#good omens can sometimes be more helpful than therapy - that's thanks not only to the book and the show but also to the people in the fandom | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

feiandart · 8 months ago

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Hi Fei, not sure if this message becomes public or not but I couldn't find any other way to contact you. Just wanted to apologise for my comment on chapter 35. I realise in retrospect it might have seemed rude, I was trying to be funny. So, I'm very sorry, and I don't want you to think I didn't enjoy the chapter. I have deleted the comment. If I may take this chance as well, you have been an inspiration to me, I love your writing. I am too an aspiring writer that took a sabbatical for many years, though my self doubt is my biggest saboteur right now. I would love to know how you honed your craft, your words are so beautifully written. I look forward to the next chapter ♥

First of all, hello and thank you for reaching out to me! ♥

I'm afraid my memory doesn't work properly (it never does, sadly), but I'm pretty sure no comment made me think "oh, that was rude", so don't worry at all ♥ Gonna admit now I'm curious 'bout what that was owo But I will not ask for you to share that again if it makes you feel uncomfortable!

Your words means a lot to me! ♥ I had inspiration issues for half of my life. I was around fifteen when I wrote my last paragraph, and after that I didn't for other fifteen years. Honest to God, Good Omens and its community saved me in more than a way when I was at my lowest - helped me both with coming back at writing, and starting drawing for myself. I startend enjoying things again. And I needed that. So, since finding inspiration again was so meaningful to me, being able to inspire others is like I achieved something so big I can't really find words to express it properly. It makes me feel kinda... Oh, dunno. I guess we can go with: blessed. Finding inspiration was (and is) an healing process to me. And I hope it'll be the same to others. So if it came to me, I can only be SO glad to know!! So thank you so much for sharing this!! ♥

Let me tell you this: I am my biggest saboteur myself. So I do understand what you say, and I can guess what you feel right now. My suggestion is something practical. Go in front of the mirror, tell yourself what you want to do and look straight into your eyes. Then, say: "I will do it. And you will NOT stop me." Then say the same to all the people who might go against you. Nobody, not even yourself, should have the power to stop you from doing the things you love. It may be hard at the very start, troublesome meanwhile, but I can assure you nothing's better than being able to live your dreams. All I can do for you now is assuring you I am on your side! And I am sure you can do whatever makes you feel happy.

Last, but not least (dear Lord I wrote so much and I'm not done yet.......), your last question. Funny thing to answer that one, actually. 'cause I never practiced. I never studied a way to arrange phrases and words, actually right now I'm always a bit overwhelmed anytime I sit myself in front of the screen and open my file to start writing. I'll tell you, I'm the messiest people in the entire universe. I had all the plot already written back in november, but yet my characters slip off my hands and do whatever they want. Does it makes any sense to you? I have to costantly re-arrange my plot to make sure everything have some kind of logic. The rest come from my own mind. Sugar, specifically, means a lot to me under a lot of different aspects. Both characters holds part of myself, my own traumas, my own experiences, my own mazes and struggles. I think maybe sometimes things went when I didn't want them to go 'cause my mind played dirty on me and I was unable to stop it. But I don't complain. So I'm afraid I don't have a real answer but this one: I just put myself into every single word I write. I play all the scenes in my mind just like watching movies. I feel what my characters does and, I will not deny this, oftern I cry while doing that too. I'm a bit too much emphatic, perhaps?

Gonna admit, writing Sugar is exactly like going to therapy to me. Goes just along with that, it helps me process myself, my own emotions, helps me validate anything bad I've ever felt.

Well uh, I got pretty carried away with this answer but I hope you can find something helpful around all of these messy words of mine ♥ (And sorry for my poor english if I made some mistake here and there, I fully believe in honest-to-God messages when it comes to answer people, both in comments, chat or anywhere else, so I never actually go back trying to correct my messages. Dunno, it feels like leaving you all full access to my stream of consciousness everytime I give answers like these. Not sure this makes sense. To me it does.)

Don't ever ever be afraid to tell me what you think or reach out! I'll always be here, happy to give you an answer. Thank you so much! ♥

#fei loves to reply #so feel free to ask anytime you want #sugar #writing #fic writing

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miss-edith-cushing · 4 years ago

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The post that is about hip dips, but not really

A few weeks ago I stumbled upon Rachel Maksy’s video called ‘Let's Talk About "Hip Dips" (& other insecurities)’. I saw it in my recommendations on youtube, but I clicked on it before I’ve even read the title - seeing two small drawings on the miniature, one called ‘No Dip’ and the other ‘Dip’, was all that I needed to watch it immediately. I never heard of hip dips, never knew it was a problem common enough that it had its own name - all I knew was that the drawing called ‘Dip’ was showing something I saw every day in the mirror, but what I never saw anywhere else. I knew Rachel’s channel, I saw a bunch of her vintage clothing videos, so I was very surprised to see her in sports bra and leggings, with no or barely any make up. She talked about hip dips and what causes them (no, it’s not badly fitted underwear, lack of workout or family curse - it’s your bones, your literal skeleton, so there’s not much you can do about it), about her insecurities (stretchmarks, flat booty, colour of her eyes, hip dips, tummy rolls...), about a lot of other stuff. I don’t remember much from it, but seeing her in those very revealing clothes, showing exactly what parts of her body she doesn’t like, made an impact on me. Something about her figure made me think about myself - the fact that she is both slim and soft, looks ‘feminine’, but is not very thick, has no butt, rather slim hips, those darn hip dips, she’s pale and red-haired... And seeing her made me feel better about my body.

I don’t have a lot to complain about when it comes to my looks, I won the genetic lottery, but there are still parts of my body I don’t like. Or, I should rather say, I learned to not like. I used to think I was mediocre, 5/10, alright, but nothing more. When I was a child, I wanted to be a blonde, but I got over it quite quickly; like many girls, I talked a lot about how fat I was (from age 13 to 16 I used to wear size 38 EU, then lost some weight due to stress), I hated my face covered in acne and always wore stupid bangs that made my poor skin on forehead even worse. But the thing is, I never truly believed it. I never fully and completely thought my bangs were awful or that I was fat. I never hated myself for it. My acne, well, that’s another story. And no one ever said anything bad about those things. Not my family, not my peers, no one. Those were insecurities I created myself, maybe except for acne - my mother used to talk with me about it, but wasn’t mean, just tried to be helpful. We know a lot about the pressure media and society puts on young people, especially women, about their looks, but it’s not what I wanted to talk about today.

When I was 16, someone told me one of the boys from my class called my profile doglike. Oh, I thought, I never realized that, and tried to understand what he meant. My nose looks kinda like Michael Sheen’s, but it’s a little smaller, so I figured it’s about it looking kinda like dog’s head. I never particularly liked my nose, but I still tried to just shrug that comment off. 15 years later, I still remember it. When I was 18, my then best friend told me a few times with snide laughter that I don’t have any butt, just very long back. Oh, I thought, I never realized that, because I never really paid attention to it. When I was 19, a man I was in love with told me my bum looks like it belonged to young Greek boy. Oh, I thought, he is right, that’s very accurate description, but I didn’t knew if he was mean about it or not (now I know he was). When I was 28, I met a girl a few years younger than me, with the same case of flat ass like me, who talks quite often about new excercises she tried, going to the gym, everything she does to make her bum more round. She teases me a little about it and I tease her back, but never to hurt each other. Still, after our conversation about two weeks ago when I talked with her and our other friend on zoom and they discussed yet another excercises and diets, I’ve spent next evening being miserable and thinking about how no one will ever love me, because I have no booty (and I mean, that would be the only reason, how ridiculous is that).

