#going straight to Ace's grave to tell him that they have the same dad and isnt that SO COOL!

[embarasseddragon234]

*shaking the narrative*

hey hey heyheyheyheyhey

Hey.

HEY!

My insane theory about Luffy I had at like- the beginning of One Piece isn't TRUE, RIGHT??

we've SEEN his family now!

There is NO WAY he's some sort of Gold Roger clone!

I tossed that crazy theory aside AGES AGO! Before we even met Gaarp! Because there was no evidence cloning existed! I was only half serious about it to begin with!!

*Shakes the narrative harder*

YOU CAN'T JUST INTRODUCE CLONING THIS LATE AND EXPECT ME TO BE NORMAL ABOUT IT!

[dragonsarecats]

[ Previous anon ]

 I'M SORRY FOR WORDING IT LIKE THAT I played the Golden Deers, some of my favorite queer ship are with Deers and some of my favorite character are among the deers! My favorite deer ship is probably Leonie x Lysithea ( She litteraly say Leonie would make an incredible partner! Why do their support stop at B again?? ) and my otp is Hilda x Edelgard ( do not judge me I have REASONS ). And also, one of my favorite queer headcanon is trans aro-ace Claude! So I genuinely love the Deers as queers!

However, for me the deer and the diverse queer content around them is heavily a fandom thing. When I say the deer are "too straight for me", I meant it for the game directly. Like you have the Black Eagles where not only litteraly every characters is canon queer/has heavily subtext but has also its whole narrative drenched in queer metaphor! You have the Blue Lions where, while there's less "canon queer", you litteraly cannot say most of its members are straight with how heavy the subtext that's barely even subtext anymore is: there's 0 straight explanation for Felix crying more at Dimitri death than his wife, or him dying the same day as Sylvain because they can't live without each other.

But for the Deers... You have Hilda/Marianne and Claude/Lorenz as the most popular one but while their relationship are so fascinating, when you only look only at the game, they feel too platonic? Especially compared to a Dedue/Dimitri ( like a family in private. took up a post at his grave for the most of his days. BURIED BESIDE EACHOTHER ) or a Ferdinand/Hubert ( rare A+ support, with blushing, their own little surname, Ferdinand/Edelgard support changing just to mention Ferdinand drinking coffee ). Otherwise you have Leonie/Lysithea which stop at B. You have Raphael/Ignatz where they decided to just push the relationship to make their ending all about Ignatz with his sister.

Like really, the Deers manage to have less in game queer moment than the Church of Seiros, Rhea aside, of all things! We were so robbed! The rainbow house deserve better. I'm a lesbian and after all my playthrough Verdant Winds was my only route where I had to marry a man, all I wanted was a lavender wedding with Claude while I have a passionate romance with Leonie :(

To sum up: Lysithea and Leonie should kiss, Intelligent Systems are fucking cowards 

For the fandom I'll have to disagree, I think the Deers have a lot a queer content and it's amazing :] My only thing might be how Claude has become the first character you think of when talking about bi fe3h character which is kinda telling how wlw are dismissed in the general fandom, but its better than some people insisting he's totally straigh so eh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

( Also I big agree on Hilda support being gem, she's such a great character and one that's much more complex than given credit for!! )

Oh and I think I disagree with Deers being the more family found-esq ( saying that bc it's a great subject of I discussion and I want to hear more about your opinion on the matter )

The Lions is the family where they all stick together through thick and thin, following Dimitri to hell and back, but their relationship are complexe and not always healthy ( mostly at the beginning with like Dimitri & Felix or Ingrid & Sylvain ).

The Eagles are the found family where a lot of them bitch about each other at first but they end up with deep relationship where they take care for each other and stand together against the world, even sticking together during the time skip ( also because they kinda all killed each other dad ).

The Deers are for me more like an actual close group of friend: their life are not going to revolve around each other like it does with the other houses, but they won't hesitate to come for that 5 years reunion to see the other. It's kinda like you say they're so normal in a good way! They tease each other but they don't hate each other in the way of a Dimitri/Felix, a Caspar/Petra, a Ferdinand/Hubert ( except for Lorenz but like, it's Lorenz ). They won't kill the other dad, but they'll sure as hell support each other like Lorenz and Ignatz or Marianne and Raphael. They might not start a revolution together but they will listen to the other even when it’s total heresy ( Leonie & Claude, such an incredible support :’) ) and help the other to reach their goal… I do agree with you it’s linked to not knowing each other before, but on that, isn’t knowing each other before more of a Lion thing than not knowing being a Deer thing? I don’t know, the BE are kind of a middle ground.

( Sorry for my ramblings- It's so fun talking about the deers )

AA anon thank you for the long ask!! Okay I'm gonna take this point by point under the readmore!

"My favorite deer ship s probably Leonie x Lysithea ( She litteraly say Leonie would make an incredible partner! Why do their support stop at B again?? )"

INCREDIBLY fair and based of you, lol, I read Lysithea as gay and it's 100% because of the support conversations she has with Leonie and Hilda (which to me implies an ADORABLE crush--Lysithea seems to genuinely respect and admire Hilda which is not something you'd expect from like, a surface level reading of their characters).

I'm gonna admit my own bias here in terms of canon text endings--my favorite Lysithea ending is her paired ending with Lorenz. It really reads like a queer platonic relationship to me--I don't really get romantic vibes from either of them (gay as they are) towards each other, but the commitment and care they have for each other genuinely warms my heart. Especially the fact that like, Lorenz is SO determined to ensure Lysithea takes care of herself and the ending doesn't really imply that she dies young (only that her health is delicate/poor) in comparison to others, and she and her family get to live the quiet life they want. Of course, as an aro/ace disabled person, I think it probably hits differently for me than people who aren't just because of the fact that after the most recent time I saw their support chain/got their ending I teared up a bit (and also why I'm now adoring your trans-aro-ace Claude).

ANYWAYS, I agree IS are cowards and that's why Edelgard is the only Lord who can romance both male/female Byleth.

"For the fandom I'll have to disagree, I think the Deers have a lot a queer content and it's amazing :]"

I probably didn't word what I meant completely lol correctly-- it's not that the Deer don't have a lot of queer content, it's just that overall, they have less content in general made for them then the Black Eagles and Blue Lions.

I do ALSO love so much of the queer content made for the Deers! The Three Houses fandom is amazing.

"My only thing might be how Claude has become the first character you think of when talking about bi fe3h character which is kinda telling how wlw are dismissed in the general fandom, but its better than some people insisting he's totally straight so eh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

Okay, so I was kind of dancing around saying this to your last ask but you hit the nail on the head lol. I genuinely think the reason why the Deer might come across as less queer is because the "main ship" for them, so to speak, is the WLW pairing Hilda/Marianne.

Ironically when I think about bi fe3h characters my first thought is consistently Lindhardt?

"Oh and I think I disagree with Deers being the more family found-esq ( saying that bc it's a great subject of I discussion and I want to hear more about your opinion on the matter )

The Lions is the family where they all stick together through thick and thin, following Dimitri to hell and back, but their relationship are complexe and not always healthy ( mostly at the beginning with like Dimitri & Felix or Ingrid & Sylvain ).

The Eagles are the found family where a lot of them bitch about each other at first but they end up with deep relationship where they take care for each other and stand together against the world, even sticking together during the time skip ( also because they kinda all killed each other dad )."

Okay so I definitely agree with you that they're all found family, explicitly in the text lol. What I meant in my statement that they're the most found-family-esq is that you get to see the development of ALL their relationships and becoming that family together on screen.

The Lions (a mess, and I love them), are pretty heavily involved with each other at the beginning of the game. A lot of the intrigue with them is the fact that they all have backstory stuff going on with each other (save for Ashe, I think, but we kill his dad on screen so). Mercedes and Annette went to Sorcery School together, Felix/Sylvain/Dimitri/Ingrid are all childhood friends with intense complications, and the trauma and deliberate kindness that brought together Dimitri and Dedue makes me emotional.

Similarly to them, the Black Eagles all have a history with each other (save for Dorothea) as well. There's the insane and amazing devotion between Edelgard and Hubert, Lindhardt and Caspar's childhood friendship, the onesided rivalry going on between Ferdinand and Edelgard since they were kids and Hubert's judgement of Ferdinand for it. Petra and Bernadetta, technically don't have pre-established relationships with the others, but in ways that are deliberately intense. Petra is blatantly a political hostage in the Academy Era in a way that really informs her relationship with Edelgard and Hubert even before they get to know her. Additionally Bernadetta's isolation creates a kind of infamy between her and the other nobles.

The Golden Deer, on the other hand, don't really have as many intense bonds going in (and thus, in my opinion, makes it easier for Byleth to integrate amongst them as an eventual equal). There's the preestablished dynamic of Lorenz being suspicious of and wanting to best Claude, but it's a recently developed dynamic, as Claude only appeared a year ago. This would be a bigger personal issue if he was leading a house like the Blue Lions or the Black Eagles (noble heavy as they are), but it's barely an issue in the Deer and not just because of the commoners. Hilda, Lorenz, Lysithea, and Marianne are not close. In all his supports with the three of them, Lorenz is the one reaching out because of his belief that their time in the Academy should be used to form better and closer connections with other nobles. There is nothing to imply that there was any substance to their pre-existing relationships. The only two who have anything to their relationship before the game starts, are Raph and Iganatz, who haven't spoken in years, mostly due to guilt on Ignatz's behalf for what happened to Raphael's family.

So as a result, you get to see the bonds being formed and deepened with the Golden Deer from scrap. Obviously some development happens off screen during the time skip, but other than that the Deer's found family forms and develops completely on screen, which is why I think it's the most found family-esq of the three.

In fact, it's a huge part of Claude's story. It's something you don't really notice in his route, but it's really clear when you don't pick him. While Edelgard and Dimitri kind of can't function and literally can't without Byleth's support, Claude has probably the highest survivability rate when you don't choose him of any character save technically Marianne. He survives the Blue Lions route, the Black Eagles route (if you spare him), and is implied to have survived the Silver Snow route. When he doesn't have Byleth, he still survives, so not choosing him isn't as dramatic. But it's easy to see that without Byleth as a teacher, he doesn't open up enough to the Deer. Dimitri and Edelgard have assured loyalty from their houses (even Ferdie and Felix) becuase of these pre-established relationships and positions, but Claude has to earn it. That's why Hilda, despite being his vassal, is recruit-able so long as you don't choose Black Eagles (the only route where he can die). Without Byleth, although the Deer do grow close, they don't do it as quick or as closely as they do with the Professor. Claude is a character who's never been able to truly rely on others, even if they care about him, and being able to rely on Byleth allows him to open up and rely on the Deer and truly trust them. I mean, Claude's two most relied upon people in the Deer (as seen in 3Hopes when he goes against Dimitri) are Hilda and Lorenz. I don't think people talk enough about how insane it is that Claude trusts Hilda Goneril with his life, considering he's an Alymran prince.

That's also why I think the Deer are so good for Byleth. I don't think any of the other route's are bad for Byleth at all, but I think the deer provide something to Byleth that neither the Lions or the Eagles can bring to her: a single of equivalency. Byleth is only slightly older than her students in the Academy Era and is in fact younger than most of them in the War Era, and yet it's only really with the Deer that she feels like she's amongst peers (whether it be because of the commoner/noble ratio or that she's as much of a stranger to them as they are to each other.) I mean, Claude is literally the only character who doesn't call refer to her by her Profession.

Anyways, TLDR: I think they're the most found family because a huge part of the Golden Deer route is them getting to know and love each other from scratch, and being a found family is a much bigger thematic aspect for them then it is for the other two houses.

"However, for me the deer and the diverse queer content around them is heavily a fandom thing. When I say the deer are "too straight for me", I meant it for the game directly. Like you have the Black Eagles where not only litteraly every characters is canon queer/has heavily subtext but has also its whole narrative drenched in queer metaphor! You have the Blue Lions where, while there's less "canon queer", you litteraly cannot say most of its members are straight with how heavy the subtext that's barely even subtext anymore is: there's 0 straight explanation for Felix crying more at Dimitri death than his wife, or him dying the same day as Sylvain because they can't live without each other."

"But for the Deers… You have Hilda/Marianne and Claude/Lorenz as the most popular one but while their relationship are so fascinating, when you only look only at the game, they feel too platonic? Especially compared to a Dedue/Dimitri ( like a family in private. took up a post at his grave for the most of his days. BURIED BESIDE EACHOTHER ) or a Ferdinand/Hubert ( rare A+ support, with blushing, their own little surname, Ferdinand/Edelgard support changing just to mention Ferdinand drinking coffee ). Otherwise you have Leonie/Lysithea which stop at B. You have Raphael/Ignatz where they decided to just push the relationship to make their ending all about Ignatz with his sister."

Okay, so I definitely agree with you that those things are canon queer and subtext, and that it's a shame they don't push the Raphael/Ignatz stuff and focus on Ignatz and Raph's sister (which is admittedly adorable to me).

Again, I'm aro/ace, so for me, queerness doesn't necessarily require romance as a prerequisite? Which is why I like Lorenz and Lysithea's ending, lol.

