#genuinely had to like take a mental day off I was sooooo. not well yesterday lmfao

[osamudadzai]

I don’t think my periods like especially bad this month it’s just that I felt SO FINE. AND NORMAL. Before it so now it’s all hitting like a freight train

[kdipshit]

Trying ;

A different part of me shows up depending on who I’m speaking to, strangers don’t even get the same version of me, yanno that version on you when you meet someone new? I change my personality based on the initial energy I feel. I’m shy sometimes, I’m out the gate other times. It really just DEPENDS. who am I? Well I’m not one thing, I’m a combination of hundreds of thousands of little things, I’m not uniform, I actually don’t have a clue how to start explaining myself, this is the shit I do, I just wrote a cover letter for a job, like a specific job, because I guess I really want it, having a job gives me anxiety issues, but I haven’t had any anxiety issues since not being at work, hmmmmmm, like duh work gives me anxiety, but I have been working on my anxiety, and taking this god damn pills every damn day, I am happy to take them, by the way. I do truely feel like I can take on this job, casually, not crazy hours, super close to home still, I can walk, I’m happy to walk, I’m in my walking girl phase anyways, like its still good to get something off my daily to do list, I slacked off today, I think I got discouraged because I woke up super late even though I set an alarm, It wa like instant failure and bad day, I’ve already missed the morning so why do my Me+ yang, and I said no, I should still do my morning routine even though I woke up late, and I did, and I’m so grateful that I did because I didn’t fall into the trap, I did what I said I was going to do every morning, because it helps my mental health status.

Being fit genuinely makes you pretty, it evens out your skin tone, tightens your skin and like you just look sooooo pretty, I need to be more fit, I don’t have any excuses not to, I’m trying to learn how to do the things I don’t want to do even when I don’t want to do it, prepping me for bigger things in life like going to work when I don’t want to lmao, it’s all connected, and I’m still learning. Until I can accept to have to do the things I don’t want to, I’ll continue to do them, no matter how I feel. Well that’s what I hope I do, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do it without constantly writing about it, other wise it just get tangled up in all the other mess…. My main focus remains to slowly unravel, and just all round slow the fuck down, mentally, my thinking needs management and direction, it’s a mess. But I’m doing the messy work, and I’m okay with that, because it just is, and I have to be. I shouldn’t tourture myself though, with doing things I don’t want to do all day long, but just recognising, that things need to be done, no matter how I feel about it. How I feel about it, is irrelevant to the bigger picture, its only when I focus on what the problem should be, is there ever an issue. i am not my feelings and they come and go just as thoughts do.

I caught a glimpse and I’m going after it, no matter how I feel, I’m so grateful for the version of myself I am today, thanks to the many yesterdays, i swear I change faster than one of those skin changer lizards lol, I feel on cloud 9, I’m happy despite all the crazy noise below me, I can breath despite all the chatter, I can sleep no matter how crazy the city traffic is. The moment I say no to doing something that is benefiting me, it turns on the switch to spiral me back down to old ways of thinking, and that’s exactly where we’re trying to a avoid, and may I just say how fucking proud I am of myself, I’ve kept up with my morning routine for like a solid couple weeks, I’ve kept my room clean, I’ve made my bed every morning which is something I’ve never done, I’ve just never cared for making my bed coz I was always in it lmao, and my mum made my bed when I was a kid, I’ve eaten every day, I’ve taken my pills at the same time, I’ve gotten my sleep schedule on lock, I’m literally out like a light by 10pm WHO AM I ???? I’m up by 8-9 which is okay but I’d like to get up at 7am, don’t ask me why, I don’t know, I just love the number 7, plus I’m the luckiest girl in the universe and all that cute jazz. I write every single day like this is a HUGE streak for me, I’m very very proud of myself, I think seeing the streak of my non drinking (7months 29days btw) really motivated me in a way that made me feel capable to streak other good things in my life. Like seeing a meter of my success lmao, not that I need it, it’s just good to have a quick look and be grateful to be able to stand here today. It has not been an easy road, in fact it’s the hardest road I’ve ever had to go down, but I don’t care how hard it is, I can do this. I don’t know what it is I’m doing, but I’m fucking doing it and I’m doing it to the best of my ability, I’m achieving my own trust by consistently standing beside myself, no matter what, by showing up for myself, for putting the thoughts and feelings aside and pushing thru. healthy coping mechanisms have slowly implemented themselves into my life due to my constant effort. I’m not perfect, I’m a rough cut, but I’m getting there, and that’s by doing this shit every single day. Alone. Most importantly.

[bittywitches]

Baby Girl | G.D [Part Three]

Part One | Part Two

A/N: Y/N is having a hard time dealing with what happened the other night, but when an unexpected visitor shows up at her school the day seems to turn around :)

Thank you so much for the love I’ve gotten for this series, it really means the world <3 Thanks for reading!

