#going to nz as a kid felt right and i've missed it ever since

[lupfull]

man it just really sucks knowing the land you're on and biome you're in doesn't line up with what you've known as home for decades without even being there

[ishouldreallybeelsewhere]

it's weird that the first Matariki i've ever done anything for is also going to be the last one living at home... i don't know as much about it as i should, because it's never really felt like my culture, even though it is... i need to get more in touch with Māori culture, and i guess more in touch with my place in it

it's always felt very distant, and my parents have always treated my and my brother's Māori heritage as a gateway to scholarships and things, which feels wrong... i just put myself down as nz/european on my uni application which my parents would probably be upset about if they knew...

we went to a few meetings with my iwi a few years ago, but my mum didn't know enough to contribute, and i guess thought they'd be more fun? i don't know... we only went to two meetings then stopped and, for the most part, that's been about it. any time i feel like exploring deeper into the culture, i just think about my parents telling me and my brother to apply for the iwi scholarship, as if we need it.

it's like... those scholarships aren't there just because, they're there to help Māori students who have been disadvantaged cuz of colonisation, not for middle class white kids to get a few grand to help with uni, and applying would be taking opportunities away from people who actually need them

but i don't feel right saying that either, because quantities and percentages don't matter, you can't be more or less Māori, you just are, and you might be a bunch of other things as well, but I feel less Māori because it's always been such a small part of my life, and because I am a middle class white kid...

it's complicated and i feel really conflicted about a lot of it... like i just say i'm english or a bit irish if anyone asks, and since my girlfriend is irish, i've got a direct link, and i'm learning the language (kinda) so it feels a lot closer, even though i'm in Aotearoa and i've literally never been to Ireland...

i guess it's also that, outside of friends from school, the most Te Reo I hear is from my mum, who can't pronounce shit, and everything she says feels so performative, like when she talks about saying a karakia kai for Matariki, she's like 'oh i'll just nick one from work, they've got tons' and it feels like she doesn't care about what the words translate to, or what they represent, just that it looks like she's participating

but then, at the same time, she is Māori, as much as I am, so it is her culture as much as it is mine, but it doesn't feel like it... at all... and i can't exactly talk to her about this, and i feel like a can't talk about it to anyone really, but when i was hanging out with my little cousins, who are the generation after me, they just talked about it so naturally, cuz their school has waiatas (māori songs) and one of them was talking about doing a haka for last year's Matariki celebration, and it's a new thing, a new amazing thing, where more Māori culture is becoming an every day thing, but i feel like i'm already too old, and i go to a stuffy grammar school, where the waiata are changed to be more suitable, removing a lot of the call outs and stuff (my irls know what i'm talking about), not to mention the other cultural problems my school has had...

and we got taught a bit of Te Reo back in primary school, but we were taught by our regular teacher, and Miss Hopkins was great, but she didn't know any more than the kids she was teaching... also we were learning Mandarin and i was already so far behind in that...

back to what this post really started as, we're not really doing anything for Matariki, like, we're not doing any traditional celebrations, we're having dinner... most likely an english roast for that matter

idk

i guess it'll change once i get to uni, probably... I would love to learn Te Reo but at the same time, i don't think i'll stay in this country much past uni so it feels like i'd never even get to speak it... then again, it's not like i'll be speaking much irish gaelic, even if i do end up in ireland...

i just really don't know