#funnily enough I also used to climb up on the counters a lot though it was often to fetch things from the top shelf I couldn't reach

[bh944]

2018 Honda Fit Sport 6MT Review

By Bradley Harris

So I'll admit... I ended up getting behind the wheel of my Lunar Silver 2018 Honda Fit Sport rather unexpectedly. I wasn't even totally sure about getting a new (to me) car, as I had no down payment, and have recently been making the majority of my income from Uber, which is a hard gig to get financing approval on. However, I got an email from a Honda dealer advertising financing for all, so I decided to give it a try at least.

When I arrived, I specified that if at all possible, I'd like a car with a manual transmission. As luck would have it, the only manual car available was a slightly used Fit Sport. After a quick test drive, I liked the look and was rather impressed with the transmission and unexpectedly peppy pickup, the space, and the Android Auto integration. On top of that, the dealer was willing to give me some time with the car to earn the down payment with Uber, so I said, "Let's make this deal happen!" As it turns out, I couldn't imagine many other cars making me happier to drive it with Uber than this car, and really, it is simply a solid automotive value - period.

In terms of exterior styling, I rather like the car a lot. This is where the "Sport" trim moniker makes the most impact, as exterior aesthetic upgrades are the only changes Honda made in creating the Sport trim, other than adding contrasting orange stitching to the otherwise very very black interior, which at least has varied textures and some metallic finishes to keep it from looking like a black hole of plastic. Honda added sporty-looking front and rear bumper caps with orange trim lines, as well as sill extensions, a roof spoiler, and gloss black wheels to achieve a sportier look, and by most accounts, it's successful. I've received a few compliments on the look of the car.

Overall, "Fit" is perhaps the most apropos name Honda could have given this car. It's diminutive dimensions, at 161.8 inches long, 67 inches wide, and 60 inches tall mean that it can fit in even some of the tightest parking spaces without issue, making it ideal for impacted parking areas in urban environs. Don't let its small size fool you, though, as its capacious interior, assisted by that 60 inch height, has 39.5 inches of headroom in the front seats and 37.5 inches in the rear, 41.4 inches of front / 39.3 inches of rear legroom, and 54.8 inches of front / 52.6 inches of rear shoulder room. I've regularly had people 6' - 6'2" sit in the front seat without complaint with someone comfortably seated behind them that was anywhere from 5'2" to 5'9". I myself, at 5'10", find the Fit accommodates me quite well seated behind myself, with 3 inches of additional kneeroom between me and the front seat no less! A very regular comment I get is, "Wow! What car is this again? It's so roomy in here!" Honda's designers and engineers have achieved nothing short of a small miracle getting so much space from such compact dimensions.

In terms of luggage space, it has 16.6 cubic feet with the "Magic Seat" second row up and 52.7 cubic feet with it down, so called magic because with one pull of the lever located on the back of each section of the 60/40 split folding seat, the seat goes down in one fell swoop to create a totally flat rear load floor. For reference, that 16.6 cubes of space with the seat up is as much as you'll get in the trunk of most mid-size family sedans, including Honda's own Accord, at 16.7 cubic feet, and it's incredibly useable, with only minor intrusions from the spaces for the rear shocks. I once helped an Uber rider cart home 7 large plants from Home Depot, folding the 60 section of the Magic Seat to accomodate it all. We both were impressed. (Funnily enough, she chose to ride in the 40 section of the seat in the second row amidst her small forest, rather than ride shotgun, because it would be weird sitting up front I guess... 😂)

All the controls and instruments fall easily at hand, and honestly, it's an intuitive and easy cabin to figure out. One niggle I've found, though, is that the center armrest is quite small and a bit low for my liking, which is too low for my right arm when not busy steering or shifting. Also, the only item I thus far have needed to reference the owner's manual for is the infotainment system. While I've not tested the old head unit with the digital adjustment for volume which was much maligned, the volume knob/power button is the only hard control for infotainment aside from the brightness button. Overall, it's a pretty easy-to-use system, but figuring out the display screen options was a bit of a head scratcher, even after I referred to the manual. It took some digging in online forums for me to finally understand how that part works, which is a frustration which shouldn't be the case, but which in the grand scheme, isn't all that huge.

