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inosukeslefttoe · 4 years ago

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SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro.

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry.

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either.

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

#wonder egg priority #wonder egg spoilers #ai ohto #rika kawai #momoe sawaki #wonder egg priority neiru #i forgot neirus name #anime review #wonder egg ai #lgbtq anime

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sanchoyo · 3 years ago

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danny phantom episode 4-7 Thoughts: (under a readmore because, these got kinda long!)

-the outfit danny had to buy for dash's party. CLASSIC 2000S i cannot stop laughing. And also showing up to the party and everyone is dressed like the trio is hilarious. and further proof that everyone looks good dressed goth.

-dash has a closet full of cute lil bear plushies?? LOVE that. adorable. also his response to danny trashing his room fighting a ghost was SO valid if somone BROKE MY BED IN HALF ID BE PISSED TOO.

-technus being like 'oh smart, u should be a tutor!' then later being like 'forget tutor, be a teacher!' :) supportive king <3 I also really like his upgraded suit/design. AND SPOCK CAMEO??? HELLO??

-the music in this show is super. its so funky. I looked it up and the guy who does it, guy moon (awesome name) also did music for other cartoons like fairly odd parents, barnyard, chalkzone, billy & mandy, AND some actual movies like FIGHT CLUB??? the whiplash I got from reading that)

-sam being rich explains a lot about her, actually.

-I know the moral of the episode was supposed to be 'dont ditch your friends for popular people/spend a lot of money on clothes that arent You to Fit In'. but tbh. it wouldve been easy for danny to have been like 'well, okay, ill come but only if my friends can!' but I get. that hes 14. so. not a lot to say there.

-BOX GHOST IS BACK!!!!! also, danny sitting up and wearing the dress/wig/makeup. umm thats how I dress everyday LMFAO. unironically me. (hate the jokes that boil down to 'haha funney man in dress' tho. but this is a look)

-jazz being protective of her brother once again being like NOOO YOU GUYS BETTER NOT STAKE OUT HIS (actually haunted) LOCKER!! shes aware of how people perceive him and she wants to help :( which is also probably why she told dash to invite him to that party even tho she had no interest in going!! she wants to help him out :(

-gotta say im with tucker on the whole 'should danny use his powers to get back at bullies' debate. 100% yes. let him teach kids to fight back. making dash throw his food at paulina out of the blue? no. but when hes actually about to pick on someone? yeah! for self defense? YEAH! if dash and his friends just threw food at him, I think rather than. idk doing sneaky shit with frogs he couldve just threw it back and not pulled punches if they tried to fight. I kNOOWWW its a kids show so they are like 'if u fight back ur just as bad!! violence bad!!' but. theyre HIS POWERS. WHO CARES.

-like my only gripe is that dash really isnt LEARNING ANYTHING WHEN DANNY GETS BACK AT HIM IN THE MOST PETTY INDIRECT WAYS. whatever they had to add a bully psa episode I guess. I hate it and I hate the way cartoons usually handle it because these methods simply Do Not Work. 'aND YouRE USinG YOur poWErs FOR EVill???!' this is Not Evil. even when poindexter takes dannys body, theyre only being 'nice' bc hes stealing soda for them!! bitches deserve what they get (nothing too brutal bc theyre high schoolers but damn, if they pick on danny he doesnt need to be the 'bigger person' he needs to start biting people)

-SAM TRYING TO SMUGGLE FROGS OUT OF THE BIO LAB?? girl in middle school when we had to dissect frogs we could opt out, also, they came to us already dead and preserved...

-sidney's lingo and the fact hes in black and white is sending me. also, danny is a ghost celebrity apparently for being a halfa?? ok. thats interesting to know

-the DENTIST BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE COTTON CANDY FLOOD IS THE FUNNIEST THING SO FAR.

-I LOOOVE the trope of 'wishes gone wrong'. not crazy about the stereotypical genie, or the use of the dreamcatcher looking design. (also, I KNOW theyre scientists but the way theyre handling a cold...are the fentons ANTIVAX)

-the genie. she. whitewished paulina. JKASDFHKJ. (the ghost literally just being hello kitty???? im dying) 'why do i feel that im special and wonderful? because I AM! <3' paulina ilu self worth queen. felt bad for her also getting possessed by (2) boys later who were arguing INSIDE HER. WTF.

-imagine being the guy trapped in his now flying car. he thought danny and tucker were HALUCINATIONS. imagine being trapped in a flying car with two, what you think are imaginary arguing 14 year olds convinced ur gonna die. i WOULD say this dude is gonna need so much therapy, but he seemed totally fine and excited when they landed (I would be happy too if a chicken was on my head. chickens rule) stoner rights

-sam's bat slippers??? iconic. SO cute.

-I think desiree's backstory is so :( do all ghosts have messed up sad backstories?? poindexter's was sad too...cannot imagine box ghost has any kind of fucked up backstory. but what if. his mom got pushed off cliffs by boxes...........a la cruella... anyway her 'no man may lay a hand on me' iconic. ilu

-I know danny has no concept of how much bras cost but my god dont attack tucker with some girls bra. those are so expensive.

-its really. well its not a GOOD THING he went into the portal and got fucked up, but its good danny was the one to do it rather than sam or tucker. because even tho he was being influenced by desiree and kept getting more malicious and it prob wasnt 100% him...he sucked as a ghost like most the people he 'pranked' were innocent ppl just Chillin and he didnt want to help anyone at all. I think danny is the most responsible out of them but also, hes 14 and shouldnt HAVE to feel obligated to fight every ghost. hes a good kid and wants to, but I also feel like he feels like...responsible for the portal turning on?? because his parents did give it up,, but it was an accident and not his fault (if anything, why was the on switch on the inside. why was it that easy. why was there no safety measures. that seems like smth OSHA needs to hear about). like thats my son. hes a good boy. and hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever. if anyone hurts him im killing everyone in this room and then myself. etc.

-danny's curfew is 10PM????? DUDE. when I was 14...shit I couldn't be out that late, I had to be back at like, 8 at the latest, and my parents had to know exactly where and who I was going with, AND i had to call/text them regularly...is this a case of my parents being overbearing, or the fentons sucking??? the only time i could EVER be out that late was if I was at an overnight sleepover or smth...

-the vultures have lil fezes. why do they have fezes...theyre so fuckin funny 'ask him for directions' 'I KNOW WHERE IM GOING' these ghost vultures are my new grandpas. pick them up, put them in the adopt box.

-'I wonder why those guys were trying to waste dad!' THEYRE GHOSTS. YOUR DAD HUNTS GHOSTS. why is that not a conclusion you'd immediately jump to??

-*jazz voice, clearly disgusted* WISCONSIN???

-mrs fenton with the lab coat and leg warmers and PERM. YESSS STYLISH.

-was going to say 'ew billionaire' @vlad but. super valid he used his powers to assumedly steal and cheat to get that money, thats how all billionaires do it! but ew hes a SIMP. and spending your billions on FOOTBALL STUFF?? you are Not Valid overall. I DO respect the fact you have a castle instead of a mansion. in wisconsin. if youre going to be stupidly rich might as well go all out, torches on the wall and all. I DO like his ghost form's little kitty ears. catman. and his cape! every design can benefit from a cape. and how different his forms look, like danny looks the EXACT SAME IN BOTH FORMS ASIDE FROM COLOR CHANGES. vlad's is like,, I could believe they were different people!! also I love the drama. but dude you are fighting a 14 year old. lame. also he was like, telling danny he wanted his mom and him and like, wanted him to renounce his dad?? WHAT ABOUT JAZZ?? bitch. those r MY kids and they are both important and special. I do agree they need better parents but thats not u sir <3

-I thought vlad's 'little badger' nickname for danny came from the football mascot of the packers, but google says they have NO MASCOT?? so now I'm like?? is it because his hair is sometimes black and sometimes white?? I hate to give him props but thats a PERFECT NICKNAME. theyre also tiny and vicious!

-why did I get so excited that Skulker is back!! its been like. 2-3 eps LMAO. AND THE DAIRY KING. ICONIC I LOVE HIM. hes the nicest guy ever :) more nice ghosts please. danny cannot be fighting alone everytime with no ghost buds like every ghost being hostile sucks :(

-mr. fenton knew vlad was controlling him, but a few episodes ago he had no clue danny was doing the same thing...is it something about how malicious the ghost is?? he just seemed to think his memory had gaps the first time, this time he was INSTANTLY LIKE 'GHOST'. then again in this ep when danny did it again he was just slightly confused but not immediately freaking out like he did with vlad possessing him!!

-'my parents will accept ME NO MATTER WHAT' so. so why haven't you come out to them yet, danny?? if you really think that?? if theres no harm, and you're sure??? if vlad is a real problem, wouldnt that make dealing with him easier, to expose him???? SO WHY HAVENT YOU COME OUT YET?? COULD IT BE,, MAYBE YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY WILL ACCEPT YOU??? 🤔 ... 🏳‍🌈 I get why people say He Is Trans. I totally totally get u danny.

