. Sam, vampires, legends and a few fucks.

“Let me in and I’ll take you there, I’m Seth Clearwater by the way” You normally wouldn’t let a stranger in your truck but jesus you were scared to be alone right now.

When you arrived after Seth asked you 50,000 questions you jerked the letter out of the glove box seeing your dad’s familiar hand writing.

Em Bear I am sorry I kept this part of your life in the shadows it was wrong of me I was going to tell you when you were older, but that day probably wouldn’t have ever came since I see you as my little princess. I don’t have much time to write this so here it goes. Vampires are real as are werewolves- shape shifters if you will. I know because I am a werewolf that is why I would always leave when you were little not because I didn’t love you babygirl. A old vampire from the past that I was hiding from found us, he is mad I killed his mate, he killed your mother I am sorry I wish I could tell you this in person, I am going to miss you. You were the brightest thing in my life. I am afraid I won’t be meeting up with you baby. But your family is there and they will love you- stay safe buttercup give this to the nearest adult on the rez as soon as you finish this sentence love youXo daddy

You dropped the letter, Seth picked it up his eyes reading the words your vision started going blurry your body started shaking like you were sobbing but no tears were coming out. Your insides were burning your head felt like it was going to explode.

“Emily wait- oh my god. Mom call Sam!” Seth yelled really loudly then next thing you knew you were eye level with Seth power was racing through your veins you knew what had just happened like your brain knew this was coming. Seth ran back then his clothes exploded and he was a brown wolf you tried to scream but a howl came out instead.

Emily it’s okay I’m here Seth said but you heard his voice inside your head.

Those next few months were the hardest months of your life. You had great friends to help you. The most surprising friends you made were actually vampires especially Edward Cullen you and him bonded over music even if 90% of the time you guys were arguing about music he liked you because you said exactly what you thought. His father Carlisle let you volunteer at the hospital your Senior year of high school it was probably the best thing to happen to you since everything happened. Billy Black your friend Jacob’s father answered all your questions and then some. Even if Jacob was a little bit of a bitch you loved his dad. You ended up living with Emily and Sam, Emily helped home school you while Sam taught you control. Not saying your life was easy, your dreams were still just nightmares, thunderstorms made you uneasy and you wanted your dad. When you felt bad you wanted your mom’s warm hugs but if you closed your eyes tight enough it was like you could see them, missing them never got easier but you learned how to deal with it.

[skiasurveys]

Talk about...

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. - I cant remember that well since I was a little kid.. ( The lion king), um but I remember being so into it and I loved animals and it kind of started me wanting to draw. But i cant remember the first time i watched it. 

2: Talk about your first kiss.  We were really awkward, I liked him..but not enough, and so we went driving around, got starbucks, and then found this bench and we were talking/flirting, and then he just kissed me. But it was nasty asf, it was so gross. his spit was all over me, blehh. I hated it. I remember being like if this is kissing i do not want it. It wasnt tell i kissed another person that i was like Oh thats what its supposed to be like..

3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for. He is my current boyfriend. We met on Okcupid in 2015 right after i had finished high school. It was like September. its funny because i wasnt rly serious on that site but then I started to talk to him and we hit it off really well.. we dated for  a week then broke up LMAOOO. But then in April 2016 we started to talk again and in May we dated. so its been a year so far, and i am really in love with him. He and I click very well, he’s  7 years older than me. we play video games together but sometimes i watch him play by himself cus its fun that way too. He likes anime tho and i hate it lol. hes very funny and he can be super sweet and romantic and sometimes hes jusr a fkn nerd. idk what else to say before i start going on forever about it.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.  Meeting the dude who assaulted me. we were just friends and i had a bad feeling about him but i shoved it off. and then he attacked and assaulted me. I wish i went with that gut feeling. Thank god hes gone.

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.  My best birthday was either my 18th or 19th. My 20th was boring. But my 18th I got a wii U and i got drunk too, and i had fun. but yeah, like idk the best prob was when i was a child and had lotsa friends and cake.

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.  My 16th because my dad was dying.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.  My biggest insecurity is my body shape.weight. I just hate it because I feel fucking ugly and fat and I really am not, but idk i just want to be skinny and tiny.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of. I am proud that i graduated and got my license, since I was struggling to graduate which was like 2 years ago but i was going through a lot.

