#future i mean im only going to get worse. there is no cure i can never get better. this is my life forever and its only hoing to keep going

[oddvanilla]

kinda pray for monkeypox not becoming a big deal

like our world going NUTS we dont need it too THO very often i think about how everythinh that happens is part of future's history and it makes me kinda less paranoid because people been thorught worse and it wont be a big deal for anyone

ALSO GOT REALLY OFFENDED BY THE APPLICATION THAT CPVID MADE PEOPLE STRUGGLE WITH ASKING FOR KETCHUP for me it qasnt covid i swear i jusy became insane and now try to get more like a human

YESSS YOU GET ITTT!!! LIKE I JUST HOPE ITS NOT TRUE. THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANISATION IS ALREADY FINDING CURES TO IT OR SOMETHING LIKE OMG PLS GO BACK TO FINDING A CURE FOR CANCER LIKE MONKEY POX WONT GET THAAAT BAD....right

(upcoming yap session put Ur seat belts on)

I often think about how back then it was way worse. Like ah yes, I'm a Victorian child born into a lower class family and I'm forced to labour all my life living in the streets of London or something. Of course, you don't have food or water or any source of hygiene to begin with. The worst part is..water quality was so bad back then that if you don't have drinking water; people just drink beer instead.

Imagine your 6 year old daughter working her life off mining in a cave with starvation since yesterday and you have to just give her MORE beer to fill her stomach 😭 like oh GOD that's miserable..

and after all that, im surprised the diseases we get now are more "dangerous" than back then. Mind you, people in the 1800s or 1700s had like NO technology to even think of finding a cure. Like damn you didn't even invent a microscope YET. <- I'll educate you a bit about history..the first microscope as a CONCEPT was made by a Dutch man named Zacharias Janssen all the way back in 1590!!! But the first MODERN microscope that we know nowadays with all the different lenses and even coloured was in 1774. That's like almost 2 centuries later...and incase you haven't focused in your 7th grade science class, the first atomic theory was in 1804. If you understand where I'm going with this, we humans are slow as HELLL.

I'm mentioning all of this saying dude...you're telling me people back then had some deadly diseases, couldn't cure it, DIED on streets, and didnt even GET quarantine.

LIKE NO OLIVIA YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A WIFE IN THE 1800s. NOT ONLY WILL YOU GET YOUR RIGHTS TAKEN AWAY BUT YOURE ALSO GONNA GET BORN, MARRIED AT 7 YEARS OLD TO THE PRINCE OF FRANCE, GET A DEADLY VIRUS AND DIE BY 12. MUST BE SOO NICE TO BE A WIFE IN THE 1800s CAUSE YOURE BORN IN THE WRONG GENERATION...right?? ❤️

Talking about generation...which I bet everyone is sick of me talking about..but like dude would our generation survive if we just got a time machine to the 17th century. Although I dont believe in the evolution theory because we are NOT monkeys but I believe over time humans learn new skills, which changes their life styles therefore their bodies change too because every creature adapts. Cool!!

You ever see those articles about how nowadays we stay on our phone all day and that'll make our bodies lazy and not used to work blah blah blah,, at first I was gonna say if we go back to the time the Spanish flu for example started we would PROBABLY survive because we have better education, better immune systems due to actual healthcare and we could definitely survive with just common sense. Like wtf?? I'm NOT going to visit by rat filled basement bare foot..

HOWEVER compare the average human who sits on bed all day scrolling and laughing at a glowy rectangular shaped decide called a phone...we would not last a day without internet...at least I know I wouldn't 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

So like...think about it. Why is corona so dangerous?? It's only borderline to older diseases. Or maybe it's the other way around. Corona itself is DEADLY, but it's just the situation and life style we have today that makes me wonder why it's harmless. Like cough cough I got covid oh no!!! I can just stay in my home all day.. like you get what I mean?? I'm sure you would just get back to work if you were unfortunately lower class victorian child and had covid..and dying probably gives you more peace than working a lifetime for 10 cents..

So that's it!!! Silly lil rant about Victorian children, diseases, Humans Adapting, science and history, and of course generations. MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT!!!

[esoteriamaya]

Depressive Episodes : Owning up to my emotions and allowing the waves of depression to push me through my toughest battles.

One thing about me, is that I never give up.

Im resilient, even when I don't believe it.

I've never allowed myself to fail, even when at times I knew I was falling. Its just... not in me to let go. I just gotta breathe, man. I can't see myself allowing the world to dig me into my own grave.

But that doesn't mean I havent thought about it.

Sometimes when I can't see the future, I go crazy and can't stop myself from having a manic depressive episode.

Other times, I can see the future, or the idea of it, and still go into a manic episode. So of course.. it doesn't matter when, what or where, when that wave of depression hits.. it starts to get me down to one of those spiraling series waiting to be channeled into something else.

So far, I've learned to creative outlets for my depression. Being honest, and escaping into worlds of creativity like painting, drawing, poetry.. Im still learning how to paint my emotions and make it seem more meaningful. But hey, anything to cure the depressive thoughts. I can't live like this anymore.

But the thing is, depression comes through waves and tries to leave its mark on society due to a painful reality we seem to suppress within. We can't lie to ourselves anymore, things are getting worse, and it seems as if it has no plans on getting better.

Or so they say...

I have a feeling that depression in our society has a LOT to do with our needs not being met, but ALSO because theres something negging at us to be seen. And its love.

We live in a cold reality, where most people pretend to be in their ego but not in their hearts. The warmth we are needing is in community, but there hasnt been too many spaces for community to fondle in. Depression sticks due to some of the food we eat, the shows and news we digest, the constant negativity that is plastered in front of us day in and day out. You know.. this can tire out a lost soul, and distract you from the primary mission. So to say that depression can be easy to fix, isn't the most practical way of thinking, at least not on my end.

Its taken me 5 years to really get to the nitty & gritty of depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, fear.. etc... and I've come to the conclusion that this thing can be generational as well as something going on in the psyche and needs further analyzation in other to appreciate the whys and the why nots of depression so you can heal it clearer. In most cases, depression can find healing through the arts, but what if thats not your niche? What if theres something more you must succumb to and haven't figured it out?

One of the things I've learned is mathematics. Boy I hated math as a kid cause I 'sucked' and I kept failing, however as I've made it to adulthood, I realize I DO love math, just not the way it was taught. Over time, I've made time to study math and all its different layers, its like a universal code. It helped me remember some parts of my childhood that made it easier to appreciate it. I say this because it's been one thing that's lifted me up along side photography. On of the main things that lifted up my energies into higher vibrations and being able to relieve myself of any depressive wave that entered my energy. Anytime I do feel depression sometimes I sit with it, sometimes I go and find purpose.

Because depression is causing you to lack clarity, focus, drive and remembrance of your souls horizon. Your purpose. Your mission. What reason did you decide to come here, love?

So what I want you all to know is that when your feeling depressed, there is something in you that wants to be notified. Yes those emotions are deep and sometimes rather intense but the only way to get out of the mud is if you get to digging and remembering why you even started doing it in the first place. It's so you can get back to you.

So began to say good bye to your depression, your healing era awaits my love. Depression is only a wave of thunderstorms creating a destiny for you to see that rainbows are on the other side of that tired, daunting feeling.

[hopelikethemoon]

Goldilocks (Javier x Reader) {MTMF}

Title: Goldilocks Rating: PG-13 Length: 2000 Warnings: It’s very soft.  Notes: You can find everything about Maybe Today, Maybe Forever here. Set in November 1992, before Used to be Lonely.  Summary: Reader spends the night alone at Javier’s. 

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You could count on one hand the number of times you had spent the night at Javier’s apartment since you started being together. At first, there was some lingering weirdness about that first night — a holdover of emotions, worries, and second guessing that made being there again uncomfortable, even when it wasn’t. 

It got easier the second and third time, but he always ended up at your apartment. Neither of you had put in much of an effort into make your apartments feel homey — but yours always felt like home when he was there. 

And it felt barren when he wasn’t there. 

He had been gone on an assignment several hours south of the city and you missed him. You hated that you missed him. You hated how easily he’d become someone you didn’t want to go to bed without. 

You tried to keep that emotional wall up. To keep yourself focused on the reality of relying on someone who could up and decide to leave you tomorrow. But your heart wasn’t as easily convinced. 

It had only been one night (and a day in the office) without him and it was starting to get under your skin. You chalked it up to hormones — which seemed to be getting to you more and more. But that didn’t change the fact that you missed him. 

Javier was a creature of habit. Four years ago he’d told you where he kept his spare apartment key in his desk. Luckily he hadn’t moved it. 

Second drawer on the left, inside the empty stapler at the back. 

You knew where it was in case there was ever an emergency. 

And you figured being lonely, pregnant, and hormonal was a good enough reason to commit a little casual B&E. You knew he wouldn’t care. It wasn’t like he didn’t have a key to your place. 

It felt weird to be in his apartment without him, but you made yourself at home. 

Unsurprisingly, his fridge was bare — save for beer and a jug of milk to go with the box of cereal in his cupboard. 

“I’ll stop at the store tomorrow and get us something better,” You remarked as you ran your hand over your stomach. “Cereal will have to do tonight.” 

You grabbed a bowl and filled it with cereal and milk before making yourself comfortable on the sofa. 

Yours was far more comfortable than his lumpy leather monstrosity. You tried not to think about the things that happened on it — before you happened on it. 

“One day,” You started, talking to your stomach as you scooped up a mouthful of cereal. “I’ll have to decide if you were made in a bar bathroom or on your father’s horrendous sex sofa.” You shook your head. “I could also go with the story that you just sprouted up one day.”

You glanced at your wristwatch and frowned. You wondered what he was doing. Was he safe? Was he exhausted? Was he as lonely as you were?

Did he miss you? He always acted like he missed you every time he came back from being on assignment. But who could really know? 

You could only hope. 

“I never wanted this,” You said as you ghosted your hand over your swollen belly. “Motherhood never felt like the right path for me. I still don’t know if it is.” You tilted the cereal bowl and drank some of the milk, before leaning forward to sit the bowl on the coffee table. “After everything I went through I couldn’t… I didn’t want to repeat my own childhood. But I knew I had to do right by you.”

You sank back against the sofa, playing with the hem of Javier’s shirt that you’d changed into. 

“Your father means the world to me and I hope… I really hope he’s going to stick around. I know what a broken home feels like and… I don’t want that for you, kid.”

It was stupid — how badly you wanted what your brother had. Minus the white collar vibe. But how the hell were you supposed to end up there? 

What was the real longevity for you and Javier? Not the one you wanted to believe in. The real one. The one that recognized that he wasn’t a settle down type — no matter how much he seemed like he could be. 

Then novelty would wear off sooner, rather than later. And then you’d be left to do this thing on your own. You could do it. 

You just didn’t want to. 

Which was fairly apparent considering you’d gone to his place, stolen a shirt, and were sitting on his sofa eating his cereal. 

But at the same time, you didn’t want to be one of those people. You didn’t want to try to keep yourself in a situation if you weren’t wanted. If he showed any signs of being over it — you weren’t sticking around. 

If worse came to worst — you could go back to Atlanta. You’d be stuck at a desk again, but at least you’d be employed. There was no way in hell you could stay in Colombia. 

You’d have to work out the particulars of letting Javier see his daughter. You didn’t want her to grow up without him completely. Even if it was easier on you. 

