#fucking hell i'm already tired of my mom and i've only been here 3 days

[heavenknowsffs]

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[mozzafiato-e9-angelrealm]

Earth Nine Oneshot

Posted from my quotev

2,408 Words

I arrive at basic training for the Marines. The day I get there is 4/6/3/1993 Fresh out of Hogwarts, I'm 18 years old and was scouted out by a few government agents due to some experiments that were performed on me when I was young. They sent a fellow military trainee named Billy Russo to keep an eye on me and make sure that I took the offer they gave. 

I step out of the vehicle that I was transported here in from the airport. Russo is following close behind as we walk to the barracks on base. 

"Did you actually know who you were looking for, Russo? Or did you just guess at it?"I ask as we walk. 

"I knew. They gave me a full profile because they wanted to be sure that they really got you and that you weren't hiding out or faking. Did they run tests yet?"

"No. Just the longest interview I've ever had to do and the most personal one."

"Hopefully you're used to being poked and prodded then because you'll be dealing with quite a lot of that tonight."

"Why be honest with me though? You're probably safer if you don't. You could've just told me it was some chance meeting. Acted like you didn't know who I was or something."

"Yeah, that sounded awful. You've had enough issues as is you don't need more of them. I read all the things they found out about you. Your mom dying when you were hardly two months old, being left on the street as an infant, being kidnapped and genetically engineered until age ten, being adopted and taken in by wizards. Must've turned your whole world around."

"Oh it did. How'd you know I was kidnapped though?"

"Because apparently our boss knows a lot about the guy who did it though they haven't been able to catch him yet. Apparently he's known for genetically fucking people over."

"Wow. So he's been stalking me. Great selling point."

"You have abilities that others don't and the people we work for now think it could help with whatever they're trying to do. So they just want to make sure you're who they think you are. And that you can actually do what they're hoping for. Hopefully it just means some quick tests and extensive training. I don't want anything further that could endanger you."

"I'm sure you're getting tired of my questioning you but, why did that come off as 'in danger' to you?"

"I guarantee you can handle yourself. I met your mom. But I just don't want anyone else doing worse to you than has already been done. You've had one hell of a life. I just don't want to make it any harder if it can be avoided is all."

"Sounds like you've had a shit life too."

"Yeah, but I'm not explaining that."

"Fair. Probably smart too."

"They only do background checks on those with such... unique problems. Mine probably are nothing of interest to anyone but me."

"Unique? Sounds like I'm not the only one with my issues."

"Oh believe me, you're unique. How many blood tests have you had since you were born?"

"Like a million. Why?"

"Exactly. If you weren't unique, they wouldn't test you like that. They would've known that it worked and moved on. It's not a routine procedure if they have to keep testing it to make sure each and every awful thing they did to you actually worked. It was an experimental thing. They wanted to know what you could take even if you died doing it. Luckily they got their creepy ass order right because you're still alive and you're doing just fine. Apparently fine enough to be a soldier."

"You could not have read all of that."

"We have the results of every test they ever did to confirm things."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that your original parents were demons that's why your last name is Morningstar. And why you were instructed not to use it because if it ever came up on your ID you'd be cast aside and put in an asylum for the rest of your life whether you could control it or not."

"I knew that part. Sarge explained it to me. What else?"

"Well, you're related to more deities than humans as far as we know. The tests they did weren't extensive enough to find out everyone those experiments effected. You also use magic, but you knew that part. That magic extends much further than just the spells you were taught in school and the kinds of magic that you were told about. You also have superhuman abilities that haven't been explored nearly enough to tell what all of them are. There's a lot of them that we hadn't heard of before your case."

"Wow, you sound like you know more than they wanted you to."

"I saw the blood tests and didn't want to be completely oblivious to what was going on."

"At least you're smart."

We make it to the barracks and are immediately met at the door by the sergeant and doctor that I talked to upon signing my contract for the military. 

"You won't be joining the other soldiers just yet."the doctor says.

"May I ask why?"I reply.

"There's still some processing needed before we can determine your starting place."

"What does that entail?"

"It'll all be explained later. Just not here."

"Fine."

"Russo, you're dismissed."Sergeant Orange says.

"I apologize if it's considered disrespect, sir, but he's not going anywhere if I'm not next to him. I was told to overlook everything that happens regarding him and I'll do it. That part isn't optional. I go with or I will drive him back to England myself."Russo replies firmly, crossing his arms over his chest.

"And who assigned this?"

"Schoonover did, sir."

"I suppose I can't undermine that then. But if you're out of line even once or if you're preventing any of us from doing our jobs, you'll be removed and put on patrol for the rest of the week, reports only."

