#fun fact when I needed surgery some years ago I had to beg my dad to take me to the er behind my mom's back bc she insisted I was faking it

[televangelionist]

hello tumblr! life is very bad lately and I haven't been around much. how is everyone

[forever--darling]

not too far away - s.m. (part ten)

a/n: where the truth comes out 

warnings: 6k words of emotional conversations and secrets being revealed

X. cat’s out of the bag

her

Your dad stood tall as everyone stared at him. He looked nervous, you could tell by the way he kept wiping his sweaty palms on the back of his jeans. A soft smile pulled at his lips as he adjusted his button up on his chest. He sent you a look and even though you had a feeling that he was about to ruin everything you sent him an encouraging smile. He was going to get it all off his shoulders right now and let the truth surface during your once happy day. Everything you were scared to do was about to happen and instead of it being done by your hands it was going to be by your father’s. Clearly even at twenty years old, he wasn’t done taking care of you. 

“I just wanted to thank you all for coming to celebrate our little bug’s birthday, who clearly isn’t so little anymore,” he paused chuckling to himself, “In fact, she’s not. My girl is twenty today and what a lot of you probably don’t know is that we never thought we would see this day. Around four years ago, when Y/N was just sixteen, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She was going through surgeries and chemo and upon her request, we decided as a family to keep it from almost everyone we knew. Which means keeping it from all of you.” 

He was getting choked up and at this point, tears were gathering in your eyes and if anyone knew your dad he didn’t cry. He was a strong man who hated crying because he thought it made him weak. You had never seen your dad cry until you were diagnosed with cancer. After that, he became a machine that produced tears every few days. After you were cancer free and discharged though, that soft side and that crying Bradley Y/L/N went back to where it belonged. Inside of him. Now here he was resurfacing, except this time, he was being shown to not only your family but all of your closest friends. 

“I know this is probably hard to hear, trust me I understand. Hearing that your kid has cancer is probably the worst news any parent can hear and I’m sorry that we kept this from you. You are our closest friends and it was hard what we had to go through without any of your support. Some days seemed impossible but we managed and here we are almost a year after hospital visits and casual chemo appointments, Y/N is healthy again and back to being that bubbly ball of joy we all love. Since we are in the clear, I thought there was no point to keep this from all of you anymore. Today, I am standing here thankful for all of you and all the things you have done for my daughter and I am beyond thankful that I still have my beautiful little girl.” 

It was silent. It seemed no one knew what to say and you didn’t blame them. Besides your extended family who obviously knew about the condition you went through, all of your parents family friends and neighbors had not a clue. Even their very best friends Karen and Manny didn’t know. It was a knock to anyone’s chest who probably just found out that for four straight years you were sick and battling for your life and honestly thought that you had just been too busy for any of their time. It was a shock and you had a feeling the rest of the night would be spent with people coming up to you to talk about your bravery and strength. 

Your dad may have just ruined the rest of the night for everyone else because it all of a sudden had gone from being a lighthearted and fun birthday celebration to a confession about how you almost died. A part of you didn’t care though because your dad just put himself out there for you. He spoke from his heart and you loved him for it. 

Finally finding it in yourself to move, you walked over towards your dad and brought him into a tight hug. “I love you,” you said earnestly. 

“I love you so much,” he replied placing a kiss on your forehead. 

You smiled weakly as you pulled away turning to see all eyes on you. To some people, it was like they barely could look at you while others were desperate to hug and hold you. You sent a small look towards your mom and James before you walked away from your father towards the family that looked the most devastated. 

A sad smile graced Karen’s lips as she pulled you against her, “Oh honey, I am so sorry you had to go through that.” 

“No, I’m sorry. I should’ve told you instead of ignoring you guys all together. It’s just I knew you already had so much going on with Shawn leaving Pickering for the first time I didn’t think I should put any more stress on you,” you explained pulling back to look at her. 

“We understand, completely. It was your business and keeping it personal was your decision,” Karen said giving your hand a squeeze as her husband took your attention. 

Manny placed a hand on your shoulder, “Y/N, you’re such a strong girl and we are so relieved that you are okay.” 

Your shoulders dropped in relief and you offered them a large smile, “Thank you so much, for being so understanding.” 

They both nodded as you looked to their right, eyes falling onto the younger Mendes sibling. Aaliyah stood, eyes downcast on the ground, fingers fiddling against her stomach. A frown was etched across her face. Your hand reached out to grab her arm gently. 

“Aaliyah,” you sighed, “I’m sorry. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you and it killed me every day, that I couldn’t see you.” 

Before you could say any more, Aaliyah leaped forward pulling you into a tight hug. Her head found a place in your neck and you could feel her tears against your skin. “Thank you for not dying,” she cried. 

“Well I couldn’t leave you now, could I?” you replied, rubbing your hand up and down her back. 

Releasing her from the hug, with both your thumbs you wiped the tears from under her eyes. She smiled at you and instantly you felt a small amount of guilt. Your father had just admitted that you had beat cancer and that you were now fine but that wasn’t the case. You hadn’t beat cancer and all these people were relieved that you were alive and that you were okay but there was a chance that in a few days you might not be either of those things. 

You were a liar, you knew that because though your father may have told the truth he didn’t know the full truth. Your parents had no idea that you had gone to the doctor and no idea that you weren’t cancer free anymore. Though a little of the weight had been lifted from your shoulders there were still lies that were present around you. You still had more truth begging to be spewed from your mouth. 

After one more hug, Aaliyah moved away to be engulfed in the comfort of her mother’s arms. You sighed and ran your hands through your short hair as you shared a look with Demi who had her arms around James. A part of you wanted to question her about it and what her relationship was with your brother but you knew that wasn’t what was important at the moment and she knew it too. Demi was the only person who knew about your surgery and about the reality that you were no longer healthy. She could see your guilt and you could tell by the way she was looking at you that she thought that you needed to bring your reality onto everyone else. Most importantly your parents and probably to Shawn, if you wanted to start a relationship, he needed to know everything. 

Shawn. Your head instantly snapped in the direction of the small stage to find that he was gone and the only thing that sat in his place was his guitar. You had forgotten about him as soon as your dad started to talk and now to see that he had left made your stomach drop. God, you couldn’t even think about what his reaction might have looked like to hear all the reasons why you had ignored him for years and why your friendship had been on pause. He had just learned the truth that had been hiding from him, worst of all though he didn’t hear it from you. 

Instantly, without another second to think, you bolted up the hill towards the porch steps. You sprinted up the stairs, taking two at a time, still barefoot. You pulled open the glass door and shoved yourself inside. The kitchen was empty and frantically you moved to the living room. “Shawn?” you called out gaining no response. 

You began to check every room in the house, from the bathroom to the storage closet. With no such luck, you moved upstairs and made your way towards your bedroom. Storming in through the doorway, you froze near the door as your eyes landed on Shawn’s back. 

“Shawn,” his name fell from your lips sounding breathless. 

He was stood by your bed, staring at the nightstand where a bunch of framed pictures were. Multiple ones being of you and him. You could see how his shoulders were tense and he remained motionless with his arms limply at his sides.

“Shawn,” you repeated taking a step forward noticing his head turn to the side and drop towards the floor. 

You couldn’t pinpoint how he was feeling. He could be mad, upset, or maybe just frustrated. You had lied to him and kept things from him you never did before. You had caused him such pain to hide how the sickness you were dealing with. For minutes, it was silent. You stood waiting for him to say anything and finally as if in slow motion he turned around and you felt your heart break at the sight before you. 

His hair was messed up and his shirt was wrinkled. His eyes were rimmed with tears and they were red and puffy. His cheeks were flushed and his bottom lip was swollen from him chewing on it so much. “You were sick,” his voice was raspy and sounded completely broken. 

And just like that. The cat was out of the bag. 

You nodded ashamedly that he had found out this way and knew by the end of this conversation you would probably look just as disheveled and upset as he was. If you knew Shawn like you thought you did, he wasn’t going to take this well at all. 

“How did this happen?” he asked tugging at his curls. 

You let out a small shaky breath as you felt your chest tighten, “It was months after you left-” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” he questioned starting to raise his voice, “How could you not tell me?!”

He was starting to react exactly as you thought and you knew if you didn’t stay calm this would end with you yelling at each other loud for the rest of the party guests to hear, “I knew that if I told you, you would have came home to be with me.” 

“For fuck's sake,” he shouted hand raising and falling back to his side letting out a loud slap, “Of course I would have. What’s wrong with that?” 

“If you would have came home you wouldn’t be where you are now. You would have missed so many opportunities just to sit next to my bed all day,” you explained taking a step closer to Shawn. 

“I don’t fucking care!” he yelled.

“You don’t mean that, Shawn,” you said softly, eyes beginning to fill with tears, “You love your job. You love singing and performing.” 

He ran his fingers through his hair again, tugging at the ends, eyes wide and eyebrows raised as he stared down at you. A look of anger across his beautiful face, “Yeah, but I love you more!” 

Just like that, you felt the air had been knocked from your lungs and you had lost this small argument. In all of the years you had known Shawn, you had never seen him look so sad and so in pain until now. His lip was curling as more tears streaming down his face. Snot was gathering at the edge of his nose and he kept making noises as he sucked it back up. You had caused this. You had hurt him so deeply and in a way, you had no idea how to fix it. This was all your fault. 

He shook his head, not bothering to wipe away his tears from you. “All this time, I thought there was something wrong with me to cause my best friend to disappear from my life. I thought I did something to drive you away but now to find out that while I was having the time of my life creating a name out of myself, you were stuck in a bed sick and dying. And if you had been taken from all of us, I wouldn’t have even known. Probably would’ve found out by a sad voicemail sent from your parents. It’s a good thing that your ass pulled through because I would have not been able to deal with that. You should’ve told me, and you know that. Fuck my career and fuck whatever opportunities I was being given at the time because I should’ve been there. Y/N, I needed to be there.” 

You could feel the tears that were falling down your face like a waterfall at this point as small whimpers fell from your lips. Your hands were balled into fists and you could feel your nails digging into your palms. You could feel them cutting through your skin but you didn’t care because the pain distracted you from the one coming from your chest.

The pain that was only there because of the destruction you had caused. Shawn’s lips were trembling and his hands were shaking and you knew he was out of words and wouldn’t be able to get any more out even if he had. They wouldn’t be able to pass by the sobs that were being wrenched from his chapped mouth. 

It was over, finally, your walls were broken and now you were exposed. He now could see you for everything you had been trying to hide from him for the past four years. Your high and mighty walls had failed to keep him out because somehow he had wiggled his way into your heart. He had found a way inside and just like a storm turned to a monsoon that crack in the stone widened causing the whole damn wall to crumble. 

And though a part of you, a large part of you, begged to stay where you were. Pleaded for you to stay away from Shawn as he stood fuming, chest raising, with fresh tears falling from his eyes. That part of you, that small tiny part, told you to turn and run out of the room, away from him and away from dealing with this once and for all. It told you that he was angry and not calm enough for you to get closer, but somehow you ignored that small voice in your head because you found yourself crossing the room to fall into his strong arms. 

