#god this is october i promised to myself i'll do a lot better

[fanficsformyfaves]

I Tolerate It, So Don't Blame Me

Loki Laufeyson x Fem Ex!Reader

WARNING: SMUT 18+, ANGST, Hickeys, Marking Kink (R Receiving), Oral Sex (R Receiving), P in V Sex, Exhibitionism, Rough Sex, Body Worship (R Receiving), No Protection (This is fictional, you are not, WRAP IT UP) Mentions of Break Ups, Turbulent Relationship, Confrontations, Insecurities

PREFACE: You were not only the God of Mischief's ex and the mother of his child, you were also the love of his life. So, it should've come as no surprise to you when his new girlfriend showed up to your apartment building, angry after finding out he was still in love with you

A/N: Flashbacks In Italics!

Loki was recruited into the Avengers and Sylvie is his new girlfriend in this A/U!

Sylvie deserves better :,(

And yes, this is combining 2 Taylor Swift songs cause it goes so well…all too well

I had just put my son to bed, when his tired little voice asks me something.

"Mama, is daddy coming this weekend?"

I look up from tucking him in with surprise.

"Um, I'm not sure"

I was...or I thought I was. Loki and I were together for over a decade and had our son four years ago.

Our relationship wasn't perfect, but we made it work. In spite of the long nights that consisted of screaming matches and the other going to bed angry, we would eventually talk it out and get right back to normal. Was it easy? No, but we knew that we made each other better people. Nothing in life that's worth keeping was gonna be easy.

Our main issue was him not making enough time for me and our child. I understood splitting his time between working with the Avengers and going back and forth from Asgard would take up a lot of his days, but we always got through the rough patches together.

You miss a couple dinners and forget some errands, sure, I could forgive that...but the final straw was when he'd forgotten our son's birthday.

Long after the party was over and everyone had gone home, I still sat in the living room in tears, after having had to put my own crying child to bed.

"He forgot. He really forgot", I thought to myself.

Just then, I hear the front door open and in walks Loki, making his way towards me on the couch.

"Hi, darling", he kisses my cheek.

That's when he noticed the popped balloons and confetti scattered all across the floor.

"What did I miss?"

"What did you miss?", I repeated,

Standing up.

"Loki, do you know what day it is today?"

"Friday"

I close my eyes, sighing before wiping my eyes.

"October twenty-third"

He takes a moment to think, when the realization hits him.

"Shit", he whispers to himself,

"Yeah...shit"

"(Y/N)-"

"He was so excited to blow out the candles with his dad", my voice shakes.

"I know-"

"Do you?"

Not having anything else to say for himself, he simply muttered.

"I'm sorry"

"It's not me you should be apologizing to", I say,

About to walk off, when he takes my arm.

"I'll make it up to him-"

"You always say that, but you never stick to your word. Look, I'm tired of being second place to your job, we both are. Do you even remember the last time we had dinner together? Or even tucking him in for bed?"

I could see the tears beginning to pool in his eyes. I shake my head, before pulling my arm away from him.

"Time got away from me, the team-"

"I don't care about the team! I care about us! Our family!", I yell,

Catching him off guard.

"I've stood behind you on everything and this was the one thing that I needed you to show up for. I've put up with your shit for too fucking long and I can't do it anymore. All we do nowadays is fight and I can't tolerate being taken for granted over and over again. I won't"

"What are you saying?", he whispered,

"I'm saying I'm done", I shrugged.

His gaze softened and his shoulders dropped.

"(Y/N)-"

"You need to go", I sob,

"Please, don't do this. We can talk about it, we can work things out, I promise, I will do better-", he tries pulling me into an embrace,

Only to be pushed away.

"We tried and nothing's worked, even if we go to bed now, I'll still feel the same way in the morning-"

"I don't want to leave-", he says,

Wrapping his arms around me, as I kept trying to push him off.

"Loki, go"

"I can't"

"Please, go, I can't do this again"

"I can't!", he cried,

"GO-"

"I CAN'T!", he shouts,

Slowly falling to his knees, as he held onto my legs and hid his face in my stomach.

"I can't", he wept.

My hand goes over my mouth to muffle the sounds of my sobs. I eventually pull away from him and walked back towards our once shared bedroom. It was the hardest walk of my life. Knowing I was walking away from him.

"When I wake up", I say over my shoulder,

"Don't be here"

It's been almost a year since then and it still hurts to think about. It didn't help that our anniversary was coming up either.

I often fall back into wondering if I'd done the right thing. Did I? Would I ever know?

"But, I promise I'll ask"

"Does daddy not love me anymore?"

It shattered my heart to hear him say that.

"No! Baby", I say,

Softly cupping his cheek.

"Your father loves you so so much. It's just his job that keeps him busy"

He sticks his pinky out, making me chuckle. I intertwine mine around his, after wiping away a stray tear.

"Never think for one second that we don't love you"

Just as I placed a kiss atop my son's head, I hear someone yelling outside my apartment building.

"(Y/N)!"

I recognized that voice. It was Sylvie. What was she doing here in the middle of the night?

"Mama?"

"Shhh, go to bed, baby, I'll be right back", I shushed,

Leaving the apartment and locking the door behind me. The elevator takes me all the way down to the lobby and I made my way outside.

"Sylvie-"

"What did you tell him?!"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Don't play stupid with me, what did you tell Loki?"

"Nothing! I haven't spoken to him for weeks!"

"Horse shit"

"I haven't!"

She sighs, holding her forehead.

"Why? What happened?"

She sniffles and using her sleeve to wipe away her tears.

"Sylvie, I know we aren't friends, but you can tell me"

She scoffs, looking back at me.

"You can", I reassured.

She shakes her head, taking a seat on the curb. I let out a deep exhale, before joining her.

It was tense. I could tell she was holding something back and it only added to the anxiety that was making my stomach turn. After a few deep breaths, she finally breaks the uncomfortable silence.

"He said your name in his sleep"

I'd never felt my heart drop so fast. My eyes widen, as I turn back to her.

"What?"

"Last night. I heard him", she nodded,

"Sylvie", I exhaled,

Shutting my eyes, whilst shaking my head.

"So either that means he's been sneaking behind my back with you or-"

"He hasn't, I swear"

"...Then what I'd been suspecting is true", she muttered her breath.

My eyebrows meet in confusion, wondering what she meant by that. She finally turns to meet my gaze and in the street lamp's glow, I could make out her defeated tired eyes looking back at me.

I knew that look. I had that look not too long ago, which meant what she had to say was nothing short of painful.

"He still loves you", she wept,

Causing me to shake my head.

"No-"

"Then why?", she shrugs.

How was I possibly meant to respond to that?

"You know...whenever he tells me that he loves me, I would be so overjoyed...but for some reason, in the back of mind, I never truly believed him", she confessed,

"And then I thought to myself 'Well, why would I? She was his first love and the mother of his child. How could I ever compete with that? She's beautiful and smart and strong'. Deep down, I always knew that what we had wasn't real, as I am still fighting the ghost of you that will forever live in his memories"

I was speechless. To hear her say all of this was gut-wrenching. She didn't deserve this and I knew that.

"I am so sorry"

"You have nothing to apologize for", she says,

Getting back on her feet, as I did the same.

"Sylvie, I assure you that whatever we had was over the moment we broke up"

"Maybe...but not for him", she smiled sadly,

Giving me a tight embrace, before walking away.

I couldn't just go to bed after that. I had to talk to Loki myself. Whatever he did to us was one thing, but Sylvie didn't deserve this. I went back up stairs to get my son, not bothering to get dressed and dropped him off at my parent's house on the way to the Avengers Tower.

I submitted my personalized key pass, which allowed me inside and took the elevator all the way up to Loki's quarters. I pushed past the double doors and find him standing at the floor to ceiling windows.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?", I spit,

Walking up to him.

"I'm assuming you heard", he says,

Without looking away from the city.

"Sylvie didn't deserve that. She loved you!"

I was met with nothing but silence. All I could do was sigh in frustration.

