#for the record i love my videogame development course but i feel like i want to do something more with the knowledge I've been acquiring

[lesbianseaweed]

me remembering that I originally wanted to study robotics and that I can still get a masters degree in it once I finish my current course but I have no idea if I'd actually want to study it and I have no way of "trying it out" beforehand

[tigerandbunnyftw]

In lead up to Season 2, Namco Bandai Pictures have been releasing comments from the staff involved with this new season, known as the “Staff & Cast - Comment Relay”. 

These comments are released on the first day of every month over on the T&B twitter, and full posts are over on the T&B website (Japanese only).

So far 7 comments have been released from both the staff and cast, starting with series’ character/hero designer, Masakazu Katsura! 

Please note that I am paraphrasing the first two comments, so any lovelies willing to help translate the first two comments (or just help in general), let me know!

(Series’ Character design / hero design) - Link Katsura has been focusing hard on the character design, specifically for the new Hero suits for Wild Tiger and Barnaby, referred to as “Style 3“. The theme is “standard and fresh” looking. So please look forward to it!

(Series composition / screenplay / story director) - Link 

Nishida confirmed that there was history of starting and stopping the project over the last 9 years. So he was worried whether the project would actually take shape one day, but was uplifted when the higher staff finally gave the green light. 

Nishida feels that T&B is a work created by the power of all the cast staff and the support of the fans. He wrote something that they found interesting and hopes that fans will be pleased with it.

He ends the comment by saying, the sequel will be announced more than 10 years after the original work. Tiger, Barnaby, Nathan, Karina, Antonio, Keith, Paolin, Ivan and friends. He hopes that we will enjoy and accept all of their changed and unchanged parts, and think that the enemy characters in this season will be slightly different, than those who appeared in the original series and movies.

The following 3 comments were translated by anon over on 4chan (thank you!)

(Screenplay writer -  (TB episodes 15 & 23, “T&B The Comic” writer with illustrator Ueda Hiroshi manga, Hero's Day videogame, Double Decker screenplay writer) - Link

>Q: How did you feel about receiving an offer to participate in the Tiger & Bunny 2 production? >EY: It's a great honor to once again become part of the writing team. The series is very special to me - you could say it made me who I am today, since I've been with for so long. From the original TV show, the manga series I wrote with Mr. Ueda, the game, or the recitations, the series has taught me a lot. >When I first joined the writing team for the first season, Barnaby and I were both rookies, but now I'm a something of a mainstay, not unlike Kotetsu. I dearly wish I can now return the favor to the series using the experience I have gained over these years.

>Q: Is there anything you particularly focus on when writing the scenario? >EY: I want Taibani to be a series that makes people happy and gives hope to those watching it. That said, I emphasize the growth and change the heroes have gone through over the course of the first season and the movies. After all, more than a decade will have passed since the first season aired. As time passes and worldviews shift, I intend to depict both things that never change and things that have to change. >Q: Please tell use your message for the fans waiting for S2. >EY: It is your long-lasting love and support that has allowed us to weave this story about the heroes once again. For this, you have my heartfelt thanks. I think the fans understand what I mean when I say the series has been a part of our life. I can't wait to share and experience the new Taibani story with you all. >Let us stay safe, so we can enjoy the new season in sound health and bright spirits.

(Screenplay writer - T&B episodes 6,8 & 18, V-Residence T&B web VN, usually a live action actor)

>Q: How did you feel about receiving an offer to participate in the Tiger & Bunny 2 production? >NK: "Wait, we're doing this? Really? Oh wow...." >I also thought, "Hmm, it's been almost 10 years, so things can't change too much, but they also can't be too static". >And then I was like "Alright! I'm just gonna write what I think is interesting and I'm gonna write the hell out of it!" >Q: Is there anything you particularly focus on when writing the scenario? >NK: I'm really careful to make sure I can hear the character's voice in my head when I writing. The series' characters have very strong and distinctive voices. >Q: Please tell use your message for the fans waiting for S2. >NK: It's a sequel that comes after more than a decade. I think the very fact that T&B has so many fans who have loved and waited for it so long is a miracle and I am very grateful to you all.

>With the corona pandemic going on, I feel like we can't spend as much time just enjoying things with others. So I really wish that S2 will be something for us to band together and enjoy as one. It's great that we can once again watch the same work and share the joy and hype on social media, just like we did before.

(Screenplay writer - live action screenwriter e.g. Kamen Rider/ Kakegurui live action movie)

>Q: How did you feel about receiving an offer to participate in the Tiger & Bunny 2 production? >MT: My hands were literally shaking, I'm serious. When the first season aired I was still in high-school, getting together with my friends after lessons and going "Wow, this week's T&B episode was awesome!". >Joy, sense of responsibility, excitement, pressure... It all came crashing on me together, so I just kind of started twitching. >Q: Is there anything you particularly focus on when writing the scenario? >MT: I mustn't betray the fans' expectations. At the same time, however, I must write a show that even people unfamiliar with the franchise can enjoy. It can't be just a doujin. It's not a vehicle for my ego. More than anything, the show must be fun and interesting. Writing the show felt like threading a microfiber cloth with a micro-sized needle. >Q: Please tell use your message for the fans waiting for S2. >MT: There are very few series that have been loved as long and as deeply by so many people. And I believe we have created a work that can take and embrace all that huge amount of love head on. >Please wait just a little while longer.

>Q: Please tell us your feelings after receiving the production announcement of "TIGER & BUNNY 2". >HH: Every corner of your muscles is always OK! >Q: Please give a message to the fans who are waiting for your work. EDIT - Thanks coolboxofcandy for the suggestion. 

>HH: Get ready to roar at your fullest!"

>Q: Please tell us your feelings after receiving the production announcement of "TIGER & BUNNY 2".

>MK: As one of the performers, I'm really happy to decide on the sequel, but as one of the fans, I can't help but wonder if various mysteries that haven't been solved will be solved.

Just like before, I wondered if I could enjoy the moment of reading the script with excitement, and I'm looking forward to it! I want to start recording soon!

>Q: Please give a message to the fans who are waiting for your work. >MK: Actually... I read the script of the first episode first!

“Well! That 's right!" 

"Wow ! That person is that!"

"I see! That's right!" 

It was the first episode full of surprises. I'm already worried about future developments! Fans, this is an incident! Please look forward to it!

And those were comments that have been released so far. Look forward to more comments in the future!

[selfmadesuperhero]

i’m very much not okay 

and i’ll probably take very long for me to explain why

i don’t know how to write this. i don’t know where to even start. i’m here because i just don’t have anywhere else to go. i can’t afford therapy. i no longer have any close friends other than Mabu (gf).

it’s getting pretty bad inside my head

i know most people’s lives are hell this year and i’m not special. i know that. to me, this year is feeling like the last nail in my coffin because 2019 had already chewed me up and spit me out. 

i kept my last job for eight years. after my first year there, another developer came in, and we became friends. we worked side by side less than 4 feet apart for six years. our hours were flexible but we always agreed upon our schedule just so work would be more bearable, because we both hated it and often had to team up against our boss’ downright abuse. it was a very small company (at its biggest we were only 7 employees). we were also going to graduate at the same time from the same school (different majors), so we had a bit of a pact to leave our shitty boss once we’d graduated and start developing our own, way less shitty games.

at the start of 2019, he got an excellent job offer. i was thrilled for him and told him to of course get out of that hellhole we hated so much, we were only there because the pay was decent and the hours were flexible so we could get our degree, you know? it stung, but i was happy for him. on the last day i gave him a ride home (which is also something i did almost daily), he surprised me by hugging me and telling me i was like a brother to him and our plans weren’t going to change. 

i believed him, and went back to work. he was soon replaced, obviously, by a junior developer because that’s how capitalism works. but suddenly, i no longer had someone to take a stand with me against my boss - there was no one left that i knew, everyone had resigned or been fired and i was the oldest employee. you’d think that’d earn me something, after eight years being dedicated to the same company, right? 

(shortly after, my grandma passed, after years and years of agonizing in a wheelchair. we lived together)

fuck that

the first months were fine. i was being the senior developer and teaching the junior constantly, so my boss stayed out of my way. but see, this is where he started to get ansty. the more the junior stopped being a junior and was actually useful for something, the more that piece of gigantic ass just started thinking only about our salaries. i started in that company in 2012 making little more than 3 bucks/hour (remember i live in a third world country, but it was still specialized work), but by 2019, my salary was pretty much double of what the junior was making, and every penny extra i got during those years was a CONQUEST. i also worked six hours while he worked eight, so.

my boss basically started treating me even more like shit. he wasn’t nice to be around before, but he was bearable in small amounts. suddenly it was obvious to everyone that he was really fixating on me and my performance, and to me it was obvious he just wanted me to walk away too so he could replace me with TWO junior developers instead of just one measly charlie. 

then, the nationals elections began. oh boy.

this probably wouldn’t read as news to anyone, but i’m a huge leftie, obviously. if you’re at all interested in politics, read about what socialist policies have done for uruguay during the past 15 years and how they turned us into AT LEAST a developing country, but i digress. 

the people that sat in my office even shared my political views or whatever, but my boss is actually part of the conservative party and started actively campaigning. every time something involving politics happened, he made a point to come barging in the office and telling me and specifically me about it like i was personally running against his party. i actually recorded him once to have proof of him at least screaming at me, so i could check if i was crazy for thinking he had something against me. he frequently called me communist and just mocked my views. if you’re wondering, yes, this is illegal, but nothing happened. 

then, two big things happened at once: we lost the election, and my recently adopted puppy was diagnosed with distemper. yes, it happened on the same that and it’s a day i’ll never forget. 

my girlfriend and i had talked about getting a puppy once we moved in together. we’d named him like two years before it actually happened. we moved in together on may 2019 and on september i found the most precious boy for adoption on facebook and i was innocently all like “oh i’ve had to put rescue dogs for adoption before, let’s give back!”. 

on october 27th, he had a seizure and the vet told us it was likely we’d have to put him down because only 20% of dogs survived, and it was even less for puppies. 

when i went to work, i had to put up with my boss laughing and mocking me for winning the election “against me”. i guess i missed my running for anything?

this post is already too long for me to get into details about my dog’s disease. for months, every day we looked after him constantly. i read everything there was to BE READ about distemper online, spent thousands of pesos on medicine and treatments just in case he had a chance. good news is he did! this is the only positive note in this post. 

it still wasn’t easy. he made us cry at least three times a day. we really thought he was dying, and we’d made the mistake of naming him 2 years before he was even born. we’d taken PERFECT care of him while he was unvaccinated, but the vet told us it was most likely he was already infected before he came home to us. i’d never seen such a small puppy so sick. he hallucinated constantly. if you don’t know, distemper is a neuro/digestive/skin/bone/HELL disease that’s really nasty. he’d have seizures almost daily and poop and pee himself. he stopped being able to control his body other than his two front legs, which he didn’t even have full control of. when he stopped being able to walk, he started crying constantly, it really tore the heart out of my chest

we called another vet, a dog physical therapist, so she’d tell us how we could help him. she told us to make him stand as long as possible, so every time he had a meal, i’d bend down with him and hold his hips - so he’d be able to stand, and slowly gain back some muscle mobility. every day we massaged his legs and flexed his joints, even his tiny toes, so he’d avoid atrophy. and we did it!! as i’m writing this, he’s one year old now, he’s no longer sick even if he’ll carry with him plenty of lifelong sequels, and he walks and runs and barks like the best of them ♥ i wasn’t going to plug anything but if you wanna see his progress, it’s on instagram @hamiltonthefighter

okay, i guess i ended up talking at length about his disease in the end, sorry. his walking again had a price to pay for me: my own back. for two or three months i was bent over this dog, you know? i still can’t get out of bed without help sometimes lol around december it got really bad but i just kept popping pills because joy oh joy, i was doing my thesis and i didn’t really have time or money for anything else. my job was basically paying for our rent, my university classes including the thesis course which was ridiculously expensive, and our dog had given me credit card debt out of desperation (we even had to buy those rubber things used for yoga to place on our floors so he’d have something to use his nails against instead of constantly slipping on the floor, we tried every medication that might help, we gave him CBD oils, all kinds of vitamins, constant vet visits where during the first two weeks he got like three different shots every day, etc)

i’m rambling, and i’m sorry, but i don’t really think anyone will read this. i started this post crying my eyes out and writing about my dog at least has been calming, because even if he’s a drooling mess now, he’s still the same he ever was and i love him very much and he’s sleeping soundly next to me and he’s finally close to fine. 

remember the friend i talked about like half an hour ago? the one that worked with me for six years? nothing changed between us during the first months. for my thesis, i was going to develop a videogame with Mabu, but we were allowed to have external coding help because it was about GameDev, not the actual coding. i knew how to code, obviously, but Nico (the friend, guess we’ll give him a name) was also part of our project so he was gonna help us code so i had more time to focus on art and 3D modelling. the idea was kill two birds with one stone, make something we all liked, mabu and I were going to graduate with it and then we’d keep working on it during 2020 as we’d always always talked about.

by december, even if nico and i still talked regularly, i could tell he had just moved on with his life. he’d said he’d help us, but he was doing his own thesis, so i told him not to worry at that time, our final due date was in february. he asked us to forgive him during december and promised us he’d come back in january to DEVOTE himself to the project. i started coding the project besides working on the art and i was thankfully able to meet all the deadlines, so it was really fine, of course i understood where he was coming from. 

then, on january 7th, Mabu’s grandma passed away. she was scheduled for a heart surgery that supposedly only had 1% risk, and she passed on the table because of a doctor’s mistake. the surgery was here in the capital, but Mabu’s family lives five hours away. she comes from a very big, very loving family, and her grandma (being the mother of five children) was very much the center of it. i also loved her. she’d replaced my grandma the second she passed and every time i saw her she hugged me like i was a lost grandson. 

when my girlfriend called me during her surgery, i immediately left work because i just knew she would be crying if things were okay. this was a nightmare come alive for a family of 20+ people, and most of them were 5 hours away from their own house. my mother in law was (and still is) devastated by the lost of her mother because she was the one to encourage the surgery and she still thinks she killed her. i drove my her, my girlfriend, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend on my mother’s in law van for five hours while they all cried or slept and i had to really, really pinch myself because i was EXHAUSTED but what else could i do? 

logically i missed work the next day. LOGICALLY. i had the service to attend and i was 5 hours away from the office and i didn’t even have my own car with me. i told my boss to discount the day, since i wasn’t entitled to the mourning day by law because it wasn’t my grandma. he didn’t even reply - he almost never talked to me by this point unless it was to berate me for something. i went back to work the day after the service.