I thought about all of that a lot in recent days. About how lucky I was that the first thing I watched about hip dips was Rachel’s video that named the problem I had and at the very beginning explained it was a matter of my bones - not a bunch of advices about what to wear to hide them or what kind of workout will be helpful to make my hips rounder. How I had no idea that there’s ‘something wrong’ with my body until other people pointed it out and were mean about it. How much discussing these characteristics as something that obviously should be get ridded of, when combined with poor mental state, can throw me into a pit of misery. How on one hand it’s great that thick women are starting being seen as attractive after years and years of simply calling them fat (yes, of course, not all of them, but that’s another topic), but on the other hand I feel more and more repulsive every time I see pictures of influencers or celebrities, so often with their features more or less photoshopped to look juicier. I know I’m babbling a lot here, but I just need to do it, because... I’m so tired of having a body. Of having it so peculiar that today’s fashion rarely have anything for it to offer. Of sewing my own clothes, especially blouses, because nothing really fits my figure how it should. Of not being able to wear some clothes I like, because I would know I look very bad in them and that would make me uncomfortable. Yes, there are some things that don’t make me look 10/10, but I still wear them because I love them so much and I love how I feel in them. Of being aware that other people might find some parts of me unattractive. I’m tired of feeling miserable about myself and I want to find some way to stop it.

One of the things that striked me in Rachel’s video was her confession, quite logical, that wearing vintage clothes, especially wide skirts and dresses, hid her hips and booty and therefore helped her with presenting herself in a way that made her feel attractive. I thought ‘If this video is about insecurities being ridiculous, then why are we talking about hiding those unattractive parts?’ I used to do that too, but for some reason that wasn’t enough for me anymore. I don’t want to hide anymore, I just don’t want to think about it, wear whatever I want - and goddamit, I love skinny high waisted jeans, I don’t want to go back to wearing wide skirts on the days when I feel insecure. So what to do about it, how to not give a damn?

And then, as quite often in the last 1,5 years, Good Omens helped. Every day since June 2019 I see Crowley on my dash, wearing insanely tight clothes, sauntering like he hasn’t full control over his limbs, being so damn skinny, having absolutely no bum whatsoever, looking almost ridiculous, but still being described by fans as, yes, ridiculous, but so loveable. Trying to be cool in a way he thinks is cool, not adjusting completely to current norms. If Crowley was a real woman with the same type of figure as David Tennant, she sure as hell wouldn’t be wearing wide skirts with a petticoat, or padded underwear, or A line dresses. Crowley doesn’t hide who he is, what he finds cool, what is imperfect about him (no, we’re not discussing his sunglasses right now, that’s a topic for another conversation). He’s honest about who he is and what he wants.

And hell, if I need to learn to be like that by buying and wearing black waxed high waisted superskinny jeans, so be it.

I just got the email, the package with my new clothes is just on its way.

#personal #good omens can sometimes be more helpful than therapy - that's thanks not only to the book and the show but also to the people in the fandom #i babble a lot about my body and clothes but as everyone who've met me knows - it's really always about identity

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bondsmagii · 3 years ago

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Hey! I have a question for you about cleansing/trustworthy resources about cleansing, and I'm gonna give you a little context and my thoughts on everything as well. In the past few months, the food in my parent's house has been rotting and going bad quicker than we think it should be. It started with just milk, and then dairy items in general, then things like lunch meat, and just tonight I found the peaches that we just bought two days ago absolutely rotting, like full on decomposing and covered in mold and overwhelming me with that awful sickly sweet smell. Rationally, I know this is just because our fridge is old, it's not as cold or efficient as it used to be, and that's probably it. I don't think there's a demonic entity or anything like that lurking around our house at all, is what I'm saying. But at the same time, as I was dealing with the peaches tonight, I just started feeling really uneasy about it all. Our family, my parents specifically, have been going through a lot of interpersonal conflict that has gotten quite dramatic in the past couple months, and have generally just not been okay. We've been working on things like therapy and doctor's visits, but there's understandably still a general feeling of tension in the house. Even though the food thing is probably not connected at all, I don't want to be that fool that ignores an omen or something like that. I figure it can't hurt to try doing something more spiritual, and if it doesn't help, maybe it'll put my mind at ease at least. I've always believed that certain things exist beyond our current understanding, so even though I try to find the rational explanation first, I don't like to discount other possibilities, either. It's just that I've never practiced interacting with that unexplained portion of our world, if that makes sense. Would you have any suggestions for me as far as cleansing or something else that might help? I seem to remember that you know how to do these things, but my memory is also not great, so if you don't have any advice for me I totally understand. Either way, I appreciate it, thank you!

oh man, it's been a long time since I've done anything like this, though I do remember some things from when I lived in a house with really bad vibes. that was a full-on demonic haunting, so most of it will probably be a little heavy-handed for this, but I found some really simple things helped. part of the issues I was dealing with involved food going rotten really fast, as well -- I remember once, I opened a brand-new carton of milk that I'd bought literally that morning, so only a few hours ago, only to find that it was chunky and completely spoiled. I assumed it had spoiled at the shop and actually got a new one free of charge, and this one lasted a day before the same thing happened. went to another shop and the same thing again. this became a consistent problem for months until I put a small pile of salt on top of the fridge, and then it stopped for a while.

like I said, though, that was a proper horror movie haunting, so no confusion about what was causing the problem there. I was also having similar issues with family problems, too, though, which definitely contributed to the overall bad atmosphere, and I tended to fall back and some of the things I was taught as a child. sage is incredibly cleansing, and many incense sticks contain it. burning sage is said to dissipate negative energy, and is overall good for cleansing. more subtle ways of doing the same thing involves opening as many curtains as you can when there's a lot of moonlight, as moonlight is also good for cleansing.

something I've learned, though, is that when it comes to spirituality it's a very personal journey. intent is what matters more than method, unless you're moving into highly specific magic. so long as you keep your goal in mind, you could do any number of things. lighting white candles, leaving bowls of fresh, cold water around, small salt piles, etc. these are all of course suggestions, and if any feel right, go ahead and use them -- but don't be afraid to follow your own instinct, either. I've found sometimes I just... do something, and it feels right, and it works. if you're looking for some comfort or peace of mind, or even just attempting to eliminate potential causes, go with what feels correct. as with a lot of magic, these things don't have to be grand.

#artisttrainer #asks

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aegialia · 3 years ago

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self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill.

for good:

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby.

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting.

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends.

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me.

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness.

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories.

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me.

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

#gloomth and circumstance #this is definitely not required reading!#i just felt like rambling for a very long time about my feelings and my blog #w bonus blog trivia at the bottom that amuses me and probably no one else

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1-1snailxd-art · 4 years ago

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Libraries are for Meetings

Master List —– Chapter 10

Chapter 11 - The library meeting

Warnings: negative thoughts, swearing, implied abuse, murder mentioned

Summary: A soft mountain of pillows and blankets, plenty of food, boxes of tissues, a few close friends, and plenty of unshed tears. Sounds like a recipe for a lovely evening in the library.