Word Count: 6.2K

The ringing of the school bell at the end of the day was always music to your ears, but today especially it felt like a gift as you rushed to your locker to gather your things. The entire day had been an absolute train-wreck for you, starting with you forgetting your cue cards for your business presentation that morning, to accidentally destroying half of the atom diagram you’d made as a favour to one of the freshmen science teachers (leading to a very embarrassing apology and a promise to fix it by the end of the week that you definitely did not plan on keeping), ending with you completely bombing your physics test last period, effectively raising your anxiety to a new record high. 

This, of course, wouldn’t be happening in the first place if it weren’t for the fact that your brain really wasn’t here right now. Your mind had been wandering the entire day, only really thinking about one thing from the moment you woke up:

Grayson.

And it would be different if they were just pleasant daydreams. No, you were used to daydreaming constantly during school. This was different. This was a constant pounding in your head, just a voice constantly feeding into your anxious thoughts, effectively ruining everything for you today. Ever since the night before, you’d been worrying non-stop about what had happened at the twins’ place. The entire car ride home, you kept dodging questions that your sister asked you, trying your best not to have a mental breakdown in the passenger seat. You were, frankly, mortified by yourself. In your mind, you had effectively ruined your friendship with Cameron, ruined any sort of relationship you could ever have with Grayson, and were sure that this was going to end up with your sister finding out what you had done. So when Cameron texted you that morning seeming like nothing out of the ordinary was going on, you were nervous. It was able to help you rationalize the situation a bit. Okay, so maybe Grayson didn’t go and tell his sister about your breakdown. But still, there’s no way you’d be able to face him again. And you hated that so much, you loathed yourself for ruining something that felt so perfect to you, You hated that you’d fucked up any chance of you and Grayson having any sort of relationship at all. 

Either way, your heart immediately sunk again that morning when your sister told you that she’d be at work again, so Cameron would be the one to come pick you up. Hearing this, you, of course, tried to ignore the impending feeling of doom that crept over your shoulder throughout the day, which now felt like you were carrying tons of bricks on your back instead of the textbooks you were now loading into your bag before closing your locker door. You sighed, pressing your forehead against the cold metal as you took your phone out.

There was a notification:

Cameron D.

Heyyy, so there’s been a slight change of plans…

Reading those words only made your heart felt like it was going to shoot up and out of your throat. What could she mean by that?

You pressed the message and quickly responded to her.

Y/N

Idk if I like how that sounds…

Throwing your backpack over your shoulder. you headed for the staircase as you watched the three little dots bounce on your screen.

Cameron D.

Turns out my friend is hosting a get together later tn for her coworkers but she completely forgot n now she needs my help to get everything ready

Cameron D.

Sooooo I asked one of the boys to pick you up! :)

The tip of your shoe immediately caught onto the last step, vaulting you forward literally almost getting you to eat dirt, but you caught yourself. And it wasn’t because you weren’t looking where you were going (although that did happen frequently as well) but because you genuinely felt your fear that had been trickling up your spine all day finally come up and grip your throat with no warning, catching you completely off guard. Thank god you’d already gotten to the bottom of the stairs, since you were quite sure that you would’ve fallen face-first down them and broken a multitude of bones.

You hastily texted her back, making your way out the front door of the school.

Y/N

One of the boys??

When your foot landed on the curb you stopped abruptly and looked up to see you’d already reached the road.

Cameron D.

Yea, my brothers?? One of the twins lol did you forget them already

You would’ve laughed if it weren’t for your overwhelming anxiety right now.

Y/N

Which one of the twins?

The fact that she wasn’t texting you back immediately literally felt like it was giving you a heart attack.

Y/N

Cameron?

Y/N

Which twin???

Y/N

CAMERON

Y/N

ANSWER ME

“Y/N?” 

You looked up, and you could feel your heart actually stop beating. A shock of cold went up through your body when your eyes connected with those familiar hazel ones, the ones that you’d spent the past fourteen hours thinking about non-stop.

You spun around quickly, your back towards the immensely eye-catching baby blue Porsche, and the figure who was looking at you threw the window. You were panting hard. You pressed a hand to your forehead, trying to keep your head from spinning. It’s not him. It can’t be him.

You then heard you phone ding again, and you looked at your screen:

Cameron D.

Grayson, why?

You dropped your hands to your sides, breathing heavily and trying to blink back the tears that were starting to form in your eyes from all the thoughts rushing through your head at once.

