#gonna use this post to say sorry I've been absent this month!

[justgotawesome]

Can't believe it's been 10 years since HTTYD2 came out, feels like it was just months ago I was watching it in the cinemas over and over and over again. But it was 10 years, damn hahah. What a beautiful film it was though.

[cryonme]

𝐋𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐀𝐭 𝐔𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐰 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟏

—graham dunne x fem!reader

—summary: the story of you and graham dunne was never simple, but his love for you never faltered.

— word count: 2.7k

—tw: addiction, implied drugging, alcohol, cursing, reader says she "doesn't wanna be here anymore", very obvious signs of mental illness, the works...

—a/n: so... I did not intend for this fic to be this long or this sad, but here we are. I'm breaking it into two parts so its easier to read, part two is coming shortly!! I apologize for how sad this is lol but I promise its a happy ending story! also, sorry for how I wrote daisy! she's my girl and I love her, it was just for the plot I swear! this is the first fic I've posted in about 6 months so im rusty, please be kind! and please, don't read if anything listed in the triggers is going to upset you, I want you all happy and comfortable! XO

(flashbacks in italics)

Nothing was ever Daisy’s fault, was it?

At least, that’s what Graham Dunne thought when he got a call from Karen saying his girl was wasted at a party with Daisy attached to your hip.

She should have known what you were struggling with, she should have known that you couldn’t handle a party, she should have known this wasn’t what you needed. Daisy Jones should’ve fucking known.

To be completely fair, they really all should’ve known. You’d been around since day 1. Everyone knew better, Daisy just happened to be the red corvette.

-

“You can’t keep doing this, my love.” Camilla whispered oh so gently, holding your hair back from your face, pressing a cold rag to your neck.

It was a small gig, at some shitty bar called Tony’s in Pittsburgh. The band always had a couple beers and maybe a shot or two before a show but you had begun to need more. You snuck vodka into your water bottles and begged the bartenders to sneak you a couple free extras by pulling your top down and leaning over the bar, using your forearms to push your tits up. 

It worked every time. Pigs.

“Can do whatever I want.” You slurred, cheek pressed to the toilet seat.

But damnit, you knew she was right.

Tony’s wasn’t the first time.

There was Rod’s, and The Ladie’s Room, and The Shiner Saloon, and some girl named Lisa’s 18th birthday party. It was becoming a pattern, everyone could tell.

You always went back to your house after a show. Your parents had been completely absent since you were 15, you never knew where they were. And after every show, their cars were never once in the driveway.

A safespace.

Billy would sit outside of the bathroom, head leaning against the door while Graham waited in the living room, arms crossed and head down, not wanting to listen to your cries and shakes of pain.

Eddie would retreat to the guest room, but he usually wouldn’t be able to fall asleep til he heard the click of your door next to his.

Warren would be passed out on the couch as soon as you all walked through the door, not that he didn’t care about you immensely, but the poor kid could just not stay awake if he was tired.

“I wanna go to bed.” You said.

Camilla sighed, “Are you sure you’re ready?”

You nodded and so did Camilla. She got up to get Billy like she always did, and he’d come and pick you up off of the bathroom floor, as he always did, and carry you to your room and lay you on the bed, letting Camilla make sure you’re comfortable, like she always did.

Graham would come in and ask how you’re doing, like he always did, and he’d make himself comfortable on your floor with throw pillows and spare blankets, like he always did.

But that night, after Tony’s, things changed.

“I can’t do this anymore, Graham.” You whimpered.

Fuck.

This was early days, Graham was still awkward as hell and didn’t know how to go about things like this.

“Do what?” He croaked, mustering up the courage to be there for you.

“This. I can’t live like this. I’m afraid I’m gonna kill myself.”

Graham was up in an instant, reaching for the doorknob. “Do you want me to get Camilla?”

You shook your head, “No, please. Just-” You wiped a tear from your cheek, “Will you just lay with me?”

“Anything.” Graham breathed as he settled into bed next to you. You immediately wrapped your arms around him, being too drunk to care about any awkwardness and Graham was thankful.

“We’ll get you out of this, promise.”

-

That was the last time anybody saw you drink anything besides a beer or two, following that was shirley temples and cherry cokes.

Nobody really knew the heaviness of addiction then, but they knew that you were happier, and that’s all that really mattered to them. You were even laughing at Warren’s jokes and Billy and Eddie’s lame bickering, everything felt okay.

“You don’t drink?” Karen had asked, the first time you properly met in California, while she was digging through the fridge searching for a beer. You shook your head, hoping you weren’t going to get some crazy reaction like you were a zoo animal in a cage like you got from most people.

She just nodded, a small smile playing at her lips as she pulled two coca cola bottles from the fridge, popping them open with her ring and handing you one.

“Cheers to that.”

You were sober enough to realize you were in love with Graham, and confident enough to tell him. And man, he could’ve exploded.

There was a celebration, at the house in Laurel Canyon, just the 7 of you.

Warren recalls later that Graham looked like he’d been dipped in sunshine and rainbows.

“Like he’d just smoked sunshine and been fucked by a rainbow. It was crazy, man.”

Well, almost.

You’d been around the band multiple times while they drank and it was never a problem. You’d have the first round of beers with them then tap out, but you always stayed and had fun, smoked a couple joints and cigarettes, never without a mocktail or coca cola in your hand. Sometimes, usually Karen or Camilla, someone would join you on the sober night, and that always felt really nice.

That night had felt different, you were scared.

-

“I’m gonna fuck him up Warren…” You said as you laid on the floor with the drummer as Down By The Seaside by Led Zeppelin played from the record player, Warren laughed.

“Yeah you are.” He said, his tone suggestive as he bumped his elbow with yours.

You rolled your eyes, fighting the heat creeping into your cheeks. “You know what I mean, man. I’m gonna ruin him.”

Warren had known you long enough and listened to enough of the songs you wrote to where he’d like to think he knew you pretty well.

And you never opened up out of the blue unless you were drunk.

“Have you been drinking?” He asked, not looking up from the ceiling. You scoffed.

“I still have a beer here and there, Warren.”

“You know what I mean, man.” He repeated your words back to you and you felt like you couldn’t breathe.

“I’m going to bed.” You said and stood up, trying your hardest not to stumble or slur.

“Honey…” Warren started, pushing himself off of the floor to try to stop you.

“NO!” You whipped around, flipping your hair so forcefully it stung your face but you were quick to pull it back.

“Don’t fucking- don’t fucking do that, man!” You started, holding a hand up. “My own friends don’t even fucking trust me i’m just constantly babied! Do you know how that feels?”

At that point, Karen, Eddie and Billy had tuned in, being in the kitchen. Camilla and Graham must have been elsewhere, he had always confided in her like a sister.

“Hey–” Billy tried to interject with a hand on your wrist but you were quick to pull away.

“Huh?! Do any of you know how that feels?!” You were borderline screaming now, and everyone was speaking to you so softly, hands slowly trying to grasp you and it made you want to scream even louder.

“How dare you ‘ccuse me of something like that asshole?” You were beginning to slur your words, the tequila you’d snuck from Warren’s room starting to hit pretty heavily, making your eyes droop and words slur.

“Baby, please-” Karen started, making the move to grasp your arm but you turned and lost your balance, nearly falling but Eddie was quick to catch you, he held on tight and didn’t dare let go until you calmed down or Graham came back. Billy had left minutes ago to find him and Camilla, who had taken a walk so he could freely gush about his new girl without the chances of anyone else hearing.

“Need you to calm down, babe.” Eddie whispered, running a hand up and down your arm for comfort.

“None of you even care!”

Warren shook his head alongside Karen, both of them had squatted in front of you, doing their best to provide what you needed.

“That’s not true.”

“I fucking hate you all!” 

“You don’t mean that.”

“I don’t wanna be here anymore!”

And then he said your name.

You froze.

He was gonna leave you, you were so sure of it. You worked so hard to be better for him and it didn’t work.

“No…” You whimpered and you swore you saw Graham break in front of your eyes.

“You can’t- you can’t see this.”

But he didn’t care. He knelt in front of you and Eddie and gathered you into his own arms, completely silent as he carried you to his room and you wanted to disappear into him so badly.

“‘M so sorry…” You slurred, and still he was quiet. You let him undress you and replace your pretty top and flared jeans with his own tee shirt and boxer shorts.

You watched as he changed into a similar outfit as you picked at your nails. “Graham, I-”

He sighed and placed his hands on either sides of your cheeks, placing a firm kiss on your forehead that only made you cry harder. You brought your hands up to grip his wrists, not willing to let go of the feeling of his lips on your skin.

“I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?”

Graham was silent again as he pulled you into his bed with him, covering you both with the large duvet.

“Not in the slightest.”

-

That night was really the last night anybody had seen you get drunk like that.

Then, Daisy Jones came along.

And you learned how to keep bad habits a secret.

Tequila and mints in the bathroom, water and cherry cokes with the band. A shot of jameson to fall asleep. Champagne to wake up, brush your teeth. A beer in the shower after lunch, leave the evidence in Warren’s room since there were hundreds of empty ones anyway.

It’s not like Daisy was teaching you one on one, you just started watching her, and you liked the way she got away with it.

No one told Daisy about your issue either, you could hold your own and you had asked them not to, so lips were sealed.

