#fun fact we co-own parry

[creatively-cosmic]

some of my demons (in my head)

[yoyoyo85s]

25th May 2020

"Why do you like her? What is your driving force? The reason [why you want her in your life]?"

"Cos she brings me peace"

Idk if it makes sense.

But whn we exchange words, talkin to you makes me thrilled yet calm. When we bicker esp when u have ths thing where u'd wanna turn everything into a debate and wanna win the conversation, it's quite frustratin at times cos I have no means to touch you and as I say "choke the life out of you", yet it's always light and fun. How u parry my lustfulness no matter how it turns out, I can always say things directly and be defeated as I have no means to exact the words tht comes out of me but amused at your reactions particularly when I get u blushing or u get flustered by your own doing. Or the deep conversations tht somehow u're quite uncomfortable with but makes an effort to take it all in and put up with my overdramatic ass tht likes to exaggerate..

Hearing your voice gives me comfort. May it be listening to how u briefly complain how ur day went or the interesting things u'd fuss abt.. How you laugh which I cannot explain it fully as I've yet to remember the specific details abt it but I'm so sure tht whn I hear it out of nowhere I will know it's you. Or how you whine when I'm being 'makulit' whn u're sleepy but manages to make those tiny mithers to let me know u're still there, it makes my heart swell.

When I see you, I always have tht foolish smile. I know ths bcos I see myself in those screenshots I secretly take. Idk how I always end up staring at you intently, like how I'm eager to just look at you evn whn u're doin nothin or how I just pay attention carefully like I have a fear of missing out. And I feel happy whn u start to show me random stuff or u're food or anything tht's quite insignificant yet somehow, the gesture holds meaning to me. When I see ur eyes tht preciously smiles, I see the child in you. Or whn I ogle at u while u sleep. It gives me a wholesome feeling of satisfaction as u drift away at ease bein vulnerable. You'd have tht crumpled expression at times tht's quite grumpy and stern yet fragile. It always wanna make me envelope ur whole body, caress ur fingers and thumbs, cup ur face and run my hands through ur hair. Kiss your crown, kiss your forehead, kiss your nose, kiss your eyes, kiss your cheeks, kiss your chin and kiss your lips. Oh, your lips tht I've so lng wnt to taste. When I see you like tht, I can't evn begin to fathom how I get lost yet manages to find somethin within me.

When you came to my life and I realized want u to continue bein a part of it, I can't explain how I've become more understanding, more patient, more observant, more kind and more confident. To you, to people, to myself, just in general. Maybe bcos I want to better myself. Bcos of you or bcos of me, either way. You have become a muse to my creativity. You have brought out my poet side tht's been long dormant. You have given me more reasons to be hopeful.

I know tht these things might be too much considering the time I have known you or maybe have I gone too much into my habit of visualisation, tht I may have been building up ideas of you in my head or the fact tht there's a high probability you may not evn reciprocate, makes me feel so many things..

This I will say once agn. I will not expect. I also don't want to be blinded by my emotions tht it'll come to a point where I might be dependent on you feeling these things. Or lose my way whn things go wrong. Cos evn if we don't end up together, I'm just grateful for everything. And whether or not I want to be in a full-time committed relationship with you, it's still murky within me.

But, this I truly know. You are someone I'm fond of, someone I adore and someone I deeply care for. You are someone I want to give a piece of my heart, someone I want to protect and someone I will treasure as long as I can. As long as you let me be. I want you to be a part of my life as much as I want to be part of yours.

You are someone I want mine.

[baphomet-media]

Top 10 Games I Played in 2019

Another year has gone by just like that, and here we are with another year’s worth of games played! There were some good releases this year, and I’m excited to talk about them all. Before that, though, let’s touch briefly on the criteria for these lists:

Any game that I played for the first time in 2019 is eligible, regardless of initial release year. Games that I started late in the previous year but spent most of the time playing in the year in question also count.

Ports, remasters, remakes, etc. of games that I have played before do not count.

I have to spend a certain amount of time with a game or the game has to make some kind of significant impact on me to be considered.

Lastly, these are just my opinion out of a very limited pool of games that I was personally able to get to this year, so if a game you played this year doesn’t show up, chances are either I didn’t have a chance to play it, or it just wasn’t personally as impactful to me as some of the others on the list. Now, on to the list!

10. Fire Emblem: Three Houses (Switch)

Developer: Intelligent Systems / Koei Tecmo

Publisher: Nintendo

Genre: Strategy RPG

Release Date: July 26th 2019

Before Three Houses, the only Fire Emblem game I played was Awakening on the 3DS. I mostly enjoyed it, but I couldn’t get into the marriage aspect of the game, and I felt that many of the battles a bit too lacking in any sort of story context other than “There are bad guys here, let’s take them out!”

However, Three Houses really succeeded for me where Awakening failed. The academy was a really great home base and actually gave some meaningful context to most of the battles in the game. I really enjoyed micromanaging the different lessons in the game and tweaking each of my students into exactly the build I wanted for them, however I felt the drawback of this was that there weren’t really a whole lot of different classes to really explore. Most of the game’s character classes are just stronger variations of lower-level classes, and it definitely felt like some skill categories became woefully underutilized as the game went on, so there was no point in training people for them. I also liked recruiting other students to my house, but I felt like the other houses students didn’t really offer anything that my current house already had, so some students ended up feeling mechanically similar to others.

The battles were exactly what you’d expect from Fire Emblem, and gave me a bit of a tabletop RPG vibe, which I enjoyed, particularly when there were large monsters to fight that took up more grid space than standard units.

That being said, the story was really interesting, and I really liked watching everything unfold. I picked the Black Eagles house (because Edelgard is great), but I felt like that story didn’t really do a great job of explaining everything, and expected you to just side with Edelgard on some of her more bold decisions with no explanation as to why what she was doing was right, which felt kind of unfair. The game really wanted you to go through and play each one of the houses stories, but with around 80 hours poured into a single house, I didn’t really feel like there was much point at the end.

Overall, I think Three Houses is a great fit for the Switch and I’m excited to see what the future of Fire Emblem on Switch will look like.

9. Luigi’s Mansion 3 (Switch)

Developer: Next Level Games

Publisher: Nintendo

Genre: Adventure

Release Date: October 31st 2019

When it comes to Luigi’s Mansion, I enjoyed Dark Moon on 3DS back in 2013 while waiting for Animal Crossing: New Leaf to drop, but I never really had much of a reason to come back to it. Still, I really enjoyed the exploration aspect of the game and the attention to detail really impressed me with how nearly everything could be interacted with.

Luigi’s Mansion 3 on Switch is more of what you’d expect from the Luigi’s Mansion series. The game centers around Luigi exploring a haunted hotel to stop King Boo and rescue Mario and his friends. While Dark Moon focused more on a few isolated mansions with different themes, LM3 brings things back to a single gigantic building. This time, each floor of the mansion has a different spooky theme, from ancient Egypt, to classical music, to a floor overgrown with plants. Luigi has to defeat the boss of each floor to reclaim the elevator button for the next floor as he gradually works his way to the top.

Like with previous games in the series, you can expect loads of environmental interaction, such as all the items you can suck up and mess with using the Poltergust, but LM3 brings some new mechanics to the series, including a launchable plunger than you can then pull on to yank certain objects around, as well as the remote-control Gooigi, who is as fun to use as his name is cursed. Gooigi is basically a slime doppelganger for Luigi who can be deployed at any point to assist Luigi with different tasks, or split up for local co-op play. He also has the ability to squeeze through grates and pipes, allowing all sorts of hidden areas that only Gooigi can explore.

LM3 is a game that oozes with charm (no pun intended), though the combat does get a tad repetitive. Also, I was a bit disappointed that there was not more interplay between different floors of the hotel. They’re almost exclusively completely isolated levels, which definitely takes away from the feeling of having a huge building to explore.

8. Blasphemous (PC)

Developer: The Game Kitchen

Publisher: Team17

Genre: Adventure Platformer

Release Date: September 10th 2019

Blasphemous is a game I remember seeing teasers for earlier in 2019, but saw little to no hype for otherwise. However, the concept and the stunning hi-bit pixel art immediately drew me in. The game is a 2D adventure platformer set in a gothic fantasy world reminiscent of Dark Souls. In fact, quite a lot of this game is reminiscent of Dark Souls, with a lore thicker than gravy that’s brimming with little tidbits of information in every NPC dialogue, every item flavor text, and in the bosses you encounter. The world takes inspiration from Christianity, though not actually being about Christianity itself, instead a fictional religion with many similar aspects (an approach I wish more developers would take).

In Blasphemous, you play as The Penitent One as you explore a rotting gothic world and learn more about a strange quasi-religious curse called The Miracle and other fascinating bits of the world. You explore such locations as rotting cathedrals, a frozen mountain, the interior of a colossal bell set upside down into the ground, and more. Along the way, your eyes will feast on some of the most gorgeous pixel art in games this year.

The Penitent One is able to battle with their sword and certain special abilities picked up along the way. While the combat is fairly simple at first, it gets much more deep and nuanced as you go along, dodging enemy attacks, parrying and countering, using spells to buff yourself or shoot projectiles, and much more. Personally, the game feels a lot like Dark Souls meets Castlevania, particularly Symphony of the Night. It’s definitely a lot of fun, though it may not be everyone’s cup of tea due to tone and difficulty.

7. Mario Maker 2 (Switch)

Developer: Nintendo Entertainment Planning & Development

Publisher: Nintendo

Genre: Action Platformer and Level Editor

Release Date: June 28th 2019

I was a big fan of the idea of the original Mario Maker on WiiU, so I was really excited when Mario Maker 2 was announced for Switch with a plethora of new parts, themes, mechanics, and features. I have a pretty big soft spot for classic Mario games, and level editors really get my gamedev side going, so this game pretty much checked all the boxes for me.

