#getting my car situation figured out is just my current goal that I'd like to get done before mid october due to an event that would-

[twistitch]

Thinking about setting up to start doing art commissions but the whole thing seems very daunting

I don't know how much to price things, like I have an idea of what kind of categories people generally list on commission sheets I just don't know how much I should be pricing things at

I have an idea for a sheet layout I just have to make it and figure out prices

I also don't even know how best to go about advertising that I do art and if anyone would even want art from me

I also am nervous about the whole thing in general but I want (and kind of need to) start offering to make art for others

So if anyone has advice or suggestions I would love to hear it

[kidmachinate]

Full Circle

We've come back around at this point to the whole titles of this blog and why it was created. Last year was rough. I suppose this is the year in summary post I referenced on Facebook, so here we go.

Last year, all of the following that I can recall (but certainly not limited to) all took place in the same year.

- Hand was forced and had to get a used car after spending thousands on my old one to try and keep it.

- Took more responsibility for my current living situation where we have had to deal with employment lapses.

- Multiple occurrences of work related mental anguish

- Facebook account hacked and tried for months to recover it with no luck

All of this is just off the top of my head. It was rough mentally and financially mostly. Typical life stuff. Nothing crazy, right? Sure as hell felt heavy and this is just the stuff I can remember. A few of these have carried over into this year and it just won't do. This is a new year and I have new goals.

To be forgotten, ignored, unheard, no one wants this. Not from anyone in any relationship capacity. How many times can you be ignored, stonewalled, or kicked while already down before a person says that's enough. The exit strategy isn't always easy. I'm all for mental peace but it truly isn't as simple as sometimes people make it out to be. Give yourself a timeline. Be honest with yourself. If things didn't change over the course of the last few days, months, years, what is your real shot of it changing? It could change down the line, but you're left "holding the bag" as they say until people figure it out...or worse, don't ever figure it out.

You shouldn't ever subject yourself to this kind of torture or abuse. I'm putting that out there because why sugarcoat it? While I will say there is good to be had in many scenarios and/or lessons to be learned, eventually there's a turning point. You have to go because you just can't take any more. It's never personal. Heck, say it's you, not them if you must...but you know damn well it was them. I'm all for fighting for what you're worth but as you continue down a path where things are stagnant, you start questioning yourself. What are you doing wrong? Probably something. Is this a human mistake that can be corrected, or does it become a bigger ordeal? Does it prevent growth? We all want to grow, right? This blog is all about refusing to go hollow and frankly, it had to be pointed out to me to realize how bad it actually was..so here we are.

Let's shift gears. If you're with a loved one and they forget you all of a sudden, that sucks, obviously. This happens to Freya in Final Fantasy IX and she has to live with that pain. Is it the same or worse if someone knows you're there, but just doesn't acknowledge you? No care for your feelings. No touch. No affection. Nothing. Is that much different? I'd say not or make the debate it could even be worse. While I won't be the judge of one struggle vs the other here, the overall point is, in a state where you are indeed forgotten, it is gonna take a real strong bond to repair what is in shambles or broken. There has to be effort however on both sides. If one gives it all and the other person isn't hearing it, it's time to walk quicker than it takes for Mike Tyson to knock you out in Punch Out!!. For the average person, this is probably less than a minute for context, since he will one shot you. Three punches, TKO. Done deal. All in less than a minute and the in game "seconds" are quicker than real seconds. In short, GTFO (get the fuck out).

Sometimes, a healthy relationship can't be had no matter what you do. You can fight all you'd like. It won't matter. Cut your losses and set yourself free again. Whatever that may take. When your own thoughts start to scare you, that's a clear sign. Whoever or whatever is keeping you, it's time to burn the bridge and never look back. It's not fun either, to tell so many different versions of the same tale of fighting against what isn't right for your mental being. The issue is there is so much stacked against you. I implore you to make sure you have the right people in your corner. There is a ton of value in this and what you may need to push past troubled times. A good therapist is also a huge benefit, in person or online. The choice (and power, as I hear) is yours. Tell someone you love them today.

