#gonna just. sedate myself tonight so I don't have a repeat of last night. and take it. one hour at a time now.

[imwritesometimes]

I am good at stuff. I'm good at cooking. It may not be michelin star restaurant level food but it's good. I'm good at baking. I'm good at taking care of my family. I'm good at some computer stuff. I'm good at taking care of my cats. I'm good at making ppl laugh. I'm good at helping ppl. I've written stuff ppl have enjoyed.

[gabbagepatch]

Anxiety Everywhere All at Once 3-8-2024

My body feels like a beehive, full of wasps that sting randomly and an incessant buzzing I can't shake no matter what. It's a special kind of uncomfortable, knowing nothing is wrong yet unable to get my body to believe me.

I've been to the ER twice and lost ten pounds in the last week and a half. Getting norovirus while dealing with intense health anxiety was not a good mix. I'm feeling much better than I was this time last week, but it kind of feels like one thing just replaced another.

I followed up the ER visits with my PCP, whom I adore, and he was absolutely perfect. He listened and took me seriously, and promised that he will investigate all explanations of these weird symptoms. I've been checking my blood pressure and heart rate whenever I start having symptoms, per doctor's orders. They've all been normal, which is a huge relief. The relief doesn't last very long though, and that's the frustrating thing. I've empirically proven that my body is working well time and time again and yet I feel awful and my mind is convinced something, anything must be wrong.

Not to mention the vestibular disorder symptoms, which are not improving and are still in both ears. I'm having more headaches and more ear pressure, I'm so frustrated.

This is a very rough season in my life, there is no escape from the stressors that brought on this anxiety--I must learn to cope. I'm trying, what is finally gonna stick? I took hydroxyzine to help my anxiety last night, instead I had a panic attack because it began to sedate me. I still have to call my PCP to adjust the dosage, haven't gotten to it today.

I've dealt with anxiety before, since middle school. I don't remember it feeling like this. I'm trying not to get all doom-and-gloom with myself but goddamn, can I just relax? Tonight I'm going to take a conservative amount of an edible and see if that's the thing that can finally quiet the buzzing. Or will I have another panic attack? I think it's worth a shot regardless. I'd do anything for a magic pill that could take this burden away.

That's what I've been praying for, begging God to take away whatever this is. I know I probably have Meniere's disease, I can handle that. I can seek accommodations, manage my symptoms, I can do it. I feel like I can't deal with this anxiety though, I just want to relax. To sit down and feel comfortable, so not have random pains in my chest throughout the day, to lay down at night and not have to talk myself down from a panic.

Of course, despite my venting I am "okay". I have loving family, a therapy appointment next week, a responsive provider who's dedicated to helping me manage whatever is going on. I'm okay. But I'm suffering, and I wish I wasn't.

I repeat my blessings every night, before bed. My financial stability, my support system, my opportunities, my food, my water, my lovely parents, my niece, my nephew, I am rich in blessings and I have to remind myself of that before I lay my head down. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

Hopefully soon my body will believe it ❤️‍🩹