But it took everything in Graham and Billy not to tell her to tread lightly every time they saw the two of you sneak off on your own.

And now here was Graham Dunne, sitting in the driver's seat of the van outside of God knows who’s house, with Camilla in the passenger’s seat and Billy in the back. Moral support. 

“Want us to come with you?”

Graham shook his head. “I need to do this alone.”

Billy scoffed, “I’m not gonna let you go in there with our two hot headed alcoholic rage sisters. Cam, you stay here.”

“Nope, you go I go. You two get our girl, I’ll handle Daisy.”

The three bickered a moment but finally settled on their plan. Graham and Camilla would take you, while Karen and Billy took Daisy, since the blonde girl drove.

“Fucking finally.” Karen exasperated as she saw her friends walk into the backyard of the party while trying her hardest to hold you upright.

“Where is Daisy?” Billy spat immediately, making eyes around the party. You had always been like a sister to him, in the way Camilla was to Graham, and he could’ve killed the redheaded girl in that moment.

“Beats me.” Karen said, passing off your deadweight into Graham, who was quickly supported by Billy. Your head lulled onto your boyfriend's shoulder, recognizing him as a source of comfort even in your inebriated state.

It made his soul ache.

“Is Simone here?” Camilla asked.

Karen shook her head, “Was. Split as soon as she and Daisy got into a fight. Offered to take this one” she nodded her head at you “home with her but I figured it’d be best if you guys came.”

Graham shook his head, “You made the right call, thank you.”

“Yeah, well uh, I sure as hell can’t drive. Got drunk as hell before even stepping foot in the backyard, soon as I saw (Y/n) I stepped in and called you guys immediately.”

“Do we need to get Daisy?”

“That’s a fight you sure as hell don’t wanna have. Yelled at me just for taking ‘her best friend’ away from her to get her some water.”

Billy rolled his eyes.

Graham and Billy began making their way out of the party with you slung around their shoulders, and Camilla walking arm in arm with a very drunk Karen who kept tripping over feet.

And suddenly red hair and sparkling eyes were in front of them.

“Ohhh no, what happened to my girl?” She tried to touch your face but Billy pulled you away, ready to say something before Graham spoke up, surprising everyone.

“Your girl, Daisy?!” His voice boomed, no doubt you’d be embarrassed if you were in any way conscious. “This is my girl, our girl.” He gestured to the rest of the group. “And I’d say it’s in your best interest to leave her the hell alone from now on.”

-

Graham was a mess when he got you home.

Daisy ended up at the house not too long after the rest, explaining she didn’t know the situation, apologizing profusely, informing them all you had been drinking for months. She told them in a sullen voice that you hadn’t been this bad last time she saw her, that she thinks someone must have done it to you.

Graham understood, he did. But he couldn’t look at Daisy. How could she let you out of her sight, to allow someone to do this to you? It made his stomach turn. Billy was next to his brother this time, in the living room, a hand resting on his shoulder, squeezing from time to time, and instead of standing Graham sat with his head in his hands, creating knots in his hair as he ran his fingers through it. Cam and Karen had you in the bathroom, after seeing the panic in Graham’s eyes they decided to take over that part, knowing it wouldn’t be easy for him to see. Warren stayed up, and Eddie didn’t retreat to his room, Daisy paced back and forth outside of the bathroom, biting her nails. Graham could hear it, it was driving him nuts.

“Would it kill you to be quiet for two seconds, Daisy?!” He groaned, running a hand over his red splotchy face.

Everyone knew that Graham was just upset and taking it out on Daisy, the red corvette, which wasn’t exactly fair, but they also knew better than to argue with Graham at that point.

“You know what, Graham?!” Daisy stomped into the living room, planting herself in front of the Dunne brothers with her arms crossed.

Graham didn’t look up.

“Hey, I’m talkin’ to you!” Daisy used her thumb and pointer finger to grip his chin and pull his face up to look at her and she immediately felt guilty at his tear stained cheeks and glassy eyes.

She sighed, and crouched before him.

“I know it’s hard, and I’m so, so sorry this is happening to her. But she makes her own decisions, Graham. No one could’ve stopped her.”

Graham nodded, but still wouldn’t look in her direction. “Will you go check on her, please?”

Daisy would later tell the story with a frown on her face, and she’d recall never being that scared for another person before, despite the smile she put on for Graham.

“I didn’t-” She took a breath, “I’d never seen it that bad before, at least not while I was sober. I thought she was going to die.”

Daisy retreated to yours and Graham’s shared room shortly after discovering she couldn’t stomach staying in that bathroom, deciding to make herself useful by getting the bed ready, fluffing the pillows and retrieving some fresh clothes for you to wear to bed, making sure she grabbed ones that smelled like your boyfriend. She dropped the clothes off in the bathroom, and passed along the message to Graham from Karen and Camilla that it was time to take you to bed.

This had been Billy’s job, since before The Six was even The Six, that’s how it went. But things had changed, Graham had grown, and it was his turn.

part two coming soon!

[footballfanficwriter]

Absent Father

Summary:where the reader is about to give birth and Jude is not home

"When are you going to be back?" I ask as I watch him pack his bag

"In a couple of months Love" he says

"Oh"

"But don't worry it'll be over before we know it"

"Can't you pull out of the squad and say you've got an injury or something"

"You know I can't do that, they'll examine my body to check my story out"

I sigh

"Hey, it's not that bad, we'll call eachother and face time, we're gonna be ok"

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself"

"I'm trying to convince the both of us"

"Jude you know that I'm due any day now right"

"I know"

"And you won't be there by my side holding my hand or getting to witness the birth of your child" I say trying to hold back my tears

"I know baby, and I'm sorry"

"Sometimes I wish you were Just Jude Bellingham, not Jude Bellingham the Real Madrid and England Star

He stops packing and looks at me

"Sometimes I wish that as well darling, but that's not how it is"

"Yeah, I'm going to the kitchen to make a snack"

"Ok"

I leave the room and walk to the kitchen to make something to eat

As I'm busy I hear Jude come down the stairs with his bag

He places it down and walks up to me and towers over me, places a kiss on my forehead and bends down to kiss my belly

"I have to go" he says as he stands up

I come in for a hug and hug him very tightly as if by doing so I can just pause time and stop it from moving

He hugs me tightly as well indicating he doesn't wanna let go

As we're hugging the tears start coming out and I don't even try to fight them this time, i'm silently crying, and pretty sure my tears have now stained his shirt

He pulls away, looks me in the eyes and wipes the tears from my face

"I love you"

"I love you"

He kisses my forehead one more time walks to his bag and heads for the door where his driver waits for him

A week later:

I'm lying on the sofa watching a series that I'm not really paying attention to, all I'm thinking about is how scared I am and how I won't have anyone in the delivery room with me, and the person that I do want to be there is in another country

It's been difficult to talk and Face time with Jude, because he's either very busy or he's too tired to talk, if he's not training, he's doing press, if it's not press it's games, if it's not games he's out with his teammates, there's just always something happening and it makes me wonder if he's  trying to avoid me, because if he wasn't ignoring me then he would at least make the time to try and talk to me, it's always me reaching out and calling him but he never does the same

The only interactions we have nowadays is when he posts something and I like and comment under his post and he'll just reply to my comment

I honestly don't know what to do but I just keep telling myself that he's busy and can't talk

I stand up and walk upstairs to get my phone to check if I've gotten any call from Jude

The minute I grab my phone from my bed there's a warm liquid that I feel on my legs

I look down and see water on the floor

I start freaking out a bit but then compose myself and walk to my wardrobe to grab my bag

And walk downstairs and get into the car and start driving to the hospital

When I arrive at the hospital I ask the receptionist for my doctor, but she tells me that in order to see her I have to have an appointment

"Lady listen to me, I'm a Pregnant Woman that's about to give birth, are you really gonna tell me to wait to see my Doctor?"

"I'm sorry I was not aware, I'll go get her"

She walks down a passage and makes a left knocking on a door, 2 minutes later she returns with Doctor Ashley Johnson

"Mrs. Bellingham, what are you doing here?, Where's is your Husband?"

"On a business Trip" I say breathing heavily

"Can someone get this woman a wheelchair?"

A few minutes later I'm in a hospital gown and walking around my hospital room trying to Dilate myself enough to give birth to this baby and Doctor Johnson holding my hand

"So where is your husband?"

"He's away, on a Business trip"

"Your Mother?"

"We don't really get along, let's just say she's not happy with the decisions I made in my life"

"Like?"

"Marring my Husband"

"What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing, she just didn't want me to marry someone who is from a different country number one and from a different culture"

"Your mother in law?"

"She moved back to England to be with my Father in law and brother in law"

"Siblings?"

"They are all married and even if I were to call them they are too far away"

"So I guess it's just you and me then" she says

I nod my head realizing that no one from my family is actually coming

"Yep"

After 10 hours of walking around and trying to Dilate Doctor Johnson informs me that I'm ready to give birth

She calls the rest of her team to come and assist and after two hours

A baby Boy is born

My body is tired and I just feel absolutely exhausted

"Mrs. Bellingham, we're going to clean your baby boy, you just get some rest we'll bring him right back"

"Ok" I say falling asleep

The next day I wake up feeling much better than the previous day, I turn my head to see my baby sleeping peacefully and Doctor Johnson walks into the room

"Hi, how are we doing in here?"