I was glad this time around to see an extensive singleplayer mode, where Mario has to play through Nintendo’s own pre-made levels to gain coins to rebuild Peach’s castle after the Undodog resets it all to nothing. It was a great introduction to the game, particularly showcasing what all you can do with the new parts. It was the perfect thing to get any creator’s brain tingling with ideas for their first level.

The editor itself is largely improved from the WiiU, though you’ll almost certainly need a capacitive stylus in order to really take advantage of the Switch’s touch screen, though it’s nice to finally have a Switch game with proper touch screen support, since it seemed like Nintendo had all but forgotten about this part of the device. There are tons of new improvements here, too, such as all modifiers for objects can be accessed by long-pressing on an object. One thing I wasn’t fond of though was the way the Select and Copy modes are accessed, needing to toggle through them and normal edit mode instead of just having a single button for each.

Unfortunately, the Amiibo costumes have not returned, which would have been a great use for Amiibo on Switch (anyone remember that the Switch is Amiibo compatible?), though with the recent release of the Link costume, it seems that Nintendo has plans in mind for these alternate forms.

Fortunately, if you’re not much of a creator, there’s still plenty to do in MM2, as there are tons of ways to play levels online, including an endless challenge mode with different difficulties, browsing top level lists, and a new speedrun mode where levels are available for a limited time and you can grind them to get your best time, playing against the ghosts of other players’ best times.

All in all, I’ve had fun with MM2, and I’m excited to see what Nintendo will bring to the game in future updates (please implement level playlists).

6. Baba Is You (PC)

Developer: Hempuli

Publisher: Hempuli

Genre: Puzzle

Release Date: March 13th 2019

Out of nowhere back in March came a little indie game known as Baba Is You. In this programming puzzle game, each level contains the rules of the level as physical objects that you can push around and recombine to manipulate how the game plays. Each rule statement can (usually) be broken down into three components: an object (such as Water), a verb (such as Is) and a property (such as Stop). Each one of these components can be pushed around at will, and if you line all three of them up you get the statement “Water Is Stop”, meaning that all water tiles in the level do not allow other objects to move over them. If you break this statement, the water loses this blocking property and you can walk over it. It doesn’t stop there, though, and there are tons of combinations and complicated scenarios that will leave your brain hurting after too long. While some of the puzzles are unfortunately rather obtuse in their intended solutions, and the game doesn’t always do a great job of teaching you the skills you’ll need to face harder puzzles, you at least have the option of completing multiple different levels, so it’s rare that you’ll be stuck on just one.

It also helps that the art for the game is a cute but simplistic hand-drawn style that makes it easy to distinguish all the various elements of each level. The only reason this game didn’t rank higher on my list is that I got stuck and I found most of the levels to be a bit too hard for me (shocking, I know).

5. Gato Roboto (PC)

Developer: doinksoft

Publisher: Devolver Digital

Genre: Adventure Platformer

Release Date: May 30th 2019

Gato Roboto is a cute Metroid-like adventure platformer that sees you taking the role of Kiki, a cat who has to explore an alien planet to rescue her master’s crashed ship. Fortunately, while Kiki is defenseless on her own, she is able to pilot a robotic mech suit to run, gun, and jump across different zones of the planet. While a Metroid-esque platformer is nothing new, it’s the charming 1bit graphics and the interesting interplay between power suit mechanics and suitless cat mechanics. Sometimes there are gaps that the suit can’t fit into or walls that you need cat claws to climb, so you’ll have to abandon your robot suit and proceed on foot for a bit. In true Metroid fashion, you’ll acquire many upgrades for your suit as you go along, including movement abilities and health upgrades.

The game is short, but very sweet, and the mechanics are super satisfying. You could maybe finish the game in a few hours, but the controls and speedrun potential will likely keep you coming back for more.

The only downside I have to the game is that there is at least one section where you have to explore extensively on foot, and since you die in a single hit while on foot, it makes for some frustrating moments when you just barely mistime a jump and graze an enemy. Also, at one point I managed to softlock the game by accidentally bypassing a barrier that the player isn’t meant to and getting stuck in a boss area when a required button doesn’t work after you defeat the boss. Fortunately, the developers managed to patch this, so I was able to continue playing after a while.

4. Hollow Knight (PC/Switch)

Developer: Team Cherry

Publisher: Team Cherry

Genre: Adventure Platformer

Release Date: February 24th 2017

I’ll admit, I was a bit late to the party on this one. Hollow Knight released back in 2017 on PC, and while I played it for a bit on there, I didn’t get far and just never had time to come back to it. However, when it was released on Switch in mid 2018, I ended up picking it up again some time later and gradually worked my way through it into 2019. Hollow Knight is a Metroid-esque adventure platformer with light Dark Souls elements set in a dark and dismal world of a fallen insect kingdom. You play as a lone knight who seeks to explore the Hallownest and learn its secrets. Armed only with your Nail, a rusted sword, you explore the caverns and abandoned civilization beneath the town of Dirtmouth.

The game has tons of exploration, and allows the player to explore Hallownest at their own pace with minimal signposting towards destinations. Additionally, the game has an interesting map mechanic where you start off completely without a map and have to rely on memory to navigate the tunnels, however very quickly you’ll be able to purchase a blank map where you can record rooms you’ve been to at each save point. However this map only works for the current area, so for each area you discover, you’ll have to start this process all over, finding a map so you can chart out the area. While this sounds like a pain at first (and definitely can take some adjusting), it’s actually really interesting as you feel like you’re really discovering a forgotten realm and charting out your own personal course through the world. There are also plenty of points for nonlinear progression, as many areas are often open to the player at once, so it’s up to them to choose where to go (or just stumble across new areas at random like me). Each area offers vastly different visuals, from a mushroom-filled series of tunnels, to an elegant garden, to dank sewers, to a city drenched with perpetual underground rain. In each area you’ll explore every nook and cranny to find upgrades and new abilities.

Along the way, you’ll find many badges that you can equip, a la Paper Mario, that give you various passive bonuses and abilities, however you are limited in the number you can have equipped at a time, so strategic planning of which badges to use is crucial.

One of the game’s main features is challenging boss battles. The further you get in the game, the more the balance shifts from exploration to combat, with the late game mostly revolving around hunting down multiple different bosses. Many bosses are optional, however, and some are even hidden, so many players might miss them entirely. Personally, while I found many bosses to be fun challenges, it got kind of tedious to constantly be fighting bosses at every turn, which led to me not completely finishing the game.

3. Dragon Quest XI S: Echoes of an Elusive Age - Definitive Edition (Switch)

Developer: Square Enix

Publisher: Square Enix

Genre: RPG

Release Date: September 27th 2019

I’ll admit I slept on Dragon Quest XI when it released for PC and PS4 back in 2017. It was constantly on my “maybe someday” list, but it wasn’t until the Definitive Edition released on Switch back in September that I decided to give it a go, and boy am I glad I did.

DQXI tells the story of a young man who finds out one day that he is the reincarnation of a legendary hero called The Luminary, who is said to defeat an evil known as The Dark One and bring peace to the world. However, he soon finds himself hunted by a corrupt kingdom that has branded him as The Darkspawn, claiming he is responsible for bringing The Dark One to the world and causing disaster. Thus, our hero travels the world, meeting friends along the way, and finding out what it means to be The Luminary.

The game’s plot may seem a bit generic, but that’s the thing. The whole conceit of DQXI is that it’s a classic JRPG at heart, but with a lot of modern touches to make it feel accessible today. So while there are plenty of turn-based battles, MP gauges, and a story that’s simplistic at the surface, there are loads of surprises throughout and lots of mechanical tweaks that drastically improve the quality of life of the game. For instance, as characters level up, they gain skill points that they can spend on a grid of skills to improve their abilities in different disciplines. Usually, each character has a sector of the grid for each weapon type they can use, as well as one section full of character-specific buffs and special abilities. By the end of the game, you’ll be able to unlock nearly every ability, so it becomes more of a matter of deciding which abilities to prioritize based on how you want to customize each character.

Speaking of characters, there’s a pretty full cast of characters to enjoy, and I found myself loving all of them, such as the spunky Veronica, the flamboyant Sylvando, or the warrior princess Jade. Each character has their own battle style, too, including casting spells, using strong weapons, buffing the party, and more.

The game will easily get you over 100 hours of playtime, with myself clocking in at around 120 hours so far. I’m not quite done yet, but I’m almost there. See, there’s a ton to do in DQXI aside from the main story, including crafting and improving items in a quick minigame at your Fun-Size Forge, gambling in the casino, horse racing, side questing, and exploring various parts of the world.

As for quality of life features, there are such things as the Horse Hailer, which allows you to immediately summon a horse on the overworld for quick travel, early access to the Zoom spell, which lets you teleport back to any town, important location, or campsite you’ve visited throughout the world for free, campsites being free healing, a speed-up option in combat, multiple auto-battle options, the ability to quick-heal in the menu, and more. It’s hard to really list everything, but there are tons of instances where you’ll think “Oh, that’s really handy”.

The visuals of the game are fantastic, with lots of that Akira Toriyama style that’s become synonymous with the Dragon Quest series. The characters are all really well designed and memorable, though some of the NPCs have a bit of a case of same-face, which is especially jarring considering that the game’s world is inspired by many diverse real-world cultures, making it odd that people from a Japanese-inspired area look exactly the same as people from an area based on northeast Europe. Still, I think the game otherwise does an excellent job at respecting world cultures, and even incorporates real-world languages into different regions. For example, the in-game city of Gondolia is based heavily on Venice, Italy, and the people of that city sprinkle bits of Italian into their dialogue. It’s a charming touch.

