#fr though.... it was about time gahDAMN

[allaboutabbott]

march 14, 2023

gahdamn i am feeling so much better being on days. cheese and rice nights are hard on the soul. everything feels like the end of the world fr fr. 

it still feels like i need to try something new as far as work goes though. being a deckhand isn’t that bad but like i still feel like i am just not getting the inspiration for my writing i used to get out of being a stew. i don’t know what the difference is. i feel like I’ve done a pretty good job of maintaining my writing practice this contract, i feel like i lost track of it pretty quickly on the last one. i don’t know, well see how it goes on the bird this summer. i just feel like i have not been having the kinds of conversations i used to have as a stew. being a deckhand i feel like it requires a lot more brain power, and maybe bc its still a new job, i don’t have time to think about my own stuff a lot of the time. but also i don’t know, this feels like more of a career move so it feels like its expected for me to use more brain power. 

i don’t feel as choked up about not coming back as i did yesterday, it feels like its about time to try something new. four years feels like a lot of time to dedicate to a job. that’s about as much as i got being a counselor at camp. and four years is also the amount of time high school and college takes, so it makes sense that this feels like a closed chapter sort of thing. it all feels like a graduation of sorts. four years is enough time to grow incredibly comfortable, enough time to know the ins and outs of a place, enough time to grow and change but also get stagnant. its confusing though bc there’s still so much i want to do honestly. 

i do still really want to learn spanish and get better at surfing, and in order to have the time to do that i need to have this job to have that disposable income. 

okay but also enough about work, i have thought about this enough. i do not have any more new thoughts to give to this subject matter. 

i am excited to go home. i’m very tired honestly, i am ready to have a lot of time at my moms house and hopefully get a routine down and get to spend more time with amelia and just be taken care of by my mom again. i am really so so lucky to have her. i really love the way our relationship has been able to grow over the past few years. covid really forced us to work though a lot of ship and i couldn’t be more grateful.