#giant killing machine actually hates this and WANTS TO AVOID HURTING PEOPLE AND THINGS

[zellk]

Qalaari is Going Through It... this dungeon/campaign is, so far, really challenging her beliefs and making it hard for her to avoid using violence / finding a peaceful solution to things ;;;;;;;; It's taking its toll on her.

[nataliedanovelist]

C-137 Vs. 46'\

C-137 Vs. 46'\ = A Gravity Falls & Rick and Morty crossover fic for @stephreynaart! I meant to finish this, like, forever ago, but I did my best and decided this has stayed hidden in my files long enough. I hope y’all enjoy it!

Stanchez for life!!!

~~~~~~~~~~

Episode Placement: GF = after the finale (season 3) R&M = Between S1E10 and E11 (In S2E2, Rick dates 1/12/2015 on the drop-off papers for Jerry. Though Alex hates dating cartoons, it can be estimated that GF took place during 2013 thanks to Sev'ral Timez, so the next summer would be 2014. So… yeah. I put way too much thought into this.)

The vast galaxy in front of them was an endless sea of stars and space-clouds of many different colors. Some were green, some were blue, some were magenta, it honestly looked like a generic Hot Topic galaxy t-shirt.

But Rick didn’t give a shit about some fucking space-clouds or some fucking shop for teenagers who were trying too hard to be goth. Rick didn’t give a shit about the fact that Morty barely knew how to drive the fucking spaceship. Rick only have a shit about getting away from the other fucking spaceships that were after the humans, but he couldn’t drive because Rick had to repair the fucking weapon to kill those fucking bastards. Fuck.

“Aw, geez, Rick, hurry it up!” Morty yelled.

“Don’t tell me how to do my job, Morty!” Rick snapped back as he tinkered with the huge ray-gun that laid by his feet.

The spacecraft jolted to the side as a beam just barely missed it. Rick caught his screwdriver as it flew in the air for a second and he finished the final turn. Rick grinned maliciously and aimed the newest invention out at the enemy. He pulled the trigger and rather than a beam of light or a bullet escaping the gun, it appeared that nothing happened, until each spaceship seemed to be covered with blood and guts from the inside, covering the windows and halting the enemies’ spaceships.

“Oh my God, Rick, what the hell?!” Morty screamed.

“Relax, Morty, you’ve seen worse. It’s just a gun that released microscopic ninjas that slice people up from the inside until they’re nothing b-b-but guts.” Rick burped through the alcohol and leaned on the big gun proudly with a monotone voice and facial expression.

“No, Rick, what the hell IS THAT?!”

Rick looked ahead to see a wormhole of pink, blues, and whites glowing brightly in front of them. Morty was trying to turn the spaceship away, but they were being pulled in by gravity.

“Well, fuck.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Mabel was bouncing like she had springs on the bottoms of her shoes as she held her Grunkle Ford’s hand. They were both wearing ponchos and on their way to the magical part of the forest. Mabel, Dipper, Stan, and Ford had only been back in Gravity Falls for two days and Ford wanted to start off this summer right by bonding with his favorite grandniece in the Multiverse.

Ford felt guilty of the little time they had spent together the previous summer. True, he had arrived home a little late in the season, but he had spent plenty of time bonding with Dipper, leaving not nearly enough for Mabel. Ford loved her very much, but with Dipper things were more predictable. The boy was a lot like him, so Ford knew what to expect and how to bond with him, like playing Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons or working or investigating an anomaly together. Ford had no clue what twelve… thirteen-year-old girls liked and Mabel’s overwhelming flood of love and affection had startled Ford like an old alley-cat.

Still, he admired her positivity and loved to do arts-and-crafts with her. They had captured time last summer for her to make a beautiful hand-turkey on Ford’s six-fingered hand; she had said that the extra feather made it special. The old scientist had no idea what he had done to deserve Mabel… no, he didn’t deserve Mabel, but she seemed to like him, so he owed her some alone-time. Mabel seemed to like the supernatural almost as much as Dipper (Dipper took a more serious approach to it while Mabel seemed to accept everything with loving arms), so Ford offered to take her out to the magical part of the forest over breakfast and Mabel nearly choked on her Stan-cake out of pure joy.

Now, as the morning sun rose and was nearly above their heads, after about an hour of traveling and quietly talking, they were starting to reach the magical part of the forest.

“So, why do we need ponchos, Grunkle Ford?” Mabel asked as she used her free-hand to play with the yellow hood that was over her beautiful brown hair.

“Because the fairies we’re going to investigate are… rather messy.” Ford landed on. The Barf Fairies used to turn his stomach, but after traveling through dimensions for over thirty years, Ford’s stomach had hardened and since Mabel also seemed to have a strong gag-reflex, he decided that he would try to learn more about the less-than-pleasant type of fairies. “I would hate for them to ruin a Mabel Pines original.” Ford added with a smile down at the young teenager.

Mabel grinned braces-free (she had them removed back in February) up at the old scientist, loving it when he called one of her sweaters a Mabel Pines original, and her eyes twinkled when she saw the blue sweater through Ford’s poncho, the one she had made for him with a golden six-fingered hand on the front, like his old journals. “So, these are…”

“Barf Fairies.”

“Right. What do you already know about them?”

“Only that we should avoid whatever they eat.”

Mabel laughed along with him and said, “Okay. Well… I’ve actually never talked to or met a fairy before, so looks like we’re both starting from square-one. Did you meet any fairies out in the Multiverse?”

“Yes, but they were very different than the one here in Gravity Falls. I once landed in a dimension where the seasons changing was caused by the fairies, and in another dimension I met a giant fairy-queen that looked more like a slug with wings covered in glitter.”

Mabel opened her mouth to contribute to the conversation, but they both heard a noise and stopped walking in the woods. The sound had made them think of clanking metal and yells. They looked up and around at the trees, but a little puff of smoke confirmed that they had heard some sort of machine.

“What was that?” Mabel asked quietly.

“I’m not sure.” Ford said honestly and started to walk them to a clearing.

The two Pines left the cluster of pinetrees so they could look around the skies more clearly. It was a beautiful cloudless early-summer day. As they looked up at the heavens above, a flying-disk of a spaceship was whizzing over their heads, having trouble staying up in the air. Ford held Mabel close in fear of it crashing down near them, but the spaceship staggered over the woods and crashed landed from a safe distance.

“Aliens!” Mabel gasped. “Dipper told me about the one under the town! Do you think this is like that one?”

Ford, whose mind was racing, shook his head to try to think straight, and he said, “No, I… I think I know what it is, but… Mabel, I’m afraid the Barf Fairies are going to have to wait.”

Mabel peeled off her poncho and shook her hair free, revealing her purple sweater with a heart and sunglasses on it that matched her red skirt and headband. Ford also took off his poncho, pocketed both of the big yellow articles of clothing in his trenchcoat, but then pulled out his gun. He opened his mouth to tell Mabel to stay close, but she already pulled out her grappling hook and was standing behind Ford, waiting for him to lead the way.

Ford crept back into the woods with Mabel behind him. He had a good idea of what had crashed into Gravity Falls, but he had hoped that he was wrong. He didn’t want Mabel to meet him. Ford was hoping he would never show up in this dimension, but if he was still traveling around the Multiverse…

A low hissing noise from a busted engine told Ford and Mabel where to go. They only had to walk a minute before the spaceship came into view, landing in between two trees and leaving a trail of up-turned dirt in its path before coming to a halt. Ford and Mabel slowly moved towards the ship with their weapons in hand, but they found it unnecessary as a boy stumbled out and coughed into a fist, on his hands and knees and ruffled from the crash.

“Oh geez, oh man, we’re dead. We’re dead. We survived, but we’re dead.” The boy moaned as he slowly stood up. He looked about Mabel’s age, had short brown hair, and wore jeans and a yellow t-shirt with white sneakers.

Mabel pocketed her grappling hook while Ford let his arms fall to his side, but he kept the weapon in hand, just in case. “Huh. That was… not what I was expecting.” Ford said, more to himself than to Mabel.

Mabel stepped forward with her hands up kindly and she cleared her throat, gaining the boy’s attention. He blinked at the two humans and Mabel said in a soft voice, “Uh, hi, I’m Mabel. Are you hurt?”

“What?” The boy asked. He seemed jittery from the crash, his eyes darting and his forehead glistening with sweat. “Uh, n-no. No, I’m fine. I’m…”

“MORTY!”

The boy groaned and squeezed his eyes shut as he tilted his head upward. “Yup, that’s my name. Morty.”

An older man in a white lab-coat with blue-white hair stumbled out of the spaceship, and not out of drunkenness for a change. “Morty, you little…”

“Sanchez.” Ford growled and covered Mable’s ears. He knew this guy had a foul tongue, and while Ford and his brother might have sailors’ mouths, at least he and Stan knew to censor themselves around the kids. Ford’s old friend didn’t.

The old man in the lab-coat looked at Ford and his eyes widened in shock before he grinned. “Oh, no way! Good to see you again, Fordsie!” He laughed, amused by the scenario in front of him. “Great, another genius. Mind giving me a hand with this piece of… erm, crap?”

Ford groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fine, the sooner I can get you out of my home dimension, the better.”

The man Grunkle Ford had called Sanchez appeared shocked again and he dug around his coat. “Wait, wait, wait. Your home dimension?” Sanchez pulled out a white flat gun with a green bulb on top and he seemed to be reading off a tiny screen. “Huh. Dimension 46’\. This one’s way out of the loop. There’s no way I could’ve gotten you home with this thing. How did you manage to pull that off?”

“Long story.” Ford said and pocketed his hand in his trenchcoat.

“Grunkle Ford,” Mabel piped and smiled up at the visitor. “Who’s this?”

Ford looked down at his niece and decided to share this piece of his thirty-year-long journey in the Multiverse with her. “Sweetie, this is my old acquaintance, Rick Sanchez. Rick, this is my great-niece, my brother Sherman’s granddaughter, Mabel.”

“Oh, hey, nice to meet you, little lady.” Rick said with a small smile and then jabbed a thumb back at Morty. “That little screw-up is my grandson, Morty.”

“Oh, yeah, like you could do any better, Rick.” Morty huffed with crossed-arms over his thin chest.

“I could do better, Morty,” Rick said and rounded on his grandson. “You know what else I can do? I can also leave you behind on Asteroid 3924987, but I won’t. I can also feed you to a five-headed mega-bird from Bird-Person’s homeworld, but I won’t. I can also send you to the citadel and trade you in for a new Morty, but I won’t, as long as you quit being a pain in the ass.”

“Rick, please!” Ford hissed.

“It’s okay, Grunkle Ford, I heard worse when I went to get a snack and Stan was watching football.” Mabel giggled, remembering the other night when Stan’s team was losing and he let out a long stream of colorful swears that made him turn red when he realized Mabel had heard him.

“Of course you have.” Ford groaned and shook his head. “Well, let’s see what the damage is, Sanchez. What caused the crash? Did your micro-verse battery finally start a rebellion?”

“No, because they know if they do, I’ll get a new battery, Genius. When we came to this dimension through a wormhole we hit a mountain side and a part broke off here…”

The two old men examined the spacecraft and were discussing ways to fix it, meanwhile Morty walked up to Mabel and rubbed an arm nervously. “So, uh… I guess they met out in the Multiverse, huh?”

Mabel nodded; she didn’t know how these two old men knew each other or why these two humans were in a spaceship, but based on context clues, Morty’s guess made the most sense. “Wait, so you two are from another dimension?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Morty said with a shrug. “This is 46'\, right? My dimension is C-137.”

“Wow, cool!” Mabel said with shining eyes that threw Morty for a loop. “So, what’s different over there? Was Benjamin Franklin a man and never accomplished anything? Are dinosaurs still alive? Oo! I bet your sky is lavender-purple all the time, right?!”

Morty laughed a little and rubbed his arm again. “Uh, no. It’s, I think, pretty much the same as yours. My Grandpa Rick says there’s an infinite number of realities that are just slightly different from one another. M-M-Maybe the difference between C-137 and 46'\ is so small and unimportant it’s not obvious.”

“Oh, okay,” Mabel peered over to watch Rick and Ford work together for a little bit and then she smiled back at Morty. “So, do you always go on adventures with your Grandpa Rick?”

Morty sighed in a shaky puberty-voice and nodded. “Yeah, he’s always making me go on these stupid adventures with him.”

“What?” Mabel gasped with a smile. “They’re not stupid! I’d love to go to a different dimension with my Grunkle Ford! I’ve already been on one with him and Grunkle Stan when they had to rescue me from Dimension Mab3L. The other mes were a little self-centered, but it was a lot of fun to punch myself in the face and rescue my great-uncles.”

“Yeah, but from the sounds of it, your - what did you say, Grunkle Ford? - is nice to you.” Morty pointed out. “My Grandpa Rick treats me like garbage all the time, but then again he treats everyone like garbage, so at least he’s only signaling me out to stay hidden from the Federation or whatever.”

“Oh.” Mabel said quietly and held her hands behind her back bashfully, unsure of how to respond, but she decided to try to make Morty feel better. “Well, my other great-uncle, Grunkle Stan, is a little tough sometimes, but that’s only because he cares about his family and is toughening us up for a tougher world. He’s my hero!”

“That sounds nice.” Morty said with a small smile. He didn’t think Rick cared about his family like this Stan guy, but Morty wasn’t in the mood to kill Mabel’s optimism. “I like your sweater, by the way.”

“Thanks!” Mabel grinned proudly. “I made it!”

Morty’s eyes widened. “Wow, really?” Mabel held out her arm so Morty could feel her sleeve. “Oh my God, that’s amazing! You’re really talented.”

“Hey, thanks! If you want, I can make you one!”

“R-R-Really? You’d do that for me?”

“Sure! What’s your favorite color?”

“Uh… y-yellow.”

“Got it!”

Ford and Rick walked up to the teenagers and the six-fingered researcher said, “Well, I’m afraid the ship lost a part we need, but luckily I have the materials we need to build one in the lab back home.”

“Great!” Mabel said and grinned. “Let’s go! So, how did you two meet, anyway?”

Ford and Mabel led the way with Rick and Morty closely behind. “We met about twenty years ago in a high-security prison. I remember feeling relieved to see another human. I had been without human contact for a little under two years at the time since I had been stranded on some desert planet.”

“Yeah, this nerd got into big trouble for the extinction of a few million species on Planet 8824816.”

“What?!” Mabel gasped and looked up at her great-uncle, unable to believe that he would cause such mass genocide. “Grunkle Ford, you didn’t?!”

“Of course I didn’t, Mabel.” Ford quickly reassured his niece. “That was the planet I thought was a sandwich. Anyway, at least I didn’t do what Rick was in for…”

“What did he do?”

“I purposely caused mass genocide on Sector 56, Dimension “”113.” Rick said in a scaringly monotone voice.

“What?!”

“Rick!” Ford and Morty both scolded at the same time.

“Hey, it was either me or the Valakawns!” Rick snapped back. “Those bloodsucking leeches didn’t see what hit them, until the Federation caught me hanging from a tree upside-down, passed out and drunk.”

“Alright, enough!” Ford said firmly. “Let’s just build the part we need so we can get you two back to your home dimension. And, Mabel, once they’re gone we’re going to patch the wormhole with alien adhesive.”

“Okay. Last thing we want is for Dipper to get stuck in Dimension Dipp-3R or something.”

“Who’s Dipper?” Morty asked quietly.

“My twin brother!”

“Oh, cool! I don’t have a twin, but I have met multiple versions of myself.”

“Hey, me too! I’ve met Table-Mabel, Explainble, Threebel, Military-Expert-Mabel, Brainbel, T-Rex-Mabel, Fire-Mabel, and even Anti-Mabel!”

“I’ve met an Evil-Morty with one eye-patch who worked for the worst Rick in the Multiverse. I’ve also… Well, let’s just say I’ve met a lot of mes.”

The two teenagers talked while the two old men chatted on ways to fix the ship as they got closer to the Mystery Shack. Rick looked up and down the place and then snorted, amused. “Huh. Not the kind of place I’d expect from Mr. Stick-In-The-Mud over here.”

“My brother had to make some… changes in order to pay off the mortgage.” Ford explained and led the way to the back door. He opened it and said, “My lab is downstairs behind the vending machine in the gift shop. I believe Soos is giving a tour, so it should be safe to enter.”

“Gift shop?” Rick laughed and poked Ford’s shoulder. “When did you get so soft?”

“I am not< soft.” Ford said dignified.

“You’re wearing a blue sweater with a gold six-fingered hand.”

“My niece made it for me!” Ford said proudly and puffed out his chest.

Mabel rolled her eyes with blushing chubby cheeks and a smile and decided to let the old guys fight. She took Morty’s hand and said, “Come on! I’ll show you my room! I have a huge sticker collection you’ll love!”

“Oh, okay!” Morty said and allowed her to drag her up to the attic; it was nice being dragged to something nice and safe rather than some new monster of a different dimension.

“But hey, you turned your lab into a gift shop.” Rick was saying while the teenagers did their own thing. “Least you’re making a profit.” Ford wasn’t sure if Rick was being sincere or not.

“Actually, it’s all my brother’s.” Ford said and waved the subject away. “We’re getting off track. Let's just get you and your grandson out of my dimension.”

“Geez, you used to be way more fun.” Rick said with sagged shoulders. “What happened to the guy who ranked up million on Lottocron Nine and got tattoos with octopus-armed piglets? What happened to the interdimensional criminal who once shot fifty Bureaucrats to save a fellow scientist’s ass?”

“He discovered what was most important, Sanchez.” Ford growled with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Oh, HO!” A voice laughed as he shook his head and left the kitchen. “I know this guy isn’t talking about Mr. Goody-Nerds-Shoes!”

Ford pinched the bridge of his nose. The last thing he wanted was for his twin and his old friend to meet, but it seemed like some greater being(s) really wanted this to happen, so here we go.

Rick grinned at the sight of a conman in his suit and fez, with a can in his hand, instantly giving Rick the vibe that this guy couldn’t be trusted but would be a hit at parties and wasn’t a total snitch. “Now THIS is what I’m talking about! Name’s Rick, Ford Two.”

Stan barked a laugh and shook his hand. “The name’s Stan, Genius. And please for the love of Moses you weren’t just talking about my brother?”

“Are you kidding, this guy was a total badass!” Rick jabbed a thumb back at the fuming scientist. “He was a total idiot, had no clue how the Multiverse worked, but he was always willing to barrel into whatever crap was out there and destroy some shit!”

“Okay, you and I need to talk.” Stan tossed him the can of soda and went into the kitchen to get some snacks. “I wanna hear more about what kind of crazy violent nomad Ford was back in the day!”

“You got it! Just tell me how the hell he ended up with a cool twin? What, did you inherit all the fun traits leaving him with hobbies like collecting alien stamps?”

Stan barked a laugh and was back, looping an arm around his skinny neck. “I love this guy! Now, please tell me you were there when he got his stupid tattoo.”

“Stanley,” Ford scolded. “We’re supposed to be working on building the part he needs so he can go home. Rick and his grandson are stranded here…”

“Please, I can make that piece of shit from scratch in my sleep.” Rick said. “And Morty’s fine. That niece of yours will keep his small brain entertained for hours.” He turned to Stan and asked, “You got any booze, we had a rough crash here and I need a drink.”

“I got a secret stash in my room,” Stan muttered. “I don’t like drinking with the kids here, but I guess you can have a shot of whisky to relax. Want some soda?”

“Sure, why not. There’s a bit in my flask to last.”

And the old men walked away for the ‘Employees Only’ part of the house, leaving Ford to grit his teeth in annoyance and then bite his lip in discomfort. This could only end one way and he was not looking forward to it.

To be continued...

[shanie-the-toyaddict]

"Close Quarters and Fake Steak" from Part 2 of Into the Horizon

A full chapter of Zowens from Part 2 of my story. The only real context you need to know here is that "Mara'Monto" means Deathmatch and "sa Heig'on a Manu" is The Arena of Fighting (the gladiator fighting circuit they've both been forced into fighting for.) Everything else I think you can pick up from within the chapter itself. Oh, and sorry for the alien language. It's a thing. It isn't necessary to know exact translations as it's written to only be understood as much as Kevin does. (Third Person Limited Shifting is a hell of a trip) Anyway, this if for my darling@zayneeac's birthday. Happy birthday, darling. Here's to many many more. Enjoy.

Kevin hadn’t intended to fall in love.

Fighting as a team again hadn’t been nearly as difficult as he’d expected. Far from it, he found it exhilarating. He’d always known that he was meant to fight with Sami forever and even the distant future in the 9th Era or Period of those dinosaur bastards fell under the category of “forever.” The only thing that Kevin never would have predicted was the environment where they’d be spending that forever. He’d pictured a marvelous main event sunset at WrestleMania, not some deathmatch pit in a science fiction nightmare.

And yet, they were surviving. Somehow, against all the odds, they were a team again and God it was just like old times. The way they moved in sync hadn’t changed much from their days as a tag team on Earth, although the fighting style was completely different. They won most of their matches, and the ones that they didn’t win were exhibition fights or Gontzos.

Gontzo. Mara’Gontzo, Mara’Monto, sa Heig’on a la bullshit language. Holy fuck did he hate Gorosian. He was trying to learn it but the notion of indoctrinating himself into the society of his captors wasn’t remotely appealing. When he’d taught himself English, it was on his terms. Having the Gorosian’s pisstastic, apostrophe-laden nonsense shoved down his throat offended him on levels he couldn’t express to them if he were permitted. Mainly because he didn’t speak the fucking language. But he still took the lessons and tried a little (very little) if for no other reason than Sami was fascinated about learning the language and attending the sessions with him meant more time they could spend together.

Although, since becoming a team again, they’d been spending all their time together anyway, so it really didn’t matter. Honestly, as much as he loved Sami, the guy could grate on you, and maybe skipping the classes would give him a moment of relief from Sami’s endless curiosity.

Whatever. He knew he wouldn’t stop going. Sami was the one thing keeping him sane in the Arena. Kevin was miserable as all hell, but every time Sami learned something new, his eyes would light up just enough that it stoked the minuscule remaining flame of Kevin’s soul. He hated himself and what the Arena made him do, but every spark of happiness that Sami felt, Kevin felt too.

And frankly, those sparks were all he lived for anymore.

At least they were doing great in the BattleRing.