"We're ok, he's asleep"

"Have you spoken to your family yet?"

"No, I haven't, I'll wait for him to wake up first, then I'll make calls"

"And a name, have you decided on a name yet?"

"No I wanna call my husband first then we'll discuss it"

"Ok"

Doctor Johnson stays with me for some time until the baby wakes up

"I'll leave you to it then"

"Thank you"

I grab my phone and the first people I call are my Four sisters

They all get excited and squeal as they see the baby for the first time

"What's his name?" One of them ask

"I don't know, I'm gonna call Jude and we'll talk about it"

"Aww, he's so cute"

"Thank you"

"Congratulations sis, we're so proud of you, we wish we could be there"

I shed some tears and tell them it's fine and that we'll all meet up eventually

The next person I call is Denise.

"Hello love"

"Hi Mom, you alright?"

"Yeah, how are you"

"Oh we're fine, but I have something to show you"

I slightly turn the phone to Show her the baby and she looks in shock

"Mark, Jobe come look"

After some time Mark and Jobe appear on the screen

"Oh God he's so adorable"

"Are you ok though love"

"Yeah, I will be" I say

"What's his name?"

"I still need to call Jude, then we'll discuss it, and then we'll let everyone know

"Ok love, take care of yourself ok"

"Ok"

"We love you"

"Love you too"

The next person I call is Jude, hoping he'll pick up but he doesn't instead he sends a text

Hubby: what's up?

Me: can you call, it's important

Hubby: what is it?

Me: Jude can you pls just answer your phone it's really important

Hubby: just text me, I'm busy rn

Me: with what?

Hubby: With Trent, Madders and Hendo

Me: so you can't just excuse yourself for some time, I'm telling you that this is important why are you being difficult?"

Hubby: no actually I can't excuse myself, we're playing UNO, and I'm losing like hell

Me: oh so you would rather play a game of UNO than to hear what I have to say?

Hubby: just text it to me, I'm sure it's not a big deal

Me: if you consider the fact that you have a son not important then Yeah, it's not important

Hubby: what 🤯 are you being serious, you game birth?

Me: yeah but don't let me stop you from your game, it's most definitely more important than the birth of your son

                           Hubby ❤

                            Calling...

I decline the call

Hubby: babe answer the phone

Me: The baby is asleep, I'll call you when he wakes up, if I answer it'll wake him up

Hubby: oh c'mon don't be like that

Me: I'll call you later, get back to your game

I place my phone next to me and admire my newly born baby boy who is fully awake

"Hey Babe, welcome to the world, I'm gonna love you so much more than anything in the world"

He only giggles and cuddles further into my arms and it makes me Coo

2 months later:

Today is the day Jude comes back and to say I'm excited is an understatement we never had the discussion of the Baby's name so I just decided it Myself

And I Decided on Jamie

Ever since Jamie's birth Jude has been calling a lot more often and calling to check on us every day, which is good because then he won't miss that many Moments

Jamie is growing so fast it feels like it was just yesterday when it was just the two of us cuddling in a hospital bed, now he can crawl

Jude should be landing in a few hours and Jamie and I are preparing something to have for dinner, hopefully Jude will be here in time for dinner

Jamie however is on top of the counter grabbing things and putting them in his mouth while I prepare dinner

After making dinner, I get Jamie cleaned up and into his pajamas

And I carry him downstairs where we'll sit and wait for Jude

I'm so excited because we're about to have our first dinner as a family also adding the fact that I haven't seen Jude in almost three months

20:00( 8pm)

Jamie and I are sitting in the dinning room waiting for Jude to come home

21:00( 9pm)

Jamie has fallen asleep on my chest

22:00 ( 10pm)

Jamie is now asleep in this crib and I'm waiting for Jude while doing the dishes and packing away all the table decor that I've put out

23:00 (11:00 pm)

Fast asleep in bed

00:00 ( 12:00pm)

01:00 am

The door to the house opens and I hear Jude walk up the stairs and towards our room, the door opens and I hear him sigh and take his clothes off leaving him in his trunks

He gets into bed and kisses my shoulder

"Hello my love" he says in a husky voice

"I know you're awake, you're a light sleeper, I know you heard me come in"

I shrug him off and try to make myself comfortable on the bed

"What's wrong, are you not going to greet back"

"Hi"

"Is that all I get?"

"Yeah"

"Why are you upset i haven't seen you in 2 months and the first time I come back you give me a cold shoulder?"

"Exactly we haven't seen eachother in 2 months, and you couldn't even get home on time for dinner like you promised"

"Oh, you know I thought I told you that I was gonna be late, because Trent wanted to party for a bit before we were all headed home because we wouldn't see eachother in a long time"

"Does Trent have a two month old  baby boy who he hasn't seen ever since his birth and a wife who gave birth on her own  waiting for him at home?"

"No"

"Do you?"

"Yes"

"So please explain to me because I must be losing my mind, you had two months, two months with these people "your sheriffs" to laugh and share moments, yet your two month old son has not even shared a single moment with you and you still put your teammates before him to make moments with them and you don't even have one with your son"

He is quiet

"So is it wrong for me to assume that from now on your international teammates and club teammates will forever be the first choice no matter what?"

"No babe, you and James are the most important thing in my life and will forever be my first"

"I can't even look at you right now"

"You were not there when he was born, when we were suppose to name him , i ended up naming him myself because I had to put something on the birth certificate, you weren't there when he started crawling and now you said the wrong name yet he's your son"

"Is his name not James?"

"If you had answered your phone on that day we would have named him together" I say getting out of bed and grabbing my gown

"And his name is Jamie" I say walking out of the room and walking to Jamie's room to sleep there

The next morning I'm woken up by Jamie's cries

I walk to him and pick him out of his crib and walk to the Kitchen to find Jude making Breakfast

"Morning babe"

"What are you doing?"

"Making breakfast, I'm making French toast, still your favorite right?"

"Yeah"

"Great, have a seat it'll be ready in just a few minutes"

Jamie lays his head on my shoulder as he looks at Jude almost as if he's asking who is the guy in our Kitchen making food

He's uncomfortable

"Hey it's ok, that's your dad" I whisper into his ear and kiss his head

I walk to the dinning table and put Jamie on my lap where he stares at me and shows his gums that are without teeth

I smile down at him and shower him with kisses and he giggles

In that moment Jude walks to us and almost  immediately Jamie's head goes on my chest and he stops giggling

"Here you are"

"Thanks" I say

He takes a seat across me and looks at Jamie and sends him a small wave, but it only makes Jamie force himself further into my chest

Jude gives me a sad look and I look back at him

He clears his throat and breaks the uncomfortable silence

"So how have you been?"

"Fine, yeah I've been fine, you?"

"Yep same just really tired"

"Yeah"

The awkward silence is among us again and we eat in silence

"Fuck" he says under his breath

"How much have I missed?" He asks

"A lot more than you can imagine" I reply

"Baby, I am so sorry, when you said that I missed so much I didn't know you meant it like that to the point where my own son doesn't recognize me"

"Yeah"

"How can I make up for it?"

"I wouldn't know either Jude, Jamie is a baby, he doesn't comprehend what's happening, it not like you can just throw the words I'm sorry to him and he'll forgive you just like that"

"You're not helping, I'm asking for solutions not for you to make me feel worse than I already do"

"Well you wouldn't be feeling like this if you had been there number 1, if you had answered your phone so we could name him together and if you had made more time to talk to us"

"I called you every day"

"Did you call me when I was a week from giving birth, huh, when our only interaction would be on Social media where I was liking pictures and commenting and you were liking or replying to my comments"

"I called you guys every day, to find out how you were doing"

"For five minutes, you can't really say anything in five minutes"

"I was tired"

"But you were never too tired to go out with your teammates, right?, all that time you spent with them, could have been used to get to know your son, given how difficult it was to be there for him when he was born"

"So what, you wanted me to stay in my hotel room and be left out while everyone was enjoying themselves?"

"If you couldn't do it for me then you could have at least done it for Jamie, you were an absent father, and it's not my fault that after I tried to get you involved in his life and you refused and now he doesn't even know you"

He's quiet and just continues eating his food

After having breakfast Jamie and i walk to the Kitchen and i get started on the dishes while He sits next me with his favorite chew toy that keeps him behaving

Jude walks in

"Let me take him" he says

He goes to pick Jamie up and Jamie starts crying

I immediately leave the dishes and walk to them

"Here take over the dishes, I'll take him

"No it's fine, he'll be fine"

"No Jude let go of him, I need to feed him he hasn't been fed yet"

He let's go of Jamie and I walk to his room to feed him

After 2 hours Jamie falls asleep for his afternoon nap

And I walk to the living room to watch some TV only to find Jude watching TV

I take a seat and Jude pauses his show

"Is he ok?"