“Y/N, it’s Grayson!”  His deep voice was so loud in your ears and you could see the eyes of other students passing by clinging to the bright car, then drifting their eyes towards you when they saw who the man inside the vehicle had his attention on. You gripped the straps of your bag tightly and pressed your eyes shut, trying to concentrate on anything but the eyes and the stares and the voices and that feeling-

“Um, Cameron said she wasn’t able to pick you up.” He said, quieter this time. But it sounded distant to you, and you were trying your hardest just to focus on the sound of your deep breathes and nothing else because you really didn’t feel like collapsing for a second time in front of him-

But thinking of that only made your heart start beating faster again and your breaths were coming shorter and shorter. Hastily opening your eyes, you reached into your sweater pocket and fumbled for your inhaler, quickly bringing it out and taking a puff. 

Your breathing eased, and your head felt like it was clearing up from all of the anxiety-inducing thoughts. You breathed out, stuffing your inhaler back into your pocket (you’d never let it leave your side again). One last look at your phone made you bite your lip in annoyance.

 “Thanks a fucking lot cam-” You muttered, turning around to finally face the one you were sure you’d never be able to face again.

Grayson’s furrowed eyebrows finally relaxed, a wary but soft smile growing on his face. “Hey.”

Seeing his face again didn’t help the buzzing of nerves inside of you. He looked amazing. Looking at him now, it made you realize that you’d missed his face. His lovely locks of hair, his gentle brown eyes, his chiseled face and his short stubble and his pink lips. You’d spent the whole day trying to push the image of him out of your head but seeing him now felt like the dam holding back all of those thoughts and emotions had broken and were now flooding your brain. It felt wrong to look at him like this when he still felt like a stranger.

You breathed out slowly once more. “Hey.”

“Cam sent me.”

Your feet finally began to move, and you walked over to his car. “Yea, I know.” You pointed to your phone.

“Ah.” 

You hesitated when you reached the side of the car, debating over if whether to sit in the passenger or back seat.

“I promise I won’t bite,” Grayson said, unlocking the car door with a sheepish smile.

You bit the inside of your cheek, reaching for the passenger seat door handle and pulling it open. You sat down gently in the passenger seat, placing your school bag at your feet before closing the door.

The drive was quiet for a while, a million thoughts rushing through your head at once. There was a part of you that wanted to reach for him, grab his face in your hands and kiss him like you did the night before. Sure, you were scared. But the feeling that rushed through you when his lips were connected with yours was something that was incomparable to anything else. But then there was that other part of you; that nagging, intrusive voice that won’t stop reminding you that you had fucked up. You embarrassed yourself. You shouldn’t be here, in his car, after everything you’ve done.

You bury your face in your hands, rubbing your face and your eyes.

Just get through the car ride.

“Hey.” You looked up, a bit startled, and saw Grayson giving you a quick look before returning his eyes to the road. “You okay?”

“Oh, yea, just had a bit of a rough day at school-”

“No, I meant,” He ran a hand through his hair then rested it at the back of his neck. “About yesterday.”

“Oh.” Your face flushed. The trees and cars outside the window suddenly seemed like they were a lot more interesting than anything inside the car. You rubbed circles on your knees, trying to keep yourself from freaking out any more than necessary. “Y-yea. I’m okay.”

“That’s good.” He had one arm gripped on the steering wheel, very obviously showing off his arm in his tshirt from the vein leading up to his bicep from his hand. “Did you get home okay? I was going to call you, but I didn’t have your number-”

“Yea, got home fine.” You said, cutting him off abruptly. He didn’t say anything, but you could see him in the front mirror looking at you through the corner of his eye. A few more minutes passed before he said anything else.

“Um, Y/N.” It felt like he was pushing the words out of his throat. “If… if you felt like I was pressuring you yesterday to- to do anything, I’m REALLY s-”

“No! I-It was nothing like that.” You rushed to say, and he looked at you with a worried expression. As if he didn’t believe you because of how fast you’d responded.

You sighed. “It’s okay, I promise.” You could visibly see the weight being lifted off his shoulders when he slumped and let out an audible breath of relief. 

“I…” You stuttered. “I really wanted to.” You muttered quietly.

Grayson’s ears tinted a bright shade of pink at that.

“I-” You said louder now. “I’m really, really so-”

“I thought I told you to never apologize to me.” He stopped you, raising an eyebrow.

A smile finally broke through when he said that.

“Um..” You looked at him now, less afraid to meet his eyes. “Thank you for… for taking care of me yesterday.”

He now returned your smile, happy to finally see your lovely face look happy. “There’s nothing to thank me for.”

You laid back in your seat, sighing in content as you did so.

“Hey, are you busy with anything today?”

You thought about it. Technically, yes. But right now, you really didn’t feel like doing anything else except be here. “No, why?”

“Can I take you somewhere?”

You tilted your head at him.

“It’ll be fun, I promise.”

