#for the love of god just learn. Don't slim em down

[blimbo-buddy]

Pain and agony on the planet Earth

[theangrypokemaniac]

Contests Part 2/2

6. Loser Jessie

Screechy harpie Jessay has even more of a raw deal than Mavis and Dawn of the Dead.

From the outset I knew she'd never be champion, but she ought to rise above the tiresome berks clogging up procedure.

Sufficient popularity at Pokémon Towers ensured the girls were allotted coverage of all their award ceremonies. They had a moment in the sun.

What has Jessie in comparison?

I can't recall Hoenn, but I don't expect it was much.

Sinnoh however carried naught but a single paltry episode.

This for a main character.

This for someone there from the beginning.

This for an ardent fan favourite.

This for a wench who, should we include all her various mutations, has featured in more installments than either of 'em.

But no, treat Jesseee as worthless, even lower than Dawn's groupies. It's not like anyone watches it for her.

Looking back, it's obvious what they were intending to do come Unova.

What's the score then?

• One paltry Contest on screen.

• A couple happen elsewhere, marked by a few seconds per mention when the script oh-so generously moves away from the thrilling main plot.

It's gotta be the small-town concerns for Jessuhleenuh, nothing major. She deserves no better.

• One won by James, so not hers. Press her inadequacy upon us!

• One obtained as a gesture of pity from Kate Middleton.

And how did that work? What's the good of allowing 'Dawn' entry again?

She'd already qualified. If winning here, that gives her six, therefore there aren't enough Co-ordinators for the culmination.

And when Jessie showed up with a Ribbon recorded as belonging to Dawn, how was she taken as fulfilling the quota?

The slapdash way these Contests are run!

God forbid Jess should be shown as excelling at anything. It must be scraping into the final undeservedly.

Bitch gotta know her place.

7. Bumpkin Jessie

...

Ain't no description I can give that don't rhyme with 'hit', or variations of the theme.

You thought the shafting Jessica got coverage wise was bad enough? Yer ain't heard the 'alf of it.

Sinnoh was a period of peak Moron Team Rocket, where the one surprise was how stupid they could be.

You may remember an early episode when James designed her clothes for the catwalk. She thought it'd complement his work by applying lipstick all across her mug.

Obviously Jessie would do that, clueless as to how make-up functions.

Come on kids, she's thick!

Even at that numskull nadir it's difficult to comprehend anyone choosing this get up without severe duress.

Picture the scene: you debut on stage, before an audience of thousands and television cameras, in an event preoccupied with superficiality.

What do you wear?

• Giant, oversized glasses out of fashion since the Seventies.

• Bootlace tie last worn in the nineteenth century Wild West by a barman serving sarsaparillas.

• Colour scheme of brown and orange, the nation's favourite hues.

• A man's old shirt fraying at the cuffs.

• Voluminous apron dress.

• Massive yellow bows last seen decorating an Easter Egg. Always a winner.

• Heavy, clod-hopping boots.

• PIGTAILS!!!

Even the name is unattractive.

Ah yes, very common for those under six. Unheard of later.

You have reached puberty haven't yer Jessie? I can't tell anymore.

They couldn't get enough of that combination in Cosmo, which is why it's no longer in print.

Not only is Jessie denied success, she's deprived of the chance to be pretty in a realm where nothing but that carries weight.

Worse, given how her face disintegrated, this is the best she's been for five generations.

Yeah, because the inbred milkmaid style is such a good look, eh?

SEXAY!!!

8. So Long, Tsundere

Remember tsunderes? What happened to 'em?

The curse of Pokémon was draining the well of inspiration too quickly, throwing away interesting characters as mere guests.

This is particularly noticeable regarding the ladies. Back then, we got Misty, Jessie, Jessibelle, Cassidy, Aya, Giselle, Tyra, Sabrina, assorted crones Brutella, Nastina and Lacy, plus Joy, Jenny and Dame Ketchum provided parental authority.

How did a series that began with ball-breaking birds like that end up with insipid, glassy-eyed dullards like Zuhreena, Banana Lana, Marsh Mallow and Lilliput?

Ooh, Zuhreena is a pwincess!

Ooh, Banana Lana bwows big bwubbles!

Ooh, Marsh Mallow wuvs phallic waddishes!

Ooh, Lilliput won't pwet wanimals bwecause of Secwet Pain!

Can you imagine such weak specimens finding any place in the anarchic atmosphere of the classics?

It's SO boring!

Where's the punch? Where's the human spirit?

Where's the entertainment gone?

This squishy attitude began in Hoenn. Misty left, Jessie's hair symbolically changed from volcanic red to pink, and Contests introduced a cuddly theme where glitter glue and sequins are top priority.