"Understood sir."

Russo and I follow our two superiors to a chopper which takes us to the only normal looking building on the whole base. We go inside to find a decked out hospital room. I look around me, trying to ignore the itching feeling that something's wrong about this that's sitting in the back of my mind.

"The tests we're running are only to confirm and extend our knowledge of what you went through. You'll see the results and the whole process so that you can refuse at any time."the doctor explains. 

"I don't know that I will refuse. I remember too much of what happened to just not want to know exactly what they did."

"That's understandable, Mr. Gold."

"What's first?"

The next week is endless hours of repeated tests all testing different things including a ton of workout training. We must've written a novel just about my heritage and abilities by the end of that week. 

I get a few days off before I start basic training and in turn so does Russo since he's to be by my side regardless of what's going on at least for now. 

Russo and I are just sitting in the barracks talking.

"So when you said 'superhuman abilities', you neglected to mention that you meant almost every one ever mentioned in any superhero ever."I say before taking a sip out of my water bottle.

"Well, in my defense I thought it'd only be a few of them. Maybe some super strength or something. Not so much, everything. I guess when that lunatic saw what you could take as a little kid, he wanted to do everything he could."

I laugh. "Wouldn't you?"

"No. I wouldn't wanna accidentally kill you."

"Awe, already attached, Billy?"I tease him.

"Something like that. I just don't wanna lose my job for hating you enough to do something like that."

"Yeah, because you're so sweet."

"I'm really not. I just happen to give a shit about you."

"Wow. I must be special."

"Oh shut up."

I take another sip of my drink. Schoonover walks in here and sits on the cot beside mine.

"I apologize for not having reached out since our first meeting. I got a bit overwhelmed with work. How'd those tests go?"he asks.

"One, your demeanor changed which means you know what they found."

"Usually that tone would be insubordination."

"Why am I special then?"

"Because firing you could end worse for us than it could for you. Continue though."

"The tests were fine. I'm used to that kind of intensity for things I don't have any control over. I would advise that you find someone more attuned to administering them though because it seems that your military operation lacks the proper equipment to deal with supernatural and superhuman abilities. I understand this is the same military that curated Captain America but it doesn't seem to be far enough."

"I see you know quite a lot then."

"Yes sir."

"Have anyone in mind that you would prefer to work with?"

"No sir. I'm not the type to request that kind of information. I just happened to notice that your doctors seemed out of their element when they saw what I could do."

"And what can you do?"

"What? Expecting a showcase?"

"Only so I know what I'm dealing with on some level."

"Russo you're gonna wanna back up."

Russo gets up from where he's laying on his cot and moves to one a few feet away. I get up from where I'm sitting and take my uniform jacket off. I use magic to create two matching longswords, blades so black they could be considered nonexistent, the handles slightly curved. 

"Simple magic."Schoonover says.

"I know. Might as well start slow though."

Russo walks over and takes the blades from me, putting them in one of the crates under his cot before sitting back down on the one he'd moved to before.

"Try something with more of a kick to it."Schoonover says.

"Yes sir."

I use a spell to make a suit instead. It's a spiderman suit with a black chestplate and a dark blue hood with black lining. It already appears on my body when I make it. I shoot a web onto one of the rafters and wing from it, repeating that from one end of the barracks to the other.

"So the superhuman part was right then."Schoonover says.

"Yes sir."Ireply, taking my mask off as I sit back down.

"The tests said you could create living things as well."

"With powers you mean?"

"Yes."

"I haven't tried it but I probably can. I'll need an idea though cause it doesn't just come right off the top of my head."

"Any animal. Mythical just to see if it works."

I use magic to create a baby Gryffin egg. The egg appears in the palms of my hands and when it does, it cracks open and an infant Gryffin sits on the inside of it.

"Is it living? Like could you call it or something?"Schoonover asks.

"If it is, my mom's gonna have to come down here and get it. Or Lupin will I suppose."

"That's fine. We have contracts with them as well."

"Understood."

I slide one finger gently along the Gryffin's beak, waking it up and causing it to snap at me. I curse softly and pull my hand away, gently setting the egg on the cot beside me.

"Yes, it's awake."I say."I'll send an owl for my mom."

"Can you create other weapons than just blades?"

"Yeah."

I use magic once again, making a silver pistol appear in my hand, a magazine full of bullets already loaded in it. I set that aside as well.

"Anything else or did you just need confirmation that the creation spell worked?"I ask.

"Nothing else. I'm sure I'll learn everything else when you begin training."

"Sounds taxing."