You bit your lip, unsure of what exactly he had in store for you.

“Please?” His arm came down from the steering wheel to gently lay it on your thigh, his gentle eyes pleading with you.

“Okay.” You said it with no hesitation in your voice, because you wanted to. 

He smiled, taking his hand away, disappointing you a little bit but exciting you nonetheless. 

“Great.” He turned abruptly at the next intersection, and you giggled at the excitement he wore on his face.

“So, you were saying something happened at school today?”

----

“Grayson, where are we?” You stared intently out the window eyes roaming over the golden sand and the rocky terrain.

Grayson stepped out of the car, and walked around to your side, then pulled the door open.

“El Matador State Beach.” He held a hand out for you, and you took it so he could help you out of the car. He closed the door behind you. 

“You’re telling me you’ve never been here before?” You shook your head, eyeing the beautiful birds flying overhead.

“When did you move to LA again?” He began walking, and he gently pressed a hand to your back to guide you along. 

“My freshman year. So…” You looked at him, noticing that his hand still lingered. “Wow, I guess it’s been four years.”

“Four years and you’ve never come to this popular tourist spot?”

You rolled your eyes. “If it’s so popular where are all the people?”

“Most people tend to float towards Paradise Cove, or Manhattan Beach. You know, like your more conventional, Instagram-y kind of beaches.”

“Ah.” You liked the way the grainy sand crunched beneath your sneakers. The salty fresh air filled your lungs, emitting a sigh from you.The ultramarine-blue water was mesmerizing, and the waves playfully splashed up against the rocks. A large rock cliff faces lined the other side of the beach, the beautiful greenery tumbling over it really adding to the whole vibe of the place.

“C’mon.” Grayson gently grabbing your wrist brought your attention back to him, heating your face a bit as he tugged you closer to the shoreline towards an array of tall rocks jutting out of the shallow water.

“Up there?” You questioned quietly.

“It’s a great view from there,” He silently pleaded with you again, and you just couldn’t say no to him. The nod you gave him made a big smile grow on his face. 

“Careful,” He cautioned, helping you step up onto the smaller rocks down below, following close behind you. When the rocks started to jut out a bit more, you were warier with your steps, almost slipping. His arms came up to gently hold your waist, steadying you as you reached the flat surface at the top facing out towards the water.

You both sat down on the rock face, dangling your legs over the sides as you looked out over at the water. He was right, the view was spectacular. The sun shined beautifully at the water, it glistening as it came and washed up against the rocks, tickling both of your feet. It was beautiful. And it made it just that much better that you were sitting there with Grayson.

You looked over at him. He laid back on his hands, smiling wistfully to himself as his hazel eyes shined in the sunlight, calm and at peace. He was just as breathtaking as the rest of the view. 

You wanted this moment to last forever.

You bit your lip, that nagging voice becoming louder in your head again. Even if things were okay between you both, it didn’t resolve what happened last night. It didn’t feel right, and it was resting in a funny way in your stomach. And it made sense, you literally just walked into his home and then broke down in his arms a few hours later. You had scared him, and that was unfair, because you barely knew him. Yet you felt like it was more than that. You felt like you owed him something.

“I get panic attacks.” You blurted out. Grayson turned his head to you, tilting it questioningly.

“What?”

“I, um,” You cleared your throat. “Sometimes I get panic attacks, and they can sometimes lead to asthma attacks.”

His eyes widened. “So it is my fault that happened last night, isn’t it-”

“No!” You grabbed his arm. “No, I promise. It’s not your fault. I just wanted to tell you, because… well because I usually don’t collapse in people’s arms the first time I meet them.”

His eyes softened, and he chuckled. “I mean, it would be very memorable if you did.”

You smiled, darting your eyes away. 

“Do you… do you get panic attacks often?”

You turned to him with a somewhat uncomfortable look, which lead to him quickly following that up with “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I was just askin-”

“No, it’s okay.” You smiled at him reassuringly, and he returned it. “They’re not too frequent, but if I get really stressed or freaked out they can happen.” You fiddled with your fingers in your lap. “My asthma’s not actually that bad, it’s really just my panic attacks that make it a problem. I don’t usually have asthma attacks too, though-” You added hurriedly. “It’s just when I don’t have my inhaler it adds to the stress, you know?”

“Actually, yeah, kinda.” You raised an eyebrow at him. “I have asthma too.”

You opened your mouth in surprise. “Oh.”

He chuckled. “Yea. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but I always keep an extra inhaler in my car. Just in case.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s why I got a bit extra freaked out yesterday. I know what it’s like. It’s scary.”

“Yeah, it can be.” You gently pressed your head against his shoulder, effectively causing both of your faces to heat up. 