“I’m so tired of hormones,” You complained as you rubbed at your eyes, trying to keep tears from falling. 

You scooted to the edge of the sofa, before standing back up and walking back into the kitchen to rinse out your cereal bowl. 

With any luck, Javier would be back in the morning. Though, with the turn in the weather there was also a chance that he’d be gone until Monday. Which sucked. 

It wasn’t fair to miss someone as much as you did. Especially when he was only halfway yours. The DEA had their claws in him and they knew how to exploit his skills. 

And it had always been that way. It was just different now that you’d been relegated to desk duty for the foreseeable future. 

Javier’s bed smelt like him and the faint scent of cigarette smoke. Which was also him. You never thought you’d become someone who buried their face in someone’s pillow, but you caught yourself doing it nevertheless. 

It wasn’t quite the same as sleeping beside him. There was no arm around you, no fingers fanned out over your belly, no leg to warm your cold feet on. 

Things would’ve been different if you’d stayed. If you’d given into all the emotion Javier had poured out that night. But you still didn’t trust that his touches meant more. That he wasn’t just scratching a long suffering itch. 

With your luck, he’d find some reason to dip out. You couldn’t even blame him if he did. Life was a shit show and you weren’t going to force him to part of it. 

You hugged your arms around his pillow and pulled it into your chest, inhaling deeply as you tried to convince yourself to sleep. Two more sleeps and then Javier would be home. 

Home. 

 ——

 “I don’t know many nursery rhymes,” Javier murmured as he snaked his arm around your waist and roused you from your sleep. “But I do recall one about a girl who was keen on breaking into houses to try out their beds.” 

You were disoriented at first. The darkness of the bedroom didn’t help you get your bearings — but you knew it wasn’t your apartment. 

“Shit.” You swore, squirming a little in his hold. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s my bed.”

“Yes, but—“

“Storm blew in early.” Javier pressed his face into the crook of your neck, “You’ve stolen my pillow and my bed.”

“Your shirt too.” You admitted, grinning to yourself. “I feel like I should be embarrassed.” 

Javier chuckled, “Don’t be, baby.” He ran his hand over your stomach. “It was a nice surprise.”

You covered your face with your hands and groaned dramatically. “If I’d known you were coming back tonight—“

He pulled you back against his chest. “It was a nice surprise.” He repeated, kissing your neck. “I was in a bad fucking mood and…” He clicked his tongue against his teeth. “I saw your bag sitting on the floor by the sofa.” 

You squeezed the back of his hand on your stomach, “I was lonely and my pregnancy brain told me your bed would cure it.”

“Did it?”

You hummed, “I ended up wishing that you were here too. Looks like it worked.” 

He chuckled against your neck as he kissed you again, “I debated swinging by your place, but I’m too fucking tired.”

“I guess we lucked out.”

Javier tapped his thumb against your stomach, “I know I did.” 

You rolled onto your back, before turning to face him. “I thought you’d be mad about me breaking in.” 

“And you did it anyways?” Javier snorted, giving your hip a squeeze as he pulled you towards him again. 

“Never come between a pregnant woman and what she wants.” You whispered, winding your fingers through his hair as you leaned in to kiss him. You misjudged the angle and got a mouth full of mustache. 

Javier laughed, a warm sort of laugh that made all of you tingle. “Did you miss my mustache too?”

“Always.” You grinned as he closed the distance and kissed you. 

“You’re always welcome here, baby.” Javier told you, brushing his lips against yours as he spoke. “Even if I’m not here.”

“Good.” You played with the hair at his temple. 

“Gives me something to think about when I’m stuck in a car for ten hours.”

You laughed, “Hopefully you keep those thoughts tame.” You teased, trailing your fingers down his neck. 

“They vary.” He retorted, brushing his nose against yours, before he tilted his head to kiss you again. 

“Aside from the storm,” You started as Javier pressed kisses along your jaw. “How’d it go?”

He sighed against your neck, “We got eyes on the target. Total wash in the end. No confirmation of illegal activity. If the storm hadn’t blown in — we would’ve had him.”

“Shit.” You bit down on your bottom lip and shook your head. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” He mumbled, trailing open mouthed kisses down your throat. “How are you?” He questioned, running his hand up and down your side. “How’s our little one?”

You slid your fingers into his hair and tugged lightly. “Still a little asleep. Earlier was rough — hormones, emotions, all of that bullshit. But we’re both good.” 

“Good.” He squeezed your hip. “Fuck, I’m tired baby.”

“I bet you are.” You whispered, toying with his hair. “Luckily you’re in bed, which is where sleep happens.” 

Javier snorted, “Smartass.”

“I’ve been told that a few times.” You laughed softly, laying on your back and reaching for the pillow you’d stolen. “Here.”

“Thanks.” He mumbled as he stifled a yawn. Javier shook his pillow out before tucking it under his head and readjusting beside you. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad I’m here too.” You told him as he ran his hand down your arm and took ahold of your hand and interlaced your fingers. “But you should sleep.”

He missed you too. There was no way around that. No way to convince yourself that it was all for show. It wasn’t just in your head. 

[transhoverfish]

I had this question in my mind for few days now but.. how many AUs have you made up for both Subnautica games?

I'm really curious because I started writing down all the ones that ever came on my mind (I have twelve now) - I wrote them into a Word document and some even have a description

I mean like the medieval, college.. any kind of au

hmmm actually i don't have that many? wait no nevermind. i just counted there's at least 8 counting survivors KABDKABFOHA

ANYWAYS here's a brief rundown of all my aus! once again long post so its under a read more. because by brief i mean at least a paragraph per au because im bad at being brief.

survivors

so this is the au im currently writing for! degasi lives, avery lives, various aurora crew live and they save the planet from the kharra a few times and raise some sea emp babies. big found family and some literal just family. some murder on the side too but that's not important found family only. probably the only one of this list that's ever to be properly written and finished.

melon and the coconut + dreamland

avery/bart centrenic au, partly based on an alteration of survivors where only they live. bart lives in his own fantasy of different outcomes to events, dreaming of something else. avery grows distant and bitter with bart's unwillingness to accept what's happened, and starts to blame him for everything. eventually the two drift apart so much that they barely interact, and avery leaves bart's base to build his own. bart never goes after him, and avery never purposely looks for him again. i got obsessed with glass animals + specifically these two songs so i daydreamed an au up. saddest out of all these i think :(

keen au

its keen sole survivor au babey!! according to 🌟realism🌟 most ppl don't live if they pass out for longer than like an hour (that does not include sitting in a small area w a fire and smoke for 3+ hours) so ryley uhhh Dies. keen doesn't go back to the aurora w/ yu and ends up being the only survivor. bc im a sucker for bart lives that might be a thing, perhaps not, it depends on my mood half way through.

ghost au

main plot of game with only on the crater, but everyone else is a ghost now and haunt ryley. ghosts can see ryley, ryley can see ghosts, ghosts cannot see each other, although they can occasionally hear each other if the people in question were close before they died. mostly just subnautica but ryley befriends dead people.

horror au

survivors but like….. mutations with WAY WORSE consequences and all the effects of the kharra that i forgot about. did you know the kharra causes aggression? because i did not. its mentioned in like 1 log and i totally forgot. living in complete isolation for 10 years and believing everyone you know is dead, and blaming yourself for the future deaths u know are coming? being able to hear a goddamn mile around you at all times while still having mostly the same normal human eardrums? being able to stop yours and others hearts AT ANY TIME WITH NO CONTROL OVER THIS AT ALL?

these powers fuck them up a lot more in this variation. also ocean scary. but mostly mutations and kharra and everything messes up everything for everyone.

paul fucking dies au

everything's the same up until the landslide at the first island base, where the degasi were inside when that giant boulder crashed into it. bart and marg escape but paul dies. whoops! never thought too hard about this one but marg probably makes all decisions, they explore further, maybe meet sea mama?? and stop the aurora + sunbeam from crashing?? hmmmm. but yeah just paul dies faster.

degasi in arctic au

the entire degasi ends up floating out to sector zero and marg is not alone! bart adopts preston. that is literally all i've thought about in this au, the base premise of it and bart adopts a dog.

evil bart au

bart….. but no longer Baby. bart is now Feral and Rabid. kind of a bad title bc hes not like, intentionally evil, but he makes some fucked up decisions and ppl die. basically the very original plot of survivors where bart gets obsessed with finding sea mama and curing the planet that Nothing Will Stop Him. destroys precursor stuff to stop the others from interacting w it and finding out anything, specifically lets micah and beatrix die bc they spoke out about him too much, probably lets danby die instead of helping him, probably partly responsible for paul's death similar to the very first degasi logs. havent thought about it in a long while so i dont remember much about it other than bart was evil. not rlly an au as opposed to a strange character choice for him that i ended up not liking, so prob the only one on here ill def never write out but hey figured id list it anyways

and i think that's all?? all of the ones i could remember or bothered to write down at least lol. got me a big list!!! :o

[dracwife]

it's 4am and im yearning don't look at me ,, i get sappy sometimes ok

If you were to ask Fenryr Theyj'a what his favorite part of Io was, well he'd likely be obligated to respond that it was one Asher Mir, considering the nature of their relationship. If you were to ask him his second favorite part of Io was, he'd likely look rather longingly towards the horizon, and express his sadness that the planet's beauty had been taken so forcefully by the constant warring as of late. His third, of course, would be the springs that dotted said landscape, and the relaxation and comfort that he'd come to associate with them.

Oh how he longed to be there now. Io had, after everything, become his new home. It was a rare occurrence - Guardians finding something akin to domesticity. It was a sense of belonging, and left Fenryr wondering so little of his past life that he almost forgot about it entirely and looked forward only to the future he was building to now.

He had been gone far too long, and had only a vague notion of when he'd be back. While he loved the company of his Ghost, it hardly compared in both nature and scale to being in the mere presence of Asher's personality.

In short, Fenryr missed him dearly. And he could only assume Asher felt the same, judging by the rather long, rambling transmission he was receiving at that moment. While he duly enjoyed hearing the Fragmented Researcher's rather grating, whiny voice (which, Fenryr reasoned with himself that he was certainly allowed to think because he loved Asher so excessively in either case) it would likely distract him from his mission and cause him yet another wave of sadness and yearning - he could only imagine Asher's disgusted groan at the phrase, sarcastically commenting on "How...endearing" the thought was - that he felt he did not need at that moment. He opted for a transcription instead. He found himself reading it bit by bit as he punched in the coordinates for Nessus, realizing just how far it was from Io. Apparently Asher had caught wind of the mission as well, likely from Ikora Rey after much nagging, as Fenryr began reading less of Asher's scientific ramblings that he tried so hard to at least pretend to understand and more of Asher's complaints about being alone on the Vex-infested planet they now called home, and just how far it was from the occupancy of the Exodus Black.

And I hear they have you across the galaxy again. I think I shall speak with the Vanguard about how frequently I find myself alone here, without your company. Though I suppose I shall tell them it is the lack of protection that frustrates me, that seems more a concern of theirs; I assume that subtly adding the fact that the Vex are growing restless here may change their priorities and, I hope, their insistence on dragging you away to some Hive-ridden planet every free moment you have.