The music for the game sounds really great if you enable the orchestral version. Unfortunately, the game originally released with only a synthesized version of the soundtrack, which sounds terrible by comparison. Unfortunately, I felt that although each of the compositions were very memorable and pleasing, there sometimes didn’t feel like enough of them. The overworld, city, battle, boss battle, and dungeon themes are exactly the same wherever you go in the world, and I felt like that was a missed opportunity to really spice up the soundtrack with more unique themes to each area.

Overall, If you like JRPG’s, you’ll definitely like DQXI. My only complaints are that it can be a tad on the easy side, and that there are a few points of no return in the story that cause certain quests to be locked out without warning.

2. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (Switch)

Developer: Bandai Namco Studios / Sora Ltd.

Publisher: Nintendo

Genre: Fighting

Release Date: December 7th 2018

Was this really a surprise? A new Smash Bros. game releases the day before my birthday? Of course I’m gonna love it! I had been hyped up for Smash Ultimate for months preceding its release, going as far as watching any gameplay videos on YouTube I could find from various demo events and tournaments around the world. Even after the game’s release, there have been tons of content updates, new fighter DLC, and just so many reasons to come back to the game. It doesn’t hurt that one of the most accessible fighting games of all time is available on a handheld system (literally the only reason I played Smash 3DS). Smash Ultimate stands out in more than just its portability factor, though. While it largely recycles content from previous games, it can be seen as the “Ultimate” Smash Bros game, bringing back every single fighter from the series history, nearly every playable stage, and tons of familiar modes. Not only that, but new content is also present in terms of fighters, stages, and more. Long awaited characters include the Inklings from Splatoon, Ridley from the Metroid series, King K. Rool from Donkey Kong, and surprise guests, including Simon and Richter Belmont from Castlevania. On top of that, a plethora of DLC fighters and stages have been added, with the 5th DLC fighter still upcoming and shrouded in mystery.

Most prominent of the new additions is the game’s approach to a story mode. Unfortunately not as robust as the Subspace Emissary from Super Smash Bros. Brawl, The World of Light is still a welcome addition. In this mode, a strange angelic being called Galeem has turned all of the Smash fighters into evil controlled puppets, except, of course, for Kirby, who sets out to free each of the game’s 70+ fighters from Galeem’s control across a large board of levels, each connected by pathways. Each level features a battle against a copy of one of the game’s fighters possessed by a Spirit, essentially the essence of a video game character, and you have to free the Spirit and claim it by defeating the possessed fighter in a themed battle. This was a really nice way of including references to characters across not only Nintendo’s history, but the whole history of gaming as well, including some characters who do not otherwise appear in Smash, such as Shantae and Rayman. These Spirits, once collected, can be equipped to your character to not only improve your power level, but also offer different buffs, such as resistance to certain attacks, powering up your Smash attacks, starting you off each battle with an item, etc. I definitely enjoyed the World of Light mode, though I felt like it was a tad on the shallow side, and battles could get fairly repetitive after a while.

Fortunately, Smash really shines on its core mechanics, and the most fun I’ve had from the game is exploring all the different characters and finding which ones I like best. My current main is Ganondorf, though I still love playing as Ness and Lucas. Really, this is Smash at its best, and a number of much-needed mechanical tweaks, such as dodge fatigue, directional midair dodging, holding smash move charges, and an overall faster pace make this my favorite Smash game yet.

1. Persona 5 (PS4)

Developer: P-Studio

Publisher: Atlus

Genre: RPG

Release Date: April 4th 2017

Okay, wow. What a game. I’ve never played a Persona or Shin Megami Tensei game before, but buzz for Persona 5 was everywhere, and with the inclusion of P5’s Joker in Smash, I had to check it out. Even though I got to the game nearly two years late, I’m so glad I did.

Persona 5 is an RPG where you take on the role of a high school boy (he doesn’t really have a default name, but the most common name for him is Ren, so that’s what we’ll use) who has gotten tangled up in some legal trouble after intervening in a drunken assault on a woman he witnessed on the street. Turns out, this guy was something of a bigshot, and Ren soon finds himself placed under a form of rehabilitation where he is forced to transfer to the illustrious Shujin Academy in Tokyo. While at Shujin, Ren must live under the guardianship of a man named Shojiro who runs a coffee shop. Ren must stay out of trouble at school and live honestly.

However, trouble almost immediately finds Ren again as he discovers a lecherous teacher is mistreating many of the school’s students, and while investigating, accidentally slips into a strange dimension called the Metaverse, where the twisted perceptions of corrupted people are manifested into reality, and a sprawling Palace exists for the evil teacher. There, Ren meets a strange talking cat named Morgana who offers to help Ren if he will help Morgana find the Treasure at the heart of the Palace. Turns out, the Treasure is the manifestation of what caused the person’s desires to become corrupted, and stealing it causes them to lose their distorted emotions and confess.

Thus, Ren becomes a Phantom Thief, infiltrating Palaces and stealing Treasures by night and masquerading as a humble high school student by day. The Palaces are effectively the game’s dungeons, and this is where combat and exploration take place. Along the way, he’ll discover the power of his Persona, effectively an avatar of the user’s personality that enable them to unleash their true power inside the Metaverse, as well as use special abilities. And of course, you’ll recruit many friends to the Phantom Thieves, all of whom have their own motives and Personae. However, Ren has a special power. Instead of just being limited to one Persona, he has the ability to capture many Persona from the Metaverse by recruiting the game’s enemies or fusing Personae he already has to make more powerful ones. Thus the game has a light monster-collecting aspect to it, as each Persona can be leveled up to unlock new abilities, fused with others, and much more. What’s cool is that each Persona must be persuaded to join you by knocking it down in battle and then speaking to it in whatever way you think it wants to hear.

Outside of Palaces, you’ll investigate your targets, infiltrate a mega-palace called Mementos, as well as managing your free time. You see, Persona 5 allows you a limited amount of time to do everything you want to do, and it’s crucial that you manage your student life as well. This means spending time studying for exams, reading books to improve stats, working part-time jobs for money, playing minigames, and most importantly, hanging out with different NPCs, your teammates and supporters, to boost their friendship levels. As you get higher in friendship with each NPC, you’ll unlock new abilities, some of which are truly game-changing. I really enjoyed this aspect, as it felt like a puzzle trying to figure out how best to use my time. Almost nothing felt wasted, but I knew I wouldn’t have enough time to do everything, so I was always thinking about how best to optimize my time. Unfortunately, you can’t do everything in a single playthrough, but fortunately you can carry a lot of your progress over into New Game+. Some features are actually restricted to NG+, so it makes it feel like that second playthrough is really necessary if you want to see everything.

While the dungeons and the battles are mechanically fairly straightforward JRPG faire, the battles are interesting in that each enemy species has its own strengths and weaknesses, and exploiting weaknesses can knock down the enemy and allow you to take an extra turn, which can lead into strong combos. Furthermore, once all enemies are knocked down, you can perform a powerful All-Out Attack for massive damage. It honestly doesn’t get too much more complicated than that, but there is enough depth to the system to keep you engaged until the end of the game.

Each of the game’s characters are extremely well-designed, and I loved pretty much all of my party members, though Yusuke didn’t click with me as well as some of the others, despite being voiced by the amazing Matt Mercer. My favorite, of course, was the imperious Makoto, who appears little more than a bossy student council president in reality, but explodes into flurries of righteous blows in the Metaverse, alongside her robot motorcycle Persona.

Of course it’s impossible to talk about Persona 5 without mentioning the absolute masterpiece that is this game’s presentation. If you know anything about the game, you’ve likely seen the striking art style used in all of this game’s art and UI. It’s honestly every bit as eye-catching and jaw-dropping as it seems. The music is an utter masterpiece as well, with all manner of swingy jazz tunes, somber piano pieces, heart-pounding rock tracks, all of which come together with the visual style to give you something unlike anything you’ve ever played before and to truly make you feel like a suave Phantom Thief.

I managed to not only get through the main game, but get all the way through a NG+ playthrough back-to-back to get that platinum trophy and not once did I feel bored doing so. I clocked in at around 200 hours in total and it was one of the best gaming experiences of my life. If you like RPGs, time management games, good anime-style stories, or just good games, do NOT pass this one up, especially the upcoming Royal version that’s releasing in March.

[lunaathorne]

Out of curiosity can I ask WHY some sectors of Bollywood tumblr don’t like Katrina Kaif? She seems cool so I’m just wondering

This needs to be answered in some detail and I shall do so. You’ve woken the dragon.

I’m assuming you are new to Bollywood; in which case: here’s the rundown- Katrina Kaif is an Indo-British actress, one of Bollywood’s most easily recognisable faces, highest paid actresses and one with a higher success ratio than many contemporaries. She is hailed as one of the most beautiful, if not the most beautiful Bollywood actress of the still active crop.Why do people hate her? To answer that, I’ll divide the people who are against Katrina into some broad categories:

1. “She is beautiful but that’s it”

There are many who feel Katrina represents the Eurocentric standards of beauty with her fair complexion and British accent (I quote from one of her own films “Silky hair, milky skin- she’s like a walking-talking vanilla ice cream”). In most of her films, it is her aesthetic than her acting abilities that is celebrated because- there can be no other way to put this- she is absolutely, ridiculously beautiful. Fitoor, where Katrina played Estella Havisham was like a two hour photoshoot of Kat, a sort of tribute to her beauty where the cameraman seemed to be enamored by her (reportedly, although it is a rumour, Rekha, the original choice for Miss Havisham, walked out because she felt Katrina was looking too beautiful, overshadowing her…..sounds ridiculous but the fact that such a rumour should spread shows the public image of Katrina’s presentation in films, as the art rather than the artist). Shobaa De called her “as beautiful as an English rose…and just as dull”.