Word count: 2013

Note: reading on mobile can remove the paragraphing sometimes. Use desktop site or visit my Ao3 page if it bothers you as much as it bothers me.

____________________

“Are you sure you want to sell all this, kid?” Pete questioned, eyeing the pile of electrical equipment, parts, a handheld gaming system and a chunky, old laptop. “Won’t you need most of this for work?”

“I need the money more.” The younger man snapped and pointed aggressively at each object, hood low and concealing his face. “The parts and tools are versatile, and any techie would be happy to use them. The laptop may be old, but it runs fine and is already wiped. Jesus, I even got the game working even though it only accepts one cartridge. There will be some nostalgic nerd willing to play only Pokémon blue for the rest of that systems little life. This is good stuff, Pete. What can you get me?”

Scratching his chin in thought, Pete tapped at his keyboard absently. In the few months Virgil had been around, he had never seen the man so desperate for money. The parts boxed up before him would certainly be useful for his other workers but would put Virgil out of commission.

“Kid, if you need the money, just pawn this stuff and come back la-“

“Take the hint, Pete, I’m not coming back.”

Glancing down at Virgil’s shaking hands, the older man sighed and opened the till to retrieve a collection of notes.

“If that’s the case, and this is farewell, take this.” He placed $500 in cash on the counter and slid it towards Virgil. “You do good work, kid. It’s a shame to see you go.”

“And it’s a shame you’re such a fucken cheapskate.”

It was meant to be an insult, but Pete saw a tear drip from his chin as he turned and stormed out with the money. It was nothing but an act to spare the kid from the pain of leaving. Grabbing the bag of items, Pete walked them out the back and placed them safely on a pawning shelf; writing a tag with Virgil’s name and only removing the gaming device to add to inventory. Despite what they had said, Pete wasn’t about to let Virgil throw everything away. He had been rough on him to teach him about the harshness of the industry, but he wasn’t completely heartless. He only hoped Virgil would find the strength to come back.

********************

The once full plates of food were emptier as the group leaned back on beanbags in the library reading area. Patton nestled against Roman’s chest, eyes red from crying after he had spoken about his guilt and thoughts of being a bad omen. The group had listened as Patton finished with the points Roman and Katie had given him the days prior, before Roman pulled him close to his chest.

Logan remained silent. He didn’t know how to respond to Patton’s admissions, all of which were predominantly his fault.

“You are nothing but a good omen to me.” Roman whispered, planting a kiss on his head and continuing to soothingly stroke his shoulder.

“A-agreed.” Logan added, clearing his throat as his voice broke slightly. “I’m sorry if my actions ever made you feel less than what you are worth, Patton. You know how much you mean to me, right?”

Patton shifted on Roman’s chest and extended his hand out for Logan to take.

“I know, Lo. I’ll try not to let myself forget again.”

Giving their hands a final squeeze, the pair let their hands drop so Patton could return to his comforting position against Roman’s chest.

“Perhaps, I should speak next,” Roman offered and looked to the others for their nod of approval.

“Okay, little brother. What do you need to get off your chest?”

“Not Patton, for one.” He joked, giving his partner a squeeze before his tone became surprisingly sombre. “Well… I think it is time I apologised to you…Katie.”

The eldest looked confused as Roman met her eye with a small smile, before he lowered his gaze to focus back on the man on his chest.

“What do you have to apologise for?”

“You said your biggest regret was being…overbearing and overprotective. That your biggest accomplishment over the last few months was not messaging us every few hours religiously, but… I’m the reason you started that in the first place.”

��Roman-”

“Katie.” Logan warned, fixing her with a stern look. “Remember the rules. We speak openly and without interruption.”

After mumbling an apology, Katie gestured for Roman to continue.

“I was meant to tell you about Sasha’s party, but because I didn’t end up going with Jason, I never told you. And, to make matters worse… after Jason’s death, I…” taking a shaky breath, Roman found Patton’s hand to grip for support. “I acted rashly and caused you more stress. I put myself in unnecessary danger on multiple occasions and if it wasn’t for Patton, I’d probably still be party hopping and getting in car wrecks. It was selfish of me and I’m sorry it took me so long to get my head out of my ass and treat you like a human. You’ve been there for me and I should have been there for you…I hope I can do better.”

The figurative weight slid off Roman’s chest as he looked up and saw his older sister smiling, a single tear trailing down her cheek.

“Thank you, Roman.” Swiping the tear away, Katie chuckled quietly to herself. “It really means a lot that you see me as a human.”

“Yeah, well, you’re not always a dragon witch.”

Logan felt his mind wandering; beginning to obsess over the message Virgil had sent. There was such an undertone of anger and he started going through what he’d done wrong. Part of him hoped it was referring to his offers of food and monetary support, which he could easily back away from. Thinking more logically, he figured it was probably his sudden obsession with over sharing and using an acquaintance as a sounding board instead of going to actual therapy. Regardless, he didn’t know for certain and it was eating him up inside.

“Logan?”

Ethan’s voice cut through Logan’s thoughts like a hot knife through butter and he suddenly registered the silence in the room. Everyone else had shared now; their grief and guilt finally aired fully and unapologetically. He was the only one still left to share and it dawned on him just how afraid he was to do as he had planned earlier that afternoon.

“Are you ready to share?” Patton gave his hand a comforting squeeze before allowing Logan to pull away and begin shuffling through his bag.

“I don’t know if I’m ready but,” he pulled his laptop out and began loading the files Virgil had saved, “it would be selfish of me to avoid this any longer.”

The group had a silent exchanged of concerned glances and then moved closer so they would be able to see the screen after Logan set it down. Only Logan spoke as the images from earlier began scrolling across the laptops screen.

“We all remember that night before the fire vividly, I’m sure. Roman was roaming the streets in ignorant bliss; E was enjoying the alcohol Oskar had provided; Katie finally had her feet up; and I was driving a sniffly Patton home. We all know our sides, but I’ve kept one side a secret this whole time, and for that…I am sorry.”

Hitting play on Jason’s video, Logan moved aside to ensure everyone had a clear view of the screen. Colour drained from Katie and Roman’s faces as Jason’s ghostly voice filled their ears and they saw what he had been like in his final moments of life. As the screen froze on Jason’s face the library was left in silence; tears leaving their traces on cheeks as they soaked into the fabric of clothes and blankets.

Katie’s cracked voice finally broke the silence; “why?”

When Logan didn’t respond, Katie tore her eyes away from the screen and looked at him with harsh sadness.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Moving closer, she placed her hands on Logan’s damp cheeks and forced his eyes to meet her own. “What purpose did hiding this serve?”

“Nothing.” Logan’s eyes were void orbs, eyes red and strangely dried. “It only supported my belief that I wasn’t good enough for him and I didn’t want to be convinced otherwise.”

“You stupid man.” Fresh tears welled in her eyes as she pulled Logan into a crushing embrace. “Stupid, bloody, idiot. You were more than enough for him, you fucking fool.”