"Why?! Why did you have to ruin another good thing for yourself?! She was perfect-"

"But she wasn't you!", he snapped,

Turning to face me.

"You of all people should know that no matter what happens, I would always choose you"

I could feel the tears gather in my eyes.

"I tried to let go, but I couldn't", his voice goes quiet,

"Despite my best efforts and even while being with someone else, all I found myself doing was wishing it was you"

I shake my head, as a lone tear made its why down my cheek.

"You should've thought about that before you took me for granted"

He cups my face, resting his forehead against mine.

"That was my greatest mistake...and I will never forgive myself for it"

"Loki-"

I couldn't stop myself from growing weak at his touch.

"I love you. This has always been true"

"I never knew what I had until I'd lost it", he added,

"You hurt me...and you hurt our son", I wept,

"And for that, I am so sorry. I will never stop regretting the things I'd done to you both and if given the chance, I'd change before it was too late, but I am begging you now. I will never forsake your hearts again, please", he pleaded.

There were so many emotions coming at me from all directions. Anger, sadness, confusion...but also a sense of solace. Solace in knowing that he had finally recognized his mistakes.

"If you'll have me...I will never hurt you or our son ever again"

"How can I be sure you mean it this time?", I questioned.

In that moment, the God of Mischief pulled away and kneeled before me, placing a hand on his heart. I couldn't help but feel a strong sense of Deja Vu.

"I meant every word", he reassured,

Taking my hand into his.

"I've lost you once. I will not make that same mistake again"

I searched deeply into his eyes and all I could find was sincerity. For the first time in a long time, I was finally sure.

"Loki"

I pulled him back onto his feet and cupped his cold face.

"I love you too...I don't think I ever stopped"

He chuckles slightly in relief.

"That's all I've ever wanted to hear", he says,

Before pulling me in by the waist and pressing his lips against mine. The kiss started off mellow and soft, but it quickly grew heated. He picks me up by my thighs and effortlessly wrapped them around his waist. He ended up

My fingers sneak into his black locks, grasping at the roots and causing a delicious groan to escape him.

Using his godly strength, he lifts me up higher into the air, now throwing my legs over his shoulders. With a flash of his magic, I was now completely naked up against the glass.

"People will see", I say out breath,

"Let them", he grinned,

"Let them envy the way I ravish your beautiful body, knowing they will never get the chance"

I could feel myself grow wetter at his comment.

"By the looks of it, you don't seem to mind either", he teases,

Before kissing the inside of my thighs, slowly making his way towards where I needed him most. He wrapped his soft lips around my bundle of nerves, making me gasp at the sensation. I was being tasted like I'd be the last thing he'd ever have. A man on death row, savoring his final meal.

"It has been to long", he mumbled against me.

"It has", I whined,

As his skilled tongue drew circles over my clit again and again, till the knot in my stomach began to tense. I missed how easily he made me melt.

My fingers snuck into his hair once more, holding on for dear life. His own rubbing up and down my slit, before slipping themselves inside and pressing against my sweet spot. I could feel him grin at the wanton cries and moans that spilled out of me.

It was more the obvious that I was already about hit my peak.

"Close already?", he teased,

Continuing his ministrations.

"I must taste your release at once. Come for me, sweet girl", he demanded.

That was all I needed to hear.

I came with a moan so loud, I was thanking my lucky stars the walls were sound-proof.

Still, coming down from the euphoric high, he lets me down gently. Firmly holding my weak frame to steady me. Once he realized it was going to take a while for my legs to calm from there incessant shaking, he picked me up and laid me down on the sofa.

"Tonight, I will make up for lost time", he mumbled against my lips.

"I will show you just how deep my everlasting devotion for you lies"

With the help of his magic once again, he causes his trousers to disappear, along with his boxers.

His hard cock aching for attention.

"Do you see what you do to me? How desperate and needy I am for you?", he growls in my ear,

Causing my skin to raise in goosebumps. He takes the tip and rubs it up my already throbbing entrance.

"I've missed this so much", he confesses,

Before thrusting into me and ripping a cry from the depth of my chest. Without giving a moment to adjust, he began pounding into me at a merciless pace.

By this time, the sun had already began to peak from the horizon and the room smelt of sex and sweat. It was now his turn to yank at the roots of my hair, exposing my bare neck for his hungry teeth.

"I will mark you and claim you as mine once more", he mumbled against my warm skin,

As he repeatedly slammed into my g-spot. It didn't take long for my next orgasm to build, as my legs were already threatening to snap close and all I could do was scream out his name again and again like a fallen prayer.

I could tell by the rhythm of his hips faltering that he wasn't far behind either.

"Meet me there, darling. Come for me", he groaned,

As we both were thrusted over the edge. He spills himself inside my clenching walls, letting his head fall back at the overwhelming pleasure. Out of breath and well-spent, he collapses on top of me and wraps his arms around my waist.

We lay in the comforting silence for a moment, till he found the strength to pull out of me and lay me atop his chest.

"Yours"

I look up at him, as he brushed away a hair stuck to my forehead.

"Always"

[caviarkitty]

While not as celebratory as October (MY B-DAY MONTH!) and not yet as festive as December, November is a month that’s always full of promises to me. It’s the month when I usually swear to myself I'll get everything done, so I can try to relax when it's Christmas time. While my productivity levels aren't as consistent as I'd like them to be, my will to be productive certainly is. I'm definitely a list kind of girl, loving making them just as much as I enjoy reading them in magazines and on archive blogs from the 2010s (classygirlswearpearls and rookie magazine, I’m looking at you guys). So what better way to start the month and try to get myself together than by writing a big ole' list? My November Guideline:

To be inspired

On TV: Spencer Hastings, Blair Waldorf, Tanner Hall

I may have only watched a season and a half of Pretty Little Liars, but that absolutely doesn't stop me from loving and pinning essentially every single outfit ever worn by Spencer Hastings on television, EVER. I love the way it's simultaneously classic and dated. I've never been one to fear a dated style or outfits that might one day make me sigh and go, "Oh my God, that was so ten years ago for me." I guess that's my way of contributing to history and experimenting with the millions of inspirations I'm constantly bombarded with via social media. I specifically love this aspect of her style, how she wears what she wants, what she loves, but always communicates a deep appreciation for a more traditional way of dressing. 

A lot of the same things can be said about Blair. Again, a character from a TV series I haven't watched all the way through (I can't make it past the first few episodes of season 3, sorry!), who was a pillar of preppiness back in the day, and is still wildly beloved, despite having committed a few fashion faux pas in my opinion. The craziness of it all and even the grandma-ness of it all actually fascinate me about Blair's wardrobe. How she constantly projects a vision of who she needs to be. Spencer does the same, obviously, but with Blair, it's almost like she viewed every day of her life, every problem she needed to face, as a new plotline of an old movie that needed to unravel. For each plotline, she reacted as a different heroine would, and each heroine, naturally, expressed herself differently through fashion. I just love these characters she creates for herself, and I feel like I often have the same instinct to curate an outfit like that when getting ready.

Tanner Hall, directed by Diane von Fürstenberg's daughter, Tatiana, is in the same aesthetic line as the previous mentions. The movie is set in a quintessential New England boarding school, where beiges, browns, and muted greens seem to be the only existent colors. The whole wardrobe is gorgeous, designed by DVF, and the holy grail for all those who are obsessed with an old-time preppiness. While the movie's plot may be flawed, its attempt to portray the delicious whimsy and melancholy of a girlhood that tries to expand inside the claustrophobic gates of the school is genuine and comes from what, to me, is a mixture of personal history and folklorized memories. I really like the softness of it all; you can almost smell the crisp apple scent through the screen.

On the web: 2010s Emma Watson, Silly Lettuce, Eva Meloche 

I can't really explain my current fixation on Emma Watson, but I have the feeling it has something to do with the fact I've been looping her Burberry campaigns practically every day. The songs are so reminiscent of a carefree city life, going on long taxi drives in the rain and putting your hands over the steam of your coffee on a cold day in the park with your friend, wet fall leaves on the cement sidewalk. I used to admire Emma Watson a lot when I was younger, and it's nice to rediscover this fondness for her. And let's be honest, she is definitely one of the founders of the gamine community; all I have, I owe to her!