When they started their run as a team, all their matches were two on one, which you would think would benefit them, but naturally, the Heig’on just loved to make everything difficult. Rather than one standard Manu opponent, they were pitted against anything from giants to ferocious beasts. Even their training had proved little use when facing down some unholy six-legged blend between a rhinoceros, a lion, and an elephant. They had to adapt quickly, and thankfully they did. Even more thankfully, their stint as strictly beast fighters was mercifully short as, once the crowd got behind them, they started to face off against other tag teams. After that happened, there was no stopping them. True, Kevin was always the one to strike the killing blow, but they made it work. Tag teams were unheard of in the Arena before them, at least, that’s what he figured. The years of developed chemistry between him and Sami meant that they could get in each other’s heads on a level their opponents could never dream of. There were still fights where they had to battle monsters, but even then, once they got the hang of fighting the various demon-beasts from across the galaxy, they had no trouble winning.

They were a nearly unstoppable team and with their new winnings, came new privileges. So many privileges. They were called Man’Yokulae in Gorosian and they usually involved some level of comfort or entertainment. But the best privilege of all was that they finally had names. Well, sort of. They weren’t their real names, but whatever powers of the universe threw them into that pit had a sense of humor because their designations in Gorosian both ended in something similar to their real names. 59 translated to Kae’do, and 63 was Zev’ii. It was close enough to KO and Sami that he could deal with them, and he’d requested their names as Kaydo and Zehvee. The names were granted, and finally they were able to use actual pronouns for a change.

Although, Sami wasn’t nearly as fond of calling Kevin “Kaydo” as he was being called “Zehvee” and usually just called Kevin “Kae”. Kevin didn’t care, as long as they didn’t have to speak French. Sooner or later their habit of speaking en français would come back to bite them, so any time they didn’t have to use their native tongue was beneficial.

There were other privileges as well, but being a proper noun was by far the best. He wouldn’t say they were well off though, but whomever their mysterious benefactor was had made them comfortable. They had their own room now, cramped but private. Perhaps a bit too much of both, as Kevin could no longer escape Sami when he was sick of him. And that meant that when he wanted peace and quiet, there was usually none to be found. Far from it, Kevin was slowly being driven insane by Sami’s ceaseless questions.

One day, while resting after a mid-day Gontzo fight, Sami was laying on their bed (because of course, the assholes had only given them one bed) and staring at the ceiling. Kevin was quietly attempting to read an ebook he’d been given to pass the time. The tablet was programmed with a translator, but it was a bit like trying to read a foreign novel filtered through Google Translate. Still, he managed well enough and it helped stave off the boredom. It was a story about some noble rebels standing in defiance against the corrupt Government. It was poorly written and reeked of propaganda, but it was better than making small talk with Sami.

And yet, Sami kept trying

Sami was laying on their bed, playing a small handheld block game that he’d earned. It somewhat reminded Kevin of those old, grey-brick Game Boys, if the Game Boy only played the originally included Tetris game. Sami usually played his game with the sound off, and the room was blissfully quiet, when Sami just had to go and ruin it with yet another question.

“How do the time scoops work?” he chirped from his spot on the bed.

“How do what?” Kevin asked.

Sami popped up from the bed to sit on the edge, putting the game down.

“The time scoops. Those machines that brought us here. That’s what they call them, right? How do they work? All the different aliens around here. Do they have different scoops for different aliens? I can’t imagine a Gorosian fitting comfortably in the pods we arrived in. I know you said they only work one way, but why? Why can’t you go back in them? What’s the hang-up?”

“Just accept that you can’t,” Kevin replied, trying to brush him off.

Sami shook his head, gesturing with his hands as he spoke. “No, it’s just, you’d think time travel would work in both directions. If you can use the devices to pull something into the future, why can’t you use it to shove something into the past?”

“They’re called scoops,” Kevin replied gruffly, “you don’t scoop something backward. Scooping is for removal. From what I understand, without a pod at the other end, you can’t go backward.”

Sami looked sad at the response, dropping his hands into his lap.

“Besides,” Kevin added, “I told you what happened to Earth. The world was already a dumpster fire when we left, and it never got any better. If you went back, you’d just be caught in the same apocalyptic hell as everyone else. All those people, back there on Earth? They’re dead. All of them. Humanity burned, Zehvee. This place is shit but at least we’re alive.”

Sami stared at the floor and his voice was quiet as he replied, “I’d rather have died on earth with them. I hate this place. I hate hurting people just to survive. The arena sucks.”

“Yeah, yeah it does.”

There was a pause before Sami’s voice picked up once more.

“But how do the crowds work?” he asked. “They aren’t actually in the compound; how do we see and hear them like they’re live? What kind of technology does that involve?”

Kevin groaned and threw up his hands in frustration. At that rate, Sami’s questions were going to end him long before some Heig’on fighter did.

But Kevin had nowhere to go; he couldn’t escape. Regardless of how pissed he got, they were together almost constantly. In the events of their inevitable arguments, the close quarters and lack of alternative entertainment forced them to reconcile quickly. It led to far fewer arguments, knowing that they couldn’t escape each other, although if Kevin was being honest, it wasn’t because he wasn’t frustrated, just that he had to watch Sami be in pain over their disagreements, something he’d always managed to avoid when they were rivals in the WWE.

And, somewhere along the way, something changed.

If Kevin had to pick a day or moment, it was after something that happened in the mealhall one day. They weren’t scheduled for a fight that day, so they just trained for several hours before spending some time in their quarters. When it was time for dinner, they were escorted to the mealhall. Sami was excited, he’d done well in an exhibition fight the previous day, knocking out both opponents himself. Of course, Kevin had let him do so, exhibition fights were becoming less frequent for them and Sami shone best when the fight didn’t involve murder, so Kevin had feigned injury to drive Sami to perform harder. He’d stepped up to the challenge and was told he’d be receiving a treat the following day at mealtime.

Kevin laughed. “It’s probably just a different flavor of grey pudding, or maybe a different color. Hey, maybe you’ll get orange pudding, to match your hair!”

Sami just glared at him and said nothing, and when they headed for the mealhall, Sami was excited for whatever he had earned.

He grew even more excited when they turned into the meal hall and Sami saw his favorite Orbaka helper working the food table again.

She, at least Kevin was pretty sure the alien was female, was designated Orbaka-10014. She was of a species that Kevin learned was called “Jakkan” and she was quite attractive, all things considered. She had pale, pearly skin with eyes that, while resembling somewhat human eyes, were a touch too large. Her lips were a royal purple shade, and she had a nose-shaped feature between her eyes and mouth that even Kevin admitted was cute, although there were three “nostrils” rather than two. However, her most prominent feature was how she didn’t have hair. Instead, traveling down the back of her head, neck, and back were two thin black tendrils, about three inches apiece, with small spherical ends on them. Overall, she resembled something out of Star Wars and the rest of her kind had very similar appearances. Jakkans in general, Kevin had decided were probably the most visually appealing aliens he’d seen since arriving in Hell, and if he had to pick the best of them, it’d probably be her.

But Sami… if Kevin had to guess, Sami had a crush on her. He kept trying to flirt with her, something that always seemed impossible due to communication issues. Kevin had learned long ago that everyone they encountered had universal translators, but they didn’t work the same with every species, and whatever algorithm was used to translate English to Jakka was spotty at best. Also, despite his efforts, she never seemed to enjoy seeing him. She always smiled, but it was never a friendly smile, and Kevin was beginning to wonder if smiling meant the same thing on the Jakkan planet. It still didn’t stop Sami from trying, and as he grabbed his tray and headed for the food table, he was looking quite happy.

“Hi, again,” he said cheerfully to the Orbaka, a wide smile on his face. “You look nice today.”

10014 squinted her eyes.

“Friendly?” she asked, not understanding his comment.

Sami raised his eyebrows, nodding. “Well, I’m trying to be, anyway. How have you been?”

“Beans?”

“No, I mean your day. How has your day been going so far?”

“Distance? I have never left Heig’on compound in three revolutions.”

Kevin couldn’t help but be amused as Sami shook his head. He wondered if he should suggest Gorosian as an alternative, but to him, watching Sami struggle with flirting was too priceless to disrupt, so he said nothing.

Sami tried again. “No I mean, how have you been feeling?”

That, she seemed to grasp a bit more and she replied “I understand. I am… alive. Not dead yet, which is preferred.”

Sami smiled again. “Good to hear. So, what’s my surprise?”

Kevin watched as she smiled again, that same miserable version she always used with Sami.

“Trophy?” she returned. “You have won no trophy.”

“No,” Sami replied, “My surprise. My gift. I was told I’d earned something.”

Her smile fell flat and was replaced by confusion once more. As she stood there, trying to understand his meaning, a guard behind her made a loud grunting noise.

They were holding up the process too much.

10014 huffed a bit, her three nostrils puffing out as she scooped the (still) grey pudding into Sami’s bowl.

“Urn?” she told him, “Those perished in Heig’on do not in urns. Incinerated only.”

Sami sighed and dropped his tray against the table in frustration. Kevin, deciding to step in, put a hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“His privilege,” he spoke up.

Still no sign of understanding.

Kevin thought for a moment before deciding to give in and try the other approach. It would probably ruin his fun in the long run, but Sami deserved whatever gift was coming to him and he wasn’t about to let him go without. Wracking his brain to pull out the little bit of Gorosian he’d absorbed, he tried to parse together a sentence.

“Rio Man’Yokulae do Tor’ooq’toan,“ he said. He was certain he was messing it up, and his belief was confirmed when he saw Sami look away, his hand over his mouth to suppress the laughter.

Still, it seemed to get the job done and 10014’s eyes widened, and she made a sound of understanding, an oddly joyful scowl crossing her face.

“Yes!” she said enthusiastically, “Earned reward!”

She stuck her spoon into the pot of foodstuff and headed into the back room.

“See,” Kevin told Sami, “You just need to know how to talk to them.”

Sami was still choking on suppressed laughter.

Kevin shook his head.

Fine. I’ll bite.

“All right, Mr. Quad-Lingual, how bad did I do?” he asked, although he really didn’t want to know.

Taking a deep breath to compose himself, Sami replied with a grin. “Well, you called me a trans woman and referred to yesterday as ‘the before time’ but at least you got your point across.”

“Jesus. I hate it here.”

Before Sami could respond, the Orbaka returned with a small plastic cup with dark liquid in it.

“SolTerra bean beverage,” Orbaka-10014 chirped, holding the cup out to Sami.

Sami looked confused for a moment before realization dawned on him. It was his turn to go wide-eyed as he exclaimed, “Wait, coffee? There’s coffee here?!”

The Orbaka moved the cup a bit closer to Sami who gladly accepted it, not even putting it on his tray. He looked down at it, before commenting, “Black, hm? I guess I don’t get any kind of soy or sweetener.”

The Jakkan just stood there looking perplexed, replying, “Added sweet? Coffee not meant as sweet. Bads flavor.”

Sami shrugged and gave a warm smile to the alien woman, saying, “Still, it’s nice to have.”

He paused before adding in Gorosian, “Hintoq’ho Gyntviana Roa”

The Orbaka’s eyes lit up and her cheeks flushed a shade of violet.

The guard behind them grunted again, this time louder and angrier.

The Orbaka’s shock disappeared, followed by a quick “Yo’Vaa’Dan” as she served Kevin his food. More of the same as usual. God, he hated the grey pudding. But, with the guard getting angry, Kevin knew they needed to be moving along and he gently nudged Sami’s foot with his own.

“Right,” Sami said, moving and, taking their trays they both headed for their assigned seats. Midway there, Sami took a sip of his coffee. Immediately, he stopped in his tracks, so abruptly that Kevin nearly plowed into him.

“Shit,” Kevin swore. He took a moment to readjust his food on the tray and moved to stand beside Sami, looking for what the hold up was. Sami was standing there, staring at the cup of coffee with the most disgusted look on his face as though he was about to retch on Kevin’s boot.

Kevin couldn’t help but smile. “Not good?” he asked.

Sami’s face un-contorted, transforming into a look of determination and he held out his tray to Kevin.

“Kae,” he remarked, “would you mind taking my tray with you to our table. I need to… um… go water that plant over there…”

Sami motioned towards a potted, tree-like plant in the corner that was standing unattended. Kevin fought valiantly to suppress the snorted laughter that was trying to erupt from him, instead silently taking his tray across his forearm and doing the same with Sami’s on the opposite side. With both trays balanced, he silently headed for his table, making sure to keep an eye on what Sami was doing. He sat down, trying to be discrete, and as he sat there he watched Sami casually make his way over to the plant. After checking to make sure nobody was watching, Sami turned his back to the plant and, without even looking at it, dumped the cup of coffee behind him into the dirt. After the cup was empty, he returned to where Kevin was and sat down across from him.

Kevin was unable to hold back the laughter anymore, nearly choking on his efforts to do so (as well as that damn pudding).

He swallowed his mouthful and asked, “That bad, huh?”

Picking up his spoon and digging into his bowl of slop, Sami just shrugged. “I guess I should have known better. I can’t imagine them having coffee plantations here.”

“No, probably not,” Kevin agreed. “Hey, out of curiosity, what did you say that made her blush like that?”

Swallowing a spoonful, his friend replied, “Oh not much. I said thank you.”

“Uh-huh. And? I knew that much, what was the second part?”

The redhead turned sheepish. “I might have called her beautiful as well.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “God you’re hopeless.”

They both got quiet after that, focusing on their meals, until, after about five minutes, KO happened to glance back up at the plant Sami had “watered”.

It was starting to wilt.

Kevin had to suppress another laugh, an action that he wasn’t getting any better with over time. Sami heard him and, following his line of sight, also noticed the plant in distress.

“Ah hell,” his friend muttered, before grabbing the cup of water off Kevin’s tray, standing, and leaving.

“Hey!” Kevin cried out as he took the cup away, “Dammit Zehvee!”

Sami wasn’t listening, nor was he trying to be inconspicuous this time. He strode over to the plant and, bending over, distributed the water around the soil in the pot.

Naturally, a guard noticed, and Kevin let out a worried sigh as the guard headed over to where Sami was. He strained his ears to hear the conversation, but they were a bit too far away. He just turned his eyes down toward the table, an almost instinctive action in the face of possible trouble, and waiting until Sami returned to his seat. When he did, his friend let out a satisfied hum.

Kevin was a bit surprised at that and, his eyes still on his food, asked in a hushed, low tone, “You get bitched at?”

“Nah,” Sami said, totally undisturbed as he returned the empty water cup to Kevin’s tray, “he just told me that there’s Orbaka that tend to the plants and that I shouldn’t bother with them. I’m fine. Thanks for the water, though. It’s looking better already.”

Kevin looked up at Sami. His smile was so warm and infectious, and as he looked behind his friend, he realized Sami was right. The tree did look better.

Sami was still smiling. The misery and steel-walled prison they were in, forced to fight for the amusement of slavemasters and bloodthirsty sadists, and Sami was concerned with a damn plant. He couldn’t help but return the smile and as he sat there, basking in the glow that his friend always seemed to have around him, the walls of his heart began to crumble, broken down by cinnamon curls and hazel eyes.

After that, it was only a matter of time before Kevin loved him completely. TBC

[frappsundies]

DUMP OF ALL THREE (3) AUs

A whole lot of nonsense blease disregard

Bad Dolphin AU

Premise

After losing his ability to find humor in things and being forced to work for Professor Poopypants, Harold slowly drifts away from George. He believes that it’s better for the two of them to stop being friends, as they generally get in each other’s way. George, after an accident involving time-travel and dinosaurs, has somehow been turned into a reptilian hybrid, which usually does him more bad than good.

Differences in Attributes / Appearance

Harold: Missing an eye and has a scar on the right side of his face

George: Everything pertaining to his skin is green, and he has scales all over his body. He has pointed ears, and two particularly large canines on the left side of his mouth. He also has a tail that (sometimes) seems to have a mind of its own. Can become animalistic, whatever that means, since he’s never awake when that happens.

Melvin: Acquired superpowers similar to Captain Underpants’, with both additional powers and less strength. Unlike Krupp, he doesn’t get his powers from the sound of a snap, but instead from hearing a safe word. After a set period of time the powers go away, and the cooldown time varies. He can also see without his glasses when his powers are active, but he still prefers to keep his glasses on.

Captain Underpants/Krupp: Separate

Relationships

Harold/George:  

Both Harold and George have conflicting feelings about the other. Harold doesn’t want to stay friends with George, but he also tends to get a little jealous when George does things with other people. On the other hand, George wants to be friends with Harold, but is afraid that he’ll hurt him again, which is part of the reason Harold doesn’t like him in the first place.

Harold/Melvin:

Melvin had wanted to befriend Harold ever since kindergarten, but when he finally worked up the courage to ask, George had moved to Ohio and quickly became friends with Harold. This led him to dislike both of them. However, after he gets the opportunity to work alongside Harold, he uses it as a chance to both become friends with Harold and make George jealous. Harold likes Melvin, but he doesn’t consider him as a replacement for George, contrary to the other boys’ belief. Harold also tends to get upset with Melvin, since he thinks that because they’re friends, he has a green card to do whatever he wants.

Harold/Poopypants:

Despite the fact that initially they were in a villain-lackey relationship, Poopypants and Harold kind of develop a borderline father-son relationship. Poopypants hates Harold and Melvin less than most other kids since they don’t laugh at him, most likely because they can’t rather than them not wanting to. Harold warms up to the evil professor after a while, even agreeing with some of the things that he says. After Poopypants learns what happened to Harold’s biological father, he does become more lenient. Harold has a softening effect on Poopypant’s personality, while Harold becomes more and more annoyed with all the things the Professor hates.

Harold/Heidi Hutchins:

Harold loves his sister, but because of constant stress and being around her and their mother less often, he has a tendency to keep things hidden. He blames himself for her getting hospitalized.

Harold/Porkbelly:

Porkbelly is the most similar to a father figure for Harold. As uncommon as it is for Porkbelly to be around, he still treats Harold as if he were his own kid.

George/Melvin:

George doesn’t like Melvin, but he tolerates him. If forced to, they will work with each other. They argue a lot, and since they have the same class, they interact quite a bit as well.

George/Krupp:

At first, Mr. Krupp only gets along with George because he and Harold help him get a date with Edith. In spite of that, due to not being able to hang out with Harold, he turns to Captain Underpants instead. George tends to lounge around in Krupp’s office whenever he gets detention, and will stay over at Krupp’s place sometimes, with the permission of his parents. Similar to how Harold and Poopypants have opposite effects on each other, Krupp becomes slightly nicer and George is meaner and a bit more selfish.

George/Underpants:

George thinks Captain Underpants is annoying, but he has to deal with him because he’s a hero. Captain Underpants is very caring, even when George doesn’t want to be cared for.  

George/Kipper:

Kipper and George are friends, along with Kipper’s friends: Loogie, Finkstein, and Bugg. Kipper still doesn’t like Harold, and vice versa. Kipper and George hang out whenever time permits, and Kipper is willing to protect George if necessary. He was also one of the first to learn about George’s “freak-outs,” and he knows the specific things that make him uncomfortable.

George/Edith:

Edith is very motherly toward George, and lets him eat behind the counter in the cafeteria, since no one wants to sit next to him anyway.

Fancypants AU

Premise

When George and Harold were around 3 or 4, Professor Poopypants made a machine that malfunctioned and launched large masses of debris off in different directions. Two pieces hit each of the unsuspecting boys’ houses. By some miracle, they survived, though the parents did not. George is found by two lovely Spanish parents (who are planning to move to Ohio), and Harold is taken in by the professor who caused the whole event.

Differences in Attributes / Appearance

Harold: His hair is usually covering his right eye, and is often seen wearing a crown (no one knows if it is authentic or not, he won’t tell anyone.) Harold has cuts and burns from almost getting fried by the explosion. He writes things in his notebooks, both in class and when he’s alone. Rarely seen as discontent.

George: Speaks Spanish, as he grew up with a Hispanic adoptive family. He, like Harold, has burn marks and scratches, from the explosion he was caught in, on his arms and legs. George also has a mark on his face from the same incident. He tends to try to cover them up, while Harold makes no real effort to do so. He draws and paints when he’s by himself. Generally, he is either scowling or frowning.

Captain Underpants (Señor/Herr Fancypants): Has a sombrero and a royal cape in the comic, but will grab anything to use as a cape as long as it’s purple. George carries around a sombrero on his back, since Fancy seems to like wearing it.

Relationships

Harold/George:  

Harold doesn’t really like George, and is, in fact, upset that George doesn’t do whatever he tells him to do. He’s the butt of George’s jokes and pranks when it isn’t one of the teachers or Mr. Krupp. Harold constantly tries to make George be his ‘friend,’ which in reality equates to being a flunky, like Melvin. George doesn’t like anyone at the school, and Harold and Melvin are his least favorites besides the adults.

Harold/Melvin:

Melvin receives some form of validation and praise from Harold whenever he makes an invention, whatever the purpose of it is. Melvin was Harold’s first attempt at making a friend, so Melvin considers himself as Harold’s friend. That being the case, he doesn’t like George because Harold keeps trying to befriend him. With how Harold essentially rules the school, Melvin thinks he’s also above the rest of the students, despite being treated very similarly by Harold. In exchange for helping with his homework and doing mostly whatever he demands, Harold feigns friendship. Occasionally, Harold will actually be nice to Melvin.

Harold/Poopypants:

Poopypants more or less adopts Harold after accidentally almost killing him. He feels guilty about it, but he still hates kids and doesn’t know how to deal with them. Anytime Harold would complain or ask for something, Poopypants would get it for him just so he would stop bothering him, resulting in Harold becoming a spoiled brat. Harold doesn’t like for people to make fun of Poopypants’ name.

George/Harold/Fancypants:

Both George and Harold think Fancypants is extremely annoying. He also pushes them to work together, which neither of them are particularly willing to do.

George/Romero

When they were younger, the only people George would have to turn to were his parents because Romero made his life nearly unbearable. Romero didn’t like all the attention George would get, being the newest addition to the family of four, so he would do his best to bully George and make him feel like he didn’t belong there. Subsequently, George avoided other students because he thought they didn’t like him, and other students tend to avoid him, since he looks unwelcoming. Romero is nicer to George now, but George still doesn’t trust him, or anybody else.

Mythos AU

Premise

A vampire, a merman, and a shapeshifter are the three closest friends at Jerome Horrorwitz Elementary. They also experience some of the weirder parts of the community, like a werewolf who transforms in the day time, a dwarf who wants to take over the world, and various out-of-control monsters.  

Differences in Attributes / Appearance

Harold: All merfolk have sparkles on their face that match the color of their tails; Harold’s tail is blue. In his more human-like form, his feet are blue instead. All of his teeth are sharp, and he has a shell necklace that lets him stay on land for prolonged periods of time.

George: His eyes are red and his skin is lighter. He’s got four sharp teeth used for sucking the red out of things.

Melvin: Has pointed ears and a missing tooth (cause unknown). Does have a sense of humor, but it spans a smaller range than George and Harold’s.

Krupp/Underpants: A giant werewolf, that for some reason, changes in the day time rather than at night.