Though he returned the hug, Logan’s eyes remained glassed until more limbs began joining the embrace. Each body of warmth a physical reminder that though he had lost the face on his computer screen, he still had the family surrounding him. Sobs soon shook his whole frame; eyes squeezing shut as raw emotion was set free and all secrets were finally laid out. No more words were needed now. They had each aired their truths and now clung to each other, raw from it all.

Katie felt Logan’s weight growing as his sobs slowed, and she smiled to herself at the idea of Jason watching over them now. Roman moved back when Patton shifted and wiped his face before gesturing toward the soft spaces they had each been sitting before. Acting on silent instruction, Roman helped change their circle of beanbags and pillows into one soft pile while the other two continued holding Logan’s quivering form.

“He’s asleep.” Ethan whispered in shock as the siblings helped guide Logan to a more comfortable position.

“I doubt he has really slept in a while, Ethan.”

Patton accepted the exhausted man from Roman and laid back on the makeshift bed, removing the other man’s glasses before he instinctively snuggled closer. “That’s it, Logie. Let us take care of you, now.”

“Good job, Pat’s.” Removing Patton’s own glasses, Roman kissed his forehead before settling down behind him.

Ethan watched the scene before him and felt a pang of jealousy at the closeness of the group before Katie’s hand was guiding him over to Logan’s other side. Laying the blankets over everyone, Katie finally took her place on the end; mentally saving the image of the group before relaxing back on the soft cushions. Sleep wouldn’t come easy as a sleepy sob escaped one of the others, but eventually the library was silent, and Katie drifted off in relative peace.

*********************

Leaning his aching body against the cold steel of the dumpster was a relief for a moment, but the cold was soon to leave Virgil shivering. Dried blood gripped his clothes, but he couldn’t bring himself to sneak into the library until a later hour; certain the meeting would still be going. Tears had blended with the blood on his face, making his skin stiff; the feeling uncomfortable as he grimaced and repositioned.

Virgil cursed his luck when the world spun again; head pounding harder than it had when Ben had shoved him into the wall. The $500 from earlier had done nothing to help his situation; only cemented the fact that he couldn’t stay any longer. After a visit to the bank he’d sent $150 to his aunt with an apology for being a burden; $250 had been sent to Ben and the final $100 would have hopefully gotten him through until he got a job in the next town.

“I’m such an idiot.”

Curling in on himself, Virgil sobbed. The memory of Ben and his friends faces haunted his mind as he drifted into a light exhausted sleep.

“Saw you found a new friend. Would hate for anything to happen to them in your absence.”

“I did work for him. That’s all.”

“Like we’d believe a fucken faggot like you.”

“It’s true! He’s just a clueless science geek with a busted computer.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it…I want my money by Monday. Got it?”

“That’s impossible. I’ve given you everythi-“

“If you enjoy pain, I’d keep up the excuses. Wouldn’t everyone love to know you’re the son of a murderer.”

____________________

End Note

Hi…It’s me…Snail. No, I didn’t abandon this fic (even though it was getting pretty close to a year since I updated). Why was I gone so long? Simple…I couldn’t keep up the dangerous cycle of sitting at a computer for hours to do work and then following that up with hours of writing and editing. It really turned unhealthy. So, I switched gears a little. I started writing in smaller bursts (actually have up to chapter 14 done) but I held off from posting until I reached a point were I could post within a reasonable time so you weren’t left on a major cliff hanger as this fic reaches its designated end (which looks to be at around chapter 16 or 17).

Anyway, I haven’t been completely out of the story telling game. I got into Cosplay and telling stories through TikTok (It’s Emily’s -stopitanxiety- fault. I loved her writing and saw her TikTok’s and wanted to be part of that world). It’s a little harder to tell stories using audios and acting out everything, but it’s a lot more on your feet. I actually realised I have the clothes to Cosplay Virgil from this universe and I am considering just vibing as Virge or making it an actual TikTok au story. I dunno yet.

Back on topic, next chapter should be up by the end of the week (just gotta tweak some things that I ended up changing). Warning for the next chapter – alcohol abuse is entering the tags.

Thanks again for reading. Happy timezone, friend 💜🐌

Tag List (let me know if you want to be removed. It has been so long I understand if you don’t wanna hang around)

@notalwaysthebadguy @thequeensphinx @ollyollyoxinfree @celeste-tyrrell @pumpkinminette @ahyeahisurehopeit-does

_____________________________

Chapter 12 — MasterList

What else have I done:

The Perfect Ring (oneshot - analogical proposal)

You Promised (oneshot - prinxiety angst/injury/near death)

Sides of a Hero (Completed Fic - sides are fusions of impulses and aspects of Thomas. Virgil has a depressing past that he is forced to face thanks to Deceit and Rage. Was canon compliant at the time of completion)

The Shield to your Sword (WIP - A fantasy/magic au - Prinxiety (Royal Roman and orphan Virgil - they’ll admit to their love eventually), Virgil angst, non binary, healer Logan, *spoiler* Patton)

Writing Master Post

Check out my other blog for random fandom reblogs and stuff @snail-giggles

Also now doing Cosplay and storylines on TikTok: 1_1snailxd

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fezwearingjellybananas · 4 years ago

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Writer’s Month Masterpost:

Here is a link to the AO3 series and below the cut is a complete list of all the prompt fills for @writersmonth 2020, most of them are DCTV, there are 2 Adventure Zone fics, 1 Good Omens, and 1 Doctor Who, but it’s mostly DC. Thank you so much for organising this again, it’s been good fun and a bit of a challenge, but hopefully the prompts fit

1. Sticking Around (tattoo artist/flower shop AU)- Legends of Tomorrow, Sara Lance/Jefferson Jackson- Sara had been travelling for a while. She'd only meant to drop by Central to visit Laurel. But it might be nice to stay a while

2. Alien Mushrooms (quarantine)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Iris West, Barry Allen, Cisco Ramon - Perhaps on this one occassion Barry will admit he let his curiosity get the better of him. But not while Cisco is in earshot.

3. Apprenticeship (magic)- Legends of Tomorrow, Gen, Behrad Tarazi, Jefferson Jackson- A long time ago, Behrad’s sister vanished. He’s been looking for Zari for years and got nowhere, so maybe this was just another dead end, but it can’t hurt to try (Marvellous Ladies of DC AU)

4. Seventeen Earths (long distance relationship)- The Flash (TV 2014), Cisco Ramon/Cynthia Reynolds- Cisco’s a superhero. He’s pretty sure he can figure out how to be in a long distance relationship

5. The Lovers and the Dreamers (soulmates)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Cisco Ramon, Iris West- The particle accelerator blew up, everything went wrong, and somewhen in all that Cisco’s soul dreams started. Only he has no idea who his soulmate is. Meanwhile, Doctor Wells has just brought a coma patient to S.T.A.R. Labs and Cisco doesn’t know how to make Barry better for Iris, but he does know how to be a friend if she needs one.