Now, my current admiration for @silly_lettuce on Instagram is totally aesthetic, and I'm not afraid to say it. Gorgeous girl, gorgeous outfits, what's not to love. I could go on and on about her style in general, the silhouettes she wears, the boots, the knee-high socks, but instead, I'll just urge you to check out her page! So timeless, yet so young, fun, fresh, and COOL!!!! 

Eva Meloche is a YouTuber I've been watching for as long as I can remember, and not only do I adore the calm energy all of her videos exude, but I also really love her travel stories and spot recommendations in general, which always come in handy. Oh, and, of course, she has impeccable taste. Even though her style is different from mine, I guess I use her content as a way to explore.

To wear 

I think it's totally healthy to have an everlasting lust for new clothes and new products. Maybe it's because the holiday energy is already lingering in the air, or maybe it's because I'm fresh out of a father and daughter trip to Paris, but recently, I've been loving to revisit my old favorites. And by old, I mean back-when-I-was-twelve old, which includes:

Red Valentino patterned A-line dresses

Ok, I know they may be a bit too young, but if you get it, you get it, I guess. With some ballerinas or Mary Jane pumps, a cute overcoat, and a nice pair of sunglasses, you'll look positively '60s. Honestly, any A-line dress works, but RED V makes me remember my trips with my grandparents and going shopping with them.

The Cardi-blazer 

So basic, I know, but I cannot stop thinking about the Ba&Sh Gaspard cardigan and Guspard blazer. I just love how it elevates a basic outfit. With a pair of jeans and a trench coat over it, it has infinite potential. I can definitely see myself wearing it to a lunch with friends, for some afternoon shopping, or just for a coffee run. I love the Ba&Sh cardi-blazers, specifically because of how cool they look without ever being an "in-your-face" type of item. The buttons are nice and discreet, and the style is put together but not excessively frumpy.

Flap Brogue

Maybe it's the Miu Miu enthusiast in me, but ever since they released the new collection of shoes with Church's (my dad's fave), I've been loving all outfits that include a pair of brogues. I already had a pair of light brown oxfords (which are my one true love), but I really wanted something in black and thought that a pair of flap brogues would be a nice addition. They're perfect to wear with sheer hosiery, a mini jean skirt, and a cozy black sweater to tie it all together.

Statement sweater

Talking about sweaters... I just have so many cool statement ones living in my brain recently; it's a bit concerning. What's better than wearing a huge sweater that screams "look at me" when going out with friends or having a nice dinner party? I've been specifically lusting over two models: the Kritzia glittery, oversized turtlenecks with animal motifs and the Zadig and Voltaire Alma "rock and roll" red one.

Statement everyday shoes 

It's so 2016 to talk about Golden Gooses, but... I just love them. I happened to buy them after quite a bit of time resisting after I found myself with soaked ballerinas after a violent rainstorm, soon-to-be late to my lunch reservation. The Golden Goose store was my knight in shining armor, literally, offering me shelter and shoes. And maybe it was the desperation, maybe it was the pink sparkly star, but all I know was that I left that store in a glittery haze, enamored by the sneakers I'd just impulsively bought. No regrets!

To Discover

Maison millais (The Eloise perfume specifically… i need it)

Armocromia

Isak Zenou

Brai (pyjamas)

Louvini

Sekiguchi dolls

[als145]

Alrightyyy everyone! Today is the second SCI post of this month

-to give everyone fair warning on the decrepit jokes I'm about to drop, I wanted to say this is funny to me, and in fact, I like writing horrendous thoughts on my body/my view. I'm not expecting you to laugh and cackle at the jokes I may or may not crack during this post but I do expect you to read this as most of it is educational. Alright now on to the post.

It's September 7th, meaning it is my second post of this month. Many people are probably thinking of God. This will be another lengthy post, and yes, they are absolutely right, but the main reason why I want to spread awareness of this is because it is a big thing! It is Spinal Cord Injury Awareness Month! This means those of us who are in the SCI community get a whole month to celebrate our worth and look back on all the things we have overcome.

The main thing I want to talk about is our bodies. And many people are wondering why. Everyone's body is different and beautiful, and yes, absolutely everyone is beautiful, but I at least want to remark on what a spinal cord injury could do to our body, specifically mine, as I can handle criticism and like my unseen jokes about my body. (Please don't take this as criticism)

When you look at me you may see the limp shriveled little ball that I am. My arms are twigs, my hands are like the claws of a dinosaur, and my shoulders/my back dare to follow the six feet-distancing rule (Whoa! Was that too much? I'll stop), but you might just see an Atrophied ball of mess. And there's nothing wrong with that, let me explain.

As a tiny child, I always looked different than my regular peers my knees would bend inward because of my cerebral palsy and I would have to use different medical equipment to get around the classroom while my other peers would be able to now I wouldn't bash them but I would look at myself worth and myself differently which was not a good look considering disabled people can live a wonderful happy life. It got so bad at 13 years old that I tried my first out of two suicidal attempts. My second one was at the age of 15. It took such a toll on my mental health on how and what I looked like in other people's eyes but when I got my coma or my injury my body had completely changed my wrist atrophied to a point of no recovery my knees were nowhere near normal and my back had curved so bad because of scoliosis and because of that I needed a spinal fusion at 35 years old to repair the damage and my body strength plummeted to almost nothing. Obviously, this is my new normal now, and it doesn't affect me as much as it did.

But I or we must talk about the vast changes a spinal cord injury can have on your body. I'll share an example: one of my friends who was formally able-bodied was recently injured on October 24th, 2023, and this had a major effect on his body and his mindset. Let me explain. Donny formally was a Wrestler and a bodybuilder. during his 56-day coma, his muscles suffered a lot of atrophy. He had many surgeries to try and repair what he had lost, he has many scars from what the damage had done to him, and he's still trying every day to work hard and regain something! And he is almost 1 year in.

This goes to show that people's body changes with a SCI, although it may seem hard, and it will be hard. But it is important that you love your body and work with what you have. I wanted to talk about this because it was really hard for me to accept my body and what I have been through but I have accepted it and often make humorous jokes about my body since that's my way of coping.

Many people will have a difficult time accepting this new normal, but I promise you it will get better, and you will work yourself into your new *still just as fabulous* body. Go out and stroll through the world. Keep your head up. And most importantly don't give up. Repeat after me, don't give up.

And with that, this concludes the second SCI awareness post of this month. Thanks for reading!

Img desc #1: doc is seen laying on the bed as her precious ribs poke through her severely Atrophied chest her precious dainty arms lay across her chest as she gives a soft smile towards the camera.

Img desc #2: doc is seen in a gymnasium. She is seen smiling while wearing a white hat and a white short-sleeved t-shirt with a pair of white and blue striped shorts.

Img desc #3: doc is seen smiling towards the camera. She is seen in a blue tuxedo. There is a brown wall behind her with many white flowers. Doc is seen beaming with joy on her wedding day!

Img desc #4: doc's body is seen laid out on the bed. Her precious atrophied chest is covered up with a black short-sleeved shirt, her tiny dainty wilted legs are covered up with beige-colored shorts, and her floppy, weak neck muscles and head are supported by the beautiful white puffy pillow.

Img desc #5: doc is seen laying on a bed. Her arms are seen laid out over her chest (she has no shirt on). Her Atrophied legs are covered up with grey jeans that have a black Sharpie mark (they were making DIY shorts for Doc).

Img desc #6: doc's sweet bod is seen lying on a bed her Atrophied chest is covered up by a white short-sleeved shirt with a design that's covered up by Doc's delicate dainty atrophied arms her lifeless as it could get Atrophied twigs (legs) are covered up by delicate brown/grey shorts.

