#girl's got her priorities right tho look at her grabbing him ass-first in that last gif

[elvisqueso]

Pocahontas (1995) is a good movie, actually, btw

[mymindwide]

The end of heartache

Pairing: Ashton x Female reader

Word count: 3943

Warning: angst, feelings, smut

Summary: Your heart is broken, but can it be healed?

Author’s note: I hope you’ll love this, cuz this has a chapter two, just sayin’. :) Take care and enjoy your read.

*****

Everyone was pretty excited about the now traditional ‘good luck on tour’ send-off party; everyone but me. They didn’t know that this time it’s gonna be my send-off party too, tho I won’t come back after two or three months. As a matter of fact, I won’t come back ever. I’ve been planning this for months, and the emotional burden it carries slowly started to eat me up. They’re gonna be confused and disappointed, but I reached a point in my life where I have to make myself a priority, where I have to stop fooling myself.

I fell in love with someone who’s never gonna be mine, and the worst part is that I am happy for him; I root for his happiness – with someone else.

But a few months ago I reached my breaking point. That’s how much my heart could take, and this madness went even longer than anyone should do this to herself. I reached my limit, finally. I’ll probably love him for the rest of my life but I need to give myself a chance. I want to give myself a chance but it won’t work if I see him regularly. I’ll always find an excuse; my heart will always convince me that it’s happy when it “feels” Ashton close. I had to make sure this time my brain will win.

So here I am, leaning over the kitchen sink, trying to take deep, even breaths after the fifth or sixth time I threw up today. I knew I have to talk to the guys, they have the right to know I’m about to leave for good. Not the exact reasons why, but the fact itself for sure. I don’t want to just disappear, but it makes me nervous and anxious to the point of actually throwing up.

They became a massive part of my life a few years ago when Calum met my brother and somehow we too started talking and he invited me to a friends’ gathering and since then I’m stuck with them, and they’re stuck with me - the quiet, pretty, nice girl whose humor compensates for the quietness. Not much time had passed when I realized that I fell for one of them, the handsome drummer guy, Ash, with the same sense of humor as mine, with the brightest smile, with the kindest of hearts. But it was already late for me; before I could make it obvious for him, he introduced his significant other to the crew. I clearly remember that day, standing there smiling at the pretty young girl whom I couldn’t even hate, and who was holding hands with the guy I’d have died to hold hands with too.

Since then I am the girl, who is all smiles and fun and supportive, trying to hide the constant heartbreak I have to live with, especially in their presence.

 >>><<< 

 You wanted to keep it together but you couldn’t. You inhaled and exhaled through your nose and you almost started to calm down when Cal arrived in the kitchen with a huge punch bowl.

Your pulse rose higher and that most likely sat out on your face immediately. Some things will never change; you’ll never be a good actress.

 “Hey, are you okay?” he put the bowl down on the counter and headed your way.

 You looked him in the eye, and seeing that honest concern, it broke you. Silently your tears started falling and you covered your mouth with your hand to keep every tiny noise inside that could betray your whereabouts and your current state of mind to the others. It is just enough for Cal to witness and know.

First he couldn’t decide whether to hug you or just leave you cry yourself out, but eventually went for the first option and embraced you in a strong, protective hug.

You grabbed hold of the back of his sweater, squeezing it to the point your knuckles started to whiten, but at least your nerves calmed down enough to feel safe to let him go and look up from his chest.

 “And now I’m listening” he said to you with a bossy expression on his face.

“I need to tell you something” you leaned back to the counter leaving a few steps distance between you two. “I’m gonna leave for New York.”

“Wha…? When?”

“…Tomorrow morning…”

“And you’re just telling me now?!”

“Shhh shhh, I didn’t think this through, okay?” you tried to hush him from shouting out your well-kept secret.

“Moving to the other side of the States? You clearly didn’t.”

“No, how I’m gonna tell you.”

“A-a-and why New York? Wha-what is this madness?” he stuttered from the slight anger that was clearly flowed from his voice and showed on his face.

“I got a job offer there.”

“You’ve got a job here! Is there only one enterprise in this fucking city?”

“Cal, please don’t be mad at me.”

“Mhm” he hummed realizing that he really got tempered quickly. “I’m sorry to say this, but I sense big ass bullshit here. I just don’t see why you couldn’t have told this earlier if it’s really just about a job. There has to be something else. Something doesn’t feel right here. Is there anything else behind this abrupt moving?”

