#god post stormblood SLAPPED

[ferrocyan]

i didnt get to take the screenshots i wanted for then vs now comparison of tart yet but you can have this

long ramble ahead

it feels especially fitting to do from this account bc it was the first tart i made! theres been quite a bit of changes to her since then, like her hair color used to be a lighter blue, and the eyes were a darker green. i decided to change that immediately on remaking my account though, so tart now has very dark blue hair and light green eyes

heavensward was where her look rly came together for me, including the modern legend hair i won by sheer luck from a fete prize

personality-wise there was also a definitive shift in post-arr. id initially made her as a genki, happy-go-lucky kinda girl, but also decided that her background is connected to ishgard, so then getting to see up close what the deal with ishgard was made me change her to have a bit of a cold loner exterior that the scions had to wait a while to crack. just like any coerthan would, hahah. and then theres the bloody banquet. ive said before that i came up w the lore abt tarts parents before her, though at the time i had trouble connecting that to her story and character. until the bloody banquet happened. bc that plot point perfectly resonated w the themes and parallels id set up from her background. fuck yes. that was the moment tarts character made complete sense to me. then post-stormblood (the ghymlit dark) and shadowbringers (the cardinal virtues) only gave further fuel for developments in the exact direction i wanted, so im feasting, im so happy

in stormblood i thought her character was pretty much solid, visually and narratively, and then bam. the scene with lyse and her sisters dress. it brought about a very.. specific emotion in tart, something like admiration and love, mixed with self-consciousness and a sense of inattainability abt how lyse presents as a woman. and i was like oh my god. you are transgender. that was when i retroactively made tart transfem. it wasnt something i meant to do from the start but it does make total sense, so it was a happy revelation

then almost exactly a year ago i made tart into a catboy

the reasons are.. well the first look we got at the graphical update i did not like the catgirl (i. i still am not a big fan. it just looks wrong..) but that was just a convenient excuse for me to change tarts gender, bc tbh when she functions more as an avatar for me than just a character i do feel slightly uncomfy being perceived as a girl u_u not that ive ever been misgendered by anyone that knows im a guy, i just want peoples first assumption of "me" to be a man. so uhh its not rly made in consideration w tart as a character, and i still feel slightly bad abt that, but unfortunately his character development post-endwalker as a man slaps pretty hard so im afraid there is no going back. there is going forward and making tart transfem again though, itll happen if we believe in her!!

ok thats all for now, have a graphically updated catboy for the road

[sebille]

hi hello im new here (recent follower) but i would LOVE to hear your zenoswol hcs! specific to your wol or just in general :3

This is a surprisingly difficult question for me to answer

Headcanons... hm. I feel like my headcanons for Ayla and Zenos are very TYPICAL zenoswol headcanons.

Uh SO!! Zenos gave Ayla a similair scar to the one he'd have (IF SQUARE LOVED ME) post stormblood on her neck during their duel in Endwalker. :^) And now she can't see her own reflection without being reminded of him. She's super normal about it all the time every day. It's all so super duper fine actually. All good. hell yeah.

Speaking of the duel! We all know that he literally wished for her to be teleported to safety - and I kind imagine that not sinking in until Urianger pointed it out to her in the rising stones. Which kind of breaks her a little? What do you mean he wanted me to live? Why is it that the greatest act of love and kindness she's ever known was done by someone who should be her sworn enemy? What kind of sick and cruel joke is that? Why did he not return with her? Why did he come to save her? What do you mean "I traveled the stars to you" ? The romance of a lot of the things he said would hit her like a slap to the face.

She feels absolutely awful about leaving him behind (even if it wasn't exactly by choice), and part of her is kind of like...did all of that happen? Did he show up to rescue her like that? Did she really fight the Endsinger from the back of Zenos or was that like..the most insane dream ever? Did they actually duel and did he actually open up to her the way he did when the fighting was over?? (DID HE DIE? Can he die? He's died and come back before? What happened? She thinks about it more than she should. ) Did he reach out to her? Why does thinking about it all hurt her so bad? Why does it make her feel so incredibly lonely and sad? What is HAPPENING to her? (And why is this not the first time she's felt this way thinking about him???) She questions her memories a lot because it all feels like a weird dream - wishful thinking on one hand - her own brain trying to make her sad on the other.