-sorta unrelated, but it just occurred to me in one of these eps they go to casper HIGH not casper middle school??? theyre 14?? dont highschools usually do ages 15-18? (I didnt go to hs so I might be wrong, if I am ignore this...) freshmen are usually 14-15, could just be a case of them not turning 15 yet but they will sometime in the school year (I say they because tucker said he was 14 too)? I know the show has 3 seasons, so by the end of it will they be older? thatd be neat but usually cartoon characters stay the same age...I love shows where you can see the characters age and grow up, though...three seasons seems like a long time to spend on like, 1 year...

#sanchoyorambles #danny phantom #me on the first post:#its not a liveblog!#me this time: it kinda is. but not in the same format as my tmm one #i like doing one post for a handful of eps bc it saves time #and crowds my blog less #and also i just like talking abt what im watching lol #dp thoughts

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yhellowmil28 · 4 years ago

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Closure

My last letter to you..

I felt the need to do this so I can finally get the closure I wanted. I left unexpectedly bc I avoided confrontation about the problems in our relationship internally. I left because i knew if we stayed friends, we wouldnt have the same mutual feelings for each other anymore. I felt the more i stayed the more you were hoping i would still feel the same. But i didnt. The harshest reality is that our breakup was a slow burn. Overtime my feelings slowly disappeared and never came back. I dont know when it started but one day i woke up saying i dont wanna feel this way anymore and i started living by my word. There was a line where my heart had to stop loving and breaking bc i don’t know how many times i can put it back together again. Sorry if naconfused kta when i went back and forth on you. That pinaasa kta back then. Idk if i ever promised you anything but if i did im sorry i cant follow through with it. I realised maybe its time for me to believe and accept who you are and what your decided to do. Even though i didnt like it at least you were honest about it. Youre honest that youre unable to love me the way i needed to. You see I had an idealisation of you. I romanticised the love that i hoped for and your unwillingness to work for that was my perfect answer. So im sorry i can not reciprocate your feelings anymore. I had reasons to let go of you. I hope you understand my boundaries now and that what i had to offer doesnt come easy. Ethan, not every woman will correspond to your own time and healing. Not every woman will love you on your terms. Not every woman will wait and give you another chance pow. Thats on you and how youll take that responsibility. I have outgrown u in that and thats enough for me to let go. Im not gonna spend days waiting for you to recognise my worth and value.. that got me tired the first time round.

I reread your letters one day and i felt like you described how much i meant to u based on how i loved you unconditionally. But you still were holding back from change bc you thought i was never going to forgive you. Ethan im not gonna keep telling and emphasising how much i appreciated you. Ive reminded you that countless times in every letter and if it still left you wondering if i ever loved you back then you need a reality check. You cant love someone when you cant even love yourself first. You sought after my validation and love. You were never whole in the beginning. Maybe the next time you get into a relationship youll learn how to establish your boundaries and know your value and worth more. Bc recognising that will let you see the treatment people give you.

I went to church for nine days for Sto Nino. And recently on the eight day novena the priest talked about forgiveness. It made me remember during the time that we tried being friends and i remember still feeling deeply hurt by what you did to me and my friends. I never seemed to think about it until i heard his message. He said, “As humans we tend to be driven by our emotions. Only when we forgive can we receive God’s grace and peace. We run by this whenever others try to attack us by vile words and offence.” And i suddenly remembered crying as my hatred grew for you and i pushed the blame on you. Sa totoo lng i also have a fault in it. But instead i didnt want to hold accountable for it. I realised that i was not truthful to myself. I ignored and let my feelings got the best of me. And for that i do sincerely apologise. Sometimes we think people are undeserving to be forgiven due to the consequences they burdened you. (Come to think of it ayoko maging accountable for my own fault bc i didnt know how to fix the problem. And the problem made me very vulnerable. But i had to accept my wrong. I had to face them whether i liked it or not and own up my mistakes.) Though it's difficult it's not the matter of how much forgiveness they deserve but more of how much joy, happiness, and peace you really want in your life. And it's up to you if you're willing to let that go or hold on to it. So i forgive you ethan. It was hard to understand you at first but i realised that overtime the weight of pain does subsequently lighten up. And i dont hold anything against you at all. I dont hate you. Bc first, i got my answer and second its not your fault you didnt do what i needed you to do.

Not all the time everyone will love you for what you give. Your 100% in the relationship may differ from others but that doesnt mean you cant work on areas where you need to. Love is not linear. It is uncomfortable, unbalanced and everyday is a commitment. But if it doesnt benefit you anymore you have every right to leave. Im sorry for leaving you hanging like that but you knew what had to be done to let both of us heal. This was not my battle to fight. When i endured the pain, I thought i couldve done that alone. But i was forcing myself into something that wasnt for me. It takes two people for a relationship to work and sadly i felt like i was the only one trying. I learned that the hard way and with that there were shitty consequences. I failed to take accountability and blamed it on you and for that again i sincerely apologise. I may have worsen your trauma but you should know yourself and not let it define you. Oo makapal tlaga yung mukha ko. But where would i be if i let others opinion get the best of me. After what i did to my friends i still have more lessons to learn. One is that im not perfect. Ive committed many sins and mistakes that ive regretted since idk birth which left a hole inside of me. And God sees that im not perfect. It does not excuse me from being accountable for my actions but whats enlightening is that God has never judged me for my decisions in life. He has never abandoned me through every step of my journey regardless if ako yung kusang lumalayo. He sees through my flaws and impurity. And he healed me. The parable of the leper. Just watch this when you have time.. in day 3 it spoke a lot about Gods love for us. https://youtu.be/8KDz2VG8tUQ ...when i dont let myself be defined by my own problems and issues, it made me a stronger person.

But for now im gonna prioritise myself. And slowly gain back what i lost in the process of losing myself. As selfish as it may sound i dont feel the need of anyone to complete me. I am complete by myself and im happy. I could care less what you think what others will think as long as i know myself and i know what im capable of. For now i will keep my head up and heart open to those that deserve it. I wish you the best in life, ethan. I hope you still know that i care for you. I still have the same respect for you as a person.

You can reach out to us for anything. Well be here to support you if youre willing. Im okay, ive gotten over it and ive grown from this experience. I have so much to learn from myself and for now i need to focus and grow by myself. I pray everyday that you will heal and continue to seek for growth. I hope you dont condemn to what others made you believe. I hope that watever lofe throws at you youll still learn how to be kind. I hope you will find the wisdom and truth that God shows within our lives. I pray that whatever that is bearing upon your shoulders would soon be lifted up by the Lord. I hope you would allow yourself to forgive those who have done you wrong, and not hold on to the past and let it define you. I wish God would enlighten you with the wisdom of forgiveness and peace as He had forgiven us for our sins. Your identity is in him.

Ephesians 4:31-32; "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Amen. Thank you for your time. Have a good day.

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forethan21 · 4 years ago

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Amen. Thank you for your time. Have a good day.

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timesababy · 4 years ago

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I feel like I believe myself to be this inferior being. Deep down inside I know I'm different and I feel inferior. Like I dont fit in. Like maybe i never will. Like nobody could ever understand me or like me.

Alone. I am a horrible person. I am pathetic. I don't deserve to be loved, appreciated, understood... but it's all I've ever wanted really. Happiness. A chance to go to heaven. If god is real he fucking hates me. I literally ripped up his stupid fucking book once.

"I have faith in you, kiddo."

"Yeah I can see that, its true, you do work hard!"

"Maybe you should take a break? You've been there for hours."

"From now on you eat, sleep, breathe, and and drink polynomials."

"But your empathy is part of what makes you YOU! Your emotional experience is unique to YOU!"

"Don't feel bad for being human"

"But... you were in the right. You didn't do anything wrong. I would've done the same."

"You aren't as bad as you think you are. Look at me. You're a good boy. I know that. You're just a bit misunderstood."

"Hey. Just breathe, alright? Theres nobody there. You're safe. Trust me."

"Haha did you just flinch? Do you get abused or some shit? Pussy."

"You're so fucking fat."

"Why aren't you eating?"

"If you eat all that, you have to exercise later."

"YOU BETTER NOT BE FUCKING CUTTING IN THERE"

"Crying doesnt fix anything"

"Stop saying sorry"

"STUPID FUCKING CUNT HOLY SHIT JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME GODDAMNIT I HATE YOU"

"I know what you're trying to do."

"What's wrong with being a woman?"

"Why do I have to fucking feed you?"

"You need to grow the fuck up"

"I dont know what you're trying to do there but you're not a little kid anymore."

"Did you gain weight or something? Your legs look fatter now."

"Stop clicking your pen."

"Satanic d*ke" "fucking faggot" "what are you, a tranny?" "Look guys, its angry" "weirdo he-she" "shemale" "I'm going to wait for him to come out so I can have a word with him"

"I'm not giving them back. Either you come with me or you dont get your glasses back."

"GET OFF HIM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"We're so sorry about his behaviour."

"You cant leave your sketchbook on the table and except people NOT to open it up"

"A few concerned teachers have reported seeing what appears to be self harm scars on your forearms"

"We found a few disturbing passages of writing in your sketchbook."

"I'm sorry, okay?"

Fuck, it just doesnt cut it

I'm just so insanely damaged. I feel like it's an inherent part of me, that I'm fucking broken. You broke me. Now what? You break your toy but it's okay. I was your least favourite one anyway. You move on to another. Do you have any idea how hard it is to live broken? To inhale and exhale shards of glass? To be always misunderstood, always hated, never appreciated, always judged, never loved, always berated, never consoled. From birth.