Relationships

Harold/George/Melvin:  

Harold, Melvin, and George are all friends. Melvin is known, however, to betray them for his own benefit at times. George and Melvin like to hang out with Harold, but they can’t get too close if he’s wet, as both of them get burned by sea-water. George is only able to be outside with them sometimes, due to the sun being extremely harmful.

George/Underpants/Harold/Melvin:

Underpants often carries the boys around since he’s so much bigger than them. None of them exactly know how he succeeds at anything, him being a mixture of clumsy and too big not to cause collateral damage (in regards to buildings). They understand his flaws and love him anyway.

Krupp/Edith:

They have a crush on each other, but their height difference is a bit restrictive on their relationship.

[stopraidingmyheart]

About the character!

Tagged by the oh so lovely @falloutglow​

Your muse’s name: Loralei (Daughter of the chieftain)/Lo/Moody

One picture / faceclaim of your muse:

(Had to rush this halfway through because I wanted to finish this before I left for the day! Concept tattoos for everyone with one complete and one unfnished!)

Two headcanons you have for your muse?

She...actually has constant dreams of these strange looking creatures looking down at her and her home. Anytime she tries to leave, she can’t because there seems to be some sort of invisible wall preventing her from doing so. She wakes up in sweat because she’s screaming at everyone about what’s happening but no one believes her!

She gets cold super easily because she was spoiled by the canyons she grew up in that were constantly warm! She’ll usually have a jacket with her unless it’s straight up summer in the Commonwealth and will complain the entire time until the coldness is gone.

Three things your character likes doing in their free time:

Drawing/sculpting/tattooing! Loralei is a creative soul and looks for creative outlets. She has a sketch book filled with things from strangers to crushes and...some inner thoughts she’d rather keep personal. She’s also taken up sculpting small tiny statues from the trash/junk she finds throughout the wastes, it’s usually kept together with gum and is usually a horse. Then there’s tattooing! That’s right, she also tattoos. The intricate tattoos that she has, she didn’t do herself, she knows a guy at Bunker Hill who has a whole ass machine and found out a way to make colored ink. He’s her go to. Loralei doesn’t have a machine...yet, she does poke tattoos! Usually will only do small ones because she doesn’t have time for huge ones.

Listening to music/singing/dancing along with it. Loralei...also likes to sing. It’s a hidden passion that she keeps under wraps in fear of ridicule. Only those close to her will hear her small whispers of a song or if she gets swept up in a feeling. Often she’s singing ‘Begin Again’, the likes the melancholy tune and will often hum it while drawing as well. Dancing is much rarer to come by. This girl has great control of her hips. Dancing is such a popular element back at home, it's how they tell stories.

Fun fact...she likes to climb things. I guess parkouring is the word? Loralei has long legs and she has high ass agility too, maxed out. So often, she’ll want to find a quiet spot in the inner cities of the Commonwealth to just...think to herself. So often, she’s scaling buildings in hopes of a finding a good spot and...has anyone noticed the crows around here? Loralei has...they’re...strange. She doesn’t see life behind the eyes of, not like the other birds...she’s just being paranoid. Been around Tinker Tom for too long is all.

Seven people your muse loves/likes:

Deacon - Yes, believe or not...she loves this fool like her own brother...er...if she were close to her brother. They’ve had heart to hearts and she knows things of him that he hasn’t told anybody...and in turn he knows things about her that she hasn’t told anybody. They’re often partnered together because Loralei is able to reel Deacon back in when things gets a bit out of hand. She’ll be the first to tell him when an idea is garbage and yes...she did rip that dumb fake earring out of his ear. No, we’re not going into a raider base pretending that we’re “piercers giving out free cool piercings!”. That’s dumb! That’s stupid! And these raiders don’t deserve to be pierced by anything but a bullet! Plus Deacon helps her bleach her hair.

Glory - aka, Loralei's ’ huge crush. Loralei does develop crushes on women easily, just...be soft with her and you’ve caught her. Only difference between Loralei getting a crush on you...and Loralei wanting to date you is...well you have to be able to deal with Loralei at her worst. At her worst, she can be a challenge. She can be mean and snappy. She’ll out right refuse any help and would rather mope and suffer then anything. So she needs someone who knows how to give tough love while avoiding to step in a certain territory of abuse. Glory knows exactly what type and how much of tough love to give. When Loralei first started bumming around the railroad, after the second week was up, Glory was the first one to tell Loralei to get off of her ass. Gave Loralei this new motto of "Replace the bad memories, with new good ones.". It's why Loralei has fallen deep for her. Glory also helps Loralei shave the side of her head which is often since Loralei's hair grows so fast.

Old Blue - Loralei's soul, the reason she made it past 12. Old Blue is Loralei's big ass horse, he sadly is still currently back home. He's an old man of 23 and has been with Loralei since she was born. They share the same birthday and everything. He's a giant but an absolute sweetie unless you hurt Loralei then he's gonna try and kick you then stomp on you. He saved Loralei from a yao guai attack when she was younger and decided to hunt for the first time by herself. Plan for Loralei is to get a huge plot of land, build a farm there and live out the rest of her life raising horses and radstags. Loralei has a tattoo of him on her right leg.

Desdemona - Des was the one who even allowed Loralei to stay with the Railroad after her ex left her heartbroken. She felt bad enough for her and didn't even make her join. Was surprised when Loralei asked to be an official member. Figured that having a cruel ex who was a synth would be enough for that hate to start. Most people haven't met a synth and hate them. Then she notices the soft looks Loralei gives Glory and...well, that all makes sense doesn't it. Des will often get on Loralei's ass when she's having a particular bad attitude that day.

Tinker Tom - Tom is like an annoying little brother. His talk of aliens is grating to her sometimes, she just wanted to talk about her weird dreams without the "are you sure you aren't alien made? I mean, the fast healing, the blue blood-" but...she loves him like a little brother. She likes listening about his tinkering and is actually drawing her up something in hopes a making a tattoo machine. Safe to say that she does find him charming and someone she cares dearly about.

Freya (her mom) - most of Loralei's childhood is being ignored. She's always been labeled as someone who'll bring you down with her and for the fact that one of her eyes is blue instead of green...was said to bring bad omens. Was almost killed as a newborn but her father refused to ever let such a thing happen. Freya is the only person in the tribe that has the same mental issues as Loralei...but Freya would get caught up in keeping the tribe together and they just...never really talked. Loralei is like that with all her immediate family.

Lulu (older brother) - Lulu and Loralei get along better then the rest of their family. They're still kind of awkward and aren't sure how to show each other affection but when Lulu comes around for a quick visit then they'll often share a smoke together and just...talk about their lives together. One of them is supposed to take over the chieftain role when their parents no longer can but...neither one of them want to.

A phobia your muse has: 

Would it be weird to say meeting the beings in her dreams? She has so many dreams of just beings watching over her tribe. Seeing them as toys...or pawns or...pets. Loralei isn't sure. Just...she doesn't want to meet them. Ever. She feels like she isn't even supposed to know that they're there.

This is a tag free for all! So if you're seeing this, do it! It's a great way to delve into your OCs!

[jaynaneeya]

History Repeats Itself

Okay, so I originally intended this to be my entry for the Shipwrecked Five contest, but I got kind of carried away and it was ending up way longer than I originally intended, so I didn’t get it finished until now. Honestly, I don’t even know if it’s good anymore, and it’s about 7500 words, but if you want to read my unnecessarily long conspiracy theory tying together the Shipwrecked Comedy Cinematic Universe, here it is. Spoiler alert for Poe Party, Kissing in the Rain, American Whoopee, and The Case of the Gilded Lily

Revenge was so close he could taste it. The lifetime of dreaming, scheming, plotting; it had all come down to this moment. Struggling with all his might, he could feel his enemy’s strength yielding, the blade of the ax inching toward his throat. In just a few seconds, Edgar Allan Poe would be dead, and Eddie would be on his way to Canada, where he planned to spend his remaining days contentedly stringing along both Brontë sisters. This was his final thought before something hard struck the side of his head, abruptly ending his life.

What happened next was a mistake. Lenore found another psychic ghost summoner to bring back Edgar’s friends, but she inadvertently summoned everyone who had died in the house that night. From the moment he was conscious of it, Eddie hated being a ghost. He had thought his thirst for revenge had been all-consuming in life, but at least then he’d had other things he needed to focus on, like eating and sleeping and working. In death, he had none of those distractions. This wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d been able to exact his revenge on his killer, but Edgar was now surrounded by ghosts, most of whom were in that state because of Eddie, and if preventing him from hurting Edgar made him unhappy, they were determined to dedicate their afterlives to doing just that. At least, that was how Mary Shelley put it, and the others readily agreed, when they forced him out of the house.

He stole one final glance at Annabel’s face before his departure. She didn’t look angry like the others. She looked – he searched for the word as he glided away from Poe’s property – hurt. Betrayed. True, she had always loved Edgar, had only chosen Eddie because he seemed more respectable. Eddie in turn had only chosen her because she was close to the poet, and thus would be extraordinarily useful in his diabolical plot. But for the first time it occurred to him that they could have been relatively happy together. She might be secretly pining after Poe, and he would be secretly thirsting for revenge against disgusting hacks who called themselves writers, but they could have suppressed these urges and chosen to live in comfort, pretending to be normal, contented people.

“What am I thinking?” the ghost asked himself aloud. “I managed to kill seven authors! I wouldn’t trade that for anything!” And then it hit him: he would never have managed to maintain the charade, but Annabel would have. Even though he had strangled her with his own hands, she had been the stronger person.

Thoughts like these haunted him for weeks as he wandered aimlessly around Baltimore. When he could stand it no longer, he found a psychic and begged to be un-summoned.

“I-I beg your pardon?” the psychic stammered.

“Send me back! I was summoned by accident, and I want to die. Let me move on!” Eddie pleaded. He tried to shake the psychic by the shoulders, but he hadn’t quite gotten the hang of becoming corporeal and instead fell straight through the psychic, who sighed.

“I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that, sir. Only you can determine when you move on. Once all your remaining unfinished business is complete, you should simply be able to…slip away.”

Eddie furiously struggled to his feet. “But I can’t finish my unfinished business! They won’t let me kill Poe! Isn’t there any other way?”

“If you can’t finish your unfinished business, the only other way is to forget about it completely…I’m sorry, they won’t let you WHAT?!”

“Never mind,” he mumbled. “How do I forget about it?”

The psychic looked quite wary, but replied, “I believe some manage it by moving on to another century.”

“So you’re telling me I have to wait at least 100 years before-”

“Oh goodness no! I mean, just travel to another century.”

“What do you mean? How do I just…ghosts can time travel?”

“Sure, why not?” the psychic shrugged. “Some do it constantly. It’s one of the few advantages to being dead, I’m told.”

“But how does one travel through time?” he asked. The question had barely left his lips when his surroundings disappeared. He could see nothing but molten lava. The earth had just been formed. “That was easy,” he marveled.

What was harder was controlling when he traveled to. He could jump eons by simply thinking about time travel, but initially he always ended up in random times. He encountered several terrifying creatures from either the distant past or distant future – he was never quite sure which was which – and occasionally humans wearing strange clothes, often speaking languages he didn’t recognize. None of this particularly interested him. Eddie had never cared for anything that he couldn’t control. It wasn’t helping him move on either; all he could think of was that he had unintentionally done H.G. Wells a great favor by killing him.

Eventually, he found himself in a time during which the world seemed to consist entirely of giant slugs. “Oh, good, I’ve hit a new low,” he commented to one of them, which continued slowly gliding without acknowledging the ghost that had just appeared next to it.

“My dear Lenore, did you hear someone speaking?” asked one of the last voices Eddie had ever wanted to hear again. He threw himself flat on his stomach, hoping the slugs would block him from view.

“Who cares? Let’s get out of here, it’s disgusting!”

“Do you think the slugs can talk?” the first voice pressed.

“Listen, H.G., this time traveling is great and all, but I hate it here. Haven’t we made 100 trips yet?”

“Nearly. This is our…” Eddie heard the sound of notebook pages being turned. “…97th. Only three more randomized travels and we’ll be able to control it! All we’ll have to do is think of a year and poof! There we’ll be!”

“Good, let’s move on to our 98th. I’m getting slime on my dress.”

Silence returned. Eddie stood up. He was covered in slime, but this felt like the first productive trip he’d taken. Unlike H.G., he didn’t know exactly what number he was on, but at least he knew that eventually he’d have some control over when he went.

After that, he thought of a year every time he traveled. At first, it was clearly wrong; he thought of 1700 and ended up surrounded by machines that hadn’t even been invented in his time, then 1900 and came face-to-face with a dinosaur. But then, at last, he thought of 1850, and ended up in surroundings that looked familiar. He found a newspaper stand. The date on the paper was August 22, 1850. He couldn’t resist; as passersby stared, he gave himself a slow clap.

After a few trial periods in various eras, Eddie decided to settle in the year 2010. Safely in a different millennium from his own time, surrounded by humans who essentially looked and talked like those he was used to, seemed like the perfect environment in which to forget his unfinished business. He was unpleasantly surprised to learn that none of the authors he’d killed had been entirely forgotten, but while most people had heard of them, it seemed that relatively few had actually read their work, so he could easily avoid hearing about them. Best of all, it was a time of many distractions. He took to haunting various electronics stores; when they closed, he would turn on a device and play games all night, trying not to think about how his revenge had failed.

He had passed through a few years in the normal way before he admitted to himself that it wasn’t working. The games weren’t distracting him. As he played, he always found a way to pretend he was killing Poe. He tried to tell himself that as Poe was long dead by now it no longer mattered, but he couldn’t convince himself this was true. Eddie could forgive Edgar for killing him – it was self-defense, after all – but he couldn’t forgive him for winning. Eddie was supposed to emerge from that night triumphant, and Poe had snatched that victory from him. No matter how many games he dominated, Eddie was never going to recover from that humiliating defeat at the hands of a liar and a thief (just like every writer) who was too pathetic to ever leave his own house.

One day, late in 2013, he was wandering outside aimlessly, thinking that perhaps he should try a different century, when he heard something that completely changed his afterlife.

“Edgar, you can’t. You can’t be here.”

“Just listen, Annabel.”

Eddie turned. There they were: the couple he hated with every bit of ectoplasm that composed his ghost. But was it them? It certainly looked like them, and yet, somehow, they seemed…different. Edgar obviously could have changed in appearance after Eddie knew him, but Annabel…she should have looked exactly the same as the night he’d strangled her, but she had definitely changed, somehow. As Eddie gaped at them, they kissed, and he suddenly realized that they were standing in the rain, even though it wasn’t raining, and that’s when he noticed the film crew.

“That was beautiful! Cut.”

The rain stopped, and Edgar and Annabel broke apart awkwardly. It wasn’t them. They were actors, making a movie. Eddie was impressed by the casting; they greatly resembled the original people their characters were based on. Then it began to dawn on him that perhaps he could have his revenge after all. The trifling facts that these people had nothing to do with him and that the real Edgar Allan Poe would never suffer even if they did barely troubled Eddie. He’d killed a bunch of unrelated authors because of something William Shakespeare had done to his ancestor centuries earlier. This was no different.

Before he was asked to leave for ruining a shot, Eddie managed to overhear enough scraps of information to start him off on his new quest. The actors were named James Rochester and Lily Thomas, and it was their last day of filming on this movie. They had clearly worked together before, but they did not seem to be on very good terms personally. Nevertheless, they were going to start filming their next project in Los Angeles in a couple of months, during which time Eddie vowed to spend learning everything he could about filmmaking.

When the next James and Lily film started shooting, Eddie was part of the crew. He’d invented a resume that he didn’t think fooled anyone, but it was a low-budget film and he was working for free (ghosts had no use for money, after all), so they were happy to have him. But his plan to get close to the stars didn’t go very well; they were too busy snapping at each other to pay much attention to anyone else on set. At first, Eddie found it immensely satisfying to watch the people he saw as Edgar and Annabel constantly fighting. Then he actually started to like them. Edgar and Annabel had been such pushovers; James and Lily were both strong and sassy, which Eddie admired. But as filming progressed, he noticed that they seemed to be softening toward each other. Their insults had lost their zest; they seemed to be fighting out of habit rather than dislike.

On their next film, it was even worse. They were nice to each other, and once when they were kissing, they didn’t immediately break away when the director yelled, “Cut!” A few weeks after filming wrapped, Eddie heard that Lily and James had started dating, but they didn’t have any future projects lined up. After that, he didn’t have any direct contact with either of them for several months.

The bus station was almost deserted. She sat alone, staring into space, not even pretending to play on her phone. He had never seen anyone look more dejected. He forced the triumphant grin off his face and approached her.

“Excuse me, but aren’t you Lily Thomas?”

She glared at him. “Don’t tell me you’ve heard of me.”

“I worked on two of your films. I’m Eddie De Vere. I don’t really expect you to remember me.”

“Oh, now I do. Sort of.” They both knew she was lying, but he sat down next to her anyway.

“So, where are you going?” he asked.

“Away from here.”

“Still acting?”

“No.”

“Still seeing James?”

She started, then narrowed her eyes at him. “Why are you asking me all these questions?”

He did his best to look uninterested. “Just making conversation. Last time I saw you, you were still acting, and it seemed like you and James were together.”

“James and I had a misunderstanding, and the entertainment industry and I had a falling out. That’s why I’m leaving. Now I don’t want to be rude, but will you please leave me alone?”

Having orchestrated both the misunderstanding and the falling out, Eddie was well aware of this. He had followed her to the bus station merely to gloat. But he didn’t find it nearly as satisfying as he’d anticipated. He wanted her to go off on an angry tirade, abusing her jealous ex-boyfriend who had thrown her out based on unfounded rumors, and berating the film industry for unfairly blackballing her. But instead of boiling with anger at the injustice of it all, she merely seemed resigned. She was prepared to move on with her life, perhaps ultimately to find happiness. After all his hard work. Eddie wouldn’t stand for it. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked.

“No. Honestly. I’ll be fine. Life just sucks sometimes.”

“I think it’s a tremendous waste of talent for you to quit acting.”

“It would be a tremendous waste of time to try to keep acting after everything that’s happened.”

A light bulb turned on in Eddie’s brain. “What if you tried to keep acting before everything that’s happened?”

Lily considered his face carefully. When she realized he was serious, she started to inch away from him. “That’s okay, I-”

“You don’t understand! I can time travel! I’ll take you back to the Golden Age of Hollywood, and you’ll be a sensation!”

She stood up. “I just remembered, I’m at the wrong bus station.” She grabbed her suitcase and started to run away from him.

“Wait!” he cried, jumping up. Taking a running leap, he dove through her, landing on the ground in front of her. She couldn’t stop in time and ran straight through him before she stopped dead, then slowly turned to face him. “I’m a ghost,” he said unnecessarily.

“I noticed.”

“I can time travel,” he added, standing up.

“And you can take me with you?”

“Yes.” He didn’t know if this was true, but it was worth a try. It wasn’t like he cared if anything bad happened to her.

She raised an eyebrow skeptically. “And why exactly do you want to help me?”

“It’s the only way I can move on,” he invented. “I have to help someone find happiness. Otherwise I’m trapped as a ghost forever.”

She still looked suspicious. “Why?”

“How should I know? I don’t make the rules! Are you coming or not?”

Lily thought about it for a few moments, decided she didn’t have much left to lose, and said, “Okay, take me to early Hollywood.”

He grasped both her hands tightly in his, screwed up his face in concentration, and thought about them both traveling through time. Her gasp told him something had happened. He opened his eyes. The bus station was gone; they were on a deserted street, lined with a few scattered cars.

“I don’t believe it!” she cried. “Where are we? I mean, when?”

“I was going for 1940, but the cars look too old.” He supposed the timing was less precise when someone else tagged along.

Lily pointed to a movie poster on the building next to them. “The War. That came out in 1923. We must be around then.”

“Want to try making it in silent pictures?” he asked.

She shrugged. “Why not? If we fail, we can always try a different era, right?”

“I guess…wait, what do you mean, ‘we’?”

“You’re trying this experiment with me, aren’t you? You weren’t planning on letting me fend for myself in a strange year, were you?” she added, somewhat suspiciously.

“Oh, no, of course not,” he lied hastily. “Let’s both be silent film stars. How hard can it be?”

Extremely hard. Even from its earliest days, Hollywood has always been about connections, and since everyone working there in 1923 was born after Eddie’s time and died before Lily’s, they had none. Eddie wanted to offer to forego wages like he had done in the future, but that wasn’t going to work for Lily. He couldn’t understand why he wasn’t just abandoning her. That would certainly complete his revenge, and then he could move on with his afterlife. But, much to his own disgust, Eddie actually wanted to see how she would fare in this unfamiliar world. So he stayed.

They started working as extras. Their combined wages were barely enough for Lily to survive on, but she didn’t seem to mind; she was constantly marveling about how inexpensive everything was. Most importantly, they had their feet in the door. Eddie was greatly impressed to observe that Lily was almost as good at schmoozing people as he was, and although it took time, eventually they started to land slightly larger roles. They decided to adopt new names; Lily became Minta Monroe, while Eddie went by Johnny Busterfield. They appeared in several mildly successful comedies and a couple of dreadful dramas, but they were having fun. Eddie grudgingly admitted to himself that he was starting to like Lily, and he enjoyed being around her so much that he almost forgot his ambition to make her as miserable as possible. Almost.

Then came what looked like their big break: a new teen comedy with a huge cast was announced. Minta Monroe and Johnny Busterfield murdered their auditions and landed key roles, alongside such big names as Buster Keaton, John Barrymore, and Slim Sockwillow. Eddie thought Slim looked an awful lot like both Edgar and James, but Lily didn’t seem to notice any resemblance to her ex, so Eddie decided it must be all in his head. He also could have sworn he’d seen most of the other actors before. He told himself that this was probably because they’d been in other silent movies he’d worked on, but deep down he knew the truth: he was still seeing images of the lives he’d ruined everywhere. But he pushed away these thoughts and plunged into the project.

The picture was to be called American Whoopee. Eddie had far more fun making it than he’d ever had in his life or death, but his enjoyment was nothing to Lily’s. She managed to convince the director to add a bunch of references to future teen comedies, simply for her own amusement. Minta Monroe was hailed as a creative genius. Eddie enjoyed sharing in her private joke too much to care that his plot to ruin her life was backfiring horribly. He started to notice that it was getting harder to stay solid; perhaps he was finally on the brink of forgetting his unfinished business and moving on to the other side.

American Whoopee was almost finished filming. Eddie was reading the newspaper, enjoying a rare afternoon off, when he heard a knock at their apartment door. He answered it, to see Slim Sockwillow holding a bouquet. “Hiya, Johnny, is your sister in?”