Img desc #7: doc's dainty Atrophied arms are crossed over one another resting upon her lap with a black hair bow around her atrophied wrists (please ignore Doc's horribly sunburnt arms)

Img desc #8: doc is seen smiling as her chair is turned horizontally away from the camera her dainty Atrophied arms rest on a blunt blue pillow she is seen wearing a grey short-sleeved shirt and grey sweatpants and white socks under her atrophied legs and feet rest on top of a black pillow with white designs behind doc's floppy weak neck is a large brown pillow. On her face is her black glasses.

[smalife1234]

Alrightyyy everyone! Today is the second SCI post of this month

-to give everyone fair warning on the decrepit jokes I'm about to drop, I wanted to say this is funny to me, and in fact, I like writing horrendous thoughts on my body/my view. I'm not expecting you to laugh and cackle at the jokes I may or may not crack during this post but I do expect you to read this as most of it is educational. Alright now on to the post.

It's September 7th, meaning it is my second post of this month. Many people are probably thinking of God. This will be another lengthy post, and yes, they are absolutely right, but the main reason why I want to spread awareness of this is because it is a big thing! It is Spinal Cord Injury Awareness Month! This means those of us who are in the SCI community get a whole month to celebrate our worth and look back on all the things we have overcome.

The main thing I want to talk about is our bodies. And many people are wondering why. Everyone's body is different and beautiful, and yes, absolutely everyone is beautiful, but I at least want to remark on what a spinal cord injury could do to our body, specifically mine, as I can handle criticism and like my unseen jokes about my body. (Please don't take this as criticism)

When you look at me you may see the limp shriveled little ball that I am. My arms are twigs, my hands are like the claws of a dinosaur, and my shoulders/my back dare to follow the six feet-distancing rule (Whoa! Was that too much? I'll stop), but you might just see an Atrophied ball of mess. And there's nothing wrong with that, let me explain.

As a tiny child, I always looked different than my regular peers my knees would bend inward because of my cerebral palsy and I would have to use different medical equipment to get around the classroom while my other peers would be able to now I wouldn't bash them but I would look at myself worth and myself differently which was not a good look considering disabled people can live a wonderful happy life. It got so bad at 13 years old that I tried my first out of two suicidal attempts. My second one was at the age of 15. It took such a toll on my mental health on how and what I looked like in other people's eyes but when I got my coma or my injury my body had completely changed my wrist atrophied to a point of no recovery my knees were nowhere near normal and my back had curved so bad because of scoliosis and because of that I needed a spinal fusion at 35 years old to repair the damage and my body strength plummeted to almost nothing. Obviously, this is my new normal now, and it doesn't affect me as much as it did.

But I or we must talk about the vast changes a spinal cord injury can have on your body. I'll share an example: one of my friends who was formally able-bodied was recently injured on October 24th, 2023, and this had a major effect on his body and his mindset. Let me explain. Donny formally was a Wrestler and a bodybuilder. during his 56-day coma, his muscles suffered a lot of atrophy. He had many surgeries to try and repair what he had lost, he has many scars from what the damage had done to him, and he's still trying every day to work hard and regain something! And he is almost 1 year in.

This goes to show that people's body changes with a SCI, although it may seem hard, and it will be hard. But it is important that you love your body and work with what you have. I wanted to talk about this because it was really hard for me to accept my body and what I have been through but I have accepted it and often make humorous jokes about my body since that's my way of coping.

Many people will have a difficult time accepting this new normal, but I promise you it will get better, and you will work yourself into your new *still just as fabulous* body. Go out and stroll through the world. Keep your head up. And most importantly don't give up. Repeat after me, don't give up.

And with that, this concludes the second SCI awareness post of this month. Thanks for reading!

Img desc #1: doc is seen laying on the bed as her precious ribs poke through her severely Atrophied chest her precious dainty arms lay across her chest as she gives a soft smile towards the camera.

Img desc #2: doc is seen in a gymnasium. She is seen smiling while wearing a white hat and a white short-sleeved t-shirt with a pair of white and blue striped shorts.

Img desc #3: doc is seen smiling towards the camera. She is seen in a blue tuxedo. There is a brown wall behind her with many white flowers. Doc is seen beaming with joy on her wedding day!

Img desc #4: doc's body is seen laid out on the bed. Her precious atrophied chest is covered up with a black short-sleeved shirt, her tiny dainty wilted legs are covered up with beige-colored shorts, and her floppy, weak neck muscles and head are supported by the beautiful white puffy pillow.

Img desc #5: doc is seen laying on a bed. Her arms are seen laid out over her chest (she has no shirt on). Her Atrophied legs are covered up with grey jeans that have a black Sharpie mark (they were making DIY shorts for Doc).

Img desc #6: doc's sweet bod is seen lying on a bed her Atrophied chest is covered up by a white short-sleeved shirt with a design that's covered up by Doc's delicate dainty atrophied arms her lifeless as it could get Atrophied twigs (legs) are covered up by delicate brown/grey shorts.

Img desc #7: doc's dainty Atrophied arms are crossed over one another resting upon her lap with a black hair bow around her atrophied wrists (please ignore Doc's horribly sunburnt arms)

Img desc #8: doc is seen smiling as her chair is turned horizontally away from the camera her dainty Atrophied arms rest on a blunt blue pillow she is seen wearing a grey short-sleeved shirt and grey sweatpants and white socks under her atrophied legs and feet rest on top of a black pillow with white designs behind doc's floppy weak neck is a large brown pillow. On her face is her black glasses.

[deborahotero]

My shadow exploring Gros Morne National Park, Fall 2018.

Freeform Friday | Divine Timing

"Before you call you are answered, for the supply precedes the demand." - Florence Scovel Shinn

Florence and I are a little late, I know, I'm sorry - but better late than never, right? Divine timing in all affairs.

Although it is passed midnight by now, (so technically, it's Saturday) I've got a warm Bustelo from my local Dominican spot the on this desk beside my laptop - so I am up. It is still Friday, October 18th, 2024 as far as I'm concerned.

Yesterday I thought, "Oh tomorrow is Friday, I better get ready to write because I done told everyone I would post a weekly writing entry" so here goes - as promised. The power of accountability.

"I did anticipate this quiet moment with myself though, I really need it."

So let's see, where do I begin? I guess I can start with sharing what is top of mind, which is what I did today. I had a much more productive day off today than I usually have. It could be that this super full moon in Aries has something to do with it, ( I always feel like cleaning and organizing during full moons, ::pulls out my witch broom::) but I bet it's mainly because I went to bed at 10pm last night - a total miracle of God.

I actually woke up early enough to meditate, do a little at home yoga AND do my laundry - another miraculous event. My skin looked extra glowy, I didn't drag myself out of bed or snooze a million times - I wasn't at all hungover (who am I?) and just felt really good. The echinacea drops I took in the morning (my friend made me a tincture for immunity this season) also really helped my mood as an unexpected added bonus. I looked it up and although echinacea does not contain any caffeine, it is known to help calm anxiety.

My Thursday nights are my "Friday nights" because I am off the next day so it's usually my night to go out, to drink, to dance, to social butter-fly around town (as I do so effortlessly.) Last night though, and most nights as of late, I just wanted to cozy up under my comforter and watch YouTube on my ipad (i have not owned a television by choice for years now - would much rather read or watch educational, inspirational content. Call me a weirdo, a non-conformist, hipster - whatever you want. This decision has been so beneficial for my mental health that it's 100% worth not ever being a part of the most "binge-watched" show references at work - even though sometimes people really think I must live under a rock. I am so far out of the pop-culture loop.

It's ok, I'll be fine under here.

This past week my selections included talks by Jordan Peterson on relationships, Yuval Noah Harari (author of Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind) on the future of AI (I am officially terrified for the human race) and Elon Musk interviews sprinkled in. My super femme rebellious, smart and hilarious, The Slumflower Hour podcast and Earl Nightingale's magical audio, "The Strangest Secret" are usually on the list as well.