Your body connected with his, and in an instant, it felt like all tension in the air drifted vanishing from the both of you. His arms encased you providing a place of warmth and safety. It was familiar, and in a lot of ways, it was home. You hugged him back just as tightly as he hugged you hoping you could give him that same sense of protection he was giving you. Your tears continued to fall as his voice filled your ears. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you,” he whispered repeating that statement over and over again, his cries dying out with each time he said it. 

It was a relief to hear. To know that after it all, his feelings towards you had not changed and that he still wanted you as much as you wanted him. This man brought something out of you, you had never felt before. He was a drug in so many ways. All you could see, feel, and smell was Shawn and it was making your head dizzy. And all you could think about was how your heart screamed for him, and how you were too choked up to return those three little words. 

+

It was around eleven o’clock and you stood near your bedroom window, in your parents' house, admiring the stars in the night sky. Your short curls had faded, and you had tied the top pieces back into a small bun to keep them out of your face. Your makeup has been washed away and your skin was moisturized and ready for bed. You were wearing an oversized baby blue tee and white pajama pants, the same thing you had been wearing the morning Shawn showed up at the house with tickets to the Maple Leaf game. The day had felt like forever ago, though it had only been no more than a few weeks. So much had changed in such little time and you weren’t sure if you were ready for any of it. 

The party had ended an hour or so ago but the Mendes’ had only just left about fifteen minutes prior to the time now. Shawn and Demi were the only other two people who were still at the house besides your family. He was helping your dad put away the tables in the yard and Demi was in the living room talking to James, and about what, you didn’t have a clue. Honestly, you didn’t want to know. If she was going to try and engage in a relationship with your brother, you weren’t going to stop her, but you also weren’t going to be around to hear about it either. The whole day had been a whirlwind and you could feel the exhaustion creeping in on you. 

After what happened with Shawn, you hadn’t talked much for the rest of the party. You had spent a good ten minutes calming down and cleaning yourselves up before you returned back in the yard. No one seemed to notice the change between you two or maybe they did and just decided to not acknowledge it. Either way, you were grateful. As the evening went on, you made your way around to everyone listening to what they had to say and answering whatever questions they had about your treatment and your cancer. 

You also were roped into very long hugs, the longest by far being from Loretta, but you didn’t mind at all. The end of the party had in no way been like the beginning or the afternoon. It wasn’t filled with laughter and fun but rather an emotional revelation that made everyone appreciate the life they had. In your opinion, it still ended on a good note with every single person going home with a smile on their face and at the end of the day, that’s all you could have ever asked for. 

As you gave the black sky one more glance, your hand reached up to fiddle with the necklace, Shawn’s necklace he gave to you, like you had been doing all day. You turned around on your heels and jumped as you noticed Shawn leaning against the doorway, curls disheveled and shirt loose around his torso, top button undone. 

You didn’t know how long he had been standing there and it had startled you a little bit. Your hand laid flat across your chest as a small laugh passed your lips, “Shit, you scared me.” 

“Sorry,” he replied, voice low as his eyes fell to the floor, “Uh I finished up helping your dad.” 

Nodding, you moved closer to him noticing the way his feet were shuffling against the carpeted floor. “Are you going back to your parent’s then?” you asked his eyes instantly moving back up towards you at the question. 

“Well, I was hoping you’d let me stay,” he mumbled, fully stepping into the room. 

Almost if on cue, you could feel your heart speeding up in your chest. Sometimes it felt like you had a string attached to your heart and on the other end, Shawn stood pulling on it to get it to beat for him at all the right moments. But you knew, that sounded ridiculous because he didn’t need a string to do that - with just a simple look or a few words he was able to make your heart move a little faster and beat a little louder. 

“I’ll go get some clothes that you can borrow from James for the night,” you replied, hand giving his arm a reassuring squeeze as you passed him. Without a response, you were out in the hallway making your way towards your brother’s room. 

It was on the other end of the floor you were on which wasn’t such a bad thing except that you had to pass the stairs that lead down to the living room. You moved as fast as you could past the stairs but as you did, the loud laughter from your best friend was clear in your ears. Rolling your eyes, you ignored it and continued down the hall. You pushed open James’s door to be met with an unmade bed and a floor that was littered with a few pieces of clothing. 

Typical, you thought, not clean. It was funny whenever you told people that you had your own apartment and James didn’t and he was the older one out of the two. They would always have the funniest reactions about him living with your parents but then you would go on to explain that he had been in Venice the last year and had just gotten home. “He’s searching for a place, don’t worry,” you would always tell the person reassuring them that your twenty-five year old brother wasn’t going to be living with your parents the rest of his life. Who knows maybe at this rate he could move in with Demi. You rolled your eyes at the idea. 

With a huff passing by your lips, you moved towards James’s dresser and pulled out a pair of black basketball shorts and a plain white t-shirt. As soon as you had the clothes in your hands, you basically sprinted back to your room, gagging as the laughter only seemed to be louder than the first time you heard it as you passed the stairs. Walking back into the room, you closed the door behind you and leaned against the doorway a sigh escaping you. 

Shawn turned around from where he stood by your bed, more buttons undone on his white polo. He looked towards you with confusion as you generally looked disgusted. “I don’t know how you think it’s okay that Demi and James are downstairs flirting heavily on the couch.” 

Though things were far from perfect, Shawn still laughed, “I think they’re cute.” 

You practically gasped at the sentence as your finger came up and pointed in his direction. “Don’t do that. Nope, not going to happen, mister. My brother, Demi, and cute are not all allowed in the same sentence.” 

He laughed again causing your chest to warm at the sound as you lifted yourself off the door and approached him. “Here,” you said smiling up at him as you handed him the shorts and shirt. 

“Thanks,” he smiled taking them, hand brushing against yours in the process. 

You stared at each other for a few seconds, before you brushed by him and over to your side of the bed. Sitting down on the edge, you looked back towards your window, away from him so he could change without your eyes staring at him. It was funny how you two were acting like earlier hadn’t happened. It was like he was denying that he had found out you had been sick and you were ignoring that he said he loved you. In your mind, it seemed like if you just passed by it without acknowledging it, it would all go away, and you weren’t sure if you were supposed to let it or not. 

“Should I take the guest bedroom?” his voice broke through your thoughts and when you glanced over your shoulder, you found him dressed and hand gripping the doorknob to your door. 

You shook your head, a smile playing at your lips, “Shawn, don’t be ridiculous. You can sleep here with me. It wouldn��t be the first time we slept in the same bed.” 

It was funny to you, how he couldn’t be away from you at the moment but offered to sleep in the guest room. 

“I just wasn’t sure if you wanted me to or not,” he mumbled hands gripping the jeans and shirt he had been wearing all day. 

“Shawn?” 

“Yeah?” he replied. 

“Just shut up and get over here,” you chuckled pulling the covers back on your bed and crawling in. 

Dropping his clothes to the floor, near your nightstand, he slipped into the other side of the bed and without him even touching you, you could feel the warmth radiating from his body. He laid on his back, hands clasped across his stomach, and eyes staring at the ceiling. You were on your side, hand propped under your head, as you looked at him. Turning his head, his gaze met yours, and a pleading smile formed on your face hoping he would finally stop acting like earlier hadn’t happened. 

You wished that he would start asking you questions about what it was like the hospital or even better, kiss you and hold you for the rest of the night. But he didn’t do either of those things. Instead, his hand moved towards your nightstand where he turned your lamp off engulfing the room in darkness. 

You sighed, disappointingly, falling onto your back on the mattress. Your head sunk into the pillow, and your eyes locked onto the dark ceiling with one thought on your mind as silence filled the room. Maybe this was the end. Maybe you and Shawn were a mistake and it was best to stay just friends. You hoped that wasn’t the case but as of the moment that’s what it was looking like was going to happen because he wasn’t acting like the man who claimed that he loved you. No, he was acting like the best friend who was sleeping in your bed and was too scared to move in case he would end up accidentally grazing your thigh giving you the wrong idea. 

You didn’t know how much time had passed. Was it an hour? Two? Or had it only been thirty minutes? You weren’t sure but what you were sure about was that Shawn was still awake too. His breathing wasn’t light and steady like it would be if he was sleeping and every couple minutes you would hear him sigh which gave it away that he wasn’t asleep. 

Not able to take it anymore, you leaned over his body and turned your lamp back on. You sat up in the bed, knees to your chest, to meet his tired eyes that were very much open. His eyes locked with yours and within seconds he was sitting up too, covers falling down his chest and into his lap. He looked at you worriedly, that single ‘s’ shaped curl hanging across his forehead. 

“I can’t sleep,” you mumbled simply. 

“Why? What’s the matter?” Shawn asked either acting clueless or in reality, happened to be so dumb that he was that clueless. 

“What’s the matter,” you retorted sending his words back at him, “What’s the matter is that we’re lying here and you can barely say more than four words to me. A few hours ago you say that you love me but now it’s like you’re scared to even touch me.” 

Your hands found their way to your face, covering your eyes so you wouldn’t have to look at Shawn. It falls silent for a good thirty seconds before you hear a deep breath from Shawn and then feel his warm palm land on your knee. He scooted closer to you too and you could feel how warm he was as his skin touched yours. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized chin falling onto your shoulder, “It’s just I can’t stop thinking. Can’t stop picturing you in that hospital bed without me there by your side. You told me and that should be enough but I guess it’s not if that’s all I can think about.” 

Hands falling from your face, you heard turned to him. His face was only inches away from yours. His eyes were wide and no longer looking droopy and tired and his lips were puffed out almost asking for you to lean over and kiss them.

“Please just tell me something,” he begged to give your knee a light squeeze, “I know it’s probably hard to talk about but I need to know something. Anything about what it was like in that hospital.” 

You nodded, forehead bumping his lightly, as you reached forward to brush the curl back and out of his eyes. Sitting back against the headboard, your hands fiddled with the comforter in your lap. He laid on his side, hand running up and down your thigh for comfort as his amber eyes were zoned on you. 

“I don’t really know where to start except that it was hard,” you sighed, head falling back against the wood frame, “The chemo was probably the worst part. It does a lot to a person. You’re constantly dizzy, you don’t ever feel like eating, and always think you’re going to vomit. Honestly the only thing, I can think about that wasn’t completely horrible about it all is that during chemo they would give us these cancer popsicles that tasted like oranges. That wasn’t so bad I guess. Oh, and in the spring, sometime after I had been given a room when the cancer started to get bad, Patty, the sweetest nurse at that hospital, would sneak me outside in a wheelchair so I could enjoy the fresh air. I would just sit there soaking up as much sunlight as I could as the breeze danced across my dry skin. Those were the best days, I think.”

You smiled softly at the memories, of Patty and how she had always managed to balance out those bad days with some good ones. She was a light of sunshine who cared about every single one of her patients and at the top of her list, a spot had been created for your name. 

Eyes looking back towards Shawn who laid silently watching you, you knew there was more you should say. So reaching down, you lifted your shirt revealing your stomach. his orbs followed the movement and widened as they locked onto the three pink scars. Two of them were small and on your waist, either side of your belly button while the third was large and extended below that horizontally, a few inches long. 