6. Beneath the Waves (ocean)- The Flash (TV 2014), Barry Allen/Iris West, Cisco Ramon- Eva’s ship was sinking and Iris was alone in the water, too far from land. She couldn’t see Barry, or anyone, but she knew Carver had found Zoloman’s treasure before they did, and she knew what had been in that treasure. And then she woke up in a cave

7. Day Off (hurt/comfort)- The Flash (TV 2014), Kendra Saunders/Iris West, Barry Allen- Sometimes Iris woke up and everything hurt. It probably came with being a superhero. But she’s not dealing with anything alone, and that means she can have a day off (The Flash & Hawkgirl)

8. Frostbitten (eight)- The Flash (TV 2014), Barry Allen, Hartley Rathaway, Wally West- Caitlin was Barry’s friend. He’d known her for eight years. And yet she’d betrayed them {The Flash & Hawkgirl}

9. Morning Sickness (illness)- The Flash (TV 2014), Barry Allen/Iris West- Barry’s not sure why Iris is feeling so bad, but soup might help

10. Therapy Bunnies (bunnies)- Legends of Tomorrow, Gen, Ensemble- There was a pile of superheroes and rabbits on Sara’s time ship

11. Sunset Flights (light)- Supergirl (TV 2015) & The Flash (TV 2014), Kara Danvers/Iris West- The best thing about living on their new Earth was how easy it was for Kara to get from National City to Central

12. Marmalade (meet cute)- The Flash (TV 2014), Iris West/Eddie Thawne- Barry had only asked Iris to fish sit for him. He would have mentioned if the orange cat in the kitchen was his

13. Violins (music)- The Adventure Zone (Balance), Lucretia- Lucretia couldn’t do this on her own. Wonderland had proved that. But the Bureau would work. She just needed to find people she could trust to save the world

14. The Engineer (metamorphosis)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Hartley Rathaway, Cisco Ramon- Ronnie Raymond died the night of the particle accelerator. Yet Cisco Ramon arrived at Hartley’s door saying Ronnie had saved him. And also that Ronnie had been on fire at the time (Tess Lives AU)

15. Jitters Yet Again (coffee shop AU)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Cisco Ramon, Caitlin Snow- One day maybe they’d visit a coffee shop other than Jitters

16. History and Future (history)- Legends of Tomorrow, Kendra Saunders/Iris West, Leonard Snart- Kendra had met one of her past selves in the Old West. And been told all about how things went with people other than Carter. But she couldn’t stop thinking about the future, and about Iris (The Flash & Hawkgirl)

17. Brownie Distractions (cooking)- Supergirl (TV 2015), Kara Danvers/Nia Nal- Iris had been right, baking brownies using her not really a secret but kind of a secret brownie recipe was an excellent way to distract Kara

18. Retirement (myths)- Good Omens, Aziraphale/Crowley- The world didn’t end, and Aziraphale and Crowley consider the South Downs

19. Twelve Again (deaging)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen- When Wally called Joe asking if he could come to S.T.A.R. Labs to help with an emergency, this was not what he had imagined

20. Bench on the Hill (loss)- The Flash (TV 2014), Cisco Ramon, Hartley Rathaway- Cisco was Vibe, the one who’d destroyed Harrison’s roof and the front of S.T.A.R. Labs, but that wasn’t like Cisco at all, and Hartley had to talk to him

21. A Visitor for Tea (family)- Doctor Who, Gen, Yasmin Khan, Rani Chandra- Yaz had been hoping it was the Doctor at her door, even if she hadn’t been expecting her

22. The Little Corner Pet Shop (pet shop AU)- The Flash (TV 2014), Kamilla Hwang/Cisco Ramon, Iris West- Cisco liked his job. He got to bring his dog with him and people always wanted to talk about their pets

23. Reluctant Arrangements (poison)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Caitlin Snow, Barry Allen, Eobard Thawne- Caitlin met the boy her mother had decided she would one day marry when she was fourteen. Neither Caitlin nor Bartholomew are particularly happy about this situation

24. Swan Captain (true love’s kiss)- Legends of Tomorrow, Sara Lance/Jefferson Jackson- Jax had learnt how to deal with metahuman powers, he’d learnt to deal with time travel, now it seemed like he’d have to find a way to deal with magic too. Prefereably quickly so they can find a way to turn Sara back into a human being

25. The Detective (drop)- The Flash (TV 2014), Barry Allen/Iris West, Eddie Thawne- The Tricksters had poisioned everyone at the fundraiser and kidnapped Barry’s dad. Really not an ideal time for Eddie to finally catch the Flash (Tess Lives AU)

26. Long Weekend (summer vacation)- Supergirl (TV 2015), Kara Danvers/Nia Nal- Nia was pretty sure Alex and Kelly had called everyone they knew to try and convince Kara and her to take a break

27. Silver Dreams (dream)- The Flash (TV 2014), Iris West- Iris was in the mirror dimension, and then she was in a 1950s comic book

28. Scarlet Knight (fantasy)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Wally West, Cisco Ramon, Barry Allen, Iris West- There was a magician in the street openly doing magic, and somehow he knew Wally’s name

29. Classmates (high school AU)- Legends of Tomorrow, Gen, Mick Rory, Joe West, Ava Sharpe, Sara Lance- Maybe they should have checked the invite list for Mick’s high school reunion before crashing it

30. Jenni (joy)- The Flash (TV 2014), Barry Allen/Iris West, Jenni Ognats- Iris couldn’t think of anything more wonderful than sitting with her husband and holding her tiny granddaughter

31. A Bed at Duck’s (there was only one bed)- The Adventure Zone (Amnesty), Aubrey Little/Dani, Duck Newton- They can’t get to Amnesty Lodge anymore, and Duck does not have enough spare beds for everyone

#wm2020masterpost #writersmonth2020 #maybe there are a couple i'd do differently if i went back #but i think overall i've written something every day so i'm pretty pleased with that #look i wrote a thing #*

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supposed2bfunny · 5 years ago

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B,L,A,N,K,E,T for the fanfic ask meme

OMG LISSY THANK YOU SO MUCH?? You indulge me FAR too much

B-What was the first fandom you read fic in? Which was the first you wrote fic for?

I first read for either Hana-Kimi or Ouran High School Host Club back in the golden days of Fanfiction.net...many moons ago...

I first wrote even before then for Teen Titans. I didn’t know “fanfiction” was a thing, and I just wrote “stories” for my favorite superheroes by hand and illustrated them myself, to be enjoyed by absolutely nobody but me.

L- Which of your fanfics was the most emotionally challenging to write?

That’s tough. Probably either “Unacceptable” or “Inarticulate Life,” both of which deal with some heavier subject matter. “OT3″ has also had some darker moments, which can be tough to write sometimes without taking lots of breaks to gather my thoughts and emotions before getting to a final version. It’s not that I can’t write about tougher topics, but rather that I want to make sure the characters speak like themselves while also being respectful of the subject matter (i.e. abusive relationships, sexual misconduct, etc). It can be challenging to strike a balance between handling something in a way that I’m comfortable sharing with readers while also just being in-character.

A-Of the fanfic you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

If we’re sticking to what I’ve written more recently on AO3, probably “OT3″ or “Naked,” as they both kind of served as icebreakers for me to meet and befriend a lot of awesome people in the Gorillaz fandom, some of whom have become my closest friends over the course of years. The research and time and effort that has gone into OT3 (and will continue to; it’s on hiatus, but I’m not done with it forever) is probably the most I’ve ever poured into anything fandom-wise.