 Suddenly you couldn’t even speak, tho you don’t know why you were surprised, Calum is a very smart guy. Quiet like you, who only speaks when he has something to say, but always has his eyes open.

 “Has anyone hurt you?”

“Me, Cal, I’ve been hurting myself. For years.”

“Could you be a bit more specific?” he frowned.

 You realized there was nothing to lose anymore. You’ll leave the town tomorrow, and will never look back. With all this power in your hands, you can be honest for once.

 “It’s Ash, Cal. I love him. Basically since the day we’ve met.”

 Now you made him speechless. Or you thought.

 “I could say I’m surprised, but I’m not really.”

“You’re not?”

“Girl, now everything makes sense. I saw how you look at him. I think I’ve always seen it, but since nothing has ever happened, I just stopped paying attention. But it all comes together now. Why we couldn’t set you up on a date…”

“I got tired, Cal. Judge me all you want, but I got tired. I love him and believe me I tried to tell myself all kinds of things not to. And still here I am, still happy for him, still unhappy for myself. That’s why I have to go. This is not healthy anymore.”

“But wouldn’t it be easier to talk to him than to move your whole fucking life thousands of miles away from everyone you have?”

“First of all it’s a little bit late for that now I think. And even if I did, expect what exactly? That he’ll just dump her an instant when they look pretty happy to me…?! Tell me something. Is he in love?”

“I-I don’t know… we usually don’t talk about… these things. I mean… I guess so… I don’t know.”

“Well, that’s my guess too” you whispered as the oh so familiar knife chops round in your heart.

“This is still not right… ”

“Right or not, what’s done is done. Now you see there’s no use to tell him. It’s not Ashton’s fault…”

 “What should I know? What have I done again?” Ash jokes as he enters the kitchen to your biggest horror. “What? They just sent me to check on why we can’t have the punch.”

“Sorry babe, I’ll leave you to it” Cal looked at you with eyes wide open and a nod of his head. His facial expression suggested that the moment of truth has arrived and you weren’t happy about it.

 Both you and Ash watched him leave the kitchen, and looked back at each other at the same time.

 “So… what is going on here?”

“Ash, I am gonna move to New York. First thing tomorrow.”

“What? Why so sudden? And what does it have to do with me? You don’t make sense.”

“I’ll do in a minute.”

 He leaned against the kitchen counter, his arms crossed in front of his chest. You have no idea where you found the strength in you, most likely your little talk with Cal helped to prepare your nerves for this conversation with Ash, but a not expected calmness overcame you. You really don’t have anything to lose now. Besides, the memories remain, and you’ll forever cherish your friendship while it lasted.

 “Can you recall the last time you heard me talking about being excited about a date or actually being on a date night?”

“No?! But these are private stuffs; I don’t poke my nose into things that are none of my business.”

“What’s the point of a date if you already know that you’d just fool the other party? When your heart is refusing your common sense? And all this because I already loved someone. It was you. It is you.” you felt like a whole mountain rolled down from your chest.

“What?”

“Now you know.”

“No-no, it’s not fair…”

“Do you want me to be fair or honest?”

“You’ve never even...”

“…tried to tell you? Because the moment I chose to do this happened to be the moment you chose to introduce your girl to us…”

“I had no idea.”

“And that just means I did a great job. Kudos for me, ‘the protector of relationships’” you rolled your eyes.

“Is this true? Is this because of me, then?”

“No, it’s because of me, Ashton. You’re not responsible for my feelings or for anyone else’s.”

“And yet somehow now I feel like it.”

“Well, I tell you, you shouldn’t. Better?” you forced a wry smile on yourself. “Please don’t have sleepless nights because of me.”

“Then why do you sound angry now?”

“Maybe because I never wanted you to know this. Because the whole thing was pointless from the very beginning. Because this conversation is exactly what I didn’t want to have” your voice already cracked. It always does this under a certain type of stress, for instance a confrontation. You’ve been very bad at these your whole life. “And I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself, the universe, god, you name it. But that’s just life I guess. It’s not a sugarcoated shiny bubble for everyone.”

“…I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Remember, I never expected anything from you, I didn’t even want you to know this in the first place, but it doesn’t matter now.”

“I’m… I’m sorry. I mean it.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, too” you tried to smile once again.

 “Guys, are you not thirsty, why do you sit on our drinks?” a very loud and jumpy Luke came round the kitchen bringing you the absolution regarding this conversation, not that you weren’t finished. You think you said all you two could, leastways speak for you, for sure.

 As Luke entered, you headed for leaving the kitchen but before you’d have turned out of the door you touched Ash’s forearm.