“The worst day, I would probably have to say is when they told me I would have to get a hysterectomy if I wanted to survive,” you whispered, tears filling your eyes, “They took my ovaries, uterus, and my fallopian tubes and I remember after it happened, I remember the only thing I could think about when I woke up was that I was never going to be able to have any babies. This plan that I thought I had for my life had changed and I realized that I would never be able to do the one thing that a woman’s body was made to do. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to give, the man that I would someday spend the rest of my life with, a child and that alone is so unfair.” 

At this point, tears were slowly falling down your cheeks, as you stared at Shawn. His eyebrows were furrowed and a frown played on his lips as he looked at your sad state. Slowly without a word, he leaned forward, and his lips found a safe place along your stomach. He kissed softly at the left scar on your waist, and after a few seconds switched to the other. 

A sad sigh fell from you, hand moving up to knot in his curls as his warm plump lips moved lower towards the largest scar, the one you despised the most. “I really wanted to have a baby someday,” you cried as he kissed at the sensitive skin gently. 

After another minute he sat up and you let your shirt drop, recovering your stomach. Both of his hands cupped your face where his thumbs went to work wiping underneath your eyes until there were no more tears staining your skin. Then he wrapped his left hand around the back of your neck and pulled you closer to him. Your face sat along the dip of where his neck and shoulder met as your arms wrapped around his strong torso. Shawn’s nose nestled into your hair and for the next few moments, you both sat there enjoying the comfort that was brought to the both of you.

“I knew that I was right,” his voice rang through your ears causing you to sit back so you could look at his face as he talked, “I wish I hadn’t been but I knew that I was right.” 

You were confused, “About what?”

“The hair,” he answered simply and you gave him a small look that said you were thankful he changed the subject, “I knew that you were too crazy to ever cut it.” 

“You’re right about that. Too bad it wasn’t my choice,” you admitted hand slipping under his, James’s, t-shirt. Your cold hand splayed across his lower back, the warmth instantly spreading across your palm. 

“Eh, I like the short hair,” Shawn admitted reaching up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear. 

A soft smile rose to your lips, as your other hand found a place near the collar of the white shirt, where your thumb began to swipe across the skin on his neck, “At least you didn’t have to see me bald.” 

“I bet you were beautiful,” he responded, gaze falling down to your lips. 

You could feel your cheeks heating up at his words. Your breathing was getting heavier and at first, you didn’t know what to say in response. It was silent as Shawn sat, hand cupping your cheek while the other moved to your waist. His eyes were locked onto your lips and the only thing you wanted at that very moment was for him to kiss you. It was killing you the longer you waited and you were practically squirming under his touch. You could smell the remains of his cologne and the cinnamon that always clung to his skin. He leaned in closer the smell invading your senses as his forehead leaned against yours.  

“Shawn, please kiss me,” you whispered and without a second to waste he obliged. 

You sighed happily, eyes fluttering to a close as you fell back into the mattress, Shawn falling on top of you. Your legs wrapped around his waist pulling him in closer towards your body as his lips molded with yours. Your body reacted instantly, melting against his. His thumb stroked your cheek lovingly and all you could think about was how soft and warm his lips were against yours. It made you realize how in many ways it was like the first kiss you ever shared. Sweet. Soft. And all around life changing.

next part

[curlyhairallday]

Bump and Dumps - Part 4

Hattie wasn’t use to doctors she had developed a fear of the doctors after going to get contraceptives at age fifteen. The doctor had yelled at her basically calling her a slut without saying those words exactly and lecturing her on safe sex and absistence it did not help that the doctor was her best friends at the times mum shortly after that visit her friendship had also ended due to her not being a good role model. After that incident Hattie had healed herself she would wait out illnesses and pray they subsided. So walking into the doctors surgery was terrifying her it did not help that her and Harry were still in a rocky place so the whole situation was making her anxious.

“Cmon love, I’ve signed us in we just need to wait. I found the best doctor around I asked Ben on who they used when they were pregnant.”

She was thankful for his mindless chatter in this moment as it began to reassure her slightly, although she was still pregnant not in a relationship or a proper job. If anyone was judging her it was herself she had mucked up her life plan, she realised that her fears were coming true she would have to send her kid to some snobby school as you can’t send a rockstar kid to a normal school and it would be spoilt her kid was going to be some Malibu brat as Harry spent a lot of time out there what if he took the baby from her. Fuck, what had she done Hattie began to realise she had ruined everthing.

“Hatters, stop!” Harry demanded taking her hand and gently rubbing his thumb in reassurance, he was use to her over thinking although she usually managed to mask it very well Harry always knew.

“I don’t know..” She began to stand ready to leave in her state of panic.

“Harriet Styles.” The doctor called she began to panic more now she thought they were married but that was far from the truth.

“It’s Willams, we aren’t together.” She gestured between her and Harry to further exaggerate the point.

“She likes to play hard to get.” Harry chuckled Hattie shot him a death look.

“So when was your last period?”

“They are irregular, I looked on my app it was around three months ago.”

“Ok, I will do an internal ultrasound today to check everything, we will then take some blood work.”

Hattie removed her trousers and began to feel awkward she hadn’t shaved in a week there had been no need. Now not only was the doctor going to be down there Harry was also likely to see. This pregnancy had ramped up her anxiety she felt so judged constantly.

“Just lie down this may feel a bit odd.”

Harry sat at her head and reached for her hand, he also felt very nervous he wasn’t sure whether he was allowed to be excited or not as Hattie seemed so on edge.

They both looked at each other as they heard the heartbeat throughout the room. Hattie’s eye watered she felt love go over her, there was her little baby.

“I guess you both know that is the heartbeat and if you look here you see the small bean that is your baby, youre around eight weeks along.”

“Hello Spud, you’re gorgeous.” Harry muttered he kissed Hattie forehead, she didn’t know it but she had completed him with this baby.

“Wow.” Hattie muttered she looked at Harry and was glad that even though she may not have spud’s dad she would never let spud go.

The doctor discussed appointments and symptoms she may experience she prescribed her some tablets for her sickness. She also discussed the risk due to Hattie father having diabetes she was at risk to experiencing it during her pregnancy so meant she had to watch her diet more than usual.

“Do you want to get some food now? We can discuss everything. I know a good chinese place.”

“Can we just go Tesco’s then home, all Spud can stomach is soup.”

Once they arrived at Tesco, Hattie got out knowing the drill Harry tried to limit their appearances in public together to stop the media blowing up. As she got out she hoped he would prove her wrong and follow her but all he did was request her to grab him some chicken breasts and hummus for dinner.

She walked round Tesco and realised that this would be the baby’s life either it would be thrust into the spotlight or he would distance himself from spud.

“Harriet?”

“Aj, oh my gosh. I haven’t seen you since graduation.”

They quickly caught up on their new jobs and how they were. Aj was a very attractive solicitor who had gone into working for his dad company right out of law school. He and Hattie had one fun night during freshers the first year of uni after that they had stayed friends but had never explored it further. Harry hated Aj existence along with everyone who Hattie had been with before him. He had met Aj once when he had joined Hattie on the night out and all he did was taunt Harry with cheeky remarks about her moves in the bedroom. Where as, Hattie knew it was Aj he was sweet and funny and always knew what he wanted, unlike Harry.

“I am in a real rush sorry, but why don’t you meet me on Thursday at Ricardo’s around 7pm. I will text you.”

“Ok sounds fun.”

Hattie hadn’t been on a date in a while and seeing as her and Harry were just co-parents, it would be fun. Although, she would probably not be able to stomache any of the food at Ricardo’s  but she needed to begin living.

“What took you so long?”

“I ran into Aj.”

“Wait Aj like against the sink Aj.”

“Yes Harry, why do you call him that. Do you want to refer to me as Mums garage Hattie.”

Harry smirked as he thought back to his birthday last year, he had wanted a quiet time with family and of course Hattie. They had gone to the garage to look for some baby pictures for a documentary about his second album and Hattie had dropped something on her foot after Harry rushing to her aid. Afterwards, she had kissed him which led him to pushing her against the wall and taken her hard and fast. They had both been begging and grunting it was definitely a favourite memory of his.

“Or Camille the sofa.”

Hattie had soured his memory  of them and instead he flooded with guilt, Hattie had gone away for a week with friends although she had left early due to an emergency at work and she was an intern at the time so had to rush back if she wanted any chance of a job at the end. Harry had hated the look when she caught camille and him going at it on the sofa.

“So what did he want anyway?”

“Just to catch up, we are going to Ricardo’s this week.”

“Wait you’re going on a date.”

“No Harry I am seeing a friend.”

“No you’re not.”

“Harry you are away I can do what I want we are friends that’s it.”

Harry pulled over and stopped the engine of the car Hattie looked at him shooked unsure of what was happening.

“I love you for fuck sake Hattie, this isn’t going away. I loved you for ages Hattie but i didn’t want to ruin your life the one with the husband that makes you dinner and the children and the dog. The couple that is always around. I can’t be around all the time I don’t want you to be alone and sad. But I do not care anymore I want you and as selfish as this sounds that’s my baby and if anyone gets to date you pregnant it will be me. I have plans I didn’t want to do this now fuck.”

“Don’t propose.” Hattie panicked looking at him begging him to think.

“I am not. Not yet I will one day but it will be perfect. I have a new house a smaller one with the open kitchen so you can cook and watch spud play. It has five rooms instead of seven. Also has a nice garden its a twenty minute tube ride to work for you. I also want you to be mine. I am sorry I made you ever doubt the fact you were. What do you say?”

[nothingeverlost]

Henry Gold (Chapter 6/?)

Summary: Regina asked for Gold’s help in procuring a child, but when he held the wee boy in his arms he couldn’t give the child up.  Ten years later it’s Henry Gold who arrives in Boston, looking for Emma.

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3/ Chapter 4 / Chapter 5

A/N: This chapter takes place almost entirely in the hospital.  It’s about a baby girl and a John Doe 

II

Strangely his dislike of hospitals lingered even though he had no experience with them.  His cursed self remembered an accident, surgeries, and months of physical therapy. Fake memories that apparently still echoed loud enough that he paused just outside the entrance to the hospital to gather himself.  Emma had called to let him know that Ashely had been found and was in labor.  

Cinderella was having her baby.  Just one, despite the lie she’d once tried to tell him about twins.  One child she’d promised him thrice, first in a blind deal to find a new life, secondly in a lie to trap him, and again in this world.  She was giving birth, but the real question of the hour wasn’t boy or girl, it was mother or not. Carrying a child did not make one a mother, he’d learned that too painfully many lifetimes ago.  He had no idea if the woman Cinderella was in either world deserved the child. Though she didn’t fully understand it, the choice was in his hands. All magic had a price.

He found Emma in the waiting room pacing, as if she was the one waiting for the baby.  It was an experience he’d missed with both of his sons; Bae had been almost a month old when he’d come home wounded from the training fields and Henry had been three weeks when he’d been brought to Storybrooke.  There had been no pacing, no nearby distress of a woman in labor. For Emma there had been no one waiting outside her door, eager to meet her child either.  

“I would offer to buy you a cup of coffee but I can’t imagine that would be a good idea.”  He aimed for casual, as if this birth didn’t mean anything to him.