The last niggle, and this is a rather large one, is that the system can be quite glitchy from time to time. I'll be driving, and the Android Auto will cut out saying my phone isn't compatible with Android Auto (me thinking, "Aaaaaaaaall of a sudden"). This one isn't much of a bother, as it just takes a quick unplug/replug of the cable into the phone to fix it. The bigger problem is that the system will completely shutdown at random, not often, but often enough that I've begun to think it has a mind of its own. Worse, it takes the system around 2-3 minutes to completely reboot and start up again, during which a lot of navigating would have needed to happen, and the silence which it creates can be defeaning when Uber riders are onboard. Thankfully, Android Auto does pickup the slack on the device at times, continuing to announce directions from it, and if it doesn't, the Uber app is showing the route as well. The system's excuse that it suddenly lost power is invalid, however, as this mishap happens most while in motion, and it's something Honda needs to address.

As for positives of the infotainment, while I don't have an iPhone to test Apple Carplay integration, the Android Auto integration is👌🏼. One can stream from any audio source on their phone when using Android Auto, and Google Maps is better than almost any nav system an automaker could integrate into the system. What's even neater is that with my Uber app set to navigate from Google maps, when I hit navigate in the driver app, it pulls up on Google maps in the center stack screen and starts navigating with only a second or two load time.

The upgraded audio available with the Sport and above, at 6 channels (two tweeters near the base of the windshield, and one full range speaker in each of the 4 doors) and 180 watts of total output, is rather decent for a car in this class, and can reach up in volume with little sound distortion aside from some bass muddiness. It has adequate connectivity too, with streaming Bluetooth audio as well as a USB port and 12V outlet lower in the center stack above a bin just behind the cupholders where one can store their phone. An additional outlet and USB port are in the center console. No AUX outlet means easy switching between your device and a passenger's for audio source duty isn't easily possible, though in most cases I think many will find that a plus. Additionally, there are no charging ports behind the console for the second row.

For everyday driving duty, the audio system is more than adequate for most, though if you're someone like me who LOVES the music they listen to, you'll want to upgrade this system beyond what Honda can give you at this price point. Price considered though, the system is quite good.

The shifter, which is leather covered and stitched like a baseball (nice touch!) in the aforementioned contrasting orange (same as the sturdily-upholstered cloth seats and steering wheel for added sporty appeal), falls easily at hand, fitting in the palm beautifully and comfortably. So does the leather-lined three-spoke steering wheel, which feels nice to hold, has just the right diameter, and contains easy to use controls for cruise control, audio, and Bluetooth phone functions.

The rev counter and speedometer are analog and are very legible, while there's a digital gauge for fuel economy and fuel tank level which also shows the odometer, trip information, fuel range, and a few other useful data points. The fuel economy gauge is fun to play with as you monitor accelerator usage, and there are lights next to the speedometer that change from blue to green as revs climb, fitting with the name "Earth Dreams" Honda has given to its latest set of engine tech. I personally feel adding a red light as one approached redline would be a nice-to-have addition, especially since this is the "Sport" model.

There's actually quite a copious number of beverage holders, with a spot for bottles on each of the four doors, as well as two reasonably-sized cup holders ahead of the shifter, and one cup holder that expands out of the dash up at the drivers left side near the air vent. That placement is very very convenient, I've found.

One last note on the cabin. Build quality is stellar! Panel gaps and trim fittings are all tight, and after about 18,000 miles of driving, there's been no squeaks, rattles, or other untoward noises.

Soooooo, finally, how does it drive?

Competent. Very competent. Its responses are mostly well-controlled, with quick, responsive steering and a composed ride quality; though, as can be expected for a car in this price range, sharp impacts are heard and felt, and there is a bit of float and flopping over on quick transitions that I wish the "Sport" moniker could have dialed out. Also, the rear end will stutter and skip a bit on broken pavement when near the limits of the tires' adhesion, thanks to its torsion-beam rear axle. As it is, all suspension and mechanical settings are the same across the board for the Fit from trim to trim. The steering is relatively numb, though there is a tiny bit of feedback coming through the steering right at the limit. You can feel the tires begin to break traction and push into understeer, but the buildup to that is quiet, as is the case with most electric steering setups these days. A bit of lift throttle will quickly reign in the front end, which otherwise will generally go where it's pointed with precision. The short wheelbase really helps with making the car lithe and responsive, as does it's low 2,648-pound weight.