The research is slowed without you to help, of course, but going well nonetheless. I can only assume your general lack of understanding of my work means you also understood nearly nothing I may have commented on earlier, but know that I am content with my progress since you've been gone. I'm not sure how much closer I am to the answer, but as of late I can feel myself beginning to believe that any progress, even if it is minor, is worth celebration - a skill that I believe you have taught me for the better…

I don't wish to worry you, but you are the only one I would dream of telling this: I fear I am growing worse with every passing day. I cannot say this for sure, but...My intuition tells me it won't be long before what little control I have left of my arm is completely gone. 

As much disdain as I may hold for the Pity Parties people tend to throw themselves, perhaps this is a point I will bring up with Ikora privately. For my own wellbeing, and to cure this impeccably potent feeling of...Loneliness, I wish to have you here again. 

In addition, I have decided that I shall concede with the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Every day that you are not with me again I find myself growing more distracted in my downtime. Eating alone is no longer time to brainstorm, and lying alone does not help me theorize anymore. Instead, I am feeling rather upset that you are not with me, and find my mind wandering to the many things we could have been doing had you been there. I have had no less than three full hypothetical conversations with myself and the you that isn't here in the past forty-eight hours. I'm not sure if I should classify this new habit of mine as a nuisance, or a sign. I fear what it may say about me if it is the latter. You have changed me for the better, there is no doubt, but…

I'm afraid. My emotions distract from my work. I know this well, and yet I do not seem to care. My work should be my top priority, but alas my mind wanders to your touch, the sound of your voice, the comfort of your heartbeat every waking moment. I'm unsure if it is the consequence of...Such strong emotions that I feel, or rather my mind's response to what little progress I have made to save myself and therefore stand facing an inevitable death.

I will not lose hope yet. I learn more every day. There were times I would believe my efforts were in vain, and pondered if trying at all was a worthwhile use of my time. Now I strive for even the smallest victories, and celebrate them - to myself, of course - as I would a breakthrough. 

I do this because I believe I wish to try all I can now. For you.

I await my Knight's return to me.

By the time Fenryr had read through it all, he had barely reached Nessus' orbit. With a new sense of urgency, he prepared himself for the mission at hand. He wished this to be as easy and quick as Zavala had promised.

For he too missed his Gensym Scribe, and wanted nothing more then but to return to him again.

[soundofseventeen]

13 Days of Christmas (Joshua Hong)

I am very tired, rip. gif credit to owners...im off to cure my cold

Word count: 1676

You wouldn’t call yourself the grinch, but you definitely hated the holidays. You couldn’t stand how the moment Halloween was over, Christmas trees were not only put up everywhere you turned, but the music seeped from the stereo and into your brain (and sometimes your dreams). And then there was the holiday shopping. There were people who didn’t deserve anything but you still had to get them something because you hung out with them. But then there were those who deserved everything the world had to offer, but you couldn’t afford that because the money in your bank account liked to laugh at you for even thinking it. None of that, however, compared to the ridiculous hours you had to work.

The worst job in the world, you liked to say, was retail. You didn’t mind dealing with people as long as they were friendly and didn’t send you into a panic attack after one interaction. They made your days bearable...and also not hate your job too much. But the ones who treated you like gum under their shoe or a roach they couldn’t kill made you wanna gouge your eyes out...or douse them in gasoline and set them on fire. You were fine with either option. It seemed like they all came out to play during the holiday deals and make your life even more miserable than it already felt. You’d been mentally preparing yourself for these days since July, maybe earlier...you didn’t know to be honest. Time now seemed like a foreign concept. Halloween meant dealing with parents fighting over the tiniest accessories for costumes to screeching for a manager because of a nonexistent discount. And the teenagers who acted too cool for everyone had you screaming into whatever you had in your hands. And November brought angry people who basically cursed you and your future generations for not having a bigger display of Thanksgiving items (despite few people celebrating the actual holiday.)

But those didn’t compare to the month-long Christmas. Christmas, ironically enough, was the holiday from hell. Most of the time, you clocked in early in the morning as the sun rose and there was a good chance you wouldn’t come out until the stars were out. If your manager didn’t have you mopping the floor from a coffee that a careless mom spilled, you worked the register, praying that you had the strength to get through your shift. You envied everyone who walked in or passed through those doors because they didn’t feel dread coursing through their bodies. All in all, if you could quit your job without worrying about your next paycheck, you would’ve walked a long time ago, because sometimes it didn’t feel like they paid you enough to deal with that bullshit. 

Tonight seemed like no exception when you trudged through your apartment door, your feet feeling like they’d give out at any second a little after midnight. You let yourself fall on your couch, ripping off the ridiculous Santa Claus hat your coworkers begged you to wear with them, wondering if you could “lose” it somehow. Your face hurt from the mostly fake smile you wore the entire time. You wanted a hot shower to relax your muscles; you wanted to sleep in to the new year so the stress would go away. You needed to look for your laptop so you could start your Christmas shopping so you could spare the other retail workers. (While customers left you apathetic, the empathy you felt for everyone else who dealt with them skyrocketed and you vowed to make things easier for them.);  you needed food so your tummy would quit whining at you to eat something; you needed to remind yourself that no other job paid above the minimum; you needed the fucking cold to go away so you could be less cranky. You just hated everything right now.

As if your night couldn’t get any worse, a scream sounded next door to you. It wasn’t an, “Oh my god, I’m dying here, someone please save me,” yell but one of, “Oh my god; what is this?!” How that was possible, you didn’t know but it was enough for you to leave your couch and out the door in record time to give them a piece of your mind. Some people were asleep at this hour and some like you wanted to wallow in their self-pity because they had to repeat today tomorrow again. 

You had a few choice words for the white flakes falling from the sky because now you had to officially accept that Christmas was coming and you were gonna die of premature stress. But then you saw the culprit who startled you and ruined your night and yelled out an irritated, “Hey!” with hopes of rolling whatever you could spew at him.

He looked at you, his emotions one of wonder and surprise at being acknowledged, his hand midair as if reciting a Shakespearan monologue.

His eyes were a lot sparklier than the ornaments that decorated the Christmas tree at work and you weren’t expecting that, so your expansive vocabulary of bad words died on your tongue, and the longer you looked at him, the harder it was to form a sentence of, “Why the fuck are you so loud?” or something along those lines...and goddamn it, now you were blushing because you had no idea what to do now. His black hair fell into his eyes as the wind blew and he made zero effort to move it, making him seem more attractive and if you weren’t frozen on the spot, you would’ve gone back in and let the roof cave in over your head.

“Hello,” he finally spoke and you were officially fucked. “Can I help you with something?” That. Lisp. With lips redder than Snow White’s had you melting into a puddle and ready to scream at whoever decided to make your life this hard.

“Yeah,” you hated yourself for how meek you sounded when you meant to sound intimidating. “Why’d you yell? Some of us have to be up early tomorrow.” Or in a few hours...time lost its meaning. All you knew was that your alarm had been set up already.

“I’m sorry. I-I just I’ve never seen snow before tonight. See, I’m from LA and it never snows there. Like, we’d go somewhere like Lancaster or more up north, but this is the first time I’ve seen it fall while I’ve been here.”

“Yeah, but so loud? Was that necessary?” Fuck, he was really cute with his reindeer antlers and you really needed to focus because now was not the time to look like a fool in front of a cute boy. Well, any more than you already have.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah well just don’t let it happen again.” You finally found the strength to move and you went back inside to let your neighbor have fun with the falling snow, trying to ignore your racing heart and blushing cheeks.

“Oh, shit this is cold!” 

“Dude!” you threw your head out.

“I’m Joshua,” he waved at you.

“And I wanna sleep.” You sighed. “Listen, I know you mean well, but I have to deal with unpleasant humans tomorrow and the day after that and this whole fucking month until the new year so if you shut up for the rest of the night, then I would appreciate it.” 

He shot you a finger gun and clicked his tongue. “Ahh, you work retail. I could tell by your attitude.” He shivered from the cold. “I’m sorry if I disturbed you; I was just excited to see it-”

And now you felt like a jerk. “No, I’m sorry it was just a really long day and people were annoying and some five-year-old kid almost made me cry and December is just a nightmare and it’s only the beginning. I didn’t mean to snap at you, and enjoy the snow.” You closed the door slowly and opened it again just as quickly. “Also, wear gloves because frostbite is not a joke. Okay, sorry for disturbing you.” *

The next morning, after digging in your closet to find all the accessories to keep you warm, you were running late. So much so, you didn’t even bother turning on your alarm. (It was insured so you weren’t too worried about something happening. And in your haste, you ran straight into...Joshua. Great. 

“I’m sorry. I’ll pay for any damages tonight. My boss’s gonna kill me if I don’t get there soon.”

“Do you ever just take a second to breathe?” He asked you, gently blowing on his coffee cup. The smell of it mixed with French vanilla wafted through the air and into your nostrils. “It’s not even eight yet. What’s the rush?”

“Traffic, and long lines to get breakfast.”

“Well, I have a bagel. Here.” 

“I don’t know you.”

“Well, it’s either take my word for it or you’ll be hungry for hours.”

“How’d you like the snow?” Better to change the subject even if meant getting there a little later than usual. You looked at his bagel a little longer and hesitantly reached for it. (And you realized you didn’t have dinner last night, making it look twice as good.)

“It’s really pretty. I’m kinda glad I live here now.”

“It won’t be like that after a while, trust me. And I really have to go. Uh, thanks for the bagel. I’ll pay you for that.”

“Just don’t yell at your neighbors anymore for seeing snow and we’ll call it even. Good luck at work. I think you might need it. Also, I didn’t get your name.” The cold air left his face red and you hated yourself for how attractive he looked.

“I’m Y/N.”

“Well, Y/N, I’ll probably see you after work. Have a great day.”

You couldn’t tell if he was being sincere or sarcastic but you knew that he was cute and you may have believed in Santa Claus for bringing a cute boy to be your next-door neighbor.

[tommyquackson]

Getting Me a Little Bit | t. holland | part 2

Not My Gif

summary: toms an angel but his life begins changing when he meets one of the most dangerous monsters he’s ever heard of, you. angel!tom and demon!au

warnings: cursing, uh angels? blood and stuff

note: yea idek why i made a part 2 tbh but make sure y’all request!!!

Walking into the Office of Heavenly Affairs, Tom is nervous. Y/ns walking next to him, somehow acting confident and innocent at the same time. She has a small smile on her face and a file in her small hands and she’s leading Tom through the building like she’s been here multiple times before. It isn’t until they arrive into the Demon and Unholy Creatures Department that he realizes y/ns winging this whole thing. He watches her as they both walk up to the secretary’s desk. The secretary, Harmony, recognizes Tom, but her face twists in confusion when her eyes meet Y/n.

“Tom, they’re almost ready for you in the conference room. May I ask who you are?” Harmony speaks to y/n.

“Harmony, I know i’m not down in this division a lot, but I do find it insulting that you don’t remember me. But I forgive you.” Y/n smiles sweetly, showing a ID badge with her name and picture on it. Harmonys eyes widen in shock.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met” Harmony speaks. Y/n sighs and rests on her elbows on the desk, looking into Harmonys eyes. It’s only a few seconds but suddenly Harmonys face flashes with recognition.

“Ms. Y/n! My deepest apologies, i don’t know where my mind has gone, please forgive me. Are you on official business with Agent Holland?” She smiles typing things into her computer.

