#fuck i already have enough podcast crushes i didn't need another

[radicallacceptance]

I feel so much guilt over my sexual feelings... I don't know where the line is. I think being in such a sex negative environment where there is so much focus on sexual violence and male depravity makes it hard for me to not feel naseous about sex sometimes. I've never really learned how to have my own sexual imagination. I feel like it's broken and I want to have one but sometimes the guidance helps. The porn industry sucks but I used it for a while... I struggled with stopping but I felt guilty knowing that I don't know what situation these people are in and that they are so exploited within the industry. I did eventually stop. But I still read fanfiction.

I was kind of a fujo honestly. I think I liked to dissociate from myself. Like I didn't want to project onto any female character in m/f. And I didnt like the way they were often portrayed in f/f. Less real and more childlike and feminine. And I guess just because I was into m/m... and it was available. I didn't want to fetishize gay men, but the fics I read weren't fetishizing they were really humanizing in my opinion. It's just not the same... I didn't like the girls that would treat real life gay men like they were characters they could toy around with and ship with people and treat like a stereotype. It made me really angry to see a few of the girls treat my gay male friend like that.

I'm not really into that now... I'm not fully sure I know why. I think I have some sort of aversion to male genitalia now, but I clearly wasn't like that before... I think I've always had an aversion to the idea of male genitalia inside me. Maybe that's why I wanted to dissociate from it. And maybe I did actually project onto a character to some extent, but moreso the top... Does that make me an autoandrophile? Does seeing myself as a guy that has a dick and does the fucking turn me on? Maybe... All I can say is I certainly have the thrust instinct, and I've never liked to put anything inside of me. Maybe that's not too abnormal...

I mostly read f/f fanfiction now. Or also... t4t m/m. Which I also feel guilty about because I feel like a chaser. Like I'm fetishizing them when in real life they would hate me. But idk :/ it's the best way I can find masc female characters and good lesbian sex. And maybe also having a crush on that one detrans blogger (or... multiple honestly) made me start thinking about the bottom growth and... idk. I feel bad about it again but... I find it appealing.

In reality tho I just couldn't be with anyone that couldn't accept their female body... Or that would try to cancel me for thinking kids that hate their bodies should go to therapy and learn techniques for self acceptance... that it's wrong and unhealthy to let them transition especially before they finish puberty... Not that it matters what either of us thinks. The idea of it now, that I have to have a politically correct and pure stance on everything and so does my partner when we're just two people with barely any effect on politics anyways... I just can't imagine going back to that modern social justice mindset. It just doesn't really matter. What matters is how we treat people, ultimately. I don't need to agree with a partner but we have to be able to respect each other. And to be able to talk about our views and ideas to some extent... To have shared values.

But now I have had a real life experience with a real life masc lesbian... which I didn't think was possible for me, but it happened and I sometimes think I made it up. It wouldn't have happened if she weren't assertive enough for the both of us. She's so confident. I told her that. I said to her, "you're so fucking hot and you know it."

It felt special. But it hurt, because I knew that I was less special to her. Because she had already been with so many women and we had just met. I feel weird saying that like I'm some podcast bro that cares about body count, but it actually does matter on some level... Because I could just be another notch on the bed post for her but she was my first, and probably only for a long time going forward. Maybe that's why I didn't let her fuck me back. Or maybe I'm actually stone. Maybe I really am meant to give and not meant to receive. Maybe I could find someone that doesn't expect me to...

She's also kind of fucked up. Like sadistic. I would feel better about it if she also thought it was fucked up. She told me that she once held a knife against a girl while she fucked her. She also bit me really hard. And probably wanted to hit me, but I wouldn't talk about it first so she didn't. I don't want that. I don't want to feel hurt, I want to feel loved... I don't like it being called vanilla... I just want passionate and loving sex.

We had passionate and loving sex. She felt so good. The feel of her body and the sound of her moaning. The wetness inside her. Getting lost in kissing her. Kissing down her neck and sucking on her breast. The repetitive motion of my fingers going in and out of her. God, it was really really good. She was amazing. I didn't know what I was doing really. She told me I fucked her really good but I was scared that I didn't. That she was just saying that. And the moment after, after she has orgasmed, when we just laid on top of each other on the bed, limbs intertwined, embracing... the intimacy of that moment. Like nothing I've ever felt and now I feel so starved of it. I fucked her again the next morning.

I got really obsessed with her. I thought about her constantly. I got really excited because she acted like we were gonna be together for real. And then on our next date things were weird. I was weirdly attached and self conscious and insecure and she was aloof like it didnt really affect her either way. Like nothing had happened. Which made it worse for me. And then she changed her mind over text and said it wasn't gonna work out. And I sobbed. And got angry.