Hilda/Marianne in no way reads platonic to me, so I really disagree with you there. Hilda treats Marianne completely differently to how she treats everyone else in game. Their support chain is focused on how Hilda, who manipulates her way out of doing anything she doesn't want to, chooses to consistently over and over again do things for Marianne that she can't, and refuses to let Marianne feel bad over it. She leverages this into Marianne buying her pastries and them having a lunch date together. Their A support consists of Marianne questioning their regular dynamic of doing this and Hilda reassuring that she enjoys it so much she'd feel odd if it changed. They compliment each other to the point where Hilda starts to get a little flustered, and Hilda's even able to poke fun a little at Marianne and get Marianne to poke fun at her back. Marianne laughs at Hilda, and Hilda textually thinks it's adorable and can't even get mad at it because it's so cute. Marianne seems so genuinely happy and herself (even in negative ways!) with Hilda, and can rely on her in a way that doesn't make her feel inadequate or a burden.

I can understand as being able to view Claude/Lorenz as platonic, especially since I will never diverge from my Claude/Byleth endings, but I think they can also still be read pretty textually clear and potentially romantic. Part of this is Lorenz, who just, is very clearly gay to me? But again, part of this is the fact that a huge part of the Lorenz/Claude dynamic is them being viewed textually as equals, which is something that will and can never happen with Edelgard/Dimitri and their rival characters. Their support chain is all about getting to know and respect each other as they grow to care for one another, and while it isn't explicitly as romantic as Marianne/Hilda, I think their paired ending really speaks a lot for itself, in that Claude trusts Lorenz to be Fodlan's face of diplomacy towards Almyra. He trusts Lorenz to help him achieve his dream in the most direct way possible, something I think you can absolutely compare to his relationship with Byleth in their S-Support. Additionally about their support chain, their A-support really is about affirming to the player how close they've become, how fond they are of each other, and how neither of them can imagine the future of Fodlan without the other one in it. While there isn't a lot of direct text between Claude/Lorenz, I think there is absolutely enough subtext that you could read them romantically, especially from Lorenz's POV. The hard thing with this game is that each character needs to be able to be paired with Byleth, so they can never be textually obviously/blatantly in love with another character save for Byleth until their paired ending, and I think that absolutely holds doubly true for Lord characters, which is why I think Claude/Lorenz relies more on subtext.

I do think it's a shame that Lysithea doesn't have any A supports with women in her own house. Leonie like you mentioned is an adorable one, and I think Lysithea has a huge crush on Hilda in the ones with her, and there is definite potential in the one she has with Marianne (which in my opinion is a kinder, more gentle version of her supports with Ignatz).

I also think there's a few other support chains where there is a queer romance blossoming, they just don't get the chance to have an ending. A big one for me, personally, that I think deserved more, is Ignatz and Lorenz. I also think Leonie and Marianne's support chain was very cute, and deserved an A.

This is kind of what I was saying when I answered your last ask, I think, wherein the Deer have queer romance, but because the don't have a big blow up mlm ship (Claude is more often shipped with Dimitri + a lot of people aren't as fond of Lorenz as I think they should be lol), they kind of get sidelined as their big queer ship is WLW. And unfortunately in most fandoms, wlw ships are rarely as popular or have as much pushing force.

And also, I think, that the deer are queer without having as much romance. Their romantic pairings are far less set in store then the other two houses, I think, and part of that is because a lot of their endings read really queer platonic to me. Plus, a lot of the heavy romance lifting in the explicit text for a lot of supports tends to happen in the A/A+ region, and a several of the wlw/mlm golden deer pairings only go to B, which I think is a shame and forces them to rely more on subtext.

Additionally, because they're not the revolutionary or chivalry aligned House, a lot of their endings aren't written as...dramatically? Like I adore Felix/Sylvain to death (I have a print of them hanging next to my Claude one lol), but their childhood promise is very much the product of living in Faergus, similarly to how Hubert and Ferdinand's relationship is defined by them living in the Empire. I think because the Alliance politics are far less dramatic (or are far more dramatic in a visibly different way) the subtext for Claude and Lorenz's Romeo/Juliet for politics thing doesn't come across as huge as two characters who promised to die with each other as kids and keep it (insane I love them).

That's why in my original post I talk about loving how normal the Deer are, and I think ultimately a part of that comes from their setting: the Alliance. In my first play through, I specifically chose having my loyalties lie (in the initial meeting with the Lords) with the Alliance, because to me, someone who had no real context for the game, the Alliance was the closest thing to a democracy from what little we'd hard of each nation. Politics informs almost every aspect of the Golden Deer; sure it's played for angst and importance in the other two routes (Duscur/Sylvain's Crest Complex/Felix's problem with the chivalry system for the Blue Lions--with the latter two never being things that are textually resolved in the Kingdom's government--and Enbarr/those who Slither in the Dark for the Black Eagles), but Claude actually has to balance what other lords want in the War phase, and it's his ability to be so good at politicking that enables the Alliance to consistently remain neutral in the war. So a lot of the subtext stuff comes to fruition through the realm of politics in a way it doesn't entirely through the other two, if that makes sense. It's a huge gesture of love that Claude can trust Lorenz with his dream.

"The Deers are for me more like an actual close group of friend: their life are not going to revolve around each other like it does with the other houses, but they won't hesitate to come for that 5 years reunion to see the other. It's kinda like you say they're so normal in a good way! They tease each other but they don't hate each other in the way of a Dimitri/Felix, a Caspar/Petra, a Ferdinand/Hubert ( except for Lorenz but like, it's Lorenz ). They won't kill the other dad, but they'll sure as hell support each other like Lorenz and Ignatz or Marianne and Raphael. They might not start a revolution together but they will listen to the other even when it’s total heresy ( Leonie & Claude, such an incredible support :’) ) and help the other to reach their goal… I do agree with you it’s linked to not knowing each other before, but on that, isn’t knowing each other before more of a Lion thing than not knowing being a Deer thing? I don’t know, the BE are kind of a middle ground."

I both agree and disagree with what you've said here!

I think it's true, that in any route where you don't choose Byleth, the Deer are textually viewed much more as just close friends rather then found family, whereas I think if you chose their route they end up much closer (as I said above). I think the Black Eagles and Blue Lions have their lives, by nature, revolve around each other since they're literally all Nobles and thus part of the governning system of this world (with the exception of Dorothea). I think the Golden Deer have to make it a much more deliberate choice, and I do think it's something they do after the War in any route (assuming the majority of them have been allowed to live) because that sort of thing just forms a life long bond between people that's hard to shake without deliberate effort I can't imagine any of them truly wanting to put in.

They are normal! None of them hate each other! They don't have that sort of intensity, but they do have a lot of complexity that lends itself very well to found family. I think a big part of that complexity lends itself to the lack of killing (although I don't really think any of their parents deserve to be killed whether they've alive or dead?). The fact that Lorenz's dad has Claude's uncle killed (which when combined with Hilda, again, being a fucking Goneril is INSANE my man's two best friends are people who have reason to kill him for BOTH SIDES OF HIS ANCESTRY) and thus gets Raph's parents killed is something truly heartbreaking, and yet I think it's because there's no violence amongst each other or against the previous generation that characters like Claude (has had violence perpetuated against him for his heritage), Marianne (has had implied violence perpetuated against her for her crest), and Lysithea (has had violence perpetuated against her to get her second crest) are able to feel safe amongst the Deer. Violence is an intense choice, but I think lack of violence should also be viewed as something deliberate and chosen, esp. in the world of Three Houses. I mean, throughout Verdant Wind Claude is constantly complaining about the perpetuation of violence caused by the War! He's someone who deliberately chooses direct harm reduction. Although, to in fact speak of violence, I think it's absolutely insane that Hilda "I refuse to die for my friends" Goneril will willingly die for Claude "DO NOT DIE FOR MY SAKE FLEE PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU RETREAT" von Riegan's sake.

I do think that the Golden Deer are the most similar to a modern queer friend group and thus would be the easiest to make a 1:1 comparison, but again the events of the game do kind of necessitate that they are found family because they go through a war together. Their group dynamics are probably the most influenced by Byleth (Dimitri and his relationships with others while "mad" of course, aside), and it's really hard to make generalizations about them because again, the fact that she is not there to facilitate these close bonds makes it a lot harder for them to be as close as they are before the war as they end up being, although even without Byleth I still think they're exceedingly close. But yes, I agree, they do not live in each other's pockets, which does not make them any less found family, but does, probably, make them healthier in modern context lol.

(As a side note about Byleth and the house leaders: I think what she visibly provides to Edelgard and Dimitri is a lot more obvious than what she provides to Claude. She helps the both of them in maintaining themselves and not loosing themselves to the burden of leadership and trauma. Claude, however, is a character who has been handling both of those things alone, and we are shown that he is capable of handling them alone without massive cracks appearing in Three Houses. Claude does not need Byleth to live, as the other two directly do. Byleth gives Claude someone consistent and trustworthy to rely on, which opens him up to being able to do it with the other members of his house far easier then he's able to otherwise.)

Anyways! I think the Golden Deer are very queer, just more subtextually so then the Black Eagles and Blue Lions. I personally view a lot of the straight endings, so to speak, as queerplatonic (again Lorenz/Lysithea and honestly Leonie/Ignatz). Romance is a pretty easy metric to view queer storytelling through, but I don't think I'd see Sylvain as any less of a queer character if he didn't have his paired ending with Felix because of how his story is written. In a similar way, I think characters like Ignatz (wanted to be a painter, but it's not what his family wants for him; yearns to be creative and is self conscious about people thinking it'll interfere in his duties and has to learn to accept himself and his true dreams) and Marianne (sees herself as a monster that other people won't accept if they knew the true her and what she's hiding) are also queer without needing to be in romances, which is why the fandom gets a lot out of them subtextually.

Acceptance, I think, can be viewed as a very queer theme, and I think it's a prominent one within the Deer.

[arrogantsonofabiscuit]

Arguing with their s/o and how do they sleep after the argument

A/n:- help me with the fic names someone 😓🥲.

Genre :- angst—> fluff, mentions of pet names! 

Feat:- Kuroo , Sakusa , Oikawa, Kita

Sakusa Kiyoomi:-

So basically you and him had gone on a date in a very neat and clean café according to you since you knew Kiyoomi’s germaphobe nature. And what was the best part was the fact that the café was in a secluded corner of the city so you thought why not right? Nothing could go wrong  ……..right?

Nuhuh honey. This is how the date went down in your diary!

So the weather seemed very pleasant it seemed like the clouds did not know rain okay? So why the hell did the clouds understand the concept of rain and now it was cloudy! Like why now? Couldn’t you rain later? But no the luck is rarely with you lol.

So now you sit on the cold chair in the café with soaking wet pants, you were cursing under your breath and could feel the cold air of the aircon hit your back. Great just great!

Sakusa approaches the quite corner of the café and watches your wet and dirtied form shivering under the cold weather.

He looked agitated and looked away and asked you to take a bath as soon as you guys leave the café.

As soon as you enter the doorway of your apartment still soaking wet and feeling very cold , you hear Sakusa mumble something . “Why did you forget your umbrella?”

“I did not know that it would rain, even the weather report did not mention about it whatsoever!”

He looks at you with a disgusted face which screamed “You are so dirty , go clean yourself”

You quickly rush to your bathroom and take a quick shower , Sakusa enters the bedroom and watches your dirty clothes lying on the ground which was your first mistake dear grave  mistake.

So now you are here sleeping in your huge bed with backs facing each other. Great y/n just great.

Its 2:11 am at night where you are at one edge of the bed looking at the ceiling and observing the various cracks it has. Am I the only one who does this and literally counts them ?      

He was on the other corner of the bed with his eyes wide open as he couldn’t sleep for a second Bruh if you are suffering just make up already! 

You quietly shift to his side of the bed and wrap your arm around his waist, this caused him to whip his head towards your direction but his gaze seemed soft on your features . The way you pouted and looked at him with* those * puppy dog eyes he melted right there. 

He gently wraps his arm around you and nuzzles his head on your neck . You rest your head on his chest and inhale the smell of fresh laundry and well him! 

You guys forgot about the argument you had about him calling you dirty and disgusting which made you angry at him as well as sad. Here you are in each others embrace and dose off quietly with soft snores filled in the room.      

Oikawa Tooru:- 

Okay so hear me out , this guy is a huge tease that’s the way he is. Yohoo.

Arguments with him generally were either he pouted or whined for your attention.

Then how come now that you guys have fought long ago still not talking to each other?

So the reason why you had the argument was because of the fact that you are short and you couldn’t reach the bookshelf to grab the reference book you  needed for studying.

“Tooru, would you please give me the book on the top shelf?”

“No ✨”this mf straight up said no

And you were like “huh”?

You were already having a rough day and this made you mad.

So  you asked a guy sitting near the window of the library, he simply nodded and handed you the book smiling .

Let me tell you Oiks is  a very territorial guy so he was more than pissed at you .

Now you are here in your shared apartment in the same bedroom on the same bed as him , but not facing each other.

You were pouty and so was he, but somehow you always made him feel the warmth he couldn’t get since he was always so busy with his volleyball , dealing with the fan girls , studying and what not, but at the end of the day you were the source of light to help him keep going.

