#for having love that actually truly is all consuming? what is this... it's scary. esp when i cant unleash it. it's like a wild beast i have

[bunnihearted]

🦈2

[cielleduciel]

I have some sensitive questions, and you totally don’t need to answer if they’re too much, but here they are. Did you ever struggle w internal homophobia? If so, how did you manage to overcome it?? And my last question: any tips for softly breaking it to Albanian parents? I know people are individuals but its still the same culture so..

• Same anon as before!! I am an 18-year-old girl that was born and raised in the US. Thank you so much, and take as much time as you need to answer.

• I would also like to add that I’ve struggled with this for a pretty long time now (since I was around 12), so it’s not like I realized my preferences just recently. For years I’ve been telling myself that it’s just a phase or I’m just starved of affection (so I’m looking for it in the wrong place) or that I just haven’t met the right guy yet. I feel disgusted with myself, and it’s very tiring and emotionally consuming. Add in my Albanian relatives on top of it, and I’m just done with it all.

thanks for your patience anon, this last week’s been a bit hectic for me

first off i’m flattered by that first question, bc i was the most self-hating repressed closet gay i knew. i started off as that kid that was like “i don’t have a problem with gay people i just don’t think they should get married and i hate it when they ‘act’ gay”. i went through three boyfriends and two different sexual orientations before i finally accepted i was a lesbian, which took me until april of last year. so if that’s hard to imagine then i know i’m doing good for myself, and maybe it can give you some reassurance too

tbh i don’t think any of us can ever actually avoid or stop struggling with internalized homophobia, given that we’re all inundated with those messages every day in big or small ways. i think at best i just learned how to stop listening to it so much. it took me a really long time though and honestly at your age you’re already way ahead of me than i was, the questions you’re asking yourself now are ones i couldn’t bear to face even in my early 20s

my personal struggle has been very much connected to my family and growing up as a 1½-gen albanian immigrant. if your family and upbringing are anything like mine, then you might understand, and they’re probably just as closely related to your struggle as well. don’t take what i say here as gospel since this is all from personal experience and i’m not even 100% where i want to be yet. but i know how lonely it is for us out there, so i’ll try to be as real with you as i can without getting too personal (idk if this readmore will work on mobile so my apologies and just scroll down really fast @ anyone not reading this)

first thing: don’t be in a rush to tell your parents, even if you’re an adult, and especially if you’re still dependent on them. i assume you’re asking for tips because you already know or have reason to suspect that they won’t take it well. and if you’re still struggling to accept yourself, your parents’ & relatives’ opinions are the last thing you need to be worrying about right now (i know easier said than done we’re albanian i Understand but like. trust me)

second: i really think learning how to stop listening to that internalized homophobia is just a slow process of learning to normalize your feelings in opposition to it. truly the most important thing i did for myself was surround myself with other bi/lesbian women as a way to counter everything else in my life that was telling me to hate myself. the key here is that i did that for years. the logic goes like this: if my world was already and will always be filled with heteronormativity and homophobia, then to fight it, i needed a space i could come back to that’s filled with what i needed to see and could make it feel as normal as i logically knew it was

i didn’t have the freedom to reach out to others IRL so i sought out bi/lesbian women online and immersed myself in those communities. i filled my online spaces with people like me who could show me every day that what i was feeling was genuine, normal, healthy, whole, positive, and worth embracing. when i really began to internalize that, self-confidence and assurance just kind of naturally followed, which made it easier to shout down and ignore the Internalized Homophobia Gremlin in my brain

another thing too, and this’ll sound silly. idk if you’re into video games but they were also a big part of my normalization process. i love role-playing games and for years i used them as a private, risk-free, judgment-free way to “experiment” with women and allow my feelings to “run free” after repressing/ignoring them for so long. i personally know other LGBT people who discovered themselves in similar ways (through DnD, for example). something to consider if that’s your thing. but media of all kinds can be powerful normalizing tools too, if you can find decent ones to your liking 

i had to be really patient and gentle with myself though, and you’ll have to be too bc there really is no quick fix, we’re up against years of internalizing this crap since we were born, basically. do whatever you need to fight against it though, bc there is literally, objectively, nothing wrong with you. you deserve to be happy just as you are, you deserve love and to be able to find it with another woman, and remember you’re never alone in this even if it feels like you are. i think that’s the most powerful reminder

back around to your last question, worry about coming out to your parents when you’re on more solid ground, bc it doesn’t sound like you are rn. everyone’s parents are different but as a general rule i’ve found that when trying to broach a difficult subject, you really need to have your back up against a point that you refuse to budge on, and plant yourself there. you can negotiate or make arguments around it but you need that one point that you’re absolutely sure of where you’ll always hold your ground

in coming out to them, that point needs to be your identity and everything attached to it, so your confidence and sense of self need to be as solid and unmoving as a fucking mountain so that they can’t dig into you and undermine your conviction. esp bc tbh it’s entirely likely that you’ll have to have that conversation several times. so that’s why i stress working on yourself first. for your own sake, don’t jump the gun on this