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my eyes, and I do like that i have small hands and feet. ( its easy to find shoes). But I also like my legs and that I have a bigger butt. 

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.  theres been a few. But i think with my ex friend who just said she hated me and it was random asf, but she ghosted on me after and so it wasnt really a fight. another one i had was when i started to date my current BF and he wasnt being the best and I was like maybe i should drop him so i tried too and then we fought and then we actually were adults and explained the situation and we sorted it all out. since then we have been so good. like we know how eachother works. Lol fuck.

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had. I cant think of one.

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had. i had a nightmare where this creepy ass creature was crawling up my walls and turned its head all around and had lifeless eyes and creepy sharp jagged teeth, and it was just terrifying. but then my mom killed it.. wtf

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The first time i had sex I was super nervous. ( It was with my current bf), and we tried and then i started to cry because I was nervous and also from my trauma, and then he was like okay thats fine. Then later that night he asked if we wanted to try again so I said sure. and so we started to make out and then before i knew it was actually inside me and I was like wtf that wasnt bad, and it felt really good. It wasnt overly romantic like they make in movies but it was super good and he was slow and good with me. ever since then i crave dick every minute LMAOOO.

14: Talk about a vacation.  I went to disneyland with my mom the year i was graduating high school. It was so much fun, I felt so safe and happy . I cant really explain what i felt just felt like everything was gonna be OK and the rides were just so awesome and the food was great lol

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.  It was when I was starting to date Connor again and we were hanging out and I was like wow, my life is going perfect right now and I felt so happy.

16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to. I never go to parties but the one i went to was at my boyfriends friends house and I just started to drink rum n coke and it was really good and made lots of friends but there wasnt that many people there but i felt really happy.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.  I cant think of anyone lol

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.   i got bullied alot for stupid shit.

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.  I was in foods class and I was with my friend Jenna, Brittney, Shae and Julia. There was orientation for the kids from elementary that night, and so we asked if we could stay extra and make the cookies and so we were allowed. Then Julia and Shae left to use the washroom. Jenna and I had finished up and were heading to our other class, and as we walked in there was a alarm for a lock down and we were like holy shit. There was somekid with a knife walking around. they calmed him down, but it was really creepy. But our friend brittney was by herself in the foods room and she was crying and i felt so bad omg rip brittney

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.  I had math class one afternoon and the class before me apparently this girl had a seizure. But i didnt know, so when we walked in the classroom I was like wtf why are the desks all pushed around and so i thought they did some activity, but it turns out this girl had a seizure, and my friend told me about it and how it was super traumatizing our teacher even got bit. it was really weird..

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.  He is my friend still but he really liked me and he asked me out and I had to tell him No and i said that i wasnt looking for a relationship but it was super awkward but hes cool.

22: Talk about your worst fear.  choking.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down. I really liked this one guy and we went on a first date and then he asked if  i wanted to chill the next week and so i said sure. But then that day he had texted me and said he was busy and that i couldnt come over and so I was like Oh ok, cool. and then he told me to make sure i wasnt looking for anything serious, and then so i never saw him again after the first date. But he was really boring so thank god i didn’t. and its funny cus a few months after he had some gf and i think he is still with her cus i would see them at the mall all the time. but yeah im glad it didnt work out!

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. One night ( this is cheesy ) It was like 4 am and Connor was watching TV and I was scrolling through tumblr lookin at funny memes/posts and he just turned and looked at me and said “Jen, youre my best friend” and it just made my night. It was super sweet and i felt great. 

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.  ho ho ho okay, so we were friends since grade 9 summer/beg of grade 10. we were close asf, we liked the same shit, we thought the same. she was great. she was the first best friend i ever had rly. so a couple times through out our friendship she would kind of vanisha nd not talk but it was her depression and it was annoying asf. anyways.. after grade 12 grad  (this is like oct 2015), i tried to message her but it wouldnt let me! so i soon realized she blocked me on everything. i texted her thanks for that and then feb 2016 we became friends again, then may 2016 she ghosted on me but she finally sent message saying how she hated me etc and really too this day it hurts but i still dont know what actually fucking happened.

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.  if im really sick  i just sleep and watch youtube videos. or ill have a bath.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.  i really love my boyfriends arms. theyre so big and strong. mmmm.