now, remember we were doing our thesis and it was due in february? it really wasn’t great timing for anyone to die, but i was trusting Nico’s promise that he’d have more free time and he’d make up for not helping us code sooner. i told him the news about Mabu’s grandma, and then basically had to tell him to say something to her for her loss because he was supposed to be her friend, what the fuck, why aren’t you at least sending her a text.

let’s just say, january wasn’t a great month for Mabu and myself. two weeks after the passing, we still hadn’t had news from Nico. Mabu didn’t even have time to properly mourn because we had to turn our thesis in like, little over a month. i wrote to nico just downright ASKING if he was gonna be able to help us or WHAT, to which he said to me...

he’d never promised anything because he was really busy with his own stuff and he didn’t want to bring it up sooner because he knew Mabu was mourning and things were hard for us at the moment? 

like that’s great pal, thanks for telling me at the last POSSIBLE second you were just dropping out altogether, what the actual fuck? it still baffles me that someone can be so thick headed, but he kept saying he had made no promises and both Mabu and I knew that was a lie and i honestly just couldn’t deal with someone so selfish he couldn’t at least give a heads up sooner

the icing on the cake during the beginning of this year is someone i haven’t even mentined: MY PIECE OF SHIT BROTHER. talking about him may deserve another post, because this is already so long and convoluted and i haven’t even talked about his involvement in my misery during 2019-2020. i’ll try to make the story short if anyone’s still reading this far: 

a lot of years ago, our maternal grandmother moved to uruguay from russia and bought a tiny shitty house here next to my mother’s. my mother still hasn’t talked to me since 2013 because i’m trans, but that’s neither here nor there. i tried to keep in touch with my brother (we don’t share dads so he was no relation with my side of the family), and around 2017 i finally succeeded in making friends with him. or so i thought, clearly. 

that grandmother passed... sometime. i don’t really know because they cut me off. she didn’t speak to me either, she was literally a crazy old nasty woman and i didn’t even care when i heard she’d died, to be honest. she was such a nasty woman, she’d put her tiny shitty house to my and my brother’s name just to keep her own daughter out of the inheritance when she bought it. 

that also meant i was inheriting something for the first time ever, even if it was shitty. BUT my brother had his own fake grandma (the woman who looked after him his whole life instead of our mother) who was very old and frail and asked me if he could house her there. i said yes because again, i didn’t give a shit about the inheritance or the house or anything regarding my mother’s side of the family (other than him obviously), so for years this woman occupied the house. my brother basically took all existing furniture and appliances because he was moving in with a girlfriend and i even loaded up my shitty car with his stuff. all i wanted to inherit was the couch set, which had come all the way from russia and everyone had promised me since i was a wee lad, but he started whining about his fake-grandma not having a living room set and nowhere to sit and i didn’t even live by myself yet so i let them have the fucking couches, too. 

oh boy this is already too long but now i’m too lazy to make a separate post

anyway, sometime during 2019, the woman moved out to an old folks home because she could no longer take care of herself. i immediately asked about the couch set with hope in my heart that it could finally be mine, but my brother told me our mother didn’t want me to have it. 

he wanted to rent the house to make a profit, which sounded good to me because of that dog related credit card debt i talked about. and here’s where you might think i’m not that there in the head, but all my life i didn’t want anything to do with that house until my mother was in the ground - not out of hate but because i thought it was a shitty thing her own mother had done to her, and the inheritance should have been hers. she doesn’t have a degree or a stable job because she’s a russian translator so hey, whatever, they needed it more than i did. but then my brother starting getting ideas about improving the house so we’d make more money, and how we should do it together, and... i think i might have mentioned already why i didn’t exactly have time to redo a house? i was doing my thesis? about to graduate? my boss was constantly on my case? my dog was about to die? 

i helped as much as i could at first, but then december came, and then january, and my brother just kept nagging me about the house like i was purposefuly sitting on my ass doing nothing, because oh every day it’s not rented it’s money lost. no amount of explaining how stretched thin i was seemed to suffice, not even when mabu’s grandma died and nico left us hanging with the thesis and i had less than a month left to code the whole project by myself while ALSO taking care of the art. 

by the end of january, i was so stressed, i called a doctor after a panic attack. he gave me a weeks rest because of my back, because i wasn’t even able to get up without help at that time. it wasn’t much of a rest because i still used that time to sit at the computer and code 15 hours a day at LEAST, but hey. 

it was the first time in 8 years i’d taken medical leave of ANY kind. i didn’t even get medical leave when i got my chest surgery. it happened on a friday and i was back to work the next monday. i’d never skipped more than 2 days of work at best when i had a bad case of the flu or something, but that was it. 

when i went back to work, my boss immediatelly called me to his office. he started berating me about my performance again, bringing graphs comparing the amount of lines of code i’d written next to my coworkers. i didn’t mention this, but the graphic designer had also quit during 2019, so i was also covering that workload and no, that didn’t exactly translate to lines of code. i also had to spend HOURS every day tutoring the junior because he was too much of a cheap shit (didn’t use those words) to hire an experienced developer. i’d even WORKED AS A GRAPHIC DESIGNER FOR MEDIA CONTENT FOR HIS POLITICAL CAREER, EVEN IF IT WAS AGAINST MY BELIEFS AND NOT AT ALL RELATED TO MY JOB. he denied everything. EVERYTHING. he stuck to the narrative that i was just lazy and the proof was i’d just taken AN ENTIRE WEEK because “my back just hurt a little” and i had the audacity to skip work for someone else’s grandmother dying

i’m not exaggerating, i swear to anyone who might be reading this. that day was brutal and i’m still not over it half a year later, i don’t care if that makes me sound like a wuss. i worked eight years of my life in this fucking place. 

this argument lasted for hours, but i kept my head down because i couldn’t afford to lose the job, specially not then. i even apologized for any loss in performance and tried to explain my point of view and what i was going through (which i’d already done to another superior weeks ago anyway). but just when i thought i’d MAYBE be able to keep my head above water, he told me he was denying my the request i’d made to take two weeks of holiday days before the thesis final due date. 

i had already explained everything to him. everything, even nico dropping the team and my having to do everything by myself. i broke down and i told him he was forcing me to leave my job, i’d just have been certified by a doctor and i was asking for leave for SCHOOL (all things that are protected by law here), but he just kept repeating i could either walk away from my job or show up during those two weeks. he just wanted me gone, but he couldn’t fire me right away without having to pay me THOUSANDS because of my seniority (by law). he knew what he was doing to me and he didn’t care about it. he didn’t even let me TOUCH MY COMPUTER, he told me he wasn’t the one pushing me away, that i was doing this to myself, and he’d ask for a lawyer to check my computer for any “inconsistencies in my activity”, even. i really have a hard time just thinking about that day and how utterly humilliating it was. i lost a lot of personal files, because i sat at that desk for eight years and of course i had personal files because sometimes i stayed after hours before going to class. 

imagine for a second a sixty year old man, rich as shit, political candidate, standing in front of a computer, disconnecting the mouse and keyboard so i couldn’t touch it, yelling at me i was doing this to myself and i was losing my job because i had the audacity to ask for two weeks leave to finish my fucking school thesis. 

and yeah, i lawyered up. i didn’t have actual money to AFFORD a lawyer, but mabu’s cousin’s girlfriend was a lawyer and lived one block away and i immediatelly told her everything there was to tell. she brought me to the firm she worked in and they guaranteed me i had a pretty strong case and i was at least gonna be able to walk away with something.

that put things in hold for a while because the “trial” or whatever wasn’t gonna be held until after the thesis, so i tried to forget about it. my boss even owed me my untaken paid vacation days, which i told the lawyers because i was pretty sure he’d just forgot, but i wanted to know if it made a better case against him. they agreed, and i left it at that. 

but you know who was still making my life miserable even when february began and i had less than three weeks to finish our project right? MY SWEET BABY BRO. he was constantly nagging me about having to do all the work himself, like I’D ASKED ANYTHING FROM THAT HOUSE TO BEGIN WITH. but see, the nastier he started getting, the more apparent his lies began to appear. he got nasty to the level where ON THE DAY I WAS TURNING THE PROJECT IN he kept calling me demanding MONEY for stuff he’d paid for the house without checking in with me. i was honestly baffled by his level of selfishness, i was already sleeping three hours a day tops and he expected me to what, paint walls? he was FIERCELY against having to wait for my project to be done even if it was two weeks away and he was asking and asking for money when i’d just told him i’d lost my job without a penny to show for it. nice guy, really. 

suddenly, the following lies became clear: 

 my mother didn’t care if i took the couch set, he told me that because he was moving again and he was planning on taking the couches himself. (he ended up doing just so, too). he lied to me with the thing that hurts me most in the world: my mother hating me. he had even made a joke about it, because my mother had bought a new couch not long ago, and he didn’t “get” why she “didn’t want me to have anything”

 years ago he’d told me he had refinanced a tax debt the house had, and i gave him money for it. now that the house was about to be put up for rent, he pretended that had never happened and suddenly started talking about how we needed to take care of that

 he wasn’t planning on splitting the rent three ways between him, our mother and i. he was gonna keep two thirds, and i later even found out my own mother had given him the idea. 

 then poor mabu confessed to me once, two years ago, she’d wore a skirt one time visiting my brother and his then girlfriend, and he had told her nasty stuff to her year upon saying goodbye and she had never said anything because didn’t want to hurt our sibling relationship 

talk about final nail huh? 

i confronted him and he denied everything, obviously, he instantly played the victim card, how dare i think that way about him, how dare i break his dreams of reuniting the family again. he said things to me i’ll also never forget like, apparently, it shows that i’m a shit person because i have no friends and no one wants me around, unlike him that has so many. he told me i thought the world owed me when i was shit and i believed anything anyone told me before believing him. no one told me any of his lies, i caught them all by myself, but whatever. he cursed me and told me he never wanted anything to do with me because i was rotten and i only cared about money and i was so so selfish. this must have been around march and i still don’t know anything from him, or care.

what do i have to do for that side of the family to leave me alone, i wonder? all i ever wanted to do was be his friend

the “trial” against my boss came and suddenly every lawyer that worked at that firm was taking a fucking holiday except for the one that was supposedly leading my case - except suddenly, i didn’t have much of a case at all. i walked away with less than 2 thousand dollars and that was WITH the vacation days i hadn’t taken. the agreement was the lawyers were gonna keep 25% of however much i made but THAT vacation money wasn’t supposed to count because it didn’t come out of the “trial” thing, you know? 

well, it did. the lawyer screwed me over too. but hey, at least he’d gotten me unemployment for a couple of months (you only apply for unemployment if you’re fired, not if you walk away from a job, and my having been fired or not was what was being contested), i still tried to be optimistic, i had a few months to figure things out while i looked for another job, and at least i was able to finish paying for school with that money.

yeah, this was late february, beginning of march. joke’s on me for being optimistic at all

my own brother plotting with my own mother against me has done a number for my mental health. i already had baggage aplenty, like every trans dude or girl whose parents would rather see them dead than be a dyke/fag (my mother’s own words, ladies and gents)

my boss of eight years kicking me to the curve at the worst moment in my life in the most humilliating of ways while blaming me for it has left me feeling so worthless to people in general. i’m getting better with time, i think, but i’m still all not there. i have a really hard time thinking my work is worth anything at all.

i keep thinking my brother was right, and i’m a shitty friend, and i don’t deserve anyone around. my only real friend at the moment is my girlfriend, which makes it really hard to have any arguments because i start feeling like my life is ending because she’s pretty much all i have left and she’s the most important thing in the world to me because i wouldn’t have survived all this shit i’m writing without her by my side. i would walk to hell and back for her. but nico also left me behind without a second thought, after telling me i was like a brother to him, no matter how many times i invited him to hang out or anything to keep in touch. i’ve been a shitty friend to a lot of people, but not him, and he still didn’t care about me at all, so i just stopped trying. 

but now social distancing has got me all fucked up. i can’t trust people. i can’t go outside. everything is scary to me, i have at least two or three panic attacks per WEEK and they get nastier and longer every time. i know i need help, but i can’t even afford rent, let alone therapy. Uruguay has the worst unemployment rates since 2006 now thanks to our baby-Trump right now. i look for jobs daily even if the notion of having a job even SIMILAR to the one i had before gives me the shakes. programming isn’t as hard as some people may think, but the workplaces are usually VERY toxic because you’re valued by the amount of lines of code you write, and i’m so so tired. i’m still looking because I NEED. TO. PAY. RENT. but not because it’s something i want in life, at all. i’d much rather be poor and just do freelance work instead, but i’m failing.

i thank the people that have helped me or commissioned me these past few months from the bottom of my heart. i’m sorry i’m not more active, i’m sorry i’m still rusty and can’t draw faster, i’m sorry i sometimes spend half a day crying my eyes out because i just don’t know how to move forward. i have a week left, i still haven’t made enough for rent, let alone the bills or food. mabu used to get plenty of art commissions on etsy, but she hasn’t sold anything since march either and she’s younger than me so our financial struggles have an even deeper impact on her

i’m just so, so tired. i’m lucky to have mabu, and that is about it. i honestly don’t think i could have survived this year without her. for months the future has looked like a black screen to me. i can’t even trust the vegetable market in front of my fucking house because some piece of shit spread the rumor that i’m trans and now i can’t even open the door to my front house without getting stares sometimes, it’s ridiculous. i wish i could trust more than one person in the world so that everything wasn’t on her shoulders.

i’m not okay. we’re not okay.

that’s about it. i’m sorry i can’t end this on a more positive note. at least we graduated with an excellent score. not that we had a graduation, obviously. thanks corona.

thank you for reading if you read this far ♥

[loudestsounds]

Top 50 Records of 2020

50- Melee by Dogleg

           You like some punk in your cereal? It’s a part of a healthy breakfast. Melee has something truly special here. It’s high octane when it needs to be while still maintaining precision and focus in the instrumentation and recording. Ultimately what’s compelling about the record is how frustrated everything sounds while still managing to maintain melody. It’s the sound of breaking shit to rhythm!

49- Grae by Moses Sumney

           A stunning and rich concoction of songs that leaves you bewildered. Moses Sumney has made something deeply personal while still inviting you inside. While the second half (which was released a few months apart from the first) tends to make the entire album feel a touch long-winded, the effort is well-executed and often breathtaking.

48- Fail to Be by Yashira

           This one snuck in at the last minute. A totally earth-shattering metal record that is determined to damage your dome permanently. There’s certainly a heavy dose of Converge influence all over the record, but Yashira manages to separate themselves from the pack with excellent song writing and unique choices. Production wise this record might be par for the course, but there are some nice little touches on tracks like The Weight and Amnesia that create wonderful depth.