I am often told by elders that I am "wise beyond my years" and although that probably has a lot to do with my parents having me later in life, (my mom was 40 and my dad was 50 something - literally have siblings in their 50s and 60s - I am 38 and am a great auntie, Doña Debora) I think the "wisdom" they are picking up on has everything to do with the self-development content I consume daily.

Not having a TV also makes me get out of the house more.

After wrapping up my morning routine, I grabbed a carrot, orange, pineapple, lemon, ginger juice (my go-to) at the deli and hit my beloved Fort Tryon Park. I posted a few pictures of the view from there today - it was so sunny, clear and gorgeous. The leaves are changing color and everything is picturesque. Found a nice bench, read my 1% Leadership book for a bit while I soaked up a few rays and did some calming breath work. Trying to soak up every moment of the warmer weather this week before we plummet into the depths of freezing cold wintery temperatures.

I took the A downtown to see the Elephants in Migration exhibition in Meatpacking (posted a few shots, they are super cool), had the best Kale Cesar at RH Rooftop and hit up my friend's N Between Bar at Chelsea Market which was a dope intimate, speakeasy, retro vibe. Good music, cocktail list and service - would definitely recommend. Tempted to stop into the seafood spot - The Lobster Place for some oysters (SO good) but I need to save my coins,

Learning to perceive the 24 hours I am given each day as gifts that should be cherished doing what I love whenever possible. No rush, no strict rules, no company needed. Just a mind and body willing to be, willing to intuitively explore and experience all that life offers while intuitively trusting in divine timing.

With Gratitude,

Debs

[noxtivagus]

I'M SO EXCITED FOR MORE FF

[dianthus-sy]

Day 09. Thursday, October 7, 2021

heyylloo people. how's everything going!? I hope you all are in the best of your healths. I'm so sorry for being a constant awol person, it won't happen again.

So, corona's stable. thank god! and we're still alive. thank god for that too. The past month has been a little easy going for me, you may know by now. I've started giving people the time that they deserve, keeping my needs on a little backfoot. because all I did earlier was being selfish and dedicating myself to myself (hope you get this)

The book that was promised is taking a lot more time than I ever thought. The story's all ready, outlined, but it's becoming difficult to write it down. I'm falling a little short of time. All things apart, you'll definitely read a book by me in the future. Also, I've been working on a musical composition side by side. this ought to be great.

Just that things aren't happening the way they should for me right now. I'm not in a great place in my life right now. A lot's been happening. But anyways, you always have to keep your positive perspective up. That's what I have been doing all this while.

Why are we masked? Why are we biased on ourselves? Why do we not let the true brainly and heartly emotions out? Not doing this does not make us look pretty cool, honestly. It makes you look stupid. If you ask me, let 'that' face out that is the same to the interior. It'll help. People will come to you seeing the real you and not the pretended you. you ought to let your emotions out because life's too short to ruin it becoming somebody else just to validate our existence. People will be friends, people will love you if you be yourself HONESTLY. I get you- nobody here is perfect. me neither, but atleast I've learnt to be myself. Though, I do not let emotions drive me that much ( I have to work on that). One of the major drawbacks in me is that I won't let you even get the essence of something wrong (if at all that's happening). You'll see me sad and nagging only when I've reached a limit to the lower limit of my limits. If that happens then there's something to worry about. And, share with people. Share your deepest feelings, about how you truly are. I cannot agree to the fact that males do not feel sad, guilt, angry and emotional. It's just that they're better at hiding. But trust me, let it out. There are a billion people waiting to hear your story. I WILL, I PROMISE. WITHOUT ANY JUDGEMENTS. and I will love you for that courage. LET IT OUT. SCREAM IT OUT. ITS NOT ALWAYS GOOD TO BE COOL IN EVERY SENSE.

On this note, I'll take your leave for today. hope you'll introspect and get back to me. I will be there to listen, I honestly will.

Till then, stay young, stay innocent and stay happy for as long as you can. everything else can wait. MAKE YOURSELF YOUR PRIORITY.

With much much love and care

Ghanishthta ;;))))

[heykluhr]

Sarah @taylovessarah

About Me:

I'm Sarah. I'm 17 and currently stuck in the teen-almost adult stage right now. I'm from India, I was born in the beautiful state of Kerala aka God's Own Country and now I'm currently in Mumbai for my studies. I'm a pre-med student who's gonna be writing her medical entrance exam next year, looking forward to a career in the medical field where I could dedicate myself into helping people, both physically and emotionally which I've always wished to. I'm a Cat lady who loves cats so much. And also my guilty pleasure is to watch endless episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I love to write, I'm an old-fashioned girl who still writes in her journals/diaries about my life. Also did I mention I love reading books, a good book is my best friend. I have a thing for 7 just like Taylor has for 13. I'm a Christian and I deeply believe that he can mould me into a tool which he can use to heal people and bring them closer to God.

My Era :

I became a fan in the Debut Era and became a Swiftie later in the End of Debut Era and Start of Fearless Era.

So in 2006 I was 4 years old when I got introduced to Taylor, yes, I was so young. My parents used to go to work so my grandparents were there to take care of me, it's a daily routine for them to listen to local radio to hear the news, it was so monotonous, I felt it so boring, so I changed the radio station, and the next moment I never changed it... Because I loved the sound of the guitar and the angelic voice which I was listening, later I came to know I was listening to Tim McGraw and when they announced her name, all I could grasp was Tay...So at a tender age, whatever I could grasp at that age, listening to the radio I drew pictures, like for Teardrops on my Guitar, I drew a guitar and drew tears like rain, the lyrics which had simple words I learnt the songs.. especially the chorus of A Place In This World, I'll still Remember singing it with my childish voice, I never understood a word but now this song still resonates with me.

And yes, I never saw Taylor because all I knew was her voice, I imagined her as a Angel and I always thought how she would be looking. But that didn't take long because one day my Grandma was switching channels on the TV and I kind of recognised her voice and I asked my grandma not to change the channel, that's the first time I saw her in a Lavender Dress looking like a Princess, yes, I saw you for the first time in Our Song, she was Everything that I imagined.. and that's the first time I read the name Taylor Swift, but the child-like me Screamed it's Tay not Taylor, that's when my grandma made me understand that her Name is Taylor and I call her Tay.. and I still do haha.

So yes, I listened to her songs on the Radio and watched the MVs on TV and one day on September 10, 2008 ( I remember that because of my scribbled papers) I decided to make Taylor my best friend, infact she are my first friend, because I was a lonely soul who never had friends and you were always there to comfort me, and I promised myself I'll stand by her forever and I'll love her so much because back then for a young 6 year old me, the relationship with a best friend was valued the most...and with that I became a Swiftie ...So that's when I became a Swiftie...

The first ever album I've ever owned of Taylor and also me and Taylor twinning

Rep Era was the Era when I decided to stop hiding behind and watching everytime silently, and made my place as a Swiftie on Social Media. At first, I thought I would be left out and no one would care, but later I've made so many amazing friends. And, through Taylor I have found my best and real friends, who love me as who I am, I'm so blessed to be a part of this Swiftie Family and I wish to meet all of them for real one day.

Lover Era, ah the whole era is so special because as I said earlier, 7 is my lucky number and this is Taylor's 7th Album. Ever since Rep Tour ended I made myself believe that TS7 is my Era and Taylor will finally know that I exist. I got to know that on 16th July 2019, when Taylornation DMed me on Tumblr ( I'm still surprised because I've never understood how to use Tumblr, and I still keep wondering how did Taylor find Me among so many Swifties, I guess only Taylor knows) with a CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE, and the feeling was just so magical. I was invited to Lover Secret Sessions in London and I felt that things were finally going to Change but due to many unfortunate circumstances, I couldn't go to London. I felt very sad and brokenhearted that day but I still believe that someday I'll meet Taylor and tell her everything in my heart and that moment would be just beautiful and perfect. Then on 14th October here, Taylor liked my post and she officially gave me my first ever Taylor Notice. Also I truly believe she officially recognised my name as "Miss INDIAna and The Desi Princess" and since then, life has never been the same.

