#god this post is SO rambling I'm sorry AAAAAAAASKUDHASDBHJASHDA

[lizardthelizard]

Ranking Pinocchio Adaptations Part 2

Hello! Disney’s horrible cgi Pinocchio is due to release soon and I promised myself that I would finish this ranking before it does...

Anyway, this is part two of me ranking the 22 Pinocchio Adaptations that I’ve seen. You can find part one here.

This ranking is in order of worst to best. Therefore, this part includes all the middling rankings. 

(Obviously spoilers for every adaptation listed).

Numbers 15 to 8. Mixed/Mediocre/Good but not great

15. ‘Pinocchio: The Series’ (1972) by Saban

Wanna see someone beat the shit out of Pinocchio? This is the adaptation for you.

I mean, seriously, Collodi might have burned Pinocchio’s feet off, hanged him from a tree, chained him to a doghouse and turned him into a donkey, but even all of that pales in comparison when you start watching this. I swear, they beat the crap out of this kid every, single episode. And, if they’re not physically abusing him, the other characters are bullying him and making fun of him.

This series is long and very, very strange. I’ll confess that, whilst I have technically sat through all 52 episodes, after a while I did mostly put it on to nap (and every now and then I would wake up to the shrill yelling of Pinocchio, never knowing if he was being attacked or having fun).

Anyway, there’s a lot going on in this series. Witches, mermaids, kings & queens, talking animals that only Pinocchio can understand (which is something I do quite like). But what’s probably most noteworthy is Pinocchio’s own characterisation. Because this kid is a complete brat. Sometimes to the point where you kind of want him to get some comeuppance because he’s so whiny and mean spirited at times. AND YET, on the flipside of that, when he does get punished for his actions it’s...way too much. And you start to feel so sorry for him again because he’s being burned at the stake or beaten and dragged across the floor (and, ofc, the Fairy only ever appears to help him out well after he’s learnt his lesson).

This series is bizarre. There’s one particularly notorious episode in which Pinocchio throws a rock at this kid that had been bullying him, accidentally knocking the boy into a river. The boy can’t swim and, after some deliberation, Pinocchio jumps in to save him. But he fails. The kid drowns and Pinocchio spends the rest of the episode trying to make it up to the boys mother, including  substituting himself in place of her son and allowing her to take care of him and play mother to him. THIS IS A WEIRD SERIES, OKAY.

Anyway, this show has some fun elements and it is so damn wild all the time that it’s often impossible to look away but mostly? it’s pretty average in terms of quality and not something to be binged. Rather, a show to catch an episode of every now and then and go ‘hey what the fuck did I just watch?’ at the end of it.

14. ‘Pinocchio’ Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales for Every Child (1997)

Okay but this is a very cute adaptation. As stated at the beginning, part 2 of this ranking is for both ‘mixed’ adaptations and adaptations that are ‘good but not great’. This falls into the latter of those.

The basic plot of the episode is essentially just the Disney movie but extremely trimmed down (since this is only half an hour long). It features Will Smith as Pinocchio and Chris Rock as the termite, which is absolutely bizarre (especially in light of recent events)

Idk it’s not very long and (like half of these movies) you can find it on youtube pretty easily if you do wanna give it a watch. Oh and also? The Blue Fairy becomes the ‘Blues Fairy’ in this which is SO fun. It’s not particularly captivating and tbh I wouldn’t feel the need to rewatch it for a long while yet, if at all, but the representation is really nice to see and there are one or two interesting little ideas.

13. ‘Pinocchio’s Christmas’ (1980) Rankin/Bass

I’m such a sucker for stop frame animation...

PLEASE his design is so sweet!!! And the animation is just beautiful, truly. Really lovely to look at and I love the designs for Pinocchio, the Cat and the Fairy in particular.

The story is sort of a mash up of the original book + the Disney movie + ...Christmas? And also they give him a love interest for some reason (which apparently ‘Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night’ stole seven years later, when they also tried to give him a blonde puppet love interest.

The songs are fun and pretty catchy tbh although I will say that ‘Let ‘em Laugh’ is a blatant rip off of Singin’ in the Rain’s ‘Make ‘em Laugh’. 

I know that this movie is a huge classic for a lot of people but its an adaptation that I didn’t watch until very recently so I guess I don’t have the same nostalgia for it. It’s a really nice little movie, for sure, but I can’t rank it much higher because it was kind of just...okay. Good, but not great.

12. ‘The Adventures of Pinocchio’ (1972) Dir. Giuliano Cenci & Jesse Vogel

There’s something so terribly enchanting about this puppet and I don’t know what it is.

This is an adaptation that’s extremely faithful to the book which is fun although maybe to it’s detriment at times. I like this movie, I like this Pinocchio especially. He’s a sweet boy and also a little shit and I love his design and the way he talks. His design is pretty obviously inspired by by Attilio Mussino’s illustrations (see below, right) and I very much love and appreciate that.

The animation is mostly really lovely (although rip Lampwick, the ugliest bitch in this movie) and overall I think it’s nice to look at.

I guess the reason I can’t rank this movie too high on the list is that it’s just a little flat. If you want to watch an accurate adaptation of the book in an animated movie format, then I would absolutely recommend this.  However, because it IS so book accurate, it does drag a little bit here and there and there’s nothing new or interesting in it to make it stand out or give it any decent rewatch value.

However, the ‘hammer throw scene’ (aka, the scene in which he throws a hammer at the cricket and kills the little bastard) is extremely funny and easily one of my favourite takes on that particular moment from the book.