My mistreatment at the hands of adults, my feeling of abnormality, of alienation within society, its led me to yearn for what I never properly had. A good fucking upbringing. To be cared about. For my emotions to be cared about. To be LISTENED to when I talked.

It's too late now. What I want I can never fucking have. That's how you broke me. You took that away from me.

Yknow, I'm a sad, pathetic little human being. Just another worthless faggot. Cant believe I ever let anyone hype me up, telling me that I could do it, that one day I'll light the match.

Because that's the kinda person i am. I'm meant for lighting the fcuking match it's my destiny.

Either it was that or suicide.

[ ] But it almost feels worse when I do badly... because how tf will I light the match when this is my math grade? All I want is peace and love and shit like that yes I am softboy uwuw whatever I am. I'm basically a little baby

[ ] And i do need to be taken care.of STILL

[ ] I'm tired of being used and lied to and broken and replaced.

They think highly of me... all of a sudden. It's like people are finally realizing hey, maybe I shouldn't have stomped all over this kid... damn it's too late, I bet if I'm a bit nicer he'll forgive us.

This is suspicious behaviour on part of my parents and

.... I dont know, I just dont view authority figures and adults to be the ones to believe in me. That's never fukcing happened before.

Its almost like in a sappy coming of age movie.

I dont care If you had it harder my trauma is valid too because it hurt me badly.

It left long lasting effects and behavioural issues, I've made bad decisions and put myself in danger because of it.

I'm sitll healing. It's been forever.

I wonder how sorry they are for how they treated me. Rejected me. Made me feel like I was alone and nobody loved me.

McDonalds car.

I can go on and on.

I wonder how sorry my dad is for going off at me like that. I hope it plauges him while he tries to sleep. I hope he cant stop feeling guilty. I'm in pain.

It's weird cos I'm not used to it but.its good. I cried at that because it.meant someone could see the sparks in my eyes when I cried over the bird. It's all I want.

It proabbly doesnt plauge him. He stands by everything he said. He hates me.

I just wish i couldve been raised knowing what love meant.

I feel like i still havent forgiven myself for what i did even though everyone else did.

They arent scared of me. They dont dislike me. In fact, they love hanging out with me.

I dont think i scarred them.

But.

Theres always the possibility. Theres always the possibility that it's being hidden.

And I will never forgive myself.

I like to think that other people would be understanding. But I have to take this to the grave. Everyone would hate me if they knew. Of course they wouldnt understand the many factors that could cause a child to try that.

I'm crying again. All I ever needed was a caring guardian who would appreciate me and love me and listen to me and help me and NEVER reject me and allow me to Express myself and my emotions and instead I got years of repression. Just a tomboy.

Ntohing more. Anything more and we hate you.

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survivor-kuwait · 5 years ago

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Episode 14 - “Maybe i should be careful what I wish for nxt time” - Owen

youtube

What the motherfucking ass shit was that. Who in their right mind would let it slip so that Ian/Devon would play an idol. And then Matt playing the idol, first of all wtf I didn't know he had an idol. But god damn that was messy. I'm shook that Maynor and I didn't get any votes in the revote, but wow that paints a target on our backs which is the last thing I want. It makes me feel great about where I'm at with the people I've been talking to and even those outside the alliance. So this is both good and bad but wow messy. Ahhhh I still don't know how to feel, but if that revote tied then maynor and i would've gone to rocks and been out since it would only be us and yeet there I go.

I feel super shitty for doing that to Corey. I don't even know if it was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to have to use my tiebreaker yet and if it had tied I was not about to let Timmy/Maynor go home. I never wanted to turn on Corey in this game but the way this merge has turned out ugh idk. I had to make a choice and I had to choose the group of people I feel comfortable with over the group of people I'm only tied to because of Corey. It was shitty all around. I'm sorry Corey, I know you're going to be mad at me but asdfkjhf fuck i love u :((( god im shit. okaythat was actually kind of crazy tho and I'm honestly a little happy it went down like that? two idols OUT OF HERE! and that ian idol couldve been so fucked up later on. matt's idol gone got me happy af too. I feel closer with timmy and maynor after this round and hopefully matt knows he cann trust me for not blowin up on him about his HIDDEN IDOL!!!! madison and I got closer a little this vote too. I'm glad she was on the same page as me. It's a little awkward to deal with the aftermath of devon and ian. especially with corey or cullan coming back.... cullan I can deal with but corey not so much. thats gonna suck. i still got my idol i still got my tiebreaker and a threat is still leaving either way. but now when the pieces rearrange next vote I gotta work hard to pull them together in my favor. kjDFHSKJSF goooooooooooooooooooooooood idk. that wa swild. i said at tribal that the game was gonna blow up soon. maybe i should be careful what I wish for nxt time lmao

Oh... WIG guess this tribal popped the hell awf. At the time of my last confessional I had no intention of playing my idol, but things were just so tense and quiet that I knew it should be done, but boy did I not know how badly it needed to be. Now I’m more scared than ever with like 3 pissed off people and all the eyes on me for having a secret idol. Guess it’s time for everyone to stop playing quiet, easy games, and time to go the heck crazy.

Annnnnd that was the worst possible outcome from that round. I inadvertently idol'd out my closest ally. My game could potentially be over, this very well be my first ever double digit placement in the 9 orgs I have played, but if I'm going out then it's not before I do the only move I got left. I've shared all my information I have been sitting on about Owen/Kait and by extension Matt, how they are aligned with Thomas and Madison. All I can do is let the others make informed decisions on how they think this game can be played best for them. If they choose to let the power team continue to run it for them then that's their prerogative. It's all I have left. At the very least I didn't go home with an idol in my pocket and I didn't burn it without needing to use it.

So last night, I wanted to die after the votes became 0-0. Me and Timmy had a 1/3 shot of going home but we some how managed to get zero votes against us. I felt really bad about voting for Corey. He was someone i really liked and was working with but we got to different sides. Now ian has some interesting info that Owen and Kait are part of an alliance with Thomas & Madison and also had devon and corey. Idk which side they are most loyal to because they sided with us this time but they could easily flip to other side if they wanted to. I need to keep an eye on them thats for sure.

---

What the hell, 11 idols in play!? Like this twist is crazy. I want and need to find my idol. There is no excuse. I really need it to make sure im here after tribal. Like idk care who its getting votes as long as im safe.

I have so many feelings on this immunity challenge. Mainly I'm pissed because I don't have an idol clue because I got second so technically I didn't bite Chips so he didn't get a clue for me which sucks because like people like me I guess so I'm pretty much punished for that. As a result it could be easy to vote for me since I have a disadvantage in finding my idol since I don't have the clue. I'm scared because of that since what I learned after last tribal is spicy (and i'll make another confessional about that tomorrow) so I don't even know what to do at tribal and I'm just hoping it's not me. But I didn't give Thomas his clue so hopefully that will help me since he won't know where to look either so that's an advantage for me because I have absolutely no reason to give him his clue, we don't talk. I'm not going to help someone else while subsequently actively hurting myself. At times I also want to try looking at spots for other people to try and get their idol so I know that they won't have it...but that's just a maybe.

---

I’m heated and I can’t even do much about it because of the nature of this round. Kait, Owen, and Matt think their sitting so pretty and I’m fucking sick of it. Here I thought I was doing well and hearing shit about them and now seeing it first hand is ridiculous. Owen is kind of slipping up with that trio and here’s why. Owen told me that kait and Matt found their idols, so I messaged both of them asking how their hunt is going. Kait hasn’t answered yet but Matt says “If I get up at 9am and guess every hour I’ll find it” because he’s “figured out the math”. Bitch i already know you have it and now you’re just lying to my face. Like we’re in an alliance together but I guess that doesn’t mean shit to you. I’m assuming Owen even probably has his idol and is lying to me. I feel so stuck because i can’t make a move this round due to the idols, but I’m probably going this round due to not having a fucking idol clue because of the bullshit this challenge was.

---

OH OH KAIT JUST ANSWERED “no luck lol I suck” WOWOWOW AND SHE HAD EVEN SAID SHE WOULD HELP ME FIND MINE. Fucking fake people i can’t stand them.

THIS WHOLE IDOL THING GOT ME CRACKT OUT MY MIND LMAOOOOOO HSKSHDJDJDHD FORST OF ALL!!!!!!! I hate that tommy gave immunity to chips and not Timmy. Why wouldn’t tommy pick someone more likely to give him his clue????? Ugh. SECOND OF ALL. Literally fuck madison and Maynor for giving Devon and Ian their clues. What the fuck were they actually thinking !?!?!?!? Everyone with a clue is gonna find their idol unless they’re stupid or someone else finds it first so like.... idk I genuinely don’t get it. I think Maynor just wasn’t thinking and madison was tryna be social with Devon idek. I’m mad about it and it makes me want madison outta here. Not Maynor tho bc he’s precious and I luv him. Third thing why does Devon think I’m going to believe any guess he sends me nnnnnnn like he sent me matt and Kait random coordaintes that apparently weren’t it. I replied to Devon being like ‘e9 is miss too hehe’ and then realized I shouldn’t tell him where I’m searching and panicked and sent ‘omg typo meant r9 oops!’ Hskshdjdjdh Fourth KAIT FOUND MT IDOL SHSHDHD AND THEN WOULDNT GIVE UT TO ME AND I ACCIDENTSLLTNPOSTED ABOUT IT IN THE TEIBE CHAG AND KEPT IT THERE FOR A MINUTE IM SO STUPID. Literally started crying after. I’m like I can’t velieve I did that but if only my roommate hadn’t woken me up singing I’d still be ASLEEO RN AND NOT FUCKING UP. Or if Kait had just Given ME!!!! Oh my god like I’m rlly embarrassed and if they didn’t know Kait and I were tight before they sure do now! Tommy and Timmy are the only ones without clues. It’s kinda fucked that chips didn’t get a clue for Timmy grrrr. I rlly don’t want either of them to go but if I gotta I guess it needs to be Thomas. But I can tell Kait wants thomasnto stay....