“Yes I am, it was great seeing you again.” Y/n smiles, tapping the desk before looking at Tom and winking and walking away and towards the conference room where the meeting will be held.

She waits at the door for Tom and he pulls it open, straightening his collar while walking in. He and Y/n walk up to the table and sit down.

“Ah, Agent Holland, im fairly busy today so- oh, who is this?” One of his directors speak now looking at y/n, who immediately stands and hands the file over.

“Hi, I’m Y/n over at the Government Division, as you know, our reports show there’s a suspected 434 demons and other unspeakable creatures in the government in New York City alone, not including Lower Statten Island, but once we tackle our larger issues we’ll take care of the smaller challenges. Anyway, I was doing work in Hell’s Kitchen last night and realized you had field agents stationed there, specifically in The Devil, a popular nightclub. Now that’s not his fault, but it is yours because it has come to my attention that you haven’t alerted us or anyone for that matter about suspected demon activity, now as you know that’s a serious offense and I would hate to see a lot of your hard work be wasted simply because you were careless on a small intel project.” She finishes and looks sweetly at all the Angels sitting on the opposite of the table.

“We sent Agent Holland because we believe there to be a succubus in that nightclub, we didn’t think we’d have to alert anyone about our own mission. What did you say your name was again?” The first Director speaks up, looking her up and down.

“What is it with you guys today? Is there something in the water? Y/n with the Government Division. Have you not been getting my memos?” She puts her hand on her hip and looks at all of them.

“Uh no, I mean yes mam we have, but we had a credible lead that-“

“Well your lead isn’t as credible as you think, Tom, please give them the status report from last night.” She looks at Tom and nods.

“Oh uh, upon entering I saw no suspicious activity, everything was surprisingly human. I was there for a while and no trace or word of a succubus in that club,” Tom gulps, he hadn’t realized how much he didn’t think of what he was going to tell them.

“Great, so, I think you it’s safe to say you can stay out of GDs jurisdiction and we can avoid stepping on each other wings. It was lovely seeing all of you, see you at the Christmas gathering.” Y/n speaks, grabbing the file back and walking out of the room.

Tom is dismissed immediately after and jogs to catch up with her.

“What was in that file, they believed everything you were saying,” Tom gasps.

“Oh it’s empty, i just projected whatever I was saying onto the file and it appeared, simple illusions. Now shall we go get lunch?” She smiles, clothes changing as soon as she steps out of the stark white building.

—

2 weeks later and Tom has been hanging out with the literal spawn of satan nearly everyday. Except for last week when Y/n disappeared for 4 days and came back looking a little worse for wear. She demanded Tom to not talk about it or even question her when she arrived at his place.

Toms been neglecting his heavenly duties to spend more time with her. Although it always made him sick when she brought men to his place while he was out for a bit. He hoped it wouldn’t be a regular occurrence in the future.

He hadn’t seen her today however, she said yesterday that she had important things to do and wasn’t sure when she’d be back. She seemed annoyed at whatever she had to do, but Tom held his tongue.

He sat in his living room, eating spaghetti and watching a beautiful nature documentary. The polar bear cubs struggling to find food always struck a cord in Tom, it seemed so cruel and unfair. He watched as camera men followed penguins and seals around for 5 months and analyzed their behavior.

He’s interrupted by a quiet knock and then a large thump against his front door. He stands and moves quietly to the door, wondering who could be knocking at 11pm on a Tuesday? Y/n always appears in whatever room he’s in, usually scaring him half to death.

He slowly pulls open the door and her smaller body falls into his arms. Y/ns halfway covered in dark blood and her horns look battered. She looks up at him and her face is covered in cuts and more dried blood. Her “human” eyes are hidden and the whole space is covered in black with low flames flickering. She smiles lightly and he can see her sharp teeth barely poking out.

He pulls her in and lays the demon on the couch, spewing questions in her direction.

“Tommy, relax. You yelling at me ain’t gonna cure my headache” She winces, clenching her jaw.

“Y/n, what happened” He asks softly.

“Don’t wanna talk about it” y/n goes to turn over but quickly hisses and grab her ribs.

“You have to” He stands up straighter.

“I don’t fucking want to” She nearly growls. He’d be more scared if she wasn’t so pathetic looking.

“Y/n, I don’t care what you want to do. You need to tell me what happened so I can help you, NOW!” He shouts the last part and she almost chuckles at how adorable the angel looks yelling at her.

“had’t go t’hell and ran into s”trouble with m’dad” She mumbles, looking at the TV instead of Tom.

“I can’t hear you when you mumble” He says rolling his eyes at her stubbornness.

“I had to go to hell to do some shit and Lucifer found out I was there and decided to meet with me but things took a bad turn and I got my ass kicked by a bunch of leviathans while my dad watched” She spits out, louder and clearer.

“Oh”

“Yep, and since they beat me so damn bad, none of my powers or magic works, had to walk all the way here from the nearest portal, which i’m not sure if you’re aware, is VERY far” She pushes through and sits up on the couch.

“Why did he do it?” Tom asks quietly, unsure of the question was upsetting.

“Eh, there’s a few reasons. Main one being he’s god damn Satan. The other is he found out I was at the Office of Heavenly Affairs, got pissed and accused me of being a traitor” She shrugs like the information is nothing, leading Tom to wonder how much stuff y/ns already dealt with.

“Well, uh. I can do my best to patch you up and you can sleep in my bed.” Tom pushes his glasses up on his face and rushes to get some things to help, he doesn’t usually get hurt so he’s not super prepared, but he’s got the basics.

He spends a few minutes trying his best to disinfect her most serious wounds and cleaning the voood off of her. His hands are shaky as he sews a few cuts up but she doesn’t seem to notice, by looking at Y/ns face, you wouldn’t even know she’s in pain. She’s staring at the now black TV, watching her blurry reflection. Her eyes have gone back to normal and her horns have retreated, though it’s still not easy to read her. Tom usually prides himself on being able to read body language but he’s drawing a blank with y/n. Is she mad? maybe upset? maybe just tired? He’s not sure.

“Thanks tommy.” She winks as he wipes the last bit of ointment on her skin. She stands and clenches her jaw to stop from groaning in pain.

She walks towards the front door, leaving Tom in complete and utter confusion before he snaps to action.

“Wait! What? You can’t leave you’re hurt and in pain, you-“

“I’m fine” She shrugs, not turning around.

“No you aren’t! Why are you denying this, you need to stay here.” Toms eyebrows furrow together.

“Why does it fucking matter?” She finally turns around, eyes switched back to her demon form.

“Because you’re my friend,” Tom speaks quietly. He looks down at the ground afraid of her glare.

“Let’s get one thing straight Thomas. I don’t need a friend, which means i don’t need the bullshit that comes with them. I don’t need you to care about me got it? I’m perfectly fine without you, so don’t act like I need you to survive or like you’re the goddamn air i breathe. You’re nothing to me but an idiot fucking angel. So i’m gonna fucking leave and you’re gonna fucking let me. Any questions?” She throws her hands towards him. His head shoots up at her.

“You came here? You didn’t go to the club, you walked all the way from the nearest portal, which is 34 blocks by the way, you needed someone and you came here. Don’t get mad just because you want to be the one to hurt someone instead of the other way around. So you can leave if you really want to y/n, but don’t lie about why you’re doing it because you’re only fooling yourself” He spurts out, face red and hands shaky.

Y/n doesn’t say anything for a while. Just stares in anger, her eyes fill with tears and she quickly wipes them away as they fall.

“I don’t wanna be friends anymore Tom, that’s it.” She shakes out between her deep shudders of breath. She turns and limps out quickly, slamming Toms front door behind her.

[modernliterature]

i wanted to post about this last night but it was so late & i was too sleepy to say anything coherent (no promises that this will be actually coherent)

but i wanted to clarify that the reason i was so happy about jester taking the flask wasnt because i thought it was a Good Idea, or that it would somehow cure notts alcoholism or in fact fix it in any way. but it was, finally, SOMEONE doing SOMETHING. 

jester has been the only one so far to treat notts alcoholism as anything but a joke. shes been quietly worried over it for some time, but the past couple episodes you can see her concern growing as nott doubles down on the drinking and the alcohol induced recklessness. i mean, nott REALLY could have gotten ALL OF THEM killed this week with that fireball trap. 

so jester sees the drinking is going too far. she knows something needs to be done but we know shes not going to confront anyone about a problem like this and risk them getting mad at her, not liking her anymore. the other party members that are more willing to have these Hard Talks arent stepping up. and its not like jester has any experience dealing with addiction. so she tries to fix it the only way she knows how, which makes sense from her perspective, which is to take the problem away. 

once again, not a smart/good way to deal with it, but you can see why she did it, and that it came from a place of compassion and a genuine desire to help. and, to be fair, jester just recently saw nott doing fairly well without drinking at all! jester knows she can be fine without it, shes witnessed it, why would it be any different this time?

(the difference being, obviously, that last time nott quit of her own free will and this time the choice was robbed from her) 

which also brings me to caleb? of anyone he has the least excuse for letting this go on and continuing to enable nott, right? i mean it makes sense in the beginning. the whole time shes been clearly using it to cope with her anxiety and the two of them being constantly on the run didnt facilitate anything besides that short term solution. it wasnt a great situation but it made sense. 

but now theyve got a support system, theyve got safety in numbers, theyve had multiple instances of downtime where the subject could have been brought up. but caleb, like everyone else, ignores it as an actual problem. he even encourages her to drink at times. whats his deal? 

i genuinely dont understand what his plan is with making a point to go buy her liquor (and attempting to buy LOTS of liquor) and then.... keeping it from her? it would make sense if the idea was to have some to tide her over until they get to a safe stopping point where they could address the issue properly, or use what he bought to try and wean her off of it, just in general a temporary solution until they are maybe back at the xhorhaus or something and can dedicate the appropriate time and attention to this. but he just? bought it and didnt tell anyone? whats the plan caleb? 

same with fjord! while im here im gonna call his bullshit too! what was the point of buying the whiskey in front of her in order to just, make a point to not let her have it? what purpose does that serve? what could that possibly do but make the problem worse? ik he and nott have a bit of an antagonistic relationship atm but damn fjord that is very wis 7 of you

this is getting off track but my main point is that this has been a long standing issue that the whole party has been turning a blind eye to for a long time. even now, with jester finally doing something to draw their attention to it, they were still fairly dismissive of notts freakout when the flask turned up missing. the whole party needs to step up their game in supporting her! which includes tough love where necessary! 

i think its a step in the right direction that jester has finally done SOMETHING about it, even if its not really the right way to deal with it. this could be a great jumping off point for them to actually start working on this to make a positive impact in the future, given that they finally start taking it seriously. 

i just worry about the eventual fallout when nott inevitably learns it was jester that stole the flask....