I'd say that NO ONE knows about her feelings - she'd probably rather die than open up to anyone about this. I wouldn't be surprised if there are some who can kinda...see it - but if they ever asked she'd deny it 100%. She may admit that she feels bad for him and had hoped that things would be different - but that's IT. ( I feel like if anyone would GET IT without being told it's Y'sthola for whatever reason, even though she's the scion Ayla is the least close to. )

And oh god if he ever came back she'd not know what to think - the amount of conflict she'd feel would be INSANE. Bc on one hand - she does feel a deep bond AND during their last ever conversation she felt a connection to him deeper than she's felt for anyone else ever - and she does miss him. ON THE OTHER?? Man she know that what he's done is actually unforgivable. She doesn't WANT to miss him or feel a deep connection to him.

tldr Ayla is confused and sad

[astralartefact]

Placeholder Name for Atarase's Media Diary

Extra Entry 00a - Final Fantasy 14 Endwalker 6.X Patch Series

Synopsis

The Gang Solves a Demon Crusade

The Gang Learns of the Messiest Divorce in the Multiverse

The Gang Ruins their Academic Reputation by Absolutely Botching the Only Interview Humanity Will Ever Have With Their Gods (Gone Wrong) (Gone Blasphemous)

The Gang Does Side Quests at the Other End of the Universe

i wrote this ages ago before dawntrail came out and forgot to post it but i still agree with what i wrote so have fun experiencing some hindsight <3

How much did I know before playing?

I'm playing this game since the end of Heavensward.

Did I like it more than I expected?

As seemingly one of 5 people with healthy expectations in this community I actually did.

Except for---

Since I liked it, here's what I hated about it

Eulogia. Fuck Eulogia. Way to ruin, like, everything.

Who wrote this. I just have some questions. I want to know if you ever once thought, like at all. For your own sake, dear writer responsible for this shlock, I hope YoshiP never reveals your name to the public for you already have a spiritual nemesis that will badmouth you to his absolutely non-sizeable internet audience.

Also, I guess searching for a Pictomancer glam in preparation for Dawntrail also has made me once again aware that the designs for magic armor in this game suck ass, you know I enjoy the subdued but still magical vibe of the art design but to be quite honest I thoroughly dislike most of the armor aesthetic. How are you guys, especially male characters, maining magic jobs with only like 3 glams that aren't long, ugly and/or feminine robes, I knew it was a meme but it's really that bad.

The worst part really is that there's several dozen good outfits where you can literally see the line where the top should have ended - only for them to still extend the cape all the way to the ground for no good reason making the entire piece look like shit. pls yoshi p just loosen the glam restrictions so you just have to have the class unlocked at that level to glam it onto every other class q_q that would take a minimal amount of effort and it would solve world hunger i swear it would q_q

What did this game make me think about?

The place of Redemption, Accountability and Forgiveness in our current age and its relation to our relationship to Religion.

And just so you're aware it's not the fucking God Exodus Story Line that made me think about any of that, no, that shitty story line has not thought a singular second about any of those points.

Specific Impressions that will stick with me

As much as I hate the story of Myths of the Realm the presentation slaps as always, the raids are gorgeous and Soken does what Soken do. (I'm value neutral on the Raid's difficulty or whatever the community decides to care about these days)

The Left Ending of Sil'dih with the tea table surrounded by flowers (i think it's the left one?) that place is so fckin pretty q_q and i love nanamooo

Outstanding Audio

Basically all of Myths of the Realm except for the Final Boss theme which I hate on principle because Fuck Eulogia

hurts bc dawn of a new era is was my favorite ff14 theme q_q

Troian Beauty in D Minor i don't think it's d minor

Favorite Character

KRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILE does she count she's barely in it

Nophica with a Gun (the Nophica that wasn't ruined by Myths of a Realm)

Paper Menphina

My Hrothgar Barbariccia OC I wrote to be my wol's shard of the void

And I did like Zero!

Favorite Arc/Story Line

I liked the Void Arc, I know People are big mad about it but I think it's fine! I only think it should have been optional, basically exactly like Stormblood's Four Lords, a Trial Series with a few Dungeons in between - then it wouldn't have had the burden of leading right into Dawntrail (a contrast so stark they couldn't even have tried to smoothen the transition) and people wouldn't have expected Zero to stay immediately relevant too.

Also some of the minor-ish quest lines were cute :)

Favorite Set Piece

I love Lymllaen's arena, it's kind of simple but so effective.

The final trash mobs in Thaleia :)))

Really cool Area with interesting mob design :)))))

A glimpse of what could have been :)))))))))) HOW IS THE FINAL TRASH MOB AREA PRETTIER THAN THE FINAL BOSS ROOM

Favorite Scene

Zero giving Golbez the chance to repent.

Best Performance (I played with JP voices)

AEGISU OBU HARUONE!!!!!!!!!

every single one of the gods was great, but not all of them, if you catch my drift (get it, fuck eulogia)

German Localization Notes

If you know me you know that I think the German FFXIV Localization is better than the English one and it still is and it will continue to be. I gladly pass on meme-y item descriptions if it means that I can expect the translation to not just write whatever it feels like at any given moment. (also, as I have expressed before I can't stand english olden speech writing, thank god the german tl doesn't do all that)

--- ENTERING THE PRETENTIOUS SECTION OF THIS ENTRY ---

What about this game gives me Hope for the future of gaming?