He laughs at that and leaves once more. I write a quick letter to my mom Minerva Mcgonnogal and have an owl send it. The Gryffin I spawned climbs out of its egg and sits in my lap. It's maybe an hour later when mom arrives. 

When mom gets here she sits beside me on the cot. 

"Why would you choose a gryffin? You know they're birds. They form bonds before they're even fully removed from their shell."she asks.

"Because it's the first creature that came to mind. I though about being home and well, it sort of just happened."

"I can't take it with me. You've created a bond by touching it. I understand you're under quite a load of stress at the moment but it's important that you don't forget what you've learned."

"So I have to raise it now?"

"Yes. When you leave the military, it can stay at Hogwarts. But until then you need to take care of it."

"Could you at least send supplies and explain all that to my commander? I mean, I don't fully know what I'm doing. I don't know what to do with companions or pets seeing as I've never had one before."

"I'll still make sure that you're successful in taking care of it. I'm still your parent and your teacher. But you'll also need to learn how to take care of things on your own."

"Yes ma'am."

She leaves to talk to my commander. I pet the Gryffin's head, making it make a vague purring sound at me. 

Billy Russo, Agent Orange, Sergeant Schoonover -The Punisher (2018)

Minerva Mcgonnogal - Harry Potter

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[lemonadebloodsworld]

Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting

[1-800-chelsea]

word vomit because i have no one to tell these things to

sometimes it feels like the only person in this world that truly understands me is my mom. to tell her how for awhile now i've felt happy maybe only 1 week out of every month, for her to describe it as that one week feeling "manic", and the other 3 apathetic, literally took the words right out of my mouth. and she begs me not to take any more medications. it's probably just putting a bandaid on an open wound. but i don't know what else i'm supposed to do. i don't think i need another therapist. i don't think i need more friends. but if i'm being totally transparent, i don't know what i need, or what i don't need. and she tells me she thinks i'm doing alright as long as i'm happy. and i reply, "mhmm," because i don't have the guts to tell her that i'm not. i already had a headache, i didn't need it to worsen because anyone that knows me, knows i can't be honest without crying. it was late & i know she was tired. i'm not trying to add to her pile of stressors.

and as i lie here with hot tears rolling down my face, my cat sniffing & licking my cheeks wondering what's wrong, i think i jumped in too fast. and my mom told me that only i know the answer to that, but i do i? i think i made a lot of rash decisions. i wonder if i'm suffering from a psychotic break. i don't know how to get out of this rut. i have not felt like myself for a very long time, but i wonder if i even really know who i am anymore, or if i ever did to begin with. and i don't want sympathy, i don't want help. i don't want anything, from anyone. i've been trying so hard to dig deep & figure out what the cause of these feelings are, and i'm clueless. i've become a workaholic because it's the only "healthy" distraction i have to focus on something other than whatever the hell is wrong with me. each weekend rolls around and it's like pulling fucking teeth to get myself out of bed, to get shit done, to see the light of day. if it wasn't for my cat, i don't think i'd move hardly an inch.

and here i go again, getting another innocent person wrapped up in my bullshit. i try so hard to warn people, i cannot be fixed. i'm not looking to be fixed. it makes me feel even worse that i'll probably fuck up someone else's peace of mind because i'm struggling to find my own. i feel like i should come with a warning label. a friend asked me the other day why i'm "feeling dead inside". and at first, it was just a joke. but after some thought, i just don't know what i'm doing with my life anymore. have i made the right decisions? am i making the right decisions? should i push everyone away until i feel stable? when will i know? do i take up the offer to move away and "start over"?

i used to wonder how people got to this point in their lives. and i could never imagine myself feeling that way. and i don't know how much lower it gets than this. how do you know when you've hit rock bottom? how do you know when you've given all you've got? so many questions without answers. and i become so fearful of the unknown, what's to come. my first winter, "alone". i don't thrive this time of year. i know what i'm capable of, and that scares me. i've survived this long and have no intentions of giving up, but how much longer will i feel this low? how does someone like me, whose been to hell & back so many times, just keep going? i'm so tired.

i guess i just continue to take life day by day. maybe someday i'll begin to recognize myself when i look in the mirror. today's the first day in a really long time that i've cried. and maybe that's a good thing, maybe that's apart of the healing process. maybe i just need a really long hug, and a shoulder to cry on.