Why is this bothering? Well, there are thousands of amazing, dark skinned aspiring Indian actresses who are still shamed for their complexion and denied major movie roles. Where Katrina is held as the ideal of beauty, people like Radhika Apte and Huma Qureshi are treated looks-wise with some disdain.  It’s an Ashara Dayne- Elia Martell case.What is ironical is that in no way is this Katrina’s fault. What people twist into her flaw is really a revelation of our sick mentality where till this day we worship peachy complexions and turn our noses down on anything less than porcelain-pale. Also, pretty much all our so-called “desi” stars have endorsed fairness creams, often through advertisements that target dark people as pitiful creatures. So, as Abhay Deol rightly called them out, it’s not the biracial Katrina herself per se, but the societal standards that have brought about this sad state of affairs.

2. “She piggybanks on others”

Ah, a classic. Since her debutante days, Katrina did largely minor roles in male-dominated films (mostly Salman or Akshay) the mindset is that she has attained her success because of them. To an extent I agree that Salman did serve as her godfather for her earlier career but??? to reduce her to Salman’s charity project is unfair, unjust and demeaning. And Katrina cannot win, no matter what she does. She was great in Namastey London? Well, she was just playing herself. (How criminal that an Indo-Brit should play an Indo-Brit. Tsk. The times.) She was great in New York? Well, Kabir Khan is her sugar daddy, we been knew. She was great in Raajneeti/ZNMD? But it was a multi-starrer! Tiger Zinda Hai? Ah, she finally scored a hit with a meaty role but….it was SALMAN BHAI who helped her! 

While almost every actress or actor has had a godfather of some sort, Katrina faces the brunt of it because she has scored so many hits, nay, blockbusters.  Instead of appreciating how she holds her own beside them, everything she does is a direct result of their godly manna. Her success is parried down to the Khans, long after she has become her own woman. Cruelly, when she does embark on brave projects with strong roles, the audience roll their eyes and ignore it- refer to when I went to watch Phantom (counter-terrorism drama, one of Kat’s best) at the theatre and one guy, I swear, remarked “it’d be more fun if she took off her clothes”. Also refer to Fitoor where one person, who was clearly unaware of either Great Expectations or the character of Estella, said that Katrina is acting stone-cold towards the hero cause she can’t act at all.

This, coupled with the Barbie doll image, has led to Katrina being projected as a sweet but altogether passive person. She doesn’t do “fiery roles” of empowering acts. She serves Sansa instead of Daenerys. And we all know how that goes. Fun fact: Katrina now is nothing less than the Diana Prince of Bollywood, an action queen through and through and her recent project TZH had her snatch wigs, purses and weaves away from Salman Bhai’s altar. BBC London mentioned her to be the best part of the film, as did most critics. Her role in MBKD had been cited  as one of the most interesting female  roles of 2011. Meanwhile Bollywood Tumblr “sHe cAN onLY dANCe”. 

3.“she is a diva with attitude”

Apparently people have had some bad experiences with Kat who is known to be very private and guarded. Recently a woman in Vancouver insulted her and told her to improve her attitude. There are also several anonymous users on Quora who posted that she is rude at the airport. I have not personally met her but I was lucky enough to interact with some fans who did and they all assured me she was graceful and kind. I do not know if she is rude at airports or in the gym or whatnot; what I do know is that almost all her co-stars said that she is a sheer delight to work with. What I do know is that she provided food and water to paps who were waiting outside her house in the hot sun. What I do know is that I visited a publishing house because I was lucky enough to win some merch signed by her and one of the journalists there, a friend of mine, said that Katrina is one of the most polite stars she’d ever met, dignified, cheerful, guarded yet friendly. In an industry where female stars are thrown into a veritable fighting pit since their debut, she is close to almost all the leading actresses and has an excellent rapport with them. She gets along famously well with every co-star, not easy when you have worked with such a wide variety of them. Just see her Instagram, it’s mostly Kat hyping everybody else.

4. “RANPIKA BROKE UP CAUSE OF HER!” “SALMAN BHAI, LITERAL HUMAN ANGEL WAS DEVASTATED BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T STAY WITH HIM!” “SHE DOESN’T DESERVE SALMAN!” “SHE DOESN’T DESERVE ANYBODY!”

Scum of the Earth. Please do ignore if the anti arguments fall along this line. They are usually the type of stans who lick the star’s shoes clean with their own drooble if needed, act as if they have been privy witness to every detail of their fave’s life, do not understand toxic relationships, calling them ‘cute bantering’, and like to slut shame women for a pastime, while ignoring abusers and criminals at the same time.

5. “She’s undeserving of the success she enjoys, cause she is a pathetic actress”

A very interesting segment of antis had risen during the time Katrina won the prestigious Smita Patil award for her contribution to cinema. Their self-righteous claim was that there were a thousand other deserving actresses who should have won. They fail to see that Katrina’s hard work and investment has paid off, and thus they reduce her to her male colleagues, her beauty, her sex appeal. These antis are of the overall same degree and type as those who still believe Kristen Stewart is a bad actress. Y'know, the ones who sigh in faux-piety and go “he/she’s cancelled” about 50 times a day. These are the ones without perspective, who do not see the point of growth and influence. By that logic, anybody with diligence who lacks a natural-born ability should be a useless liability in society. They should be undeserving appendages, rather than people who deserve credit for their efforts. I quote from one of my Twitter posts I made a while back:

“Katrina didn’t get daunted by obstacles.This babe dared to step into an industry speaking a completely foreign tongue, as Chinese would be to us, & made it on her own. She accepted the challenge & owned it. ….(She) has worked her skin off to achieve the superstardom she enjoys today. The results are that she was the only female star to be mentioned in the National Award winning film Filmistaan, and she enjoys monumental popularity among the younger demographic.“ 

There is a reason Marilyn Monroe, Suchitra Sen are remembered despite them not being the best ability wise. A star is not just born out of talent. A star is also born out of the ability to captivate the minds of the audience, by charm, by persona or elsewise. This is no small feat but  Kat can do that. I do not mean to compare her to  these iconic women, but am making  an analogy. She has screen presence. She is a star. Like it or not, she shines very, very bright. Is it her fault that she is successful? Beautiful? Hardworking? That directors come to her with scripts? What is she supposed to do, reject them? Well boohoo, I have news for you.

Besides, and this is what is most hilarious, Katrina is actually one of the most unproblematic stars of Bollywood, especially amusing when you look at the sheer number of the haters. She went to this talk show and there was this bitchy Never-Have-I-Ever segment of strip and tell where you’d have to roast your colleagues and Katrina chose to start taking off accessories and shoes instead of dragging her co-stars! Problematic! Toxic! Awful!

”……A very important thing that most overlook is that Katrina has on notable occasions spoken up for body positivity & freedom of identity. Her role in Bombay Talkies had her encourage a gender fluid person to accept himself & speak up on transsexuality…..(she ) has always remained supportive of her female colleagues, promoting their films on her own social media, praising them at every opportunity. Feminism. Done right.“

In summary, if you’re looking to criticise, you’ll find flaws in everybody, each and every Bollywood star. Mostly Katrina Kaif but also many others. She has her haters, they are vicious. But, on a better note, it doesn’t affect her. I raise you this superior bit of tea I found from this one cinephile’s Twitter thread:

I may have gotten too passionate and written too much. Forgive me. But also, you have my answer.

[aion-rsa]

WandaVision Episode 4 Review: We Interrupt This Program

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This WandaVision review contains spoilers.

WandaVision Episode 4

Through its first three episodes, WandaVision has been more of a compelling and creative thought experiment that it was a coherent TV show. Which is ironic, of course, considering that the aim of the first three episodes was to mimic the style and flow of classic TV shows as closely as possible.

Still, while inventive mimicry is appreciated, it does not a TV program make. At some point the conceptual rubber of WandaVision was going to have to meet the narrative road. It finally does so in the series’ wildly thrilling and entertaining fourth episode “We Interrupt This Program.”

As the title implies, this episode is a much-needed interruption into the faux narrative of the going-ons in Westview, where Wanda, Vision, and all their assembled neighbors are living out the fabricated life of classic sitcoms. “We Interrupt This Program” reveals the woman behind the curtain and establishes stakes and consequences that were sorely missing from earlier installments. 

It helps that the focus this time is on a series of characters who are just as confused as we are. Episode 4 opens with Monica Rambeau (Teyonah Parris) coming back to life from “The Blip” following the events of Avengers: Endgame. Correct me if I’m wrong, but is this the first time we’ve seen someone actually return from The Blip? If so, it’s all so much more literal than I imagined. Just as Monica (and half of sentient life in the universe) dissolved into dust after Thanos’s snap, that dust seemingly just re-arranges out of the ether to form her being once more. Does this mean that everyone on Earth was just breathing in “people dust” for years? Anywho…

Read more

TV

Marvel’s WandaVision Glitches Spell Trouble for MCU Reality

By Gavin Jasper

TV

WandaVision: Does Westview Have a Marvel Connection?

By Mike Cecchini

The episode’s opener is its finest moment as it quickly and efficiently establishes Monica as both a worthwhile hero and a human being who just experienced an enormous trauma. Going back to work at SWORD just three weeks after you sprung back into existence from a universal purge is the mark of someone equally heroic and ill-advised. Even though we don’t spend much time with Monica after that, her presence and rapid characterization gives WandaVision its most prominent sense of stakes and consequence yet.

Thankfully, even after Monica disappears into Wanda’s analog Westview, WandaVision gives us the opportunity to catch up with some old MCU favorites. Agent Jimmy Woo (Randall Park) and Dr. Darcy Lewis (Kat Dennings) work as audience cyphers partly because much of the audience is familiar with them (as part of the Thor movies for Darcy and Ant-Man for Jimmy)- but also because Park and Dennings are each so titanically charismatic. Though Wanda and Vision in their sitcom world have been entertaining and intriguing up to this point, there has been a clear tinge of artificiality to them. Spending time with the very “real” Darcy and Jimmy is a welcome injection of plot and humanity.

