#funny note i don't think i've ever expressly stated my age here until now lmao

[jade-of-mourning]

you know, it's absolutely wild to me that i first started publishing if she seems as lonely as me exactly three years ago. i was fourteen, the same age as the girl i was writing the perspective of, and nervous as all shit because i wanted it to be good so badly. i had literally never even been to high school at that point. i remember having exchanges with one of the few people i still talked to at the time, saying that i wasn't sure if i should even bother posting because i didn't think i had it in me to finish, because being alone all the time kind of wrought a weird tiredness upon me. and she encouraged me to just go ahead, because what the hell it's the internet, who cares — so i did! and i reread that four-month toil recently out of curiosity, and…

well, it held up better than i'd ever expected at the time haha. i genuinely thought that i would thoroughly hate it after less than a year, referring to it as teenage angst; but three years later, i find myself surprisingly fond. and yeah, in retrospect: there's a fair amount of cliche and coincidence and plot convenience in it that, if i were ever to rewrite it, i would probably shift to be more realistic. and after having actually been in high school for the past couple years, i know that high school life is not as empty and devoid of activity as i was portraying it to be. there's questionable word choices because i was absolutely the sort to write words based on their vibe alone, not on the actual definition, and sometimes the phrasing was clunky. but all in all, i'm actually kind of impressed with the emotional sincerity in my fourteen/fifteen year old self's complicated portrayal of bitterness and grief and healing, with not so many straightforward words.

and the most wild part to me is that there's a lot of people who enjoyed it and found meaning in it, back when i was still writing it and three years down the line. there are so many kind and heartfelt comments throughout its chapters that always make my heart flutter when i read them, and i still get them even now. it has 800 bookmarks in 2024 and that is genuinely insane to me every time i stop and try to visualize that as a room of people — 800 people who enjoyed it enough to mark it down and maybe return to one day.

despite its copious flaws, it's still probably the best thing i've created and completed as a whole in my relatively short time on this planet. and while i really do hope to surpass that soon as i slowly get back into writing and drawing, it'll always have a special place in my heart as the biggest 60k-accomplishment of my pandemic-ridden freshman self, who was trying very hard and didn't know shit. (i still don't know shit, which makes writing hard at times, but my current self puts somewhat more effort into learning during the process of writing.)