---

God I love when the dumb bitch disease flares up

Having idol make me happy, but I’m probably gonna end up losing a number, that being either Thomas or Timmy. I can’t even figure out who I want to go out of those two and I hope maybe Ian doesn’t have his? It’s very strange trying to come down from the last vote without really having the chance to vote anyone besides who’s available.

Honestly this challenge probably could not have come at a better time, just about everyone has their idol so people feel more free to talk since we're all "safe" but if Timmy goes instead of Thomas my game could still be in trouble. The beauty of this round for me is that I planted the seeds about Owen/Kait/Madison/Thomas alliance before the challenge even began, then they played it out exactly how they would and Timmy at least took notice. Timmy has become woke, that's why I absolutely need him to stay, I can't say for sure if Chips is on the wavelength but Maynor seems to be since he shared my clue, albeit late, but he did. I could still end up tenth but if that alliance burns to the ground then I have done what I needed to in this game. I also talked things over with Mateo, we might work together down the line, we might not. At the very least I expressed why I felt we had beef at the beginning of merge and that I was willing to turn a new leaf with him.

So this is a crazy round obviously. I really think the trio approach really helped but finding all those idols myself was crazy. Still don’t feel safe in this game for now, going to be a crazy night.

I’m so stressed!!! Like I don’t want to go home on a twist round, that already happened in Virgin Islands, like been there done that already. I have Thomas’ idol so I know he doesn’t have it, thank god. People are saying their voting Thomas, but I have no reason to believe them bc they have been lying to me so much. I only trust maynor so if I see after the season that he was lying to me...I’m going to be hurt, like genuinely hurt for a while because he knows how much I trust him. These past 2 rounds have been taxing on my stability and I want to make a move but with the nature of this round, i can’t.

There were barely any vote talk this round. I found my idol and Im playing it on myself. Im trying to find Timmy’s we only have 2 more guesses. Thomas is the target this round which okay with me because he hasnt been talking to me all that much so dont think he’ll be a good ally moving forward. This round has been not chaptic like last round.

So this vote has a lot for me to cover. Last time, I was voted out alongside Corey. However, after a 3 1/2 hour endurance challenge, I fought my way back into the game with an idol and a legacy only the jury know about! Coming back into the game there was a challenge which chips won immunity. There was also a twist where everyone had to search the grid for their own idols where I found mine and will be immune at tonight’s vote. From what I know, Thomas does not have his idol therefore will be the person I am voting for and hopefully he goes home and I don’t get blindsided again

in a shocking turn of events...... i love tommy so much i'm so sad at the prospect of him leaving.

Well I am very fucking pissed at the moment. Timmy wanted to keep the fucking idol clue away from me and I wasn't able to find a fucking idol. Now I am going to be going home because of it. I just got to get this off my chest, THIS SEASON HAS BEEN SHITTY! I love traditional Survivor gameplay and stuff like the warzone and the everyone gets an idol twist like Oprah gives everyone a car twist is unnecessary. Like what the fuck! I've been in several ORGs but, no offense to Alyssa, Johnny, and Monty, this has been the worse ORG I have been apart of. I was able to meet Kait, Maynor and Chloe but those were the only posituve things from this ORG aside from a few challenge ideas I got for my ORG. That is it. Peace y'all.

#survivorstarzone #episodes

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noxrynne · 7 years ago

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im doing my best in school but tbh ive gotten to the point where if i dont meet the grade average the actual school wants me to have in order to accept me ive kind of just accepted that i’ll be kinda fucked and try to push through stuff until i give up

idk a lot of it feels like im being set up for failure pretty often. i have a schedule to check things that meets the req to check x times a week but stuff is being assigned on the inbetween days to be due on the days i check and i jsut dont have the time to do it (or there’s a bunch of new guidelines introduced after the posted assignment by four days and by then i already turned in what i did and i get marked down b/c of the late addendum) i regret taking 4 courses and wish i took 3 or 2 but i couldnt do that since the deal was i take a full course load with this school and make a 2.5 minimum to be accepted to the actual, real school. maybe i shouldnt have cowered out of the arrangement i couldve had where i got to the physical school and have physical classes and live in an apartment. b/c. i think if i did that id be doing a lot better in them. i just freaked out b/c i dont do well alone (i get extremely paranoid/scared and with where my mind was going i didnt want to be alone). online just feels really difficult for me. its hard to keep track of everything. its hard to remember where x, y, or z is ‘cuz they’re all buried under seven different links that are different between the classes. sometimes the textbook fails and crashes and you lose all your progress in terms of it keeping track that you’re reading and doing the dumb 30 question quizzes inside of it. so then it’s like another four hours down the drain. then it’s like “oh this is an easy assignment” and im struggling witht hose and im like “what the fuck is a hard assignment b/c im gonna fail it” i feel like im either going to barely squeak by with the 2.5 or im gonna fail too many things and not make it and then it’s basically kind of well, either i finish the book i have almost done-ish and i get lucky and get to live my actual childhood dream or i take on multiple minimum wage jobs and just hope for the best or make it as far as i can before i give up i want to say i really hate myself for dropping out so much and barely being able to function so many times but sometimes it feels unfair to my own self since it’s mostly depression/anxiety and not having any resources or help. or i get fucked over on something that’s really important to my own mental health and sense of safety. like UWGB: 0 access to counseling or therapy resources until after the allowed drop-out date. Also there, i got singled out and mocked by a professor and i basically started to cry. Also there, i had a class that ended at midnight and had to walk across an unfamiliar campus at night to try and find my dorm and usually was up walking and looking for it until 2AM while being terrified and paranoid the entire time. Also there, dorms weren’t heated or had A/C so i kept overheating in my room and could barely sleep, and nearly collapsed three or four times. then UCD: request a single room for myself or with 1 other roommate, was uncomfortable with the idea of roommates mostly because of me having transgender feelings and the inability to process them properly. i also just like my space and i get worn down and break down when just dealing with too much all the time. instead i was promised a 2 person max room and got the two person max room but with 4 other people (including me there were 6 of us living in a one bedroom... room). i couldnt sleep b/c roommates wouldn’t sleep (they basically drank and yelled all night, or they’d get high at 3AM and 5AM). one of them touched me a lot and got into my space a lot and it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. i never felt like i had any space and just felt overwhelmed the entire time and got told to fuck off by the housing people multiple times while eating cold tortillas with cold cheese that was melted over it at one point for their lunches/dinners b/c apparently that’s what the meal plan was. i got pretty sick there a couple times. the coffee place basically never gave me soy milk which i kind of need b/c otherwise i might throw up or have incredibly painful stomach pains. i nearly passed out in a class because it was so bad and i started crying at my desk which was when the professor told me to leave b/c it looked like i had the flu. so i stopped drinking coffee there, which made me feel like shit in the morning and completely unaware of everything (almost got hit by two cars trying to get to my 6AM class that was a mile walk away from the dorm, since it was clear across and off the campus). and then from there i became extremely suicidal and told my counselor that every time i stood in front of the train tracks that early up, i considered stepping in front of the train passing through and almost did it once (someone behind me tugged me back b/c they thought i was in the process of tripping). but i got basically no sleep there, most of my memories are really messy and hazy and i barely register what happened a lot of the time b/c i just legitimately couldn’t process things at the time. i went a week where i didnt eat anything and probably got 4 hours of sleep those entire 7 days. all i really remember is feeling dizzy and lightheaded all the time and really hating sunny days because it hurt my eyes and i’d get bad headaches. well and my counselor giving me six dollars to go to the mcdonalds downstairs b/c she wanted me to eat something then online stuff is just... everything is put in gods knows where, the textbooks crash, the website sometimes won’t work, the assignments are put up randomly without notice, everything is a 3,000 word commitment from just the discussions to the papers and it’s jsut overwhelming and tbh a lot of the time i feel unsure if i can even keep up or do it all. and i know if i pass it all then i can go to UC Boulder and hope i have a better experience than the other two universities, or it’s just as bad and i suffer through it until i have a degree so i can actually have a career that lets me actually live. or i fail it all and die in my mid twenties probably.