The shifter is mostly a joy to work, with silken glides from gate to gate and a solid, mechanical feel as it enters the gear. However, from time to time, the shifts can get a touch balky, and even refuse to enter the gate, which necesitates a full clutch out/in to get it to cooperate. Pedal placement is also great for whether you heal-and-toe or not.

Overall, though, the Fit is a relatively slow car that can be quite fun to drive fast, as its limits are within reach on the street and can be explored without necessarily endangering your license. Freeway onramps become your skidpad, and feeling the 1.5 liter's i-VTEC cam changeover as you reach freeway speeds in the upper range reminds you why anybody makes a big deal about it. There's a noticeable increase in acceleration as it happens, at you really feel every one of its 128 horsepower working. It's acceleration, while not breathtaking, is surprisingly peppy. It has a rather delightful VTEC song, too, with a full induction sound that will give you flashbacks of some of Honda's greatest engines.

In terms of fuel economy, this little machine is a sweetheart. It's EPA-rated at 29 city / 36 highway / 31 combined, and in mixed driving, I'm getting anywhere between 32 and 35. Plus, with just a 10.6 gallon tank, I'm super happy paying only about $26 per fillup of 87 octane at current prices in my area hovering around $3.19. As an Uber driver, this kind of fuel economy/cost are a boon, as it means I can make a lot more money from each tank than I can in many other vehicles, and the expense doesn't cut too much into the profit.

The Sport trim includes none of the Honda Sensing suite of safety tech available on the EX and EX-L, but being an enthusiast, I personally don't want or miss any of it. While there are many consumers who find comfort in the extra safety, there's just no replacement for good driving, and I find that this car, with a manual, is great car for honing one's skills to become a better driver for everyone. The tall greenhouse on the Fit means that sightlines all around are phenomenal. A camera checking my blind spots would be redundant, as doing it in this car is easy to do myself. With my hands full between the shifter and steering and my feet with the pedals, my attention is squarely on my driving, and it makes me very aware of what I'm doing and how I can do it better. There's no room for distracted driving!

Honda has built a real winner with the Fit, and despite the Sport trim only looking sportier than its other trims, its driving dynamics, while not outright sporty, are at least composed enough to be fun in between serving commute duties. With a mixture of space, versatility (+1 for the hatchback), economy, and infotainment tech, the Fit Sport is a great car for enthusiasts on a budget who must make some compromises for life. Commuters on a budget will find they had to compromise very little, if at all, with the Fit, and with the extra safety tech of upper trims and niceties like leather, heated front seats, and a moonroof, the Fit is capable of fit-ting most people's needs and lifestyles very, very well at a price that won't break the bank.

[so-basically-we-just]

The End

Chapter 48

By the time I heard Harry’s footsteps padding around in the bedroom, I had pancakes on the stove, fresh fruit cut on the countertop, orange juice poured into glasses and fresh muffins in the oven.

I was doing my very best to keeping moving, to come alive, to come back, and this was the only way I knew how. The scotch bottle had been hidden back away and I’d showered off the grime of deceit that it left on my skin.

“Good morning” I heard him murmur behind me, almost tentatively, and when I spun around from the frying pan, he stood on the other side of the counter, watching me, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt clearly fresh from a shower, which it looked like he needed, because despite my best wishes he still looked tired, deprived of much needed sleep. He appeared too scared to come around the bench, to approach me, as if I was some kind of animal that needed to remain behind a barbed wire fence and not the girl he had had his hands all over only the night before.

I could see though that, he was waiting to see how I would react now that the dark had turned to light. “Morning” I murmured back, the words quiet, yet calm, the anger of the night before, had simmered, I could still feel it, but for now it was hidden by my mask.

“How are you feeling?” he asked finally rounding the counter.

“Like I’ve been hit by a train” I murmured, flipping yet more pancakes onto plates. “But I’ve felt worse” I couldn’t meet his gaze, I didn’t know why, but a part of me was ashamed of the night before.

“Sit down, it’s nearly ready”. He sat watching me with an intensity in his gaze and a furrowed brow, that came from a boy who liked to have things figured out. Who threw books against walls when he couldn’t.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on now?” his tone was fed up. I got the feeling he had been thinking a lot, too much, over what all this meant. Just as much as I had perhaps, though I was sure our thoughts ran in different circles.

