#fun fact: typing the phrase ''I'm a girl'' even in reference to my past self being wrong made me physically recoil away from the keyboard

[panhasablog]

31 days of trans visibility, days 1-3!

I highkey forgot it was March so I am late to start but this post has a great list of day-by-day prompts about transness to respond to leading up to Trans Day of Visibility so! Here we go!

Day 1: Make yourself known. Tell the world your name, age, and how you identify. Post a picture of yourself.

Greetings! I am Pan! Sixteen and a junior in high school! I'm transmasculine NB and I use they/them or he/him pronouns! I took that selfie lying on the floor in a penguin onsie. Pleased to make your acquaintance!

Day 2: Talk about your process of discovery and realization. How did you come to realize you were trans?

Well I've never been gender conforming. I've always kept my hair short, I wore briefs and swim trunks long before I questioned my gender, and I knew I didn't want boobs the second they started showing up. Like I was so convinced there was something horribly, horribly wrong with me that I made my mom take me to the doctor. I was "mistaken" for a boy pretty much all the time and I didn't really mind it. I kinda liked when people were confused about my gender. (Fun fact: I met one of my best friends in first grade when she asked if I was a boy or a girl. Little did she know that ten years later that answer would change.) I started thinking about gender more when I went into high school and midway through freshman year my stance was basically "yeah I'm a girl but whatever, I'm totally cool with it if people see me as a guy. Actually being seen as a guy is kinda fun." But I still wasn't actively questioning what my gender was, more like my relationship with it. I started questioning my gender shortly after I made a tumblr, which happened to be in March right before TDoV 2015 and this one mutual reblogged lots of trans folks' selfies and I went "there's so many genders?? Wow I had no idea. Wait seriously I can be these things??" So now knowing that not being a girl didn't mean I had to be all the way a boy I started really actively questioning my gender and I started seeing a therapist to help me work things out and help me come out because wow did I have zero self-advocacy capabilities two years ago. So she helped me with all that and actually funny story I came out as a demigirl initially. Wow was I off the mark. I've had a pretty gradual self-understanding transition away from femininity and towards masculinity and it wouldn't really surprise me if in another year it turns out I'm all the way a guy but here I am now just sort of maybe a guy. I got more comfortable with my masculinity over this summer after spending two weeks in French immersion during which I used masculine language because gender-neutral French is too confusing to be worth it. And that's basically where I'm at now, and this response is getting pretty long, so I'm sure I can elaborate on more in later days!

Day 3: Talk about coming out. Are you out? Who did you come out to first? How did the people in your life react?

Like I talked about above, I started by coming out to my parents, who had a lot of questions but were understanding and accepting, then to my brother, who just said "okay" and looked around awkwardly as we waited for him to say more. He had no more to say. Next I came out to one of my friends at the end of freshman year as we were running the mile in PE, and she also pretty much just went "okay." Lots of people were very chill about it which I appreciate. Then at the start of sophomore year was when I like officially Came Out in general. I came out to the rest of my friends by forgetting I wasn't out yet and complaining about locker rooms. "Not using the locker rooms is a pain," I complained. "Why don't you use the locker rooms?" asked my friend curiously. "Because I'm trans?" I answered, bewildered that she had to ask. "You're trans?" she replied. Welp. That's one way to do it. I also came out to my teachers over e-mail at the start of the year. They all tried, but for the most part did not use the right pronouns or notice when they misgendered me. Sigh. The exception to this is my French teacher, who was (and still is) pretty much the coolest. She helped me research gender-neutral French language, let me change my French name in a heartbeat, and has just generally been very supportive and awesome which is one of the many reasons I love her. Family has all been for the most part uncomprehending but accepting, with the exception of one uncle who flat-out told my mom he refused to call me they and was going to call me she but when we actually saw each other next he did call me they and in fact misgendered me much less than the rest of the extended family. Also one of my grandpas spent like five minutes trying to understand my transness followed by like three hours trying to understand my aceness, which I'd think would be a lot easier to understand, but I guess not!

I could keep talking, but I've written up a solid wall of text already, so I will see you all tomorrow!