“I’ve never been on this side of things.”  Emma nodded towards the closed doorway where they could hear shouting.

“No friends back home with little ones yet?”  This world or the last one, women seemed to always gather together for a birth.

“I’m kind of a lone wolf,” she said with a shrug.  He was amused at her word choice; she wasn’t the only lone wolf around, and he was beginning to wonder if two wolves might not just find each other.

“There’s nothing to be gained by waiting here; neither of us can change the coming of this babe.”  He took a moment to ponder the fact that Cinderella and Snow had been pregnant at the same time. Emma and this child should have been separated in age by months, not decades.  “Will you take a walk with me? There’s a pleasant distraction upstairs.”  

“I can’t imagine anything in a hospital called pleasant, but sure.”  She trusted him enough to follow, and to leave the princess alone. Their journey was only two stories up, but he lead her to the elevator; a flight of stairs was one thing, two flights in public were another.  One never knew when a queen was lurking around corners, looking for a weakness.

“Henry’s class has a field trip today, perhaps you heard him mentioning it?”  It was a short ride, once he pushed the button in the elevator.

“I remember something about a signed permission slip.”  She followed him again, out of the elevator and down the hall where no one stopped them or even looked up.  Gold had to wonder if it had to do with people following the same routines for 28 years, or the fact that no one he saw had ever studied a moment of medicine.

“Miss Blanchard’s class volunteers at the hospital once a month.  They make cards and bring flowers and decorate. From the size of Henry’s backpack I presume that he’s snuck his book in here to read to someone.”  He rounded the corner into a hospital ward full of people who had been stuck in bed far longer than they realized. From a glance he could identify one minor noble who crossed the wrong witch and a knight missing a pair of legs.  This was Henry’s third visit but the first time he’d had reason to come observe. There was a ‘get well’ banner hanging on one wall. The Hatter’s girl was filling a vase with flowers, but he couldn’t see his son.

“Never heard of that before.  We usually went to a museum or the zoo.”  She stopped to say hello to a surprised Mary Margaret; he heard something vague about ‘a bad date’ but he was more focused on why Henry wasn’t with the other kids and why his teacher didn’t seem concerned.  And then he saw his boy, through a second set of glass doors, looking at a man in a coma.

“So this is where you’ve been hidden,” he muttered to himself.  He looked over his shoulder where the wife and daughter of the man in a coma spoke, not knowing each other or the man in the other room.  “Asleep all this time might, indeed, be a favor.”

“Dad.”  Henry had been grappling his book out of his backpack, but looked up and grinned.  He dropped the bag and dodged around the bed, racing through the glass doors. From the hug one would expect it had been more than a few hours since they’d sat together at breakfast.  “I found him, dad.”

“You found someone?” 

“It’s Emma’s dad, my grandfather.  He has the same scar as in the book, on his chin. It’s him, dad.”  Henry grabbed his left hand and tugged him into the room. “Look.”

“He’s just a man in a coma, Henry.” He lied, pretending he hadn’t seen the man in the bed a hundred times.  That he hadn’t trained him with swords or teased him about his love or snarled at him through prison bars. Gold glanced at the book half out of Henry’s bag.  His fingers itched for magic that didn’t yet exist in this land, to find out how a book in this world knew so many of their stories. He didn’t trust it, even though he might need it. 

He dreaded the day Henry realized his father’s part in the book.

“It’s the curse, keeping him and Miss Blanchard apart.  We have to find a way to get them together.” Henry gestured excitedly at the princling sleeping on the bed.

“I’m sure she’s been in here before.”  Gold looked over his shoulder to where Emma and Mary Margaret were still talking.  Henry, noticing Emma for the first time, brightened.

“I have to show Emma.”

“Is this the best time?  Your classmates are around, perhaps if you wait until you’re alone.”  Emma wouldn’t believe, of course, but he was curious to see her reaction.

“We could come back later.  Maybe Miss Blanchard could read the story to him and he’ll remember.  He’ll wake up.” If only curses were as simple as a ten-year-old assumed.

“We can discuss it.  For now I think you’re meant to be with the rest of your class.”  He encouraged Henry to return to the main ward, where the children were apparently gathering to sing a song.  Gold lingered for a moment when the glass doors slid closed behind his son.

“You held her for a minute, didn’t you, Charming?  Months of waiting and you only got a moment.” He looked through the glass doors at Emma, who had turned to watch Henry and his classmates.  He hadn’t had enough time with his Baelfire. He’d had less, so far, with Henry. And yet he had a lifetime more than the sleeping prince who would wake to find his daughter fully grown.  “I never imagined that I would have a child again, much less that I would have mine because you lost yours. It wasn’t supposed to work like this.”

But he wouldn’t give up his son for anything.

“Things are changing.  They’ll change for you soon enough.”  He could almost feel the magic, just the echo of it trying to break free.  The first child in 28 years was being born and lovers stood only a few feet apart.  Things were changing.

II

“It’s a girl.”  Emma slid into the booth across from him at Granny’s.  Henry had begged to have burgers for dinner and she’d gotten a text to meet them for dinner. 

“Fingers and toes all accounted for?”  Gold stirred the cup of tea in front of him, almost looking uninterested in her news.  He didn’t fool her, though. He wasn’t the easiest person to read but she knew a few of his tells.  

“She’s healthy.  Ashley…” Ashley wanted to keep her baby.  Emma had seen her hold the infant and knew she was never letting go.  It was why she’d never let them give her Henry.

“Emma, you’re here.  Good, we can make our plan now.”  Gold moved to the side as Henry scooted in next to him, his hands still damp from a trip to the bathroom.  He was grinning.

“Plans?”  Emma asked, curious.

“Dad didn’t tell you?  I found your dad.  He’s at the hospital in a coma and we need to find a way to wake him up.  We need Miss Blanchard.” Damn. Henry’s stories seemed to be getting bigger.

“Why do we need Mary Margaret?”  Despite the fact that Mary Margaret gave him the book she’d rather not drag Henry’s teacher into the whole fairytale conspiracy.

“Snow White, Prince Charming,”  Gold held up one hand as he spoke, and then the other, slowly bringing the two together, his palms flat against each other.  Emma had to give him props for not making fun of the idea. “Magic, apparently.”

“They need to remember their happy ending.  The story will help,” Henry said with confidence.  

“Mary Margaret’s a school teacher, I’m pretty sure she knows the story.  Didn’t they dance like one time and then he kissed her when she was in a coma?”  Coma. Maybe she was wrong and Henry’s story wasn’t changing, he was still just taking things and making them fit the story.  Sure, originally it was Snow White in a coma but who could blame him for making a little twist; Snow White waking Prince Charming up from a coma sounded like something they’d do in a movie.

“You haven’t read any of the book yet.”  Gold took a sip of his tea. “That’s not how they meet.”

“She robbed him,” Henry explained excitedly.  “And he chased her on a horse. There were trolls on the bridge and...”

“And you think this is Mary Margaret we’re talking about?” She snorted to think about Mary Margaret running around stealing things like some kind of Robin Hood.  Across the table Gold shrugged.  

“You’ll see,” Henry promised.

II

It was really weird when the kid ended up being right.  Not that she believed it was a curse or magic, but it turned out that the coma patient did wake up after Mary Margaret visited.  She had asked Mary Margaret to visit and read to him, certain that it would be a step in the right direction proving Henry wrong.  Instead they were once again in the hospital and the coma patient was sitting up in bed and talking to Dr. Whale.

“So that happened,” she commented to Mary Margaret, sitting next to her.  Graham was in the room with the doctor and John Doe. Henry was half asleep on one of the chairs, or at least being very quiet.  Gold had excused himself a minute ago.

“I can’t believe it happened.”  Mary Margaret picked at the mud drying on the knees of her pants.  “I had to redo my CPR certification for school this year, just a few months ago.  It’s not the kind of thing you think you’ll actually use.”

“Lucky him.”  She’d held Henry while she watched.  It wasn’t the first time she’d hugged him, but it was the longest she’d held him, hoping for the best but wanting to protect him from seeing the worse.  By the time they knew he was breathing Gold had caught up to them and Henry had raced to his dad, but for a minute she’d been the one holding him.

Boston was seeming farther and farther away.

“He still doesn’t remember who he is.”  The door to the hospital room swung closed behind Graham.  “We’ll start working on that tomorrow; someone has to know him.”

“I could help,” Emma offered.  She found missing people, usually.  This time they had the missing person, but not the rest of his life.  Emma looked at Graham and was about to suggest that maybe they should talk more about his offer a few days ago when someone ran past her.

“David.”  Emma got an impression of blond hair and disbelief as the woman crashed into the hospital room.  She was out of view for a moment until Whale made her step back.  

“Who is that?”  She looked over at Graham to see if he knew, but the answer came from behind her.

“That’s his wife.”  She knew that voice, but still hoped she was wrong when she turned.  Beside her she could feel that Graham, for some reason, flinched.

“Madame Mayor.”  Regina Mills was looking far too much like she’d won something.  It made Emma uncomfortable. They’d barely exchanged a dozen words so far but she had no love for the woman that was almost Henry’s mother.  Instinctively she looked over to where he was sitting to find that he was using his backpack as a pillow. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought someone should find John Doe’s family, and since no one else seemed bothered to do so it fell to me.  Kathryn Nolan was very grateful when I offered her a ride.” Emma wondered how anyone had elected this woman, who was about as far from trustworthy as it was possible to get.  All of her alarms were going off, saying she was a liar. Then again politicians, even local ones, lied.

“He’s been in a coma for years and you just so happened to find his wife today?”  She didn’t dare look over at Mary Margaret, didn’t want to guess at her emotions. At least Henry was sleeping and she didn’t have to worry about him saying anything about the book.

“All thanks to you, dear. That tape you found was a stroke of genius. So we went back and looked at past tapes. Turns out Mr. Doe’s been talking in his sleep. He’s been calling out for a Kathryn. After that, it wasn’t hard to put the pieces together.”  Regina nodded to the woman in the other room. “Isn’t it nice when things work out?”

“Yeah, sure.”  Something felt really weird about the whole situation.  She’d have to talk to Graham about it tomorrow.

“I’m sure there’s been enough excitement for tonight and the Nolan’s deserve some privacy.  You should all leave,” Regina said pointedly, her gaze sweeping over all of them. She looked at henry last, and Emma had to press her lips together to keep from saying something; the look made her uncomfortable.  “Whatever is Mr. Gold thinking, letting his son out so late and practically unattended?”

“He’s with me.”  She didn’t quite hit Regina with her shoulder as she walked past, but she came close when she passed in front of her and bent over to shake Henry awake.  “Hey kid, it’s time to go.”

“Is he okay?”  Henry asked, blinking.

“The doctor says he’s going to be fine.  Doesn’t know why he woke up but it looks like it’s going to stick.”  She grabbed Henry’s backpack and slung it over her shoulder. “Let’s go find your dad, it’s time to go home.  Mary Margaret did you need a ride?”

“No, I drove.”  She still faced the hospital room where Whale was now in the corner talking to the nurse and their former coma patient was sitting up, being hugged by his wife.  Emma didn’t like leaving her alone but she needed to get Henry somewhere else.