Thankfully, Jimmy, Darcy, and their SWORD compatriots seem roughly as competent as their SHIELD progenitors. Faceless bureaucratic organizations tend to get the short shrift in superhero movies as pencil pushers who are intent on stopping the heroes from having fun (or in SHIELD’s case, actively trying to kill Captain America). In WandaVision, however, SWORD, Jimmy, and Darcy all operate with a level of sincere curiosity and care that matches the audience’s own.

Within 24 hours of Monica disappearing into Westview, SWORD has a fully operating Cape Canaveral-style mission control center on the outskirts of town. When Darcy needs an old TV to monitor the strange signal emanating from the bubble, she is given dozens. Jimmy and co. quickly get to work identifying the citizens of Westview and who they’re “playing” on the show. In a small, but consequential moment, one SWORD grunt expresses surprise that Darcy is picking up radioactivity because he was assured the radiation levels were normal. A lesser fictional superhero bureaucracy would have forgotten to check for radiation in the first place. In fact, it seems as though the only thing SWORD is missing is the coffee Darcy so desperately craves.

“We Interrupt This Program” is the most coherent episode of WandaVision, which also makes it its best, almost by default. There is a real joy present here, largely thanks to Jimmy and Darcy. The first three episodes drew their bliss from old-fashioned TV sitcom tropes, and this episode decides to one-up it with an even older trope: the scientific method. Getting to the bottom of things is fun! And that’s exactly what episode 4 does.

Read more

TV

WandaVision: The Sitcom Influences of Episode 3

By Alec Bojalad

TV

WandaVision: The Sitcom Influences of Episodes 1 and 2

By Alec Bojalad

That’s not to say that this installment is merely a fact-finding mission. What’s particularly impressive is how WandaVision can preserve the high strangeness of its sitcom concept while even outside the confines of said sitcom. 

“What? I’m invested!” Darcy tells Jimmy after she expresses some audience-like excitement upon seeing Wanda give birth to twins. 

It also helps that, in getting to the bottom of what’s going in Westview from a scientific perspective, WandaVision also delves into its main character’s heart. 

“It’s Wanda. It’s all Wanda,” Monica gasps upon re-entering the real world. 

Yes, as many of us expected, the nature of Wanda and Vision’s sitcom situation doesn’t come from outer space, an alternate dimension, or any of the Avengers’ many enemies – it comes straight from Wanda herself. Let’s not forget the enormity of the trauma that Wanda experienced in battling Thanos. She had to mercy kill her lover to save the world…only for the dickish Mad Titan to undo that sacrifice and kill Vis himself for the Mind Stone in his head. That is an almost incomprehensible level of tragedy. We saw Wanda’s anger in Avengers: Endgame but we still had yet to see her pain.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

Well…until now. What better way to deal with the hurt than to flip on the TV? Superheroes – they’re just like us. 

New episodes of WandaVision premiere every Friday on Disney+.

The post WandaVision Episode 4 Review: We Interrupt This Program appeared first on Den of Geek.

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The Best Video Games of the 2010s

Welcome to the second entry in our Best of the 2010s series! Last time we covered the best manga series released in the past decade, and this time we’re talking video games.

As with our manga lists, we compiled this list by scoring each title based on how high it appeared on the respective rankings of our three contributors: Evan Minto, Ink, and David Estrella (we’ll post the full lists on our Patreon in a few days). This isn’t an exhaustive list, and for video games in particular our three contributors’ tastes were pretty divergent. In fact, while a few games appeared on two of our individual lists, not a single one appeared on all three!

Our picks for the top 10 video games of the decade offer a cross-section of some of the trends of the 2010s: the decline of couch co-op rhythm games, the wild success of the Nintendo Switch and From Software’s “Soulsborne” games, and the renaissance in narrative game design. If you haven’t checked any of these games out, it’s not too late to give them a try! Enjoy, and let us know your own picks in the comments.

10. Mass Effect 2 (2010)

Evan Minto: Squeaking in just under the date cutoff is the high point of one of video gaming’s most popular (and controversial) franchises. Mass Effect 2 is a perfectly crafted pulp adventure, taking Shepard and the gang on a tour of the galaxy to complete a daring suicide mission. There’s space politics, a cyberpunk criminal underbelly, a story structure pulled from Western and heist movies, and choices. So many choices. The combat is polished and creative and the story is rich and full of unforgettable moments. I wish I could go back and experience it all over again for the first time.

9. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (2018)

Evan Minto: What do you say about the franchise that has it all? Super Smash Bros. is video game comfort food, delivering the same high-quality, infinitely satisfying party game fun decade after decade. Smash Ultimate makes it into our Top 10 because it really is the ultimate Smash experience. Every character is back and fighting alongside a varied list of newcomers. Nintendo has embraced the competitive scene and added a host of fine-grained quality-of-life improvements. With DLC characters dropping at a regular clip, this is a game I’ll be playing for years to come.

8. Fable III (2010)

Ink: It’s probably the most hated of the Fable series, but I love its ambition, contextual landscape, and flawed mechanics; shaking hands and going through the motions of socialization takes forever, #AmIRight? That the game is devoted to division, not just of self (as is the basis of the series) but position, is a brilliant stroke. The degree of cut-and-dry choices is certainly lamentable, but praise be the grey areas and timing by which said choices are introduced! Callbacks are as entertaining as they lend to world building, and the backstory (initially) lends to apprehension as much as it does yearning.

7. Dark Souls III (2016)

David Estrella: Bloodborne is higher up on the list but Dark Souls III is, personally, not too far down below. This third Souls game is the culmination of about 20 years of iteration on concepts that finally came together with faster gameplay, tighter controls, and sprawling environments that exude thousands of years of fictional history. Whether you’re a serious gamer who must stop and read every item description for that sweet lore or you’re a poo-flinging maniac with godly parrying skills, there’s a Dark Souls experience for everyone that’s both satisfying and personal.

6. The Walking Dead (2012)

Evan Minto: No video game has emotionally affected me as profoundly as the first season of The Walking Dead. Telltale’s landmark adventure game asks players to make tough dialogue choices and resolve impossible moral dilemmas in hundreds of timed sequences. It’s a gut-wrenching experience. Zombies don’t always make for the best device for complex storytelling, but this game uses the horror setting to examine its deeply flawed cast and force players to confront the compounding consequences of violence, even and especially violence that seems a necessary evil in the moment. To add to the tragedy, the 2010s ended with one last gut-punch from Telltale: a bankruptcy that left its employees out in the cold and their game projects either shelved or farmed out to other studios.

5. Fire Emblem: Awakening (2013)

David Estrella: Released on the Nintendo 3DS in 2013, Fire Emblem: Awakening came out after a prolonged drought of decent games on the flailing console. Strategy generally isn’t my thing and contending with waves of surprise Wyvern Knights in the middle of a hard-fought battle as a significant gameplay loop is not my idea of fun, but what else was I going to do during the wait until Animal Crossing? I found that I actually really like all of the changes to the FE formula, especially the ones most blasphemous to purists like settings to prevent permadeath and maps designed for grinding. People will cry that the old Fire Emblem is dead and gone and as a Baby Mode advocate, I can’t exactly claim to miss it.

4. Bloodborne (2015)

David Estrella: I’ve played a lot of video games in my lifetime and I discovered my favorite one very early in my life so I spent about twenty years simply drifting from good to great experiences without finding the one “perfect” game. Bloodborne is the perfect game. It’s brutal to master and pared down from the breadth of options found in Dark Souls, but it’s a deeply rewarding experience that dominated my life for multiple playthroughs. Whenever video games disappoint me (happens often enough), I remember that Bloodborne exists and everything is okay.

3. Rock Band 3 (2010)

Ink: Rock Band 3 is less technical button-pressing showcase than Wario Party karaoke, and it owns that fact. Beyond the ability to pretend like you are more entertaining than you are, the gameplay can actually teach players guitar/bass, keyboard, and drums (on a very beginner’s scale with the right equipment/addons). Tour challenges bring a pliable narrative that’s simultaneously entertaining and fulfilling, while a song creator means the ever-expanding library of thousands of licensed songs is joined by the products of some very talented and some very untalented people with a lot of time on their hands. Bless them all.

2. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (2017)

Evan Minto: If nothing else, the 2010s will be remembered as the decade when Nintendo reinvented The Legend of Zelda. Breath of the Wild takes the wonder of open-world games, the addictive progression of Western RPGs, and the gradual sense of mastery of Ubisoft “map games,” and brings it all under the exquisitely crafted umbrella of the Zelda franchise. It is a sublime, joyous triumph of a game, with a host of interlocked, carefully designed systems and a breathtaking world that captures the imagination like nothing else.

1. Portal 2 (2011)

Ink: Sequels usually drain every bit of good from the host in hopes of marketing to blind faith consumption. Not to harp on Schrödinger’s cake, but Portal 2, as the point of suckling for a niche puzzle-minded crowd, manages to maintain its potency by successfully layering deepening characterization atop expanded, imaginative mechanics. It’s a physics-centric puzzle box for the chakra-minded crowd, and Portal 2’s blend of dark humor and farcical, 4-D labyrinths do not disappoint. The introduction of an absolutely maddening multiplayer mode also pays off big time, delightfully, in terms of both more frustration and better tasting cheese.

Check out our list of the Best Manga of the 2010s!

The Best Video Games of the 2010s originally appeared on Ani-Gamers on February 20, 2020 at 7:53 PM.

By: Evan Minto

[actionblur-blog1]

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[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Hell’s Gateshead

Transmission date: Monday 6/Tuesday 7 March 2017

.

Running behind because it turns out longstanding medical conditions are about as likely as jobs to give you time off to talk shit about wrestling, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

.

Also because Fastlane was such bullshit it threatened to put me off Raw forever .

so now we have to deal with the aftermath of that .

sigh .

we open on some dramatic recaps of said bullshit, just in case you'd succeeded in repressing it .

jericho winning it for goldberg with his devastating manoeuvre of 'standing there' .

and brockberg for the championship at mania .

sigh .

there is no outcome to that that won't piss me off .

but anyway .

we're in chicago .