I didn’t say anything. I finished what I was doing, took the muffins out of the oven, placed butter and syrup in front of him, poured coffee, placed milk, made sure everything was perfect, and then sat at his side, ready to let it all unravel.

----------------------------------------------------

“She’s going into renal failure, it’s a side effect of the chemo, particularly in children, the body can’t handle the poison being pumping into it, she needs a kidney” I could still see the yellowy tone of her skin last night, that instant recognition when I had seen her. I knew right then. I felt that compulsion, that feeling that day at the train, the abyss, that same one that had looped a rope around my waist and pulled me so desperately towards it last night.

“A kidney” he murmured, his empty fork in his hand, not even coming in close proximity with his food.

“And she doesn’t want mine”

“You’d really just jump up and give her one” his eyes were piercing the side of my face as I ate my food. It was something to do, something to stop me fixing, something to prevent me from talking.

I didn’t answer him, I didn’t need to, he knew the answer to what he was saying. “What are you going to do?” he asked instead, when no answer came

“What can I do?” I quipped back, with a sharp bite that was out of my control.

“She’s thirteen Amelia, can’t you just make her take it, her parents will want you to” it was infuriating how simple he made it sound, because of course that was the easy solution, that was the right thing to do, that would fix all of this, I would just give her the kidney, much to her protests.

It occurred to me that perhaps Eliza thought that was just what I would do. Both her and Heather were rather aware I supposed of how irrational I tended to be when it came to her. How little I cared for myself when it came to her life. It was why Heather had been so surprised, so angry, why Eliza had looked at me with so much pity. They knew. They knew that it was easier for me to be irrational than rational. And maybe so did Harry. But this was different, this was far more about me than any of them knew. And I knew that when it came down to it that was the source of my anger, more than any other kind of frustration it always came back to that moment, beneath the water.

“It won’t matter if she doesn’t want it, it won’t matter” I murmured knowing that wasn’t going to be enough but doing my best to compose the words carefully so as not lose my temper. I was not justifying myself to an enemy here, I was trying to explain the tangle of my heartstrings to someone who cared.

“If she doesn’t want to live, if she has given up in her mind, I could give her a thousand kidneys, I could drain the blood from my body and give her every drop, but it won’t matter. She will still die. The mind is a powerful thing and Eliza is not naive. She understands what she is doing, she understands death and she has been fighting for a long time. I understand that, even if her parents don’t” I think Harry could feel me slipping away, because his hand came over my forearm which rested on the bench in that moment, as if just like last night, he was trying to use his touch to pull me back. As soon as I felt the warmth of his fingerprint, the tear pricked at my eyes like he was pulling the trigger on a gun and the salty water was the release.

He didn’t say anything and so we ate in silence. The pancakes were really good. Funnily enough the food was always better when I was in pain.

When we were finished, in silence, I got up and began the cleanup of my kitchen, scooping muffins out of the tray, and soaking the frying pan. I don’t know what it was, maybe it was the smell, that sugary banana aroma coming out of the tray, and a moment on a countertop when my grandmother told me to never assume anything was as it seemed, but I faltered, my muscles, giving in, my bones feeling as if they were shattering within my very limbs. I dipped my head, overcome, taking hold of the edge of the countertop to steady myself, as the full earth shattering weight of why I had just spoken to Harry came crashing down all around me.

“I understand why you’re as attached to her as you are, why you do what you do, she’s enchanting” Harry murmured, still in his chair. It was unlike him, he usually tried to ease tension with his hands but in that moment instead he chose his words. Changing the subject, slightly, bringing me around to him, to smiles, to the two of them laughing, I couldn’t now remember if it was a memory or just my imagination.

“What did you two talk about?” I asked pulling myself together enough to look up at him a grim smile on his face, as if he too was doing his best to loosen his frayed nerves.

“You mostly” he said, something coming close to a smile coming across his face.

“Whatever she told you, it’s not true” I quipped, regaining my composure and going back to stacking dishes.

“She thinks you’re wonderful” he got up, picking up his own dishes and coming to help me.

“See not true” he didn’t reply to my humourless, self-deprecating comment, instead he took the glasses out of my hands and pulled me into his arms, wrapping himself all the way around me, smothering me with his scent, the earth sweetness, my soap, the richness of his cologne.