A few minutes passed by, just you and Grayson listening to the sounds of the ocean and the birds.

“Okay, so tell me.”

You lifted your head up to meet his eyes. “Tell you what?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Anything, everything.”

You furrowed your eyebrows at him in confusion, and he chuckled nervously as he turned his body to face you, one leg folded on the rock, the other dangling over the side.

“You know, where you grew up, what you like to do… anything.” He smiled. “I wanna get to know you.”

You could feel that fuzzy feeling returning to your chest. “Um,” you started, tucking a hair behind your ear. “I’m not really that good at talking about myself. What do you wanna know?”

“Everything.” The look in his eyes was so genuine you were honestly scared of what he was asking.

You giggled nervously, “that’s not really specific, Grayson.”

He laughed. “Okay, how about I ask you questions then? But no matter what you have to answer it.”

“No matter what?”

“Yep.”

“I don’t know…”

“Ok, fine. But I’d really like it if you did tell me.”

You smiled. “Okay, ask me a question and we’ll see if I’ll answer.”

He bit the inside of his cheek as he smiled at you. He couldn’t get enough of you.

“Okay, um…” he rubbed his hands together as he thought. “Where'd you grow up?”

“New York.”

He waited for you to elaborate, but huffed when you didn’t. “Very specific.”

You giggled. “Sorry. Alright, um…” You turned your body so you were facing directly him. “I was born in Buffalo, and it was the only place I ever lived before coming to California. My family actually used to live in Toronto.”

“You’re Canadian?” He said a bit incredulously.

You scoffed. “Don’t act all offended.”

His face reddened. “No I wasn’t-”

You laughed. “I’m kidding. I’m not, but my parents and my sister are since they’re citizens. My sister was born in Canada, but my parents moved to Buffalo when she was around three for my mom’s work. Apparently my dad wasn’t too optimistic about the move, but…” You shrugged. “It happened. And then a while later I arrived, and we didn’t move since then. I’ve actually lived in the same house my whole life until Angela and I moved here.”

“Really.” Grayson tilted his head slightly, his eyes wandering your face. 

“What?”

“Nothing, just, seems like someone liked that wouldn’t just up and decide to move all the way across the country.”

You rolled your eyes. “Right, it’s not like you and Ethan didn’t move to LA when you were fourteen either.”

He chuckled. “Okay, fine. I’m assuming your parents are staying here with you and your sister...” 

You snorted. “Please. That is the last thing either of us would want.”

He furrowed his eyebrows at you. “And why’s that?”

You licked your lips. “No reason.”

“Y/N…”

“What? You know, two sisters, leaving for the City of Angels, who would want their parents here to spoil all the fun?” You chuckled awkwardly.

He raised an eyebrow at you now, and you knew he was calling your bluff.

You sighed, leaning back on your hand. “Okay, my parents aren’t really the best people.” You rubbed your arm gently, breathing out as you look out over the water.

A tingle went up your arm and down your back when you felt Grayson’s hand gently rest on yours. Your eyes went to his, and you saw that they were soft now. Understanding.

“You really don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

You shook your head. “No, it’s okay. I want to.” You breathed out again. “My parents are really conservative types, and we don’t really agree on most things.” Grayson nodded as you spoke. “And it’s never really been a big deal for the most part, since I’d just avoid talking to them, but…” 

You coughed. “Okay, so my sister has always wanted to be a chef or a baker or just something in the culinary industry.”

“Oh right I hear Cam saying something about her having to deliver a cake or something the other day.” His thumb was gently rubbing the back of your hand now. It seemed like he didn’t notice, since all his attention was focused on you, but for you, it was all you could think about.

“Y-yea. Well, originally, there wasn’t any plan of her ever getting into that sort of career.”

“Oh?”

“My parents wanted her to become a lawyer, like my dad. Sure, she wasn’t the hugest fan of it, but she was fine with doing what she loved in her spare time, so she was okay with majoring in Law.”

“So what was the problem?”

You sighed. “Well, Angela’s gay.”

Grayson’s eyes widened a bit. “Oh.” 

“I’m only telling you because she’s really open about it and you’d probably figure it out as soon as you met her anyways.” The wind kept blowing hair into your face, but Grayson brought a hand up to help brush it behind your ear. 

“...And because I trust you.”

His hand froze by your ear when he heard those words, and he tried to suppress the giddy smile that was very obviously growing on his face. You couldn’t help but return it, rolling your eyes as his hand fell away into his lap.

“I’m happy to hear that.” You nodded. “So… what happened?”

“Right well… Angie decided that she was going to come out to Mom and Dad. I told her it was a bad idea; not because of like- I mean it’s because it’s our parents. I know them and I knew how they would react, but she didn’t want to believe it. She, for some reason, was very believing that they would be supportive.”