“I’ll walk down to the parking garage with her,” Graham offered.  “I’ve done everything I can right now.”

“Yeah, okay.”  Tomorrow she’d talk to Graham about the sudden appearance of a wife.  And about a job. “Come on, kid.”

“Good-night, Miss Swan,” Regina said with sweetness dripping from her smile like poison.

II

The halls of the hospital were quiet.  Gold left Henry under Emma’s watchful eye after they knew the princling would be fine and took the elevator down two floors.  When he passed the large window of the nursery there were no babes within; the new princess must be with her mother.

The door to Ashley Boyd’s room was open, the second bed in the room unoccupied.  In the corner of the room the tv cast a bluish tint on the room. Other than Cinderella and the strange plastic cradle holding a bundle of pink there was no one else around.

“I hope I’m not interrupting?”  He stood in the doorway, leaning on his cane.  The tramp through the woods earlier had not been a comfortable one.

“Mr. Gold.”  Her eyes widened to see him, her hand going to the edge of the baby’s cradle and pulling it closer to the bed.  Good. He didn’t know if it was her assault, their deal to find parents for her baby, or something deeper in her bones that frightened her, and didn’t care.  She knew he was not someone to be taken lightly. “You can’t take my baby.”

“I came to offer my congratulations.”  It did her some small credit that she kept her child close, her first instinct one of protection.  Other mothers had done far less. He held up a small stuffed mouse he’d picked up in the hospital gift store.  “I brought a present for your little one. She has a name?”

“Not yet.”  Ashely leaned over the cradle and picked up her daughter, pulling the blanket of her own bed up to hide her almost completely from view.  Gold stepped forward and placed the toy in the now empty cradle labeled baby girl Boyd. “I don’t have your money.”

“I didn’t imagine you would.  Plus little ones are quite expensive and we wouldn’t want you to have to sleep in a pile of ashes with this one.”  He let his fingers curl around the hard plastic, one finger brushing against the name card. She would pick the child’s name, and keep the child, but a deal could not be broken, not without a price neither of them could pay.

“I can pay you back but it will take time.”  Her chin trembled, but she raised it, reminding him more of a maid than a princess.

“Yes, and I’m sure that extra twenty dollars a week will make all the difference, but you can keep your money.”  It had never been about the money, after all.

“You don’t want anything?”

“I didn’t say that.”  Even if the deal didn’t exist he couldn’t let her walk away holding everything.  He tilted his head to the side, knowing that she couldn’t fail to see the gash on his forehead.  

“Then what?  I don’t have anything else.”  She looked as miserable as a maid he met once, though she held a babe not a broom.

He paused, more for effect than anything. There was nothing Ashley Boyd could offer him, not now, but the curse would break and she would be a royal again.  “Let’s call it a favor, to be claimed at a future date.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s not difficult, dearlie. When I come to you and say please you do me a favor.  Deal?” He held out his hand; there was no need for a contract when one had already been signed.

“Yeah, okay.”  Reluctantly she touched his hand, almost immediately pulling away.  She held her daughter closer.

“The best of luck, Miss Boyd.”  He smiled and turned, leaving her alone.  After he was in the hallway he muttered “you’re going to need it.”

He headed down to the lobby, waiting near the elevators for Emma and Henry.  His son looked tired. Emma looked like she was carrying more than Henry’s backpack on her shoulders.  “Problem?”

“Madame Mayor is a smug little…”  She looked down at Henry and pressed her lips together, censoring whatever she’d been about to say.  Gold was certain whatever it was it was something they agreed upon. “Somehow she was able to find John Doe’s identity and his wife, all in a couple of hours.  It doesn’t feel right.”

“It rarely does when she’s involved.”  A wife for the prince, that was an interesting development.  Not too surprising, though, considering just how invested Regina was in making sure Snow White never had her happy ending.

“It’s not real,” Henry insisted, scowling.  

“I could say the same about most marriages.”  Gold wrapped an arm around him. Behind him Emma snorted.  “Let’s go home, son. Nothing else can be done tonight.”

As they left the hospital they crossed paths with a man running in, flowers in one hand and a pair of tiny shoes in the other.  Gold huffed softly; it seemed there was more than one prince in the hospital tonight. Perhaps this one would have better luck reuniting with his lost love.

[cristinablackthornkingson]

Shadowhunter’s Short Story #31.

It was a warm spring evening in March of 2014, the sun was just beginning to set, the days becoming longer now that Spring was well and truly here. Today, March 8th, is Max-Lightwood Bane’s 5th birthday. He had of course been spoiled rotten as usual, he had a wonderful, big party in the New York Institute, attended by all his friends and family, though Max mostly stuck with his big brother, their best friend Tavvy and their little cousin Cordelia Carstairs. Max had had a ball at his birthday party, he received so many presents and was surrounded by those who loved him all day, he had been  fussed over by his grandma and Aunty Isabelle, play fought with his Uncle Jace, had piggy back rides anywhere he wanted to go, from his Uncle Simon, he drew and painted with his Aunty Clary, listened to his Uncle Jem play violin, read with his Aunty Tessa, danced with his Aunty Catarina and played pranks with his Aunty Lily. The only person missing from the celebration was his grandpa, Robert, who had died 2 years ago. Max’s memory of his grandpa was faint, as he had only been 3 when he died, but he knew he loved him very much and he missed him a lot, but his dad said he was with The Angel now and looking out for their family, which made Max very happy. 

Magnus and Alec could hardly believe their baby was 5, it felt like just yesterday they had found him on the steps of The Academy, he was growing up far too fast for their liking, as was Rafe, who had the nerve to turn 7 at the end of last year. 

Currently, Magnus and Alec were standing in the doorway to their sons’ room, watching them sleep peacefully, snuggled up under the covers, warm and cozy, something Rafe had never had before he was adopted. 

“I wish they would stop growing up so fast.” Alec softly says, leaning against the door frame. 

“So do I, before we know it they’ll be teenagers.” Magnus lightly says, resting a hand on the small of Alec’s back. 

“Oh God, that will be fun.” Alec says in a sarcastic tone. Rafe and Max were a handful now at just 5 and 7, he dreaded to think how they would be when they were teenagers, especially if they were anything like their Uncle Jace and Aunt Isabelle. 

“Hey now, with The Consul as their dad, do you think they’re going to get up to much trouble?” Magnus lightly says. 

“Yes, they’ll probably get into more trouble knowing I can’t stay mad at them.” Alec says in an amused tone. 

“Especially if Rafe grows up to be like his namesake.” Magnus says, his mouth turning up into a smile. 

“Oh lord, Ragnor would love that.” Alec says, laughing lightly. 

“And Lily, she would be thrilled.” Magnus says. Alec sighs softly and slips his arms around Magnus’ waist. 

“I want another one.” He quietly says. 

“What, another Lily? Dear God why?” Magnus says in an exasperated tone. Alec laughs lightly and says 

“No, I mean I want another baby.” He had been wanting another baby for a while now, little Cordelia was giving him serious baby fever, and has been for the last two years since she was born, but he thought it would go away, but it hasn’t and he wants another baby more than anything. 

“Really?” Magnus quietly asks. He had secretly been wanting another child too, being a father was the best thing he had ever done and he adored it, Rafe and Max were his greatest achievements in life and what he was most proud of, he didn’t care that he helped Henry create the portal or that he was the one to find the demon who had ‘cursed’ Will and get it out of the demon that he hadn’t really cursed him at all, no he cared that he raised these two beautiful little boys and got the privilege of being their papa and loving them, that’s what he wants to be remembered for. 

“Yeah really, and this time... well... I-I’d quiet like to have a biological baby, don’t get me wrong, adoption is wonderful and beautiful and adopting Rafe and Max was the best thing I have ever done, they are mine no matter what anyone says, they’re mine, but I would love to have a biological child too, I would love to see myself in our child, I think it would so amazing, but I would be more than happy to adopt again.” Alec explains. Just a few months ago, Clary and Jace had had a baby boy who they named Stephen Lucian Herondale, after both his grandfathers and seeing his little nephew and seeing how much he looked like Jace, made Alec really want to have a biological child. 

“Alexander I think that would be a lovely idea, I would love to look at our child and see you in them, I think it would beautiful to be able to bond with our child before they are born, and be there to witness their birth, we don’t know anything about the boys’ births or medical history, Max came out of a horrible situation, we know that, but apart from that we know nothing, it’s unlikely but they could be predisposed to some horrible illnesses later in life, especially Max, this time we would know all that before the baby is even conceived, and the boys, they would be such wonderful big brothers.” Magnus softly says. 

“So you want to do it? You want to have another baby?” Alec asks in an excited tone. 

“Absolutely.” Magnus softly says, pulling Alec down for a kiss. 

________________________________________________________________

The day after Max’s 5th birthday, Magnus got in touch with Catarina and asked if anyone Shadowhunters had approached her or anyone in her hospital about becoming a surrogate. When he first became Consul, Alec passed a law that allowed Shadowhunters to seek mundane medical treatment for certain things, including HRT, surgery and anything else needed for someone to transition into their true gender (Diana helped with this one in particular and had offered to speak to other Shadowhunters wishing to transition, to talk about her experience and be there for them as someone to relate to, she was certainly not the only transgender Shadowhunter but she was one of the few who were out) treatment for things such as cancer, medication and/or therapy for mental illnesses, (Jocelyn was a huge advocate for this, having suffered severe post partum depression with both Jonathon and Clary) and Fertility Treatment, for anyone who needed it, no mater their gender, sexuality, family size, etc, if you wanted a child and were a fit and capable parent, and needed medical assistance, then you had every right to seek mundane medical treatment. 

Catarina told Magnus that she had in fact been approached buy a number of Shadowhunter women who wanted to help others have a child. She told him she would call around with the surrogates profiles (which included their picture, medical history, name, age, and everything you could possibly need to know) that evening after she finished work. That had been 4 hours ago, and now it was getting close to 1 A.M. Rafe and Max were sound asleep, but Magnus and Alec were wide awake, pouring over the 6 profiles Catarina had given them. They all seemed like amazing candidates, but for some reason, Magnus and Alec were continually drawn back to the profile of a young woman named Prija  Charoensuk. She’s the same age as Alec, 25, she’s tall with long black hair, and light brown skin. She’s originally from Thailand but moved to America when she was 18. 

Magnus and Alec decide to not make any decisions this early and agree to come back to it in the morning. 

A week after being presented with the surrogate profiles, Magnus and Alec had their hearts set on Prija Charoensuk carrying their baby. One morning, a week after Max’s birthday, Magnus had called Catarina and asked her to arrange a meeting between he, Alec and Prija. She agreed and got back to him a few hours later with the information that Prija was happy to meet them in two days time, at their home. They immediately began rushing around cleaning and tidying the apartment, begging Max and Rafe to stop making a mess. They asked Maryse to look after the boys for a few hours while they met with Prija, which she was more than happy to do. 

Today was the day they would meet the potential mother of their child, and neither of them had ever been so nervous. Prija was due to arrive in about 10 minutes. Alec had dropped the boys off with his mother about an hour ago, and arranged to pick them up that evening. The boys were delighted to be spending time with their grandma and didn’t ask any questions as to why they were staying with her for a while. 