[monstrous-beauty]

Monstrous Beauty Text Posts

Jake: What (and i cannot stress this enough) the fuck/ sure. blame the guy who's a huge idiot who causes a lot problems, again/ Me in jail: so are you guys familiar with the cell block tango/ Apparently "the vibes are off" isn't a just excuse to leave work early/ what, from the bottom of my heart, the fuck/ what doesn't kill doesn't kill you/ yesterday at target the cashier said "your receipt is the bag* and I responded with "you too" so I've been dealing with that for the past 18 hours but I'm slowly coming to terms with it which is cool/ *enters my own password* i'm in/ due to personal reasons I will be cheating death/ *gets down on one knee* *gets down on the other* *doesn't get up ever*/ Not to be dramatic but if I don't get my life together I will die/ I have pure intentions, bitch! you can't kill me/ cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you me: yeah he was not very friendly

Storm: Which is messier my life or my hair/ "I am unknowable" I say as I overshare my biggest childhood trauma's in the first conversation with someone/ I love laying the FUCK down and sleeping/ me: [vibrating slightly because I had too much caffeine] everything in the world is my fault/ my only goal in life is to destroy the space-time continuum/ i am a huge fan of space, both outer and personal/ Yeah sex is great but have you looked at common English words and then followed their systematic time changes back through Old English and Proto-Germanic all to the way to their Proto-Indo-European roots, whispered one of those roots out loud, and been overwhelmed by a sense of Lovecraftian insignificance as it dawns on you that you just reached back across scores of centuries and spoke a word older than civilization itself?/ but i don't have a hyperfixation i'll die

Adrienne: im so tired of this life. i want to be a roomba. i want knives taped to me. i want to be set loose./ are my prophetic visions a joke to you/ There has been a lady inside my head screaming for the past 10 years and u think taking a bath and doing yoga will stop her? U are wrong. She is a very mad lady and she will not be silenced/ Cranky because you haven't had any prophetic dreams to aid you on your quest aren't you/ i wish it was 1600 so i cood spelle words howe everr my harte destyred/ me: *hangs out with little kids and tries to teach them self love and feminist ideas*/ Pros and cons of wearing all black pros: hot as hell cons: hot as hell/ If someone points at your black clothes and asks you who's funeral it is, a look around the room and casual "haven't decided yet" is a good response

Solais: mentally i'm at least 5"11. physically? don't worry about it/ don't call yourself edgy unless you talk to dead people and have daddy issues/ im a simple gal. people raise their voices at me, i cry for an hour/ once i figure out how to hold a conversation it's frienship for you bitches/ me: *is tiny* me: (;'._.');/ no homo bro *thinks about you* thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you*/ Listen man I'm just trying to wear soft sweaters and read my books and love myself/ i was put on this earth to eat bagels and be gay/ actually Ratatouille is the dish's name, you're thinking of Ratatouille's monster. im what the kids call

attention seeking/ me gay? why yes thank you for noticing/ on all levels except physical, i am a little heart shaped candy that says "i'm all yours!"/ nothing is awkward or cheesy if you don't give a fuck. i'm on this earth to have a good time. not to be cool./ i aspire to be one of those people who is known for always smelling good and treating people kindly/ big heart energy/ me @ you: >> this is my protecting women and girls knife/ doing violence tonight so watch out if you're weak to attacks/ why did my last two braincells have to be a sad one and a stupid one/ goes to the kitchen holds a knife in my hand for a while. puts it back. goes back to my room

Mal: these hands rated e for everyone/ forgive me father for I have sinned in all the coolest and most glamorous ways possible/ "I expected better from you" well that was your fault lmao i got nothing to do with that/ im beautiful im delicious i literally cannot die i want 200 dollars/ friendly reminder that i literally cannot die, and id love to see any of you fuckers try to take me down/ Slutty in theory but not in practice/ I just wannna be vaguely unsettling, not even scary or creepy, I just want people to look at me and feel like there's something A Little Bit Wrong but they don't know what when they tell the story of the slighty cryptid being to their friends later/ Hmmm gay rights but only for me i think? The rest of you are on your own/ i say i'm gay a lot for someone who is technically bisexual/ occupation: the family disappointment/ [steps on my emotions and grinds them under my heel] anyways/ i am evil and not straight/ me: breathes parents: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE/ you ever listen to your dad talk and be like "why are you like this?"/ dont you hate when you wake up and you're awake/ oh god...oh fuck...*yearns*/ Due to personal reasons I'll be going feral/ Quitting school to become a plant who wants to join me we can make a forest/ Anyways! *climbs out of the scattered and ruined debris of my feelings*/ so what if i love you. shut up/ i ask myself 48 times a day "am I being dramatic? Is this #toomuch?" the answer is always yes of course/ *lawyer voice* eat a dick, your honor/ I may seem like an asshole but deep down I'm good person and even deeper down I'm a bigger asshole/ in my defense, i was left unattended