“...But they weren’t.”

“Nope. I’ve really tried to block out the memory of that conversation; I told her that if she was going to tell them that I would at least have to be there. But it wasn’t great.” You bit your tongue gently. “They said that they wouldn’t have something so disgraceful living under their roof. They basically kicked her out of the house.”

“You don’t mean they literally-”

“Well in my opinion it would’ve been less embarrassing if they did. My mom actually slapped her across the face, and my dad has already gone downstairs to go get her a suitcase to pack her things.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I really wish I was.” Your voice had gotten softer now since you were trying to make sure it wouldn’t tremble when you spoke. “My mom then went off on some random tangent about how Angela was terrible and never even cared about her studies in the first place and it was probably because she was off somewhere tarnishing her name and- and when my dad got back he threw the suitcase at her and yelled at her to take all of her garbage with her.” Tears begin to prickle in your eyes. “That they didn’t want anything that would remind them of her.” 

“That’s so awful.” Grayson’s face looked pale, like someone had come and drained all the colour from his face. He was horrified that someone could ever do such a terrible thing to their own child.

“Yea.” You sniffled, bringing a hand up to rub your eyes. “And then I started yelling… I don’t even remember what I said, I was so mad.” The hatred you had for your parents was beginning to bubble up inside your chest again, after you had suppressed it for so long. “And before I knew it I was going to get my own suitcase too.”

Grayson’s mouth opened a bit. “That’s why you left?”

You laughed dryly, but there wasn’t any humour in it. “I wasn’t going to live in a house that didn’t love my sister for who she was. And I definitely wasn’t going to let her leave on her own. She’s too good for that.” Hot tears were now streaming down your face. 

“Y/N..” Grayson’s hand came up wipe the tears from your cheeks. 

You chuckled. “I’m sorry. You’ve known me for what, two days and you’ve already seen me cry twice.”

“Nope, try again.”

Your nose scrunched up. “Wha-” But then you realized you’d apologized to him. Again.

“Right, um…” You sniffled again. “Thank you for listening and… for caring.”

He smiled. “I’m always here.” You were going to bring your hands up to rub your eyes, but you finally realized that your hand and Graysons were now intertwined, gently resting on the surface of the rock. Grayson’s eyes followed yours, and the colour returned to both of your faces when you realized what you had both subconsciously done.

He chuckled. “So, um,” He rubbed the back of his neck. “So you guys just decided to come to LA after that?”

“Well, kind of, yea. After we got kicked out, we didn’t really have anywhere to go. Luckily Angela had some cash so we were able to stay at a hotel that night. We got to talking and she ended up just being like, fuck it, there’s no reason to keep doing Law since the only reason she was doing it was for our parents. And she knew that I’ve always wanted to go to Caltech, so…” You shrugged. “Here we are.”

Grayson shook his head, laughing.

You giggled. “What?”

“Nothing, I just..” He shrugged, laughing more. “I never knew.”

“Well yea, how could you?” He looked at you, the familiar softness in his eyes. “I mean, you just met me.” 

Your eyes widened when you realized that. “Wow, you’ve just met me, and I’ve told you more personal stuff than I think I’ve ever told anyone.”

“I guess I’m just lucky then.”

You giggled.

“So,” He said, looking out towards the sky. “Graduating soon. Excited?”

“Very.” 

“I bet that’s gonna be a fun day. But…” He turned his head towards you. “I guess your parents aren’t coming, are they.”

You shook your head. “I don’t think I’ve talked to them since last summer, so considering they didn’t get an invite… yea. Probably not.”

“Well, at least you’ll be able to spend that day with your sister.”

“Yea, well, no.”

“No?”

You sighed. “Angela booked a really big catering job for that day months in advance.”

Grayson’s eyes widened. “Are you serious? Did she not know?”

“She didn’t until I told her. She told me that she would cancel the job, but I told her not to. It’s a really good one and I know she’ll make a lot from it.”

Grayson’s jaw really did drop this time. “I can’t believe you.”

“What?” 

“It’s your graduation! You’re serious just going to be there by yourself?”

You shrugged. “She’s the only one I’d even want there. But the job is important. Besides, it’s not like I’ll be totally alone. All my friends will be there.”

“Yea, with their families.”

“Can you not ruin this for me?”

Grayson chuckled. “Okay, my bad. It is a really nice thing you’re doing, though.”

You rubbed your arm. “I’m not that much of a saint. She said we’d go out for ice cream when she gets home that day.”

Grayson laughed, and you smiled, letting go of his hand for a moment, emitting a soft sound from him in protest, but you just as quickly scooched over closer to him so your shoulders were touching, then reached for his hand again once more. He graciously took it, interlocking his fingers with yours as you laid your head on his shoulder. 