I have nothing really to say, I'm just so excited for Pictomancer you guys, every time I think about it I'm flushed with immense joy. I didn't think they would do it, but it's real. It's actually happening.

I guess what gives me Hope about that is that Yoshi P didn't get too lost in FF16's Fantasy Realism, because drab fantasy aesthetics is truly the worst outcome of lore culture.

What about this game makes me scared for the future of gaming?

You see, there is this thing that has happened since the common consciousness has deemed that Shadowbringers is indeed that good and it's that people kind of immediately turned around to say, that actually, FF14 - WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE BAD BAD STORMBLOOD WHICH IS BAD!!!! - has always been good.

After all Heavensward had that one quest line we all liked, remember, and the one dude died and we all really cared about him, right right right???

And while you are allowed to picture me dismissively pointing at your copy of Heavensward while I'm saying this I don't actually have that big of a take over Heavensward, mainly because I'm not particularly interested in reexamining it since I'm still not over how wildly that writer fumbled FF16's entire narrative point for 'emotional storytelling' or whatever that ending was about, the only thing I will say is that People always bring up the death as this big meaningful thing that's so impactful and how dare you not care about it as if Heavensward hasn't had two other pretty essential characters die for absolutely no good reason apart from conveniently getting rid of a character that would be a hassle to keep up with or setting up character development for another.

Anyways, the problem I actually have was that middle bit, the text in bold where people feel this insistent need to point out that they do indeed know that Stormblood's story is "bad."

But we all know that. It's one of those opinions everyone already shares with each other, because it's pretty obvious. Literally everyone, even and especially the ones who still like it, know that the story leaves at least a little bit to be desired - because different from what certain people online try to make you believe most people are indeed critical of the things they like. A lot of people just don't feel like loudly critizising every little thing they have a problem with, especially when overall they're still enjoying themselves. Some people call it being fun at a party. And if you're constantly nagging, you're not fun at a party - it's not a safe space full of snowflakes, you're just a complainer and that's why nobody wants to talk to you.

It's not that insightful to see that Stormblood didn't quite do it. If you were alone with him in a room even Yoshi-P would admit that Stormblood 'wasn't optimal' or whatever he would say, he's not that stupid, he's just professional enough not to throw his writers under the bus just to bad mouth his own product. And yet there's this certain subset of people that really really needs you to know that the expansion where they cried because that one guy they shipped their oc with died is really really good and yet the other one that's split in half for no reason is really really bad - as if it's something that's needed to be said. As if it's Insightful Commentary we all needed to hear.

I will make this sound more dramatic than I think it really is, but I think the critical reception of Shadowbringers has emboldened the FFXIV community to take their personal (emotional) reaction to a piece of media as proof that a thing is good. I think some link between "I liked it" and "It is good" has been strengthened in some people's minds and some of those people have started to use that for bad by using it as a weapon upgrade in the usual endless complaining about things everyone agrees is bad.

Basically, This thing is Bad has become This thing is Bad, unlike the thing which is clearly Good because I liked it (and look, everyone agrees with me)

Except of course you can like bad things. The Game Awards nominated FF16 for Best Narrative.

And that just makes for repeated situations where people will say shit like "but it's so good because it's bittersweet" about Myths of the Realm - which, great, happy you had an emotional response to all of that - but that's also kind of the bare minimum you should achieve when you decide to kill off characters that are so important to the setting you choose a diety for your character before you choose a name. The Twelve Leaving being sad is Basic Empathy, to me that's not some kind of writing success.

Sadly whoever mangled this sad excuse for a storyline also decided to make sure the exodus of the Twelve somehow left less impact on the game world than fucking YoRHa:Dark Apocalypse and there you people keep complaining about it despite it being a cross-over storyline where something like that shouldn't be expected.

What I want to make clear by pointing this out is that the problem with that isn't that people like something that's bad actually - you can like Myths of the Realm, it's fine - and it's not even something more profound sounding like 'people become "too attached" to a piece of media to the point of being personally insulted when it's critizised.'

Because to that point I say a) of course people feel weird when a thing they like is being bad mouthed that's just a normal human reaction (you know, one of the things art is about, you generally create something to be reacted to) and I don't like how that continually crops up as a rebuttal to people becoming "defensive" over "something meaningless" (nice way to refer to art btw) as if growing attached to a piece of art is something to be ashamed of - and also b): people on the internet overstate the value and necessity of public critique. (not saying it's not important but some people seem to think only their critique alone is the sole way a creator can grow which... i regret to inform you that unsolicited advice is rarely as helpful as you would like it to be, even if it is "correct".)