 “But I’ll keep being happy for you no matter what.”

 He didn’t even respond, not that you were expecting anything. It was enough for you that he could see you were serious about what you just said. Your mouth can lie, your eyes can’t, and for seconds that seemed eternity at those moments, your eyes held onto each other’s.

 When the crew all sat down to eat, without raining on your dear boys’ parade you broke the news to everyone – obviously leaving out certain details – receiving the same shocked responses you got from Cal and Ash earlier, but altogether everyone was excited and cheering for you and made you promise that from time to time you’ll check in and report about your life in New York. Certainly they were confused regarding the suddenness, but got over it pretty quickly. Except for Cal and Ashton, but they knew the whole truth. It was interesting to witness that now it was Ash’s turn to smile and act like nothing has happened, and he was doing a great job.

At the end of the day they decided to continue the party with a little after show at some bar, which you obviously had no humor to go to, so with the excuse of your early morning trip you said goodbye to this 15 people crew and headed home for the last time.  

 >>><<< 

 You were already in your sleeping t-shirt and shorts when you decided to make the last round in the apartment you rented to make sure everything is packed and to eliminate the chance that something important might be left behind.  You headed for upstairs and were standing halfway on the stairway when the doorbell rang and broke the silence of the dark and still house.

You ran back down to peek out of the peephole to see Ashton standing outside waiting for you to answer the door.

 “Hey” nervousness was reflected in your eyes as you couldn’t imagine what he’s doing here one hour before midnight.

“Can I…?”

“Is everything okay?” you pulled aside from the door so he could come in.

“After our little chat I don’t think so.”

“Ash, I told you to forget it.”

“Cause that’s how it works, right?” he combed his hair back, he looked nervous, his body tensed.

“This is exactly why I wanted to keep it to myself, for fucks sake” you shook your head. “What are you doing here, Ash?” you sighed wearily.

“What I should have a long time ago.”

 For a moment you just stood there staring into each other’s eyes and… there was nothing to explain. That brief feeling you get when you both want something… well, now you both got that feeling. It is that moment, when you don’t want to ask questions, because it’s not necessary. He closed the distance between the two of you, and cupping your face he pressed his mouth against yours, and embracing this madness you happily welcomed his lips. After the first few exploratory touches you almost immediately started searching for each other’s tongue, and now you know how heaven tastes like. It’s soft and silky and tender – it’s heavenly. Letting go of your face his hands slid down your body to lift you up into his lap, your legs hugging his waist, his hands supporting your butt, while your hands caressing his hair at the back of his head.

You don’t know what is happening, but at this point you don’t even care about his motivations. You know you shouldn’t do this but you just stopped caring. You literally ran out of all the fucks to give. It’s the last time you’ll ever see anyone of them, you’ll leave and will never come back. You don’t cheat on anyone but yourself, but you can live with the thought. And as to Ashton… it’s his conscience, he has to deal with it, not you.

But tonight, for the first time, everything’s gonna be simple: he’s gonna love you and you’re gonna give him all that you are, whatever you can.

You wish you had more time, you wish you could get more of him but if this is all you can get, you’ll take it.

 Once you arrived in your bedroom, everything got more hurried and heated.

Both your t-shirts have landed on the floor, and with your back to the bed, you slid up on it, your eyes never leaving Ash's. Reaching in his pocket he pulled out a wrapped condom that he threw on the bed. Then unzipping and taking his jeans and boxer briefs off, he crawled up on the bed and leaned over you. Seeing him already half erected made you swallow hard and ache for feeling him with every existing sense you have.

Your eyes hardly could cope with the beauty his body meant for you. You wanted to touch him, to smell him, to taste him.

He kissed you on your lips, continued lower to suck on the fine and soft skin of your neck making his way down to caress your breasts, licking and stroking your nipples taking them in turns till they got hard under his touch, making you let out the first whimpers of the night. He went lower biting the skin on your stomach, his hands still perfectly covering your breasts.

He stopped at the waist of your shorts to look up at you and without asking anything with a swift move he pulled it off of you.

You loved that you two talked without saying a word, only with your eyes, simply because your desire for each other was loud enough.

Prying open your legs he dived in between them, his hands kept your hips in place and your fingers combed into his hair as he started pleasuring you with his tongue, licking and sucking your clit, your folds, and your entrance; not much time had to pass when you felt yourself getting dripping wet from was he was doing.

Your rapture took control over everything; your mind was clouded, your body quivered under his touch as your orgasm jolted in you making your hips rise from the surface of the bed.