And now finally he whines which causes you to jolt out of the fluffy bed. “What? Did you have a nightmare?” you ask with a concerned look on your face.

He then pats your shoulder and makes you fall on the bed with him and then he gently wraps his arm around your torso and nuzzles into your neck. You kiss the crown of his head and sleep as he hums on your neck which lulled you to sleep . The argument long forgotten.

Kita Shinsuke:-

This guy right here is the whole damn meal and I meant every single word here .

So argument with this whole damn meal guy is impossible right? Like how humanly possible it could be?

How can you argue with this daddy material I mean guy?

Anyways so the reason was that you are clumsy I mean who isn’t a klutz?

He told you to be careful since you were walking recklessly on the wet road because of the rain which had poured half and hour ago.

You legit slipped on the pavement since the water somehow caused you to lose your balance and you just fell which almost keyword almost exposed your underwear.

You apologised on the way home but he seemed to get angry since you did not listen to him.

You then told him that you don’t constantly liked been told what to do? Are you her dad? Kita-san ore no oto-san desuka?

That made him more angry , angry but with the most robotic face like how is it humanly possible ?

Anyways so here you are on your bed reading some stories whereas he was also on the bed but not facing you whatsoever.

It continued till midnight, and you couldn’t get a blink of sleep.

So you quickly glanced at your bicolored haired boyfriend , who seemed to be stiff on his side of bed.

You placed your head on his firm chest and saw him immediately melting in your soft touches.

A warm smile crept on his face as you mumbled apologies against his chest. He apologised too for being too demanding on you.

The room was filled with small snores and  legs tangled with each other under those fluffy blankets.

Kuroo Tetsurou:-

Sir your hand in marriage please.🤲

Neways we all know the great provocation king himself if a mfing tease just like our ol’ oiks

But do you know your limits?

Sometimes he does sometimes he does not.

So now you are upset with him since he made you feel inferior and dumb . That was not the only problem , he called you dumb right in front of his teammates! Way to go Kuroo!

Maths is always a difficult subject calculating shit or what not . You can clearly see the love I have for this subject lol.

The problem was not that difficult you only had to convert your answer to the required unit, which you couldn’t , so its not wrong asking the Smart guy right? The smart guy who is your boyfriend?! Right?

And now cue the song “hello darkness my old friend…” ahem~

You enter the cafeteria with the math book in your hand searching for your boyfriend, it was not difficult to spot him with his hair in all glory.

You nudge his shirt and he smiles and replies “What’s wrong?” you explain him that you can’t seem to get the right answer and its not making any sense.

He takes your book and reads the question. He simply chuckles and replies ”Obviously you can’t find the right answer because you forgot to convert it ! Kitten .” You write down the converted answer but still it did not seem to be right. “Kuroo, I still can’t get it right. Why is it so difficult?”

Yaku and Kai were worried since they knew you weren’t that great in math but they knew that your beloved is gonna tease you for your silly mistake.

He laughs and tells you” You have to divide it not multiply , dummy!”

You pout and hide your flush face since his few teammates laughed at your silly mistake .

So now here you are in your shared apartment doing your homework religiously and not even sparing a glance at your tall boyfriend.

Kuroo was worried because you weren’t looking at him at all nor were asking him any doubts.

You heard Kuroo  click his tongue in irritation and he then leaves the room. You complete your homework and head to bed.

After midnight where both you couldn’t spear a single nap, turned to face each other and that’s when you saw kuroo looking at you with pleading eyes.

“I will forgive you only if you promise me that you won’t do it again and rather help me with it. Do you promise?”

“Yes kitten I do , also could I get some cuddles ? ” he asks sheepishly .

“You don’t need permission for that, here..”you open your arms and allow him to hug you tightly and nuzzle his head on your chest with legs tangled. (cute)

You aced the test!

Thanks for reading! Reblogs are highly appreciated <33

[fishoutofcamelot]

Hi there! I hope you’re well. I just wanted to send a message to thank you for the elyan content 😍 he is my favourite knight but for some reason I never see much of him on tumblr! So it’s awesome to see him on your blog. I hope I didn’t bother you with this ask 🙈

I AM doing well, actually! And you didn’t bother me, asks will probably never bother me <3

I could go on for a million years about why no one makes content about Elyan - and sometimes forget he exists altogether - but I don’t wanna start drama so we’ll just. Not touch that topic with a 10-foot pole

BUT! Elyan IS a fantastic knight, and the fact that he is your favourite knight too is very iconic and sexy of you. Elyan fans/stans are the sexiest members of this fandom. That’s not even opinion, that’s just science

So! Here’s a list of Elyan headcanons, because he’s worth it:

Elyan is ace. Them’s the facts

He’s also gay but in that stage where he’s questioning if he might be bi. Unfortunately, he died before reaching an answer

I hate to talk about Hogwarts Houses in 2020, but he is one hell of a Hufflepuff. Elyan is his name and protecting his loved ones with life and limb is his game. It is very easy to earn his loyalty, and once you have he will ride straight through Hell for you

Elyan likes hoods. He wears hoods whenever he can (i mean c’mon, that outfit in season 3 was serving some killer looks)

He’s just a protective older brother to literally everyone in Camelot. Yes, even Gaius

Gwen, Elyan, Leon, and Merlin have family game night once every month. They all gather in their old house in the lower town to get drunk, play some dice games, and spend the whole night goofing off

Only a few people know about game night. Even fewer people have seen it with their own eyes. Arthur and Gwaine frequently try to sneak in to see game night for themselves, but somehow never succeed

Elyan loves swimming. They don’t get many chances for it, but whenever they do, Elyan is the best swimmer out of all the knights

He’s also like. Really good at sneaking up on people. Consistently rolls high on stealth checks

Out of everyone in the Round Table, Elyan is the most easily spooked. He hates it when they gather around the fire to tell ghost stories, bc he will NOT be able to sleep the rest of the night after that

Why do people think there’s no dynamic or chemistry between Elyan and Gwaine??? Those two had a SOLID friendship and I will not stand for this disrespect (also, Perelyan is good but Elyaine is godtier imo)

Elyan is bad at blacksmithing. Like really bad. No one even understands how that works, considering he spent his whole childhood training under his father. All the blacksmithing talent apparently went to Gwen somehow

He likes bugs. When he was a kid he would go out in the woods and collect beetles and stuff to stick in little terrarium jars. He’d even give them names and backstories and personalities. Sometimes he would sit under a tree and tell Gwen stories about all these adventures his bugs would go on when no one was looking

Leon HATED bugs, and got creeped out by them, which meant Elyan was legally obligated to harass him about it

Elyan doesn’t get much chance to catch bugs anymore, but he’s also the only member of the Round Table who can put up with spiders

Spider in the armory? Everyone is freaking out while Elyan just calmly picks it up and lets it outside - but not without lots of snark and eye-rolling, of course

The reason Elyan ran away from home was because his mother had died and he saw it as a personal failing. He felt that it was his fault she was dead, because he couldn’t protect her, and left Camelot because he couldn’t bear the shame of guilt

In the last few years of his time away from Camelot, Elyan fell in love and lived out an mlm cottagecore fantasy where he and his lover raised wyverns together. But when Morgause came to capture him, she killed his lover and burnt their wyvern farm to the ground

Elyan tries not to let his grief be known, though. Not just because he doesn’t want to burden Gwen with his pain, but also because his lover had magic and he could get arrested for having fallen in love with a sorcerer

Morgause had Elyan captive for a while before Gwen showed up. She even used the nathair on him in small increments; not long enough to kill him or damage him irreparably, but enough to make him suffer. It’s for this reason that Elyan was able to bounce back from being tortured by Morgana whereas Gwaine didn’t survive it, because Morgause had already microdosed him with that kind of pain two years ealier

Still traumatizing, though. Like. This boy is EXTREMELY traumatized, can someone please get him some therapy???

Moving back to Camelot with Gwen was simultaneously healing and harming. Healing, because  he visited his dad’s grave, rebuilt his relationship with Gwen, and his companionship with her, Merlin, and Leon helped him move on from the pain of his loss. But harming because of all the anti-magic prejudice that surrounded him, and every time someone said magic was evil it was like another dagger in his heart. That was his dead lover they were talking about and calling a monster. Someone who was kind and compassionate and funny, who didn’t have a lick of evil in them, who would have burned at the stake by Camelot’s laws

Elyan didn’t think about what it meant to be a knight of Camelot when he agreed to be knighted. But he was just so determined to fight and kill Morgause, the woman who had killed his lover and his wyverns and abducted him from his home, that he didn’t even think about it. He just wanted Morgause dead. It wasn’t until a few days later when he realized that being a knight of Camelot meant enforcing Camelot’s anti-magic laws, and this realization naturally caused him distress

Instead of abandoning his knighthood, Elyan found a compromise. He would support Arthur in everything, until magic got involved. If Arthur ever captured druids or put sorcerers to death, Elyan decided he would smuggle them out of the city. He would never actively kill or capture those with magic, and would sometimes even try to sabotage efforts in capturing harmless magic-users

Elyan knew full well what Dragoon was doing. He knew that Gwen and Arthur’s love was true and required no enchantment, meaning Dragoon had simply framed himself to get Gwen out of a jam. He appreciates Dragoon, and even though he supposedly killed Uther, Elyan can’t even fault him for that. Elyan wanted to kill Uther too

Merlin is the little brother Elyan always wanted, and Elyan is the older brother Merlin never had. They act so much like siblings it’s not even funny, and some people question if they were actually raised together 

He and Merlin like to team up and tease Gwen. They’ll walk behind her and chant stuff like “Gwen and Arthur sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G”. They’re like children, and it’s both very funny and very annoying

Gwen gets her revenge, of course. She always gets her revenge

They also team up to be like. Super protective of Gwen. The vetting process Arthur had to go through - between Elyan, Leon, AND Merlin - in order to date Gwen was ridiculous

Arthur: Merlin I’m literally your boss. Your friend. You've been my personal manservant for like six years now

Merlin: Yeah, which means I know exactly how much of a dick you are

After being possessed by the druid ghost, Elyan is a lot more in tune with the supernatural

Am I suggesting that Elyan can now see, talk to, and interact with ghosts, and even starts a little agency where he goes around helping them complete their unfinished business? Why yes, yes I am

When Gwen was banished, Elyan wanted to go with her. But she asked him to stay behind and keep an eye on Agravaine, as she suspected him of treachery, and to stop him from taking over Camelot should Agravaine make a move. And, well, Elyan has never been able to say no to his sister

Elyan and Merlin decided to try and find a way to prove Gwen’s innocence. There’s no way she was acting of her own accord, after all. There was some kind of enchantment at play, there had to be. Merlin doesn’t tell him about Shade!Lancelot directly, but does propose it as a theory regarding how Lancelot had come back from the dead. Elyan supports the theory 100%

About two months after the wedding, Merlin and Elyan locate the enchanted bracelet, and Gwen and Lancelot’s names are finally cleared

In Avalon, Elyan, Freya, and Lancelot spend the whole time watching/narrating the events of season 5 like sports commentators. They are all mutually exasperated at Merlin’s antics

When Arthur shows up in Avalon, the only reason Elyan doesn’t punch him in the face is because he’s too busy restraining Lance from doing the same

He does, however, give him a strong talking-to about how “all your magic and you still can’t save my life” is a horrible thing to say actually

Lancelot, however, is more upset about the “I guess I was wrong” speech

Gwaine shows up in Avalon like. SUPER traumatized. He died while being tortured by a nathair, died in a way that he perceived to be failure, and he’s kinda messed up because of that. Elyan, who has already had a few years to cope with nathair torture, is the one who helps Gwaine heal from his trauma

In the 21st century, Elyan gets reincarnated along with everyone else. His childhood is plagued with weird dreams, dreams that terrify him. Snakes and pain, wyverns and fire, all of it. He meets an old man who calls himself Merlin, who helps Elyan through the pain of remembering his past life. For once, Elyan gets to be taken care of instead of the other way around. For once, he is allowed to be vulnerable and weak and struggling. He doesn’t hide his tears. He gets the help he needs and works through his trauma

And one day, many years later, he is walking down the street when he sees someone who looks oddly familiar. The face of an old lover, perhaps

Thanks for the ask! <3

[dwellordream]

You were talking about how when you age up characters, you have to change their actions and thought processes because a 15 year old and an 11 year old will be very different. Do you think there’s a way to keep the general form an actions of the plot the same but change the character’s motivation. For instance, if I was aging up the Starks, so Sansa was 14, would having Sansa go to cersei and explain their escape not because of an infatuation with Joffrey but out of politeness make sense? For instance, a socially conscious Sansa learning they’re leaving and not telling the royal family and thinking “this could be seen as a grave insult and when I tried telling my dad he wouldn’t listen” so she goes to Cersei and apologetically explains their departure. So, the events follow a similar course but the motivations are different?