#negative #kit stuff

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weirdmageddon · 6 years ago

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im sorry i wasnt aware of that... i also have terrible anxiety but its the general type so i freak out about small things because im kinda always 90% ways to a breakdown. my teachers and parents thought used to have social anxiety since id never play with the kids but turns out im just a big introvert. i also hate being in the spotlight but i can still present myself, only..uh. extremely awkwardly. i may go temporarily selectively mute when im overwhelmed and dont wanna talk about anything..actually CANT talk about anything, and i usually hide and lock myself in a dark room. im not a big talker if stuff doesnt involve me and ill usually be quiet in a big crowd or around a lotta people and im much better one-on-one... its definitely not the same. but thanks for the info, i learned a lot. now im gonna cringe when i read my post again bc im a dumb ass that didnt know this

i completely hear what your saying and i wish there was a way to like. balance the reality of the disorder and make it so it doesnt look like the animators got hells of lazy. because links expressions in skyward sword are really like a professional animation studio and as the previous big home console zelda title it set the bar so high it flew up away to the sun like a fucknig piece of garbage

also lets not forget the holy trinity:

so when botw comes out probably with a bigger budget than all the other games combined and i see link has a specific shot thats literally been copied and pasted into two separare memories (memories 3 and 5) like no difference at all except for maybe his eyes are the slighest bit wider i die a little. aaaaahhhhhhhh my god skyward swords gameplay may have sucked ass but MAN if this isnt good

thats my main gripe honestly is it feels like the animators couldve done more but keep the reality of the disorder by just slightly altering things so it still feels....like they put some effort into it i guess? theres no doubt it feels bland. even in the motion of the other characters honestly. the memories we're given in the dlc showcases zelda, not link, which is SO FRUSTRATING and BULLSHIT because theyre not even links memories?? he wasnt even there. youd wonder maybe they couldve showed something new with link like him as a kid visiting zoras domain or smiling more after opening up to zelda but nah. hes the cutest designed link and we cant even see what he has to offer up close beautifully rendered. whatever i still love him either way

botw could have had the ultimate link

let’s see what link already has in this game… an amazing appearance. this, imo, is the cutest art style of him in games to date. paya was absolutely correct about link im a lesbian and i can say hes cute

an actual personality if you look hard enough. seems to be the compassionate goofball but with a passive aggressive streak type and well you saw my post so here are some new ones

“im sorry” would be my response personally but in this game it cancels his talk. aw link

but the cutscenes. oh…the cutscenes…

now i understand one thing. we’re not playing as the link in the memories. we’re playing as link after waking up in the shrine of resurrection 100 years later. you can find this entry in zelda’s diary inside her study at hyrule castle that canonly explains why link is mute

“Bit by bit, I’ve gotten Link to open up to me. It turns out he’s quite a glutton. He can’t resist a delicious meal! When I finally got around to asking why he’s so quiet all the time, I could tell it was difficult for him to say. But he did. With so much at stake, and so many eyes upon him, he feels it necessary to stay strong and to silently bear any burden. A feeling I know all too well… For him, it has caused him to stop outwardly expressing his thoughts and feelings. I always believed him to be simply a gifted person who had never faced a day of hardship. How wrong I was… Everyone has struggles that go unseen by the world… I was so absorbed with my own problems, I failed to see his. I wish to talk with him more and to see what lies beneath those calm waters, to hear him speak freely and openly… And perhaps I, too, will be able to bare my soul to him and share the demons that have plagued me all these years.”

this is something we need to factor in. the memories reflect this entry about his stoicism. i don’t want to erase it because 1) it says a lot about links character and 2) this is something that happens to real people, going selectively mute from trauma and ptsd. even temporarily with autism or anxiety (i often get the forbidden third stress response, freeze). i don’t want to take away this amazing representation

the thing is, why didn’t he break? mutism is different from expressing emotions, it’s just not talking. but expressions are a completely different field. this is link’s expression when zelda yells at him for following her everywhere as her escorted knight.

actually in fact this isnt from that memory because i couldnt find that specific gif but it looks LITERALLY copy and pasted from the one it really is. im not joking

oh my god. he could have done anything but just stare. have his head down a bit, looking at her and then the ground. i don’t expect him to be doing goddamn somersaults here, but just something minor like having his chin down could have said a lot. this is the person he want sent to protect by the royal fucking family of hyrule after all. if he isnt making zelda happy by being there then what is he supposed to do? i’d expect more emotion out of him in that scenario. link DOES have feelings, ones so strong they need to be restrained so he can focus on his work. but i’d expect to see some facial expression here. or do the universal link trait thing where he scratches the back of his head in embarrassment. rhoam you fucked up a perfectly good hylian is what you did. look at him hes got anxiety

if you havent caught on get, link wasnt always like this. mipha’s diary from the second dlc, the champions ballad, says:

“At the request of Hyrule’s King, a group of outsiders came to greet us at the domain. One of them was a Hylian child of only about four years of age. His name was Link. He made quite a first impression. He was curious and full of energy, with a ready smile. Are all Hylian children that way? One thing that surely sets him apart is his swordsmanship, which I hear is exceptional. He has even bested adults. He must be somewhat reckless, however, as he was covered in bruises. Wishing to be helpful, I healed his wounds for him. It must have been his first time seeing healing magic, as he looked up at me with big, round eyes. It was…adorable.”

now this just makes me mad. i want to see this. why not have it so the dlc does what dlc may do and show us this through a memory, meeting up with mipha’s soul on vah ruta after clearing all the trials at zora’s domain? instead of link somehow gaining the psychic power to see what zelda was up to? i want to see fuckin..babby link take down adult swordsmen?? god damn it. but what happened after that was link went into the great hyrule forest at one point, the deku tree and koroks may have all been waiting for him to come and fulfill the prophecy of saving hyrule which is when he picked up the master sword. the pressures put upon him as more signs that the calamity would emerge again made him shut down. i’d expect this to happen when the great calamity is an actual, real and immediate threat but i dont see how he could be so outwardly shut down in normal situations before that

so if theres anything thats left to be desired in botw it is making the scenes and memories happen with as much expression and heart as skyward sword did. link was either smiling or frowning or stunned in every scene in ss. and yet he was still the silent protagonist with difference response choices. please all we wanted was stuff like this during the cinematic scenes. ss link was sooooo cute

like……links already like this when he cooks food or idles or reacts to the environment during normal gameplay but hes a brick wall with his expressions in the cinematic memories. i hate that. what gives nintendo. like the only exception for cutscenes is the great fairies but..ah…oh no..lmao

^ can we have like…this in the memories.. please. especially the one where zelda and link are out in the field looking at the wildlife, finding the silent princess and zelda tries to make link lick a frog.

theres so much you can convey about links thoughts by giving him subtle expressions in these memories. make link give revali, flexing on him, a face that basically tells him “good for you dipshit” because i wanted to CLOBBER the bird over head in that one for how he acted and treated link (and link just took it?? like the john mulaney delta airlines skit ??? not like hes disrespecting an elder or anything, shouldve made some snarky comment like how he does to npcs now)

or how about the memory at hyrule castle where zelda said “at the current rate, we’ll soon know all we need to know about the guardians and the divine beasts! should ganon ever show itself again, we’ll be well conditioned to defend ourselves” and smiles, link just stays poker faced?? thats something he should have absolutely smiled at! there would be no reason for every single person in hyrule to rely solely on him to take down ganon.

i think the one scene where link shows some expression in the memories (even then, not as much as would be in skyward sword but the bar there is set pretty high) is you know the one. the “i left them…..all to die” is i think the best scene of any memory in this game because oh fuck surprise link mr stoic looks sympathetic lmao

i can fuckin rejoice to this. cheers ill drink to this. when i saw that i was like its about DAMN TIME and the embrace is the cherry on top that holds it all together. they BOTH show emotions here…oh lawd.. i cant think of a way to make links expression look more sympathetic here at least in this art style but to lower the eyebrows a little bit more? but good job on nintendos part.

i hit my 10-picture-per-post limit here but basically botw link would have been the best link by FAR and a more complete character if he wasnt so gotdam BLAND in the memories. thats where the story comes from (though arguably lackluster through the way they presented the information). they missed out a whole lot with that the memories are so important and link is just so …..not the link you play as in this game

this all came to me just now after posting all of those npc conversations and link’s responses. the fascination i have with them started after i did bozai’s mission. and seeing how you all responded made me go back and see if i had more of these kinda of funny responses saved, and thankfully i did. in fact it makes me wanna restart the game so i can catch all the ones i may have missed because link is just so fun and its so entertaining that we’re now, 2 years after this games release, talking about holy shit link has a canon personality now.

this game WAS the first one to break a lot of the conventional zelda title rules including now not being able to name link but that means link can be himself, and while youre technically controlling him and choosing his dialogue options, youre picking from the choices of things he is thinking to say. when talking to frelly to rent a sand seal you have no choice but choosing a response with a seal pun. THAT’S link. i like to imagine that link is still selectively mute until he needs to ask for something or has the opportunity to sass someone and his interactions with the npcs reflect this

#but im sorry i didnt know that #long post #so long a post youll be saying OH LAWD HE COMIN #loz #its 4:30 in the morning wtf am i doing

