#good thing i DON'T need to write my suicide note cuz i'm hearing good things

[silenthill2ps2]

i forgot i set this as my reminder for sh2 remake and i got so confused 😭

[kortsitron]

Let It Out

Pairing: Bucky Barnes × Gender Neutral! Reader

Warnings: depression, agnst, this shit kinda dark, mental illness, anxiety, overthinking, mention of suicide with mentioning it, hurt/comfort 

Summary: Reader is in a dark place and after being scared and tired of their own thoughts, they need to talk about it with someone.

Also now _____ is the new version of (Y/N), tell me if you like that version more

Author’s Note: Please if you're not feeling good, reach out for help! Talk about your problems with someone you trust! It will be better! Remember that if you're not feeling comfortable reading this, don't do it, don't make yourself do things that you don't wanna do. Also this is kinda a vent cuz I need to let emotions out, so yeah :P

Also keep in my mind that I haven’t been writing for a while, so this might be shit and out of character

It's been getting worse lately and it scared you. Your mental health has been a mess for as long as you can remember, but now it was worse than ever. Your thoughts were so loud, and throughout your day you knew will be the same as every other night. Crying in your bed, horrified and just wanting it all to stop. You just wanted to be safe from it all. 

You've been laying in your bed, feeling tears come to your eyes while your phone called in the middle of the night. It was Bucky. You haven't heard from him for a week, because he was on a mission. You were stunned and if you weren't sure if you wanted to answer. You didn't want James to hear that you've been in a dark place lately, however you decided to answer and at least try distracting yourself from these awful thoughts. “Hello?” You murmured, scared your voice might break if you said it louder.

“Hi _____! I didn't wake you up, did I?” He greeted you with a cheerful tone, you could tell he was happy to be back. “Oh, no you didn't. I wasn't asleep, I was actually kinda bored.” You faked a laugh, hoping it would sound real and he won't suspect a thing. “How was the mission?”

“It's been pretty tough, but luckily I didn't get hurt too much. I have bruises here and there, but no serious injuries, so nothing to worry about.”

“That's good.” You replied, thinking how to get the conversation going, you had no idea what to say.

“I was thinking, since I'm back, maybe you wanna go grab a dinner with me tomorrow. We then could go for a walk or go to my apartment and watch a movie. What do you think?” Your heart melted a bit, and you couldn't help but smile.

“I would love to do that, James.” You whispered, feeling your cheeks getting hot. You could tell that he was happy to hear that answer and he started talking about what plans he had for the near future like helping Steve with assembling a new closet that he ordered or finally reading a book that he bought some time ago. You were cheery to listen to him. You weren't talking a lot during that conversation, you just were answering with short sentences and "mhm" sounds. It made James think that you were tired. “You know ______, I don't want you to be tired for tomorrow so I think I'll be going, okay?”

That sentence made you distressed, you didn't want this call to end. You knew if it ended, thoughts would harass you again. “Please don't hang up!” You sobbed, it was almost automatic. It was a cry for help. You could tell that you caught Bucky off guard and there was silence which felt like forever. Without a second thought you continued. “Please Bucky, I don't wanna be alone.” Your voice broke and tears went down your face. Bucky heard soft crying and he felt his heart slowly break.

“Is everything alright?” Was all he could think about at the time, even though he knew what answer he was going to get.

“No. I'm.. I'm so scared.” You were shaking, it was your thoughts so loud again. “Don't leave me alone with my thoughts, please. They're so horrifying, it's too much.”

“I've got you, _____. Let it out. I'm here for you.” That made you cry even harder and let out all the terrifying things that have been on your mind for a while. James was just listening, trying to imagine what has been going on lately. And it made him wonder if there was something he could do to help you or if there were any signs he didn't notice at the time. 

You finally felt relieved and not like there was no way to help fight you. You felt a bit of hope, after all these days in the dark of your own mind. You felt yourself zooming out, after so much crying. “_____?” James called, bringing you back. “Yes?”

“Thank you for telling me. I really appreciate that you trust me so much. I'll do anything to help you, we'll get through this together. Is there anything I can do for you at the moment?”

“Please come over, I don't wanna sleep alone tonight.” Your voice was a bit weak from the crying, it was so quiet that James could barely hear you.

“Of course. Do you want me to stay on the phone till I get to your apartment?”

“Yes please.”

“Alright, I need to put on a jacket and shoes, and I'm basically ready to go. I should be at your place in around 10 minutes.” James without thinking was telling you everything he was doing, to keep you at peace, before finally arriving at your place and ending a call. When you opened the door and he saw your red face and puffy eyes, he couldn't help himself and gave you a hug. A hug that you wanted to feel for so long. It made you sob again. The feeling of safety James brought with him. You truly felt like you weren't alone and you weren't going to lose that battle.

[ohhboyyy]

It's sixteen minutes past midnight.

He is laying beside me in this pink light, the light we bought together. Back then everything seemed pink, from the rotting delusion of love. Or need. Need is a better word for what I have in me, it is clawing against my fragile structure, I wasn't built right. Because, for all I know, and all I knew for most of my life, I need someone to hold me when I can't bear myself.

When did I become so soft?

I used to be standing under so much pressure that would have crushed anyone I knew, but not me, not me because I'm strong for a 7 year old, strong for a 10 year old, so strong for 13, 14, 15, 16 - and then, then they stop. Stop telling you.

When you first try to kill your self, they think you are just young and stupid. Careless, selfish. But Noone is there when you first think about it. Oh, no. You don't just wake up one day, and go "what a beautiful day, I'm gonna commit suicide!" I was fucking seven.

I actually remember, laying in my mother's bed, whilst my brother is asleep next to me. We slept like this every night, it was either to protect us, or to protect mom. Or both, cuz he wouldn't come in when we were asleep. What a show of good morals.

I can hear my father talking, I do not understand the words but my heart is thumping in my chest, so so fast, I feel like it's going to jump out. And then a loud Bang. He is talking louder now, the words I still can't understand. I can't move, can't speak, I'm just crying in silence, as I hear my mother yelping in pain downstairs. He shouts. Curses. Banging, cries, cries of pain. He is hitting my mother. Again.

That was the moment of my first attempt. It was a fast thought, faster than lightning, faster than the hand that was reaching for my mother, who was running up the stairs now, telling my father he can't come in the room, the children, me and my brother, are asleep. I closed my eyes, but I didn't pretend to sleep, as I did for months now, almost every night. I pretended to be dead. I stopped breathing, the only thing I would feel was my stomach, getting smaller as I heard the drunk footsteps following on the wooden stairs, and my heart beating so hard and so fast in my ears, that I wanted to put my hands on it. But I can't. I thought, when I pretend to be asleep for long enough, I can actually fall asleep. That night I pretended to be dead.

The urge is great now to break my 3 year clean. I haven't cut myself for more than 3 years now, but tonight, it's so fuckin hard. I wanna feel pain, because it can bring me out of this dissociative memory-fueled puke.

H E. I S. L E A V I N G.

Not now. In 3 weeks. I'm not in love anymore,but he was my safety net. I relied on him too much.

I want to stop. Sleep. Do anything. But no, it seems this won't stop. People are gonna leave, or betray me, either way. I just can't get fucking used to it.

I don't know what I want from this life, I don't have a goal, a purpose. I'm just here to fuck around and get hurt. Why?

This is a suicide note again. I'm not gonna do it tho. These days, that's a lie, for a year now if not more, I've been writing these mainly for myself.

I have to move on. But it will never get better.