28: Talk about your fetishes.  i dont rly have a fetish tbh.

29: Talk about what turns you on.  i like when my bf dominates me, but not too hardcore. I like neck kissing, facial hair, deep voices, motivation. I like being tackled like play fighting and i like when he touches my thighs etc. mm

30: Talk about what turns you off.  being an asshole, racist/sexiest, if youre super smelly. if youre really tall and skinny.

31: Talk about what you think death is like.  i dont know. its probably weird asf.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.  i remember this place called Moonwalkers and it was this crazyass jungle gym we had and it was the best shit ever.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.  i draw, listen to music, have a bath..etc

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured. getting hit by a car.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.  i wish i would stop comparing myself to every fucking person i see.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.  some anime. 

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. i thought i loved wade, but i really was just liking the idea of someone. this was in high school. lol it was really weird and i didnt like it.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. it depeds on the song and the person. pink floyd reminds me ofmy ex friend. Anime/kpop songs remind me of Kyra and super lovely songs and omam remind me of connor

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.  not everyone you lose is a loss.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life. the end of high school and teenage years was really weird. i remember feeling so out of place and not sure what t do with myself.

[bgtdw]

Safe Word

Dave was fifteen minutes late when he finally arrived at work, and that didn’t include the thirty minutes he was supposed to arrive early from being behind the previous evening.

He didn’t think of himself as a lazy person or a slacker, but he had a difficult time maintaining a schedule and tended to get distracted by whatever was in front of him.  This had been a problem for him from the time he was young resulting in a steady stream of scoldings and groundings from his parents and endless reprimands from school officials for tardy attendance and incomplete homework assignments.

It would have been simple enough to try and sneak past his manager Mitch’s office on his way to his locker, but Dave decided against it and knocked on the door frame.

“Hey man, I’m really sorry I’m late again.”  Dave said.  “Traffic was a total nightmare.”

Mitch ran a hand through his hair sweeping it back off his forehead and looked up at Dave.

“It’s alright, but let’s try not to make a habit of it, okay?”

“Definitely not...thanks Mitch.”

“No problem.”

There were few sweeter words in the English language to Dave than, ‘No problem’.

He had a knack for bringing out this kind of spontaneous compassion in people.  Part of it probably had to do with his own laidback nature, which seemed to permeate the personalities of those around him, but sometimes he swore there was almost something mystical or magical about it.

This certainly hadn’t been true when he was a kid. In addition to constantly getting in trouble with the adults in his life, he had also received his fair share of ass kickings from his peers for saying or doing the wrong thing or for simply being small enough to knock around without fear of physical repercussions.

The first time Dave noticed the effect he had on people was during his junior year of high school.  He had grown his hair out and started sporting Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd t-shirts as part of his regular attire after delving headlong into pot the previous summer. He’d only tried weed a couple of times before then, but was now getting stoned on a fairly regular basis.  Being altered, as he liked to think of it, helped him get out of his head and made it easier to deal with his teachers and his mom, who’d become borderline unbearable ever since Dave’s dad had split a year back.  The mellow he felt in his altered state seemed to affect not only himself but those around him, like they were somehow all sharing the same buzz.  Dave initially chalked up the group attitude adjustment to him being less of an all-out spaz, but even back then he suspected this wasn’t the whole truth.

After graduating college he’d had to cut way back since the temp agency he worked for performed regular drug testing.  He missed being high, but that sense of wellbeing he’d felt seemed to remain intact even when he wasn’t indulging.  Dave wasn’t sure if his personality had slowly changed over time to coincide with the low-key demeanor the drugs had helped facilitate, but whatever it was, adults, children, even animals seemed to mellow in his presence.

Dave waved to Mitch as he exited the store and then started cataloging the stack of new releases to get them ready for the floor.  Out of the thirty or so albums he flipped through, he’d only recognized a few of the artists and it made him feel suddenly old and out-of-touch.  After finishing with the new merchandise displays he set about tiding up the racks from the day shift.  It drove him nuts the way people just left the records and CDs scattered about as if taking ten seconds to put them back in their proper place was some major inconvenience.  He was scanning over the Q through S rack of the Classical section when he came across Howard Jones’s Dream Into Action.