I wilted once again in his arms, I allowed the weight to press me down, when there was someone there to catch me.

“I don’t know how but we will get through this” he whispered, his lips coming to the top of my head as I took great comfort in his touch. For just a moment I needed to let go, I needed to not be trying so hard, I needed to not need my strength. I needed to not feel like I was about to fall off the edge at any moment. And in that moment I didn’t.

“Oh how terrible to love something that can be touched by death” I murmured Sylvia Plath beneath my breath because I knew, just because what I was about to do was the right thing, the only option at this point, didn’t mean it was going to be easy.

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The hospital was back to its bustling best by the time we walked back through its glass doors and spotlessly clean waiting room. The nurses were back to carving up the hallways with their long stride and concealing smiles, behind the doors you could hear the murmur of voices and trickle of children’s laughter.

It was like the night before never happened, that part of my brain, that part that was holding fast to its denial, almost believed that it hadn’t. That hospital and this hospital were different places. They had to be.

Gale stood alone at the nurse’s station filling out paperwork, her white lab coat hugging her back and her hair back in its harsh ponytail, her softness from the night before also left there in the quiet.

I felt like climbing out of my own skin as we approached her, like turning around and running far, a long way away, to Neverland perhaps, I would make a good Wendy.

“You go see her, I’ll be just a minute” I murmured to Harry, who gave me a nod of understanding before wandering away.

Something was troubling him, that much I could tell. Ever since the night before, that short one sided conversation in my living room, he had been keeping me at arms length, even this morning hadn’t felt quite right. But I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, I didn’t have the time to scope it out, I was too preoccupied by the problem at hand, by the crumbling remains of my life. I was hoping it was just despair, his way of coming to terms with losing the girl he had only just met, but I had a feeling it was more. Whatever it was he had clearly decided now was not to the time to bring it up and for that I was grateful. That little tightly wound ball of anger still sat somewhere low in my stomach and I knew that he was first in line to receive its blunt blows if I didn’t keep it under control.

“You look like I feel” Gale greeted me, instead of hello, a grimace marking her face, her eyes betraying her lack of sleep as she leaned over the counter clearly grateful for its support. I knew I too must’ve looked awful. I hadn’t slept at all and I knew at times I was guilty of letting pain pull at all the features of my face, making it contorted, marked somehow.

We were silent for a moment, I wasn’t going to validate her greeting with a response, I was far too focussed on what I was about to say. “You don’t have to say it Amelia” she whispered finally placing her hand over top of mine, a sympathetic gesture if nothing else. My face must have been worse than I thought.

“You know I want to” I murmured, trying to justify myself.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me hun, I have known you for three months and all I have learned about you in that time is that there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do for that girl” there was a hard edge to her stare, as our eyes met, that told me I was not allowed to beat myself up for this. That she understood. But I kept going.

“I can’t watch her suffer anymore and I can’t insist on keeping her alive for me or her parents, or anyone, not when she doesn’t want to, when she doesn’t have it in her to fight anymore” I reiterated what I had said to Harry this morning

“You know last night when Heather said she was going to call you in I thought I was going to have to hold you back from that operating table, that I was going to have sit you down and make you think seriously about consequences of this one, for you, and for Eliza, I’m most surprised that this is the conclusion you’ve come to yourself” she was watching me now with a curious gaze. I think she wanted to know the truth, to be sure of what she already suspected.

“Eliza asked” the two words bit hard, made me clench every muscle in my body and then release with the hardest of blows, like someone was winding me.

“Eliza asked you what” Heather’s voice cut through the air somewhere behind me, sending a chill down my spine. Hers was the last voice I wanted to hear. I had hoped to put off telling her this, telling her that I wouldn’t donate her daughter a vital organ, for as long as possible, I was hoping even more that Gale would take the burden off my hands, particularly after last night, and the vicious words we had thrown back and forth at each other. This was going to hurt. Like ripping off a band aid, one that was entrenched in your skin.

“If she could wait to have her CT scan until after Harry and I go” I lied through my teeth, luckily I was pretty good at. I knew from the way she had gone about it, that Eliza didn’t want her parents to know the truth. I had told Gale because I knew I could trust her, but I had no intention of telling Heather and Mason, not just for Eliza’s sake, I didn’t want to see them get hurt anymore than she did.