Eddie was bewildered. “My-”

“It’s okay, Johnny, I told him our secret,” Lily interjected, hurrying to join Eddie at the door. “Sorry, I meant to tell you I have a date with Slim this evening. You don’t mind, do you?”

Eddie liked Slim. They’d worked very closely together on this film and were constantly making each other laugh. But as he contemplated the young man holding flowers outside his door, Eddie didn’t see Slim; he saw Edgar Allan Poe, holding a pet rock.

Slim’s grin faltered. “Say, Johnny, I know how you feel; I have two kid sisters myself. But I promise to have her home at a reasonable hour. We’re just going out for a bite and a dance. Unless…unless you have any objections,” he added, quivering under Eddie’s hostile glare.

“I don’t care if he does,” Lily asserted, pushing the fuming, completely corporeal Eddie out of the way and taking Slim by the hand. “See ya later, Johnny,” she called, slamming the door behind them.

The newspaper Eddie had been holding immediately turned into a crumpled ball of fury. The one and only thing that could have ruined his contentment had happened. His alternate Annabel had fallen for this Prohibition-Era alternate Edgar. The fact that Eddie actually liked them and didn’t mind if they were happy was immaterial. The horrible night he’d almost forgotten about replayed in his head over and over as he paced around the apartment, interspersed with new images of Lily gasping “It was always you” in Slim’s arms.

After what felt like weeks to Eddie, Lily finally returned from her date. “Fine time to get home!” he spat at her the moment she walked through the door.

She had the audacity to laugh at him. “It’s only 8:30, and I can’t believe you’re jealous.”

Eddie was completely taken aback. “I-what? I’m not jealous, I-”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Oh please. Eddie, you’re a great guy, but I mean, you’re dead. You can’t honestly think you and I could have a potential future together.”

“I don’t- That’s not why I-” he stammered.

“I’m sorry about the brother thing, but he asked me if I was living with you, and I thought he’d be more likely to believe ‘Yes, but he’s not my boyfriend, he’s my brother’ than ‘Yes, but he’s not my boyfriend, he’s the ghost that brought me here from the future.’”

Eddie found his voice. “Exactly! You’re from the future! He’s old enough to be your great-grandfather! That doesn’t bother you?”

Lily shrugged. “Not really. We’re the same age now, and besides, I really like him a lot, and we had a great time, and we’re going out again tomorrow night, and if you don’t like it, you can go haunt somebody else!”

Eddie didn’t like it, but he had a better idea than haunting somebody else. The following day, he managed to sneak away from set long enough to make a few important calls from a phone booth around the corner from the studio. The day after that, American Whoopee’s final day of shooting, several papers reported some dreadful rumors about the film. It was said to be “filth” created to “corrupt the minds of young America” whose cast was “entirely comprised of drunken rabble-rousers who eagerly flout the laws of the land”. Each day that followed brought news of a new scandal involving either the film itself or its cast. By the time the trailer was released, the studio had received hundreds of angry telegrams, and after seeing the trailer, the public took to the streets to protest. Naturally, the film was never completed, and almost the entire cast (with the exceptions of Buster Keaton and John Barrymore, whose reputations had remained unsullied) were fired from the studio, with almost no hope of being hired elsewhere.

Lily was furious. “I can’t believe my life has been ruined by rumors AGAIN!” she fumed. “If I ever find out who fed the media those ridiculous lies, I will literally kill them.”

“Yeah, this sucks,” Eddie agreed, suppressing a smirk. “You want to try another era?”

“What I want is a drink,” she muttered.

“So that’s a yes?”

She sighed. “I guess. Hey, you couldn’t bring Slim along too, could you?”

Eddie managed to hold his temper. “Sadly, I can only time travel with one living person. Are you okay with that?”

Lily wasn’t sure she believed him, but she nodded and let the ghost take her hands. Eddie thought of the mid-Cretaceous period, reasoning that no Edgar look-alike could exist where there were no humans, and that even if he ended up a few decades off, that wouldn’t make much difference. But when they’d completed their journey, the world didn’t look nearly different enough. The streets looked essentially the same as the ones they’d just left, although there seemed to be a lot more homeless people around.

“When were you trying to go to?” Lily asked.

Before Eddie had to answer, a shabby-looking man approached them and said, “Hey, brother, can you spare a dime?”

Eddie reached into his pocket and found a quarter. “I’ll give you two bits if you tell me what year it is.”

The man eyed the coin hungrily, but with a trace of suspicion. “It’s 1934. You a Rockefeller or something? Nobody just gives away a quarter.”

Eddie handed over the coin and turned back to Lily as the man hurried away. “Sorry, I guess we didn’t go very far. Why are you smiling?”

“Because Prohibition ended in 1933 and I can get a drink here!” She hurried into a nearby bar. Shaking his head slightly, Eddie followed her. He was starting to think he would never succeed in making her miserable.

The bartender greeted them cordially. “Welcome to Bixby’s Lounge. I’m Bixby. What can I get you, and why are you dressed like a flapper?” he added, eyeing Lily’s outfit.

“Oh, just had an audition,” she replied casually. “I think I blew it though,” she added. “I’ll have a dry martini.”

“You’re okay staying in 1934 for a while, I take it?” Eddie asked when Bixby had busied himself with other customers, as she drained her martini glass.

“Sure, this is about when we were trying to go the first time, remember? Talkies should be easier for me than silent films. We better think of new names, though. I like the sound of Vivian Nightingale, what do you think of that?”

The name made him uncomfortable. He couldn’t place it, but he thought it was vaguely connected with that horrible night at Poe’s house. “That sounds familiar. Wasn’t that the name of an Oscar Wilde character or something?”

“Not that I know of. I’ve never come across it before. But I think it suits me, don’t you?”

The familiarity of the name still bothered him, but he shrugged it off. “Sure.”

“What will you go by?”

“Eduardo Dantes,” he decided, determined not to let anything distract him from his revenge from now on.

Once again, Lily and Eddie started as extras. This time, however, Eddie did everything in his power to prevent them from booking auditions. They got a couple of bit parts, but nothing that would gain them any recognition. But Lily was more resourceful than he’d given her credit for. After a few years of almost constant failure, she managed to finagle two invitations to a party for producer Roger Haircremé. “If we make a good impression on him, we’ll have this town in the palm of our hands,” she told Eddie.

Eddie accompanied her to the party with plans of creating the opposite of a good impression. As if she had read his mind, Lily suggested they split up as soon as they arrived. “If he sees us together, that might hurt both our chances,” she reasoned.

“You mean it might hurt your chances,” Eddie muttered, but she had already disappeared into the crowd of stars. She was beating him at his own game, and it hurt his pride more than he wanted to admit.

“Cigarette, sir?” asked a voice at his side.

He turned to say “No, thank you,” to the attractive cigarette girl, but before she walked away, he noticed her nametag. “Wait! Your name is Lily Thomas?”

“Almost. It’s actually TH-omas.”

It took Eddie a moment to digest this. “Wait, really?” When she nodded earnestly, he said, “I used to know someone named Lily Thomas.”

“Oh, well she can’t be any relation. The TH-omases and the Thomases have completely different origins. I’m from Minnesota.”

“Really? What brings you to L.A.?” he asked, though he thought he knew, and if he was right, he could still manipulate the evening after all.

“I wanted to be an actress, but it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought maybe if I could meet Roger Haircremé…”

“There he is right now!” Eddie exclaimed, spotting him across the room. “Here, I’ll hold your cigarettes, why don’t you go up to him and turn on the charm? Just don’t tell him who you are; he’ll never know.”

Eddie expected her to be suspicious, but she immediately did as he suggested. It worked perfectly; Roger had eyes for no one else the entire evening.

As the party was winding down, Eddie finally found Lily Thomas (not TH-omas) again. “How did your evening go?” he asked her, waiting for her disappointment.

“Fine,” she replied. “Hey, Bill, come here, I want you to meet my brother.”

Eddie froze, preparing for the worst, but the man named Bill looked nothing like Edgar. “Nice to meet you,” Eddie sighed with relief.

“Bill’s a director,” Lily explained. “He thinks I’d be perfect for the lead in his next picture, and he wants me to audition for him tomorrow.”

“That’s great, congratulations,” Eddie managed.

“You can head home now if you want. Bill will drop me off later.”

Vivian Nightingale booked the lead in Bill’s new film, and in his two films after that. Between the second and third, they got married. Annoyed as Eddie was by her success, he knew that Lily didn’t love Bill, and so could never be truly happy. It was almost enough.

Then the inevitable happened. Eddie was having a drink at Bixby’s Lounge when he heard a familiar voice ask for two fingers of scotch and limited eye contact. There, a few seats down the bar from Eddie, was the Edgar Allan Poe lookalike of the 1930s.

Eddie nearly panicked, but he calmed himself with the knowledge that Lily hadn’t met this one, and probably never would, if his anti-social demeanor was any indication. Still, just to be on the safe side, when the Poe doppelganger had left, Eddie asked Bixby if he knew who he was.

“Ford Phillips, private investigator,” Bixby said. “Why do you ask?”

“I thought he looked familiar. He’s not an actor?”

Bixby laughed. “That man hates show business and everyone involved in it. Personally, I love show business, but he’s one of my best customers, so who am I to complain? I’m Bixby, and Bixby never complains about customers.”

“Say, Bixby,” Eddie began slowly, an idea forming on how to keep an eye on this Phillips, “I notice your floor show is a little thin, and I could use a job. Think you could use me?”

“How good are you with puppets?” Bixby asked immediately.

This was not the response he’d anticipated. “Excuse me?”

“I love puppets. If you can do a puppet act, you’re hired.”

“Can you provide the puppets?” Eddie asked.

“Of course. Bixby’s got everything.”

“Then I can come up with an act,” Eddie agreed.

Ford Phillips came into Bixby’s at almost exactly the same time every night, but he never talked to anyone except Bixby. When Lily asked to see Eddie’s act, he told her to come several hours before Ford would be there, and he made sure to hurry her out before he arrived. Still, Eddie had a lingering fear that the more famous she became, the more difficult it would be for even someone who hated show business to avoid seeing her, and if Ford was indeed the Edgar he appeared to be, Annabel’s face could easily change his opinion of actresses. Eddie needed to interfere with Lily’s career yet again. But how?

The answer came with the following morning’s headline: “WILHELMINA VANDERJETSKI WEDS HOLLYWOOD MOGUL!!!” Underneath was a picture of Lily TH-omas, and the article detailed her wedding to producer Roger Haircremé, as well as glowing reviews of her first starring role, in a film which had just been released. Roger was quoted as saying, “Willie’s a breath of fresh air in this tawdry town. I was about to leave Hollywood before I met her, but as long as she wants to star in my films, I want to keep producing them.” So Eddie had done something right at that party after all.

Eddie prided himself on his ability to manipulate people, and Bill turned out to be even more of a pushover than he’d anticipated. It was almost too easy to convince him to switch to Roger Haircremé’s studio. Bill willingly signed a contract on behalf of both himself and Vivian Nightingale. The wife of the director didn’t stand a chance against the wife of the studio head, and Lily TH-omas beat out Lily Thomas for role after role after role.

“She’s not even that good of an actress, and she has to be the stupidest person I’ve ever met!” Lily vented to Eddie. “If I could work for a different studio, I might stand a chance, but that moron I’m married to thinks Roger’s the best producer out there. If it weren’t for that stupid contract-”

“How is dear Bill?” Eddie asked, thoroughly enjoying himself.

“Ugh, don’t ask. If I didn’t need his money, I’d divorce him in a heartbeat. What a bore. Luckily, he’s not the only man in the world.” Eddie couldn’t believe his ears. Had she managed to meet Ford despite all his efforts? But then she added, “It’s too bad I haven’t met anyone like Slim in this decade. I can’t find out what happened to him either. Man, I miss the internet.” Eddie started to relax, but she went on, “I’m thinking about finding another job, to save up for a divorce. Bixby’s seems like a good gig for you. Do you think he’d hire me too?”

That was the last thing Eddie wanted, but she wasn’t to know that, so he just shrugged and said, “It’s worth a try.”

When he got to work the following day, Eddie told Bixby, “Listen, I heard Vivian Nightingale was going to ask you for an audition, but I’m not sure she would be the best fit for your place.”

“Why not?” Bixby asked.

“I mean, she’s a film actress. I just think she’d seem out of place in a lounge.”

Bixby had a strange look on his face. “Well, I didn’t think so. She sang so well at her audition this morning that I hired her immediately.”

Eddie’s heart sank. “Oh. Okay. Well that’s…that’s good then. She’s more versatile than I thought.”

Somehow, Eddie managed to keep Lily offstage whenever Ford came in. This was made more difficult by Bixby, who seemed to want Lily and Ford to meet. Eddie noticed that Bixby’s manner had gotten much colder toward him since Vivian Nightingale had started singing there, but he didn’t give it too much thought.

Then Wilhelmina Vanderjetski hired Ford Phillips to find out who was blackmailing her, and her rival Vivian Nightingale was an obvious suspect. So Ford and Vivian met. And even when her name was cleared, they stayed in touch and became friends. Eddie was beside himself with rage.

“Four different men in five different states?” Bill repeated. “How is that even possible?”

“Trust me, it’s possible,” Eddie insisted. There was silence on the other end of the phone. “You still there, Bill?”

“Are you sure? That’s not the Vivian I know.”

“Sounds like you don’t know your wife at all. I thought you had a right to know. But you didn’t hear it from me,” Eddie added hastily.

“I understand. Thanks, Eddie.”

That evening, Eddie was distracted during his puppet act by a loud argument from Vivian’s dressing room. When he was finished, he knocked on her door and called, “You’re on in five minutes, Viv!” A moment later, she burst through the door, slamming it behind her. “Everything all right?” he asked innocently.

“Bill found out,” she fumed. “And what’s more, he has the gall to be angry about it. It’s all well and good for him to run around, but as soon as I do the same thing…”

“You married a misogynist in the 1930s. Shocking.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m going to sing, and then get drunk. He’ll calm down eventually.”

Eddie waited for Bill to emerge from the dressing room, but he didn’t. Vivian finished singing, and another act started, but still, no Bill. Finally, Eddie knocked on the door. “Bill? You okay?” He opened the door. “Look, buddy, I know it’s tough, but…” He stopped abruptly. Bill was dead. He had ripped the cord off the blinds covering Vivian’s window and hanged himself. “Oh, buddy,” Eddie groaned disappointedly.

This hadn’t been part of the plan. Bill wasn’t supposed to kill himself. But it suddenly occurred to Eddie how to use this to his advantage. He stole the suicide note, which simply read, “I can’t go on, knowing you don’t love me.” Next he untied the cord from the rafters and positioned Bill’s body on the floor. Then he went to see a movie at his favorite theater where the ushers recognized him, to give himself an alibi.

As Eddie had anticipated, the death was deemed suspicious enough to warrant an investigation, with the widow as the prime suspect. As Eddie should have anticipated but didn’t, this prompted Lily to hire private detective Ford Phillips to launch his own investigation. With the help of his sidekick, Fig Wineshine (who Eddie thought bore a nauseating resemblance to Lenore), Ford was able to prove that Bill had committed suicide, reasoning that his body could have fallen to the floor between his death and his discovery, and that not all suicide cases involved a note. Vivian Nightingale was not going to jail and was no longer married, and Eddie waited in trepidation for the thing he most dreaded to come to pass.

About a year later, it happened. Despite booking a few film roles, Vivian and Eddie were still primarily working at Bixby’s. After their last set of the night, Eddie was about to leave when he heard Lily tell their boss that she was taking a two-week vacation the following month.

“Where are you going?” Eddie demanded.

Lily actually blushed. “Well, on my honeymoon, if you must know.”

“You’re getting married again? To whom? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Calm down, Eddie. I’m marrying Ford Phillips next month, and I didn’t tell you before now because I knew you’d get upset and try to stop me. But Ford isn’t like Bill, or any of the others. He has a tough exterior, but he’s kind and genuine and intelligent, and I think he’s my last chance at happiness. You told me once that you needed to help me find happiness. I stopped believing that a long time ago, but please don’t prove me right.”

Eddie was startled. He stared into her eyes, trying to discern how much she had figured out.

“Absolutely, take as long of a honeymoon as you want,” said Bixby, making both Eddie and Lily jump. “And congratulations!”

“Thank you, Bixby!” She hurried off to change out of her costume. Eddie gaped after her, wondering how he could possibly win this time.

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it.”

Eddie turned to see Bixby glaring at him. “I don’t know what you’re-”

“Drop the act, Eddie, I know who you are.” To Eddie’s shock and horror, Bixby put his hand through the bar. He was a ghost, too. “That’s right,” said Bixby. “I’m not Bixby.”

For the first time in his crazy, mixed up afterlife, Eddie considered the possibility that he had lost his sanity. “Who are you?” he asked.

“I used to be known as Constable Wesley. I helped arrest the Brontë sisters, but I never caught you. When I died, I was forced to return as a ghost until I brought you to justice. I travelled through the centuries until fate brought us together here. I’ve been keeping an eye on you. I notice you seem to have lost some of your murderous tendencies, since apart from almost allowing an innocent person to be executed for a murder that wasn’t a murder, you haven’t gotten close to murder since you’ve been here. But if you try anything more to ruin the happiness of this person you plucked from the future because of her resemblance to Annabel Lee, I will be forced to make the rest of your afterlife a literal hell.”

Eddie’s head was spinning so fast he had to sit down. “How do you know all that?”

Not-Bixby poured himself a drink. “I’m Constable Wesley,” he replied simply, toasting himself.

Before Eddie could fully appreciate how completely stymied he was, the door to Bixby’s burst open, and a man stormed in.

“We’re closed,” Constable Wesley announced casually, as though he hadn’t just revealed himself to be a time-traveling ghost.

“Where is she?” the man demanded. “Where’s Vivian Nightingale?”

“I’m right here, Edwin, calm down,” Lily said, emerging from the dressing rooms.

The man was shaking, red-faced, and having trouble getting his words out. “You…said…you said…if not for…your husband…you and I…we…”

“Edwin, I’m sorry, but-”

“And now…you’re going to marry…” Suddenly he pulled out a revolver. “I won’t let you!”

“Edwin, don’t!” she screamed, but he pulled the trigger, then dashed out the door as she crumpled to the floor.

Constable Wesley glared at Eddie. “Tell me you didn’t call him.”

Eddie was in shock. “What? I didn’t even know-”

“Good,” Wesley snapped before taking off after the shooter.

“Eddie!” gasped Lily.

Eddie rushed over to her. There was blood everywhere. “You’re going to be okay,” he assured her, kneeling down and taking her in his arms.

“Stop lying to me,” she groaned.

“Lily, listen! I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen. I thought I wanted revenge, but really I just wanted-”

“Eddie,” she gasped again. His heart leapt expectantly. “Tell Ford how much I love him.”

The ghost of Constable Wesley helped bring Edwin to justice, which was apparently enough; he was able to move on. Eddie envied him desperately. He had no idea what to do with his afterlife now. He made several attempts to time travel back to that day and stop Edwin from showing up, or at least to take the gun out of his hand, but it didn’t work. He couldn’t be corporeal in two places at the same time. Stupid ghost rules.

He took to haunting Lily’s grave. Her tombstone had the name Vivian Nightingale on it, but no one had been able to find out when or where she was born. Eddie had been disappointed by how few people had shown up at her funeral, and he felt even more disappointed later when no one else except Ford Phillips ever visited her grave, until he remembered that her lack of connections had mostly been his fault. How could he have thought that ruining her life would help him? She deserved better than this pitiful grave that only one man and one ghost ever visited. She deserved some sort of memorial.

And that’s when it hit him. The Vivian Nightingale Memorial Ball. She wasn’t an Oscar Wilde character, but she had effectively introduced him to Oscar Wilde. And there was only one way that Vivian Nightingale could have a memorial ball established in the century before she existed.

He considered not doing it. If the ball didn’t exist, that night could go differently. Oscar Wilde wouldn’t be there to confuse his emotions, and his plot might succeed. He might win, or at least survive, and none of this would ever happen. Lily Thomas would be happy with James Rochester, American Whoopee would be released with actors other than Minta Monroe and Johnny Busterfield, and Lily TH-omas would never meet, marry, and be blackmailed by Roger Haircremé.

Eddie resisted for as long as he could, but ultimately, he realized it was futile. He couldn’t create a paradox. He needed to go back and establish the Vivian Nightingale Memorial Ball so everything could happen exactly as it was supposed to. And then maybe, just maybe, his unfinished business would count as complete, and he could finally move on.

[wildlingknight]

So like I wrote this stuff down around September 2017 with the intention to write a fic about it (I might still do that when I have more time) but it’s just sitting and festering in my drive so I’ll put it here for now and build on it when uni is done. It’s a super long post but I did put a cut in.

There’s a whole bunch of mind vomit stuff here:

 I was talking to my discord group about things that could have been added to Botw because I’d gotten to a point in the game when I’d done mostly everything and was just putting off facing Ganon because I didn’t want it to end. So I came up with gods and spirits that you might meet in random places and sometimes they have quests for you or something. Taken directly from the server:

“This isn't really a hc more a random idea but what if there were time specific places on the map in botw? Like I just found  place on the side of death mountain called shadow hamlet ruins, what if you go there and it's just some ruined houses with a meteor wizzrobe in any other time but on the night of a new moon there's like creepy shadows that kinda come out of the wood work and shadows of the ruins and they don't exactly attack you but make you super uneasy and circle you a bit and it's like the people who lived and died there as a result of the calamity, like we know it corrupts the living but what if it doesn't let the dead rest either?

Like there are places all over hyrule that are just places until you visit them on a specific night or day or when certain parameters are met and you have a unique little event happen like a person you wouldn't meet any other time with items you can only get from them or maybe the dragons rest somewhere and you can just stumble across them, or more spirits and godlike beings who you wouldn't come across any other time apart from this one random spit of woodland halfway up the dueling peaks on a night where it's raining you come across an ethereal glowing woman or something who watches over the plants and mushrooms like glow like her, and you can't really interact with them because we are insignificant to them, they are so indifferent to us with our mortal comings and goings that the most we can hope for is a glimpse of them, just to make the world feel even more alive than it already does

I think Link is more aware of them because he is goddess chosen, goddess touched, and he's a gentle and pure soul who they in turn are drawn to, I like that he has a connection to them through having being dead but I personally like to think they're a bit afraid of him, he was brought back through science like magic without the godesses interference or hands, that shouldn't happen he died and by all means should have stayed dead but here he is, wandering hyrule saving people and dragons and riding gods across plains and placating giant mechanical creatures that will only listen to him, in their eyes he's a fucking monster or demon

And they know you don't piss off a demon who denied death so they're cautious but curious in equal measure”

And then neatened up and made less mind vomity:

Ruins

On specific nights- different for each ruin- the ghosts of the people who lived and died there during the calamity come out on the night they were wiped out. Different for each place depending on how close they were to castle and what the actual cause was, e.g. castle town would have been hit first and hardest by the Calamity itself so that would get spooky on the night of Zelda’s birthday every year. If they are fairly far away from the castle e.g. Shadow Hamlet ruins on the far side of Death Mountain, it would be a different night and they would feel different due to the nature of their deaths, such as being wiped out by monsters fuelled and powered by the Calamity. They don’t attack but most travellers accidentally come across them and fear for their lives saying ruins are haunted at night so they try to avoid them, preferring to go to living villages or taking their chances with monsters out on the roads or in the woods. When Link (and later Zelda) enter the ruins on the specific night they act up the spirits hiss and circle him and lament their passing in groans and wails but they do not come close because he is light and they cannot touch him. He died for them and Zelda cried for them, they are Goddess chosen and Goddess touched.