[pumkinmetanoia]

Let me tell you my story about my trip, Im a small girl from New orleans, Born and raised. Came from little and nothing, Ive always suffered from depression and anxiety, I lost both parents at a young age, I went to beauty school and finished and currently back in school in a medical field. I come so close every day to feeling the down pour of my darkness. I have hope for the future yet at the same time struggle to survive. Some days i wonder if it's all worth it while others Im thankful to just be alive. But that wave of emotion is consistent. There is not enough therapy or medications in the world to fix it. Make it better, temporarily, but never a cure. I suffer but i know im strong. I came from so little and seeing so much. I had to grow up quick. I learn about life everyday. I grow apart from people and situations that are no longer healthy for me. I see past evil and i walk past hate. When that means leaving long friendships and old habits it also means being overwhelmed and alone. I decided to take a trip. I took a chance i should say.  Now i love my city, but when darkness consistently takes over you and the will to live have became a burden on your mind, You start to despise where you live, what you see on the norm every day. I've never wanted to leave a place so badly, especially when you constantly feel like hell, emotionally and physically and you see a city that no longer feels like home, yet it was my comfort zone. I have family who lives in Lake Tahoe, Nevada. I got a break from school and decided to go. I've never been farther than a few states away from my home and never been on a plane. I got the tickets, packed a bag and went on my way. If you knew me personally, you'd know 6 years ago before my mother died it was nearly impossible to leave my house. My anxiety was worse than ever. And leaving my mom alone sick was to blame. I shook with fear getting on the plane, the unknown was scary for me. Petrified being half way across the country, away from my comfort zone. But where my head was at, death was no longer a fear. I knew if i took the chance, it would save me, or kill me. And i was mentally ready for both. From the start of taking off and landing. The experience instantly changed me. It took me by surprise, In the air with no control, I was no longer scared, instead, i was astonished. I could feel the adventure waiting for me. We arrived late but spent 5 full days there. I wont go into details of my trip but i'll explain what it did for me. I climbed some of the highest mountains and felt the clean air fill my lungs. Everywhere i looked was a view, it was hope. It wasn't just the sight of mountains with snow and the clear icee water or the warm graveled sand, it was the beauty, it was the beauty of life beyond my dark mind that haunted me every day, i felt like i was alive. I felt hope, i felt beauty in the world and in myself. It wasn't long till this place stole my heart. I did so much in a little amount of time. I took a boat ride in the lake and saw the mountains around me. I listened to the sound of the waterfall. Rode the water on a paddle board. Got to feel the ground beneath me as i hiked up a mountain and played in the soft snow at the top of the hill. Coming back sure was depressing and i felt the fear of going back to my old self coming over me. But i felt different as i've been home. I was still overwhelmed but only to a certain extent. I think it was cause i was preparing to go back to school and work and knew things needed to be done. But at the same time i knew those worries wouldn't last forever. Being in the mountains of lake tahoe taught me alot. It stole my heart and gave me hope. Being home now for a few days i have been reminsessing the adventures. I know that it will be there for me. I have a place to go when i need to. when i'm there i don't feel alone. I feel surrounded by love and beauty and i took that feeling home with me and now i feel like i can do anything. It gave me hope to finish everything i need to accomplish and gave me the inspiration to see more! to see what the world has to hold. It gave me confidence in myself. I know whatever it is that's heavy on my soul and mind that there's something out there to take it all away. It made me feel grateful for life. I think of tahoe as if it were a person. I remember is as love. and i'll hold it close forever

[ladymusic600]

ET

My mom didn’t make a lot of money and my father left before i was born, I was already dealing with the shame of receiving free school lunches and the looks associated with that. Some of my school friends laughed and poked fun. They chuckled and I even joked about it with them. But for me, on the inside, it wasn’t funny at all. I know how tough it can be to use a soup spoon or button a shirt. I struggle with these seemingly easy, day-to-day tasks too. But I think it shows your true character to keep soldiering on and finding a way, day after day, to keep rising above the challenges. This is a nerve disorder causing uncontrollable shaking usually to the top half of the body. The tremors can make easy and everyday tasks so much more difficult. These tremors can make something as easy as feeding yourself, dressing yourself a challenge. A person with these tremors can have difficulty using a spoon or picking up a glass without spilling what is inside. This is something i have had sense birth. It truly does affect my entire body: my arms, hands, legs(which make me fall and trip), lips, stomach. It even affects my voice, which I find very stressful as it often sounds like I am about to cry when I am in a nervous situation- so phone calls would, naturally, be another source of anxiety for me as I was always worried the person on the other end of the phone would think I was upset. There are many factors that exasperate and intensify my tremor which include: anxiety, being hungry, being too tired, being too cold, being too hot, adrenaline, caffeine and the worst of all: being hungover. There is another huge point to cover here- alcohol completely gets rid of the tremor and when I say it completely gets rid of it, I mean it becomes non-existent, doctors say its ok to have a little but come on? wouldn't you drink like a fish out of water if it made you normal. Therefore throughout my teens I would often drink to self-medicate and relieve the stress that the tremor would put on me. Alcohol would also allow me to do everyday things that I couldn’t do with the tremor (for instance: walking down steps(i need to hold on someone or something), taking a drink, eating soup, writing, the list goes on and on.) I remember enjoying the feeling the alcohol gave me as it made me feel like a ‘normal’ person and I couldn’t believe that people were actually living their lives with this feeling of normality and I was extremely jealous of that. Imagine that, the one cure to your condition, is something that can actually kill you (or is extremely dangerous). But this was a really big problem for me and I was in denial for years that I had become dependent on drinking to calm my tremor and my anxiety. I had normalized using alcohol to self-medicate and kept it a secret for years. I decided to have a drink to calm myself down and stop my legs from shaking, when going out to meet new friends. Of course as one does when socializing this led to another drink and then another. The next morning and I realize my tremor is so bad that I can barely even stand up. So, I went through my options and decided the only real way I could even get out of bed was to have another drink… so I did. This cycle continued drinking, waking up with a hangover, not being able to stand/walk and then drinking again to be able to continue with daily life. The thing is my friends and family would have to carry me days after...So naturally i stopped drinking all together. People don't understand that one day you can be happy and notice its not as bad as you remember but then....there are those days where I have trouble holding things, i drop things on my feet, i fall over a ghost foot, needing help down stairs, i cut my hand, burn myself, can't dress myself, sound like im having a mental break down...i could go on and on how bad it gets....But Imagine waking up one day and trying to drink a cup of hot coffee without burning yourself. Just imagine when you have your good days and bad days, meaning good days being where you can do stuff without even remembering you have this shaking problem. To bad days literally where the moment you get up you know its going to be a long day of wanting to scream cry and throw everything in frustration because you can’t feed yourself or dress yourself, that you are kinda like a new born again, that you just want to go back to sleep and wake up the next day. But the next day might be the same or better you never know. And you know whats sad about this is im a small person and between 100-106 pounds and short and cops always stop me and ask for my id because they think im on drugs….i only met one cop and that day sadly was at night i was working on a children’s haunted train ride and we were both zombies. Not once did he every think that i was on drugs and it was like 60ish degrees out side and that was cold to me so i was shaking like crazy. I came to realize when i got home he just thought i was cold…then i got into my own head and started getting depressed. The thought of people feeling sorry for me, thinking of me as ‘helpless’, or weak was just awful heartbreaking and was one of the reasons why I kept it a secret for so long. I know if i every have a kid in the future that they will have this as well and that makes me cry thinking about them going through this as well. Im going put a innocent child in this world to get bullied like i did and not be able to do things on there own... Im still to scared to tell people about it, it's embarrassing. Eventually it will get worse which makes me sad but even then as far as neurological disorders go, it’s not as bad as it could be and for that I’m grateful. Like When im paying for stuff god i feel horrible because im shaking and nervous which makes it worse and im left feeling guilty and apologizing to everyone every time. Sometimes it makes me want to scream, fall to my knees and cry because i feel like im just slowing people down or they get embarrassed by me. I have difficulty cooking and have burned and cut myself multiple times, I can’t drive when my tremors are bad because Im scared…I’m at the point now where I avoid eating and drinking in public even if im out all day i still won’t. I’m socially awkward all the time even when im not shaking im just shy and weird haha. See The dating scene can be a bit tricky, especially with people who aren’t really used to seeing you, or anyone else, with tremors. I NEVER been on a date in my life and im kind of scared to go on one because i have to wear wrist and forearm weights. Essential Tremors is a progressive neurological condition that causes a shaking within the hands, head, voice or legs and in some cases an internal shaking is reported. Essential Tremors are most normally confused with Parkinson’s but is more common and while Parkinson’s lessens with more movement, ET worsens with movement, anxiety, stress and strain. Unlike Parkinson's, which is a degenerative disease that causes someone to lose brain cells, essential tremor is not a degenerative disorder. Usually, the tremor that's characteristic of essential tremor occurs while the person is performing a movement-oriented activity – such as eating, drinking, writing, typing or brushing teeth – or when the hand is in a still but outstretched position (called a postural tremor). The severity can range from a barely noticeable trembling that's exacerbated by stress, anxiety, fatigue, excess caffeine or certain stimulant asthma medications to a severe, disabling tremor that has a significant impact on your ability to perform daily activities. For people with severe tremor that doesn't respond to drugs, surgical therapies and other treatments are gaining traction. With deep brain stimulation, a probe is implanted in the thalamus, the part of the brain that causes tremors, and a wire runs from the probe to a pacemaker-like device implanted in the chest. "We use the pacemaker to jam the tremor signal inside the brain," "If the tremor gets worse, we can dial up the stimulation." Hearing that scares me, because you can't be asleep when you have this surgery, you have to be awake so they know they have it in the right place. Recent epidemiological studies indicate that individuals with ET are at slightly increased risk of developing dementia (particularly Alzheimer’s disease) compared to their age-matched counterparts without ET. Similar studies also show that persons with ET have a more than four-times increased risk of developing Parkinson’s disease. The mechanisms for these associations are currently under study. so….would you date me knowing possibly by the time im 40-50ish that i might need help with almost everything i do? would you date me knowing i could possibly give ET to our kid? would you date me knowing there are times where i scream bloody murder because i can’t handle the shaking?  would you date me knowing that there will be times where i zone out and get depressed because i either know my out come or because i im scared of it? i want someone who loves me and not because of sympathy…

[wissemwb4-blog]