“Fucking assholes.” Dave said and grabbed the CD, which revealed a collection by Stravinsky as next in the row.

Track one off that album, “Things Can Only Get Better”, had been a big hit for Jones in ‘85 and Dave remembered hearing it on the radio and liking it until someone informed him that it wasn’t the new Thompson Twins single.  Looking back now he wasn’t sure what was more embarrassing, his misunderstanding over the song’s author, or the fact that he didn’t think the song was cool enough to listen to after he’d learned the truth about it.

“Excuse me, do you have the new Depeche Mode album?”

Dave looked up from the rack he was sorting through to find a twenty-something woman with short, black hair and a tiny gold hoop nose-ring only a few inches from his face.

“Uh...yeah...we’ve got that in.”  Dave said in a way that sounded more like he was asking himself a question rather than making a statement.

“Can you show me where it is?”

“Oh, sure, of course, right this way.”  Dave said and started walking toward one of the end-cap displays on the other side of the store.  

“Is the new album any good, I haven’t heard it yet?”  Dave said as he led the woman down one of the maroon-carpeted aisles.

“Yeah, I think it’s great. That’s why I’m getting it.”

“That makes sense.” Dave said, wishing he could stop coming across like he’d been recently lobotomized.  

“It’s right over there.” Dave said, gesturing to the display. “Sorry if I acted like a dope before. I didn’t sleep well and my head’s still a bit fuzzy.”

“Fuzzy, yeah....” the woman said and swayed a little on her feet.

“Are you all right? Dave said.

“...I’m fine...just a little...ya know...fuzzy....”  

Dave barely managed to stop the woman from cracking her head as she collapsed beside him, toppling the cardboard display on her way down and sending the square plastic jewel cases skittering across the floor.  He could see that she was still breathing and didn’t appear to be undergoing any kind of seizure or convulsion.  It didn’t really seem like she’d passed out, more that she’d spontaneously fallen asleep and Dave wondered whether she was a narcoleptic.  He took off the red cotton vest with Music Metropolis stitched on the left side and balled it up under her head.  

The store was empty aside from the two of them, but Dave kept looking back over his shoulder at the woman as he hurried over to the info desk to call an ambulance.  While he waited for the paramedics he sat down next to the woman and tried talking to her, but the only response she made was to flip over on to her other side and scrunch up her legs like a cat taking a nap in a pool of afternoon sun.

After what felt like an eternity Dave finally saw flashing lights coming from the parking lot and he headed over to the front of the store.

“She’s over there.” Dave said, holding open the door and pointing to the spot where the woman lay still surrounded by CD cases, which reflected the lights back up making it seem like she was in a ring of tiny moons.

One of the EMTs went to her while the other turned to Dave.  “Can you tell us what happened?”

“It’s like I told the emergency operator.  I was showing her where an album was and we were talking and she was fine, then all of the sudden she just fell over.”

“Did she say or do anything unusual right before it happened?”

“Not really; I mean she said she felt fuzzy, which is what I had said I felt like, and then she hit the deck.”

“Did it look like she might’ve been drinking or on drugs?”

“I don’t think so. When she came in she seemed sober as a nun.  I’m the one who acted like a stumbling drunk.  I’ve got chronic insomnia and I only slept a few hours; been walking around this place like a zombie.”

“Zombie….”

“Yeah, you know, like Night of the Living Dead.”

“Right, right, Night of the Living Dead with all those folks coming up out of their graves and going around chasing people and—”

This time Dave wasn’t fast enough.  

The medic listed to the side and was on the ground before Dave had a chance to move.

“Mike?” the other EMT said looking up from the woman and over at Dave. “What the hell did you do to him?!”

“I didn’t do anything!” Dave protested.

“Don’t you fucking move. I’m calling the cops.”

Dave stood there like a deer in headlights for a moment and then bolted out the front door.  He heard the medic yelling after him, but he didn’t look back or stop running until he was blocks away with his legs trembling from the exertion and his lungs burning as he gulped in air.

He leaned against the chain link fence that bordered the south end of a park near his house trying to remember if he’d told the 911 operator his name, though even if he hadn’t they still knew where he worked.  Dave tried to think, to formulate some rational explanation for what had happened, but his mind wouldn’t stop flashing images of prison bars and electric chairs at him and he suddenly felt like he was going to throw up.