Lesser Gods and Spirits

Found all over Hyrule, again during different specific times when certain parameters are met.

A lesser Goddess who watches over plants and mushrooms that glow with the same ethereal light as her- can only be found where they grow in abundance, like the pillar in Kakariko on a rainy night during a new moon, and also conversing with Cotera the great fairy there.

A giant stag with two faces who watches over the life and death of animals, seen all over Hyrule as long as there’s a moon showing, so not on cloudy nights. Eyes like miniature galaxies and coat the colour of moss, fur appears to be made of grass and hooves of wood and several times the amount of antlers normal deer have that are white like bleached bone and strung with what looks to be pearls.

A woman with long black hair, horns like a Lynels and the face of a wolf who’s snout ends turned up like a Moblin’s, with three eyes that constantly glow like the reflection of a cats at night and who’s mouth doesn’t move when she speaks in a growl and smoke and sparks emits from her open mouth over her lolling black tongue- the Mother of Monsters and she hates Link.She doesn’t attack him when he meets her but she is unkind to him and she growls and snarls at him, threatening to curse him and his children’s children for as many of hers he has killed. Found in Akkala in Rok woods and Tempest Gulch most commonly but also occasionally other places, can take the form of a monstrous wolf when the need to escape arises.

A child made of water that swims with the fish, watches over everything that lives and breathes in water. The Zora refer to them as ‘The Child of Nayru’, and offer to them to keep the fish they eat good and plentiful. Seen by Link on the banks of the Rutala river when he stops for a drink after tackling the Rucco Maag shrine. Ripples like water constantly so it’s difficult to pin down specific features or gender, and voice is almost gurgling sounding

A giant scarab beetle, white and iridescent, often seen in the desert around Dragon’s exile and known to Tera, the great fairy at the Gerudo Great Skeleton, the god of all insects. (There’s a joke going round Hyrule that Beedle is the god of all insects.)

The spirits that are just going about their work are cautious but curious about Link. Usually they are indifferent to mortals, their everyday motions and wants insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The Calamity was a tragedy, but nature still goes on so they can’t afford to abandon their work.

Link and Zelda

The Gods are frightened of them. Link died and should be subject to the laws of all living things but here he stands, blemished but alive, and yet it was not the Goddesses who chose this, it was without their aid, a magic forged by man. Instead he wanders, alive and well, helping who he can, man and spirit alike, Dragons take notice of him, Gods allow his burden upon their backs, abominable machines who listen to only him, at his command. And Zelda isn’t dead either, they should be dead, they had their time, had their chance. They carry too much light within them it hurts the spirit’s and god’s eyes to look upon them.

Once while I was playing with my friend we were talking about the koroks and I came up with a hc on how they’re born I guess:

“Maybe they're branches that fall off the deku tree when they start to rot because hes old as balls so I bet he loses branches like old men lose hair and then because of like forest magical bullshit they become the new children of the forest and they grow up to be like Hestu and it takes thousands of years for them to reach like 'maturity' but when it's time for the deku tree to die one of the korok will take his place but all those who grow to maturity before he dies go out into the lost woods and set up root and become the ogre trees”

And then because I like to hurt them while they’re all sleeping:

“I'll just leave this here for when y'all wake up, what if the reason Wild likes to eat so much is because he is trying to fill the void of loneliness left behind after his friends in the army start treating him differently after he becomes the chosen one and because of Zelda's initial dislike of him then after he wakes up from the shrine of resurrection he doesn't know why he's so hungry all the time until after he starts remembering zelda and then realises he's doing the same thing, trying to fill the void left in him after losing everyone he loved and half his memories and having to wait until he's strong enough to see Zelda again”

Enjoy!

[ramblinganthropologist]

Writober 2020 - 24 (ink)

Summary: Everyone loves a fan meet and greet, right? Well, Ray doesn’t, especially when she winds up on staff at her own event. What’s an idol supposed to do when her fans don’t show up? Apparently, the answer is manning the line so nobody acts up for her senpai. At least she’s useful that way.

(Sunburst Idol Unit)

---

“Hey, thanks for stopping by today!”

“You're going to be the next head of the Zodiac for sure, Lena-chan!”

Lena was all smiles as she finished shaking her fan's hand. “Here's hoping anyway. Keep your eyes out for me!”

Somehow, she made it look so easy.

Ray shook her head as she glanced at the line in front of her. All of them were wearing some form of red, and plenty were sporting bandannas. It was easy to see who they were here for, and just why they were waiting so long.

Thus... there she was helping out.

“Hey, next person c'mon up.”

Some kid not much older than her breezed past and started chatting with Lena about something related to school. Ray didn't really parse much of it as she kept her eye on the line. They were pretty full, so the time limit was strict today. While she wasn't quite Seiza Academy level bouncer, she could get the job done just fine.

As long as... you ignored she was technically part of this fan meet event as an idol and not staff.

Her own line was... empty. It had been since she had gotten there. Nobody had come to see her to get an autograph or to shake her hand. That last one she didn't mind all that much, but it was still … well, it sucked. There was no other way to put it besides the fact it fucking sucked and she hated standing there. But running away to the bathroom wasn't an option, and Lena needed the help. So she just pushed it down.

Later, when she got home... that wasn't going to be fun. Hooray, rejection sensitive dysphoria rearing its ugly head.

“Shoot, my pen's out of ink.”

Lena's voice carried over the din of the waiting crowd. Ray was already on it, reaching into her pocket in order to toss a new one. It was one of the red ones, not the pink one she kept in her left pocket. That one was hers.

“Heads up, senpai!”

Even though she had been a soccer player, her fellow idol caught it. “Thanks, Raychi!”

A few in the crowd gave her approving looks as she stepped back into her spot at the side of the line. Of course, it didn't exactly make them jump over to meet her, so that didn't really mean much. Luckily, Ray was good at projecting a neutral face as everything crumbled to pieces inside of her. Nobody was the wiser as she assumed the position.

Would it have killed them to come see her after, though? She wasn't asking for much...

It didn't matter. The line kept going, and fans kept wanting to meet their idol. Most of them were more than happy to abide by the rules. The few that didn't... well, a glare from her put them in their place just fine. No need to chuck people on their ass when a giant lesbian is watching the line.

If this idol thing didn't work out, she clearly had a future in crowd management. No doubt by the time she was fully grown she would even tower over the crowds back home. What that would make for her in Japan, she wasn't sure.

But she was happy to think about it. The alternative was just depressing.

“So uh... whose that other table supposed to be for? Is someone else from Seiza coming later?”

One of the fans with a bandanna around their neck was whispering to someone in a bright red t-shirt. They were both pointing over at her table, where a plain sign said that the line began a few feet behind it. Nobody was exactly running up to it, all things considered, so no doubt it probably looked weird.

T-shirt fan was more in the know as Ray tried to avoid the conversation by staring blankly ahead. “No... that's the line for Ray Jones. Guess nobody showed up.”

“Wait, is that why she's here? I thought it was just because Lena-chan knew she could keep people in line.” They had the nerve to glance her way, then look back just as quickly. Smart. “She's handling it pretty well, I'd be crushed if that was me.”

Bandanna nodded to this sentiment. “Same. Guess she's used to it.”

No, she was just good at faking it. Ray resisted the urge to grit her teeth as she motioned the next in line along. It probably made her look even scarier to those who would consider misbehaving, but maybe that was for the best. If she couldn't be an idol, at least she was a deterrent.

Once the clock struck 2, Lena got up. “Hey, everyone, I need to take a fifteen minute break so I can stretch my wrist and eat something! I'll be right back, so don't go anywhere!”

A large amount of fans responded with hopes she had a good snack break, to which they got a wave in return. Given the fact her own stomach was rumbling, Ray took this as a sign that maybe she should break too. She glanced at the line before shrugging her shoulders.

“Yeah, same...”

Nobody heard her as she headed off to where the vending machines were. She caught Lena in front of one, the idol happily feeding change into the slot so she could get her snack. Right then, she was in her own world as Ray stalked the machine that had Monster in it.

Was it healthy, no, but fuck it. With the day she was having she didn't feel like being healthy.

“Here, to thank you for helping me out.” Lena was nudging something into her side – looked like a cream cake. Ray was never one to turn down free food, so she accepted it as they sat down to eat their snacks. Much like her, her senpai wasn't being very healthy either – the sugar would've killed somebody, but she needed the calories.

Ray just needed something to do with her hands so she didn't punch a wall.

“Thanks.” She popped the top on her Monster and took a long sip. “Looks like you've got a full house going on out there. That'll make you look good to Seiza for the Zodiac ranking, right?”

Lena nodded as she drank from her can of soda. “Yeah, I think I should be heading up to the final three this week if I keep it up.”

“Kick her ass.”

She didn't know the evil Nana, of course, but if Lena hated her then she had to be bad. The idol didn't hate anyone, she was like a freaking puppy. Anyone who failed the love you test was pure evil, at least by her account. Then again, she wasn't exactly someone to go to for better judgment.

Much to her surprise, Lena's expression turned sheepish as she picked at her own cream bun. “Listen uh... I'm sorry that you had to stay behind. I know you have that thing with-”

Ray shook her head as she started to eat her own snack. “RSD isn't your problem, senpai. Nobody showed up for me, that's just how it is.”

“Yeah but at least you could've gone home or something. You're stuck here with me.” Lena was frowning now. “I appreciate and all, don't get me wrong... but I'm worried you're doing this to hurt yourself.”

As she spoke, she was flexing her ink-covered hands. They were both left handed, so ink smearing when they wrote was part of the job description. The side of her hand was absolutely scarlet – it was a miracle she wasn't getting it on her fans. Honestly, it kind of looked like a murder scene...

“Raychi?”

Ah. She was doing it again, wasn't she? Picking up on tiny details to ignore the thing that was actually bothering her.

Ray finally allowed herself to frown as she sipped at her energy drink that really didn't do much in the energy department. “Self harm isn't really in my pathology description, senpai.”

“Maybe not that, but... you know. You're really hard on yourself, I don't want you to do this as a punishment or anything.” Lena sighed as she finished her bun off and licked her fingers. “Though your fans are dumb if they don't come. Just plain dumb.”

That got her snickering into her drink. “Thanks, senpai.”

Their time was growing close to an end – she swore she could hear the muttering on the other side of the wall. So, Ray finished up her energy drink and tossed the can. Lena was right behind her, also disposing of her trash. After a quick trip to the bathroom to freshen up, both were walking back into the main hall.

“Hey, everyone, I'm back!”

Lena had shifted back into idol mode as she took her table once more. Ray returned to her position by a nearby column, arms folded across her chest as she leaned back. They still had plenty of fans to get through if they wanted to finish on time. No wonder the other staff were really harping on that time limit.

Speaking of... one was coming her way.

“What's up, need something?” She shifted positions, returning to her full height. To the woman's credit, she didn't cringe as much as others did. Definitely looked a little unnerved by the giant foreigner, but she covered it well.

Maybe they wanted her to move or work the merch or something...

“Oh, uh... we need you at your line.” She gestured towards a small line practically dwarfed by the bandanna-wearing army. “Your fans are waiting.”

Ray felt her heart pound in her ears as she managed a nod. Now, it was the staff leading her to her table, where the first person was already waiting for her. It was a girl, maybe a few years older than her, still wearing her school uniform. She had a bright pink bow in her hair that matched her image color perfectly, and in her arms was a rolled up poster.

Shit, she brought merch with her.

“Oh, uh... sorry it took me so long to get over.” She nodded her head. “Uh... wow. Hi?”

The girl smiled at her. “Am I the first?”

“Yeah... you are. Forgive me that I suck at this.” Ray rubbed the back of her head. “You uh, want me to sign that for you?”

The poster was unrolled – it was from her first single. Just seeing it on the table made her heart pound as she found a spot to sign her name in the neon pink pen she had brought with her. For once, the ink didn't smudge as she worked, sighing in relief once it was dry. She hadn't messed it up.

“Man, I was worried I was going to smear everything.” She handed it back. “Thanks for supporting me...”

Her school-girl fan giggled. “It's Nami.”

“Thanks, Nami. Way to restore my faith in humanity.”

They shook hands briefly, and then her fangirl moved on. However, Ray wasn't done just yet. A small crowd was starting to trickle in, some of them dressed as though they had just come from a mosh pit. All of them had something pink on – buttons, shirts, a few ribbons on people with hair long enough to hold it. They looked excited to be there as they stepped into line, talking animatedly. It wasn't quite the size of Lena's line... but it was hers.

She had fans.

The staff who had walked her to the table was back. “They printed the wrong time on the poster. Seiza corrected it, but nobody told Sunburst.”

Well... shit.

Despite that, Ray found herself snickering as she got her pink pen ready for more. “Well, then I better get started.”

Her next statement came loud enough for her line to hear. “Alright, y'all, you coming or what? Get your shit ready because I'm probably gonna babble a lot!”

She got cheers in response, and a few chuckles. While some of the red line looked disturbed, her pink party was down to clown. Ray definitely caught Lena smiling and giving her a thumbs up as she prepared for the next person in line, pen at the ready.

No doubt by the end of this, the side of her hand was going to be absolutely fluorescent pink. Well, at least a few people would get a hand print with their signature. That had to be worth something, right?

Hell if she knew the merch game, she was an idol. A very busy idol who now had to work her way through a fan event. Good thing she had a few extra pens in her jacket, because she got the feeling she was going to need them.

[satireknight]

TMNT S03E06 - The Old Switcheroo, Part 2

So while the Turtles are discussing how weird Splinter is acting, Shredder comes in, picks up a giant spear with a mace at the end, and orders them to attack. He’s a master of subtlety.

And after bludgeoning Raphael with Donatello’s body, he laughs evilly and orders them to do every exercise ten times. Well, that’s thirty hours of continuous exercise... good luck scraping them off the floor after that. 

As he leaves, he says, “I can destroy them whenever I wish.” Of course, that leads us to the biggest problem of the episode: Shredder is in an ideal position to kill the Turtles, but he’s botching it. First, he never really tries to kill them; he seems to just try to humiliate them over and over for the lulz. Secondly, he is apparently incapable of acting like Splinter would, which puts the Turtles on their guard and makes it more likely that they’ll try to fight back when he does make a move.

Also, he accidentally exposed himself again when he fought them, because Leonardo unsurprisingly knows Splinter’s fighting style inside and out. All of them figure out that it reminds them more of Shredder.... so yeah, Shredder has managed to practically expose himself simply because he can’t pass up an opportunity to be a dick.

Meanwhile, Splinter is trying to oh-so-casually discuss the whole mind-transfer thing with Krang, but isn’t really able to do it without rousing more suspicions.

Bebop blurts out that Shredder got zapped, and Krang decides that they should scan Shredder’s brain, just in case. Again, what is he complaining about? Does it feel weird not having someone be an utter dick 24/7?

So in a matter of minutes, Splinter’s sitting under a brain-scan-thingy, looking like he regrets everything.

And given that he refers to “Shredder” and “you” separately, I think Krang might have figured out what happened. Certainly possible considering that Splinter was asking, “By the way, do you happen to have anything that can switch people’s minds?”

And then... not kidding, Splinter manages to change his brain-wave patterns through sheer force of will.

I’m pretty sure that’s completely impossible, but you know what? If anyone did it, it would be Splinter.

So Krang is satisfied that Splinter is Shredder, and immediately tells him to go get the doohickey thingamabob to fix the Technodrome. Also, Bebop and Rocksteady must REALLY be grating on Splinter’s nerves, because he bitches more in one line about having them along than he has ever done about all the Turtles, ever.

Meanwhile, since Shredder has the Turtles at his mercy and can kill them anytime.... he’s having them clean.

“Do you Turtles get the feeling there’s something not right about Master Splinter?” Leonardo, we established a scene or two ago that not only is he being violent and acting evil, which all of you have noticed, but that he was fighting in a style totally different from his usual one.... and which also happened to be similar to your archnemesis. Yes, they have the feeling. Try to keep up!

Just then, April pops in and Shredder yells at her before storming off. Since I don’t think Splinter has raised his voice even implicitly at her even once, she’s rather hurt by this. It’s also enough to convince the Turtles that there’s something rotten in the state of Denmark.

Michelangelo apparently is the only one who remembered that the “bizarro ray that zapped him” might have something to do with his weird behavior. You’d think it would pique Donatello’s science-nerd interests.

Just then the module comes bursting up, conveniently right in front of where they’re standing. And despite having seen it a few times, they act like this is new information.

And though Rocksteady and Bebop are raring for a fight, Splinter-in-Shredder’s-body is desperate not to fight. I could chalk this up to not pretending very well, but I can see why he might panic and lose control in this situation - he’s facing his sons/pupils, who have no idea who he is, and who might get hurt if he doesn’t try to avoid a conflict. Even worse, they don’t realize who he is, or what has happened.

I do sort of wonder how he planned to let them know eventually, though.

So they approach Splinter very aggressively, but he stops them with a speech about he’s taught them to look under the surface, and how they should look with their hearts instead of their eyes. It’s not a particularly deep speech, but it’s nicely done, especially as we see the Turtles’ faces changing in confusion as they listen.

And if Shredder’s stint as Splinter has taught us anything, it’s that he wouldn’t be able to fake something like this. He’s too dedicated to douchery.

Shredder, meanwhile, is freaking out because the Turtles left instead of hanging around to be humiliated. Oh, and he vows to “destroy” them again, even though he has had plenty of chances.

Gotta admit, that picture is pretty surreal out of context.

Donatello unsurprisingly knows the right way to switch them back to their bodies, and Leonardo has a brilliant idea for getting Shredder back to the lab. You know, whenever this series needs someone to brainstorm a clever solution, they just have Leonardo pull an idea from his butt.

So they come back home and find Shredder still stewing, giving him the fake claim that they’ve found Shredder and can finally get him for good.

That’s too good an opportunity for Shredder, who wants to recapture Splinter so they can swap bodies again. Not sure how he plans to convince Krang that he is who he says he is, especially since Krang doesn’t even really know Splinter.

Wait, if Shredder left the lair with the Turtle... doesn’t that mean he could backtrack to their lair? ARGH!

Meanwhile, Splinter is off to find the mind-transfer machine, but is interrupted by the presence of two wastes of oxygen.

And before he can tell them to go get some ice cream sundaes or something, the Turtles appear and Leonardo loudly announces their arrival. Splinter actually facepalms at the rotten luck.

Shredder also completely drops the pretense of being Splinter at this point, yelling, “Your Turtles are doomed, my dear rodent, and so are you!” across the room. He might want to save the “rodent” thing for when he isn’t one.

Splinter then lets Shredder knock him off his feet, landing right near Bebop and enraging the dimwitted mutant.

I really do like this bit, with Splinter playing his enemies against each other, since Shredder hasn’t bothered to notify Bebop and Rocksteady about what happened.

So Bebop lunges over and knocks Shredder onto one of the mind-transfer pads, where he mumbles, “Bebop, you idiot” before passing out. It’s a bit scary when you realize how strong those two are, and how much damage they can do when motivated. Although Bebop being an idiot doesn’t really have anything to do with this, since Shredder didn’t even try to enlighten his goons until Bebop was already on the warpath.

There’s also a funny weird bit when Michelangelo yells, “Prepare for ninja revenge, infidel dogs!” and runs out to fight. I don’t know if that’s a reference to something, or if it’s just something weird they decided to have him yell.

So now Shredder and Splinter are both in the mind-switcher, but Donatello is having trouble getting the thing up’n’running. Michelangelo kicks Rocksteady (nice animation, real sense of weight and effort) over to near where his gun is, and Rocksteady fires at Donatello, hitting the panel for the second time. I feel sorry for whoever put so much time and effort into this machine.

So both Splinter and Shredder are zapped by the mighty blue beam, and fall flat on their faces afterwards. And after so much abuse, the machine is now about to explode as things do on this show.

Bebop and Rocksteady grab Shredder’s body and run out of the building, and the Turtles are left undecided about which one is now Splinter and which is Shredder. They decide to take the giant rat body, especially since that involves less fighting with Bebop and Rocksteady.

Now that the whole pathetic incident is behind him, Shredder tells the henchmutants about what happened. I wonder if he told Krang, just so Krang would know that his brain scans aren’t as foolproof as he thought. Maybe he’s just relieved that Shredder is back to being pure douche again.

Meanwhile, Splinter wakes up in the lair with April and the Turtles all waiting anxiously to find out if he’s okay... and, well, the right person. Here’s a hint: if he says something that doesn’t have the word “idiot” in it, and doesn’t throw something at your head, it’s the real Splinter.

But Leonardo apparently needs some proof, which Michelangelo immediately provides: a slice of pizza right in the face.

I guess that real revulsion can’t be faked that well, especially from Shredder. He may know that Splinter hates pizza now, but he probably couldn’t be quite that grossed out by it.

VERDICT:

So this is another good one. The brain-switcheroo story is something that a lot of shows have done in varying formulae, but this one is a solid effort that handles itself pretty well.

Really, my only real nitpick is that Shredder picks up his villain’s idiot ball pretty early on, and keeps hanging onto it. He literally could have killed the Turtles, at least some of them, if he had made an effort to act like Splinter and had actually tried to hurt them. Hell, he came at ‘em with a giant spear, and just gave them some bruises. 

I used to think that maybe they didn’t want to upset the kids by showing the Turtles’ sensei trying to hurt them, even if he was actually Shredder. But then I remembered that the first Rat King episode was this season, and that featured a mind-controlled Splinter trying to kill the Turtles.

Anyway, that’s my pet peeve, but the rest of the episode is done pretty well. I always like episodes that deal with Splinter’s relationship with one or more of the Turtles, and this one does have some subtle moments of that. In particular, I like how the Turtles’ faces cycle through different expressions when Splinter is talking them out of attacking, each one showing individual emotions. 