47- Man on the Moon III by Kid Cudi

           I went into this thing with on giant sigh but left questioning whether I had accidentally pressed play on another album. Kid Cudi manages to pull something off! Cudi somehow takes inspiration from the genre that took inspiration from his own catalogue of music circa 2005. This is a terrific record to zone out to and let play out. Will this record rival some of the big stack bullies of hip hop? No. Cudi was never about that. He’s always been about mood and this is one moody son of a-! There are some clear skippable tracks (see: Elsie’s baby boy) but he also lands some excellent grooves on Solo Dolo, Pt. III, Lovin’ Me and Tequila Shots. While the record does suffer from overstaying its welcome with an 18 song track list—it manages not to take you out of the experience.

46- Whole New Mess by Angel Olsen

           WNM was poorly marketed as a distinct album, despite being essentially stripped back versions of 2019′s All Mirrors. Audiences were met with disappointment at having only two fresh songs to sample. The reality is it doesn’t fucking matter. Angel Olsen has done no wrong for her entire career. These songs can breathe in a ‘whole new’ way on this record and allow the listener greater insight while simultaneously haunting the walls of the record. Lark and Tonight (Without You) take on an entirely different life, and New Love Cassette feels like a different song entirely. Even Olsen’s scraps feel like fully realized ideas. Still—the title track steals the show, as we hear Olsen at her most desperate. Usually overwhelming the listener with her poise and sharp wit, Olsen promises that she’ll really do the change. She doesn’t have to change a thing.

45- Eastern Flowers by SVEN WUNDERS

           This one caught me off guard in the summer and I had it playing in the background of everything I was doing. Cleaning. Studying. Working. Eastern Flowers is middle eastern music made by Nordic people and I stopped trying to figure out how that happened a while ago. There is a lovely energy here, one that fuses traditional middle eastern melodies with funk embellishments. Eastern Flowers is just a really fun time.

44- The Archer by Alexandra Savior

           I had skipped Savior’s first record entirely before diving into the sophomore album. Going back, it’s clear that she has developed a great deal in the meantime. Despite Alex Turner producing the last one, the song writing takes the haunting details to whole new heights. Savior seems more confident in her voice, and also more willing to play with it in production (the ghostly tone on her voice in Soft Currents a testament). Savior separates herself from artists with a similar voice or who rest beside her within her genre, in how long she is willing to simmer within a song. These aren’t typical arrangements and it’s exciting to hear Savior throw you for a loop on songs like Howl and But You. We’re all excited for what lies next.

43- Push by Heads.

           Angry. Aggressive. Anxious. Push is a record that feels like the moments that build up before a massive protest. You are constantly pushed to the edge as the listener. There is a sinister element to the vocals that is deeply unsettling. Most songs slowly build with the promise of something bigger, instead reaching success simply by maintaining tension. Then there are songs like Weather Beaten and Nobody Moves & Everybody Talks that change the narrative, exploding into a punishing breakdown. Heads. Have something truly electric and angry on their hands here, and we’ll go along for the ride.

42- Indistinct Conversations by Land of Talk

           Many stripped-back and bare tracks on this one from Montreal’s own Land of Talk. It hits you about halfway through that the album is obsessed with loving one’s own history. Even when things have failed to work out, many songs suggest that we can only look back fondly. Opener Diaphonous warns I was caught up in the wrong stuff/ but I have to laugh. There are moments of greatness on this record, like the rushing movement of Look to You and the twangy riff of Footnotes—yet the marvel is in the consistent beauty, never wavering.

41- Are You Gone by Sarah Harmer

           A really soothing yet fun indie rock record that satisfies my craving for the music I loved as a teenager. There are some lovely arrangements and melodies from Harmer on this one, and while the mood is a touch sad, you’re happy you got to share in the emotion of it all. The album oscillates between more intimate moments and full-band jams, which create a nice balance—as if you’re moving in and out with the tide.

40- Circles by Mac Miller

           I was never the biggest Mac Miller fan. I wasn’t all that familiar with his catalogue before Swimming, and I perhaps made a point of listening to this posthumous release simply because he passed tragically. Still, the songs seem touched by his state, haunting the listener in combination with what we know ultimately happened to Mac. It’s a real shame it had to end like this, but if there was ever a gorgeous, captivating, and mature release to come at the end of a successful career cut short, Circles was it. 

39- Down to the Lowest Terms: The Soul Sessions by Steve Arrington

           Steve Arrington is back from his cryogenic freeze with a sick friggin’ soul album! These are fun, joyous and lived in gospel/soul tracks that play well in almost any setting. Play this bad boy with your friends, family and even around the office. Nobody will be disappointed. There are also some beautiful production touches that make this a great listen on headphones. Steve wants to tell you all about how funk is the way—and I think I believe him.

38- Atonement by exhalants.

           A fun ripper that makes you want to run up your walls and slam your fists on the floor. Atonement is not active listening per se, at least not in comparison to records released by their cohort, but it certainly puts you in a space that the band creates, dictates and commands. This is a band that has borrowed from others in the genre, but made that rare hardcore record that has just the right amount of hooks while maintaining space to catch ones breath.

37- Petals for Armor by Hayley Williams

           PFA had that multiple EP release thing that a few artists did this year (see: Dirty Projectors). Ultimately the entire project suffered from a touch of bloat—but the incredible songs were spread out enough on this album, that it had to make my list. There are incredible production choices on this record, and it clearly was a labour of love for Williams. The songs are a bit rigid in the vein of Annie Clark, but Williams has a freedom to her vocals that liberates them. I think a more refined 10 track album may have cracked my top 20. Songs like Taken and My Friend don’t seem to have a real purpose on the record other than just being half-baked mood tracks, but they don’t tarnish the effect that songs like Simmer, Over Yet or Sugar on the Rim have on the listener.

36- Farewell to All we Know by Matt Elliott

           Farewell is a collection of the creepiest, saddest and most beautiful songs you’ve ever heard. I don’t usually stray down this path but this is an album that works so well when reading or writing. There is some beautiful poetry on the darkness of the world and the last hopes for mankind. What sets the record apart lays in the details. The haunting echoes of the city streets. The whisper of ghosts that drag behind Elliott’s guitar. The record establishes incredible mood, inviting you in for a glass of despair.

35- Polysomn by Kairon; IRSE!

           My head hurts just trying to write about this record. It’s weird, heavy, melodic. The vocals feel unique to the genre while used sparingly. There is a lot of interesting synth play on this record that might invite listeners outside of the genre—but that also add depth and feeling to songs that otherwise might feel like trudges through metal music mud. Polysomn is filled with exciting, dynamic elements that are a good entrance into “weird, heavy music” for you listeners out there. I won’t pretend to know how this band does what it does any longer. Just enjoy.

34- Impossible Weight by Deep Sea Diver

           Frankly, the record is difficult to talk about without making it seem like it sounds like basically all of its contemporaries. In fairness, Deep Sea Diver shares a lot of commonality with the likes of Weyes Blood, Broken Social Scene, Sharon Van Etten (who even features on the title track). That said, everything sounds great on this record. The songs are tight, the melodies hang effortlessly and the vibes are…vibes. There are a ton of interesting choices, from the weird arrangements on Hurricane, reminiscent of Wolf Parade- to the videogame synths on Lightning Bolts. It never gets tired or boring—it just stands as an excellent indie pop/rock record that you can play at your board game night.

33- When I Die, Will I Get Better? by SVALBARD

           Equal parts mathy, metal, prog, emo and god knows what. This album has an intense feel to it that will have you uplifted as you thrash around your apartment. The momentum of these songs truly amazes, as we’re taken for an absolutely blistering ride on almost every track. Nonetheless, the songs find a way to breathe, unlike most of their contemporaries that leave you exhausted by the twenty minute mark. SVALBARD also has an ear for melody that fights typical metal fatigue. I won’t get tired of listening to this one.

32- Silver Tongue by TORRES

           After the bizarre, cryptic disappointment of Three Futures, it didn’t seem clear where TORRES would head. On Silver Tongue she appears to continue a confident journey in her own direction, but with a bit more focus and lot more precision. Where Three Futures was too disorienting to follow and often too indulgent for the listener to feel at all involved, Silver Tongue extends an olive branch—grab hold and you’ll be taken on a strange, glitchy and melodic journey into psychedelic pop rock. While the songs lack warmth, that seems to be the point entirely. There’s a magic in the cold and dreary walls that TORRES builds on the record that impresses with every subsequent listen.

31- The Baby by Samia

           A tremendous indie-rock record with some of the most excitement build-ups and hooks of anything released in 2020. Samia sings about some of the bleak realities of sexual frivolity in one’s twenties, while still somehow gloating about her vinegar and kale diets (all tongue in cheek). There are clear standout tracks (Big Wheel, Fit n Full, Minnesota) – but where Samia shines, and where she separates herself from her cohort of indie rock darlings (see: Soccer Mommy, Snail Mail, Clairo) is how well her slower ballads, such as Does not Heal, land. She is a superior song writer in many respects and has everything ahead of her.

30- Live Forever by Bartees Strange

           A very surreal, genre bending record from newcomer Bartees Strange. Live Forever sounds like totally different music depending on which track you’re on. You have some Death Cab. You have some Bon Iver. You have some Joey Badass? It’s a strange journey through an eclectic, cluttered and heavily talented musical mind.

29- The Ascension by Sufjan Stevens

           While the record as a whole underwhelmed me, Sufjan is still Sufjan. If this record was made by any other artist I’d be telling everyone about it. Many of the sounds felt a bit too familiar, which put me off just a touch. There are still unbelievable moments on this record: the layers on Make Me an Offer/ the dance-pop qualities of Video Game/ the swelling choir section of Tell Me You Love Me/ the build up of tension in The Ascension. There are the more confounding moments: Death Star as a song and not as parody/ Sugar as a slapstick suggestion of romance. Frankly I’m not all that blown away by the lead single, and nearly 13 minute odyssey, America—but I can understand how it operates as a statement of frustration and raw emotion. Nonetheless, Sufjan continues to occupy a space that, while at times mystifying, still leaves you entranced by the mystique of it all. We always leave wanting more, even if we’ve had a bit too much.

28- Set My Heart on Fire Immediately by Perfume Genius

           A gorgeous and lush assembly of songs that feel very personal to PG. The songs are grand, yet surprisingly intimate. One frustration with the songs that I’m still struggling to come to terms with, is that they seem very distant from the listener. We’re not invited into the experiences that the songs discuss—they seem isolated and tethered to the artist. That was likely a conscious decision and suits the subject matter well. Still, for all the warmth and atmosphere—you wish you could go along for the ride. Perfume Genius seems content on operating on their own planet—as we listen through frequency.

27- Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa

           This was certainly the year of Dua. She seems to have realized her final form and it’s truly a great thing to witness and listen to. Future Nostalgia plays out as an exceptional throwback pop record in a pop era dominated by future/hyper industrial production. These songs are poppy and unashamed to be exactly what they are. With the exception of the clumsy songs that bookend the record (the title track is a lacklustre open & Boys Will Be Boys attempts to tie in a loose, feminist concept to the record)—the album as a whole is jam packed with immense hooks. Let’s hope Dua hasn’t peaked because there is so much to love and groove to on this record.

26- KG by King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard

           Another instalment of the King Gizzard microtonal series. Unlike Flying Microtonal Banana, KG tends to hit harder and land smoother. There is a ton of groove on this bad boy that gets you comfortably settled, until the boys shake it up with some eclectic, middle east inspired arrangement. The beauty of KG is how you are never allowed to settle into something for too long. You’re almost always moving on to another segment, idea and branch of music that makes you feel...weird. Thanks guys!

25- Quelle by BRIQUEVILLE

           A haunting, drone fuelled romp in the spooky room. Quelle almost puts you to sleep until it urgently shakes you awake with a thunderous riff. It’s clear that every moment of the record is laboured over, every decision painstakingly made. There are moments taken straight out of your favorite horror film, yet the album manages to pull you in closer instead of pushing you away. Bold choices pay off for BRIQUEVILLE on this one, as we enter their world, and almost don’t manage to make it out.

24- Lianne La Havas S/T

           LLH self titles a record that sees her reaching back to a more stripped down, jam-based sound. There are some absolute bleeders on here that see her voice reaching registers she hasn’t covered on previous releases. The live-band recording works in her favor, as the instrumentation is loose enough to create a mood but still manages to quickly snap back to tight and precise progressions. Anchored by a well-executed Radiohead cover (Weird Fishes) the record has a strong b-side to match its grand opening half. The hypnotic qualities of many of the tracks are an especially fun element to the release as the jams tend to work you up wherever you are. La Havas has something very special on her hands with this record, and it’s one I will continue to share for years to come.

23- Omens by Elder

           A softer and, dare I say, poppier release from stoner rock fiends Elder was a welcome addition to music in 2020. There are many long form jams on this record that open themselves up to synths—and while it seems they haven’t totally mastered how to integrate more electronic segments into their riffage, the moods are still tight as hell. Give it a spin with some decent headphones and you won’t be disappointed.

22- Miss Anthropocene by Grimes

           You can try as hard as you’d like to root against Grimes but her music speaks for itself. I looked for ways to tell myself that she had finally waned or has become less inspired—but it’s just not true—she is finely tuned to whatever wavelength is firing on her alien planet. On MA the songs have more space to breathe, often meandering within themselves for over six minutes, until she hits you with a straightforward pop rock track that is so well produced and contains such a great vocal performance, that you simply cannot deny that we have yet another excellent release. It’s freaky, it’s haunting, it’s weird, and at times it’s even pleasurably comic. Grimes is doing it all and she is doing it on exactly her terms. We should expect nothing less.

21- Rough and Rowdy Ways by Bob Dylan

           I won’t pretend to be an expert on Bob Dylan’s catalogue. Nor will I pretend that I know what makes Bob Dylan good or bad. All I know is that Rough and Rowdy ways has great songs that back beautiful poetry. It’s consistently captivating and often, terribly sad. The final track, Murder Most Foul, may be one of the most potent, historical epics ever put to music. All in all, Bob Dylan has something deeply interesting to add to our weird, chaotic, and just plain shitty times.