My First Ever Taylor Notice

Song that Inspired Me ( aka my Stan Song) :

So one day Change played on my TV and I loved it so much, and since I was 10, I could understand the lyrics and quite the past few years, it was strengthened me and made me so optimistic in life even if there were hard times and actually saved my life, when I thought to end it all because I was so hopeless, the last thing I did was play my playlist and Change was the first song that came in, and I cried my heart out, believed in every single word Tay sang, and I decided not to end my life and to live with optimism and confidence, Fearlessly no matter what. For me that's the song which saved my life and made me rethink about my decision of ending it all, it was like a new beginning of life for me..It means more than the world to me.

And yes, the day Taylor sang Change at Rep Tour Foxborough 27.07.18, I felt like she sang it for me, because ever since I have joined Tumblr I have been literally requesting her to sing Change, sending her messages (which I thought she'll never see) and you did...I DIED. I literally dreamed about you singing Change at Rep Tour Foxborough because Foxborough holds a special place in my heart because Fearless Tour Foxborough was the first tour I have ever attended Virtually.

My Concert Experience :

Well since Taylor has never come to India, I've never seen her perform for real, but I really hope Lover is the Era for us Indian Swifties and she does come to India so that me and my Indian Swiftie friends could see her for the first time and experience the magic and cherish the memories (fingers crossed)

Even though I've never attended a concert for real, I've been attending her Tours ever since Fearless Tour Foxborough, Virtually, because of my cousin who Skyped it for me to experience it... and I lived every single moment of the two hours and when it ended I cried... because it was her last Fearless Tour and my first... and that started my journey of attending tours virtually via Skype, YouTube and reading updates on my mom's Twitter, now it's my own Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram which still continues my virtual attendance for almost all of them since then.

Message To Taylor :

Thank you so much for just being YOU, thank you so much for everything you've given me so precious and beautiful...Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, for the past 13 years and Forevermore. Thank you for believing in me when no one else did. Even in my worst times, you saw the best in me and helped me to believe in myself. Thank you for being the Angel who CHANGED my Life Completely.

Wishing your 30th year is full of love, happiness, growth, success, strength, comfort and a lot of beautiful moments, memories and precious bonds to Cherish. You inspire infinite people like me to change the world one small step at a time with Kindness and Love..I'm just so proud of you and your incredible achievements Tay and I'm so happy that you're better than you ever was. Have the best year ever. You make me believe in the dreams that are impossible and hopefully I could make them all come true. Hoping that one day you could follow me back here and share with you more about me and my life.

Thank you so much for being my best friend and believing in me. Thank you for letting me know that you know me after 13 years ( I never thought in my wildest dreams that you'll ever know that I exist, a girl only dreamed about it) and you wished to meet me, but hopefully one day we will and that would be just BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT. I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you. And I know these things will CHANGE and I feel it will happen with all my heart. You're my whole world and I hope you know that.

I love you so much Tay and I'll stand by you Forevermore. And most of all, thank you so much for being my best friend. I'm so blessed to have you in my life and I thank God for bringing this beautiful and loving Angel into my life.

My Socials : Twitter : taylovessarah13

Instagram : taylovessarah

[rubyvioletindigo]

It's a Friday night and past 9 o'clock in the evening. I'm spending it like a loser and I'm honestly 100% content with that. I usually have plans on the weekends but I get this weekend to myself. Tonight, I ordered a honey BBQ chicken strip sandwich from Whataburger, fries, a Coke Zero with no ice (they added ice anyways but oh well), and got a free chocolate milkshake. It's my cheat meal because I've avoided fried foods most of the week and I was hoping it would hit the spot. It did nothing unfortunately. I'm craving something particularly delicious and I can't figure it out yet. But I'm not disappointed because now I know for sure it wasn't Whataburger I was craving, so that's another food craving suspect I can cross off my list.

The food I am mysteriously craving is still at large and I don't know what I'm searching for. All I know (by process of elimination) is that sushi, a Philly cheese steak sandwich, Taco Bueno, shrimp rolls, and Whataburger, are not hitting the spot. I promise I'm not as fat as I sound, I'm just a foodie and food makes me very happy.

I probably sound a lot younger than I actually am. I'm a millennial born in the 90s but my laid back yet chaotic personality makes many people think I'm in my early 20s. My nephew is 22 years old and his fiancée is 20 and she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids in their wedding this October. I don't think she realizes I'm about a decade older than the entire wedding party. It's really weird for me, not gonna lie. It feels like I'm living my own version of 21 Jump Street but it's not like I'm trying to hide my age. I own up to it if anyone asks but everyone just kinda assumes I'm in my early 20s so my age never comes up. Asian genes are pretty awesome. I'll happily be an Asian Alexa Demie, haha.

I haven't written in an online blog in years. I'm pretty sure this form of social media is pretty outdated but I'm posting on here for myself. I want to look back on these future posts I'm going to write as a fun nostalgic project. So here are some key notes of where I am in life at this exact moment on April 1st, 2022.

-I'm happily single because dating guys who can't communicate annoys the shit out of me. If a guy really wants to date you, he will put in effort. If he's half-assing it and barely trying to get to know you, the harsh truth is that he's not that into you. Don't let him waste your time because you will regret it.

-I love my job as an international banker. Three years ago, I prayed and wished for this job and it finally happened a year ago. That quote "Remember when you prayed for the things you have now," really hits home with me. I'm really grateful for this job because I never wake up dreading work. Not many people can say that and I am aware that I'm truly lucky.

-I am pretty happy with my life. I try not to focus on what I lack but what I am blessed with. My parents passed away in my mid-20s and I've had a rough life until these last few years. Those difficult years that make up most of my life are the reason why I appreciate how good things have been lately. I have a dependable car that is paid off, inherited my parents' house that is also paid off, and have what I need. Life and God have been very good to me and I don't take that for granted.

-I'm really proud of my life experiences. I've hiked Machu Picchu twice; visited the Santorini; swam in Cenote Ik-kil; visited Chechen Itza; traveled solo to Peru, Greece, and Vietnam; went skydiving; got drunk with friends on a beach in Mexico; etc. I hope to have more amazing life experiences as time goes on. I need to experience as much as I can before time runs out.

I don't know how my life will turn out in one year, five years, or ten years but I do know life is pretty good now. I hope this isn't my life highlight and that things will be even better in the future. To future me who may or may not be reading this, whether things are better or worse, stay humble and be grateful. We've experienced hell and weathered the worst hurricane but somehow survived all that to make it to calm waters. Hopefully those calm waters will eventually bring us to a beautiful paradise island and we understand the why the hurricane was necessary to take us where we need to be.

[cutecutebibaforever]

I am finally moving out 💕

When I decided to be a Singles for Christ member in 2013, one of the very first decision that I made was to ALWAYS be ready to serve wherever the Lord will lead me. With this certitude, I committed myself that I will even GO to mission fields that will be daunting and may pose some challenge. God has been challenging me by letting me experience my roller coaster stay in Dalaguete. Three years as a teacher and two years as a community developer to the Mayor. I found myself in a very humbling circumstance by immersing myself in my hometown. Service indeed is a beautiful gift.

The opportunity and vision to serve others in the mission field is rapidly unfolding.

Tomorrow, I will embark on the challenge and adventure to serve in Europe as a teacher and a language assistant scholar. I believe that the Lord has paved the way for this to be a reality. The initial "call" started rolling in October last year but the official documents from Europe kickstarted the process January of this year. As with any undertaking, I had been on my knees a lot since the initial invitation. The decision to leave was very painful but I have always envision myself serving outside my comfort zone. Staying in Dalaguete for 5 years doesn't spark joy anymore. It has become a comfort zone.

Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweights your will to please the world. When my graduate school professor, Dr. Crisanto Toledo, invited me in this journey, I was elated and was excited to step in to the unknown. For the first time after 2014's SFC Icon in Cagayan De Oro, I discerned intently, I listened closely, I prayed every night, surrendered every plans to the Lord and asked for His blessings. I am turning to be obedient to His leadings.

