#gahhhhhh somebody give me the thing

[tumblunni]

Man i cant stop thinking about that ‘tappy talk’ app post now... I know I’m able to talk but still I feel like using something like that would be incredibly helpful to me. I dunno if this is common to all autistic people but I kinda think in pictures and have to like.. translate my thoughts into english before I write them down? Its why i have a lot of trouble being coherant when I speak out loud as opposed to writing, its hard to mentally edit stuff without like... pausing for ages and getting stressed out that everyone thinks you’re dumb. And man like I dont even get the idea of an ‘inner voice’, the only ‘inner voice’ I have is how I sorta read my own dialogue out loud in my head to try and understand what i just said and convert it back to proper thoughts, to make sure I ‘translated’ correctly. I dont hear my own voice in my head unless I’m actually speaking or writing to somebody else. And god its just SO HARD sometimes to remember what the words are for a concept, or untangle a big abstract picture or emotion or sound or smell into a word that can explain it... But the problem is really that if I actually tried communicating with pictures then it’d be intuitive to *ME* but I dont think anyone else would understand it! It’d be like a code they’d have to puzzle out, and I guess at least they’d understand how english looks to me, lol. God, the idea of learning a second language is so impossible when ive spent my entire life ravenously reading and writing 90% of every day forever and I STILL stumble over speaking english! And dont even get me started on SPELLING and READING CURSIVE, gahhhhhh! I think maybe its even why I get attatched to characters that talk uniquely in videogames or books, cos i spend more time decoding their english and thus i focus more on them than the others? And pulling off a joke that relies on uncommon grammar rules is like MAGIC to me, I laugh SO MUCH when I finally get it, even if its something ridiculously minor like an egotistical character trying to hide their greedy plots through silly euphemisms. or, at least, thats the best excuse I have for why evil characters talking uniquely is even better? maybe just cos evil characters are more likely to have smart sassy jokes. And its SO FUN to try and write fanfics for them cos I have an excuse to practise learning to write in that unique speech style, which helps me figure out the rules and learn stuff that can improve my comprehension of regular english too! And GAHHH this is also why I love drawing but why its so easy for me to get demotivated and unconfident with drawing. I have very vivid pictures in my head of what I want to make, and then i get way too worked up when i lack the skill to recreate it on paper. And I suck at putting it in words so I can find reference images or tutorials. And it especially sucks when im trying to express an emotion that I cant express in words, cos i also suck at reading people’s faces thus i suck at DRAWING them! But maybe thats encouragement to be more creative, cos I like to find ways to express emotion through metaphor and actions rather than faces. Maybe its why i ended up gravitating towards games instead of comics? You can express so much through animation or through the choices you give a player! its a way to make someone get inside my head and finally hear the stuff I suck at saying!! also im sorry i always make super long posts, i think this is part of it too I suck at explaining what im trying to say, and i overcompensate by overexplaining, and my grasp of writing is bad so i cant tell when ive said the same thing twice with synonyms or if my grammar is hard to read GAHHHH basically i am just SORRY and also the guy who made that app is amazing and i hope it helps a lot of kids live happier lives and i think it could be very useful for people with anxiety problems or other cognitive difficulties even if they arent completely nonverbal it might be cool if it could expand into a full series of different variations geared towards different disabilities, maybe with some sort of customizeable functions to help crowdsource suggestions to add to the dictionary? (or just to customize it because not all pictures are universally understood the same in all cultures) MANNNN it makes me think so much about how powerful games can be in helping people with disabilities!! so many stuff on my dashboard all about this!! im so proud of indie developers using their power for good and just seriously i wish i could try this app, cos just seeing how it translates pictures to words might be able to help me learn better at some of the pitfalls i still have in grasping the english language even after 24 years of speaking it. And man if there was some sort of app that could teach me all the spelling variations that’d be awesome too, there’s a huge gap in my vocab where I can grasp a lot of unusual pronounciations and then it IMMEDIATELY stops as soon as we get to the stuff that wasnt given to us as a game or worksheet in school. and lol i can remember the grammar rules for the extra letters of the welsh alphabet even though i cant speak any more words of welsh and its totally useless in english! You’d think that “dydd is pronounced deeve” would be more difficult than figuring out if its thier or their! (I STILL CANNOT GET THAT RIGHT) (...also when im supposed to put the apostrophe in its) ... ANYWAY SORRY LONG POST