Looking back even further (if you don’t have my ff.net account, you’re not gonna get it; shit back there is CRINGE), I’m pretty fond of “Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc,” because I wrote a lot of that at a time when I was starting to come into myself as a writer and realize that I wanted to take writing seriously as a profession. Plus I’ll always have a soft spot for Sherlock Holmes sooo

N-Any fic ideas brewing that you’d care to share?

I DON’T CARE if no one gives a shit, I’m drafting a JJBA/Vento Aureo Fumis fic that’s gonna be so traumatizing, yo! Mista is dealing with a shit-ton of survivor’s guilt and depression, and Fugo is just an emotional mess on a good day, and they’re gonna be thrown together to topple Passione’s narcotics trade. They’re falling in love, but why the hell aren’t they in therapy? Stay tuned to find out!

Also when that fic has been drafted, I’m seriously hoping to get back into writing “OT3″ again... It’s honestly harder than it sounds to write something when your heart’s not in it, but I’m going to do my best to get back into that mindset once my current hyper-fixation dies down a bit because I know a lot of folks really want to see the story continue (trust me: so do I).

K-Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)?

Smut. I just read so much smut :( I generally don’t read fics that aren’t M-rated unless they’re exceptionally well-written. The kinkier the better, honestly. I’ve gotta get better about giving other fics a chance...

E- What character do you identify with most? Is there a certain fic of yours that captures these qualities particularly well?

Hmm. Weird answer, but here goes: Mac from Sunny in Philadelphia is one. His toxic relationship with Dennis helped me externalize a bad relationship in my own life, and I really identify with Mac’s need to “protect” and love his friends even when he’s a total coward who hasn’t really sorted his own shit out yet, and even though he knows those friends wouldn’t necessarily do the same for him. I’m not sure that comes across so well in the sole IASIP fic that I’ve written, but I have drafts floating around for a longer fic I doubt I’ll ever get to that really address that aspect of his personality.

My current hyperfixation, JJBA also has me loving Mista, who is similarly, consciously or unconsciously, overly protective of loved ones to the point of self-destruction. That will absolutely shine through in the fics I’m writing for JJBA.

And my Good Omens fic “Upon Your Shoulders” may as well be titled “Beck Projects Intense Self-Loathing onto Aziraphale and Posts it Publicly.” So yeah. That’s really me not even trying to be subtle, to be honest. Aziraphale is just a character that I saw and instantly stanned.

I know I write primarily Gorillaz, but I don’t actually identify with any of them that closely? I just think they’re neat!

T-Any fanfic tropes you can’t stand?

Anything that uses trauma as the sole means to push two characters together is honestly just :/// like “Character A was sexually assaulted, and their trauma made Character B realize it was time to confess their feelings and now they’re happily together! :)” YUCK. Do not like.

I also generally avoid kidfics (with exceptions--lookin’ at you, Smooty!) because I don’t want kids nor do I want my OTPs to share their time/attention with anyone else, thank you! Unless I personally know and like the author, I skip over anything dealing with kids, adoption, pregnancy, etc.

Anything OC-related is also a no from me, dawg (with exceptions--lookin’ at you, Aaron!) because in case you couldn’t tell, I am there for the OTP I’m hyper-focused on, and don't need any distractions. My unpopular opinion is “why insert an OC when you can just self-project onto a character instead?”

Aside from that, give me all the “there was only one bed :O” or merfolk!AUs or time period!AUs you can--I’ll collect them all gladly.

Thank you so much for the ask, Liss!! This was fun AND you made me open my FF.net page to look at my old stuff. Thanks, I hate it!

#lifeguardinthesharktank #ask meme #seriously thank you for this it was a lot of fun #I have a lot of opinions evidently #ok shut up now beck

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artgirllullaby · 6 years ago

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The truth below this... “me”

So another year huh? And all I did was… mostly be absent.

Come on, I think by this point every single one out there who follow me noticed, either you’re close, far, if you follow for my work, fanfics, or whatever, you saw that last year I did pretty much… nothing.

That comes partially from procrastination, I won’t lie, but… There’s a whole lot that was happening that I kept out to very few, and when I say this I mean that even my parents, brothers and best friends didn’t know some stuff. Only recently I got better to get in contact and talk it out to them and say all the good and the horrible that had been on my mind.

And while I know most want to share the good that happened in 2018, I need to say it wasn’t that good year for me, and to get it out, I want to say it all out and be honest. Then I know there’s nothing I need to hide or be scared of sharing because… if there’s to be known, it’s just to click to read.

That’s why I’m writing this. And because of of the stuff here is very sensible and can be triggering to some, I’m putting on the below. So… avoid the triggers by reading the tags if you have any of them, and if you do but still wish to know how I am, feel free to contact me, ok? I assure things are better now, but if you need a bit more of ease, I don’t mind doing so.

If you decide not to read, just know It’s been a very hard thing on me, but I’m getting better and I’m taking care and getting help and trying my best to keep my hopes and myself up. I’m thankful you cared to read this and I understand if you can’t read any further because of the tags. Thank for considering yourself too and not taking a hit “for my sake”, it makes me actually happy that you consider putting yourself in the position to know where your limits are and to know you can’t go further. Proud of you, little one. If you feel like, don’t think twice before hitting my ask or inbox, ok? Hugs, thanks for being here still.

#personal #me #lullytalks #venting #anxiety #depression #stress #mentalinstability #TW #twseflharming #twsuicide #twanxiety #twdepression #twstress #twgad #twdd #triggering #Triggerwarning

For you who decided to click the button to continue reading anyway, Please remember I’m writing this at once and also that you’re free to stop at any signals of discomfort, unease or triggers. Thank you for taking time to read this anyways.

2018 had been many things, it had been fun and tiring and stressful, and even enjoyable for a bit. But as many other stuff in life, when silence keeps to long it can be taken as a bad omen to bad happenings.

If you ever played Jenga, then you know how it works; if you don’t, it’s basically taking a piece on the base and putting on top and hoping that it doesn’t break down in your turn. Which in the game is fun because you have to think over your decision to what piece to move and not move the tower and the pressure you have makes it fun… In real life? makes you wonder “why one takes the weight in the base of a structure to move to the top if that overweights the top which will obviously make the project/structure fail because the base cannot hold that weight and so it will go down eventually?!”

And well, that was my in 2018, a whole big game of Jenga in which my life are the pieces, and people around me are players as me and the game is ok to everyone but me.

Some of you know, I had a co-worker who had been basically unbearable to work with from the moment she found herself pregnant, and by the law the company can’t fire her until her baby is born and a bit older (around 6-7 months older she gets the licensed and secured), and so after her time secured was over the company did fire her because of her behaviour borderline toxic/abusive toward others. Things finally where getting a bit better with the substitute and things going better in company.

I had been having difficulties with my mother, who has becoming more controlling and hovering over me. If wasn’t enough our communication that was bad begins to go to ruin to worse, rotting to the point I’m back to when I was 15 and I saw her as a stranger. I try to change and get closer. Here is the funny thing about relationships, if doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, a lover, your soulmate, your husband, your sister, your parent, your cousin, your godmother, your father-in-law or whatever that person means to you, as an universal law, it takes both parts and effort to make it work and flow.

And there I was, trying to arrange something we do, we try to speak, to voice out things that hurt and annoys me for us to change for better, because that’s how it should work. One speaks, the other listen, then it’s their turn and so after both saying their sides they try to come in a middle term or a point they can agree on to live better and no one is bitter over the matter.

