#fsasddfjwffqefke y'all are going to hate me for this one

[sylvies-chen]

Upstead prompt 67 and/or 77 💛

67. “If you don’t want to talk about it then say so. Don’t lie and pretend to be fine when you clearly aren’t.” + 77. “There is nothing wrong with you.”

It’s her fault things have been awkward between her and Jay, Hailey knows that.

He hasn’t really given her an answer to her suggestion that they get married. But if she’s being honest, she sort of needs it. Things are too chaotic and messy in her head right now. Every time she closes her eyes she’s back in that warehouse with Voight. Jay’s the only thing that makes it fade away into the back of her mind. Marrying him feels right. And so what if it’s just her clinging onto the only stable thing in her life? That doesn’t mean she’s not ready for it. She is-- or she thinks she is, at least.

But he’d told her to think it over, that they should talk about it after they know Kim’s okay, and she takes it as a bad sign.

Kim gets out of the hospital today. They’re finally discharging her and Jay’s dropped by to change into new clothes before going to see her. Adam had arranged for the whole unit, with the exception of Voight, to be there for her when she gets to the apartment. Makayla will like the extra company and Kim being alive is worth celebrating.

When Jay’s done changing, Hailey’s still pacing around her apartment. She knows today will be hard: seeing Kim without thinking of what she and Voight did will be damn near impossible and frankly, she’s already spiraling enough as it is. But Jay notices her distress, furrows his brows and steps in front of her to stop her pacing. “Hey, I’m ready. Are you good?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” she tells him absentmindedly, her mind elsewhere as she runs hands through her loose hair. She realizes she hasn’t stopped fidgeting since Jay came out of her room but honestly, fscing him head on is too hard not to. This uncertainty about whether he wants to marry her, on top of the secret that’s devouring her whole, is enough to make her afraid to look at him. We can go now.”

Jay eyes her up and down worriedly, shaking his head after a beat of silence. “No, not yet. Not until you tell me what’s up with you.”

“What?” Her head jerks up, meeting his steady gaze for the first time that afternoon. He doesn’t look angry or scared, just concerned. He’s soft and warm and she melts under his gaze. It makes her want to scream and cry and let everything out.

She doesn’t.

“You’ve been acting strange ever since Kim’s abduction. I know it was scary and we all got put through the ringer, Kim especially, but this is different. So talk to me, Hailey. What’s going on?”

She swallows hard, choosing the more surface level issue to talk about instead of the real issue. Because the real issue is something dark and ugly that she isn’t ready to face. Not yet, anyway. “I know you said I said we should get married out of shock, but it’s been two weeks. Kim’s better, she’s getting discharged from the hospital. You haven’t said anything about it.”

His shoulders sag slightly as he shakes his head. She can see his mind spinning in his irises. “I told you, Hailey. There was a lot going on that night, I just don’t want to jump into anything if you don’t mean it.”

“I do,” she insists. “I mean it, Jay. I know it’s fast but we love each other.”

“Yes, we do,” Jay agrees. “But there’s more to this than just me not giving you an answer about getting married, Hailey. I’m not giving you an answer because that’s not the top priority. The top priority now is whatever’s going on with you.”

“Nothing’s going on with me,” she protests meekly, almost in a whisper, as she breaks eye contact and bites her lip.

“Like hell it is,” he replies. It’s not loud or roaring, but there’s the slightest edge to his voice that’s only slightly overpowered by his overwhelming worry. “You haven’t been the same since that night. Even then, when you came home before seeing Kim in the hospital, you were freaked out. You think I don’t know you well enough to know when you’re spiraling over something? C’mon, Hailey. I can tell something’s wrong. What the hell happened at that warehouse?”

“Nothing,” she tries lying again but is completely unconvincing— and completely filled with tears that start to pool up in her eyes. Blinking them back only ends up blinking them out and they stream onto her cheek. Fuck. This lie can’t keep going, can it?

Voight had told her not to say a word though. Jay won’t look at her the same after this. He’ll hate her; want nothing to do with her. But the damn is slowly breaking with each aching plea that Jay lets out. She can feel it but can’t fight it.

“Don’t do that,” he warns. “You can’t keep shutting me out. I’m not going anywhere don’t you get that by now? At the very least, just admit something’s wrong. If you don’t want to talk about it then say so. Don’t lie and pretend to be fine when you clearly aren’t.”

Hailey shakes her head, her hands shaking even more. She’s tempted to start her pacing again, adjacent to Jay, but instead settles on shifting her weight over to her other leg and fidgeting with her thumbs. “I can’t,” she sputters, choking on her words. “I can’t, Jay. You’ll never look at me the same again.”

“How can you know that without telling me what it is?”

“I just do,” Hailey tells him. “There is something very wrong with me, Jay. That night only made it worse and now I can’t go back or undo my mistakes. I thought if we got married that it might make it go away but it won’t. Everything that happened, everything I did, it’ll never go away. Just don’t ask me to drag you into this hell too. You deserve better than this— than me.”

“Hey, hey,” he soothes her, closing the small space between them and lifting his hands to rub her shoulders. “There is nothing wrong with you. And I’d go through hell for you, Hailey, you know that. I love you. Please, just— just tell me what happened. Tell me why you’re so freaked out. Please.”

She sucks in a sharp breath. That little voice in her head, the one scarily similar to Voight’s, is telling her that she needs to keep her mouth shut if she wants to survive. But her heart, in a rare moment of clarity, know that she needs to tell Jay if she wants to live. She may never have a happy ending with him if she tells him, but she definitely won’t have one if she doesn’t. Jay Halstead is the most steady constant in her life. If that steadiness is now conditional on her telling the truth, then, well… she’ll keep it intact. She wants to rip of the bandaid and break free from this prison her mind’s been in for the past two weeks. She wants to finally be saved from this secret that’s been drowning her and reap whatever consequences that come her way. She wants to tell him.

So she does.

She takes another deep and shaky breath, wiping away the tears that only frustrate her more. Her head bows, but then move back up to meet his eye. His steady gaze gives her the last push of strength she needs.

“I killed Roy.”