(go...i have forgotten all the sports teams in chicago) .

(cubs) .

(shit) .

but here's jericho, and chicago loves him .

gdi cole, stop saying how close we are to mania .

it reminds me how behind i am .

gonna be a mad rush of posts to catch up before then .

i need my own sign to point at for motivation .

jericho has a new sparkly jacket .

kind of mirror ball style .

and immediately in with the face promos .

been a while .

his argument is basically 'kevin's a twat' .

i'll be honest, i'm skeptical whether jericho can be anywhere near as good a face as he has been a heel lately .

but i'm prepared to be wrong .

chris is calling kevin out for an explanation of his shittiness .

long beat, and here he is .

weird seeing him come in without the belt .

kevin comes out like fuck you why would i answer your questions .

and now jericho proper unloads on him .

which is so weird after the last year or whatever of world-class friendship .

kevin says chris was never his best friend .

ooooooooohhhh .

chris looks genuinely hurt .

kevin just like i betray all my friends, have you seen sami .

apparently kevin picked chris up because hhh told him to be prepared for anything when he got the belt .

the large shadowy figure behind every questionable decision .

kevin is having far too much fun calling jericho a tool .

apparently it was chris accepting the kevberg match that pushed kevin over the top .

which seems fair, tbh .

kevin is apparently a nice guy for not straight murdering chris at the festival .

chris is like okay i kind of get this because ten years ago i would have dicked you over right back .

and apparently he doesn't need a best friend because he has the crowd .

or in his words .

the friends of jericho .

(cheer him on, maaaaaaaaan) .

jericho finally challenges kevin for mania, points at the sign really weirdly .

there's that elephant in the room addressed .

we've been waiting for that match .

kevin angles to make it a us title match .

i only remembered chris was us champ when they pointed it out .

his big jacket and fluffy scarf cover it up more or less completely .

and chris is like okay that'll be fun but let's fuck thsi shit up right now, maaaaaaan

.

cue punch brawl .

and...samoa joe appears? .

both of them stomp on chris a bit, hit sami's music .

the lovable skank man comes in with a chair, pretty much immediately loses it and gets beaten into a corner by kevin and joe

.

#youtried .

but chris gets the chair and wins the ensuing scrap .

hit his music, because apparently something was achieved .

and kevin and joe leave .

huh .

thought that'd be a tag match .

ad break, and foley has made it into two matches .

owens/zayn round #fuck this joke again now, and joe/chris later on .

someone in the crowd has a KALI 3:16 sign .

either there's a reference there i'm not getting, or that is the most delightfully strange crossover .

sami does a tope con giro over the ref like fuck you mustafa ali .

and lands on his shins .

ow .

stands up like it's ok i'm fine wait shit that really hurts why did i do that .

don't break your legs, sami .

we'd have to get one of your mexican relatives in to replace you .

i love how these two always pull new moves out in their matches together .

exhibit a: kevin hits a flip senton to the back of sami's head .

ouch .

that into a brainbuster (fuck you wellness policy) and another popup bomb for the pin .

sami is the human equivalent of the smash bros sandbag .

suplex him hard enough and a bunch of items will come out .

oh great, we get to hear from goldberg later .

but next, we have neville/swann for the cruiserweight belt .

when did rich earn a title shot? .

and in other questions, austin where the fuck is your banana .

austin gives us all another look at his package, cole and graves massively corpse on camera .

corey tries to parry some package jokes, cole is just like OKAY moving on here's rich swann .

young guns (handle this) .

oh, apparently this is rich's contractual rematch cos he couldn't have it earlier .

pretty sure that's not how it works, but w/e .

at least this match is reminding me of the best bit of fastlane .

(by miles) .

crowd are just like fuck this, let's do cm punk chants over everything because chicago .

fuck you, guys .

rich seems to have come into this match with the mindset 'nobody can beat me if i do everything at DOUBLE SPEED' .

which is working pretty well, tbh .

until he got bulldogged headfirst into the apron, that is .

crowd start an austin aries chant, the man himself is just like um okay thanks guys but maybe watch the match .

rich nails a high-angle senton (let's call it a swannton, sure) off the turnbuckle to the outside .

into a michinoku driver for a nearfall .

neville kicks out like fuck you, i'm from newcastle .

we used to jump off two-storey buildings onto each other to kill time at school .

i had to kill my breakfast with a michinoku driver every day .

i once had a forty-minute deathmatch with some fish and chips .

you know nothing, rich swann .

(daniel assures me this is an accurate representation of newcastle) .

comes back with an enormous superplex .

damn, but rich can take punishment .

flatliner to facekick to kick out, because, as aforemtioned, geordie .

does a phoenix splash to a complete lack of neville, who counters into that rings of saturn double armbar thing he does for the tap .

he needs a name for that .

my money's on 'hell's gateshead' .

austin turns up in-ring to interview the king .

who just stands there like fuck you you don't deserve my finely-crafted geordie words .

austin aries chants dominate, austin tries to get the crowd back on track .

neville like hey i said i was going to murder the division and that is very much a thing that i did .

austin like hmmmmm did you say there was nobody who could challenge you .

wonder where this is leading .

the crowd know .

nevile just like hahaha wait fuck seriously .

austin dramatically loses the shades .

he has both his eyes .

who knew .

neville's getting all up in austin's business, he's still trying to do the interviewer thing .

until he coldcocks him with the mic .

i am officially hyped for this feud .

austin loses the jacket and shit .

i'm guessing this is why no banana today .

chases neville out of the ring, stands there with his belt .

this is promising .

but now, enzo and cass are backstage .

and it's not a kfc advert? .

apparently not .

they've run into sheamus and cesaro .

cesaro like ummmm this is actually a cuppa coffee .

and they're both just ripping the piss out of enzo and cass for not winning the titles .

god, i love those two .

but apparently next, goldberg exists .

after an ad for mania .

which is in 13 days .

fuuuuuuuuck i have so much wrestling to mock .

but yes, now we have this fucking entrance .

both in the sense that it's a long intro, and that the man himself is an enormous entrance .

during this interlude, let's take a moment to ponder the popularity of Sir Shortmatches Shoutsalot here .

his popularity atm seems to hinge on the fact that he was away for 12 years .

by that logic, i've not been on wwe tv for my whole life, i should be over as fuck .

anyway, these riffs are mostly trying to distract me from the fact that this colossal entrance is universal champion now .

*facial twitch, facial twitch, sweat, snort* .

this man has  never been on any controlled substance, ladies and gentlemen .

apparently oldberg is humbled .

believe it when i see it .

and he's dedicating the red belt to the fans .

who are doing a cm punk chant, because fuck you, we're chicago .

bill nods along with it like the churchill dog .

and actually engages with the crowd .

you can't do that .

punk never existed .

this is canon .

quick, bring paul heyman in before that gets any more out of hand .

shockingly, paul hasn't come alone .

like that ever happens .

so here's Bouncy McDickchest himself .

paul dramatically introduces the two .

i'm reasonably sure they already know each other .

angry old man, meet dude who fucked your career .

brock is apparently here to shake goldberg's hand .

camera guy, can we please stop getting closeups on brock's weird, fucked-up ear .

i can't stop noticing it .

paul is just doing a speech while bill and brock twitch at each other .

whoever programmed brock's idle sequence needs firing .

am i alone in not giving a single percent of the smallest shit about this feud? .

paul calls goldberg a bitch, brock f5's him .

we get a brief recap of bromance rains, but now it's enzo and cass/gallows and anderson .

bit of smackdown editing there .

here's enzo to do some freestyling .

and his mate to do lists of people from chicago who've won things .

fun twist: all those people are michael jordan .

and here come the champions with their ongoing work in progress of an entrance .

you'll get there, guys .

dramatic recap stills of the fastlane match .

handy, because i'd forgotten the screwy finish .

couldn't remember why enzo was talking about controversy .

tbh, this is another feud i'm having some real trouble giving a shit about .

ooh, but here come sheamus and cesaro .

aka the good bit of this weird three-way feud .

just to lurk at ringside and drink coffee .

so yeah, this match is very much an event that is happening and taking up space in four dimensions .

enzo knocks cesaro's coffee out of his hands, he goes to colthesline enzo, hits anderson instead, dq, match over, let's brawl .

cesaro cleans everyone out, enzo jumps on his back princess bride-style, .

sheamus brogues him off .

i'm not sure of the physics of that .

but anyway .

the swirish connection win a segment, so i am happy .

they continue to work way better than anyoen expected .

but now, let's talk about the hall of fame .

and it's rick rude and his airbrushed crotch .

who i've just realised looks like 70's austin aries .

huh .

but i knew this, because, as aforementioned, super behind .

to the point where i have a magazine next to me with his name on the cover .

damn time-displaced television .

the hof lineup this year kind of looks like a sexual assault identity parade .

ew .

but anyway .

later, bayley talks .

but now, enzo, cass, cearo and sheamus fight backstage .

mick breaks them up, says fuck it, settle this in the ring next week, #1 contender match for mania, now fuck off .

steph appears behind him like hey mick office now .

so that's gone well .

but who cares, because now HA we HA have HA the most dynamic man in japan .

versus ariya daivari, who doesn't even get an entrance any more apparently .

well, so much for those prospects .

austin not on commentary after fighting neville .

which is definitely a shame .

his presence on mic will be sorely missed .

tozawa does his big wind-up fakeout punch, makes me wonder what'd happen if he fought tyler bate .

no punches would ever actually land .

and it'd still be compelling as shit .

seriously, that suicide dive .

fucking magic .

and snap german for the win .

so that happened .

sorry, ariya .

but more importantly, akira has a mic .

calling brian out for a match now .

and here he comes .

actually *wearing* his jacket for once .

