#for the rest of the communication *not* being creep/asshole/abuser behavior; i'm out. i've had enough of that for a lifetime | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

the-moogle-of-your-nightmares · 2 months ago

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there needs to be a term for the thing terfs do where they:

a) take a boundary you have the right to exercise, and if someone is pressuring you personally to cross that boundary, then regardless of context that's not okay

b) bundle it in with nasty, hurtful, bigoted, unacceptable, and unnecessary behavior of their own toward you

c) when you say 'okay, well, you have a right to that boundary, but you're being a huge dick about the context and the way you enforce it, can you stop that,' they completely ignore the first part to go WOW LOOK WHAT A BOUNDARY-CROSSING ENTITLED CREEP THEY ARE I'M BEING VICTIMIZED HERE

because increasingly over time i've observed that this tactic is not at all limited to terfs, and it's fucking insidious--whether they '''call it out''' from the start, or behave initially like someone capitulating to a boundary-crosser so that as soon as they decide it's time to turn on you they can Tearfully Realize They Were Being Victimized All Along--and it is incredibly traumatizing to be on the receiving end of, as well as a horribly effective tool for abuse both during and after the relationship. and i think it's really, really important to have conversations about what that looks like, and how to distinguish it from someone using manipulation, intimidation, inconsistency, and soft pressure to make someone feel unsafe to enforce boundaries they're nominally being encouraged to set.

(and how to distinguish that from trying very hard to make someone feel safe to set and enforce boundaries, but accidentally making them feel unsafe because you didn't realize what might come across that way, and at what point it stops being in your court to anticipate and accommodate for every possible vector for that, and what to do when that threshold has been reached.)

#moogletalks #abuse cw #terfs cw #transphobia cw #SA cw #predatorjacketing w #gaslighting cw #it sucks even more because sometimes people aren't *trying* to set you up #by not parsing when you're emphasizing respect for their boundaries while also trying to address that the context was unnecessarily hurtful #and going along in the moment with the behavior they projected onto you instead; trauma does that sometimes #but like. regardless of ill intent that is at best a profoundly traumatizing and unsafe situation for both parties involved #and incredibly unfair to the person whose attempts to self-advocate and have healthy relationships; and sometimes even exist at all #are being made against their will into an extension of abuse they had nothing to do with #being used as a tool for self-harm let alone by loved ones is traumatizing in general #but this brand is especially a Fucking Nightmare if you yourself are a survivor of abuse; and/or have loved ones who survived it #and a thousand times over if you already had scrupulosity; and i say already because if you don't this shit will give it to you lol #i know it's hard but you must must *must* learn to actually parse what people are communicating to you about boundaries #Listen to the Real Actual Words That They Say; and Observe the Real Actual Things They are Doing to Contradict That if They Are #and at this point if someone is clearly not hearing--or straight up ignoring--the parts of my communication that are critical context #for the rest of the communication *not* being creep/asshole/abuser behavior; i'm out. i've had enough of that for a lifetime

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