If forgotten, do you feel valued? If so, it might be worth fighting for. If you do not, take the hint. Adios.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

singing part 2

I had a good time last night, and surprise myself with what inspires me. So much inspires me and suddenly I am filled with the golden warmth of beauty and creativity and wanting to express it. Going back to singing was hard for me, even though I knew I had nothing to fear, I still had to convince my body. I spent a lot of time self-soothing and validating all the feelings running through my body. Mostly anxiety. Am I somehow afraid of the intensity of my emotions? Is my fear myself? Becoming this version? The power of it? Shit I don't know. I went first to visit the swans and koi pond in Rockford. The closest "city" to me is known as the scruffier and far worse Chicago. I like to think of it like the River Styx being a river of underworld stones. I also feel like fording rocks is a far different game than fording water. I've played Oregon Trail. I know things.

I love the way the swan moves. The gentleness in his eyes and how his body operates in bird time. They move differently than chickens, but that makes sense. They are a water bird. There is something different about the energy of water birds. I also went to the blooming rose gardens and got lost in the hyperfocus of documenting the colors and names of each. The sun was perfect. Golden hour. I'm excited to look over the photos and maybe post some here. There's one particular rose called 'Love's Promise' that I found interesting. It's a white rose that literally looks blood splattered. Poetically accurate for sure. It was so nice to just focus on nothing but the present moment. If I have the freedom and time, my first instinct is always to delight in the world and my first desire is to find a way to express the joy I find in its beauty. I saw some of the people from the last time I went. I saw foot massage guy and I didn't feel weird about it, even gave him a friendly nod. I didn't mind being seen and I made a few friends to sit with at the bar. It feels like high school in some ways. I like the character I rolled this time. I'm going to be able to socialize and do what I need to. My confidence does sometimes get elusive, but I do well in most social situations and am able to stay regulated.

My first song was 'Don't Blame Me'. It was the best one. In my second song I was able to actually feel the music move through my body. Usually it just kind of bounces up and down my chakra systems. It's like I was able to step into it and become one with it this time. I still feel so awkward dancing and singing at the same time. The most fun was just singing along with everyone else. Someone sang, "I Will Go The Distance" by Hercules and for awhile it was euphoric when "Piano Man" came on. They might be looking for a bartender. Maybe I'd be a good bartender. I've never been one of those. Waitressing always made me nervous because I'm sometimes graceful but mostly clumsy. I also forget things so much. Object permanence is a thing. Bar tending doesn't have so many moving parts. Or at least it didn't seem to based on my observation last night. I feel safe there. I feel safe to sing there. I felt safe when I absolutely and utterly crashed and bombed my last song. But I didn't feel like... I failed. It just felt like a song that didn't work for me. Shrug. Move on. I think that' the goal. I'm not taking things as personal failure. Just experience building. Afterwards I went to the river and watched the lights and how they played with the surface and the current beneath it. It looked like Van Gogh's lines of energy in Starry Starry Night. Gorgeous. I felt like I was in a different city, a magical place where everything made sense. Safe. Peaceful. Secure. And it was and it's a mindset I'll keep visiting. In between breaths you notice there is nothing missing in the present moment. In the beauty of spirit. I also got way too overstimulated and couldn't drive home. Night driving is harder for me than daylight driving. Need to figure out how to get my car. I only had a glass of wine in the early evening so I know it wasn't that, but I still didn't want to take any chances. I forget that all the socializing and fun and energy work is wonderful but it also takes a big toll on my energy and ability to focus. It'll balance out. I'm transitioning. Evolving. Unfolding? Losing my mind. Something is happening and it is different. It's beautiful. It's confusing. It's hard to... understand all of it. Likely not meant to. I went. I did stuff. More practice at things I'm not confident in. Feeling safe in environments I didn't used to feel safe in. Embracing the embodiment of what my energy is that day. Goals being met. Responsibility being taken. Progress. Beauty. Being part of the world again as myself.