20- Superstar by Caroline Rose

           The last show I went to was the album release of this record and it absolutely killed. Playing the record front to back, Caroline Rose will always be the pre-pandemic gig that symbolized the lightning before the thunder. Superstar is an excellent concept album about a fictionalized Caroline travelling across country with hopes of become…well… a superstar. Along the way she tosses and turns in a relationship, eviscerates doubt and self-loathing by replacing it with boisterous egotism, and manages to find herself at a finish line exhausted, and yet surprisingly having still learned something. The tracks on this record blend seamlessly into one another as Rose manages to coalesce the synth-rock madness we are used to with tighter song writing and more lyrical purpose. Caroline Rose may have just ended up what she wanted to be along.

19- The New Abnormal by The Strokes

           Everybody talks about a timeless quality that The Strokes early records have and it seems every record they have made since their first two have been made with the purpose of dispelling that very notion. The fact of the matter is, that timeless quality is what has endeared them to fans for two decades. The New Abnormal recaptures their earlier spirit. Sure, there are indulgent nods to the 80s that they seem obsessed with (sometimes to a fault)—with songs like Brooklyn Bridge to Chorus and Eternal Summer. Those songs likely work better in front of a crowd, and tend to actually crowd the record itself. Yet, there is no denying that there are excellent STROKES SONGS on this record that make you feel the way you felt listening to their first two records. The Adults are Talking is an immediate entrance into what made you love them to begin with, and Selfless follows as one of their prettiest ‘ballads’. Not the Same Anymore and Ode to the Mets close the record on an extremely high note, harkening back to the warmth of Room on Fire, with more mature and independent song structures. The true testament to the band’s growth is with their first single At the Door—which is an epic that ebbs and flows through wild croons and jagged synths, asking you to sit down and believe in the song itself. It’s as if The Strokes have been asking us to simply trust them all along.

18- UNLOCKED by Denzel Curry and Kenny Beats

           This is exactly it. Two masters collaborating in what might be their respective primes. It’s so packed, saturated, concentrated, condensed it almost seems like if it were any longer it would make our heads explode. They found the hip hop secret and managed to unlock it for us. While this may qualify as an EP it is an album’s worth of brilliance. It slaps from beginning to end with Kenny Beats saving his best instrumentals that masquerade as demos. Don’t get me wrong—these are brilliant templates for Denzel to cruise along to. Except Denzel does nothing close to cruising, he sets the road on goddamn fire. While Denzel is namedropping Rosa Parks and Don Corleone while recommending his haters go on a diet, he is playful in the same way Joe Pesci was playful in Goodfellas. With every subsequent verse Denzel is requiring that you answer the question: i’m funny how? You are certainly no clown! We swear!

17- NO DREAM by Jeff Rosenstock

           NO DREAM friggin’ rules dude! It took a bunch of listens for me to get the hang of it. I especially felt resistant to the opening track and how the record begins by pummelling you with punk chords—but that’s where Rosenstock is, so you just have to take it. NO DREAM is about giving up on settling for less. Rosenstock yells about hometown washouts, he yells about road trips, he yells about dopes who don’t believe in climate change. But you really feel something once Rosenstock starts to regret some of those lost loves. Maybe he could have behaved. Maybe he reacted too quickly. Maybe he made choices he never thought he’d make. Haven’t we all thought that? NO DREAM is a masterful punk rock record that maintains goofy, crazy, hilarious and fun traits that all good punk records need while providing us with heart that Rosenstock has never shown us before.

16- We Will Always Love You by The Avalanches

           Well, they did it again and snuck in there at the final hour. The Avalanches’ third record is a groovy, cold weather house record, bookended by some sort of intergalactic nonsense. Ultimately, the nothingness means everything, as there is an incredible amount of feeling that rests in the pieced together samples. Features from MGMT, Kurt Vile, Leon Bridges, Denzel Curry and even Rivers Cuomo only add to the madness. While the run-time is a bit long, the songs are quick enough to carry you through swiftly on your back. The Avalanches have once again offered us hypnotic, dream-like listening, perhaps when we needed it most.

15- Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

           Bridgers has this very special quality about her song writing, where it feels like she’s pulling you close to tell you something and then whispers into your ear a secret that you knew all along. She then pats you on the shoulder, nods her head, and says good luck- all with a smirk.  Bridgers has secrets we don’t have, and that’s what makes her music equal parts haunting and gorgeous. The melodies on Punisher remain in your head for months and while they are deadly serious they also reassure you with a “hey, you know this is just a song, right?”. Songs like Chinese Satellite offer more complex arrangements that are made full (but not heavy!) with string section embellishments. Halloween is the small town folk song about a place you just had to be there to understand. Graceland Too offers a nice release from the shadows that loom all over the record, although it’s never in too much sunlight to become a distraction. The entire album flows effortlessly, and before you know it you’ve reached the breathy scream and laughter at the end of epic closer I Know The End. Life is a game that Phoebe Bridgers is watching us all take bets on. She’ll remind us how it all played out later.

14- Find the Sun by Deradoorian

           These songs are odd, cyclical, hypnotic. The vocals are static and often emotionless. Find the Sun is a masterpiece taken directly from 1972—but thank god it was here to lull us into paralysis in 2020. None of the songs are direct injections, instead they are slow-release capsules that require you to take your time. Opener Red Den has a standard song structure (an anomaly), but still has a haunting, looping chorus that is interpolated with a second chorus that rests three levels lower. Perhaps the most direct track is almost impossible to describe. These songs are riddles or rubix cubes or those goddamn magic eye paintings that you have to look at for three hours to make out a boat (I see you, Mallrats). Deradoorian crafts an album that, despite requiring a certain degree of passive effort (huh?), still goes down smooth. Although clearly inspired by CAN, there is nothing frustrating here that forces you to concede that “maybe art doesn’t need to be understood, man”. This is a gorgeously pieced together album of psych/folk/rock that has earned its place on the mantle.

13- What’s Your Pleasure by Jessie Ware

           A dangerously good pop record that throws you back to the 80s with disco inspired flourishes. Some parts Robyn, some parts Madonna. Jessie Ware has a sound that grows past merely reproducing the music that has inspired her. There are curious and inventive details in songs (like the chorus in Ooh La La or the harmonized layers in the verses of The Kill). The songs take you to groovy heights with their detail, but the record also has some straightforward, power thru dance tracks like Read My Lips that anchor it, never letting you forget that this was meant to be danced to with others. What’s Your Pleasure is a beautifully woven pop masterpiece that never lets you go.

12- Down in the Weeds, Where the World Once Was by Bright Eyes

           Bright eyes is back. This record is an exciting return for the band, one that captures the misery and mysticism that surrounds our age of impending doom. Got to keep on going like it ain’t the end/ got to change like your life is depending on it-- is the first verse we hear from Conor and he never truly lets go of the sentiment. All the tracks are haunted by his past, the bleak world we live in, and the thought of trying to work out a way to make it through the days that feel like years. Down in the Weeds comes out after nine years away from the band, time Conor spent getting married and divorced, and sadly also losing his brother. These happenings find themselves scattered all over the record, as Conor is hesitant to reference them directly, but instead allows them to haunt tracks like ghosts. The instrumentation from Mogis and Walcott is fuller than other Bright Eyes records, the sounds more diverse. If someone asked what Bright Eyes sounds like one could legitimately offer this record as evidence—it is a distillation of many sounds across their entire catalogue. Ultimately what Down in the Weeds does best is remind us that the will to continue through the world is what makes us distinctly human, but also what makes us closer to something greater, something beyond everything. She doesn’t know what a comet does/ you’re approaching as you disappear-- is what we hear on the closing track Comet Song. Bright Eyes brings us closer to a truth we always knew would be just out of reach.

11- Death by Coastlands

           Aptly named, Death is a record about endings. Heart wrenching, devastating, finite and yet oddly satisfying endings. There are very sparing vocals on the record, but the instrumentation offers more feeling than any hardcore record this year. The pacing of songs like Dead Friends, the haunting choir that looms over Marrow, or the breaking of tensions that erupts out of Red Smoke Flare. This record doesn’t need words to evoke feelings of peril, urgency and grief.

10- Songs by Adrianne Lenker

           On not a lot, just forever, Adriane Lenker sings and I want to be your wife/so I hold you to my knife. This line arrives as plea instead of a threat—on an album filled with songs where Lenker reckons with her desperation. She pleas with the past for lost time returned, she pleas with her lovers for mistake forgiven, she pleas with herself for the possibility of change. When added to her catalogue with Big Thief, Songs proves that Adrianne Lenker may be the supreme song writer of our generation. On Anything she describes staring down the barrel of a hot sun as if the imagery were a familiar expression. Lenker tosses poetry at us like she might throw a frisbee. Even if we were positioned well enough to catch it, we could never throw it back, we are lucky to have it all.

09- Host by Cults

           Host didn’t feel like much on my first listen. But it kept burrowing endlessly into my brain. Now I’m waking up in the middle of the night singing the melodies on my way to go pee (No Risk! No Believing! Or Leading...). They nailed all of it. The song writing is crisp. The production is electric and soothing. They lull you to a peaceful calm with lullaby sounding tracks like No Risk. When things are just about to get repetitive they shake you out of your dream state (see: Like I Do). Every track on the record is a standout, but it can only truly be appreciated as one complete, masterful piece of music.

08- how I’m feeling now by Charli XCX

           Sure—it’s a bit of a pandemic time capsule. But holy shit. Charli made this absolute batshit hyperpop record in a month during lockdown. It is truly an unrelenting pinnacle of future pop that will hold up long past this absolute shit show of an era has passed. Charli has this way of making an unsettling listening experience that is also absurdly danceable. There are moments of insane pleasure, unhinged anxiety and bombastic ecstasy. From the promise of once again being together in forever to the claustrophobic realities of quarantine in enemy she covers the entire experience.  These songs really stand alone as brilliant testaments to Charli’s prowess. There is no stopping her as an artist at this point. Oh, and she also did us a tremendous solid by making a danceable record about how we miss dancing together. God bless you Charli, baby.

07- Ohms by Deftones

           This year needed this record. Something loud and clear as hard rock punishment. Deftones have what I believe to be their best record. Their sound has never been more crisp, focused or melodic. There are definitely new areas that Deftones explore on this record. From Spell of Mathematics to the title track—there’s a sharp attitude that plunges into their already excellent formula. The little details and flourishes of synth in songs like Genesis and Pompeji make all the difference (the latter’s transition into This Link Is Dead a clear standout)—allowing the record to breath and the listener to feel overwhelmed with, might I say, the world they have created. The album is full of beautiful moments of focus that keep the tension the band has built and cultivated for over a decade.

06- Fetch the Bolt Cutters by Fiona Apple

           Fetch the Bolt Cutters is a record that maybe wasn’t for me at all. I firmly believe that women understand more of this record than I ever could. There’s so much brilliance in the pots and pans percussion that accompanies most tracks. There’s an energy that studio drums could never bring. And well, the songwriting speaks for itself. It’s an undeniable culmination of all of her influences. Fiona Apple is a songwriter that simply doesn’t exist anymore (some of her cohort has actually, sadly, died).

The most valuable lesson Fiona teaches us is that there is no perfect way to get over anything. But we are meant to wrestle with endings. Maybe we are all meant to move on. Making friends, sneering at enemies. Like beasts in the wild. Life might be one big game of axis and allies. Like Fiona walking on her way to school, we “grind our teeth to a rhythm invisible”. This record proves that we should each bring our mouthguard.

05- Every Bad by Porridge Radio

           Every Bad is the room that your loneliness goes inside of to scream. Porridge Radio has an absolute masterpiece on their hands. Absolutely punishing lines that carve away your own anxiety with excellent songs that switch things around constantly. There isn’t a single stale song on the record and yet they work so cohesively. Every Bad is constantly asking us to self-examine, to dig a little deeper. What is going on with me? Is the first lyric you hear on the record. I’m coming home is the last. The record spans the cycle of existential dread guiding you through difficult choices and it could not have come at a better time.

04- St. Cloud by Waxahatchee

           I think I like Americana music. I probably knew that when I couldn’t resist the sing-along qualities of Killers records like Sam’s Town or Battle Born—but Crutchfield’s 2020 record has solidified for me. The writing here is too good to be true. Equal parts poetry and melody, her voice has this raw quality that really carries home when she plays up the southern twangs and drawls. The album feels obsessed with new beginnings after brutal endings. Hometowns on fire and the power of choosing to move on. The lyrics still feel haunted by the weight of memory (St. Cloud), and the anxiety surrounding what might come next (Ruby Falls), but the fresh approach to song writing has Waxahatchee sounding the best they ever have.

03- RTJ 4 by Run the Jewels

           They did it again. Not much to say here. It never gets old and it never feels stale. The records still feel like their own distinct hip-hop manifestos. The boys seems just as angry as they always did. The album arrived in the midst of a revolutionary cloud that hung over the world. The album is proof that we should expect it to remain overcast. The production on this thing is just as sleek, with El-P switching things up in bold ways on tracks like Goonies vs. ET. Some of the older tricks are used again, we have our comedown track with Pulling the Pin, we have our rock sample track with The Ground Below, we have our standout single with Ooh La La. The predictability of these songs may sound as if the album is formulaic but that’s beside the point. The fist will still knock your ass down, even if you knew it was coming. A truly loving element to the record is the bond that Killer Mike and El-P foster with each other through their alter-ego characters Yankee and The Brave- you can’t help but bask in their romance. The opening track is a blunt reminder that, in case you forgot, these guys are still here for another eleven rounds. The closing track solidifies the truth that they aren’t going anywhere, not anytime soon. And nor should they. We need Run the Jewels more than ever.

02- Captured Spirits by Mammal Hands

           Mammal Hands came out of nowhere and blew my goddamn mind. I have no deep connection with Jazz as a genre, but by god did this record force me to go digging. It’s the type of accessible, energy driven music that makes you cozy and comfortable until it rips your goddamn ears off with sax solos and manic piano arrangements. While the latter half of the record doesn’t manage to match quite the same energy as first half standouts like Late Bloomer or Riddle—the beauty of the record is in its assured sense of pace. We’ll get to the good part, but on their time. Mammal Hands know what they’re doing.

01- Women in Music Pt. III by HAIM

HAIM have found, executed, and perfected their sound all in one album. WIMPIII is a masterwork that shockingly happened all at once. Where previous albums Days Are Gone and Something To Tell You may have excited with the promise of what could come next, this record stuns you with what is happening right before your eyes. The confidence that the sisters share on the album’s cover shines through on all the tracks. They know who they are and they know how they sound. I Know Alone is a perfect example of refined song writing, with subtle production touches (especially in the percussion) that add something extraordinarily dynamic. Up From A Dream and Gasoline are the pure rockers that you knew the band was capable of, but that they never before capitalized on. There are softer, more romantic folk tracks like The Steps and Leaning on You that might make your parents cry. Spanning a wide range of topics (depression, lost loves, home, isolation) the album fit so perfectly with our insane year—but the sound, summery and sheen, will manage to stand the test of time. There was initial frustration with the choice not to include singles Now I’m In It, Hallelujah & Summer Girl within the formal track list (because on any record they are the strongest songs!)—but with further consideration, their inclusion as bonus tracks make perfect sense. HAIM has crafted 13 gorgeous, smart and powerful songs that stand alone, together. Those bonus tracks just act as a mind-blowing encore. Women in Music Pt. III is the most dynamic, focused and well-written record of 2020. We dare not ask for better.