 “Oh God, Ash, please…” you moaned over and over feeling the tiny aftershocks.

 You looked down at him and saw his eyes smiling as your lower half still covered his mouth but you could tell there’s a smile on his face seeing your reaction to him eating you out.

With one last soft kiss on your swollen clit he rose up, now kneeling before you, reaching for the condom next to him.

 “Let me touch you before you put it on. Please.”

 You sat up to his kneeling form still with your legs wide open, your eyes almost pleading. You saw his Adam’s apple lifting in his throat. He lowered his hand still holding the wrapped package and that was your answer you were waiting for.

You took him in your right hand; gently started running your fingers up and down on his hard shaft, your lips kissed and licked his stomach, while your left hand first just rested on his lower back, then the tip of your nails traced a path down to softly dig into his butt cheek. As a reward you got the softest moans that were the most pleasuring sound your ears could ask for. You admired his strong build, his beautiful toned body, his perfect length in your hands.

At some point he reached down to stop your hand from working on him any further and only with his eyes he instructed you to lie back on the bed. After applying the condom on his cock, balancing his weight on his forearm next to your head with one hand he guided himself to your entrance and pushed himself in inch by inch so you can get used to the feeling of him stretching you this way.

You held onto his shoulders; your whimpers quenched by his neck as your lips press against it. And he started rocking his hips, slowly moving in and out, getting deeper with every thrust.

 Even if my mind can process what is going on right now, my heart just can’t. Suddenly my mind had been filled with pictures from my past few years, pictures of a heartbroken girl in situations that hurt her yet no one knew her pain. Pictures of a girl when she felt genuinely happy if she felt Ashton’s attention on her and thereby him close; when they laughed together; the feeling how she felt when he hugged her and yet she knew that meant nothing compared to the hug his real girl gets… And finally pictures from the last 30 minutes, when the person she loved is here with her, he’s all hers, even if for only a very short time.

 You felt your chest crushing up and tears started streaming down on both sides of your face.

 “Am I hurting you?” he halts for a moment, his eyes filled with concern are searching yours.

“Not physically” you think to yourself. “No…” you smiled at him stroking his face while another teardrop left the corner of your eye. “You feel so good. Please don’t stop.”

“You feel good too” he wiped away your tears, and started moving again, a little quicker and harder than before, and he just felt even more amazing.

 You really liked the way you were now, you both knew that this is just what it is, and you didn’t need him whispering meaningless lies to you and thankfully he didn’t feel the urge to do so. And as for you, he already knows everything he has to know.

He knelt up and with this his thighs made you spread your legs even wider and he slid his hand on your inner thighs to keep it that way as he started fucking you again now being able to fully bury his full length inside you. Your heart was panting and both yours and Ash’s whimpers and groans filled the room as he pushed you closer and closer to your climax for the second time this night.

You cried out as it washed over you, your thighs were shaking under his hands, and he stayed still for the moments to enjoy the sight of your trembling body and how your walls rhythmically squeezing his cock inside you. That sensation gave him the final push, after a few more thrusts you felt him stiffen inside you, and with a loud groan he collapsed on top of you burying his face in your neck. You hugged his back and caressed his neck where his condor tattoo is located and his hair right above it.

After a few calm moments while you could digest everything that has happened on your own, he got up to get rid of the condom and lied down next to you.

 “I’m really sorry. I mean it.” this is the only thing he said and you understood everything. There was no need for words.

“I know, Ash.” you stroked his face while he closed his eyes giving in to the feeling of your warm palm on his cheek.

 You pulled the blanket on you, and watched him falling asleep.

 >>><<< 

 It was 5am, you have to leave in a bit, your uber is gonna be here in thirty minutes. You’re sitting on the edge of your bed, trying to take in and memorize all you can from the guy sleeping on the other side.

You’re not looking for reasons, you’re just glad it happened one way or another. It feels like this is more than you could ever ask for anyway.

But looking at him while he sleeps so peacefully… it’s ridiculous how easily you could get used to this scene. Him in your bed, or you in his… passed out after a night like this…

God, how bad you’d like to touch him, how bad you’d like to kiss him awake every morning, how bad you’d like to put your hand over his heart just to feel its even beating… But most importantly how bad you wish you had the strength to say goodbye.

 >>><<< 

 You closed the door with the heaviest heart you have ever felt in your chest. A broken heart, whose most significant part is still lying in your bed…

 You were mine for a night; I was out of my mind. You were mine for a night…