So basically I don’t know how to answer this except to explain how I would deal with an aged up Sansa’s plotline in AGoT, so here goes: Let’s say we are aging up all the Stark kids by 3 years. The summer has been more like 13 years long instead of 10, canon is starting in 301 AC instead, whatever.  Robb and Jon are now about 17, turning 18 in several months, Sansa is 14, Arya is 12, Bran is 11, and Rickon is 6.  Assuming literally everything else happens as in canon, the royal party comes to Winterfell, Ned accepts the offer of Hand, wants to investigate Jon Arryn’s murder, Sansa’s betrothal to Joffrey, who is about 15, etc.  If we assume Joffrey’s behavior is more or less along the same lines; ie. he’s still an awful shit, but he’s very sweet and gallant towards Sansa, I think Sansa at 14 is probably still having a hardcore crush on him, but I think her excitement is more so just focused on the idea of being at court in general and the allure of being queen and getting to participate in all these courtly events, etc. Whether her relationship with the 12 year old Arya has improved or not from 3 years of maturity is anyone’s guess. I tend to think it is a little less emotional and overwrought, but they still argue constantly and Septa Mordane’s constant comparisons probably do not help matters. It’s just more ‘teenaged’ arguing and less over the top accusations, especially on Sansa’s part.  At 14, I do not think Sansa agrees to go riding off with Joffrey without chaperones. Catelyn has almost certainly given her some kind of sex ed and general etiquette talk, she has likely had her first period by now, and she is probably aware that A. it would be looked on suspiciously by many people if it gets out that she and her teenaged betrothed just disappeared into the woods, alone, for a few hours and B. Joffrey is old enough to know better than to suggest this in the first place, doesn’t he care for her reputation? So that might raise her suspicions a little about his character, just off the bat, even if she still wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. That alone might avert or at least massively change parts of the whole Trident incident and keep her relationship with Arya from further deteriorating.  Anyways skipping ahead to the very end of the court saga, I do not think a 14 year old Sansa goes to Cersei. I tend to think that Ned, viewing Sansa at 14 as being almost of the majority age and viewing her as less of an innocent little girl and more of a young lady, either tells Sansa straight out, similar to how he does Arya, what the deal is, or that Sansa realizes something is seriously wrong judging by his behavior, consults with Arya about it, or comes to her own conclusion, and even if she is still very upset, does not actually sneak out to beg Cersei to keep her at court.  If for whatever you are writing you absolutely need Sansa to be stuck at court, Cersei could certainly still find out through other means, such as Baelish finding out that Ned has booked passage on a ship for his daughters and what time it is leaving, etc. 

[truthisgoldenau]

IT'S PRIDE MONTH

for a moment there I accidentally had Pierce's photo under Marian's name oop

Time to officially confirm some AU canon LGBT stuff! Each character is their own pride flag but I'll add in other stuff that's canon in universe plus some bonus stuff at the bottom.

First up is Freddy Fazbear Jr! Gay all the way.

He's definitely the "move I'm gay" type

Was honestly super freaked out to tell his dad but went with the bold approach of bringing home his first boyfriend and blatantly announcing their relationship as such as a challenge and was honestly surprised his dad wasn't bothered by it

He was around 13 at the time and so the twins and Fred were still in touch with Maddie's parents and brother. All three were incredibly supportive (and still would be)

He absolutely had a crush on Bonnie Burnette even though he had never talked to him. Since the twins and Bonnie went to the same high school he knew of Bonnie, thought he was a dreamboat, but because Bonnie was somehow in with the popular kids (it was the money 100%) Freddy didn't even bother

Frankie Fazbear! My ace son! (The ears are wrong blame the app lol)

Honestly doesn't even know he's ace until much later

He's had crushes before but he's never been in a relationship (part of it is the attempt to communicate since he's mute sort of stops him)

He wasn't even sure it was worth mentioning to his dad so Fred never knew

This boy can hold so much love in his heart but he's not a very physical person that's all

Fred Fazbear Sr! YES. HE'S BI.

Only Maddie even knew he was bi. That he knew of. Some people probably figured it out with his over the top always on personality.

Fred was constantly sure that Pierce picked up on it particularly after the Christmas mistletoe fiasco but if Pierce gave a shit he never said anything.

Frankly it was amazing that more people didn't pick up on it. He was over the top about everything until a point.

While he didn't overreact to his son very blatantly announcing he had a boyfriend, he was very proud of him. It was a very Fazbear family way to come out. Even though he got so distant, he was always proud of his boys.

Bonnie Burnette! Also bi!

Being constantly surrounded by the popular crowd and always being the sort of stand out with purple hair and stupid purple bunny ears didn't do much to make Bonnie feel like he could even tell anyone he was bi.

Really the only reason he was even in the popular crowd was he was rich.

It made him less of a target for bullies at least cause the jocks wouldn't stand for anyone messing with him.

Knew Frankie from math class and honestly wished he could have talked to the quiet kid with bear ears as an alternative to the entirety of the popular group

Sort of in the background of the AU story very quietly develops a crush on Freddy and then thinks "oh God I like the troublemaker NO"

Chandler Cicily! Lesbian!

Would absolutely describe her sexuality as "girls"

She's starting to discover it during the AU (even if it's not a topic that comes up but that's why there's this post about stuff lmao).

She's the baby of the group since she's 16 when the story starts and relationships aren't important to her yet

But the crew still support her when later she's like "maybe I just wanna bake things for a cute girl and let her put flowers in my hair is that too much to ask" (Marian always chimes in with "mood")

Marian Mengele! An absolute bi icon!

Listen, her one goal in life may be to find her lost childhood friend, but that doesn't mean she's solely interested in this one Irish redhead

That said she's definitely only dated redheads

She's not afraid to be open about her orientation. It doesn't bother her. She's seen as weird already what can it hurt.

That said she falls for Finn so goddamn fast when she finds him that she questions herself and then is like "no wait I'm definitely not straight"

She's very upfront with Finn about it. There's no reason to hide this from him (or anyone) and if they're a thing she wants him to know.

Finn being the wonderful human being still loves her and it doesn't bother him. Why should it? He's just happy to be with someone who loves him.

Chetana might be Chandler's fake big sister but Marian is like fake mama when it comes to Chandler finally coming out.

God bless Finn for being the kind of person to sit and let Marian braid his hair with flowers because that's one of Marian's favorite things to do when her partner has longer hair and Finn's never really bothered with keeping his hair short THESE TWO ARE ICONIC I love them

Pierce Graves! A shitty pansexual icon

First off he absolutely knew that Fred wasn't 100% straight he had no idea how it wasn't immediately obvious to everyone

That said Pierce literally did not give a shit who knew about his sexuality

As shitty as his whole personality was he could turn on the charm easily

His parents definitely knew but he was already a punk ass rebellious teen at the time so they have him the "be careful, don't get anyone pregnant" talk and worried from afar. If it bothered them, Pierce never knew because they made sure that he could still count on them (even though at the time Pierce didn't really talk to them much about anything)

Fred absolutely knew though I mean they were good friends

He's not a romantic. He's never really had a meaningful relationship because he's not that type of person. To be honest, there's a piece of him that saw relationships that worked and wondered how that would feel but he knew that wasn't for him. He figured that out way early on when he asked his granddad why he didn't have a grandma and Mortimer Graves didn't sugarcoat the answer. "She wasn't happy with me. I gave her the choice. She could stay and be miserable with my lack of a decent personality even though I was already struggling to not be such an ass or she could go and find someone who actually made her happy. She chose happiness, and while it sucks that she drifted out of my life and your dad's, she's better off."

Pierce could frankly always tell that he was more like his granddad and as much as he sometimes wanted to know if he could even out up with a meaningful relationship, he avoided it. Better to not hurt anyone and wonder than to become the catalyst for someone else to overcome, right?

Fritz Smith! Gay!

The shy bumbling mechanic of the early 90s Freddy's ? Gay? It's more likely than you think

He was still far in the closet in the 90s He was young, living at home still because he had just gotten out of school, and while his parents weren't super conservative, he also didn't know how they'd take it

Found a friend in the day guard Mike Schmidt early on. Mike was looking for a roommate since his last one had moved out and Fritz jumped at the chance

They are like totally boyfriends by the time they cameo in the story though

Mike Schmidt! Another gay icon!

Mostly invited Fritz to live at his apartment because he felt bad that this poor shy mechanic was getting constantly harangued about the animatronics having problems

Was glad to let Fritz complain about it and even cry it was very stressful but Fritz needed the money

Mike liked him. It would be hard not to really. Fritz was a sweetheart.

Mike didn't ask him out till much later though he wasn't quite sure that Fritz was gay and didn't want to ruin their friendship.

Luckily it didn't and as it turns out they worked well in a relationship.

Fritz's parents had to take some time to get used to it when finally Fritz got the nerve to tell them but as soon as they did there was no end of support from them

Mike's parents were the opposite which was mainly why he already lived by himself but oh well he got a cute boyfriend and cool parents-in-law later it was kind of a win

Daniel Hartford-Dunn! Gay!

Presenting Maddie's older brother!

outside universe fact, he's loosely based in my actual cousin who lives in California with his husband.

He's 7 years older than Maddie was. Despite that, they were still close. Maddie's parents wanted more kids but struggled to get the two they had.

He's an accountant for a corporation and his boyfriend (and later his husband) is a pilot.

Last time he saw his nephews in person was at Maddie's funeral. He misses them terribly but over the years less and less contact came from his brother in law

Sometime in 2006 though he ends up getting a call from his nephews and there's this great reunion.

He's just. This chill older guy. Who loves his family. And doesn't care what people think.

Since I can't put anymore photos, here's the bonus content!

-as mentioned last night Dr. Phillip Guy is on the ace spectrum. I don't have anymore details about that at the moment unfortunately.

-Charlie Emily is a lesbian. The Emily twins were born in 1980. They haven't appeared in the AU yet even as cameos but they exist. Considering in AU canon the Emily family is alive and well in Hurricane, Utah without an Afton to be found, Charlie's dating her childhood friend Jessica at around the time the AU events are happening.

-Sammy Emily is trans and bi. Both Henry and his wife (who I know I at one point named but don't remember what it is anymore) love their two daughters to pieces.

That said I'll make a post at a later point introducing the Emily family because so far I've only officially given the design for Henry and not the rest.

In line with canon, Spring Bonnie/Springtrap can be counted as gay.

While Fred kept the shows at the diner pretty simple and straightforward, there was definitely this subtle underlying idea that Spring Bonnie and Fredbear were a content gay couple although if asked it was easy to present them as friends. At least, that was during '81-'82

However!

Fred also had Henry help him program in a special one time only song called Springtime for his and Maddie's anniversary in 1983, which was of course a love song. Fred always thought of that as being mostly for his wife, and partially as a turning point thematically for the two characters.

Henry was on board with this. They still kept it subtle, but there were clear moments where it was pretty much certain that the only way to interpret Spring Bonnie and Fredbear was as a couple. It was either so subtle that no one was bothered or Spring Bonnie's chosen voice was so ambiguously non-binary that no one thought it was odd.

Fred had plans for it to become more "canon" but never got to implement them since Spring Bonnie got damaged before he could.

Springtrap, being sentient and able to later interpret his emotions, is very confused about how he as a machine was meant to feel about this character he knew but the more sentient he becomes the more aware he is that he misses Fredbear and that he loved him. It's the cause of a lot of internal conflict for him. But he can be counted in the category of LGBT characters in the AU.

Happy pride month ya'll! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[migleefulmoments]

Oh my God. So now people in Hollywood are threatening Darren and Chris's families if they don't comply? Tinhats are saying they wouldn't be surprised if someone died in a freak accident to put Darren and Chris in line. How long before they bring up Chris's mom and start getting suspicious?

Anonymous said: Damn it’s real dramatic over in CCLand today. Abby’s “anons” are talking about how someone must have threatened to kill Darren or Chris’s family if Darren didn’t get married. And then we have Abby saying that no matter what happens she won’t abandon them. Yeah, she is definitely setting the stage for claiming someone threatened to kill Chris if Darren didn’t have a baby with Mia. She knows a baby is coming eventually and she can’t let go of her CCThrone.

It’s da Mafia, my friends! 

They are so full of themselves-and so dramatic- it’s terrifying. 

I keep saying that Abby is writing a Telenovela and damn does she love the drama. She’s also desperate to keep her storyline going and there just isn’t a logical reason WHY Darren would be in the closet and married to Mia at this point unless you go for “big threats”. Abby has suggested this vague“threat” theory before but nobody else picked it up so we never had such scary-hilarious promises of allegiance to Criss and Colfer. This is exactly the kind of pithy, over-the-top emotional digging into a cause that social media was made for- the kind in which you have no actual impact but you blog the hell out it like you matter.  

One of the biggest issues with the CrissColfer storyline is why should we be sympathetic to ccDarren and/or ccChris? They are both successful, famous, wealthy, powerful men. Abby’s never-ending criticisms of ccDarren are becoming a problem. While she always blames it on “his team”, most people don’t find it so obviously his team’s fault as evidenced by her Nonnies who then get a lecture on HOW it IS his team’s fault. Of course, nobody is controlled by their employees and ccDarren and ccChris aren’t victims or children. 

Abby delights when she can claim that ccDarren is treating Mia abhorrently because it fulfills her hatred of Mia but nobody else feels so delighted. For instance, she claimed he was trying to pull her in the water during a New Year’s Eve embrace. 