"Yeah, he's asleep"

"That's good"

"Mhm"

"Y/n, I'm sorry, I know that the past 2 months have not been easy for you and that you were scared when you had to give birth to Jamie, because I wasn't there for you both"

"It's fine, you were working"

"Yeah but that's not an excuse, I feel horrible, I feel like I'll never get to have a relationship with my son if things go on like this"

"Don't say that Jude, Jamie will get use to you, eventually, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but eventually"

"You were right, if I made the time then we wouldn't be here right now having this conversation"

"True, but you made a mistake and you are rectifying it, now you know what to do and what not to next time"

He smiles at me and I return the smile

"Thank you"

"You're welcome"

He scoots closer to me and places his arm around my shoulder and I lay my head on his

"I've missed you so much"

"I've missed you as well"

"Can you believe it, we're actually Parents now"

"Right, times like these are gonna be fewer, where it's just the two of us bringe watching Movies and series"

"That's true, we're gonna be so occupied, it's crazy"

"Yep"

"I love you"

"I love you too"

He kisses my forehead and unpause the show he was watching.

[aelfgyvaa]

re: your post about anne boleyn merch, would be interested to hear your thoughts on the musical "six"!!

I think we were always gonna end up here eventually. To briefly summarise? I have pretty much nothing but distaste for Six.

Before I get into it, let me just say - I don't care if you like Six. If it makes you happy, that's great, I respect that. I'm not trying to tell anyone that they can't or shouldn't enjoy it, just that my personal opinion of it is... negative, to say the least.

TW - In the discussion below, I do mention child loss and child sexual abuse

────────────

The very first song in Six promises that the show is going to explore a different side of the infamous six wives of Henry VIII, rejecting the popular narrative ('Get ready for the truth that we'll be revealing'). However, it only seems to succeed in retreading the same ground we've been going over for literal centuries. I'm sure a casual viewer of Six could certainly learn something new about these women from the show - if, that is, they'd never really known about them in the first place.

To start, I'll go over some of the gripes I have with each individual representation of the wives.

Catherine of Aragon

First off - did no one pause to think that a jokey throwaway line like this in an upbeat pop track might have been distasteful when discussing a woman who lost five children?? No? Ok. Catherine had four miscarriages or stillbirths, and lost her son Henry when he was little more than a month old (and from what I've seen, none of this is mentioned at any point).

'Kiddy-less' is just obnoxious.

Anne Boleyn

In her character description at the beginning of the script, Anne is described as 'a bubbly, fun-loving gal who only wanted to snog a sexy guy'. At another point, she is referred to as 'The temptress'. Right. So we're just sticking to the exact same reductive portrayal of Anne that's been circulating forever? Cool, cool, very revisionist.

The only person who confessed to an affair with Anne Boleyn was Mark Smeaton, who did so under torture, and his story didn't even align with known facts at the time. Portraying Anne as a flirt is not 'revealing' the 'truth' - it's quite literally repeating the narrative that saw her executed.

The script and the song lyrics are littered with jokey references to 'losing your head' and I just??? Apparently, the beheading of a real person was the opportune moment to slide in a blowjob joke. Sorry, didn't realise that her execution was funny - my bad I guess.

Jane Seymour

Six seems to want to give us the impression that Henry VIII's affection for Jane Seymour, the only one of his wives to give birth to a surviving son, was reciprocated by her. Which is... certainly presumptive.

Of course, I can't definitely say anything about her personal feelings, but the fact that Henry married her eleven days after Anne's execution, and that she was reportedly sympathetic to Catherine of Aragon and Mary Tudor, paints an interesting picture of their relationship.

Other than that, there's not much to say about Jane - but that in itself isn't great. She comes off as flat, and little more than a doting housewife-esque stereotype. I understand that she was only queen for a year, but... go girl give us nothing?

Anne of Cleves

Once again... this is just so lazy. Considering one of the two writers/composers for Six studied revisionist history at Cambridge, the revisionist narrative we were promised at the beginning remains entirely absent.

The first time Henry VIII met Anne, he burst in unannounced, in disguise, and kissed her without consent. I don't know about anyone else - but if I had just arrived in a new country, was not fluent in the language, and had never seen the man I was to marry before - I'd be freaking the fuck out if that happened. Henry seems to be one of the first people to ever call Anne 'ugly', which only happened after this incident wherein she was clearly unimpressed by him. Very convenient.

Katherine Howard

Sigh...

Yeah, I hate this. I hate it so much.

Accounts are definitely murky, but I think it's safe to say that Katherine Howard had a childhood marred by sexual abuse. Whilst she was a ward of the Duchess of Norfolk, Katherine had a 'relationship' with her music teacher Henry Mannox. We don't know exactly how old Mannox was (Six puts him at 23, but yeah. We don't know), but given that their 'relationship' reportedly took place around 1536-ish, Katherine would've been about thirteen. There's an acknowledgement of this age gap in Six, but it's pretty gross how flippant it is.

Her alleged 'relationship' with the Duchess' secretary Francis Dereham is also referenced with similar thoughtlessness.

Given that Katherine was most likely still a teenager when she married Henry VIII - and when adultery accusations resulted in her execution - the pretty blatantly sexual tone with which she is presented is incredibly uncomfortable and, frankly, super inappropriate.

Katherine Parr

First off - fucking pardon? Speaks for itself, really.

The first half of Katherine's song focuses on her relationship with Thomas Seymour as opposed to Henry VIII. Which, y'know, it's nice to move away from Henry, although Thomas Seymour is very much not off the fucking hook (child groomer👍).

Katherine's song is definitely the least blatantly offensive and/or boringly repetitive of the bunch, and I do appreciate the references to her writing (although it is pretty much thrown in without any context). To be honest, she's pretty much got the only characterisation that I'm not actively opposed to.

────────────

Six claims to be a feminist, revisionist retelling, and yet in its first scene immediately pits the six women against each other by deciding to compete for who is the 'best wife' by... comparing trauma? Even when Katherine Parr's character questions this, she's mocked by the other characters.

There's an acknowledgement towards the end of the play that comparing the women and defining them by their relationships with King Henry is reductive - but frankly, by this point in the play, the damage has already been done. No half-assed 'Hey maybe we shouldn't compare ourselves after all!' is going to erase literally everything else that happened in the show prior to this. I don't care that you've decided to pull a complete 180 right at the very end, you still populated the rest of the show with disrespectful jokes that made light of the traumatic experiences of VERY REAL PEOPLE.

Six fundamentally fails at its introductory promise of revealing any sort of 'as yet untold' history surrounding these women. Worse, it arguably dehumanises them, reducing them to a group of dancing, singing, jokey fictional characters who reflect on the misery of their real-life counterparts with a disconcerting sense of humour. Instead of fulfilling its feminist framing, it falls for the tired, repetitive method of thought that presents these women as two-dimensional placeholders.

I read Six's entire script for this post, and honestly, I hope I never have to look at it again.

[firstaidspray]

Birthday Countdown Revchase Snippets - Day 25 aka MY BIRTHDAY!!

To celebrate Valentine's month as well as my birthday month, I'm going to post a snippet of Revchase every day until my birthday, using these prompts- there are 25 so it leads right up to my birthday!! Here is day 25, FINALLY MY BIRTHDAY!! This was really fun to write, but I'm sorry if anything is inaccurate because I've never been surfing and I just read and watched some guides on how to do it 😅

25- Write about your ship bathing or swimming surfing together.

Pairing: Robert Chase/Reverie (oc)

Media: House MD

Word Count: 1,861

Rating: T

CW: None

A weekend off is an incredible thing. A weekend off for one's birthday is even better– and Reverie's birthday is on a Sunday. Naturally, she's asked Chase to go to the beach, so they drive out to the shore, packed up to stay the night, surfboards strapped to the top of the car.

Because this is not just going to be a regular trip to the shore. Reverie asked Chase to teach her to surf.

“Can't believe you're Australian and never learned how to surf,” Chase says playfully as they drive along the coast. “Honestly, it's quite surprising.”

Reverie swats his arm playfully. “Oh, shut up. Not everyone had that luxury, you know.”

Chase shrugs. “Fair enough. It's kind of nice, actually. I’m going to be the one to teach you. It's kind of romantic.”

“I agree,” Reverie replies, a wistful tone to her voice. “To me, anything where you teach me something is romantic. Especially if it happens at the ocean.”

He smiles in response. “That’s sweet you think so. Okay, we're almost there.”

When Chase says this, he takes a turn onto a strange path that Reverie hasn't seen before. It's a road, clearly meant to be used, but there is not a railing or signs indicating it's a true path. But Reverie says nothing, and just watches as Chase takes the vehicle down this sandy path, eventually reaching a small stretch of shore and a cove absent of any people at all.

“Here we are,” Chase announces, shutting off the car and hopping out. “Surprise.”

After getting out of the car herself, Reverie looks around, arms crossed. “What is this place? We've never been here before. In fact, it doesn't look like anyone has.”

Chase's smile widens. “I found this cove a long time ago, and for a while I was scared I'd get in trouble for coming back. But I decided that I didn't care, and I had to bring you here.”

Reverie smiles back. “Huh. So maybe this is our cove now, then? If we don't get yelled at for swimming here, that is.”

“Not just swimming,” Chase says with effort as he reaches up to the roof of the car, undoing the straps around the two surfboards atop it. “Surfing, too, remember?”

“Of course,” Reverie says, digging in the backseat for their wetsuits. “If I'm honest, I'm kind of scared.”

Chase takes both boards off the car and holds one under each arm. “Nah, c'mon, you’ve got me to teach you. No need to worry. Go ahead and suit up.”