“Grayson?”

“Yea?”

“Thank you. For today.” He laid his head down on top of yours, and you smiled against his shoulder. 

“It was my pleasure.” He turned his head slightly to press a kiss to your head, then rested it back again. 

You inhaled the vanilla scent of Grayson mixed with the lazy water now sloshing below the two of you. The calmness washing over you was the best feeling. This was the most relaxed you had been in a long time.

Suddenly your phone vibrated in your pocket. You took it out to see that it was a text from your sister, asking where you were.

“Ugh.”  You sat up, shoving your phone back in your pocket, but making sure not to let go of Grayson’s hand.

“What is it?” His hair that had fallen into his face seemed to make him look even more gorgeous than usual.

“It’s Angela.”

“Shit, didn’t realize how long we’d been here, sorry-” 

You brought your other hand up to his face, pressing your index finger to his lips. “Hey, this is a two-way street. I shouldn’t be hearing any apologies either.”

He smiled against your finger, only nodding in response. You grinned, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek when you let your hand fall away.

“Okay, let’s go.” As Graysons stood, he gently pulled you up. The way down seemed even more precarious from the top, but Grayson made sure not to let go of the strong hold he had on your hand the entire way down. 

After you’d made your way down, you were ready to let go of his palm, but his grip only tightened when yours loosened, letting you know that he didn’t plan on letting go. You smiled to yourself as you both walked back towards the car, swinging your arms between each other.

…

“Y/N. We’re here.” 

You gently cracked your eyes open to see that you guys were parked outside your apartment building. Hastily going to wipe any drool off your face, you bent down to retrieve your bag from your feet.

“Sorry didn’t mean to fall aslee- “ You shook your head. “Thank you. For dropping me off.”

“I’m just glad I got to spend time with you today.” The look in his eye was so genuine, so gentle and sweet and loving all at once. You couldn’t get enough of those baby browns.

“Yeah. me too.” Your eyes darted down when you saw Grayson lick his lips. Unknowingly to you, he’d been darting his eyes back over to your sleeping face throughout the car ride, absolutely in love with your blissful, beautiful expression.

He leaned down closer to you, not too close to insinuate anything but close enough for you to know that he was wanting.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered in his gravelly voice, eyeing your soft lips.

You nodded, a small smile on your face as he leaned down, connecting his lips with yours.

The kiss was soft, knowing but cautious. It felt like the first kiss you both had shared, but this time the euphoric feeling felt more like a constant warmth throughout your entire body; it was familiar, no longer scary. You knew this, and you wanted this. He wasn’t a stranger anymore. 

You leaned in further, pressing your lips a bit firmer to his, knowing that he wouldn’t go any further without knowing you were okay. Your hands came up to find the neckline of his t-shirt, gently playing with it in your fingers as his hands floated towards your cheeks to cup your face. 

The feeling he gave you was unmatched to anything else you’d ever felt. But there was still something lurking in the back of your mind. Something shouting and screaming and yelling that you’re going to embarrass your self. You’re going to get hurt. You’re going to make a fool of yourself. Yelling at you to run, to hide, to get out-

You suddenly pulled away from Grayson, lowering your head gently.

“Y/N?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I-”

“I really mean it this time though. I am.” You looked up at him to see his worried and confused expression.

“Did I do something wrong?” He asked, leaning away from you.

“No.. I just.” You put your head in your hands. “I’m scared, Gray.”

“Scared? Of what?”

“I don’t know, this. All of this.” 

He didn’t seem to understand.

You took on of his hands and held it in both of yours firmly. “Grayson, what happened yesterday, I-”

“We don’t have to do any of that stuff, I promise-”

“No that’s not it.” You exhaled. “It’s just- this is all so, so different and new and it’s exciting but- I don’t know if I can trust myself, Gray.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, what if I get a random panic attack again like yesterday? I don’t want to be fearing that all the time. I don’t want to have that thing in my head constantly warning me. Or to always be waiting for something to go wrong. It’s so scary.”

“But-”

“And there’s just so much going on; with school, and my sister, and god if Cameron found out-”

“You wouldn’t have to deal with her. I’d take care of it.”

“Gray.”

He stared at you with such an intense look, with so much longing and desire. 

What were you supposed to do? Of course you wanted him. You wanted him so badly, it was insane how much you did. But it was absolutely crazy to you. You’ve known him for two days. You didn’t know how these things worked. 

  And a part of you still didn’t believe it was true. That this boy sitting in front of you actually liked something about you, much less liked you as much as you liked him.You didn’t trust it. It didn’t make sense to you. How could it be possible? He was Grayson. You were you. 