But that was not what happens. Mom takes the cards I lay on the table and use against me, she takes things on the past against me, she flips the table and now she’s being accused and she’s the victim and I’m the one who’s blind to see how hard she tries to make us all happy and ungrateful, on how I keep pulling distance and I stop talking and avoid talking. I’m the one who doesn’t know she gave up her college, to work and make an career on her own, that father comes tired and deserves to rest for working hard everyday to never miss anything at home, and that she has to bare my sister OCD and ADHD while I’m not there, that she has to keep the house well and do everything… And so, yet again, my voice is cut. I lose courage, my anxiety rises, and I’m afraid of saying anything to anyone, I’m afraid to be a burden, to bother anyone.

I laid on bed that night in silence as I stare at the blank wall and listen to whatever music is on my playlist. Because I know, I fucking know how much their lives could be different for a number of factors, one of them being the fact if I wasn’t born on the worst timing as I did, I know in numbers how much that could have changed, even if my father makes sure to assure me it’s nothing he regrets or I did wrong, I know it wasn’t planned and I know too, it could have changed everything.

Piece moved by mother, my turn is skipped. The player can’t play with shaking hands.

The temporary at work was dismissed, not because someone was finally contracted, but because the boss thought we could do without it. Now, how a company survive without it finances department? Yep, it doesn’t. So they pick someone they think they can reply on to do the job, and then guess what? There I am. Working with numbers and money and it’s stressing more and more since I really didn’t applied for this and it does make me nervous. Then I find a list of mistakes the temporary left and I have to fix, plus more work… and meanwhile I am doing that, my own work papers are there waiting in my table just piling up to the moment I finish up and go do them. Which makes me more stressed, because as long I take to do them, the rest of office needs to wait to keep the workflow. So there I am, working for two, being paid for one, getting some extra hours, and getting exhausted.

My boss moves another piece.

Therapist notice I’m getting more stressed, and things had been getting me easier and some triggers are getting back. I’m getting more and more unstable. She makes some tests and takes another look on my whole history with her on the last 2 years, she also takes a look on my medication and notice there was a change for a higher dose, and now it’s twice a day. She’s worried, she tell my parents to show up and talks to my father (cause mother didn’t show up - a piece of my Jenga went missing), only after a few more sessions she gives me a diagnosis: GAD, aka Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I’m not progressing in my treatment, in fact, with everything going on with me, I got worse and instead of moving to eventually not need therapy, I need the sessions now more than ever.

My mind moves a base piece, the tower balance a bit.

Things continue going on, everyday begins to be harder and I find myself more tired. Sometimes I get home from work and just take a bath and sleep. I’m missing my appetite, I’m slowly cutting ties with friends and stop talking to them or most of them and taking distance without anyone noticing. I hardly access social media for exceptional to check a thing around here or there. I begin to get anxiety when I try to write once again and begin to be ashamed on myself and my cycle of self-punishment for not being able to write any longer or often, nor I have courage to say anyone besides the therapist all that’s going on.

Even so I try to make an apology and explain at least the part that because I’m working by two and being too stressed and tried is sadly taking out on my creativity, many agree and support and decide to give me the space am I thankful for… Still the two people I considered dearly as readers hurt deeply as I come to known their true meaning. That they already disliked the story on the point it is, that I should have just put as finished and given up and stop writing, and then suddenly other people who I didn’t even know begin to say things on the back and… I just wonder what happened to the respect and honesty I had asked from the beginning. To see so much hate suddenly going out of nowhere was surely discouraging, and on the state I was, I was not only discouraged as I was intimidated to even think on continuing.

Next thing I know is that just as my originals, I am unable to open any of my fanfictions and work on them. I shake, I break down on tears, I get too nervous, I’m unable to concentrate, I begin to question if they were right and if everyone else was just sorry of pitying on me or if they just played along. Then all the files stay in there with the originals, blocked in my unstable mind unable to product anything worthy.

Unknown people move some pieces, the tower shakes.

...

A week can be such a long period of time for some things, and a short for another and sometimes, for the very same reasons. To be fair I still don’t know to say if was a quick or a slow week since there are blanks in my memory and I just have the impact ones. But one thing I can tell for sure, it was a hell of a week.

Monday begins with my mother waking me up and hurrying up to get ready, she still doesn't notice that I’m not well. I try my best to get ready fast as I can, I take my purse to get in the car and get a ride to go to therapy and then go work. I open the door, she already took the car out and look at me; I just have to climb and it will be fine.

She look to me, than take a turn and accelerates the car, so there’s no time for me to catch up. And I am left there with my hand on the door looking on the empty place where I could have climbed the car just by few seconds, but she couldn’t wait because her class was more important than my therapy session. Because her appointment was more important than me in that moment there.

Another piece goes missing.

I’m taken by such sudden sadness and hurt that I wasn’t able to stand or breathe, I stay in the couch for a bit, my sister offer to take me to the therapist in her way to college, I just shake my head. I find out I got no voice, not even strength to talk or even look at her, but she shrugs and go. I somehow make to the bed and lay in there, sleeping. It’s the first time in 3 years I miss a day of work - I didn’t miss even when got sick -, I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t eat, I don’t have water, I don’t go out the bed, I just stay in there and sleep or stare at the blank wall trying to understand what is the feeling inside me. My therapist text me and I lie saying I had a problem, but will show up later in the week.

The next event is after I am able to speak better again, which I’m not sure if was next afternoon or two days. I walk into my therapist office and then find out my health insurance decided to cut the therapy sessions I still had, they want the word of any other doctor saying I do need the therapy and I need to do that in every 3 months or they won’t allow me to continue my treatment. I try to argue with them and reason that I wouldn’t be going if wasn’t necessary, still they say it’s a new rule to everyone so no exceptions. I can’t go to therapy, nor my therapist can treat me out her office, to pay each session it’s out my reach and I already pay for health insurance that should and does cover my treatment, so these rules make absolutely no sense… All I know is that I need my other endocrinologist to give me permission to get treatment, even if there’s nothing to do with her, and the appointment I have is a month away.

Health takes a piece. The tower starts shifting.

I make a huge mistake at work. Because my head isn’t in place I misunderstand the information I am given and end up messing up part of the payment I needed to do. I paid the wrong provider, the other one who does need the payment is stuck and now the central need to find a way to locate the other guy because until the right provider gets the payment he are getting behind track. I get stuck the whole day stuck between fixing my mistake, calming the provider and having to listen silently my boss calling me angrily for a solution.

Work moves a piece. The tower is barely standing.

It takes the next day to put my paperwork in order. the problem of paying the wrong provider still on going, but seems on a way to solution, so I could take a bit of time to focus on getting the work flowing and laughing in a way to avoiding to cry.

Last day of the week, so I can take a bit of rest, I just need hang in there a little bit. Just a few more hours and I could be home so another piece could go missing.

As we get home, my mother gets out. She starts arguing with me and father, ordering we don’t even leave the car, cause my sister needs assistance. I immediately think of the worst as she just is learning to drive and than my father replies it’s not that big deal the car failed her. I am between angry and confused, angry for worrying for a minute that it was something dangerous, confused to why my mother is making such a fuss over the car simply failing on my sister trying to turn it on and making such a fuss on having my father go there.