Every sharp corner, every jagged point has been filed smooth. Now its substance hasn't the hardness to even develop edges, not when it's all cushions and candyfloss, where catching Pokémon rests on them deigning to grant permission, rather than 'avin it out.

Tsunderes, exuding untamed charisma and independence, besides a soupçon of danger, simply don't fit the cardboard box we habit now.

Nor do yanderes, kuuderes, tsuntsuns, or even derederes. It's just nothing but smiley-smiley creeps.

I wouldn't mind any of these tropes as long as there was some sign of colour to be had.

9. The Sacrifice of Misty

Misty bid farewell under the feeble justification that the lack of a longterm goal made her vulnerable to sacking.

Such a line uttered as if her own choice, being beyond them as writers to invent a purpose.

This implied her replacement would have an exciting quest aiming for excellence, something just beyond Misty's capabilities.

What did we get?

Dressing up and collecting Ribbons!

Is that...is that it? Is that the great idea? Is that all the girls are worth?

I lost Misty for THIS?!

Perhaps it makes no difference. By Hoenn they'd rendered her a leaden blandness sucked dry of all that made her special.

Going by the greasy-toothed bastardisation that swanned up in Alola, Misty was simply too wild for the safe, stifling atmosphere of today.

Her departure ensued she remains frozen as a funny, beloved presence, unlike those she left behind.

Now there was a lucky escape, as once the fanny-flapping starts, the bints have it on the brain.

May had Max to beat on the side, but Dawn developed monomania.

Hardly an episode went by without some reference to Contests, or how today's plot spurred her on to the next opportunity.

Yer need help, love!

Rather than Ash's new friend being a fascinating person who so happened to enter vanity projects, the competition defined them to the exclusion of life.

It is but moths drawn to the candle flame waiting to engulf them.

Contests are this world's version of Tom Riddle's diary: they promise sympathy and validation, but they eat your soul.

Like Tumblr.

10. Completely Unoriginal

Seems to me it wasn't so much Misty had no goal, it was more that Contests were the supposedly hot concept wedged into an existing property.

If earlier aspects failed to accommodate the invader, the onus certainly wasn't on the new kid to change. Oh no, stuff it in and chop off whatever gets in the way.

In the eyes of the post-Shudo regime, Misty was too volatile to last, and so had to go.

What idiots.

She's a tsundere. The softer, more feminine side is a defining component.

Would it really have been so problematic to retain her as an entrant? If Jessie can, why not?

Even if failing to fit, so what? Since when was established characterisation a barrier?

Isn't twisting likeable folk into unrecognisable pods the modus operandi of the writers?

That canon is immaterial, and must always give in to whatever fancy they currently have?

Well then, what's the big deal in infantilising Misty to promote it rather than pensioning her off?

Viewers will be more invested in the challenges awaiting a familiar face rather than a stranger.

What reduces the above to the risible is the original Misty and Jessie both participated in the Princess Festival.

All Contests are is that very scenario on repeat and robbed of all meaning.

Think about it:

• Beauty round

• Battle round

• Jessie loses

Same bloody thing.

Not only have I got to suffer this draining spectacle, it's got the nerve to possess not one iota of fresh ideas!

Contests are a low rent rip-off. The Princess Festival had a worthy reward in the shape of one-of-a-kind Dolls.

It'd already been revealed that ordinary Princess Dolls were ruinously expensive, therefore the special Pokémon edition have to be priceless.

What d'yer get for the trouble of a Contest but a bit of plastic tat taped to bargain basement frippery?

And they demand you get five of 'em!

Contests themselves were then resurrected as Showcases, although mercifully slimmed down to only three, with the emptiness ramped up in compensation.

Perhaps ironically, Princess Versus Princess is one of my favourite episodes. I love its critique of female avarice and accurate portrayal of clothing sales as reminiscent of the zombie apocalypse.

I don't mind the Festival as a single adventure, but I may have felt less favourable had it been a constant presence.

Except it isn't the competition at stake. This is a framework to explore Jessie and Misty as people.

Through its device we learn their history and therefore how they came to develop as the girls we know.

The setting serves as an opportunity for both to confront the misery and isolation of their childhoods, with the promise of overcoming that old torment with the balm of victory.

In the final, they aren't so much battling an opponent as fighting to be free of the past.

The tragedy is only one can be granted that reprieve. The other must remain unhappy in the ruins of memory.

It matters, unlike vapid Contests, where posturing is king. What depth can they provide in comparison?

Despite identical content, they are inverse counterparts, with the Festival presented as merely a light affair concealing a rather dark tale of neglect.

Contests however are paraded as this worthy nourishment for body and mind, a major point in one's journey towards enlightenment, when all they really amount to is an organ grinder and his monkey arsing about for the slack-gobbed plebs.

Bread and circuses.

Best of all, Misty won, not some side twat, as it should be.