All he wanted was to go home and lie in his bed so he could finally wake up from this horrible nightmare.

Dave didn’t know what he would say to the police when they finally came for him.

He wasn’t sure what was safe to say anymore….

[tinderellaola]

the last time I was “in love”

I have not been in a relationship in 4 years and that fucks me up. it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. if there's something wrong with other people. if they're hard to please. if I'm hard to please. sometimes I want a hookup and even that's hard to get because men don't like easy women. other times I'll make a vow to not hook up and that's when men enjoy the chase. coming out bisexual hasn't increased my chances of having a partner either. women in Toronto, I'm guessing, want a Ruby Rose lookalike or someone to listen to Tegan and Sara with (I love them but not enough to point it out in my profile, I guess), or they want someone who looks like Ellen Page. I've had the luck of matching and talking to beautiful fellow brown girls just like myself, and who I've sincerely always liked and hope is not some disgusting fetish, even though South Asian brown girls are desexualised (oh yes, even the light-skinned ones!). but eventually I just don't like the girls like that anymore. I start to understand the men who reject me after a first date. even though they're very pretty and nice and still have things in common with me, I just don't feel a spark. I could also bring up the fact that one girl backed away from me once she asked me how did I confirm I'm bi and I answered her.

it's not as if I haven't been in love with ANYbody since my toxic one-year relationship a couple years ago (need I point out that *I* was the toxic one with my yelling and ambiguity of what I want that could be mistaken or actually seen as controlling and manipulative. there was also my insecurity which definitely didn't go hand-in-hand with my ex's superiority complex and sensitive soul). there was, well let's call this guy... Tom (not a name I've ever dated before so this is safe).

Tom was a wonderful chaotic mess. he was a Sagittarius if that tells you enough. but even before I knew his star sign, Sagittarius was one of my two guesses. he had to either be a Sag or an Aquarius. Tom and I matched May 2015, 2 days after I had a hookup with one other guy named... I'll say Carpet. not to mention, Carpet was very nice and fun and considerate by trying to get me home on time to my religious family who I had to lie to by saying I was just out with friends.

anyway Tom and I matched 2 days after Carpet and I hooked up. he messagd me "Strokes shirt = good sign" in reference to the Strokes shirt I was wearing in one of my profile pictures. I checked his profile to try and see who I right-swiped on; it was some white boy with curly light brown hair, small blue eyes, and a goti; he had a posed shot of himself, another where he was diving into a lake from some cliff, and another of him drumming on his kit. so I messaged him back and we set a date for tomorrow pretty breifly into the conversation, with both of us trusting ourselves that we'll just click better in person. I gave him my number, he texted his name and that he's from tinder, I tried to prolong a conversation unintentionally, and got no message back until the day of our date.

he texted me and asked if we were still on for today. I said yes. so we met up a couple hours after that text, on our set time, with nothing in particular planned. he recently moved to my city and was living with his aunt and uncle. even though I've been in the city my whole life, I was not very good at giving directions. so we met up in this quaint downtown and I told him to "meet me at that wine bar if you know it." so yeah we met outside the wine bar, with no intention to go there. so he mentioned having a car and offered to buy some beers at the nearest liquor store, go to the lake, and chat. I said okay. so we did just that.

we sat by the lake and talked, and I gave him some of my Camel cigarettes in exchange for the beers. we talked about ourselves just as any date should be; our jobs/education, our siblings, our parents, concerts, weed, acid trips, our friends, dogs, That 70s Show being the retro weirdos we were, and so on. he did bring up some ex girlfriends and I thought nothing of it at the time. I was just enjoying his company, being happy to have gotten this date and not caring about the hookup with Carpet anymore. hell, I didn't even care if I would hook up with Tom or not, despite having a vow to just hook up with people summer 2015.

the date did end with us fucking in his car though, and he dropped me home even though it was out of his way. we talked some more, and he told me that guys don't actually brag about having sex. like, it's mentioned in locker rooms but no specifics are brought up. I was pretty tipsy in his car so I zoned out sometimes and told him I forgot to tell him to make a turn somewhere. but yeah we found the way eventually, we kissed goodnight, and we joked about who should text who.