I’m guessing, and we are missing the moment inbetween d goes to dip her so she things she’s getting her kiss but in fact tries to throw her in the water.(X)

The sane among us are disgusted by a claim that he would try to drown his wife. The same goes for ccChris when he publically bullies and shames Mia on social media and his books. Abby’s love of hating Mia often overshadows her need to keep ccChris and ccDarren as victims. 

The basis of CrissColfer is that both men want to be famous and work in Hollywood for the big money and they can’t tell their truth without fear of losing everything. After ten years, both men are no longer the “inexperienced, naive, innocent young men who made bad choices when fame was flashed in their faces” and Abby needs a new spin in order to keep her followers emotionally invested. Throw in a storyline where both men are just trying to stay afloat after their families were threatened and WHOA man, you have two very compelling characters with sympathy through the roof.

Anonymous asked: Let's not forget that with the wedding being the lesser of two evils, one of the threats could have gone far beyond you or C would never be working in this industry again, like you said, the people in power will do anything to hide their sins and there really is no limit, who knows a threat on his (or C's or other family) live could have been made. It sure as hell wouldn't be the first time someone dies in a freak accident because they have dirt on someone (Chris already lost his mom in a freak accident. I can’t imagine he would ruin his entire life over the fear of losing someone else when he understands that life is precious and you can’t control what happens to family members. Or the other argument is why would he allow someone to control his life when the easy solution is to go off to NYC and become an author.  Leave Hollywood behind for the man he loves and living an authentic life. It doesn’t seem like that hard of a tradeoff to me)

ajw720 answered: Nonnie. I’m really starting to question. And m has her family and SS on her side. That’s a lot of power and ruthlessness. (I'm always fascinated by the power that Abby imagines Mia’s family has. If Chris and Darren are powerless then why is the head of Vera Wang’s company so powerful? Mia’s dad owned a small chain of small music venues. He’s likely loaded but not in the BIG powerful world of movers and shakers. As for Sunshine Sachs- they are very powerful and healthy but there is little incentive for them to risk it all by getting involved in little unknown Darren’s love life by closeting him).    

I’ve decided. No matter what they throw at us, while i may not be able to watch as closely, I’m not abandoning them unless there comes a point I think it’s willing. I don’t see that happening. What is happening is not about straight. (What “they throw at us”? This isn’t about you, Abby. Nothing about CC is about you. You’re just a lonely, unstable fan sitting in her living room all alone obsessing about Mia and fabricating outrageous stories about a family you don’t know and a man who doesn’t care about you. I’m curious, what would convince you that he’s willing? You already said you wouldn’t believe him if he told you he loved Mia.  You’re destinated to come out the loser because you refuse to see or accept reality.)    

It’s about hiding sins. If it were just straight as I have repeatedly said it would be done better and with someone that actually makes d look good. (So she’s twisting the story to be about hiding sins.  I’m not sure how forcing the farce to continue is a good strategy to ensure you don’ get caught. It seems like a cut and run strategy is better- preferably with big payoffs. Lots of us DO think Darren does look good. It’s only the people obsessed that he’s gay who don’t like him).

I just hope they have finally aligned with the right people to help them (How would this work? Either Ryan and Sunshine are terrified of their role coming out, all-powerful and threatening his family to keep it quiet OR there are people to align with who can help but not both because people who threaten others' lives for their own interests aren’t going to show up at the negotiation table willing to work out and deal).

flowersintheattic254. @ajw720 I’ll state publicly that I’m with you on that. I’m not going away unless I see it’s willing. Right now it doesn’t seem to be and frankly the more I learn about Holly/wood and how people are manipulated and abused the more I think it isn’t a choice or a very unwilling one. (Why would Darren and Chris stay there if it is that bad?  If Hollywood is one big cesspool then reasonable people would get the hell out of dodge, do something because living in that environment will turn you into that kind of person.  Also, I just have to add that the Catholic Church has an abysmal record on sex abuse of women and children so if anyplace is manipulative and abusive, it’s Abby’s church)

leka-1998 Totally agreed.

I feel like every day I get more repulsed by what the people in that awful industry are capable of.

notes-from-nowhere If it is possible, the more I know, the more I feel compelled to stand up against this habits and fight back. (How exactly will you do that? I’m fascinated and can’t wait to hear)

Nothing will change overnight. Not D’s life, not the ones of the others in his same situation but we can do something. And as much as we could, I’m sure, we will. (No shit sherlock, you’re 10 years  inand no end in sight)

I will accept defeat the day D will show me, without a doubt, that this is what he wants for his life and not matter if right or wrong, I will respect his choice. To date, I don’t think we are even close to that. Time will tell. (Again, what can Darren do to prove to you? He married the woman he’s dated for 8 years, he opened a business with her, he gushed about the wedding, and he travels with her everywhere. When he tells you how he feels about her you all instantly dismiss his words as being contracted or “Mia wrote them”.  You refuse to SEE what is so plain in front of you. I cannot imagine what he could do that would convince you.)  

In the meantime I will keep doing what I do now. (which is lie, twist facts, post Glee photos as CrissColfer, make stupid comparisons, and blow some up Abby’s ass).   

Anonymous asked: I agree about HW and who knows what kind of nefarious shit goes on. The problem I have is his parents not intervening in this . I get there is probably blackmail at this point but surely his parents can see this can’t go on. I’m afraid it’s affecting his family at this point and I would think his dad would take the reigns at some point and say enough. This is the only thing that tells me it’s short term and there is an escape date. I don’t see his parents accepting something permanent.

Do they have a choice though nonnie? That’s the question. How are they more powerful then the heavy weights he’s up against? What has been threatened? I have an idea of where I think this is going but I don’t know and I’m firm there’s 2 distinct paths, one is freedom. The other is too horrifying for words. And I think by the end of the year we will know. (She is sure they will be divorcing after the anniversary and Hollywood airs.) 

Because no doubt this has gravely hurt d and his spirit. And between c and his parents, i’d think they are doing everything to help him win. All parties on his side have to be petrified. Because even if there’s a positive plan in place, what’s to stop it from changing? Because I reiterate. D was going to come out tied to ACS and it went nightmarishly wrong. And he’s well being and safety are at stake for as long as she is tied to him. (She reiterates God Damnit! She KNOWS she was right!!!!!!! WTAF? No, he wasn’t going to come out. He’s told you he’s straight and there is no reason to suspect he’s lying. I love the comments about his safety as long as Mia is around or his image as long as his team is around-He’s fucking thriving. When is the shit going to hit the fan? He won the top four awards, has his own show on a new platform, has a big Broadway show coming, has a Ryan Murphy Netflix show that he helped co-create, Elsie is amazing, StarKid had a very successful year, his wedding is all over the “top celeb weddings” lists, he was busy AF this year and he just bought a $3 million house. It’s been a decade-when will this bad stuff start? ). 

Anonymous asked: I do fear D is in this for the long haul unfortunately. It has slowed down for her a bit post-nuptials but unless this show with RM is serving as an out, I don’t see how D will ever get out of this. We also need to remember she knows too much too at this point. It’s not that easy to get someone with the amount of info she has to just go away. If she’s intent on riding coattails, there may be little D can do to get rid of her. I hope I’m wrong. I want to see him win. But it doesn’t look good. (What does ccMia know that she can use against him? That would mean he’s done something wrong but according to cc lexicon, it’s all done against him, he’s the victim. If anything he would have dirt on her to use) 

I can’t believe how naive I was to think it was as simple as d&c saying no. I doubt that was ever an option and they learned that, after months of fighting post encagement, in the cruelest manner. Honestly I’m feeling almost more heartbroken today then on feb 16 because I’m finally seeing the horrifying reality of HW.Nonnie. Despite the fact that I don’t trust him, I’m praying that RM saw that it serves his agenda and reputation to help d as it would rehabilitate his character much more than to continue to hurt him, because at this point I think he’s the only person that has the power to get him out. Now we wait and see. (I don’t see how Ryan Murphy can serve as both Mafia boss and his savior but I understand that he’s the only one that could possibly play that role right now. There are no other gay Yoda’s in Darren’s life with enough cloud to be the “savior” so by process of elimination, Ryan is the one). .   ’t see how Ryan Murphy can serve as both Mafia boss and his savior but I understand that he’s the only one that could possibly play that role right now. There are no other gay Yoda’s in Darren’s life with enough cloud to be the “savior” so by process of elimination, Ryan is the one).    

I can’t believe how naive I was to think it was as simple as d&c saying no. I doubt that was ever an option and they learned that, after months of fighting post encagement, in the cruelest manner. Honestly I’m feeling almost more heartbroken today then on feb 16 because I’m finally seeing the horrifying reality of HW. (So basically, the original cc storyline isn’t holding up anymore after the end dates passed for coming out- Glee ended, the 8-year contract expired, Hedwig ended, ACS started, filmed and ended, Awards season came to a finish and now you’re hoping the anniversary is the lucky date.  But you need to explain why Darren and Chris have so much power and still are not together so you’re going for something bigger and more sinister.  The problem is that while Hollywood has a seedy underbelly, you can’t take one person’s story and extrapolates it to everyone. Judy Garland may have been drugged but they didn’t know the effect of drugs back then like we do know and the military gives the pilots “go” and “no go” pills to help them perform to this day under close medical supervision)  

[calliecat93]

Happy 2020 everyone! Hope that everyone had a great holiday! I did, but man the week break for the show left such a void. But we’re back on track now! SO last time we got Schnee drama, Weiss getting the clue to bury her father, and Watts dooming the city of Mantle to die in the cold. With all of that and us nearing the climax of the volume, what will CRWBY serve us this time? Well, let's find out!

Overview

The people of Mantle and understandably confused and upset about the heating going off. They think that Atlas did it, wondering if they still have heating and if they really would just turn it off. Pietro and Maria are also there, clearly concerned. Back at the Dinner Party as the Council continues their questioning of Ironwood’s actions, one of Jaques’ staff informs him of the recent developments and that it happened under his authorization. Jaques is shocked, but of course, he doesn’t tell the rest of the council this. Asshole. The Council is done… but Robyn isn’t. She wants to know what kind of secret Ironwood is hiding that he won’t share with even the Council. She suggests settling things then and now, offering her hand to Ironwood to use her lie detector Semblance.

Before Ironwood can do anything, Weiss bursts in. She reveals that she knows who the true criminal is… and that her father worked with him. She shows WIllow’s Scroll, revealing Watts much to everyone’s shock. The footage is played and reveals everything. Watts wanting revenge for being disgraced despite all the work he did for Ironwood. How he offered to rig the election if Jaques caused chaos for Mantle. How Jaques full-heartedly agreed to it, even laughing at it. Jaques has been exposed, and he has no way to defend himself. He tries to run for it, only to be blocked by Weiss’ Knight. The same Knight that he used on her when she tried to earn her right into Beacon. The same armor used by Nicholas Schnee, the man that Jaques essentially robbed the company from. Jaques has nowhere to run nor hide, and Weiss places him under arrest.

As things worsen in Mantle, the people using Fire Dust to create a giant bonfire and another riot breaking out, Ironwood and the Council question Jaques on his crimes. They’ve pieced together that Watts, along with Tyrian, were the ones responsible for the murders at Robyn’s rally and he has access to both Mantle and Atlas’ systems. The latter all thanks to Jaques giving him the access one he got his Council seat. Jaques is charged with Treason and Accessory to Murder as the asshole denies his involvement in all of it, claiming that he had no idea of Watts’ plans. This may be true, but he still allowed it to happen, so the blood is very much on his hands. Watts has access due to him and given time, he’ll be able to do what he wants, placing the Kingdom is grave danger.

It’s at this point that the Council is alerted to the growing crisis. Jaques immediately tries to again to defend himself, but Winter shuts him up and orders him to get the heat back on. But… he can’t. Watts used Jaques authorization and proceeded to lock everyone out. Ruby questions how bad this is as Ironwood tracks down Watts’ activity, specifically Amity. So far, Watts hasn’t unlocked the secrets there, but if he finds out then… yeah. With no way to trace him and hm already locking out more people, it looks bad. At this point, Robyn is even more curious about what the heck is going on and questions Ironwood about the Communications Tower. Something that Ironwood is shocked to find out that she knows of. In Mantle, the citizens have lost it as they attack the Atlesian robots, and with all this negativity, the Grimm are coming in. Saybers, and even worse, Goliaths, attack and all with the giant gaping hole in Mantle’s walls. Ho boy…

Back up above, Robyn reasons with Ironwood, having realized that whatever is going on is much bigger than the Kingdom or even Remnant. She knows that Ironwood is scared, but he needs to talk to her and the others. However, Clover and Oscar barge in, telling Ironwood of the Grimm attacks. Hearing this and with everything else, Ironwood is upset and unsure of what to do. Oscar goes to him, encouraging him to tell the truth and to work with everyone with Ruby saying that he isn’t alone. Ironwood gets into General mode, telling Oscar to go back to the Academy as RWBYJNRQ and Ace-Ops go down to Mantle to save the people. As they head out, Ruby and Oscar talk and agree that it’s time to reveal the truth. Oscar agrees to do so, allowing Ruby to go and do her duty.