Note how Jessie dressed: in delicate, vivid robes and golden decoration. The boys thought her beautiful.

Not as a gormless dweeb you'd cross the street to avoid!

And why the need to disguise herself anyway?

The Twerps had no issue with Jessie of Team Rocket joining the fun back then, so what happened?

At least she received the consolation of gaining Lickitung as a friend, with James and Meowth desperate to comfort her.

What do Contests bring? Sod all!

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 10)

"Cut 'Em"

Back at Colson's, everyone is still in full swing. Making the quiet ride back, with Luna and Colson simply resting upon each other, even nicer. Foster the People's Torches is bumping, helping the weed smoke roll through out the house. Colson, Luna, Baze and Slim are sitting at the kitchen table about to play spades, surrounded by girls. Mod, Pete and Ashleigh are playing Mario Kart in the living room. Surrounded by girls. Benny, Phem and a few others are out by the pool with more girls. The scene looks as if they brought all of VIP back with them.

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"So you think you can throw cards?" Slim says to Luna, eyeing her while he shuffles.

"I've sliced some hands off with a spade or two before." She says leaning back. After she takes a swig of her beer, she says "My cut."

"Sure." Slim slides the cards to the middle of the table.

Luna cuts the cards. Slim deals.

"Yo. Slim looks like he wants to fuck her up. He BIG mad she took me as her partner. My girl better walk as hard as she talks, Boy..." Colson thinks to himself watching the two of them.

Slim deals. Luna looks at her hand. She's got 5 solid and a possible 6. "First hand bid it's self?" She asks.

Slim looks a little surprised. "Yeah."

"Alright, on me. You ready?" She asks Colson.

"Get it, Kitty." He tells her.

She opens it up with the ace of hearts.

"Ok." Baze says throwing low.

Luna and Colson play off each other magnetically. One look. She walks all 6 books easily. He pulls another 3. "Just a preview." She smirks at Slim as she begins to shuffle.

"Well, if I had my PARTNER." Slim emphasises. Lighting up another joint.

"Whoah!" Throws out Baze. "You didnt pull shi.."

Luna interrupts him. "You want him, take him." She says, extending her arm across the table at Colson, turning her head. One look. Looking back, "I'll whoop both your asses." She taunts Slim with a half smile.

"Aight, bet. Switch places with me."

"Y'all are REALLY outta pocket." Laughs Colson. Watching them playfully bicker.

"Fine. It's still my shuffle tho." She says getting up. As she sits down, she leans over to kiss Colson. "I'm sorry, Bunny." She grins at him. Then she looks across to Baze. "You ready to run these hoes, Partner." She says swigging her beer.

The three of them look a her for a second before erupting into laughter. "THAT is definitely YOUR GIRL." Slim states. Luna swigs her beer again before she begins to shuffle.

After they bid, Slim throws the ace of clubs to start. It should've walked but Luna slices it with the 4 of spades. He looks at her. "You wanted your partner." She shrugs laughing.

"This is true, Bro." Colson backs her up, shrugging too.

"Fuck you both." Slim laughs.

It's a fun game. There's a lot of laughter and shit talking. Surprise books walk and others that are supposed to, end up cut. Luna and Colson play footsy under the table. It's not a massacre but Luna and Baze take Colson and Slim by 200 points.

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"Good game. Where'd you learn to play like that?" Slim asks afterwards, impressed, as they light up cigarettes outside. They can see the sun begin to dance.

"I did a summer at Crossroads." She says exhaling, leaning against the house.

"What, like summer camp?"

Luna laughs. "No. Like maximum security juvie." She says taking another drag.

"REALLY?" Slim cocks his head towards her. "YOU and your 5 high to a knee high. For what?"

Luna chuckles at his metaphor. "A knee high though?" Crossing her ankles as she leans.

He shrugs. "For real tho, what cha do?"

"I picked up something like 96 charges. Multiple accounts on most, so some of them don't count. It ranged from terroristic threatening, 2nd degree assault, fleeing, resisting arrest..." She sighs, rubbing her forehead. "Annnnd assault on an officer and possession and intent. I believe." She finishes, taking a drag off of her Newport.

"God Damn, Girl!!! What you do all that for? His face scrunched up.

She throws her hands out as if, I don't know, as she looks at him. "Enh. These two bitches jumped my friend. So, I jumped em back with a Louisville, after picking up." She takes another drag. "I feel like they trumped up the charges because it was on school property."

"Not because of the Louisville?" Slim laughs. He puts his cigarette out. "You know," he says pointing at her "I wasn't sure about you at first but you aight." He nods his head. Agreeing with himself.

"Thanks. That means a lot and is important as Colson's best friend." She says honestly, taking her final drag before putting her cigarette out too. "I'm glad we got a chance to hang out." He agrees.