She raises her eyebrow. “Out in the open?”

“It's just us, Rev,” Chase reassures her, grabbing his own wetsuit and stripping out of his shirt.

Reverie admires Chase's bare torso for a moment, catching him grinning at her, then snaps herself out of it and takes off her own clothes, though she shrinks against herself to cover up as much as she can. Even though Chase has seen her naked just as much as he's seen her clothed, and there's no one else around to see, Reverie remains bashful and blushes even after she's fully covered in her wetsuit.

She steps forward in the sand to meet Chase, who is also in his wetsuit, and she can't help but gasp a little and bite her lip. Something about wetsuits, she thinks, admiring the way it hugs Chase's figure.

“Damn, you look good in that,” Chase tells her, which surprises her.

“Was gonna say the same to you,” Reverie replies, an edge of shock to her voice. “Scrubs, or wetsuit? Which looks better on you…”

“I'd say it's equal in your case,” Chase says to Reverie.

Reverie nods. “I agree when it comes to you.”

Chase claps his hands together. “Okay! Now, I'm going to teach you the basics of surfing. The waves aren't too violent today, so that's good. Grab your board and we'll get started.”

She picks up the smaller of the two surfboards and groans with effort. “Jesus, I didn't realize they were so heavy.”

“They won't feel that way in the water,” Chase tells her as he walks closer and closer to the ocean. “C'mon now, we'll practice on land first.”

Chase places his board down on the sand, and Reverie follows suit. He applies wax to both of their boards, then attaches the leash to his ankle, and nods at Reverie to do the same. She imitates him, and then he lies on his front on the surfboard.

“Okay, so, when you start out, you'll be on your front,” he begins. “When you're ready to pop up, you'll be in a position like you're doing a push-up. Like this.”

He does what is essentially a push-up, and Reverie does the same.

“Alright, now as you push yourself up with your arms, put your foot back.”

While he does so effortlessly, Reverie does so with a bit of a balance issue. Chase smiles at her effort.

“Not bad. Okay, now push forward with the foot you've still got forward, and keep your knees bent a little, then put out your arms to balance.”

Once more, Chase's form is perfect, and Reverie's leaves a lot to be desired, but she stands in position decently in the end.

“Nice!” He encourages her. “Let’s practice on land a little more. Get back in your push-up position, and we'll do this again so you're confident enough to try it in the water.”

The two practice the pop up for a good 45 minutes until Reverie has managed to do it very well for a beginner. Chase praises her with each attempt, which makes her heart flutter.

“I think I'm ready to go in the water,” Reverie says, though inside, she isn't really sure that she's truly ready.

“Great!” Chase exclaims, giving her a truly happy smile. “Follow me.”

After following him to the shore, where the waves lap at her feet, Reverie’s pulse speeds up. She watches as Chase wades so far into the water that he's nearly forced to tread water, then pushes himself up onto the surfboard and lies prone.

“Do like this, Rev!” He shouts, just floating there on his board. “It's easy!”

Reverie inhales sharply and begins to walk into the water, shivering initially at the temperature. Once she reaches a certain depth, she clambers ungracefully onto the surfboard and flops front-first on it, letting out a string of curses that is nearly unintelligible.

“Good!” Chase calls to her. “Now use your arms and feet to paddle up to me!”

Clearly not as strong as her better half, Reverie is easily tired by making her way up to Chase, in the deeper parts of the water. Small waves push forward, but not enough to knock either of them astray.

“Now we wait,” he says. “You want to watch for a smaller wave, but one big enough to actually surf on. I won't make you try something extreme on your first attempt.”

Reverie internally thanks a God she doesn't believe in, and waits for a wave with Chase. After a good five minutes, Chase points out a decent sized wave for a beginner like Reverie.

“Here's one! Okay, we'll paddle up. Once the wave lifts you a bit, remember your pop up? Do that, and keep your arms out to stay balanced, right? Then let the wave carry you! You ready?”

She sighs hard, then nods. “As I'll ever be!”

The pair head towards the wave, and as it begins to lift up her board, Reverie pops up almost simultaneously as Chase, but once more, not nearly as gracefully. Chase glides effortlessly along the wave, maintaining beautiful balance. Reverie keeps her balance for just a moment, enough that puts a smile on her face and the thought of “I'm doing it!” Until the wave becomes too much for her and she loses balance, crashing off the board and into the water.

She screams curses after popping back up and climbing back on the board, wanting to punch the damn thing. Chase's board skates down into the calm waters, and he lies back down on it.

“That was so good!” He yells his praise at Reverie. “For your first wave, you kicked ass, Rev!”

Spitting salt water out and cursing the board, she rolls her eyes. “Yeah, right! That was dogshit and you know it!”

He's paddled up to her by this point. “Hey, Rev, no it wasn't. It's only your first wave, don't get discouraged! Stay positive, okay?”

She's essentially pouting by this point. “I guess.”

“Look, here's another one! Come on, let's try again!” Chase calls, beginning to paddle up to the next wave.

“Here we go again,” Reverie groans, following him up to the turbulent water.

Once more, Chase performs perfectly, and Reverie does slightly better than before, but still crashes and burns, swearing so loudly that even those away from this distant stretch of ocean could probably hear it.

“That was better!” Chase calls. “Nice job!”

Reverie rolls her eyes. “I guess. I think I'm done surfing, luv. Failing over and over isn't fun.”

Chase tilts his head and cups her jaw. “That's not failing over and over, you're just learning. And your balance is really good for a beginner, I swear. Try it once more for me, okay? And if you still don't want to continue, we'll beachcomb, alright?”

She nods. “Yeah. Sounds fine.”

“Good.” He begins paddling back out to sea, and Reverie follows him.

The next wave, smaller than the last, comes up. Chase nods at Reverie to follow him, and she does. With every fiber of her being, Reverie fills with determination, and pops up very well, and maintains balance almost perfectly in comparison to her previous attempts. A goofy, joyful smile spreads on her face, and she rides the wave not too far from Chase.

Though, she thinks of victory too soon, as her legs falter and she falls into the water again. But this time, when she resurfaces, she is not angry– just exhausted.

“Oh my God!” Chase yells to her, “That was so great, Rev! You’re really getting it!”

She sighs and slumps over her board. “Yeah, I did good that time, but I still want to stop. At least for now. Can we just beachcomb for a bit?”

Chase laughs and claps a hand on her shoulder. “Of course, let’s go put up the boards.”

Back on the shore, Reverie places her board in the sand, rips off her ankle leash, and flops down on the ground, sighing in exhaustion.

“I know you think you failed a lot,” Chase says, “but you did excellent, especially for your first time.”

“Mhm,” she mutters. “I dunno how you do this, it’s so tiring.”

Chase leans down to meet her. “I know, Rev, but you did so well.”

She tilts her head. “Really? Or are you just saying that because I’m your girlfriend?”

Giving her a quick kiss, tasting salt and sand on her lips, Chase smiles and says, “Really.”

Reverie blushes. “Thank you. Can we go look for shells now?”

Chase extends a hand and helps Reverie up. “Yeah, let’s go look for shells.”

[a-pretty-nerd]

Tomura Shigaraki x AllMight!Daughter!Reader

Chapter 9

Premis:

When The League of Villains discovers that AllMight has a daughter, they are quick to snatch you up and hold you hostage. Shigaraki had a careful and thought out plan, but that was before you got there. Now you’re in the mood for some not-so-healthy rebellion.

Word count: 2,756

Warnings: Cursing

A/N:

Oh dear lord I'm slow at getting these out. Life's been kickin' my ass lately. But thank you to everyone who's been giving me feedback on my stuff, I really love to hear from you guys!

Taglist: 

(So sorry, I forgot when I originally posted!) 

@craftybean13 @babayaga67 @imjustverable

@bat-eclecticwolfbouquet-love

@kamenoyaki @hentaiqween101 @skzero-99 @justanotherlifeff

@witch-o-memes​

Chapter 8 Chapter 10

Two months. You've been "missing" for two months now. The days flew by, your time occupied by quirk training Shigaraki insisted on but never told you why. The times you tried to ask he'd brush it off, or say something like:

"So you don’t throw another fit." His words were harsh but he said them with a flat and bored tone. Like it was a poorly acted line.

So now you had better control. You could move things on command, you knew basic combat, you certainly knew how to kick Dabi's ass by now, that didn't take too long. You were being allowed more and more freedom. Even allowed to leave for a convenience store runs with Toga once or twice. No one policed you, told you what you could and could not do anymore. You could have easily ran away by now. You supposed they really didn't need you either. For their plan to work all they would need was some blood and Toga could easily pass as you.

That idea sent a shiver down your spine. You're sure Shigaraki has thought of that already, so why hadn't he? Why was he training you? Would he use your quirk against the heroes in some way? Was he grooming you to turn and fight your father? You wouldn't. No matter what you wouldn't fight your father. Would you? You shook yourself of this thought as you walked down the ally to the back door of the hide out.

Toga unlocked the door and you stepped in, greeted by a dark and dingy back room. You made your way through the dark halls, following closely behind her as she led you up the stairs that finally led to the parts of the building with power. Soon you found yourself walking to the familiar living space where a few people rested. Dabi laid himself out on one of the couches, Spinner sat fiddling with his burner phone, and Twice had started yelling at the TV before you arrived.