I think the problem is that these 'criticisms' don't come out of a genuine "empathy" for the thing they like - unlike some people seem to have convinced themselves - because if that was the case maybe we would actually get not necessarily a productive discussion - none of us is working on this game after all (and honestly it's okay to stop pretending that somebody who does listens) - but it would be a more interesting one for sure. I can't tell you what to like (as much as I would love to), but I can encourage you to have more meaningful introspections into what you love than to blindly accept those tired talking points everyone is repeating at nauseam.

And with more meaningful I don't actually mean 'deep' it just means being honest to yourself and your feelings, even and especially if it is something completely mundane.

Because I think a lot of this is the opposite - this is people parroting common points about the thing that is popular to be part of the in-group with as little personal stake as possible - and by punching down on the out-group you can strengthen your place in the crowd, your social capital. It's bullying masquerading as 'valid criticisms', or maybe even Nerd Populism. if only we had an alliance raid series about that.

The Ramble Section where I get to actually talk about what I thought about

I would love nothing more than to 'valid criticism' all over Myths of the Realm - but that would take 15 pages of a Google Doc and I think down here is really not the place.

It's just sad to see the Twelve, Aglaia, Euphrosyne and 3/4ths of Thaleia be absolutely wasted for a shitty resolution that spits in the face not only of our beloved made-up history facts known as Lore but also the entire premise of ARR to Stormblood. But hey, at least it's bittersweet am i right

Anyways, let's Ramble about Ancient Greek Pronounciation.

I haven't had Ancient Greek in School (I could have, but Latin was already old and boring enough for me, thanks) so I had to scrape together how to pronounce Euphrosyne just so I can be annoying about it and as much as I want to say Oi-pro-sü-neh (I think English Speakers don't have the german ü sound, it's basically the same as in the french word rue) because it's much easier to pronounce, Ancient Greek makes a difference between Eu and Oi and I fail to understand how the Eu sounds no matter how many times I listen to it.

By which I mean, you can pretend it's You-froze-a-knee as much as you want, it's wrong and you sound foolish.

[alun-ura]

                            you float on her fingers, she pulls you apart ;                             it’s not hard, it won’t hurt, it’s not right for a daughter of god .

[entropic-introspection]

Final Fantasy XIV: A Quick(ish) Summary As Told By Someone Too Lazy To Recheck Exact Times/Things

1.0- We don't talk about it

A Realm Reborn (ARR)- for some strange reason the world got like, completely blown up 5 years ago, crazy! You are some dumb kid from nowhere in particular, with nothing but the clothes on your back and a weapon that is little more than a chunk of wood, or a book. Possibly just your fists. You have got 50 levels and a shitload of lore to get through until you reach the first expansion.

Essentially: you don't have enough money for chicken nuggets, your fashion game is nonexistent, and every high level player calls you a sprout and exhibits Concern about your every action (they mean well).

Garlemald bad, Ascians bad, Eorzea uhhh trying to be good but kinda racist/capitalist/pirates with a history of colonialism, Coerthas is French Catholic and in the Crusades with the dragons. Hydaelin... good? Confusing, for sure, often referred to as Mother in text. Primals bad and scary, but fortunately you are immune to their mind-fuckery techniques thanks to Crystal Mom and surprisingly good at kicking their asses. Garleans mad that you ""savages"" keep killing Primals, despite having a whole mandate against Primals and Primal summoning. Ascians mad that you keep killing Primals because Ascians are dicks. People die, there is an amnesia plot, some annoying twerp is annoyingly right about a lot of things and also you can't get rid of him, Moogles, possession, fucking Ancient Aliens Allagans (if it's a problem in ARR, it's Ascians or Allagans aight), and hey ho you go and kick Garlean asses until they throw a giant machine at you that they stuffed full of Primal juice. Such devastation-!

Then there is the slightly post ARR stuff, where we're still level 50-ish but not really into the next expansion. So basically, we meet Dragon Dad who slaps Crystal Mom's blessing off of you to build character, Ascians are once again dicks, Who The Hell Names These Things, wow Lysanderoth you're definitely not suspicious at all, and our annoying twerp is dabbling in politics and for some reason you're getting fond of him?? Just in time for...

Heavensward (Lvl 50-60)- Congratulations, you are now an enemy of the state! We return/flee to French Catholic Coerthas/Ishgard, where we get to room with our Dear Friend, Haurchefant.