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Slim sticks around outside admiring the sunrise.

"Rook was right, she is quick and funny as fuck.... Can hang too...Shooo.... The way she cut them books.... Kells'll be good if she's as hard as she's coming off to be..... At least she seems to be living up to the hype after the all years he fucking sweated her." He thinks, lighting one last Newport.

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Walking inside Luna stretches wide and yawns, looking around for Colson. Things are surprisingly quiet. She finds him in the kitchen eating a cold fried chicken leg. "Ahhhh!!! Tell me you have more. I am starvingggg." She whines.

"YES." He proudly shoves one her way with paper towels.

"You. Are a God." He leans down so she can kiss him on the cheek. She then hops onto the kitchen counter and begins to eat her chicken. "So," she says swinging her bare feet "What's the plan for tomorrow?"

He walks towards her, she's still swinging her feet until he gets close enough that they rest on his naked stomach. He looks down. "You wanna get fucked right here?" One look.

She smirks and looks around " I mean...." She says biting into her chicken, shrugging. "I am trying to eat this chicken tho."

He laughs "You want another peice?"

"Yeeeeessss pleeease. This shit is slammen'."

As they hang out eating their chicken together, he says to her "Tomorrow's gonna be chill... I'm picking Cas up Sunday morning." He takes her finished chicken and throws it away. Walking back to her, he continues "I meant what I said. I want you to meet her. Maybe we can go out to dinner." He says moving to in between her thighs. One look. Pulling her across the counter, up against him. She puts her hands on his collar bones.

"HOLY FUCK MY LIFE. SHE'S GONNA HATE ME." Panics Luna mentally.

"I don't think that's how you meet kids, Bunny." She says to him, shaking her head. "Especially if you want them to like you." She laughs lightly. "Doooo you want my completely uneducated thoughts?" She asks.

"Always." He responds kissing her.

"I think, you should hang out with her first, and then maybe tell her about me when you feel it's right annd then ask HER if she'd like to meet me. Wherever she'd like." She's looking at him seriously. "Buuuuut I vote Disneyland." Luna smiles widely, raising her hand.

"I vote Universal." He says pushing her arm down with his now raised arm.

"You're an idiot." She laughs, squirming as they weirdly arm battle.

"You the one who loves an idiot." Trying to move, trapped in her things, continuing to raise arm battle her. The sight of him makes her retreat, laughing loudly as he continues on his own, pleased by her laugher.

"I do love you" she smiles pulling his face towards hers. With this he also retreats into her hands. Kissing her wetly and deeply as her thighs tighten around him even more. His hands run through her long hair, down her back, onto her ass, pressing her hard against him. She drags her blue nails down his bare chest, before she slides her hands alongside her own body and pulls off her bra with her black sheer shirt off in one swoop. Although he could see her breasts all night, he was tired of the shirt and is pleased to see it go. He NEEDS to feel her skin right now. Both of them begin to take the other's pants off. His drop to the floor as she lifts herself up for him to slide hers off. He runs his index along her lips before dipping inside of her.

"You're always so wet for me, Kitten. I fucking love it." He says gnawing at her neck as he slowly works his huge cock deep into her pussy. "And tight." They both groan in pleasure as he makes his way into her fully. Arms wrapped tightly around each, sloppily tongue kissing. Their hips slam together as they grind and fuck each other, deep and hard on the kitchen counter. "You're such a dirty, little slut." He says in her ear.

"Who's dirty, little slut am I? She asks lowly, bucking against him harder.

"MINE." He says firmly, "You're MY dirty, little slut." Kissing her back on the mouth. His words excite both of them. They're both close to cuming as they fuck each other harder.

"And what are you going to do to me?" She pants.

"I'm going to fuck you wherever, whenever, however the fuck I WANNNNNT." He growls loudly, pulling her hair as he releases himself inside her, for the second time tonight.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!" his mind explodes. He knows he's drunk but if he's going to believe in religion. It's her fucking pussy. He decides.

The yank does it. She buries her face in his neck as she tries to muffle her squealing giggle as she cums with him. "Mmmmm...Colson." She purrs. "I love you."

After a few moment, they unwrap themselves and kiss sweetly. "I love you too, Luna." He says before lifting her off the countertop. They do a quick clean up job before he grabs her bag and they head upstairs together.

"Jesus Christ that was amazing. I wonder if anyone heard us. Probably. Oh well....... Thank Fuck, I stayed on birth control. I knew shit was gonna pop off between us but DAMN...."

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"That was fucking HOT. She wasn't lying. We do fuck like rabbits. How can I not with that fucking ASS!!" He refrains from biting her as he watches her ass bounce up the stairs. "And she fucking loves me." He thinks beaming, heart racing while admiring his view. "I've never came like that before...." his mind drifts watching her ass guide him.

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To be continued...