the day after, he texted me and asked if I wanted to smoke pot with him tomorrow. I had to say no because my parents wanted me to help out with yardwork, which I didn't even have to do anymore! still, Tom and I had a couple more dates. well, only 2 good ones if I'm gonna be honest now, or 3... I'll explain.

the second date, we met outside "that wine bar" again, went to this pipe shop where he bought the pipe, walked to his car where he claimed to just be picking up the weed from, but got us to sit in the car, and be thrilled about having some cocaine in the same stash he had his weed. I nodded my head slowly, trying not to be so alarmed by this, and just thinking he wouldn't have some lines in front of me. but he DID. he got out a CD case, put some lines there, and once I processed this I freaked out, like "omg you're doing this RIGHT now?" he freaked out back, like, pretending to be considerate and reassuring me that coke wears out in an hour. I reminded him that we're cruising soon so he shouldn't drive just yet. he said he wouldn't, so he asked for my OK. I uncomfortably said fine. I tried to let that slide along with the mentions of ex girlfriends. we had a fun rest of the time finally finding a place to smoke, it was by some beach with just some other couple about our ages there and neverminding that young adults smoke pot.

we also walked and took turns going to a bathroom at the back of a grocery store. then we went back to his car, with the weed high going away even for my sensitive body and my lightweight-ness. we got poutine and went back in the car to listen to the Distillers, the music being my choice because he was cool enough to let me do that (believe it or not, men hardly ever let you choose the movie or music and so on so this was pretty big of him to me!).

we called it ane early night. he started working 5am-3pm shifts, which he happily told me about so that we could hang out earlier than the evenings now. still, after the second date I hadn't seen him in over a week. we weren't even texting. last time I did text him was to ask coke for a friend of a friend and he said he couldn't text anything like this to me right now and that he has to deal with some stuff right now. I respected that, kinda sensing that he was in trouble but still a little paranoid I was doing something wrong myself.

I saw him again after I slept over at a friend's house about a half away hour. we (my friends and I) pulled an all-nighter just partying with some of her classmates and dealing with the cops and inspecting the house (thankfully, these white dudes running the party had their weed in a seemingly obvious spot like by their computers but not where the cops checked anyway). anyhow I was exhausted af. my brother (who is just a year younger than I am and is one of my best friends so we were always rebellious together) picked me up from my friend's place. on the way back home, Tom texted me and told me he just got his own place, still in my city, and was inviting me over. being the smitten kitten I was at the time, I said okay and that I'll be about an hour. I wanted to go home and shower off this party smell and tiredness for a cute dude I've only met twice.

so I did all that, and Tom offered to pick me up. I told him that'd be cool, just not outside my house directly in case my mom would come home from work soon. so I met up with him at a plaza just a block down. he eagerly greeted me and we had some small talk. after that fuzzy stuff, I asked him how his week's been and why he stopped texting and suddenly wanted me around again. he sighed before saying that he got arrested for drug possession, and that he's on probation now. I was stunned. but a 20-going-on-21 year old girl who hoped this guy could be my second boyfriend after being single for 2 years. so I stayed in the car with him, let him drive off, waited in the car and listened to Pond as he went grocery shopping in the same store my aunt worked at, and finally we were at his new basement apartment. he also bought me a new lighter after I left mine in his car after the second date, and the cops cleared his car of any drug utensils. I still have this maroon lighter by the way! after 2 years it still works, so it's a good one.

anyway over at his place I helped him put up a Pink Floyd poster and then a Simpsons one in the tiny and cozy place. he warmed up frozen pizza which we cut with scissors (his idea) and we talked as he set up Django Unchained on his laptop because he didn't have a TV. he didn't have Internet either. so we were pretty old school, like early 2000s old school, by just using a DVD and a computer. I think he said his laptop was like 10 years old too even though it was an Apple. anyway in the talk before the movie he told me that he's bi. I told him that I was too. we smiled out of relief from that, and he ended the moment like, "I like dicks, I like vaginas. whatever" to which I laughed at. and even though we had a heavy fight about reverse racism as we talked through Django, I stayed the night. I insisted we get past this differing thoughts and opinion of a concept even though we were both passionate about it, pretend we never had this talk even though he was mad enough to try and kick me out of his place. I blurted out to him that it can't end this way, because I really REALLY liked him. he said, "well I was starting to like you too!" so that was when I said, "then let's just give this a chance. this is ONE thing we're disagreeing on."