When there’s a sharp rap at the door at 4:00 p.m on the dot, Alec practically jumps out of his skin.

“I’ll get it dear, you try and calm yourself.” Magnus calmly says, patting his husband’s arm before making his way to the front door. Upon opening it, he is greeted by Prija, who he instantly recognizes from her picture. 

“Magnus Bane?” Prija calmly asks. Magnus smiles at her and holds out his hand 

“Yes, pleasure to meet you, please come in.” He says, holding the door open and gesturing for her to step in. 

“Oh wow! This place is beautiful! You have wonderful taste!” Prija says, looking around her in awe. Magnus grins broadly and says

“Well I’m glad someone thinks so! It could be even better but with two little boys running around, I decided to keep it minimal, until they’re a bit older and can appreciate their papa’s style.” Prija laughs and says

“Yes, Catarina told me you had two sons, Max and Rafael, right?” 

“That’s right! Come this way and I’ll introduce you to my husband.” Magnus says, gesturing for her to follow him through to the sitting room where Alec was nervously waiting. 

“Prija, this is my husband, Alexander Lightwood-Bane, we’ve been together for 7 years.” Magnus says in a fond tone, once they enter the living room. 

Alec immediately stands up and shakes Prija’s hand. 

“Y-you’re The Consul.” Prija stutters her jaw dropping in disbelief. She had recognized his name of course, but she thought there was no way The Consul would want her to carry his child, she thought it was another couple playing a joke, she had agreed to come here to give them a piece of her mind about messing with such a serious issue, but hadn’t realized it really was The Consul and Magnus Bane until just now.

“I am, but please, don’t feel intimidated or anything, I am no better than you or any other Shadowhunter, and please, call me Alec, all my friends and family do, and I would like it if we became friends.” He gently says. He hadn’t thought about the fact that he is Consul may intimidate and frighten people off.

“It feels rather disrespectful.” Prija wearily says. 

“I don’t feel like it is, please, I want you to see me as just Alec Lightwood-Bane, dad and husband, not The Consul, we can compromise on Alexander, if you like.” Alec lightly says. Prija smiles wearily and says

“Alright, nice to meet you... Alexander.” 

“Nice to meet you too Prija, or would you rather I call you Miss Charoensuk?” He politely asks. 

“No, no of course you may call me Prija.” She says.

“Please, take a seat, would you like something to drink or eat?” Magnus asks. 

“No I’m fine thank you.” Prija says, sitting in an armchair facing Magnus and Alec on the sofa across from her. 

“So you’re interested in being a surrogate”? Magnus calmly asks. 

“Yes I am! I do not wish to have children of my own, I’ve known I don’t want kids since I was a teenager, but I always felt a little bit guilty, because there are so many people out there, like you, who desperately want a child but can’t have one, and I could probably easily carry a baby, but I don’t want kids. When I was about 22 I realized I could be a surrogate, I met Catarina shortly after I moved here and spoke to her about it and when you passed the new law, Alexander, she helped me build a profile that people having a child through surrogacy could look at it and decide whether they liked me or not. I haven’t carried before, no one has ever chosen me, so this would be my first pregnancy.” Prija explains. 

The three of them spend the next hour chatting and getting to know one-another and by the time they’ve talked everything through, Magnus and Alec are even more desperate for Prija to be their surrogate, she is a perfect match for them, no history of poor health, she’s fit and healthy, she’s a good person, not one The Cohort’s followers, and she’s great with kids, so Max and Rafe will love her. 

“Look, I’ve always said I’d take a week or so to think my final answer through, but I don’t need to, I would be more than happy to be your surrogate.” Prija tells Magnus and Alec. She never thought she would simply click with a couple so fast, but she has, has never met two kinder people more deserving of a child.

“Really?” Alec asks in a tone of disbelief. Prija grins broadly and nods.

“Yes, absolutely.” 

________________________________________________________________

It had been about 5 months since Magnus and Alec meet Prija, and decided to have another child. The first round of IUI happened about 3 weeks after they met Prija, but unfortunately it didn’t work, nor did the second, or the third, they were now on their fourth attempt and Alec was beginning to lose hope, the odds weren’t looking good and he and Magnus couldn’t afford more than another 2 rounds of IUI, they both had a lot of money, being The Consul paid well as did being The High Warlock of Brooklyn, but they couldn’t spend every penny they had on fertility treatment. 

It had been two weeks since the last round of IUI and Prija was coming over later today to take a pregnancy test. Magnus and Alec made it extremely clear that she absolutely did not have to come over to their place to take a pregnancy test, but she insisted and said she wanted to and that they should be there when they find out the result, especially if it’s positive. 

They had introduced Max and Rafe to Prija about a month ago, they didn’t tell them she might be having their brother or sister yet, instead they told them she was a friend of daddy’s from work who was going to around a lot for a while because she had to help their daddy with something for work. The boys accepted this no problem and instantly took to Prija, they adored her and she adored them, whenever she came over she was always playing with them, reading them stories, watching movies with them, taking them to the park, anything they wanted.

They all agreed that Prija would be a part of the baby’s life, and the baby would be brought up knowing they were born via surrogacy and that Prija is their birth mom and Alec is their biological dad. Prija wouldn’t be raising the baby or be called ‘mom’ by the baby or anything, she would be more like an aunt to the baby, which worked out well as Max and Rafe had started calling her Aunty. 

A  few hours later, Prija arrived to take a pregnancy test. She played and cuddled with the boys for a bit first, then excused herself to the bathroom to take the test. Magnus and Alec had herded the boys into their room so they wouldn’t have to know what was going on, and persuaded them to stay in there for a while by putting on a movie for them and letting them have chocolate and other candy, they would regret it when the boys didn’t sleep that night, but at the time it seemed worth it. 

Magnus and Alec were currently nervously waiting in the living room for Prija, as they always did. 

A few minutes after she had gone to the bathroom, Prija comes out with a completely neutral look on her face. 

“Well?” Alec nervously asks, jumping up from his seat. Prija breaks out into a huge smile and holds out the pregnancy test up for he and Magnus to see. 

“I’m pregnant.” she softly says, just as Alec realizes that the two lines on that test means positive. 

“Oh my god.” Alec quietly says clasping a hand to his mouth. 

“A-are you sure?” Magnus quietly asks, not knowing what else to say. 

“Yes, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to get your hopes up, but I have been feeling a bit odd lately, a couple of days ago I had some spotting like Catarina said I would, it’s still really early, but yeah, I’m definitely pregnant.” Prija softly says. 

Alec rushes to her side and hugs her tightly, tears of joy rolling down his face. 

“Thank you, thank you so much.” He says in a tight tone. 

“You don’t have to thank me, I want to do this, you deserve to be parents.” 

The rest of Prija’s pregnancy went extremely smoothly, she had no serious pain or vomiting or anything, no bleeding at all, and according to The Silent Brothers, the baby was always healthy. 

Max and Rafe were beyond excited to be big brothers, they loved touching Prija’s bump and feeling the baby move and kick, they loved talking to their sibling too, Max always talked about pirates and books and everything he would teach his sibling, while Rafe loved to sing the baby Spanish lullabies. 

When Prija was two months pregnant, they found out from Brother Enoch that they were expecting a baby girl. Magnus and Alec were thrilled, they had both always wanted a daughter, they felt a little girl would complete their beautiful family, but would have been overjoyed with another baby boy too. 

They decided they wanted the baby’s first name to be Thai and her second name to be after someone close to her fathers. After a few weeks of discussing names, Magnus and Alec settled on the name Madee Teresa Lightwood-Bane, Teresa after Tessa, who was one of Magnus’ dearest friends, she was also extremely kind to Alec and his family, she had delivered Jace and Clary’s son, who was Magnus and Alec’s godson. 

Rafe and Max loved helping their daddy and papa decorate the nursery, though Madee would be sleeping in a bassinet beside Magnus and Alec’s bed for the first few months. One evening, while Alec was out, Magnus used his magic to assemble the crib, he told the boys not to tell their dad, but of course they squealed on their papa, but Alec didn’t mind, he was just glad the damn thing was built. 

Prija was currently nine months pregnant, only a few days from her due date, and everyone was eagerly awaiting the arrival of baby Madee. Prija had decided to give birth in the NY Institute, in the infirmary, with a Silent Brother present to witness the birth as was tradition, and a Clave midwife there to deliver the baby. She only lived about twenty minutes from The Institute and therefore not far from Magnus and Alec, so she didn’t feel the need to stay with them or in The Institute as her due date approached. 

Today was a rare quiet day for Magnus and Alec, which meant they could stay home and be with their boys. Right now, Max is watching videos on Alec’s phone, and Rafe is helping Magnus organize his wardrobe, which really meant he was putting on shirts Magnus had discarded, jelled up his hair and ran around exclaiming that he was papa. 

“Daddy!” Max says, running up to Alec and holding the phone out to him. Alec sees Prija’s number on the screen, her call having paused Max’s videos. Alec was glad hadn’t hung up and resumed his videos. 

“Thanks buddy.” Alec says, taking the phone and ruffling his son’s hair. 

“Hey Prija, is everything okay?” Alec casually answers the phone, as Max plops himself down on Alec’s foot, wrapping his arms around his leg. Alec was use to walking through the apartment with Max hanging off his leg, at this stage, it hardly phased him at all anymore. 

“You’re gonna need to come to the Institute.” Prija says in what sounded like a strained voice. 

“Is everything okay? Is the baby okay?” Alec asks in a panicked tone. 

“Everything’s fine, I just... my water broke.” Prija says. Alec almost drops the phone in shock, he had not been expecting her to say that.

“We’ll be right there.” He says, before hanging up and shoving the phone in his pocket. 

“Max, can you get off please? I need to talk to papa.” Alec gently asks his son. Max shakes his head and says 

“Nu uh! I never letting you go again, daddy!” 

“What if I carry you instead?” Alec tries to compromise. 

“Okay!” Max exclaims, reaching up. Alec easily swings him up into his arms and makes his way to his and Magnus’ room. 

“Magnus.” He calls, just before stepping into the room. 

“Everything alright, Alexander?” He calmly asks, hanging one of his shirt up. 

“I just got a call from Prija, the baby’s coming.” 

________________________________________________________________

Prija had a very quick labor, only lasting four hours in total. Magnus and Alec never once left her side, Max and Rafe were with Clary and Jace, fussing over baby Stephen. 

After Prija had given birth and snuggled and bonded with Madee a bit, the midwife suggested Alec and Magnus take the baby and bond with her while she helped Prija clean up. So they were currently in Alec’s old room, and had yet to really properly see their daughter. 

“Here Alexander, you hold her first.” Magnus softly says, holding the baby out to his husband. Alec carefully takes the baby into his arms and pulls her blankets back to get a proper look at her. She had beautiful brown skin like Prija, and thick, curling black hair like Alec, she had Alec’s eye color too, and his eye shape, mouth shape and nose shape, she had Prija’s pallor and bone structure. She was absolutely perfect. 

As Alec gazes at his daughter, he can’t help the tears that well up in his eyes and roll down his face, he had never held a baby and met a baby knowing they were his, when he held Max and met Rafe he instantly wanted to bring them home but didn’t know if Magnus would want that, so couldn’t for sure say they were his boys, but he could for sure say this sweet little girl was his, his beautiful baby daughter. 