And then she texted me again and I gave her a second chance and it was basically the same thing over again. I fucked her twice in one night and some time after we parted she decided we couldnt be together. And the third time when she texted me and needed me to come over and said we would talk, I wouldn't let her turn it sexual. And I got upset because I felt like this was a pattern and also that maybe I didn't want to fuck her every time I saw her. That she was way more sexual than me and she was also pressuring me after I said I didn't want to. I felt like I wouldn't be able to keep up with her but I also felt so misunderstood. And replaceable. Like I could be anyone... because she was projecting something onto me without really knowing me.

My coworker said I got love bombed. I don't think it was intentional, I think she's just kind of fucked up. She has trauma. You know. But... it's still unfair that she treated me this way. I know I come off as emotionally unstable but I can take care of myself... She really shouldn't have talked up the idea of a future together so soon. And I knew that at the time, no matter how much I wanted it. Even when I let myself get hopeful. I knew it was too soon.

[gradually-watermel0n]

the thief among us is the funniest thing i have ever heard, i've said it before but huge arsene lupin vibes i love nureyev so much ajdhdjksjsjk

[charleecat-bat]

how bout vector? (if he wasn't asked about already)

He has no! This is the third one i've gotten and they're all been about the power types. I love it hehehe.

Vector, similarly to Storm, has become a favourite of mine to play around with. I've always liked him and found him interesting but I hadn't played around with him much until I started doing AU's (you can blame @barsikscorner's for that lol we ramble about au's and stuff constantly)

College AU- Vector in this AU lives with his mother as well as Espio and Charmy, who are his adopted brothers. They're kinda poor and their mother (And sometimes Vector and Espio if they're able) work hard to earn enough money to get by, and they worked hard to try and get into college. Vector at first wanted to study law in order to get a successful and high-paying job... but man, the course drained him mentally and emotionally he just hated it. He kinda had a bit of a breakdown, and he had to go on break for a bit, but then he eventually changed his course after looking at some other opportunities. He then changed his major to criminology which is much more his style, and he's having a blast with it. He's a good guy and still has a heart of god despite his appearance and attitude. He's also in the music and sports clubs and has a ball with them. If he's not listening to music and jamming out, then he's listening to crime podcasts which sometimes can disturb the fuck outta Espio and his mother lmao. It's also a reoccurring joke in the AU that romance doesn't go his way, he either gets crushes but they like someone else or dont' like him back or he tries to date and it just doesn't work for him lol but he does eventually meet Vanilla in the AU who is a young mother who recently had her baby girl Cream and that relationship is interesting hehe

Gem/SU AU- In this AU, he's a jasper too, Rainforest Jasper. Since they're quite rare he was unique, but he came out slightly defective, not completely but if you compare him to the other jaspers there's a noticeable difference in that he's kinda skinnier compared to the other burly big tanks. He's a little insecure about this, especially if it's actually pointed out. He doesn't tell anyone he's technically a defective brand gem. He worked in a team much like the other Jaspers but then was eventually reassigned and put to work under Vanilla/Petrified Wood to be her personal guard. Vector/RJ worked under her for a long time and man he was in LOVE with her. He adored her with his every being but he never said anything about his feelings cause well, Homeworld would absolutely forbid any sort of relationship like that. At one point something happens (I haven't decided exactly what yet) and it gets him in trouble to the point that Vanilla/Petrified Wood is told that he needs to be shattered and he'll be replaced with another Jasper Guard due to his incompetence. Poor Vec/RJ is terrified of this and heartbroken when she initially accepts this and takes him away... only for her to tell him to take one the airships and flee, as far as he can, so he can live. He really didn't want to leave her but she didn't want to watch him die so he did. During his time of being alone and travelling he did meet the others, including his buddies Espio/Charoite and Charmy/Honey Calcite. Vanilla/Petri is still a sore spot and he misses her terribly even after all this time... best not to mention her around him.

Ghost AU- He has a big part in this AU. Things go badly for him as more of his friends continue to die suddenly and tragically, he attempts to try and figure stuff out on his own as the police had proven to not do enough in his opinion. He would've been involved more when it came time to actually investigate the hotel where the murders continued to happen, but he wanted to stay with the very fragile Vanilla who had lost her daughter. So he trusted Espio and Mighty to investigate for him... and when he got a concerning phone call about a very dangerously ill Mighty and Espio not calling him back, he quickly made his way over only to find them dead. This made him shut down for a long while, unsure how to react to all of this. Despite his emotions, he pushes them down with work. His office becomes a mess of this investigation, becoming determined as all hell to find out who's the killer behind all of this. He keep his office locked so Charmy and the other kids he's taken upon himself to look after now don't see the horrors he's grown desensitized too. He loses a lot of weight in this AU and h'es clearly sleep-deprived and not eating properly. He's been drinking a lot more though (he's not addicted dont' worry but he's definitely doing it more than he should. more as a way to cope right now). This AU is a mess for a LOT of the characters.