[a-blog-just-for-sanders]

Fic - For the Record

Heyy so I wrote another fic! This is loosely inspired by the podcast musical 36 Questions, which Thomas has recommended a few times now and which I’m utterly in love with at the moment. 

This fic took me ages, cos’ it’s a very different writing style than I’m used to. It was fun though, just...tricky. But yeah, I hope you like it!

Tags are at the end! If you want taking off or adding just let me know!

(also this is the longest fic I’ve written for this fandom, omg) 

-

Title: For the Record

Pairing: Analogical (Logan/Virgil)

Warnings: minor anxiety attack

- 

“Oh, it’s recording. Salutations. This is the first recording for the progress logs of my experiment in– “

“Is this really necessary?”

“Virgil, please don’t interrupt me while I’m recording the logs.”

“Why do you even need to record this?”

“For the sake of scientific progress, of course. When undertaking an experiment of any kind, it’s important that all the data be recorded for later analysis, to ensure the results are unbiased and objective.”

“Objective? Your experiment is about emotions, I don’t think there’s anything objective about it.”

“…Nevertheless, I believe keeping these recordings will be beneficial. It will allow me to revise our progress each day and, if necessary, strategize our next step. Now, may I continue?”

“…Whatever. But, for the record, I think this is stupid.”

“Noted. Now, where was I? Ah yes, the experiment’s aims and objectives. In brief, recent…events, have demonstrated that my ability to read the emotions of others, and of myself, is… in need of improvement.”

“‘In need of improvement’?”

“For the record, let it be known that I do not appreciate sarcasm.”

“You don’t understand sarcasm.”

“Falsehood! I have studied linguistics extensively, alongside multiple different dialectical expressions, colloquiums– “

“–yeah yeah, whatever Brainiac.”

“…To return to the experiment, I have decided to take definitive steps to improve my empathetic abilities, so that in future I will be able to better understand emotional responses and react accordingly. Initial research through conventional methods, however, has proved… unfruitful. I have therefore decided to try a different method, by recruiting an… assistant– “

“Assistant? Really?”

“­–who, in spite of his sarcastic response, because I do know what sarcasm is, has promised to expose me to a broad range of emotional stimuli and situations, and to assist in the identification of my emotional responses, so that I may in turn learn to recognise the same emotions in others.”

“You’re making this sound way more complicated than it is. Give it here–“

“I really don’t see–“

“C’mon Logan, I’m your assistant, remember? I get to hold the recording-thing too.”

“It’s not a ‘recording-thing’; it’s a Dictaphone, developed by the Volta Laboratory in the late– “

“–Yeah sure, it’s a dictaphone, now hand it over… Alright, so Logan has promised to do all of my chores for the next two months, if I help him with his weird experiment on feelings and shit. So we’re going to watch a bunch of scary movies, maybe play some really annoying videogames, and he’s going to record his emotional responses in this log. I’m still not sure why I got picked to help out with this, considering I’m Anxiety and this mushy crap is definitely not my thing–“

“–I told you, the other two are far too illogical for– “

“–but hey, I get out of chores, so I don’t care. Alright, so…what now?”

“Now, we begin.”

 -

 “Salutations. This is day six in my ongoing experiment in emotional responses-”

“–For the record, I think this experiment needs a catchier name.”

“Really, Virgil. For the record, I disagree.”

“For the record, I disagree that you disagree.”

“…That makes no sense.”

“You make no sense.”

“To continue my previous statement: we have now engaged in several activities together designed to stimulate emotions, and I have been keeping a daily record of my own emotional responses in this log.”

“That sounds a bit...”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“…We are now going to watch what Virgil calls ‘scary movies’, so I may study how different individuals express negative emotions. I believe we have several movies to watch, so I will cut this log short, and report on my progress afterwards.”

 -

 “Virgil, give it here!”

“Nope, I won’t!”

“Get back here!”

“Hey, this is still day six, and I just wanted to say that Logan is terrified of clowns. And for the record, he’s a surprisingly fast runn – “

“–Are you recording this?! Virgil, the Dictaphone is for serious logs only– “

 -

 “Greetings. It is the evening of day six. Or, to be more precise, the morning of day seven: it is approximately 2:33am. I am…having difficulty falling asleep, so I have decided to report on the experiment’s progress. The scary movies were an enlightening experience, but also highly illogical and hyperbolic, and–

What was that?

…For the record, the window is open, and a breeze is coming through and blowing the curtains, which in turn is creating an illusion of movement…and the shadows on the wall might look like a facsimile of a menacing figure, but are in reality simply shadows, and completely harmless...

…Perhaps I will go see if Virgil is awake.”

 -

 “It is day nineteen. We have now watched every movie that Virgil deems ‘acceptable’ in the DVD collection of the mindscape, and I have taken extensive notes on the emotional responses displayed by each character. We are now moving onto the next step of the experiment– “

“–which is playing board games all day, apparently. Ugh.”

“Playing board games is an excellent method to refine emotional control. Frustration, for example, is an oft experienced emotion during strategic games, particularly when strategies do not pan out as anticipated.”

“…Are you sure you didn’t make this step up, so you could beat me at board games?”

“…Enjoying my victory is also an emotional response, correct?”

“I knew it! In that case-“

“–What are you– “

“–checkmate!”

“You can’t - that’s against the rules! You cheated!”

“I’m just helping you refine your ‘emotional control’!”

“That’s not-! We’re starting again, this time with no cheating!”

 -

 “Salutations. It is day twenty-seven in my ongoing efforts to rationalise emotional responses. In yesterday’s log we decided to progress to the next step in the experiment, which will involve touring the memory archives, in order to observe particular memories in Thomas’ history, so that Virgil and I can reason out why particular moments were so… emotional.  

This afternoon was meant to be our first expedition into the archives. However, Virgil is…unable to assist today. Prior observation and research strongly suggests that he is the midst of an episode of heightened anxiety, perhaps caused by cognitive distortions. He has secluded himself in his room.

Observing emotional responses in popular media over the past few weeks has demonstrated that comforting gestures are immensely useful in addressing moments of self-doubt and security…but I do not know to how to be comforting.

Should I go to him? I would like to help, but I do not want to make an error.

I am…uncertain of how to proceed.”

 -

 “For the record, I am whispering because I am stood outside Virgil’s room. I…I am still recording, so that if I am unable to convey my sincerity to Virgil, I can learn from this, and improve in the future.

It is still day twenty-seven, and I am about to knock…

…Virgil?

Virgil, I’m coming in.”

“…Logan? What’re you doing here?”

“I am here to enquire about your well-being.”

“I’m just…not in a good mood today Logan. You should leave. I can’t help in your experiment right now.”

“I’m not here for the experiment.”

“…You’re not?”

“No, I am not. Though I admit that the experiment has been highly valuable thus far in the development of my emotional understanding, and that I look forward to continuing to build on our success to date, today…today the experiment doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t?”

“No. Today I am here to…help. If you want? If you don’t, I can leave. I don’t want to leave, of course, but if it will make you happy then I will do so. Wait, no, that was an emotionally charged statement, that wasn’t my intention, my apologies, I can go – “

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to go. I mean…the company would be kind of nice I guess…unless you want to leave! It’d be okay if you did, I’m kinda gross right now, and my room is a mess, and I’m probably going to do something annoying or stupid or get upset again, or I’ll have another anxiety attack and ruin everything–“

“–I would like to stay. With you.”

“…Oh, i-if that’s what you want…

“It is.”

“Okay, then…you can stay.”

“Thank you. Could I… sit with you?”

“Oh right, yeah, let me just move the blankets, one mo-”

“–thank you.”

“…so, erm, you want to watch something?”

 -

 “Today is day thirty-three in my experiment in emotional responses–“

“–I can’t believe you’re still calling it that–”

“As these logs will demonstrate, we have spent the last five days visiting Thomas’ most powerful memories in the archives, in order to observe moments of high emotion. Today we are observing a memory of a theme park, which Thomas originally visited when he was in college.”

“Why are we here again?”

“As I stated earlier, we are here to take notes on how Thomas’ and his friends react to excitement and heightened adrenaline, so I may become familiar with how others express these emotions.”

“…okay.”

“I have made extens – gah!”

“Fuck!”

“…For the record, that was Thomas screaming. I believe Thomas’ memory of the haunted house is more...imaginative, than the original event. Perhaps Roman was feeling more present on this day than usual?”

“…”

“…Virgil? Are you okay?”

“…I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“...Perhaps we could revisit the theme park on another day. I believe on the day following this event, Thomas spent several hours at home relaxing with his friends. Why don’t we move onwards to that memory?”

“I told you, I’m fine!”

“That may be so. I, however, have grown weary of this memory. Roman’s influence has transformed it into a cacophony of chaos and it is quite…distracting. If you are amiable, I would like to move on to the next.”

“But…didn’t you want to ‘observe adrenaline?’”

“These memories will not be forgotten any time soon. I can revisit them another day. Additionally, observing memories of relaxation, of peaceful days with friends, are also essential to a successful study on emotional responses. Now, shall we go?”

“…yeah, that sounds great…Logan?”

“Yes?”

…Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

 ­-

 “It is 2:36pm on day thirty-eight. Thus far, the experiment has been a success. Indeed, it has…been more successful than anticipated.

I believe I am beginning to understand these…emotional expressions. Indeed, recently, I have found the atmosphere between Virgil and I to be particularly emotionally charged.

…I think I might…

No. These logs are a scientific endeavour, it is no place for cognitive distortions.”

 -

 “Salutations. It is day forty-three of the experiment. For the record, Virgil and I have just finished observing a memory of Thomas’ first date. It was…an enlightening experience.”

“It was gross, that’s what it was.”

“I can agree that the memory was particularly emotional, perhaps overly so– “

“–it was sappy as fuck, why did we even go there?”

“–but it is my understanding that romantic attachments are important to Thomas, as well as to a significant portion of the general population.”

“Isn’t this more…Princey’s thing, though?”

“Normally, I would agree. Nevertheless, I believe it is essential for the experiment that I observe a wide range of emotional experiences.”

“Ugh, sure, whatever. Let’s just…not do that again.”

“…Understood.”

“Good.”

“…However, before we move on, I have a question.”

“Oh great.”

“Thomas seemed very pleased when his date held his hand. I’m aware that handholding is considered a romantic gesture, but why? Does it stimulate feelings of affection? Or is it something else entirely?”

“Oh my god. For the record, I am not answering that question.”

“…Very well. Then I will simply have to try it. Virgil, your hand please.”

“What?! I’m not– “

“Virgil. You agreed to be my assistant… unless you would rather do the laundry this evening?”

“Ugh. Fine.”

“...For the record, I am now holding Virgil’s hand. His palm is damp, possibly with perspiration–“

“Wh-what, why would you even– “

“–but it is warm, and quite…pleasant.”

“…”

“Virgil, are you okay? You look quite flushed. Are you feeling ill?”

“I’m fine!”

“Are you sure? Let me-”

“Yes I’m sure! Can this part of the experiment be over now?”

“Very well, I believe we have made excellent progress for today.”

“Erm…are you going to let go?”

“Oh. Of course.”

 -

 “It is day forty-five. I am aware that I previously stated that this log is only for recording the results of my ongoing experiment, however…I cannot keep this to myself any longer.

For the record, I think…

No, I know I have grown emotionally attached to Virgil. Initially, I suspected it was the result of our growing friendship. We have spent many days in each other’s company since this experiment began, so it is only logical that I would develop an affinity for his company.

However, I believe my initial assessment was…incorrect. I do value his company. He makes me feel… content. His smile. His laugh. His endless and absolutely infuriating sarcasm.

I don’t know how, or if, I’ll ever tell him, or what this means for the experiment, or for us, but to deny it would be illogical…

For the record… I’m in love with Virgil.”

 -

 “It is day forty-six. I have decided to halt the experiment for now, until I am more able to…control my emotions.

With hindsight, learning how to recognise emotional impulses may not have been a good idea.”

 -

 “It is day forty-nine. The experiment is still on hold. I think I might stop using this Dictaphone for now, until I am able to continue in the experiment…

…I haven’t spoken to Virgil since I realised the extent of my feelings.

I am unsure how to proceed. I can’t confess - Virgil is easily startled, and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, or trigger an anxiety attack.

And I find it highly unlikely that he would – “

“Logan?”

“Oh! Virgil! Wh-what are you doing here?”

“I knocked, but you didn’t answer. Sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you, I can just-“

“No, no, stay! It’s fine. I was just…recording the latest update, for the experiment.”

“Oh. Have you been carrying on with that then? Erm, alone?”

“Ah. No. Not really.”

“Oh.”

“…”

“Are we…are we alright? Did I mess up? Cos’ if I did, I’m sorry, alright? I didn’t mean to-“

“No, you didn’t do anything. We’re fine; everything’s fine.”

“…are you sure? We haven’t really…hung out in a while. I mean, it’s okay if you got tired of me, even I get tired of-“

“Virgil. I’m not tired of you. I could never be tired of you. It would be...impossible. Illogical.”

“Oh. Oh, good. I’m glad.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

“…”

“So, erm….did you wanna watch a movie or something? Patton made cookies earlier, we could have some? Maybe with hot chocolate?”

“That sounds…wonderful.”

 -

 “Erm, testing, testing, one two three? Wait no, that’s microphones. I’m just going to hope this is actually working…How does Logan usually start these again? Oh yeah. It’s day fifty, I think? I’m not sure, I haven’t been keeping track.

But yeah, Logan left the Dictaphone on the sofa…I think it might have fallen from his pocket, during the movie. It’s a good thing I found it, cos’ it’d be really fucking annoying if we lost all these recordings.

Anyway, it’s like 3am and I’m pretty sure he’s sleeping right now, so I’m just going to leave this outside his door. Okay, right, well, goodnight…

…and Logan? If you’re listening?

For the record…I love you too.”