“Alexander, what is it? What’s wrong?” Magnus softly asks, putting an arm around his husband’s shoulder. 

“Nothing, nothing at all, she’s just so beautiful and perfect, and I can’t believe she’s really ours.” Alec says in a tight tone of voice. 

“She is rather perfect.” Magnus softly says, gently stroking his daughter’s cheek, with the back of his finger. Madee reaches out and grabs his finger, bringing Magnus close to tears too. 

“I never thought we’d have this, a marriage, two beautiful little boys and a beautiful little girl, I never thought I would get to have any of this, not happily anyway, I thought I would have to marry a girl and have children with her, and I never wanted that, I have always wanted to be a dad but I didn’t want to have kids with someone I didn’t love,.” Alec says in a remorseful tone, wiping at his tears. 

“I never thought I would have children either, I always knew I would like to have kids, but nobody ever wanted to adopt with me, and I knew I couldn’t be a single parent, I always settled for being the fun uncle, but when I saw Tessa with her children, I knew I wanted that for myself someday, I just never thought it would happen, our three babies are blessings for me, I’m not a religious person, you know that, but our little ones are a blessing and I know that, they’re our miracles.” Magnus softly explains, gazing down at his beautiful daughter. 

Finally, after centuries, Magnus feels truly happy and complete. 

Keep an eye out for part two where Madee meets her brothers and the rest of her family, coming soon!

[gaiatheorist]

Desperate measures.

(I’m not quite ‘in desperate times’, but the anxiety about how much longer I can live in this limbo-state is building. Standard suicide-disclaimer, life right now isn’t peachy, but there’s no opt-out ideation or intent, I need to be out of this state, not ‘out’ altogether.)

This pivots around the Council Tax forms, and has just had another layer of maudlin “I was trying to change for the better.” chucked on the top by my Facebook ‘on this day’ thing. However-many years ago, I was celebrating the fact that the ex was no longer working 13-hour days, meaning I didn’t have to get up at daft o’clock to sort out his sandwiches, wake him up, and get him out of the house on time. Like his Mother. Which I wasn’t, her brain haemorrhage killed her. I survived one, and then had elective surgery to reduce the risk of another. At the same time as I was having elective brain surgery, leaving the hospital just over a day later, and not taking any time off work to recuperate, because I’d scheduled the surgery during a school holiday, I was also kicking out the ex, and trying to figure out where I fitted within certain systems at work. Oh, and supporting the kid through his A-levels and Uni-selection traumas, after I’d almost died the previous year. That was all ‘on me’, much as this situation, now is. I’m meeting my job-coach again this morning, and I’m fairly certain that her systems will flag up that I haven’t been sent on a ‘group activity’ for a while. Some of the people who were in the first group I attended will have found work by now, either sheer desperation at being unable to live on the Universal Credit, or just being easier to place than I am.

The desperation is real, the UC system isn’t fully embedded-and-functional yet, single people with no dependants are being used as the test-cohort. (I’ll leave out the fact that I’m feeding and accommodating the kid Monday-Friday, that he leaves lights on, doesn’t close doors and such. I’m paying for him, but, at 19, he’s not classed as a ‘child’, because he miraculously passed his A-levels in spite of everything, and managed to get into Uni, rather than having to re-sit.) I’ve read enough horror-stories about ‘sanctions’ to know that this benefit/welfare/social security isn’t secure at all, I don’t want to be ‘on benefits’, it’s terrifying. The buffer-zone in my bank account won’t last long, and the Universal Credit payments alone won’t cover my outgoings when I run out of ‘my’ money. 

To that end, when a letter came through from the Council Tax, two months into my ‘claim’ for UC, and four months after my last employment ended, saying I might be eligible for a further discount, I emailed, and asked for the forms. (Emailing is easier than phoning, I don’t want “Oh, poor you!” on the phone, the disability and unemployment are just things that happened, I don’t have the patience, or emotional reserves to deal with other people’s reactions to the unfolding horror-story of me.) A week after I’d emailed, I still hadn’t had the forms, so I emailed again, and then resorted to phoning. “Oh, we posted the forms, but I can email them to you if you still haven’t had them?” (I asked you to email them in the first place, you Noddy, it saves you printing and postage costs.) I filled in the forms, and presented myself at the local office. 

“Oh, I think these are the wrong forms.” The girl behind the counter said, and continued to process them, instead of, you know, printing off the right forms, or anything revolutionary like that. “I’ll have them processed, you should get a letter confirming the amount of any discount.”

I didn’t get a letter confirming a discount, I got a new set of forms. Even more pages than the last one, and boxes to detail how much money I had in current/savings/investment accounts. That’s easy, I only have one bank account, and I knew what was in it, to the penny. Now, two things concerned me about the forms. There’s the standard line that “discount will only be applied from the Monday after receipt of forms and evidence”, when I wasn’t advised I could even apply for it until two months into my unemployment claim. More concerning than that cheeky little ‘efficiency measure’ is the fact that they assess your assets, and use that as part of the decision making process. I get it completely, if I was in receipt of pensions, dividends, rents, or was sitting on a huge pile of savings, I wouldn’t ‘need’ to apply for a discount. I’d applied for the discount to eke out what’s left in my bank account, to take action before I started actually missing payments. The Council Tax are buggers for immediate county court and private bailiff action, I don’t need those sort of complications in my life, it’s tangled enough as it is.

I’m at an impasse, here, I’m massively qualified, but in a highly specialised niche, and jobs ‘in’ that niche don’t come up very often. I am casting-wider, and looking at how my skills could be transferable to other working environments, but, after a ‘not’-nervous-breakdown, I need to be exceptionally careful with myself. I burned out, and I won’t risk doing that again, it’s not safe for me, and it’s not fair for some future-employer if I get a foot in the door, and then go off sick. There’s the issue of work-life balance, which loops into my Fakebook whining from years ago. Back then, in the dark days I had no life. I’m not saying I ‘deserve’ spa-parties, and new clothes every month, Christ, I haven’t even had a hair-cut in years, I don’t ‘do’ pamper-me stuff. I have extensive skills and multiple qualifications, I’m intelligent, and ‘see’ things other people miss, which doesn’t always work in my favour, but is still a highly transferable ‘talent.’

Yesterday, I made enquiries about an admin vacancy at a Young Women’s housing project. “Should be able to deal with young women exhibiting challenging behaviours.”, not everyone can do that, I can, but the post was 2 hours from home via public transport, and the hours would mean me working every afternoon/evening, I can’t commit to that, because of my stupid sleep-pattern. In an ideal world, I’d be looking for something with Tuesday and Thursday afternoons off, to ‘break’ the week. Hell, I’d be willing to work weekend mornings to make-back the hours, I’m not being unreasonable, I’m just a bit disabled.

No word on the PIP-assessment yet, four weeks into the 4-8 week timeline, catastrophising head suspects they might ‘lose’ my forms, and I was too fatigued after filling them in, and photocopying reams of medical evidence to take a copy. I remember what I wrote, because it’s my life, my disability, but there’s the potential that, if they make me do it again, there could be inconsistencies, no two days are the same-sludge when you have brain injuries, and a pesky inoperable aneurysm lurking in your brain.

I’m not desperate-enough yet to do anything to compromise my professionalism. (Stop laughing, swearing and poking fun at politicians only bars me from ‘some’ career-paths, not all of them.) I need to find work soon, not least because spending all day in the house with the kid will send both of us mental. Off out to the job-coach again this morning, where she’ll tick her boxes, she’s stopped even looking at my time-sheet, which I’d taken to leaving ‘amusing’ notes for her on. She’s aware that I’m difficult-to-place, but her acknowledgement of that won’t hold any weight with the systems-and-processes she’s working in, and I’ll either end up with more ‘job-club’, or practice-interviews, or, Gods forbid, ‘work experience’, if I don’t manage to get myself out of this loop soon. Then, onto the Council Tax office again, where they’ll re-process my begging letter, and, most probably claim I ‘can’ stay on my existing rate of Council Tax until I actually run out of money, and start incurring bank charges for missed payments. Then, grocery shopping with the boy, who won’t put anything in the trolley, leading to him making ‘meals’ of stale crackers, because he thinks that helps. It doesn’t, it upsets me that he’s trying to save me money by not eating properly, when all he needs to do is throw what he wants in the trolley, and split the difference from the money his Dad pays him.

I’m desperate to find a job, and I’m too honest to cheat or steal or lie. The myth of the benefit-cheat has led to these convoluted systems, that I’m desperate to be out of. Not desperate enough to apply for jobs that could place me, or others at risk of harm, though.   

[toastiko]

An Update & A Story

Hi guys. I’m finally taking action against my weed dependency. Each day, I’m taking one less hit than the day before. I actually haven’t tried quitting since I went cold turkey, the week before last Christmas. I was only able to stay sober until Christmas day for those wondering. Aside from the one visit to my father in February earlier this year, I’ve smoked every day since Christmas, 2019.

Now I lay here in bed, mostly sober and slightly depressed, wondering, how? How did weed become the top priority in my life?

These thoughts manifested during my sober week before Christmas, but now that I’m laying here, out of weed and sober enough, I can actually put my thoughts into words. Anyway, the main reason I started to abuse marijuana was because of my move from Michigan to Oklahoma (July 1st 2017). But there were a lot of small events that also contributed to the abuse too. The beginning of the abuse started around three years ago, but before we talk about that, you need to know how I was brought up. 

This next part is for my friends who I didn’t grow up with.  Read it if you want, you won’t make me cry if you don’t. 

Parts of the story below may sound like me just bragging. If you take it that way, that’s on you. I’m just trying to be as detailed as possible so people can get a proper understanding of how I was raised. 

In 2001, I was adopted at birth in Jackson, Mississippi. (I’ve always grown up knowing that I was adopted and some people think it’s a really touchy subject for me even though I couldn’t care less. In fact, I used to joke about it before my sense of humor vanished )         I was born with my feet completely backwards, or in other words, I had severe clubbed feet. At the age of 2, I had surgery and spent a year in walking casts. During that time, my parents and I in lived in a mansion until 2005, when hurricane Katrina came and shreked everything. So we moved to Oklahoma and lived in a low class barn for around 8 months. In 2007, my dad got a job offer in Lansing, Michigan, and that’s really when my life ‘started’.