Magic AU- His name in this AU is Vector Marblemaw. He runs a watchman service (basically like his detective agency) which mostly aids in public safety, crime prevention, crime detection, and recovery of stolen goods, whether enchanted or not. His magical specialty is seen as unusual but it fits him well, which is incantation/vocal magic. Basically, his voice is the source of his magic. Can range from powerful shouts as attacks to soft-spoken tones as gentle healing spells. (he can basically be the Dragonborn lmao). He's got a whale as a familiar, he used to be embarrassed to have it when he was a kid but not anymore, he got over it. I also joke that in this version of Vector makes me think of the STOP YOU VIOLATED LAW meme.

Mermaid AU- As much as my friends joked that he didn't NEED to be another creature to be included I still did it lol. He's an Orca/Killer Whale in this AU. I have learnt too much about Orcas and I believe their sadistic assholes to everything BUT humans so I kinda influenced that in the AU. He grew up in a pod but they were dicks to everyone but each other and he didn't like that. So he eventually left which is deemed unusual for his kind but he just couldn't stand being around them anymore. He was lonely for a long time but he made some friends and sticks with them now. Other merfolk at first a little afraid of him at first but he tries his best to prove his a good guy... unless you decide to fuck with him and then he'll fuck you up even more. Mama didn't raise no bitch.

Monster AU (and the Cursed AU-) In this AU he's a Wyvern, basically a type of dragon but has wings and back legs instead of four legs and wings on the back. I imagine in his 'main form' as I call it when h'es not full wyvern he has hands though cause man it'd be annoying if he didn't have them lmao I keep going back and forth that he either breaths fire like a regular dragon boi or a more unique idea is that he spits acid. I haven't decided yet. I imagine he was born this way and raised by his mother but she was unfortunately killed by monster hunters when he was young and had to raise himself from that point on. He really hates mortals because of this. He and Espio (an Eastern dragon) met as kids and stuck together to keep each other safe, and as adults, they found little Charmy an imp who somehow wondered out of the underworld. Now that's Vectors son lmao He does eventually meet Vanilla whos' a dryad, and of course, he crushes on her, TALL NATURE LADY IS HOT, and he helps look after her little fairy daughter.

Pokemon AU- I imagined he's a detective in this too, at least at this point in time. Almost all of his pokemon have to do with his huge interest in music however or at least soundwave related. His team consists of Swoobat, Loudred, Obstagoon, Toxtricity (High amp/the yellow and purple one) and a Shiny Noivern. His newest one is a little Fuecoco and it's his baby, there's no thought behind its' eyes but man it adores him and he adores it right back. If he's having a hard time handling cold weather Fuecoco snuggles right up to him to warm him up. <3

The Quarry AU- He's one of the main characters in this AU. He's one of the counsellors that come to volunteer at the Summer Camp. He signed up with Espio to keep an eye on Charmy and figured it'd be good opportunity (idk if Charmy in this AU is more a little brother or son. I think the former, considering I imagine they're all kinda young adults kinda like the game). He served as the Water Activites Counsellor and one of the First Aid Supports due to the amount of counsellors being quite smaller and them having to take on multiple duties. He was having a fun time despite how busy and tiring it was. He's actually one of the confirmed ones that gets infected and turns in the story, I think probably one of the last ones to do so. He's the one of the biggest and strongest and while he's slow on land, he's much faster in the water. Like the others that got infected in the story he does turn back at the end of it when its' fixed.

And yes like Big and Storm, he's also in those two sillier AU's with the dinosaurs and the superpowers. I actually struggled to decide on a power with him for a long time but I actually came to a fun conclusion when talking with a friend about him being telepathic cause a: it'd work for him as a detective. and b: it'd be a good reason that he wears his headphones all the time cause hearing the thoughts of EVERYONE AROUND YOU even when you're not TRYING TO is EXHAUSTING.

Oh! I also had an AU with the chaotic inspired by Security Breach, where the Chaotix (including Knuckles, Mighty and Ray) where they're all animatronics that entertain children. Vecs kinda like Freddy in this Au and the main star and the lead singer in the band. And when he's doing his own thing outside of performances, he's kinda a DJ/Karaoke Party Animatronic. He's very curious about people in this AU and asks a lot of questions when he can, even though this can confuse people, he's just curious about life outside the facility. It's not like he can up and leave, he doesn't have a choice. He's gotten in trouble a few times for mouthing off at shitty parents, he's very protective over the kids and adores them. Papa Animatronic Croc.