“I don’t think that now is the right time to have him around Amelia, he gets her all excited and she needs to be conserving energy”

“I would say considering the circumstances now is the perfect time to have him around, she needs cheering up, and she has waited a long time to meet him” I was working incredibly hard to not get angry, to not lash out at her, to keep my voice even and constrained, I could not let what happened last night happen again and I would not let myself match her vindictive tone. I had to come across rational here if I really was going to say what I was about to say.

“Well she needs to have her CT scan as soon as possible, as will you I imagine” and there it was, the bullet. Gale remained silent, behind me, keeping the truth locked behind her lips. Heather was clearly viewing my hesitancy the night before as a brief moment of weakness on my part, her certainty returning that I would save her daughter’s life. I guessed she couldn’t afford to doubt it.

As Mason joined us, car keys in hand, his features looking long and drawn I wondered how I was actually going to say the next words out loud.

“Heather” I looked over the woman, the housewife, with her brown hair pulled back into a sophisticated knot, her complexion clear, every line and wrinkle covered and neatly kept, her blouse, floral, buttoned up high and tucked into a navy pencil skirt, her heels brown, shiny and obviously expensive. Even today there was not a hair out of place as her worst nightmare came to fruition.

“I’m not giving Eliza my kidney” I could no longer take the words back, could not change my mind, they were stuck there now, in the air, the future laid out for us, the path clear, leading to a cliff, we were all ready to throw ourselves off.

She didn’t react, she didn’t move, her lips remained pinched together, in the sour expression she had been giving me since I arrived. However I couldn’t help but glance over her to see Mason turning as white as a sheet.

“Well then you can go” her words were different than before, cold, emotionless, sharp, pricking my skin.

“Excuse me” I murmured, a little stunned myself. I had expected something different, anger, tears, well mostly anger, but something else. I was trying to think of a way to explain myself, to justify myself, just like I had done with Gale, except this time rather than telling the truth I knew I was going to have to lie.

“I said you can go, you and that troublemaking boyfriend of yours and you can leave and I don’t want to see you here again” my shock was very quickly moving towards anger, and I had to use a deep breath in to push it back down.

“Heather” I started, trying to come up with something, anything to say. The only thing worse than watching my best friend die, would be not watching my best friend die, but know she was dying anyway. I didn’t get a chance to say anything however.

“No I made an effort, I made an effort to make you a part of this family, to make you feel like you had a home with us, a sister to Eliza after everything we’d been through, but it seems you have better options now” I flinched at the reference to Harry, though I wasn’t sure why. “And clearly you never meant anything you said as a part of this family so I want you out now” I could feel the tears prick my eyes but I didn’t stop staring at her I couldn’t look away. Couldn’t stop watching as the carefully composed, the ultimately contrived, unravelled in a scene in front of me.

I knew she didn’t know the whole story. Knew what she was saying wasn’t true. And even she can’t have believed it she was just hurt and needed someone to blame, and I was happy to be that person, I knew I had to be that person for her, even if I had no one to be that person for me, but it still killed something inside of me to hear her say it. To know that she thought so little of me. That after all this time whatever she had said at the end of the day I was still just a donor to her.

Mason stood stony faced behind her, not saying a word, though I noticed his hand come to her shoulder, in the same way that I could feel Gale’s hand covering my own which still lay on the counter. I wasn’t strong enough for this, I thought, I wasn’t strong enough to do this. I had barely been strong enough to walk through those hospital doors, to enter this spotless arena of life and death, to get out of the armchair this morning and act like life was still worth living. I was worried now I was going to fall in a heap to the floor because surely something had to give.

I didn’t though somehow I kept standing as her callus eyes gazed over me. I still struggled to find words, to speak. Surprisingly it was Gale who spoke next. “I don’t think that’s fair, Amelia would do anything for Eliza and you know that” her voice was calm and rational, exactly what it needed to be. She had a level head and she knew the truth, more than even I did. She knew the outcome for Eliza either way, whether I donated or not, and I had a feeling neither way looked better than the other.

“Except save her life apparently” her voice now was more bitter than angry. The words stung so deep I felt like I had been knifed. And not once but over and over and over again. It wouldn’t end. Because even though I had justified it, her words were the truth.