Following His leading is very painful. Growing and trusting in His love has become a way of life, of considering things to be in their own perspective and letting things to unfold in their own time is a journey one must embrace. Ma'am Owena would often tell me I have to pray harder, to listen to His voice very well and to always ask Mama Mary for her incomparable love and protection and to focus on His will which really helped me a lot. Thanking Ma'am Owena for being the instrument of me becoming a better person in my quest for spiritual fullness.

Anyway, I'm starting to miss everyone. Please keep me in your prayers as I pack for Spain!

Twenty-three months sure seem like a long time but it did feel like it flew for me. Sir Rydal would tell me that it is because every moment in the LGU was amazing for me- whether it was challenging or surprising or a bit mundane. More than the awesome experience in and around Dalaguete is the pleasure of knowing every person whom I've met, served and got to know. You each have changed my life in a special and most profound ways which is why I hold everyone of you so dear.

And now that I'm in the middle of packing and organizing, purging and sorting, scheduling and saying goodbye, I can't believe how God has led me this far and has promised to continue to do through the unknown.

And just so you know, I am only 6 hours behind Philippine time which means, I'm not very far. I feel your prayers for me and trust that I am always praying for you too. I'm surely gonna miss everyone. 😢😢

Together with my #Banwanggan Batch in Phil Scie CvisC (my very first batch) I, would symbolically compare myself to a star.

In the future, whenever I see the stars, I'll remember you.

Supernovas have to happen to spread energy across the cosmos; endings have to happen to create new beginnings.

Even if it's over, my LGU journey has turned out to be one of the best of the infinite possibilities. I would never be the bright star that I am today without everybody who was a part of it. But like the energy from an old star, I have to move beyond into the exciting unknown.

Don't, for a second, believe this is goodbye! Just keep your eyes open, and you'll surely see my light again.

Salamat kaayuh ninyo! 💔😭💜😘

P.S.

I will be living the best adventure in life that most people dream of having. And I love every single bit of it. I fulfilled (and still fulfilling) the promise I made to myself:

whatever path, wherever I am, whoever I am with, always have an interesting journey. Making my days different each time is my current life goal and I don't feel anything wrong about it. I do not feel unstable and I will continue to live in harmony with life for as long as I am not stepping on other people's happiness.

This is Cute Biba, signing off for Galicia, Spain 🥂😆🌯

Estoy rezando por mijores dias ❤️

¡Nos vemos luego!

Thank you Lord 💕💕

Special mention to my prayer warriors:

Ma'am Owena, Romelyn, Sis Connie Novilla, Junelyn Lim, Lara Dawn, Ma'am Apple of DILG

Nanay Tina of Singles for Christ West B1B

My Singles for Christ Family for their persistence leaded by ate Virna & Eric Abcede

Scott-Liza Sanchez & Agneliana

Bendulo Family (especially Rhenz ❤️)

The Tanamals of Silang in their Adventist worships

Ma'am Elena of SMAD

Nanay Bebie & Tatay Pilar

Alita

The Bonners

My amazing tribe I call family

and to everyone who shared with me the pitfalls & rising of what ambition is all about, it should be made of sterner stuff. Thank you very much!