-

Tags:

@thegeekgirl42 @nourstudies @demonickittykat @xix-leiloves-xix@uniquelyinsane7@podcastsandcoffee @the-potterhead-phandom @waste-disposal-unit @musicphanpie-b@superwaywardangel @thebrightsilverlining@here-to-vent@elder-jeremiah @gracefullyinsanedancingunicorn@zamoradraw @reallyawkwardlyawkwardhuman @makingsunshine@virgilmood @data7-cyber29 @mintelion @colie7700 @holdnarrytight@lizziepopanime @lostgirlgwen @wammygirl

[neon-serpent-llc]

Time to stroke my ego and elevate my opinions to untouchable facts with the fourth annual Whatever Awards! Now, don’t let me being a veteran AAA game developer trick you into thinking this list has any merit. My pointless, subjective list carries the same weight as The Oscars, that is to say, none.

Now read my absolutely important, objective list of Best Games.

Intentionally Hardcore or Accidentally Impossible? - ELEX One of my gaming guilty pleasures involves wonky sandbox adventures from Europe. Colorful worlds with unconventional RPG systems make for...unique game experiences. Which means unpredictability; something AAA games sorely lack.

This year’s prime example was ELEX, from the makers of Risen. Adding a dose of sci-fi seemed like an interesting twist on this already bizarre sub-genre, but it may (or may not) have gone horribly wrong. Because I genuinely can't tell if this game is monstrously difficult by design, or by accident.

The leveling system is heavily balanced towards quest completion, yet most quests involve traveling to areas swarming with tough monsters (who reward almost no experience for being killed). The combat is extremely stiff, so fighting them is an uphill battle to begin with, but presumably easier with better weapons. Yet you can't upgrade weapons (or even hold fancy weapons, like a blaster pistol) until you level up your character...which is almost impossible, since you finish so few quests. There's no good way to break in to this loop.

So my brief time with ELEX devolved into cautiously exploring the world and running away from all combat. And reloading often from the never ending stream of one-shot kills.

The Tale of Two Takes Award(s) - Nioh and The Surge Both games offered a take on the Soulsborne formula this year, with varying degrees of success. Without naming names, one was fast, fun, and interesting, whereas the other was slow, awkward, and frustrating. I liked the settings of each, and the core systems, but ultimately one I finished and the other I dropped after getting lost for hours in the second level. And for me to get lost is an almost unheard of feat. Remember, I make virtual mazes for a living!

Phrases to Retire Award, part 1 - Love Letter Every indie game on Steam is a love letter to some game from the past. Just once, I'd like to see a reply from one of the games that’s been called out.

Dear Face Xploders Xcelsior, Thanks for the kind thoughts. I tried your demo, and it kinda sucked. Please, don't write me again. Ciao, Castlevania.

P.S. Stop mentioning my name!

Too Much of a Good Thing Award - Prey Prey is a smart, rewarding game with confident, emergent design. Except for the last four hours of backtracking and more backtracking through monsters that repopulate at mach speed. Because of this, there is little motivation to fight them, only to flee, leading to a marathon of speed-run style tactics to get from point A to B, and back again. That said, the ending IS great, and makes everything come together as a whole, but it could have arrived much sooner. AAA games are so afraid to cut any finished content, (hey, that cost time and money!), but sometimes its necessary.

Way Too Much of a Good Thing Award - Miitopia Miitopia is a quirky, cute game with fairly standard JRPG design. And there's a good dose of humor in the unexpected interactions between Mii characters. Nothing close to the likes of Tomodachi Life, the insane, brilliant Mad-Lib generator, but still amusing.

This is a slow paced game, one that I burned through over the course of many nights, falling asleep in bed. But the thing is, this game is HUGE. It keeps going and going, world after world. Long after it has run out of new things to show you, there is just MORE. Even beating the game unlocks two worlds and an infinite side-quest system. As a kid, I never imagined that a game could be too long. Sorry, Little Me, but you were wrong!

Bad Habit Award - Hyperbole Headlines Everything is either the Best Thing Ever or the Worst Thing Ever. This reaches much further than the game industry, but some (not all) of our news sites have jumped fully onto this trend, which is the Worst Thing Ever, by the way.

I Forgot This Came Out Award - For Honor One of my only repeat awards, the "I Forgot This Came Out" Award is not meant to downplay the award's recipient, its meant to humbly remind us that hype and excitement mean nothing when it comes to standing the test of time. For Honor was a big E3 reveal for Ubisoft, a new IP set to redefine online combat. It had the world's attention. I tried the beta and it never clicked for me, but I know some of my co-workers adored it.

And then...it was gone. Like so many of the games we pour years of our lives into creating, they get their 15 seconds of fame, and nothing more. No end of the year praise, no all-time best lists. Just another momentary fragment of joy.

Best MMO - Destiny 2 No matter what Bungie claims, Destiny 2 is an MMO...and it's pretty fun this time! There's a deep-seated momentum to the gameplay. You never sit still as you dance through a progression of ever more colorful worlds. And strong art direction bleeds through everything. Compare that to my only memories of Destiny 1: sitting around, waiting for a FitBit to decode computers in dull, empty rooms.

Phrases To Retire Award, Part Two - Blowing Up My phone is blowing up! This game is blowing up! These awards are blowing up! They got two whole retweets!!

Remasterpiece Award - Final Fantasy XII Sometimes its sacrilege to mess with a masterpiece. Even the phrase "Who shot first?" evokes memories of defending Han's trigger finger. Yet, in videogames we buy remakes and remasters with the express hope that our masterpieces HAVE been messed with. They better have spruced up them graphics and tripled the FPS, re-recorded the voice-overs, let me fast travel, save anywhere, and given me a new epilogue for good measure.

Such is the case with Final Fantasy XII, a masterpiece to begin with, and much more so now with the addition of one clever feature: the fast-forward button. One click and the entire game runs at either 2x or 4x normal speed. I was certain using it would cheapen the experience, but to my surprise, it greatly enhanced it. By speeding up the tedious parts, players have more time to enjoy the tasty bits. It encourages deeper exploration of the world and its content.

One could argue, of course, that there should be no tedious parts, but I can think of few narrative-heavy games without some tedium built-in. Every second of the story can't be exciting, we need peaks and valleys. A sprinkle of tedium helps virtual worlds feel more lived-in and authentic. Pure games like Ikaruga can dispense with tedium because the story of Ikaruga is "shoot or die!"

It'll be interesting to see what happens with Shadow of the Colossus next (this) year. A ground-up remake of yet another masterpiece, but by a completely different creative team. Every line of code is new. If I told you I had the exact blueprint to replicate the Mona Lisa, I doubt you'd be excited to see my "remake."

Trend That Needs To Die - Loot Boxes They've been lame since day one and everyone finally seems to agree. Companies, just let us directly buy the dumb consumer junk we want!

Game that Most Impressed my Parents Award - Horizon: Zero Dawn My Dad is a classical landscape painter, so I like to show him vast game environments. While he was impressed by Assassin's Creed's Egypt, and Zelda's rolling fields, he was blown away by the sheer beauty of nature on display in Horizon. And my Mom also remarked that it was "very pretty." I made a brief attempt to explain robot dinosaurs to them, but ultimately concluded with, "look, its a videogame, ok?"

The Inverse Xenogears Award - Mass Effect Andromeda Xenogears, if you'll recall, started strong and remained strong...until disk 2 where, frankly, the game kinda fell apart. Many games fall into this mold, most famously Mass Effect 3 which ended on a particularly underwhelming note.

So what happens when I game STARTS on a particularly underwhelming note, but gains momentum and finishes strong? Such is the case with ME:A. The game sets up a simple, awe inspiring premise: humanity goes to Andromeda. We've finally reached a new galaxy. Things beyond our imagination await here, just you wait!

Oh, never mind. Turns out its just the standard bipedal dudes-with-guns waiting for us, behind cover no less. Also, some animations were weird. Buzz killed. Understandably, most people bailed out around this point.

But, given about ten hours, the game opens up. For one, you start visiting proper alien-looking planets, and the scope of the story broadens vastly. Around the same time you've gotten enough abilities to zip around the battlefield, never needing to hide for cover again. This is where the game should have started.

By the end, the fate of Andromeda convincingly rests in your hands in a truly bombastic finale that hits on every level. And your character is a bona fide joy to control by this point. This is easily the strongest ending in Bioware's history, overcompensating for the ME3 ending fiasco. Shame that most will never see it, and the stage that it sets will never continue. Mass Effect is likely dead now.

What's the Fuss Award - Player Unknown's Battlegrounds This game has been around for years, more or less, in various forms. So why do people suddenly care? Why this one? Nothing about it is particularly new. If anything, it seems like a slower, clumsier version of almost any other shooter that comes to mind. The Zeitgeist is weird.

Might have been game of the year, if I had more time to play it - Persona 5 Even though I've played ten hours already, I know I'm basically nowhere in this game. Which is more than I can say for Divinity 2, another supposed GOTY candidate that I've yet to even start. There were just too many good games this year. Who has the time to play them all, especially these 100+ hour behemoths?

Movie and music critics can easily keep up with new releases, but game reviewers are obligated to complete these massive games before rendering judgement. Most professional game outlets divide reviews across numerous individuals and even then these outlets only review a fraction of new releases. Is there a single soul on Earth that played EVERY Steam game released in 2017? Doubtful. Given this, is any "game of the year" pronouncement valid? At best, GOTY is more like "Best game I played this year, of the 5% of total releases that I actually played"

Phrases to Retire Award, Part 3 - Is a thing. Apparently, Microsoft Windows 3.1 is still a thing. Listen, it might have been cute if it was said once, by one human, and then retired for a decade. But instead it's said by every human, every second, about every THING. How is this a thing?

The Long-Lost Everything Award - Xenoblade 2 This game reminds me of all the best bits of ye olde games of yore: A huge, sweeping story that keeps evolving and unfurling with none of the cut corners I associate with the PS3 era (where every game got really short, and every environment got reused 200 times). A huge, sweeping soundtrack with countless memorable songs and none of the generic movie-orchestration I associate with games made in the west. A huge, sweeping overworld that's intricately hand crafted to match the story (living on the shoulders of Titans is escapism at its best), with none of the generic cities/fields I associate with, well, most open world games.

Mostly, this felt like a great, overlooked space-opera Anime that we've all somehow rediscovered 15 years later. That said, the fan service also feels fifteen years out of date, and is the only questionable bit from ye olde games of yore.

“Hey, I Have a Fun Idea” Award - Super Mario Odyssey The award is named after how the game was designed. Just a bunch of people sitting around saying, “hey, I have fun idea,” and then making that into a tight, micro-slice of gameplay bliss. This game is loaded with brief, memorable moments that are novel, and never overstay their welcome. As the last drop of fun has been reached with one activity, the game is already moving you along to the next...hundreds of times in a row. Now that's impressive.

Everyone's a Speedrunner Award - Ys VIII: The Lacrimosa of Dana Most games try to mimic real-world physics when it comes to character movement. A character's jump, for instance, looks wrong if it doesn't match what we'd expect to see in reality. Speedrunners know how to exploit these pseudo-physics to great effect, and use this knowledge to "break the game" by moving and jumping in ways unintended by the game's developers. Usually this type of movement is difficult to perform, and requires hours of practice to master single-frame animation windows and pixel-perfect jump arcs.

But not in Ys VIII! Just mash on the jump and dodge buttons and you'll soon become a whirling dervish of energy, constantly increasing in speed. It requires no practice, and feels exhilarating. The music's tempo matches the speed, and nothing ever slows you down, making it clear that this freedom of movement was by design. Brilliant!

The Armchair Architect's Wet Dream Award - Gravity Rush 2 Gravity Rush 2 is a beautiful game. Maybe too beautiful, as I spent most of my time slowly walking the streets, taking in the colorful architecture. And while this world is obviously an impossible place, most of the buildings still seem like they could work. In particular, I liked that the bottom of every island was explorable as well. I guess there are literally no places to hide when your main character is a badass, flying-cat superwoman.

Game of the Year Award (or Best game I played this year, of the 1% of total releases that I actually played) - Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild Hardly surprising given that Zelda has won this award from...well, everybody I think, but there is no denying this game is just sublime. A profound sense of freedom and old-school Adventure permeates every inch of this vast world. And the game is greatly unpredictable, thanks to all the emergent physics systems built-in to the core gameplay. No two encounters play the same because of it, keeping this behemoth utterly engaging from start to finish.

Art of the Year Award - Nier Automata Videogames are an Artform, which we all (finally) know by now, but of course they're only one of many Artforms that fight for our hearts and minds: Movies, music, literature, painting, sculpture, and sandwiches made at Subway (hey, they're made by "sandwich artists," right?). And with this in mind, I offer up my first ever "Art of the Year Award" to the best damn Art I've seen in many years: Nier Automata.

It's hard to explain why this game packs so much of a punch, especially given that, at first glance, it seems like an easily dismissable fan service game. Do not be fooled! What starts as a standard sci-fi premise, becomes more and more involved both in terms of plot and philosophy. This buildup leads you exclusively in one direction, thematically. This theme is remarkably consistent, from the music to the side quests, even to the enemies you encounter. That is, until the credits of ending five roll (there are 26 endings, but you'll only need to see five to fully understand what I mean). Then everything gets flipped, so to speak, in what is EASILY the best ending in video game history. This turnabout is not only well earned, but it makes every second preceding it feel more important and absolutely necessary. In terms of vision, this is a Complete Thought, delivered in video game format.

Most importantly, Nier showed me that "art games" don't have to be boring. It's so fun to play! With my game, ULTRAWORLD EXODUS, I kept many exciting elements of movement out because I was worried players wouldn't pay attention to the message, which was the game's reason to exist. But instead, they paid attention to the lack of movement options, and missed the message anyway because they were too frustrated. Nobody wants a symposium, they want to smash giant robots. And hey, if someone is talking that philosophy stuff in the background, that's cool I guess, as long as I can keep smashing. This one will stay with me for years.

-----------

And that’s all; what an embarrassment of riches this year was! Feel free to disagree with me, because honestly, that’s the point. Your opinions will always hold the most weight, far more than mine, which suck. So, yeah, whatever :P

[enterinit]

New Xbox One Games for December 10 to 13

New Xbox One Games for December 10 to 13.

Fishing: Barents Sea – Complete Edition (December 10)

Experience life as a fishboat captain, starting out with a small boat inherited from your grandfather, earn money doing fishing with longline, net or trawl, buy upgrades, bigger and better fishing boats like trawlers and a lot more. Make your grandfather proud!

Eternum Ex (December 10)

A retro platformer with the look and feel of classic ’80s arcade cabinet games. With simple core gameplay mechanics, an increasing difficulty, and exciting gameplay, and with a very precise control, Eternum Ex is great for retro hardcore gamers and for those who want to get a start in retro games.