Don't mind how all the high leveled players have started crying. This expansion is emotionally devastating, has a great storyline, and also features canonical consensual dragon vore as a plot point. You know that tweet that's all "Church bad because they won't let you fuck dragons"? Yes, that's Heavensward. You will still cry. We embark on an epic road trip with the annoying twerp (ft his existential teenage crisis), a famous dragon killer and sadboi, and a famous lady who advocates peace/fucking dragons. Somehow, none of you kill each other. Instead, you murder a weirdly attractive bug-man with good music and a desire for violence, a giant flying whale, and some old dudes. You also beat up the same Ascian from the first bit, again. And again, in his final(?) form. Dragon Dad has come along to watch your progress, and also check on his kids cause he's actually, y'know, the entire progenitor of the dragon race. Wow! His family is very sad, mostly. But he does like you, so hey, he can adopt you and have one kid that turned out ok and happy! Hahahahha there's no therapists in Eorzea :')

Then we get to deal with "Hey we ended your like 500 year+ Crusade and kind of upended your social structures, y'all good?" (no), something something Warriors of Darkness, something something Urianger sus, then ALISAIE JOINS THE PARTY. I love her ok, let me have this. She's the annoying twerp's twin, and she's more inclined to hitting things that politics and philosophy. She's also kind of crushing on you. Also Minfillia kinda fucks off to nowhere, which is weird, b/c she has been Important but also Not Involved with the plot for like. 8 years.

Stormblood (Lvl 60-70)- Return of Lysanderoth! Briefly. Before he fucks you over, again. And a bunch of other people, honestly. But hey, this puts Eorzea in open contention with Garlemald for the first time in years, instead of them hovering in an uneasy cold war. For the first goddamn time in the game, you canonically get your ass kicked. Hard. So hard you decide fuck it! And go overseas to Fantasy Japan/China to visit some nice people you helped out earlier. You get catfished. You meet a weeb. There's some pirates, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There's Ravana take 2, this time in a slightly more 'Forever 21' phase. Wild, young, free, REJOICE.

You attempt to inspire rebellion (since your character doesn't talk much, this is quite difficult). Garleans crack down, and hey look, the dude who kicked your ass is back! Prince Zenos Yae Galvus, as by this point you've hopefully learned, even if you're bad with names like me. He kicks your ass again, but this time we break his helmet, and wait shit is he... kind of hot? Maybe? Fuck?? He pins you to a wall and tells you to find him later, it's all confusing and prompts strange butterflies in stomachs. (Side note: as a lesbian, I am making some assumptions here. Mostly based off of how I reacted to the idea of Tsukuyomi doing the same. Mm.)

Then he promptly fucks off, and to work off that sexual tension you square up and work with local friends on Rebellion! You get help from some neighboring nomads after proving you're cool enough to tame a bird, and this proves enough to free the area from Garlean control (for now). We go back to Eorzea, and prepare to kick Zenos' head in. He's playing hard to get though, so we gotta get through some other folks, learn hard lessons about war/colonization, and feel bad. AND THEN WE KICK HIS- oh no wait. Is he... coming on to us again? Oh jesus man, get a therapist, oh my god, this is awkward for us both. Turns out he's kinda depressed and just wants you. To fight him. To the death. There is some bullshittery and he becomes dragon. Fails to kill you, so he kills himself. (Spoiler: it doesn't stick)

The Garlean Empire is now pissed off at you, and Eorzea in general. Everyone is kung-fu fighting, but oops, Garlemald is preparing to commit ~war crimes~! Someone is doing something weird, which is making your Scion friends fall into comas, which is both very convenient and highly inconvenient, cause all of you are kinda needed right now! Zenos, or something in his body, is causing trouble as well. Look, even when we thought he was dead he was causing trouble.

Shadowbringers (Lvl 70-80): We find out what's been making our friends pass out- someone from another dimension has been trying to yoink you over to them, and like all attempts at using the Rescue spell, it just sometimes leads to hilarious accidents. In this case, some epic lag, so although your friends have only been out of it for a week or two at most, they've been in this other world for 5 whole years in some cases. Turns out, Garlean war crimes are all an Ascian plot (what isn't, by this point), and mysterious Crystal Exarch is hoping you can save this world and your own.

At this point, Yoshi P, the lead developer, pulls out a gun and asks if you've been doing all those side-quests and optional 48 man raids. He worked very hard on those, you know. He put in lots of lore. Then he asks if you remember all those dangling plot hooks from previous expansions. We're addressing a lot of those. And adding more. You are sweating and nodding frantically while scrolling a wiki on your phone.

You get to feel like you're in an Otome game, because there's two dudes being weirdly polite and interested in you, but also real snappish to each other in terms of "fuck off she's mine". Alisaie and Alphinaud off-screen character development. Urianger still sus. Thancred now a dad? Y'shtola still so good. A lot of things happen, and you get progressively sadder as the expansion goes on. You get a nice, great big burst of hope and love, and then SOMEONE is a DICK with a GUN. (It is not Yoshi P.)