11. ‘Pinocchio’ (2002) Dir. Roberto Benigni

I have no idea what to do with this movie so I’m sticking it here.

It’s just...It’s such a weird movie but also....it’s not as bad as you might expect it to be. Because, yes Pinocchio is played by 50 year old Roberto Benigni and the Fairy is played by his wife. Which is...Weird, guys. It’s weird.

But there’s also clearly a lot of love poured into this project and once you immerse yourself in the movie, you’re able to enjoy it for the odd little movie that it is.

Also, Pinocchio and Lampwick (sorry. I mean ‘Leonardo’) share a tangerine lollipop in literally the gayest scene in any Pinocchio movie so like?? good for them

This is also the only adaptation I’ve ever seen that actually bothers to include my fave guy Eugene (left, below).

(For those unaware, Eugene is a character in the novel that gets hit in the face with a textbook and knocked unconscious. He’s only in one chapter and is never seen again. I love him dearly.)

10. ‘Pinocchio’ (2012) Dir. Enzo D'Alò

You know...I really, really WANT to like this adaptation more than I actually do.

The visuals are GORGEOUS. The character designs are just beautiful. The songs are not especially memorable but they’re very sweet and enjoyable enough as you’re watching (the doctors rap is a BOP).

And yet? It’s just lacking something for and I’m not sure what.

The movie is pretty faithful to the book, even including some of its more obscure elements (such as a passing allusion to the snake that appears in one chapter, the eating the pears ect) whilst still putting its own original spin on certain areas (the almost psychedelic circus-like designs of the land of toys particularly stand out to me).  Also, the Fairy is exclusively a child throughout and that really works in this version.

This is a really cute movie. Pinocchio has a good balance of being a sweet lil guy and also being...kind of an obnoxious brat. It’s just...not quite there for me. But I would definitely recommend that any Pinocchio fan watches this movie at least once, if only for the stunning visual designs.

9.  ‘Pinocchio’ (1940) Disney

Some people will probably tell me this should be much higher on the list...some will tell me it should be much lower. But LMAO I have extremely mixed feelings about this movie so it’s going right in the middle.

Disney’s Pinocchio, in my opinion, is a great movie in its own right. Pinocchio is BABY and very likeable because of that. The soundtrack is really wonderful + always fits perfectly with it’s accompanied scene. The animation is incredible and still holds up today, 80 years later. It also has one of my favourite adaptations of the Cat and the Fox, two villains that I often find extremely tedious in other versions. Not to mention, the donkey transformation sequence is one of my faves because DAMN it’s absolutely chilling. The use of the focusing on Lampwick’s shadow on the wall is just so, so clever.

Oh, and Figaro (beloved). Best addition to any Pinocchio movie.

But of course it’s also got it’s cons. Stromboli for starters, whom of which I don’t really want to dwell on but...yeah. Jiminy is a useless little prat and does nothing but flirt with the Blue Fairy and oogle inanimate puppet women. I hate him so much. Geppetto doESN’T EVEN WALK HIM TO SCHOOL???????

But I guess what really gets under my skin when it comes to Disney’s Pinocchio, is just how far removed Pinocchio is from his book!self. Disney’s Pinocchio is a sweet baby boy and that’s...nice, right? Very charming. But Pinocchio (despite the fact that he can be genuinely sweet and kind) isn’t meant to be like that. Not ALL the time. So when these bad things happen to Disney’s Pinocchio, it doesn’t really make any sense narratively speaking. He doesn’t get the opportunity to make bad decisions on purpose, suffer the consequences (even if said consequences are unnecessarily cruel in most adaptations) and learn from those actions. Instead, the poor decisions he makes are born only of naivety, and he’s constantly manipulated into EVERYTHING and it’s just...not right. Walt was so terrified of making him unlikable that he ended up stripping away so much of Pinocchio’s original personality and ngl it kind of hacks me off a bit.

Also, Disney’s Pinocchio never got the opportunity to be...different. In the book he’s treated almost as sub-human. He’s beaten and used by various characters constantly throughout because ‘he’s a puppet and therefore it’s fine’ (and I have MANY feelings about this sentiment). The second he arrives at school he’s bullied because he’s not like the rest of them. (And yes, okay, there are moments like this in the Disney movie (the most prominent being when Stromboli threatens to turn him into firewood) but Stromboli is a VILLAIN). He was never treated badly by his peers and so?? Why does he even WANT to be a real boy here? There’s just no real motivation outside of ‘the Blue Fairy told me I should be a real boy’, something she told him from after the second he was born.

10/10 WILL watch again. It’s a good movie, no doubt. But there’s something...missing...Something kind of...off... and THAT is why it doesn’t make my top 7.

8. ‘Pinocchio and Friends’ (2021)

‘Pinocchio and Friends’ has SO much heart and love and care put into it and the ONLY reason it doesn’t rank higher is because it’s a show that is explicitly for very small children and therefore some of the episodes can be a bit tedious/ overly simplistic.

Anyway, this show is SO good. Every single main character is a character from the book (including more obscure characters like Medoro the dog and the Snail maid) with the exception of the pirate doll Freeda (but she’s a great addition and an excellent companion for Pinocchio to go on adventures with). There are so many little references to book material and it’s extremely evident that the creators are passionate about what they’re doing.

And Pinocchio’s design is so cute (I love his paper hat)!! And the Cricket is actually funny in this!! And the Fairy is ALSO hilarious and gives off ‘weird aunt’ vibes!! And Master Cherry looks like THIS:

This show is so genuinely funny and the character designs are so unique and SO good and I have a LOT of love for it I really do. I can’t wait for the rest of the episodes to finally be released <3