the following night, he gave me a piggy-back around his place, like what they show in white romantic movies. we watched some live Woodstock videos. and we had sex before sleeping on and off through the night.

we spent the next day, a Sunday so I got that cliched Sunday morning date, at his place all sleep-deprived. we watched a movie (the whole thing this time), and for some reason looked at pictures of him and his ex girlfriends on his laptop, and then he wanted to pick up perogies from his aunt at her beautiful big house. so we went to her place. on the way there I told him I had to pee, so he suggested I could pee at his aunt's place. the thought of meeting a fuck buddy's aunt was weird to me, especially in my sleep-deprived state. but I went inside with him anyway. as his aunt had to show him something upstairs anyway, I went to the bathroom and then waited out in the hallway of this beautiful big house with his uncle sitting in the kitchen and reading the paper. I thought of saying hi but also didn't want to in this context, like he didn't know who tf I was and Tom wasn't there as proof that I was a friend of his. so I silently waited, and they were back downstairs anyway. Tom had the pack of frozen perogies in his hand, we both said bye to her, and left.

I stayed a bit longer at Tom's place. we watched The Lego Movie, That 70s Show (which was when he called me smart like Donna by the way, and pointed out I said some things he learned about reverse racism not being real), had sex, showered together, and I decided I should get going. it was 6pm when I told him I should go. my mom called earlier and she asked when I was getting back from "another friend's" house (I told her it was a girl friend). so I told her I was just at the mall now and will be getting back home from there now. she said okay.

but at home I just haaaaaad to make a tumblr post about my sleepover at Tom's place and our lovely Sunday together. I had my older sister on tumblr, and she's basically a third parent. I just figured she wasn't using her blog anymore. but... she was lurking her dash still, alright. she confronted me about it, and was upset I did that. I freaked out at her, because I was mad that I got caught and mad that she wouldn't let me learn things on my own. it was ugly.

luckily for me, I forgot my phone charger at his place. so I texted him and asked if it was there. he said yeah and that I could visit him on Wednesday (like 3 days after the sleepover) to pick it up. I said that'd be good. so we met up again and this time he had a friend coming over so I got to meet one of his friends, and he was nice. we got drunk and talked politics again. Tom was such a mansplainer by trying to cut me out of conversation and saying that I wasn't getting the topic right. his friend, on the other hand, said that I was saying relevant things, which got Tom pretty annoyed.

well anyway I accidentally took his Doors shirt home. I wore it as a joke when we were all drunk but forgot to take it off. so yeah I had it for a while. I washed it before going to his place again and gave it back to him. he was so relieved it was just with me the whole time because he thought he lost it and he wanted to wear it to a show with "a new friend" he was going with. he told me it was some girl. but I tried to let that slide off along with the ex-girlfriends and being a coke-head! but then he started ghosting on me. he pretended he missed some texts from me, and would say he couldn't hang out some weekends. he was friends with some new girl on Facebook who didn't seem like she was an old high school friend or anything. I spent weeks wondering if we were gonna talk again. I had a friend ask me if we were official yet because I knew him for over a month and gone through a lot with him at that point. I had to tell her no we weren't; it was the opposite. I excused that maybe he's busy, busy with the court cases and visiting his family an hour away some weekends, and meeting up with old friends who were visiting the city, busy trying to find a new job after losing the one he already had, and so on.

3 weeks later I texted him and asked if he was busy. he said no. so I asked if he wanted to hang out. he said "sure. where?" I said that his place is fine. so I came and we just watched movies again. he treated me like some relative rather than someone he had all these inside jokes with and wanted to kiss sometimes. we had some cigarettes outside his place and he'd *casually* mention the new girl he was hanging out with and that she spent the week at his place, and he told me the same name I saw on his updated friends list on Facebook. I just changed the subject.

every hangout I had with him, except that last one, we'd always kiss goodbye. but in that last one we didn't even hug. I tried to let that slide, along with the ex-girlfriends, him being a coke-head, an entitled white boy, and the insensitive mentions of the new girl.