The first memory I have of Michigan is driving down our beautiful dead end street with my eyes glued to the falling snow which I had never seen before. We lived in a three story house with a front yard the size of a soccer field and a backyard half the size of a soccer field, with a lake right behind it. Yeah, I had it good, but I didn’t even realize at the time because it was normal to for us to live in big houses. Now the two houses next to us had neighbors with kids my age. JC was one of these kids. The kid was huge - not fat, but well built. He was a French Canadian American who had lived there since birth. If I met him today for the first time, I don’t think we’d be friends, but JC, though he was the same age as me, felt like an older brother. He was disciplined (mostly), goofy, and a little arrogant at times, but we always had a good time when we got together. So most days after school, instead of hanging out with my best friend who lived far, far, down the road, I hung out with JC, and that’s what my life was like after school almost every day until he moved in 2014 (2015? I don’t know)

Now let me tell you about my parents. My dad is an American Armenian who was told by his parents as a child that he was going to grow up to be a heart surgeon, so that’s what he did. He’s disciplined, hardworking, wise - he’s pretty much the smartest person I know. But growing up, I despised him. He lacked empathy and could be extremely insensitive at times. But when things would go bad for me, he always knew exactly what to say and he knew how to get his point across. But I hated him while living in Michigan because I was obsessed with ONLY having fun and playing video games with my friends and he abhorred video games. He would guilt trip me when he’d walk into my room and find me playing something. One time, he even took away my xbox 360 after I failed a test, and said he’d give it back after a week. I never got it back. Despite the negatives, he taught me to not let my emotions get the best of me, he taught me how to remain calm, how to be humble, and so much more.

My mom, on the other hand is the COMPLETE opposite of my dad. She’s outgoing, sensitive, gullible, and unlike my dad, she could befriend ANYONE she meet. When she passes homeless people, she ALWAYS gives them money out of sympathy. To make it clear how nice she is,  if you sat Hitler down with her for some tea, Hitler would leave with his mustache shaved, and with a big, teeth grinning smile. She can make anyone like her. My mom spoiled me beyond senseless. She’d end my punishments early, she’d buy junkfood that the neighbors would eat up the next day, and she would buy me whatever I wanted under $200 and then say “Just don’t tell your father!” Even most of my friends at one point said, “Why can’t your mom be my mom?” However, my mom liked and still likes to live in a world where her feelings come before facts. She tends to get ripped off or scammed a lot when she bought stuff online or in person. Not to mention she sometimes follows the crowd instead of thinking critically. Ignoring her flaws, my mother taught me empathy, compassion, and love.

So having parents that were polar opposites from each other really balanced me out as a kid. I was (and still am) a shy boy, but I was quick to open up to whoever I trusted. Unless I was fighting with my parents, I rarely let my emotions control me. I’d be humble and respectful in public and or at school, and then I’d be my immature, batshit crazy and edgy self with my friends. 

My school life was okay. In 1st grade, I met my best friend, Christian.

2nd grade I had surgery on my feet again and missed 6th months of school. When third grade came, my dad convinced my mom to hold me back a grade since I missed so much and they switched me over to a private school. I cried and begged them to keep me in the same grade but the answer was ‘nope’. Today, I’m glad they held me back.

Life at the private school, STM, was vastly different than the public school I’d been going to. My grade had about 20 kids and I was the oldest there. All the boys were little jocks. Obsessed with sports. I played soccer and baseball a year before but sports wasn’t really my thing. The boys were nice to me though and I became friends with them, though I barely had anything in common with them. So I turned to the girls. I befriended most of the girls, and even sat at their side of the table at lunch everyday. I had a huge crush on a girl named Casey, and funnily enough, so did all the other boys. So I spent 2nd and 3rd grade trying to slide into Casey’s DM’s and by the end of the third grade, I was in. Well, I mean, we were extremely close. I went to her house, she went to mine, and I was a happy boy. So far, life was going well.

4th grade came and I was scared. Rumor had it that the 4th grade teacher was a mean bitch, and half of my other classmates had switched schools, leaving 9 kids in the class. So I convinced my parents to pull me out and move me to a bigger private school. STA.

This is where shit went down. I went to STA from grade 4 to grade 8. One day, in 5th grade, when we were all edgy, horny boys who had sex ed coming up in a week , eight of us went outside and I recorded a video of one of my friends, goofily explaining how to have sex in five steps. I uploaded the video to Youtube in 2013 titled, ‘Nick’s 5 special steps.’

Two days pass, and I’m sitting in my homeroom with the eight other boys and suddenly two of the school’s priests come in. I remember one thing Fr. A said that day. He made eye contact with every boy in the room besides me, and said,

“I hope to see you all in reconciliation because you all have a lot to atone for.”

I thought this was funny because I was Lutheran and didn’t do reconciliation. 

In a smart move, my dad made me delete my first youtube channel, epickarek, in fear that the school would file a lawsuit since the video showed minor’s faces. 

After that incident, life was pretty normal and uneventful up until 8th grade. In February, 2016, I was expelled. My friends at STA abhorred me. Those who were my friends a mere two days ago started sending me death threats.

 I started going to therapy and went to the public middle school in my area. Switching to that school was one of the best changes in my life. I made sure to tell no one about why I switched schools and within a few days, I had friends in every class. Not close friends, but friends that you could sit down at lunch and have a chat with. 

I started hearing the rumors during my second week there. One day, in math class, the girl in front of me, Savannah, turned around and asked out of nowhere, “Did you kill someone? I heard you did.” The classroom was tiny and there were about 8 people in the class so everyone heard, including the teacher, and they turned toward me, waiting for an answer. Instantly, I faintly laughed and said something along the lines of “I wouldn’t be sitting here if I did.” Everyone laughed and the class continued. The next day, it seemed like all 200 kids in my grade were focused on me. People constantly approached me, asking crazy questions and telling me the absurd rumors they heard. 

“I heard you stabbed someone.”

“Did you stab yourself?”

“What’s juvie like?”

“My friend at your old school says not to trust you. What did you do?”

The rumors drew more people to me, and ironically, I befriended most of those people once they saw that I wasn’t a psychopath. 

When the summer of 2016, came, I had my first serious girlfriend. Despite my parents being on the verge of a divorce, my life was at it’s peak. I had a girlfriend, a best friend, and a whole group of friends who felt like brothers. 

The next thing I know, It’s Christmas break and I’m in Oklahoma visiting family and she breaks up with me... for one of my friends. That led me to become super depressed, and angry. Very angry. Most of my friends were there for me. But talking about the breakup openly is the reason why everything went downhill from there. TLDR, My Ex, and myself BOTH overreacted.

I’m not going to tell the whole story online, but If you really want to know, I’ll tell you in person. 

Anyway, to shorten a long story, I got a call from my ex’s father saying if I don’t stay away from her, her family will take legal action. So, fearful of court, I respected his demand and stayed away. The next day when I got home from school, I found a FAT stack of papers on the kitchen table labeled, Personal Protection Order, aka a restraining order. I was furious and I stupidly posted to snapchat out of rage, roasting her about it. And within the next week, my family was in court with her’s. The judge, was the same judge who was working my parent’s divorce, (I don’t know why or how that’s allowed) and she did not like my dad, but she especially did not like my mom. Anyway, the PPO said on the front page that I wasn’t allowed to talk about her, ANYWHERE. Online or in person. so that’s why I was there. The judge banned me from the internet for until 2018 and I went home.

Stupidly, I violated the PPO twice after that (The judge then banned me from social media until 2019) and after the third time in court, the judge insulted my mother for how she raised me and I was found guilty, put into a squad car, and SHIPPED.

Like I said, if you want to know more details, just ask me in person. I’m getting pretty good at telling the story.

Fast forward a few weeks and it’s the last day of my freshman year of high school. I’ll never forget that day. I watched the people in my grade throw their hands up, celebrating and rushing out the doors, and I remember just standing there thinking, “I’m never going to see these guys again.”

What’s even worse was the fact that I was going to have to leave my group of around 8-12 friends.  And a few prior to the move, my best friend of 8 years ended our friendship because he was upset that I didn’t tell him that I was moving sooner. If that’s how he really felt, I don’t blame him, for I was depressed and acting strange.

My best friend strayed away from our group when he stopped talking to me so I really only had a few select people in my friend group that I could really call friends. Dillion, Josh, Keaton, Brock, (even maybe Preston) although I only spent around a year with them, we had powerful connections with each other. They felt like brothers. So when my mom said she was moving to Oklahoma, I was destroyed. I wasn’t going to let my mom move alone, but I was going to have to leave my support group. It was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made. I remember the week before we moved, I drove all around Lansing, listening to the Guardians of the Galaxy II playlist and feeling numb.

Then we moved

Within two months of moving to Oklahoma, smoking weed had become a daily habit. I had already been introduced to it by some friends before I moved, so I was familiar with the drug. At first, It diminished my guilt. I didn’t have to think about my friends I left or my old best friend...

I didn’t have to constantly think about the nice cop leading me out of the downtown courthouse into his car in some loose handcuffs.

I didn’t have to think about being in that dark, concrete solitary cell for two days, going crazy thinking that my white, skinny ass was going to juvie for 21 days like the judge said...

I didn’t have to think about the satanic, traumatizing things I did to that person in 8th grade that I still struggle to forgive myself for....

I didn’t have to think about anything if I just smoked my problems and sadness away. 

My first three days as a sophomore were miserable. I had already been to 7 different schools (ask me) and I was exhausted with the thought of having to start over with making new friends. So me, already depressed, convinced my mom to let me do online classes at home.

By the summer of 2018, my cousin had introduced me to his group of friends and we all got along pretty well. We smoked everyday until the end of summer. As fall drew near, I was PARANOID. I was two years younger than most of my friends and I thought I was annoying to them and felt like I intruded on their group, so I distanced myself. I stopped snapping the group chat and stopped inviting them over. I pushed them away because I was paranoid. I had never been as paranoid as I was until I started smoking weed.

2019 came and despite it being the end of my internet ban, I was broken. Being high was the new sober. My highs started turning into a buzz and only a buzz. It didn’t make me laugh or smile, it just made me a lazy husk that played video games and watched youtube endlessly. 

When the summer of 2019 arrived, my cousin came to spend the summer with me. Now, I don’t want to rant about other people anymore so I’ll just say this. He knew I was broken. It was clear as day; I’d wake up, sit at my desk all day, then go to sleep. Despite my attempts at open conversation, he was never willing to be vulnerable with me, even when Etika died. So when the end of summer came, we were both very condescending and passive aggressive toward one another.

After that summer, I was left still high, insecure, mean, emotionless, and lonely. I didn’t want to contact my Michigan friends because was a little bitch. I was afraid they would see what I’d become and they’d distance themselves from me, so I turned to the internet. I knew that I had fans and friends that waited two years for my return, so I started streaming. All was going well, but despite all of my internet friends, I wasn’t happy. Not knowing the source of my unhappiness, I continued to smoke and stream, slowly ignoring my internet friends over time, and I continued neglecting myself.

Then mid December came. I don’t remember how it happened, but I stopped smoking for a week. It was during that week that I realized what I just typed above. I was emotionless - I hadn’t genuinely laughed in months, I felt pressured to stream. My relationships sucked and were fading day by day, so I stopped smoking. 

Christmas soon came and to simply put it, I relapsed. One small hit. That’s all it took. I took one tiny vape hit on Christmas evening and I’ve been smoking everyday since then. 

I’ve wrote this not because I want pity, but because I want to help my friends understand me a little better.

To all of my friends,  I know I’ve been distant from all of you. Please, just be a little more patient with me, I’m getting there. :) 

Anyway... I started writing this mini essay on July 31st and I’ve spent 6 days working on this. I’ve never talked about some of this stuff openly so it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. My final thoughts are in my post that precedes this. Thanks for reading, I love you all, be safe, don’t catch the VID, and remember,

Dicks out for Harambe.