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7enchi · 4 years ago

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I want to get something of my heart, so this really just for me to put into the void so don’t mind this.but if you do just be cautious because you are taking a step into my mind. When I was a teenager my mom used to make me help her at her job & one day i got fed up with it because i just wanted to go home and play video games. Me being an UNGRATEFUL FUCK started arguing w/ her & told her why do i have to help her. I asked her if she is going to help me when i get older and get a job. She said yeah. I said no you won’t because you’re going to be dead. I said this because she was in her 50′s, but after i said that she stayed silent for the rest of the night. I didnt think much of it at the time, but thinking about it later in life this mustve really hurt her. & I hate myself for saying that. For all I know she could be really scared for that day. I haven’t talked to her in two years. Not because of that, but because the trauma that she & my oldest brother put on me. She never even told me I had another brother till he got out of prison & had to come live with us. He was like 30 something & buff came with ALOT of anger issues. This is when my world changed for the worst. I was no longer the joyful person I was. He used to physically abuse me & my older brother. To the point where my older brother who has never really hit me before actually hit me in the face one time & dazed me, but that was the only time he hasnt hit me ever since that day. There was this one time to I lost my moms phone she told my oldest brother knowing what he would do. & this was at 6:30 in morning right before school. He left me with a fat lip and bloody nose & my mom knew i couldnt go to school so she let me stay home so i went to my room & cried. 20 min later my oldest brother comes in and he apologizes and gives me 100$ to make up for it. I “Accepted it”, but deep down he was no longer family. I lost my faith in the christian god that day. Now i believe that there is a god or a higher being up there. I just don’t believe in religion gods. You know whats crazy the next day I went back to school with all smiles like nothing has ever happened. You really can’t tell whats going on in peoples private life. I think that same night too or it couldve been a different night. I had a nightmare about him & it was thunderstorming like it was a real horror film. I was in a room with my older brother. My oldest brother opens the door knife in his hand he says “Who wants to die first” Me being the coward i am balling my eyes out. I push my brother in front of me I say “him”. I had to watch him get stabbed ruthlessly. I wish It was me instead because I wouldve just woken up. Now i have this engraved image that will probably stick with me for the rest of my life. Once i got the chance to move out. I took it. I forgive them both now & my mom hits me up on facebook, but i dont respond & i do plan on telling her everything on my mind, but when i think im about to send her a message I dont because I dont know how to go about all this stuff. I think this weekend though im going to tell her because you really don’t know when it could be her last & I dont want to regret this my whole life. Same w/ my brother. I don’t want him to feel bad I just want him to see the actions he did & how his anger issues pushed his loved ones away. I want him to seek therapy & just be happy. After all that though. I’m really proud of myself that I had a strong heart back then because alot of people wouldve thought about suicide or even done it & i haven’t not once thought about it. Now I’m more happier & loving as ever. So yeah Im doing good, Im doing great. Im doing amazing. If you took your time reading this. Thank you & I appreciate you for doing so. This really did take some weight off my shoulders.

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thetotalfailure · 5 years ago

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ok i dont feel like randomly bursting into tears ruminating on how stupid i am anymore

but i dont know if thats because ive had coffee and its 3am

which is another problem in of itself

my next counseling appointment isnt for another few weeks

but the first one feels like the dam broke

but it couldve been because of my intense hormone imbalance

but ive felt completely paralyzed

overwhelmed

i havent done anything all week and thats because i end up feeling like i want to cry instead of working so i go do something else which makes it worse

classic. there’s many articles about that online. fascinating. couldnt read them through the tears. why did i even try. i already know what i need to do.

but knowing and doing are two different concepts. ideas. actions.

i havent acted on any thought i have. good and bad. nothing

i dont know what to do at this point

i know venting isnt very productive because then i just end up getting stuck on the negative. and i dont want to shove the negative onto someone else. it helps no one.

its hard being nice to myself.

getting a proper diagnosis would get me on the path to not being like this

taking the steps to get such a thing is. i have so many other things i need to do.

i keep putting everything off.

the cycle

im trying but im not trying but i am trying but its really more like thinking about trying

how do i ask for help

i dont want any help. with doing things that is. i do want help. but not help to get to the help. which is ridiculous of me and why im stuck here not tearing up about it.

i wish i wasnt like this. but wishing isnt doing. i just need. to. do. something.

they told me to just sit down and stare at what im supposed to do for only a scheduled time. schedules. right.

i even failed that. instead of just staring at what im supposed to be doing, i would do other things instead. i couldnt even not do what i wasnt supposed to do. ugh.

be nice to myself? how do i do that.

just turn something crappy in

i know that. i cant even get myself to do that. i cant even crap out the work. and now its late. i dont want to turn in crappy late work. but i know its better than nothing. but now im stuck in this stupid loop about it

its so fucking stupid. i cant use my own advice for myself. be nice to yourself. just turn in something crappy who cares. lower your expectations. dont care about what other people think.

i dont. but i do. but i dont. but i really do.

i know what im capable of and i want others to know to

my standards for myself are high so i should lower them

but i dont want to seem low to other people

but i will seem low to people if i dont do anything. which is happening because my standards are high and now i have anxiety procrastination

so i should not care what others think and lower my standards for myself and turn in something crappy

oh my god why am i not doing this

and now im upset about me not doing something even after logicking everything out

so annoyed and upset and frustrated with myself

i dont think counseling will work but i know its a step in the right direction and maybe ill take the next step into making an appointment with someone else to get me more help because its probably just a chemical imbalance that would be fixed with medication but the complex system to get to that point takes up so much energy that i barely even have any emotional or mental energy to do what i need to do in the present time to get to step 50 and i know what im supposed to do is to break everything up into smaller pieces and delegation is a good step in the right direction but i dont want any help from anyone which is frustrating because there’s nothing wrong with getting help and i really feel like im losing it and i might just drop out of life and just. leave the state or something, not literally leave life. i wouldnt go that far. something silly like live on a farm.

a decade ago i learned about a lot of psych concepts. rumination. ideas around self fulfilling prophecies and setting oneself up for failure. the big d word.

although. a decade ago i had a vague unspoken idea about myself then. one i wouldve never allowed to fully voice itself even in my mind. which kind of doesnt make sense but i cant be poetic at the moment. just that. perhaps i wouldn’t exist in a decade.

i guess in a way, the me of the past truly doesn’t exist

but im still here. i exist. i have to deal with what i didnt do a decade ago. which is get help in some way dont get me wrong it isnt making myself not exist.

it feels kind of awful. a decade of this nonsense with myself. a dance with high standards and letting myself fail from fear of failure. its a dark step in adulthood that i hope many don’t have to experience. the step of realizing that the future exists and i have to plan to exist in it.

i think ive seen posts like that on this hell site. not having made plans for the future because they didnt expect to make it past a certain age, yet here they are.

it wasnt that . well. i guess in a way it is. i don’t know what i expected. but i certainly didnt plan anything for the future. it was anxiety about it. maybe i spoke about it in a previous entry.

i hated. well. that might be a little too strong of a word. i disliked my so in hs because all they thought about was the future. their plans for it. their dreams. the little white fence with the 2.5 children and whatnot. i disliked thinking about the future. i enjoyed talking about Dreams for the future. oh lets live together with friends and who will be the DD and who will be the funny roommate and sitcom style adulthood with everyone graduating and having jobs and enjoying life. thats not a semi solid plan for a future. just a dream. something silly friends talk about. nothing serious. why think about what lies in the future when someone didnt really expect to. exist? im not sure what it was i thought. just my vague aspirations.

wherever the wind takes me.

i still think like that. but i suppose i have a more solid plan/idea for what i want

but its hard. its been easier these days for the dark thoughts to creep back into my brain. easier in the sense that they’ve just taken over completely. why did i think i could do this or that when its easier to just lay in bed all day with the blinds shut and blankets blocking reality from sight. why bother when ive already set myself up to fail. i knew i didnt have to do this. why did i do this. i could just work my way up from the bottom and secure a job thats just barely above minimum wage. but i dont even believe i could do that. everything is so much energy. im even writing this instead of writing what im supposed to be working on. why am i like this

i dont want to talk to anyone else about this because. i already know its not productive the way i think so it would just come out the same nonproductive way. ill drop a thought here and there. but not the full struggle. why tell someone when i can tell a professional and yet i dont even tell the damn professional.

but be nicer to myself

its hard. its hard on my and myself and im hard on me and myself. another horrible cycle.

im tired of all of this. and i dont like being treated as fragile i guess.

theyve been texting me the past few days with messages of affection and affirmations. its nice but. it just feels empty to me. which is frustrating. i know its just the bad side of my brain telling me to ruin it all completely. i dont know how to voice it without hurting anyone. i want to wait for my next appointment because i know its just my brain being illogical

but everything costs energy. i just simply feel like a time bomb. or maybe ive already gone off and im more like a candle thats burning out

i feel like im burning out

or that im already at the end and im just a whisper of smoke

i know that everyone can be compassionate or understanding and maybe accommodating, but im afraid ill only be met with sternness and a loss of respect somehow. like im just making excuses. especially because its not like im diagnosed officially or anything. i know im not the only one. but it feels like im the only one. and what if i am the only one. i dont want to be singled out

i dont want to be treated differently. maybe understanding. but. not differently. not negatively.

they. i dont want them to stop but i dont even understand what i want instead, so i dont want to stop them. in a way it shows they care because they do care but. it feels shallow. i dont know what i want from them at all. which is probably why i want to press the self destruct button and ruin it for both of us. but thats unfair to them and thats unfair to me. so i should just talk to them about it. effective communication.

back to step one i suppose. i need the energy to do. anything. anything at all. god d

be nice to myself. that’s hard.