Terminator: Resistance (December 10)

There is no fate but what YOU make. Experience the events leading up to the decisive final battle for the fate of mankind in the war against the machines. Terminator: Resistance, is a first-person shooter set during the 'Future War' scenario that was only glimpsed at in the iconic films, 'THE TERMINATOR' and 'T2: JUDGMENT DAY'. The machines are destined to lose, but at what cost? Run and gun or sneak and hack through Skynet’s defences! Level up your skills and explore a post-apocalyptic world for scraps to trade and craft! Interact with a motley group of survivors and change their fates! Features: Focused, Single-player, First-Person Shooter ExperienceUse Skill points to develop your character from a nameless soldier and into your ideal action heroGather and trade resources with other survivorsFace off again iconic enemies from the films including HK’s and Infiltrators

Avicii Invector (December 10)

Belt up and blast into the rhythmic regions of unexplored space in AVICII Invector. Created in collaboration with the late superstar DJ, AVICII Invector is a pulse-pounding, frenetic rhythm-action experience. Soar through vocal melodies, sweep each fade and attack every beat in 25 of AVICII’s biggest hits, including global chart toppers: Without You, Wake Me Up and Lay Me Down. Fly solo or recreate the party feeling of an AVICII concert with heart-thumping, competitive gameplay. Each track is built to perfectly match the on-screen visuals taking you through a musical odyssey of serene exploration. Find your rhythm, feel the beat and keep the musical journey flowing. https://youtu.be/u1xrJdUF2qI

Jurassic World Evolution: Return to Jurassic Park (December 10)

Following the events of the iconic 1993 film, you’re invited to return to the island where it all started. Reclaim the park from the dinosaurs,rebuild beloved locations, and overcome new challenges guided by Dr. Alan Grant, Dr. Ellie Sattler, and Dr. Ian Malcolm in an original narrative voiced by the film cast.

Rift Keeper (December 10)

Embark on your journey, travel through rifts and restore the balance as the Rift Keeper in this handcrafted 2D roguelite platformer with challenging, fast-paced action gameplay. Duty called and the Rift Keeper woke up from his deep slumber. The little town he was summoned was silent as if it's the end. He opened the church's rusty old door and four old men wearing red robes greeted him with a grim smile. One of the priests stepped forward and said, "The Gates are open". Features: Embark on your journey, travel through 30 different dungeons! Grow powerful as enemies keep getting harder. How far can you go?Loot epic gear as you progress through the dungeons. Find new weapons and accessories, grow your power!Unique enemies to fight with and many more to come!30 handcrafted dungeons!

Metaloid: Origin (December 11)

A fast-paced, run ‘n’ gun 2D platformer. Take on the role of one out of three android warriors and dash through nine different levels in order to save their planet from a robot army led by Lucian Corp, whom invade their planet and exploit the planetary resources to fuel their galactic war efforts.

Stone (December, 2020)

G’day, I’m Stone. Here’s our Xbox page. Play this single-player third-person movie length interactive story and see what happened. Yeah it was rough, but a good life lesson. Enjoy, and remember don’t do this at home ya bunch of crazy animals. By the way this story really isn’t going to be for everyone. So enter at your own risk, mate. Plus this was created by a global team including the narrative designer of QUANTUM BREAK, CONTROL and VFX artist from GRAVITY, PROMETHEUS & more. You're in good hands, mate. FLAMING FEATURES: 3rd person so you can rotate a drone cam around me and move me like VoodooDeep, reference heavy interactive story never told, mate.Drinking, dancing and smoking for your pleasure.Map based free roam so you can explore the world at your own pace. Here’s some tips:Echo for great techno, Smoky Possum for some liquid gold and my flat. It’s comfy mates.A cast of my mates. Like Les, weirdo and kanye lover and my gorgeous chookie Alex.BTW if you see Cockie, tell her I’m sorry again. If you see Devil, run, run, run!Amazing licensed tracks from sick up and coming indie musicians at the Record Shop.Like Ryan Little, Luchii, Ilkka S, Warchief, James Tottakai & MoreSeriously the music is great. There’s hip hop, trap, stoner rock and heavy techno!Also THERE”S CLASSIC MOVIES!!! Yeah you can watch film classics likeSentimental Bloke, Night of the Living Dead & Story of the Kelly Gang ( CONVICT REPRESENT )Hang out with me.It’ll be bonza and hell, I think you’ll be a better person from it too. Your mate, Stone Features: Interactive StoryLicensed SoundtrackClassic CinemaStoner Noir

Headliner: NoviNews (December 11)

WHAT IF YOU CONTROLLED THE NEWS? A stack of news article sits on your desk, two stampers on each side - green to approve, red to reject. Your reporting team is hacking away in the background as corporate music plays through the loudspeaker. It's time to make decisions. Will you endorse nationalized healthcare, even though your love interest is worried about increased wait times? Will you demonize the new synthetic alcoholic drink, even though your boss stressed they are an important investor? Will you support current government, as tensions grow between the neighboring country? After work, you emerge on the streets of Novistan, shaped by the very news you publish. Perhaps you will see more graffiti, angry bums or even a riot? Or perhaps you will turn the nation into peaceful utopia, filled with cameras and drones watching your every step? How will your channel address tragic events about to happen? Will you agree to meet the clandestine group of truthtellers, or stop to watch the Prime Minister's speech? On the way home you meet with three main characters: Evie, your co-worker and immigrant, worried about her health and growing xenophobic sentiment; your brother Justin, an aspiring comedian struggling with impostor syndrome and social anxiety; finally Rudy, a single father trying to provide for his little girl and keep his store afloat, while a mega-mart opens up next door. Each day provides a glimpse into their life and how the media shapes their beliefs. But every Headliner deserves to relax at home from the stress of the job. Listen to the radio and unwind on the comfy couch bought with hard-earned cash, as you watch the city burn outside the window. Perhaps splurge on treats to feed your doggo? Adopt a drone? Have your brother over for dinner? Or maybe keep your doors locked, hoarding every penny, as your apartment slowly fills with piles of cash? After good night's sleep, it's time to once again face to boss, new articles, a growing sense of responsibility, and.... power.

Ultimate Racing 2D (December 11)

Ultimate Racing 2D is the ultimate top-down racing game, with 35 racing classes, over 45 visual stunning tracks, multiple career modes, championship mode and offline multiplayer mode. Make your way from Karts to Formula Racing in the extensive career mode, play local multiplayer with up to 8 players or create your own custom championship. Race on 45+ international tracks from all continents. Besides Road Courses the game contains Ovals, Dirt Ovals, Historic Tracks, Karting Circuits, and Ice Speedway Tracks. Choose from a variety of racing disciplines like Open-Wheel, Oval Racing, Dirt Racing, Historic Racing, Touring Cars and Sports Car Racing. Drive your favorite vehicles, from Formula Cars to Motorbikes, Trucks, Supercars, Stock Cars, Tractors, Quads, Karts, Forklift Trucks, GT Cars, Speedway Bikes and many more. Experience thrilling top down racing in one of the best-looking 2D racing games. Features: 35 racing classes300+ different cars45+ tracksLocal multiplayer up to 8 playersCareer mode, Championship mode and Quick Race modeUp to 20 cars on trackCustomize teamsPit stop, qualifying and boost optionsRealistic car physics and sound effectsFun gameplay with exciting AI fightsVisual stunning 2D graphicsWeather effectsSpectator mode

SuperEpic: The Entertainment War (December 12)

Join a racoon and a llama in their quest to save videogames as we know them! SuperEpic is a Metroidvania style action-adventure game filled with humor and satire. The gameplay is nonlinear and fast-paced, with exploration and combo-based combat the weapon of choice against the evil Regnantcorp!

Pathologic 2 (December 12)

Pathologic 2 is a narrative-driven dramatic thriller about fighting a deadly outbreak in a secluded rural town. The town is dying. Face the realities of a collapsing society as you make difficult choices in seemingly lose-lose situations. The plague isn’t just a disease. You can’t save everyone. The plague is devouring the town. The chief local healer is dead, and you are now to take his place. You’ll have to look for unexpected allies. The local kids are hiding something. Try playing by their rules. You only have 12 days. 12 days in an odd town ravaged by a deadly disease.Time is of the essence: if you don’t manage it carefully, it’ll simply run out. You’ll have to choose how to spend the priceless minutes you have.Survival thriller. You’ll have to manage your bodily functions, offsetting hunger, thirst, exhaustion, and so on. It doesn’t boil down to scavenging resources. Surviving on your own is hard; you’ll have to win over allies.An uphill battle. Managing your bodily parameters may seem bearable at first, and as time goes by, it becomes harder and harder. Your own body is only waiting for an opportunity to give up and betray you. Things are changing from bad to worse and the odds are stacked against you.A duel with an enemy you can’t kill. Your main foe is the plague itself, an incorporeal and malevolent entity that you have to defeat… without having the means to. It’s more powerful and more treacherous than you can imagine.Loot, murder, mug, steal, barter, beg… or don’t. You need resources to survive, and it’s up to you how to obtain them.The fights are short, ungraceful, and vicious. They’re not always lethal though. Many people—yourself included—would prefer to exchange their wallet for their life.

Cardpocalypse (December 12)

On her first day at Dudsdale Elementary, 10-year old Jess accidentally gets everybody’s favorite collectible card game banned. Troubles arise when mutants from the game invade the real world, and it’s up to Jess and friends to stop them. Make friends, play cards, twist the rules, become a Mega Mutant Power Pets master, and save the world in this single-player RPG about being a kid growing up in the ‘90s.

Dreamwalker: Never Fall Asleep (December 13)

In a small tourist town, a young girl, the daughter of the town’s mayor, falls in coma due to an accident. The inability of the local physicians’ forces Mrs. Mayor to seek the aid of a psychiatrist, who is rumored to possess a unique ability to traverse people’s dreams, a Dreamwalker.

Aborigenus (December 13)

A small adventure platformer with RPG-elements in a primal world. Hunt the aggressive fauna, learn new abilities and fight with the whole enemy army. Choose who you are – a shaman, a warrior or a hunter. Can you save the flying islands from the evil?

Dead End Job (December 13)

Take on the role of Hector Plasm, a worker at Ghoul-B-Gone, the Number One expert in paranormal pest control, as you’re tasked with heading to haunted offices, restaurants, and other everyday buildings before freeing them of unwanted guests. Enter this madcap, whacky world to bust up ghosts in this procedurally generated, couch co-op, twin-stick shooter. Read the full article

[gamesdoneslow]

PlayLog - LoZ: Twighlight Princess (2006) #7

Alright, it’s been a while since I put down Twilight Princess, time to share my thoughts about the plot. I’ll lead with a warning: when it comes to narrative, you get me at my most critical. Some will say that it’s not fair to attack a video game, especially a Zelda game, for weak narrative. After all, the story here is window dressing; it’s a paper-thin reason to go pilfer dungeons and collect hook-shots. I would reply by saying that OoT, a game that was similarly terse, had a more profound effect on me. Considering that, I would suggest that even a token narrative can have a huge impact on a game experience. 

What’s the deal with the Zora prince? - Plot threads dangle at the end of this game. There are lot of NPCs that are established, given arcs, and then kind of forgotten about in the last act. I realize that there are probably side-quests that resolve some of this stuff, and maybe I missed them. But I feel like these kinds of games like to wrap up by revisiting all the kooky NPCs you’ve met along the way, and I was sort of expecting that. Instead, the most you see of them are the backs of their heads during the credits. That may be fine for the Yetis, but that Zora prince was left orphaned.  I kept checking in on the brat, had some philosophical conversations with him about finding the will to lead without the guidance of a parent, blah blah. I kept waiting for this thread to resolve into something, but no. After hanging out around his mother’s grave for weeks, he catches a glimpse of her ghost during the credit sequence, the end. That feels kind of lazy, no? 

Foreshadowing nothing - In an earlier post I brought up Link’s creepy dream sequence. I was hoping that it foreshadowed some kind of plot twist - maybe one that questions the black and white nature of morality in the Zelda formula. Or at least something interesting happening between Link and his girl-next-door romantic interest. Instead, things go pretty much according to script. There’s no ambiguity between the good guys and the bad guys, and the day is won when Link uses all his scary magic gear to kill the villains. So I guess the “power corrupts” message was all a reference to the events of the tragic backstory, and had no real implications for anything the current heroes were dealing with. Oh well.

Rumors of her death were greatly exaggerated - Didn’t Zelda die? It was strongly implied that she was dead after the second encounter in Hyrule castle. She Obi-wans into nothing, while Midna shouts in protest.  Then Midna says something to the effect of “she gave everything she had to give.” A little later the game hints that some part of Zelda is living inside of Midna, which, fine, I’ll accept that. It would explain Midna’s complete personality flip at least - she loses her snark at this point and becomes a Zelda-brand-vanillia justice-warrior for the rest of the game. But then when it’s final boss time, we see Zelda strung up in the castle throne room. So... where’d she come from? Where did she go, if she wasn’t physically part of Midna? Does it matter? Well, yes! You can’t write a character out and then forget to write her back in! Especially if you’re suggesting she had previously became one with the force.

The star of the show - I get that Link is a silent protagonist, and it is tradition to give your mute hero a chatty sidekick (although that has always felt like having one’s cake and eating it too, in my opinion). Midna takes this a step further though, and becomes a full-on protagonist in her own right. Some might say, THE full-on protagonist. Let’s look at the evidence. Firstly, she accepts all the quests. This is, of course, typical work for the chatty sidekick. But then she proceeds to swear an oath of vengeance, develop personal ties to both the main villains (and their backstories), collect her own ancient weapon of power... hell by the end of it she seems to have her own romance going with princess Zelda.  I felt personally embarrassed for Link during one late-game cutscene where, after a long dialogue between Midna and the rest of the main cast, she tosses it back to you with a “Oh yeah, and Link will help out too!” “He can cut stuff with that sword when I tell him to. Who’s the legendary hero? Yes YOU are!” Link just smiles blankly and nods, grateful to keep his halitosis a secret for just a while longer.