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Buster

Bea: Buster, I appreciate you were doing Rio a favour but you need to go back to School, yesterday, like Bea: You've missed enough time as is Buster: She isn't ready yet Buster: I can't just leave her here Bea: I'm not asking about her, Rio can and will make her own plans Bea: This is about what you need to do Buster: I need to stay here Buster: I'm getting my work sent. It's fine Bea: What's going on here? Bea: Rio is perfectly capable of being on her own, and assuming that's why she needed to leave town, she doesn't need you there Buster: You just said it's only what I need to do that matters Buster: And I told you Buster: End of conversation Bea: You need to go to school Bea: Not up for discussion Buster: No, I need not to fall behind, which I'm not Buster: Why does it matter? You never normally bother to keep tabs Bea: Don't talk to me like that when you've given us reason to need to and you've always benefitted off our parenting approach before now Bea: What aren't you telling me, Buster? Buster: How exactly have I given you reason not to trust me? Buster: If I'm not telling you something, there's a reason Bea: When you may or may not have impregnated that girl Bea: is reason enough, no? Buster: When she took advantage of me, you mean Buster: Everyone else understands how fucked up that was, why don't you? Bea: I understand Bea: I also understand how you got yourself in the situation that was even a possibility Buster: So it's my fault for getting wasted Buster: Really nice, mum Bea: That isn't what I'm saying or what we're talking about Buster: What then? Buster: Let's not waste each other's time, shall we Bea: You're not too old for a slap Bea: But you are too old to behave like this Bea: Right, what's going on with you and Rio? Buster: I already told you why we're here Bea: Not what I asked or meant Bea: but your avoidance will speak for you if you don't chime in Buster: What do you want me to say? Buster: You clearly think you know something as things stand Bea: The truth Bea: I want to hear it from you Buster: I can't Bea: Oh God Bea: I don't need to hear the ins and outs but I'm right, aren't I? Buster: Nobody's in the headspace for this right now, mum Buster: Can't you just forget it Buster: Whatever you think Bea: No, I can't Bea: if I could I would Bea: what are you thinking Bea: you're only going to make things awkward for yourself Buster: Whatever you're not thinking, that's what I'm thinking Buster: 'Cause this isn't what you reckon it is, alright? Bea: So you're not sleeping together? Buster: Yeah but Bea: I knew it Bea: well, on both your heads be it because this won't end well Bea: I don't have to tell you how stupid it is Buster: I shouldn't have to tell you that I don't care, but I will if you need to hear it Buster: It's not stupid to us Bea: Evidently Buster: Don't Buster: You don't understand Bea: What don't I understand? Buster: I love her Buster: No, we love each other Bea: Don't joke about things like that Buster: I'm serious Bea: What Bea: No Bea: You better not be Buster: I am Buster: And she is Bea: When did this happen exactly Bea: how Buster: When did we get together or when did I fall in love with her? Buster: As for how, as you'd realized you must have some idea, yeah? Bea: When do you think you fell in love Bea: I do have some idea as for when it first started, I'm sure Buster: Maybe when I was a kid Buster: I've been fighting it for so long, I don't even know Buster: But we said it at Granddad's birthday Bea: Don't be ridiculous, that's a childhood crush Bea: How do you even know, you're so young Buster: You do know how much a hypocrite you're being, right? Buster: Shall I break the news to dad that you don't love him or would you rather Bea: This isn't about me and your Father Bea: it's different, you're different Buster: Maybe but I'm not a child Bea: No Bea: Just Bea: like you said, no one needs this Buster: We aren't going to tell anyone Buster: Else, I mean Buster: Someone else might but Bea: Well who the hell else knows Buster: Chloe thinks she does but I sorted that Buster: The main problem is that Drew knows for sure Buster: So far he's only told Indie but I doubt he's in any mood to keep our secrets now Bea: This is ridiculous Bea: Lord Buster: I'm sorry Buster: Not about me and her but that he can be the one to out us, especially right now Bea: No, I'm sorry for you Bea: because you have no idea how difficult you're making things for yourself Bea: it's you two that'll get hurt Bea: it might make a few people uncomfortable but really, not our business who you decide to bed in general so Bea: can't you just stop Buster: I get what you're saying but I do know how hard its already been Buster: And what it's already been like trying to act like we don't feel this way Buster: That really hurts too Buster: So no, we don't want wanna stop Buster: We wanna be together Bea: But how do you suppose you're going to do that if you're not going to tell everyone and live open and honest Bea: It won't work Buster: The same as we have been Buster: We will tell everyone, just not yet, like Buster: Unless Drew does and we have to Bea: You aren't going to have a choice Bea: he has no reason not to Bea: and that will taint how this is percieved, like it or not Buster: I can't make Rio tell everyone now, mum Buster: She doesn't even wanna go home as it is Bea: So let Drew speak for you? Buster: You know I don't want that Bea: I know Bea: I can't promise you he won't Bea: and I fail to see how you can assure that either yourself Bea: either way, you'll be forced to react somehow Buster: I've hurt him before, if I need to I'll do it again Bea: That's neither sensible nor practical Bea: though I see the appeal Buster: Tell what to do then Buster: If you were me, how would you handle it? Bea: You have to own it Bea: or else everyone else will decide what it is for you Bea: personally, I'd want to say before he did but if she can't then Bea: she can't, simple as Bea: but she isn't planning to stay in Skerries forever is she Buster: Obviously not Buster: She's coming back to London with me Bea: Nice of you to run that past me Bea: it's only my house, like Buster: She doesn't have to stay there but she's still coming Buster: I could hardly run it past you when I've only just convinced her myself and I didn't expect to have this convo Buster: What could I have said, exactly? Buster: She needs me, it's that simple Buster: If you don't like it, you don't like it Buster: I don't care Bea: You'd be running it past me when she was suddenly there Bea: Talk whatever shit you like we're not quite that checked out Bea: You're 18, you have no business doing anything like this, especially when your priority is where you'll be come October Buster: I have no business doing what, being in love? Buster: Or trying to take care of Rio after months and months of Drew's bullshit? Bea: Of moving her in! Bea: That's too far Buster: Then we'll go to a hotel Buster: It's not the first time Bea: You're going home and you're focusing on your exams Buster: I'm focusing on my exams regardless Buster: But I'll be staying with Rio, wherever that is Bea: Fine, it's your life Bea: but I don't have to fund it Bea: we'll cover the basics but that's it Buster: Fine Buster: I'm not doing this for a holiday Bea: If she's really coming to London then she can stay whilst she gets sorted with what she's doing but you aren't just moving her in Buster: That was never my intention Buster: I'm not trying to use this fucked up situation to my own advantage like that. Give me some credit, Jesus Bea: I didn't say you were Bea: I'm telling you to not get carried away, or try to tell me how it is in my own home Buster: What do you think is going to happen? Buster: I'm just trying to look after her Buster: I thought you'd be happy about that much Bea: Obviously I care about Rio and her wellbeing Bea: I just don't want you to get caught up in this because it's been so intense thus far Buster: I hear you but you have to understand that I'm deep in this Buster: I love her Bea: I know Bea: but you have to understand your sister also believes she's deeply in love with her straight married teacher so Bea: you and your cousin? I was hoping we'd be able to skip this conversation Bea: forgive me Buster: I'm sorry, mum Buster: It's not like I wanted this to happen, okay Buster: I tried really hard not to want it or let it Buster: For years I couldn't even be in the same room as her, do you have any idea what that's like? Bea: I know you didn't Bea: It Bea: it is what it is Bea: it's a shock but, if it can't be helped then it can't Buster: I know I keep letting you down Buster: But don't hate me, yeah? Buster: Or her Bea: I don't hate you Bea: either of you Bea: It isn't even that it's strictly a bad thing Bea: just a complicated thing, okay? Buster: Yeah Buster: Everything's a mess Buster: But she's the only thing keeping me sane through any of it Bea: Are things really that bad? Bea: I know the Chloe situation is stressful but Buster: It's not just stressful, what she's capable of is scares the shit out of me Buster: Add all the sneaking around and having to handle everything Drew's been trying to do Buster: I don't get to be honest with anyone about basically anything Bea: No, sorry, I shouldn't have worded it that way Bea: That is a lot for you to shoulder Bea: but the Drew stuff is over now, he's finished Bea: and you can talk to me and your Dad, I know you probably don't want to, about many things, but you always can Buster: It's not over for us 'cause he knows and whether he says anything now or not, there's the threat of it until we can speak for ourselves like you said Buster: It's another thing hanging over me while the Chloe thing still is Bea: That's why I really don't think you should wait much longer Bea: Easier said than done, I know but it probably would be easier than the stress of this Buster: But if I rush her into this and it goes badly with everyone else it'll ruin everything Buster: I can't lose her Buster: Not 'cause of him Bea was timed out 87 minutes ago Bea joined the chat 86 minutes ago Bea: Everyone will be alright Bea: Especially her family, they're pretty progressive Buster: Are you gonna tell dad about this? Bea: I don't have to Bea: It's up to you Buster: Please don't Buster: He'll look at me like I'm a massive fuck up again Bea: Oh, Buster Bea: Look, you can't help what you feel Bea: all you can do is work out the best way to handle it and move forward Bea: I won't say anything, period, so don't worry about that Bea: if this is what you want, then we'll both be happy for you, as long as you are Buster: Yeah? Buster: She makes me happy Buster: I know I need to handle it better though Bea: Yeah Bea: You don't need to have everything worked out, okay Bea: but you know, it helps if you can at least act it to the world Buster: Well, if nothing else, I can do that, like Bea: I know you can Buster: I love you too, you know that, yeah? Bea: Of course we do Bea: and we love you Buster: I swear you won't always have to deal with shit like this from me Bea: You're a teenager, it's what you're meant to do Bea: Don't worry about us, we're big enough and ugly enough to handle whatever you reckon you've got, that's our job Bea: Don't forget that, I know we aren't always there but we are, yeah? Buster: I do know that Buster: I just didn't always want it but Buster: I'm tired now, I'm so tired of acting like this all the time Buster: Not gonna let my guard down to the fucking world, like, what you said was right but Bea: I get it Bea: It's not a crime to want to work some things out on your own but you don't need to be isolated when that's no longer what you want Bea: It's normal, well, normal for us Buster: It's not always a bad thing Buster: I'm not trying to say you fucked me up, don't worry Bea: I'll just mark it down as another teenage cliche if you do, cheek Buster: I save those for Nance Bea: I'd tell her you said that Bea: but I've been enjoying the lack of squabbling and bitching lately Buster: Yeah, well I can't promise anything after she finds out everything I'm not telling her Bea: It's like you said Bea: she took advantage of you, and has been playing mindgames ever since Bea: your sister will understand only too well what she's capable of Bea: again, going to be a shock but she isn't going to blame you Buster: It'll be alright Buster: Whatever I have to do Bea: Yes Bea: Good Buster: Thanks mum, seriously Buster: I wasn't trying to turn this convo into you talking me off the ledge, like Bea: No need Bea: If you say you've got School handled, I believe you Bea: just keep me in the loop of what you're going to do next, yeah? Buster: I will Buster: We are coming back soon, I'm working on it Buster: What's it like there? Do I even wanna ask Bea: I know Bea: She's on autopilot now, which is good for the baby but any time I try to make her talk she just reminds me of stressing the baby so Bea: she's shutdown, frankly Buster: She's due soon Buster: Fuck knows if that'll be better or worse Bea: She feels most comfortable in medical settings Bea: I don't want to go there with how you can lose control in birth because well Bea: She just falls back on what needs to be done, always has Buster: Is she still home? I won't bring Rio to ours if you want Ro there Bea: No, she won't leave, her whole birth plan is in Dublin, you know how rigid she is Bea: I'll be staying here with her for a bit Bea: she'd already nested heavily, with his crap out there's barely a trace of Drew so Buster: Okay Buster: What about dad? Bea: He's already back in London Bea: he finds all this difficult, and Ro Buster: Who can blame him? Bea: Well, exactly Bea: but as I said, you're welcome to both go back there, I can warn him if you like but he'll be busy and you know he's not one to ask questions Buster: I can handle it Buster: You've got enough to do Bea: Alright Bea: I'll be commuting back and forth but I probably won't have much chance to check in at home Bea: but you know where I am Buster: Yeah Buster: And you can call me whenever, like Buster: I'll answer Buster: Except if I'm at school, 'cause you know, really important stuff Bea: Watch it Buster: Look after yourself too, mum, yeah? Bea: 'Course Buster: Then we're done Bea: There are more socially acceptable ways to end conversations, you know Buster: As well as less socially acceptable ones Buster: But fine Bea: Goodbye, Buster Buster: See you around, mum