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jess-oh · 5 years ago

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reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine.

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine.

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that.

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that.

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too.

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.

#reflection #im not fine #im not even close to okay

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deadcatelog · 7 years ago

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sometimes i think it’s a bit sad and funny how bad my memory can be. i had a handful of good friends that i loved being around back in hs only a few years ago. a lot of them seemed to drift away after 3 years for one friend group, then 2 years or so for another. some of them went to college, and the rest of us were usually put into different classes either because of scheduling or interests or grades.

i started a club with some of them. and most of them were in it. i was the president in my senior year, and the ones left in my year were so supportive of me. i didn’t tell them, but i was so grateful they stuck around because i was so anxious sometimes speaking to the club that i became a bit dependent on the idea of having afamiliar face in the crowd when the nerves were starting to get to me.

i had such a hard time remembering any of the names of the underclassmen. i think i was fond of them, but for some reason i felt uncomfortable hanging out around them outside of school. (what if they realize how boring i am? how unhappy they are with me? what if that ruins our friendship? what if they leave the club? if i never get to know them, and they never get to know me we can never disappoint each other...) god, i think i was terrified of this idea so often with so many people.

um, anyway, i think at some point i realized i was having a hard time remembering people i’d known for years. their names, their personalities, it drives me crazy sometimes. sometimes i test myself whenever i think of this (what were the names of my best friends? first person. firstname, lastname. next person. first name, lastname. next person... etc. its upsetting how often i hesitate. some of these people, i’ve seen almost every day for years. i got to know them. but when i see their faces? when i say their names? they’re basically strangers. i guess it makes it easier for me to be fond of strangers, but i can’t imagine a random stranger would really appreciate being treated like a friend when you barely know each other. i try to remind myself of that whenever i want to trust people too quickly, or make assumptions about them, i don’t want to walk all over people thinking they don’t mind and assuming there’s nothing wrong with doing x because someone in my past liked x. we’re not a singularlity yet, haha.

i can’t fucking remember anyone from my freshmen year. i don’t remember anything i learned in class, who my professors are or what half of them looked like, who my classmates are.... i don’t remember any of their names. i only know the names of four people, in morningside. two upperclassmen that chaperoned me and some other freshmen over the summer i enrolled in college, the last name of my dean, and my therapist.

i don’t remember the names of any of my friends. even though i talked to them almost every day, hung out with them, connected with them as much as i could force myself to. forced because i always felt so anxious interacting with others, desperate to watch myself or appear a certain way so people wouldn’t avoid me or think i was weird. be extra nice, not step on any toes, try to be funny, even at the expense of my feelings if i thought it was necessary.

now, well, i guess i was so worried about myself i forgot to spare any thought for anyone else haha. i’m always a bit surprised at how people describe the way they feel about student loans... how it hangs over them, on the back of their mind every day. how it constantly stresses them out. how they can’t ever seem to get over it as long as it’s still there. how crushing it feels... i wonder if we feel the same way, but just about different things. have i toldyou about the time i thought about how bad i felt for upsetting some complete strangers i met at an accepted student weekend? now that i think about it, i wonder if we were just both too sensative. if i was just too insensitive, and i think i was at least reasonably speaking it couldve done better. they’d dyed their hair and i asked them about it and if they’d enjoyed the change. either one or both of them spoke about their mothers after that, so it was probably a sensative topic. i tried tolamely save that convo but then one or both of the girls got pretty snarky and i knew it was a lost cause. for me anyways, i suck at fixing that type of thing. it was such a shame, i had a bit of a crush on the one who insulted me and i wish it could have gone.......better.. ha.

thecrush part was pretty insignificant eventually, i couldnt get over how upset i made them/her and how upset that made me was ridiclious. it lasted for two months. i remember sitting in the tub thinking this is crazy, why can’t i get over this? the shame, the horror, this....... disgust at myself? it’s still to vivid. why?

and so, well. off topic again but tl;dr my memory is really weird. i don’t even have an idea of what either of their names were, but....mmm.

i can’t remember any of my co-workers names. i think they’ve caught on by now, and a lot of them seem pretty insulted by it. i feel upset that they feel that way, and i wish they didn’t, but i also can’t help but feel a bit amused at the back of it all. that doesn’t stop the guilt, but it makes it oddly bareable, even if only a bit.

almost everything from my childhood just isn’t there. and most of high school has been disappearing, too. i can’t seem to remember any of my freshmen year at all, either. that especially makes me so upset because it fucking ruins my plans for the future. my mistakes would be so much more bearable if i didn’t think it was compromising my future. i want to enjoy my major, i want it to make sense to me, i don’t want to forget. i dont want to forget my professors or coursework. i don’t want to forget to do my homework. i don’t want to forget my classmates, or for them to think that i’m lazy or stupid or don’t care. not when it’s all i have, or all i want. i want to be a se, and do well in my classes. make friends who share my interests. get good grades. geta good job. meet people.love people. love life.enjoy it all. i just seem to forget or burn-out so quickly that it just makes me, and everyone around me fucking miserable and want nothing to do with me. that was okay in hs when i couldn’t make friendsall the time, i had to be okay with it when i saw how easy it seemed to be for everyone to juggle social life, work,and school in hs and college when i could barely do one at a time without becoming irritable and tired. now i don’t even have my grades, and im beginning to lose faith in myself and my passion. i can’t stand it. i hate it. i hate my memory, i hate my anxiety, all of it.

oh, but i’m so fucking sorry i can’t seem to remember your fucking name.

my biggest secret is that all my friends and family are strangers to me because i can’t remember them. any of the time we’ve spent together. despite the years of seeing each other every day, every holiday, all of my memories are a muddy murky stew of things barely recognizeable. i don’t even know myself, anymore.

but i got your fucking name wrong, so fuck me right? but obviously this is the most upsetting thing ever. and you’re not getting over it, so i’m just going to get over it for you guys, haha. i can barely tell any of them apart. i can’t tell why they do the things they do, they might have told me exactly why the day before but it won’t matter in a few hours. i hope this is something i can fix,

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aworldformythoughts · 7 years ago

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9/6/17 started:1:49am ended:2:31am

so i always could've assumed that I'd come back here again. always a different pain to share and type down here. but this time it's different. this time it's about me and my girlfriend.

I think it'd help me if I were to start from the beginning and so I will. the problems within our relationship started about November/December of our junior year. she was just so stressed out about every single thing, math tests, avid notes, and even just simple homework. everything was weighing down on her and my grandmother's passing didn't help me and her at all. instead of focusing on her work she focused on me to get better, to make me feel better. I felt like such a burden, just such a complete waste of resources that could've been used to a greater cause. this ultimately caused her to become behind on her work, piled up with all the already created stress and now with my emotional problems. I took it upon myself to not tell her about my mental state or my emotions. which at first sounded like a good idea because she'd get her work done, she wouldn't know that I was still depressed and suicidal, and I wouldn't feel like such a sack of shit. but now looking back, it was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my entire lifetime. it caused her to feel incapable, not good enough, worthless for me. and it hurt me so much, and it still does today.

fast forward a few months, my mother starts planning what I'm going to do in the future, without me having a say in my own future. she planned that I head into the medical field. that I apply for kaiser as a volunteer to get familiar with the workplace. while this is all happening, I'm having problems with my relationship and decided to talk about it with my language arts teacher, ms. schiff. she helped me so much, and she was there for me nearly every time I needed to talk about something. she means so much to me as a teacher. the problems in my relationship at this time consisted of communication, lack of time together, and sadness surrounding the two of us. back to my forced future, all I want to do is to just do something art related. become a teacher in a high school or college, or be an online artists taking commissions, just anything. but I can't ever get the future I want. instead in forced to do this predestined medical field bullshit.

nearing the end of junior year is where it got difficult in my relationship. she had insisted on that we see each other less, go on dates less, and to give each other space. all in an effort to aid us in education. but god damnit this was the last thing I wanted. I never EVER wanted this. I never ever longed or wished for this. but I love her so much and I want her to have a better future so I decided to just suck it up. and from this moment on we began to lose the intimacy in our relationship. though it didn't vanish in one day, it waned over the summer vacation.

now in the summer vacation between junior and senior year. we hardly ever see each other, or talk to each other, or even share intimate private moments with each other. I love her so much, and to describe that it hurt to not show affection the same way we used to is a god damn extreme understatement. the intimacy slowly died down. and it was gone before I knew it. the day I realized it, I became extremely depressed. I was slitting my wrists, I was starving myself, I was crying every night. I hated myself for letting this happen. and I still do hate myself.

during I believe august, she goes on a camp trip with her church for an entire week. which meant no communication, no lucero. for a week, when all I wanted to do was talk to her. all I wanted to do was to hug her, hold her, show how much I love her. but I couldn't. and when she came back, she was different. it felt so different. she felt so distant, she felt so uninterested in me, she felt so strange to talk to. and I hated it so so much. all I wanted was to talk to her, I just wanted to have conversations like we used to. and I couldn't even get that. my depression and self harm worsened, and I thought i couldve ended it.