Everyone heads out, Clover stressing that their duty is to get the people out, not fight the Grimm. Ironwood has revealed the truth to the Council and Robyn, all clearly stunned especially the latter. But Oscar has now told Ironwood the truth about Salem’s immortality, and he is stunned. He questions why Oz would hide this, with Oscar guessing so that they wouldn’t lose hope. But he says that Oz would be proud of Ironwood and that he’s fulfilling Atlas’ intent of being a  place to inspire hope. Ironwood starts to point out that Oscar talks like he was there, but he gets informed that the transports have arrived so for now they have to save it. Needless to say, Ironwood’s not exactly up for any more surprises.

The gang’s transport is attacked by a pterodactyl Grimm, one that Harriet can’t shake off. As such, they’re forced to jump for it as it takes a wing. Meanwhile, Jaques is carted off by the military as Willow and Whitley watch. Whitley is quiet, sitting on the stairs, before running off. But there’s someone else also there… a black-haired, green-eyed waitress who skips away. She enters some room where there’s a full view of Atlas Academy. She is greeted by… CInder. Yep, after hearing nothing of her since the end of V6, she’s back folks. And the girl? You guessed it, Neo in disguise. Cinder asks if Neo found what they were looking for, and the girl gives a devilish smirk as the chapter ends.

Review

So… this chapter is… okay. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It’s only okay. And that is all due to the execution. It was… pretty flimsy, unfortunately. I’m not gonna say bad because there are still four chapters to go, so anything can happen. But from how things are shaping up… I have concerns, to say the least,

Let’s talk about the good parts, FIrst, Weiss arresting Jaques. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. We have been waiting for this day for a long, long time. It never even crossed my mind that once she got hard evidence, Weiss would go straight to the council to expose her father then and there. Admittedly it feels… kinda easy? Like Jaques only just got elected, and he’s been de-powered this soon? But really? Jaques is a minor antagonist compared to Watts and Tyrian and is just a pawn in their game. He served his purpose and after his atrocities in this volume alone, he got what he deserved. It was also so great to see Weiss be the one to bring him down, showing that she has broken free of her father once and the girl that he tried to imprison send him to live out that fate.

So is this the end for Jaques? Maybe. Again, a lot depends on how the end of Volume 7 goes. I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes back into the future if we stay in Atlas. After all, the SDC has lost its leader, and this is going to cause problems. They can improve themselves, or become so much worse. IDK if Whitley will by default become the new Head or if he has to wait until he’s of age, but if he does… that is bad. Not just because he’s still a kid with no experience, but chances are Jaques still has power over him. He likely has ways to manipulate even behind bars, and Whitley was clearly not happy to see his dad be carted off. Whitley still has hope, and maybe this will help him cut the line, but I doubt that’s going to happen for a while. But for now, Jaques is where he belongs and hopefully, he stays there until he dies.

So let’s get into the iffier bits. So all of the truth is out now. Ironwood reveals Salem and the Amity plans to the Council and Robyn. Okay, good. Oscar, with permission from Ruby, reveals Salem’s immortality to Ironwood. Okay, good. We see Ren and Nora getting along at least for now as they go into battle. Okay, good. Robyn accepts that Ironwood isn’t a bad person and that Atlas isn’t to blame for Mantle. Okay, good. Everyone is acting overall mature with Ironwood taking the truth overall well. This is… a problem for me. A BIG problem.

Don’t get me wrong I’m glad that everyone is acting mature right now, especially with the current crisis. That is more important. But… do you seriously expect me to believe that it was this easy to resolve all of this? That Ironwood, after how his paranoia and shoving away his humanity was built up, was able to be briefly distressed and then accept the truth like that? That Robyn could look past Ironwood endangering and mistreating Mantle and a Grimm attack now underway because he refused the proper resources without any resentment? That the Council is going to trust Ironwood’s horrible decisions after this? That Ruby just suddenly decided that it was time and suffer no consequences or allow us to see her thought process regarding it? Really guys? REALLY?

No. This was too clear cut. Too easy. RWBY is an idealistic show, but you cannot build all of this up and just drop it because of a few revelations. Ironwood still caused most of the Mantle problems even before the framing. He still left Mantle vulnerable and unable to repair the wall, which leaves them open to the Grimm. He was still a borderline tyrant and no matter the intention, that is inexcusable. Same with the heroes. There was so much fracturing/built-up between them. Ren and Nora’s vastly different viewpoints coming in between them. Blake and Yang making decisions outside the rest of the group. Which great that they suffered no consequences for that even though it should have been discussed at least. We don’t see the gang talk about these things. We have Yang question Ruby once, and nothing after from anyone else. We don’t see Ruby struggle with her decision aside from being uncertain, and she is again not allowed to talk about her feelings outside a one minute talk with Qrow about it. I thought that we got over this ‘don’t show Ruby’s development’ issue in V6. I’m just… disappointed because it feels like all of this build-up, all of this struggle between right and wrong got a slap on the wrist and now it’s okay with NO ONE suffering ANY consequences!

Now again, the volume is not over. Something could go very, very wrong. And if we stay in Atlas at the end, we have Volume 8 where these choices can come back to haunt them. But judging this on it’s own with the rest of the volume, it’s really flimsy. Again, I am glad because there is a crisis going on. This isn't the time to argue amongst themselves. But why not have the show acknowledge that while still showing that these issues aren’t being dropped? V6 did it in just the first chapter. If the remainder of the chapters proves me wrong, I’ll re-asess for the Full Volume Review. But for now, it is the weakest chapter of the volume with only Weiss’ scenes and a few bits I’ll get into in a second saving it. This was far too contrived.

Okay, let’s talk about the other stuff. The Mantle scenes were brutal. But the people’s actions make perfect sense. Their anger and hatred for Ironwood and Atlas ave been built-up all Volume and now that they’ve been practically sentenced to death? Yeah, I’d snap in rage too. It’s gonna be brutal, and not just due to the Grimm. Are the people even going to accept the heroes' help? As far as they know, the Ace-Ops are Ironwood’s personal attack dogs and Penny is still a murderer. They’re not gonna believe any word to the contrary now. So not only do the heroes have to deal with the Grimm, but they have to try and save citizens that don’t want their help and are likely gonna fight back. Needless to say, Mantle is in big, BIG trouble. Upside, maybe we’ll FINALLY get the Robyn and Qrow vs Tyrian fight!

There’s also Oscar. Oh golly, Oscar. The merger is for sure happening. He’s talking, as Ironwood said, like he was there in the past. He’s giving advice that goes beyond his years. He clearly has Oz’s wisdom, but still his own viewpoint. Like he said, Oz would have likely kept the secret but Oscar goes the opposite route. It shows that he’s getting the memories and experience, but he’s still him. Will it stay that way? IDK. But it’s good to see more of the signs being there. Oh and the Rose Garden tease... I don’t care. Moving on.

We now come to the ending. Not gonna lie, they got me. I was NOT expecting Cinder and Neo until maybe the tailend of the volume. Like… right before the credits or even the stinger tailend. This… is bad. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to see them. Unlike many others, I love CInder as a villain. I hate her as a human being, but she’s a good villain. Neo… I’m indifferent over, but she’s getting to show more of her stuff now and I’m always open to that. If I really had to guess… Cinder is likely gonna attack the Academy. Why? To get at Oscar. She doesn't know where the Maiden Powers are, so she might as well get the Relic that she failed to get last time. IDK if Neo will follow or go at Ruby, but either way things just got a lot more complicated. Pray for our heroes guys, they’re in for a world of trouble…

Chapter Ten Predictions

Honestly? I have zero idea. I assume that we’re gonna get some Grimm fights… and if I‘m right citizen fights. Also kinda scared that if he’s able, this will be the point where Watts hacks into Penny to turn her against the heroes. Hey, he’s already copying CInder’s plan, might as well go the ‘take over the robots’ part. Then we have Oscar at the Academy, and if I’m right about Cinder… well… hopefully, someone like Winter is there also. If she’s not busy getting the Maiden Powers, in which case keep her far away from Cinder please. Either way, it’s gonna be brutal I think.

Episode Stats

Favorite Character: Weiss Schnee and Oscar Pine Favorite Scene: Weiss exposing/arresting Jaques Least Favorite Scene: All scenes involving the secrets because again, way too easy and contrived. Favorite Voice Actor: Aaron Dismuke (Oscar Pine) Favorite Animation: Grimm vs Airplane Rating: 7/10

Final Thoughts

I complained quite a bit here… well okay, a lot. But at the end of the day, what matters is if in spite of the flaws, I am still able to enjoy the final product. And when I look back… I did so. Are the contrivances distracting? Sure. But at least I can see what they’re doing and can follow along. Things are still moving forward, and I remained excited about the next episode. Scenes like Weiss arresting Jaques, CInder and Neo’s return, and the Mantle scenes were very well done and left an impact on me as a viewer. So yeah, I’m not 100% happy with the chapter. But I was still able to enjoy myself and it addressed what it needed to. So I’ll call this chapter okay. Not the best, not the worse, just okay. 

[cosmosogler]

hawaii part 1

god it is already like 9 and i only got maybe five and a half to six hours of sleep. oh well.

we left for hawaii on thursday june 29th. i really should have... kept a record of things as they were happening. it feels like a long time ago. i sat by gramma and grampa on the plane. i slept for some of it, played some pokemon, and helped gramma with her word puzzle game. 

i remember the car ride over to the airport was heckin miserable. we were all crammed together in the 400-dollar pile of junk that my brother thinks belongs to him. (it belongs to dad. it always belongs to dad. we don’t own any of our possessions. they are dad’s. he allows us so graciously to have them. sometimes.) it was already 100 degrees out and the ac in that car is ornery and only has vents in the front seat.

when we got to hawaii... i almost threw up. just feelin really sick and the baby changing station in the bathroom was... occupied and that smelled bad. my sister and i grabbed some starbucks drinks. we were about 15 minutes into the vacation proper and i was already kind of tired of my sister treating me like i’m a small child. it took over an hour to get our rental cars so i played more word puzzle with gramma, punched my cousins, and tried not to lay on the ground. 

when we got to the hotel we threw our suitcases in our rooms and went to the hotel restaurant for dinner. i got one out of the two vegetarian options. we got rained on and it was nice and cool. 

i need a naming system for my cousins. there are five of them and i interacted with all of them over the course of the trip. 

screw it, i don’t care any more.

we were having trouble getting thomas to settle down. my brother and austin and i stumbled through a riddle my brother had looked up on the internet. i was disappointed that i couldn’t figure it out. but i was pretty jetlagged and also really sick. 

after dinner the three younger boys and i went to the beach and splashed around until the sun went down. i got sea water in my eyes and that hurt a lot but not as much as when they dry out. i saw a crab run into the waves before we actually got wet. 

it was like one of these guys: 

he had his little pincers up in the air flailing around.

when we got back in the room i hopped in the shower and a small sand castle fell out of my swim shorts’ pocket. i had forgotten i had pockets. then the boys and i played cards against humanity. i didn’t win but i got some real knee-slappers in there. i made my brother cry at least.

the first night i had an interesting dream. it was kind of about being treated like i am somehow mentally deficient compared to my immediate family and kind of also about video games because of course it was. the second half of the dream i lived in a small urban area and had lots of friends. at the very end i was trying to find a pharmacy, because my friend heather was four inches tall and i had heard they had over the counter medicine for that. i couldn’t read any of the neon signs though because they were all chinese characters so i was asking for directions and the other guy was trying to tell me through a window.

when i woke up i wasn’t really angry or frustrated. maybe kind of disappointed... it always bums me out to wake up when i am actually around people i like and i don’t know if/when i will see them again. i miss heather.

the second day i actually don’t remember that much about. there are a few highlights. i went snorkeling. or i think i did? maybe that was day three. i accidentally missed the same spot on my arm three times while applying sunscreen so now i have a hilarious tanned stripe down my arm. most of it is hidden by my t-shirt. just gonna have to wear sleeves for the next few decades.

i figured the reason i missed the same spot on the back of only my left arm three times is because my right side doesn’t have as much range of motion as my left. so i couldn’t reach around and get the spray over there and i didn’t realize until it was too late.

thomas told me to kill myself.

i thought about that, later that night. i thought about it long and hard. especially considering what happened after that. but our room was on the second floor and a fall of 10-15 feet has already proven to not be able to kill me.

i guess that’s what’s most terrifying about trying to kill myself. what happens if i don’t succeed. usually fatal injuries that end up not being fatal leave you permanently changed. 

and... one thing i find maybe helpful, emotionally, is that i don’t actually consider all my options when i think about it. like i could have easily gone up to the top floor and jumped off the guard rail over the lobby. but i didn’t think of that. so it’s more like... the idea of killing myself, the line of thinking that goes “what if i did?”, than actually making a plan. it took me forever to realize that we have, like, bleach under the kitchen sink here at home. all i’d need to do is go hide in my room and wait a few hours. no one would check until it was too late.

i wouldn’t bring it up in this much detail but it comes up again later and i wanted to lay a little foundation.

mom got smashed shortly after lunch. my brother and i had to drag her up to the room. after i showered i heard mother talking to herself. then she tried to get up and shower and i tried to stop her but she got really mad and incoherent. and she stood up anyway, even though she couldn’t walk in a straight line. but i didn’t want to help her or even touch her. she smells bad. so i let her step past me. then my brother got mad at me for letting her do that. then mom dropped her clothes while my brother stood in the doorway. then my sister came in and called us idiots for letting her do that. because it’s whoever’s fault that was in the area when a mean drunk person does something stupid. she fell down when she was trying to get dressed. i didn’t help her then either. i don’t like interacting with drunk people. and i like interacting with drunk mom even less.