[nancychi]

oct 29

i've been questioning my faith a lot.

The past couple of years have been a whirlwind of everything and nothing. My mind has been trying to process it all but I guess when I try to put it into words it doesn't know how to properly process it. Blogging has always been my gateway of figuring out why I feel a certain way, but i've halted it since probably 2017. & honestly, since then I don't really know what happened in my life. I'm not sure if I use to write more for myself or for my readers. In a way, knowing that other people are reading what i'm trying to process gave me a sense of purpose... cause I mean common, my brain already is thinking everything that i'm trying to put down into words. So maybe my goal will be to get back on here. I don't even know how to write anymore. My grammar probably sucks, and my spelling? Don't even be surprised. I write like I talk. And the way that I talk isn't much more sophisticated in any way. It's simple - and my brain can't seem to learn anything new. I'm currently 33.

In many ways, when I reflect on my life right now, it's ideally good. I have both my parents alive and well. My immediate family members are generally living with everything we can ask for. Money, cars, families, comfort, health and whatever the world thinks is the meaning of success. As for me, I have the most ideal life that I can ask for. I work probably 20 hours a week on a "busy week," make way more than I ever thought i'd make, can eat whatever I want and work out everyday. I have all the time in the world to watch tv, hang out with my friends, travel practically whenever I want. My biggest worries currently are probably thinking that I can never afford a house in San Diego, getting audited, my business taking a bajillion years to open, and of course not being married and having kids, or even being close to it. Which, I guess can seem pretty tragic to some people LOL. But, maybe i've convinced myself that I have enough that those things are just secondary.

In all this, i've been a been weary. Maybe being by myself more recently has reminded me of how lonely this life can be. Even though I am surrounded by all the greatest people, I at times still feel so alone. This I know is rooted in not being close to God. I remember specifically the moments I fell in love with Jesus. When I felt like nothing in the world or the universe can tear me away from. Throw me on an island I would say, and all will be well. He was actually living in me and alive within me. I heard his voice so clearly. My heart and soul felt fulfilled and satisfied in whatever situation I was in.

But now. Now I feel like an empty shell. I first felt this when I questioned if the Spirit was still in me. I then began to notice myself questioning things of the bible. Truths that I use to hold so dear and close to my heart, I began to find myself doubting. I also found myself minimizing the gravity of whatever the gospel was saying. & this scares me. Which is so ironic... cause I probably feel scared and want to cling on because I do have the spirit inside me right? RIGHT?

I've also recently started going to a new church. Kairos. It's everything that i've been looking for in a church. A smallish but big enough church where missions is a priority, prayer is being practiced, community isn't just a weekly food gathering and the leadership seems so in tune with the Spirit. BUT it's been wrecking me a little. This past week I went to a bible study for young adults. Going to these groups have truly humbled me. like.... did everyone go to seminary? Everyone seems so genuinely in Love with God. They all seem very grown in their walks as well. Like what, where are all the people that need to be reminded who Jesus is? Where are all the "Sunday church goers?"

ANYWAY, all this to say... we were reading Hebrews and in Ch 4 it talks about people that are being fed milk and solid food. And i felt like i've been drinking milk the past 7 years. I Also realized... in that same chapter that I don't think I knew the difference between Good and Evil anymore. My lines have been so blurred that I don't know what change in my life would look like if I were to be close to God. SO, this week I am going to challenge myself to pray more and really dig into the word again. I want to be changed. I want to be renewed. I want to have confidence when Jesus asks me who I am at the gates of heaven.

SO here I am... trying to make sense of myself and my faith. Praying for miracles in my life. Transformations in my heart. May my life look significantly different in a week, month, a year because of Jesus.