Now you just feel bad. Your character feels bad. This is all build up for the A) some motherfucking revelations and B) the utter catharsis of "If you could take one more step... would you?" "What, all by myself?" "THROW WIDE THE GATE"

I have shed legitimate tears over Shadowbringers ok, between the music, story, and pacing it is an Experience. Oh my god tho, all the music from Shadowbringers is so good. La-HEE

[voidsentprinces]

My brain on Post-Stormblood

Talk to Lyse. HUNT DOWN DA SWOLBOI! Speak to Swolboi go stand in a spot. Book Son has appeared. Talk to Book Son. Teleport to Ala Mhigan Quarter. Talk to person. Talk to dude. Talk to person. Talk to HEYERNOLD! Report to He’s just a Swolboi from a Swolfamily! Fly to Book Son. Talk to Book Son. DIVE BITCH! Look around. Take in the view. Get lost. How is a lake this so fucking big!?! Find canal. Pat wall. Book Son skypes you. Unlock Downed City of Skalla. PUNCH A HORSE! PUNCH A--Fuck...I got turned into a fucking...hold on...ALRIGHT PUNCH BALT--Fucking...shit got turned into...hold on...RIGHT PUNCH BALTOY! PUNCH LEOMON! Swolboi and Book Son fall through all nine floors of this crumbling underground treasurey JUDGE THEM! Teleport to Ala Mhigan Quarter. Talk to Lyse. Start a riot--I mean...observe a riot. Listen to Raubahn tell a story. Talk to Lyse. Visit AME World Champion FORDOLA! Leave. Talk to Book Son. Return to Ul’dah.

Go to Chamber of Rule. Talk to Sultana (DONTDRINKTHEFUCKINGWINE). She doesn’t offer wine. (BULLETDODGED). Teleport to Adventure’s Guild. Talk to Notana. Teleport to Gate of Nald? Ride to Notana. Talk to her. Encourage her. Ask where she gets her pink hair dye. Teleport to Black Bush Station. Ride out. Meet Notana. Reminsice about an assassination attempt. This is fun. Return to Ul’dah. Teleport to Gladiator’s Guild. Talk to Notana. Have a flash back to the time Raubahn kill men a couple dudes and the Sultana leaped over their corpses into his strong muscul--okay moving on. Speak to Notana. Run around meet Notana at a place. Go to airship landing. Talk to Notana. Lets all go to the Gold Saucer! Let us go! Let us go! To the Gold Saucer! Talk to Notana. Wait for the guy you once rubbed oil on. Talk to Notana. Teleport to Kugane. Break into the Ruby Bazaar with an axe. Fly tackle Weasel. You remember you’re here for business...you’ll be back you Weasel looking fucker. Return to Ul’dah. Talk to Notana. Pray thee Return to the Waking Sands. Break down the door. Talk to Strip Tease. Watch Sultana get sassy with Lololololololuhhhuhuhuhuhulooo...Lolorito. Speak to Sultana. Teleport to the Ala Mhigan Quarter. Talk to Lyse. Talk to a Grandpa. Run around and use a telescope. Make a dude punch a  Yabby. Make him punch a pile of sand. Report back to the Grandpa. Wait inside the gate to Ala Mhigan Quarter. Talk about how best to punish the greedy Lala and guy you stalked from the last expansion. Speak to Lyse. Fly across the continent. Land in front of people. Talk to Raubahn. Watch over a meeting. Everythings going w--

REST YOUR WEARY SOULS UPON MY BOSOM!

FUCK LAKSHMI IS HERE PUNCH AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL THE ORBS! Fordola is here! Fuckj PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH! Okay shes dead...

Talk to Lyse. Teleport to Kugane. Kick down the door. WEASEL MAN! Has seen Mr. Miyagi with a woman. Go ask around. Find a sword deal. Haggle for sword. Hand receipt to Tataru. Watch Tataru murder Book Son. Help her get rid of the body. Bury Book Son in Aurum Vale. No one willingly goes in there anymore. Talk to Donatello. Talk to Undead Son. Not even the dead want to be in Aurum Vale. Leave to the Ruby Sea. Garleans are attacking. Talk to Undead Son. PUNCH GARLEANS PUNCH MORE GARLEANS PUNCH THE FUCKING GARLEANS IN THEIR TINCAN FACE! Okay that was fun. Talk to Sword Daughter. COME SAIL AWAY! COME SAIL WAY! COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME~! Talk to Donatello. Talk to Lizard Wife. Head to Yanxia. Talk to Lizard Wife. Teleport to House of the Fierce. Ask around. Fly away to find dude. Dude is hella wigged out cause we brought Tsuyu home. Talk to Lizard Wife. Teleport to House of the Fierce. Talk to Fratboy. Fly out to Garlean Base. Talk to Fratboy. Meet Incel. Fly to docks. Talk to Lizard Wife. Welcome to Doman fucking Enclave. Get the three aetheryte.  Talk to Guard. Have meeting between Hottie, Incel, and Silent Dude. Fratboy talks. Talk to Chad Emperor after. Talk to Sword Daughter. Leave Enclave. Talk to Incel. Show Incel around. Remind him all women are Queens. PUNCH SOME TURTLES! Talk to Incel. Go to Doman Enclave. Talk to Lizard Wife. Talk to Incel. Talk to Chad Emperor. Have another meeting. Talk to Chad Emperor. See Incel, the Hot Elf, and Silent Dude off. Incel whispers something your ear. No you don’t want to see his Indie Romance Film about an artist living alone in Oregon. Misunderstood. Then he meets a woman who falls head over heels for him, even though he’s an absolute shit head. It will go on to win 10 awards at a Festival you never heard of. Oh also he’s a big fan of AYE YI YI MY LITTLE ZENOS GALVUS. Tell Chad Emperor about this.