Choice

This Short Story Is Biography 😎 Not For Stealling Or Copy ⚠️ So Please Don't Copy This Story Or Publish it In Other Account 😊 And Thanks ⚠️ This Story Its True Story And Personal Too I Post This One For The Adulte People Because Its Share Many Meaning ⚠️ Lets Talk Honestly ! 👌 _What Sacrifice Mean ? _Do You Understand What This Word Mean ? _Do You Lose Something Precious To Save Something Else? Okey I'm A Boy Live His life With Honor And Dignity And I Had Many Dreams And Purposes In My Life 👌 Finding The Happiness And Finding the Real Love And Live Your Life To See That Love Growing Up ❤️ But Like They Said There Is No Mercy In This Dirty World 🌍 Living With Honor And Dignity Not Easy Like You Think Because People Here Are Monsters,Devils👿,Animals🐺... (Not All But Most Of Them ).So Its Hard To Keep Your Love Safe They Will Tracking You , Judge You and Try To Break You . But I Never Care I Continue My Life With That's Small Happiness But This Life Changed Like The Cloud In The Sky I Find Myself In Big Storm ☁️⚡️ Fighting Alone Between Saving My Family Or Saving My Love ❤️ My Father👨 Is Sick need Money , Mother 👩Can't Work Anymore , Brother Can't Study Anymore Even My Little Sister Find Herself Out The School and The Girl That I Loved ❤️ Waiting The Day That I Will Come To Her Family And Ask To Merry Her 👰💍.I Find Myself Alone Fighting All Of This Problems In The Sametime 😕 So What To Do Now ? I need To work For My family Or The Work For My Dream 💍? i Start Thinking 24H/24H Even The Sleep I Can't . So What Now Wiss What To do In This Situation Running Out This Hell 🔥 And Kill Yourself 💀 And Go To The Other Hell 🔥 Or Try To Fix One By One And We Will Be Alright ? I Start Thinking To Cross The Borders And Go To Europe 🚣 But Not Possible Without Money And My Death Will Make It worse😐 So What ? But This Life Don't Give Me Time To Think Or To Choose .. After 3 Days My Father Need IRM ( 200€) To Do That Thing And To Start Looking For A Cure To My Father 😓 So What Now Wiss ? Need To Work And Need To Get Money Very Fast 💰 So How ? i Live In Stupid Country Not Rights Here ( Hospitals 🏥Like A Jails ) No Money , No Rights , Nothing Just Death Close To Me 💔 My Heart Start Hate Everything 🔥 I Start Feel Fire Inside Me And Losing My Feelings Day After Day 💔 I Start Losing My Ideas And My Mind 😵 Thinking So Much Make Me So Stressed And Sick 😷 I Start Changing To The Horrible Person 😫 And I Can't Stop This . but The Only One Who Remember Me To Stand Up Again And Fight She Is Her ❤️ Day After Day I Losing Myself 💔 My Heart Burning 🔥I. Can't Understand My Feelings ... i Start Think Death Better Than This Hell 🔥 I Losing My Faith 😐 I Start Hate The People Like I'm A Stranger On This Planet 🌍🚀 The Only Question I Ask : Why Me ?😭 I Didn't Find Any Solution 😤 i Start Losing And In Few Days I Can't Feel The Big Love Inside My Heart 💔 I Change And I Can't See Anymore 👤 I Can't See The Truth 😓 I Forget What She Did To Me And I Forget How We Spend All This Time Supporting Each Others 👫 ... Everything I Build Burn With My Soul 🔥 I Forget Even My Friends And My Relations 😕 I Just Breath , Eat , Sleep ... i Forget How To Live ! So Know Its The Real Test In My Life The Girl I Love Start Feel Tired Because Of My Behaviors 😤 And i Start Not Care About Her Or Her Feelings I Only Hurt Her So Much And She Burning With Me My Family Falling Down Too 😭 What Now Wiss ? The Girl Will Lose Her Chance To Merry Anyone Because in This Country There is A Fucking Miserable Culture And Mentalities 😏 If She Don't Merry Or Find A Man Before The 24,26,28 Years Old She Will never Merry 💔 So What now I Can't Make Her waiting Me Maybe more Than 8 Years To Merry Her 💍💔No Money mean No Life so What ? She Is Love Me So Much But Now I Will be The Criminal Who Destroy Her Life And Her Future 😓 Now I need To Choose My Girl Or My Family 😐Both Of The Two Choices Are Important 😭 The Family Burn And I'm Too 🔥And Her Will Burn Soon 😓 I Can't Make This Happen For Both Of Them 😐Okey I Made A Choice !😑 Time Now To Sacrifice And I Can't Make It worse For Her Anymore " I NEED TO LEAVE THIS GIRL TO CONTINUE HER LIFE AND LIVE LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS " This Is My Horrible Way To Get Out This Hell by Sacrifice By My Heart and My Dreams 🔥 I Can't Take It Anymore 😤 Time To Tell her But I Know That She Won't Let Me Go 😓 So How ? Now The Second Sacrifice I Need To Make Her Hate Me So Much As I Can 😡 So I Start My Mission To Make That Heart Inside Her Hate My Name And My Memories This Is The Only Way To Save Her From This Destiny 💔 I Start Acting Like I'm Not Interesting Anymore And I Forget Her Memories 😑( Its Hard To Acting This But Its The Only Way ) Day After day The Problems Start And She Suffering And Crying But i Need To Keep Acting Sometime I Wanna Stop But I Can't Not Now ... But What Make Me Impressive She Refuse To Left me after All What I Did To Her 😔 The Must Hardest Days In My Life Because I See The Real Love Inside Her Eyes But I Close My Eyes To Not Seeing That Things 😞 Day After Day She Given Up but She Try Again She Call Every One I Know To understand What Happen To Me but I Told Everyone Its A Secret I Want Her To Hate Me Forever 💔 Some People Said I'm Crazy And Lier But Its the Truth I want To Save Her From What Coming Next And She Deserve Better 😞 None Believe me Even My Family 😑 But I Will Never Stop Its Mine And I Know Her More Than Anyone In This life She Will suffer With me She Need To Go Now And In This Day I Choose To Ignore Her Whatever She Will do I Don't Pick Up The Phone Anymore I Don't Reply To Any Messages I Don't Even Want To see Her Face Or Hear Her Voice again 😔 Time To Finnish That Thing Forever 😞 I Will Never Forget all Of this And I Know I Do A Horrible Thing But Not For My Benefits Or Anything Else I Save Her From This Destiny And I Will Fight Here alone But This Time I Don't Have anything To worried About it 😞 No Feelings , No Love , Nothing Precious ,No Life 😑 I Choose This Way Not Just For Me . for Her , For My Father. , For My Mother , For My Brother and Sister 👫 This Pain Will Never Stop Whatever Will Happen And This Memories Will Not Deleted 😑 I Never Blame My Family Or Anyone In This Life 😕 Its A Test And I Can't Save Everything In this test 😕 The Last Level In This Test Id Killing Your Heart Forever 💔 And Sacrifice By Your Only Love And Only Hope In The World 🌍 Now I'm Alive Suffering From This Shits In My Mind 😞 I Can't Feel Freedom And Wherever I Go I Feel Afraid If One Day i See Her again Because She Will Show Me Her Hate And Her Brown Eyes Looking At Me Like i'm A Betrayer And Criminal 😓 Maybe She Will never Forgive Me For What I Did But Now i Release That I Choose The Right Choice 👌 She Rebuilding Her Life Again ❤️ And I'm Sure She will Find Her Way to Forget what i did For her 😊 I'm Happy Because I Stop Her Suffering And I Know She Will be Alright ❤️ and I'm Really Want To See Her With Another Man Can Make Her happy Forever. 😊 Man Do What I Can't Do 👌 I Never Blame Myself For what i Did . I'm Proud That I Save Someone In This Life And Maybe I Can't Save Myself From This Destiny But Im Burning Alone 🔥 maybe Its Sad Story When You Read It but For Me Is A Story Show The People What's The Sacrifice For The Family and The Dreams And There Is Many Do More Than Me 💔 But These Persons We Can Call Them Heroes 👌 They Choose To Save The Other people Not To Save Just Themselves ❤️ ❤️THE END💔 Let Give My story A Titter Is Biography Short Story By Its Enough For Now Because I Choose English Not Easy To Write All of This In One Hour 🕡 The Titter : ❤️ The Choice 💔 #Wiss #Biography #The_Choice 12/05/2018 End At 3:30 AM Thanks For Reading 😊

[zebra-warrior]

Why do I raise awareness for EDS? Sure I do it for myself but I also do it for others. Having this condition I've seen the devistation it causes. I've had friends with it who I have watched waste away and lose their battles. No EDS itself can't result in a persons life coming to an end but connective tissue makes up at least part of every organ, bone, muscle, joint, nerve, tendon ligament, fat cells, blood and even nails and hair so the entire body is fair came for this disease so though no, EDS cat take your life, I along with most consider EDS to be life endangering because it can cause anything to go wrong with any part of your body which in tern can result in the loss of life so ultimately it is can rob you of many years. I do this for my friends who have passed away. I do this for one friend I particular. Emet Tauber who told me to never quit spreading the word.

No one should ever have to go 28 years without a diagnosis, being told they are Hypochondriac, have Illness Anxiety Disorder, have a Somataform Disorder, Somatic Symptom Disorder, Psychosomatic Disorder have Conversion Disorder, a Functional Neurological Disorder or what ever new name continues to be created to replace it. They all mean the same thing. "it's all in your head, you're afraid your going to get sick so now your mind is creating these fake symptoms of illness. It's a term that is overused and someting a doctor uses when they don't know what's wrong with the person and are too egocentric to admit it and once a person does have a diagnosis that is very complex and has no treatment or cure, you are labeled with these conditions so that a doctor can send you out the door because they don't want to deal with it. Quite honestly im waiting for the day a doctor can be prosecuted for using these labels as an excuse not to treat someone after they have a diagnosis or for labeling them with these diagnoses even though evidence shows someting is obviously wrong even if it's not known what is causing these abnormal test results. Because they want you to become someone else's problem. Because they use as a way to put a blanket over top of the fact that they are letting you lay there untreated or even worse, in the cases for things such as whan I lost the ability to walk were they would pick me up and say I could walk and then drop me on the floor, using these terms to cover up physical mistreatment. I would also like to see Psychosomatic Disorders to legally only be diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist as they are usually the first to tell us we were misdiagnosis and done for the Psychosomatic criteria at all. I had one personally tell me that the doctor who refereed me by reading his notes obviously has Narsocistic Personality Disorder so doctors who don't specialize in psychology should in no way be able to diagnose this. A referral is fine but of they can't diagnose it they don't leave the patient with a botched record to follow them around for more doctors to piggy back off of.

I don't want the future generations to go through this, to live their lives with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and would almost rather stay home during a life threatening event than have to go to the hospital knowing they will likely leave sicker than they went in. Afraid to go to sleep at night because their heart has stopped so many times before that they are afraid it will stop again and there will be no alarms to wake someone up or they struggle with aniphalexis and are afraid they will quit breathing it diabetes and afraid of a diabetic coma secondary to their Gastroparesis secondary to their EDS. For a patient to have to dedicate their lives to research because if they don't try to save themselves who's going to. Because they have to know what not to do in order to refuse treatments from doctors that can make them worse. It should be a doctors responsibility to save a patient but most of us don't have this leasire. We figure out how to save ourselves and go to the hospital when we need to not for a knowlegable doctor but because we can't write perscriptions for ourselves, do imaging on on ourselves, pick up a lactated ringer or oxygen tank at the local drug store. We go for life saving supplies hoping a hospital doctor will listen to what we need, read the medical journal pages we printed off for them to explain why we need what we need and provide us those materials. I don't want a botched medical history to follow patients around for the rest of their lives for lazy doctors to pick and choose these misdiagnoses, even after a diagnosis, to put a nice psychosomatic baidage on top of it so they have an excuse to not treat you. To flat line at a hospital yet sent home two hours later.

I don't expect a cure to be found because this is genetic but I do hope the future of EDS patients have access to an approved treatment and more knowlegable doctors and that even those aren't specialists are taught more about it then three sentences. Most schools don't address it at all in their curriculam. It would be nice if of all the time they spend in school and with how complicated the conditon is at least one week of education is dedicated to EDS. That's still only a fraction of knowledge on the topic but at least it's enough to know some of the symptoms or comorbidities common or possibly the more basic diagnosis criteria. Maybe a new profession. Will even be created such as a Connective Tissue Specialist since that's are so many connective tissue diseases yet no specialist dedicated to them. As of now we are supposed to be thrown into the category of Rhumatology but I've never met a Rhumie that knows much about it. I would also like to sew the "look for a Zebra not a horse" terminology totally thrown out of med school. Teaching medical students that rare diseases are nearly impossible to come across and to only look for a common ailment when diagnosing a patient is dangerous and leads to unethical outcomes. Zebras do exist. I raise awareness so future kids can get a diagnosis earlier, better treatment for the conditions early on, consistant treatment with no excuses for mistreatment of a patient and ultimately these individuals are able to live much healthier lives. Every person who sees my posts or has spoken with me, read my emails or has me as a patient. I hope to spark their interest and if noting else they take away one new piece of information about my condition that they can share or use when they meet the next person who has this conditon. It's all about knowledge. We can't have progress without knowledge.