also, it’ll be much easier on you if you’re not always stuck under the same roof, or at least not totally dependent on them. and i know that’s tough and complicated because a lot of us never truly “move out”, per se, and it’s normal for us to stay with our parents/family for a very long time. but if you can find a way, arrange something with friends, etc., i find it really helps with your general confidence to know you have somewhere else you can go unconditionally, without restrictions. and i don’t mean “rush to move out as soon as you can”, bc like i said, i know that’s hard on us for many reasons and it may hurt you more than you think it will. but if it’s a point you can get to eventually, it does help

after all this, if/when you eventually do decide to come out, i recommend you tell only one of your parents at first. whichever one you’re closer with or find easier to talk to (i’d say ideally whoever’s the least homophobic but like. lmao). do it privately and when you’re both in a good mood. i find altogether this makes the atmosphere less confrontational and more personal, a show like you’re “confiding” in them moreso than making an announcement. depending on how it goes i think you can adjust your strategy from there 

even still, i can’t say with any confidence that it will go over well, but it’s as gentle a way to break it to them as i know. if on the very off chance you have another relative who you know is sympathetic and won’t go telling the entire rest of the family immediately, i’d say try reaching out to them first, as it’ll give you “practice” talking about it and they may be able to advise you about your own parents better than i can, as well as support you directly. but even this i would only do after you’re more confident in yourself and your identity

in the end, keep in mind that you don’t have to come out either. it’s not like a requirement for loving yourself. many of us stay closeted to our families for a very long time simply bc it’s safer, easier, and smarter wrt our situations. again, i know that’s complicated because of how tight-knit our families are traditionally, and how much we may want to remain close to them for cultural reasons. at some point it may make it difficult to hide (my mom started suspecting i liked girls before i even knew i liked girls. it was scary). but like, i’m 27 and i’m still not out to most of my family (my dad doesn’t even know). it doesn’t stop me from being a proud albanian lesbian, or from having and maintaining a happy & healthy relationship with my girlfriend. it doesn’t have to stop you either

and…. i think that’s really all i can say. sorry for taking so long and also for talking so much. i hope i could help even a little, or if not, at least offer some reassurance. it’s a good sign that you’re reaching out and trying to get a handle on your feelings, so keep at it, and remember you’re not alone out there. there are so many of us in the world living our lives and trying to build a future and support each other. i really think you’ll be fine

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

I totally agree about being more vanilla and certain asks being a hell to the no. I’ve been with the same man for 4 years so we’ve tried almost everything but nothing gets me off more than a man (/idea of) worshipping you with his words while you enjoy each other’s bodies. I feel like people in these types of relationships are seen as boring by society because time together doesn’t involve hurting your partner ect. I CAN confirm that those in vanilla relationships can/still do have great sex

Also same anon as previous, but a PS that your style of writing and the way you write about B x reader (the way he behaves / talks to/ treats the reader is exACTLY my style. Nothing is hotter than a man who knows how to use his words in all the right ways. You fuck ya girl into next week but if you don’t know how to work me up with your words mixed with a super loving/ caressing touch it’s not gonna happen. You know what IT is ;)

i’m often confused as to whether i’d be considered vanilla or not, or at least if my fic would be considered vanilla or not. i remember an ask from a while ago saying i was into some kinky shit n i was like “bwuh?” n figured i’d be considered hopelessly vanilla  by most (as if vanilla is bad/isn’t fucking delicious: the smell, the taste…fucking lovely. plus it got b sniffing ryan’s armpit haha n telling him he smelled good :P). are things like vibes n other toys, pegging/anal/prostate stumulation, diff kinds of tribadism/frottage, b in panties, b being pretty arguably “submissive,” etc vanilla or “kink”? 

dasfljgf i love yr wording of “worshipping you with his words while you enjoy each other’s bodies.” i think there’s a major desensitization going on, and it’s starting by 10-11 years old. people with little masturbatory experience (or none), and no partnered experience beyond curious more than sexual exploration when quite young (that they may not even remember) or none at all, getting fucking whammied with brutal porn right off the bat. and that being most to all of what they see in sexually explicit media for years on end, seeing it in unprecedented levels with the internet both re age of first exposure, how often/how long they view it, how girls as well as boys are growing up on it. seeing brutal contacts for years, mixing arousal, masturbation and orgasm with fear, pain, cruelty, faked arousal and orgasms, violence, harm, etc and often feeling rough touch (eg overt obvious sexual assaults, sexual situations that are assented to but not wanted, sexual situations that start out wanted and become painful, scary, thinking you want and will like something only to have it feel scary, painful, unarousing, feeling broken because you didn’t like it, etc) before feeling a consistently soft touch, hearing sexy words that are kind, having all these mythologies about sex esp piv told to you in n out of porn and romanticized outside of porn (eg that all women come during it, that it’s the best sex ever, that sex=piv=sex), that that is simply what sex is and what men and women do together, erasing so much of what can happen heterosexually to the point you don’t even think it possible or thinkable, etc. 