I also mentioned before that I do like the animation of the fight scenes in here. I especially liked the part where Rocksteady launches himself at Michelangelo, and Michelangelo uses his legs to propel Rocksteady backwards. There’s a real sense of weight and raw physical power in the way it’s animated, which is very nice. The fight scenes were also pretty complex, and Splinter playing the victim to enrage Bebop was a clever moment.

Peter Renaday and James Avery also did a pretty good job in this one, each playing the other’s part; Renaday made his voice rougher and more sinister, and Avery sounded more mellow and quiet. 

Grade: A-

[runawaymarbles]

Black Sails Fic Rec

Silver/Flint

shaking at the sight by vowelinthug | 1k | T |

two pirate kings, united vs. an entire island's naval forces.

the island didn't stand a chance.

look for something left in this world by vowelinthug | 2k | M |

it’s a nice day for a white wedding

too bad they aren’t having one

yer mother darns socks in hell by youatemytailor | 4k | M |

Christ, Flint thinks. He fucking hates Freetown.

el cuentacuento by straddling_the_atmosphere | 4k | NR | +Silver/Madi

At the end of the day, John Silver is an unreliable narrator.

Or: a storyteller’s story.

show me the way to go home by vowelinthug | 8k | NC-17 |

set during 2x4, in which Silver and Flint take a much-deserved time out and enjoy a drink or seven

and they both learn a valuable lesson about each other

namely that neither one has ever had any chill whatsoever in their entire goddamn life

let us possess one world by vowelinthug | 8k | NC-17 |

They return to Nassau after their defeat of the British Navy, only to be met by Agitator Billy and his propaganda machine. This is why Captain Flint tries not to let other people decide things.

In which: Flint wears a disguise, Silver tells a terrible story, one bathes the other, and only one man died the whole night which is, like, definitely a record for them.

What's in a Name? by Craftnarook | 9k | NC-17 |

Some conversations in the dark between Flint and Silver, set during episode 3x09. They have a moment alone in the Maroon camp, after Mr Scott's death, and what begins as curiosity and sharing develops into rather a lot more.

you are the queen and i am the wolf by vowelinthug | 10k | NC-17 |

They call him John the Giant.

Flint calls himself James the Early Risk for Heart Failure.

Don’t Fear the Ships (Fear the Black) by farasha | 11k | NC-17 |

“You can’t read sea charts.”

“Can’t is a strong word.”

Flint teaches Silver how to sail. As with everything they do, there’s a lot more going on unspoken.

Or, Silver tries to convince Flint that it would be a bad thing if he died.

ya filthy animals by vowelinthug | 12k | NC-17 |

Flint and Silver could be rulers of an illegal organization, major mob bosses, kingpins, criminal masterminds, etc.

But then they could also be petty shoplifters who like to drink during the day and fool around on their houseboat.

With Nothing On My Tongue by RosieTwiggs | 14k | NC-17 | +Silver/Madi

“Silver thinks: Maybe God likes it when I fight with him.

He wonders now, whether he’s been playing into God’s plan all along. Because no matter how angry he gets, how defensive, how many “fuck you”s he flings to the heaven, isn’t it all just proof that he still believes God is there, despite it all?

Silver doesn’t know how to counter that.

Maybe he doesn’t want to anymore.

Blue all in a rush by twofrontteethstillcrooked | 16k | NC-17 |

There were dozens of questions Flint wanted to ask. He chose, "Did it not occur to you I would find out you were here almost immediately?"

st. augustine is that way by vowelinthug | 18k | NC-17 |

James Flint had yet to meet a conversation he couldn’t avoid.

John Silver had yet to meet a routine he couldn’t disrupt.

(post-show domesticity, with oranges)

we must unlearn the constellations to see the stars by lacecat | 19k | M | + Flint/Thomas, Silver/Madi

Silver wakes up each time to a different day in his past.

He thinks that if this is his purgatory, he can’t say he doesn’t deserve it.

Sail These Roads and Back Again by neverfaraway | 20k | M 

James has fled the New World for the Old, shed his name and found quietude in his solitary existence. That is, until his favourite worst memory appears on the farm track, collapses upon his sopha, and refuses to be shaken loose. While Corsica smoulders and war becomes ever more likely, Flint and Silver enter a war of their own: to reclaim their past and forge an uncertain future.

gonna need a bigger boat by lacecat | 20k | Not Rated

“You really want to say that, when you’re sitting across from a man who lost his leg to a shark?” Flint scoffs. "There is no way a shark took your leg!" "Of course not," Silver says, smirking. After he draws the silence out, for what feels appropriately dramatic enough period of time, he adds, "It was two sharks."

Tell me we're dead and I'll love you even more by Craftnarook | 22k | M |

In the year 1725, or thereabouts, John Silver finds himself driven by a storm into an inconsequential little port town, barely a speck on any civilised map. Returned to the life of a drifter, tired and rough around the edges, he is resigned to waiting for the weather to pass before he can sail on again to the next town, and the next, and the next. That is until he overhears a conversation in the inn about a local fisherman, one Captain Barlow, and his tall tales of tempests and becalmings, devils and sharks, and Silver finds a new future opening up to him, haunted by the spectres of his past.

John Silver Can’t Get There From Here by Apetslife | 33k | Series, G-E | + Silver/Madi, Anne/Jack

Or: Fuck Treasure Island, And Also Actual History, And Probably Season Four Canon, Too

“He is so terribly in love with you,” Madi murmurs to him from out of nowhere, sitting easy in the curve of his arm in the shade of their small porch.

Fifteen Men in September by ballantine | NR | 34k |

Fifteen men on the dead man’s chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

A Black Sails origin story for the song.

turning saints into the sea by lacecat | 86k | NC-17 | + Flint/Thomas, Silver/Madi, Miranda/Flint

They say she arrived in Nassau during a hurricane. They say that she brought with her a priest she had kidnapped to father her children, whom she then turned into storms to guide the direction of her ship. They say she has sworn to kill as many men on this Earth as she could, that she bathes in the blood of young children ripped from their mother’s breasts to attain immortality, doomed to serve the seas forever in return.

In reality, Silver has seen Flint conjure exactly zero storm-like offspring, but she does know how she speaks with the sort of conviction that if she were a man, they would write books about her. There’s a stiffness to her posture that speaks of someone who might better be found in a London parlor rather than a dusty brothel in the Bahamas, and yet she has a fierce temper that rivals any man’s on the island, a dangerous look about her like the air rippling over fire.

Silver/Flint/Hamilton(+)

The Isle of Hope by ElDiablito_SF | 16k | M |

When a heartbroken John Silver arrives in Georgia ten years after the events on Skeleton Island, he doesn't quite have it in him to face Flint. Instead, he concocts a scheme to befriend Thomas, and gets more than he bargained for in exchange

The Tether Series by stele3 | 58k | M |

“So you did find him,” the man says faintly. When Thomas looks up he finds himself caught in perhaps the strangest regard one person has ever given another, a gaze that absolutely does not dissuade Thomas from the notion that a feral, scavenging animal has broken into their home.

Smallpox Verse by vowelinthug | 70k | T-NC17 | + Madi

post-finale, where everyone learns a valuable lesson about communication and smallpox. (no one actually gets smallpox.)

The Canterbury Tales by Wind_Ryder | 133k | NC-17 | +Madi

Pirates. Attacking Georgia. A part of Thomas wants to believe that there’s nothing at all relating the events outside to the events in his personal life.

But when he turns around and sees John Silver slipping in through the backdoor, he very much doubts that’s the case. “Tea?” Thomas asks blandly, throwing the latch and shutting his blinds like a good Puritan man.

Flint/Hamilton(s)

the stars and she who runs with them by alovelylight | 1k | G |

When she declared Peter Ashe a traitor, her heart beating fury into the expanse of her body, she knew this was what James felt like. The constructed castles of civilization falling to the ground, dragons from the dark breathing out and destroying all the lies they hold dear. This was what she wanted; this would be her peace.

Time Covers All Things by lilithi|ien | 12k | T | +Silver/Flint

She imagines it will be liberating to take a new name, to adopt a new life. The next day, as she steps off the gangway onto the island sand, she tries to leave who she was behind like a snake shedding its skin. She can almost get away with it. How Lady Hamilton becomes Mrs Barlow.

The Witch Queen of Nassau by shirogiku | 12k | NC-17 | 

After James is captured by the Navy, it falls to Miranda to organise the rescue. Nothing goes according to the plan.

Revenant by BethWinter | 18k | T |

After Charlestown burns, Abigail Ashe meets a man who says he was a friend of her father’s. He gives her a choice.

The Far Waste of the Waters by more_night | M | 22.5k |  + Silver/Flint, Silver/Madi

James McGraw removes Skeleton Island from his mind.

Somewhere in Boston by redwhale | T | 29k | + Laura Moon/Shadow Moon

Mr. Wednesday tries to recruit the dread pirate Captain Flint for his war against the New Gods, and runs afoul of Thomas Hamilton in the attempt. Meanwhile, Shadow just wants a new goddamn book to read, is that so much to ask?

Soon after, on the trail of Wednesday and Shadow, Laura and Mad Sweeney find themselves in a charming bookstore in Boston...

Unaccommodated Man by kvikindi | T | 27k |

It is at this point that, for the first time, Thomas Hamilton begins to consider that he has gone mad.

The Sundering Sea by x_art | 137k | NR | Flint/Thomas

Stepping into the foamy surf, gasping at the force of it, the surprise of it—it had been breathtaking. Thomas had been that for him, his boundless sea, and he wasn’t ashamed.

Max/Anne (+)

you'll always paint my sky by mapped | 2k | T |

She still loves Max, and it gets harder and harder to deny it to herself.

(Anne through the second half of S4.)

histoire à tiroirs by straddling_the_atmosphere | 3k | T |  +Max/Eleanor, Max/Idelle

histoire (n): a story, a fictional tale, a narrative account, a lie

Or: Max and shifting sands

Bounteous by willowbilly | 4k | M | Anne/Max/Mary/Jack

It’s a queer hurt, almost like the relief of peeling off an old scab, to feel her heart pulling in three separate directions and to feel it expanding to encompass the whole damn rest of the compass rose rather than be so fragile as to rip itself asunder. Anne never would have thought, before, that she’d be this fucking caring. That she’d had such a deep well of love waiting untapped within her, way down.

kintsugi by princejake | 6k | T |

Anne nestles into his shoulder, her hair brushing against his cheek, and suddenly Jack can breathe properly for the first time in weeks. Here they are, together, in balance as they’ve been from the beginning. Complete again.

When he opens his eyes Max is watching them from across the street. Her posture is carefully neutral, but her eyes are… solemn. Stoic. Filled with a kind of barren peace. She always could convey so much with just a look.

Something twinges uncomfortably behind Jack’s breastbone. /Oh./ Perhaps not so in balance after all.

Other/Misc/Gen

no man’s land by rhllors | 2.5k | T |  Jack/Anne/Mary

The man on the deck looks back at them, considering. He’s handsome but he oozes violence; armed, scarred, tall, hair slung round a bandana, the same colour of a recently opened wound. “I’ve heard of you,” he says, with an infliction she’s not familiar with: somewhere from the continent, not French. Perhaps Holland. “The name’s Read.” he continues, eyes tracing the rim of her hat. “Mark Read.”

armed with the past and the will by whimsicalimages | 3k | T | Silver/Madi

The language of winning and losing, this language that men favor – Madi can speak this language, though she disagrees with its precepts. Success takes different forms, and failing once does not mean failing forever. It does not even mean failing the next time.

Gone to Port Royal by Apetslife | 3k | G | All the pairings

Definition of Valhalla 1: the great hall in Norse mythology where heroes slain in battle are received 2 : a place of honor, glory, or happiness : heaven

same bottle, same gun: two shots by AstronautSquid | 5k | T | minor Flint/Thomas, Max/Eleanor

„I will walk,“ Flint interrupted her objections. „You have just maneuvered yourself into a position of considerable power on this island, and now you have gone and cast aside a man the island admires and fears. It won’t do for you to be seen sharing a horse with me like a wounded young girl.“ Eleanor stared up at him; a wounded young girl full of curses, with a rifle resting like a sleeping babe in her arm.

[Nassau, 1708. Eleanor Guthrie remembers a moment in the life of Lieutenant McGraw. Captain Flint doesn’t.]

what’s a king but a heavy name by thatsarockfact55 | 51k | T | Mr. Scott/Maroon Queen, Madi/Silver, background Flint/Silver 

In the quiet night, one stranger tells another what he has always known: “I have been so many names, Long John Silver, and if not for love I would be no one at all.”

-

One story of a spirit, a slave, a father, and a pirate king, told in seven parts.

Winds of Change and Chance  by PanBoleyn | 60k | T | (eventual Silver/Flint, Miranda/Thomas, Flint/Hamiltons, Flint/Silver/Miranda) 

In which a thief and his daemon make their way onto a pirate ship, and vastly underestimate how hard it will be to get off again.

Well, the thief does. His daemon had a feeling this might happen.

[plume8now]

The Last Straw

Fandom: Durarara!

Ship: (Can be seen as) Shizaya

Summary: The town was used to their fights. It happened all the time. And it looked like nothing would change, as Izaya always managed to survive, somehow, to Shizuo’s attacks. And vice-versa, Shizuo always managed to survive Izaya’s sneaky tricks. There was no reason for the situation to lose its balance, right?

Warning: Violence, angst, Izaya being Izaya & Shizuo being Shizuo I guess

Chapter: 1/? (2 or 3 max.)

A/N: I developped this idea with @conspacelien. Oh, and English isn’t my first language; this is why I thank my awesome beta @blueflamebird for their help once again! Also this is my first contribution to the fandom, so hope you’ll like it: a review/reblog/like would be really appreciated!

"I-ZA-YAAAAAAAAAAA!"

And here it goes again.

People started looking out, aware of a possible danger susceptible of striking them all of a sudden. The city of Ikebukuro was used to it, anyway. Everyone knew it - when that name was screamed by that voice - just get ready. Not that the blond barman wanted to hurt anyone - he hated violence -, but when he did throw things - all kind of things, vending machines, posts... damn, even a car once - it was rather violent. And each time he would do insane, inhuman, surreal things in order to attack Izaya, the other would avoid it, just like that, as if he knew him so well he could predict his next move.

That could be a reason for Shizuo's hatred to grow each time they met. The shitty bastard was such a nuisance, he couldn't even crush him. Like a mosquito you've been hunting in one little room for hours, and yet, it kept escaping, somehow, to you. This very simple facts infuriated him to the point he was ready to kill the little fucker.

"You look a bit down today, Shizu-chan~" Izaya teased. "This lamp post didn't even skim me, and I didn't move at all."

Shizuo's face got redder as the dirty flea talked. Izaya's lips sketched a smile at this sight. How come was he enjoying this so much? To see this man, so frustrated, so pissed, this face of his, getting irritated in a fraction of second to the sound of his voice - and being the cause of such a reaction... Oh, that was delightful.

"I'll kill you," he swore. "I'll do it."

"Well not today anyway," he shrugged.

"Dead," the barman spat out.

"Tsk."

The guy used those little knives of his again, which gave him this kind of "bad boy" aura, even though no one needed that to guess so. Just the look on his eyes was more than enough; he was poisonous. He was nasty. He was anything but good omen. Shizuo knew it.

He was like the incarnation of the pollution of this town, and one day, everything would screw up because of him. He'd given him a choice: to leave and never come back, or, to stay, at the risk of being beaten up to death by him.

The bastard chose the option he knew would piss Shizuo off.

And so here it goes. He was looking for it.

"Fighting is no good," Simon said. "Stop it, come to eat Russian sushi instead!" He offered.

Both of them ignored him - and they were already too far anyway.

"Please move aside," a policeman warned to citizens who were walking by. "There's a footage you cannot access to this place."

"Kasuka-senpai!" some girls screamed, out of excitation, before getting interrupted by a loud "BOOM" in the very near street.

"What's going on?" people muttered, frozen. "I saw the mad bartender!" a guy cried. "RUN!" Another yelled.

"Oi, oi," Izaya smirked. "You're scaring people away, Shizu-chan!"

"Shut up!"

The city's Informat easily dodged the giant fridge - where did it come from anyway? - and jumped on terrace on which he could have a better view. But as soon as his feet touched it, his body reacted without consulting his brain and he ended up on the next one. Half a second later, Izaya heard the wall cracking under the impact of a lamp post. The bartender was quick to anger. Well, today more than usual.

"Come back here!" Shizuo screamed.

"Oh, in your dreams, monster," he muttered.

He knew, anyway, that the other would eventually get to him.

Which happened faster than he thought.

Shizuo tried to punch him, but he dodged again, and pointed his pocket knife.

"Shizu-chan wanna play?" he mocked.

The bartender punched the wall to destroy his balance and make him fall, which didn't happen as Izaya already had made his way to the other building. Where the crowd was situated.

"Somebody stop them!" someone cried.

What were they still doing there anyway? Humans had legs, and yet, they didn't use them. How amusing.

"IZAAAAAYA!"

And the blond creep was back. However, as fun as this was, Orihara Izaya had more important things to do right now - such as an appointment with an important leader, as he called himself. He knew perfectly well this town, and therefore could make his way out of here without any problems, if the building actually hadn't started trembling.

He looked down. Shizuo was climbing to him. He sighed.

"Another time, Shizu-chan."

"Leave- this- town...!"

"Damn- you!"

He- he was actually falling! The monster destroyed the whole front! Fuck!

They were supposed to evacuate, but somehow, somewhat, he'd stayed here.

Shizuo's brother.

With this peaceful - or indifferent? - look on his face. He looked up at them - his brother and him - and then-

He didn't lose his knives. He knew way too well how to use them. They were good weapons, after all. He felt a bit of fear invading his body, and reacted in order to save his own skin.

It wasn't a random attack.

He's always hated Shizuo Heiwajima, that wouldn't be a great loss. The guy wasn't even human.

Shizuo dodged the falling parts of the building, already regretting making so much damage to the city he lived in, to those innocent people who didn't deserve it.

He knew he could most certainly survive the daggers the flea threw at him, but scars weren't something pleasant. He dodged them, too.

Everything happened so fast. No one saw it coming.

Shizuo cried. His scream, full of pain and hatred, hit the whole town in its heart.

“KASUKA!”

[lindafrancois]

The 7 Best At-Home Workout Routines: The Ultimate Guide for Training Without a Gym

So you want to start working out, but you don’t want to leave the house?

No problem! 

In our coaching program we help lots of people who don’t have gym memberships:

No gym? No problem! Let our coaches build a home routine for you:

Let’s go over the 7 Best At-Home Workouts so you can start training today: no gym or equipment required!

A note on warming up and cooling down

Home Workout #1: Beginner Bodyweight (Start Here)

Home Workout #2: Advanced Bodyweight 

Home Workout #3: The 20-Min Hotel Routine

Home Workout #4: High-Intensity Interval Training 

Home Workout #5: Attack of the Angry Birds

Home Workout #6: Train like Batman

Home Workout #7: The PLP Progression

Bonus No-Equipment Workout: The Playground Circuit

How to build your own at-home workout

Note: If you’re here because your gym is shut down due to the outbreak of Covid-19, check out our guide “How to Stay In Shape (While Staying Inside).”

At Home Warm-ups and stretching routines

No matter which at-home workout you pick, I want you to start with one important thing:

Warm-up!

I cover why you should always warm up in an article found right here. It doesn’t have to be much though, give it about five minutes to get your muscles active and your heart rate up.

This will help you do exercises properly and help prevent injury. You can run in place, do air punches and kicks, or some jumping jacks.

Here is NF Senior Coach Staci (you might know her incredible story) showing you many beginner options you can use to warm up as well:

If you’re curious, here’s my personal (advanced) warm-up:

Jump rope: 2-3 minutes 

Jumping jacks: 25 reps

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Lunges: 5 reps each leg.

Hip extensions: 10 reps each side

Hip rotations: 5 each leg

Forward leg swings: 10 each leg

Side leg swings: 10 each leg

Push-ups: 10-20 reps

Spider-man steps: 10 reps

Our goal isn’t to tire you out, instead we want to warm you up.

That’s step one.

Completing your chosen at-home workout would be step two.

Below, you’ll find 7 sequences you can follow along with! And if you like our style of workouts, you can check out our coaching program where we’ll customize a training routine that fits your life and/or travel schedule:

Short on time? Let us build you a workout program!

Home Workout #1: Beginner Bodyweight

This at-home routine, as we lay out in our Beginner Bodyweight Workout article, is as follows:

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Push-ups: 10 reps

Walking lunges: 10 each leg

Dumbbell rows (using a gallon milk jug or another weight): 10 each arm.

Plank: 15 seconds

Jumping Jacks: 30 reps

The above is what we call “circuit training,” with the objective being to run through the workout sequence once, then again, then again.

Note: Not a milk drinker?

If you don’t have milk in the house for the rows, find something of roughly the same weight with a good handle.

If you want to download this Beginner Bodyweight Workout as a worksheet, you can do so when you sign up in the box below:

Grab Your Beginner Bodyweight Routine Worksheet. No Gym Required!

Complete this workout at home, no equipment required

Avoid the common mistakes everybody makes when doing bodyweight exercises

Learn how to finally get your first pull-up

Want a coach to help every step of the way? Learn more:

Home Workout #2: Advanced Bodyweight 

If the beginner at-home workout above is too easy for you, move on to our Advanced Bodyweight Workout. The workout looks like this:

One-legged squats – 10 each side [warning: super-difficult, only attempt if you’re in good enough shape]

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Walking lunges: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Jump step-ups: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Pull-ups: 10 reps [or inverted bodyweight rows]

Dips (between bar stools): 10 reps

Chin-ups: 10 reps [or inverted bodyweight rows with underhand grip]

Push-ups: 10 reps

Plank: 30 seconds

Not familiar with these moves? Check out the 21 Best Advanced Bodyweight Exercises for a full breakdown.

I warn you, the above sequence will hurt… in a good way. You should be proud if you can get through this three times.

Get a workout program that grows with you! Check out our Coaching Program:

Home Workout #3: The 20-Min Hotel Routine

Sometimes, you just plain find yourself stuck in a hotel room. Maybe you can find the hotel gym, but I bet it’s terrible! It probably has 2 machines, a broken treadmill, and no free weights. 

Ugh.

Instead, how about a 20-min workout you can do in the room itself! Utilize the furniture to its full potential.