Speak to Chad Emperor. Talk to Book Son. Meet Mr. Miyagi. See Tsuyu take care of him. Remember the time she blew up an entire castle. Good times. Woops she ran away. Mr. Miyagi must of used Roar. Talk to people. Talk to more people. Oh hey a cool hat. Oh hey you found Tsuyu. Talk to Chad Emperor. Return to Enclave. Talk to Chad Emperor. Talk to Chad Emperor. Teleport to Onokoro. Talk to Roeleader. Fly over to a boat. Talk to dude. DIVE BITCH! Pluck barnacles off the boat. Check on Chad Emperor. Fly back to dude. Watch him fanboy over Chad Emperor. Talk to Roeleader. Teleport to Enclave. Talk to Chad Emperor. Talk to Chad Emperor. Fly across Yanxia to boat. Talk to Chad Emperor. Meet with Incel, he yells something about you not understanding the kind of stress he’s under! Yotsuyu evolves into Tsukuyomi. Unlock Castrum McFlurry.

Oooooh its gonna be a long night

OH FUCK OH SHIT! OH FUCK! OH SHIT! OH GOD OH GOD! GET ON THE LAST FAN RUN AWAY! GET IN THE MOON! DONT BE ON THE MOON TOO LONG! KILL THE SMOKE CLOUDS! KILL THE SPECTRE OF YOTSUYU’S PAIN AND SUFFERING! GET BITCH SLAPPED BY ZENOS YAE GALVUS ATTORNEY IN LAW! WATCH THE IMAGE OF MR. MIYAGI FIGHT ZENOS! OH SHIT! OH GOD! SHE HAS TWO FANS NOW! EVERYTHINGS RED AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! and Leave. Watch Yotsuyu stab Zenos Stan. Book Son offers to go to Garlemald. Hot Elezen says yes. Talk to Chad Emperor. Mr. Miyagi shaves his head and goes off to Monkhood. Talk to Chad Emperor. Return to Rhalgr’s Reach. Talk to Lyse. Talk to Lyse. Pray thee return to the Rising Stones. Ponder with Sword Daughter where Book Son is. Oh he’s on a ship. OH SHIT THE SHIP IS SHOT DOWN! FIGHT GARLEANS! Hobo with a Gunblade shows up! PUNCH GARLEANS! Ah, flashbacks are fun. Edgecred offers to go take a look. Husband Material right there...now if only he had a cool coat.

Talk to Sword Daughter. Teleport to Ala Mhigan Quarter. Edgecred is back! Give the thirsty boy some water. Book Son never made it to Garlemald. Thats upsetting. Talk to Sword Daughter. Teleport to Doman Enclave. Talk to Goth Wife. Talk to Chad Emperor. Teleport to House of the Fierce. Fly through the roof. Talk to Chad Emperor. Unlock the Burn. Run the Burn. Why does this place’s music sound like the S.S. Anne? PUNCH A CRYSTALS SCORPION! PUNCH A RACING ROBOT! PUNCH THE STUPID FUCKING MIST DRAGON! There is no Book Son only ZUL! Talk to Chad Emperor. A wild Lyse appears! Talk to Lyse. Talk to Chad Emperor. Go to Reunion. Talk to Goth Wife. Talk to Chad Emperor. Fly across the Meadows. Talk to Sheep Wife! Fly to cave. Talk to Goth Wife. Fly back and talk to Sheep Wife. Fly across the meadows. Meet up with Sadu. She wants to punch you...that’s hot. Fly across the Meadows. Talk to Goth Wife. INDEATHDOURSOULSING! INDEATHDOURSOULSING! INDEATHDOURSOULSING! INDEATHDOURSOULSING! INDEATHDOURSOULSING! INDEATHDOURSOULSING! INDEATHDOURSOULSING! INDEATHDOURSOULSING! INDEATHDOURSOULSING! INDEATHDOURSOULSING! Defeat Sadu...she almost killed you...that’s hot. Little Sun has appeared! Take control of Goth Wife. KICK! LITTLE! SUNS! FUCKING! FACE! IN! Watch Little Sun hit on Goth Wife. Watch Goth Wife obliterate Little Sun so harshly, he’s now lost to the Shadow Realm. Fly to cave. Talk to Goth Wife. Talk to Chad Emperor. Go to Enclave. Talk to Sword Daughter. Teleport to Ala Mhigan Quarter. Talk to Edgecred. Have a meeting. Wink at Seedseer, high five Sultana, Admiral Wife slaps you on the ass, make out with Aymeric in front of everyone. Watch Chad Emperor drink an entire barrel of ale. Goth Wife is judging you. Edgecred starts considering disrupting Garl--