I couldn't sleep for a week. I was always nauseous. he was on my mind all the damn time. he even came into my dreams in the rare moments I WOULD sleep. so I knew I had to talk to him. this went on for a week. so I texted him and asked if I could come over. he said he doesn't live in that house anymore. so I said "ok then let's meet up somewhere. I wanna talk." he said that he's living with his folks, who live an hour away so he can call me in about 20 minutes. I said fine. then he asked me if everything was okay. I left my phone in my room that time and was downstairs. so I came back to see a follow-up text which was a "Hello?" I told him yeah it is, and that I just don't know why he got distant all of a sudden. yes, pretty accusatory. but I wasn't sure how else to say it in this nervous state. so we didn't call each other. he replied to my text, getting all defensive and vague. I pressed him, which got him to say, "I lost my driver's license, got kicked out of my place, and have a couple court sessions left. my life sucks right now! I can't deal with anything right now. it's nothing personal." I said, "ok that's fine. but what about the past few weeks before all this?" he said, "I dunno I guess I just got busy." I replied, "with the girl who slept over for a week?" he was all, "I guess. and with family and friends." he sent  a follow-up: "are you mad that I'm seeing other people?" I said no, and that I was mad about him getting distant. I think I'm saying all this out of order. but anyway the talk ended with me offering to be there if he ever needs to vent. he didn't reply.

he kept me on Facebook. but then I saw him tag the other girl in a status of some music video, and it hurt like the flames of Hell!!!!!!!!!! so I removed him and his number and got drunk a lot and cry. I remember this one night I came home after a night out at a pub at my brother. I was making myself a burger at 2am and dropped the spatula and broke down. my sister (not the one who caught my tumblr post. I have 2 sisters) was just coming in that time, and she knew what was going on so she hugged me and told me that this is how you learn stuff, and that he was a dick anyway. oh man I feel pathetic even writing this again.

but anyhow I had my 6 months of being sad over a summer fling. they say that it's supposed to take you only half the time you were with someone to be over them. but for me it was double that, including the ghosting since I *thought* we were still "together." I'd actually drunkenly call him (I kept his number in my diary, no joke), and he'd neverrrrr pick up. I knew he still had the number, hence his outgoing voicecall stating his first and last name. I'm not sure if I even really got over him. well I knew I was missing him and that he was not right for me. but at this point I know I don't want him as a boyfriend. I miss him, even if it was just a messy friendship.

so in this almost-2 years I haven't talked to him, I had to delete my tinder a couple times because I ran out of matches or would want a fresh start or would try and quit tinder for a bit. of course, just the other day on a new tinder account, he was one of my choices. it took me a bit to digest this. but I swiped right to see if he would too.

it's been about a week, and no notification from him has come up. I like to think he's just a Sagittarius who likes to pretend he doesn't care about people he's been initimate with. but I've seen him vulnerable. I've seen him show me his ex girlfriends. I've heard him tell me he doesn't like reading books with someone else because it reminds him of "a friend" he had to drift apart from. he's told me he once had "a bitchy ex girlfriend" who he might have a guilty conscience for. hell, he might have remembered me as "this girl obsessed with the Strokes who cried over them at my place once and drunkenly danced to them." "this girl with strong-ass opinions, like insiting that reverse racism isn't real, although I just don't wanna admit that she's smart and strong for standing up to me."

I had a dream of him last night. we were together, not officially, but it felt MORE together than my time with him. we'd hang out with each other AROUND my family. we cuddled on some beach chairs in front of them. well he was actually young Keanu Reeves at first and then just transformed to him, you know how dreams are. but, even though I wasn't clear about this, I think he had some similarities to young Keanu with his occasional quietness. anwyays we cuddled at the movies at a family outing too. it just really nice.

I tried to tell myself that I just miss getting physical affection in general. but I guess I also miss being his friend. he was someone I had good conversations with even though I know now he was a fake-intellectual. he appreciated me even though it wasn't for a long time. I remember crying after the next guy I hooked up with because the sex wasn't as real as it was with Tom. to this day, I still miss "Tom" even though he was a jerk. I know I would never ever actually be his girlfriend or his wife. but he was memorable.

so remembering him, I don't hold resentment over first dates who realise they don't feel a spark with me after all. remembering him, I realise these first dates didn't give me the same spark as he did anyway, although I could also say that he made me have high standards out of protection of myself. I guess I've just learned so much from him, and miss the feeling I'd get from him even though it got me hurt in the end.