Level 1

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Incline push-ups: 15 reps (feet on floor, hands on edge of bed or desk)

One-arm luggage rows: 10 reps (each arm, use your suitcase as your weight)

Reverse crunches: 10 reps

Level 2

Overhead Squats: 25 reps

Push-Ups: 20 reps

Inverted Rows using the desk in your hotel room: 10 reps

Reverse Crunches: 15 reps

Set the alarm clock to 15 minutes from now and see how many circuits you can do!

Check out our full post on hotel circuits if you want Level 3!

We have a LOT of business travelers in our 1-on-1 coaching program, which is why we create workouts for both their home gym and while traveling!

If you need worldwide accountability, workouts for home and the road, and want expert guidance…

Travel for work? Let us create a travel program to help you stay healthy!

Home Workout #4: High-Intensity Interval Training 

You don’t have to head to the gym to do High-Intensity Interval Training. You can do a complete routine right in your own home!

HIIT is just following a specific regimen where you vary your speeds and intensity throughout a shorter run, swim, bike, or row.

Unless you have a giant backyard, running at home might be tough.

But you know what doesn’t require a lot of room?

Burpees!

To complete a burpee:

Start standing up, then squat down and kick your legs out.

Do a push-up, bring your legs back in, and explode up into a jump.

For a HIIT workout, try to do 20 repetitions, then rest for two minutes.

Repeat until you hate yourself.

Check out our full guide on How to Start Interval Training for some more ideas on HIIT workouts.

You can also check out our post “The 20-Min HIIT Workout for Home” for another living-room-friendly interval routine!

Home Workout #5: Attack of the Angry Birds

The Angry Birds Workout is designed to be done when you have 5 or 10 minutes to kill.

Sort of like playing Angry Birds…

Here’s how The Angry Birds Workout Plan works: it’s deceptively simple – only four major movements.

Bodyweight squats

Push-ups

Pull-ups (or inverted rows)

Planks

If you don’t have time to run through the whole sequence, no problem!

Depending on how much time you have during the day, you can do your whole workout at once, or break up your training into four different sessions throughout the day (with each session being ONE of the exercises).

Here’s a sample day for your No-Equipment Workout:

Wake up, do 40 jumping jacks to warm up, and then do bodyweight squats.

At lunch, you grab your suitcase (if you’re at work, milk jug if you’re at home) and do inverted rows.

After work, you do another 50 jumping jacks and then do your push-ups.

After dinner, you do your planks while watching TV.

You could even split it up over two days if needed, but the goal would be to do it the whole sequence at once.

The main Angry Birds Workout article describes in detail Levels 1-6, but here’s Level 3 for you:

Bodyweight squats: 50 reps

Push-ups: 50 reps

Pull-ups: 10 reps

Planks: 3-minute hold

Once you’ve done the complete routine, you have my permission to whip out your phone and play the actual game!

Home Workout #6: Train like Batman

We love the Caped Crusader here at Nerd Fitness, so naturally we have The Batman Bodyweight Workout for you to try!

Bonus points if you somehow do this no-equipment workout in a cave, as that’s how Bruce Wayne would roll.[1]

This workout is separated into two days for you:

Batman No-Equipment Workout Day 1:

Rolling squat tuck-up jumps: 5 reps

Side to side push-ups: 5 reps

Modified headstand push-ups: 5 reps

Jump pull-up with tuck / Pull-up with Tuck-up: 5 reps

Handstands against wall: 8 seconds

Batman No-Equipment Workout Day 2:

‘180 Degree’ jump turns: 5 reps

Tuck front lever hold: 8 seconds

Tuck back lever hold: 8 seconds

Low frog hold: 8 seconds

This is a relatively advanced workout already, but if you want to progress to the next level, check out the main Batman Bodyweight Workout for tips on how to do just that.

Get in shape like Batman with our Online Coaching!

Home Workout #7: The PLP Progression

The PLP is a progressive program in which you complete one additional rep of three exercises – Pull-Ups, Lunges, and Push-Ups – every day, for two months.

NOTE: This is NOT a beginner program, and should not be attempted unless you have been training consistently and can do multiple repetitions of pull-ups and push-ups with great form.

Like this perfect push-up:

And this perfect pull-up:

Here’s how the PLP Progression works:

Day 1:

Pull-ups: 10 reps

Push-ups: 10 reps

Lunges: 10 reps (each leg)

Day 2:

Pull-ups: 11 reps

Push-ups: 11 reps

Lunges: 11 reps (each leg)

Day 3:

Pull-ups: 12 reps

Push-ups: 12 reps

Lunges: 12 reps (each leg)

How long do you keep doing this?

As originally envisioned by Chad Waterbury, the PLP Workout lasts 60 days.[3]

Yeah…by the end of it you’ll be doing more than 50 pull-ups.

There are two versions:

If you can do 10 straight pull-ups: Start day 1 with 10 reps of each.

If you cannot do 10 straight pull-ups: Start day 1 with 1 rep of each.

Complete your required reps each day in as many sets as you need, whenever you need to. The goal is to do it in as few sets as possible, but enough so that you can complete each rep with proper form.

Want to learn more? Check out my results on the PLP Workout.

Bonus No-Equipment Workout: The Playground Circuit

Do you have a nearby playground? Why not work out there! If you have kids, you can do it together. Or let them ignore you.

I’ll give you a Level One workout, and a Level Two. Check out The 20-Minute Playground Workout for some Level Three exercises.

Level One

Alternating step-ups: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Elevated push-ups: 10 reps

Swing rows: 10 reps

Assisted lunges: 8 reps each leg

Bent leg reverse crunches: 10 reps

Level Two

Bench jumps: 10 reps

Lower incline push-ups: 10 reps

Body rows: 10 reps

Lunges: 8 reps each leg

Straight leg reverse crunches: 10 reps

After you’ve gone through a complete set three times, go down the slide!

Working out doesn’t have to suck. Let our coaches build you a fun program!

How to Build Your Own At-Home Workout

We just went over 7 workouts you can do at home (plus a workout you can do in a park).

You don’t have to stick to these though! I have two resources to help you design your own no-equipment workout:

The 42 Best Bodyweight Exercises: This guide will teach you how to perform the best bodyweight exercises – no equipment required! Check it out if you are unfamiliar with any of the movements referenced in today’s guide.

How To Build Your Own Workout Routine: Once you’re comfortable with a handful of bodyweight exercises, use this guide to pull them all together into a full-body workout!

That should get you going on building a workout you can do in the comfort of your own home.

Want more? Alright, eager beaver, I got you.

We built THREE options for people just like you:

1) If you want step-by-step guidance, a custom workout program that levels up as you get stronger, and a coach to keep you accountable, check out our killer 1-on-1 coaching program:

Our coaching program changes lives. Learn how!

2) Good at following instructions? Check out our self-paced online course, the Nerd Fitness Academy.

The Academy has 20+ workouts for both bodyweight or weight training, a benchmark test to determine your starting workout, HD demonstrations of every movement, boss battles, meal plans, a questing system, and a supportive community.

Learn more about The Nerd Fitness Academy!

3) Join the Rebellion! We need good people like you in our community, the Nerd Fitness Rebellion. 

Sign up in the box below to enlist and get our guide, Strength Training 101: Everything You Need to Know. It’ll help you start incorporating these bodyweight moves into your training.

Download our comprehensive guide STRENGTH TRAINING 101!

Everything you need to know about getting strong.

Workout routines for bodyweight AND weight training.

How to find the right gym and train properly in one.

Alright, your turn: I’d love to hear how your home training is going!

Which workout above did you try? Did you make one of your own?

Leave a comment below with your results or any questions you have on working out at home.

For the Rebellion!

-Steve

PS: If you were going to buy one piece of equipment to utilize in your home, a kettlebell would offer you a lot of versatility:

###

Photo Sources: Scenes from an empty lot in Brooklyn, vol 1, Hotel Room, Speed!, LEGO Angry Birds, The Batman, Vintage House Bicycle,

Footnotes    ( returns to text)

You probably don’t want to actually do this workout in a cave. Hitting your head on a stalactite wouldn’t be fun.

Check out Chad’s great post here.

The 7 Best At-Home Workout Routines: The Ultimate Guide for Training Without a Gym published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

[lindafrancois]

The 7 Best At-Home Workout Routines: The Ultimate Guide for Training Without a Gym

So you want to start working out, but you don’t want to leave the house?

No problem! 

In our coaching program we help lots of people who don’t have gym memberships:

No gym? No problem! Let our coaches build a home routine for you:

Let’s go over the 7 Best At-Home Workouts so you can start training today: no gym or equipment required!

A note on warming up and cooling down

Home Workout #1: Beginner Bodyweight (Start Here)

Home Workout #2: Advanced Bodyweight 

Home Workout #3: The 20-Min Hotel Routine

Home Workout #4: High-Intensity Interval Training 

Home Workout #5: Attack of the Angry Birds

Home Workout #6: Train like Batman

Home Workout #7: The PLP Progression

Bonus No-Equipment Workout: The Playground Circuit

How to build your own at-home workout

Note: If you’re here because your gym is shut down due to the outbreak of Covid-19, check out our guide “How to Stay In Shape (While Staying Inside).”

At Home Warm-ups and stretching routines

No matter which at-home workout you pick, I want you to start with one important thing:

Warm-up!

I cover why you should always warm up in an article found right here. It doesn’t have to be much though, give it about five minutes to get your muscles active and your heart rate up.

This will help you do exercises properly and help prevent injury. You can run in place, do air punches and kicks, or some jumping jacks.

Here is NF Senior Coach Staci (you might know her incredible story) showing you many beginner options you can use to warm up as well:

If you’re curious, here’s my personal (advanced) warm-up:

Jump rope: 2-3 minutes 

Jumping jacks: 25 reps

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Lunges: 5 reps each leg.

Hip extensions: 10 reps each side

Hip rotations: 5 each leg

Forward leg swings: 10 each leg

Side leg swings: 10 each leg

Push-ups: 10-20 reps

Spider-man steps: 10 reps

Our goal isn’t to tire you out, instead we want to warm you up.

That’s step one.

Completing your chosen at-home workout would be step two.

Below, you’ll find 7 sequences you can follow along with! And if you like our style of workouts, you can check out our coaching program where we’ll customize a training routine that fits your life and/or travel schedule:

Short on time? Let us build you a workout program!

Home Workout #1: Beginner Bodyweight

This at-home routine, as we lay out in our Beginner Bodyweight Workout article, is as follows:

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Push-ups: 10 reps

Walking lunges: 10 each leg

Dumbbell rows (using a gallon milk jug or another weight): 10 each arm.

Plank: 15 seconds

Jumping Jacks: 30 reps

The above is what we call “circuit training,” with the objective being to run through the workout sequence once, then again, then again.

Note: Not a milk drinker?

If you don’t have milk in the house for the rows, find something of roughly the same weight with a good handle.

If you want to download this Beginner Bodyweight Workout as a worksheet, you can do so when you sign up in the box below:

Grab Your Beginner Bodyweight Routine Worksheet. No Gym Required!

Complete this workout at home, no equipment required

Avoid the common mistakes everybody makes when doing bodyweight exercises

Learn how to finally get your first pull-up

Want a coach to help every step of the way? Learn more:

Home Workout #2: Advanced Bodyweight 

If the beginner at-home workout above is too easy for you, move on to our Advanced Bodyweight Workout. The workout looks like this:

One-legged squats – 10 each side [warning: super-difficult, only attempt if you’re in good enough shape]

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Walking lunges: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Jump step-ups: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Pull-ups: 10 reps [or inverted bodyweight rows]

Dips (between bar stools): 10 reps

Chin-ups: 10 reps [or inverted bodyweight rows with underhand grip]

Push-ups: 10 reps

Plank: 30 seconds

Not familiar with these moves? Check out the 21 Best Advanced Bodyweight Exercises for a full breakdown.

I warn you, the above sequence will hurt… in a good way. You should be proud if you can get through this three times.

Get a workout program that grows with you! Check out our Coaching Program:

Home Workout #3: The 20-Min Hotel Routine

Sometimes, you just plain find yourself stuck in a hotel room. Maybe you can find the hotel gym, but I bet it’s terrible! It probably has 2 machines, a broken treadmill, and no free weights. 

Ugh.

Instead, how about a 20-min workout you can do in the room itself! Utilize the furniture to its full potential.

Level 1

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Incline push-ups: 15 reps (feet on floor, hands on edge of bed or desk)

One-arm luggage rows: 10 reps (each arm, use your suitcase as your weight)

Reverse crunches: 10 reps

Level 2

Overhead Squats: 25 reps

Push-Ups: 20 reps

Inverted Rows using the desk in your hotel room: 10 reps

Reverse Crunches: 15 reps

Set the alarm clock to 15 minutes from now and see how many circuits you can do!

Check out our full post on hotel circuits if you want Level 3!

We have a LOT of business travelers in our 1-on-1 coaching program, which is why we create workouts for both their home gym and while traveling!

If you need worldwide accountability, workouts for home and the road, and want expert guidance…

Travel for work? Let us create a travel program to help you stay healthy!

Home Workout #4: High-Intensity Interval Training 

You don’t have to head to the gym to do High-Intensity Interval Training. You can do a complete routine right in your own home!

HIIT is just following a specific regimen where you vary your speeds and intensity throughout a shorter run, swim, bike, or row.

Unless you have a giant backyard, running at home might be tough.

But you know what doesn’t require a lot of room?

Burpees!

To complete a burpee:

Start standing up, then squat down and kick your legs out.

Do a push-up, bring your legs back in, and explode up into a jump.

For a HIIT workout, try to do 20 repetitions, then rest for two minutes.

Repeat until you hate yourself.

Check out our full guide on How to Start Interval Training for some more ideas on HIIT workouts.

You can also check out our post “The 20-Min HIIT Workout for Home” for another living-room-friendly interval routine!

Home Workout #5: Attack of the Angry Birds

The Angry Birds Workout is designed to be done when you have 5 or 10 minutes to kill.

Sort of like playing Angry Birds…

Here’s how The Angry Birds Workout Plan works: it’s deceptively simple – only four major movements.

Bodyweight squats

Push-ups

Pull-ups (or inverted rows)

Planks

If you don’t have time to run through the whole sequence, no problem!

Depending on how much time you have during the day, you can do your whole workout at once, or break up your training into four different sessions throughout the day (with each session being ONE of the exercises).

Here’s a sample day for your No-Equipment Workout:

Wake up, do 40 jumping jacks to warm up, and then do bodyweight squats.

At lunch, you grab your suitcase (if you’re at work, milk jug if you’re at home) and do inverted rows.

After work, you do another 50 jumping jacks and then do your push-ups.

After dinner, you do your planks while watching TV.

You could even split it up over two days if needed, but the goal would be to do it the whole sequence at once.

The main Angry Birds Workout article describes in detail Levels 1-6, but here’s Level 3 for you:

Bodyweight squats: 50 reps

Push-ups: 50 reps

Pull-ups: 10 reps

Planks: 3-minute hold

Once you’ve done the complete routine, you have my permission to whip out your phone and play the actual game!

Home Workout #6: Train like Batman

We love the Caped Crusader here at Nerd Fitness, so naturally we have The Batman Bodyweight Workout for you to try!

Bonus points if you somehow do this no-equipment workout in a cave, as that’s how Bruce Wayne would roll.[1]

This workout is separated into two days for you:

Batman No-Equipment Workout Day 1:

Rolling squat tuck-up jumps: 5 reps

Side to side push-ups: 5 reps

Modified headstand push-ups: 5 reps

Jump pull-up with tuck / Pull-up with Tuck-up: 5 reps

Handstands against wall: 8 seconds

Batman No-Equipment Workout Day 2:

‘180 Degree’ jump turns: 5 reps

Tuck front lever hold: 8 seconds

Tuck back lever hold: 8 seconds

Low frog hold: 8 seconds

This is a relatively advanced workout already, but if you want to progress to the next level, check out the main Batman Bodyweight Workout for tips on how to do just that.

Get in shape like Batman with our Online Coaching!

Home Workout #7: The PLP Progression

The PLP is a progressive program in which you complete one additional rep of three exercises – Pull-Ups, Lunges, and Push-Ups – every day, for two months.

NOTE: This is NOT a beginner program, and should not be attempted unless you have been training consistently and can do multiple repetitions of pull-ups and push-ups with great form.

Like this perfect push-up:

And this perfect pull-up:

Here’s how the PLP Progression works:

Day 1:

Pull-ups: 10 reps

Push-ups: 10 reps

Lunges: 10 reps (each leg)

Day 2:

Pull-ups: 11 reps

Push-ups: 11 reps

Lunges: 11 reps (each leg)

Day 3:

Pull-ups: 12 reps

Push-ups: 12 reps

Lunges: 12 reps (each leg)

How long do you keep doing this?

As originally envisioned by Chad Waterbury, the PLP Workout lasts 60 days.[3]

Yeah…by the end of it you’ll be doing more than 50 pull-ups.

There are two versions:

If you can do 10 straight pull-ups: Start day 1 with 10 reps of each.

If you cannot do 10 straight pull-ups: Start day 1 with 1 rep of each.

Complete your required reps each day in as many sets as you need, whenever you need to. The goal is to do it in as few sets as possible, but enough so that you can complete each rep with proper form.

Want to learn more? Check out my results on the PLP Workout.

Bonus No-Equipment Workout: The Playground Circuit

Do you have a nearby playground? Why not work out there! If you have kids, you can do it together. Or let them ignore you.

I’ll give you a Level One workout, and a Level Two. Check out The 20-Minute Playground Workout for some Level Three exercises.

Level One

Alternating step-ups: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Elevated push-ups: 10 reps

Swing rows: 10 reps

Assisted lunges: 8 reps each leg

Bent leg reverse crunches: 10 reps

Level Two

Bench jumps: 10 reps

Lower incline push-ups: 10 reps

Body rows: 10 reps

Lunges: 8 reps each leg

Straight leg reverse crunches: 10 reps

After you’ve gone through a complete set three times, go down the slide!

Working out doesn’t have to suck. Let our coaches build you a fun program!

How to Build Your Own At-Home Workout

We just went over 7 workouts you can do at home (plus a workout you can do in a park).

You don’t have to stick to these though! I have two resources to help you design your own no-equipment workout:

The 42 Best Bodyweight Exercises: This guide will teach you how to perform the best bodyweight exercises – no equipment required! Check it out if you are unfamiliar with any of the movements referenced in today’s guide.

How To Build Your Own Workout Routine: Once you’re comfortable with a handful of bodyweight exercises, use this guide to pull them all together into a full-body workout!

That should get you going on building a workout you can do in the comfort of your own home.

Want more? Alright, eager beaver, I got you.

We built THREE options for people just like you:

1) If you want step-by-step guidance, a custom workout program that levels up as you get stronger, and a coach to keep you accountable, check out our killer 1-on-1 coaching program:

Our coaching program changes lives. Learn how!

2) Good at following instructions? Check out our self-paced online course, the Nerd Fitness Academy.

The Academy has 20+ workouts for both bodyweight or weight training, a benchmark test to determine your starting workout, HD demonstrations of every movement, boss battles, meal plans, a questing system, and a supportive community.

Learn more about The Nerd Fitness Academy!

3) Join the Rebellion! We need good people like you in our community, the Nerd Fitness Rebellion. 

Sign up in the box below to enlist and get our guide, Strength Training 101: Everything You Need to Know. It’ll help you start incorporating these bodyweight moves into your training.

Download our comprehensive guide STRENGTH TRAINING 101!

Everything you need to know about getting strong.

Workout routines for bodyweight AND weight training.

How to find the right gym and train properly in one.

Alright, your turn: I’d love to hear how your home training is going!

Which workout above did you try? Did you make one of your own?

Leave a comment below with your results or any questions you have on working out at home.

For the Rebellion!

-Steve

PS: If you were going to buy one piece of equipment to utilize in your home, a kettlebell would offer you a lot of versatility:

###

Photo Sources: Scenes from an empty lot in Brooklyn, vol 1, Hotel Room, Speed!, LEGO Angry Birds, The Batman, Vintage House Bicycle,

Footnotes    ( returns to text)

You probably don’t want to actually do this workout in a cave. Hitting your head on a stalactite wouldn’t be fun.

Check out Chad’s great post here.

The 7 Best At-Home Workout Routines: The Ultimate Guide for Training Without a Gym published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

[lindafrancois]

The 7 Best At-Home Workout Routines: The Ultimate Guide for Training Without a Gym

So you want to start working out, but you don’t want to leave the house?

No problem! 

In our coaching program we help lots of people who don’t have gym memberships:

No gym? No problem! Let our coaches build a home routine for you:

Let’s go over the 7 Best At-Home Workouts so you can start training today: no gym or equipment required!

A note on warming up and cooling down

Home Workout #1: Beginner Bodyweight (Start Here)

Home Workout #2: Advanced Bodyweight 

Home Workout #3: The 20-Min Hotel Routine

Home Workout #4: High-Intensity Interval Training 

Home Workout #5: Attack of the Angry Birds

Home Workout #6: Train like Batman

Home Workout #7: The PLP Progression

Bonus No-Equipment Workout: The Playground Circuit

How to build your own at-home workout

At Home Warm-ups and stretching routines

No matter which at-home workout you pick, I want you to start with one important thing:

Warm up!

I cover why you should always warm up in an article found right here. It doesn’t have to be much though, give it about five minutes to get your muscles active and your heart rate up.

This will help you do exercises properly and help prevent injury. You can run in place, do air punches and kicks, or some jumping jacks.

Here is NF Senior Coach Staci (you might know her incredible story) showing you many beginner options you can use to warm up as well:

If you’re curious, here’s my personal (advanced) warm-up:

Jump rope: 2-3 minutes 

Jumping jacks: 25 reps

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Lunges: 5 reps each leg.

Hip extensions: 10 reps each side

Hip rotations: 5 each leg

Forward leg swings: 10 each leg

Side leg swings: 10 each leg

Push-ups: 10-20 reps

Spider-man steps: 10 reps

Our goal isn’t to tire you out, instead we want to warm you up.

That’s step one.

Completing your chosen at-home workout would be step two.

Below, you’ll find 7 sequences you can follow along with! And if you like our style of workouts, you can check out our coaching program where we’ll customize a training routine that fits your life and/or travel schedule:

Short on time? Let us build you a workout program!