(Video is me in shock at Mount Carmel East Hospital with micro tears along my spinal cord and inflamation. I was left on the floor in a room for people on things they had to come down odd of for 7 hours. I begged for a blood and urine test before it got this bag even offering to let them watch me on the toilet and they said no leaving me there hours only to find out I had nothing in my system and they had made a major mistake. By then the beds were full and I had to wait even longer. Before they knew they kept yelling at me for lying on the floor. The others in the weighting room went into an uproar about what they had done to me.)

[fairycosmos]

tw!! im bulimic but im trying to do better. i never binge, so i just purge small amounts of food. lately ive just wanted to restrict. not completely, but to where ill be able to feel better abt myself without purging. but the more i think abt not eating, the more i want to eat n it just makes me feel even worse n idk what to do. i have a hard time talking abt this bc im at a healthy weight, i know im sick but i have a hard time believing it bc my body doesnt show it. its just been a hard cycle.

hey love, im so sorry to hear that :(( i completely understand how difficult it is and honestly, a lot of people do. i think the thing is, is that there is no sustainable answer in the realm of eating disorders - restricting leads to major health problems and extended periods of depression, as does continuing to purge everything you eat. so as long as you're chasing those prospects, you're never going to achieve the satisfaction you crave. your brain will lie to you of course, trying to convince you that your goals are attainable and 'not a big deal', but that's a line of thinking that will only perpetuate the cycle. i'm really proud of you for choosing to try and do better. and i think a big part of that is realizing that you can't continue indulging the same urges that got you here in the first place, if you want to progress. obviously i'm not saying it's possible to just stop, to suddenly develop a healthy relationship with food and your body. it's not that simple, and i fully recognize the gravity of the situation. which is why i believe it may be time to seriously look into seeking help even if your mind is screaming at you and telling you not to. it doesn't matter that you're at a healthy weight - eating disorders are mental illnesses, not primarily physical ones, for a reason. what you're doing is still harmful to your organs, your emotional state, your relationship with yourself, your future etc. the list goes on. when your mind tells you that its 'not bad enough' to get help, that's a sign that is is, because you're trying to rationalize what is hurting you. that alone is not healthy. i get that reaching out seems like an impossible task in this moment, but it doesn't have to be. the hardest part is taking the initial step, and then you realize its what you should have been doing the whole time, even if its really hard. it's not hard in the same way that struggling alone is. idk where you live or what your life situation is like, but there must be some mental health resources in your area. there are ED hotlines you can call and ED recovery websites that offer coping mechanisms and advice on how to advance in your recovery. you can just start with those at first, it's totally fine to take this at your own pace. or if you want to begin with your parents or a friend, that's completely understandable. being honest with your support system is important. as long as you keep the possibility of talking to your doctor, or a support group, in the back of your mind as a viable option. don't write if off no matter how scared you are. talking to a professional will give you a much needed additional perspective, a place to open up, and a care plan to help you deal with the bad days. they will also enable you to identify the root causes of your issues. it's not about being instantly cured, it's just about understanding that you have to try. whatever 'trying' means to you. could just be lying in bed holding yourself back from purging. it all counts. learning to differentiate between disordered thoughts and trustworthy ones is really an irreplaceable skill that you WILL learn through therapy and opening up. and i believe in u, i know you can make that choice. even if you have to work up to it. i promise it has nothing to do with being 'ill enough.' you're bulimic, that is a disease no matter the extent of it, and you deserve treatment. it's not a competition. i really hope you're ok and that you're able to get to a place of, if not self love, self neutrality. where you no longer feel bad about nourishing yourself. im sending you a lot of love. i'll be here if you need a friend 💌

[gracelessknights]

“I just want to do the right thing and what’s best for you.” “How would you know what’s best for me?” I asked sharply. “You’re not me. You have no right to make decisions for me.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me,” I tell her. “There are millions of people who have had their mother die. You did, as well. I’m not so unique. We all get through it as best we can.”

And yes, his sex life is fairly shallow; he’s admitted as much. But he’s clearly intelligent and kind. Not the soppy sort of kindness that seems to be more about showing off than actual caring, but a quiet, unobtrusive thoughtfulness that’s unexpected and lovely.

“I love you too, baby,” she said. “I really do. I want you to be okay. The rest of your choices are up to you. I hope to God you make the right ones.”

“If you say you’re in love with him, then I believe you. Please understand, however, that at your age very few loves ever last. You don’t know if he’ll just decide to leave you one day. Keep that in mind, okay?”

“You have ten minutes,” he told me. “Ten minutes to think about what you did wrong and how bad you feel right now. Are you ready?”…“There. It’s over now,” he said. “Now you look forward and figure out how you’re going to get better.”

Anything is possible if you give it a chance

“They’re your family.” Hades laughed. “No. Goddess lesson number one: Fear the family.” “My mom—” “Was a wonderful mother to you, I’m sure. But she still lied and deceived you at every turn.” He waved off my protest. “Consider yourself lucky. Our father tried to eat us. We all grouped together and killed our parents. Instead of drawing us closer, we spent the next few millennia ripping each other apart. Families think they know what’s best for you. Your friends let you figure that out for yourself.”

I trust him to be true to his nature, you need to trust those around you will be true to their nature. Even when it may appear that they are betraying who they are.

Aim to be better not bitter.

Some things are out of our control,” he said. “We have to learn to accept and adapt.”

Why drown in love when you can have so much fun swimming around in lust?

Who better to parent you, than people who have had to persevered through their life.

Be a catalyst for change

My aunts said I was dreaming when I said I wanted words to be a career, but my mother kept quoting Picasso’s mother. “Picasso’s mother told him if he got into the army, he’d be a general. If he became a monk, he’d be the pope. Instead he was a painter and became Picasso. That’s exactly how I feel about you. So do, Rachel, what you love.”

Rise and rise again until lambs become lions.

Demographics are destiny.

“Devils don’t come from hell beneath us. No, they come from the sky.”

Goodnight. Travel well.

“It’s not torture. It’s not making things worse. It’s not horrible. It’s not a fucking mistake. Out of everything don’t you dare say it’s a mistake.”

Learn before you burn.

I don’t think it [love] is someone who sweeps you off your feet. I think it’s someone who stays right beside you and let’s you walk on your own.

We can only do want we know.

We can only practice what we understand and he neither understands this nor does he value it.

“…,Im fine.” “Until you’re not. Then what? What am I supposed to do,…? Do you have an answer for that?”

Intentions don’t bloody matter if the end result isn’t what you expected.

I feel like you have the best intentions but you’re just making one mistake after another.

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”

“I couldn’t forgive him or like him, but I saw that what he had done was, to him, entirely justified.”

Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” ― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.” ― Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance

“Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt.” ― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Of course it hurt that we could never love each other in a physical way. We would have been far more happy if we had. But that was like the tides, the change of seasons–something immutable, an immovable destiny we could never alter. No matter how cleverly we might shelter it, our delicate friendship wasn’t going to last forever. We were bound to reach a dead end. That was painfully clear.” ― Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

“I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.” ― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

“That’s what the world is , after all: an endless battle of contrasting memories.” ― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. No truth, no sincerity, no strength, no kindness can cure that sorrow. All we can do is see it through to the end and learn something from it, but what we learn will be no help in facing the next sorrow that comes to us without warning.” ― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Most people are not looking for provable truths. As you said, truth is often accompanied by intense pain, and almost no one is looking for painful truths. What people need is beautiful, comforting stories that make them feel as if their lives have some meaning. Which is where religion comes from.” ― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

“It’s easy to forget things you don’t need anymore.” ― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Instruction does much, but encouragement everything. ― Letter to A.F. Oeser, Nov. 9, 1768

Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten. ― Neil Gaiman, Coraline

You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. ― Christopher Columbus

Either you run the day, or the day runs you.                                                         ― Jim Rohn

What you plant today, you can harvest tomorrow.

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.  ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is not about where you impart your views, it is about the message itself. Speeches made on on a table in the cafeteria can sometimes mean more than words said in an arena with roaring crowds.

It’s not just a word. It’s the weight of it.

It’s not a small thing to give up everything you’ve ever known. But it’s not a small thing to give up Emma, either. If there is even a slight possibility he can have them both—Emma and his heritage—then it’s certainly worth fighting for.

“If you ever get caught in the undertow,” he’d said, “just let it take you. Just let it pull you right out. Whatever you do, don’t fight it and waste your energy and oxygen. That’s how people die. The people who don’t die wait it out. The undertow lets go eventually, right when you think you can’t hold your breath any longer. You just have to be patient.”

I wonder if other mothers feel a tug at their insides, watching their children grow up into the people they themselves wanted so badly to be. ― Jodi Picoult, Keeping Faith

You’ll never know your limits until you push yourself to them.

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly. ― George Carlin

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art – write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. ― Neil Gaiman

You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun. ― Shaun Hick

Neither the sun nor death can be looked at steadily. ― François de La Rochefoucauld

Do not sit still; start moving now. In the beginning, you may not go in the direction you want, but as long as you are moving, you are creating alternatives and possibilities.’ ― Rodolfo Costa, Advice My Parents Gave Me: and Other Lessons I Learned from My Mistakes

It is never too late to be what you might have been. ― George Elliot.

Being there for someone when they need you, that’s all relationships are. ― That Awkward Moment.

Remember: It costs nothing to encourage an artist, and the potential benefits are staggering. A pat on the back to an artist now could one day result in your favorite film, or the cartoon you love to get stoned watching, or the song that saves your life. Discourage an artist, you get absolutely nothing in return, ever. ― Kevin Smith, Tough Shit: Life Advice from a Fat, Lazy Slob Who Did Good

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent. ― Steve Martin, Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life

Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be. ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

When you put effort into your self and people will put effort into you

We find comfort in those who agree with us - growth among those who don’t. ― Frank Clark

Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition. ― James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ― Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ― Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain. ― Maya Angelou, Wouldn’t Take Nothing for My Journey Now

You wanna make a splash? Part the Red Sea.                                                       ― Harvey Spector

In a gentle way, you can shake the world.                                                            ― Mahatma Gandhi

Silence only perpertuates more silence

“Jesus, you’re so bloody…forward.” “You don’t get anywhere in life by going backward.”

I know that this woman isn’t just a prostitute, she is an heir. I know that this precious woman is a princess and was worth the King of kings to die for her. I know that she is worth more than $20 dollars for 4 hours and that she is treasured beyond belief. I know that she is valued and loved to an extent I will only know in heaven.                                                                                               (A Christian article I read a while back)

I’ve learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel                                               ― Maya Angelou

Name one thing you can’t live without. Emma Stone: Love. In whatever form it takes.

It would make more sense to have birth control for men because .. There’s a better chance to shoot on an empty gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest.

Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.

i’m still not sorry but I understand.