porn is about the visual too, how things look (and sound) on camera in specific ways (eg focus on repetitive penile thrusting into an orifice, make up, heels, faked porn moans), not how things *feel* emotionally or physically. how your skin rubbing on someone else’s feels. how a kiss, lick, caress, suck, squeeze, feels and how these feelings change depending on firmness n skill, emotional connection (including friendship), level of arousal, etc. how it feels to touch someone else. how it feels to stroke over their genitals. how it feels to feel intensely aroused, or to let arousal build slowly, or have it wash over you in waves. to need someone at that moment, to wrap your limbs around them and squish them to you. how it feels to feel safe and loved and comfortable and horny and full of want vs scared, detested, uncomfortable, in pain, whether or not this is mixed with arousal. you don’t get into how the people in porn feel–what is really going on in their heads? what are they feeling emotionally? how does what’s happening actually feel to them? why for all the theatrics, performing, acrobatics, etc is there so little feeling?

within a generation we’ve gone from knowing men could go months and even years without looking at porn, and having many men who did just that, and most boys and some girls furtively sneaking peaks at their dad’s or a friend’s dad’s playboy or even penthouse, maybe a softcore vhs (rip soft core porn; it isn’t made anymore by pornographers, now it’s mainstream media, eg ads, game of thrones. not that soft core was fine and dandy, but much of it is quaint in comparison to what we have now), or pornographic or smutty books to thinking that if one doesn’t look at porn regularly they’re either asexual or lying or inhibited n need to free their mind n get on that porn, and that porn and masturbation are synonymous (eg that one can’t masturbate without porn). 

i remember reading one guy writing about how the sight of a girl’s pubic hair peeking out of her bathing suit would get him hard quick as a boy; now pubic hair is disgusting, and men and boys generally only find hairless vulva appealing. that’s a less extreme example of what i’m talking about, but you can imagine (and come across) the spike in interest in daddy kink, men strangling and choking women, the hetero male obsession with pia with females (and it’s connection to sadism/injury in both the advertising of it, what happens to women in porn and women and girls in relationships), etc. 

and the view that porn just let’s us find out what we naturally, truly like?!? that we’re only turned on by it if it represents our True Sexuality? ha. you really mean to tell me that millions upon millions of girls were champing at the bit to call their boyfriends, husbands, male community members/mentors/teachers, celeb crushes, etc daddy throughout the millennia? that millions upon millions of women have lain awake at night, over the millennia, mourning the fact that their husbands would not strangle them and call them worthless whores and fantasizing about it endlessly, craving it? 

do we really think human males as a class (as a whole) are born wanting, or needing, or truly longing to strangle, choke, shove, engage in piledriving thrusting, slap, beat, namecall, control, possess others, have sexuality centred around them and their sadism, and females as a class are born wanting/needing/longing to have that done to them, service whatever desire men have, no matter how cruel or violent, and indeed, we want it, or at least deserve it, no matter how cruel or violent? that males are born sadists and females masochists, and that is what it means to be male or female? (and if you don’t fit that mold, you’re not a real man/woman?) that all those sweet boys and willful girls are really longing to hurt and be hurt respectively (maybe with the caveat that if they are the rare exception that they are really the other sex inside)? 

this is not denying psychopathy in a small per centage of males, which is largely inborn and more likely in males than females due to genetics and usually expressed more extremely (physical and sexual harm to others, rape, serial murder) in males due to greater physical strength from testosterone and gender socialization, but i hardly think most males are born psychopaths, and honestly, psychopathy and sociopathy, and serial killers, come to mind when looking at mainstream internet porn. i’ve been meaning to make a list of quotes by bdsmers and pornographers alongside serial killers without sources, asking “top/dom/sadist/porn or serial killer?” then revealing who said what, if it doesn’t already exist (been meaning to look). i do not think we, either sex, are born like this as a whole. and this is leaving aside the fact that “nature” neither means right nor inevitable. we decide how we want to live, act, treat others, can counteract how our sexuality is being shaped. 

i consumed porn directed at straight men from 8-12, and it absolutely shaped my sexuality then, although since we’re talking about 1995-99, it mostly revolved around and got my sexual thoughts revolving around piv (eg thinking that’s how all women came, how i would come even though i masturbated clitorally/by humping my blanket or sweater or my hand between my thighs) with some more varied sexuality between women on the side. a couple friends of my dad had magazines–one of which had a magazine that claimed to be child porn of a 15 year old btw–that i would sneak peaks at n quickly/furtively masturbate, and i’d stay up late at night watching the ppv porn that we had one of those descrambler boxes to watch for free. i honestly don’t even remember seeing pia in any of those. now, you can’t escape it. 

so back on track: i’m glad my writing hits your sweet spots in more ways than one wink wonk :P i’m digging the compliments folks :D i know what IT is with a capital I and a capital T, eh?