"Luuuunch!" Toga shouted. Toga was often used as the errand girl, she brought back necessary supplies, oftentimes food. Today Toga asked you to tag along and help out, and there wasn't a single objection to the hostage going out on the town. You sat the heavy bags down on the coffee table, taking out the contents as you spoke.

"Where are the others?" You asked.

"Mr. Compress was sent on an errand of his own. And Shigaraki's probably pouting in his room. He'll come out when he's hungry." Dabi groaned as he took his meal from your hand.

"Oh. I'll just bring it to him." You said, absent-minded. All eyes turned to you, looking confused and shocked. "What?" You asked.

"Nothing! It's just-"

"He doesn't like to be disturbed." Toga and Twice spoke. You paused and looked at the box in your hand. It would get cold if he didn't eat soon, and besides, none of you had had much to eat lately, you were sure he was hungry. You knew you were.

"I'll just leave it at the door and knock. It'll get cold and then he'll be in an even worse mood." You told them. They watched you turn and walk up the stairs to his "room". You stood in front of the door, with such thin walls you could hear furious typing on the other side. Loud clicking of a mouse, and the sound of a computer's fan. You took a deep breath and softly knocked on the door. Suddenly the sounds abruptly stopped, followed by a bark.

"What!?"

"Foods here." You called back. You heard footsteps on the other side growing louder and louder until the door flew open. You stared up at the tall man as he looked down on you. His hair hung over his face, his eyes hardly visible. Your heart rate quickened the longer you looked at him. What the hell is wrong with you?

"Give it to me." He held out his hand, his pinky holding out in preparation to receive the box.

"You said you liked spice stuff, right?" You asked as you placed it in his hand.

"Yeah."

"We got you their spicy special. I hope it's not too much. The sign said 'caution' on it." He scoffed at you, turning the box and looking at the writing on it. He fell very quiet. Inspecting the box, you suddenly worried that something was wrong with it. That maybe you'd messed up somehow. But before your anxiety could reach its peak-

"Thank you." His voice was low and soft. You could hardly hear him. Then before you could respond he closed the door and left you alone again. Did he really say that? You never heard him say that to anyone. Granted, you hardly knew him but still, the way he said it, it made you feel... special in some way. You shook yourself from your train of thought and shuffled down the hallway, pausing when you heard movement and the door to Shigaraki's room open. You froze.

"Wait a minute." He barked. You turned too look at him. He hung out of the doorway to stare at you.

"W-What?" You asked. Shigaraki had a way of making people feel like they were in trouble. His ability to easily become an authority figure was something you were beginning to understand now.

"You...went out?" You nodded. He paused and looked away, his eyes shifting as the gears spun in his head. He turned back into his room as he spoke, "come here for a second." He asked. You slowly made your way to his room, the door left wide for you to peak inside. A dark room lit by portable light fixtures and a laptop computer which sat on an old desk. A cot thrown to the corner covered by the same old and tattered blankets the rest of you had.

"Am I... in trouble?" You croaked.

"What? No. Close the door behind you, you'll let in a draft." He ordered, seeming genuinely confused by your question. You closed the door behind you, leaving you completely alone with him in his space. Your heart raced.

You watched him turn and look up at the wall which he had decorated with plans. Pictures of heroes and villains cut out and pinned. Newspaper clippings, printed out articles and research essays. He was planning something, but what it was was difficult to determine. You did notice however, a cut out of an empty figure with your name on it pinned to the center of it all. You stared at it for a second before he broke you from your train of thought.

"Well?"

"Huh!?"

"What do you think?" He asked. His attention turned to his meal, he picked at it, taking a few bites.

"Of what?"

"...the plan." You looked back at the wall, puzzled you tried your best to gain any sort of information from it. Only being able to find bits and pieces. You knew it involved you, your father, and the take down of hero society. A cut out piece of article said something about the rise of villains, that more and more people were turning to villain work. How those rates have a correlation with classes. You slowly turned back to look at him.

"I'm sorry you're gonna have to explain this to me." You told him. He rolled his eyes and stood, directing his attention to his work as he spoke.

"This is the second part of the plan."

"What was the first?"

"Taking you as a hostage."

"Right. But, didn't you say the plan was to expose the heroes after they weren't able to rescue me and not only expose the faulty heroes but also my father as a neglectful and flawed individual not worthy of the hero title?" He paused.

"Yes."

"But that didn't go as planned."

"....."

"Didn't you say something about making a video to broadcast outing myself as All Might's daughter and causing panic? What happened to that plan?"

"It became leverage. If they attempt to come for you, then we'll go with that. But if we do that now, they'll come for you now and we'll be forced to fight."

"Isn't a fight...a good thing? You'd get news coverage and You'd no doubt gain supporters."

"Normally it would. But a fight isn't what we need right now. The heroes have us surrounded. If we make any move at all, we're in their hands. We won't be able to win."

"Not even with your quirk? Couldn't you-"

"Not with everyone here. As strong as I've gotten, I'm not strong enough to keep them from getting swept up and dusted too."

"Right."

"We're in a tight spot. One wrong move and we'll be wiped out."

"What about your supporters? Couldn't you get help from the outside."

"I could, but the heroes would see it coming. They have our signal tapped. Any sort of communication has to be verbal or written."

"Homing pigeon?" You offered. It made him smirk.

"Right now we're like a fox trapped in its own hole by hunters."

"So... we dig?" That made him smile, wide.

"Dig. If we could smuggle ourselves out of the city, we could reach a clear spot where we can call for backup to get us."

"Why not send one person to smuggle themselves out? Toga could easily disguise herself and leave."

"They have a barrier."

"What?"

"Part of the city is closed off until further notice. They know exactly where we are. If one gets out, they won't hesitate to come for all of us. We all have to get out at once and they can't notice until it's too late."

"But how the hell are you gonna do that?" His smile widened. He looked truly excited and happy. For the first time you saw your capture seem truly excited about something.

"We have a few secret recruits in the city. Spies." He turned his attention back to his meal box, reaching in to pull out the inner box that held the food, to reveal a piece of paper sitting underneath in the flimsy take out box. "I didn't know they were letting you out of the base now." He spoke as he opened and read the note within the box.

"I thought, you knew. I thought you were the one that said I could. Dabi said it was fine." He read the note and stood to pin it up on the wall before speaking.

"I've been too busy with this to worry about you. You shouldn't believe everything that Dabi says. I told him to make sure you just don't have another episode and cause a scene before we leave. I thought assigning him babysitting duty would keep him busy." He chuckled. "There's just one thing I don't understand." He turned back to you. "Why didn't you leave?"

"I...I..."

"You had the opportunity, but you're still here. Why?" You froze. Why? Why didn't you run?

"I was scared I'd be killed." You lied. He laughed at you.

"Don't lie to me. You lost that fear a long time ago. You know that's not true. If I wanted you dead I would have killed you a long time ago."

"You've kept me alive to use me as bate. To, to expose the truth." You argued.

"With Toga, we wouldn't need to." You swallowed hard. You knew he had thought about this.

"I'll tell you why I stayed, if you tell me why you've been training me." He scoffed.

"To keep you busy, to keep you from having another episode."

"That doesn't make sense. You could have drugged me, killed me, you said it yourself. But you kept me alive, you kept me busy. You could have kept me on my meds, unable to use it at all but you insisted I learn my quirk. You trained me yourself. Why?" His smile faded and his expression became dark.

"I asked you first." He growled. You looked away from him and thought for a moment before gaining the strength to answer. You knew the truth for a while now. You never wanted to say it out loud. You refused to look at him as you spoke.

"I don't wanna go back. But you probably already knew that by now. You just wanted to hear me say it, huh?" His smirk returned.

"Had a hunch." He snickered.

"Now you answer me."

"Why don't you wanna go back?"

"We had a deal. Answer my question now." You barked at him. It took him a long pause. A full minute of waiting in silence felt like agony.

"I thought it would help you feel better." He muttered in a surprisingly husky tone. "Keep you from asking me to dust you again." That's right, during your episode...

"I'm sorry." You blurted.

"What?"

"I'm sorry I... I asked you to kill me." You hid your face from him. He shifted and crossed his arms across his chest.

"It's not a big deal, I dust people all the time."

"No, I know. But like, I can't imagine being asked to by someone having a fucking break down happens all the time too. I kinda...kinda put you in a shitty position." When you looked up, he looked confused. Comically so. "What?"

"I took you hostage." He reminded you. You couldn't help but chuckle, that made him more confused.

"Shit, yeah, you're right. Guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself huh?" He looked away. "Still. My intentions weren't to upset you."

"You didn't upset me."

"It seems like I upset you." You toyed. His guard was down, he was vulnerable, and allowing you to be there.

"Shut up. You didn't answer my other question!" He shouted in an almost playful tone. You couldn't help but smile, only to have it slowly fade as you thought about your second answer.

"I don't want to go back because..." you stopped, the words getting stuck in your throat. You were unable to speak. He looked down at you, waiting for an answer. He seemed almost relaxed. He seemed normal. Like a normal guy leaning against the wall of his bedroom with his arms folded across his chest. Your eyes wandered up to his scarred neck, bright red scabs forming. Inflamed and fresh. He had recently scratched at it again, clearly in an upset state too. When he blinked you got a clear view of the scarring around his eyes.