When I finally found, once again, the mechanism to speak, my words were calmer and more thoughtful than I could’ve hoped for, like I’d hoped I seemed rational compared to Heather’s anger and bitterness and Mason’s silence.

“I’m not saving her life Heather, I’m prolonging it, I have been for a while now, for me and for you but not for her. I would give anything to see her get better, to see her have a normal life, but she’s not going to get better, she’s not getting better, she hasn’t been for a while now, and instead of seeing that vibrant girl who used to run around and plan out stories and adventures, I spend every day with a little girl who is tired and sad, who lives in between life and death, whose dreams for the future have evaporated because she has come to the realisation that her future is not limitless”

I wasn’t sure if even I had realized the truth behind my words until I was saying them. All that I had realized last night once the last of the denial had washed away was now sitting on the edge of my tongue waiting to cut a happy family apart.

“I don’t think that it will matter whether I give her a kidney or not, she won’t survive because she doesn’t really want to. I am doing this because I love her more than anything” the tears were back. “And I am more than just the blood bag you see me as, I am her best friend and I will be here at her side for as long as she wants me there” I took my hand out from under Gale’s and pulled together what was left of my strength to walk away, not intending to wait for a response.

As I turned towards Eliza’s room I could see Harry there, just outside the door, watching us closely, and I knew he had heard every word that was said. He looked rattled as we made eye contact, but that same stabilizing warmth he had held in all the time we had been together was still there, pulling me towards him.

“You will go, because we have asked you to, we have the right to do that as her parents, and you won’t come back until we say you can. I don’t care what your reasons are for doing this, we are her parents and we need to spend some time with our daughter” I did not expect the bitter hard pressed words that came from Mason’s mouth, as he said them I stared at my shoes feeling like a ten year old getting told off for going through her mother’s things.

I spun back around to them. Heather was clearly still in shock from my speech but Mason appeared to be composing himself as the head of a shattered family and I knew as we finally locked eyes that I would be stupid to argue. I simply nodded.

“I’ll just say goodbye” I murmured before turning back around again to see that Harry had gone, disappeared back into the room.

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I followed him, every step feeling as if someone had filled my boots with lead, bullets hitting my back, propelled by watchful eyes as I finally stepped into the room and out of sight.

She was still yellow, her eyes were wide and dark, darker than they should be, her lips had slipped away, her hair neatly tucked in a white scarf, her purple duvet pulled up around her arm pits. This was what I was fighting so hard for. This.

Harry was whispering to her fast, his hands clutching the edge of the bed, his curls falling in a shaggy, uncontrollable mess around his head. I realised he was recalling to her scene that had just taken place in the hall.

“Ellie you can’t go, I won’t let them do this” she said, strongly, as she noticed my entrance, staring at me, as I stood, lifeless and dumbfounded in her doorway, stuck now in a moment I had always hoped to avoid. In a moment I had lived to avoid. I knew she meant what she said but at that moment I didn’t care, nor did it really matter. Harry was watching me now too, clearly waiting to see what I would do next.

“Not today Eliza” I murmured over to her, finding my resolve from somewhere.

“They can’t make you leave, I’ll tell them the truth, this isn’t happening” I could see panic striking her features and as much as I wanted to take it away from her, I didn’t have anything left in me today.

“OK, but not today Ellie, I haven’t got any fight left in me today, and I can’t be here right now” I murmured through tears, I lent down to kiss her head, getting between her and Harry. This was why I was doing this and I had to hang on to that reason, that reason she had given me otherwise I was going to fall apart.

“I’m sorry Ellie” she whispered, her hand taking holding of my forearms in a weak kind of clutch, holding me to her.

“Give them a bit of time Eliza, they just need some time” I whispered before unhooking her white bony fingers and pulling away, unable to look at her as I walked back out the door.

I didn’t walk really, I strode away from her as fast as I possibly could, not looking up to see who might be watching me, not taking in anything, just striding forward with deep, equal breaths, trying to find some momentum trying to find something to take me forward other than the deep need to be away from her, I rounded the corner and found the family lounge, surprisingly empty, I ducked inside, finding the wall there to hold me up as I took deep breaths in and out, my anxiety getting the best of me.

Because she was the last person I ever wanted to turn my back on, but in that moment I just couldn’t find the strength to stay.

Chapter 49