 And the voice in your head kept telling you that there was no way this would work. You were so convinced that he would find something about you, or your life, or literally anything, and that would be it. He’d realize he was wrong. He’d realize that you weren’t what he wanted. Or he’d realize you were never what he wanted in the first place. Or worst of all; he wouldn’t find anything. One day he’d just realize that he didn’t want you anymore. He was done with you. It was also some illusion. He would leave. And you would lose him.

You couldn’t go through that again.

Grayson sighed, now taking your hands and holding them in his. “Yeah. okay.”

“I really am sorry.”

He shook his head. “Try again.”

“Grayson, I am.”

“Nope.”

“I-”

“Nooope.”

You both cracked a smile.

“Fine. Thank you for being so understanding.”

He brought your hands up to his lips and kissed your knuckles. “As long as we still get to hang out, I’m okay.”

You grinned. “I’m down for that.”

Your phone buzzed in your pocket again, and you checked to see it was another text from Angela. 

“Shit okay, I really should go.” You slung your backpack over your shoulder, and opened the door. Before you stepped out, you looked over at Grayson, who’s eyes were still following you. You bit your lip, then quickly bent forward to press a kiss to his cheek. 

You were only so strong.

He grinned as you scurried out of the car, shutting the door and waving to him as you ran into your apartment building.

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tags: @5secondsofcnco​ @yourkidsfavbabysitter​ @melodiesforari​ @coxxkaty​ @pumpkiinpasties​ @graysavant​ @joyrivh​

[littlebeigepill-blog]

Because this is a more vulnerable post, I’m going to institute a policy regarding this blog:

You are allowed to read these very sensitive thoughts, but unless you are a person who I already discuss my mental health with, I will not begin discussing it with you now. I assure you I am doing fine. This blog is not an invitation to start worrying about me or intruding into parts of my mind that tend to be more private. 

So. I have been on antidepressants for about 2 months now. This is the point at which I’m truly supposed to be noticing the effects.

I have been feeling good and motivated and only occasionally depressive. I even started doing dishes on a regular basis, and that’s the one chore I could never motivate myself to do. I cooked lunches for myself this week, and I’m reaching out to people instead of sitting at home alone all the time. My stomach has started settling, but still gets feisty at times. My appetite is almost back to normal? I don’t know if I’ve ever had a great appetite, but this feels healthier (but today I’ve only had a single bite of muffin and its already 3 sooooo). 

This past week was crazy at work and so I had a 3 day weekend in anticipation of the boyfriend leaving for tour. Saturday he left and now I’m living alone with the cats. Since Saturday, I’ve been far less consistent with my pills (partly because I let myself sleep in late). 

Now I believe you have all the context to accompany me on the anxiety fueled freakout that I’m about to share.

I’ve been feeling slightly more depressive recently. Yesterday I called off of work because of it, and today I left early because I had forgotten my pill. Last week I was tired, and so I attributed my crankiness to that, but now I’m starting to wonder if I’ve messed up my mental health by being inconsistent. What if it affects my work? I’ve already used a sick day for my brains recently, and I have a lot of stuff I have to get done this week. What if this is the sign everyone needed to discount me as incapable and take away the promotion I may be getting? Am I sharing too much about my mental health at work? Really only my direct supervisor knows anything for sure (as confirmed by me) but if I get this job should I tell my new supervisor about starting new drugs? I’m sure he suspects something already, but I don’t know if he’s narrowed it down to anxiety/depression or if he just thinks I’m really, really detail oriented. 

Do I need to start looking at taking a new medication or will getting back on schedule make this all okay? What if I’m just freaking out and depressive because my main support/roommate/lover is gone? How do you answer those questions?

I know that generally I’m fine; that I’m no risk to myself or others, and so I can ride this out on my own. Anxiety makes knowing those things irrelevant because I have to run through every single option that ends poorly, and none of the options that end well sound genuine. 

It also doesn’t help that most healthcare professionals don’t know much about mental health, so the first nurse I called to get some advice knew less about what drug I was taking than I do. Fortunately I called a second facility, which specializes in mental health, and the nurse there told me I probably need a higher dose.

It is amazingly frustrating to feel like I was finally making progress and to now start backsliding. I know what “normal” feels like now, so when I start feeling like the drugs aren’t working as well a fear sets in. I want to live my life not hating myself or feeling like it would be easier to not be here. I just got a window and the grass really is greener on the other side.

If you are one of the people who answers the phone for me when I’m having an anxiety attack: Thank you. I will never be able to say how much you mean to me and the support you provide in the face of my irrational fear is invaluable.

If you want to know how to talk someone down from an anxiety attack, you can check out this link: https://medium.com/@gtinari/how-to-handle-someone-elses-anxiety-or-panic-attacks-51ee63f5c23b#.3rwjunswz.