#funfact: I like spicy food! The game I'm looking forward to playing is Celeste

[amberinn]

like a really fucked up post about my experience with bullying, that sort of shines some sort of light on my own viewpoint of acenico ?

Not like. Formatted or argued. I may be bad at essays. p much just traumadumping, whoops.

Tw: I'm not writing that rn, ill just do that later

Is anyone elses experience with bullying, when five people are surrounding you, insulting you, asking you questions you KNOW are to make you seem like you're stupid, like you're socially dense

siding with the bully, and playing along with the charade, answering those questions earnestly, mentally collapsing, physically attacking people (throwing pencil cases at them, pencils, trying to kick them in the groin, trying to punch them)

getting insulted, getting stolen from, sweating and being nervous trying to plead with the person who has stolen your project, to please, open up your bag, while the entire class stares at you, and he's smiling---

being a pushover, a doormat

not realising when your teachers are calling students retards, when they tell you all half of your class will not pass high school, when the math teacher is openly laughing at a boy, for getting a question wrong, asking him how he passed sixth class, when the teacher is yelling at you all, angry each lesson

that it's. god that it's wrong.

to do that, because how could it be? my ma does that.

ma stands in front of my doors and shouts and yells and blames me, insults me for hours.

ma did stuff like feed me lies about my aunt, angrily shout at me, and then do a 180° and tell me the prettiest, nicest, most heavenly things about her, that she was just lying to my face (I'm seven, and I'm----) that she was jealous, that I like her sister so much, because she's the one always taking care of me, she's my mom.

always feeling like you've messed up, asking your aunt if you were good, because you don't know what you're doing wrong, and why the other kids have peace and you don't.

Why have you turned out wrong?

The recluse? Why are you ostracized? Why are you isolated? No one else is.

It's your own fault, you should have been strong enough to defend yourself against the people harassing you.

It's not their fault, because they have free will and they've chosen to do that to you. It's your fault for not being strong enough, good enough, to take it, it's your own responsibility to not get harassed, you cannot defend yourself verbally.

You are weak, that's what's wrong. You can't tell your parents that you're getting bullied at school. You shouldn't. If they keep on insulting you, you'll learn to talk back

The hallucinations. Feeling your emotions snap out of you, as you become numb, going on auto pilot. Wanting to harm yourself for years, visibly losing yourself in imaginations, hanging by the neck in the class, so everyone could walk into school and see that they've hurt you.

a corpse bleeding out. the classroom ruined, so they could see that they've hurt you.

Going out of your way, killing your class. Watching as your teacher isn't going after you, as no one is going after you, because you've murdered someone, you're holding a dangerous weapon,

vividly imagining stealing a car, running away from the police, high speed. car crash, death.

dying. snapping your classmates neck.

suicide notes, over and over and over and over, blaming those people, just to hurt them, because fuck graduating, fuck not hitting them, fuck my future, I could die in 8th grade. I should die in 8th grade.

.....breathe in.

Getting told by your therapist, that if you've killed yourself, if you were hanging, or brutalised, a corpse in your previous class

No one would care, they'd laugh at your body.

The overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that surrounds you as you hear that, because you are truly defenseless. hurt. unable to get back at the people who've hurt you. for years.

The mistake.

The agression.

The choice to throw away your care, because the one thing you can save is yourself. If everything goes to shit, the only thing you can salvage is you.

If you don't care.

Then you can save at least one person. You.

Thinking that if you can make the choice, to have everyone else take your pain away, you'd do it

The shit you've done. The apathy at it all.

Constant masking, constantly needing to have everyone elses approval, to have people who are willing to look down upon your potential harassers.

Because if you're the victim, and everyone else sees you as the victim, and not the bug underneath their shoe to be squashed, then you have social pressure as your protection against the thing that's been haunting you for decades

Infiltrating the spaces of all those people, who you have seen as "normal" those who do not get bullied, those who aren't targets.

Always selling yourself as exactly that.