"Boss!" A familiar voice shouted from outside the door. "Boss!" Before you could move the door was thrown open, Spinner's wide eyes finding you standing there. He shook his confusion loose before turning back to Shigaraki who quickly changed his position to attention. "Come quick!"

You followed him back to the living space where the old television sat. The news playing loudly as everyone gathered around to watch in panic. Swat teams and heroes decorated the screen as shot after shot showed them surrounding your building. Fear ran from your toes to your head, making you feel nauseous and dizzy. Shit. Shit. Shit. They're here for you. But you...you weren't ready to leave. And what about-

"Not again! - We can take 'em'!" Twice shouted at it like a sport was playing.

"Tomura, what are we going to do!?" Toga asked, frantically bobbing up and down in panic. He watched the TV intently listening in.

"After receiving a tip from an anonymous source, police and heroes found missing tourist Y/L/N Y/N being held captive by The League of Villains in this abandoned office building. Officials are working now to safely rescue the hostage."

Suddenly a loud voice was heard both on TV and through the halls of the building.

"League of Villains. We have you surrounded. Please let Y/L/N go and no one will be hurt." A cop shouted through a megaphone.

"C'mon Shigaraki, what's the plan?" Dabi asked, clearly starting to get uncomfortable. Before Shigaraki could respond, you spoke.

"Well, looks like this is it for me." You began walking away, only to be stopped by a strong, four-fingered grip pulling you back.

"Where do you think you're going!?" He growled.

"The jig is up, Shigaraki! Let me go! I'm not useful anymore. All they want is me, if I'm out of your hair you'll be able to escape easier." His grip tightened, pulling you closer as his red eyes bore into yours.

"So long as you're here they won't dare make a move. You're still my most valuable player. You're staying right here."

[rogue-barnes-16]

SECRETS (part II/IV)

Summary: Detectives James Barnes and Y/n Y/l/n never really got along, despite being partners for seven months. You could say they hated each other, however, when James' past shows up threatening to break him all over again, the truth about their feelings comes to the surface.

Pairing: cop!Bucky Barnes x cop!Reader

Genre: angsty

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @sinviix @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack

Warnings: abusive ex-partner, mentions of toxic relationship, hungover, scars

A/N: I'm back from my brief hiatus(?) yayy! I'm still feeling super insecure about my writing so if you see something I'm doing wrong or something that I should improve, tell me. Tomorrow I'll post the next part of The Protege, but now enjoy <3.

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist (you can find part I there)

The moment my eyes fluttered open, my hands gripped the sheets I had gotten tangled with, trying to suppress a loud groan the would have just made my head pound harder.

I stirred and turned my head to the man lying besides me as a proof of the bizarre events that my mind remembered from the night before.

This time I was unable to hold back a now regretful groan, which ended up shaking him awake.

"what the- Fuck" he sat up, pressing the heels of his hands against his shut eyes. "fuck fuck fuck fuck"

I shifted my position in a way that I had a perfect view of his bare back.

And that view made my heart clench, because it made me remember what I wanted to talk about without him in first place.

It also proved me that, sadly, there was no way in hell that I was wrong. The patterns of the scars were signs of domestic violence without a doubt.

"Barnes" I called him, not daring to move. "we still have to talk." my voice sounded demanding, but still tender and quiet.

"what 'bout?" his eased voice almost made me doubt my gut feeling, because after all, those scars could be something else.

But then he put his shirt faster than normal, and before even putting on his underwear.

"Dot." his shoulders tensed for a moment, but he did his best to hide it from me. "what happened between the two of you?" I didn't want to ask it directly, so I decided to take the long way.

"c'mon Y/l/n" he let out a humorless laugh, getting up to put on his underwear and pants. "You're the smartest detective I've ever worked with" I managed to hide my surprise at the compliment and I sat up on the bed. "do you really need to fuckin' ask?"

"yeah" he glared at me, leaning over the bed to grab his jacket. "Barnes for fucks sake" I let out a groan, falling back on the bed after I had seen him get out of my apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

I got in the precinct an hour or so before my shift actually started, but, honestly, I couldn't care less.

I made a bee line to my desk, not bothering on greeting my colleagues "Hey man, are you okay?" Wilson asked, probably noticing how bad I looked like due to the hungover.

"always" I curtly replied, grabbing the manila folders Y/n had been working on, and displaying it in front of me.

"Bucky?" I didn't even need to spare a glance at Steve to see his worried gaze. "what are you doing here? You don't-"

"got a problem" I muttered low enough for only us to hear it. "I- Y/n and I-"

"Please don't tell me that-"

"yeah" I replied before he finished his question. "we were drunk and-"

"Oh c'mon man" Steve sighed and I let myself fall on the chair while he kept pacing besides me. "with her out of everyone? You had to fuck your co-worker, who you've been pinning over for the last four months?"

"Listen, jerk that's not the important thing right here" I hissed, leaning over the desk to be closer to him. "she knows."

"she knew the moment that Dot showed up" he replied, sitting over my desk. "why does it matter anymore though? The trials start in a week."

"I didn't want her to know" I confessed, running my hands over my short hair. "not now, not like this."

"well there's no going back, pal" Steve said with a sad note on his voice. "you gotta- oh, there she goes" squeezing my shoulder, he got up and walked to his own desk. "Mornin' Y/l/n. Isn't it a bit early?"

"I have work to do" she replied emotionless, looking for the folders on her desk. When she didn't find them, she silently walked to stand besides me and, leaning over my desk, she started to grab the folders.

"I won't tell anyone" she whispered in a tone much softer than I expected. "it's your place to do it so don't worry" with that, she came back to her desk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was midnight and Y/n and I hadn't spoken since our brief exchange of words in the morning. Now that we were the last ones left in the department, it was impossible for us not to chat with the other.

It was Y/n who started the conversation.

"Hey listen" she called in low voice, walking to my desk to sit besides me. "I'm sorry for pushing you. I just-" she sighed, scratching her arm distractedly. "I-I just wanted to be wrong, and then" pursing her lips, she spared me a nervous look. "I don't know"

I glanced at her for a moment and, after taking a deep breath, I spoke. "I fell for her when I was really young" I stated. "Hell, I fell hard" she peaked at me, leaving the pencil she was using over the papers. "she was so charming. We got married when I was twenty-six"

"That's..." she looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face. "that's nine years"

"not really" I scratched my neck, feeling Y/n's eyes on me. "we took lots of breaks" I tried focusing on the reports in front of me. "things went south during the last three years, though. We fought. A lot." I scoffed "I loved her so I always blamed myself-"

"Bucky" she cut me off in the most tender way possible. "we- you don't- we don't have to talk about it." before I could tell her that I wanted- no, that I needed to, she spoke again. "unless you want to."

I nodded. "one day I came home late. We argued and she... Uh... Slapped me." I shrugged, not daring to look at Y/n. "and I thought, she's worried, don't mind it." Y/n stayed quiet for me to tell her the rest of the story. "slaps turned into things being thrown at me, and then... Well, you already saw it."

"Your back." I nodded at her guess. "Bucky, those are some serious scars." I just shrugged, not knowing what to answer. "what the hell did she use?"

"what does it look like?"

"I didn't look at them enough to-" I started to unbutton my shirt to take it off. "you sure of what you're doing?" I nodded, leaving the shirt aside. "Okay uh" she stood up and hesitantly traced the scars with her fingers "those three ones gotta be from a belt."

"they are"

"well then she's strong as fuck" I let out a nervous chuckle while she inspected the rest of the scars. "this one... Did she stab you"

My nod was almost unnoticeable "That's the last one"

"I wanna believe that this burn here" her fingers ghosted over it. "isn't one of them." she sighed, grabbing my shirt and handing it to me.

I realized too late my hands were shaking too much for me to be able to button up my shirt. When she noticed this, she kneeled in front of me and did it for me.

"the last time we were together, she ended up stabbing me" her jaw clenched.

"I'm guessing she came here" she got up and came back to her chair. "because you brought a lawsuit against her?"

I nodded, clenching my fists a few times in an attempt to calm my nerves. "she showed up in my house yesterday. That's why I was in the bar."

READER'S P. O. V.

"what are you gonna do tonight?" That question didn't really need to be asked, but still, I did.

"I'll stay in the break room" he replied distracted. "tomorrow I'll figure something"

Without thinking twice, I casually suggested "come to my place"

He shot me a perplexed glance "and then what?" before I could even think about replying, he spoke again. "we fuck again?"

I couldn't help but snort with a note of bitterness in my laugh. "I'm trying to be nice, what the fuck was that?"

"not sure" he muttered absently, a frown forming between his eyebrows. "I'm sorry, I think I'm too tired"

I sighed "yeah, me too" I looked up at the clock and, taking a deep breath, I spoke again "we should go home"

"we?"

"yeah" I got up, not wanting to face him for some reason I could not pinpoint. "You're staying at my place remember?"