Things begin to scalates as she raises her voice and begins to argue with him and she tries to calm her, only making her angrier and then threatening to make a scandal and break the car window if he didn’t go. And then changing her mind to do it if he didn’t get out and let her go alone and get out the car.

Neighbors were already starting to look, I was the only in home by them aside the two, tired, getting triggered by all the stress and situation, anxious and then… something snapped.

The tower fell down as I touched to move a piece.

Somehow I took my mother hand and said determined enough for her to get in the car that they both should go. That I wanted them out the house, out of my reach and out the house. She listened by some miracle and I got inside breaking down right after before blanking out.

August 13rd, 2018. I probably won’t ever forget this date. It was a friday, I can remember clearly because it I just had laughed on the irony that it was a friday 13rd and it was being so bad on me at work. It was night and the dog was around me as if he sensed something was wrong… or he just wanted to go for a walk.

Things are blank, as if for the moment I broke down I wasn’t really there, like wasn’t me in my body, or taking control, or too shocked and overwhelmed to notice anything and just let it move and do whatever my brain decided it was best to.

Now that I used Jenga example I find it as a perfect example to explain that blank moment. It’s the moment a player found themselves holding or just after placing the piece and everything comes tumbling down, there’s a paralyzing moment that everyone around stay still in shock watching the tower fall in a mix of wonder and confusion to move only after all the pieces stopped to fall, then you and others try to evaluate how it failed the strategy before picking the pieces around to put the Jenga together again for another round.

That was that blank moment, the moment of wonder and confusion, of complete loss in which I lose myself and the control to the point I don’t even remember how things happened exactly.

All I know is that suddenly I had a knife on my hand and was standing on my kitchen and looking on my other arm.

;

I took one breath, I had went to the kitchen and started to something to relief myself. I took a second breath, I decided to hurt myself because the punishment of all my wrongs seemed like a way to relief back then. I took a third breath, I was just about to cut myself; I don’t know if would be a deep cut on my wrist, arms, lightly or whatever, but definitely wasn’t a good thing that I was up to take hurting myself to that point, and worse, to have no idea on how far I would have gone if I just suddenly get back into my senses in that seconds. I took another breath, I put the knife back in the drawer and close it.

I start to cry again, but for another reason.

Because it had been 10 years. Ten fucking years I had celebrated and considered successful just to find it this demon back again on me. I’m not just depressed and anxious as I thought. I’m back to when I was 15, in this very same kitchen when I sat in the table with a knife on a hand and a bunch of mixed medicines on the other side as I watched the clock and decided when I would put the end.

I’m suicidal again.

;

It’s enough, and I’m done. I just… couldn’t. I put myself on bed, in a way of self-grounding, I decide I will not leave the bed for the next days or talk to anyone unless necessary. And I did well, because I seriously had no idea what I would be able to do if I left that bed in the state I was.

Only in the third day I speak to my closest friends about it all and get some relief, I listen to music to try keep my heart from failing me. I am unable to be back on me again for months, I get back on therapy. I get diagnosis that my depression got in the stage of Deep Depression and at this point, my therapist alone isn’t able to do much alone. I’m somewhere between trying to recover and accepting things are just as they are. She recommends me to get assistance in a group with my family and send to my father, I decide to give a try even if not giving much hope.

My father doesn’t receive the message. Therapist mistook for my mother number and sent to her, my mother dismiss the message and says it’s no big deal and I should not mind about it. I feel hurt she dismissed so easily without talking or even looking up to it, but on the other side I’m also accepting the fact she doesn’t take me as her daughter anymore. And little by little I realize that’s not just something from my mind, as she doesn’t talk that much with me, but with a friend she has with my age and often tries and offer help to her, and then there’s me there. I set in my mind I need to leave home so she can take the daughter she wants to adopt in, and because I need my own air.

My father realizes I’m not well and that my relationship with mother is going from bad to worse to even breaking. He tries to help, my therapist call her in once again to try warn her and tell her. She avoids and miss the meet ups just like a thief runs from the police, and I decide that if she’s not even trying at all, then I won’t either.

My medicine changes to twice a day, I’m still bad, but with therapy back I’m getting a bit better by the days. I decide to travel alone in my vacation to somewhere new and where I know no one and no one knows me.

So I find myself in Curitiba in December.

The city is pretty and with gentle people with smiles and colors around, or so I’ve seen. Maybe it was the feeling that I had space for myself, that I could take a breath and not worry about it. Which also led myself to taking a walk in the grass.

Bad things happened still, true, but to be sincerely? The worst has passed for now, other still to come and, it’s ok in a way. I’ll fall down and cry and be on the ground for a while as I need, and then take my time to recover and look up and be able to talk about too.

So it may had been I took a blind eye to the world and to the rest of you, but the truth is that I don’t. But it’s hard to discuss when there’s too much pain and hurt inside you. and as much it was egoist of me to focus on myself and turn my back to the world, sometimes is necessary. and I learned that now, sometimes it is necessary to be egoist in reason to get better and it’s ok, as long you do get better and know where are your principles.

Taking the trip made me realize that. It also make me realize that taking a time away for yourself, taking a bit to breathe is ok. That my absence in order to not hurt anyone else might have been a void, but was a void necessary for me. I needed to relearn that taking a time to walk on the grass, to look in the sky, take a breath, to look around and take a moment in life… to do any of that wouldn’t destroy the world or anyone else.

The world wouldn’t end because I needed a break. No one would die because I wasn’t able to finish or accomplish something as I wish, just as no one died so far. the one one who has been dying with all this it had been me, killing myself slowly inside out.

Now I do realize that. I’m still far from recovering, I do realize that and know very well, I still have depression episodes and anxiety attacks often, I’m still on a long way to say I’m alright. Maybe I’m never gonna be 100% fine or sane per say, maybe some part of me will always have anxiety and depression because of my brain or whatever but… I hope in that in my lowest moments I am able to look at this moment where Lullaby wrote this about the real me and I can remember to step down a bit.

I’m 25 now, I celebrated 10 years over giving up on suicide when I was 15, and after that… even if I still have suicidal traces for now and dealing with them, and even if I had a recent episode… I guess I can celebrate and count over again, so in ten year I can celebrate 2 times, right? This may be stupid and sound optimist but really… It’s just me trying to take the needle of good in the pile of garbage this all had been. Doesn’t erase the garbage and all it had been, just... trying to desperately find a little thing useful so I can say it wasn’t all Hell and throw it away like I did with my teenage years.

So this is it. I was absent and I’m recovering, right now I’m trying to get on track of writing and reading again. I am 25, diagnosed with Deep Depression, GAD, I have to take medicine to keep in control. I have to change jobs and hope to do soon. I try as much to listen and comfort everyone and make laughs because the last I want if to anyone else to feel the way I do.

And with that being said, I can breathe out and finally put the last year as it is: the past.

As I always say, let’s prepare for the bad and always hope for the best, and onwards to 2019. :)

#personal #me #lullytalks #venting #anxiety #depression #stress #mentalinstability #TW #twseflharming #twsuicide #twsuicidal #tw: suidice #tw: suicidal thoughs #twanxiety #twdepression #triggering #triggerwarning #triger warning

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