brian's just like hey no i'll answer you tomorrow on 205 and meanwhile have lesson #5 .

end segment .

well that was basically just an advert .

but hey, it meant i got to fangirl over tozawa .

and now, here's the new day yes they are .

with their ice cream cart .

corey trying to protest and reminding us all that new day ice cream does not in fact exist yet so why do they have a box for it .

which big e is now making out with .

the man has few boundaries .

oh, apparently it's the 'new day pop-cycle' .

hooray for a pun .

big e claims that hosting mania qualifies them to host a quinceanera and a bris .

which i'm less than convinced by .

and then he calls out the shining stars, when the camera pans over and reveals they were there all along .

jobbing so hard they can teleport when people forget they exist .

so yeah, that's the match we're having right now .

and in the time it took me to type that, midnight hour to epico for the pin .

side note: i adore the vitriol corey has for new day segments .

but now a women's history month segment .

about trish and lita .

and we had byron and otunga to introduce the black history moth segments, so to introduce the women's history bit, here's...michael cole .

good job, wwe .

sigh .

but next up we have bayley, who is approximately 100000% more qualified to talk about this stuff .

but now it's...mick? .

introducing bayley .

why .

bayley comes in, embarks on high-fives and hugs and shouts to the rampside crowd, and i realise she's basically the female john cena .

bayley is everything that's great about cena .

but yeah .

mick introduces bayley, congratulates her, serves what purpose in the plot? .

bayley is sad because of the screwy finish .

god, that show had so many screwy finishes .

in a desperate attempt to make us care .

bayley points at the sign, take a shot of something wholesome and non-alcoholic .

does an inspirational speech about mania, gets emotional over her dirty victory .

mick like eh, forget about it, they all count .

asks her who her mania opponent should be .

this is not normally how it works .

but here comes sasha .

points at the sign, shot of something cooler and less wholesome .

sasha wants a match with bayley at mania .

not in an antagonistic way, just like let's burn this fucker down together .

mick supports this proposal .

but here comes charlotte .

who i'm going to go out on a limb will like it less .

and dana as her arm candy .

charlotte spins this as all a huge conspiracy against her .

continues with the wedge-driving between them .

shouts at mick, mick kicks back, enter steph .

and huge punk chants .

holy shit, steph both addressed it and explicitly mentioned punk .

i guess they can do that now he's a thing elsewhere .

steph is basically supporting charlotte's argument .

and shouting at mick for fucking up the management of her show .

fucking deafening punk chants continue throughout .

mick protests, steph is just like nope fuck you overruled bayley/charlotte at mania .

mick calls sasha the boss, steph objects .

he wants sasha involved, so proposes a contendership match next week .

steph's like okay but what about instead we have sasha/bayley right fucking now and if sasha wins we'll make it a triple threat .

because fuck you i'm stephanie mcmahon .

but first, let's have a video package of wrestlemania 1, courtesy of snickers .

wrestlemania classic .

wrestlemania cool original .

ready salted mania .

ahem .

(memo: daniel, get me some crisps) .

so yes, now we have bayley/sasha, with charlotte on announce .

and dana sitting behind her without a mic .

oh wait, no, she's standing .

i feel for dana .

can't have a headset or a chair .

this match is already joining the long list of things on this episode that are better than fastlane .

meanwhile, the huge question looming over the raw women's division remains .

namely, what in the name of all the fuck ever to have fucked is going on with emma? .

i do enjoy good-natured, low-aggression, tech-heavy matches like this .

where it's clearly just two friends putting on a show .

corey keeps addressing charlotte as 'your grace' .

that is not the accepted style of address for a queen .

what do you think this is, westeros? .

some really top-quality mat wrestling in this match .

they're both really technically strong .

i do think that's something the division has lost with it being all charlotte all the time .

charlotte and dana ominously approach the ring .

side note: have charlotte and dana basically come as the two looks of gaga from the singles off joanne? .

dana just needs a big hat and we'd be there .

sasha locks in a nasty bank statement, dana distracts the ref, sasha kicks charlotte and reapplys for the pin .

i think that's how it went down .

weird finish .

and i was distracted by whoever's at ringside with a palestinian flag whenever the camera comes near them .

bold .

cue some brawlery, ending with charlotte posing with the belt and walking off to her music .

also, clarification: i meant "for the tap" .

sasha did not somehow manage to pin her with a bank statement .

that wouldn't work in any way .

but now, let's talk about brauman strains .

and play that recap clip again, in the right place this time .

so we have braun settling his business with roman later, but first an interview with hhh and a look at seth doing physio .

but before first, charly interviews roman about how he feels about his imminent conversion to samoan-flavoured jam .

he's like yeah whatever and leaves .

welp, fuck that guy .

but now, seth/hunter .

dramatic recap clips of last week .

with hunter saying he'll fuck seth up if he comes to mania, and seth being like yeah well i'll be the last man you'll ever fuck .

(i may have paraphrased slightly) .

and now we're at the therapy centre .

where seth is doing physio three times a day .

and as somebody who's done a bunch of physio, fuck .

lots of shots of him in pain .

seth's promising to be at mania if he has to sprout wings or invent a bionic limb or whatever .

but now, triple h is LIVE via satellite from...fuck, who knows .

a questionably-decorated room somewhere .

or the base of a basalt cliff .

who knows .

hunter does his wrestling dad thing like hey i just hope seth's doing his therapy and listens to his doctors and maybe DOESN'T FUCK WITH MY SHIT .

his parenting style is questionable .

hunter's letting his facial hair grow out some, and it doesn't suit him .

calls seth out for trying to push his own nicknames, which is fair .

and reiterates his threats .

that interview was about 80% the promo from last time .

corey does a bit about wanting his friend to be sensible and not anger the gods, interrupted by FUCK YOU WOMP WOMP WOMP .

(womp womp) .

it's joe, is what i'm trying to say .

if that didn't come across .

so we're having that match now .

ooh, emma video .

confirming that yes, this whole thing was either a troll campaign or an aborted angle, and emma will be back soon with her usual look and attitude .

well thank fuck for that .

maybe she was just waiting for austin to stop using those aviators .

you know you can buy them in shops, right .

? .

and now we have jericho, wearing fewer clothes than earlier .

down to the classic pants/scarf combo .

meanwhile joe's changed the colour of his shorts again .

keeps the same style for 189 years, then as soon as he changes them, he can't stop .

apparently sami and kevin are banned from ringside for this .

thanks for mentioning that cole, since it was said at precisely no point prior to this .

Chris goes for the walls, joe's just like nope fuck you i am large and dragon screws him off .

knocks joe out of the ring, tries to baseball slide him, but joe just catches him into a coquina clutch .

chokes him out, leaves him at ringside for the countout .

which is unsatisfying yet perfect, because samoa joe personally hates each and every one of us .

brings jericho back in after the bell for some more punishment, eats a codebreaker for his trouble .

but next, raw man brains .

we see braun backstage, walking so purposefully that it just looks like he's trying to catch and possibly eat the steadicam guy .

hype bits for next week, and BRAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH .

calls roman out like this isn't for a match fuck all that wrestling bullshit i just want to kill you come out and let me .

says chicago doesn't like roman, gets the biggest face pop of the show .

long beat, roman's music .

which BONG immediately BONG becomes BONG...something else .

...why is the undertaker here .

oh right, they're gonna do taker/strowman at mania, aren't they .

makes a kind of sense .

well, this at least shows us that there are longer intros than goldberg's .

the crowd are very impressed .

awkward faceoff, then braun slowly backs out of the ring .

even he has his limits .

braun wanders out through the crowd like fuck you guys, i never wanted to be here anyway .

taker's music hits again, is interrupted by roman's .

and now he's here .

so basically, i have no fucking clue what's going on .

the crowd are less than impressed by this latest turn .

or so i think, the crowd mics are leveled down so far it's hard to tell .

taker has done nothing but stand and stare in this segment .

roman's got a mic, and he's actually talking smack to taker .

bold move .

wants him to fuck off out of roman's ring/yard/dojo/whatever metaphor .

taker stares angrily at the sign, chokeslams the life out of roman .

chicago approves, and so do i .

taker's music hits again, he walks off, still without saying a word .

maybe that half-dead squid in his voicebox has got worse .

hard to take him seriously up in roman's business going HRGMFLGHGHML .

see, i can speak squid .

and now an interlude, while i go and check that i haven't accidentally offended any cephalopods reading this and daniel rehearses his performance poetry

.

take it away .

---------------- .

That wasn't bad, Daniel .

I didn't quite get the chicken bit, and it could probably stand to lose a couple of the recitations of the full script of For A Few Dollars More, but yeah .

in any case .

Running a bit later than planned (naming no Eastwood fans), and still hopelessly behind, this is TUESDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN! .

holy shit, that's actually correct .

a fortnight off being the right tuesday, but still .

where i need someone with catchy music to turn up and get x gon give it to ya out of my head .

but we're opening with a dramatically-edited recap of the bray/randy drama/casual sacrilege .

which is mostly serving to remind me how disappointed i am that we're not getting harper/wyatt at mania .

also, booooo face randy .

but i am definitely intrigued to see how this story goes .

farewell to the hell temple barn .

before i even had the chance to make a single la-mulana reference .

(well, that one counts) .

and now we're live .

here come the moneeeeeeeey .

in his crap jacket and no tie .

also here come the bryan .

okay, apparently it's already been decided that we're getting orton/styles for the contendership tonight .

but shane opens by saying that it hasn't been decided .

i think someone should get fired .

bryan wants randy to have the match, shane backs aj .

bryan's argument is basically TRADITIONNNNNNN .

which shane counters with fucked if i know what's going on this year, tradition clearly doesn't count .

which is a sound argument .

shane's just doing his best to cope with all the shit these wacky wrestlers throw up .

and they keep bringing up vts whenever they mention shit that's happened .

guys, we watch the show .