Monday. before the first day of school, I was doing community service with a friend. and I was very excited for school, because I finally get to see her. my love, my demolition lover. Tuesday comes and there's just such a clear disconnect with us. my excited mood self destructs and turns into depression and a mental breakdown. and yet I still had to go to the kaiser volunteering service that I was so forcefully signed up to. upon working there a stranger yells at me while my head was having a war with itself. the moment I get home I break down. harder than ever before.

skip to wednesday/thursday. wednesday was pretty normal and basic. until I get a message from my friend after school asking if I'd like to go to the park with her, and so I asked who's there, and she's there with my other friends and my girlfriend. I don't know why but I'm just so confused and angry and sad that I have no clue why I wasn't invited or even if i should be there. I still show up anyway and keep in mind that it was me and my girlfriend's monthly anniversary. I asked her to come out of the club but she refused and continued to do homework. I get sad and just go home instead, only to find out that she had forgotten that it was our anniversary. it hurt a lot, but I just said its ok, because it's just an anniversary and I didn't want to make her feel bad.

thursday comes and the two of us meet before school to just sit together. Im finally hugging and kissing her just like how I had always wanted, until she says something that broke my heart and honestly hurt so much. and that something was that she didn't want to show public affection anymore, and that she felt uncomfortable showing it. I'm just sad the entire day because it's all I had wanted to do. during lunch I wanted to run up to her and hug her, but then I remember that I can't. so I end up just listening to this song called "want you gone" and sit across from her at the table. she calls my name and says something but am not able to hear her correctly, so she gave up on trying to tell me and continued on laughing and having fun with her friends. skip to after school and I'm staying in the ceramics classroom with a good friend of mine who was trying to distract me from the problems she didn't even know about. and it was at this moment when lucero texted me that she doesn't even feel like she's my girlfriend anymore. and of course me and my over reactive ass starts to panic internally and cry on the inside. now by this time it has been the fourth time she tried to break up with me, and the other three time were for the future beneficial for us. for example the first two attempts were because she knew that she wouldn't have the time to care about me or be able to spend time with me. and I honestly loved her consideration and made me fall in love with her even more. the third time was because she felt like she wasn't good enough, and had wanted me to go find someone else who had the time to spend with me. the dates of when these occurred have left my memory but the most recent is what I obviously remember the most. this time I didn't want her to back out on her desire to breakup with me just because she felt bad for me or she just didn't want to hurt me. so I let her this time. I told her that I'd be okay, and we could breakup temporarily just like she had wanted. but hours later she regrets it and wants to come back to me. and at this moment I told her that I didn't want to (lie) and I had wanted her to stick to her word. this makes her sad and she says "you said you'd fight for me and that you'd do everything for me. I guess you don't love me anymore." and this only makes me so, SO angry. honestly, did she really think that I wanted to create distance, that I wanted to delete intimacy, that I wanted to not show public affection? @#$& no. I tell her all of this and it changes her mind. whether or not she's even remotely concerned as she's too busy, or even she even loves me, or even wants to try in this relationship is beyond my knowledge. however I believe that things are getting better now. the first time in forever she was the one to make plans, and she had wanted to go on a date on Friday. I can't help but be excited, even though excited doesn't quite meet the level of emotion I'm feeling whenever I think about it. but I'm trying my absolute best to balance optimism and the truth to not be completely crushed if it doesn't happen. I really really do want this date to happen but in this relationship? I don't know.

owari desu

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nucliufsilver · 8 years ago

Text

lil bit of a rant to all the people i dont talk to anymore

1.yknow honestly, for what its worth you did make me a better person, before i became friends with you i didnt really know what manners were, i was confused on what was right or wrong and you opened my eyes to a lot of things i probably would hate right now if i hadnt met you, examples, gay marriage, cosplay, different ways to love, transgenders etc. and that was all fine and dandy, i really loved you for that, always so kind and thoughtful of others, but i think in return i corrupted you a bit too, as a result i turned out to be a bad guy, granted i did some shit that had no excuse but so did you and bitch dont try and blow that off on me. you made me FEEL toxic, i was never going to be good enough, i was never going to be a better person, i was never going to be as nice as you or as caring, everyone would only ever see me as this toxic, stern, scary person and the sadest part of that? that actually came true lmao, no one cares for me, im alone, ive got a solid 1 friend and it isnt even fucking you because you decided i wasnt worth it and you hated me despite me trying so hard to connect back with you, all you ever did was shut me out and tell me i wasnt good enough, bitch.

2. fuck i loved you so much, but i had no fucking idea how to show it. i know im not allowed to talk to you anymore, but before i rant off about what you did to me i really really need you to understand that i will always fucking love you, and im so so so fucking sorry for hurting you like i did, it was all i ever knew. you taught me so fucking much, you taught me its okay to open up to people and let them see my dark sides, you taught me its okay to be myself and to share my opinions, and if people didnt like that, that was okay too, you taught me how to love even though it was quite a wild ride and i didnt even figure it out until 6 months after we broke up. you taught me there was so much more i had to learn about myself before i brought other people into my life and i will always be grateful to have had you for so long. but holy fuck did you ever make me feel like shit. i fucking hated you, you never listened to what i had to say and when id say it you never believed me either, i get it was a mental thing but YOU NEEDED TO LEARN HOW TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF. you made me feel gross and like i will never be a good boyfriend ever. how could i be? if i wasnt good enough for you ill never be good enough for anyone, not only that but holy fuck do you know how to run your mouth. after we broke up so many people were telling me on anon that i was toxic and gross and so much worse. i had to hide from the world for months, couldnt even go to cons for awhile because of it. i know you needed support, but at what cost? fuck you.

3. you just straight up pissed me the fuck off. you still do, I WAS NEVER FUCKING OBLIGATED TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO HAD THAT FANTASY, IM SORRY I DIDNT LIKE YOU AS MUCH AS OTHER PEOPLE BUT I NEVER DID YOU WRONG AT ALL, YET YOU STILL WENT AND TALKED SHIT BEHIND MY BACK. you hold the biggest grudges holy fuck you have no fucking chill, even your dad agreed with me and if that doesnt say youre being an immature fuck off then i have no idea what does. honestly ive never met anyone ive hated more than you, you tell people theyre fat BUT HAVE YOU LOOKED IN A FUCKING MIRROR? you make me want to throw up everytime i see you, you cant complain about being fat yet nEVER DO JACK SHIT TO SOLVE THAT LITTLE PROBLEM, ALL YOU EVER DO IS FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR LIFE BUT YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING TO SOLVE IT. so maybe take a look at yourself and think about where youre going in life because honestly? a reality check here, you dont have ANYTHING. whoops

4. i never intended to lose you, im not even sure what i did to you? i never got closure. i never really got anything from you honestly, when i look back i just felt used, like i was just there to pass the time and you couldve left at any point. you were my everything, i didnt have anything else but you. i wish i couldve done something to change the course but i think i did everything i could, as far as my story goes you were putting me off for your girlfriend, i felt alone so i started to talk with other people, you got jealous and then one day, you were gone, didnt want anything to do with me, gossiped with others about how awful i was. what did i do to you to deserve this? what did i do to any of you? i was TERRIFIED to go to school for MONTHS because i could feel your glares as id pass by, i could feel the rumors spreading through the school, i could feel the hate, its been almost a year and i still barely speak in school and my english teacher actually tried to send me to a counselor. i still dont feel worthy to speak, or look up from the ground, or join any clubs, or go anywhere near the japanese room. i dont allow myself to do anything besides sit alone at the third floor BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO CAUSE MORE TROUBLE FOR YOU. sometimes i think about going to your hangout place just to fuck with you some more. did you know the last time we talked, when you told me you never wanted to see me again, i actually broke a locker out of frustration, i didnt want to fucking lose you. why. why did this have to happen to us. what happened.

5. i dont even know what to say to you, honestly you saved me. i felt safe, for the first time in months i felt like i finally deserved something for myself, and i took that chance, i spent HOURS listening to you talk about things, just random stuff, i worked hard, i finally knew how love was supposed to work and i was able to use that on you, and everything was fucking perfect. this is still pretty recent so even now im crying typing this out. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much. why did you leave? im nothing. i loved you so much, you were the first person i truly opened up to like that since jayce, you made me forget jayce, and now i just dont know what to do. what am i supposed to do? how do i fix myself now that youre gone, i dont trust myself to fall in love, i havent even thought about dating since January because a huge part of me is still hoping youll come back apologizing, saying you miss me, and me being the biggest idiot would just forgive you on the spot. how am i supposed to move on when you left too fast for me to even blink. one day you just stopped replying, i dont know what changed, i want you back. im not as happy, im not the same. who am i now? what am i supposed to do, just please talk to me and give me some closure at least, i need it in order to move on, because i still fucking love you with all my being and i will never be able to find anyone better for me than you and i honest to god believe that.

6. i have nothing to say to you anymore, you have no right to claim me, you have no mark anymore, you cant tell me what i can and cant do anymore, whoever you think you are to me, fucking forget it because YOU left ME, and it fucked me up, youre the real reason for all my problems, everything can be traced back to you, you left me and you have NO right to waltz back into my life without an apology expecting me to love you like youre still something to me. youre nothing. i hate you. and the moment i turn 18 youre gonna find out just exactly how much i hate you, i have no remorse or love for you, there wont be any pity, and once im done speaking with you itll be my turn to leave, only this time it will be forever, thank you and good fucking bye bitch.

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