"Y/n" he called me "there's still a week left for the trials"

"I think" I grabbed my things and put on my jacket "that we're more than capable of standing each other for a week"

I heard him standing up and I finally turned around to face him again. "Y/n, you don't have to-"

"Oh shut up" I said cut him off, throwing him his jacket. "I bet if it was Steve, you wouldn't be so hesitant"

"of course I wouldn't" he admitted, letting out a chuckle. "he's my bestfriend"

"then- I dunno" I shrugged with a grin on my face while we made our way out. "pretend I'm Steve, but stop complaining"

"That's-" he snorted falling into step with me. "that's so fucking weird"

"why? 'cause we fucked?" there was a beat of silence, but when I looked at him, we both burst into fit laughs.

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

"yeah, because we fucked" I confirmed, looking ahead of us with a smile dancing on my lips. "Where's your place, by the way?"

"what the hell? you were there last night." she shook her head a couple of times with a grin pulling the corners of her mouth. "I guess you were too drunk."

"so were you"

"yeah, but I still know where's my place" she stated proudly.

"what the f- Y/n, that's because it's your place." a snort escaped her lips. "which way, genius?"

"This way, jerk" she placed a hand on my back to guide me and, despite the thick jacket, I could still feel it's warm.

It was in that moment that I realized her touch somehow soothed me, and I found myself wishing she didn't let go of me.

[ganymedesclock]

So I've been going through your meta and you mention how Lotor doesn't seem to like to kill or simila-esque things several times while defending him. But... Lotor has the highest kill count of any other Galra on screen we've seen (besides Zarkon).

So I’m racking my brain here trying to think of Lotor’s kill count and that’s what this post turned into. Feel free to check my work here- I’m going episode by episode. Gonna make a follow-up that’s more psychological.

s2e9: Acxa operates on Lotor’s orders, enters the weblum, splats a bunch of gut flora in the name of survival, IMO that’s not really a kill.

Acxa kill count: 0

Team Sincline kill count: 0

s3e1: it’s possible Lotor killed his first opponent in the ring, we see them fall down and not afterwards. That said, usually to-the-death combat is not how gladiator arenas work, so I would suspect not, especially when Lotor deliberately makes a point in this scene that he believes the empire is needlessly aggressive and this is one of the major talking points Throk brings up repeatedly as differentiating him from Lotor.

(Personally I’ve always found it odd people cite this as Lotor attempting to hold the moral high ground, because you have to remember the empire’s morals are not our morals. Lotor is attempting to appeal to the empire, in which case he’s stubbornly sticking to what the empire views as immoral behavior. He is not practically gaining anyone’s sympathy)

Either way, you can take that as a maybe-tally.

Lotor explicitly spares Throk here and faces no other entities.

Lotor kill count: 0~1

s3e2: Acxa leads operation on Puig, orders zero fatalities to which none of the other Generals respond negatively or show any disagreement with. We can thus assume even entities like the guy Narti knocked off the roof and the individual Acxa shot were not given life-threatening injuries.

Lotor himself does not attack during this and the ensuing battle against Voltron. He orders the Generals, mostly Zethrid, to direct attacks first a grazing shot on the Black Lion and then a direct barrage on the Altean castle. He also dispatches a large swarm of fighters, but, with the exception of Raht, and Shiro and Keith stealing fighters, we do not see living pilots in those fighters- they’re drone-piloted, and that swarm was killed by our heroes.

Lotor kill count: 0~1

Generals’ kill count: 0

Team Sincline overall kill count: 0~1

s3e3: Overwhelmingly, no additional fatalities, though this isn’t really a statement on Lotor as much as it is that he’s fighting the protagonists. That said, Lotor explicitly states intention to flush the Lions out for capture one by one, suggesting he doesn’t intend to shoot down the Lions as-is.

Late in the episode Acxa orders in two fleets to cover Lotor’s butt and they merrily leave them to their fate. This doesn’t strike me as a kill (if it is, you have Our Heroes to blame for being the entirely knowing and unapologetic murder weapon) but you could possibly fault it as Acxa specifically who makes the call, and Lotor / Zethrid / Ezor / Narti was aware of her actions and had no qualms with her setting those fleets up for a one-sided battle with Voltron without warning them.

 Team Sincline overall kill count: 0~1

s3e4: Mostly doesn’t focus on Lotor and company. Zethrid mentions previous attempts to dislodge the comet failed explosively and that wasn’t fun for “your pilots”. Again, something you can potentially fault them for but chances are better than 50-50 that aforementioned vague number of pilots were robots, not people.

I’d lean towards robots since Lotor in s3e1 talked up a great deal of the value of genuine loyalty in people, and in s4e5 this is emphasized in that the generals are clearly the type to re-evaluate if it isn’t worth staying and reacted that way to one time of Lotor killing a subordinate- which would suggest it’s highly unusual / Lotor generally doesn’t throw “his people” like lambs to the slaughter. (Hell, he even screened Voltron for general competence before throwing them at the rift, suggesting he didn’t even want to take that risk with his enemies)

Either way, Lotor wanted to retrieve the comet, not watch his ships splat like a bug wasting resources, so that’s not really a kill.

Lotor’s gamble pays off, though, Voltron emerges with the comet, Team Sincline makes a few precise shots, steals the comet, and ducks out.

Team Sincline overall kill count: 0~1

s3e5: At long last, some actual murder.

We don’t see Raht’s final moments after he’s drawn into the ship. It is operating at Lotor’s behest, but, it’s worth noting that Raht would have arrived on a ship full of very displeased half-galra and Zethrid was agitating for blowing him the fuck up earlier, so we have no idea who all was involved in the deed. It was pretty much a joint effort and at bare minimum, our likeliest parties would be Lotor and Zethrid as the ones that actively expressed Not Meaning Raht Well, with the others as accomplices/watching and not caring. 

By my estimate on Lotor’s personality, I’d imagine he’d leave the dirty work to Zethrid, but that wouldn’t exactly exonerate him since Zethrid would be operating either explicitly or implicitly with his full approving sanction.

Either way, someone on Team Sincline definitely murdered Raht once they captured him, rocketing us up to:

Team Sincline overall kill count: 1~2

s3e6: Lotor and company attack a base. Acxa shoots some drones, the two teams brawl it out (with both black paladins absent, for shame) Zethrid is itching to bump that maybe-one kill count to a maybe-two. Acxa rains on her parade, Narti takes out Throk with her nonlethal mind control powers.

The team appears to have set Throk up to take public humiliation instead, leaving him to the empire’s punishments, at which Lotor has pretty clearly no sympathy. Sorry, Throkykins, maybe you should’ve rethought your situation the last time you plotted a coup and then tried to murder him for political gain.

This doesn’t add anything to the kill count, ultimately.

Team Sincline overall kill count: 1~2

We won’t see Lotor and friends again until...

s4e1: This picks up on the tail end of a timeskip spanning a few months. That said, Keith confirms that hide nor hair of Lotor nor his generals have been seen in that time, and Haggar corroborates on Lotor’s end by chiding him for distancing himself from command and ignoring the coalition planets, not making overtures to maintain them. This nicely tells us that unless Haggar’s sent more spies after Lotor which he’s disposed of, in this time frame he hasn’t been in any situations that’d really open up opportunities for death.

Team Sincline overall kill count: 1~2

s4e3: The beginning of the end for poor Team Sincline. Lotor, while attempting to flee the attack of his parents, comes to the realization Narti is the bug, and, thought process / knowledge of the fact unclear, kills her where she stands and flees the scene, not discussing the matter with the other generals. 

Lotor kill count: 1~2

Team Sincline overall kill count: 2~3

s4e5: We resume with Team Sincline, not up to anything murderous but doing irresponsible things with rift gates. This fails, Acxa stuns him with a shot, he ejects Zethrid in full space suit and gets the hell out of Dodge. Very civil proceedings, all things considered.

Lotor kill count: 1~3

Generals kill count: 0~1

s4e6: I’m really not gonna count the drones and battleships destroyed during the chase. The drone fighters are, again, robots, and we’ve seen our heroes mulch them in the thousands so that really doesn’t qualify as murder, and in the case of the battleships, all Lotor does is skim the surface of a star running away from them. It’s on Zarkon if his leadership demands people copy his fugitive son’s radical stunts in ships that can’t hold up nearly as well.

End takeaway:

Lotor kill count: 1 confirmed [Narti], 2 potential [initial gladiator, unlikely | Raht, likely; if not directly, ordered another to kill him ]

Team Sincline kill count: 2 confirmed [Narti | Raht] 1 potential [gladiator, unlikely]

I’m not sure how this measures up to other empire’s kill count, but that gets into rather dicey business- we can get a fairly clean count with Lotor because Lotor doesn’t affiliate with, say, slave work camps e.g. the Olkarion Commander which would by their very nature (and how he’s shown to push the Olkari past the point of exhaustion) kill a lot of people but it’d be very difficult to get an accurate number on them since the writers aren’t going to show us bodies being loaded into mass graves. And a lot of the other antagonists’ kill counts aren’t high only by virtue of protagonist intervention- otherwise Prorok would have committed genocide at the Balmera by leaving its entire population stranded to die with it.

It’d be pretty hard for anyone to match Zarkon’s kill count though, given he’s had ten thousand years of violent destructive policies and just his explicit confirmed kills include at bare minimum a large majority of a spacefaring kingdom (Altea) which would potentially put him in the millions.