Don’t wait for the future. it’s all hit or miss

Do what you can for as long as you can

Visual escapes are crucial only due to the psychological factor it pertains

I love my community so i wanna help it

Education should never have a political agenda.

“She stared into the fire for some time, thinking about what she had in her life, and what she had given up; and whether it would be worse to love someone who was no longer there, or not to love someone who was.”                                  ― Neil Gaiman

As for courage and will- we cannot measure how much of each lies within us; we can only trust there will be sufficient to carry us through the trials which may lie ahead. ― Andre Norton

A lie would have no sense unless the truth were felt as dangerous. ― Alfred Adler

Is the holocaust an aberration or reflection of who we really are. 

I found myself surrounded by people who celebrated intellectualism and engagement and who thought that my ironic oh so cool disengagement wasn’t clever or funny but like it was a simple and unspectacular response to complicated and compelling problems.                                                                   ― John green

Just because you’ve done something throughout your life, it doesn’t let you off the hook for it. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong. Stop using familiarity as an excuse.

You’re doing what you can and that’s all that matters.

Treat yourself like you would treat a small child.

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over again.                                                                                                ― F Scott Fitzgerald

“I don’t know anything with certainty, but seeing the stars makes me dream”

The only thing you need to do anything is the time and motivation

Adjust your sails according to the wind

“Then suck it up, take responsibility for your own mess. And get your head back in the game. ”

Learn something with the intention of teaching it.

You’re the only person who has control over who you become.

Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

‘When you light a candle, you also cast a shadow’

“Need covers itself with love … but need is never love. Always beware of the one who needs you. There is always a want behind a need, you see”   ― J Lynn Armentrout

“If you’re not scared, then you’re not taking a chance. And if you’re not taking a chance, what the hell are you doing anyway!” ― Ted Mosby

This is the problem I have with religion, people do too may things in the name of belief, or worse use it to prevent others from exploring external possibilities.

So here’s my advice study broadly and without fear. Be vigilant in the struggle towards empathy ― John Green

Being afraid isn’t a weakness, Alex. It’s only a sign of something you must overcome.” ― J Lynn Armentrout

“We would all believe in God if he served our every whim. Belief is not about an easy life. Belief is soemthing you have regardless.”

“Sit down, take a deep breath. And let mommy take care of it… just like she always does.”

Small mishaps don’t count a fuckups by the way -me

It’s not a problem, its challenge

Take the game seriously, but remember it’s just a game

“Even when you grow up and move away, its important to come home. Ok?”

It doesn’t get easier… it gets manageable.

Don’t set off running unless you can see the finish line.

Are you strong enough to carry your secrets

Escape-based choices are almost always disastrous, because they solve only half the problem. Target-based decisions at least have a shot at being successful, so keep that in mind every time you have a significant choice to make. Don’t be pushed away from what you don’t want; let yourself be pulled toward what you do want. I’m not saying your end goals can’t change—of course they might. But don’t tell yourself, “So what if this isn’t what I’d hoped for? Heck, it beats what I’ve got.” You deserve better.

Understand that there are no “wrong” decisions.

In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences. ― Robert Green Ingersoll

“The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Clarity and focus doesn’t always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you. ― Shannon L. Alder

The mother memories that are closest to my heart are the small gentle ones that I have carried over from the days of my childhood. They are not profound, but they have stayed with me through life, and when I am very old, they will still be near … Memories of mother drying my tears, reading aloud, cutting cookies and singing as she did, listening to prayers I said as I knelt with my forehead pressed against her knee, tucking me in bed and turning down the light. They have carried me through the years and given my life such a firm foundation that it does not rock beneath flood or tempest. ― Margaret Sanger

It really takes the pressure off if you understand that every experience you have, whether you characterize it as “good” or “bad,” is exactly the experience you need to have at that moment. Some choices may lead to more painful lessons than others, but living life in fear of living life is no way to live.

When I was trying to decide whether or not to go on my trip, I had a friend who flipped a coin and made me commit to the outcome. Life involves some risk. Flip the coin and see where it leads you.

William Parrish: I thought I was going to sneak away tonight. What a glorious night. Every face I see is a memory. It may not be a perfectly perfect memory. Sometimes we had our ups and downs. But we’re all together, and you’re mine for a night. And I’m going to break precedent and tell you my one candle wish: that you would have a life as lucky as mine, where you can wake up one morning and say, “I don’t want anything more.” Sixty-five years. Don’t they go by in a blink?”                                                                                                     ―Meet Joe Black

William Parrish: I want you to know how much I love you, that you’ve given a meaning to my life that I had no right to expect, that no one can ever take from me.

Susan Parrish: Dad…

William Parrish: No! I love you so much. And I want you to promise me something. I don’t want you to ever worry about me. And if anything should happen, I’m gonna be okay. And everything’s gonna be all right. And I have no regrets. And I want you to feel the same way.

Susan Parrish: I love you, Daddy.

William Parrish: That’s why it’s okay.

―Meet Joe Black

[Watching the fireworks above the party before they depart]

William Parrish: It’s hard to let go, isn’t it?

Joe Black: Yes it is, Bill.

William Parrish: And that’s life… what can I tell you.

―Meet Joe Black

Joe Black: I don’t care Bill. I love her.

William Parrish: How perfect for you - to take whatever you want because it pleases you. That’s not love.

Joe Black: Then what is it?

William Parrish: Some aimless infatuation which, for the moment, you feel like indulging - it’s missing everything that matters.

Joe Black: Which is what?

William Parrish: Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love.

Joe Black: So that’s what love is according to William Parrish?

William Parrish: Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I’m talking about.

Joe Black: Those were my words.

William Parrish: They’re mine now.

―Meet Joe Black 

[hitchhikerwithoutguide]

maybe tw suicide but im not suicidal!!! dont worry pls

I think that, for me, it was easier to feel suicidal as a teenager. I often felt alone and isolated, even if it was often self-isolation. I felt misunderstood because the concept of other people having feelings and thoughts wasn’t a certain one. I could only ever be one hundred percent sure of my own feelings, right?

My depression doesn’t have a cause or anything, it never had though things that happened to me throughout my life did affect it, make it worse. But there wasn’t a big event that came down upon me saying, “suffer for the rest of your life!”, and I think that’s really what it’s like for a lot of people. That you don’t know what caused it.

Kids and teenagers also don’t really have a concept of the future. I think the teen-years are the dog years of humans, because everything happens right in this moment and how can I possibly think about what to do in five years when my body is changing, friends are changing and the world is getting so much bigger by the day. I read somewhere that kids and teens don’t understand the concept of the future. I don’t remember where. But it makes so much sense. It’s probably a fact, I’m stating it as a fact.

This also means that, at least for me in my teens, I didn’t understand that things could change for the better. Once it got bad I immediately closed the door and went “yeah this is the rest of my days now.” My depression is chronic and won’t go away, the doctors have stated it and I accepted it as a fact long ago. But I’m better. But as a teen I thought I’d either get cured or I was doomed. I’d die unloved. I had nothing to live for because I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. I had nothing to live for because the idea of the future was so absurd, bizarre, alien to me that... it wasn’t even real.

I wouldn’t say I’m an adult now, and I still feel like a teenager some times. But in a few certain ways I know I’m older. I’m currently in a bad place, a physically bad place which is extremely rare for me. This is just the second time I can remember, and it’s much worse than the first time. The first time I just sort of slept through the worst of it. But now I’m scared. I know this won’t kill me, it’s not that serious. But I’m still scared. As a teenager I would probably have thought, “fuck this I can’t live like this anymore, it’s not worth it”. But now I’m thinking... There are so many things I have to do. Things I need to experience. I can also feel other people’s emotions in a different way, I know my mother is worried, not because she’s supposed to be or because she says she is, but because I can see it in her body language, her eyes and expression.

I want to live because of the future. My future. I want to see what kind of art I make in a few years. If I got into the school I want to go to. And I think that’s what really changed from my teenage years. Not that I beat depression or got cured, but that I view the future differently. Or because I see the future. I don’t only think about how miserable I am at the moment, and god I am truly miserable.

[rainbowbarnacle]

Anon says:

I am. So fucking frustrated. So backstory: joint problems since young child, getting worse, saw chiropractor and got notably better but have slowly been declining since then. But doctors dont take me seriously because i am young. Even though i get pain that makes me grimace and grit my teeth and pain grin. But wierdly i get pain that actually gets worse when i am still and better when i move-very intense when still. I just. Am so so anxious. That its going to be something terrible

I do not remember exactly what was in part 2, but i think it was something about that i was really worried about the fact im seeing a neuro orthopedist over the summer and im so anxious because what if its something terrible, i want to be a zookeeper and thats hard to do with bad joints, but also what if they just blow me off as being a wuss. I am just so nervous. So many what ifs. anyway. Youre lovely and i needed to vent and ask for advice and i just. Your blog makes me happy. And i figured you might have good advice. Thank you have a lovely day

HI ANON, first off I am so freaking sorry it took me so long to answer this. My brain has been a squashed pancake all week. x_x 

God I sympathize so hard, though. Having something wrong with you and then having it be something that’s hard to diagnose completely sucks. I mean, I only figured out that what I had going on with me was in fact chronic fatigue syndrome fairly recently, and I’ve been putting up with this crap since I was a kid.

I’m not all that familiar with joint problems, but from what you’ve described, this is definitely something that warrants checking out, and any doctor that brushes you off for being young isn’t doing their job very well. What you’re going through sounds pretty dang miserable, and if there’s anything that can be done to help treat it, you are more than entitled to receive that care, period.

I have friends with joint problems and chronic pain, and while there’s not a 100% cure for these things, the medication they take does wonders for helping them--like, it doesn’t take away all the pain, but it lets them do miraculous things that they wouldn’t be able to even think about without their meds.

As for your ambitions to be a zookeeper--I think it sounds perfectly doable, especially if you’re prescribed some meds that work for you. I mean, some bosses are going to be abelist jerks, and I can’t predict the future (if only!) and say “oh your boss will be fine, don’t worry” but I think if you’re open with them from the beginning about your joints and show them a writeup from your doctor, I really don’t think they’re gonna think you’re “wussing out”, because it’s obvious that you’re well informed about things and you’re doing the best that you can. And it’s possible they might be able to set up accommodations somehow--see what their policies are when you look for the job.

And maybe it’ll turn out that you can’t do the exact job you want, but you can nab something similarly zoo-related, who knows! But what you want is not an unattainable dream by any means.

Now, as to whether or not this is something terrible--as crappy as these symptoms are, I don’t know if you have enough information to validate this particular worry. I can say that even if it’s the absolute worst case scenario, at least you’ll know what’s going on and you can make a plan from there. It doesn’t mean that all the things you want to do in your life are automatically canceled. Your life won’t be over, and you’ll still be you.

For right now, though, my advice to you is to do your best to put that "what if it’s something terrible” thought in a mental box. Cover it with duct tape and chains. Put the box in another box, cover that box with barbed wire, and then put that box in a closet, and lock the closet with a deadbolt, and leave it there until you have more information as to what’s causing this. I’m not saying don’t think about it, because that makes it impossible to anything but think about it--just put it away for right now. Let it be over there. You don’t need it yet, it can stay where you put it.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you, anon. <3 Feel free to keep me posted.

And hey readers, if you have any advice that might help anon, feel free to add on to this!