we went to bubba gump’s. the neighbors had joined us on this vacation. sierra, who my sister has friend-broken-up-with for her terrible decision making skills (and accompanying drinking problem), was unsurprisingly also hammered. as were both of my aunts. i got pretty sick while trying to eat. this is going to be a problem that only gets worse from here on out.

anyway the second evening i had to stay up foreeeeeverrrrrr because my dad and brother were watching a stupid movie called the switch up. it actually had ryan reynolds which was disappointing. i wanted to let them finish the movie, but then 11 rolled around... and 11:30........ so i gave up and put on my pajamas and sat in bed. i looked at dad and said “i’d like to sleep now.” he said “no.” he also did not bring up turning down the volume, perhaps, or turning off any of the room lights.

this wasn’t... anything more than inconvenient for him, mind you. we were in a two-bedroom hotel room. my brother and i were camping out on the pull-out bed in the couch in the front room. my parents were in the bed in the back room and my sister was parked on a cot in the back room. he could have easily just turned the movie on in his room, since mom was blackout passed out. when i suggested it he looked offended and said “no.” more sharply. 

i might be mixing up the order of events that happened in the conversation here. it was a long night.

dad told me the movie was almost over and i would wait until the end of it to sleep. i said “wow, the one guy learns to be more responsible, and the other one learns to be less responsible, and there are jokes. cool.” and he said “don’t spoil it.” i think it was supposed to be a joke but man i was tired and my meds/eating/sleep were severely off schedule and that was making me really cranky. and thomas had told me to kill myself. but some things have a more direct effect on my mood than others.

thomas... was being really mean before. i wasn’t surprised he told me to kill myself. that’s a thing people say on the internet to each other now and he is even younger than my brother. he’d said things that hurt more immediately already. like when i said “i’m the adult here” he said “you’re not an adult.” 

i think it’s because he watches my family treat me like i’m stupid. he watches them take on that “handling a mentally deficient” tone when they address me because i said something they thought was stupid. and... i don’t act like an adult. i do what i want. i don’t have enough energy to wear a business suit all the time, much less on family vacations where we are literally on the beach and i want to swim in the ocean. i play pokemon because i like pokemon. i worry about the future because i have depression and healthcare is hard to get when you have “previously existing conditions.” not because i just want to play pokemon all day.

i don’t know... i don’t think the boys realize that i hang out with them for more than one reason. one of them is, indeed, because i enjoy their company and i get more attention when i make bad jokes. another reason is because i am keeping an eye on them. no, i don’t watch them at all hours, and i don’t go everywhere they go. but it’s good to check in on children sometimes?? 

i guess i want to be a role model for my younger relatives. because i’m the oldest of eight and that’s my job. to be a friend, sometimes a guard, and sometimes, if they want, a mentor. i try to make sure i touch base with all of my cousins when i see them, ask what they’re doing, if there’s anything i can do if they are not feeling well. i try to be genuine. maybe that’s what kills me in their eyes. genuinely liking “uncool” things or having visible emotions. even though i keep most of those to myself and generally only choose to show ones i want them to see. so i guess i dug this grave for myself and now i get to lay in it. i made myself into the ultra dork and now that is all i am.

ok back to the movie. i figured it was almost over so i’d just put in my earbuds and wait. then forty-five minutes went by. i had my face crushed uncomfortably against the pillow and mattress but i wasn’t willing to move. because i was crying. because i was thinking of ways to kill myself and how i would have to tell thomas that i just couldn’t do that, so sorry.

ehhh when it got dark i was still awake and had to go to the bathroom all over again. that happens if i don’t immediately try to sleep after getting ready for bed. gall bladder and stuff i guess. not sure. but dad was in the bathroom. so i figured, if he wasn’t going to let me sleep, then why the hell would he let me use the bathroom if he wanted it? so i went down to the lobby and used the public restroom there. it also gave me a few minutes to try to get the red out of my face and eyes.

when i got back up to the room dad was ABSOLUTELY LIVID. he asked why i did that. i told him it was because he didn’t let me sleep so why would i expect him to let me use the bathroom? he said i was being selfish, and i am living with four other people now and should consider what they want, and i don’t care about anyone but myself. 

“you don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

after he went into the back room i had to pee all over again. after that i went to lay down in my bed. my brother seemed to be sleeping? i was surprised anyone slept through our little, hmm, disagreement. but he never mentioned it during the trip so i assume he either missed it or did not want to talk about it with me.

while i was laying there stewing dad came out and grabbed my leg near the ankle. 

i said “do not touch me.” he didn’t let go and told me “it won’t matter to you, but i’m sorry for yelling.”

i said “do NOT touch me.”

he said “i’ll touch you whenever i want.” and told me again how apologies don’t matter to me and he was only apologizing because it was the right thing to do.

but, you know, i was too busy having flashbacks? i guess being grabbed from outside my field of view while trying to sleep puts me on edge for some reason? i can’t think of why...

oh, yeah i can.

then i spent another 40 minutes hyperventilating. eventually i dozed i guess because i had dreams... i don’t remember what they were about exactly. they weren’t bad i don’t think. maybe the usual bad, but not exceptionally bad.

so anyway after a relaxing night of internal screaming i got up and texted my therapist and asked if we could text for a few minutes. i never got a response. i also exhaustedly sent asher a few messages.

usually when i make a decision there’s, like, an internal process that i’m not 100% aware of at all times, and when i come back to a topic i’ll realize i made a decision about it at some point between then and the last time it had come up. 

but at that point i realized very immediately and very intensely that i had gotten the message that dad was more concerned about shutting down challenges to his authority (”don’t touch me”) than about his family actually feeling safe. and someone like that is not someone i want to be around, and i am not interested in what someone like that has to say. 

i spent the next day or two? i think day and a half. stewing about what i wanted to do about it. first i told my gramma that thomas had told me to kill myself. my brother said “he was just talking.” and i guess i know he was just talking, because he talked at me and said those words. my grandparents said “he’s just a kid.” 

oh, at bubba gump’s the day before i had told him he was being an asshole and to cut it out. i think he was avoiding me after that but my grandparents later said that he had told them he had a lot of fun swimming around with me. so i guess my mood was coloring my perception of the world.

that night i told gramma what had happened. she and grampa basically said that no parent is perfect. and mom loves me and talks about my gall bladder problem and stuff. 

i’ve had this conversation with myself before. i don’t think what they’re describing is really love. if it is, love has never, EVER stopped her from hurting me before. physically or emotionally. and love didn’t stop dad from hurting me the previous night. or any of the times he threatened me before that, or the times he physically hurt me before that.

i’m feeling really upset about it again and the post is getting really long. i’m going to take a short break here and write another post about the next couple days i think. the rest of the suicide thing will be in the next post then. 

it’s only 10 so i will try to finish the whole story tonight.

[idiottantrum-blog]

RV's Are The Fu$*ing Worst.

I was having some trouble deciding how I was going to start this post; a bit of writers block if you will. The introduction for a post really sets the tone for how the rest of it will read, you know? I tried a couple of different variations on opening paragraphs and ended up scrapping them as they just didn’t really capture the essence, the feel of what I’m going for. It got to the point where I even considered starting this post the same way a class president begins his graduation speech, before waxing poetic about the monumental accomplishment of passing 12th grade without getting pregnant or maid of honor opens her toast, before proceeding to ugly crying through a story about the summer she and the bride spent discovering themselves in Spain; by quoting Merriam Webster’s Dictionary.

Yes. I know. I’m the worst.

However, as I wallowed in a puddle of my own self loathing whilst typing ‘Recreational Vehicle’ into the search bar at the top of merriam-webster.com and considered throwing myself into a reservoir, I was saved at the last moment. I was saved, not because Messrs. George and Charles Merriam and Noah Webster had anything particularly enlightening to provide on the matter; they define recreational vehicle simply as “a vehicle designed for recreational use (as in camping)”, which is exactly as boring and shitty as expected.

No, the gem proffered up by merriam-webster.com came not in the form of their definition, but from the ‘Recent Examples on the Web’ section by way of this headline:

There it is. That’s what I was struggling to capture in my introductory paragraphs. The thing that exactly captures the true essence of RVs and sets the proper tone that I want this post to follow; A news article from Texas about a drug felon stabbing a police dog in the face.

If you were somehow unclear on my feelings about RV’s up to this point we aught to be on the same page by now.

But just to be really, totally sure I’ve been clear enough: RV’s are stupid and suck, there is literally no reason you should ever consider taking a trip in one. If you are thinking about renting an RV to take a road trip in. Don’t. You would be much better served doing an activity that has at least an outside possibility of a positive or enjoyable outcome; such as performing unnecessary abdominal surgery on yourself with dirty kitchen utensils.

I didn’t have a benevolent and wise blog writer to warn me before I made the mistake of taking an RV trip, but you do. Listen to my tale and live a fulfilled remainder of your life not going in an RV.

My tale begins in the long ago year of 2018. A simpler time. A time of innocent wonder and unspoiled joy. My wife and I decided we- actually hold on.

This is bothering me so lets sort something out here; I went back and read that article. The police dog that the drug lady stabbed is fine. Turns out the stabbing was done with some sort of a plastic handled eyebrow trimmer. Officer McBarker (my name for him, not theirs) was treated for minor injuries and returned to duty the following day. Frankly I wasn’t going to be able to concentrate for the rest of this story without knowing if the dog was alright.

Right, now that we’ve covered that, back to my story.

For our summer vacation in 2018, my wife was fretting a lot about spending too much money on a trip plus having to make arrangements for our dogs while we were away. My cousin who lives in Florida was going to be getting married in July, so we figured we would combine our vacation with that. Originally we were looking at Universal Studios in Orlando, since they’ve got that Harry Potter world and f*#k you if you don’t think waving wands at stuff and going to Diagon Alley the best way to spend your week off if you are a 30 year old man. Because of the aforementioned cost and dog separation anxiety however, we were getting nowhere fast with making any firm plans.

That is, until I had the idea that will haunt me to my grave. Fresh off our previous year’s camping extravaganza which you can read about in I Pooped in the Woods, I thought perhaps we could do something new and different for our vacation this year. It is at this point that I would really have appreciated the sage advice of some a#@hole on the internet to tell me and my ideas to f*#k right off. I didn’t get that though, which is why I proposed the idea of renting an RV and road tripping it down the east coast and back for our vacation.

It’ll be more inexpensive than dealing with airfare, hotels, resorts and boarding the dogs I thought. It’ll be a cool opportunity to see some of the country I thought. It won’t be the living embodiment of my worst nightmare set to the score of five hundred podcasts in a row, all while a tiny horned devil stabs me over and over again in the bank account, I thought.

As clearly neither of us is a sane person who can recognize a sh*t-turd of an idea when it’s dancing in front of us in an unbuttoned trench coat with it’s shriveled d*ck waving in the breeze, my wife was all about the RV idea.

We found a site that works kind of like Air BnB for Recreational vehicles in that people that own them can rent them out to vacationers. You pay a security deposit, then you pay a cost per-night to rent the RV and take it around camping and whatnot. Seemed simple enough, and most of the ones available were pet friendly, which meant we could take the dogs with us no problem.

Enter the harbinger of my doom. The 2009 Coachman Prism.

This is the RV we ended up renting from a private owner, lets call him Charles. We’ll call him that because that’s his name. Things started out innocuously enough, all of the preliminary things you might expect went without incident. We had a meetup with Charles to do a walkthrough of the RV so we’d know how everything worked and so he could explain the various ins-and outs of our rental agreement with us. Nothing out of the orinary: (x) amount of miles per rental day are included and anything over that is a few cents per mile, bring it back clean, bring it back with the sewage and grey water tanks empty to avoid extra fees, you have comprehensive insurance through the rental agreement and complimentary roadside assistance, so on and so forth.

Before the appointed trip we plotted a course that looked roughly like this, booking stays in RV campgrounds down the East Coast:

We rented the RV near our home, but we would start the actual road-trip out in York PA after attending a wedding we had out that way on the front end of the vacation. Two weddings, one on either end of our vacation? Yep. we’re at that annoying age where everyone we f&ing know is getting married and for some reason expects anyone else to give a sh!t about it.

(If you are one of the people who’s wedding I attended at some point in the recent past I of course don’t mean you. Your wedding was magical and unique and is the exception to the rule. It wasn’t a huge inconvenient chore and I didn’t hate every second of having to shout over the f*#^ing music in order to make small talk with a table full of strangers for three hours. Your wedding was a treasure.)

Our first official stop was Shenandoah National Forest, then we would make our way south visiting Virginia Beach, followed by a place in the middle of some insignificant woods in a town called Moncure North Carolina because it split the travel time up on the way to the next stop and North Carolina contains nothing of value to society. Charleston South Carolina, Savannah Georgia, Another State Park near the Georgia/Florida border, and then the gulf coast of Florida for the wedding to finish the trip south and a straight shot back home to round out the vacation.

Guess where we made it to on that blue trip outline before things turned to sh*t?