The writers forbid your love - Deep spoilers for the ending here - Why does Midna destroy the passage between their worlds? There’s a tearful goodbye scene, wherein Zelda reminds everyone that they have a nifty portal, and that using this portal they could all get lunch together sometime. Midna agrees that the portal would allow this, and then she destroys it, with much sadness and regret. Tis truly a tragic fate, when two unlikely friends are driven apart by the cold hands of - wait, why? Why would she do that? It’s well established by the ponderous and recurring backstory that the world’s predicament was the result of ambitious evil men. Evil men from both sides of the portal, by the way. Nothing is gained by destroying the link between the worlds, especially now that both kingdoms have benevolent princesses calling the shots. Actually, I thought that uniting the kingdoms was kind of the reward for all Link’s adventuring. It’s certainly suggested in the backstory, and in the way Zelda talks about providing reparations to the Twili. It felt like the writers wanted a profound and bittersweet ending, but instead of setting it up properly they just dropped one in at the last minute. Personally, it didn’t land.

Games Done Slow is a play log where I record thoughts and criticisms through a game-design lens as I play through videogames new and old. More to come!

[jojogape]

A little big confession.

I think it’s about time I got something out of my chest.

It’s got something to do with game development, but mostly with my... career.

It’s been a strange year in this aspect. I’ll put it under a read more, but long story short, everything’s fine now.

I’m dropping out from college.

After seven years trying and failing to rewire my brain into thinking like a programmer, I’ve finally come to the conclusion that programming is simply not for me.

Since I had spent some years taking “”“computer science lessons””” (read: learning to use Google, playing games, using Microsoft Word and Excel) back then, around 2006 I decided computers were my stuff. Not because I loved the idea of walking around messing with the wires and chips, or learning any programming language, but simply because I thought using a computer was Fun.

Now now, as a kid I always kept changing my life goals, I’ve wanted to be an astronaut, a cook, a teacher, a freaking singer???? Or maybe an actor. I don’t even remember. But the one and only goal in life that didn’t change was making videogames.

Back in the 90′s or early 00′s, this was a really strange dream.

“What a weird job! That’s so nerdy! That doesn’t get you anywhere! What do you even study to become a game developer!?”

So I, in all my innocence, thought it was a good idea to get into computer science. Nice! I’ll get to use the latest technology, I’ll animate in 3D, I’ll work at Pixar, I’ll-

No.

I simply deluded myself with the idea that computer science would get me where I wanted, because in Spain, or least most of the country, there isn’t such a thing as a “videogame development” career. I expected to, at least, know the basic stuff thanks to computer science, and boy was I wrong.

75% of the career is directed solely at programming, and hardware. Programming in different languages, programming obsolete ways of storing memory, programming ways of laying out and processing data, programming databases, imagining strange case scenarios that are extremely specific to the very concept you’re trying to learn and probably not even going to use in the rest of your life.

From the remaning 25%, about 15% is math. As in, boring, extensively explained and justified, and needlessly advanced, math. I personally had little to no problem with it - I passed most if not all of the math subjects in the first two years. And 10% is booooooooooooring protocols and company stuff.

Most of the time, when I thought of dropping out practically every year, there were two main fears: A, disappointing my family, and B, losing my friends. For the record, my university friends and I are still in contact, and we’re a solid squad. They were the first friends with whom I could be 100% myself.

But A, continuously failing my programming subjects made my family disappointed anyway, and B, my friends passed different subjects at different speeds, so we don’t really see each other that often in class anymore. As of this semester, I don’t share classes with any of them. So those two reasons slowly vanished and I was left in some sort of limbo where I didn’t want to keep studying, but I kept going because lol inertia.

This year, all of my subjects were programming subjects, and all of them were horribly boring and time-consuming to me. So, in order to keep my grip on reality somehow, I added a third year subject to my year: web applications development.

It’s not really about developing apps at all, it’s more about getting in touch with a few programs such as Audacity, Blender, Gimp, etc... and learning about design, cameras, file formats.

“Awesome! Something I actually know about!”

Needless to say, this subject was a freaking breath of fresh air. I had a blast every Wednesday afternoon, editing audio, learning 3D, restoring old pictures... it was fun. It was exciting. I, again, felt the joy of studying something I loved. It made me feel so excited I actually decided to make Someday v0.10, and take a short 3D modeling course for free.

The 3D modeling course was amazing. It actually made me say “THIS is want I want to do”.

Once the subject was over in February, I was brought back to reality. The rest of my year was all programming.

But that same month, one or two people began offering money for my drawings. Ever since the previous summer, I saw my family grow increasingly proud of my drawings and, heck, my work in general. They actually supported my interest in 2D or 3D art, and they recently started supporting my interest in formally learning Japanese (I’m actually looking for courses in case I can join one).

My world turned upside down entirely. And suddenly, everything came together.

I don’t like computer science.

I like all of the artistic stages of game development.

I like drawing. I like designing. I like writing stories and dialogues. I like translating. I like modeling. I like composing.

I don’t like programming, or anything about marketing.

I like art.

The idea of being An Artist is completely alien to me, though. When I was a kid, my drawings were terrible. Like, really terrible. I didn’t even like drawing. But I kept doing it. I wanted to share my ideas, my worlds, my characters. And eventually I grew to love practiically any form of art, but especially if it was directed at videogame development.

Even helping at making an animated show would be awesome to me.

This idea stuck to my mind and I actually became unable to study almost any programming at all. Every exam I would be like “I hate this. Why am I doing this?”.

It’s been rough. And hard. But it is finally time to face that by heading this way any longer, I’m not going anywhere. Even if I did finish my career, what would my job be? I’m not a programmer, simple as that. I can’t understand how I can be happy with a job where I obsessively spend hours looking for that pesky error in my absurdly long and complicated code.

What am I doing now? Well, I’m taking a similar course about computer science.

But this time, it’ll be different.

1. It’s free. I might even get a scholarship (WAIT IS THAT ACTUALLY STILL A THING THAT EXISTS?!?!?)

2. It’s in my town. No more buses or having to refill every day - we can barely afford that.

3. It’s not programming-centered at all. It’s way more job-driven, way more flexible, and it doesn’t consume so much of your time.

4. It’s just two years!

I don’t discard the idea of going back to college in the far future, but for now, I need to drop out. Student loans are huge, Java is a horrible evil monster, our education system sucks.

So, I’m almost out of college. And I’m okay, my family knows, my friends know, and they support me (thankfully). This might be the first actual summer vacation I get since 2007, with no tests waiting for me in September.

I have finally found out what I’m good at, and I want to steer my life in that direction. In the meantime, I’m still trying to earn some money with my art. My Patreon is here. (A little on the nose, don’t you think? Yeah. Capitali$m does weird thing$ to you.)

I’m pretty sure this will turn alright. This might be the best decision I’ve made in years. Better late than never.

[delicatebouquetruinsfan-blog]

Free Download And Install "The Appetite Games" WallPapers, Posters, As Well As Histories For PowerPoint

We're greater than midway with 2017, yet the brand-new games continue coming. Part one and also 2 videos are below. Saint Mobile- Provide each trainee a picture of a saint of their selection on cardstock. Disclaimer: The articles listed below consist of connect to other sites and the content of these websites are evaluated prior to they are consisted of. This web site makes use of cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our site. Check out the posters below as well as let us understand which of these movies you want to see obtain made most. My trainees and also own youngsters love it. They appear to truly delight in the ninjas fighting (go number). ( For more youthful trainees you could do this with each other as a group task.) You can likewise play this as a game by dividing the course right into teams as well as give each team the strips of the prayer. From there, those pictures could be downloaded and install and developed into wallpapers for phones, used as characters, and even shared on Snapchat. When they are finished, the card asks; "typically aren't you thankful to take a breath once again?" as well as advises the gamer to be glad for points that we often take for provided. 19Hubo otra vez guerra en Congeries contra los filisteos, en la cual Elhanán, hijo de Jaare-oregim de Belén, mató a Goliat geteo, el asta de cuya lanza era como el rodillo de un telar. The game proceeds up until one gamer continues to be or up until time is up. Some listings obtain very long and are kept in mind for several years by the gamers. I got this as well as two various other posters from below and they went to great lengths to protect them through mail. As a result of the size of Buddhist ceremonies challenging to recognize for non-Thais people, this first video is mainly for our Thais close friends. As a person you When is the time to offer up or go on, ought to understand what are your top priorities and goals so that it is easier for you to determine and also make a decision. We understood the ferryboats would certainly start running once more rather very early in the early morning and that people would be awakening and also moving the park grounds, so we determined to reverse and get ready making the swim back. Your area should have all your favored things in it, that is why we provide comic as well as pc gaming posters fixated all your favorites. I would love to see Disney take your recorded proof of trespass as well as prosecute your butt ... video games hack Due to the fact that they might just be used to recite the petition as well,(Publish the board on LEGAL size paper!!) There's so numerous uses for the cards. Besides their scheming take on several of the motifs of the X-Men universe, the games also reference a real in-movie place: the Space Port Game situated inside an '80s shopping center, which is specifically where one would certainly anticipate to discover students of an institution such as Xavier's School for Gifted Children during that years. The art work coming with the games is additionally worth the rate of admission (i.e., cost-free), as it is a convincing simulacrum of timeless Atari 2600 box art certain to motivate nostalgia in those that are old sufficient to remember the genuine point. Customers additionally have accessibility to lots of concealed material. Have questions concerning Retro Videogame Propaganda Posters or your order? Combining a classic feeling with a propaganda-inspired aesthetic makes titles like Tetris, Halo, and Deadspace look like they would certainly be quite badass on the cinema.

[recentanimenews]

Interview: "Metal Gear Solid" Composer on the Healing Power of Music

Last month, we ran a story covering composer Norihiko Hibino's new app, Prescription for Serenity. A follow-up to Prescription for Sleep, it contains dozens of new compositions designed to help listeners rest and relax. This month, we had the pleasure of talking to Hibino-san about his work on the app, as well as the progress of Hibino Sound Therapy Lab as a whole.

    Crunchyroll: Our readers probably know you best for your video game work, but you've been much more focused on "sound therapy" lately. What first made you interested in the healing aspects of music?

  Norihiko Hibino: As I created music focused on violence and stimulation over the years, and was asked to create more and more of this type of music, I started to ask myself, "Is this really what music is supposed to do?" I thought music should make people happy, or encourage them.

  Around that time, I had a friend with terminal breast cancer. I brought her some music to give her some sort of comfort but she died regardless. I felt powerless, but thanks to Jayson Napolitano at Scarlet Moon Productions, I got to know a harp therapist named Linda Hill-Phoenix and had a chance to see what she was doing for her patients receiving hospice care. She played to the patient’s state, including their breathing pattern, and created music along with them rather than forcing what she came up with on them, which we tend to do as musicians. That really changed my perspective towards music.

    Crunchyroll: Tell us a little bit about the team working with you to make these albums.

  Hibino: Our team is very small, so we can be quite flexible. Marc Cellucci, the founder of Mission One who developed Prescription for Serenity, is my long-time friend and has a very good team. As for the music creation part, thanks to my videogame work and my experience as a jazz saxophone player, I have many friends who are talented musicians and engineers. We get together in the studio and share our vision to create music for people who are in pain, suffering, or have sleep problems... as a Christian, I believe it’s not really through our own skill or desire that we’re able to help people with our music, but rather through the power of God. So we pray that our music will help people through their difficult times prior to recording. 

    Crunchyroll: "Prescription for Serenity" is not your first music app. Before this was "Prescription for Sleep," correct? About how much music would a listener have access to if they downloaded all your apps?

  Hibino: Yes. Prescription for Sleep only had four songs, but we had an animated visualizer. After its release we realized people don't want to see the visuals when they are going to sleep... so we focused on more songs with a simpler visualizer. Currently we have 82 songs, and more will be added regularly. We have more than 300 songs in our sound library, with many more to come, and it’s all music created for therapeutic purposes.

    Crunchyroll: What makes music "healing," in your opinion? What attributes does a song need to be part of one of your apps?

  Hibino: First of all, I think music itself is just a tool, like a pen. The pen is a tool that is so powerful that the words you write with it can make people happy or even force them to hurt themselves. So just as with the pen, the important thing for the composer, performer, or engineer working on the music is intention. As I noted before, my faith is a strong influence on everything I do, so I personally believe that prayer is an important element in making music that is different and serves the purpose to heal. Regardless of their faith preference, though, everyone working on this music understands the intent of the music, and we pray that we’re able to take the focus off our ourselves and our own musicianship and instead become a tool to promote peace and comfort. 

  Feel free to check out this interesting study about prayer and its therapeutic effects.

    Crunchyroll: What makes "Prescription for "Serenity" different from "Prescription for Sleep"?

  Hibino: Prescription for Sleep is more focused on the physical aspect of music, such as tempo and flow, to induce sleep. In Prescription for Serenity, we focus on intention and prayer, as I mentioned before.

  I especially want to draw attention to the harp music that we’ve featured. It’s all performed by harp therapist Linda Hill-Phoenix who practiced harp therapy for more than 20 years at San Diego Hospice & The Institute for Palliative Medicine. She put spiritual words or photos of her patients on the music stand and improvised without any written music, using only prayer to create the music for her patients.

    Crunchyroll: How does the Hibino Sound Therapy Lab hope to continue exploring the healing aspects of music in the future?

  Hibino: We have two ways to explore: one is the live approach (concerts), and the other is the virtual approach (our sound system).

  The live approach includes our concert tour, Music in Heaven. We’ve held over 100 performances throughout Japan, from big music halls to hospitals and home-care settings. For big shows we use visuals along with the music following the journey from birth to Heaven, with expressions of how that person was loved throughout their life. We also have doctors on stage relaying their experiences with terminally ill patients, or psychiatrists sharing their stories about developing patients’ creativity. The main message of the show is “We were born to be loved,” and the shows really touch people’s hearts and oftentimes see members of the audiences crying.

  For those who cannot make it to our concerts, we developed a sound system called Rinshu. It’s a sound system focused exclusively on peace and serenity. It’s made from hand-carved wood in the shape of a yacht, with the sails in particular generating vibrations (inaudible sound frequencies) that are transmitted to the listener’s body. We worked with a university in Japan to conduct a study on the effects of the Rinshu, and found sleep-inducing effects and increased comfort as well as decreased fear and anger. What was most remarkable was that the effect was seen even in deaf participants. This device can be found in nursing homes and hospitals in Japan. We also work with patients and family members to take requests and record songs using our unique therapeutic arrangement style, adding an element of interactivity. All of the music from the Prescription for Serenity app is currently included with the Rinshu library, with more to be added online.

  -----

  Thanks very much to Hibino-san for his time, and of course for his and his colleagues' work at the Lab.

  Prescription for Serenity is available to download now from the iTunes store.

  -----

  Kara Dennison is responsible for multiple webcomics, blogs and runs interviews for (Re)Generation Who and PotterVerse, and is half the creative team behind the OEL light novel series Owl's Flower. She blogs at karadennison.com and tweets @RubyCosmos.

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com