THROW WIDE THE GATES!

Aww...Edgecred is tired. So tired that his soul ascended to Nirvana. Holy shit and I thought Estinien was dramatic. Leave meeting talk to Sword Daughter. Quickly pray thee return to the Rising Stones. Goth Wife and Strip Tease go to high five.

THROW WIDE THE GATES!

OH SHIT! THEY BOTH GOT YEETED TO NIRVANA TOO! FUCK! Calm Sword Daughter down. Let her stab you a couple times to let off some steam. Talk to Guard. Talk to Sword Daughter. Talk to Sword Daughter. Go to Limsa. Go to Aftcastle. Talk to Sword Daughter. Oh hey its the Kobold from befo--oooh noo. Stand awkwardly while Sword Daughter talks about Kobold. Support her. Pray thee return to the Rising Stones.

Talk to Sword Daughter. Go to Goblinshire. Talk to Sword Daughter. Fly across the meadows. Visit Maggie Smith. Krile’s back. Grab some more Alphinaud Blackmail. No dice. Talk to Sword Daughter. Krile will stay behind. Go to Ala Mhigan Quarter. Talk to Guard. Elf Hottie is back but no book son. He tells you about the Hobo with a Gunblade though.

THROW WIDE THE GATES!

Oh...Alisaie and you are still here. Can’t be all th--OH SHIT BOOK SON! Run to Enclave. Talk to Chad Emperor. Teleport to House of the Fierce. Talk to Chad Emperor. Fly across the Burn. A ship rams the shield! It settles down. Hobo with a Gunblade comes out with Book Son! Book Son’s soul got yeeted too! Hobo with the Gunblade is actually Pirate Captain Gaius! Hobo Gaius says goodbye. Talk Book Son back to Rising Stones. Go to Porta Praetoria. Talk to guard. Walk around the camp. Talk to Lyse. Talk to Sword Daughter. Hold a meeting. Oh hey Emperor Severus Snape is here. He roasts the Seedseer, Sultana, Chad Emperor, Admiral Wife, Sword Daughter, and Husband-in-Uniform at once. Take a moment. Talk to everyone. Give them head pats. Sit down. Talk to Emperor Snape again. Make fun of his crown. It’s war! Talk to Sword Daughter. Talk to Lyse. Unlock Grimlyte Dark. Gotta say its one of my favorite dungeons. The atmosphere is fun and you get to see Seedseer, Chad Emperor, Lyse, Aymeric and Lizard Wife Flex. PUNCH SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS! PUNCH THE DUKES OF HAZARD DRILL! PUNCH TWIN GARLEANS! Oh hey Sword Daughter is h--

THROW WIDE THE GATES!

OH FUCKING COME ON! Sword Daughter’s soul gets yeeted. You’re all alone. Wait you got Krile for blackmail and Tataru for knife juggling. Time to open a circus. Talk to Rauba--

THROW WIDE THE--

FUCK YOU! Talk to Raubahn. Pray thee return to the Rising Stones. Talk to Roebear.

Talk to Roebear. Ride out to Mor Dhona. Talk to Hot Elezen. Track down you a Cid! Alliance Soliders request your aid! Fly to the Grimlyte Dark! Talk to Raubahn. Chad Emperor, Lyse, and Lizard Wife are fighting

SOMEBODY ONES TOLD ME TO POSSESS ZENOS BODY!

They get wrecked. You show up and through your power of having more than five abilities. YOU PUNCH ELIDIZENOS! Yay he dead..wait he’s an Ascian.

THROW WIDE THE--

MA’AM THIS IS A MCDONALDS! Oh fuck you’re passing out! Oh hey a Leyline...you’ll never leave again. Oh hey dude in a robe. He’s asking you out on a date. WAKE UP! Husband-in-Uniform runs to your side. Estinien picked you up and brought you to Ishgard. Wierd flex but k. Pray thee return to the Rising Stones. Talk to Tataru. Wait around for a bit while they unlock Crystal Tower for you.