The first day of our trip just happened to be the hottest day of the summer and apparently in all of recorded spacetime history because it was 110 degrees outside from about 9:30 am on.

By the time we pulled in to our campsite around 4:30 in the afternoon we had been out of range of any cell service for at least 40 minutes and it was so hot we were concerned there was a real possibility of the dogs getting heat stroke. We plugged in, hooked up and connected all of the do-dads for the RV and tried to get the AC going to cool it off. After about an hour of the AC running full tilt the inside of the RV had gotten down to about a cool and comfortable 185 degrees Fahrenheit which led us to become become convinced that in our infinite stupidity we must have been doing something wrong that the vehicle wouldn’t cool down. Since it was just as hot outside as it was in the vehicle, our concern for the dogs continued to grow until we packed all the sh!t back into the RV and drove towards civilization until we could get cell reception to call Charles to figure out what we were doing wrong.

Charles’ response was to comfort us with the fact that “it’s just like that” and to get the RV to cool down all you have to do is wait for it to not be so hot outside. Well f*#$ing thanks, Charles. Glad we' drove an additional hour and a half for the sage advice that we should just stew in our own taint sweat until the sun goes away so it won’t be quite so hot.

Maybe my expectations for the level of comfort in an RV were not set appropriately, and that’s on me. Maybe I was expecting to hang out in a comfy 71 degrees indoors even if it was roughly the same temperature as the sun’s surface outside and that was unreasonable; but the casual nature with which Charles informed me that if it was hot outside it was just going to be sh!tty and hot in the RV when my wife was fretting over a pair of dogs so overheated they looked like partly deflated beach balls sort of pisses me off.

By the time we got finished with traveling, setting up and then disassembling the RV, driving back to cell service and turning around to go back to the campground we had exactly enough time to cook dinner in the fire pit and turn in for the night. In other words, day one of the RV road trip and things were shaping up to be a real party.

We had just enough time the following morning explore the campground and take a roughly 30 minute hike along the river. The campsite was nice, if sunburnt older folks with their shirts off, unleashed dogs and combination clothesline/satellite-dish/barbecue grill with underpants hanging all over them is your aesthetic. We lasted that 30 minutes before the heat and approximately 1,294,234,121,853,000.2 bug bites from mosquitoes forced us to pack it up and head on to the the next campsite.

On day two we traveled to our second stop, a state park near Virginia Beach. Upon arrival at the campground while I was going to check in to our spot at the ranger station, another couple of RVers checking in informed me the muffler on our vehicle was hanging kind of low. After we parked I called Charles and sent him a picture of the muffler and he confirmed that it didn’t look right and that I should call the roadside assistance that comes with our rental.

It was at this point I discovered that what they mean in all the information they give you about your “total coverage” and “free roadside assistance” is that you are totally covered and completely free to call their hotline and have a lovely conversation with someone about your broken down RV. If you want someone to actually f*#@ing DO something about it you are responsible for covering that out of pocket.

After about an hour on the phone convincing the people that, no, I could not make a service appointment at a local garage and bring it in to look at because I was on vacation in a rented RV and was supposed to be travelling five hours to North Carolina the following morning they agreed to send a service truck out to deal with the issue. We made an appointment for 10 A.M the the next day for them to come out since we were scheduled to be out of the campsite by 11 sharp and on our way.

At 11:30 the next day the service person called me to tell me they were fifteen minutes away. I told them I’d meet them in the parking lot outside the visitors center since we needed to vacate our campsite. This was when we started the RV up and one of the tire pressure gauges informed us one of our tires was mostly flat… F*#k. At least we already had a service truck on the way.

One hour and 80 dollars later we pulled out of that parking lot with both issues solved. Sort of.

First, apparently the muffler had been replaced fairly recently, but not done properly. Basically, it was suspended from the bottom of the vehicle by nothing more than a metal peg, rubber grommet and wishful thinking. the peg didn’t even fit all the way into the rubber grommet anyway so it was double sh*t. Here is a diagram:

Since he couldn’t actually do anything to properly fix a muffler installed by an incompetent donkey while in the parking lot of a campground, he just took a bunch of mechanic’s wire and strapped it on there to keep it in place for the duration of our trip.

As for the tire, he was pretty sure it was probably not punctured anywhere. He pointed out to me that there is a cover called a wheel simulator that goes over where the lug nuts are on the wheel. Its just a hubcap looking thing that protects the wheel. The one on the tire that was low on air was missing. This, he said, allowed the stem valve to wobble a bit and the cap to come loose, letting air out of the tire. He put air in it and sent us on our way.

Remember the bit here about this mechanic telling me that the wheel simulator was missing. Remember it forever. Burn it into your memory so that when you close your eyes and lay down to sleep tonight the last thought you have before drifting into the sweet embrace of unconsciousness is that in the summer of 2018 in the parking lot of a national park near Virginia Beach a mechanic pointed out that the cover was missing from one of the wheels of the RV that I rented from a man named Charles.

Here’s that map again, just so we’re all on the same page about the progress we’ve made on our adventure so far:

Any wild guesses as to how far we made it before we had problems again?

Go on, guess. I’ll wait.

By the time we got to our next campsite and gave the tires a chance to cool down, the tire pressure had dropped by about 10 lb from where it had been that morning after the mechanic inflated it.

So now we’ve confirmed for sure there is for sure something wrong with one of the tires and I’ve got to start the process over of making the 100% Free™ phone call for our comprehensive coverage roadside assistance team so that they can do us the huge favor of calling a local mechanic for us who we are then responsible for paying to fix someone else’s RV. I don’t know what portion of the fee that this RV rental site takes goes towards paying the salary of a person who’s job is to type “roadside mechanic” followed by a zip code into google maps; but it’s too f*@#ing much, I can tell you that.

Oh, and did I mention that on this, our second breakdown in two days, by the time we got through the process of getting roadside assistance it was 9 pm on July goddamn 3rd? Because by the time we got through the process of getting roadside assistance it was 9pm on July goddamn 3rd.

A mechanic got there at about 10:30 and determined that the stem valve for that tire was old and dry rotted, causing it to crack which was letting air out of the tire.

He then proceeded to fire up an air compressor that was roughly the same decibel volume as a medium sized aircraft taking off and use the worlds loudest pneumatic impact drill to remove our tire, take everything apart, install a new stem valve and replace everything over the course of about an hour during which time apparently every other resident of the RV park called management to complain that someone was doing their best impression of constructing a fly by night carnival in the dark.

Despite the fact that the entire process disturbed an entire campground of people by being so loud that we had to peel out of there at 6 am the next morning rather than face any of the other residents, that mechanic deserves a f@&ing medal for coming out that late on the eve of the Holiday, being super cool and then proceeding to charge me $35 for the whole thing. 30 bucks for the trip out, 5 bucks for the valve he replaced. In addition to his fee, I gave him a 6 pack of beer because I couldn’t risk giving him any more actual cash in case I needed it to keep paying mechanics for fixing this six wheeled recreational sh$t wagon.

I did some extensive googleing to weight the pros and cons of a few options we had at this point. It turned out to be too cost ineffective to just turn around and drive home, then buy a plane ticket to fly to my cousin’s wedding. The other option was to put a brick on the accelerator and drive the RV into a ravine. I figured it would at least be cathartic to see how well the comprehensive full total insurance policy that came with our rental handled the RV being destroyed and in a ravine. It seemed risky though; the available data suggested they would likely just call a place that sells RVs and offer to give them my credit card and social security number to help me out in purchasing the replacement.

It seemed the only option was forward.

The next four days passed without incident, and I mean that in both the sense that the f*#@ing RV at least didn’t break down again for those four days, but also in the sense that as it turns out an RV road trip just consists of Driving an RV for several hours a day and then being in a place with nothing to do except be in an RV for the rest of them

We made it to Florida and attended my cousin’s wedding, spending one night in a a pet friendly hotel since we couldn’t leave the dogs in the RV while we were at the event. It was, perhaps the single bright spot amidst the otherwise desolate hellscape of sh*t that was the rest of the trip.

Our return trip was to be a single shot straight up the coast and back home, with the option of breaking somewhere for the night if we determined it was too much to do all together. It should have taken us 17 hours to make the trip. It took 25.

Apparently when you’re in a turd bus that gets 12 miles to the gallon and have to fill up every fifteen minutes you don’t make great time.

By about hour 16 it was one in the morning and we were somewhere in one of the Carolinas. I had sent Emily to bed, insisting I would settle in for the long haul through the better part of the night. Fueled by rage, energy drinks and downloaded podcast episodes I was plugging my way north when a car comes speeding up behind us, pulls up alongside me and starts flashing their lights and honking.

Guess what didn’t hold up until we made it home? If your guess was THE F*$#ING MUFFLER AGAIN, YOU WIN!

I was not waiting at one in the morning on the side of a highway for someone to come a deal with this godforsaken disappointment on wheels one more time. I drove that f*$#ing RV five miles an hour in the shoulder for 1/4 of a mile to the nearest exit dragging the muffler on the ground until I could get into the parking lot of a closed down gas station where I proceeded to crawl around under the RV on my back and reattach the stupid mechanics wire to get the muffler back in place. I then drove in silence through the night and into the day for another nine hours listening for the sound of a muffler falling off and hitting the ground.

By that point, If I had seen even a slightly steep wash out on the side of the road that had aspirations of being ravine-like I’d have driven that b#tch right into it and ended it all. I did not though, so we arrived back at our house at about 10:30 the day after we left un-ravined.

One would have thought that the endless nightmare of the RV trip would be over once we finally got it home. Not so. We had to bring the vehicle back to Charles to fill out all the paperwork and do an inspection.

Charles, who not only did not show the slightest sign of empathy, or acknowledgement that he rented us an RV with bits literally falling off it. Charles, who agreed to deduct the costs of the roadside repairs I had to make to his improperly maintained vehicle from our bill as if he were doing us a huge favor. Charles, who hit us with every additional fee possible, several of which were incurred exclusively because we had to alter our itinerary because of the breakdowns.

Charles. Charles, who walked around to the tire that I’d had to have looked at twice and replaced at 11 at night on July 3rd and asked what happened to the wheel simulator and then insisted one of the mechanics had removed it and forgotten to put it back on and I had not corrected this mistake. The stupid cap that the first guy had specifically told me was missing. The cap that was pretty clearly missing in a picture we took of that side of the vehicle before the trip. The cap that will haunt my nightmares for the rest of my natural life. That cap. He held our security deposit and then billed us $200 for a new one.

So yea. Charles.

At this point, you might be saying to yourself “We’ll, alright. You rented an RV that turned out to have a bunch of problems. Thats not indicative of the RV experience in general.”

Fair point, reader. Here are the other highlights of our RV trip with the breakdowns excluded:

Stopping for gas every 2 hours

Not being able to use any of the appliances because they trip the breakers in the RV.

Eating 80% uncooked potatoes for diner because you spent one of the nights in a place that doesn’t allow fires and as previously mentioned, the electrical system can’t run any of the appliances.

Hitting your elbows 400 times a day when trying to shower in a coffin with the water pressure of a dehydrated pervert trying to spit on you.

Sweating even while indoors.

Silence because your wife is asleep, since being unconscious is better than the living hell that is driving this f*@#ing RV and you can’t both sleep, so at least someone should get some reprieve from the suffering.

Camping, except shitty because instead of actually camping your in shitty RV surrounded by 400 other people who are either late middle aged couples with an aversion to shirts and a love of turquoise jewlery and not showering or families with twelve children under the age of 6 forcing you to question whether or not its biologically possible for a woman to have two euteri.

Road-tripping except shitty because your driving a bus sized living room that runs on diesel and tops out at about 60 and instead of something cool your destination is an RV park.

Touching a literal sh*t tube every day or so so that you can insert it into a hole in the ground that 1,235,243,676 other people’s sh*t tubes have touched since the last time anything resembling sanitation was conducted.

Sleeping on a pull out bed so bad it’t literally convex at a 45 degree angle in the center

Being ten feet from a toilet which is little more than a plastic covering over an open pipe to a sewage tank that you can smell from anywhere in the vehicle at any point in time.

Campfires

Even if the RV hadn’t broken down a bunch of times on us. An RV is nothing more than a combination of camping and staying in a hotel where you make a big pro and con list of both things, throw out all the pros, mash all the cons together and then take a sh*tty trip where everything is a worse version of the regular version.

Camp or don’t. There is no acceptable inbetween and anyone who tells you differently is wrong and should feel bad about their dumb incorrect opinion.

If you were ever considering taking an RV trip, you’ve now been adequately educated. You’re Welcome.

P.S

Charles came after us for a 4 dollar toll that apparently the EZ pass had missed about a month after we had settled all of our bills. And then just charged our credit card without waiting for me to respond to his message about the toll.

That’s how I found out from the review section of his rental page that a person who had rented the RV the weekend after us posted a low star review and commented, warning people to take pictures of everything on the outside of the vehicle before their rental, and wishing they had thought to do so.

Now, I’m not saying that’s proof that Charles knew full well about that wheel cover and is scamming people, who don’t notice it’s missing ahead of time and keeping party of their security deposit. But he’s definitely doing that and I hope someone drives his RV into a Ravine.