(daniel would like me to clarify that he does not, in fact, watch the show) .

the indianapolis crowd (go colts) are conflicted about this whole situation .

so now bryan is dramatically announcing that he previously announced the plans for tonight on facebook .

not convinced this is how announcements work .

apparently this is big because we've never seen orton/styles before .

but 50% of that is randy orton, so i'm finding it a little hard to care .

but up next, the mixed tag between bella/cena and carmella/ellsworth .

and lots of shitty jokes by jbl .

(these may continue for the next 90 minutes) .

after another advert in which pitbull reminds me how close mania is getting .

aaaaaaaaa the inexorable march of time .

and now, aj collars the management backstage .

apparently there's a conspiracy against him .

and he feels the best way to deal with this is to shout at his bosses .

he's like whatever fuck it i'mma go murder randy orton peace out .

but now, ellsworth has a mic .

he's actually cutting an honest-to-god promo .

which was good until he forgot how words worked for a moment there .

seriously, the man is just lana in a bad hat .

and i kind of love him for it .

indianapolis seems a lot more pro-cena than a lot of crowds .

but now let's interrupt this episode of smackdown to talk about cena's feature interview in muscle and fitness .

odd sign on hardcam for this episode is 'PaBLO' .

weird capitalisation and all .

bell rings, miz and maryse immediately turn up .

the faces stare dumbfounded for a while, until nikki gets kicked in the head by carmella .

cut to ads, and we come back with miz and maryse on announce .

nikki tags cena, ellsworth stays on the apron like fuck this i'm out .

carmella takes it to him about this, shoves him bodily into cena .

then starts shouting at cena, and gets smacked down by nikki .

nikki and cena both do five knuckle shuffles, and it's evident which of them has done it every match for a decade .

into an aa and a rack attack, for the pin .

at which point miz and maryse immediately blindside them .

and now miz gets to do his speech .

apparently cena is a liar and his relationship with nikki is a sham .

because we're dredging the pre-nup drama from season 1 of total divas up again? .

and apparently cena is stealing miz's shtick .

and doing everything in service of his brand .

which is kind of true? .

i do love it when miz gets to properly rip into someone .

maryse takes the mic purely so she can call nikki a bitch and then throw it at her .

makeout, end segment .

apparently later alexa will be presenting a 'blissertation' .

fuck the what .

but now renee nervously interviews randy at his dressing room .

he's like fuck alla y'all, i burnt down a hell church .

which is a solid argument .

cursory hall of fame thing, rick rude still a person that existed .

cut to the ring, where curt hawkins is suddenly here and calling out dean ambrose .

what the fuck is even your deal, dude .

oh hey, dean is actually coming .

comes out with the ic belt i forgot he had .

coldcocks curt halfway down the ramp, proceeds to call out baron himself .

meanwhile, tom calls curt hawkins 'burt', and mauro calls him 'chad' .

ooooooh, callout about baron not having testicles .

3edgy5me .

baron appears on the tron from his alleyway .

promises to kill dean when he wants to .

dean resolves to come to him instead, perfunctorily hits a dirty deeds on curt on the way out for giggles .

women's history month thing, announced by precisely no women .

also, this is the exact same video as on raw .

black history month had different people each night .

but nope, we can't think of that many women .

and now, dean is backstage looking for a giant dickhead .

weird cut .

to an advert for the kids' choice awards? .

whatever, smackdown .

you do you .

and then cut back to dean, elsewhere backstage .

and then to dasha interviewing mojo rawley? .

FUCK .

SLOW DOWN .

mojo's wearing a waistcoat and tie, and it looks like his mum dressed him .

he's entering the andre the giant battle royal, because that's apparently still a thing .

dolph appears to mock him .

although how you can mock anyone when you're rocking that horrible topknot and low-cut top combo .

mojo gets to throw a bit of shade back, dolph leaves .

cut to dean somewhere else, because smackdown wants me to have an aneurysm .

and baron ambushes dean and just fucking assaults him with a pipe .

dean's just like yeah okay good talk .

because dean .

baron drops him under the prongs of a forklift and lowers them on him .

is this a reference i think it iiiiiiis .

security appear to remind baron he's not allowed to operate machinery .

and call medical for dean .

cut back to the arena, where jbl's take on the situation is basically 'welp, fuck that guy' .

and i can't argue .

but now here are alexa and mickie .

for the oh god i'm not typing that horrible pun again .

this segment presented by snickers: eat a snickers, do a thing. .

alexa's on the mic, and already fire as usual .

she's like oh hey who am i not going to be fighting at mania point at the siiiiiiiign .

she proceeds to list basically the entire division .

while mickie laughs at her jokes .

starts talking smack about becky, and guess who turns up .

(it's not david arquette) .

she's here to make a beclaration .

which she apologises for immediately .

becky says she's going to kill her at mania point at the siiiiiign, and here's nattie? .

becky has been addressed as 'chucky' and 'beaker' so far this segment .

i think they might be reaching a bit .

aparently nattie and alexa are "championship calibre material" .

that is not how those words work .

alexa's immediately just like ha fuck no i'm not fighting you .

argument ensues, mickie shouts them all down for interrupting alexa's segment .

while they should be announcing how mickie's going to fight alexa .

alexa's just like ummmm excuse you .

nobody actually knows what's going on .

cue general argument .

but hey, here's bryan to resolve matters for these feeble women .

he's just like um guys this segment is shit let's sort it out .

apparently him and shane have decided alexa can prove that she's the best in the division by fighting everyone in it .

because hey, why should the tag division have all the 'chuck everyone in the same match because fuck it' fun? .

and he's also making a cheap teddy long reference .

and also a tag match with these four .

becky/nattie, which makes approximately no fuckng sense .

but then, i guess tensions are a bit high in the heel corner as well .

alexa goes down to the shittiest basement dropkick ever from nattie .

more akin to just slipping on an unexpected icy patch .

luckily, becky tags herself in to kick it up approximately 213 notches .

i could watch becky/mickie and becky/bliss for a long time .

i mean, i do still think nattie's largely underappreciated, but everyone else in this is just *so much better* .

heel shenanigans take becky down for a weirdly long time of nothing at shitting all .

nattie is trying to urge her partner on in a very familiar wrestling-mum way .

has she forgotten she's a heel now .

becky doesn't give a shit, and is just winning the match on her own .

until nattie just comes in and suplexes her because fuck it .

nattie walks out, alexa gets the pin .

good match, but why the fuck would it not be .

alexa and micke celebrate, right up until mickie kicks alexa in the head and poses with her belt .

smackdown live, where everyone hates everyone .

now let's have an ad for summerslam, because forward planning is good, kids .

and some recap vids of the baron/dean attitude segment .

which just serve to let jbl complain more .

oh, and a medical statement .

which basically informs us that dean's chest is suffering from a nasty case of 'having a fucking forklift lowered on it' .

talking smack this week has miz and maryse, alexa bliss, and...apollo crews? really? .

was the idea not to have people who were actually on the fucking main show? .

but in happier news, here's austin aries to do a 205 ad .

he looks weird without the shades .

but now, our main event .

they continue not to want none .

aj has a mic .

and is calling out the ridiculous double standards around this match .

he wins a bunch of matches, still has to fight for this spot and generally to be taken seriously, while randy burn's down a man's house and gets a title shot for it .

when you put it like that, wrestling all seems kind of ridiculous .

crowd start chanting for aj, he only gets more pissed off .

like shut up guys i know who i am .

and here comes said unrepentant arsonist .

everyone's hyping 'the greatest smackdown live main event ever', and i can't help but feel like we'll be disappointed .

match starts, and the crowd have no clue who to chant for .

well this is certainly a lot of side headlocks .

otunga calls randy's infiltration of the wyatts "one of the most methodical plans ever seen in wwe" .

which is not exactly the highest bar .

planning has never been the strong suit of anyone involved .

this is a very methodical match on the part of aj, which is to say it's really fucking dull .

woman in the crowd starts talking really loud shit at aj while he's at ringside, so randy drops him on the barricade right in front of her .

after which she really awkwardly tries to touch randy .

fuck the wrestling, there's a biopic right there .

i want to know more about this weirdly invested lady .

aj gets randy in one of those aggressive hug submission holds where it's really hard to tell who's trying to submit who .

his main offence in this is either headlocks or kicking randy in the legs .

like i say, that's a style that makes perfect logical sense and probably works, but that is not what we watch pro wrestling for .

randy does his big powerslam, followed by a full nelson slam rather than his usual vipering out .

side note: aj still has the club insignia on his tights .

did we ever get a clear conclusion on whether they're still friends or anything? .

randy tries to spike aj off the turnbuckle, gets a facefull of ring post and an ushigoroshi for his trouble .

aj winds up the styles clash for about fourteen years, randy counters out into his draping ddt .

which aj also counters out of .

into a calf crusher .

still one of the more legit painful-looking holds out there .

randy gets to the ropes after much manly roaring .

aj goes for a stinger splash, randy counters by just being like oh hey i can walk away from this spot .

does the draping ddt, snakes up the band .

but aj counters the rko with a pele kick .

okay, this match took some time to get going, btu this is good .

aj starts the phenomenal forearm then cancels out, leading randy to rko some air .

but then randy dodges a springboard 450 into a popup rko for the pin .

so we're back to bray/randy at mania .

remind me again what the point of the last month was? .

randy gets up on the turnbuckle, appears briefly torn between doing the pretty and pointing at the siiiiiiign, then plumps for the latter while a despondent aj lies on the ramp .

and so we fade, with an overwhelming sense of inevitability .

on which note, time is continuing to move forward, so i'll cut myself off now, but expect me back sooner rather than later .

daniel, roll credits .

YOU HAVE BEEN READING WWEM .

WORDS: EMMA .

EVERYTHING ELSE: DANIEL (ALSO THESE WORDS)