Home Workout #1: Beginner Bodyweight

This at-home routine, as we lay out in our Beginner Bodyweight Workout article, is as follows:

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Push-ups: 10 reps

Walking lunges: 10 each leg

Dumbbell rows (using a gallon milk jug or another weight): 10 each arm.

Plank: 15 seconds

Jumping Jacks: 30 reps

The above is what we call “circuit training,” with the objective being to run through the workout sequence once, then again, then again.

Note: Not a milk drinker?

If you don’t have milk in the house for the rows, find something of roughly the same weight with a good handle.

If you want to download this Beginner Bodyweight Workout as a worksheet, you can do so when you sign up in the box below:

Grab Your Beginner Bodyweight Routine Worksheet. No Gym Required!

Complete this workout at home, no equipment required

Avoid the common mistakes everybody makes when doing bodyweight exercises

Learn how to finally get your first pull-up

Want a coach to help every step of the way? Learn more:

Home Workout #2: Advanced Bodyweight 

If the beginner at-home workout above is too easy for you, move on to our Advanced Bodyweight Workout. The workout looks like this:

One-legged squats – 10 each side [warning: super-difficult, only attempt if you’re in good enough shape]

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Walking lunges: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Jump step-ups: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Pull-ups: 10 reps [or inverted bodyweight rows]

Dips (between bar stools): 10 reps

Chin-ups: 10 reps [or inverted bodyweight rows with underhand grip]

Push-ups: 10 reps

Plank: 30 seconds

Not familiar with these moves? Check out the 21 Best Advanced Bodyweight Exercises for a full breakdown.

I warn you, the above sequence will hurt… in a good way. You should be proud if you can get through this three times.

Get a workout program that grows with you! Check out our Coaching Program:

Home Workout #3: The 20-Min Hotel Routine

Sometimes, you just plain find yourself stuck in a hotel room. Maybe you can find the hotel gym, but I bet it’s terrible! It probably has 2 machines, a broken treadmill, and no free weights. 

Ugh.

Instead, how about a 20-min workout you can do in the room itself! Utilize the furniture to its full potential.

Level 1

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Incline push-ups: 15 reps (feet on floor, hands on edge of bed or desk)

One-arm luggage rows: 10 reps (each arm, use your suitcase as your weight)

Reverse crunches: 10 reps

Level 2

Overhead Squats: 25 reps

Push-Ups: 20 reps

Inverted Rows using the desk in your hotel room: 10 reps

Reverse Crunches: 15 reps

Set the alarm clock to 15 minutes from now and see how many circuits you can do!

Check out our full post on hotel circuits if you want Level 3!

We have a LOT of business travelers in our 1-on-1 coaching program,  which is why we create workouts for both their home gym and while traveling!

If you need worldwide accountability, workouts for home and the road, and want expert guidance…

Travel for work? Let us create a travel program to help you stay healthy!

Home Workout #4: High-Intensity Interval Training 

You don’t have to head to the gym to do High-Intensity Interval Training. You can do a complete routine right in your own home!

HIIT is just following a specific regimen where you vary your speeds and intensity throughout a shorter run, swim, bike, or row.

Unless you have a giant backyard, running at home might be tough.

But you know what doesn’t require a lot of room?

Burpees!

To complete a burpee:

Start standing up, then squat down and kick your legs out.

Do a push-up, bring your legs back in, and explode up into a jump.

For a HIIT workout, try to do 20 repetitions, then rest for two minutes.

Repeat until you hate yourself.

Check out our full guide on How to Start Interval Training for some more ideas on HIIT workouts at home.

Home Workout #5: Attack of the Angry Birds

The Angry Birds Workout is designed to be done when you have 5 or 10 minutes to kill.

Sort of like playing Angry Birds…

Here’s how The Angry Birds Workout Plan works: it’s deceptively simple – only four major movements.

Bodyweight squats

Push-ups

Pull-ups (or inverted rows)

Planks

If you don’t have time to run through the whole sequence, no problem!

Depending on how much time you have during the day, you can do your whole workout at once, or break up your training into four different sessions throughout the day (with each session being ONE of the exercises).

Here’s a sample day for your No-Equipment Workout:

Wake up, do 40 jumping jacks to warm up, and then do bodyweight squats.

At lunch, you grab your suitcase (if you’re at work, milk jug if you’re at home) and do inverted rows.

After work, you do another 50 jumping jacks and then do your push-ups.

After dinner, you do your planks while watching TV.

You could even split it up over two days if needed, but the goal would be to do it the whole sequence at once.

The main Angry Birds Workout article describes in detail Levels 1-6, but here’s Level 3 for you:

Bodyweight squats: 50 reps

Push-ups: 50 reps

Pull-ups: 10 reps

Planks: 3-minute hold

Once you’ve done the complete routine, you have my permission to pull out your phone and play the actual game!

Home Workout #6: Train like Batman

We love the Caped Crusader here at Nerd Fitness, so naturally we have The Batman Bodyweight Workout for you to try!

Bonus points if you somehow do this no-equipment workout in a cave, as that’s how Bruce Wayne would roll.[1]

This workout is separated into two days for you:

Batman No-Equipment Workout Day 1:

Rolling squat tuck-up jumps: 5 reps

Side to side push-ups: 5 reps

Modified headstand push-ups: 5 reps

Jump pull-up with tuck / Pull-up with Tuck-up: 5 reps

Handstands against wall: 8 seconds

Batman No-Equipment Workout Day 2:

‘180 Degree’ jump turns: 5 reps

Tuck front lever hold: 8 seconds

Tuck back lever hold: 8 seconds

Low frog hold: 8 seconds

This is a relatively advanced workout already, but if you want to progress to the next level, check out the main Batman Bodyweight Workout for tips on how to do just that.

Get in shape like Batman with our Online Coaching!

Home Workout #7: The PLP Progression

The PLP is a progressive program in which you complete one additional rep of three exercises – Pull Ups, Lunges, and Push Ups – every day, for two months.

NOTE: This is NOT a beginner program, and should not be attempted unless you have been training consistently and can do multiple repetitions of pull-ups and push-ups with great form.

Like this perfect push-up:

And this perfect pull-up:

Here’s how the PLP Progression works:

Day 1:

Pull-ups: 10 reps

Push-ups: 10 reps

Lunges: 10 reps (each leg)

Day 2:

Pull-ups: 11 reps

Push-ups: 11 reps

Lunges: 11 reps (each leg)

Day 3:

Pull-ups: 12 reps

Push-ups: 12 reps

Lunges: 12 reps (each leg)

How long do you keep doing this?

As originally envisioned by Chad Waterbury, the PLP Workout lasts 60 days.[3]

Yeah…by the end of it you’ll be doing more than 50 pull-ups.

There are two versions:

If you can do 10 straight pull-ups: Start day 1 with 10 reps of each.

If you cannot do 10 straight pull-ups: Start day 1 with 1 rep of each.

Complete your required reps each day in as many sets as you need, whenever you need to. The goal is to do it in as few sets as possible, but enough so that you can complete each rep with proper form.

Want to learn more? Check out my results on the PLP Workout.

Bonus No-Equipment Workout: The Playground Circuit

Do you have a nearby playground? Why not work out there! If you have kids, you can do it together. Or let them ignore you.

I’ll give you a Level One workout, and a Level Two. Check out The 20-Minute Playground Workout for some Level Three exercises.

Level One

Alternating step-ups: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Elevated push-ups: 10 reps

Swing rows: 10 reps

Assisted lunges: 8 reps each leg

Bent leg reverse crunches: 10 reps

Level Two

Bench jumps: 10 reps

Lower incline push-ups: 10 reps

Body rows: 10 reps

Lunges: 8 reps each leg

Straight leg reverse crunches: 10 reps

After you’ve gone through a complete set three times, go down the slide!

Working out doesn’t have to suck. Let our coaches build you a fun program!

How to Build Your Own At-Home Workout

We just went over 7 workouts you can do at home (plus a workout you can do in a park).

You don’t have to stick to these though! I have two resources to help you design your own no-equipment workout:

The 42 Best Bodyweight Exercises: This guide will teach you how to perform the best bodyweight exercises – no equipment required! Check it out if you are unfamiliar with any of the movements referenced in today’s guide.

How To Build Your Own Workout Routine: Once you’re comfortable with a handful of bodyweight exercises, use this guide to pull them all together into a full-body workout!

That should get you going on building a workout you can do in the comfort of your own home.

Want more? Alright, eager beaver, I got you.

We built THREE options for people just like you:

1) If you want step-by-step guidance, a custom workout program that levels up as you get stronger, and a coach to keep you accountable, check out our killer 1-on-1 coaching program:

Our coaching program changes lives. Learn how!

2) Good at following instructions? Check out our self-paced online course, the Nerd Fitness Academy.

The Academy has 20+ workouts for both bodyweight or weight training, a benchmark test to determine your starting workout, HD demonstrations of every movement, boss battles, meal plans, a questing system, and supportive community.

Learn more about The Nerd Fitness Academy!

3) Join the Rebellion! We need good people like you in our community, the Nerd Fitness Rebellion. 

Sign up in the box below to enlist and get our guide, Strength Training 101: Everything You Need to Know. It’ll help you start incorporating these bodyweight moves into your training.

Download our comprehensive guide STRENGTH TRAINING 101!

Everything you need to know about getting strong.

Workout routines for bodyweight AND weight training.

How to find the right gym and train properly in one.

Alright, your turn: I’d love to hear how your home training is going!

Which workout above did you try? Did you make one of your own?

Leave a comment below with your results or any questions you have on working out at home.

For the Rebellion!

-Steve

PS: If you were going to buy one piece of equipment to utilize in your home, a kettlebell would offer you a lot of versatility:

###

Photo Sources: Scenes from an empty lot in Brooklyn, vol 1, Hotel Room, Speed!, LEGO Angry Birds, The Batman, Vintage House Bicycle,

Footnotes    ( returns to text)

You probably don’t want to actually do this workout in a cave. Hitting your head on a stalactite wouldn’t be fun.

Check out Chad’s great post here.

The 7 Best At-Home Workout Routines: The Ultimate Guide for Training Without a Gym published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

[lindafrancois]

The 7 Best At-Home Workout Routines: The Ultimate Guide for Training Without a Gym

So you want to start working out, but you don’t want to leave the house?

No problem! 

In our coaching program we help lots of people who don’t have gym memberships:

No gym? No problem! Let our coaches build a home routine for you:

Let’s go over the 7 Best At-Home Workouts so you can start training today: no gym or equipment required!

A note on warming up and cooling down

Home Workout #1: Beginner Bodyweight (Start Here)

Home Workout #2: Advanced Bodyweight 

Home Workout #3: The 20-Min Hotel Routine

Home Workout #4: High-Intensity Interval Training 

Home Workout #5: Attack of the Angry Birds

Home Workout #6: Train like Batman

Home Workout #7: The PLP Progression

Bonus No-Equipment Workout: The Playground Circuit

How to build your own at-home workout

At Home Warm-ups and stretching routines

No matter which at-home workout you pick, I want you to start with one important thing:

Warm up!

I cover why you should always warm up in an article found right here. It doesn’t have to be much though, give it about five minutes to get your muscles active and your heart rate up.

This will help you do exercises properly and help prevent injury. You can run in place, do air punches and kicks, or some jumping jacks.

Here is NF Senior Coach Staci (you might know her incredible story) showing you many beginner options you can use to warm up as well:

If you’re curious, here’s my personal (advanced) warm-up:

Jump rope: 2-3 minutes 

Jumping jacks: 25 reps

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Lunges: 5 reps each leg.

Hip extensions: 10 reps each side

Hip rotations: 5 each leg

Forward leg swings: 10 each leg

Side leg swings: 10 each leg

Push-ups: 10-20 reps

Spider-man steps: 10 reps

Our goal isn’t to tire you out, instead we want to warm you up.

That’s step one.

Completing your chosen at-home workout would be step two.

Below, you’ll find 7 sequences you can follow along with! And if you like our style of workouts, you can check out our coaching program where we’ll customize a training routine that fits your life and/or travel schedule:

Short on time? Let us build you a workout program!

Home Workout #1: Beginner Bodyweight

This at-home routine, as we lay out in our Beginner Bodyweight Workout article, is as follows:

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Push-ups: 10 reps

Walking lunges: 10 each leg

Dumbbell rows (using a gallon milk jug or another weight): 10 each arm.

Plank: 15 seconds

Jumping Jacks: 30 reps

The above is what we call “circuit training,” with the objective being to run through the workout sequence once, then again, then again.

Note: Not a milk drinker?

If you don’t have milk in the house for the rows, find something of roughly the same weight with a good handle.

If you want to download this Beginner Bodyweight Workout as a worksheet, you can do so when you sign up in the box below:

Grab Your Beginner Bodyweight Routine Worksheet. No Gym Required!

Complete this workout at home, no equipment required

Avoid the common mistakes everybody makes when doing bodyweight exercises

Learn how to finally get your first pull-up

Want a coach to help every step of the way? Learn more:

Home Workout #2: Advanced Bodyweight 

If the beginner at-home workout above is too easy for you, move on to our Advanced Bodyweight Workout. The workout looks like this:

One-legged squats – 10 each side [warning: super-difficult, only attempt if you’re in good enough shape]

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Walking lunges: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Jump step-ups: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Pull-ups: 10 reps [or inverted bodyweight rows]

Dips (between bar stools): 10 reps

Chin-ups: 10 reps [or inverted bodyweight rows with underhand grip]

Push-ups: 10 reps

Plank: 30 seconds

Not familiar with these moves? Check out the 21 Best Advanced Bodyweight Exercises for a full breakdown.

I warn you, the above sequence will hurt… in a good way. You should be proud if you can get through this three times.

Get a workout program that grows with you! Check out our Coaching Program:

Home Workout #3: The 20-Min Hotel Routine

Sometimes, you just plain find yourself stuck in a hotel room. Maybe you can find the hotel gym, but I bet it’s terrible! It probably has 2 machines, a broken treadmill, and no free weights. 

Ugh.

Instead, how about a 20-min workout you can do in the room itself! Utilize the furniture to its full potential.

Level 1

Bodyweight squats: 20 reps

Incline push-ups: 15 reps (feet on floor, hands on edge of bed or desk)

One-arm luggage rows: 10 reps (each arm, use your suitcase as your weight)

Reverse crunches: 10 reps

Level 2

Overhead Squats: 25 reps

Push-Ups: 20 reps

Inverted Rows using the desk in your hotel room: 10 reps

Reverse Crunches: 15 reps

Set the alarm clock to 15 minutes from now and see how many circuits you can do!

Check out our full post on hotel circuits if you want Level 3!

We have a LOT of business travelers in our 1-on-1 coaching program,  which is why we create workouts for both their home gym and while traveling!

If you need worldwide accountability, workouts for home and the road, and want expert guidance…

Travel for work? Let us create a travel program to help you stay healthy!

Home Workout #4: High-Intensity Interval Training 

You don’t have to head to the gym to do High-Intensity Interval Training. You can do a complete routine right in your own home!

HIIT is just following a specific regimen where you vary your speeds and intensity throughout a shorter run, swim, bike, or row.

Unless you have a giant backyard, running at home might be tough.

But you know what doesn’t require a lot of room?

Burpees!

To complete a burpee:

Start standing up, then squat down and kick your legs out.

Do a push-up, bring your legs back in, and explode up into a jump.

For a HIIT workout, try to do 20 repetitions, then rest for two minutes.

Repeat until you hate yourself.

Check out our full guide on How to Start Interval Training for some more ideas on HIIT workouts at home.

Home Workout #5: Attack of the Angry Birds

The Angry Birds Workout is designed to be done when you have 5 or 10 minutes to kill.

Sort of like playing Angry Birds…

Here’s how The Angry Birds Workout Plan works: it’s deceptively simple – only four major movements.

Bodyweight squats

Push-ups

Pull-ups (or inverted rows)

Planks

If you don’t have time to run through the whole sequence, no problem!

Depending on how much time you have during the day, you can do your whole workout at once, or break up your training into four different sessions throughout the day (with each session being ONE of the exercises).

Here’s a sample day for your No-Equipment Workout:

Wake up, do 40 jumping jacks to warm up, and then do bodyweight squats.

At lunch, you grab your suitcase (if you’re at work, milk jug if you’re at home) and do inverted rows.

After work, you do another 50 jumping jacks and then do your push-ups.

After dinner, you do your planks while watching TV.

You could even split it up over two days if needed, but the goal would be to do it the whole sequence at once.

The main Angry Birds Workout article describes in detail Levels 1-6, but here’s Level 3 for you:

Bodyweight squats: 50 reps

Push-ups: 50 reps

Pull-ups: 10 reps

Planks: 3-minute hold

Once you’ve done the complete routine, you have my permission to pull out your phone and play the actual game!

Home Workout #6: Train like Batman

We love the Caped Crusader here at Nerd Fitness, so naturally we have The Batman Bodyweight Workout for you to try!

Bonus points if you somehow do this no-equipment workout in a cave, as that’s how Bruce Wayne would roll.[1]

This workout is separated into two days for you:

Batman No-Equipment Workout Day 1:

Rolling squat tuck-up jumps: 5 reps

Side to side push-ups: 5 reps

Modified headstand push-ups: 5 reps

Jump pull-up with tuck / Pull-up with Tuck-up: 5 reps

Handstands against wall: 8 seconds

Batman No-Equipment Workout Day 2:

‘180 Degree’ jump turns: 5 reps

Tuck front lever hold: 8 seconds

Tuck back lever hold: 8 seconds

Low frog hold: 8 seconds

This is a relatively advanced workout already, but if you want to progress to the next level, check out the main Batman Bodyweight Workout for tips on how to do just that.

Get in shape like Batman with our Online Coaching!

Home Workout #7: The PLP Progression

The PLP is a progressive program in which you complete one additional rep of three exercises – Pull Ups, Lunges, and Push Ups – every day, for two months.

NOTE: This is NOT a beginner program, and should not be attempted unless you have been training consistently and can do multiple repetitions of pull-ups and push-ups with great form.

Like this perfect push-up:

And this perfect pull-up:

Here’s how the PLP Progression works:

Day 1:

Pull-ups: 10 reps

Push-ups: 10 reps

Lunges: 10 reps (each leg)

Day 2:

Pull-ups: 11 reps

Push-ups: 11 reps

Lunges: 11 reps (each leg)

Day 3:

Pull-ups: 12 reps

Push-ups: 12 reps

Lunges: 12 reps (each leg)

How long do you keep doing this?

As originally envisioned by Chad Waterbury, the PLP Workout lasts 60 days.[3]

Yeah…by the end of it you’ll be doing more than 50 pull-ups.

There are two versions:

If you can do 10 straight pull-ups: Start day 1 with 10 reps of each.

If you cannot do 10 straight pull-ups: Start day 1 with 1 rep of each.

Complete your required reps each day in as many sets as you need, whenever you need to. The goal is to do it in as few sets as possible, but enough so that you can complete each rep with proper form.

Want to learn more? Check out my results on the PLP Workout.

Bonus No-Equipment Workout: The Playground Circuit

Do you have a nearby playground? Why not work out there! If you have kids, you can do it together. Or let them ignore you.

I’ll give you a Level One workout, and a Level Two. Check out The 20-Minute Playground Workout for some Level Three exercises.

Level One

Alternating step-ups: 20 reps (10 each leg)

Elevated push-ups: 10 reps

Swing rows: 10 reps

Assisted lunges: 8 reps each leg

Bent leg reverse crunches: 10 reps

Level Two

Bench jumps: 10 reps

Lower incline push-ups: 10 reps

Body rows: 10 reps

Lunges: 8 reps each leg

Straight leg reverse crunches: 10 reps

After you’ve gone through a complete set three times, go down the slide!

Working out doesn’t have to suck. Let our coaches build you a fun program!

How to Build Your Own At-Home Workout

We just went over 7 workouts you can do at home (plus a workout you can do in a park).

You don’t have to stick to these though! I have two resources to help you design your own no-equipment workout:

The 42 Best Bodyweight Exercises: This guide will teach you how to perform the best bodyweight exercises – no equipment required! Check it out if you are unfamiliar with any of the movements referenced in today’s guide.

How To Build Your Own Workout Routine: Once you’re comfortable with a handful of bodyweight exercises, use this guide to pull them all together into a full-body workout!

That should get you going on building a workout you can do in the comfort of your own home.

Want more? Alright, eager beaver, I got you.

We built THREE options for people just like you:

1) If you want step-by-step guidance, a custom workout program that levels up as you get stronger, and a coach to keep you accountable, check out our killer 1-on-1 coaching program:

Our coaching program changes lives. Learn how!

2) Good at following instructions? Check out our self-paced online course, the Nerd Fitness Academy.

The Academy has 20+ workouts for both bodyweight or weight training, a benchmark test to determine your starting workout, HD demonstrations of every movement, boss battles, meal plans, a questing system, and supportive community.

Learn more about The Nerd Fitness Academy!

3) Join the Rebellion! We need good people like you in our community, the Nerd Fitness Rebellion. 

Sign up in the box below to enlist and get our guide, Strength Training 101: Everything You Need to Know. It’ll help you start incorporating these bodyweight moves into your training.

Download our comprehensive guide STRENGTH TRAINING 101!

Everything you need to know about getting strong.

Workout routines for bodyweight AND weight training.

How to find the right gym and train properly in one.

Alright, your turn: I’d love to hear how your home training is going!

Which workout above did you try? Did you make one of your own?

Leave a comment below with your results or any questions you have on working out at home.

For the Rebellion!

-Steve

PS: If you were going to buy one piece of equipment to utilize in your home, a kettlebell would offer you a lot of versatility:

###

Photo Sources: Scenes from an empty lot in Brooklyn, vol 1, Hotel Room, Speed!, LEGO Angry Birds, The Batman, Vintage House Bicycle,

Footnotes    ( returns to text)

You probably don’t want to actually do this workout in a cave. Hitting your head on a stalactite wouldn’t be fun.

Check out Chad’s great post here.

The 7 Best At-Home Workout Routines: The Ultimate Guide for Training Without a Gym published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/